#this is not about self-harm I’m just not feeling very optimistic about my health right now

[cleromanticon]

I’ve reached the gallows humor/red flag event horizon of my depression.

[iamtrebleclefstories]

maybe it’s wrong to say I love you - part two 

Part Two: Home

people I’ve loved, I’ve had no regrets... some I remember, some I forget...

So... this monstrosity of a fic was supposed to be a miniseries, but it’s obviously evolved into this giant. Hope you enjoy it and let me know what think and what you hope to see next!

If you haven’t read Part One, you can find it here!

p.s - You might wanna get the tissues out for this one

TW: Mentions of suicide, self-harm, and abuse

Part Two: Home

-Wish I were with you, but I couldn't stay-

-Every direction leads me away-

Leaving Seattle was probably one of the most difficult decisions Jo had ever made. And that was coming from someone who’d lived through some really crappy things in her twenty-eight years of life. When she turned her resignation into Webber, he did everything in his power to get her to stick around. He pointed out that it was kind of ridiculous to just up and leave one of the best residency programs in the country because of a guy. Normally, she’d agree. She’s worked way too damn hard in her life for it to come to this. But Alex wasn’t just a guy. He was her person. He was her family. And sometimes you needed to sacrifice things in order to keep your family safe and happy. 

When Webber realized that Jo was not going to change her mind about moving, he offered to put her in contact with an old colleague who was the chief of surgery at a hospital on the east coast. That’s how she ended up on a six and a half hour flight from Seattle to Florida. She started working at the Jacksonville branch of Mayo Clinic about a week later. 

It was different. Very different from Seattle. It was hot and humid all the time. Sure the beaches were nice, but Jo didn’t think she’d ever lived somewhere so unbearably hot in her entire life. Something that was nice though was the rain. Because even though Florida was nicknamed the Sunshine State, she felt like it was constantly raining. It reminded her of Seattle. It reminded her of home. 

Months passed and Jo felt like she was finally starting to heal, albeit very slowly. But she was healing nonetheless. She could go an entire day without even thinking about Alex Karev and how he was probably living it up with his wife. Sure, those days also just so happened to be days where Jo literally did not have the time to think of him, but she was grateful for the slight reprieve that work had given her over the constant influx of painful memories. 

By the time the end of her third year of residency was coming to a close, she thought she’d finally done it. She made it an entire week without crying over Alex and everything that they had lost. She was proud of herself. So proud, that she thought maybe she could try to move on and start dating again. 

She was on her first date post-Alex when she saw the news on the bar television. Mass shooting at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital in Seattle, Washington. Multiple lives lost, many injured, including some of the doctors and staff. 

Jo felt absolutely sick to her stomach. She excused herself from her date and rushed back over to her apartment and searched for the little black book where she’d written down the phone numbers of all her friends before throwing out her old phone and getting a new number. She found it and shakily dialed the first number she saw—Meredith’s—and prayed that someone on the other line would answer. 

“Hello?” A tired voice croaked.

“Mer?” 

“Jo? Is that you?” 

Jo let out a sigh of relief, “Oh my God. I saw the news. Are you okay? Is everyone okay?” There was a sob on the other end of the line, making Jo’s heart beat wildly against her chest. “Meredith, what happened?”

“It was horrible,” Meredith cried, her sniffles being heard from Jo’s end of the call. Jo waited patiently for Meredith to calm herself enough to inform her of what happened. “Today was the worst day of my life.”

“Did anyone we know—“

“Yes,” Meredith stated quietly. “Derek was shot in the heart and almost died. Cristina saved him, though. The doctors are optimistic. Owen got shot in the arm. I lost my baby—“

“You were pregnant?” Jo’s eyes began to water.

“Yeah,” Meredith whimpered. “I had a miscarriage today.”

“Mer, I’m so sorry,” Jo felt a couple tears escape her eyes. “What about everyone else?”

“Bailey watched someone die in her arms,” Meredith shared. “His name was Charles. He was a resident. He was new, but not so bad. This other girl named Reed died. So did a couple nurses and security guards. No kids, though. Lexie is okay. Mark is okay. Arizona and Callie are okay.”

“Mer, you haven’t said anything about Alex. Why aren’t you saying anything about Alex?” Jo’s heart hammered inside her rib cage. There was silence coming from Meredith’s side of the call. “Meredith. Please. Tell me he isn’t dead.”

“He isn’t dead,” Meredith stated. “But I’m not completely sure he’s going to live.”

Jo heard the sob before she registered it was hers, “What happened?”

“He was shot in the chest,” Meredith’s voice quivered a bit. “Lexie and Mark found him, but by the time they found him he’d already lost so much blood. They put in a chest tube and tried to do as much as they could in the conference room on the fourth floor. But he hasn’t woken up yet. Someone needs to make some decisions regarding his care. The bullet ripped through his lung. They need to figure out whether they’re gonna take him back into surgery or just hope he makes it through the night.”

“Oh God,” Jo felt the tears stream down her face. She took a couple deep breaths. “Okay. Okay. What’s Izzie going to have them do?”

“Jo, Izzie isn’t the one who’s going to make those decisions,” Meredith said cautiously. 

“What do you mean? She’s his wife isn’t she? What is she going to have them do?” 

“You don’t know?” Meredith asked. 

“Don’t know what?” Jo shook her head. She couldn’t figure out why Meredith sounded so weird. 

“Um, nothing… it’s just… we were looking at Alex’s medical forms and you’re Alex’s power of attorney.”

“What?” Jo’s eyes widened. “Why me? Why not Izzie?”

“I guess he trusted that you’d make the right decisions,” Meredith paused. “You don’t have to come. I know it might be too hard for you.”

“No. No, I’ll come,” Jo decided and began to quickly pack an overnight bag. “I’m coming right now.”

Less than ten hours later, Jo was standing outside of Alex’s hospital room standing next to Meredith and Cristina as she spoke to the doctors about Alex’s health. After deciding the best course of treatment, Jo turned to look at her friends, “Where is Izzie?”

The two women exchanged a look. Cristina let out a sigh, “She’s visiting her mom. I don’t know if she knows.”

“Oh,” Jo nodded. “Maybe it’s better if she doesn’t see him like this.”

“Jo, you know that Izzie and Alex got—“Meredith started, quickly being interrupted by Jo.

“No, you know what? I don’t need to know,” Jo shook her head. “The one thing that coming here has taught me is that I’m still in love with him and that means I can’t be here. I can’t hear about his relationship with Izzie. Not today at least. Maybe in a few years when I’m over him and I don’t cry at the thought of him being with someone else, but not today.”

“But Jo, they’re—“ Cristina tried to get a word in.

“No. It’s okay,” Jo stuck her hand out, signaling Cristina to stop talking. “I did what I had to do and I’m going back. Don’t tell him that I was here or that you have my phone number. Please. I love you guys, but I need to leave.”

Her friends nodded and wrapped her in an uncharacteristic hug. Mer whispered in her ear, “Be safe. We’ll keep in touch.”

“Goodbye.”

————

-Just looking for shelter from the cold and the pain-

-Someone to cover, safe from the rain- 

Jo kept in contact with Meredith. The months following the shooting were difficult ones and Jo would often hear her phone ringing as Meredith called or texted her various updates regarding everyone’s lives. Everyone except Alex’s life. Jo was clear that she didn’t want to know what was going on in his life and perfect marriage with Izzie other than the fact that he was doing okay and thinking about specializing in peds apparently. 

She was about four or five months into her fourth year of residency when Jo was given an invitation to attend a medical conference in Orlando. Jo called Meredith immediately after and suggested she take a few days off to come attend the conference with her. 

“Jo I’d love to. Let me talk to the chief and see if I can get a few days off to visit you,” Meredith replied. 

About a week and a half later, Jo was picking Meredith up at the Orlando International Airport, “Mer!” 

“Jo!” The women embraced and Jo helped Meredith stuff her bags into the trunk of the car as they drove over to the hotel where the conference was being held. 

“How are you? How is everyone?” Jo asked. 

“We’re getting there. Things still aren’t as good as they could be,” Meredith shrugged. “Cristina got married.” 

“She what?” Jo’s eyes widened. “To Hunt?”

“Yup,” Meredith nodded. “She isn’t doing surgery right now either. I tried to convince her to come with me, but she wouldn’t listen.” 

Jo sighed, “I wish I could see her and literally slap some sense into her.” 

“You might be the only person who’d be successful at getting her to feel something,” Meredith chuckled. “It’s not the same without you there, Jo. Everything is so… boring and dull.”

“Boring and dull might just be the last thing you call Seattle Grace,” Jo wrinkled her face in amusement. “Especially since Mark Sloan got Callie pregnant. Poor Lexie.”

“I know,” Meredith shook her head. She stood quiet for a moment before speaking. “Don’t you ever miss it? Home?”

“Every day,” Jo answered. “Sure, I have some acquaintances, but it isn’t the same.” 

“So why don’t you come back?” 

“You know why,” Jo gave Meredith a pointed look. 

“But the reasons--” 

“Mer, stop. I told you I don’t want to know about him and Izzie,” Jo shook her head. 

“If you’d just let me talk you’d find out that things aren’t as perfect as you think they are,” Meredith crossed her arms. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Jo took a deep breath. “No one, in the history of my life has ever loved me and hurt me more than Alex. And if I want to keep loving him and not hating him for making me love him, then I can't know about his personal life. I can’t.” 

“Okay. We won’t talk about Alex anymore,” Meredith sighed. What she’d been trying to tell Jo was that Alex and Izzie had gotten divorced over a year ago and in an effort to cover the pain of losing the two women he loved, he’d reverted back to his days as a diseased man-whore. But Jo wasn’t having it. 

The first two days of the conference were fun and informative. Jo and Meredith used the time they weren’t in sessions to get some much needed rest. The third day of the conference Jo and Meredith were getting ready to walk in when Jo saw him. She knew immediately who it was as soon as she saw the back of his head. She’d never forget that man as long as she lived. 

Meredith must’ve realized how Jo went pale and started to tremble because she placed her hand lightly on Jo’s arm in concern, “Jo. Are you feeling okay? What’s wrong?” 

“I⎯I have to get out of here,” Jo grasped Meredith’s arm tightly. “Mer, I need you to get me out of here right now.” 

“Okay,” Meredith pulled Jo out of the hotel conference room and into the lobby where Jo finally let out a cry, startling Meredith. “Jo, what’s going on? I need you to talk to me.”

Jo had begun hyperventilating at some point and was struggling to catch her breath as she saw his name on the speaker schedule for the day on the poster outside of conference room doors. She didn’t know how she hadn’t noticed it before. She didn’t know how she could’ve missed it. Why was he here? Had he found her? Did he know she was in Florida?

“Jo!”

“Huh?” Jo turned to Meredith with scared eyes. 

“Jo, you look like you’ve seen a ghost. You begged me to get you out of that room. What happened?” 

“I⎯I’m married.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I’m married to a man who almost beat me to death. I ran away from him eight years ago and never divorced him because I was afraid he’d come find me and kill me,” Jo shared, body shaking in fear. 

“Does Alex know?” Meredith asked, brows furrowed.

“He’s the only person I’ve ever told,” Jo nodded, tears streaming down her cheeks. “He knows everything. About Paul, the abortion, how I ran away and changed my name. Jo Wilson isn't even my real name.”

Meredith wrapped Jo in a tight hug, “You’re okay. I’m here and I’m not leaving you alone. Not for one second.”

They found out that Paul lived in Florida, Orlando, specifically and had been working at Orlando Medical Group for the past five years. He was a speaker at the conference and would be giving a presentation on minimally invasive surgery techniques. They’d been in their hotel room for a few minutes when Jo finally spoke again. 

“Meredith, what if he sees me? What if he comes to hurt me?” Fear etched on Jo’s face. “He’s here. He’s here and I don’t even have Al—I don’t have anyone.”

“Do you want me to call him?” 

“No.”

“Jo, let me call him. Please,” Meredith squeezed one of Jo’s hands. “He’s going to want to be here with you. He misses you. He still loves you.”

“Meredith, stop,” Jo looked up at the ceiling. “If Alex were here he’d just do something stupid and get himself killed or wind up in jail or the hospital and I refuse to put him through that.”

“Okay,” Meredith sighed. “But you are not alone. You have me and we’re going to find a great lawyer who’s going to get you a restraining order and a divorce, because no one should be tied to a man like that. And I will stay here as long as I need to, to make that happen.”

——————

-The echoes and silence, patience and grace-

-All of these moments I'll never replace-

Realistically, Meredith couldn’t stay with Jo the entire time it would take her to process her divorce. The next few months after submitting the request for the dissolution of marriage were full of Jo looking over her shoulder practically every minute of every day.

It was on a Tuesday in February when it happened. She’s just got out of a surgery with Dr. Baker, their chief of surgery when she heard the most chilling sound. 

“Hi Brooke. Or should I say Jo? It is Jo now, isn’t it?” 

Jo turned around slowly to face him, eyes flitting over to Dr. Baker who seemed to be watching with concern, “Paul. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, you know, just checking up on my wife,” Paul sneered. “A wife I had not seen in eight years, so imagine my surprise when my lawyer presented me with divorce papers that my wife had filed not long before and that a court date has been set a month from today.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jo glared at him. “I have a restraining order. It’s all supposed to go through the courts. We aren’t supposed to have any contact with each other.” 

“I know,” Paul flashed her a disarming smile. “I just couldn’t resist coming to pay you a visit. Especially when I found out that you were living in the same state.”

“You need to leave before I call security,” Jo stood her ground. “You are not supposed to be anywhere near me, so you need to leave and go home.” 

“No… you know, I don’t think I will,” Paul answered, his menacing grin sending her heart beating wildly. “I think I’ll stick around and—“

“Is there a problem here?” Dr. Baker stood behind Paul, arms crossed as he took in the man’s tall frame. 

“No sir there’s no—“

“Yes,” Jo looked at Dr. Baker and nodded. “Yes there is a problem. This man is my husband whom I am in the process of divorcing. I have a restraining order on him and he is not allowed to be within a thousand feet of me.”

“Sir, I am going to need you to leave the premises immediately,” Dr. Baker pointed towards the exit. “Remove yourself or you shall be removed. And if I hear or see that you are anywhere on or near hospital grounds, I will not hesitate to call security.”

“Fine. I’ll leave,” Paul sent Jo an angry scowl. “But just so you know, you better watch your back. I have no plans on making this easy for you. I’ll see you in court.”

Jo watched as Paul walked out of the hospital and waited until he was out of sight before crumbling onto the floor. Dr. Baker kneeled down beside her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder, “Is there anyone you like me to call for you? I know you used to work with Dr. Webber in Seattle. Would you like me to call him?” 

“No,” Jo shook her head. “No it’s okay. I’ll be okay. I can take care of myself.”

“Wilson,” Dr. Baker’s stern voice warned. “You should not be doing this alone. And you definitely should not be staying in your apartment alone. If you aren’t going to call anyone to come be with you, then you should let us help you. Why don’t you stay with my wife and I for a few days until we know he’s gone?”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

“You won’t be,” Dr. Baker shook his head. The older gentleman was not taking no for an answer. “Stay with Lisa and I. Just for a few days. Until Friday.”

Jo sighed, “Okay, fine. Thank you.”

“Of course,” Dr. Baker squeezed her shoulder lightly. “I’ll have my assistant give you my address so you can head over there as soon as your shift is over today.”

Jo thanked him again and watched as her chief walked away, leaving her in the hallway alone. Jo searched around for the nearest on-call room and reached into her pocket for her phone, dialing a number as soon as she walked inside. 

“Hello?”

“Mer?”

“Jo? Hi. What’s going on?” Meredith answered, the sound of the hospital buzzing in the background. 

“He came, Meredith. My husband? He came and found me. He was here. He came to the hospital,” Jo felt her body shake as she recounted the day’s events. 

“Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” Meredith asked frantically.

“No he didn’t hurt me. But he threatened me. I think,” Jo shrugged.

“What do you mean you think he threatened you? Jo, he’s not even supposed to be within a thousand feet of you. We made sure of that.”

“He told me to watch my back. He said he wasn’t going to make this easy for me,” Jo sniffled and wiped a couple straying tears. 

“Jo, I think it’s time to tell Alex.”

“No. No, Mer we can’t tell him. He doesn't deserve to get caught up in my mess. It’s my mess. I’ll deal with it.”

“Don’t be stupid. Don’t play the martyr.”

“This isn’t about me playing a martyr Mer,” Jo huffed.

“Then what is it? Because I’m not understanding.”

“He didn’t choose me!” Jo exclaimed. “That day he told me that he was going to marry Izzie, I told him that I’d do it. I’d divorce Paul. If he wanted to be committed, if he wanted to be married, that I’d get a divorce. Even though I was terrified of this exact thing happening, I was willing to do it for him. I was willing to put it all on the line to just be with him and he still chose her. He chose Izzie. And I can’t get over that Mer. I can’t get over the fact that the one person that I love more than anything in this world, saw that I was willing to give it all up for him, and still didn’t choose me.”

“Derek chose Addison, and now look. Addison is in LA and Derek and I are married.”

“That’s not the same and you know it,” Jo sighed, a few tears escaping her eyes. “Derek was married before you two met and fell in love. Addison cheated on him with his best friend. He chose her out of commitment and loyalty to his marriage. Alex didn’t do that. Alex chose Izzie because he wanted to, knowing that he had the option of marrying me. After promising me over and over again for the better part of a year that he’d wait for me and telling me that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. It’s different.”

“Is it though?” Meredith asked. “Because at the end of the day, both of them chose women they didn’t truly love. And both of them suffered because of it.” There was silence on the other line for a moment before Meredith spoke up again, “Look, at the end of the day it’s your decision. But I think you should know that he still talks about you. At the most random moments, too. They’ll serve hotdogs in the cafeteria and he’ll comment how you hated the hotdogs they’d serve. Or we’ll be passing by a patient and their family and he’ll mention how you used to have the same scarf as the woman in the group. Or when he’s talking to a kid and they tell him that their favorite color is blue, he’ll say ‘that’s my best friend’s favorite color too.’ Not a day goes by where he doesn’t think of you, Jo. Just think about it.”

“We’ll see,” Jo let out a breath. “I need to get back to work. I’ll talk to you later.” 

“Alright. Please be safe, Jo. Goodbye.”

After hanging up the phone, Jo buried herself in her work until it was time to leave. She drove over to Chief Baker’s house and was welcomed in with open arms and a hot meal on the stove. The few days she stood there were nice. Dr. and Mrs. Baker had been married for thirty-seven years and had two children and five grandchildren. Mrs. Baker—who insisted on being called Lisa—was actually a nurse practitioner that had tons of experience working with ICU and CCU patients.

For the first time in a long time, Jo felt like she had people. The Baker residence was warm and welcoming and nothing like the many homes she grew up in as a child. The Bakers cared. Maybe that’s why she found herself opening up to them about her past and why she was hiding from Paul in the first place. Along with their help and some digging done by their daughter who was a private detective, Jo was able to find enough information on Paul to give her lawyer to put together a strong case that would ensure that Jo was granted all of the conditions of the divorce she sought after, mainly that Paul would not be able come near her and hurt her after the trial was over.

On the day of the trial, Jo was absolutely terrified. She was about to confront her abuser in court and did not know how to handle the nerves coursing through her. She wanted to vomit. She wanted to cry and run away and never look back. She wanted to change her name again so that Paul would never be able to find her. 

But that was the easy way out. She’s done enough running in her life to know that fleeing never truly solved anything either. It only made things painful. Still, Jo couldn’t shake the nerves she was feeling coursing through her. For the first time since this process began, she cursed her stubbornness for making her feel like she had to go through this alone. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Jo spotted something that caught her attention. It was an old pay phone, much like ones that she hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. Jo walked up to it and searched around her purse for some coins to get the phone to start. As soon as it did, she found herself punching in the phone number she knew so well and waited as it dialed. 

“Hello?”

Jo let out the tiniest sob, “Alex.”

“Jo? Jo! Oh my God, is that you? Are you okay? Are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Jo’s sobs grew louder and stronger as she heard his worried voice on the other line.

“Jo, what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?”

Jo placed a hand over her mouth and attempted to quiet her cries, “No, I’m okay. I just… I really needed to hear your voice... I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Alex breathed out. Even though she couldn’t see him, Jo could picture Alex’s face scrunched in sadness and worry. “Please come home.”

“I can’t,” Jo shook her head. “I, um, I’m doing something today. Something that I probably should’ve done a long time ago. I almost chickened out, too. But, I know I need to be brave. And I need to be strong. Anyway, I just wanted to hear your voice one last time before I go through it. You make me brave.”

“Go through with what? Jo, don’t do anything stupid. Please. I know I hurt you and I probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, but please, I need you safe. Wherever you are. So, if you’re gonna���”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be,” Jo felt a few tears run down her face. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you needed back then.” 

“All I needed was you. That’s still all I need.”

“I wish that were true,” Jo whispered and wiped her face. “You probably won’t hear from me after this. I wish things were different, but they’re not.” She paused. “I love you. Goodbye.” 

Jo hung up the phone quickly and took a deep breath, running her sweaty palms along the skirt of her dress in hopes of calming some of her nerves. She knew now what she had to do. She had to step into that courthouse and break things off with Paul once and for all. 

Back in Seattle, Alex was pacing frantically in the resident’s lounge, trying to call her back only to find out that the number she’d called from was a payphone. 

“Dammit!” Alex yelled and punched a wall. It had been almost two years since he’d spoken to Jo. Two years of wondering and worrying if he’d ever see her again, only to hear her voice on the other line of a pay phone for about thirty seconds. Alex sunk down onto the floor in the corner of the lounge and ran his hands over his face, trying to conceal the tears that were slowly falling down his cheeks. “Dammit. Dammit.”

“Alex?”

The voice startled him, causing him to look up at the source. Cristina was hovering over him with a concerned expression on her face. “What the hell is going on?”

Alex shook his head and wiped angrily at the tears, “Jo called me.”

“Jo? Jo called you?” Cristina raised her eyebrows. “Is she okay?”

“She was crying,” Alex trembled slightly at the thought of the conversation he’d just had. “She said that she was doing something today, but she wasn’t sure if she should go through with it and she wanted to hear my voice one last time before she made her decision. She told me she loved me and that I probably won’t hear from her again, then she hung up. I tried to call her back but she called me from a freaking pay phone, Yang. Who the hell uses a pay phone these days?”

Cristina stood silent and sat down beside Alex, waiting for him to say what he needed to say. After a minute, he spoke again, “I just keep getting these horrifying scenarios in my head. She said she wanted to hear my voice one last time… and all I can think is, what if she’s going to hurt herself? What if she's going to hurt herself right now and I’m not there to stop her? She’s done it before. She told me she almost ended it all, once when she was back in college. When she was with… but she chickened out and didn’t do it. I swear to God, Cristina, if she dies… I don’t know what I’d do.”

“She’s not going to die,” Cristina shook her head. “She can’t die. I’ve lost too many friends. She isn’t allowed to die.”

“This is all my fault.”

“No it’s not,” Cristina squeezed his knee. “You aren’t responsible for the decisions other people make.”

“This time it is though,” Alex bit his lip as he looked out into the empty lounge. “I’m such an idiot. I love her. I still love her… I always screw myself out of everything good.”

“You’ll find each other one day. You’ll see her again and be together and be happy. I have to believe that,” Cristina sighed. “Now get up off the floor and wipe your face. You’ll scare the kids.” 

————

-Pray for tomorrow, but for today-

-All I want-

-Is to be home-

After Jo’s divorce was finalized and the legal protections were put in place, she considered returning to Seattle. For the first time in almost a decade, she was finally free to do as she pleased. To live her life without the fear that Paul still had the upper hand. Because he didn’t have the power anymore. She’d made sure of that. In her quest to gain her divorce, Jo found out about other women who’d been abused by him in the years since she’d left New Jersey. All of their testimonies led to victory in the civil case against Paul and the beginnings of a criminal trial thanks to the charges being pressed by Paul’s current girlfriend, Jenny. The criminal trial was the main reason Jo decided to stay in Florida. She wanted to be there to testify and see the look on Paul’s face when he finally got what he deserved. 

Still, sometimes Jo would look out the window of the hospital she worked at, see the rain, the cars, the bustling, and remember the friends she’d left behind. The family she’d grown to love and care for. But the longer she remembered that, the sadder she got. It hurt too bad to think of all the what ifs. It hurt to picture her people moving on without her. 

So, Jo did what she did best. She worked. She worked hard to make sure that she was focused and the best in her class. Jo got the best surgeries, she had every attending surgeon’s attention, she was a rock-star and was even in the process of raising up her own set of baby interns. 

Being away was hard, though. Jo found herself walking up to the nursery and NICU to look at the babies like she and her friends had done so many times their intern year. There was something precious about that period in life. Something so fresh and hopeful and exciting. Maybe that’s why she gravitated towards maternal-fetal and pediatric surgery. It helped that the hospital she was working at was nationally ranked in obstetrics and gynecology. She found herself spending more time on the L&D and peds floors of the hospital, assisting complicated and rare surgeries. By the time she was in her fifth year of residency, she’d decided that maternal-fetal surgery was the way to go. She found so much joy in safeguarding the future of the tiny little lives that would soon be brought into the world.

Her purpose in life wasn’t the only thing that she found on the L&D and peds floors of the hospital. It was also where she met Jason. Jason Myers was an OB resident she found herself spending an increasing amount of time with. He was hot and charming and funny and he was the first guy Jo truly dated after leaving Seattle. It was casual and fun, something that Jo hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

They’d been together for about four months when Jo noticed a couple red flags. It started when she began traveling for her fellowship interviews in the last few months of her residency. Jason began to get demanding and possessive. He grabbed her roughly on a couple occasions and had stumbled into their apartment completely wasted and smelling of another woman’s perfume. 

“I think I’m going to have to break up with my boyfriend,” Jo sighed as spoke into the phone to Meredith.

“You’re finally going to break up with that asshole? Thank God,” Meredith replied. “Jo, you could do so much better.”

“I know. You were right,” Jo rolled her eyes as she pictured Meredith’s smug face. Before she’d even started dating Jason, Meredith told her that it was a bad idea, despite having never met him. “It was just so easy in the beginning. Sure it’s been fun, but I knew it would never be more than just this. But for the past month, he’s just been so mean and nasty. A complete douchebag. I don’t have time for this. I’m leaving for Michigan in a few weeks, for crying out loud.”

“You know, Dr. Herman still hasn’t filled her Maternal-Fetal Surgery Fellowship position yet. You should reach out to her and see if she’ll take you into consideration,” Meredith suggested. 

“Mer, the Maternal-Fetal Pediatric Surgery Fellowship at UMich is a fantastic program,” Jo said as she continued to walk down the halls of the hospital. “Besides, I don’t think I’d be able to face Alex after all these years.”

“Jo, you wouldn’t have to,” Meredith paused. “Alex got into Hopkins’ Pediatric Surgery program.”

“He what?”

“Yup,” Jo could almost hear the smile in Meredith’s tone as she filled her in. “He’s going to Baltimore to be a peds fellow.”

“That’s amazing,” Jo breathed out. Truly, she was so proud of how far he’d come in his career. “I knew from the moment you talked about the Africa project that brought you Zola that he’d be going into peds. But Hopkins? God, I wish I could tell him how proud I am.” 

“I’d say you could always call him, but that suggestion would fall of deaf ears,” Meredith chuckled lightly. “Anyway, he’s leaving so there's nothing stopping you from coming to Seattle. Come home, Jo. I’m sure UMich is great, but Herman is the best of the best. Plus, we’re here. Me, Cristina, Lexie, Bailey, your new niece. We’re all here in Seattle. Come be with us.”

“You know what, I think I will apply,” Jo said after a moment. “I’m tired of running. 

“I’ll email you Herman’s contact information,” Meredith exclaimed excitedly. “Good luck with your break up.” 

“Haha, thanks.”

—————

-People I've loved, I have no regrets- -Some I remember, some I forget- -Some of them living, some of them dead-

The plane crash was the true turning point for Jo. That call wrecked her in ways she didn’t know she could be wrecked. She wanted to go over there as soon as possible, but Jo still had two weeks left of her residency to complete before she made her final decision about which fellowship position she would choose. However, as soon as she was relieved from her duties at Mayo in Jacksonville, she found herself engaged in a very nasty break up with Jason and lugged all of her belongings across the country. Four days and some three thousand miles later, Jo found herself on the doorstep of the frat house face to face with a tired looking Meredith. Jo immediately wrapped her arms around her friend as she cried for the sister she’d lost. Jo rubbed comforting circles on Meredith’s back before she looked up and locked eyes with Alex. He froze and if it weren’t for the small child he was holding in his arms, Jo was sure he might’ve passed out with the way his eyes widened in disbelief.

Jo ushered Meredith back into the house and motioned Alex to the door, where he went to grab her bags and pull them inside. Meredith grasped at Jo’s arms as they sat side by side on the couch, “Lexie is dead. Mark is dying. Arizona is dying. Cristina won’t speak. Derek’s arm is ruined. And I… I don’t know what to do.” 

“It’s okay, Mer. I’m here. I’m here,” Jo smoothed down Meredith’s hair soothingly as she attempted to keep her own tears at bay. “You don’t have to worry about that right now. You don’t have to be in control. You don’t have to care of everyone. Just rest. You need to rest.”

A couple hours later, Jo was sitting on the couch with Meredith’s head on her lap, finally sound asleep. Jo had been staring out the window, lost in thought when she heard a couple footsteps come down the stairs. She looked up and saw Alex staring at her with a strange expression on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” Jo breathed out in response.

“I just put Zola to sleep,” Alex pointed up to the second floor. He stared at her in silence for a minute more before speaking. “You’re here.”

“Yeah,” Jo gave him an almost imperceptible nod. “I’m here… what are you doing here? I thought you were going to Hopkins.”

“I told them I needed to hold off for a month because of Robbins. How do you know…?”

Jo motioned to the friend that was currently asleep on her lap, “We’ve kept in touch.”

“You what? You guys talk to each other?” Alex asked, his brow furrowing. 

“Yeah. About once a week,” Jo whispered nonchalantly. 

“You two talk to each other. Once a week?” Alex scoffed. “And you didn’t think to, I don't know… maybe call me? Meredith didn’t think to tell me that she was in contact with you?”

“I asked her not to say anything,” Jo eye’s moved away from his face to look at Meredith’s sleeping form. 

“I was worried about you. I thought you were dead,” Alex glared at her. 

“Wait, what?” Jo’s face wrinkled in confusion. “Why would you think that?”

“Because of that phone call a year and a half ago!” Alex whisper-yelled. “You called me from a freaking payphone, sobbing and said that you needed to hear my voice one last time before you went through with ‘it.’ I had no idea what the ‘it’ was. You have to know what that must’ve sounded like from my end. I’ve been playing that conversation over and over again in my head for the better part of a year and a half, wondering if you killed yourself.” 

“No, Alex I would never… I mean, I know I tried it once, but I value my life now. I would never do something to intentionally harm myself.”

“Then what the hell were you doing calling me and scaring me half to death like that?” Alex crossed his arms and looked at her seriously. 

“I…” Jo took a deep breath. “I got divorced from Paul that day.”

“You’re free?” Alex’s face softened slightly.

“I’m free,” Jo confirmed, eyes watering. “I got legal protections that day as well and I made the decision to testify in Paul’s criminal trial that would determine whether he was guilty of the charges his then-girlfriend, Jenny accused him of. I wasn’t the only girl he abused, but I got to make sure that he never gets the chance to do it again. He’s currently serving five years in prison for domestic violence, abuse, and a couple of other charges.” Jo paused. “I called you because I almost didn’t walk into that courtroom. I couldn’t bear the thought of being in the same room as him, even with everyone else around. But you always did have a way of making me feel like I could do anything.” 

The pair got quiet. They stood in the tense silence before Alex asked the question he’d been wondering since she walked in through those doors, “How long are you here for?”

“I’m here to stay,” Jo shared. “I’m Dr. Herman’s newest maternal-fetal surgical fellow. I came as soon as I could when I heard about the crash.”

“Maternal-fetal? What happened to ortho?”

“What happened to plastics?” Jo's mouth twitched up into a small smile. “So, peds, huh?”

“Turns out I’m great with those little suckers,” Alex chuckled lightly.

“Me too,” Jo smiled shyly. “I’m especially good when they’re in-utero though.” 

“Guess I’m the out guy,” Alex shrugged, a comfortable smile on his face. 

“Yeah,” Jo bit her lip lightly. “Where’s Izzie?”

“You don’t know?” 

“Don’t know what?” Jo tilted her head in question. “Oh God, don’t tell me she died or that her cancer is back.” 

“No,” Alex breathed out a laugh. “Well, honestly, I don’t know. We got divorced. I haven’t spoken to her since then.” 

“You what?” Jo’s jaw dropped. “What⎯when did this happen?” 

“About four months after you left.” 

“I need to go,” Jo gently moved Meredith’s head from her lap and slipped on her shoes, making her way towards the door.

“Where are you going? You just got here?” Alex moved close. “You can’t leave, not with Mer like this.” 

“Relax, I’ll be back before she wakes up. I just… I need to get out of here. I need to get away from you,” Jo walked out the door into the warm June night. 

She considered finding a hotel or going to the bar, but Jo was too exhausted from her four day trek to Seattle to go anywhere. She unlocked her car and jumped into the back seat, situating the seats so she could sleep there for the night and avoid the many, many problems until morning. 

In the days and weeks following, Jo became an invaluable asset to Meredith as she navigated the many hardships that came with the plane crash. She moved into her tiny apartment and Jo began her fellowship and started working at Seattle Grace Mercy West once again, to everyone’s pleasure. For the first time in forever, Jo was surrounded by people that she knew and loved, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was utterly alone. Maybe it had to do with the fact that ever since that night she arrived, she hadn’t talked to Alex. Apparently he must’ve noticed, because one day he got fed up. 

“Jo, come on. Please talk to me,” Alex grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty on call room. “You’ve been back for over a month. You’ve talked to our friends. You’ve been getting to know Avery. You got friendly with Kepner before she got fired. You helped Cristina pack her things to go to Minnesota. You can’t ignore me forever. You’re a fetal surgeon. We’ve already had five cases together this month alone. Are you just trying to hold out until I leave for Hopkins? Well guess what, I’m leaving tonight so time’s up. You need to talk to me.”

It was true. In the month since their conversation at the frat house, Jo and Alex had an unusually high number of cases together that required that they spend quite a lot of time together. However, aside from the hours in the OR that she was required to spend with him, Jo found herself purposely avoiding him. The past few days had been especially difficult for her as she found out some unexpected information and was doing her best to avoid him so as not to fall apart in his arms. 

“Shut up, Alex. Shut up before I punch you in the face, because I swear to God I am so angry with you right now,” Jo was seething, doing everything in her power to keep from screaming at him. 

“What the hell did I do? I haven’t had a chance to get on your nerves,” Alex scrunched his face in confusion.

“You haven’t had a chance?” Jo threw her arms up in the air. “You divorced Izzie?”

“First of all, she divorced me,” Alex held up a finger. “Secondly, why the hell do you care?”

“What do you mean why the hell do I care? How dare you screw this up? I left and practically handed you to her. But you went and divorced her? And now you’re some man whore who doesn’t care where he sticks it?” Jo threw her hands up angrily. “How the hell could you let Izzie go? Why didn’t you chase her and beg her to stay? Why didn’t you swear you’d do better? Why didn’t you fight for her?”

“Because she wasn’t the one I wanted to fight for!” Alex shouted. The room went silent. So quiet that you could probably hear a pin drop. The pair stared at each other tensely, no one daring to move. Alex finally huffed a breath. “I could’ve fought for her. I could’ve made it work. But I didn’t want to.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Yeah I know.”

“No, I’m serious Alex. Do you know how ridiculous you sound right now?” Jo clenched her jaw. “Why did you even marry her?”

“I—I don’t know,” Alex shrugged. 

“I don’t know? I don’t know? That’s probably the most moronic thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth. And that’s saying something because you’ve said some pretty stupid things,” Jo turned to face the wall and leaned her head against it. “I told you not to do it. I told you not to marry her. I told you that I was willing to put my own safety at risk to be with you and you chose her. You still chose poor, sick Izzie. You chose her and broke every single one of the promises you made me. Then you got divorced? And you didn’t even bother trying to fight? What the hell was it all for?”

“Don’t act like you’re innocent in all this,” Alex scoffed. “You were the one who left me. With a fucking letter, of all things! You didn’t even have the decency to say it to my face.”

“Because you wrecked me!” Jo yelled. “I gave you everything I had to give. I let you into my life, my bed, my heart. And somewhere along the line you decided that I wasn’t good enough or worth the wait. And stop talking like we were together. We weren’t together when I left! We were never together because you squashed that possibility before we even got the chance!”

“It doesn’t matter because you were my best friend! You were my best friend and you left and didn’t say goodbye. You didn’t leave a phone number, an email, and address. Nothing. You just disappeared. And when you did, it felt like I was a kid all over again. With no one who loved him or cared around,” Alex retorted.

“That’s a load of bullshit,” Jo spat. “You had a wife. You had friends. You had your home. Me leaving didn't completely upend and disrupt your life! I lost my home. I lost my best friend. I lost the only family I had ever known all so that you could have a chance at making your marriage work. Because I knew that if I was around, you’d only feel guilty. So I took myself out of the equation. I did it for you! I loved you enough to lose you, to let you go. Do you have any idea the amount of pain I’ve been in the past three years? Wishing I was here in Seattle, but constantly reminding myself that I left so that you could have a happy life with Izzie and so that I could heal. So imagine what a punch in the gut it feels like to find out that you haven’t even been with Izzie. You’ve been sleeping around with anyone and everyone easy enough to let you get into their pants, while I was in pain, all alone in Florida with nothing and no one but my chief of surgery and my douchebag ex-boyfriend.”

“Well things weren’t exactly sunshine and rainbows here either! But you wouldn’t know because you weren’t here! You’re so wrapped up in how much it all cost you and how much you sacrificed, but I never asked you to do any of it! You decided what was best for the both of us. You decided to leave, when all I wanted was to have you around. Because I have never loved anyone in my life more than I loved you. And that probably sounds pretty screwed up because I married Izzie, but it’s true. Do you know what a slap in the face it was when you left? Do you know that I cried in shower every once in a while because I missed you? And it wasn’t even the sex. It was the friendship. I missed your voice and your laugh and your advice. I missed you. But you decided to pretend like we didn’t matter and didn’t bother to leave me a way to contact you. So, let me make this easier. We don’t matter to each other! Not anymore because I’m done!” Alex bellowed. He took a steadying breath and laughed bitterly. “You know what, it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m leaving tonight anyway and you’ll never have to see my face again. Have a nice life.”

Jo waited until Alex finally turned around and walked out of the on-call room before she crumbled onto the floor in tears. She pressed a hand to her chest and tried her will herself to calm down, but it was too much. None of it was supposed to be happening this way. She wasn’t supposed to come back to Seattle only to find out that Lexie died, Cristina left, and that Mark Sloan was getting unplugged tonight. She wasn’t supposed to see Alex at all. She wasn’t supposed to find out that he was divorced. She wasn’t supposed to watch him leave her. She wasn’t supposed to be making one of the hardest decisions in her life like this. Maybe that’s why she took out her phone and looked for Jason’s phone number and hit the dial button.

After he left the on-call room, Alex was a whirlwind, trying his best to make it to the airport with no more interruptions. What he didn’t bank on was running into Meredith. 

“Hey! So that’s it? I’m not even as good as one of your intern girls, huh? You’re not gonna say goodbye to me?” Meredith stood in front of him. 

“Mer, what are you doing here?” 

“Don’t change the subject,” Meredith narrowed her eyes. 

“Don’t make this a thing,” Alex rolled his eyes.

“Don’t make this a thing? Mark is dying right now, and that’s it. You’re just gonna leave too?” Meredith shook her head in disbelief.

“I’m just—I’m gonna be on the other side of the country. We’ll talk—“

“That’s what Cristina said. It’s not the same thing,” Meredith frowned. “Nothing is the same. Everything is different. Everyone is leaving and everyone is dying.”

“Don’t make this my problem,” Alex scowled. “I’m finally getting the hell out of here. I can’t keep standing around being the guy that should’ve been on the plane that crashed. I shouldn’t be here, Mer. I should be dead. Or I should’ve left months ago.” 

“Alex!” Meredith grabbed on to his jacket as he tried to walk away. 

“Get off,” he pushed her hand away. “Look, I’m not going to stay in Seattle just because you don’t want to be alone.”

“This isn’t about me not wanting to be alone. Because I won’t be alone. Jo’s here now, remember that? Remember the girl you’ve been in love with since our intern year? The one you’ve been pining over ever since she left three years ago? Well, you’re finally in the same city again. Are you really going to let that go?” Meredith stared at Alex intensely. 

“Jo doesn’t want me here. I just cause her pain,” Alex replied simply. “It’s time for me to go. I need to get out of Seattle Grace Mercy Death. I need to build a home and Hopkins won’t wait forever. I have a plane to catch, so, bye.”

With that, Meredith scoffed and turned on her heels, walking away. 

Alex watched as his friend walked away in anger and frustration. Shaking his head, Alex turned around and started towards his terminal. He was about to board the plane when he realized that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave and upend his life without knowing that it was the right thing to do. 

That’s how he found himself sitting at the bar beside Meredith at the terminal lounge. 

“What are you doing here?” Meredith asked. 

“Hey! Who is that?” Cristina’s voice sounded from Meredith’s iPad. “Point me.” 

“I’m sorry about before,” Alex cast Meredith a sideways glance. 

“You should be,” Meredith raised an eyebrow and sighed. “I’m sorry, too.” 

“I thought he said he was leaving⎯I thought you said you were leaving,” Cristina commented. 

“The guy replacing Robbins is gonna mess the place up,” Alex moved his face into the view of the screen. “Besides, I don’t even like Boston.”

“So what are you saying?” Meredith scrunched her face.

“I couldn’t get on my plane, okay? I couldn’t go,” Alex admitted. 

“You’re saying you ditched the flight because you chickened out?”

“What a loser,” Meredith’s mouth twitched and she pulled Alex in for a hug. 

“You’re staying for Wilson right?” Cristina looked at him expectantly through the video chat. 

“I don’t know… maybe?” Alex shrugged. “All I know is that the thought of leaving without trying to at least fix my friendship with her makes me feel sick. I don’t even know why I care, though. She obviously doesn’t. She left me once, who’s to say she won’t do it again?”

“Wow, you are an even bigger idiot than I thought you were,” Cristina shook her head. “Of course she cares. Who do you think made your medical decisions or paid your bills after you got shot?”

“Wait, what?”

“Jo called me after the shooting. When we realized that she was your proxy, she took a plane to Seattle, decided on the best course of treatment, cried, held your hand for a little, and left all before you even had a chance to wake up,” Meredith shared. 

“She did?” Alex struggled to comprehend how he’d never known about her trip all those years ago to take care of him. 

“Yeah, she did,” Cristina nodded. 

“So, did you just ditch tonight’s flight and you’re planning on taking another one another day or are you going to stay for good?” Meredith waited for him to reply. 

“I don’t know yet,” he shook his head. “I don’t know what I should do.”

“I think you know what you need to do,” Meredith eyed him carefully. “Alex, you found your family in Seattle and now you have a second chance to fix things with Jo and you’re really going to leave?”

“You know, I’ve been trying to leave Seattle because for the longest it just didn’t feel like home,” Alex took a swig of the beer that the bartender had placed in front of him. “I felt like I didn’t belong. I wanted to go and find a place that felt like home, but I guess I’m realizing that home was never a place. It’s Jo. It was always Jo and now she’s here and I’m not about to be the idiot that runs away from home again.”

“So, you’re really going to try? You’re not gonna screw up and break her heart again? Because you know that Jo could do so much better than you?” Cristina asked pointedly. “I’m asking because I’m protective of my hairball and I won’t hesitate to come beat your ass if you do. Fear of flying be damned.”

Alex let out a soft laugh before growing serious again, “She deserves better. She deserves someone better than me. But I don’t want her with anyone else. So, I guess I’m just gonna have to be better. I have to become the man she deserves, because she’s everything. She’s home.”

-All I want-

-Is to be home-

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[soft-ris]

Hi! I'm not sure if u still have slots for CP but if so could I have one? my top 3 from hq are bokuto, iwaizumi + miya atsumu! im 5'5, she/her w long dark brown hair w the front half of my right side dyed white, green eyes + tan skin. I'm super bubbly, loud, naturally flirty + my love language is physical touch! I love working out and I'm a huge foodie. I'm stubborn + impulsive, luv rain/storms, coffee + pda. I ramble but I'm a gd listener, a night owl, v playful + luv teasing 1/2

im spontaneous, optimistic, passionate + ambitious! I'm empathetic + love comforting others! I'm emotional, confident, bold, giggly, energetic + observant! I'm also straight forward and try my best to be upfront about my feelings. I love autumn/winter, cooking + outdoors but also love cosy nights at home! I also really like protective people! Thank u sm in advance if theres still space <3 2/2

Cupid’s Pick for your match made in heaven is...

... Iwaizumi!!

...long dark brown hair w the front half of my right side dyed white.

All of them would find that super cool, like the unique style of it, their reactions would just vary.

Iwa would be wide eyed and go ‘wow’. He’d definitely stare, but in a good way because he’s 100% admiring the way you look with this style. There’s just no hiding that admiring look on his face, he can’t even if he tries tbh. He just thinks it’s so mf cool. Would subtly bask in the praises you get bc ‘hell yeah she’s fucking cool, that’s my girlfriend >:)’. Would compliment you for sure, simple and to the point, and you just know he means every word because his personality is like that.

Atsumu & Bo would be louder and more verbal & show-off-y. Lots of like ‘omfg this style is so cool?!?!?’. Would even go as far as saying ‘we matchBIXKJSANJC’ (especially Bo since the dyed colour is the same), since they have dyed hair themselves, and would also 100000% take pics and show them off to Osamu & Akaashi and their MSBY teammates and even post about u on their accounts bc they’re just so excited uwu

It’s also a given that they would change their wallpaper to u with this hairstyle ASAP uwu

I also really like protective people!

All of them are pretty protective in their own rights, I feel? The difference would be how they deal with the thing or person making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

I feel like Iwa would have no qualms being a sort of shield between you and that problem. If someone’s bothering you, he would step in between u and the person/people and bring you away from them AFTER (respectfully) glaring at them and telling them they’re making things uncomfortable for everyone. He’s quite observant too, having dealt with Oikawa’s personality and habits for a lot of his life, so he would be able to tell when you need his protection and when you can handle yourself. Tbh even when you can handle yourself, he’ll already be inching towards you, wanting to be by your side just in case it turns ugly. And if it ever turns ugly (which is fucked up because why tf would anyone wanna fight Iwa when he’s packing all those muscles??), ya know he won’t be fucking around. He may be a respectful man, but that doesn’t mean he won’t twist the person’s arm with a little more force than necessary if they tried to do shit to u. After the mf’s taken care of, he’ll take you some place quiet and make sure you’re alright, feeling safe and comforted by treating you softer than usual. Will also bring you your favourite snacks to help you ease your nerves and end the night on a better note. Overall, 10/10 boyfriend because your comfort and safety means a lot to him uwu <3

Atsumu would probably veeeery publically embarrass them by calling them out, and you know his words cut deeeeeep. He’ll be keeping a hand on you throughout the day/night, that’s for sure, until you’re home again. Just that touch of his to make sure you’re by his side and doing alright.

Bo would probably get angry (whether in a cute pouty way or in an intense anger would depend on the situation), unintentionally call them out (which would be hella embarrassing for the other person bc god they made BOKUTO angry??), and then he would just start trying to make sure you’re okay. He’d start being really touchy like cupping your face, hugging you from all angles, & etc. He’ll bring you home asap if the situation calls for it or if you ask him to or if the person isn’t gone from the space, but would probably stay if you tell him it’s alright and you’re okay now.

I think the both of them are protective in their own rights, but something about Iwa being really perceptive and having that strength and reliability to his personality that would probably make you feel the safest (based on yours and his traits).

I love working out and I'm a huge foodie.

IWAIZUMI HAJIME, (27), ATHLETIC TRAINER. CHAMPION OF ARM WRESTLING, AND EVERY SPORT IMAGINABLE.

I don’t think I need to say more, it’s all right thereKSKSKSK

He’ll work out with you and become those perfect work out couple goals. 1000000000000000000% for sure. And he’s an athletic trainer, so he knows how to help you maximize your work out.

I can also see him eating a lot with you on your food trips. Sure, his diet is pretty balanced, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to eat, and especially on cheat days he’ll happily indulge in the more ‘unhealthy’ foods with you.

I also don’t think he’ll be trying to control your diet, but maybe tell you stuff like ‘eat more veges/protein/etc.’ if you don’t eat properly. He cares for you and your health is important to him too. But if your diet is pretty good and balanced as is, then he’ll be a little more relaxed knowing you’re not surviving on only junk foods and sodas lol

I ramble but I'm a gd listener, a night owl, v playful + luv teasing.

GREAT because I can see Iwa appreciating very much that you’d listen to him talk on about his rough day, gush the monsters he finds super fucking cool (like Godzilla), rants about Oikawa being a shit head (again), and so on.

I can see him being a great listener too, always nodding along and taking in what you ramble to him. Giving comments and insights too if he can. And if he doesn’t have the capacity or energy for that (most probably bc work was draining or he isn’t having a good day), he’d tell you straight up (if you didn’t catch the physical clues he displays). Politely and to the point, without malice.

Oikawa is teasing and playful with him, so he’s practically built to handle it like a pro since childhoodKSKSKSK

But he won’t resort to violence with you ofc, just with Oikawa <3 depending on the nature of your teasing, he’d either roll his eyes and maybe bump your shoulder lightly (or some other light form of contact), or he’ll try to tease you back. I can also see him blushing and asking you to shut it if your teasing grants that kind of reaction if yk what I meanKSKSKS

The night owl bit, he understands, but would tell you sometimes to not mess up your schedule and to sleep earlier if you can because that’s just how he shows that he cares. If you point out that he sounds like a nagging mom, he’d pop a vein and tackle you (softly) and drag you to bed and be a little kid about it like ‘HA what can u do now that u can’t escape my arms?? Who’s a nagging mom now??’. Y’all would 100% end up in giggles UWUWUWUWUWU

I'm stubborn + impulsive, luv rain/storms, coffee + pda.

I can see Atsumu & Bo loving and basking in the PDA more than Iwa, because that shit makes him flustered so hard and he has to take a while to get used to having someone show him such bold displays of love. But I feel like Iwa would really grow to like it tho uwu

All 3 of them are kind of stubborn in their own way? If y’all disagree on something, I can see Bo & Iwa coming to a compromise with you easier than Atsumu.

Iwa would make you a cup of coffee just the way you like it every day when you wake up because it’s his actions with the littlest things that show you the loudest how much he loves you. He’s also great with holding you back on your more dangerous and rash and potentially harmful impulses, like the reliable figure that gives you good reasons and talks you out of reeeeaaally bad decisions, but he’s also a whole Gemini so he’ll indulge in your impulses with you more often than you think heh heh

I'm also straight forward and try my best to be upfront about my feelings.

That’s a great trait for all of the boys tbh, because all 3 of them needs someone like that due to their personalities.

Atsumu would understand that you’re not playing mind games and he wouldn’t then try to play it back or burst into flames. Bo would be thankful because he can just take your words as is. And that’s the same for Iwa too. While he’s observant and can probably read between the lines no problem, straight forwardness just makes things easier for him because he’s pretty straight forward too. And I feel that if he can count on you for that, then he’ll be probably allow himself to rely on you more.

If you praise them, they’ll know you mean it too and they’ll be real happy about it uwu

I'm empathetic + love comforting others!

Another great attribute for all 3 of them. Bo & Atsumu melts in a more obvious way (and in the moment) when you comfort them and when you empathize with them, but Iwa? It’s in the way he squeezes your hand right after, the look in his eyes are soft and so is his grateful smile. It’s in the way he hugs you later in bed, curving into you like a cat, arms secure around you, and he whispers a very tender ‘thank you’. It’s in the way he kisses you good morning the day after, hand on your cheek as if he’s holding the world in it, and he feels like he is. I’d say it’s more quiet with Iwa’s display of gratitude, but it’s just as loud as the other two, there’s no doubt about that.

I'm super bubbly, loud, naturally flirty + my love language is physical touch! I'm emotional, confident, bold, giggly, energetic + observant! I’m spontaneous, optimistic, passionate + ambitious!

Your outgoing and naturally flirty self would probably capture all 3 of their hearts, with Iwa putting up a little more fight than the rest (he doesn’t take it as him being special, but falls for your sweet words regardless bc he likes u so much).

Bo & Atsumu would satisfy your love language more, both looking like they’re very comfortable in showing you they love you in that way. Iwa might be a more muted than the 2, but if y’all are dating, he’d always have a hand on you somehow. Whether its holding your hand, a hand on your back, on your cheek, & etc. Like he just finds a way to always have contact with you, especially when he finds out your love language if physical touch. He’ll put in the effort, that’s for sure.

Atsumu might not do as well with your emotional trait? He doesn’t mince his words, and even if he tries to be softer with you, it’s not 100% that he’ll change that part of himself. He’ll try to comfort you, apologize and sooth your wounds if he hurts you bad, but it’s how he is with his words – blunt and (mainly) unfiltered. Iwa isn’t blunt, I’d say? He knows what to say and when to say it and how to say it, and he’s also caring, so I feel like he’d do very well with this trait of yours.

Being energetic meshes pretty well with Bo bc he’s pretty energetic himself. Iwa himself has a lot of energy, so he would most definitely keep up with your energy no problem.

Every other trait I can see doing well with Iwa. He’d admire it, and some would even push him further too by feeding off your traits too.

[jonthethinker]

Together Or Alone?

Since I finally have a few days off work, I want to get weird and really dig deep into why I personally enjoy the Mighty Nein and its particular breed of found family so much, and why the dynamics between its members are so satisfying for my heart in particular. Let’s get unnecessarily deep, shall we?

You may not completely understand why I think this would be weird, but you’ll understand fairly quickly as I get started.

I’ve been on a sort of spiritual journey, in a way, over the course of this most eventful year. A small part of me feels bad that while so much suffering is going on, and so much of the world feels like it’s falling apart, I’ve been making positive strides in determining my place in the grand scheme of things. But a larger part of me is just really grateful to finally find a bit of internal peace after years of not having it, of finally having some bit of quiet in a mind that’s never been able to still itself long enough for any such thing.

I haven’t exactly found religion, but I have given more shape to how I best want to imagine our universe and my humble place in it, and I’ve finally started asking the right questions.

One of those questions stands above the rest, and it’s the question I’ve decided the Universe Itself is asking; Together or Alone?

I started seeing attempted answers to this question everywhere. In the universe bursting outward, yet huge masses of it clinging together to form all we know and can perceive. I see it in wondrous solar systems forming and spinning in a rippled field of mutually affected gravity; and I see it in the black holes that can form, and tear and pull all that beauty into nothing. I see it in incredible ecosystems where the life and the land combine to form what feels like its own organism, larger than just the sum of its parts; and I see it in the environmental devastation caused by our own actions, killing that organism, and in turn doing irreparable damage to the very spirit of our world.

I see it in humanity’s natural inclination for cooperation and concern for others; and I see it also in our inclination to be blinded by power and in that blindness, inflicting unspeakable harm on each other in order to hold onto that power. I see it in our bodies, organs one by one relying on each other in a perfect act of faith to form something greater than a liver or heart or brain could ever be on their own; and I see it in cancer, single-minded in its pursuit of self-replication by all means, all memory of belonging to something greater stricken from its damaged DNA. I see it in basic elemental particles, most of them ready and able for their eventual combination with other particles to build wonderful compounds with entirely new properties, adding untold dimensions of complexity to how our world works; and I see it in those small rogue particles the neutrinos, that can shoot off from a star for eons without interacting with a single thing.

The question and its many answers, and the dialectical relationships those answers have, are what I feel can really undergird all of our interactions with each other, all progress and all regress, all friendships and all rivalries. It’s there in all our stories and all art we create; Together or Alone? What’s your answer?

For me, the answer that felt like it escaped the singing lips of an angel, was, “Of course, together. Always together.”

It shapes my politics heavily. I’m a lefty, but its not just because I believe we’re all equal as individuals; it’s because I believe we are all a part of the same thing. We are all a part of that same great organism, that same great body. The Universe. God. Whatever you want to call it, though it needs no name. We are in this together because we are one thing from many different things, whether we like it or not.

But I’m not just blindly optimistic about this. I don’t think it works like this all on its own. It takes work and time. It took billions of years for solar systems to form. For single-cell organisms to band together into colonies and then evolve into multi-cell organisms. It took a while longer for creatures to stick together as families, for the mutual dependencies of ecosystems to form, and even longer for the first tribes and societies to form. It took time, and an incredible amount of energy and effort, and so much failure. We’ve hurt each other so much, that’s true. But it’s only by coming together that we’ve ever been able create anything new, anything Good.

The universe has a bias towards entropy; things tend to fall away and apart. So there’s a beauty in the struggle for togetherness. I’d argue that it’s the only source of beauty in the first place; the unity of forces interacting. The quest for togetherness gives my life meaning, drive, and purpose. And for someone who’s struggled with depression for so long, I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have purpose, especially for something bigger than me.

And by this point, you’re probably wondering when I’m going to stop sermonizing and actually talk about Critical Role. so here we go.

The individual members of the Mighty Nein are some deeply flawed and deeply troubled people, at least when we first met them. Some of them have done awful things, sometimes against their will. They’ve all been the victims of powers much greater than themselves, and as a result, have been left feeling frayed at the edges. They’ve all had hurts and been shaped by those hurts; whether it was loneliness, unfair expectations, or just being unfortunate enough to be different in all the wrong ways. Damaged is a word that carries unfortunate implications, as does broken; but it’s undeniable that you’ve got seven people who have all felt like Sisyphus when the boulder rolls back down the hill.

Some have taken this fate better than others, but it’s undeniable that these people have suffered, and in that suffering, gained nothing.

But then they met each other.

It wasn’t all roses from the get-go. You throw these people with underdeveloped social skills and an untold amounts of personal baggage, and you’ve got yourself some friction to say the least. But when they all met each other, they had nothing but their bodies and their hurts. They were total equals. Even when the Mighty Drei met Caduceus, they had just felt like they lost everything, and they were meeting someone who had no one. They all started together at their foundations, and over time, built something I think is truly beautiful.

This process hasn’t been perfect. Beau, for instance, can still be totally rude and abrasive to strangers and outsiders (and I love that about her), and still has a hard time swallowing her pride long enough to ask for help. Caleb is very much struggling with his trauma, and that path is never a straight line of progress for anyone. Jester for the longest time still didn’t really want to feel any negative emotions around the others, and her own pride has gotten in the way of owning up to how new she is to all this. Yasha bears a great deal of guilt for a great many things, and while she’s making strides, it’s still left its mark on her. Veth has come so far, but doesn’t know how to reconcile the contradictions between the two lives she wants as both a mother and an adventurer. Fjord has a deep desire for answers, answers that may open up a lot of wounds that have started to heal in the Mighty Nein’s care. And Caduceus refuses to share his troubles, his doubts about how much his time with Nein has fundamentally changed him from the boy his family knew all those years ago.

That’s a lot of hurt, and some of it will never go away completely. But it’s like how our bodies have all of these vestigial functions that no longer serve any purpose to it, and make our daily lives in office chairs or standing in one place all day harmful to our health. Or like ancient seas whose waters are long since gone, but have left their undeniable mark in the shapes of canyons and mesas, in the colorful layers of sedimentary rock they leave behind. The past is an unavoidable factor in how everything in the universe gets to take shape, but the present finds a way to adapt. And we people get to choose how to adapt. And the Mighty Nein chose caring about each other as their method of adaptation.

And the thing of it is, I don’t think its just having people finally caring about them that has allowed them to come as far as they have. I think it’s also the act of caring, the act of serving others, considering how the path you wish to take will affect someone else, that has really pushed them to this great place we currently find them in. I truly think there something inside of us that wants to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, and that in the moments we feel emptiest it isn’t because of what we lack on the inside but the connections we lack on the outside, and it’s the systems we inhabit that make us think otherwise. I see this so clearly in the Mighty Nein. If left all on their own, in the cruel worlds we first found them in and have learned they came from, I see seven people going on seven unique paths of self-destruction; but together, they can build something greater than themselves, that thing being the Mighty Nein.

I really do think the Mighty Nein is like its own entity. They are something totally different when they are together, like seven different elements that came together to form a compound with entirely different characteristics. It’s why the work so smoothly together in combat. Why, when the pressure is on, they tend to work as a relatively well-oiled machine. Why they hurt so much less when they are with each other. It’s like up-scaling from an atom to a cell, a cell to an animal, an animal to an ecosystem.

This togetherness is why I love the Nein so damn much. It’s reaffirming at a deep level for me. The story that they are telling, and the one forming without their active intention even being involved, is a wonderful thing. Stories about togetherness are my bread and butter; it’s why I’m a sucker for a good romance or found-family narrative, because I love it when people come together to make something more than them, making one plus one equal three. There’s nothing quite like it. And Critical Role has it in spades.

And it’s not all about the depth of answering some spiritual question. I enjoy the potty humor and the eight people just trying to fuck with each other and make each other laugh. I enjoy the silliness and joy and endless pop culture references. But also the act of eight friends coming together to make a show where they create a beautiful, silly, heartfelt story together has its own sort of spiritual resonance with me.

I also want to establish that I understand that this is a company selling an entertainment experience to me. They aren’t just doing this in the spirit of togetherness, they are doing this to strengthen their careers and incomes. I get that. But in the end, it’s all a part of the dialectic. It’s all motivation for me to continue working towards building a world where people can make wonderful art like this without worrying about building a career out of it or paying the bills. It reminds me of how much work there is to be done, but also of all the work that’s already been done.

Critical Role has its flaws, but it is a wonderful thing and I’m happier everyday I’m reminded it exists. The Mighty Nein are probably my favorite found family ever, and lately, a very powerful affirmation for my own journey. I do wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences, with this artwork or others like it. If so, I’d love for you to share them with me.

[neodiji]

I don't think you'd be better off dead. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, and I wish I could help you. For what it's worth, I know how difficult it can be to just get through the day when you feel miserable and so tired of everything all the time. It may feel like cowardice not to take yourself out of this world, but please know just taking one breath after another is a huge act of strength and courage. EVERY day is a huge victory when it takes everything you've got just to make it to the end.

I hope you have someone in your life you can reach out to, but if not, please find a community online or a crisis hotline for your country. You may think you're not a 'bad enough' case if you're not actively at risk for self-harm, but everyone deserves someone to talk to when they're feeling down and hopeless. You will find the other side of this one day, I know it.

-+-

This means so much to me, and I truly appreciate you reaching out with such love and support. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to respond. I’ve been very limited with my online presence recently because it’s just been Too Much. And while sometimes the Internet can be a great place, it can also be very painful. I’ve been working through a lot lately and I’d like to say I’m in a better spot than I was a month ago, but unfortunately mental illness is never a truly linear process. But right now, at this moment, I have a more optimistic outlook on life and my place in it.

I don’t think I could get my point across if I said “thank you” a zillion times because honestly, this means more than you realize. It’s nice to know that even when I hate myself, other people don’t. This ask has ALREADY helped me. 

I think I’ve been pretty open about my mental health issues on the best of days, but with everything going on in the world now and just...some other things that happened IRL plus online, everything felt too much to handle. Everything was pain. I saw no future. I felt trapped. Powerless. And God knows I can be dramatic, but I also really, truly wanted to die but felt too scared to take that step. It did feel like cowardice, to be perfectly honest, which just made me more upset with myself.

But, good news. I found a new therapist, so I’m starting to grow a bit more hopeful. I was seeing my old therapist for so long when he wasn’t helping me just because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by leaving, but I finally cut ties. My new therapist seems to have some ideas about steps I can actually take to heal, instead of just making connections to my childhood about why I am the way that I am. Again, God knows I’m flawed and have my own issues. I also started staying at other family’s for a change in environment--including mental environment--which also helped. And, to be honest, taking a break from my online life helped, too. I’m not ready to jump back into it, but I am entertaining the idea of slowly dipping my feet back in and taking it one day at a time.

You’ve summed everything up beautifully and again, thank you for the support. I’m still here, because of you and people like you. I hope you know that I am always open to talk to as well, if you ever need anyone! <3

[ruthfeiertag]

Random Ruminations on Depression

Preamble:

I want to take back the word ruminate. The Online Etymology Dictionary explains that the word “ruminate (v.)” dating from the 1530s, means “'to turn over in the mind,’ also ‘to chew cud’ (1540s), from Latin ruminatus, past participle of ruminare ‘to chew the cud; turn over in the mind,' from rumen (genitive ruminis) ‘gullet,’ of uncertain origin.” Merriam-Webster Online Gives the definition of ruminate as

transitive verb

1: to go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly 2: to chew repeatedly for an extended period

intransitive verb

1: to chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed : chew the cud 2: to engage in contemplation : REFLECT

https://pixabay.com/photos/pensive-female-woman-window-staring-580611/

But psychology — and in general I have real respect and genuine gratitude for the healing and support psychology and psychotherapists provide; if I kept a gratitude journal, my therapist’s name would be on every page — has come near to ruining this apt word that perfectly expresses the way many of us need or choose to take the time to ponder and deliberate rather than hasten to judge or get embroiled in the consequences of an ill-considered decision. Psychology, as a field, has decided ruminate should mean obsessively thinking about whatever is bothering one, over and over and over… 

I think one of the reasons this definition has become popular, not only among psychologists, but in the general public as well, is that we have such short attention spans and have come to prize speed over all else. We rush to embrace technology that robs us of our privacy, we don’t stay to watch the credits after a movie (unless there’s an added scene), we expect to know the results of every election before the votes are all counted. Take a breath, people. Being ruminative used to be a positive attribute, one that indicated one was a careful, thoughtful person, not inclined to fling one’s self pell-mell off a cliff. Now it is a weakness, a character flaw that indicates one brings one’s misfortunes upon one’s self because one can’t control one’s thoughts. 

Join me in my mission. Let’s rescue ruminate. Start using it in its proper sense. Fling it with abandon into your philosophical conversations: “I was ruminating upon the meaning of life the other day and wondering just what 42 really has to do with it.” If someone tries to push you into making a snap decision, say, “You know, in order to give you the thoughtful answer you deserve, I need to ruminate on that for a day or two.” When next asked to describe yourself, pause for a moment,  then declare, “I am an attentive, measured sort of person with a ruminative cast to my mind.” (Just don’t tell anyone you’re a ruminant. That will totally undermine our goal.) 

And after we save ruminate, we’re coming back for you, enable.

*****************************

Every so often, the New Yorker slips a suggestion for an archived article into the Inbox of my e-mail. That how I came across Andrew Solomon’s article, “Anatomy of Melancholy,” that appeared in New Yorker’s January 12, 1998 issue. It’s a pretty harrowing description of the depths down to which depression can pull person, and of the biases that still pertain when it comes to admitting to others or to ourselves that we have a mental illness and, worse, might be so “weak” as to need chemical (or electrical) interventions. As I moved through the essay, I can upon this proffered bit of wisdom:

Accuracy of perception is not an evolutionary priority. Too optimistic a world view results in foolish risk-taking, but moderate optimism gives you a strong selective advantage. “Normal human thought and perception,“ Shelley Taylor writes in her 1989 book, Positive Illusions, “is marked not by accuracy but by positive self-enhancing illusions about the self, the world, and the future. Moreover…these illusions are not merely characteristic of human thought; they appear actually to be adaptive.” As she notes, “The mildly depressed appear to have more accurate views of themselves, the world, and the future than normal people. [They] clearly lack the illusions that in normal people promote mental health and buffer them against setbacks.”

hulki-okan-tabak-SKadYI4E7OM-unsplash-scaled

So — why are those of us with depression and accurate perceptions the ones who are mentally ill, while the “normies” with their illusions are the ones who are considered sane? Why are we the ones who are seen as less evolved? Am I the only one who thinks this assessment is a little bit off?

************************************

  In a recent car commercial, actor and apparent guru Matthew McConaughey ruminates (see how easy it is to just slip the word right into a sentence?) out loud about the process of identity formation. He muses 

“Knowin’ who we are is hard — it’s hard. Eliminatin’ who you are are not, first, and you’re gonna find yourself where ya need to be.”

OK: first, shouldn’t the logic of the first sentence — the search for identity — lead to a statement about finding out who one is rather than where one is? I guess that’s what happens when one infuses manufactured sagacity into an advert for a vehicle. And never mind the lack of parallel structure in the second sentence.

But what I keep thinking is, “What if we, as is recommended by Mr. McConaughey, eliminate all the people we are not, only to realize there’s no one left?” That’s kind of who-where I keep finding myself.

*********************************

An ethical dilemma: At the recommendation of a friend, I picked up Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by Daniel G. Amen. M.D. I haven’t read very far into it, but so far there are some sensible observations about the practicality of having one’s brain scanned for damage so one knows whether medical or psychotherapeutic remedies are most likely to be beneficial. However, on page twenty-nine, our friend the doctor discusses thing that hurt the brain and things that help the brain. Under malign influences, Dr. Amen notes that “even spending time with unhealthy people [is] bad for the brain.” OK: I can see how that can work.

In the next paragraph, Dr. Amen lists things that can boost the brain. This list includes the point that “In many ways, the best thing you can do for your brain is to spend time with healthy people. As we will see, they are contagious. I often say the fastest way to get healthy is to find the healthiest person you can stand and then spend as much time around him or her as possible.” That also makes sense.

BUT — and you may already see the problem here — let’s say I’m a healthy person. I know an unhealthy person, someone with, say, depression, someone who would immensely benefit from spending time with me. Yet if I do spend time with that person, I’ll be engaged in an activity that will be detrimental to my own grey matter. On the other hand, if I choose to protect myself by shunning the depressed person, I’m selfishly depriving her or him of my beneficial “contagion” and preventing that person from attaining the flourishing cerebrum she or he deserves. (Unless, of course, that person has been ruminating. In that case, she or he deserves all the melancholy that infests her or his soul. [That’s an example how NOT to use the word ruminating.]) I’m either allowing harm to come to myself or withholding aid from another, which makes me a pretty lousy human being, and knowing that I’m a pretty lousy human will depress me.

Now let’s imagine that I am the unhealthy person, and I know a tremendously healthy person, in whose salubrious presence I never fail to rally. I have a lot of time on my hands. I easily could spend days with this person and notably sharpen my dulled mental functions and ameliorate my debilitating mood. However, by latching on to this bloom-imparting individual, I will be causing harm to that person’s well-being and will likely disrupt her or his equilibrium. That would make me an insensitive parasite, sucking the life out of someone for my own ends, and being such a draining leech would make me feel horrible and depressed.

So what to do? I hate lose-lose, damned-if-you-do-or-don’t, caught-between- Scylla-and-a-hard-place options.

**********************************

And then Will Wheaton put this up on his Blog:

報復性熬夜

Revenge Bedtime Procrastination, which has a much more beautiful name in Chinese (the literal translation for revenge bedtime procrastination means “suffering through the night vengefully.”), is a phenomena unique to people who feel out of control in their daily lives, so we refuse to go to sleep early, to exert some control over our lives, and to enjoy some quiet time alone, when the rest of our people are sleeping.

I should confess, straight up, that I am, by nature, a night owl. It runs in the family. But I love both this concept and its name. Between the depression and the M.E. and the State of the Union, I’m having an increasingly hard time getting any sleep. I just wish being AWAKE YES I’M AWAKE YES I DO KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS OH ISN’T THAT A LOVELY SUNRISE? would wreak some actual vengeance on the conditions and people who are responsible for my near-insomnia. 

 *****************************

Image by Stefan Keller from Pixabay https://pixabay.com/photos/fantasy-face-branches-woman-3317298/

I hope my ruminations provide some conceptual cud for your synapses, dear reader, to masticate at the pace of your choosing. And don’t forget: enable is still waiting for us to effect an heroic rescue, one worthy of our idiom.

[ahiddenpath]

2019 Recap

I try to look back and ahead every year around this time, and here we are again!  More below the cut.

Yikes, it’s been a crazy year, as anyone who’s been following the “hidden’s life” tag can attest.

I’m not sure where to start...  I guess with the biggest thing?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/Mental Health

2019 was basically the year that I had enough and hit a point where I was desperate to make a change.  I had known for years that I’d benefit from therapy (and now I sense that the vast majority of people would), but it never seemed worth the time, energy, and the vulnerable brutality that is facing, acknowledging, and accepting the scars crumbling my heart and memory.  And then, around March this year, I suddenly couldn’t go on carrying everything anymore.  

Desperate for change; I truly think that’s the best way to describe where I was.  Nothing less could have pushed me through the difficulties of therapy.  At the risk of being repetitive, it was like...  One day, I was sitting on the couch and going, “Nah, I’ll manage as is.”  And the next day, I was...  Wearing expedition gear and crawling along the jungle floor with a machete in my teeth.  Like, 0% to 1,000% overnight.

Basically, therapy is hard, intimidating, vulnerable work, and no matter how much you gently guide someone towards it...  It tends to only happen when the person feels that they can no longer go on without help.  I’d urge anyone who can feel the cracks forming to get help now, not after they become a full break.  But I also know that sometimes...  Sometimes, humans are only willing to acknowledge a problem when the pieces are scattered, and no illusions can remain.

It’s difficult, but I promise, it’s so, so worth it.  All the tiny, almost imperceptible steps I’ve taken since March stretch out for miles behind me.  I have miles waiting ahead, but I’m so much closer to the person I want to be.  I’ve learned how to prevent others from weaponizing my empathy.  I’ve learned when my thoughts and emotions stem from my anxiety, and not from me and the world around me.  I’ve learned how to establish boundaries and do what I want, and not what other people want me to do (usually for them).  I’ve processed a lot of the emotional abuse I faced, and although I thought I’d cling to the resentment a lot longer...  My grip is already loosening.  

It’s funny how much I actively wanted to continue nursing resentment.  Now, I think of it as a huge suitcase that I was stubbornly choosing to lug around everywhere.  Although no one enjoys carrying something heavy and harmful, letting go is difficult!  Best case scenario, I’d put down the suitcase and walk away...  But in reality, I’ve been opening it and leaving small parcels behind, one at a time.  I can only discard the weight of a hurtful event after I’ve faced it and processed it.  Even then, it never leaves.  The memory of abuse is simply archived in my memory, instead of riding me and living in my thoughts and emotions from moment to moment.

GUYS, EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW, I WANT TO SCREAM ABOUT HOW GREAT THERAPY IS!  I want to somehow give everyone else this same opportunity to grow and process things!  I wish I could!  I LOVE YOU GUYS, PLEASE LOOK INTO THERAPY IF YOU THINK IT COULD HELP YOU!

Family

I have an incredible marriage, my husband is my rock and the light of my life, and I guess those two cats are okay, too XD

I’ve come such a long way in managing my relationships with my extended family.  It’s about boundaries, realistic expectations, and prioritizing my needs.  There have been times this year when my family relationships sent me into a stress/anxiety spiral, but I’m learning and making progress.

Work

Okay, look: work is work, no matter what.  I still have trouble getting up, I still often feel like I will lose my mind if I don’t get a break.  I often wish I could somehow miraculously have a month off to do nothing; not travel, not do some big thing, nothing.  I literally want to sleep and eat and exercise and write and drink coffee for a month.

Otherwise...  Work has been amazing this year.  I’ve never been in a better position in my working life, and I’m thrilled?  Okay, so basically what happened is that my boss, my old supervisor, retired some time in... September?  And she promoted me before she left (hooray!).  The director of molecular biology asked me if I wanted to work for him, or be moved under another manager.  I don’t like this other manager at all (she has her people work an extra hour a day, often literally running-around-busy, and then tells them they don’t do enough), so I asked to work under the director, and this was granted.

The director doesn’t have time to make sure that every single second of my work day is booked, so I can actually take a lunch now, and even chat with coworkers.  He also doesn’t have time to plan experiments, so I’ve been learning so much!�� It’s amazing!  He explains what we need to do, and I figure out how to do it, and suddenly, I’m learning and reporting to other directors and understanding everything and I’ve never been happier at work.  

I’m a little concerned because money seems extra tight this year- my company could honestly fall apart at any time, because we don’t have a product yet, and the strain grows more visible as we continue to limp along.  But I can’t control that, so I’m going to do my best and enjoy where I’m at and learn and grow and be so grateful.

Health

I have a feeling that my health is going to be priority #1 in 2020.

I’ve been struggling with all kinds of things: aches and pains, gallbladder issues, digestive problems, low energy.  

Next year, I want to prioritize daily exercise and eating well.  Frankly, I’ve discovered that I love my life, and I would very much like to continue doing so for a long time.

Creativity

In 2019, creativity and exercise took a back seat to mental health.  I feel like I’m always juggling, but I can never keep all of the balls in the air.  It’s like...  I have the balls of job/adult obligations, mental health, physical health, relationships, and self actualization.  I pretty much held my adult responsibilities in one hand and my mental health in the other in 2019.  I really, really want to get all of the balls in the air in 2020, including my creativity.

It’s not as if I did nothing last year.  I won Nanowrimo (although none of the content is posted), I completed After August, and I’ve worked a bit on Seeking Resonance.

I’m hoping to complete Seeking Resonance in 2020, but mostly...  I just want to prioritize feeding my creativity and expression.  I’m not sure what that will look like yet.

Overall

One thing you might have noticed is that I didn’t keep a tally of things I accomplished/books I read/writing I did/trips I took/etc.  I used to...  Well, to use productivity to feel good, to convince myself that I hadn’t wasted my time.

Now, I know that productivity isn’t an indication of happiness.  Heck, achievements aren’t, either.  Right now, growing and caring for myself are my priorities.  I feel privileged to have this opportunity to focus on myself.  

As always, there are so many things beyond my control (political stuff, environmental stuff, unforeseen disasters, etc).  I have a lot of work to do on myself.  Regardless, I’m optimistic, I’m happy, and I’m ready.

I’m wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2020.  I love you!

[magicalgirlsofshoujo]

Hello Everyone

Hello everyone, after a very long time, this is Fuyu again.

To begin with, some apologies. I am sorry for disappearing without any notice. It was especially unfair to the people I was bringing on to help with the blog. I am sorry for thinking no one would really notice and letting my own self doubt and shame take the wheel.

I am also sorry that I somehow simultaneously missed a Cardcaptor Sakura revival and yet no real new magical girls of shoujo wtf.

Back on a serious note, I have some explanations. In my classic, "definitely could have said this in about half the words and with no proofreading whatsoever."

Oh gosh, this really does make me feel nostalgic.

I don't believe people have to share their personal lives if it harms them. So, don't let anything I say guilt you or your specific circumstance. Escapism is a wonderful part about fandom and the internet. Because the world is doodoo and we're all knee deep in it lately.

However, the fact that I had to run away and hide has as much to do with the nature of feel good escapism and fandom as it does with my own personal issues. What does a person do when the things they enjoy no longer make them happy?

For me the answer was to keep trying for a long time, because I felt robbed of what I love. Also, to some extent I felt I was prioritising trying to regain that feeling over confronting what was going on inside me. I did try a little bit to just take a step back. I reached out for more people to help with the blog when I started feeling the weight on me. But then getting helpers on board ended up becoming an effort in itself and my dwindling social energy just went into negative numbers.

That's why I just stood up and walked away. I had altogether too much to deal with in my brain and saying a proper goodbye somehow felt like another monumental effort.

That's also why feel an explanation of what I went through can be beneficial, because that is far from unknown in an anime fandom where otaku culture and its issues of toxicity are well known.

I do like to think I had a more wholesome attitude about it though. Teehee~

And since I was convinced no one would really care (brains are dumb) and was proven wrong upon my return even after all this time, I feel like an explanation for anyone who wanted one was warranted. Even if it's in classic Fuyu word vomit style.

I know I have always felt better when I've read stories similar to my own struggles. The feeling of, "I'm not alone!" is one that can't be underestimated. In addition, even in small areas like my little corner here, I think normalizing mental illness is a worthy cause. Everyone knows someone suffering whether they know it or not and such.

So, the short explanation is it turns out I've been living with undiagnosed ADHD. This was becoming a problem right around the time of my disappearance. For whatever reason the mechanisms I set up to deal with what I thought was laziness (primarily mainlining caffeine and forcing myself into deadlines to motivate myself) no longer worked and I would stare at computer screens where words would once come easily. This was a problem for the area of study that I loved and enjoyed so much. In my case it was also a big problem for the fandom I loved and enjoyed.

My words are all over this blog and I haven't written anything since I left.

Currently I am still exactly one course away from my undergrad degree, same as when this all started. This is at least partially because I was only diagnosed very recently.

Because I couldn't do these things I panicked and then would become extremely depressed. This was the incredibly visible problem and so when I got help I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. All are definitely true, but now we believe we diagnosed the surface symptoms and missed the underlying cause of adhd.

Instead of my anxiety, panic, and depression cycle coming from nowhere it was usually triggered directly by my lack of focus and motivation. So, years of focusing efforts on my, admittedly unbearable, moods ultimately always came up short because as soon as I felt well enough to try again, I would eventually hit the same wall in my brain and panic all over again.

The main reason I wanted to share this story is because of this difficulty in diagnosing. I don't want to get into the politics and economics of healthcare in the US that affected my care (suffice to say there were large gaps in treatment) because there's an element here that's a little more in my wheelhouse: gender.

I think the idea of gender bias in the medical community is fairly well-known, but essentially women's accounts of their symptoms are discounted by their own doctors.

This can be an issue with women and girls who suffer from ADHD because we do not match the visible checklist. Specificallyn regarding the "hyperactivity" part of ADHD. One explanation behind this, once I subscribe to, is that it's because girls are socialized differently and have different expectations.

Once upon a time, I fit the understood criteria. I would fidget all over my desk and talk to all my classmates instead of doing my work. Generally being a minor nuisance. The fidgeting issue was focused on the fact that I liked to wear skirts and that was unladylike. Going back through old report cards sees me labelled "chatty." I eventually learned to be quiet through social shame.

Honestly the gender bias regarding ADHD can be harmful for boys as well. My brother was tested at a similar age because he was disruptive and had a short temper. Nothing. They didn't acknowledge that boys being boys in the classroom might have been bullying.

I think these problems of both over-diagnosing and under-diagnosing have lowered since the nineties, but I know it hasn't gone away. There are many areas where it might have even gotten worse, especially with opioid epidemics making people suspicious of anyone who might use a medication that can be abused.

Naturally it should be said all of this is just my perspective on an ongoing journey, but I feel it's still a little worth putting out there. It's good to share our stories, because I didn't even realize I might have ADHD until someone else's little anecdote that "coffee calms me down because it makes my brain quieter." And there I was being miserable without caffeine because it's bad for anxiety.

They had even taken away my tea! DX

I feel like ADHD and similar stuff is even less uncommon in our circles too. Fandoms welcome those who feel left out by society and it's the perfect fit for those of us with intense devotion.

I'm still working my way through all this. I've been optimistic before and then fallen back into even worse holes than the one I was in when I left. But every climb out is an experience that makes the next one easier. It's an unfair to have to do at all, but it's worth doing rather than doing nothing.

As for what I'm actually going to do as FuyuMaiden and with this blog now, I don't know. This is the most I've written in a very long time and while it wasn't too difficult it was also very introspective. Stuff I have a lot of practice in dealing with my own mental health.

I'm definitely not going to force myself into anything. Especially since I haven't been keeping up with much. Like I look at cast lists for anime and I'm like "I don't recognize any of these seiyuu anymore!!! Am I old!?" Tentatively reblogging should be back up soon? Hopefully?

I think I'm going to make a discord for Magical Girls of Shoujo. Evey social media platform and phenomena is fragile, so it's good for us to have a backup. Plus I have faith in the stalwart eternity of gaming's need to talk shit. Discord will be around a while.

But I've been out of the loop so if there's any new places where fandom roams that I can also expand my ideals of magical cute stuff let me know.

And again, I am sorry for worry I caused. I love all of you and missed you very much.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What is your favorite color? Pastels, dusty rose, yellow, mint green. What is your favorite song right now? I don’t have a particular current favorite. Do you have any hidden talents? If so, what? Nope. Unless they’re still hidden from me. What is something you are shy about? I’m a shy person in general.  Are you double jointed? My thumbs are.

Do you have any deformities or birthmarks? I have a birthmark on my right elbow. What were you almost named? Andrea was a possibility. What’s your favorite dog breed? Labs and German Shepherds. If you don’t mind my asking, what’s your sexual orientation? Straight. What’s your religious or spiritual affiliation? Christian.  What’s something you hate being called, and why? Sensitive. I am sensitive, but I hate when people are like, “omg you’re so sensitive” or “stop being so sensitive.”  What are some of the meanest, most insulting things that have been said 2u? I’m the meanest person to myself. I put myself down all the time. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm. What do you get complimented on the most? If I get complimented at all, it’s usually my hair if it’s been recently dyed and styled, a shirt I’m wearing, or my purse.  Do you have any regrets? I have a lot. :/ What haunts you? My past mistakes. What do you regret the most? Some of my biggest regrets are health related. What do you beat yourself up about the most? The fact I’m 30 years old and not doing anything with my life. Worse than that, I have no idea what I want to do and I’m taking no steps to figure it out. I’m not working on myself like I should be. I’ve neglected myself in a lot of ways and I just feel....stuck.  How old were you when you started your period? 13. How bad are your worst cramps on a scale of 1-10? I don’t have a menstrual cycle anymore cause of health reasons, but when I did I had the absolute worst cramps. I had really bad PMS/PMDD. It really kicked my ass.  What’s the most physically painful thing you’ve ever experienced? The pain right after surgery and during recovery time is  h o r r i b l e. What’s the most emotionally painful thing you’ve ever experienced? Losing loved ones. Have you had your heart broken? Yes, a few times.  What one thing would you change about yourself if you could? There’s so many things, but I think if I could change my health, mentally and physically, other things could follow. Who has hurt you the most? Life, man. What are you passionate about? Umm. Do you feel like anyone really knows you? I think my loved ones, especially my mom, know me pretty well, but not completely. I don’t even know myself in a lot of ways I feel like. Especially not this person I’ve become over the past few years. Do you open up easily, or does it take you awhile to trust someone? It’s not really a trust issue with me, I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to others.  Are you ever shy in any situations? I’m a shy person. Do you feel shy around certain people? I’m shy around anyone outside of my immediate family. Like even my extended family I feel kind of shy around still sometimes.  Do you feel shy around people that you want to like you? Like I said, I feel shy around everyone. If I want them to like me, then it just adds to it and I’ll feel extra self-conscious and awkward. Who was your first celebrity crush? Aaron Carter when his song, “Aaron’s Party” came out. I was like 10 years old. How old were you when you had your first crush? 9. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? No. Do you pray to God regularly? Not as often as I should. Are you a Christian? Yes. Do you consider yourself a disciple of Jesus Christ? All Christians are. How old are you? 30. Do you cry in front of others, or do you hold it in until you’re alone? My family, especially my mom, has seen me cry numerous times, but I really prefer to do it alone. I’ll try to hold it in until I can be alone. What was your most embarrassing moment? Blah. Have you ever been bullied? Only by myself. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Yes. Was there ever a time in your life that you couldn’t cry? I mean, yeah? Sometimes the tears just won’t come. Other times I can’t stop them from coming. Do you have love and support from anyone, or do you feel all alone? I have love and support from my family, but I still feel alone in some ways. Do you trust anyone? My family. Do you want to get married? No. What is your dream job? I don’t have one. :/ Are you happy with your life right now? No. Which has hurt you more: friendship break-ups or bf/gf break-ups? My breakup with Joseph was really hard and it took me a long time to get over, but I did. Past friendships that I’ve lost I still think about quite often, some of which happened like 15 years ago. Losing Ty as a friend really hurt. I miss him a lot. Have you ever been abused? No. Were you abused by your parents? No. Are you parents divorced? No. Do you have chronic pain? Yes, and other chronic health issues. If so, is your chronic pain physical or emotional, or both? Both. Do you wish you could talk to someone and share everything? I want to try and see if therapy will be of any help for me. I’ve been saying that for awhile, though. :/ What’s your deepest wish right now? To be healthy. Have you ever felt loved? I know I’m loved by my family. I feel it. When was the first time you remember feeling loved (be honest)? I’ve always felt that way with my family. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many? I have 2 brothers. Are you the oldest, middle, youngest, or only child? I’m the middle kid. Do you have a twin? No. Have you ever wished you had a twin? I did when I was a kid. One of my is definitely enough... Do you have a sibling who looks just like you? No, but we have similarities.  Which family member did you get your hair color from? My mom. Which family member did you get your height from? My mom. I always thought I would have been tall like my dad, who is 6′0, but apparently I’d only be like 5′4. I was really surprised by that.  How all are you? ^^^ Do you ever cry yourself to sleep? I’ve done that countless times. What’s one song that makes you cry? There’s a few. One of them is the acoustic version of Everlong by Foo Fighters because of the memories attached to it. Do books ever make you cry? They have. What’s a book that’s made you cry? There’s been a few. Do you watch a lot of movies? Yeah, kinda. Books or movies? I enjoy both. How many states have you lived in (if you live in the US)? Which ones? Just one: California. What advice would you give to someone starting high school? Oh boy. It’s almost 3AM and I’m too tired to give advice right now. What advice would you give to someone starting college? What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self? Take better care of yourself.  Do you feel appreciated and cared about, or do you feel neglected? I feel cared about and loved by my family. I feel neglected by myself.  Are you wounded? I feel that way. Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. What advice would you give someone who’s having a hard time in high school? And we’re back to the advice thing... What advice would you give to someone who’s being bullied? Please say something to someone. Tell teachers, principal, parents, family members, friends...  Do you get bullied a lot? As I’ve said, the only bully in my life is myself. Are you sensitive? Yes. Are you hypersensitive to sound? I have selective sound sensitivity, like misophonia.  …to smell? Yes. …to sight (as in, you seem to see colors brighter than normal)? No. …to touch/to hot and cold? Yes. …to food/taste? (i.e., spicy food or hot food might be too much for you) Yes.  Do you write in a journal or diary? This is my diary. Do you like to write? I used to. Do you like the way you look without make-up? Nope. I didn’t look any better with makeup.  Do you think you only look pretty with a tan? I don’t think I’m ever pretty. Has anyone ever called you beautiful? Yes.  Have you ever been mistreated by a crush? Not by a crush. Have you ever loved someone who hated you/treated you horribly? He played and used me. Have you ever dated someone just to try it? I kind of think my first boyfriend (and technically only) was a bit of that to be honest. I was 16 and wanted to have a boyfriend. He and I were close friends and I did like him, but like I said I think that did play a part.  Are you adventurous? No. Are you spiritual? Yes. …creative? No. ..intuitive? I think so. …spontaneous? No. Not to say nothing spontaneous ever happens, but I’m not a spontaneous person by nature. …rebellious? No. ….free-spirited? No. …open-minded? I think so. …optimistic? No. …..loud? No. ….stressed out a lot? Yes. ….shy at times? I’ve answered this a few times nows, I’m a shy person in general. …….shy when you’re first getting to know someone? Uh, yes. …painfully shy? Yes. …apprehensive? Yes. …easygoing by nature? Somewhat, yeah. I’m one to just tag along. Have you ever had a rumor spread about you that wasn’t true? No. Not to my knowledge, anyway. Do you often get treated as if you are worthless? I feel that way cause my mind tells me that. Do you often fear getting in trouble (whether or not you’ve done anything)? No. Do you get stage fright? My fear of public speaking is very real. Definitely don’t miss giving presentations in school. It never got any easier or better for me. Do you compare yourself to others? Yes. What are your favorite physical features on yourself? I like my hair when it’s been recently dyed and styled.  Do you like your natural hair color? Meh. Do you like your eye color? Meh. I wish I had blue or green eyes. Are you short or average or tall, and do you like it? I’m short.  Are you happy with the way you look? No. Are you naturally an early bird or night owl? I’m a night owl. Here we are at almost 3 in the morning.  At what time of day do you normally feel your best? Never? What’s the biggest regret of your life? Blahhhhh. What’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you? Finding God, my family, all my doggos... What’s the best decision you ever made? Uhhh. All my mind thinks of are all my worst decisions. :/ What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever made? There’s been a lot of those. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done? Man, you’re asking the real questions. Too real for 3AM. Do you enjoy speech class? No, that was a nightmare.  Do you have neat handwriting? My handwriting is shit. Do you like your handwriting? Well, no. What is your name (first and middle), and do you like it? Stephanie is all you’re getting. What are you allergic to? Tangerines and I have seasonal allergies as well. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? 103. Have you ever been to the ER? Yes. Have you ever stayed overnight in the hospital? If so, why? Yeah, I’ve stayed a week, a couple weeks, and months after surgeries and when my accident happened. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Ever been questioned by the cops? Nope. …sexually harassed? No. ….sexually assaulted? No. ….been a victim of attempted rape? No. …been abused? No. …been bullied? This has been asked several times now. …been harassed? No. …been kicked out of a store because of the way you looked? No. …been kicked out of your house? No. …been the victim of a crime? Yes. ….been persecuted for your faith? No. …had someone try to shove their views down your throat? Yes. ….felt threatened for your life? Yes. ….felt all alone in the world? Yes. …felt like you were all alone in a world full of people out to destroy u? No, not in that way.  …felt ashamed to be human? Not to be a human, but being me. …felt ashamed of your faith? No. …felt self-conscious? Always. …cried yourself to sleep? Countless times. …cried on someone’s shoulder? Yeah. …cried so hard your whole body shook? Yes. …cried hard and wished you had someone to hold you? I like to be left alone when I cry, honestly. Are you superstitious? Eh, not really. Do you believe in astrology? No. Do you believe in the supernatural? Yes. Have you ever experienced anything supernatural? No. What’s one thing you find highly offensive? It takes a lot for me to be offended. What’s one pet peeve that you have? Eating sounds. Do you like long or short hair better? For myself? Long. Are you a cat or a dog person? Dog. Pineapple on pizza: yes or no? No. What’s your favorite pizza topping? Feta and ricotta cheese (in addition to the cheese that comes with the pizza already) and spinach.  Are you a democrat or republican, or neither? What’s one unpopular opinion that you have? I don’t like Nutella. :O Have you ever been healed of something supernaturally? If so, what? God. Have you ever encountered God? I’ve found Him in the sense that I wanted to seek Him out, build a relationship with Him, and study the Bible, which is what I’ve been doing for the past 2-3 years.  Do you encounter God frequently? When I pray and study His Word.  What’s the best encounter you’ve had with God? I’ve felt His presence and witnessed His healing. Do you pray daily? No. :/ That’s something I want to work on. I want to do that and I don’t know why it’s something I don’t do. Do you read the Bible daily? I finished my first ever read-through from start to finish a couple months ago, but the Bible isn’t something you just read once. I’ve been reading daily devotionals ever since I finished my read-through and there are passages included in them. I’m also about to start an online Bible study group soon. If applicable, what’s your favorite verse? I have several. Favorite worship song? I’m not familiar with too many, yet. If not daily, do you read the Bible regularly? Like I said, I finished my first read-through recently. I read everyday, often twice a day. The Bible isn’t something you read just once and you’re done. I’ll be reading it again and again and again. I’m starting an online Bible study group soon as well. Have you ever read the Bible? Well, yes... you should have started with that. What fascinates you? Psychology. What motivates you? What is the reason you wake up in the morning? Coffee, ha. Do you know your purpose in life? No. ^If so, what is it? I haven’t figured that out, yet. Do you believe you have a calling? I haven’t figured that out, yet.  ^If yes, do you know your call? ^If you do, what is it? Are you scared about the future, or do you take things day by day? I take things day by day, but yes I’m terrified of the future. Do you worry a lot, or do you put things in God’s hands? I worry all the time. :/  Do you believe in the power of prayer? Absolutely.  Have you ever witnessed a miracle? I believe so. Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Yes. Do you believe you’re going to Heaven? I pray that I do.  What do you think happens after we die? Like I said, I believe in heaven and hell. Would you want to live forever? Do you want to live forever? I believe in eternal life with Jesus. I’ll want to live forever when I’m with Him because I won’t be in this body or this world. There will be no pain, no sadness, no sickness, no violence, etc.  What’s your favorite mode of transportation? Car. What was your favorite class in high school? English and Spanish.  What’s your favorite color combination? Pastels. Are you colorblind? No. ^If not, do you know anyone who is? Nope. Have you ever taken a colorblindness test? * Ive taken tests like that online <<< Same. Have you ever taken a right-brain/left-brain test? I’m pretty sure. ^If yes, are you right-, left-, or whole-brained? I don’t remember. What is unique about you? I don’t feel unique. What were you voted in the senior class polls? We didn’t do those. Did you like high school? I liked some of it. Were you ever popular? Nope, and that was perfectly fine with me. Do you wish you were popular? Nope. I would not have the energy for that.  Have you ever been painfully shy? Jeez, how many times have you asked about shyness?? I’ve answered this several times. Do you have a painful past that you want to forget? I have painful things from my past and yet I wouldn’t say I want to forget them? I don’t know, it’s weird. Have you ever been mistreated by a cop? No. Who has betrayed your trust? Some people from my past. Do you forgive easily, or do you hold grudges? I forgive pretty easily.  Do you believe in getting revenge? Nah. Have you ever experimented with any sort of witchcraft? No. Do people accept you and your beliefs usually? I mean, not all of them and that’s fine. How outspoken are you? Not at all. How outgoing are you on a scale of 1-10? Zero? Which season is your favorite, and why? Fall and winter. I love the holidays and the weather. Do you worry about others liking you? Not so much anymore. Have you ever tried to impress someone? Yeah. Have you ever lied to impress someone? Probably little white lies. …dressed a certain way to impress someone? Yes. Which animals are you afraid of? ALL bugs. And snakes. And mice. And wild animals are scary, but thankfully I never encounter any except if I visit the zoo and I feel fine cause there’s protective barriers. If I were out in the woods and encountered a bear.... :O I do have a real irrational fear of killer whales; though, which I never encounter. I can’t explain that one. Do you kill spiders and ants? I personally don’t, but I get someone else to! What’s one animal that describes you, and why? Sloths. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. Do you celebrate holidays? Yes. Do you decorate for holidays? Yes. Have you ever had to avoid someone because you were jealous of them? I don’t think for that reason, no. ^If so, why were you jealous of them? What did they have that you wanted? What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Scruffy. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? I think I was 8 or 9.  Did you pray to God when you were a child? No. What is your favorite thing you’ve been for Halloween? I don’t know what I’d say my favorite was. I enjoyed dressing up for Halloween, though. Well, up until about 4 years ago when I was just over it. I still enjoy Halloween, I’m just over the dressing up part now. I don’t go anywhere or do anything anymore for Halloween except for just staying home, getting takeout, and watching scary movies.   Who is your favorite Disney princess? Ariel and Belle. Favorite TV show as a kid? Shows on Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, PBS, ABC Saturday morning cartoons, Kids WB, Fox Kids (or something like that). Favorite cartoon character? Alice from Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? Good ol’ vanilla buttercream is the best, but I also like strawberry, lemon, and cream cheese. Favorite fast food restaurant? I like McDonald’s, BK, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A, and Jack in the Box. I haven’t really been into fast food the past few months, though. Favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry. This may be old, but did you hear “yanny” or “laurel”? I think I heard Laurel.  Do you prefer silver or gold? I like both. What’s one color you look terrible in? Well, I don’t feel I look good in anything, so.  What are two colors you look great in? I feel most comfortable in black. Would you change your skin tone/complexion if you could? I’d like to be a little tanner. Do you think you look better with a tan? Still ugly, but I like being a little tanner. What color is your skin naturally? Pale. What state and country do you live in? California, USA. Do you think you have an accent? I guess we all do, but it’s weird thinking of myself as having one. It’s not recognizable or identifiable like other accents, such as a British one, a southern one, or someone from like Boston, ya know? No one would think, “Oh, she’s probably from California” just based on how I talk. Which accent is your favorite? Some southern and British ones. What store would you like to win a shopping spree at? I’d prefer like a Visa gift card so I could spend it anywhere. Do you think for yourself? Yes and no. We’re all influenced or persuaded in some ways, sometimes subconsciously. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many? What are they of? Nope. What piercings do you have? Just my earlobes. Have you ever been rebellious? Ha, the most “rebellious” thing I did was smoke weed.  Describe your style in high school. Freshman year I was very girly and preppy, sophomore year I went through my emo phase, and junior and senior year it was just like teeshirts and jeans. I also liked accessorizing a lot.  What is your style like now? Leggings and graphic tees, all day everyday.  What one word best describes you? I don’t know. What one word best describes your room? Giraffes. ha. Who was your first roommate? I’ve never had one. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Mr. Coffey, my sophomore history teacher. He was really cool. He was a huge fan of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and played them all the time before class. We talked about music and stuff. I was really into the band Hawthorne Heights at the time and he’d play them sometimes, cool. Looking back, he honestly reminds me of Rob Dyrdek both in how he looked and how he acted. …least favorite teacher? I didn’t have a least favorite, really. None of my teachers were horrible or anything. What is your least favorite color, and do you ever wear it? Brown. I have one pair of brown leggings. What are your top three favorite colors? Pastels (I’m grouping them as one, shh), dusty rose, and yellow. Favorite fruit? Bananas. Favorite vegetable? Spinach and broccoli.  Favorite flavor of tea? Peppermint or Chamomile.  Tea or coffee? Coffee all the way. Are you flexible (physically)? No. Favorite coffee shop? I really just go to Starbucks. Favorite Starbucks drink? White chocolate mocha, caramel macchiato, and some of their seasonal drinks. When is your birthday? July 28th. What is your zodiac sign? Leo. ^Does it fit you? Nope. I’m the complete opposite of a Leo. What is your Chinese zodiac sign? *shrug* What genres of music do you listen to/like? I like various genres. Do you read a lot? I haven’t been lately. I’ve hardly read at all this year for some reason. I need to change that.  Do you like to read? I do. Are you organized? I used to be more organized.  Do you eat healthy? No. How often do you eat out? We get takeout a couple times a week usually. What’s something you want to change about your life? A lot of things... Do you wish you had more control over things? Absolutely. How do you express your anger? Cry. Have you ever reached your breaking point? I feel like I reached it long ago. Have you ever lived past your limits of endurance? I’m still here. Who do you miss? My loved ones who have passed. Do you pray in tongues? No.

[aced0g]

Be Your Worst Self

I was tagged by @loveydoveypiperwright​ , so thank you! I’m sorry I haven’t done a tagging game in a while but I’m getting there :DD

Rules: Take this quiz for your character(s) and post the results!

I’m gonna tag @fallout-and-dragon-age​ & @ace-amatus​ but thats only if y'all want too. Have fun if you do!

So for my ocs its going to just be easier to go by the personality type rather than list each oc out individually cause there would be a lot of overlap, that being said, here we go~

You Are an Emotionally Volatile Nightmare:

Your heart guides you and sometimes that’s not as dreamy or romantic as it might sound. It’s true that your feelings often inspire you to heal and create, and as long as those feelings don’t steer you wrong, you’re capable of truly visionary accomplishments in the name of empathy and love. Feelings, though, aren’t always gentle and sweet. You know that better than anyone because your own emotions -the same overwhelming forces that inspire you to make the world a better place - can take you to very dark places, especially if you believe that the subject of your ire has shown unwarranted cruelty toward you or something you hold dear. You know that your feelings aren’t necessarily rational, but that doesn’t stop you from dramatically blaming other people for causing you pain. Of course, you might not even stop at crying; that notoriously brilliant creativity might even spur you to express your wrath artistically - nothing says “emotional stability” like a morose, vengeful poem.

-Evander Virani: Does it match up? Yeah I’d say so. He’s experienced a lot of trauma and while most of the time he pushes his emotions down or tries to act like a positive “everything’s going to be okay!” person he’s about one bad thing away from having a breakdown. When he’s truly happy its one of the few times he can just forget about his problems and enjoy the moment. Most of the time he’s in this in between stage of pure terror and extreme sadness. It makes him appear like he has a level head. When he’s angry though it tends to lash out as a literal burning rage. He loses control of his magic and sort of engulfs his arms in flame and takes his ire out on whoever pissed him off (he hates being angry because it scares him. He doesn’t like losing control). His creative outlet is forging knives and swords. He does want to heal though, he’s tired of being the cause of destruction. He wants to help and heal, not only others but also himself.

-Aspen Lavellan: Does it match up? Kinda? I wouldn’t call him volatile. Aspen’s got a pretty level head on his shoulders. He has learned how to act diplomatic. When he is presenting himself as Inquisitor to the public imagine a Raymond Holt type of personality. When he’s with friends though he likes to pull pranks and just have a good time. He doesn’t want to be serious all the time because it makes the situation feel bleak. He wants there to be positivity in his life. Though, I would say that when he is truly angry it’s a type of silent wrath that’s terrifying. You can see the burning hatred in his eyes and he has the skill to hit his target with three arrows before they even know whats going on. When he’s truly angry he will keep fighting until he’s completed his goal or he dies trying. He does carve dalish patterns into his bow so that could be considered creative? Aspen is a protector. He wants to help others, keep them safe and that could translate into healing. He does what needs to be done to keep people safe, and sometimes that means making the hard decisions that others can’t.

-Arthur Cousland: Does it match up? Yeah. Arthur’s usually able to stay in a good mood. He’s an optimist and doesn’t like to bring people down. He’s gentle and wants to help heal and create. It’s why he enjoys playing his lute and singing. Songs can inspire people, or at the very least cheer them up. He may be a noble but what he does with that sort of money and power is give it away to others. He gives his coin to those on the street who need food, or he’s been known to give his blanket away as well saying he’ll just buy another when they reach the next town. He’s got a big heart and he wears it on his sleeve. The only way he can hide when he’s sad is if it’s raining so that the rain can hide his tears, or if he goes off on his own for a little while (he hates burdening others with his problems and often leaves for an hour or two to just climb a tree and have a good cry, though Alistair catches on and works with Arthur to realize its okay to let others help him when he is sad). When he’s angry it’s hard to think logically. He listens to his heart and when he feels betrayed or that someone is going to bring harm to his friends or the people he’s protecting he will fight tooth and nail to protect them and kill whoever is provoking them.

You are a Narcissistic Monster: 

You’re the best - right? Wherever you go, the spotlight finds you, and you’re hardly complaining. you can’t imagine your friends care, since, after all, you’re so generous. Well, that’s what you like to think about yourself. You’re generous, enthusiastic, and fun, so if you compulsively steal the spotlight, it doesn’t really matter. If you fuel drama just to feed your thirst for a dramatic life, is it really that bad? Is it really so wrong for you to be the center of attention? Does it really matter how other people feel about it in the long run? Of course, you’d never say no. You’re the generous friend, and you’d never hurt anyone on purpose just to keep all eyes on you... right? Every now and then, you imagine your funeral and how all of your friends will go on and on about how wonderful, magnetic, charming, and generous you were. 

-Sorian Surana: Does it match up? No, not really. He’s cocky, headstrong, and a bit of an asshole sometimes but I wouldn’t call him narcissistic. He’s proud of himself, and yeah he’s proud of himself and takes pride in his looks but not because that’s all he cares about. Sorian is a trans-man elf mage who was mistreated in the circle and then joined up with the wardens and transitioned. He went from thinking he would have no future to being one of the legendary Grey Wardens, and then he actually looks the way he’s always wanted to! So of course he’s going to seem a little vain or narcissistic sometimes, but it’s only because he never thought he’d make it this far. And, if he’s being honest, he fucking hates the spotlight. He’d much rather be just one of the Wardens instead of The Hero of Ferelden, Arl of Amaranthine, and all those other titles. He’ll be in the spotlight, but it doesn’t mean he enjoys it. Besides, he should be allowed a little bit of cockiness (mages in The Awakening DLC are so OP by the end of it, literally Sorian knows so many spells and can conjure the dead turn into a bear, wield a great ax while shooting fire storms at people, and at the same time have a constant aura of changing elemental magic that deals damage to his enemies.)

You are Shockingly Violent:

There’s no getting around this: you desperately need to attend anger management. You’re just as headstrong and opinionated, and your energy and enthusiasm can turn into explosive violence at the drop of a hat. You’re a walking time bomb of seething rage, and the more you try to hide it, the more it escapes in unpredictable, volatile mood swings. Do yourself a favor and invest in a stress ball or gym membership before you do something you really regret

-Kyra Lavellan: Does it fit? Yeah. She chose the Reaver specialization for a reason. Kyra is a very energetic and enthusiastic person. She does what she feels is right and gets upset when people don’t see that she’s doing the right thing even if it might not morally line up with their beliefs. As a kid she’d often get into fights with the other kids of her clan and was always sporting some sort of bandage because of it. She has a better control on her outbursts as an adult, but she still lashes out especially when she’s in pain or very annoyed. Her anger is great in battle though. She fights with the ferocity of a dragon and won’t admit it out loud but she does enjoy having the power to physically shred her enemies with her hands. Before she knew how to control the reaver power she would keep attacking, sacrificing her own health to get the job done and make sure the others were safe. Once she learned how to keep conscious and keep fighting things went a lot smoother. 

-Alrik Hawke: Does it fit? Kinda? Hawke’s in denial really. He wants to protect people and make them happy, it’s why he chose to be a spirit healer, why he’s always cracking jokes and trying to get others to smile. He does have a lot of anger though. It’s just under the surface, though its quite hard to really bring out. See Alrik is a werewolf and his anger is tied very closely to the wolf, so for him getting angry isn’t just an outburst of words it means he could lose control and shift. He doesn’t want that. He keeps a tight lid on his anger and it only really comes out in moments of extreme stress, like the deep roads or when slaver’s are trying to recapture his best friend, or when people keep calling Merril a monster, or when Templars get too close to Anders. Okay so maybe he does have a lot of anger. Like I said he’s in denial. 

You are a Two-Faced Liar:

Your friends know you talk behind their backs. Not that you’re a bad person - you just can’t help letting other people know how you really feel about some of the crazy stuff your loved ones have told you. Unfortunately, you’ve talked and talked and talked, and now, they all know you’ll talk if they confide in you. You know it, too, and you still can’t help it. No matter how hard you try, you simply can’t force yourself to be as loyal or honest as you want to be. At least you’re charming enough to keep making new friends and replacing the ones who felt too hurt or betrayed to trust you again.

-Zachariah Hawke: Does it fit? Yes and no. Zach has a big heart, but as a rogue he knows sometimes it’s better to lie and be dishonest. I think this would have been more of a problem back in Lothering, unable to keep friends because he keeps telling his parents about them and over sharing, not out of malice but because he gets so excited that he just needed to tell them. I think over time he would become the one with no friends and as an adult he knows how to keep his mouth shut. The only person he really overshares with now is Varric, and later Fenris when they’re in their relationship together. Zach isn’t trying to hurt anyone by talking about them he just... can’t keep all of their problems locked up with his because it’s too much. Zach’s the type of guy that smiles to hide what he’s going through and he wants to help his friends so much, but to keep it all inside would cause him to fall apart. 

[knight-intraining]

Gwen's guide to a more positive outlook

Let me start by saying that if you think "must be nice to be neurotypical Karen" - you need this post!! I have bipolar disorder and anxiety and it took me a long time to get here. But you can do it! Even with a mental illness screaming in your head that everything sucks.

These steps are in an “easy to implement” to “hard to implement” order. That doesn’t mean that you can’t change the order or take on multiple steps at once. However, long-term change doesn’t happen overnight: it helps to take on challenges in phases or steps. Then once one thing is a habit, you move on to the next thing. If you take on too many steps at once, you might get overwhelmed and give up.

Step one: Commit to the goal! You have to want it or it won't work.

Step two: Take any medicines/attend therapy. You can't do everything single-handedly.

Step three: Stop all self-deprecation! It's hard to be positive when you think you're worthless. (Here’s a post I made about how to do this: https://rising-phoenix-21.tumblr.com/post/170320454891/gwens-guide-to-loving-yourself) 

Step four: Challenge negative thoughts! Reply to things like "what if I die" with "that’s not going to happen". Something that helps me a lot is to say what is the worst thing that could happen, then what is the best thing that could happen, and finally what is most likely to happen.

Example: I have to go to an unfamiliar place and am very nervous about it. My anxiety is telling me everything that could go wrong and making it hard for me to actually go.

What is the worst that could happen? I do the wrong thing and everybody dies.

Okay, what is the best thing that could happen? I magically know everything to do and they think I'm the best person ever.

What is most likely to happen? Someone will be there to show me the ropes/tell me the rules and I can ask them any questions I have. I may make a mistake but they will be understanding because they know I'm new.

Other examples:

*remembers embarrassing thing and cringes forever* “I am the only person who remembers this, no one else does and therefore there is nothing to be embarrassed about”. Alternatively, "they are not going to remember that in (insert my opinion of how long it will take for them to forget) 30 seconds. *counts down from 30* see, they've already forgotten all about it and I can forget about it too" or "yes I made this mistake but I learned from it and it is in the past so I don't need to worry about it anymore".

*makes a mistake, worries everyone hates me for it* “It's okay, they know I'm new. This is a learning environment, everyone makes mistakes and they are expecting this”. Alternatively: “they never told me to do X and therefore there is no way I could have known and this is not my fault”. 

Step five: Accept when something bad happens. You are going to feel bad about it and that is okay. Let yourself feel the negative emotion until it has run its course. Having a positive outlook does not mean you're happy 24/7 and never cry. However, recognize that this feeling is not going to last forever, you will feel better, and things will get better. Saying it out loud may help.

It’s easy to start wallowing in a negative emotion and/or relapse when something bad happens. This is where your support network comes in! They will help keep you accountable and on the right path. When you are in a bad place, it also helps to look back at good memories and mementos.

Step six: Start writing down 1 (or more) good thing/s that happened or something you're thankful for everyday. Aim for everyday but if you end up only doing this once a week that's okay too. This one seems small but is seriously so important!! When you force yourself to think about something good that happened on a bad day it makes it Way easier to see the good on a regular basis.

Step seven is similar: Enjoy life! Take pleasure in the little things! Yes, sometimes things suck but it's hard to remember that when you're singing along to your favorite song with the windows down and a soda in your hand. Or cuddling with your dog or swimming or doodling your favorite character. When you're having a good day/good moment, take a second and just breathe. Think about how amazing you feel in this moment and how awesome life is.

Then when something tries to tell you that it's all bad, you can look back on that moment, on how amazing you felt and know that IT IS A LIE.

Keep mementos of the good days and the fun you have like photos/ticket stubs/birthday cards, etc.These also help with the bad days.

Step eight: Give yourself things to look forward to. Something that really helps me is picturing physical things about my future. Like I’ll picture what my classroom is going to look like or imagine what kind of Mom I’m going to be or what my wedding is going to look like. Sometimes the future is a big scary void and filling that void with something as small as “I’m going to have a dog” makes the future something to look forward to instead of fear. Doing this on a smaller scale is also helpful, “next weekend I’m going to see a movie”. You may not know where you’re going to be in the next year, but you know you’re going to see that movie and you can look forward to it.

Step nine: Remove negative media from your life! Is that song about your life before your recovery? Pitch it! You're not in that place anymore. If you're recovering from self-harm, all songs talking about harming yourself have to go! If you're a recovering alcoholic, all songs about heavy drinking have got to go! Those songs just put you back into that mindset, they mimic the bad place you were in and you don't want to be there anymore!!

If you are not in recovery, get rid of songs that have a negative message- "life sucks", "there's no hope", "things are never getting better". Is there a song that makes you think of your ex and it makes you sad? Say goodbye to it!

That isn't to say you can't ever listen to "sad" songs or songs that make you cry. The key is to not listen to those on a Regular Basis. Because then you're just making yourself sad on a regular basis, and what good is that?

Unfollow triggering blogs! Utilize Tumblr's filtering system! Renovate your dash so it's full of positivity/cute animals/recovery and inspiration/good news and not just the bad! This applies to all social media, not just Tumblr. (Facebook’s unfollow button is your new best friend). 

The same goes for TV/movies/books: if it is going to trigger you/make you feel bad/mimic a bad place you were in: get rid of it! Don't watch it!

This doesn’t mean you have to watch “family-friendly PG nothing bad ever happens” bullshit all the time. But you need to be in a good mental place for it. If you know you can handle it, watch it! But if it's going to just make you cry in a non-cathartic way, don't torture yourself.

And sometimes you consume media because you want catharsis you were robbed of in the moment and that is okay. As human beings, we tend to bury our emotions especially in traumatic situations. So re-visiting that place/that emotion in a safe way can be very good for recovery. The key is to not consume media that you know will upset you/ruin your day. And to not consume negative media 24/7.

Sometimes, this means that you don't watch the news, and that's okay! We were not made to or meant to consume negative events on such a large scale. You can only take in and deal with so much negative information! If you need to turn off the news, do it. If you need to take a break from social media, do it. Do what is best for your mental health. 

Step ten: Surround yourself with positivity! Refill your music collection with upbeat songs that make you wanna dance, that make you excited, that make you happy, etc. Try to listen to them often and early in your day. Put up inspirational quotes! Follow inspiration blogs! Consume lighter media that makes you laugh/makes you feel good.

Step eleven: Recognize when you need to step away from a situation. If something bad comes up but you know mentally/emotionally you can't deal with it right then. Say "I can't deal with this right now, I will do it later" and walk away. Obviously, this isn't possible all the time. But that's why you should do it whenever you can! Giving yourself time to prepare and time to process is super important! It helps your mental health and prevents you from making mistakes. Both of which make it easier to have a positive outlook lol. 

Step twelve: Reduce the conflict in your life. Conflict isn’t good for our mental health and it makes you feel bad. It also reinforces the idea that it’s “you against the world”, that there are no good people in the world, that no one understands you, etc. If you find yourself arguing with someone everyday, cut them out of your life-that is a toxic relationship. If you find yourself disagreeing with/getting angry at a blog, unfollow it. Anger is important and not necessarily a “bad” emotion but it also isn’t good to feel that way Every Single Day, it gets in the way of positive emotions. 

Step thirteen: Surround yourself with positive people/build a support network. Make friends who are “full of light”, who are optimistic, and who make you feel good when they’re around. Building a support network is super important for when bad things happen: they are there to remind you of the good and to keep you on track in your recovery and in your new positive outlook.

Step fourteen: Remove negative people from your life. When I say "negative people" I mean someone toxic, someone who brings your mood down (on a regular basis), someone who can never see things in a positive way/everything is doom and gloom, and someone whose behavior triggers you(!!). This is a really tough one because, quite frankly, you don’t always get to choose who you interact with and breaking ties is hard.

If you HAVE to interact with this person: try to limit your time with them, keep your mind on positive things even if they're talking about negative stuff (you may even try to steer them in a positive direction), and cleanse your aura after they leave AKA if you feel "gross" after interacting with them, do whatever will get rid of that feeling, whether it be prayer or a crystal or a shower. 

How to break ties with someone? What I usually do is ghost them, whether that is the best/healthiest method is up for debate. If they call you out or you don't want to ghost, just tell them "you're a very negative person and I just can’t be around that. I'm sorry but I have to do what's best for my mental health". If they can't/won't understand that, block them. That's their problem, not yours. I know this sounds selfish and rude but it's true: you have to do what's best for your mental health. You have to be “selfish” sometimes.

Step fifteen: Keep making goals to improve your life! Having a positive outlook is just one of many things that will make your life better. Improving your physical health will make you feel good, reading more books will make you feel good, reaching your goals makes you feel good! The better you feel, the easier it is to feel good about life.

Step sixteen: Repeat the above! You are forming a new habit here and re-training your brain. It isn't enough to just do this for one day or one week. You have to commit to having more positivity in your life. And when you're surrounded by bad news, it's easy to fall back on a hopeless outlook. When your brain is telling you that it's hopeless, it's easy to believe it. But one day, you will get to a place where it isn't as hard. One day, something bad will happen and it won't sting as much because you know that the pain won't last forever and that it’ll get better. This can and will become your new normal. 

[nighttimepixels]

just some vent art below the cut - i don’t usually post this sorta thing, so y’know. move along, no worries at all, just working out some frustration. be back tomorrow or the next day with some proper happy go lucky goodness.

(also general cw for... distress? probably don’t wanna look if you can’t handle very very vague slight body horror, or maybe if you have an ED/self harm triggers.)

I will never win the war despite how hard I think I fight... No matter any move I make I just can't get it right. But you know just what they say-

Out of sight, Out of mind.

... i don’t really talk about it here or anywhere, but i’ve got some bad health issues that makes it impossible to have a ‘normal’ job/...day-to-day. i can’t really eat anything but... well, about five things, and that’s not hyperbole.

if i eat anything else, well... long story short, food’s on a spectrum of ‘not good’ to ‘debilitating or worse’ re:causing pain, nausea, and a host of other... very, very bad symptoms. my illness centers around my digestive system, basically. it took me years to find a stasis i could keep myself at to function decently, and even still i have bad days... i’m incredibly lucky, though, and i know it. so many things could be worse.

sometimes though it just... it gets to me. i’ve gone through it all testing-wise, the doctor circuit, etc - there’s no cure and all that jazz, in the end. it’s not fatal, so that’s fine, it’s just... this is my life, and has been for years, and i accept that. i have to. but it’s... hard, as much as i don’t like saying so or admitting it. i hate worrying people, i hate the fact that it seems so trivial when explaining it to people, hate that it’s invisible, and i just... feel so, so guilty all the time. it’s exhausting, and i just... well, i’m usually able to handle it all nowadays, and the stasis i’ve been able to get to thanks to some support (my sister especially... i really can’t begin to explain what she means to me & has done for me), but sometimes things come up. i’ve got... family members in particular that... push. including my mom in particular. something happened again the other day regarding her trying to imply i could be ‘cured’ or ‘mostly so’ if i just tried (yet another) diet, and i’m carrying weight even though i’m malnourished, and no don’t take that the wrong way and get emotional she really doesn’t mean it like that she swears, just i should try this bone broth thing really this book said this this and this, and etc etc... this is a cycle. she means well and i know she just wishes i was ‘better’, but all the while won’t really listen, and doesn’t accept exactly how thorough i’ve been. i broke down later over the whole thing once i was alone again, for the first time in a while. i just... have to remember that it’s  human to feel tired of being sick all the time.

of course, i then proceeded to get particularly sick for a couple days, so thus my brief radio silence the past couple days. womp.

in the end, realized i just... really needed to do this vent art, to do something so my emotions didn’t coil so tight i’d break down again. if you actually read this, then dear stars, i’m sorry, haha. i just needed a place to vent for once, woops... might come back and delete this later, but for now i’m gonna try and get some sleep, feeling a little more at ease for the time i gave myself on this.

i’ll do something more positive and hopeful next - or at the very least lighthearted. i really do try to have an optimistic outlook on things, and stay positive as best i can. finally just had to tell myself that it was okay to feel upset too, and to work through it with something like this.

[dovechim]

it’s okay, that’s love 05

➾ water polo player!jimin x psychiatrist!reader ft ot7 ➾ warnings: smut/ mentions of sex, toxic relationships, blood and self harm, mental illnesses ➾ word count: 8.2k ➾ previous parts 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 ➾ disclaimer: this is purely a work of fiction and i do not claim to be a qualified mental health professional. this work is not intended to provide any medical advice of any sort, please consult a licensed physician instead.

please read the previous parts first!! 

Taehyung never regrets things that he does. What’s the point when it only makes him feel worse about something he never should have done in the first place? Plus, he did read something online about how optimists live 5 years longer, so there’s also that. 

And Sunmi’s hair is pretty long and silky. Just the right length for him to pull as he sinks into her balls deep, although her moans are getting on his nerves. Apart from the whole commitment thing, he realises this is why he never called her back after their first time; she’s noisy as fuck even though all he’s done before this is rub his cock against her slit.

“Shhhh baby, can you keep quiet for me?” Taehyung has long ago become an expert at making anything sexy, so even telling girls to shut up has become too easy for him.

But Sunmi only arches her back further into him, trying to get him to go deeper. “Bu-but Tae, I need more, oh- you’re so big. I missed your cock so badly. 

To satisfy her, Taehyung bottoms out, effectively shutting her up because of his size. Still, he takes care not to go too hard on her, keeping her pleasure in mind as he reaches around to fondle her clit absentmindedly till he feels her walls start to flutter around him. It’s at this point that he allows himself to pound her a little harder to chase after his own high, releasing his load inside the condom before pulling out.

Sunmi is pouting as she turns around to lie on her back, and Taehyung pauses as he ties off the condom. “Why, did you not cum?”

“I did… but it would have felt so much better without a condom,” Sunmi runs her fingers through the wetness that lingers on her pussy regretfully, as if imagining his cum coating her lips and entrance.

Taehyung spares a glance towards her well used slit before pushing himself off the bed to dispose of the condom. “Sorry babe, not that into risking it.”

Sunmi is watching him as he gathers his clothes off the floor, tugging on his jeans and shirt in a record time. It’s his specialty after all.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter, does it?”

Taehyung pauses on his way to the door, freezing with his hand halfway to the doorknob, slowly turning to face her. “What? What do you mean? Of course it fucking matters, you could get pregnant, and that’s the last thing a commitment phobe like me needs.” 

Sunmi shrugs nonchalantly, closing her legs modestly as she sits up on the bed. “You didn’t use a condom last time.”

He should just leave, this is just another attempt to stall him and keep him for longer than necessary. “That was one time, and I pulled out.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she smiles softly at him with a hand on her lower belly even as Taehyung can feel his heart turn to stone inside his chest. “It only takes one time.” 

*

The night air breeze penetrates through the flimsy flaps of the street-side stall tent. The streets are unusually cold at this time of the night, although to be fair, Seokjin’s never been out this late before. And he’s also never been as drunk as he is now, but he is considering doing it more often, since it blurs everything into a pleasant mirage of haziness, saving him the trouble of feeling everything so acutely.

He’s tired of being sober and just being alive in general.

Raising his hand, he calls out drunkenly for one more bottle of soju, to which the pleasant if slightly overbearing stall owner obliges. She places the bottle, opened and all, on his table, looking as though she’s about to tell him that he’s already had too much to drink, but then another customer distracts her.

Seokjin gratefully reaches to pour himself another shot, but before he can do so, someone else snatches the bottle from his hands, and he reacts belatedly with an angry shout.

“Hey, that’s mine you idiot, get your own fucking soju,” Seokjin means it to be intimidating, and he does consider himself a pretty intimidating guy, with his 60cm wide shoulders and all, but it apparently comes out in a drunken slur instead. The perpetrator only grins, a boxy, mischievous smirk, and gestures for a shot glass of his own before pouring for the both of them.

“You shouldn’t pour your own drink; didn’t you know that?” Taehyung knocks back his shot as soon as he sets the bottle down.

“That’s only if you’re drinking with someone else, brat, and I was drinking alone.” Seokjin snarks back as he reaches for his own glass.

“Ah, but hyung, the key word being was, past tense.” The cheeky brat has the audacity to help himself to another shot, but at this point, Seokjin is far too gone to stop him. All he’s thankful for is Taehyung’s steady hand has he continues to supply him with alcohol.

“Why’re you out drinking on a Friday night anyway? And alone too?” Taehyung picks at the leftover food on the table, sad remnants of sausages and an omelette that Seokjin can’t bring himself to finish.

“What’s wrong with drinking alone? On a Friday night?”

“Oh, y’know, nothing much… I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but all the other people here are either couples or big groups.”

Seokjin pauses after knocking back another shot, feeling the burn travel down his chest in a satisfying trail. “Could ask you the same thing. Why are you here, intruding on my solo drinking session?”

“Fucked up.” Taehyung’s answer is so straightforward and to the point that it catches Seokjin off guard. His honesty elicits laughter that suddenly bubbles up from his chest and pours out from his mouth in high-pitched squeaks that draw the attention of the tables around him. Taehyung only frowns and opens his mouth to protest, but Seokjin beats him to it.

“Join the club, buddy.” He reaches for another shot, but the bottle comes up empty. Taehyung is quick to react like the good dongsaeng that he is, calling for yet another bottle. “Two of my star players injured, lost a really fucking important match that would have led to semi-professional careers for some of them, got kicked out of my apartment. Fucking swell, everything is.”

He doesn’t want to turn this into a sob story competition, so Taehyung keeps quiet and busies himself with pouring the two of them another shot each. “Can’t help you there, my friend. But-”

Seokjin reaches to hit him on the head. “You punk, I’m not your friend, who said you could speak informally?”

Taehyung easily dodges the hit, not like it was very accurate in the first place. “It’s a saying, hyung. And anyway, wouldn’t you like to know what it’s like to get fucked by something other than life?” 

“What?” Seokjin snorts in response. “If you’re offering, then no.”

“Sorry, hyung, I wouldn’t, not even for you,” Taehyung grins wryly. “You’re attractive as fuck, those shoulders really are amazing, but if you’re keen I do have some dudes who’d be into this…”

“Fuck off,” Seokjin mutters without any real heat in his voice, giving in to the urge to rest his head on the table. “Although if any of them had a place I could crash at for the night, that’d be great, I’d be willing to give up my virginity and all.”

“Not sure how much that’s worth, but I could make that happen,” Taehyung says as he peers at Seokjin’s slouched form on the table with growing concern. “Hey, I’m serious, you need a place to stay?”

No response from the older man, and Taehyung resorts to nudging his outstretched arm, but to no avail either. Great, now he’s stuck with a sleeping drunk, and he has to lug a dead weight all the way home.

This better count as arms day, leg day, whatever- for the next week or so.

*

It’s almost daylight by the time Taehyung manages to lug Seokjin back home, a testament to just how much Taehyung underestimated the older man’s weight. All he wants to do is collapse into bed and just forget everything that happened in the past 24 hours.

He manages to get the door unlocked with just one hand, and his shoulders are protesting over Seokjin’s dead weight. He lets out a curse as his foot hits a table leg in the dark, and he knocks over something that falls to the floor with a crash. Taehyung stumbles the last few steps towards the sofa and dumps Seokjin’s figure none too gently onto it, groaning as he rubs his sore muscles.

Seokjin stirs slightly at all the movement, moaning in protest as his head hits the armrest of the couch.

All the commotion has awoken someone in the house, because Taehyung hears a door opening and footsteps sounding from the hallway. He’s a hundred percent sure that it’s not Yoongi-hyung, so it must either be Jimin or-

You’re rubbing your eyes, squinting around in the dark for the light switch before flipping it on. “Tae? What’s all the noise? Did you just get back? Who-“

“Fuck, that really hurt,” Taehyung is examining his toe for damage before he glances up and follows your line of sight. “Yeah, um, I kinda picked him up off the streets-“

“Kim Taehyung, what did I tell you about picking up strays? This isn’t even an animal for fucks sake,” you take a few steps closer to peer at the sleeping figure on the couch, taking in his dishevelled appearance, wrinkled pink hoodie and faded ripped jeans. “Is- is this who I think it is? How the hell-“

Another door opens, and you stiffen immediately, whipping around to see who it is. In reality, you already know who it’s going to be, because Yoongi sleeps like the dead, and even if he were awake at this hour, he wouldn’t care enough to come out anyway.

Jimin’s hood is drawn over his head and his eyes are half open against the assault of light that fills the living room. “What’s going on here? Why is Seokjin-hyung on our couch right now?”

When his eyes land on you, he immediately straightens up, eyes opening wider than Taehyung’s ever seen before, mirroring your posture. There’s an awkward silence as the two of you awkwardly avoid each other’s gazes, both staring at the sleeping blonde man on your couch. 

“Um, look, I have no idea why the two of you are acting like you just saw each other naked, but you’d better settle it between you because I’m going the fuck to bed,” Taehyung side steps you and heads for his room. “Oh, and just give him a blanket or something, I’ll deal with it in the morning.”

Taehyung talks as if Seokjin is more like an object than an actual person, but you keep your mouth shut as he disappears into his room, because he looks like he’s ready to fall asleep on his feet.

Jimin reaches for one of the spare throws that fell to the floor when Taehyung dumped Seokjin on it and drapes it over his sleeping figure. He turns back to head for his room, avoiding your gaze, but you stop him.

“Hey, um, Jimin, about last night, um…” You’ve never been this ineloquent in your life.

He turns around, cautiously meeting your eyes with his arms crossed protectively over his chest. “I’m okay with pretending it never happened, if that’s what you were going to say.”

You take a deep breath, cursing yourself for ever stepping out of your room in the first place, because it looks like you’re not going back to sleep for the rest of the night. “I was hurt, lonely, and desperate, and I took advantage of you. I was being unprofessional, and this won’t affect my ability to treat you at all. I hope we can put this behind us, and if it bothers you in the slightest, I can get someone else to continue your treatments.”

It didn’t bother me at all.

Jimin smiles sadly as he shakes his head, the thought of having someone else take over making him uncomfortable because there’s no one he trusts more than you. “It’s alright. I’m okay. Goodnight, _____. Sleep well.”

You watch him turn and head into his room, regret churning at the bottom of your stomach.

“Goodnight, Jimin.”

*

Seokjin throws an arm over the bright strip of light that just happens to land directly over his eyes. His head is pounding, nausea stirring right at the bottom of his throat, threatening to spill over if he makes any sudden movements. Where the fuck is he?

He cracks his eyes open just a tad, only to be met with the unfamiliar sight of the ceiling above him. When he cranes his neck a little, his surroundings don’t ring a bell, and he chooses to close his eyes again just to escape everything for a little while more. 

Until someone shakes him awake rudely with an iron clad grip on his arm, and Seokjin can’t help but sputter out a few curses he’s sure he never would have said if he were sober. 

“Hyung!! Wake up, it’s already past noon.” Taehyung’s insistent voice keeps him from shutting everything out and going back to sleep again.

“So? What does that have to do with me?”

“You sound like Yoongi hyung right now,” another voice comes from somewhere else, along with a chuckle and he vaguely recognises it to be Park Jimin’s. 

“Shut up brat, before I make you do extra laps,” he mutters, still half asleep as he reaches to wipe the drool from his mouth. Taehyung pushes a glass of water into his hands, and he sips gratefully.

“Do you think you’ll even make it to practice like this, hyung?”

Practice… Seokjin jolts awake and fumbles for his phone, groaning when he realises that it’s Saturday, and practice starts in less than an hour. Forcing back the wave of nausea that threatens to overwhelm him, Seokjin pushes himself onto his feet, only to wobble dangerously had it not been Taehyung’s arm around his waist.

“Hey, careful, hyung you should rest, I’ll take over training for today.” All traces of teasing vanish from Jimin’s voice as he reaches out to push Seokjin back onto the couch gently. “Don’t worry, I’ll assign myself extra laps too.”

“You better, brat,” Seokjin can’t do more than grumble in what he hopes is an extra threatening manner, but the cool surface of the couch beckons to him.

“Uhh… here’s the thing…” Taehyung starts hesitantly, his arm still around Seokjin’s waist and keeping him from slouching back into a lying position. “You can’t be here, if Yoongi-hyung wakes up to find you here he’s gonna flip. He hates it when I bring strays back, and also, in terms of resident capacity, this house’s full.”

“Fucking brat, I’m not a stray,” even in his inebriated state, Seokjin knows when he’s being insulted, and he reaches over to smack Taehyung over the head, thankfully not missing this time. Although he knows he’s pretty much at Taehyung’s mercy right now, having been kicked out without a place to stay, but still. 

Lucky for him, Taehyung’s a pretty easy-going guy.

Taehyung only sighs through his nose and enlists Jimin’s help to heave the larger man off the couch (“You need to use those muscles before they go to waste”) and up the stairs towards Namjoon’s apartment.

He’s praying that Namjoon’s in right now, if you or Yoongi come back to find that he’s adopted another stray into the house, his life will be miserable indeed. His prayers are answered when the door swings open to reveal an immaculately dressed blonde man, everything from his white dress shirt to his black slacks are crisply pressed, and his hair is styled off his forehead with what looks like a lot of gel. 

“Hyung, were you about to go out? Sorry for interrupting-“

Namjoon frowns in response, his gaze travelling between Taehyung and Jimin, and the rather inebriated, sloppy looking man leaning on Jimin. “No, I wasn’t. And who’s this?”

“This is, um…” Taehyung hesitates as he takes in Namjoon’s scrutinizing gaze, and Seokjin’s dishevelled bedhead. The two look worlds apart in terms of appearance, and once again Taehyung stops to wonder if this is really a good idea.

“This is my coach!” Jimin pipes up, and Taehyung can hear the note of desperation in his voice as he desperately tries to maintain his grip on the older man. “He’s um… he kinda needs a place to stay right now, and um…”

Namjoon may be overly particular about his standards of cleanliness, but he’s not heartless. So when he sees Jimin struggling to maintain his balance under the older man’s weight, he heaves a sigh and beckons them in, wincing as he imagines every single step that they take across his perfectly polished wooden floors.

Jimin dumps Seokjin’s weight onto the couch much like Taehyung did the night before, and makes sure to complain extra loudly that he won’t be able to do his reps later on at gym. While Namjoon is trying his best not to immediately want to scrub every surface they’ve touched or even breathed on, Taehyung notices his distress and turns to him.

“Hyung, remember what we worked on in our sessions okay? This’ll be good for you, I promise.” Okay, so Taehyung didn’t exactly have this in mind when he thought of having them stay together, but what really matters is that he can pull excuses out of his ass like this and still have people believe him. And it’s not like it isn’t true anyway, one of the next steps in his treatment does involve direct desensitization, maybe not this soon, but soon, alright.

Namjoon takes a deep breath, and even though he’s itching to tell everyone to get out, he does trust Taehyung and his unorthodox methods, because they work. A month ago he couldn’t even stop washing his hands every ten minutes and taking a shower every hour, but now he’s gotten to the point where his skin isn’t dry and crackly from excessive washing. 

“Thanks hyung, this means a lot,” Jimin turns to him sincerely, and Namjoon can only give him a strained smile in response as Seokjin shifts his weight onto the couch, before throwing up all over his floor. 

“No problem, I had an extra room anyway,” Namjoon says through gritted teeth.

*

“Hey, punk.” You greet him with a fond smile on your face as you peek into his ward, and Jeongguk’s doe eyes practically light up to see you.

“Noona! Finally, I was getting so bored in here,” he pouts adorably with his lower lip jutting out as you take a seat beside his bed. “Did you bring it?”

“Yeah I did,” you grumble as you lift his heavy laptop and set it gently onto his lap. “Nearly died getting this into work today, you owe me one, big time.”

But it’s all worth it just for the look on Jeongguk’s face as he unzips his laptop case and pulls out his computer and mouse from within. The last time you saw him, you’d made the mistake of asking if he needed anything, and he claimed he was undergoing serious Overwatch withdrawals and begged you to lug his gaming computer over for him.

“I swear, you’re happier to see your computer than you are to see me,” you tease him with your arms crossed over your chest. “Is this all I am to you?”

“What? No!! Noona, you-“ his voice is cut off even as his fingers itch to lift the lid of his laptop. “Noona, I love you so much.”

You can’t help but laugh at his attempt to convince you, since his eyes are still fixed on the screen of his laptop even as he says it. “Save it, I know what I am to you.”

“No, really,” Jeongguk’s eyes leave the screen of his laptop to focus on you.

You smile back at him, reaching over to check on his bandages and generally fussing over him, aware that he enjoys the attention. “How are you doing though? Better?”

“Much better physically,” Jeongguk would never allow himself to admit that he’s anything less than perfectly functional, but when it comes to you, it feels a little easier, a little less like accepting defeat and more like allowing himself to admit that maybe he can’t shoulder everything on his own all the time.

Jeongguk doesn’t have much experience talking about things like this, so it’s more of the things he doesn’t say that say much more about him. 

“You’re doing great,” you reassure him, and you both know that it’s not his physical state you’re talking about.

“Noona, it’s just…” Jeongguk hesitates as he fiddles with his laptop. “What happens after I get discharged from here? Do I… go home and stuff?”

“Generally, yes, that’s what people do when they get discharged,” you answer him with a grin. “Why, did you want to stay here for longer?”

“Y’know, it’s not too bad, having pretty nurses and an even prettier doctor at my beck and call,” Jeongguk grins. “Hey, do you think you could borrow one of the nurse’s uniforms? I’ve always had this thing for nurse fantasies and prescribed blowjobs to speed healing-“

“Okay, okay, I think our time is up,” you wince at the mention of it, holding up your hands to stop him, but you know he’s just joking around, so you don’t actually get up to leave. Instead, you place a hand over his larger one. “Things won’t change after you get discharged, Jeongguk. You don’t have to worry about people treating you differently now that they know. As much as you doubt so, things can and will go back to normal.”

The teasing smirk and crinkles at the corner of his eyes have disappeared now, and Jeongguk is fiddling with the corner of his blanket. He spares you a glance from under his golden hair that’s partially obscuring his vision. “I just… don’t want them to treat me like I’m fragile or something. And now that this happened, I feel like I can’t go on like how I did before, just ignoring everything and charging straight ahead without a second thought.

“Sometimes, I just want to talk about things with someone, tell them how I’m lost and how I don’t feel like existing anymore, but I don’t want them to be sad or worry about how to comfort me. I don’t want to be this toxic person who rains on everyone’s parade with these kind of thoughts, but I just want them to understand. I just want to tell someone. And then we can go on with our lives as per normal, and go get lamb skewers or something.”

“You can tell me,” you say as you squeeze his hand tightly. “I know it seems like it’s my job to psychoanalyze everything people say, but sometimes people just need to get things off their chests.

“I’ll even promise to buy you food every time after.”

*

This is one of the rare times that you’re thankful for how busy work keeps you, and even though it’s tiring, it keeps you from thinking about whatever happened two nights before.

It’s nice to engage in mindless chatter with the ward clerks at the counter, from giggling over the latest new intern who got transferred in and wondering if he’s single, to discussing the best places to get a full spa day. It’s one of the rare moments where you truly feel a little less tired of everything, and it’s nice to forget, even for a little while.

A slim, pale girl with jet black long hair approaches the counter just as you giggle over Joy’s lame joke. She’s dressed in a pair of cuffed denim shorts and a tank top that seems to engulf her tiny figure, and there’s a hesitant look on her face.

“Hi, can we help you?” Joy is the first to notice her, and you turn around immediately.

“Oh, um, I was just wondering if there’s a Taehyung here. Kim Taehyung.”

Joy’s eyes narrow just a tad. “May I have your name please? And what’s the nature of this, may I ask?”

“Lee Sunmi,” she says as she wraps her arms around herself; her fragility seems to be emphasised in volumes by such a simple action, and you suddenly feel a surge of protectiveness over her small frame. “Um, it’s confidential.”

“I’m afraid he’s not in at the moment, his duty doesn’t start till 2pm,” Seulgi offers helpfully from behind the desk, only to be on the receiving end of Joy’s glare.

“Oh,” she seems disappointed by this information, and you reach out to place a hand soothingly on her arm. “It’s okay, I’ll wait.”

“Are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you? Maybe one of us can help you instead?” You take in her tearstained cheeks and smudged makeup with a growing concern.

“I-I know this is the psychiatric department, but… I need a pr-pregnancy test. And Taehyung told me he’d accompany me.” 

*

Jimin’s thighs are groaning in protest with every step he takes, and not to mention there’s a whole flight of stairs waiting for him ahead. It’s times like this that he absolutely regrets choosing to live here, and regrets even more that he chooses to go extra hard for leg day.

He briefly wonders how you’re doing at work and if you’d be back home already; but these thoughts are pushed to the back of his mind when he sees a suspicious looking silhouette lingering in front of the house. Jimin powers through the last few steps, trying not to let it show on his face as he places himself in between the stranger and the house.

“Who are you?” His tone is rude, and he could have worded his question better, but Jimin is tired from his workout and just wants to collapse into bed without even showering.

The man turns around, and Jimin recognises him as the man you were speaking to just a few nights ago, not that he peeked out of the window to eavesdrop on your conversation anyway. He was just doing his job to make sure you were safe. 

“O-oh, nice to meet you, I’m Jung Hoseok, and I assume you live with _____?” Hoseok’s observant gaze flits down to the keys in Jimin’s grasp. “Is she in right now? I’d like to see her for a bit.”

Jimin can almost feel his protective hackles rising as he remembers the way you looked after talking to him that night, tearstained and so heart achingly lonely. “She’s not in right now. And she said she doesn’t want to see you ever again, so please stop coming here.”

“She did, didn’t she?” The sudden change of tone has Jimin immediately on alert, as the once neutral expression on Hoseok’s face turns into an ugly smirk. “Forgive me if I’m wrong, but you must be Park Jimin right?”

“Yes, I am,” Jimin answers cautiously, balling up his fists in case this guy needs to be punched. But his next statement catches him off guard, does more damage than he would have ever envisioned, and it turns out that Jung Hoseok never intended on relying on physical strength to get his way.

“Interesting,” Hoseok raises his eyebrows as he takes in the apartment behind Jimin casually. “You know, I found it really interesting that _____ just so happens to live with two- now three- of her patients. _____ always had a thing for dating her patients, so I wonder which one of you three she’s currently fucking? Or maybe she’s sleeping with all three of you at the same time?”

Jimin is struggling with the urge not to sink his fist right into the other man’s nose, and gathers himself together just enough. “What the fuck are you talking about? How did you know all this?”

Hoseok is the epitome of composure as he watches Jimin break out into a sweat. “How did I know she likes to fuck her patients? Past experience, bro.”

He pauses to let his words sink in. “It looks like it might be you… did I guess correctly? You look like her type. In any case, it’d do you good to remember that the only reason why she puts up with you is because she has some serious issues underlying all of that doctor act she puts up. Not because she really loves you. Trust me, once she’s had enough, she’ll dump you like you’re yesterday’s trash.”

The words sound muffled to Jimin, as if he’s hearing them underwater, and suddenly it feels as if he’s treading water as well, like he’s in the midst of one of his games. He blinks rapidly to try and clear the water that’s flooding his eyes even through his goggles, hands coming up to his face to ensure that they’re still on him, but his fingers encounter nothing but the smooth skin of his eyelids instead.

“Anyway, nice meeting you, Park. Let ____ know I dropped by,” Hoseok says with an easy smile as he turns to saunter away, and Jimin takes a step toward his retreating back, but it feels as if he’s walking on the spot, unable to advance any further.

His fingers are suddenly itching, and it’s all he can do to unlock the door in front of him and stumble to his room. He throws himself to the floor on his knees, not even caring about the pain that radiates through his joints as he reaches for the handle of a drawer and pulls it out hurriedly, rummaging pointedly for the one object that he wants.

*

The sight of crimson stained flesh is naturally alarming to most, but Jimin only stares at it with a sort of morbid fascination, and somehow there’s a disconnect between what his eyes are perceiving and what his brain processes it as.

“He does it because he loves you, and he wants you to grow up to become better,” his mother tells him even as she sponges the blood away from the cuts on his legs. “He means well.” 

Another stroke, and it feels like the pressure in his chest lessens even while the area between his thighs grow damper.

“Th-then what about you?” Jimin looks at the bruises on his mother’s arms with wide eyes. “Does he do it because he loves you too? Because he wants you to be better too?”

His mother tugs her sleeves down to cover her own bruises, smiling as she places her hand on his cheek. “Yes, your father loves us very much.”

Jimin looks at her like she’s his entire world, and if she says it’s okay, then it’s okay. “How can we become better for him? So that he won’t hit us anymore, and so that he’ll love us?”

It doesn’t hurt, he’s long ago stopped registering the pain.

“Just let him be, Jimin. This is what he needs to do to show that he loves us.”

*

It’s nearly midnight when you finish your shift, and you’re itching to get back home. Taehyung’s cell has been off the entire day, and he didn’t even show up for his shift like he was supposed to, so naturally you had to cover for him. In the end you told Sunmi to go home after trying countless of times to contact Taehyung.

A quick perusal of the shoerack tells you that he’s not home, and on top of your anger at him for leaving Sunmi in the lurch, is genuine concern for your best friend. You enter the house only to find Seokjin gone from the couch and Yoongi raiding the fridge. 

“Yoongi? Did you see Taehyung today?”

Yoongi pulls out some rice and pauses to turn to you. “No, why? Should he be here or something?”

“No, it’s just- he didn’t turn up for work today, and there was a sort of situation.” 

Yoongi only shrugs in response, turning back to the kitchen counter to resume making his dinner.

“Oh, Hoseok dropped by earlier again today. You sure you don’t know that guy?”

“No, I really don’t,” you shoot over your shoulder. “What did he say this time?”

“Don’t know, I think Jimin was the one who talked to him. Maybe ask him?”

You make a non-committal grunt in reply, not exactly sure you want to know what the two men talked about right at that instant. Heading toward your room, you pause to glance past Taehyung’s open door to see if he’s in, but it’s empty, just as you expected. Pulling out your phone again to check for any new messages or calls, worry etches lines across your forehead when the screen shows up blank.

Jimin’s door is closed and it looks like the lights are off inside, so you pad quietly past into your own room and close the door. You drop your bag off by on your desk, suddenly feeling as if it’s been years and years since the day started, and collapse into bed, closing your eyes in an attempt to escape from it all.

*

Taehyung flicks through the notifications on his phone in disinterest, only barely noting that you’ve been calling him non-stop since that afternoon. What’s more pressing are the multiple texts and voice messages from Sunmi, all of which are things that he’d prefer to ignore.

He closes the lid of the bowl of instant noodles in front of him, suddenly losing his appetite. He’s been trying to ignore the gnawing worry at the back of his mind for what seems forever now, alternating between trying to forget the first time he slept with Sunmi and desperately trying to remember if he’d pulled out.

Taehyung clearly remembers having done so- he never cums in anyone. 

Anxiety is building in his chest, rising to a crescendo that matches the restless jiggling of his leg against the table. With a sudden surge of energy, Taehyung pushes his chair back from the table and stands, feeling as if he might explode if he stays still for just a second longer.

He pushes the door of the convenience store open and heads out onto the street, hailing a cab that will take him to Sunmi’s. What would you even say if you knew about this? You’d probably tell him that he can’t run from things forever, and tell him to man the fuck up.

So Taehyung finds himself standing in front of Sunmi’s door after having ignored all her texts and calls for the past day or so. He hesitantly knocks on the door, praying with all his might that she’s not in, but of course, luck isn’t on his side as she opens the door to greet him, barely dressed with a robe hastily thrown over her figure.

“T-Taehyung! You didn’t tell me you were coming over!” Sunmi’s eyes are widened in surprise, and she lingers in the doorway, as if hesitant to let him in. “I’ve been texting and calling you all day.”

“Y-Yeah, about that. I’m sorry. I just came to talk things over.” Taehyung peers over her smaller frame into her empty living room. “Is it a bad time?”

“No!” Sunmi steps aside hastily. “No, of course not, come in, take a seat.”

Taehyung makes himself comfortable as Sunmi disappears in the opposite direction of the kitchen. She reappears a few seconds later, heading past him into the kitchen this time, and he gets up to follow her inside.

On the kitchen table are two empty wine glasses, and Taehyung immediately narrows his eyes in suspicion. Both glasses look like they’ve been used, and there’s a tell-tale pool of red liquid at the bottom.

“Been drinking?” He remarks casually as he watches Sunmi reach for a mug.

She’s startled by his comment, whirling around to follow his gaze to the two wine glasses on the table. Taehyung can see a slight waver in her expression, just a flicker of panic in her eyes and a slight twitch at the corner of her mouth, before she gives him a forced smile.

“Oh, no I was just having some friends over. Need to watch my alcohol, especially now that I might be…” Her voice trails off as she glances down.

She hands Taehyung his drink and wraps her arms around herself, pulling on the tie on her robe to close the garment a little tighter around herself. Taehyung’s eyes are drawn to the sliver of skin of her collarbone exposed by her robe, her usually porcelain complexion is now marred with navy and violet bruises that he definitely didn’t remember leaving.

“I went to the hospital today to look for you, but you weren’t in. Waited till your shift started too, but you didn’t turn up.”

“Really? Thought you had friends over today.”

“That was after,” Sunmi hurriedly tacks on, and Taehyung only nods in response, entirely unconvinced.

Now that he’s able to think calmly, without the panicked fog obscuring his rationality, he can smell the familiar musk of sex and sweat wafting off her. He’s so familiar with that smell that it’s obvious even under the layer of perfume she has on to mask it. 

“You know; I came over because I wanted to make things right.” He says with as much sincerity as he can muster, and Sunmi falls for it, hook, line and sinker.

“R-really?” She looks a little shocked, and maybe a tad bit doubtful, so Taehyung decides he needs to step up his game.

“Yes, really. I was the one who got you into this situation, so I think I should be there for you when you need me most.”

Sunmi looks as if she’s at a loss of what to say, be it from shock or guilt, so Taehyung decides to strike while the iron is hot.

“Let me move in with you?”

*

A furious pounding wakes you up from your slumber, and you groggily open your eyes, whining in protest. Surprisingly, you realise that it’s Yoongi’s voice coming from outside your door, and nearly fall out of bed as you make your way to the door, sheets still entangled around your legs.   

“What is it?” You ask upon swinging open the door.

“It’s Jimin, come quick!” Yoongi is a man of few words, but at this point you know him so well that you can pick up on the panic in his voice.

He turns around and heads for Jimin’s room, with the door now open wide. You follow him, nearly tripping over your own feet in your haste, and you freeze upon seeing him passed out in a pool of crimson red.

“Fuck,” you jolt into action and throw yourself onto your knees beside him, sliding your arm around his neck to cradle his head as you open his eyelids and check his vital signs. His skin feels cold to the touch, and he’s not responding at all.

Choking back a sob, desperation is rising in your chest as you mumble at Yoongi to get an ambulance. Your eyes are still fixed on the nasty gashes on his thighs, guilt eating away at you as you try and remember the last thing you said to him, if you’d done anything to trigger him, but the multitude of thoughts that are racing through your mind makes it impossible.

Jimin looks like he could be sleeping like this, apart from the deathly pale colour of his lips, and you will yourself to believe it, telling yourself over and over that he’ll be okay. You’re running your fingers through his faded blonde hair, panicked breaths making it hard to think straight and you can barely hear Yoongi’s voice as he tells you that the paramedics are here.

The next thing you know, you’re seated in a stiff, hard backed chair and staring at the familiar yet isolating white walls of the hospital. 

You barely register Yoongi’s presence next to you, until he reaches for your hand to place a piping hot cup of coffee into your grasp. 

“Yoongi- what did Hoseok say to Jimin?” You turn to him, only to see similar lines of worry and concern etched across his forehead.

“I’m not sure, I only know they talked because I left my room to get something, and saw them outside the house. Thought he had everything settled, that’s why I went back to my room. Heard the door slamming a while later, but I didn’t think much of it.” Yoongi cradles his own hands around his cup, staring into the dark liquid as steam curls off the surface.

“I saw you guys the other night.” 

His sudden statement catches you mid sip, and you scald your tongue. “Wh-what? Which night was this?”

“The night you kissed Park Jimin and treated him like a fucking rebound.”

“I didn’t- wait, you saw all of this? That’s creepy as fuck, you know that right?”

But Yoongi ignores you and keeps going. “I’m guessing this Hoseok guy is your ex who keeps showing up, and you don’t want to deal with his shit so you’re avoiding him while trying to deny your feelings for Park. Hit the nail on the head yet?”

“Wh- fuck you, you don’t know anything about me, so stop acting like you do.” Yoongi’s a lot more perceptive than you’d realised, and upon hearing his accusations out loud like that, your defences snap back into place, and you can almost feel your hackles rising.

“I wasn’t a hundred percent sure, but thanks for confirming it,” Yoongi’s chuckle gets on your already frazzled nerves. “You know that Park Jimin doesn’t deserve being your collateral damage right?” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. There’s nothing going on with Jimin and I. The only relationship that exists between us is a patient and doctor relationship. Period.” You can only hope that the resolution in your voice shuts down any further commentary from him, but no such luck.

“If only things were that simple eh? If only all relationships were all one dimensional; black and white, how fucking great would that be?”

“I. Don’t. Have. Feelings. For. Him.” You say through gritted teeth.

Yoongi shrugs in response. “Have it your way, but you know what’s your problem? You’re scared. Scared of taking off that god damn mask of perfection and emotionlessness and letting others see what’s underneath it. You’re using this whole professionalism thing as an excuse to keep a distance from him, and you may be able to lie to me about your feelings for him, but deep down I think you know the truth.”

Yoongi may be a lot more perceptive than you ever thought he could be, but he still doesn’t know the full picture, and he has no idea what he’s talking about. What he’s saying is just pure speculation, and you really shouldn’t let him get to you like this. He’s entirely wrong. Without realizing, your hands have tightened into fists, making the drink slosh over onto your hand.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The sensation of the hot liquid scalding your skin barely registers as you fight to keep your gaze on the wall in front of you, if only to escape his penetrating stare.

“You can’t keep using this as an excuse.”

But Yoongi doesn’t know the full story, doesn’t understand that you can’t let yourself go down that path again, can’t let someone else hurt you like that again. He thinks it’s just a simple ‘hung up over an ex and unwilling to take a chance at new love’ kind of story, when it’s so much more than that,

“Look, Yoongi, I don’t know why you think you have the right to lecture me like this, but you don’t know anything. It’s way more complicated than this, there’s a lot more at stake than you think.”

“Then tell me.”

There’s a beat of silence where you imagine pouring everything out to him, disregarding the fact that he is technically still one of your patients. And you imagine how good it would feel, to lay down everything for a second and let someone else shoulder the weight of it with you.

But then the doctor exits from the ward, and you’re off your feet instantly.

“How is he?”

“He’s alright, just suffered some major blood loss, but nothing that we couldn’t fix with a blood transfusion. He’s awake now, and you can go and see him, but please refrain from overwhelming him. Just one visitor at a time, please.”

Yoongi places a hand on your back to push you into the room, and you don’t even look back as you enter.

Jimin is propped up against his pillow, with his messy blonde hair sticking up in all directions and his eyes are immediately on you. He seems a little better now, with some colour in his cheeks, and it doesn’t look like he’s in one of his other personalities.

“Hi.” Relief fills your chest as you take in his appearance, sitting by his side and reaching for his hand on top of the sheet. “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” he reciprocates your grip with a squeeze, glancing up with a smile. “I’m sorry, you must have been really worried.” 

“D-do you know what happened then?” You ask cautiously, and before you can help it, you’re reaching over to push a strand of his hair out of his eyes. When you catch yourself in the act, you swallow hard, convincing yourself that you’re just doing this out of a platonic concern alone, like how you treated Jeongguk.

“I fainted, didn’t I?” He frowns slightly, as if trying to recall. “H-Hoseok came to the house again. I remember being so angry that I wanted to punch him, so I must have gotten into a fight with him. That’s how I ended up here. Right?”

His voice rises at the end of his sentence in uncertainty, as he waits for you to confirm and reassure him.

“Y-yes, that’s right Jimin,” you force your voice to sound as soothing as possible, even as you stroke his cheek absent-mindedly. He doesn’t seem to remember hurting himself, but since he can remember the encounter with Hoseok, his personality must have taken over after it happened.

“Is it true then? What he said?” His words jolt you back into awareness of your actions, and you hastily withdraw your hand.

“Hoseok? Wh-what did he say?”

“You used to date him, and you broke up with him because you got bored of him.”

That little fucking asshole. You clench your jaw as you imagine Hoseok riling Jimin up, and being entirely to blame for triggering Jimin’s personality.

“Yes, it’s true, we used to date, but I didn’t break up with him because I was bored of him.” You force yourself to appear as calm as possible, when all you can think of is the night you found him in bed with Bae Suzy, and that sickening realisation that accompanied it.

“Then why did you break up with him?”

You’re struggling to find an answer for him, fighting through the sudden flash of images that flood your mind.

Jimin watches you through sleepy, drooping eyes, but he forces himself to focus on you. Looking at you makes him feel like everything might be okay again, and you feel like home to him, if home was anything but a physical place. Like it doesn’t even matter that you’ll love him and throw him away at a second’s notice, because all he wants is for you to look at him like this all the time, never mind that he’ll get hurt, because it’s all worth it.

A part of him aches to be more than just your patient, even if it’s just temporary.

“He cheated on me,” is the simple explanation you offer him. And maybe it’s his drowsiness, or maybe it’s the genuinely devastated, heartbroken expression on your face, but Jimin finds that he believes it whole heartedly, believes you over Jung Hoseok any day.

“Okay.” Is all he says, and he takes in your look of surprise with something akin to amusement

“Just ‘okay’?”

“Yeah. Okay.” He gives you a sleepy little smile, and you return it, reaching to adjust his blanket.

Jimin grips your hand tightly, a mild panic clogging his throat even through the haze of drowsiness that tugs and beckons him back to sleep.

“C-can you stay with me?” He wills himself to keep a hold of your hand, worried that you’ll reject him and leave him all alone again. “Please?”

“Till you fall asleep, and even after then,” you shift closer to his bed, resting your cheek on your arm so that you can watch his angelic features stretch into a relieved smile, before he closes his eyes and slips into a restful slumber.

As you watch him fall asleep, only one thought occurs to you: Yoongi might be right after all. 

[softsadgay]

***woah here comes what is essentially an essay about my body image issues/disordered eating and it’s kind of... rough so just heads up***

(for the sake of my own clarity of both writing reading this (esp since i don’t expect anyone else to), i’m doing a combo of stream of consciousness and formal writing.) 

I’ve gained a lot of weight in the past 2/3 of a year. Not anything too wild and I haven’t weighed myself in so long that I’m not even sure the exact number, but enough the point that I have had to buy a lot of new clothes because some of the stuff from a year ago no longer fits me/looks really unflattering in way it didn’t used to. 

I started junior year by moving into a new apartment, and I no longer had access to a gym or running track (my family has horrible knees, so i’m terrified of running on pavement). Cardio has been a BIG part of my weight and mental health management for the last four years. From mid-2014 to mid-2017 I was running an average of four days a week, often closer to five or six, with a view periods of exercising for at least two and a half hours daily and only exercising two or three times a week. A range, but always a consistent presence.

There were a lot of reasons why I made running a big part of my life, and it had good and bad consequences. Was I over-exercising for many periods of my life in order to lose weight? Absolutely. Did I lose an obscene amount of weight because of it? Not exactly. 

Most of my weight-loss occurred when I made a major change to my diet during my last semester of high school. I went vegan and ate moderate size meals at consistent times of day. It started changing my body instantly. It was rapid and was exacerbated by my hyperthyroidism. I was motivated to make that change to lose weight after I was cast as Jesus in Godspell and knew I’d be on-stage in my underwear for my entire first number.

As time went on, I wanted to lose more weight. Always convinced I was “still too fat.” This mystified a lot of people, so I quickly started phrasing it as “being healthy,” which people will accept as a reason to work out excessively while eating far less than an active person should to support their body.

However, exercise also had some amazing effects on my mental health (though obviously not in the body image and eating department). I went off medication about a year before I started exercising. My mood swings were constant and dangerous. I would be entirely bed-ridden for days. Other days I would be at 142% and bouncing off the walls. I had multiple episodes were my depression made me aggressive. It felt like being possessed. My mom remembers that period of my existence as being an entirely separate person from who I was before and after that year.

When I was exercising, I was being consistent enough for it be creating the chemical equivalent of a strong anti-depressant. Obviously I was still dealing with mood swings and really horrifying thought habits, but I was generally a lot more stable and happy. Working out was compensating for my brain.

I’d used food and over-eating to cope with my emotions and mental illness for many years leading up to this period. I never saw it that way, but in hindsight, it was absolutely an issue. It vanished temporarily when I changed my lifestyle. 

And then it came back. At first, only occasionally, with immediate horror afterwords. Triggers were varied, but often came from days were I had either particularly high emotion (feeling impervious to food) or incredibly low emotion or stress (a need for something comforting). It increased in frequency over the next two years, but was still fairly “controlled.” It was the minority. The rest of what I was doing in diet and exercise more than compensated for it. No one could tell it was happening, and the few people who had the details to put two and two together didn’t.

Over this period I would occasionally gaining a bit of weight, rarely noticeable to anyone but I was losing weight when I wasn’t gaining it. (I actually have a major anxiety around that. It’s been so long since I felt like I was doing anything other than gaining or losing weight. I never know how to stabilize and maintain.) And while my mental health wasn’t perfect by any means, I was overall doing okay. Some hopelessness, but I was moving along in life.

Then this year happened.

I wasn’t able to easily work out the way I’d been. I decided this would okay. I would eat a bit less than when I’d been active. I’d still do some in-home muscle routine things to keep myself a little active, and I’d rely on dance class to be the more rigorous activity. And for a period, this kind of worked. This period also had complications. There were two boys who I placed a lot of undue meaning on to validate me, neither of which were ready to validate themselves, much less another scared person. I also made a very dumb decision and got cast in my college’s production of Spring Awakening, which was incredibly triggering and stressful.

Suddenly my mental health was failing. I’d started drinking, never able to do so without having at least five or seven drinks, but averaging on ten. I was having mood swings again, though thankfully rarely as extreme as they were in high school. I was losing interest in things I cared about. I was regularly considering self-harm and suicide.

In my theory, my brain was freaking out. The things that truly used to help it function better, like exercise and routine, were gone. The things that I added to my life, like alcohol and boys and sex, were not giving it the consistent lift it needed. And my brain was searching for anything to get the endorphins it wasn’t getting. That’s when my diet changed again.

I decided I didn’t care about being vegan anymore, which is a valid decision on its own, but it was for the wrong reasons. I needed something to self-medicate with. Binging “healthy vegan” food was not satisfying enough. My brain needed more. So I stopped being vegan.

I was eating like someone who was going to die the next day. It was the kind of eating that got addicting quickly, especially since I have a disposition to addiction. It also didn’t do the job my brain indulged in it for. It gave an extremely brief feeling of freedom, before immediately switching to self-hatred and depression.

But my brain still needed something. For brief periods where I’d allow myself to drink again, alcohol would take over as the solution, but alcohol was a lot more intrusive and harder to hide, so food reigned as #1. And that’s how things were for several horrible months.

I was gaining weight consistently. Clothes started wearing different. I could see the change in my body, and a few other people did too.

And then it stopped again when I started dating the boy who would become my first boyfriend. I wanted to take better care of myself again, and the high of a new relationship supplemented needing a different regular coping mechanism. (To be clear though, the relationship was actually incredibly healthy and positive. It’s unfortunate that I wasn’t finding other sources of stability, but it was a positive source.) I stopped binging as regularly. I completely stopped drinking. I applied myself more in dance and all my classes. I ate more consciously, but not strictly. For two months, I was stable, and really happy and confident.

And then that high ended too. The boy started growing distant and I was losing steam. I starting binging more. I started drinking again. And then, for entirely unrelated and very good reasons, we broke up a little before the semester ended.

And that’s how we get to the last two months. No school or routine. A few brief periods of eating better and exercising, and then binging daily and occasionally getting drunk. And unsurprisingly, I’m incredibly unhappy.

And then in the past two or three weeks, I started getting on the horse again. Falling off, but then getting back on. It’s been five days of being on it now, and, though I may be a little optimistic, it feels like it’s going to stick this time. I found a nearby park to run at. I’m eating well, though perhaps a little restricted. I’m being more productive. My mental health is getting to a better place, and the effects of physical activity should get stronger over the next month.

Today I looked in app were I have a few progress photos from two periods of my time actively trying to lose weight. They don’t have dates and I don’t remember exactly how far apart they were taken, but I’m fairly certain I was taking a picture once a week. I remember being able to see the change when I took them, but being frustrated by how slow I was changing. Looking at them now, it’s terrifying (in every sense of the word) how fast my body is able to change if I give it the right variables.

I’m not above wanting to lose weight. And I don’t know if that’s good or not. I want to get back to the weight I was a year ago. I know I’ve never been satisfied, but I’d like to fit all my clothes again and feel good about myself again. If I’m truly happier and healthier, what’s wrong with wanting to lose weight?

I’m worried I’ll start the same cycle again. And that’s why I’m writing all this out for the first time in a coherent way. The last four years have been a incredible, if not terrifying, learning experience for how my body and mind work for and against each other. And that’s what I’m reassuring myself with. I’ve learned. The same thing can’t repeat because I’ve learned. I won’t go off the deep end again because I learned.

It’s a new horse and I’m a better rider now.