#this is only my perspective as a guy who hates being alive

[godza]

i dont know why people get so mad at self dxing autism. i fucking hate having this shit you think im just having fun with it? the symptoms of autism coincide with what ive experienced all my life, thats good enough for me. i can use strategies other autistic people use to make my life easier. even if i wasnt autistic, those strategies would still be useful to me and help me understanf myself. if people want to self dx autism, whatever, but they have to acknowledge the bad parts. autism isnt only special interests and flappy hands. it makes my life a living hell. if someone realizes they live in the hellscape called autism, good for them. understanding and helping yourself is paramount

[jinxs-gf]

Black Cat!Reader x The Team Headcanons

Black Cat!Reader x The Team

note: just because you’re in place of Black Cat doesn’t mean this is fem!reader! this is very gender neutral besides the mention of lipstick briefly…even then that’s not lady exclusive :)

content/warnings: this is seemingly set during s1 like my other yj fics but I imagine everyone being way older 😔🙏🏽 it’s weird but just roll with it pretty please. also…a bit suggestive??

word count: 3.6k

a/n: I wouldn’t have done this but this anon gave me the idea and I HAD to expand on it unfortunately

THE TEAM (platonic)

Lots and lots of flirting from reader, OBVIOUSLY. do y’all even KNOW Black Cat????? it would be relentless. and no matter how annoying and probably overwhelming it got, you wouldn’t back down

with even the toughest/hardest to crack team members

it’s not even like you’re attempting to lure them in…or get romantically involved (unless…), it’s just how you are. who can blame you! flirting is fun

you started off as just another “villain of the day.” Someone they could take on easily. They thought of you as a pity mission. An bad guy as small as a simple thief? What fun was that?! They’ve taken down Gods, magicians, robots…and Red Tornado assigned them a thief??? It was a joke.

until it wasn’t. until Batman saw potential in you (because of course he did. Robin was not happy about this.)

You earned the nickname Cat, which was a nickname in itself for Kitty Cat (Wally's idea, not yours, you gave him hell for it)

your first mission with them was definitely something. messy, to say the least

it was weird, the whole mind link thing. you made jokez and flirted through the link as a way of coping because…well you felt out of place

everyone was so close with each other, not to mention they didn’t come from a background of “bad guy shenanigans”

you felt like an outcast for the longest time, until everyone was revealing vulnerable secrets with each other before a mission. you finally spoke your insecurities with your place on the team

you and Artemis had the same worries (more or less) and bonded over that

you finally were able to let loose and just…be yourself around them

you became soft

the flirting and teasing was still there, however it was saved for missions

you preferred to keep Black Cat’s reputation

individual relationships

ROBIN (romantic)

He was very much against the idea of you being on the team. Sure you weren’t a crazy villain that hurt people (maybe not physically…but you were definitely a heartbreaker, Robin concludes)

You were still a thief at the end of the day. A bad person. And he didn’t like that.

It was Batman’s idea—and usually Batman had great ideas. This was a very bad one. He hated every bit of it.

…until he got to know you better

Taking you down was easy. “Easiest job I’ve ever had,” Robin boasts.

You pout, “that’s not very nice.”

Ha. He knocked you down a peg. Good. You needed a little humbling-

“-How come you’re lying to me, Robin? I thought we had something.”

Uh oh. He absolutely hated when you used that sickeningly sweet voice on him.

Of course you didn’t believe his lie. Of course you could tell how difficult that mission really was.

It’s not apart of his proudest moments. He hesitated to stop you on the mission, completely caught off guard by your flirtatious behavior. I mean, who wouldn’t be?!

In a moment of weakness, he let you go. Awestruck by the kiss you left imprinted on his cheek. Something he got teased relentlessly for.

The rest of the team finished the job for him after that.

In the back of his mind he knows the only reason he didn’t like the idea of you being on the team was because he…knew it wouldn’t end well for him. He was sure to be on your long list of broken hearts (a list that was never confirmed to even exist)

It made sense in his mind…he was Robin. A bird. And you were a cat. A right recipe for disaster. You’d trap him in your greedy little claws and eat him alive.

Over time that perspective changed.

Robin hates to admit it, but he’s softer now. Softer around you. For you.

“I know who you are,” he says with that arrogant smirk.

“So why can’t I know who you are?”

“Only…really important and trustworthy people know. The only person who knows besides Batman is Wally. He’s my best friend.”

“Why doesn’t that include me?” you’re practically purring, rubbing a finger down his face, “am I not important enough to you?” You pout for show

He looks dejected, like he was having an internal battle with himself. And you could tell which part of him was losing.

Your fingers inch slowly towards his mask, ready to lift-

“Robin.” And the stupid, stupid monotone voice that belonged to Batman interrupted you.

You’ll get him back for that.

Robin was now being scolded, but he was having none of it.

“It was a moment of weakness.”

“It will not happen again. No more moments of weakness. You’re growing, your body is going through a lot of different things. Keep it in your pants-”

“Whoa old man! Whoa! That’s going too far. And what about Selina?! You’ve had many moments of weakness because of her. You can’t scold me for this one time.”

“It’s because of my experience with Catwoman that I know better. I’m trying to stop you from…getting hurt.”

Robin calls bullshit on that. What could you possibly do to hurt him? (Thoughts that completely contradict his first impressions of you)

The next time he sees you he’ll spill everything. He’ll let you know that he does trust you and that you do matter. That you’re important to him.

Just to spite Bruce. And maybe because he really likes you and wants you to know it.

It was his idea to bring you onto the team anyways…he’s just giving Bruce exactly what he wanted. A warm welcome to a new teammate.

WALLY (romantic)

Wally was so happy someone FINALLY reciprocated his advances. And especially with a catch like you? Black Cat?! He was over the moon.

At first.

It quickly came to be too much. He's been waiting, praying for someone to match his energy, but now that he's got it? He's not exactly sure how to handle it. He's gotten so used to being blown off, teased, and scolded for his flirting that it was weird when you flirted back.

He was of course the first to tease you when you officially joined the team. He gave your your nickname, Kitty Cat. You despised the name and him for the longest time.

Wally was annoying. Taunting you at all times. Calling to you as if you were an actual cat.

He'd click his tongue, "here kitty kitty."

And for that, your flirting was meaner towards him (compared to how you treated everyone else). Which is the exact reason why he couldn't handle the teasing from you. It wasn't the normal way Robin would, "oh yeah, Wally can't phase the way Flash does. Otherwise he gets a nosebleed. Right, loser?" Or the way Artemis would, "ugh, you flirt like a divorced 40 year old who's desperate for a rebound. Loser."

No, your teasing was quite different. You laughed cruelly, throwing your head back for show, "Come get it before it's gone, loser."

So. He was still a loser to you, but it seemed you actually liked that about him. Maybe.

Wally didn't like it as much as he thought he would. It ruined his cool guy facade (one that didn't exist, Robin would say). It was humbling, the way he suddenly tumbled over his words, face flushed red and all.

More than humbling. It was embarrassing.

You bring him down to the mat with a loud THUD. Much like the time Black Canary beat him during their first time training. Except you used your weight, tumbling on him (and straddling him in the process. Great).

Embarrassing embarrassing embarrassing.

The only person that was able to truly catch him was his best friend, Robin. And that's with years of experience with the speedster. You'd know him all of a few months and you're able to do it?!

"It won't happen again,” referring to his teasing of your name, naming you Kitty Cat and clicking his tongue at you.

“Or I’ll have to teach you a lesson. Much different from this one.” And you casually walk away.

Wally desperately wanted to get up, to humble you back. But he couldn't. He felt physically incapable of doing so.

You had really done it. You slowed down the (second) fastest man alive.

Wow.

"Wow. That was extremely painful to watch," of course Robin had something to say about it.

"Shut up man."

KALDUR (romantic)

It was "unprofessional," he said.

Unprofessional your ass. It was perfectly professional. A lot of people on the teams had partners within those same teams. Black Canary and Green Arrow, Superman and Wonder Woman (exes—but that still counts for something), Conner and M’gann acted like a couple and no one said anything! So what was the problem?

Well apparently there wasn’t a problem…seeing as this “relationship” was more welcomed—as in, Kaldur didn’t tell the Black Cat off when they made advances towards him. Besides when he called their behavior “unprofessional.” That was once. He didn’t say a word of it after that.

In fact, he allowed—dare anyone say encouraged it.

On missions you were attached to his hip. Even if he assigned you to be by Artemis’ side or assist Robin, you wouldn’t listen. And he didn’t say anything about it, instead informing the team to continue on with the plan.

His professional act as the team leader never faltered, not even you could break it down. He merely tolerated your flirting (his words, though you knew better. He loved it).

The team was each in their individual positions scoping out the area, ready to attack at a moments notice. Kaldur was squatted down and you decided it was the perfect opportunity to pounce on him (as you usually did). You wrapped your arms around his neck, now on his back.

“Does the team leader have time for some sweet talk?”

“I, we have a job to do, Cat. Focus.”

You hum, “What are we doing here again?”

He starts relaying the plan to you, you taking note of the way he doesn’t scold you (he repeated the plan to the team multiple times on the way over, he surely would’ve berated one of the other guys for not listening). You never had any intentions of listening, only wanting a chance to annoy him.

“Blah blah blah, is this your version of sweet talk?” You squish his face between your fingers and plant a kiss on his cheek.

He only sighs, “Later. After the mission is complete.”

For once, your find yourself surprised. He’s promising to reciprocate your advances?

This should be fun.

CONNER (romantic)

M'gann was more subtle with her flirting (not really, especially with the way she blushes), more timid and on the nose about her feelings. You? You got straight to the point. Kind of like how open Artemis was when she first joined the team. She had no shame letting the team know telepathically how attractive she thought Superboy was. Seriously, what was it with new recruits and taking an immediate liking to Conner? Why not the other three boys? What did he have that they didn't!

Although Artemis gave up on that crush at first sight almost immediately

You? Not so much. it was very noticeable that the Black Cat was adamant on cracking the boy of steel. it seemed like an impossible mission, but with a little determination and a couple sultry words? it was pretty damn easy

This is very much an enemies to lovers type relationship (kinda):

At the beginning, when you first met, he was open to new relationships. Getting to know people he could count on within the team, though that openness completely died down. Your flirting was nonstop. Even on missions! How was he supposed to concentrate on the task at hand when you found time to graze his arm or speak soft words to him?

You annoyed him, sosososo much it wasn't even funny. Even more than M'gann did. Both of you were insistent, that's for sure. But one was more bold than the other. He tried telling himself it was because he didn't like you: at least with M'gann he wanted a relationship to come from it (not necessarily romantic)

But with you...he hated you. No. He hated the way he reacted to your advances...he hated admitting to himself that your words affected him. That he felt something not so platonic for you. Damn you and your stupid flirting. It was surely going to be the death of him. And that's saying something: the clone of the man of steel actually breaking down? unheard of.

But you managed to do it. Unfortunately.

Conner finds himself thinking about you, more than he'd like. Another reason to dislike you. You take up his mind. Every waking moment and every dream. It's infuriating.

And now he was starting to worry about you during missions. He saw you get knocked down, away from the rest of the team. The fall looked nasty, and with the way you seem to lie there with no intention of getting back up, he's sure you've been knocked out

Conner tries to ignore the way his heart clenches at the sight, kind of like the way it does when concerning you in different context

It gives him the courage to voice his worries, he calls out to you, and as expected: he gets no response

The enemy leans down to your level, ready to do more damage. Conner is quickly snapped out of his daze and starts running over to you

Until he abruptly stops. Because you open your eyes to wink at him, jump up, and take the enemy down with ease.

It's right then that he takes back every thought of admitting he doesn't hate you. Because the stupid smirk you're sending his way reminds him of every reason why he dislikes you.

Everyone is home or in their respective rooms already, leaving you and him. You're behind him, massaging his shoulders gently (your touch wouldn't have persisted if he showed any signs of discomfort, he leaned into it in fact, allowing you to continue)

You bring your head down, cheek to his,

"Oh come on. You can lie to everyone and yourself. But you can't lie to me. I know you were worried back there. Just admit it, Loverboy."

He can only roll his eyes. And blushed. You were never going to live this down.

"I wasn't. Now leave me alone." If only his actions were as convincing as his stern words. Words that would've scared off the likes of M'gann had she been in your position. But you knew better, knew that his shaking hands and quickly warming face meant that his words had no meaning.

Your hand dragged from his shoulder to his chest, right over his heart. Yeah, his words were meaningless with the way his heart was beating for you.

Conner was finally warming up to you and you had him right where you wanted him.

And so you let go. "Whatever you say, Loverboy," and with a kiss to his pink cheek, you leave him alone to ponder his complicated feelings.

Feelings that were in fact not complicated at all. Because Conner was finally, finally ready to admit to himself and to you that he wanted you. So badly.

If only you hadn't pulled away so quickly, he couldn't reciprocated the kiss or two...it would've been an easier, showing you how he feels instead of saying it out loud.

He'll kiss you next time.

M’GANN (romantic)

The Martian can't hide her liking towards you for the life of her. She could’ve even if she tried.

It was near painful, you pitied her. You almost felt bad and stopped teasing her. Almost.

It was fun though, how could you stop?

M’gann would actively seek out your approval and attention when you joined the team. It was only natural, she did it with the rest of the members, so you were no exception.

Besides, the only teammate she was kind of close with was Artemis. Was it sooo wrong of her to want to get close to you?!

Nope! Though she does wish you weren’t so…forward sometimes. Not that it’s unwelcomed, she’s just unsure of how to act because of it. Is she supposed to reciprocate? M’gann has never seen nor experienced such a dynamic on Mars, much less on Earth. So she awkwardly blushes and smiles.

Eventually she gets used to it. And gets very much into it. She won’t vocalize her feelings, instead she’ll mind link and talk that way. Often times it’s easier to communicate through touch. Which says a lot, M’gann would rather use touch?? Not the mind link?? Which was the main source of communication on Mars? Whoa.

It was mainly because…she didn’t want to reveal all her feelings to you. She’s usually able to control what goes through the mind link, having done it since childhood, but you’ve made her mind a complete mess. She all but short circuits when you’re around.

Can anyone blame her?

"You know what I'm thinking?"

"No."

"Well you can read me, can't you Martian girl?"

She giggles at herself, how could she forget? "Hello Megan!"

Her smile turns timid once she reads your mind.

"Oh."

ARTEMIS (romantic)

It was honestly unfair how fast the blonde caught your attention. Her voice. Her stupid raspy voice.

Unfortunately for you, Artemis wasn’t exactly buddy-buddy with you at first. Well, she wasn’t really with any of her teammates. But with time she’s learned to get along with everyone.

“I just wanna get to know you, Blondie. What’s wrong with that?” You asked in the sweetest voice you could muster up, one that usually made everyone fall.

Yet she rolls her eyes.

So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Fine.

It was right after a mission, everyone was surrounding Red Tornado, relaying the events to your mentor.

“You know we could’ve took that guy down way faster had you not been on Robin the whole time.”

“Jealous Blondie?

“Stop calling me Blondie!”

You had sleepovers, movie nights, and other hang out outside of missions. With or without the rest of the team. They were fun, the first time you were alone with her is what really got her to warm up to you.

“Ugh! Of course literally everyone else canceled but Cat.” She really seemed to hate you.

You were outside her window, watching as Artemis complained to no one but herself. She once offhandedly commented on how her place was off limits for hangouts (refusing to explain why, which was okay with the team).

You were definitely crossing a boundary doing this, but she seemed upset in the group chat. You couldn’t just leave her by herself.

And then…the Sportsmaster walks in her room. One of the team’s enigmas. A thorn in their side. What the hell?

He does nothing but berate her for not “joining them.” Joining who? Then proceeds to say he’d be happier if she ever thinks to change her mind

“I’m never going to be apart of your messed up team, dad.”

Oh.

And then he’s just…gone.

You’re stunned, and only then does she finally notice you. She ushers you into her room, now berating you for your actions and spying and breaking her boundaries and…

“Your secret is safe with me, babe.” It was meant to be a term of endearment to reassure her,

Friends called each other babe, right?

“Babe?”

“You’d rather be called Blondie?”

She rolls her eyes, “whatever.” And as annoyed as she wanted to seem, she smiled and hugged you gratefully.

It was the only time you allowed yourself to be any kind of vulnerable around her. Or any of the team for that matter.

Once she got over her high horse, it was a very reluctant friendship turned…something more? That’s to be determined. But with the way she now flirts back? You’d say that was a good sign.

“Hey Blondie.”

“You calling me Blondie is the equivalent of Wally calling you Kitty Cat. Maybe I’ll have to teach you a lesson this time around.”

“I like the way you think, babe.” (You say not so platonically this time)

ROY (romantic)

You were on him as soon as he rejoined the team. How could you not be? He was even grumpier than Conner was when he joined, making him extra fun to mess with.

You had no chill when flirting with him, he decided immediately that was annoyed with you. And did not want to be friends.

Because his actual friends brought him joy, they made him laugh and they listened to him when he had bad days. You? You made a bad first impression, therefore he refused give you the chance to do any of those things.

Often telling you to buzz off and if you didn’t he’d “choke you with a hair ball.” Kinky, you replied.

He hated it.

Until you found out about his girl, his other Cat. Cheshire. That’s when things changed. You were less…on him.

"Me and her were never a thing!"

"Getting defensive there. Afraid I'll get jealous?"

"I could care less about your feelings."

“Oh really? Is that right?”

His eye twitched. He couldn’t believe he was trying to…reassure you? Was that what he was doing?

He was trying to make sure you knew he wasn’t with Cheshire. That her feelings were one sided. It’s something he shouldn’t be doing, he tells himself. In fact, he should be doing the opposite. Tell you that she means something to him, or maybe stay quiet and insinuate that they had something going on.

To get you off his back.

You seemed to back off completely when you found out Cheshire flirted with him often on missions when the goal was to take her down. Much like how the team’s predicament when they first met you.

It made you…upset?

And for some reason that made him upset.

“So you’re my Roy Toy? Mine completely?” Wally and Robin had originally griped about the nickname until it eventually made them laugh. They came to appreciate it.

“I’m no one’s. Not yours, not Cheshire’s, not the Justice League’s nor the team’s.”

“You will be mine one day, Speedy. And you’ll love it.”

Roy doesn’t respond but he feels like…there is some truth to your playful statement.

Maybe one day.

bonus:

THE TEAM

They all slowly turn towards you.

"...you've kissed all of us?"

You only shrug, “wasn’t that obvious?”

you can tell I got lazy lmaooo

I hate how I formatted this omg

[zekeyboy]

I love apprentice adam as much as the next guy. Probably more than the next guy to be honest considering i want him to be alive so badly. HOWEVER. Let’s be real. Apprentice adam is so unlikely to exist for many many reasons.

Adam is not like Lawrence ideology-wise. Lawrence is an upper class white guy who like. he views his life to be ruined by these scum. these people lesser than him (ex. adam, for stalking him & photographing him, tapp, for going off the edge, so on and so forth) and its expanded on when we see the deleted scene from saw 7 where kramer talks to gordon about how like the bottom rung of society will always pull the good men down with them or whatever. like the fact that there was one trap where kramer puts a homeless man in the glass coffin and he has to like. eat shards of glass that got cut. really hammers in how kramer really views people - and in turn, the ideologies he pushes onto Lawrence. Adam is a highschool drop-out who’s, presumably, very involved in punk culture. He was originally supposed to have a huge photo of a Cuban revolutionary on the wall of his apartment. He’s probably never had a real job. In the original script, he’s very open about hating cops. He is the complete opposite of “Important White Male” Lawrence Gordon - and the perfect counter to Lawrence’s game (because, let’s be real - it was always Lawrence centric. I will come back to this later.)

Adam has always been considered the lower level of society. A “bottom-feeder.” He’s a drop-out, his line of work is very illegal, and - judging from the Scott Tibbs documentary, he’s been in that kind of crowd for a while and has forced himself to adapt to it. Trying to keep my personal view of Adam out of this analysis, he’s definitely spent a lot of time around the kind of people that kramer views as scum. He’s also, unsurprisingly, very sweet at his core. Look at how he talks to Amanda in the deleted SAW III scene, how he jokes around with those ladies. He’s like. A nice guy. Scott Tibbs even says so. Lawrence, however, isn’t the kindest. He might put on a face of nice, good guy, but he’s.. What people might expect Adam to be at their core.

Lawrence had his life together, and was dragged down by a bad decision. Adam has a different view and perspective on the world than Lawrence does. he was never at the top and pulled down. he’s been at the bottom and he works with what he has and i really like. i dont think that surviving his trap would change his perspective. i don’t think he would suddenly realize why kramer does what he does. It really wouldn’t help him. However, even if he was going to change his view of the world…

John Kramer does NOT like that guy. Like it’s very clear how biased he is here. Adam’s tape doesn’t even have rules. He doesn’t have a goal. He’s simply told that he might die, that he’s pathetic, and that he needs to ‘do something about it.’ He isn’t given rules, he isn’t given a consequence, he’s given such vague instructions. Lawrence, however, gets clear rules. Kill Adam by 6, or you and your family die.

The kicker, to me, is the fact that Lawrence fails his test. He doesn’t kill Adam by 6. He fails his test. Adam, however, is still alive at 6 - which would imply that he won. Now, I understand that the key was in the tub and that’s how he was supposed to get out. But even without that aspect of it going down the drain and him being doomed from the start, Kramer has a clear biased perspective on the two of them.

Lawrence failed, and is going to die. Adam didn’t fail - it was a design flaw, if anything, and he’s paying for it. Why does John save Lawrence, but not Adam?

It’s not Adam’s test, is the reason. It’s very focused on Lawrence. Anybody could’ve been in Adam’s place - he just had the bad luck of being selected as the photographer by Tapp. Adam was only used as a tool to counteract Lawrence - similar to the janitor in Saw VI for Easton. Adam was never intended to survive, but more to be used as a tool to teach.

Kramer, also, isn’t very fond of impoverished people. Amanda is a special case - but she’s almost more of a trophy if anything. If I got into John and Amanda’s relationship it’d have to be a completely new post, but he’s the kind of person who thinks that you just have to pick yourself up by the bootstraps i think. The fact that he, as I mentioned before, has a deleted trap where he puts a homeless person in the original glass coffin…. Is enough for me to figure out how he really views people below him.

I could probably go on. I probably will go on in my head. I’m very bad at organizing my thoughts. I hope this was comprehensive. I did my best to not accidentally mix in my own personal Adam thoughts that aren’t canon to the films (i have a lot.)

[goodolddumbbanana]

Some of my headcanon facts about House of Suns au.

1. Dark Sun calls all the Sun, Sun, except Servant, because he doesn't consider Servant Sun as Sun. Also, all of the Suns, only Servant Sun wants to call himself Servant and not some variant of Sun's name.

While Dark Sun with Sun is the: "I could make him worse." And "He is not so bad and maybe there are still hopes inside him." Relationship.

Dark Sun and Servant have the same: " You should be addicted to shut the fuck up. --- You want to kiss me so badly it makes you look stupid." Relationship.

2. There are three people who technically couldn't die in House of Sun.

Servant who keeps getting revived anytime he dies, (just like Kenny in South Path.) and keeps dying countless times a day because what is dead is supposed to be dead. The universe is trying to fix the existence of Servant, making him couldn't get to another day without some ridiculous deaths.

SunBOT who lives by the rules of the cartoon, meaning he is usually indestructible and very durable. Also he has a lot of clones under Moon's basement.

Sunny who is a half-ghost, he gets linked with his Solar. Which means as long as Solar still exists, he is still there, wandering around. He likes Danny Phantom without the alive part and has no power except floating (?) and turn solid (?) Also the reason why his vision is terrible and he needs glasses is because His and Solar's codes matched, so the universe decided to split their abilities in physical in half.

3. Cringe Sun is besties with Sundrop (No Moon's Sun).

They are both smarter than people give credit for, with Sundrop having to deal with Fazbear's shit everyday since he woke up and don't have a Moon to give him a heavily low self esteemed and downgrade his intelligence.

Sundrop is also more curious than usual Sun (he has more free time) and he usually spies on and travels on different dimensions a lot to the point it becomes his addiction and his professional job. Intergalactic bounty hunter, or just a Traveler.

He is getting better, though.

And with Cringe Sun, because being smart is based, so maybe from his dimension he is still considered an idiot but from outside difference universe perspective, he is actually pretty smart.

Cringe Sun also has to work his ass off to fix his Solar and find his Moon, who went on vacation so he always has his sunglasses on and he actually lives on vodka and coffee.

Sundrop is the one who always drags his ass back to bed to make him rest.

4. While Sunny has a very good banter with Servant and Goose Sun, and Sun with Sunshine (EAPS!Sun). It is SunBOT who follows Dark Sun a lot and likes his little sidekick.

SunBOT also can turn on and off his intelligence, but he is too dumb to be able to do that to himself.

It is Dark Sun who did that lots of time because he wants someone to do the hating and killing Moon with him sometimes.

Also SUNBOT compared to the others is more unhinged. Dude can be a little sociopath sometimes.

That's it for today. You guys can ask more if you guys are interested in this AU :)

[dilf-c0nn0isseur]

I think people only see logan as a dick like yeah the guys kinda an asshole but the same asshole goes out of his way to help people for no gain. In the first xmen, he helps Rouge and even makes sure she's ok throughout the whole film. Let's not forget "come on, I'll take care of you". In origins, he comes back to save the woman who betrayed him and saves her sister and other mutants on top of it. Like logans good man trying to be bad because he fears losing who he cares about. So he pretends not to care. We only see logan just purely be a dick after everyone is dead in "logan" even so he still takes care of Charles.

Idk I feel like people forget he's actually kinda a softy to those he cares about romantically and platonically.

Oh, and in "the Wolverine." he stops miriko(I think that's her name) from killing herself and saves her from tbe yakuza. I the whole time he patronized and called her princess, but he still fights to save her despite his healing factor being gone.

His whole character is when someone ask for something he says "no" while doing the thing they asked😂😭 sorry to ramble, but it's kinda been bugging me

WARNING: SOME DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE SPOILERS!!!

i absolutely love how in depth you went with this!! i totally agree with everything, this is exactly how i want to write him. i do heavily support different writing techniques/headcanons/styles/etc though, i definitely think a lot of it is based on his character in d&w which is pretty accurate i mean he is a mean old man. my truth is that’s literally how i thought his whole character was when i saw it when it first came out because i’ve never gotten into xmen or deadpool or wolverine until now🤫🤫 so my earliest writing of him is more like that.

but now that i’ve gone back and watched the xmen movies, my whole perspective of him has changed so much. i love the variant of him in the new movie, but i just cannot get past his selfless, caring nature in the xmen movies. the way that he almost can’t bring himself to kill jean once she’s turned evil and the fact that he did literally EVERYTHING in his power to save her.

even in deadpool & wolverine, we still see these underlying traits in the ‘worst’ wolverine variant; him trying to take wade’s place in the end knowing that whoever goes in that room won’t come out alive.

ugh i love rambling about these things!! i still need to watch xmen: days of future past and the wolverine for him. i’m so scared to watch logan cause i know i’m gonna SOB.

ALSO!! this is not by ANY means me hating on any writing style of logan. i honestly love all of it and think that a lot of it is justified. this is just my personal preference on how i view him, and how i wanna incorporate it into future writings of him. ♥️♥️♥️

[jellyfishjuliet]

my favorite thing about about the 90's young justice solos is that they catered towards three distinct audiences, and yet after all these years, the one that would have been LEAST likely to be projected into nowadays is now the MOST woobified out of the three.

tim: a story for white kids, by a white guy who hates poor people, and didn't really take itself OUT of that white-male-projective-state even after all these years. bonus note, now the gays can project into tim cuz timbo's finally out the closet, and chuck dixon wants to kill himself over it, but it's ok bc we like tim even tho we don't like chuck.

bart: a story initially about a time-displaced refugee whose narrative heavily mirrored a refugee's forced assimilation into a new culture WHILE also appealing to the adhd/autism crowd, which the writer was absolutely OK with because bart's story can be accepted by BOTH the refugee narrative enjoyers and the adhd/autism crowds without impinging on his narrative poignancy, plus mark waid actually loved bart and he loves that WE love bart. inshallah he will write his boy again.

kon: a story about teenagers who are being neglected, and so he's acting out every which way and partying it up because he was meant to appeal to the 90's teenage rage and show how easy it is for kids to get caught up with predators like knockout and tana because of the lack of structure and discipline in their lives, but when geoff decided to ignore nearly ten years of creator-run canon, we had to deal with his timkonnie dreams, and now geoff's leaving, so now we gotta deal with the yja nonsense and some lady's self-insert dreams going into a character whose writer is not only still alive, but actively on the bi!kon train but from the 90's crackhead era perspective. and HE'S the one most woobified.

it's absolutely facinating cuz you'd think kon would be the most hated out of the three bc of his issues with consent and the unhealthy ways he frames relationships, but instead it's BART who people hate the most! bart's being infantalized and discounted and used at a third-man-ship-prop, while tim's being rewarded for being an emotionally strugglesome white man who just came out of the closet, and it's not nearly as bad as how bart's getting his ass beat in the fandumb, but poor tim can't even date his high school homie in peace without someone crying about how he 'deserved' kon instead.

to think that the character with that many issues would be the MOST woobified character in the yj cast is insane, bc what are you even woobifying? his depersonalization? his lack of boundaries with women? his inability to read a room? the fact that nobody loves nor cares about him enough to protect him from the horrors of the world? the fact that he was a stellar example of a CSA survivor who didn't even KNOW he was a victim of CSA, and thus wasn't really able to understand the ramifications of his inappropriate behavior until years later when he forced himself into a masculine fold so he didn't fall into the trap of being like 'the old him' again?

kon's story was a story of self-hatred come to life in the most fantastical ways. he thinks it's ok to publicly date a grown woman other people are judging for dating a dumbass minor. he didn't know what a mother's love was, and had to witness it first hand with nanaue's mother. he thinks an emotionally unavailable and distant clone handler is his dad bc he doesn't KNOW anyone else who can fit into that mold. he thinks roxy's his sister but still has no problem sexualizing her in his head bc he thinks it's ok to find your older sister hot.

kon was the DEFINITION of the kids are not alright, nope, not at all, hell to the fuck no. geoff was the single biggest driver in stripping all the nuance from his character post-graduation day, but he not even here no more... what's the excuse in continuing to strip away at what makes kon, kon? i know dc's afraid to admit lois and clark looked the other way when a teenaged clone was dating an adult woman, but you woulda thought he woulda been a turnoff to the fandumb as well. he aint tho, so he suffers for it accordingly.

i can only hope karl kesel lands another contract after these new movies flop, so we can finally get a REAL follow-up to the 1994 solo. you could never make me hate that man's insane writing. justice for 1994 kon. if dc still had good writers, we coulda had a multi-year healing arc exposing how horrifying superheroing really is for people, and why clones deserve something to the equivalent of human rights. instead, he's doin fuckall and kissin m'gann. no shade to m'gann, she absolutely deserves more than the current caricature.

[mocha-tapioca]

spoilers for drdt beyond the prologue utc

funniest plot twist guys actually wouldn’t it be funny if teruko was actually the rival this whole time. like if david (the guy we all collectively love and hate atp) was actually the protagonist because he still clings onto the hope that there is still some good in this world while teruko has all but given up on it because nothing good has ever come out of hoping for her. like what if this is david’s world and we’re all just living in it

okay i typed this all out for fun n i was gonna say goodnight but now that im like. writing this out. wait lowkey why is this clicking a little. something something teruko “i keep losing everything i love so i have no choice but to slowly rot in my own despair while shielding myself from letting things get worse for me. but i’m still alive anyway so i’ll survive quietly” tawaki vs. david “there is something (maybe even someone) beyond this sadistic game show that allows me to cling onto hope despite it all, and if that means everyone else including me will die then so be it” chiem

the ways they cope with loss—lashing out only to bottle it up in the end vs bottling it up only to lash out at the end—oh i love them. i love them so dearly thank u for these compelling dynamics drdt dev

is teruko actually the protagonist? she should be—we’ve been following her perspective this whole time after all. but at the same time she is constantly having her cynical worldview challenged by other people, like charles and eden and whit and david, who all cling to hope and happiness despite it all. for all the cast’s eccentricities, they have the luxuries of being able to wish for something teruko doesn’t have: a life worth living outside of this killing game. something that, as she slowly loosens up during this trial, makes her realize that oh, maybe i could have a future like this too. it’s something that i’ve noticed rivals in the canon games have too (maybe minus nagito but he was not someone whose personality i’d analyzed back in middle school where my danganronpa roots lie. also he lowkey freaks me out). maybe with these guys by my side, i can finally learn to hope again. idk power of friendship guys wahoo

david is surrounded by people who love him, who he encourages like a knight in shining armor—like a main character, perhaps. we don’t fully know how much of act it is, especially considering how this is chapter two and we got our current emo eyebag loser literally one episode ago. but what we do know is that he treasures xander a lot, though the nature of that relationship right now is unknown—romantic? platonic? parasitic, even? im not rlly into the drdt ship culture so i couldn’t tell u. the fact that david’s memories are also starting to return can help us assume that in both the current killing game and during hope’s peak, they’d idolized each other. could david be connected to the sterlings, that business family we keep seeing within the drdt universe? could the sterlings be the true mastermind and the reasons behind this place’s existence?

idk how to continue this but something something “i am the protagonist and i cannot die” seems like some sort of vague setup for a 5th/6th chapter death involving teruko that will involve david needing to take over. ties it back together for her essentially being the reason behind the first murder

[deanbrainrotwritings]

— THE LOVE LETTER COLLECTION: PART TWO

SUMMARY : being a dreamwalker, seeing every universe, having a hot boyfriend. there’s a million perks to that. the soft version.

PAIRING : dean winchester x dreamwalker!reader (f.) x dean variants

CHARACTERS : just a bunch of dean variants

WARNINGS/TAGS : talk about the barn scene, angst, fluff

WORD COUNT : 2.6k

A/N : this fills the hurt/comfort square on my @jacklesversebingo card. still written from Dean's perspective (I hope you feel loved by him, lmao) XX

The meeting was over and I was completely shocked by the news that bearded-Dean broke to us. He saved me. Doing that caused the destruction of his world and he went through with it anyway.

I remember that day clearly. I missed that damn metal thing about a dozen times that night and I wonder which time he interfered to get me to survive. He’s the reason I’m still here, and I'm partially pissed that he’s toying with my life, but if I were dead, what would that do to her? 

“So you could be happy with him,” he explained, almost sounding like a plea to get me to hear him out and not think the worst of him. It wouldn’t make sense for me to hate him, or treat him like he’s a villain. He did what I would do: sacrifice everything for her. The thought of everyone else that died in the timeline, like Sam, Donna, Jody, the girls… It hurts and now I understand why there is so much pain in his eyes. 

“You gave me up, too…” she murmured softly, looking up at him sadly. I start to realise now, he’s more me than anyone else here. He is literally me from the future. All my past with her, he has that. All that love, it’s still there. So are the memories and the things he could have had with her, but he gave that up so that I could have them and be alive at the same time. 

“You’re in there somewhere now,” he tried to lighten the mood with a faint smile. 

Standing on her toes, she wrapped her arms around his neck. It was one of my favourite types of hugs from her. I didn’t complain this time, when he wrapped his arms around her quietly and buried his face into her neck. He hid himself, the way I always did, using her warm embrace. 

While he finds comfort in her arms, I observe everyone in the meeting room focusing on the files Ken-me brought in a cart. Occasionally, they’d look up with longing and sadness that was different from the look the soldiers had when they saw her. It was interesting. 

I did a quick count of everyone in the room. Twenty-six. That’s the same amount of versions of her he said he’d placed inside that rock. It couldn’t be. But it would make sense that the versions of me who were with a version of her are sitting here coming up with plans, leading different groups, focusing on different projects. 

If that guy is me, from a future that doesn’t exist anymore, he doesn’t belong anywhere but here. He made this place to keep her safe after getting her killed by saving me. Of course he’d place her lovers at a higher rank than the other me’s in this place who are merely soldiers, dreamers. It’s not that they’re less important, it’s that they haven’t had a chance to actually love her and that’s why it’s different. 

I only recognise two variants of myself in the room. The rich guy with that HunterCorp company and me from the Apocalypse world. I know for a fact that they had her as their girlfriend, too. Apocalypse-me lost her from an illness not related to the Croatoan virus and HunterCorp-me lost her on a hunt when a gorgon killed her.

The guy closest to me wore a red button up and a black t-shirt. He paused in the middle of his sentence to look at me with an indifferent look on his face. It’s weird looking at myself. He’s not much older than I am. The wrinkles by his eyes aren’t as noticeable as mine are now and I see something in his eyes that I hadn’t seen in a while. Something that sends a chill up my spine and makes me shudder.

“You have a question,” he states astutely. I laugh and nod, putting my hands on my hips as I watch the field scattered across the table. 

“So.. all of you, you’ve lost her… somehow?” The ones close enough to hear my question stop what they’re doing. They’re listening now, to me. I can see that they’re curious about my question.

“Yeah,” he confirmed, then lifted the sleeve of his arm to reveal the Mark of Cain. My heart stutters at the sight of the pinkish scar on his skin. “I killed her and Sam…” he reveals. My heart plummets to my stomach. That was one of my biggest fears once I’d been cured of being a demon. “This place suppresses the effects of the Mark, makes me feel almost normal.” His words put me at ease and I know he’s not lying because there’s no chance in hell I’d let someone like him in here if he were a danger to everyone. 

Standing here now, I start to connect a few pieces together. This whole place at the end of and the beginning of time being named the Monument while containing only variants of myself, variants who all will always only love her and have always only loved her. The steadfast belief that every single person here and outside of this room has that she is the only one for them… it’s like this place was built on a foundation of love primarily for her, and then it extends to love for everything else in existence. 

Older-me said so himself, he spends more of his time worrying about her, going as far as destroying his entire timeline so she could be happy with me. They all know, they all chose him to lead them, allow him to lead them, and live peacefully with each other because that’s what she’d want. This whole place is a declaration of love for her, our unending respect of what she believes in, our undying loyalty and commitment to her and her life alone. 

I watch her interact with them now that older-me has collected his wits. He’s not with her at the moment, he’s focused on a file, but he does look up at her every once in a while. I wonder what she said to him that’s making him keep looking at her and what he could be thinking of with every glance her way. 

I study her from across the room as she talks to them. Her face never changes when she talks to them. She’s surrounded by love here. I can see it on her face and it’s reflected in theirs, too. Their gratitude and the sudden peace that overcomes them fills the room. I can tell being near her heals a part of them that had been broken the moment she was lost to them forever. 

She’s immersed completely in them, there’s a lustre of adoration in her eyes, and she has the most tender smile when they explain or answer her questions. I’m amazed by their self-control, had she been giving me that look, I’d take her face in my hands and kiss her senseless. 

Suddenly, the thought of any one of them doing that didn’t make me sick with jealousy. They were more like me than I'd like to admit. Their devotion to her was admirable. I appreciate their respect for me by not making a single move on her and by not doing anything to make her uncomfortable. I hate to say they’ve earned my trust. 

She’s so beautiful as she listens to them intently. They’re like children getting attention from their doting mother, except that’s a weird analogy for this situation. I’m sure they want to kiss her, aching to touch her soft and warm skin, longing to hold her after not feeling her close to them for years—or who knows how long, really. 

I leave the group around me as they talk about the files and make my way to her. I’d think this place would be filled with toxicity and anger issues. Instead, we’re more concerned about the mission and hyper-focused on protecting what others still have across innumerable universes. They’re brought together by hope, grief, and love. All the things that make us who we are.

I know she’s smart enough to have figured all of this out, too, by now. 

As I get closer to her, I wonder what it’s like for her to know all this. What does she feel knowing she has all our hearts at the palm of her hand? Knowing her, she’s baffled, maybe a little confused as to why they’d make themselves so miserable waiting around in this giant, lonely monument dreaming of her rather than being out there actually living their lives with the ones they love. I’d imagine it would get boring in Heaven, I’d run out of that place and come here, too, if she weren’t there waiting for me. 

I circle my arm around her waist and give her a kiss on her cheek, which is hot and red. She laughs nervously at whatever the 1920’s variant of me said to her. I didn’t catch it, but she continues to laugh as she says, “you’re funny.” It’s in that ‘I don’t believe you, but whatever you say’ tone that makes me smile when I look down at her. 

“I’m serious,” he affirms, laughing along with her. She looks up at me, as if I’d be on her side, but I’m lost. I shrug at her with a light-hearted frown. “You’d be surprised by how easy it is for someone as damaged as us to be stuck on a breathtaking, unobtainable, dream-woman over any other hotsy-totsy lady that’s obtainable and real.” 

Now, I get it. I’d been with plenty of women in my past, women I cared for deeply and even truly loved at some point. As much as I respect and even admire them, none of them come close, none of those relationships compare to what I have with her. 

I’m not surprised to see she’s shocked. I'd be equally as bewildered as she is now if the situation were reversed. If the room was filled with variants of her, only in love with me, I wouldn’t be able to wrap my head around it. I’d be flattered and upset at the same time. 

She blushes harder, looks at me again, begging me to be the reasonable one in the group, but I shake my head apologetically. “Maybe you should shut up,” she floundered, crossing her arms over her chest and looking away from them. They laugh at the same time that I do and I can feel her shrink into herself, but a sheepish smile makes its way onto her face.

“Am I makin’ you blush?” He teases her with a boyish grin. She sighs---almost disappointedly---and moves out of my embrace, uncrossing her arms. She takes us in, all of us standing next to each other, and she looks devastated now; all playfulness leaves her. 

“I just… that can’t be true,” she says quietly, looking at them. “I want you all to be happy… out there.” They get serious, too, frowning at her disheartened tone. “You’ve all gone through so much… and to just end up here… alone. I don’t want that for you.” Silence falls over us and I feel a pang in my chest at her words. 

“Listen, I’m not saying the women we were interested in aren’t good enough. They’re great and amazing.” This time it’s Firefighter-me talking, but I’m more surprised than I should be that we all think the same. She looks at me, chewing on her lip thoughtfully. “Jo’s great, Cassie’s great, Lisa’s great… ya know, whoever else, but they deserve better, too. Dontcha think so?” He asks, trying to get her to be a little less daunted by their choices. Because they are theirs. They’re doing what they want and what they believe. It’s not like the older version of me left them choiceless. I know myself, no one’s taking my right to choose, no one’s trapping me that way—never again. 

“We shouldn’t waste their time either,” cowboy-me added. “It wouldn’t be sincere or fair to them because we would continue to love you the most.” She tilts her head to the side, her lip quivers, and we all know what’s going to happen. “You know, everytime we sleep, we dream of you. We see the life you have with your Dean. It’s all we want and it’s amazing to get to feel you and to get to live it, but when we wake up, we feel empty, disappointed… because you’re not ours, you’re not here, and we can’t feel you anymore. Your warmth is gone and you’re so far away from us, and I know you want more for us, but we just can’t be happy with someone who isn’t you.” He tried to reconcile her by bringing her in for a side-hug and a kiss on the forehead. She tried to hold back her tears with quiet sniffles, deep breaths, and by clenching her jaw. I don’t think it worked because she gave him a full hug, burying her face in his chest. “That life just wasn’t meant for us and we’re okay with it.” 

I wonder what it’s like for them to see her here in person. Is it of any comfort to them? Or does it just make them hurt more? To have her in their grasp and then have her gone again, but this time it’s her own choice to leave them. Does it hurt that she’s choosing someone else, me? Will being around her allow them to move on? 

If I were them, I’d be miserable seeing her with someone who isn’t me. There’s a dull ache in my chest that I almost believe is just an echo of what they must feel. Moving on may not be an option for them, considering that they willingly chose to work in a monument of the love they have for her. If she were here, I’d never be able to move on.

“We really appreciate that you two came,” older-me spoke, slightly causing them to break apart. He brought his hand to the top of her head and gave her a sad smile, an understanding look in his eyes. “We’ve got to focus and get to work now... We’ll see you around, the two of you.” 

“I’m sorry,” she says softly, but it sounded a lot like an ‘I love you’. She went to him and let herself be pulled into his embrace. He kissed her cheek, his lips lingered, and her eyes closed to bask in his affection. 

He pulled away from her and then made his way to me, allowing her to say goodbye to everyone else. “Alright, uh… listen,” he said quietly, stepping close so I could smell his cologne—smelled way better than mine, “Don’t be a dumbass and do something about that box you’ve got hidden away. ‘Cause if you don’t, I’m givin’ you nightmares. Okay? Okay.” He slapped my back and laughed as if trying to cover up our conversation.

“But what if she says no?” I ask, hating the insecurity in my voice. 

“The whole point of this place is that she’s always gonna say yes to us.” He doesn’t elaborate, he just walks away and leaves me to stew in that. I open my mouth and turn around to ask him what the hell he meant. I take in her gentleness when she’s talking to them, holding Firefighter-me’s face in her hands, and dropping a few loving kisses on his temple. 

Maybe I should stop overthinking things. Primarily because when it comes to her, I don’t have to think about or doubt anything. This isn’t something that’s being chosen for me, but being shown to me as an option of what I could have. 

➥ same book but never the same page

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© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TO DEANBRAINROTWRITINGS 

do not steal, plagiarise, translate, or republish my work on another platform

[hello-universe-lovers]

hey

if this doesn't bother you, can you please loredump about your stp voices

like, noooo I'm not here to steal ideas, why in the world would I ever do that

still, I am curious

bonus if you can talk about your ships

Honey, nothing is original anymore/hj

But I plan to have a whole ass au for my version of stp, which changes the voices and princesses. If you want to wait for that, you can stay tuned.

If not. I guess I can go more into my voice ships.

- Stubtunist: this started As a joke, but as I learned about myself: once a joke happens, it sticks. My version of Stubborn lives by KISS (Keep it Simple, Stupid), is Aussie-coded and INCREDIBLY strong. A guy like him would make for easy target for Oppy to weasel into for that extra protection. But overtime, Oppy's attitude changed significantly. Think of it like your Smittunist, except Stubborn is aware he wasn't being genuine, at first. Once Oppy makes an effort to do better, he was one of the first to accept his apology and ended up being his hype man/trainer. My version of Oppy tends to let analytics take over his brain (so he can think who to side with on the fly), to which Stubborn will literally knock him out of it, and keep him on the "not-so-straight-but-good-enough" road. Hell, Stubborn being so open and readable reassured Oppy since he doesn't need to pretend or be afraid of him. If he's upset, he'd let him know.

- CheatBroken: My version of these 2 are different. For one, both are disabled due to the princesses (Fury and Wild, respectively), and they are also girls, so this is Sapphic as shit. Just 2 people with varying degree of "I'm done with the world" getting together to bitch and moan, until something akin to mutual affection forms. They can understand each other physically and mentally, and that makes it so they are the comfort pillow and wake up call both needed. Neither want their attitude to drag the other down, and can recognize the signs of a mental spiral to wake em out of it. There really isn't anything too deep with em, they just happened as a joke (this is a problem/j)

- HeroCold (and basically everyone tbh): oh...them. I don't hate them, mind you. But this is pure crack, from the outside perspective. My Cold shows signs of depression and does the bare minimum to keep himself alive (not that he needs to, but it's a pain to listen to Hero rant about his "health" so he keeps it up). His care for the others are as muted as canon Cold. The only difference is that he has slightly more sympathy. When Hero is stressed from making sure everyone is OK, he is there to offer coffee that he always has. He talks Paranoid out of his own fears, he gets Smitten to tone back on the love poems, he gets Stubborn to stop punching the Wall, and so on. The reason HeroCold is the main ship is bc they somehow became the "parents" of this dysfunctional family. But that's not saying a lot, as they themselves are complicated.

- Smittunist: you must be familiar with this one ;). But mine is slightly different. Mainly, the dynamic is reverse. Instead of Oppy being jealous of the Princess, it's Smitten that's jealous. His main princess of devotion is the Tower, someone who, while appreciative of his company, is incapable of reciprocating his romantic feelings. She sees him as a disciple or priest or whatever, not a "lover". Meanwhile, Oppy has a girlfriend in the Thorn (the princesses are all poly too, your honor), who they treat with tenderness, even if their personalities clash. Sometimes they fight, make out, or just casually exist around each other. But it's REAL, it's DOMESTIC, and by GOD, if Smitten's heart craved it. He of course, never admits it out loud. To be loved by his Goddess is more than enough, why should he be greedy and think about another woman's man's man woman?! Meanwhile, Oppy picked up thst Smitten is faking his emotions (takes one to know one, and all) and since he still has to rebuild bridges, he and Thorn are on their own in deciphering what's wrong with their resident love bird.

And that's all for now!! I have more dynamics in between voices, but these are the ones I thought the most about. If you are OK with more dispersed thoughts on other ships, I am willing to put em here. ContraHero for one is smth I would want an excuse to think more about ;)

[chaoticbardlady99]

Lethal Woman- Chapter 6 (GN! AFAB! Reader x Astarion) 18+ MDNI

Author note- work has kicked my ass left right and center. I also deleted my draft of this chapter like three separate times until I finally wrote something I loved.

CW- mentions of still birth, mentions of miscarriage, smut, fluff (I think? Any emotional intimacy is fluff to me 💀), mentions of torture, mentions of rape/sexual assault, mentions of physical and emotional abuse, violence. (I think that may be all? Also this all looks not awesome, but I promise it’s a lot more awesome than you think and not Uber grotesque.)

It’s been mostly edited and I definitely have chapter 7 basically done so I’m anticipating being happy with my draft by Sunday. Happy reading! Thank you for everyone who likes my little self indulgent angst fic!!!!

Also- please remember I take creative liberties. A good chunk of the Nightmasks are dead canonically (RIP my guys) but for the purpose of this story, they are alive. Oh and the names are hard so forgive me for the lack of consistent spelling lmao

Chapter 7

“Ugly, wretched little thing.”

Dahlia’s term of endearment sticks to your brain like- well- an illithid parasite. You are sitting with Karlach and Shadowheart, each of you on your fourth glass of whatever alcohol you could find as the Tieflings jovially celebrate around you. You want to feel the same warmth and happiness everyone else does, but you are too busy trying to ignore the fact that Alfira and Astarion have been talking since the beginning of the party- Alfira immediately walking up to him with her stupid, beautiful face. And her stupid kind heart and pretty voice.

You liked her enough to be her friend, but now? You are struggling not to haul her off by her horns and kick her into the river in the stinking Owlbear den.

Get yourself together Rowan, it was never going to happen anyway.

“Soldier, you might want to stop burning a hole through the Bard with your eyes- Astarion can’t tolerate fire remember?,” Karlach jests and you give her a sour look.

You hadn’t really talked to Astarion since earlier in the day when he had come to your aid when Priestess Gut had a firm grip on your mind, then he fought by your side while you freed Halsin. You had split up after that, him going to help Shadowheart and Karlach and you off to support Wyll and Gale’s group. The fight against Dror Ragozlin and his crew of misfits was easy and Lae’zel evidently enjoyed getting to fight next to you for once. You wanted to enjoy the moment with your companions, your victory just in your grasp, but you had been somewhat distracted during the battle because Minthara’s thoughts had been so Gods damn loud.

You appeared to be the only one experiencing this problem- you assumed that she is specifically targeting you for a reason, but you couldn’t figure out why until she showed you a different image than the fight in front of her.

It was you, standing over a drow female in Menzoberranzan. The alley way is dark with her blood dripping into the cobblestone. You could feel Minthara’s rage- you had killed her lover.

You remember that contract now- It was one of the few you had received where it was required that the target be mutilated and you hated every second of it. Minthara was one of the few people who had ever managed to almost catch you, but you had evaded her successfully. The picture changed, she showed you a flash from Shadowheart’s perspective- it’s you and Astarion, talking in hushed voices and close to each other by the fire. The scene is far more intimate than you realized and certainly incriminating. Her voice boomed in your head.

You killed my lover. Now I’m going to kill yours.

A scream pierced the air as Karlach cried out for Shadowheart. You watched in horror as Shadowheart hit the stone wall hard and dropped flat on her face- unmoving. Karlach was at her side within seconds, trying to get her to wake up. Then Karlach pitched forward after a spell hit her. Karlach was screaming in terror at the top of her lungs and rolling around in pain. You stared at the scene for what felt like hours- rigid and mortified- until Minthara caught your attention again.

Minthara showed Astarion- fighting for his life against her as her blade nicked him and cut him superficially. Thankfully he is a lot faster than her, but your feet were moving before your brain had time to process your actions. Your rage is all consuming- every part of your body feels like it’s on fire.

Between the use of Ghost Step and Spider Crawl, you made quick work of sneaking into the battlefield. You waited for an opening- Minthara and Astarion were neck and neck, blow for blow before Minthara managed to break one of his daggers and slam the hilt of her longsword atop of his head.

Astarion stumbled backwards and fell over on his side. You tried to suppress your own nausea as you watched him struggle to get up as Minthara began menacingly moving towards him. The bloodlust in her thoughts- you could taste it on your tongue. Vengeance is in her reach, but you are not the same you when Tessa died. You will be damned if this bitch of a woman was going to torture two of your closest friends and kill the one person who has made your barely beating, locked away heart a little less heavy to carry.

You cast Evard’s Black Tentacles and manipulated them so that one vine grabbed Minthara’s right hand and ripped it away from the left- her long sword fell to the ground. You picked it up as she screamed profanities at you.

You manipulated another to wrap around her throat and it pulled her down on her knees- she faced the bridge with horror on her face as you stalked towards her with your vampiric stare. You watched as she confronted her own mortality with angry tears- her tadpole hurled profanities at you in Elvish, Drow elvish, and Common. You just smiled at her, sweetly, slowly, like you had perfected for years now.

Minthara’s tears were running down her face and she fought against the tentacles as they squeezed tighter around her throat and wrists.

The next words you had spoken in Elvish- “Say hi to your lover for me”- before you cut her head clean off her shoulders with her own weapon.

You hadn’t looked at Astarion after you had killed Minthara- you were actually too afraid to see the way he may look at you. Would he be repulsed by you? Afraid? You didn’t want to know.

So now, instead, you are stuck watching him flirt with the feminine, beautiful tiefling that you want to go and feed to the resurrected harpies (they aren’t resurrected- yet). You know it isn’t her fault- you just never stood a chance.

“Roo, really, he is barely focusing on her,” Shadowheart says with a roll of her eyes, “he keeps looking over here at you anyway.”

“Oh I’m sure he is after I brutally murdered someone in front of him,” you cross your arms, your tone laced in venom, “yeah that’s a real attractive quality to have- I am capable of brutal MURDER.”

Shadowheart goes to protest, but Karlach beats her to it.

“I don’t know Soldier, he looked pretty dazzled to me.”

You bust up laughing, choking on some of your wine.

“Dazzled, you say?”

“Razzle DAZZLED!” Karlach offers big explosive hands with her statement, “and I mean- he’s into blood so it’s not like you beheading something is all that damning. Maybe he’s really into it.”.

You choke on your wine again, this time it comes out of your nose. You are both dying laughing now, evidently the alcohol had gotten to your heads. It wasn’t because you were making fun of him- it was just the whole idea itself was so ridiculous and the fact that you can nonchalantly talk about beheading a person as an endearing prospect with these two individuals is so bizarre. Shadowheart was laughing despite herself.

Eventually the three of you make your way to the firepit and join Halsin and Gale while they smoke something out of Halsin’s pipe. You ask to try it and it burns your throat as you cough harshly. Halsin laughs hardily and says you’ve passed initiation. Shit, you don’t even remember walking over to the campfire anymore.

Another hour or so passes, Astarion is out of sight and the high has worn off. You feel pleased to see Alfira standing and talking to her friend dejectedly. Maybe he rejected her? You might be a terrible person, but you feel like you already knew that.

You feel overwhelmed all of a sudden by the proximity and warmth of everyone around the fire. You wait for the right moment to remove yourself from the situation- desperately needing a moment of peace and quiet.

If anyone notices you get up, they don’t say anything. You quickly steal another bottle of wine from beside Gale and Halsin and sneak off into the woods.

You crack open the bottle and slowly sip on it as you meander through the woods, finding the secret path to the beach that you have come to adore so much. You had been eyeballing one specific cliff edge ever since you and Astarion had found this place. It wasn’t a massive cliff, but the pool at the bottom of it is deep enough for you to jump into the water without injury. It was something your father used to do with you when you were a child. There was a river that ran outside of your little town and as you moved further into the woods, you could find a waterfall with a deep pool at the bottom. He would teach you flips and different jumps. He had deemed you the world’s finest diver right before he died- cheering you on from the ground below.

You feel warm and melancholy from the memory. Gods you miss your parents.

You drop the bottle of wine and strip down to your underwear and make your way towards the top of the waterfall.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Astarion had finally managed to get Alfira to leave him alone. She is an adorable little creature, but she is not the one on his radar right now. Adorable does not compare to the vision you are- nor the protection you provide.

Astarion had spent the last painstaking hour and a half watching you laugh with quite literally every person in camp who has a crush on you- Shadowheart, Lae’zel, Gale, and even Halsin is fucking smitten now. Gods could you just stop being yourself for five minutes? Astarion needs (and silently wants) your attention to only be on him. It is absolutely crucial to his survival. Speaking of which, where the hells were you?

You were no longer by the fire where he had last seen you before he snuck into Gale’s tent to steal one of the nicer bottles of wine he hoards away from everyone. Astarion had planned on using your shared connection to ask you to meet him at your spot, but now you are nowhere to be found.

Astarion fights the urge to scream out of frustration as he treks through the woods towards the spot on the beach hoping by some miracle that you may already be there.

Astarion stops as your scent hits his nose. He walks around the corner of the rock that you both use as a landmark and freezes when he notices your clothes are sprawled across the ground and a bottle of wine is a third of the way empty. He tries to ignore the ache that is starting to consume his chest. Did you bring someone else here? Shadowheart maybe? You were sitting rather close to her earlier…

Did his three days of stubbornness really just allow you to fall into someone else’s arms?

Astarion’s sinking feeling gets worse when something flashes out of the corner of his eye.

He sneaks around the corner- reminding himself that he is merely just making sure Shadowheart isn’t being… Shadowheart?

Imagine his shock when Astarion doesn’t see Shadowheart at all. Instead, he witnesses you complete a perfect aerial twist before graciously diving into the waves below. He feels completely frozen until you break the water and laugh wildly. Astarion thinks his own heart might start beating from his chest being filled with the sound.

You jump out of the water and race back up to the top of the rock using Spider Crawl- something you had promised to teach him when you found out Cazador had never actually made him privy to the entirety of his capabilities as a spawn.

Astarion grins as he watches you once again go flying into the air, doing a backflip before straightening out, disappearing once again into the water below.

You break the surface and get back onto the shore. You pretend to bow and wave saying “thank you” and “I’ll be here all week.” It’s silly and he’s enjoying every minute of watching you just be yourself.

Astarion knows you aren’t a serious person, not really, but you pretending to bow for an imaginary crowd of adoring fans in a (not) private moment? It feels authentic to your silliness- not just when you and Karlach are joking together.

You are funny, kind, and entirely too cunning- despite what he said three days ago. Your prowess in combat is second to none and you speak a couple different languages- infernal being one of them when he noticed you and Karlach speaking it back and forth like it was also your native tongue.

Elvish is the other one and he only knew that from overhearing what you said to Minthara while he was too busy experiencing shell shock from how quickly you had gotten over to him. Oh and the hit to the head didn’t help either.

Astarion’s thoughts are interrupted when you make eye contact with him and freeze.

You look down at your semi-exposed figure and then up at him.

Astarion flashes you a flirtatious grin and sweeps his eyes up and down your body as you look at him. You are a work of art and the blush that creeps up your neck is an added bonus.

The scars on your body are numerous and varying in degrees of severity. It doesn’t make you any less attractive to him or revolts him by any means; It makes you more real if anything.

“Well hello there, beautiful,” Astarion says melodically as you walk over, “I was hoping I might run into you here.”

“Oh is that so?” you say and put your hands on your hips, teasing him “and to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Astarion smiles widely at you. He holds up the bottle of wine.

“I was hoping I may be able to drink with my most favorite companion at camp,” he looks at you with a sly grin, “but I didn’t think I’d be getting a show. You are delightfully talented in multiple faucets, Darling.”

You smile shyly at him while adorably scrunching your nose.

As you bend down to grab your shirt, you look at your bottle and scratch the back of your head awkwardly.

“I might need to apologize considering I already started without you.”

Not telling me to piss off so that’s an optimistic start.

“Hm,” Astarion hums, cracking open his bottle and taking a drink, “I’ll allow it this once. I suppose I do owe you for my… words the other day.”

“I’ll forgive you,” you say with a mischievous grin, “but for a price.”

“Oh?” Astarion purrs, “and what is your price, my dear.”

“I demand at least half of your spoils in loot.” you say with flourish and over exaggeration- you aren’t even remotely serious.

“No, no, no, “he emphasizes, his finger waving around in the air, “Never. Going. To. Happen.”

“Ugh fine, I guess I’ll just have to accept that you saved my life earlier.”

“I still think you are ahead on that front, but who’s counting really?”

“Definitely not me,” you say and cough a number under your breath.

Astarion playfully glares at you and you giggle in response.

You close the gap between the two of you and gently grab his hand, pulling him to sit down next to you at the edge of the water. Astarion pushes down the giddy feeling that arises- hoping you didn’t notice he flinched when you first went to grab his hand.

You look at Astarion and then your clasped hands- you definitely noticed.

You begin to pull away and he feels his body protest, grabbing your hand back and interlocking them again. Astarion drinks out of his wine, refusing to look at you- this is entirely too intimate. Entirely too much like the lovers he used to hate and envy in Baldur’s Gate, but he can’t bring himself to let go or stop the slight smile that creeps on his lips.

You drink out of your bottle of wine and put your feet in the water. Astarion glances at you and notes the growing grin. He feels a twinge of guilt when he thinks about his plan and how fragile your heart probably is. Astarion pushes it away. Astarion needs his plan to work and so far, it’s working.

The space between the two of you is silent- nothing but the ocean waves roaring in his ears. It’s not uncomfortable, but Astarion doesn’t necessarily know where to start. He wants to begin the process of seducing you, but he’s also unsure of how well that would play out- considering what he’s seen thus far in your memories.

“My dad taught me how to cliff dive,” you say in a melancholic voice, interrupting his thoughts “we would go all the time over the Summer when we lived outside of Daggerford.”

“I was wondering how you had managed to pull off such an impressive feat.”

You guffaw at him and then pout with a glint of humor in your eye. He rolls his eyes at you.

“Fine Darling,” he muses, “I suppose you are rather impressive in all facets.”

Your face is practically burning with his compliment. Astarion has decided he will leave out the bait and let you take it. If you give him any signal or specifically say “I want to have sex” then Astarion will pleasure you and you will see how useful he can be in return for all of your gifts- your blood, your protection.

Your company.

Whatever feelings Astarion felt over the last three days- he never wants to feel again. You have been the one and only person to be kind to him, protect him in 200 years. You treat him with respect and like a friend- not the monster he absolutely is and that you should hate him for being. It had been a very lonely three days without your company-besides, no one else is nearly as fun to converse with. Astarion hears the whisper of a previous conversation in the back of his mind.

“So what does boar taste like?”

“I don’t really have much of a reference, but better than rats and flies,” he scowled.

“Gods, how filthy was that palace?” you murmured under your breath.

Your comment had caught him off guard and he couldn’t help but bark out laughing. You had felt horrible for it- you thought he wouldn’t be able to hear you. In your defense, you had spoken very quietly. Astarion assured you that he found your observation quite peculiar and hilarious.

Astarion likes that you point out the small things and allow him to decide how much of the larger things he wants to tell you. You never push him and Astarion isn’t used to it, but he knows he never wants it to go away- to be treated any other way ever again.

“What else did your father teach you?” Astarion asks softly.

You smile, “My father followed Ilmater. He was a ranger. He dedicated his life to helping others.”

A daughter of Ilmater worshippers turned into a half-dead creature who is forced to kill by an evil vampire, Astarion thinks, I guess even the Gods have a sense of humor.

“What happened to him?”

The pause is pregnant and loud. Astarion notices the single tear that manages to escape your eyes. You clear your throat.

“He’s dead,” you whisper, “a group of Ravagers destroyed our village. They didn’t like that it was a mix of humans and Drows escaping from Lolth- and they especially hated us ‘filthy half breeds’. Made the women and the children watch as they beheaded their fathers and husbands.”

Astarion doesn’t know what to say to something that horrific. He just merely looks at you- waiting for you to continue speaking.

“He just kept telling my mom and I how much he loved us. How he’d always be protecting us,” you manage to choke out, “I can’t even tell you how many times I have prayed to Ilmater for help- only to be reminded how alone I am and that, despite being the God of Compassion, Ilmater doesn’t care.”

Astarion knows that feeling all too intimately, but he wants to hear more.

“How old were you? What happened to you and your mother?”

You are looking at him wearily now, so he gives your hand a squeeze.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to Darling.”

“I want to, I’ve just never talked about it before.”

“Well then,” he states in a flattered tone, “I’m honored to potentially be the first and only keeper of your deep, dark secrets.”

You laugh breathily while you roll your eyes at him. The smile on your face is replaced by an unreadable expression. You take a deep breath before you turn your gaze back to the ocean.

“I was 5. They sold us to a mine outside of Westgate. It was run by a group of fanatics that I can’t even remember the name of anymore,” you shake your head in disgust, “all I knew was that they were terrible people. They threatened us children to get our mothers to do anything they wanted. One of them raped my mother and ‘blessed’ her with a child.”

Astarion squeezes your hand as he feels you tense. You look at him with your teary, angry eyes and the intensity of your emotions- your grief- are written into every crack and crevice of your face. Astarion notes that you look uncomfortable, but he gives you a soft smile, encouraging you to continue. You take a big swig of your wine- he shortly follows.

“I don’t know what happened, but the baby… didn’t make it and mom developed a blood illness. It was the week before she had planned on breaking us out. I didn’t know she was dying- she told me she was going to be okay. I should have known- She gave me everything for the escape and had explained the plan to me so many times in that week she was dying that I can still recite it to this day.”

You chuckle to yourself before pulling your knees up to your chest.

“I asked them if I could have a funeral for her. They took me outside and made me watch while the pigs ate her. They told me that’s the only funeral a Drow deserves.”

“What a bunch of racist assholes,” he states.

“Oh, they were only the biggest.”

“You escaped a prison by yourself then or?”

“I did. I was 9 years old and probably one of the only people who has ever escaped that mine. I haven’t seen anyone from my village since. I went back to Daggerford one time and it was still decimated- no one ever came back to rebuild it.”

You both sit in the heavy silence. Your thumb begins to absentmindedly rub circles along his thumb- the gesture is simple, but it’s probably the softest touch he’s felt in the last 200 years that was not filled with the anticipation of sex.

“I’ve only ever had one failed escape,” you sigh harshly, “I was going to run away with Tessa because I didn’t want to go through the ceremony to be a Deathbringer, but Dahlia didn’t care what I wanted. She was too busy trying to win Obarhk’s favor.”

“How did you end up with Dahlia then? If you didn’t want to be a Deathbringer?”

You scoff and he sees the resentment behind your eyes.

“I was 13 and had been living on the streets for a while by then. I had my little tent and I had managed to convince one of the local inns to let me clean the rooms,” you scrunched up your nose, “it was gross, but decent work and they fed me once a day; let me use the baths. Sometimes they even gave me extra food and if it was cold out, they’d let me stay in a room if there was one available. I didn’t have to steal food anymore which was nice. I was actually very happy. I was saving my money so I could travel to the Underdark and hire a sword to go with me- to my grandparents- like my mom had told me to do.

“Then one day, a few of the other local boys, also urchins, had watched as I was given a decent amount of gold and a burlap sack of food. They followed me to my tent. I had offered to share and to give them some gold to help, but they didn’t want just some of it- they wanted all of it and all of me too. I thought I was going to die- the fight was brutal and they were so much bigger than I was, but I wasn’t as easy to take down as they had thought.

“Right as they had slammed my head into the pavement, right when I thought it was over- an Ilmater Priestess had appeared out of no where. She had killed them all. She came up to me, was kind to me, promised she would protect me, give me a home, teach me how to be stronger than anything else in the dark while she helps me travel to the Underdark. I was thrilled. I thought Ilmater had finally heard all my prayers. Then she took me outside of the city- I thought we were maybe going to a temple. I was so naive and stupid.”

Your voice breaks and you struggle to compose yourself- taking a shaking breath.

“She changed- the kind Ilmater priestess I had just been following to safety ended up being the Queen of Venom and a Sharran priestess nonetheless,” you spit out with disgust, “Dahlia stripped me of my clothes- she beat me, cut into my skin, threw me around. Dahlia kept telling me how ugly, wretched, small, and weak I was for hours- how she would be the only person to ever love me from now on. Then she chained me down to the floor, unmoving for I don’t even know how long in the dark. I just know when she finally came back, I was on the brink of death. She starved me and refused to give me water until I stopped asking her to leave. I stopped, but then I learnt how much worse it could be. I also began to accept that I would probably never be free again.”

“Are you free now?”

“Barely. A bit over a year ago I was assigned to the Faceless himself.”

“What changed?”

“I won the Deathbringer Tournament and Lady Thistle Thalaver, the fucking consort of all people, said that she wanted me to be assigned as her personal Deathbringer. Thistle made the point that we are close in age and it would make her happy to have someone she can talk to and protect her. News flash- I was more horrified by that than Dahlia. How the fuck does someone who is a literal husk of a person become the prize comfort pet of the Consort that is the reason you were even kidnapped to begin with,” you say, throwing your hands up in frustration, “Dahlia hated her. She was envious of her already and boy, when Thistle asked for me? I thought Dahlia might kill me and Thistle right there if Obarhk hadn’t stepped in.”

“She sounds like a sore loser.”

“ Oh she is, this grudge has lasted a little over a century or three supposedly. I can’t ever seem to get the exact date right, but Dahlia had allowed Obarhk to change her and became one of his Nightmasters because she had hoped to be his Queen and consort,” you shake your head, “it was childish- supposedly. Obarhk was going to go through with it initially, but then Thistle’s father had extensive debts to the guild and offered his only daughter as payment.”

“What a shitty father.”

“Oh the shittiest,” you agree pointedly.

“If she wanted you to help her gain his favor, why did she hide you away?”

“There are rules within the Guild for how recruits are to be treated. Obarhk plays with his cards very close to his chest and he has an absurd amount of political pull. He doesn’t want word getting out that the Nightmasks beat their assassin’s and thieves, but not their Deathbringers- it’s bad for recruitment. Guess they used to do that and damn near went extinct, not everyone is into becoming half-vampire” you shrug, “Dahlia had ‘presented’ me to gain Obarhk’s favor- not his consort’s. She lied and said I sought her out days ago, begging to get a chance to become a Deathbringer. When I was asked if it was true, I said yes, the alternative was whatever hell awaited me later. At least if I didn’t survive the ceremony, I would be laid to rest.

“Except Thistle won. Obarhk may not be particularly loving towards Thistle, but he won’t deny her what she wants if it’s reasonable. I was still under Dahlia, but now if I disappeared for days on end or came back beaten, it was noticed. A year ago, Lucia and Ghost found me bleeding out in a street with Dahlia over me- it was the first time she had done serious harm to me since the ceremony and the first time she was caught,” he watches you smile despite yourself, “Thistle wanted her to be tortured for what she had done- for creating the infamous ‘Hollow Deathbringer’ as I was called when I first started, but Obarhk doesn’t interfere with religious affairs and Dahlia claimed it was for her Sharran worship. So the solution was that I would report directly to him, Phultan, Lucia, and Lady Thalaver only. If Dahlia attempts to hurt me again, I am allowed to end her life and if I attempt to attack Dahlia, she is allowed to end my life. She isn’t allowed to send her assassin’s after me either or there will be consequences. That’s the same day I found out Dahlia had been lying to me- she is Obarhk’s spawn, not a Master Vampire. She never would have been able to get away with half of her threats if I had known, but I’m sure that’s partly why she isolated me from the Guild until I was old enough and skilled enough to compete.

“We’ve been in a very strange stalemate over the last year. Unable to find each other, but I don’t even know if I could kill her anyway. At least, not by myself.”

It was a lot to take in at one time. Your entire world is so heavily influenced by vampiric beings- no wonder you were so nonchalant about him being a spawn and him feeding from you.

Astarion will admit though, he isn’t necessarily thrilled to find out another sociopathic vampire might be hunting them- specifically you.

“Darling, if Dahlia ever darkens your door step ever again,” he leans toward you and speaks his next words with conviction, “I’ll rip her throat out myself.”

You smile at him and squeeze his hand.

“ Thank you Star, but you don’t need to do that. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t listen to hypocrites- Miss ‘I’m going to put Cazador’s head on a pike and we can parade it around the city’”

You gasp, “how dare you! I felt like that would be a fun leisure activity.”

“Oh believe me, it will be very fun,” he says with a malicious grin,” but someone needs to keep you humble, my dear.”

“Oh okay,” you roll your eyes, “because I’m the one who needs humbling here. Thank you for your service kind sir, I will never be able to repay you.”

He can tell that you are done with the previous conversation- he’ll have to thank you for sharing later and ask follow up questions. Astarion has a plan to execute.

“Well of course,” he lifts your clasped hands and kisses the back of yours, “ I live to be a hero for the common folk.”

“You’re lucky you’re a beautiful bastard.”

“Why thank you, my Dear. I am rather beautiful, aren’t I?”

You turn, facing him now and you move closer- giving him a light shove. One of your eyebrows is lifted in amusement- a lopsided grin on your face. This is most definitely the moment he has been waiting for.

He leans in, your faces near inches apart and he savors how your heart begins to race.

“I must admit, I was lying to you before,” he muses, “I maybe would like to do a little more than just drink wine with you tonight.”

“Y-you do?”

Astarion smiles at the way your breath hitches.

“Well of course, I believe you may be one of the most bewitching individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting,” he says while gently brushing your hair behind your ears, “but only if that would be okay with you.”

You look at him- there is lust in your eyes and you worry your bottom lip with your teeth. One of your canines graze your lip and a bit of your blood begins to paint your lips- Astarion fights the urge to smash his lips to yours. You search his face for deception.

“I want to. Very badly,” you pause, “but I need to be open with you. I’ve only ever been with one man before and it wasn’t my choice. That was over 10 years ago. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go completely through with it or give you some wildly fun time… it would probably be vanilla at best even if I can get through it…”

You trail off and look at the ground, gently pushing his hand away from your face. Astarion frowns.

“If you want someone who you can actually have fun with, it might be better to go find Alfira again,” you whisper woefully, “I would absolutely understand. No harm, no foul.”

Astarion’s heart breaks for you. He gently guides your eyes back to his. You look sad and dejected -like you are ready for him to get up and walk away. You are expecting him to confirm what Dahlia has always told you- that you are an ugly, wretched, little thing. Unloveable at best and absolutely unforgivably intolerable at your worst. Astarion has slept with plenty of virgins before- he knows how to say all the right honeyed words to get them to bed, but this is entirely different. This is you and your first, consensual time with a man if you choose. If you don’t, then he won’t press the matter, but leave his door wide open. Astarion is not Cazador or Dahlia- he is not going to force you.

“I don’t care about any of that Darling,” Astarion assures you quietly, “I want you, not Alfira. We only have to go as far as you are comfortable with- if you want to.”

Your eyes are wide and searching for any hint of insincerity.

“We could even try multiple times if needed,” he says jokingly, but he knows that you can tell he’s serious.

You beam at him and your posture straightens up- a new found confidence in your eyes.

“Okay,” you finally say, “I trust you. I want to try.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You would be lying if you weren’t feeling slightly anxious. The last person you had been with was Tessa and she’d been in the ground a little over 8 years now. The two of you had made a lot of groundwork in your last year together before she died. You had attempted to be with others before, but it never felt right so you could never go through with it.

This feels right. You just aren’t sure what your reaction will be, but you want him and Astarion wants you. You trust that he won’t hurt you.

Astarion pulls you up off of the sandy floor and gives you a smile, “I promise you, you do not want to try this in sand. I happen to know a very nice spot, but we are going to have to make a brief stop first.”

You smile enthusiastically and allow him to take your hand in his as he leads you back to camp.

The walk is a blur, you barely notice that Astarion had grabbed a blanket, taken you quite far from camp, and without warning, Astarion pulls you in for a breathtaking kiss.

You have to fight the urge to collapse completely into him, your arms snaking around his neck as you kiss him back. The kiss is slow, melodic and soft. Astarion’s strong arms hold you close to his chest as he picks you up before laying you down on the blanket.

You help him discard your clothes and your wet under garments. Astarion quickly discards his shirt and pants before he returns to kissing you sweetly, softly. You let your hands glide up his torso to his shoulders and let your hands fan out as you try to memorize every inch of his body. He groans with approval at the touch and when you go to touch his back- you find if you go a little too far over where there is raised skin, he tenses up.

You stop and look up at him- he doesn’t seem like he is all there.

“Star, are you okay? Are you sure you want this?”

Whatever trance he is in, he seems to snap out of and he kisses you sweetly before placing his forehead against yours.

“I assure you that I want this, that area is just… it has some sensitive spots.”

“Okay,” you whisper, “I’ll be mindful of that and try to avoid them. Is it mostly in the middle of your back?”

Astarion stares down at you and for a moment, you think he might start crying. Astarion’s face looks so raw and appreciative in that moment- as if you are the first and only person to ever take the time to listen. Maybe you are. Maybe this is just as much of a fear of his as it is for you.

“It is,” he says huskily,” I- thank you.”

You beam up at him and gently cup the left side of his face with your hand. He leans into the touch and you stroke his cheek bone with his thumb.

“Of course Astarion, I want you to feel safe too.”

Astarion kisses you with a neediness that wasn’t there before. The kisses are still soft and innocent, but a bit more urgent as his hands begin to slowly roam your body. Everywhere he touches leaves you feeling like you are on fire and you find that you never want it to stop. You are intoxicated and so wrapped up in his cologne, his lips- everything. Him.

Astarion’s lips leave yours and you breathlessly look at him. He smiles down at you and slowly moves his hands up to your breasts.

“May I?”

You shyly nod in approval. Astarion slowly begins to pinch and tease your sensitive buds with his fingers- you arch your back and cover your mouth as you whimper needily at the touch. It’s embarrassing how touch starved you are. Astarion pulls your hand away from your mouth and he stares at you through hooded eyes.

“None of that, my Dear,” he commands, “I want to hear every little sound you make.”

You blush and then are quickly squirming underneath him again as he gently takes one of your nipples between his mouth, sucking, licking, and teasing it while he rolls the other between his thumb and forefinger.

You are a complete mosning mess underneath him by the time Astarion’s fingers move from your breast to your throbbing clit- earning a loud, despairing whimper from you. You need so much more- you can feel your own slick coating the inside of your thighs, weeping in anticipation.

“My, you are a very needy lover,” he chastises you as he slides a finger in,” Gods you are so wet for me already. If I had known you wanted me this badly, I would have said something a long time ago.”

“Astarion-“ you gasp as he enters another digit inside you, causing you to arch your back keening as he teases your G-spot. His other finger continues to play with your now very swollen clit and with every moan you make, he praises you. The praise alone is enough to send you over the edge.

“You are being such a good girl for me,” as he enters another finger inside.

His mouth hovers over your clit, “I’m absolutely certain the Gods sent you to ruin me.”

“You taste like the heavens,” after his tongue has been flicking inside of you in tandem with his fingers.

You come undone underneath him- your hands have made purchase in his hair, and struggle to be as gentle as possible. He groans as you gently tug him up to your mouth, kissing him, tasting yourself on his swollen lips.

“Do you want to continue Darling?” Astarion whispers as he kisses up your neck, along your jaw, and slowly nips at your earlobe.

You need him inside you and you want him to be as close to you as possible. It’s like a Dam had broken open inside you and you never want it to stop flooding.

“Fuck- Astarion,” you pant, “please continue.”

Astarion kicks of his undergarments and dips his fingers between your folds and coats his cock with your orgasm. You are speechless as you watch him slowly stroke himself, looking at you.

Astarion puts himself in between your legs and you feel him tease your entrance.

“Before I start,” he says, “you need to tell me if it’s too much and if we need to stop. You will not offend me nor hurt my feelings. We can try again another time if you want.”

“The same goes to you.”

There was that look again. Astarion grabs your bottom lip between his teeth, the neediness has certainly grown since the last statement.

You feel him begin to guide himself inside you, slowly moving until he’s bottoming out- curse words and your name leaving his lips like a prayer. You feel the tears prick your eyes at the pinching and pressure as you adjust to his size. He slowly rocks himself in and out, barely making any movement, but enough to stimulate you more.

“Are you okay?” He says with alarm, wiping your tears.

“Yes- I promise,” you say between panting whimpers, you press your ankles into his lower back to keep him there. It’s beginning to feel better and you open up through the tadpole to show him you mean it. The thoughts were probably far hornier than you meant to show him and he smirks at you.

“Cheeky pup.”

Astarion begins to make his thrusts longer as your moans became louder and more euphoric sounding. You kiss him with fervor as he pumps in and out of you, keeping a slow pace.

“You can speed up now,” you whisper between kisses, “you feel really fucking good inside of me Star.”

Astarion moans against your mouth, the kiss becoming sloppy as he teases your bottom lip between his, pulling slightly. You feel his hips begin to snap slightly harder against yours and you cry out as he begins to hit that perfect spot faster and slightly harder.

“You are so beautiful,” he says while grazing the sensitive skin on your neck, “and you feel so fucking good around my cock.

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to stand any of our other companions looking at you sideways ever again.”

“Then give them a reason not to.”

That seemed to be enough for Astarion as he immediately goes to work leaving hickeys along your neck, your shoulders. You will have to ask him how he’s able to do it so gently.

Astarion’s thrusts inside you are getting sloppier and you have your hands dug in the earth as he slightly lifts you off the ground to get more leverage. You moan his name in between curse words and whimpers as another powerful orgasm rips through your body. You feel him stutter as you tighten around him and finish inside of you. Astarion’s pace moves to a slow rhythm before coming to a halt.

Vampire and half-vampire perks- the whole kid thing? Basically not even remotely possible.

Astarion lays gently on top of you, kissing your neck lazily.

“How was that, Darling?” Astarion asks as he looks into your eyes with concern and worry.

You gently grab his face with your hands and leave a chaste kiss on his lips.

“It was absolutely perfect,” you say, your brain foggy and swimming in the throes of bliss and your deep fondness of the man above you, “you are absolutely perfect.”

************************************

You had fallen asleep quite some time ago in Astarion’s arms. The concept of what happens after sex (normally) was quite foreign to him. Usually he was dragging people to their death after sex, but now he gets to sit and enjoy you- have you all to himself. After it had all been said and done, you had curled into one another, practically nose to nose and just talked. You caught up with each other about what the other missed over the last three days, picked the next ideal type of book to read, and how disasterous the Crèche is likely going to be considering Shadowheart is insisting on going. Lae’zel is positively miffed about it. You laugh and he asks about Minthara. You tell him about the vision she showed you, but he could tell you were holding something back. You don’t push him- he won’t push you.

You tell him about your mother- a former Lolth sorceress who didn’t align with the Spider Queen’s ideals. She was shunned by her parents when she denounced Lolth and she moved to the surface- meeting your dad. Your mother was practical and pragmatic- calculating and protective. Your father, on the other hand, was like a warm breeze on a perfect sunny day.

Astarion tells you about what little he remembers of his life as a Magistrate and his parents. You both ponder what they could possibly be doing in the world right then- pretending there is a possibility that you could find them together when this was all over- even just so he can know.

Astarion’s head is swimming with confusion. It was all very different than when Astarion had gone out hunting for Cazador.

You and him had spent at least a two and a half weeks getting to know each other extensively, spent quality time together over mutual hobbies, and you’ve even seemed to meld together as a fighting duo. You are friends- Astarion expected it to be maybe slightly different, more enjoyable than usual.

Astarion was quickly proven wrong.

This was eons different. Despite the feelings of it being tainted to some degree due to his past, it had been jaw dropping, sweet, simple, and, dare he even say it, intimate. Astarion finds that he actually craves more of you this way, but he also still wants you the way you had each other before. The shame and self-loathing are choking him. There is no way you’ll see him as something other than sex now.

Right?

Astarion honestly isn’t sure and that terrifies him. You were so kind to him tonight while you were in his arms. You respected his boundaries; you avoided that part of his body even though he didn’t tell you not to; you wanted him to feel safe with you too. You took the time to talk to him and play with his hair while he spoke about his parents, becoming a bit emotional.

Vanilla is hardly the word to describe what just happened between the two of you- it was wonderful and frightening. Astarion questions if it’s selfish to want more, to abandon his plan all together.

Astarion stares down at your sleeping face as your limbs are tangled with his. He wants to stay, but he wants to run away from you too. Except Astarion needs your protection- that’s what this was all for, wasn’t it?

That’s what compels him to leave soft kisses on your forehead and to hold you a little tighter- it’s why tears fall from Astarion’s cheeks onto the blanket beneath you when he thinks about the day you’ll end up letting him go.

[fandoomrants]

Okay, so I'm fully into my HP obsession again (honestly, I don't care what anyone says or how much the world tries to cancel this fandom. This is my childhood, it's a part of me that's always there and I eventually go back to between the other things) and therefore, the Marauders era's obsession.

And like, I've always loved them for some reason. Honestly, when I found fandoms and stuff and saw they're actually almost a fandom on it's own, I was so happy and relieved that I'm not the only one. (I realised at one point that I love HP yet I've never read a fic that's not about them from this fandom...)

But I've been thinking about some things and also came across some random videos summarizing what we know about them (because there are so many hcs that most people accept as common that it's easy to forget the real facts) and now I have so many thoughts I need to share because they haunt me.

-They were like... Big jerks. Especially James and Sirius. Mostly them, tbh. Like, not only because we see them from Snape's perspective in memories and he hates them but because, well, they were mean. Especially Sirius (he's my absolutely favourite character but still), he's done pretty shitty things. I think James mostly had beef with Snape but they were overall kinda bullies.

-Even though I love Wolfstar just as much as 90% of this fandom (I mean the Marauders era), I think they're a famous ship just because we get to see interactions between them while alive and not just flashbacks but I don't think they were really close back in the days. James and Sirius were the ones extremely close and maybe if we had seen extended Marauders' interactions or they were eventually all alive, then most likely Wolfstar wouldn't have been that popular.

-I'm 99% sure that the great friendship between Lily and Remus is completely fan-made. I believe Remus was the most reasonable (but nobody can convince me he wasn't the mastermind behind 99% of their pranks at the same time) and wasn't into being mean with anyone so it's possible that they were interacting on much better terms than her and James (I mean, until they got together) but I don't think they could have ever been called friends.

-In fact, canonly, Sirius was taller than Remus. (What a shock, right?)

-Lots of people say stuff like "Who was the fifth guy in their dorm?" and there are many theories about it but do we even have a proof that the four of them were in the same dorm at all? Nope.

-Now that's my personal opinion but... I absolutely believe they were really good friends and while at school at least, nobody was left out intentionally but... Maybe Peter betrays them in the end because of some build up stuff throughout the years. We know James and Sirius meet on Hogwarts Express and immediately become best friends. We don't know when Remus and Peter join exactly but it must have been shortly after, I think Peter is pretty much the last who joins. Seeing how some of the people are very good friends, it's a bit hard to truly feel a part of a friend group and might make you feel a bit left out at times (but that's basically a rule in every friend group, tbh. There are the two best friends and well... the other, still close friends).There's also the fact that Peter canonly wears the Sorting hat for over five minutes so here you have another episode of feeling kind of left out. Then later they learn about Remus and they all decide to support him and even learn how to transform and Peter is the last to learn how to do it too. Then even later, James and his family take Sirius in. What I'm trying to say is, we have no canon information of any of them doing anything for Peter and I'm not saying that they weren't good friends, it's just that he was exposed to them doing stuff for each other, and like, really big stuff too (granted, it was really all about helping a friend in a big need) but he was never the center of it + some occasions that might have left him feel kind of uncertain and uneasy about himself like not being sorted for a longer time or needing help to transform. And the result might be feeling emotionally distant from the group and with desire to prove himself worthy of something. So, that's maybe why he finally turns to Voldemort.

-They canonly don't trust Remus much by the end and even suspect he might be Voldemort's spy.

-There is a big chance that Harry and Remus really meet when Harry is 13, meaning that he never saw him as a baby.

-Speaking of feeling left out earlier... I think Remus might have also felt so more often than not. I think they were all into innocent pranks but he wasn't into actively being a jerk, especially considering that he was someone who would have gotten lots of hate if people knew about the werewolf thing. The stupid prank in 5th year must have been a real punch in the gut too. The fact that he gets to stop interacting with them and they even start mistrusting him. Lots of things, really. AND HE STILL NEVER BETRAYED THEM, WAS NEVER A JERK TO ANY OF THEM, AND GOT TO LIVE FOR 12 YEARS BELIEVING THAT ONE OF HIS BEST FRIENDS KILLED THE OTHER TWO!!!

Okay. I made myself enough sad for one evening. Might add more to this.

[mmani-e]

hinazumi?

It's got my thumbs up! I have a unique view of this ship, where I believe Hajime and Mahiru are destined for eachother when Chiaki goes. Hajime is... kind of the only one among the guys that fits Mahiru's expectations as a reliable guy, also she is an UNREPENTANT tsundere who is in love with him. Calling him unreliable Hajime in Ch1 is so transparently "I really like this guy but I must deflect by pretending to hate him" energy...

However... she's got stiff competition. Hajime fell in love with Chiaki TWICE bro. There's no world where Chiaki is alive that Hajime gets with Mahiru... except for polyamory, but I don't really know how to imagine that perspective in any manner that I believe would be knowledgeable enough to be considered respectful right now.

Also, I like to imagine their time in highschool to be extra spicy if Chiaki and Hajime are hopelessly in love while she is too, with Hajime. And as for future developments of character, I believe Mahiru would travel the world and meet new people as a photographer, valuing her time with her friends in highschool but ultimately finding her meaning in openness and understanding others around the world, she's not really a character that needs a partner in my mind like I believe Kaz and Hiyoko kinda do.

Anyway thanks for the ask and giving me the opportunity to yap. To me Hinazumi is a 10/10 ship, overshadowed by Chiaki x Hajime being an 11/10 ship, and if Chiaki didn't exist hell Mahiru x Hajime WOULD be the main ship and Mahiru would 100% be his partner in any other game. The character development would go CRAZY.

[alonelystargazer]

For the 'send me a fandom' post, Kagurabachi!!

Yay Kagurabachi my new favorite series! Well, not so new to me because I've been following it since March. It still might be too early to tell with some of these, but it will be fun to look back on this post in the future and see if anything has changed!

The first character I first fell in love with: 

I think it was Shiba. I really like mentor characters, he's devoted to keeping the Rokuhira legacy alive and untainted, and he has a mysterious past that I want to know more about. I NEED to know what it was like for him during the war! I just know he did some bad shit, but I wanna see it anyway. And I also wanna see more of his sorcery and fighting prowess on screen. Also, let's not forget that he's hot as hell! The rolled up sleeves and the slutty exposed ankle and the loose strand of hair! 🔥🔥🔥

I'm putting the rest under a read more because this is also a really long post.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: 

It feels wrong of me to say that I didn't like the main character Chihiro, but that's what it was like for me at first. I think I got a bad first impression of him as this cold edgy guy who just slices people up for fun from dudebros on twt, but he's really not like that. He isn't built for this lifestyle of taking revenge and murdering people. He only kept that cold facade because it's the only way he could keep his mission going, otherwise he would crumble. He's really kind and understanding on the inside and that bleeds through his exterior. We've seen how he acts towards Char and Mr. Inazuma, they're kids but he doesn't belittle them and he's protective of them. And he has an immense amount of trust in him, and he's supportive and is a source of inspiration for him, and in fact sees him as his equal (or even more) because of how much Hakuri has grown. There's more I could say, but this is already too long.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: 

I think this mostly applies to JP fans, but I really despise Soya. Most Western fans hate Soya for being the worst older brother with a sick and twisted history of torturing Hakuri, but for that reason, he has the same appeal to JP fans as Naoya from JJK has, and I find that really weird.

The character I love that everyone else hates: 

Hmm, I don't think there's any character that applies. Most characters in KB seemed to be well-liked in some way.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

I also don't think there's any character that applies. My love for a character only continues to grow over time, unless we get something that shows them in a negative way.

The character I would totally smooch: 

SHIBA!!

Also the unnamed Hishaku leader known by the fandom as John Hishaku. And Kunishige. Also Hiyuki. And Tafuku. And Azami. Good lord there's a lot of hot people in KB.

don't look at me but Kyora too sorry I like dilfs

The character I’d want to be like: 

I think maybe a mix of Hiyuki and Hakuri. Hiyuki, for the fact that she knows that loyalties are flimsy and she can also see different perspectives. And Hakuri, because he had such low confidence in himself, thinking he's useless and hating himself for it, when he found people who believed in him and showed him kindness, he grew more confident and had the courage to fight against his abusers (who happen to be his own fucking family).

The character I’d slap: 

SOYA I HATE HIS ASS! But also Sojo, not because I hate him, but I just wanna see what his reaction would be lol.

A pairing that I love:

I'm a firm Hakuri/Chihiro fan. I think I've said this before, but they have such an immense level of trust in each other and that whole "we'll take down the Rakuzaichi together" thing is just peak yaoi.

But I also like any combination of Kunishige/Shiba/Azami, and Hiyuki/Tafuku.

A pairing that I despise: 

Soya/Hakuri because they're brothers and Soya is an abusive piece of shit. Also, Shiba/Chihiro because even though they aren't related and they're both adults, just the thought that Shiba most likely knew Chihiro from when he was a baby and watched him grow up is enough to deter me from this ship. But these are ships I've mostly seen from the JP fandom.

Also, I don't hate Chihiro/Hinao but I just find it funny that this ship still has shooters because it really has no legs to stand on. Even Chihiro/Hiyuki makes more sense as a het ship, if that's what you're looking for.

Well, there you go! Apparently, I have a lot say, sorry! And since there's only 44 chapters at the point of me writing this, my opinions could change, but for now, this is where I stand with Kagurabachi.

[distortedclouds]

Can you really explain in detail what black water Annie’s dad has against Armin is he just “nobody can love my daughter more than me” and controlling cause hes a narcissist or is there another reason? Cause we know the hate is obviously mutual between armin and annies dad but Armin is a good guy for annie, he’s literally a commander why wouldn’t he be happy knowing he treated her horribly?? Sorry for it being so long but i had been thinking about this for a while

Well sorry this took FOREVER for me to answer, anon, but here I am! (promise im not dead)

I think one of the hardest characters to write in BW was Mr. Leonhart. because it's so easy to make him a two-dimensional villain with very little nuance. So it does help to try and see things from his perspective a little bit, even if we're ignoring the selfish/self-centered accusations made by me numerous time. 10 years ago, him and Annie made a promise that it's them against the world, that neither him nor Annie need anyone else to rely on as long as they have each other. This is when he said that she can make the whole world her enemy but he'd still be on her side and that's all that matters

By the end of the series, you can see Mr Leonhart kept good on his "promise" he seems to still be only focused on her returning, keeping to himself because that's what he told Annie to do. But now she's back, and she hadn't kept her "promise" of it just being the two of them, she now has friends she can rely on, people she trusts and loves and who love her back

I think there is a sense of betrayal on his end, but I don't see him turning against Annie after 10 whole years of waiting for her and believing she's alive. Instead, it's much more realistic of him going the route of "it's other people" who are taking her away from me so that starts causing some resentment even towards Annie herself

I've also pointed out before that I don't believe he actually knows Annie as a person. He never got to know her before he "changed his ways" so it's really hard for him to comprehend why other people may like her, especially since his own "paternal feelings" are primarily guided by guilt, rather than something more inherently positive. So, of course, anyone who's trying to get close to Annie, must have some nefarious reasoning and ill-intent towards her, so he must protect her now, unlike when he "failed" from protecting her from Marley

Armin is the target of his hatred because he is successfully taking Annie away from him, because hero of the final battle, commander in the army, and an ambassador important worldwide, surely he doesn't have an interest in a "damaged" girl beyond the fact that she's easier to take advantage of

Also, while not a part of BW, I can totally imagine his passive aggressiveness towards anyone (but especially Armin) trying to take Annie away from him if he found out that it was Armin and her friends who put her there in the first place would turn into hostility

This is all my trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the characterization I apply the most to Mr Loenhart is the one I have pinned on my blog of him focusing on his own redemption and making up for his mistakes, with being Annie's father till his last day as the only way he could do it and anyone taking Annie from him is dooming him into irredeemably. Though that's more subconscious

[kittyandco-archive]

am i the only one who's literally never in my life seen someone go: "[evil character] didn't ACTUALLY(!) do the things that made them evil in the narrative (and therefore it isn't fair that everyone distrusts them)" in a non-joking way... and then chide the idea of this character improving. i'm beginning to think y'all are making things up because 1) you don't like the idea that the character can change, and you think that having the opportunity/ability to change, whether in fanon or canon, means that they're magically absolved of everything (but also let me tell you something: no one is going to want to change if no one is willing to at least understand them, if not forgive them, even if full forgiveness never comes)... in the narrative, you will see the change a character goes through in a very limited sense. there's only but so much screen time that can be dedicated to it, even if the character is from a super long series, because there are other things going on around it. there's going to be shorthand and metaphor and a few decisions they might not have made before, but that aren't fully "explained."

there's a lot of work they'll have to do after the story officially ends or before it even begins in some cases. you have to fill in the blanks with your imagination/theories/other thoughts. that's how you engage with fiction if you're at all invested. overexplaining and overcorrecting for everything that is unspoken/implied/must be inferred is how you get a very boring work.

often, what is presented in canon is ONE decision or a few MAJOR decisions that signal change. no one is expecting the other characters to be like "i automatically forgive you for every single infraction committed against us! yay!" ... personal change is a process of self-discovery and learning how to maneuver the world differently over time. learning that some of your preconceived notions might be wrong, and that there are an infinite number of ways to perceive the world overall and everything in it. and a lot of that may have been done before the character's change arc begins; and it is most definitely happening in the background.

and it would do some good if someone was willing to stick around to see the change happen and how someone who was previously thought to be the worst guy alive can actually use their abilities/personality for good (and often villains are made from loneliness; it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, isn't it?)

again, it's all about reading/watching between the lines. what brought them here? it isn't always going to be spelled out

not every villain needs to change... but the ones that do, or that have the very potential? that's important for a lot of people (like myself) to see! and if we want to fantasize about it or write about it or hope for it, why does that offend you?

or, 2) you don't like how someone else characterizes them for a ship/AU/whatever reason they might have. it's actually fine if someone want to just write about this character not being evil anymore. that's their prerogative. the only issue you'd run into there is if someone's trying to dictate that perspective as fully factual in some way (it's important to set those parameters early in the convo). personal interpretation is an individual thing. there are SO many ways to interpret a piece of fiction and it's okay if every once in a while someone's like "i like this evil character but i like writing about them being good." it doesn't take anything away from you, the way you write or perceive the character, or their canon portrayal.

this example in particular is so NOTHING compared to what i've seen about my faves. a lot of fans can be downright offensive and hateful about my personal taste in faves, toward ME, AS A REAL PERSON WHO LIKES THEM, and that's when i start having a problem. it's important that my faves be horrid and immoral for personal reasons (and for personal reasons i like writing about them having a soft spot for something, ideally me, and having the motivation to not feel so lonely/hurt/etc. anymore and thus becoming a bit of a better person), but i couldn't care less if someone wrote them in a different way that doesn't affect me at all

[maleficore]

I really don't think I'll ever get to actually writing it this decade because I have just That Many other wips and this story is Long, but my god I keep rolling that RDR2 Modern AU of mine in my head like a pretty pebble and I have Many Thoughts. Looong ramble under the cut.

The general gist of it that it's supposed to be a "happy ending" to a true crime story, but it isn't. Not for a long while, at least. Like imagine watching a 45 minute documentary on a missing person's case, the credits roll and you're like "Wow so happy that they turned up in the end" but on the other side of the country that person has been having the worst fucking time for the past year and would've probably been better off missing.

Let me explain.

Up until May 1999 the story plays out like your run of the mill Modern AU that is kept as close to canon as I can make it. Of course some things are different in the way that comes from throwing everything a 100 years into the future like how Eliza and Isaac died in a car accident, not a home robbery. People have jobs that are different, some backstories needed to be adjusted. Arthur's last name is Matthews and not Morgan, having been adopted by Hosea and Bessie when he was around 8 or so. Him and Mary have actually been married, but it still didn't work out. Small divergences, seemingly inconsequential.

Then on May 18th Arthur Matthews goes missing. Leaves no clues as to what might've caused him to leave and where, had showed no signs anything could be wrong before he disappeared. A proper mystery. Of course it's a big thing for a while, Hosea being a pretty well known crook defence lawyer makes it interesting for the news, but after 6 months of nothing even the nastiest vultures get bored and everyone pretty much assumes Arthur to have died. Especially since he's well known to be a recovering alcoholic with multiple relapses under his belt. Probably fell off the wagon again, tripped into a ditch, hit his head. Dead.

That's when Arthur Morgan shows up.

It's up to the reader to decide if this is some universe warping time travel shenanigans or if he's the same person that went missing, just having an episode of some sorts. To everyone in the story Arthur "I'm telling you, I jumped off a sinking boat in 1899 and then showed up here" Morgan comes off as Mentally Unwell, so it doesn't really matter since it is not told from his perspective anyway and there's no way of really knowing.

(It's John's POV by the way. Forgot to mention that, whoopsie.)

And the entire story is basically a whumpy hate letter to all time travel AUs where Arthur gets yeeted into our times and pretty much shrugs it off with minor discomfort (/lh I don't actually hate those, they're silly fun, but they're not realistic?? And I am a realism nerd). Here, he gets majorly fucked up by it. Because how could he not be? First off, Hosea, who he just watched die maybe days prior, is alive and well. So is Sean and so is Lenny. He may be happy, but all that only makes everything feel even less real, pushes him further into believing that the reality he's in is some sort of a mirage or a dream. People talk about all these things that have not happened to him, there are pictures of a stranger with his face in places he's never been to. It's distressing and Arthur might be a guy that handles pressure well, but I doubt there's a single person on earth that wouldn't break under the weight of that. He's no different.

He keeps getting really distressed whenever that kind of stuff gets brought up too often. Starts having regular panic attacks, gets put on medication, sent to therapy. The "gang" are there to help him through it, but the situation takes a lot out John in particular once he realises that whatever has happened to Arthur seems unlikely to be reversed. Just as much as the person in every single family picture is a stranger to Arthur, this Arthur is a stranger to John. It's like he really died in a way. So the plot is just as much Arthur learning to cope and maybe eventually accepting that all of this is real and he's just "crazy", as John watching him go through it while simultaneously grieving the person he no longer is.

Basically an essay pondering the question "What makes us who we are, our memories or personality?" disguised as a fanfic because I like getting philosophical sometimes lol And I genuinely love it. This AU is my baby and really want to work on it, but it would have to straight up be a novel-length story. I don't have that in me 😭😭