#this is not a complex take but maybe this is just an indictment on the literacy of people who are still rwby fans

[shithowdy]

i'm turning off reblogs for this post because everyone has collectively decided to piss on the poor and ignore my emphasis on this being about so-called original settings and instead made the post almost exclusively about rwby fix-it fics

if your "original story/rpg" idea is rooted in the premise of "what if [existing franchise] was good?" then just start over. i am not kidding. your ego is like insulation spray foam being inserted into the cracks of the premise-- sure it fills the gaps, but it's beyond ugly and everyone can see it.

[todayontumblr]

Friday March 31.

Tumblr's Friday Explainer: Indictment.

For no reason, no reason whatsoever, absolutely none at all, we have decided to take you good folks with us on a little lesson in law. And no, not bird law, The Law; criminal law, to be precise. Every day is a school day, after all, so we figured there was no better time than this, the 31st, the last day of March 2023, to give you a little schooling on "Indictment". It is an important step in the legal process, and you never know, it may come in handy: you yourself may fancy yourself as a hotshot lawyer, or maybe you just can't get enough of crime dramas such as Better Call Saul, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Boston Legal, or indeed Suits. It could even give you a helping hand navigating the noisy, complex world of #us politics. You know. For example.

Well, curious critters, at a basic level, an indictment consists of a formal written list of what a suspect is accused of. An indictment, it is important to remember, is not a conviction—instead, it means that a prosecutor may move forward with criminal charges. Gosh, isn't that interesting!

With that, you can go about your Friday safe in the knowledge of your newfound, well, knowledge. And you're in good company, too, because as luck would have it, Tumblr's indictment fandom community are all beside themselves with excitement today. For reasons, admittedly, still a little unclear. 

[freesia-writes]

Chapter 29: Reactivity

During the Clone Wars, the Bad Batch is tasked with a variety of missions across the galaxy. An unexpected addition to their team throws a wrench in the mix, particularly for Tech, who finds a particular connection with this disillusioned Padawan-turned-mechanic named Vel throughout the events in this action-adventure romance. COVER ART BY @zaana!!

Master List of Chapters

One week later. They'd completed the mission on Yalbec Prime by the skin of their teeth. Bruised and bloodied, Clone Force 99 landed in Tipoca City, the stairs of the Marauder folding out elegantly as if they hadn't just been in the fight of their lives. Crosshair slinked away for some solitude, Wrecker beelined for refreshment, and Hunter had a report to deliver. Tech remained on the ship, his face uncharacteristically hard. His lips were in a thin line, brows heavy, and he responded with merely a jerk of the head as the others split up. Vel wasn't sure what to do with herself and decided that now was as good a time as any to work on the capacitor that she was fairly certain Tech had tampered with again. 

She was torn... she knew that he was holding himself entirely responsible for the mishaps that resulted in the injuries and setbacks they had faced, and she could tell he was fuming for not having predicted the entire situation precisely down to the last detail. Which was a ridiculous expectation, of course, but... She wanted to comfort him, to bring that spark back to his beautiful brown eyes. Opting to let him come to her, she made herself busy in the corner of the cargo hold, fiddling with the maintenance panel that connected the capacitor to the other stuff.  It was maybe five minutes when the door whooshed open, admitting the armored pilot who stalked in and threw his helmet to the ground with a shocking amount of force. Vel was startled at such an uncharacteristic display of anger. Armor plate after armor plate dropped beside it as he freed himself of the plastoid exoskeleton, treating it as though it were repulsive to him. Once his attire had been reduced to just his blacks, he banged a fist against the side wall and leaned his head on it, letting out a frustrated sigh.

"Tech, there was no way--" Vel began.

"There is always a way, and I should have seen it," Tech interrupted angrily, whirling to face her. "Yet I did not, and it created far more complexity than we should have had."

Putting her hands out helplessly to the sides, Vel gestured her surrender. She'd never seen him like this before and felt simultaneously cautious and intrigued. He continued to look at her, eyes hard behind yellow lenses, emanating an energy that made him look taller than usual. He dropped his fist from the wall, taking a deep breath. She approached slowly, setting her spanner on a nearby crate as she sidled toward him. She found herself unable to take her eyes away from his. There was a conflict going on; she could feel it. But she couldn't discern what it was. His fist clenched and released at his side, and now he took a step closer to her.

"I have not had a truly clear mind in a while, and I believe you are the cause," he said accusingly, though without any trace of malice. Was that... playfulness? Factual flirtation? He took a deep breath and took another step forward, now getting into her personal space. The inches between them were electrifying, but Vel still felt indicted somehow.

"I'm... sorry?" she said, furrowing her brow. "I think that's a pretty standard part of the infatuation stage of a relationship..." 

"Relationship?" Tech asked, as though he'd never heard the word in his life. Every remnant of his anger vaporized in light of this revelation. It sent a chill through Vel as she realized with shock that perhaps he was only interested in exploring the physical connection? But no... the words he'd spoken to her, the way he saw her... It couldn't be just that... 

"Is... Isn't that..." she stuttered, taking a deep breath before speaking calmly. "Isn't that what this is?"

"A relationship can be defined in many ways. I am hesitant to accept any sort of label without being clear as to precisely what it entails." Their closeness in stance but distance in communication was jarring, and Vel struggled to gather her thoughts. 

"Um, you want me to... like... lay down the parameters? Or what?" 

"I believe it would be beneficial for each of us to describe what is expected, so that there is no misunderstanding or disappointment."

"That's kinda hard," Vel said softly, placing a tentative hand on his shoulder in an attempt to feel reassured. He responded with a light touch to her waist, relief cascading over her. "I don't want to scare you away with some lofty, detailed idea of the future. It feels like it would be too much." 

"Why would it be too much?" Tech inquired, mouth twisting in thought. "One does not begin to build a ship without a clear blueprint of the steps and the desired end product. To do so would lead to inconsistent progress and haphazard results. It seems only natural that one would declare their intentions and desires, so that both partners are united in pursuit of a shared goal."

"I don't know how you make it sound so romantic," Vel laughed, only partly joking. He was so unlike anyone she had ever known, so complex and intelligent, equally curious and knowledgeable, witty and insightful. "You go first," she said sheepishly, still feeling wildly unbalanced by his straightforward admission.

"Well, barring any extraneous variables that are impossible to account for at the present, I would like to pursue further emotional and physical intimacy with you, as well as a deeper level of companionship, all increasing in direct correlation with our solidifying commitment to each other. I understand that there may be unreconcilable differences or events that may change the course of our intentions, but..." he paused, tilting his head. "But as it is impossible to foresee... I would like to enjoy every moment that we have... together."

A light quip was all Vel could access in her hurricane of a brain, swirling with excitement and affection, "Most people just say 'I love you'", she chuckled, still feeling a jolt of tingles through her chest as she said the words. 

"Hmm, perhaps I was unclear," Tech answered with an almost playful tone, lifting a hand to caress her cheek. "I am not yet professing such a thing." Her heart sank, and she wondered how long she could endure this roller coaster of emotions. "However," he continued, gently brushing a thumb across her lips, "With the exception of any recklessly foolish actions on your part, I do not think it will be long before I do."

Vel laughed, a flush of relief and joy and utterly blissful confusion sweeping away all the fears and anxieties. She marveled at her immense affection for him, as well as his own ridiculous way of communicating that was both frustrating and intoxicating, and gazed at him with a slightly dumbfounded expression, simply in awe of where the universe had brought her. The look on her face brought a small smile to his lips, and Tech tilted his head to regard her with a glimmer in his owlish brown eyes.

"Humor," he murmured, "I have it too." 

She laughed again, shaking her head minutely and burying her face in his neck. "You are the most confounding, tantalizing person I have ever met."

His curled fingers gently tipped her chin, bringing her face up to meet his. He leaned in, their mouths so close they were almost touching, but paused with just enough restraint to create a magnetic sense of authority and confidence. Vel's lips parted with expectation, exhaling softly and closing her eyes. He looked at her for a split second, then closed his eyes as well, placing his lips over hers with a soft yet powerful force. She inhaled deeply through her nose, filled with his scent and strength, and felt an electric current surge through her entire body as she brought her hands to his chest.

She could have stayed there forever, but he pulled away, moving his hand to caress her cheek and meet her eyes. He waited a painstakingly long second before slowly coming in for more. He kissed her longer this time, hand roving back up her cheek to nestle on her neck, behind her ear, fingers wrapping around the back.

He was precise, calculated, and completely focused. His other hand snaked around her waist to the small of her back, pulling her up against him. She felt herself melt, reaching her arms up around his neck, but he paused for a moment again. The teasing rhythm was intoxicating.

"I do not want to cross any lines," he murmured, face inches from hers.

Vel had no words to respond, but reached for him, one hand stretching up the back of his neck, pulling his lips toward hers. The other hand dropped to his waist, where she slid it up under his black shirt, and he shuddered at her touch on the side of his stomach. It was a shocking, novel sensation that ran through him like an electric current. She started to reach further upward, but he stopped her suddenly, pulling back once more.

She hesitated, unsure if she'd gone too far, searching his eyes for a clue. No reply came; instead he picked her up swiftly, setting her on a crate and stepping in close, her legs dangling on either side of him. He reached his arms around her, pulling her to the very edge, up against him so there was no space between. She felt lost in his presence, senses on fire from his scent, taste, and touch. 

He kissed her hard, the edges of his lenses digging into her brows. He was an inexplicable combination of gentleness and passion, tenderness and confidence. Breaking for a breath of air, Vel tentatively reached up to his goggles, but he placed his hands over hers.

"I... do not like to take them off," he said, slightly breathless.

"I'm sorry! Of course. I just thought it would be nice... for you..." Vel replied earnestly.

"I am sure it would be," Tech mused, lowering his head and dropping his hands to his sides for a moment, "But to be perfectly honest, and as impractical as it is to even consider, I already feel... insufficient in appearance, and even more so without them, due to my lack of the traditionally attractive physical traits of even my fellow brothers."

Her heart swelled, feeling such warmth at the complexity and vulnerability of this man. She traced her fingers down one cheek, cradling his face with her other hand, bringing her fingers to the tip of his chin and placing a single, tender kiss on his lips.

"I do not find you to be lacking in any way," she said, using his own words from the waterfall. The shadow of a smile flitted across his lips, and he bowed his head in acceptance, closing his eyes. She gently pulled the goggles away, lifting them over his head and setting them on the crate beside her. Now it was her turn to tip his chin.

"Tech," she whispered, yearning to cover him with affirmation that would allow him to see himself the way she saw him. But words weren't enough. She traced her thumbs across his eyebrows, down along the indents above his ears where the straps made their permanent residence known. "Look at me," she invited.

He opened his eyes, a rich honey brown, smaller in appearance without the illusion of the glass and yet brimming with emotion. He squinted at her, blinking a few times, before opening them a bit wider. "You are significantly fuzzier around the edges than I would prefer," he mused.

"Perhaps you're neglecting the full experience by focusing only on the visual," Vel said with a smile, again echoing his words from their forest exploration.

"Do you plan to turn all of my decadent wisdom against me?"

"Maybe," she replied, laughing softly.

His arms returned around her waist, pulling her closer yet again and kissing her deeply. Vel raked her fingernails gently up his back, feeling an involuntary shudder run up his spine. One hand remained on his shoulder while the other continued up into his hair, fingers clenching to give it a gentle pull.

A low, guttural sound rumbled from his throat, and Tech traced his mouth from hers down to her neck, brushing his lips along the curve while letting out a slow exhale. It was now Vel's turn to shiver, and she tilted her head as he explored her collarbone with feather-light kisses. He brought a hand to her cheek, raising his chin to meet her mouth, and gave her one last deep kiss before resting his forehead against hers.

They stayed there for a moment, eyes closed, hearts racing, and noses barely touching. Vel never wanted it to stop, tipping her chin forward to search for his lips again. They brushed against hers, his arms squeezing her tight, and then he took a step back, blowing out a breath and standing before her in a tousled mess of heat and bewilderment and confidence and vulnerability. She had groped his hair into a rumpled mess, giving him more of a faux hawk than his usual neatly-combed tragedy of a hairstyle, and she bit her lip at his incendiary appearance.

Without warning, the lift whooshed open and Hunter strode out into the clearing, mouth opening to speak before it promptly snapped shut. His eyes moved from Vel's flushed cheeks to Tech's head, noting the hair that had never once before been out of place. The hold reeked of all that had just transpired, assaulting his senses on every front.

He cleared his throat, minutely shaking his head as if to clear it all, "We, uhh, apparently missed a transmission when we were on Yalbec Prime. We're being sent right back out. Commander Cody wants to meet us on Anaxes."

Tech stared wordlessly, and Vel could practically see the gears turning in his head as he considered the situation. He looked like a wide-mouthed Gooba fish, and before he could concoct a response, she slid down off the crate. "Got it," she said simply, heading to her corner without another word.

Hunter nodded in response, eyes following her across the room before returning to Tech. They regarded each other for a moment, an entire conversation exchanged in the silence, then Hunter returned to the lift. The door remained open as he waited for Tech to join.

Delicately picking up his armor, Tech fetched his helmet from the corner where he'd tossed it, then quietly entered the lift, turning to face the open room along with Hunter as the door whooshed shut in front of them. Just before it closed, Vel caught a sidelong glance between the two of them, as well as the lightning-quick smirk on the corner of Hunter's lips.

reblog artwork by @vimse!

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[glittering-snowfall]

In her article "Blood and Guts in High School," written for Criterion in 2023, Farihah Zaman writes:

"Leaning into her supernatural power rather than fearing its consequences, Ginger now wants to get more out of life than she has ever been offered. In a culture in which it was—and still is—rare to see women who are justifiably angry in mainstream theaters, Ginger has finally found an outlet for her creative, dark, weird, emotional spirit, and for her righteous rage. Perhaps becoming a werewolf hasn’t changed her so much as draw out the innate parts of her that were previously quashed. This makes her turn to violence less of an indictment of her character than a logical foregone conclusion: she was offered a portal to another world, a world where she might live deliciously, and she took it, come what may."

I would like to unpack what I disagree with about this statement, while also highlighting aspects of Zaman's article with which I agree.

First of all, if Ginger can be said to have "righteous rage," then that rage is misdirected. Ginger recognizes the boxes that the patriarchy imposes upon girls and women ("A girl can only be a slut, bitch, tease, or... the virgin next door") but she doesn't want to dismantle those boxes or the system that puts them in place. Her goal is to "coast on how the world works." She cannot see a way out, for lack of a better word. The promise of "out by sixteen" still replicates the power dynamics of "the way it has always been" for the sisters - and is, from the start, overshadowed by the second option of "dead on this scene." Indeed, death feels like the only way out that's actually a way out. It stops someone from taking part in the hierarchies into which they have been born, but it also leaves them... well... dead. The "ultimate fuck you," as Ginger puts it, but as Brigitte points out, the very forces Ginger would be "defying" by suicide would still be in place, and the people still alive could just... laugh. Could just... ignore or absorb the gesture to make into something it isn't. And, as the film goes on, "out by sixteen" decays into "going way, way out there, way, way far from where you live" - turning on Brigitte because Ginger has given up on "fixing" the problem of lycanthropy. It's just more shit the world has thrown at her that she didn't ask for and, in her mind, "you can't fix this" so she tries to adapt to the (new) status quo.

But adapting to the status quo is what Ginger has always done, for all her defiant bravado. Her declaration that she is the one who is going to make it out and not Brigitte masks a heartbreaking sense of hopelessness. She's using the language of escape, but it's clear a part of her thinks she's already dead, and has maybe always thought that.

The lashing out at Brigitte also highlights that Ginger's "rage" only targets those she has some degree of power over, or are "small-scale" targets that do not actually disrupt the status quo.

I agree with Zaman when she writes:

"And here, in high school, is a volatile population with burgeoning intellect and opinions, yet very little agency or experience to help them find an outlet for that inner life; with all the complex emotions of adults but lacking the same tools to process them. This powder keg of feeling is bundled up and shoehorned into a claustrophobically enclosed, chronically underfunded institution, where seemingly arbitrary indicators of superiority determine the level of satisfaction or even survival that a human being will experience for years at a time. And who feels the weight of this system, with all of global patriarchy pressing down above and through it, more than teenage girls?"

But killing Mr. Wayne doesn't make a dent in any of that - and Ginger knows that, she already thinks it's impossible to make a dent, she's just trying to take a little bit of power for herself, but she's not actually taking power. Killing a few cogs in the system does nothing to relieve the weight still pressing down on her, but it gives an illusion of power. Likewise, killing the janitor is less a grand gesture regarding abuse in the institution of high school and more an effort to maintain control over Brigitte by a) forcing Brigitte to share in her guilt and b) deflecting from Ginger's own predatory intentions toward Brigitte.

Ginger does have "very little agency or experience" and because of that lack of agency, she targets who she can. She doesn't have the power (or even the desire, really) to undermine "all of global patriarchy," but she does have power over Brigitte. She cannot reshape the forces that afflict her - whether they be the hierarchies of high school or the sexual violence metaphorically depicted through the lycanthrope attack - but she can reshape Brigitte. She can curtail Brigitte's agency as hers has been curtailed. She can influence Brigitte's identity, first by whispering in her ear and then by trying to persuade her to turn. That is the opiate that distracts Ginger from all the things she is aware afflict her, but that she cannot touch.

In the past, I’ve characterized Ginger as a victim of the patriarchy who ends up emulating the patriarchy in an effort to lash out at it, citing Karen Walton’s statements that Ginger’s is “a story of self-destruction. Which is the antithesis of a feminist story” and that she sees Ginger as “mimicking a gluttonous, cartoon-like existence that at least in my own writing I associate with the tradition of the white male. The idea that, hey if I am powerful I get to do what I want” – and I stand by that assessment. Ginger feels the weight of the patriarchy pressing down on her, as Zaman suggests, but because she cannot attack the nebulous systems and structures crushing her down, she tries to use their assumptions to her advantage (“A girl can only be a slut, bitch, tease, or . . . the virgin next door.”) and to exert control over the few people she can in order to not feel completely powerless.

And it’s tragic because we see how much Ginger and Brigitte have in common – both still kids, both trying to carve out individual identities in a world that stacks the deck against them – and we see how they have loved and supported one another for years (Karen Walton, in the same interview where she tells how the film is about a “relationship that becomes unhealthy and deadly” still highlights how, before the breaking point, they “took strength from each other, nourished and informed each other for a long time” – and so it’s heartbreaking to watch that relationship get broken down by systems of power – but in a world of hierarchies, where the only hierarchy Ginger finds herself at the top of is the hierarchy of her and Brigitte (older sister over younger sister), she uses what she can to her advantage – because that is what she has been taught by the world that you have to do in order to survive.

She doesn’t survive in the end, of course, because the forces that pit her against others like her keep power for themselves. And besides, she's never really believed there's been a way out anyway.

[arbitrarygreay]

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Absolute least favorite trope in the fic: inserting new world-building so that the controversial actions that Alder does in canon are all rationalized into woobie-bait. Examples: "Alder was forced into the Biddy bond!" "The Martyrdom was actually a lesser evil!" "Alder felt regret about signing the Accords!" "Alder was forced into doing things by men in power!" Since fucking when has the US military been meaningfully held accountable for anything, or their power (and the military industrial complex) had a reduction in growth? Name me one irl modern general that doesn't believe wholeheartedly in militarism. The nation can do much wrong by the rank and file (including appalling treatment of veterans), but the brass? Hah. And neither do the brass of the MFS military waver in their belief in militarism, either. We know that they could play malicious compliance via things like Tally's dispensation if they wanted to. They don't want to. The "magical enforcement" didn't stop Dodgers from existing, nor did it stop Nicte from deserting. The slow-play of the invasion of the Cession could have just as easily been done in their deployments in other nations, or in their hunting of Dodgers (like Scylla's parents). (Even Anacostia doesn't have a problem with torturing Scylla for information. "Gotta break a few eggs." No one agitates for the closure of GuantanamoSt. Dominique, either. There's no doubt in my mind that MFS's detention centers carry the same controversies as our world's.) No. Alder not only has no regrets about the Accords, she believes in them. She truly believes that all witches under her jurisdiction should serve, and that it is an honor to do so. She believes in the concept of glory in battle, and wishes for her soldiers to, as well. Alder's instinct is to hide inconvenient information from the chain of command and the public, which further proves that if she wanted to commit malicious compliance and covertly get around the wishes of those in power, she could, but she chose not to because she doesn't have a problem with the Accords or the wars she's been in. Most relevantly, Alder maintained the conflict of the Spree as an alternative to nationalist conflict. Letting the Spree propagate was her solution to Liberia. That is how she thinks, not even the smallest inkling that maybe she could modify the Accords and aim for our world's progressive strategy of pushing anti-discrimination policies and full civilian population integration/equality/equity. The idea of de-militarization is borderline anathema to her. She doesn't see conscription as slavery at all, but an honorable duty. Someone who says "I never needed The Hague's approval for my actions. I simply extend the invitation to accept my rulings." has a particular relationship to power. If the director of the CIA said this, we would not pretend that they are laboring under the yoke of anyone. Nah, that's just plain ol' mundane deep state. (Meanwhile, in 3x4 the scene with Alder and the Marshal shows that she definitely did not take on or continue using the Biddy working under duress. She's grateful for it, he's not morally indicted for using it, and they called the exchange "sharing." In fact, that might even imply that the Marshal could have been willing to share the Working without the deal, but Alder negotiated the creation of the Cession as thanks.) These characters are so much more interesting when they are allowed to do women's wrongs, for this show to explore how a world of alternative supremacy means that those alternative figures of power will still commit the same ethical pitfalls with it. Let them commit war crimes, as a treat! The relationships are so much more interesting when they have to grapple with real universal flaws instead of hand-waving them with "[other demographic]'s prejudice made me do it."

[ssaalexblake]

It is funny though, because at the start of the stp season a bunch of themes and plot lines were identifiable, and while i wouldn’t have picked them, that’s not an indictment to the story or writing, it just meant I wasn’t a fan. Had those plots played out, again, wouldn’t have been super happy but in an opinion kind of way. Sadly, Most of those plots that were hinted at, structured and set in motion at the start have just failed to come to fruition in any way, let alone meaningfully. It’s just devolved into. Something. I don’t even know what to call it. I would not use the word meaningful Anywhere though. 

I honestly thought this would be an examination of trauma, I thought this would be a changing of the guard in all senses where it would Basically be kid!fic where you’d slowly get intro’d to the offspring and they’d all band together to save the day in the end when the parents got themselves into heaps of problems, hence the ‘the next generation’ name of episode 1 that was So tone deaf I thought it had to be there for a reason, I expected the finale to be called ‘the next generation part 2′ as the bookend (to be fair, it might be called that, i have not looked) like how Discovery had parts one and two be the premiere and finale in S3. 

I thought maybe that we’d be given a narrative that cared about the trauma that apparently drove Beverly to act as she did, but she’s basically been a stock character. I thought maybe we’d get more than a line about how Thad dying really traumatized Deanna, I thought that since he died that Deanna and WIll would be fighting tooth and nail and worried about their daughter whom they don’t seem to have spared more than a thought for with No explanation to us as to why they’re Not terrified for her. Not only should they be worried in general, but as parents who have lost a kid, they should be beside themselves Because of that pre-existing trauma. I thought maybe somebody Might tell Data about his kids, and how one is dead but the other is alive and well and how they could meet. I thought maybe they might mention Alexander, have Worf and Picard talk about finding out they have sons years after the fact. I thought maybe Alandra LaForge might get to do more than, well, not doing anything really than being there. I am at least glad that Sidney got that small micro plot with Seven. 

I thought that maybe, with all the absurd amount of set up they gave Shaw and his borg trauma, they might Actually talk about the complexity of it At All? I would not have picked a character like him taking up so much narrative time if it were my choice, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t say something interesting with him. But not only did he take up space from so many other things, they didn’t even bother to Discuss his problems! Instead they have him show zero remorse for any of the objectively shitty things he’s said and for no reason apparent, suddenly decide to call Seven by her actual name and drop dead. He didn’t Learn. He didn’t Heal. He was stagnant. They wanted me to care that Seven’s name was used? then write it competently. It was possible, easy even. Didn’t bother with it. 

I thought maybe they’d write Raffi as a continuation of S2 Raffi instead of cherry-picking her out of her state of mind from some time before S1 started. This is all the more insulting because it was in No way necessary to do this. Raffi’s plot would have worked out just fine Without this all. She cares so much, her choosing to go undercover into danger and temptation just to save people even thought it’d be hard because of her relationship with Seven would have been just fine, but it would have involved writing about Seven and Raffi as a pair even the tiniest bit i guess. I suspect that in the finale we’ll get an ‘oh we never stopped loving each other’ moment that absolves them of degrading the gay ship by virtue of it working out fine in the end. The very end. The kind of end where there’s just no Time to go into depth about it. Really. We Wanted to but couldn’t! yeah. Sure Jan. 

I thought Maybe they’d remember the past two seasons of this show? I’ve never seen a whole season of this show more than once, I do Not know the absolute nuances of these seasons, and even I know how much they openly fucked up/disrespected what happened before and I am not running at expert level, more at casual fan level. 

It’s just that i have listed a massive list of things they could/should have done, and i cut myself off an could have gone on. And it’s not that they’ve gone with messages I didn’t like instead of the above because if i’d had the choice I wouldn’t have really even picked those things. It’s that they set up a bunch of things and didn’t bother to say hardly anything interesting they start to say they veer off of for the #nostalgia. They’re not even Trying to say something at this point. 

at first, they veered off course for the self insert white man OC whose parents Happened to be That Cool Ship Off That Show. Ain’t that a fanfic insert of the times. And yes, it was annoying. But now they seem to even be veering off even That because the gang’s back together and that offers more TNG worshipping than the Fruits of Their Loins I guess. 

The bottom line of this season should not be ‘wasn’t tng super cool!!!’. I would take a plot i do not personally like Any day over something this objectively badly written with the depth of a puddle. 

In any other show, i’d now be predicting what i think would happen in the series finale from what has happened before in the show. 

I am not bothering. There’s no point. It doesn’t matter. If there is a chance for a great moment, supported by the narrative and relevant to themes, and there is a chance for a scene where we get to see the whole TNG crew reminisce together, the latter will win out instead. A good story will be in some ways predictable to those paying attention, and i cannot predict a thing because i cannot rely on them to follow their own lead. 

[sincelastsession]

I understand that I'm a difficult and complex patient and when I say difficult I mean I'm not the easiest person in the world to treat and I don't try to not be treated I'm just saying it's hard to figure me out and it's hard for me to figure me out it's hard for me to explain and communicate.

And I don't exactly think that any therapist has ever enjoyed being my therapist.

Feel like a lot of people give up on me and I'm hoping that doesn't happen

And just because I know a lot about therapy because I've been in therapy for so long does not mean thatI know how to execute those things and then I do have pretty terrible executive dysfunctiand going on right now and most of the time

And sometimes I feel like if I just was able to get a nerve block that worked that was like successful that I would be able to experience and enjoy life and I might not have some things going on it might just all be because of trauma and stress and PTST shit I don't know though

But I always feel like time blind or like a pressure to be on time and to focus on time and it stresses me out

I had to tell my dad that I needed to talk to him about like 6 different things he was trying to tell me aboutAs if I was gonna remember everything he said verbatim and I couldn't and I kept asking him please text it to me or email me that information so I can put it somewhere where I can at least go back and find it and read the information if I need it and it took me a few tries for him to understand that I am not gonna remember anything he verbally tells me when I'm overstimulated for whatever reason.

And the problem is I have been overstamulated for what feels like most of my adult life it's just gotten worse and I have these meltdowns and these automatic reactions and I get angry and I text and I get reactive abusive and I can't stop I have not been able to stop.

There has been no pill or practice that has worked so far I'm willing to try some things But don't get mad at me if I tell you I have done that multiple times and it did not helpBecause this is not the first time I have spoken to a therapist and ask them for help about this and been unsuccessful

I would love to be successful

I don't think anybody realizes how tired I am all the time either and I'm probably having some thyroid problems but my indictment knowledge is a stupid idiot who won't listen to me about my own body and what medicines work for my body and have worked in the past and help me think

And I'm about to blow up his inbox on my chart because why the hell am I not on thyroid medicine if my thyroid was low I have hypothyroidism currently and I'm not on anything for it and that's probably fucking with my head as well

And then not to mention all the physical disabilities that I have and the pain that probably doesn't exactly help any of this situation

And I feel like I'm on top of shit mountain and shit mountain just getting taller and taller and fucking taller and it's so hard to clean up all the shit on shit mountain and I just want off of shit mountain

I just want a helicopter to come and take me off of fucking shit island off of the mountain off of the shit Volcano that I'm scared is going to erupt at any point in time

And it's so frustrating it's hard it hurts I hurt

I hurt in my heart I hurt with my physical disabilities I hurt with my Mental disabilities I hurt with my memories and I don't get many breaks from the pain

And right now I'm pretty upset with my partner because he said he was going to make time to call me today and talk to me because he knew it was gonna be a hard day for me and maybe he had a hard day as well but I'm still hurt about that

And people keep telling me oh you seem like you're doing so much better and I don't see it I really don't I don't understand I am literally doing worse I am having a flare and I'm probably having a physical body flare of my immune system issues and I have so much shit to take care of and all I want to do is just magically have enough money to just run away and go to the Netherlands like I was supposed to do for my birthday last year and that never happened and it didn't happen this summer when I was gonna go and people at this point probably just think I'm lying about it But luckily Ashley is really chill and just tells me you know when you're able to comeJust let me know and we'll figure out a good time to fly you out and all of that and I'm like okay cool so that's less pressure on me about it but I'm still mad because I desperately need a vacation

And my mom asked me if I wanted to go to biloxi and check out this casino and stay in biloxi for the weekend and I got upset with her because yes I need a vacation no I don't want to fucking go to biloxi but cause I don't want to be reminded of certain things but but yes also I do want to go but no I don't want to deal with my mom's bullshit and I don't know what to do

I'm not trying to be a brat and I know that everything or a lot of what I say sounds bratty and reads that way and I don't know how to change it to make it look better and I'm so tired of trying

I am tired of trying I don't want to quit but I'm fucking tired I really do need a God damn vacation and I don't need just like a 2 day vacation I need like a real vacation

I have actually had a real vacation in a very long time

I've gotten to go out of town to visit a friend but now he won't even fucking talk to me because he's seriously dating somebody and he's out from the country and their girlfriends get really possessive and fucking insaneIf they talk to other women as friends which I think is the dumbest shit ever and I don't know if he's alive or dead because he won't answer my text messages and I'm talking about Mike that lives out in abbeyville and his father died and I've been trying to check on him and talk to him and he just ignores me and my text messages and I don't know what happened and I don't want to call his mom and find out that he's dead or something

It really bothers me that a lot of people I know are doing really well yet I don't know how they're doing really well I have no fucking clue how they're good at the things enough to make the money they're making I have I doesn't make sense because I know these people and I'm like what sort of fucking witch craft are you doing to be able to do that I don't understand other people it's like I feel like I'm having to study them all the time

And I don't know if I'm even cut out to work like other people work because I have to get my brain straight in order to do that in order to somehow figure out how to make money and be fun actually independent and I wish I could be this lovely ethical slut that could be a financial dominatrix then do all the sex work and dress in these beautiful clothes and be very confident with their body and all of this other shit but I'm not I'm just a fucking autistic Traumatized little grammar of a person and I don't know what to do

Like it's so hard for me to just do basic things currently

Like I need to take a bath I took a shower this morning but I really need to get some Epsom salts andAt take a soak and then I need to drain the bath and run it out and then I need to take another bath and do a whole like regimen

But what I've been able to do is just take a bath and take a shower and wash my hair very basic self-care is all I've been able to do latelyesterday I wasn't even going to eat I had just given app on the idea of eating I wasn't hungry I couldn't make myself hungry the idea of food made me want to vomit and then finally I got the munchies and ate some food and felt a little bit better And thenI ended up staying up till 5 AM and freaking out again and then I went to bed and I got up at 10 AM And then I took a shower and then I sat around and mentally prepared myself to deal with my dad today and then I went and got a burger and I ate my burger and then I went to therapy and dad was not how he normally is he had his mask on real well andNothing went at all like I expected which is fine because nothing ever goes how I expected to be andFor me and for my brain and for how I took it it did not go well and now I'm not even fucking remembering parts of it which is disturbing and worrisome to me andI don't even know what I was gonna say because I'm super duper stressed out right now and I just keep talking and I can't shut the fuck up and it's just like compulsory and I don't know what to do and I'm having really painful Charlie horses all over my body or I guess painful muscle locking cramps andI probably should smoke my medical weed and take care of that and go to bed but my brain is wide awake And I want to do so many things and this happens every day where I get all these ideas to do things and I'm like yeah I'm gonna do the thing and then I never do the thing

And making a list is fucking pointless a list is just a self-destructing thing for someone like me I it doesn't matter if I have it in my head it doesn't matter if I have it on paper it doesn't matter if I have 15 alarms set with the list it doesn't work with my brain and I wish it did I wish I could be a super duper organized person and keep a planner my sister keeps a planner and I don't know how she does it I have no clue I don't know how people do that I don't know how people stay organized because I can't stay organized to save my fucking life

Like gun to my head and tell me to organize my shit and I would just tell them to go ahead and pull the trigger because like it's just not happening I'm not good at it I don't know what I'm doing but you know what's hilarious

I'm really bad at cleaning up after myself and taking care of myself but I'm really fucking good at doing that for other people

I'm also really good at dressing other people but I'm not good at dressing myself

I am also pissed off because I haven't had the ability to make any new artwork of fuck and I have no use and I don't even know if I enjoy art anymore and I don't know if I have any passions and I don't know what I want to do with my life and I have no idea if I'm ever going to end up and a relationship other than the current one that is good and fulfilling for me

And I want all the things that I see that my friends have and it looks like it came so easy it looks like they had such an easy time doing it or it looks tremendously hard and impossible for me to do

And I'm so scared I shouldn't be scared to live my life but I'm terrified all the time I'm scared that someone's gonna pop out and be mad at me and that's gonna hurt and I'm scared to get hurt and I'm already hurting and I don't want any more hurt

And I'm seeing my sister turning to me and I can't stop it and no she's not exactly like me but I see a lot of the same things happening and it's because of the way my dad is abusive towards her and what he thinks is okay to treat her like but also she has some serious problems

Like I know sometimes people smile when they're nervous or they have like a weird emotional response like that's kind of a normal thing that just happens like I laugh at funerals because I don't even know what else to do I get so overwhelmed by grief and instead of crying after I've been crying for a while I just start hysterically laughing and I have to fucking excuse myself so people don't think that I'm a bitch

But my sister since she was very small has always gotten this dead eyed look on her face and grinned when she was doing horrible shit to me

And when my father is extremely abusive he makes the same fucking face even though they're not blood related it's the same sort of whatever I don't know I can't diagnose that

And no one believed me until my sister got a little bit older and my mom started to notice

So I got punished for years and tortured by her 15 years younger than me for years and she doesn't remember any of it and if she does she thinks it's funny and I don't even know

I don't even know how I had a time jump from like 7 PM and now it's 1 AM and I haven't even been typing that long I know that other things have occurred since then but I feel like there's missing time and I don't know if it's just time blindness or just associative issues or if I am in desperate need of a vacation and sleep

I mean I don't know what I need I don't know anymore

I do and I don't

I just find that life is incredibly hard and I'm tired

I'm so tired I'm not at risk or anything don't pick up the fucking phone please dear God but you know I'm tired dude I'm really tired

And you know my dad has promised me so many things and one reason I'm so angry with him and so frustrated with him is because he promised me so much and I didn't even ask for it he just told me Hey I'm gonna do all this stuff for you and he got my hopes up and then I found out that he doesn't know how to manage his money and I have noticed that my mom doesn't know how either and They fucked up and all the money that was supposed to go to helping me or helping me go to college etcWent to adopting my sister and my dad getting a new car and my mom needed to pay bills with inheritance money that she swears wasn't inheritance money but my uncles are like no your grandmother loved that to you and your sister and your mom used it and they both don't like my mother and my uncle who is a priest flat out was just wasted on the phone the other day when I was asking him a question and he was talking shit about her but I couldn't fuss at him because he's An uncle that actually does kind of care even if he doesn't understand but he was also shit face drunk and I wasn't going to argue with a drunk priest uncle because I've already done that before familyAt family gatherings and he's just sprayed me with holy water and recited parts of the Bible like a fucking Dick

I wish I could talk to my schizophrenic uncle. It is so nice to talk to other people who are actually mentally ill and do understand family dynamics that are insane it's refreshing because yeah they aren't understood very well either but we understand each other

And I really hate this whole idea of autistic people having to fit in with normal people and the world is just not built for us it's not andIt's just not built for different minded people at all

I mean my psychiatrist in his PA talk to me about how I'm incredibly smart and I have all this stuff going on in my brain all the time and the world's not built for people like me and they told me that you know my intelligence and my ability to think about certain things in certain ways is like a super power and yeah I get that it's a little bit cringed to call it a superpower it's more like a curse to me because damn I wish I was dumber I wish sometimes I was just dumb as a box of rocks and could just have a job and go through life having a job And big a dumb dumb and not havingA fucking care in the world because I see like people that are questionable if they're not like a bunch of animals in a trench coat or like people that look like they secretly eat glue and crayons as a snack and I'm like how in the world do these people get through life walking around acting like ignorant dumb fox and I'm having problems with like basic shit like making sure that I brush my teeth and brush my hair and bathes And it's stupid and I'm so angry about it

And I'm mad right now that my hips hurt and my back hurts and I can't do anything about it unless I go to the urgent care and get some anti-inflammatory shots in my ass because otherwise I'm gonna have to lay in bed for a few days and I don't want to do that and I want to do a bunch of other stuff but I'm exhausted and I have to take a break and I don't want to take a fucking break

And I don't know why I always feel like I'm in a frantic rush like I'm the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland screaming we're late we're late

I don't know what I feel frantic sometimes and I guess it's anxiety related or I don't know

I miss my grandmother's so fucking much I really do

They understood me and my uncle understood me and he still alive and I would really love to visit him but nobody will let me and I don't know how he's doing and I'm just sadd I want to know my odds and my uncles and not be treated like shit

I wish I had a tighter knit group of friends and a better support system Travis is wonderful and all but since I've been hanging out with him other people are acting weird because they're not understanding that he's sober because they haven't seen him in a long time and a lot of people think that we're dating and I had to correct so many people at the metal show and it was not fun To be like yeah that's no that's my brother you know no thank you he's really great though and you should definitely talk to him if you're interested but I am not interested

And the thing is sometimes I look at him and I try to be interested I really do because he's nice enough to do there are some things about him that I really don't like but I know he would be good to me but I'm not attracted to him in the way that I would need to be I don't see him like that he's like a brother today he literally farted at me and then ran out the room like an asshole Or a brother I don't know

But like it was just weird everything's weird I just want to be back where I was going to shows and socializing and God damn I miss having sex it's been so fucking long and it takes so long for me to have a connection with somebody to do that and maybe I just need to get laid

Maybe we just need to figure out a way to get me laid without me losing my mind maybe I need to have a one night stand that's really good or something but I'm not that kind of person no I was cursed with demisexuality and it takes me a long time to like somebody and jump into bed with them or I have to be horribly comfortable around them I have to feel at ease

I don't even know if I like sex anymore

Like if this is too much information you can just skip over it because I'm gonna keep talking about it I can't really Get myself to pleasure myself anymore and when I do it's more of like a compulsive thing because I feel like I just need to get off and go to sleep it's not something that like I'm enjoying anymore and I don't like this

And I had to talk to my GYN because I have never had a traditional orgasm like I'm supposed to and so the Doctor was like well there's a procedure we can do where we can inject plasma into then you'll have orgasms and I'm like that sounds really cool we could try that if I can afford it but like I also get these awful sists and The doctors figured out what's causing it however there's been no treatment for it because they want me to lose weight but I have thyroid issues and even if I Stick to a diet and exercise it does not help me drop weight until my metabolism is working correctly and if I'm in hypothyroid then it's not working and if I'm in hyperthyroid then I drop weight or super fast and I don't know right now I can hear my Neighbors screaming at 1 another and it's Driving me Insane because it's Really late at night and I shouldn't be able to hear people screaming at each other from 2 Doors down Inside of their apartment

And I told my dad that I would be willing to stay short-term in a downstairs apartment somewhere safe and quiet if I didn't have neighbors above me that stamped around or at least the noise was muffled a little bit because people get on the roof above my apartment to fix the AC units for the apartment surrounding me and some people just climb app there and party and I can hear them when they're walking app there and it's so Loud and scares the shit out of me every single time Since the time I moved in

So I don't know if having an upstairs neighbor is tolerable for me and I do not want to make things hard on my family and I already feel like a huge burden

And there was a time where my dad was doing nothing but calling me an imposition For weeks he was doing this I wasn't serious pain I had a back injury I was using a Walker to move around and he was being abusive to me severely and telling me I was faking everything while I was crying in pain't struggling to get up the stairs and he just drove off and left me by myself to figure out how to do things and I had to pay my ex-boyfriend to stay with me when my father and my mother could have done that where my sister could have done that and all I needed them to do was just fucking call EMSIf I fell and my doctors have been telling my parents to move me to a downstairs apartment and get me some sort of help when my back is fucked up If they can't as my family help me

Because I was always taught that family is supposed to help family and be the ones that you can talk to about anything and be closest to and that's why I don't want to give up because I want that and I was lied to

There's just so much I'm finding out at 37 about the way people think and work and just operate and I don't understand it doesn't make sense to me I don't get it it's not clicking in my head

And people are like well if you know it's not clicking in your head then shouldn't you be able to figure that out and I'm like no but because my brain does not work like yours and I don't think like that and I could try to think like that but it doesn't make it click into place

It's just like I don't understand why my partner being my dominant and helping me get things done by tasking me works but it does and I don't know how he can magically put me in subspace and I feel completely relaxed and safe and like I'm being protected and then I'm given Like long distance after care a little bit of a chat or he'll check on me the next morning and see how I'm doing and nobody else Has ever really been able to do that with me and Figure out how to loop hole my brain But he does and he's good at it and sometimes I ain't like hey I really need help today because I can't fucking function

And if he has the time then yes we do that and if he doesn't then he lets me know but usually he won't leave me with nothing he'll at least tell me ZI can wear my collar and tell me to find something to keep myself busy until he can do something for me or Whatever.

You know he wants me to find a partner here and I'm looking and it's just really hard because it's not like I can really be dating people here actively right now and letting them get to know me when I'm still figuring shit out and in therapy for all my crap and about the only person that I would be willing to sleep with currently is my ex-boyfriend who does not seem to be interested in whatsoever but I could be wrong because I can never tell when somebody is interested in me it's confusing as fuck people have to like directly tell me hi I like you I would like to have sex with you I would like to date you etc like otherwise I'm fucking clueless

I hate this so much

I hate the incessant compulsive need to just process all this shit constantly for pages and II don't know if it's helping me or not

I mean apparently according to my psychiatrist this is actually a good thing for ptsd but I don't know

I'm not noticing the good things that other people are about me and I don't know what that is Like I don't know what is changing for the good and they tell me that like I'm doing so much better and then I'm like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about dude

Also completely off-topic since I'm not really staying on topic anyway but completely fucking off-topic out of left field I need to talk about something well I'm thinking about it

So I used to hang out with Matthew on Sundays and Father's Day was Sunday and Matthew still follows me on TikTok and liked quite a few of my reposts during probably the time he was supposed to be hanging out with his kids and wife for Father's Day stuff and I feel that he probably would rather be here with me but he chose to not divorce his wife and Stay together with her for the kids benefit which is stupid in my opinion but I understand that his kids come first but I still think that a divorce Would not hurt the children and no I'm not talking about Matt in New Jersey I'm talking about Matthew who was a transperson and They use heat they pronounced and they wanted to be more feminine but unfortunately they were kind of built like a Jack marine and it just wasn't like a girly style that they wanted to try and say they just presented as masculine and male and I have discovered that I am attracted to people who are male to female trans or or I am sometimes attracted to Stone top lesbians though I have never gotten to experience any sort of intimothy other than with Matthew who was a sexual so the intimacy was only just cuddling and they caught me off guard 1 day when they just gave me the world's most beautiful Wonderful kiss and the last time I saw them in person They went to leave because one of their kids was very sick and in the hospital but before they left and walked out the door they ran back over to me and they kissed me and And then the next thing I knew his wife was calling and it all blindsided me because he told me he was looking for a lawyer to get into force but it turns out that he had gotten a house with his wife and they had been going to couples therapy and he had just neglected to tell me for 4 fucking months out of years of a relaxing spin time together type relationship Z He just didn't want to hurt my feelings by letting me know what was going on

He didn't think that his wife was smart enough to figure out that he was coming over to my apartment and I wanted to be left out of the drama because I had heard the way that she spoke to him and it was horribly abusive and I was always under the impression that they were separated and in the process of trying to divorce and I was lied to you and that hurt really bad and I did get an apology and I do believe that they are sorry And I miss them desperately and I can't reach out any more than I have because it's going to get him in trouble because his wife is really awful and the only reason he's with her and chose to stay with her is for their kids and sometimes I hope that he will change his mind and divorce her and show up at my doorstep And sometimes I think about well maybe he will wait until the kids are 18 and then say fuck you to her and come back to me but then I put that on a shelf for later and I walk away from it because it hurts so much

And last night I met the most beautiful Woman who was definitely male to female at med city ballroom I believe she works there and I wanted so badly to flirt with her but I didn't know how and she was so pretty and It was so interesting because she had a very strong masculine deep voice but she looked very very feminine like she started her hormones very early or something and if she had spoken in a woman's voice I would've never known because usually you can kind of tell by facial structure and body build but no not with this person And It makes me want to go back and see her again but I don't even know her name

And one thing that Matthew told meWhen I discovered that I likedMale to female transpeople he was aggravated by that and what he was aggravated about was that I wasn't interested in dating a transperson that had bottom surgery I was interested in transpeople who aren't interested in bottom surgery who want to date women who want to have sex with women but are still trans and women themselves And I was told that this was wrong and I don't understand how that's wrong and it made me cry becauseIt's just a preference it's not anything that's like a fetish for me it's just what I don't see how that's wrongAnd who knows I maybe would date somebody with bottom surgery but I could never be sexual with a woman that way because I have had a horrible trauma and I am not interested in female genitalia at all I don't even like my own but I don't want male genitalia that I'm aware of

I experienced romantic attraction I experienced sexual attraction I think pretty sure I am I guess pansexpaul and Demi sexual. I don't know whatever labels and terms else I would identify as

I mean me myself I don't really know if I identify any certain gender but I just use she her pronouns because it feels easier because it just feels really complicated if I want to use other pronouns and having to tell people but I don't even feel the need to do that and people don't generally believe me when I tell them that I'm not straight or people think that I'm a lesbian because I don't exactly dress feminine or really give off feminine energy to them

And I really do wish that I could be somebody but I don't really feel like somebody I just feel like a part of a brain with was a body and I don't even know if this is me or part of me talking and II don't know

And and there's so many lives I want to live and so many things I see and it just doesn't seem possible

I wish I had some sort of aesthetic and style for myself I wish I had some sort of cause play type identity that everybody else seems to have

They seem to know what they like to wear and know what looks good on them and they can flaunt it and pull it off and they look great and I feel gross and it doesn't matter if I'm thinner because I have been thinner I've never been skinny but I've been thinner and I still look stupid and things that I would try on and I've been bigger than I am now and I look terrible and the clothing that I would try on and I don't really have very many clothes to wear I just have like 2 pairs of pants and a bunch of old ass shirts with holes in them and It's really not great

And my mom gives me clothing and when I wear it it looks like old lady clothing of course because she is an older lady and it ages me and I want to wear leg a crop top but I look stupid wearing them because I don't look like the fat girl models that look good in those clothes

I just don't my body shape as bizarre

All the things that are flattering come in ugly colors and bad patterns or it's too expensive to buy and the sewing machine I was given because I was like fuck it maybe I will sew my own clothing well nobody knows how to work it and I was promised my other grandmother's sewing machine but my mom is letting abusive alcoholic man probably use that or she's like squirrelled it away and says she's gonna use it someday but if you saw how absolutely filled to the brim her house is of just boxes of stuff that she's going to get 21 day it's sad because the hoarding disorder she has is Very sad and her need to constantly get more things and buy more food because she felt sheaker app with scarcity even though both of my uncles are not like this at all and they told me that she got everything she wanted growing app and she would throw tantrums if she didn't and she never really got in trouble and they got a brunt of the abuse from my grandfather and according to my oldest aunt on my father's side he's always been out of control And strange acting since he was young and he's done some fucked up things and I looked up things and I don't know who to believe

Anyway circling back to my sexuality I don't know what to do anymore about dating

Like I'm happy with Matt but he's right I do need somebody that's here. Unless he decides to just move down here I don't have anyone. Sometimes I think he gets a little drunk and talks about wanting to move to New Orleans and retire and live here with me and that sounds like a wonderful thing andI know that he really wants to marry his primary partner who already has a husband and that's not something he can do and not and I consider him my primary partner but he wants me to have a partner here and I understand that but I haven't found anybody that's acceptable and I would consider dating my ex-boyfriend again because he's sober now andYou know he would always apologize to me about all the awful shit he did and I let him get away with and all that and I was like well you know verbal apologies don't generally make me feel any better because I've had you know my family apologized to me for hurting me and then they do it over and over and over and over and over again and apologies begin to mean nothing to me and the only thing that means something to me is seeing a change in a person And them doing the work and proving it to me and I do wonder if that's something he chose to do for himself or partly because of me orIf maybe I just contributed to it by putting that in his head when I was talking to him about how you know apologies are great but I'm tired of having apologies and not saying any changes like maybe that clicked in his head 1 day or I don't know maybe somebody else magically convinced him to get silver I'm not sure

And I love him and I know about all the stupid shit he's done like shit that no other girl would put up with but it's not really a big deal to me

And he's fucking younger than me and I don't know if that's a good idea even my partner is 2 years younger than me

I wish I could like Travis I just don't though and it's really aggravating I can't make myself I've tried I've tried to get myself attracted to him and I just can't do it I know everybody really wishes for that tap but it's just not going to that I can see

And I have spoken to a lot of really cool nice people and they seem interested in me but no one ever tells me if they are andI don't know what I'm doing anymore

And I'm really lonely like my partner tries his best and today he was supposed to be here for me he knew it was gonna be a hard day and all of that and he wasn't here for me and it hurt andI don't know if he had a reason or if he's just fucking forgot because he's an alcoholic and he needs to get his shit together but you know I promise not to fix him but he also let's me know whenIt's OK for me to call him out on bullshit and I'm pretty timid about calling anybody out on bullshit other than I'm late unless they are hurting somebody I love and care about

And I wonder if I do actually love and care about myself and that's why I am so vicious and protective of myself and I do wonder if that's why I'm so vicious and protective of people I love if there's like a correlation between that if that makes sense I don't know but like I never really thought about if I loved myself or not because I don't really know what myself is I just know that myself Never got protected it never got Justice for what happened to her and she needs somebody to protect her or she's going to get hurt Again and we can't do it we've been trying and I don't know where she is We look for the course self all the time and sometimes she's then she disappears and I don't know because it's real bizarre because I'm part of her I am her but then I'm not and We don't know what's going on with that I don't know what's going on is what I don't know if it's me or if I'm crazy or I mean I don't have like pretty much given up even reading about this sort of stuff because it is so confusing

Like how do people go about Not being broken into pieces because I feel broken in a million little pieces and you know it's really weird if you have me do handwriting my handwriting changes constantly and it's really weird it's like script and print and the styles change and It's really bizarre and you know I see the paragraph that I wrote wee and I'm like who the fuck is we but I know that there's a wee because I know it's just I don't understand how to explain it

I don't like talking about it because I don't want some other diagnosis so a Doctor can treat me like I'm crazy and tell me to quit smoking weed and take me off of my anxiety medicine when I actually need those things for pain and all sorts of other reasons

And I've already explained the purpose of those medications so I don't need to go over that and you No somebody has to protect her

Nobody protects her

And I'm scared that everybody's going to find out that I'm not like them

But I also don't know why I care

I don't know why I can't just say fuck it

I don't know why there's just no Justice for all of the bad things that happen I don't know why people don't follow rules I don't understand that I don't know if this talkie part of me is an altar or me or a disorder or just PTSD or 80 HD

I'm not correcting that we can all figure out what that means I'm pretty sure

You know I always suspected that I had some sort of disassociative disorder and my mom's even made comment about like how I always was spacing out especially when they were arguing but I don't understand why they never stopped are you and once they noticed that it was causing me to great distress because who the fuck does that to a kid what the fuck is wrong with grown ass adults why do they do that in front of children I wish I could slap the faces of every single fucking person that does that And then like chokes slam them into a wall and tell them that they're gonna fuck up their kid to hell if they continue and they shouldn't be fucking parents if they're going to continue acting like that

You know I could have really hurt my sister and my family doesn't know that I could have really really hurt her when she attacked me and I had so much trouble trying to fight with myself and parts of myself it's all to hold it together and just like shove her ass out of the way and try to block the hits that were being thrown and all the bullshit she was screaming at me and I tried really hard to reason with her And I thought about putting her in a hold where she couldn't get loose and I could just make her take a little nap on the carpet and she would be fine but I didn't want to hurt her Or cause her any more distress and my dad told me that it wasn't about the candle for her that she was just pissed off because she had a bad day at work and that makes me even angrier now that I know that it had nothing to do with the candle for her because I thought it was all about the stupid fucking candle

No she's just immature and a little asshole and she just decided she was gonna try and beat me up

I grew up with people that would go to the person they hated's house and if their parents weren't home they would go in the house and drag them outside and beat their ass on their own front lawn

I grew up with gen x people.

I ran around with my best friend Going to fucking trap houses and I'm not bragging about it it's not cool the things that I experienced I rode around in the back of the car with her getting stoned as hell while her boyfriend and baby daddy and her friend's boyfriend and baby daddy wrote around and sold crack and the only reason that I know what a crack rock looks like is because they showed me and it looks like a block of parmesan cheese it's wild and now I know as I call it Certain slang names and I've never done it I've never touched it I've never actually physically touched it because I know that shit can soak in through your skin and people don't realize that Also I mean it's made with lake household chemicals and that's pretty fucking gross

But also I have definitely smoked a Blunt that had Coke in it before and I did not know it and It made me incredibly sick it did not get me fucked up it just made me sick and want to fucking die and I thought I was dying but I didn't and I would never want to touch it again

And then one time my mom's shitty alcoholic pet boyfriend whatever the fuck he is got me some weed because I didn't have anybody to get it from and it was laced with cocaine and PC P and I smoke that and it was a large bag of it and he said it was Mexican weed and I really do think that it fucked me up and the reason I know what it was laced with is because I was waking up in puddles of sweat and smoking entirely too much constantly and then one evening I had an auditory hallucination about being in a ballroom with leg you know like bridgerton style and this was before bridgerton existed and it was like mentally in my mind's eye I could see everything and physically I was just laying in bed But I could hear the talking and the music and it was beautiful but it was also terrifying and so I asked my dad to go get me a Drug test and I pissed tested myself and it popped for those 2 things and I was horrified so I had him get rid of it and everybody was like I would have taken that that's hilarious oh my God do you know how expensive it is to get PCP and I'm like why in the world would you want to do those drugs

Like why would you want to do PCP?

Like you know how anti psychotics can cause people all sorts of problems yet that drug can wreck your brain for the rest of your life and I worry that that's what happened was before I moved out of his house right before I moved in with Lucy and Don't know if it did something to me and changed me. I do know that it can profoundly change people and it can cripple them and fuck them up beyond belief

And then one time I smoked opiumThat was in a Blunt and I thought it was really weird that everybody else was nodding off and faded and I was wide awake and like Hey guys Hey hey I don't fucking hurt this is the best thing ever who wants to go on a long walk with me andWe're all so fucked up and I was just pain free.

I never did that again though

I was always scared of doing other things

I did try the stupid gas station weed before and all it did was give me an awful fucking headache back in the day when spice was popular

I was like fuck that

And then I used to go get dackeries a lot with Kelly and I would ride with her so she could go get her pills and I would help her find fucking hose clamps.

But I never took those medicines unless I was prescribed them for paying for myself for my own problems because I wasn't interested and how they made me feel I'd just liked having no pain but I never had an addiction to them that was never an issue I've never had like any sort of addiction issues

And I guess I'm lucky about that but sometimes I look at the vodka that lives in my refrigerator and I think about just getting wasaid because I just want to

And sometimes I look at alcohol and beer in the store and I want to get it and I don't have any sort of drinking problem or anything but there's so much history in the family of drinking problems that I don't know I don't want to tempt fate but sometimes I do want to go out and have drinks and get drunk and I don't really have anybody to go out and party with and Justin Was a person that I was going to be comfortable doing that wasn't till he got really fucking weird and we are still technically friends but I have been ghosting him because I can't really handle a lot of his behavior which is very similar to my father's behavior that I finally figured out what bothered me.

The thing is like he really likes me or at least he thinks he does but what I noticed is he likes the idea of me and not actually who I am and he had problems with who I am when I tried to show him who I was currently and he didn't like that and I'm just like well I'm not going to morph myself into the perfect little tradwife for you sorry that's not going to happen And then him insulting my partner really pissed me off and I've already told him off about it

Because what did he think that he was going to pretend to be Polly and then start dating me and then push Mat out of the picture

And the last time we spoke he was just like well I've been thinking about you in the most leg try hard flirty way and I was like you internally I wanted to say it out loud but I just didn't and I didn't even respond to it over the phone call and I just changed subjects because it's just like I don't know what I'm supposed to do cause I don't like him like that he knows it and he's still pushing even though I have put his ass in friendzone or whatever the fuck you want to call it people are like Always bitching about friendzone and terms and crap like that and it's just like oh come onEverybody knows that technically friend zone is just like you liked the person but you don't like the person enough to fuck them or date them so they're just a good friend because they're a nice person you don't want to like not be friends with them and then it just makes things complicated if the person can't just stay within the boundaries and he crossed my fucking boundaries by messaging me to ask how I was doing when I told him that I would message him when I was ready to talk and feeling better and I'm still not feeling better and he has continued to message me and I don't really Want to reply right now and he can just live with that or he can fuck off

And I don't know I think I'm just gonna stop for the evening I'd have plenty of other things to talk about and I think you know it's time that we have out decompression time and go to sleep

AndI don't know sometimes it just really feels like time is bending because it goes fast and then it goes slow and then it doesn't make any sense to me at all and thenI just start thinking about you know how the Earth and the universe is just not locally real and how all of that works and all these lake theories that it keeps me up at night but not in a bad way because at night I can just quietly do what I please on the computer and I can comfortably eat without feeling embarrassed or shamed and it doesn't trigger my eating disorder And I can smoke weed and not be bothered and I can do you pretty much everything except make loud assNoises because I don't really want to disturb my neighbors or I might be like enjoying myself loudly singing or something but you can hear through the fucking walls

So like generally I just watch Korean dramas and whatever shows that look good on Netflix and prime and I might also be playing like a Sims game and I might be having like 60 tabs open with 6 different rabbit holes of research I'm doing on some sort of niche subject that I have become hyper fixated on and then suddenly I'll be like I'm not interested in this anymore and I'll close it and then I'll be like oh no where did that go and I'll never be able to find the fucking webpage again and you know there's just So much information and I want to absorb all of it.

I have some videos that I have not posted that I'm going to post here

I found them to be very interesting and it really explains somewhat how I feel you'll and I haven't really looked at any disassociative disordered TikTok's but I was considering doing that to see if there is anything relatible to show you but most of the ones that I save are about like other mental health issues or narcissistic abuse or whatever that I very strongly Agree with and understand that I want other people to see and understand and share

I don't like that my dad has put me on a time crunch that I'm going to have to change phone proviters and you get a new phone and start paying a bill for that and he's acting like I can't just give him money for the family plan that we're on and I'm like are you planning to die soon and he doesn't look good like he'll eat it lose weight but he has no muscle it looks like and I'm like Hey I want to ask him hey you know is are you fucking dying are you going to die soon do I need to go ahead and start grieving now like I already grieved a little bit when I was on the contact but you know I quitBecause my mom would tell me about the awful shit he would say about me behind my back and the shit he would say to her and it made me mad and I was just like fuck him

And you know same thing with my sister who's just being awful to my mother and it's weird because my mom will be nice to me but then you'll turn around and be really nasty to me and you know next session it's probably going to be about things I do that she doesn't like.

I never really hear or see my parents act genuine.

It was weird as hell to see my father act the way he did today.

Chelsea said he looked scared when I asked what his facial expression was.

I was pissed that he was late.

I still don't understand what he needed to talk to you about first and why.

I left that choice up to you.

I can't go back in time. I should have said no. I should have just gone in together.

I started to panic when he went in there with you.

My father, the person that literally hurt my neck connective tissue and I had whiplash pain for weeks. I have evidence. I could send him to jail.

I didn't bruise and didn't think to take pictures of the red marks on my chest from my sister before they went away but she admitted she did it and not even about the candle

Who does that?

Now I'm angrier because it wasn't about that. She was just mad and had a bad day and wanted an excuse to fight.

I regret not fighting back or calling the cops now.

I regret not beating her ass to teach her a lesson.

Fuck her.

She didn't apologize and she's partying and getting stoned and drinking having fun not giving a fuck about what she's doing to others around her.

If she ever puts her hands on me again like that I will defend myself.

But no I'm being nice. I got her a bag with plan b and condoms and narcan and fentanyl test kits. I'm still trying to be a good big sister.

I'm trying to just be a person.

[project1939]

100+ Films of 1952

Film number 131: My Man and I 

Release date: September 5th, 1952 

Studio: MGM 

Genre: drama 

Director: William Wellman 

Producer: Stephen Ames 

Actors: Ricardo Montalban, Shelley Winters, Claire Trevor 

Plot Summary: Chu Chu, a Mexican-American farm laborer, dreams of saving enough money to live his own American Dream. He meets Nancy, a troubled alcoholic, and seeing the good in her, falls in love. Things crumble, however, when his racist boss refuses to pay him the wages he is owed, 

My Rating (out of five stars): ***¼  

For the first hour I absolutely loved this film- I would have given it four stars at that point. It was dark, sad, and more risque than most films of the time. Nearly all the characters were extremely damaged in an unvarnished way. But after about an hour, it was like the movie came to its senses and said, “Wait!! This is MGM in 1952! We can’t let this be some kind of Italian Neo-Realist stuff!” So it tacked on a happy ending and dispensed with most of the soul searching. (Some spoilers) 

The Good: 

Ricardo Montalban! First of all, the man is so beautiful I swear I could literally swoon if I was standing next to him. I kept writing, “OMG HE IS SO PRETTY!” in my notes. He was more than just a pretty face, though. His acting made me feel loads of empathy for his character. 

The character Nancy. She was one of the rawest and most vividly portrayed alcoholics I’ve seen in a Classical Hollywood movie. She wasn’t a glamourous alcoholic like the Joan Fontaine character in Something to Live For. She was desperate, self-hating, hopeless, and suicidal. 

We actually got some pretty steamy “female gaze” moments in this! The wife of Chu Chu’s racist boss often watches a shirtless Montalban working on the farm, and her thoughts are unmistakable. 

The two main villains in this, Mr. and Mrs. Ames, are so despicable you want to throw things at them. This made for really good drama, though. Then add in the fact that Mrs. Ames was much more complex than just a simple bad guy. She was one of the most broken characters, and it wasn’t hard to feel sad for her. 

The writing, especially in the first 2/3 of the film was pretty damn good. I often paused it to write down quotes that impressed me. 

The film was visually interesting- it was often darker and shadier, like a noir, but it still had a somewhat polished MGM look. 

The subject matter was shockingly dark and risque for the time, especially for MGM. 

It was pretty cool that a Mexican born character (and actor!) was the star of the movie- almost every single film released in 1952 had a white protagonist.  

The indictment of racism. Chu Chu is often subjected to racist remarks and prejudiced treatment. Slurs are used in the film, but they always come out of the mouths of bad guys. The character we are most meant to love and empathize with is Chu Chu. 

The Bad: 

Chu Chu is probably too perfect. It kinda reminded me of later Sidney Poitier films- some of the black characters he played were almost saintly, clearly to make them likeable to anyone but the most terrible racists. I get that there are good intentions behind it, but I wished Chu Chu could have maybe had one noticeable flaw! 

The broken English the Mexican characters spoke got to be a little much sometimes. 

The final 30 minutes or so were a letdown for me, mostly because the tone suddenly seemed to take a 180. What was gritty and realistic started becoming more sentimental and idealized.  

The ending, especially the change of heart from the Ames, seemed almost ridiculous. 

The romance between Chu Chu and Nancy wasn’t very believable. As interesting a character as Nancy was, I felt dumfounded that Chu Chu would fall in love with her. She was an absolute mess who needed medical care. I kept thinking, “She doesn’t need a boyfriend right now, she needs professional help! 

[femme-objet]

the cool thing about moderates is that it usually doesn’t take very long to get them to defend hitler and/or slavery

[ambivalens999]

A (Very) Disorganized Analysis of Snape

As preface, this is neither a defense nor indictment of Snape’s character so much as a…very disorganized exploration. My only aim here is to explore what I find to be the fascinating complexity of his character.

Just to get this out of the way, I am just going to establish the following as accepted fact:

Snape was, among many things, a bully

Snape likely committed—or at the very least, aided / abetted—terrible crimes as a Death Eater

Whatever happened in Snape’s childhood, that does not give him a free pass for the terrible things he did

There are going to be typos in here and I apologize sincerely for them.

On the relationship between Snape and Dumbledore

The few private conversations we do see in Snape's memories are very interesting. When Dumbledore asks Snape to kill him, Snape wonders out loud if Dumbledore is worried at all for his soul, or (he alludes) if he thinks Snape is already doomed and his soul simply doesn’t matter anymore.

I also think a lot about Dumbledore forcing Snape to teach Harry occlumency his 5th year, and Snape being resentful not just because it's Harry, but because of the danger that potentially puts him in? Even if Snape's mind is impenetrable, Harry's as established is decidedly not.

For many reasons, I think Dumbledore and Snape’s relationship must have been very, very complicated. For one, I think Snape would have had a far more intimate view of Dumbledore than Harry, and thus a greater understanding of the man beyond the symbol of virtue/infallibility Dumbledore was often seen as—he, unlike Harry, would have observed Dumbledore’s failings and flaws over the span of decades.

Possibly to a greater extent than Harry, Snape might have also perceived Dumbledore as both mentor / war general figure and pseudo father figure. Dumbledore, after all, was the only one who knew both the best and the worst of Snape. Snape obviously respected him a great deal in return--but, yes, I also think there would have been a great deal of resentment.

I think Snape would have always questioned how much Dumbledore valued his life compared to those of his Gryffindor counterparts. His skepticism would have been deeply rooted, developed as early as his school days—before he’d even become a Death Eater, before he’d truly gone down the wrong path—when the marauders went essentially unpunished for nearly killing him.

I think that pivotal scene with “after all this time?” "always" also shows how much Dumbledore, even after decades, didn't really understand Snape: his motives, what drove him, the depth of his loyalty to Lily’s memory. Perhaps, Dumbledore hadn’t believed Snape capable? Which might have only affirmed Snape’s resentment—that the headmaster, even then, underestimated him.

On the relationship between Snape and Lily

I know some people consider Snape loving Lily “after all this time” problematic? Personally, I don't see it in that light. I sense that there’s this “it’s creepy and obsessive that he hasn’t moved on from this woman who didn’t even love him back” sentiment, however:

Not necessarily a hill I’m willing to die on, but in the books his affection is never explicitly stated to be romantic in nature. (I recently saw @k-s-morgan​ take the same stance in a similar character analysis, so maybe this isn’t as much of a rare read as I think it is?)

If his feelings were romantic (and I acknowledge that they are heavily coded to be), to our knowledge Snape never ever attempted to force his feelings on Lily or even asked for / expected reciprocation.

To some degree, I feel like too much is made of Snape being romantically in love with Lily. More fundamentally, Lily was his first, true friend—possibly the only true friend he made in his life. This, alone, is sufficient in my eyes to lend her a huge amount of importance in his adult life.

From what we know of his childhood, Snape’s experience at home was rife with abuse & neglect; we understand that he left his house when possible to meet with Lily, positioning her as both escape and solace.

At Hogwarts, she was his only meaningful friend. This is not to say Lily was a saint, but I think it’s fair to say that, until their falling out, she gave him more credit than most and was willing to think better of him—i.e. that he was capable of becoming more than what everyone else assumed, which was Death Eater fodder.

So I feel like, sure, it's possible Snape's love had romantic qualities (maybe temporarily or the entire time), but the depth of his regard for her would have been rooted in something far more important than romantic + sexual attraction. At the risk of repeating this ad nauseam: Lily was his only friend, a person who expected more of him while most others expected less. If you only had one person in your life who saw you that way, why wouldn't they mean the world to you? Especially when he wasn't even getting that validation at home? (Not entirely analogous scenarios, but is James not vitally important to Sirius too, years after the former’s death?)

I think Lily could have easily symbolized so much of what was aspirational in Snape—his “better” self—because of the way only she seemed capable of seeing him (again, as far as we know from the books). I think this explains why it might not have been so simple for Snape to "move on," or why the "move on" criticism is perhaps even unfair, given that his attachment to Lily as a person, even as an idea, was very likely extremely complex + layered.

To be clear, I think Snape's connection to Lily goes way beyond just a failed love story (platonic or otherwise). I think a huge contributor is obviously guilt. Snape's not a happy man, and he isn't a happy one because he’s fucked up a lot: he indirectly killed her. In that sense, holding onto Lily / being hyper-obsessed with her for fifteen years makes a lot of sense to me.

On Snape’s Choices

Something that’s so fascinating to me about Snape is how realistic his character trajectory is, especially for a children’s series. I can see (again, without excusing him or giving him a free pass) what influenced him to make the terrible decisions he did and how he is, in large part, a product of his circumstances.

Snape grew up in an abusive household. Harry did too. But when Snape goes to Hogwarts, everyone basically assumes he’s going to become a Death Eater. He’s bullied by the four most popular boys in his year. He’s shunned by the other houses as most Slytherins are and is additionally perceived as lesser in his own house for being poor and a half-blood. After he parts ways with Lily—so there’s no one who truly expects differently from him—it’s unfortunately not hard to see how he might have been easily radicalized.

It’s also not hard to see how—after that initial rush of belonging, of having a place where he was seemingly accepted—Snape might have realized that he was in far too deep, just like Regulus was said to have: that being a Death Eater was not, in fact, something he wanted.

I know some read Snape’s change of sides as purely tied to Lily’s death. This is my take: I think he had reservations as soon as he understood what being a Death Eater truly meant, i.e. past the promises and pomp / ceremony that may have initially seduced him.

I think, still, that he would have been weak to the allure of belonging, the affirmation he may have received as a Death Eater—that he might have, at first, ignored his reservations in service of those benefits. I do think, maybe generously, that Snape would have left eventually, but it might have taken much longer if not for Lily’s death. So, I don’t think Lily’s death was the sole cause of his change of sides so much as the catalyst. 

As for his personal beliefs... I don’t think Snape ever truly bought into pureblood ideology with any sort of real permanence, beyond perhaps the pressure to fit in. To that point, I do not believe that during Harry’s time at Hogwarts, Snape is even subconsciously a blood purist. Nor do I think he is indifferent to the physical (if not mental) well-being of Harry’s peers. To be clear, I don’t think Snape risks his life as a double agent, at this time, just for Harry or Lily’s memory; I think that he also believes in what the Order stands for.

With Harry being the series’ lens, much of this is necessarily conjecture. But we know that Snape finds killing—even in service of a larger agenda—to be unconscionable. When Dumbledore requests it of him, Snape is extremely resistant. He wonders about the state of his soul. This does not read to me as someone without an active, moral compass.

[nealcassatiel]

Supernatural and Russia and the mess of Television Legal Contracts

One of the most important aspects of a television series’ life cycle is its distribution. It is in the stage of distribution when the production companies/studio recoup the largest amount of costs.

By looking at who distributes the show, as well as which companies stand to gain the most from distribution profits, we can gain greater understanding of the various complex agreements and finances at play.

Viewing Statistics in the USA, Russia, and other International Territories

Let’s take a look at where Supernatural is distributed, and it’s popularity in the countries in which it airs. 

After the US, in the past 30 days, Supernatural’s next biggest market is in Russia. The next is in Brazil. 

This got long - more under the cut (I’ll be talking about cuts shortly)

In Russia, Supernatural has been in the top 0.2% watched shows in Russia (link) . This is also the case in Brazil. 

In 2019, a modest survey was done on urban and rural Russians asking them what foreign television they watch. Supernatural was the 6th most mentioned foreign television show (link).

In 2017, Supernatural was three times more popular in Russia than it was in the US (link - this article has just a whole other host of information about it being popular amongst urban and rural US residents, as well as popular amongst both Republics and Democrats, however i haven’t looked further into that data so not going to discuss it much here)

So selling Supernatural to Russia and airing it in Russia is going to bring in a lot of revenue for The C*W and the production companies. That is a lucrative distribution territory and of a huge amount of importance to the network. Russia will air both new episodes, and reruns. Of course, if Supernatural made a queer love story a central premise, then execs are going to get scared that not only will the finale may not be aired in one of their biggest, if not their biggest market: Russia, but that the broadcasters who distribute the show in Russia might also pull the rest of the show and stop broadcasting reruns too. That’s a shit tonne fo distribution profits gone for The C*W, and who knows, maybe their relationship with Russian broadcasters who air their other shows will be on the rocks. After all, trying to sell gay tv to Russians right now is, sadly, never going to happen. This is not an indictment on the Russian viewers, but me saying that the show won’t be sellable to Russian broadcasters if it is too queer.

A huge huge majority of US Supernatural fans are progressive and wanted the more queer focused and found family ending. But the C*W and Warner believes that there are still enough US fans who don’t want something that progressive to be shown. They also know that one of their biggest markets is Russia, and Dean being shown to be bi will not go down well there. I’m just speculating, but The C*W may have looked at those chunks of audience who give them money and decide that they only care about those profits. 

The frustrating thing however, is that no matter the power of Russian Supernatural audiences, looking at the other progressive countries and the popularity of Supernatural there - these numbers as a collective outshine those of Russia. So maybe Russia isn’t that important. Or maybe all The C*W needed to think was ‘we don’t want to stop profits from our biggest international viewership’ and so they never even went further and thought about the collective viewership of the audiences from progressive countries. As I said at the start, distribution is where the companies who invested into making a show recoup the most costs. All the money that comes from distribution is incredibly important.

DISTRIBUTION AND CO-PRODUCTION AGREEMENTS

The writers, the crew, the actors, don’t really get the distribution profits. They may get small cuts of things or bonuses here and there, but they’re all essentially employed by the production company. It is the production company and studio who has sunken money into making the show who will get a cut of the distribution profits. So the production companies and co-production companies, the creator (maybe still if they had a good agent when they first sold the pitch), the network are all going to be the ones to care about how much a finale will matter to profits from showing reruns in less progressive countries. Dabb is an employee - he personally will be paid a fixed sum which is given to him by the production company. He does not care if SPN can’t be aired in Russia - that has no personal affect on him. He was paid to showrun the series and he’ll get nothing more even if it becomes the most watched anti-gay homophobic celebrated show in Moscow. He has no financial reason to cater to anyone. He’s just an employee. 

But if information like this, the knowledge that for multiple years TPTB have wanted Supernatural to cater to a non-progressive international and national audience for the sake of distribution profits, then the show should have never have taken the narrative to a place whose ending could not be green-lit.

If for the sake of these pofits and other secondary rights, for the sake of appeasing rural/southern USA viewers, and trying to keep an audience for Walker, The C*W derailed the final two episodes, then I still don’t fully understand why the ending was heading towards destiel when all of this distribution finance information has been known for many many years. 

It makes sense why such a terrible finale would happen, but it doesn’t make sense why up until episode 18, the entire narrative of the show was leading somewhere completely different? Why were the writers of SPN heading straight towards one thing, if they knew they always knew that they’d have to have a completely different ending? 

The Right of Final Cut / Final Cut Privilege

The answer may lie in the fact that The C*W wasn’t really paying that much attention to SPN, they couldn’t really see all the subtext, but suddenly the subtext all was going to become text and they were all twiddling their thumbs and looking for something to do during COVID when the industry shut down, so they suddenly got way more involved. 

Let’s quickly clear up who The C*W is and how they relate to SPN as a company. Supernatural lists The C*W as one of it’s distributers, but lists Warner Bros Television as a production company. When SPN started it was made by The WB (which is now The C*W). It’s all under Warner Media anyway, but we can basically say that Warner Bros Television (listed as a co-producer of SPN) is the sam as The C*W who is listed as a distributer of SPN. They’re essentially the same so The C*W is both producing and distributing SPN, as well as owning the format rights to the show - sorry that’s all complicated anyway The C*W are the big dogs who own Supernatural and have done from the beginning back when they were called The WB)

Essentially, The C*W have a co-production and distribution agreement for SPN. The power they have from that first agreement when they bought the show off Kripke is almost certainly still MASSIVE today. They are not only the ultimate distributers, but the ultimate producers with all the agreements and all the rights. 

Anyway, back to that first agreement: This was Kripke’s first big deal, and he almost certainly gave Warner Bros/The C*W a whole host of creative control in exchange for them sinking a shit tonne of money into making the show. Which makes me wonder if The C*W has something in entertainment law called “the right of final cut/final cut privilege”. If a studio or distributer has sunken a heck tonne of costs into making the series and are the ones who most need to recoup the distribution costs, then in their contract they may try to give themselves the ‘final cut privilege’ - essentially, this is the final edit. There’s the Director’s Cut, but then after that there is the Final Cut. The Final Cut is what is broadcast. Nowadays, most series and films don’t allow the directors to have final cut privilege anyway - it’s fairly rare from my understanding (one of my hats is a television legal contracts assistant, and all of these contracts still confuse me even though it’s an element of my job - I’m not trained in this outside of work so i apologise if this isn’t clear). The studio or distributer doesn’t even need to clear their final cut with the writer/director/producer. They can just do it. Cut it up and broadcast it, because they’re allowed to in their contract.

So with the finale episode being so short, a mess of montages, Carry on My Wayward Son versions back to back, a narrative mess, the pacing completely off, some scenes way too short and others way too long - this really could insinuate that the stupid clause of ‘the right of final cut’ was utilised by The C*W and without the need to get the permission or allowance of Dabb or even the other production companies, they edited everything they didn’t like out of the finale, citing their contract and the fact that they’re the ones who need to recoup distribution costs, and they don’t want to piss off large swathes of their national and international audience.

In Conclusion

So positives? Well, now that SPN is done and dusted, if there is a spin-off then this shouldn't affect distribution deals in Russia or Brazil. If whoever buys the format rights for Supernatural, allows The C*W to still sell the old series distribution rights, then market the new season of SPN not as a new season but a spin-off, then this will give them more freedom to not cater to the conservative international and national audiences SPN was beholden to due to distribution profits. What I’m saying is - a spin-off could free itself from catering to anyone who isn’t progressive. The old audiences can carry on showing reruns of SPN and completely ignore the new ‘fake’ gay spin-off. They can say that it’s a different production company, a different network - and therefore not the legitimate show. Great. Free SPN. 

A new format agreement could also mean that the new producers could ensure that not the distributer, but the director, or the new trusted production company themselves gets the Right of Final Cut. If another agreement is made, please please please take that right away from The C*W/Warner. 

The difficulty in getting the SPN rights would be caused by the mess of a Format Agreement to even get those rights... Supernatural is co-produced by Kripke Enterprises, Warner Bros. Television, Supernatural Films, and Wonderland Sound and Vision. I’m assuming Kripke Enterprises and Supernatural Films may be under Warner Media (as Warner Bros and The C*W itself is). If Jensen wanted to produce the new spin-off then his new production company is under WB/Warner Media too... so. Disentangling meddling and shitty Warner Media execs from a spin-off would be difficult because they own everyone. 

All in all, it’s easy to see now with that mess of a finale that this was caused with whoever has “The Right Of Final Cut/Final Cut Privilege’. And I HIGHLY doubt Singer or Dabb or any mere employee on the show has it. It’s more and more obvious to me that this power lies in the hands of The C*W/Warner and they didn’t even try to loop Dabb or the main cast in when making the final edits. I’m sure the C*W started to get involved at episode 19 and in the development stage of episode 20, but i’m certain they had a hand in the disastrous final cut. 

I hope we’re able to pry our beloved show out of the hands of those who don’t care about its narratives, but have more power than anyone to change the show’s narratives. Thanks for coming with me on this essay/me working out this complicated mess. It’s 00:50 and I'm super tired so I hope all this makes sense. Television contracts confuse me and I work with them so i dunno how clear any of this is. 

Anyway - I hope it was totally boring.  

[shallowseeker]

Dean as god theories are just “eh” to me.

Tw for hollywood portrayals of mental illness and religious paranoia

thought experiment

I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just, if we’re gonna go that symbolic, it’s not as compelling to me as Sam as the pseudo-primary “god/personality” and Jack as the maybe true primary “Hunter Heroici type of hidden god” perhaps Amara as the “traumagenic deep god” in a sea of non-integrated emotional and symbolic manifestations (that may or may not be complex manifestations of his past).

(And Chuck is based on the for-profit sleazeball using the recordings of trauma/case notes in connection to parallels, mirrors, fate etc to invite his pulp readers to perceive things a certain titillating way (“false god”). ) “Writers lie.” He’s also an advocate of fusion/integration, which is very outdated and traumatic for some systems.

Chuck’s book series is an indictment of the audience, especially the ones who know no real trauma (Hunger Games-coded Capitol), as much as it is a triumph of the audience using it to work through their own trauma (like perhaps Becky). I would say something about Sybil here but it makes me feel icky. I feel like the controversy is relevant for Chuck though. “Sylvia” (Sybil) appears in season 15 in Gimme Shelter. And I’m not convinced they weren’t covertly pushing this tired “gotcha.” And Chuck well…Chuck Shurley (Shirley Mason) was a bit on the nose.

From Nihilism

Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.

The anti-possession tattoo is a metaphor to ward off the family illness. It’s why individual growth and integration of characters like Chuck and Amara are threats to the universe. It’s why the “healthier” Sam gets, the more “the people” die. It’s even why Dean died.

It’s why Dean protected him from everything, even from dad.

It’s why Cas can “shift” Sam’s trauma to himself.

It’s why “I’d never put anything ahead of you!” in Dean and “Nothing is worth your life, Sam!” in Cas. It’s why Jack choosing Cas as his “father” is heartbreaking.

It’s why Jack is Sam, another doomed child. It’s a manifestation of, “If I’d had Dean and Cas back then, it would’ve gone right for me.”

It’s why angels, possession, and angel radio.

It’s why season 8 Sam’s delusion was Amelia and Dean’s delusion was Benny (Shadow selves and longing.)

It’s why that random gym guy says, “You said you’d protect us!” to Cas is episode 2 or 3 of season 15. Sam is blaming Cas for not protecting him-them-Jack.

It’s why Dean says to Cas in script, “I put on you what I couldn’t take.”

It’s why we.

It’s why hunting. It’s why the initial two monsters look like Sam and Dean in 15x20 and why it just feels more like serial murder here. Maybe even unaware/bitterly motivated murder to destroy that family’s perfect life that they can never have, and why Sam-Jack kill Dean here. It’s why the dad was drained of blood…and Sam’s bullet was soaked in a dead man’s blood.

It’s why when Mary died she said to Cas in flashback, “they were never alone.”

It’s why Lucifer says, “Sam’s different,” when referencing how people come back from the dead “not themselves.”

It’s why Jack makes the empty “loud.”

In this approach, Gods don’t often interact with their stories, and when they do, they have to leave to get back to their “real” words is the ableist implication.

That’s why Jack “takes himself out of the story” and sends everyone to their respective ends (death, the empty).

Its why, like a child looking at their caretakers, Sam didn’t figure out Cas and Dean for so long. One might argue he even judged them in bouts of religious paranoia. It’s why Sam concocted a confession in a dungeon in his mind, with Dean disallowed from speaking. Sam unlocked that they were a family but seeking their happiness was what killed them.

It’s why the rest of the story is Sam making peace with the people who already died long ago. And finally making peace with his figment of Dean.

​I prefer that Chuck is a god that won and wants it to seem more meaningful so he copied a bunch of edgelord takes from well known pop psych books with little insight into psychiatric conditions, and he just pats himself on the back. He’s a powerful singularity obsessed with monotheism and integration and he simply ate Jack, as evidenced by the charming acres style shots in 15x19 and the gloating nature of the dad being stabbed like Cas and the mom’s tongue being cut out in 15x20. It’s why they drained the dad’s blood and cut out mom’s tongue (callback to fridged Mary, mute Dean).

I mean you could argue they’ve always been sacrificing people to father-god and that creates a sort-of…god complex. But honestly in that case Sam is still sacrificing Dean at the end here, sending him somewhere he can “be happy” and “not hurt anyone anymore.”

But thing is…. ANY story could be framed as a complex delusion with main characters functioning as Demi-gods and chosen ones. It’s…not a novel take or a particularly compelling one.

So really… 15x20 is… Chuck rebooted the universe…with different rules of perspective. He sharpened the genre to be more rigidly psy-pop horror. Or, if he’s going by “Jack” now, he’s infected the SPN with reality in the same way Sam and Dean infected ScoobyDoo.

It’s stripped of the meaning of family. Chuck has found a new spin to explain the nature of story as delusion and a new theory of everything. This may be Chuck's new pitch. The ommitted scenes are purely manipulating reality to sell Chuck's new idea. We can always go edgier and darker...and soon we'll have a bigger HBO style budget!

[thefirstknife]

What are your thoughts regarding Myelin Games' theory about Sagira's message to Ikora being supporting evidence for the Nosiris theory?

This is Myelin's video!

So, his main position here in regards to Sagira is that Sagira's message to Osiris is basicaly a fake message and that Savathun wrote it to coerce Ikora into giving Osiris a high ranking position within the Tower. This does seem to fit Savathun's general operating scheme, but Myelin doesn't really explain his argument for this besides "Savathun would do this."

He basically doesn't list any arguments for why he thinks the message might be fake, besides saying he's not sure how Sagira managed to write the message seconds before her death. I don't think that works as an explanation because Ghosts are highly complex beings who can process vast amounts of data at incredible speeds. In D1, Ghost reads the entirety of Toland's Journal in 2 seconds. Link here (1 minute, 41 seconds).

He reads the message Sagira left, but he doesn't analyse it other than to assert that the message and Sagira's death are a perfect cover for Osiris to be given the position of Zavala's advisor. And I agree! Sagira's death really is the perfect cover for Savathun to pose as Osiris in the Tower and have the excuse to pour over Vanguard records about the Light, Ghosts and other things.

But let's look at the message:

But before that, Osiris had handed her a message. One he couldn't bear to read, which was just as well because it contained, amongst other things, an all-caps indictment:

HE IS NOT AS STRONG AS HE THINKS.

Ikora had smiled upon reading that. Even in death, Sagira couldn't resist taking her Guardian down a peg or two. The rest of the message was not as amusing.

I know you know that, Ikora. But I'm telling you here because he will try to strong-arm you and everyone else into leaving him alone. Please don't let him. Without me there to harass him into asking for help, I don't know what he will do. Something self-destructive is my guess.

You're the same that way: you've got hungry minds. Needing constant challenges to occupy you. My death is one of those puzzles that cannot be solved. He'll try though. He'll try until he burns out completely… only this time, I won't be there to sweep up the ashes.

We don't have evidence either way, but Sagira definitely was able to write this before dying, that much is certainly established. Now, is this the writing of Sagira or a fake written by Savathun?

I believe that, from what we've seen so far, Savathun has not really been very good at properly impersonating Osiris. I don't think she would be able to properly impersonate Sagira either and this message does not read to me as Savathun's writing. It has all the hallmarks of Sagira's way of treating Osiris: she cares about him a lot, but she is honest about his self-destructive and obsessive tendencies. Ikora even makes a remark about it.

Now, is it possible that Savathun has read the message and maybe even tampered with it? It certainly is. I can't fully prove that this message is legitimate and that Savathun wasn't involved. I also believe that doesn't mean it directly proves the opposite.

I definitely believe that Sagira's death was fully planned and counted on by Savathun (perhaps even with Xivu's involvement; after all, Xivu owes Savathun for being given Torobatl). Her death set everything in motion and made the whole scheme of swapping real Osiris out possible. It also allowed Savathun to be as out of character as possible because, hey. The man is in grief. He may not be fully himself. And it worked. People were reluctant to question "Osiris" and confront him due to this, which allowed Savathun to last as long as she did.

Personally, I believe that Sagira's final message is legitimate and that it was simply co-opted by Savathun who found it to be very convenient for her plans. Kind of an unfortunate sequence of events, but also in a way, perfectly planned. Savathun may have counted on Sagira writing a message that would prompt Osiris' loved ones to do exactly what they did.

Other than that, Myelin's video is pretty good for a 20 minute breakdown of the theory. I'd go way more in-depth about certain other points instead of focusing on Sagira's letter tho. I'm also quite agitated that, while he did mention the Boots of the Assembler lore, he did not mention anything about Osiris' and Saint's relationship. He only remarked that Osiris "acts cold" to Saint. We also still have no proper analysis of Immolant. Lore youtubers stop ignoring Osiris' and Saint's relationship challenge.

But you know what they say: if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

[bisluthq]

How did you figure out that you needed real help? I've never had an official diagnosis, but lately I've been feeling like this might not be normal sadness/bad moods. There doesn't seem to be much relief from it, and I'm so tired.

TWs obviously.

So I have had mental health issues since I was a teenager in terms of compulsive behaviors and an ED and like what at that point was an affirmation complex. I also experienced my first major depressive episode the summer after my first year of uni. I also had had my first very lowkey suicide attempt - finished a pack of painkillers - when I was fifteen/sixteen.

With the MDD episode I knew it wasn’t normal because I couldn’t get out of bed. When I did I yelled at friends and my family and my boyfriend and then I’d feel bad (only for the latter tbh) and so send him nudes to “make up” for being a bitch and that was also the summer I cheated on him (we were apart, I went out out, I was very sad, etc).

I went on an antidepressant, went back to to uni, got my first hormonal diagnosis, some more meds, and felt better and forgot about it. (My eating became disordered again that year when the boyfriend and I broke up).

This time it took me longer to get “proper” help because I expected the original cure - antidepressants and a bit of therapy - to work. But I’m also older and more fucked up now so it didn’t really help that much but I was very much gunning that it would help and I was telling myself I’m functional.

Then because I was struggling to work, I went into clinic for one night and one day and I was like “okay the good stuff I’m fine now” but that obviously put my family on alert. I was better at masking it this time tho, so in my mind I’d been in touch with family and friends and colleagues consistently and so was “fine” and doing well.

Then I - accidentally tbh - took too many antidepressants and my parents freaked out and said I needed to take the advice I was getting and check myself in properly, so I did, in part because I wasn’t functional and hadn’t written in a while and I wasn’t responding to emails and like an editor who has worked with me since late 2016 reached out to my parents via Facebook to be like “is she ok??”

So like I did a stock take of it all and realized 1) I was not functional 2) my relationships - with family, friends and colleagues - were suffering from the dysfunction 3) I actually could remember not being that useless. I also spoke to my very best friend as well and he was like “no dude you’re not okay lately” and so yeah I went and checked myself in.

I would say in your case ask your GP and maybe get a therapist - they can recommend one - as well. Beyond that, assess functionality - in a real way with yourself not what you think people want to hear - and also ask yourself what you were like before and what you want to be like.

Issues™️ don’t always involve a “diagnosis” like bipolar, or ASD, or ADHD, or a personality disorder. Sometimes you just manifest particular dysfunctions and have particular issues.

It’s never nice to admit to yourself “wow I’m fucked up” but the point is if you’re not comfortable with how you feel and want to feel better rather go now than when you’re like “this is normal lol this is how I am” because your brain tricks you into forgetting. This is where friends and family and colleagues are also v helpful.

Admitting you have problems isn’t an indictment of you as an individual. If you had a physical ailment you’d need treatment - even if it was a relatively small thing that required symptomatic treatment - and you’d go get it. Mental health is the same.

Talk to your doctor, ask for a therapist, and go from there.

And it’s okay to be scared and to not want to, but the thing is you DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and the people in your life deserve a happy you and not a dysfunctional asshole they worry about.

Hope this helped a bit.

[ronsenburg]

Since you mentioned you were looking for drabble requests, if you haven't moved on from AA already, could I request something where Apollo or Klavier is struggling against pride/feeling that his problem isn't a big deal/some kind of internal roadblock to seek comfort from the other? Maybe they lost a case they don't think they should have lost, or it's the anniversary of something sad, or they just feel crappy physically or emotionally. Any reason is fine. Thanks for considering my request ^^

vorher:

It’s nearly six pm by the time Franziska finds him, tucked into a chair in the corner of some pretentious and probably ephemeral bar downtown.

It isn’t one of his usual haunts, but the staff seem to know who he is well enough, anyway. Though he is just barely twenty-three and his tab has been approaching the four figure mark for the past hour and a half, no one has bothered to card him or attempt cutting him off yet. Of course, that may have had more to do with the sizable tips slid to whatever staff member is closest in proximity rather than his rather notorious celebrity status, but Klavier’s ego has been rapidly ceasing to care about such things in recent months. What matters to him at this very moment is less the thrill of universal adoration and more the ability to nurse his wounded pride in pseudo-solitude with a vastly overpriced drink.

That solitude is shattered, however, by the arrival of Prosecutor Franziska Von Karma. The sound of her heels clicking firmly against the highly lacquered floors crescendos over whatever smooth jazz cover they’re piping through the hidden speakers as she makes her way directly over to him.

“Are you finished with your tantrum yet?” she asks, removing her dark sunglasses and placing them onto the surface of the bar beside him without any sort of invitation.

It takes a moment for the words to process; Klavier has spent so long playing the role of the ostentatious expat that his alcohol muddled brain can barely grasp the crisp and nearly foreign sounding syllables of her German.

By then, she has already removed her long leather gloves and cape, handing them off to an employee that floats near her elbow like a well trained dog on a leash. When she slides into the chair beside him and signals for the bartender, the scotch she orders for herself is nearly as expensive as Klavier’s own. If he weren’t so chagrined by her sudden interruption, he would likely be impressed.

“Since when is enjoying a drink after work considered a tantrum?” Klavier returns, finally, and also in German. He attempts to fire off one of his charming smiles as he speaks, but the words feel so clumsy and out of practice on his lips that the gesture falls short and sounds far more like the kind of sulk that directly proves the point she has made.

Franziska raises a perfectly arched eyebrow in reaction, though whether it is a response meant specifically for his faltering pronunciations or juvenile tone, Klavier can’t be at all sure. “Since someone recently made a complete fool of himself in a court of law.”

The words strike out like the lash of a whip; Klavier winces despite himself. Franziska is only two years older than him, but when she glances away with an air of disinterested disdain to take a sip from the tumbler placed in front of her, the gap seems far wider.

“You heard?”

“I saw,” she replies, glancing over to him again just long enough to offer a small, disparaging smirk. “It was quite the performance. Do people actually pay you money to see such foolishness on stage?”

The shame he’d been attempting to shove away for the past five hours flares up just below the surface of his thoughts then, hot and bright enough that he suddenly feels sick to his stomach.

“You are just as charming as they say, Fraulein,” Klavier smiles; the sarcasm tastes false and bitter on his tongue.

In truth, he had made a fool of himself.

Klavier has always prided himself on being meticulous in his pursuit of the truth, in perfectly balancing the demands of both his prosecutorial career and his life as a musician. And, most of the time, he’d succeeded so brilliantly that it had blinded him to the subtly advancing and yet still discreet signs that he might have been slipping.

There had been issues with the band’s latest album.

With the ink long since dried on the studio’s contract and their chosen title already heavily marketed, the pressure to produce something of value had been mounting. Every song he’d written since then had seemed increasingly vapid, words that fit a theme but lacked any sort of meaning, chords that sounded deliberately catchy but were devoid of anything new and surprising. They were going through the motions, but those motions were long since stale. There was nothing of the artistic fire that had skyrocketed them to success in their early years and that alone drained any last bit of excitement he might have derived from the process.

It was driving a neat wedge through the center of the band; Daryan called him a diva, so used to having things his own way that he fell to pieces at the idea of ever being told what to do. Take the money, release an album that was shallow but on brand. They could always switch it up next time when time was on their side. You’re the lawyer, he'd mocked, you should know exactly how much of our asses are on the line here.

Their arguments on the subject had become more and more frequent as the days passed, spilling from band practice to crime scenes and, finally, to the kitchen of Klavier’s apartment. This time, it was Daryan who had packed what few belongings he’d scattered throughout Klavier’s various shelves and drawers into an old duffle bag and left, slamming the door shut behind him with finality as he’d gone.

As Klavier’s luck would dictate, Daryan had been the lead detective on this last case. While they were both professional enough not to ignore each other completely during the proceedings, the type of communication necessary for a successful indictment had been… difficult, to say the least.

And so he’d been distracted in his investigation, enough that he’d overlooked a piece of evidence so decisive in the opposition’s favor that when it had been presented, he’d been left gaping in uncharacteristic surprise from his place at the bench.

Yes, he’d been slipping, unable to see the progression of his descent until he had been standing firmly at the bottom of a tall slope.

He was only lucky, he supposed, that this was not a murder trial.

Back at the bar, Klavier rolls his eyes softly, more an aversion of his gaze than a gesture for dramatic display. Franziska doesn’t seem to be paying him enough attention to notice such things, anyway.

“Well, you can consider me scolded. Your work is done.”

“And yet, that’s not why I’m here,” Franziska returns. Ignoring the eyebrow he raises toward her in obvious question, she instead tilts the tumbler back, swallowing the last centimeter of the amber drink. “I would not waste my time and energy searching the city to scold a fool who seems to be doing an admirable job of berating himself. No, despite your recent failures, there are people in this city who seem to care about your well being. It would be a shame if you were to drown in a pool of your own vomit.”

He cannot help his rather obvious flinch at her words, no matter how quickly he endeavors to mask it. “How very touching, ja? I was expecting more anger.”

Franziska pauses in the midst of extracting a matte black card from the small handbag she carries. When her steel grey eyes meet his, Klavier suddenly understands the fear the von Karma name had once inspired in courtrooms across the world.

“Oh, I am angry,” she smiles, wagging her finger in such a way that it is clear she is mocking him. “You allowed a criminal to walk free today. But he is guilty, I am certain of that. And now he will be cocky.”

Klavier is so stunned by her words that he barely registers that she has slid her card across the surface of the wooden bar, let alone has the presence of mind to argue.

“There will be more evidence to find and new charges to file,” she continues, unperturbed by his gaping. “I will assume that next time you will have your priorities in the correct order.”

With that, she stands and turns to the attendant who is still waiting nearby, ready to help her back into the dark, cashmere folds of her cloak. When the complex ritual of donning her long gloves and sunglasses is complete, she turns once again to face him.

“I will be driving you home. You may choose, now, whether you would like to accompany me willingly or if you will require Detective Gumshoe’s escort. You have until I reach the door to decide.”

It feels as though a whirlwind has swept through the room, appearing out of nowhere to disrupt his wallowing completely before disappearing as suddenly as she had come. Klavier is not stupid enough to doubt Franziska’s words, despite the fact that he is twenty-three and more than a bit inebriated. He wavers only slightly as he finds his own feet and follows her out onto the sun soaked sidewalk beyond the bar.

If she is smiling when she looks back towards him, it is the small, private smirk of victory. Klavier finds that he is too preoccupied with the act of placing one foot in front of the other along the uneven slabs of concrete to care. He stumbles gracelessly into the backseat of the car Franziska indicates, through a door held open by a man that Klavier can only assume is the Detective she had mentioned inside.

“Huh,” he comments before closing the door. “Somehow I thought you’d be taller, pal.”

A sharp stab of pain somewhere behind his left temple resonates brightly in response.

This is something he will certainly regret tomorrow.

nachher:

“Okay, spill,” Apollo demands, crossing his arms in a visible display of stubborn obstination that, at any other time, Klavier might find endlessly adorable.

Tonight, however, he has reached a new level of exhaustion, one that leaves him blinking back at Apollo in baffled surprise as he attempts to pivot his thoughts from their previous trajectory in order to make sense of the other’s sudden words. “Spill was?”

As his words indicate, the intended course adjustment doesn’t go very well at all.

“Whatever’s going on with you,” Apollo replies, huffing out a sigh of what sounds nearly like frustration. “You’ve been working late, you don’t eat, you haven’t been sleeping. Something’s up; I think you should tell me what it is.”

Though Apollo’s words and posture are combative, it is all for show. There is an uncertainty in his eyes and concern exposed in the way he bites at the inside of his lip in silence, waiting for Klavier to speak. The fact that Klavier has learned to recognize this expression through repeatedly causing it is a painful enough thing to shoulder; to admit to the reason behind his behavior when it will only bring them both all the more strife, however, would be far worse. Not because he doubts the limits of Apollo’s strength; it is his own resilience that is threatened by the thought of divulging the extent of his insecurities.

Klavier runs a hand through the strands of hair that have escaped the hasty braid he had tied earlier that evening and attempts an apologetic smile. “Ach, Liebling, there is nothing to tell. It is just work.”

“You’re lying.”

It is stated as a fact, nothing more. But while there is nothing accusatory in Apollo’s tone and his face is perfectly even as he says it, Klavier still feels the words as though they are the sting of an attack.

“Ja?” he responds. “And you promised there would be no bracelet inside the house, did you not?”

What he intends is for the words to sound facetious, a nod to the same kind of fond banter they had indulged in long before the intimacy of a romantic relationship. But Klavier is lying; it is not an offense often committed between them and certainly not one he has reveled in or perpetuated out of malice, now. Still, to be seen through so shifted his smile without meaning to. Klavier can feel it teetering on the edge of a sneer that feels both unfamiliar and familiar all at once.

What follows, then, is a long pause.

A lifted arm, a proffered bare wrist, is Apollo’s only response.

That gesture feels more devastating than the aftermath of an actual, physical fight. Klavier can feel the air exit his lungs in a sharp hiss of remorse, his posture on the plush sofa of their study crumbling as he leans forward to place his head into his waiting hands.

“That was uncalled for,” Klavier begins, though his voice is muffled by the skin of his palms pressed firmly against his speaking mouth. “I am sorry, Schatz, I—“

But his words are interrupted by the sudden creak of sofa springs, the cushions on either side of Klavier dipping under the newly applied weight of Apollo’s knees. There is the feeling of Apollo’s warm fingers wrapping around the skin of his wrists, gently pulling his hands away from his face.

“I know you, Klavier,” Apollo says softly; his voice is so uncharacteristically gentle that the words sound less like a statement and more the sweetest declaration of love. Maybe they are. After all, Klavier has been loved before. But being actually, truly known? He glances up into Apollo’s brown eyes, warm with determination and affection. “I don’t need the bracelet to see when you’re upset. If you don’t want to talk about it right now, I understand, but you don’t have to go around pretending everything is okay when it isn’t.”

“Bold words for someone who insists upon always being fine, ja?” Klavier murmurs, another half hearted attempt at humor that falls flat in what little space exists between them. 

Apollo still lifts the edge of his lips in a small, humored smile of concession. “In court, maybe. But not with you. We all need to be vulnerable, sometimes.”

The breath that Klavier exhales wavers under the strain of unspoken emotions, his eyes fluttering closed just as Apollo leans forward to place a featherlight kiss against the center of his forehead, against his cheekbone, against the corner of his downturned mouth. 

“You can trust me, Klavier,” he concludes. “I’ll always be here, whenever you’re ready, okay?” 

Klavier finds he does not have the words to respond, then, even as the sound of fabric rustling against fabric fills the air and the hands holding Klavier’s wrists retreat. Their absence is felt immediately in the lack of warmth as Apollo slides back off the couch and onto his feet. 

“Apollo?”

Apollo’s footsteps stall halfway through the door.

Klavier still finds he needs to clear his throat before he can continue to speak, swallowing back the sentiments that have collected there that he is otherwise unable to express. “Could you stay? Bitte. Just for a moment.”

This is a weakness Klavier should not afford himself. It is selfish to ask Apollo to comfort him when Klavier cannot even bring himself to explain precisely why he requires it. But Apollo’s eyes are soft when they find Klavier’s gaze once again, inexplicably fully of acceptance and, beyond that, what Klavier knows is love.

“Yeah,” he nods, “of course.”

Apollo stays far longer than a moment, his fingers combing through the strands of Klavier’s loose hair under the fading light that filters in though the slightly open window. They don’t speak, but the steady rhythm of Apollo’s breath in the otherwise silent room, the gentle pressure of his fingers, is enough to distract him from the tumultuous cascade of his own thoughts.