#I hate this format btw

[jinxs-gf]

Black Cat!Reader x The Team Headcanons

Black Cat!Reader x The Team

note: just because you’re in place of Black Cat doesn’t mean this is fem!reader! this is very gender neutral besides the mention of lipstick briefly…even then that’s not lady exclusive :)

content/warnings: this is seemingly set during s1 like my other yj fics but I imagine everyone being way older 😔🙏🏽 it’s weird but just roll with it pretty please. also…a bit suggestive??

word count: 3.6k

a/n: I wouldn’t have done this but this anon gave me the idea and I HAD to expand on it unfortunately

THE TEAM (platonic)

Lots and lots of flirting from reader, OBVIOUSLY. do y’all even KNOW Black Cat????? it would be relentless. and no matter how annoying and probably overwhelming it got, you wouldn’t back down

with even the toughest/hardest to crack team members

it’s not even like you’re attempting to lure them in…or get romantically involved (unless��), it’s just how you are. who can blame you! flirting is fun

you started off as just another “villain of the day.” Someone they could take on easily. They thought of you as a pity mission. An bad guy as small as a simple thief? What fun was that?! They’ve taken down Gods, magicians, robots…and Red Tornado assigned them a thief??? It was a joke.

until it wasn’t. until Batman saw potential in you (because of course he did. Robin was not happy about this.)

You earned the nickname Cat, which was a nickname in itself for Kitty Cat (Wally's idea, not yours, you gave him hell for it)

your first mission with them was definitely something. messy, to say the least

it was weird, the whole mind link thing. you made jokez and flirted through the link as a way of coping because…well you felt out of place

everyone was so close with each other, not to mention they didn’t come from a background of “bad guy shenanigans”

you felt like an outcast for the longest time, until everyone was revealing vulnerable secrets with each other before a mission. you finally spoke your insecurities with your place on the team

you and Artemis had the same worries (more or less) and bonded over that

you finally were able to let loose and just…be yourself around them

you became soft

the flirting and teasing was still there, however it was saved for missions

you preferred to keep Black Cat’s reputation

individual relationships

ROBIN (romantic)

He was very much against the idea of you being on the team. Sure you weren’t a crazy villain that hurt people (maybe not physically…but you were definitely a heartbreaker, Robin concludes)

You were still a thief at the end of the day. A bad person. And he didn’t like that.

It was Batman’s idea—and usually Batman had great ideas. This was a very bad one. He hated every bit of it.

…until he got to know you better

Taking you down was easy. “Easiest job I’ve ever had,” Robin boasts.

You pout, “that’s not very nice.”

Ha. He knocked you down a peg. Good. You needed a little humbling-

“-How come you’re lying to me, Robin? I thought we had something.”

Uh oh. He absolutely hated when you used that sickeningly sweet voice on him.

Of course you didn’t believe his lie. Of course you could tell how difficult that mission really was.

It’s not apart of his proudest moments. He hesitated to stop you on the mission, completely caught off guard by your flirtatious behavior. I mean, who wouldn’t be?!

In a moment of weakness, he let you go. Awestruck by the kiss you left imprinted on his cheek. Something he got teased relentlessly for.

The rest of the team finished the job for him after that.

In the back of his mind he knows the only reason he didn’t like the idea of you being on the team was because he…knew it wouldn’t end well for him. He was sure to be on your long list of broken hearts (a list that was never confirmed to even exist)

It made sense in his mind…he was Robin. A bird. And you were a cat. A right recipe for disaster. You’d trap him in your greedy little claws and eat him alive.

Over time that perspective changed.

Robin hates to admit it, but he’s softer now. Softer around you. For you.

“I know who you are,” he says with that arrogant smirk.

“So why can’t I know who you are?”

“Only…really important and trustworthy people know. The only person who knows besides Batman is Wally. He’s my best friend.”

“Why doesn’t that include me?” you’re practically purring, rubbing a finger down his face, “am I not important enough to you?” You pout for show

He looks dejected, like he was having an internal battle with himself. And you could tell which part of him was losing.

Your fingers inch slowly towards his mask, ready to lift-

“Robin.” And the stupid, stupid monotone voice that belonged to Batman interrupted you.

You’ll get him back for that.

Robin was now being scolded, but he was having none of it.

“It was a moment of weakness.”

“It will not happen again. No more moments of weakness. You’re growing, your body is going through a lot of different things. Keep it in your pants-”

“Whoa old man! Whoa! That’s going too far. And what about Selina?! You’ve had many moments of weakness because of her. You can’t scold me for this one time.”

“It’s because of my experience with Catwoman that I know better. I’m trying to stop you from…getting hurt.”

Robin calls bullshit on that. What could you possibly do to hurt him? (Thoughts that completely contradict his first impressions of you)

The next time he sees you he’ll spill everything. He’ll let you know that he does trust you and that you do matter. That you’re important to him.

Just to spite Bruce. And maybe because he really likes you and wants you to know it.

It was his idea to bring you onto the team anyways…he’s just giving Bruce exactly what he wanted. A warm welcome to a new teammate.

WALLY (romantic)

Wally was so happy someone FINALLY reciprocated his advances. And especially with a catch like you? Black Cat?! He was over the moon.

At first.

It quickly came to be too much. He's been waiting, praying for someone to match his energy, but now that he's got it? He's not exactly sure how to handle it. He's gotten so used to being blown off, teased, and scolded for his flirting that it was weird when you flirted back.

He was of course the first to tease you when you officially joined the team. He gave your your nickname, Kitty Cat. You despised the name and him for the longest time.

Wally was annoying. Taunting you at all times. Calling to you as if you were an actual cat.

He'd click his tongue, "here kitty kitty."

And for that, your flirting was meaner towards him (compared to how you treated everyone else). Which is the exact reason why he couldn't handle the teasing from you. It wasn't the normal way Robin would, "oh yeah, Wally can't phase the way Flash does. Otherwise he gets a nosebleed. Right, loser?" Or the way Artemis would, "ugh, you flirt like a divorced 40 year old who's desperate for a rebound. Loser."

No, your teasing was quite different. You laughed cruelly, throwing your head back for show, "Come get it before it's gone, loser."

So. He was still a loser to you, but it seemed you actually liked that about him. Maybe.

Wally didn't like it as much as he thought he would. It ruined his cool guy facade (one that didn't exist, Robin would say). It was humbling, the way he suddenly tumbled over his words, face flushed red and all.

More than humbling. It was embarrassing.

You bring him down to the mat with a loud THUD. Much like the time Black Canary beat him during their first time training. Except you used your weight, tumbling on him (and straddling him in the process. Great).

Embarrassing embarrassing embarrassing.

The only person that was able to truly catch him was his best friend, Robin. And that's with years of experience with the speedster. You'd know him all of a few months and you're able to do it?!

"It won't happen again,” referring to his teasing of your name, naming you Kitty Cat and clicking his tongue at you.

“Or I’ll have to teach you a lesson. Much different from this one.” And you casually walk away.

Wally desperately wanted to get up, to humble you back. But he couldn't. He felt physically incapable of doing so.

You had really done it. You slowed down the (second) fastest man alive.

Wow.

"Wow. That was extremely painful to watch," of course Robin had something to say about it.

"Shut up man."

KALDUR (romantic)

It was "unprofessional," he said.

Unprofessional your ass. It was perfectly professional. A lot of people on the teams had partners within those same teams. Black Canary and Green Arrow, Superman and Wonder Woman (exes—but that still counts for something), Conner and M’gann acted like a couple and no one said anything! So what was the problem?

Well apparently there wasn’t a problem…seeing as this “relationship” was more welcomed—as in, Kaldur didn’t tell the Black Cat off when they made advances towards him. Besides when he called their behavior “unprofessional.” That was once. He didn’t say a word of it after that.

In fact, he allowed—dare anyone say encouraged it.

On missions you were attached to his hip. Even if he assigned you to be by Artemis’ side or assist Robin, you wouldn’t listen. And he didn’t say anything about it, instead informing the team to continue on with the plan.

His professional act as the team leader never faltered, not even you could break it down. He merely tolerated your flirting (his words, though you knew better. He loved it).

The team was each in their individual positions scoping out the area, ready to attack at a moments notice. Kaldur was squatted down and you decided it was the perfect opportunity to pounce on him (as you usually did). You wrapped your arms around his neck, now on his back.

“Does the team leader have time for some sweet talk?”

“I, we have a job to do, Cat. Focus.”

You hum, “What are we doing here again?”

He starts relaying the plan to you, you taking note of the way he doesn’t scold you (he repeated the plan to the team multiple times on the way over, he surely would’ve berated one of the other guys for not listening). You never had any intentions of listening, only wanting a chance to annoy him.

“Blah blah blah, is this your version of sweet talk?” You squish his face between your fingers and plant a kiss on his cheek.

He only sighs, “Later. After the mission is complete.”

For once, your find yourself surprised. He’s promising to reciprocate your advances?

This should be fun.

CONNER (romantic)

M'gann was more subtle with her flirting (not really, especially with the way she blushes), more timid and on the nose about her feelings. You? You got straight to the point. Kind of like how open Artemis was when she first joined the team. She had no shame letting the team know telepathically how attractive she thought Superboy was. Seriously, what was it with new recruits and taking an immediate liking to Conner? Why not the other three boys? What did he have that they didn't!

Although Artemis gave up on that crush at first sight almost immediately

You? Not so much. it was very noticeable that the Black Cat was adamant on cracking the boy of steel. it seemed like an impossible mission, but with a little determination and a couple sultry words? it was pretty damn easy

This is very much an enemies to lovers type relationship (kinda):

At the beginning, when you first met, he was open to new relationships. Getting to know people he could count on within the team, though that openness completely died down. Your flirting was nonstop. Even on missions! How was he supposed to concentrate on the task at hand when you found time to graze his arm or speak soft words to him?

You annoyed him, sosososo much it wasn't even funny. Even more than M'gann did. Both of you were insistent, that's for sure. But one was more bold than the other. He tried telling himself it was because he didn't like you: at least with M'gann he wanted a relationship to come from it (not necessarily romantic)

But with you...he hated you. No. He hated the way he reacted to your advances...he hated admitting to himself that your words affected him. That he felt something not so platonic for you. Damn you and your stupid flirting. It was surely going to be the death of him. And that's saying something: the clone of the man of steel actually breaking down? unheard of.

But you managed to do it. Unfortunately.

Conner finds himself thinking about you, more than he'd like. Another reason to dislike you. You take up his mind. Every waking moment and every dream. It's infuriating.

And now he was starting to worry about you during missions. He saw you get knocked down, away from the rest of the team. The fall looked nasty, and with the way you seem to lie there with no intention of getting back up, he's sure you've been knocked out

Conner tries to ignore the way his heart clenches at the sight, kind of like the way it does when concerning you in different context

It gives him the courage to voice his worries, he calls out to you, and as expected: he gets no response

The enemy leans down to your level, ready to do more damage. Conner is quickly snapped out of his daze and starts running over to you

Until he abruptly stops. Because you open your eyes to wink at him, jump up, and take the enemy down with ease.

It's right then that he takes back every thought of admitting he doesn't hate you. Because the stupid smirk you're sending his way reminds him of every reason why he dislikes you.

Everyone is home or in their respective rooms already, leaving you and him. You're behind him, massaging his shoulders gently (your touch wouldn't have persisted if he showed any signs of discomfort, he leaned into it in fact, allowing you to continue)

You bring your head down, cheek to his,

"Oh come on. You can lie to everyone and yourself. But you can't lie to me. I know you were worried back there. Just admit it, Loverboy."

He can only roll his eyes. And blushed. You were never going to live this down.

"I wasn't. Now leave me alone." If only his actions were as convincing as his stern words. Words that would've scared off the likes of M'gann had she been in your position. But you knew better, knew that his shaking hands and quickly warming face meant that his words had no meaning.

Your hand dragged from his shoulder to his chest, right over his heart. Yeah, his words were meaningless with the way his heart was beating for you.

Conner was finally warming up to you and you had him right where you wanted him.

And so you let go. "Whatever you say, Loverboy," and with a kiss to his pink cheek, you leave him alone to ponder his complicated feelings.

Feelings that were in fact not complicated at all. Because Conner was finally, finally ready to admit to himself and to you that he wanted you. So badly.

If only you hadn't pulled away so quickly, he couldn't reciprocated the kiss or two...it would've been an easier, showing you how he feels instead of saying it out loud.

He'll kiss you next time.

M’GANN (romantic)

The Martian can't hide her liking towards you for the life of her. She could’ve even if she tried.

It was near painful, you pitied her. You almost felt bad and stopped teasing her. Almost.

It was fun though, how could you stop?

M’gann would actively seek out your approval and attention when you joined the team. It was only natural, she did it with the rest of the members, so you were no exception.

Besides, the only teammate she was kind of close with was Artemis. Was it sooo wrong of her to want to get close to you?!

Nope! Though she does wish you weren’t so…forward sometimes. Not that it’s unwelcomed, she’s just unsure of how to act because of it. Is she supposed to reciprocate? M’gann has never seen nor experienced such a dynamic on Mars, much less on Earth. So she awkwardly blushes and smiles.

Eventually she gets used to it. And gets very much into it. She won’t vocalize her feelings, instead she’ll mind link and talk that way. Often times it’s easier to communicate through touch. Which says a lot, M’gann would rather use touch?? Not the mind link?? Which was the main source of communication on Mars? Whoa.

It was mainly because…she didn’t want to reveal all her feelings to you. She’s usually able to control what goes through the mind link, having done it since childhood, but you’ve made her mind a complete mess. She all but short circuits when you’re around.

Can anyone blame her?

"You know what I'm thinking?"

"No."

"Well you can read me, can't you Martian girl?"

She giggles at herself, how could she forget? "Hello Megan!"

Her smile turns timid once she reads your mind.

"Oh."

ARTEMIS (romantic)

It was honestly unfair how fast the blonde caught your attention. Her voice. Her stupid raspy voice.

Unfortunately for you, Artemis wasn’t exactly buddy-buddy with you at first. Well, she wasn’t really with any of her teammates. But with time she’s learned to get along with everyone.

“I just wanna get to know you, Blondie. What’s wrong with that?” You asked in the sweetest voice you could muster up, one that usually made everyone fall.

Yet she rolls her eyes.

So that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Fine.

It was right after a mission, everyone was surrounding Red Tornado, relaying the events to your mentor.

“You know we could’ve took that guy down way faster had you not been on Robin the whole time.”

“Jealous Blondie?

“Stop calling me Blondie!”

You had sleepovers, movie nights, and other hang out outside of missions. With or without the rest of the team. They were fun, the first time you were alone with her is what really got her to warm up to you.

“Ugh! Of course literally everyone else canceled but Cat.” She really seemed to hate you.

You were outside her window, watching as Artemis complained to no one but herself. She once offhandedly commented on how her place was off limits for hangouts (refusing to explain why, which was okay with the team).

You were definitely crossing a boundary doing this, but she seemed upset in the group chat. You couldn’t just leave her by herself.

And then…the Sportsmaster walks in her room. One of the team’s enigmas. A thorn in their side. What the hell?

He does nothing but berate her for not ���joining them.” Joining who? Then proceeds to say he’d be happier if she ever thinks to change her mind

“I’m never going to be apart of your messed up team, dad.”

Oh.

And then he’s just…gone.

You’re stunned, and only then does she finally notice you. She ushers you into her room, now berating you for your actions and spying and breaking her boundaries and…

“Your secret is safe with me, babe.” It was meant to be a term of endearment to reassure her,

Friends called each other babe, right?

“Babe?”

“You’d rather be called Blondie?”

She rolls her eyes, “whatever.” And as annoyed as she wanted to seem, she smiled and hugged you gratefully.

It was the only time you allowed yourself to be any kind of vulnerable around her. Or any of the team for that matter.

Once she got over her high horse, it was a very reluctant friendship turned…something more? That’s to be determined. But with the way she now flirts back? You’d say that was a good sign.

“Hey Blondie.”

“You calling me Blondie is the equivalent of Wally calling you Kitty Cat. Maybe I’ll have to teach you a lesson this time around.”

“I like the way you think, babe.” (You say not so platonically this time)

ROY (romantic)

You were on him as soon as he rejoined the team. How could you not be? He was even grumpier than Conner was when he joined, making him extra fun to mess with.

You had no chill when flirting with him, he decided immediately that was annoyed with you. And did not want to be friends.

Because his actual friends brought him joy, they made him laugh and they listened to him when he had bad days. You? You made a bad first impression, therefore he refused give you the chance to do any of those things.

Often telling you to buzz off and if you didn’t he’d “choke you with a hair ball.” Kinky, you replied.

He hated it.

Until you found out about his girl, his other Cat. Cheshire. That’s when things changed. You were less…on him.

"Me and her were never a thing!"

"Getting defensive there. Afraid I'll get jealous?"

"I could care less about your feelings."

“Oh really? Is that right?”

His eye twitched. He couldn’t believe he was trying to…reassure you? Was that what he was doing?

He was trying to make sure you knew he wasn’t with Cheshire. That her feelings were one sided. It’s something he shouldn’t be doing, he tells himself. In fact, he should be doing the opposite. Tell you that she means something to him, or maybe stay quiet and insinuate that they had something going on.

To get you off his back.

You seemed to back off completely when you found out Cheshire flirted with him often on missions when the goal was to take her down. Much like how the team’s predicament when they first met you.

It made you…upset?

And for some reason that made him upset.

“So you’re my Roy Toy? Mine completely?” Wally and Robin had originally griped about the nickname until it eventually made them laugh. They came to appreciate it.

“I’m no one’s. Not yours, not Cheshire’s, not the Justice League’s nor the team’s.”

“You will be mine one day, Speedy. And you’ll love it.”

Roy doesn’t respond but he feels like…there is some truth to your playful statement.

Maybe one day.

bonus:

THE TEAM

They all slowly turn towards you.

"...you've kissed all of us?"

You only shrug, “wasn’t that obvious?”

you can tell I got lazy lmaooo

I hate how I formatted this omg

[sword-opera]

[knifebaby3000]

listening to your heartbeat, realizing it's my heartbeat too!

[millionsknives]

I WANT TO HUNT LIKE DAVID; I WANT TO KILL ME A GIANT MAN 1) levi as caravaggio's "david with the head of goliath" 2) erwin as michelangelo's david 3) hange as bernini's david 4) reiner as turchi's "david with the head of goliath" 5) armin as caravaggio's "david and goliath" 6) gabi as ferrier's "david victorious over goliath" 7) mikasa as novelli's "david with the head of goliath"

[mads-is-tired]

Generation Loss Episode Three was Scripted, a short analytical commentary

I don't think Ranboo was entirely in control in episode 3 like we're lead to believe.

I’m obsessed with the set up of “episode three was also scripted by showfall”. Episode one follows a clear plot, there's a few glitches but for the most part you get the vibe that this is what a showfall show usually is. The second episode has more glitches, giving the audience more chances to see “the real gl!Ranboo” and his reactions to the Horrors, before being shoved deeper into the mind control and turning into an NPC in those last bits from the museum onwards. It ends with Hetch breaking through the show and releasing gl!Ranboo. Not completely though, but the audience wouldn’t know that. We are taught to assume from the glitches that when the mask lights are off or flashing, gl!Ranboo is (mostly) in control. So why would we question that now? The lights aren’t even flashing, they’re off. They have a genuine reaction that anyone would have after suddenly becoming aware of themselves in a giant mall. But gl!Ranboo was still under control. Showfall seems to typically control people with accessories, and while that's not always true, the mask is still on him, lights or no lights. 

(i'm putting the rest under the cut because this is over 1000 words and I don't want to be a menace to my mutuals who don't follow genloss)

Ranboo stated that every choice gl!Ranboo makes in the finale was the wrong choice. Saving gl!Charlie, steering gl!Charlie away from the axe, trusting Hetch, choosing the wrong code, walking to the wrong exit, the list goes on.

Charlie has been in every episode. There are theories of him being “Showfalls Favourite”, maybe this is true, or maybe he’s a fan favourite? Maybe the show was set up for Ranboo to find him, and feel compelled to release him from the mind control. Having someone with the main character also prompts dialogue, which we wouldn’t have gotten if Ranboo was by themselves. 

The fateful words “can you run with that?” causes multiple problems for these characters when Ranboo steers Charlie away from the axe. If he had it, they would have gotten out. To me, the most logical explanation is that Showfall could not allow them to escape before Hetch’s grand plan was executed. On one hand, why couldn’t they just have Charlie not pick it up in the first place? Maybe they did actually release Charlie from being mind controlled (but not Ranboo) so his reactions felt real. Why have the axe in the room at all? I don’t have a good explanation for that. But Ranboo saw the TV monster/security, he saw what it did to the employee and Sneeg, why would you risk not having an axe, even if you thought it might slow you down a bit?

After Hetch “died”, he gave instructions to the button. The ratio turns to cinematic. The cameras are no longer being controlled by drones, it’s like a movie. The camera men are no longer acknowledged. Ranboo goes into an almost trance, stabbing the first employee he sees. While I recall Ranboo mentioning that gl!Ranboo was angry at everything and wanted to avenge his friend (or something along those lines), the cinematography from the view’s POV, and just the ‘trace’ full stop feels like a driving point to the plot. This also brings me to the wires that bleed from the employee. I believe that gl!Ranboo’s actions have been influenced by Showfall up until Hetch’s scene, but it was still Ranboo. Now, as the ratio changes, Showfall are back in control. Their filter is back up. The employee we see mauled by security earlier was bleeding, the one Ranboo stabs is wires. I do enjoy the theory that employees who try to escape or try to help cast members escape are killed and filled with wires, as well as the theory that the longer they work for Showfall, the less human they become. It could be any one of these theories, but its definitely important due to the emphasis put on it. 

Charlie’s last moments were spent trying to get Ranboo out, the man was getting gutted and torn to shreds, possibly having wires shoved inside him, and he manages to find the strength to stop screaming in pain and point towards the button. I may be reading into this too much, it's a very plausible scene and it does fall inline with the famous last words trope. I may be reading into all of it too much, as many of these elements could just be creative choices with no real plot behind them, particularly the ratio change. 

Another thing I’ve thought of while writing this, security seems to hang around after its killed. 

We see it over Sneeg’s body, however it must have been there for a while. Ranboo and Charlie were out in the open in the mall, not too far away, surely Sneeg’s screams would have echoed throughout the space, suggesting that he died before they were close enough for them to hear it. Security was also hovering over Charlie, while the other employees were chasing after Ranboo, which you would assume was security’s job. Both of these scenes goes back to that theory of security (re)wiring and reprogramming the employees and cast members. This brings me hope that Charlie and Sneeg aren’t dead, just reprogrammed. But then this goes back to my other post about Ranboo saving Charlie was the reason he died, and the parallel between Ranboo’s choice and the audience's final choice. What's the better outcome? Becoming/remaining a cast member with Showfall Media for as long as they want you to entertain for them, living under mind control for entire lifetimes, or death, right here, right now. The audience, and Ranboo, decided the latter was a better fate. 

As of the last scene with the box, I'm not sure if thats gl!Ranboo in total control or not. According to Ranboo, it is, and Showfall are even putting his memories back. It would make sense he was in control, maybe Showfall were just lucky their 'hero' had so much emotion behind him.

To summarise, there are many details that indicate gl!Ranboo was not in total control in episode three like we are led to believe. We are trusting Hetch just as Ranboo did, and look where that got them.

feel free to add to this in replies, reblogs, tags, whatever! I'd love to hear your thoughts, whether you agree with me or not

[tradingjack]

babygirl's babygirl alert

[Edit: updated with IDs for accessibility, thank you @princess-of-purple-prose for the descriptions :D]

[sealrock]

decembhyur, day 14: water

I have a recurring dream of hector, and paris is not in it. I dream of him frozen in a moment in time that forces me to relive the heartache and terror I put him through. he's separated from me by water; at times it appears to be a lake, and other times an ocean. I hear the roar of waves and the wind chill against my face, but hector does not move from his spot. I cannot discern if he says anything to me during these moments. he just stands there, away from me, just like before. he looks so small and fragile marooned out there, and yet I cannot save him. as I stand firmly rooted in place, as I've done so many times before, a heavy fog begins to roll over the tide. it engulfs everything in its path, including hector. my voice seizes, a lump forms in my throat as I watch him vanish before my eyes. I feel hot tears mixed with kohl race down and stain my cheeks, and still, I cannot speak. I cannot cry. I cannot scream. all I can do is stand there, just like I've always done before, suddenly so helpless and useless in the face of a horror of my own making. I failed him. I pushed him aside so callously when he needed me the most. he will always be here, trapped by ever-flowing water. I cannot reach him… not anymore. — ♫

[sweetsnidle]

class pic #??????? (pt 2/????)

from left to right: hime, tatsu and hana.

(tatsu and hana are owned by @lesbkinz!)

[diamondnokouzai]

How to (Really) Eat a Human Being

(A response to YouTuber @/horses)

Do you already have a human being to eat? This is the hardest step, but don’t worry about it. There’s a few ways to go about this:

Do you own a slave? If so, you can go directly to step two! If not, there are a few ways to get a slave: if there’s a war coming up, go along on the expedition and try not to die! if you bring a slave back, you’re set to start eating. otherwise, you could always purchase one.

Are you a decent hunter? If not, go find a slave. If you are a decent hunter though, you know what to do! go hide in the bush and wait to find a woman or child who is gathering wood, water, or plant food. you’re a big tough man presumably, go get ‘em!

Are you actually looking for endogenous cannibalism? My bad! You’ll either need to wait for someone to die naturally (preferably of old age or childbirth—family & neighbors who die of disease, particularly with lesions, will likely be cremated) or for a famine to occur. Once someone does die, your village elders will guide you through the process; when a famine occurs, you will presumably trade your daughter for the neighbor's in order to get some meat.

However, this article will not go into details about this practice—I recommend that you contact your spiritual leaders for assistance in this practice.

Ewwww, no!: Don’t be a baby.

How do I prepare my hu-meat?

Alright, now that we have some food, let's get to getting! There are a few ways to prepare your human flesh--you can eat it raw, especially the blood, but c'mon. We are gastronomists!

I prefer my meat to be tender and juicy!: Have I got great news for you! For this process, we'll be using a practice pioneered in the Congo. Now, this is a long process, but it is well worth it!

The first thing you're gonna wanna do is break your meal's limbs, without slaughtering the meat. Just the arms and legs should do it! We don’t want them to be able to run.

Alright, next you’re going to want to find a medium-speed river, preferably one with no large predators. 

Find or build a stake tall enough to penetrate the riverbed and be seen above the waters and place it in the river

Tie your meal to the stake so that their head is above the water, even at high tide or during floods. Take care to make sure their joints are below the water level!

Leave your meal in place for three days to tenderize it. After three days, they’re ready for cooking! See step 3.

I prefer a sharper, tougher meat: Not a problem at all!I would advise you to find a warrior of some sort, as their musculature helps the meat to retain a tougher texture. If there are no wars coming up, try running down a stranger as they gather water or firewood! If they’re sent out to gather supplies, they probably have decent musculature; additionally, the fear of being hunted keeps the meat naturally seasoned.

I have a slave, but could only afford a child: That is absolutely fine. What you’ll want to do is grab your slave by the ankles and swing them against the ground or another solid surface, such as a wall or tree. Hopefully this will smash their skulls at once, but if not, just swing again.

What is the matter with you?! Oh, don’t be so “P.C.” I, for one, am a great believer in the value of  tradition.

How do I cook my hu-meat? Great question! There’s a wide variety of preparation methods, from roasting to boiling to smoking. There’s something for everyone!

I tenderized my meat: Well done! After you’ve removed your livestock from the river, you’ll want to kill it quickly, preferably by removing the head. Many parts of the head are edible!

Butcher the meat. First, you’ll want to open the abdomen to remove the offal; once washed, the intestines and bowels can be eaten if so desired, prepared in much the same way as any other offal. Once the offal is removed, you’ll want to quarter the remainder of the cadaver, leaving the chest aside for last.

My slave is female: Congratulations! The breasts are often considered one of the choicest cuts. Remove the breasts from the body as cleanly as possible, leaving little blood in the breast meat.

Scald the meat. This will remove all of its hair, much the same way that chicken is scalded to aid in removing feathers..

Wrap the meat in leaves. This helps keep the juices in the flesh when cooking.

Roast the meat.

In a closed oven: In a closed oven, adding bananas or other fruit to the human flesh provides a sweetness which really highlights the unique flavor of human meat! As the flavors mix between fruit and flesh, the meal becomes a royal affair.

On a barbecue: Sea salt makes the saltiness of the flesh even more intense, and the natural smokey flavor of the barbecue helps to sear the meat.

Both methods are equally delicious!

I have so much leftover! Goodness, did you eat a whole person by yourself?! Haha. It’s recommended that you smoke any meat that you have leftover in order to preserve it for travel! This way, you can share your meal with your community later. Or you can sell it! When smoked, human flesh greatly resembles beef :)

I chased down my meat: Very impressive! There’s a few things we can do from here:

The livestock is a woman, child, or not willing to fight: In this case, you can either take it home to cook, or cook it immediately. If you want to take it home to cook, follow the steps above! If you wish to cook it immediately, then you can follow the steps below.

If you are sailing home: If your ship has a mast, tie your prey to the sails! By allowing the sea air to beat your prey to death, your prey won’t be able to curse you for slaughtering it. It also infuses a tropical tang to the meat! These “birds of the sail” have quite a unique song ;)

If the livestock is a woman: Well, I hardly need to tell a brave warrior like you what you can do to a woman. Even once you’re finished, you can still have her slaughtered and roasted!

The livestock is fighting: In that case, you’ll have to kill and cook it quickly. Once you’ve ended its life:

The livestock was an actual warrior: Remove the offal first. There likely won’t be time to wash it before it begins to rot. You can either eat homo tartare, or start a small campfire. It’ll be easiest to cut off slices of thigh meat in these circumstances, as the fattiness of the area will aid in digestion.

The livestock was a child: Simply bash the head against the ground or a tree, then remove the offal. Next, tie the ankles together, and then tie the ankles to the neck. This will let you transport the meat by carrying it over your shoulder like a basket.

But how shall I eat it? The simplest way is best. There likely won’t be time to build an oven, so we’ll be roasting on an open fire instead!

Pick your cut of meat. If you’re a talented runner, perhaps chunks of thigh; a talented spear-thrower might prefer the palm. As we aren’t near the shambles, we’ll be cooking the whole thing, so choosing your meat before the cooking begins helps ensure that everyone cooks the meat to their preference.

Butcher the meat according to everyone’s choice. Any unwanted cuts can be smoked for trade or provision. In terms of the slaughter itself:

Dash the head against the ground. Of course, this doesn’t do much for flavor, but sometimes these things can’t be helped.

Stab the livestock in the stomach. This is the preferred method, as the draining of blood and bile improves the flavor. However, if there are any among your party who prefer these innards, it’s preferred to destroy the skull instead.

Find sharpened sticks to use for spits or kebabs. A small victim may be roasted whole by inserting a rod through the anus and out through the mouth, but it is far simpler, quicker, and easier to roast kebabs, or to roast each piece of flesh by quarter. Roasting by kebabs also allows a greater variety of seasonings!

Smoke the leftovers. This is not required, of course, but waste not want not!

I have a slave already. In that case, this will be extremely easy.

My slave is an obedient slave.

Have them build you an oven first. The exertion helps work up a sweat which improves the flavor!

Order them into the oven. Of course, you needn’t literally order them into the oven, as even the most obedient slave may plead for their life. If they don’t, consider yourself a wise slavemaster; you truly have made a wise slave! Live-roasted human often tastes the best.

Slaughter the slave. Of course, most humans will not kill themselves even for their master. When slaughtering the slave, it’s best to aim for the skull so that the majority of calories are maintained. The head will be removed before being cooked, which can provide a toy (or at least distraction) to any naughty children or dogs that are sniffing around the meal.

Roasting the meat. Roasting the meat with passionfruit makes a delicious, tangy meat dish that not even a slave could find issue with. Roasting it with kumara provides a sweeter twist on a classic, or you could roast it plain to your preference!

Feeding the family. As odd as it may seem, make sure that any family of your slave—especially parents or grandparents—also consume your slave along with the people of the tribe. This will ensure that they cannot curse you!

My slave is a disobedient slave. Aren’t they all? The good news is, you needn’t feel badly (if you have a delicate heart) for having them slaughtered. They’ll likely be impertinent to an elder or disrespectful to you at one point or another, at which point you’ll be able to dispatch them without any guilt. Unfortunately, this does mean that you may not be able to have them make an oven for you before you begin cooking.

My slave is an infant. Then this is even easier! Leave the infant exposed to the sun, and it should be ready to roast with gourds the same day.

Spit-roasting: Infants are actually very well-sized for spit-roasting. The first thing is to remove the viscera, which may pollute the meat; next, insert a rod from the mouth through the anus (having the chest cavity may assist in maneuvering) and then place above the fire. However, roasting an infant in an oven with gourds may provide a more striking flavor!

Cooking into a stew

After butchering your slave, you’ll want to remove the hands and feet, as these parts of the body tend not to cook well into soups or stews.

Remove the bones from the flesh, then dice the flesh. As a stew, dicing the meat allows a greater diffusion of flavor.

Break the heads of the bones and use them to boil a stock. This is not strictly necessary, but human stock enhances the flavor. Otherwise, you can simply break the bones to eat the marrow as a snack while you cook!

Coat the meat in flour and spices, then sear in oil. This improves the flavor of the meat and will help its texture in the stew.

Add vegetables/fillers/tomato paste to the stew. Depending on the thickness and structure of your meal, this step may be skipped. I recommend tomato paste for a stew, but a soup should be fine with only some vegetables.

Add the flesh to the stew. If overboiled, the flesh can lose its distinctive texture.

Cook for 30-40 minutes. 

Enjoy!

Cooking breast meat: Once the breasts have been removed, the fattiness lends itself very well to frying. It’s not recommended to roast breast or other fatty meats, as it can greatly degrade the texture and flavor both.

I purchased my slave at the market: Now, this is a bit tricky—if you purchased the entire slave, then you can follow the steps above in terms of cookery; however, you may have only chosen a part of the slave. You’ll need to wait until the slaughtering and butchery is done, but after that, you can cook your meat according to any of the methods outlined above!

You’re disgusting. I can’t believe you wrote this. Really? Do you think that you’re so far away from eating a human? It could have happened to you without you even knowing it, and has happened to people smarter than you in the past.

Not to mention, are you so certain? Would you rather die than kill another human being? You aren’t that brave. All humans wish to live, and all humans will fight to live.

So would you rather die than eat another human being? I pray that you never come to this. Sincerely, I hope you are never lost and alone in a foreign and hostile landscape, never in a scenario where you must choose between dying alongside your comrade and killing your comrade so that you can live for one day longer. It’s called the custom of the sea. Aren’t you hungry? Don’t you want to fight against the cruel ocean? Don’t you want to live? Don’t you want to live?

Aren’t you hungry?

Siefkes, C. (2022). Edible people: The Historical Consumption of Slaves and Foreigners and the Cannibalistic Trade in Human Flesh. Berghahn Books.

Travis-Henikoff, C. A., & Turner, C. G. (2008). Dinner with a Cannibal: The Complete History of Mankind’s Oldest Taboo. Santa Monica Press.

[thedisablednaturalist]

Unfortunately all chatgpt is good for is interview/job application stuff which I think says a lot about the hiring process as a whole

[ken10]

Niragi from Alice in Borderland in the Danganronpa sprite style.

I instantly connected the AiB game concept to Danganronpa in my brain, so I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone else make this comparison/cross over before. Might make more of these. Might not, idk.

[gecko-in-a-can]

In light of the (alleged) IMDb cast list

[chiropterx]

Smack that like button if you want a gift from the MAN-BAT! 🎁

[unnonexistence]

i am just going to have to get used to ambiguously-defined variables and bad documentation, aren't i

[beedreamscape]

I think what is missing with 4-sided Dive that Talks Machina had was a third party to have those character discussions with. It's not the same with a fellow PC. Also someone with interviewing abilities, sometimes I feel like they meander so much.

And I do like to watch them talk, I do watch old episodes of AWNP, fireside chat, etc, but for discussing the game/campaign I think the mechanics of it muddles with the flow.

I personally feel no value is added from the tower of inquiry or the cup questions, though I don't mind the game playing at the end since at this point who had their curiosity satisfied can simply leave, but answering while playing which they tried doing at least once I watched didn't work at all.

Edit: Btw when I say no value is added I mean the format (being in a cup, pulling from the tower) and not the questions themselves.

[fudgecake-charlie]

weird i know but would people be interested in a silly little online recipe book? I made it so I, a guy who didn't cook often and doesnt like spending money, could cook regularly while living alone in university. I still use and update it!!