#this is my go to way of saying im on my cycle
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true love
#I NEED THE HAPPILY EVER AFTERRRRR I NEEED ITTTT RRAAAGGAHHH!!!!! TRUE LOVE TRUE LOVE TRUE LOVE!!!!!!!#to all my real ones that know me. true love. im so wrecked. this was the way it was always meant to be. destiny#silver breaking the cycle in an act of pure love understanding malleus in a situation nobody else will oh im ill#lay down his sword and open his heart. the most caring boy in the whole fucking game. do anything for him no matter what. LOVE!!!!#ik everyone and their mother talks abt the silver sebek mirrors and parallels etc etc but ive always found malleus and silver the peak#ill bet youd never Ever guess that given my fucking catalogue of art. this was always how it was meant to end. build it up to throw it away#build him up as an enemy on a scale never seen. to make the pressure to take him down all-encompassing. the pressure to save the world#and silver instead making the right choice to ignore the world. make amends for history past. and show him love instead#weeps#twstファンアート#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#malleus draconia#suntails#no more drawing till the plot updates#also i hafta go to bed in 10 mins for my job. sighs. i had an hour and a dream and i shat out more art. what can i say im a giver
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i fucking hate winter i want to [remembers threatening suicide just harms my loved ones] take down a deer with my bare hands and rip its throat out with my teeth
#when the cycle goes angry-depressed-angry-depressed and theyre two sides of the same coin#the deer is me and i would cry over its dead body the second the anger left me#i wanted to go to bed EARLY tonight#god it's so fucking over#i wish there was therapy where you could say you wanted to kill yourself without being admitted/prevented from going to study abroad#im just so ANGRY for no reason and then im so fucking sad.#and i cant actually talk to friends about it because idk i just cant#boohoo it;s cold out so now im considering killing myself after we graduate but i realize i could never do that to my family#so now im just kinda sitting here miserable with no way out
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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!



((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))

but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS





(and, well. whatever this classifies as)

#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
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actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)
#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it#this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself#and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure''#but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given#which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin#it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo#like he's been through enough!#because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying#by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them#when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person#yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon#but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi#get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma#especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are#like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow#i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice#or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it#i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops#wtnv#wtnv spoilers#joyousposting
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i like garthful it reminds me of sans undertale aus
#im still a 9 year old with an AU phase mentally#except this is worse because im almost 17 now and i desesperately need seretonin in some Way to not go depressive#they dont lie when they say your interests as a kid will go back to haunt you#the cycle repeats and i cannot help but give into consumption... or else iwill once again try to Uhm Erm Um Uh#my lisaslop
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^ face of someone (me) who just finished the arcane finale
#GOODNIGHT I NEED TO PROCESS#im STRUCK#there r tears rolling down my cheeks fuck this damn show😭😭 (affectionate. this is the peak of all media ever)#okay yall arcane spoilers#arcane#arcane s2#that ending was honestly SO well done#the WHOLE finale#and all the rest lmao#but fucking GOD#the cycle....and the way each character was considered within..just- SO GOOD#and ekko......#and JAYCE oml yall better take back all the shit tbh he's genuinely become such an intriguing character throughout s2#and going to admit. i did Not care abt him in s1 sry😞#but the s2 arc has been captivating from the start and jayce is NO exception#also viktor's eyes im so glad we got to see them again. ohhh the irony of grief and relief mean SO much to me#his eyes. mean sm to Me. doomed scientist yaoi i lov e u#and mel.....omg not much to say regarding initial thoughts. im afraid haha. buuut i wanted to learn more about her link to the black rose#LOVED ambessa. her characterisation was so brilliantly captivating that i dont think i ever rlly hated her lmao#and jinxx omfg im sick. i love her so much. oh fucking hell ep7 killed me actually. im dead.#the sisters r so close all throughout the show and i loved the little direct confirmation of this like i actually started crying then#and VI oh my goddddd vi. could write a thesis on her. the visual rep of the lessening of her guilt after jinx. with singing. with acceptanc#oh fml im going a little insane i love this show so much#and VANDERRR and the beast and FUCK how even at the end he covered jinx.#i love how the show covered her end. it feels like a sigh of relief. the final breath. u end up hoping the best for her.#OH MAN THE MUSIC STARTED AND I STARTED CRYING SO HARD.#this is s1 ep3 all over again#oh and HOLY SHIT we got lesbian sex im ECSTATIC. thannk u fortiche for the whole show but yeah. especially. uhm. this.#okay im loggin off now i need to clock out and sleep. process my thoughts and then word vomit tmr.#nyx talks shit
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Should've realized something was up when my favorite character was albedo frkm genshin impact
#scaramouche too but albedo specifically goddd i went INSANE over that man. im stillwinsane he makes me go crazy#iknow his model is ugly af but his desiign FUCKSSS god the black and white??? delicious. dark blue? small yellow decorations? the red??? th#fuckijng red. fucking red only on his hands. only on his hands!!!!! his palms!!!! the only red of his palette in his palms!! im gonnathrowu#anyways shouldve realized something was up cuz i only liked yhem because they were artificial they scratched a veryyyy specific itch in my#brain#i think albedo#this specific line from the raven cycle#“burdened by being born not made” or something#and ibbbbb ib fabricated world....#theyre like the plasterhounds holy trinity#like those 3 shit did something to me. i never recovered. fucked me up#man i didnt even realizee and all my main ocs (sol galatea replikas) are all made/artificial in some way#ohhhhh yo be made. not born. not even made of metal could be flesh too#ohhhh going insane#talk tag#this doesnt make sense but i dont careeee!!!#omfg i forgot to say this but albedos colors are all primary colorsss hes an artist....#babygirl nobody gets you like i do nobody gets YOUR MOM like i do specially her please rhinedottir why are u in gendhinnnnn no one gets her#like i do#i made a fandesign for durin btw if u wanna see him. unfortunately the genshin fans dont care that much about the creatures im afraid
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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my best friend just told me she's gonna show me her regular ass grocery order when she gets home and i seriously cheered as if she said she was coming over Right Now
#admittedly... i have such low social energy just ebing shown routine/boring things from ppls day to days makes me really happy#cause like!! i know random silly things!! and i can learn so much from that!! like food preferences or even shampoo smells yk???#like augh mundane things < 33333333#(also yes if u want to be my friend its definitely easier if u just take a show and tell approach. like kindergarten show & tell style wehr#u go “HERE'S MY THINGS” nd everyone claps and cheers then it just keeps cycling. i love show and tell. its my favorite way to make friends)#its funny - i literally ramble so much in the tags someone could probably search them and figure out Exactly how to love me w/o me having t#say much to them (Cause i am such an oversharer in tags + ik myself v well) b/c im frequently giving stupid little “cheats”#(ik its not cheats im just being silly with that wording)#i once had a exfriend send me a picture of her reciepts from being out for the day with others (and none of the things she had gotten atp)#and we arent even friends anymore and i STILL think very fondly about that conversation bc ahhhhh <3 i just like knowing random silly thing#im such a friendship bitch
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#coworkers decided to do an impromptu happy hour today and must have made this decision while i was away from my desk at lunch.#bc i got back and they were just. all gone. and i only found out bc our boss swung by my desk before he left and told me.#and i know it wasnt intentional (at least i don't think it was) but idk man! just feels kinda shitty! yall could've left a note or something#but anyways. boss was like you should come! but i. did not go. partially bc im kind of a little sore about that actually?#but also they went to a beer place and i. dont drink beer. and like yeah yeah go for the people not the place but also. idk just.#it's cold and rainy and today has kind of sucked too so like. im not really in the mood#(which HONESTLY was probably the point of going out bc NO ONE is in the mood)#but. ugh.#now im going to spend the whole weekend trying to think of what im going to say when someone inevitably asks me why i wasn't there#and they all probably think im antisocial or whatever#esp bc like. im pretty quiet at work too. like. i feel awkward just jumping into conversations sometimes bc like.#im still the newbie on the team. like i just got moved to this one at the end of august#but these people have been working together for like years now.#so like they all know each other!!! theyre all super comfortable with each other!!!!#but im still new im still getting to know them all!!! and like idk. just feels awkward to insert myself into those conversations#even if im probably allowed to. so i just. dont.#and ugh. its a vicious cycle i know. 😔#but anyways.#wow that was so much oversharing how embarrassing#whatever. what is the internet for if not embarrassing amounts of oversharing 🤷♀️#N E WAYS.
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My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point
#ocd and autism put together? must tap on things. must tap in specific rythm. or die. my whole life#adhd and autism? oh i cant focus but when i do that's all ill focus on for months or years#i can't pay attention but i have a photographic memory! so that didn't affect me much in school#also w the ocd and autism i constantly have to be picking at my skin in some way#whether it be dandruff my lips scabs or just chewing on the inside of my cheeks#like i can never stop no matter what#oh and another great thing about ocd and autism put together is that you get Echolalia²#this thing is going to repeat in the background of your head for months#and also you must sometimes say/sing it out loud randomly or you will explode#i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and BPD also#manic and depressive episodes? turned out that was literally just dependent on my pain med prescription#rapid cycling emotions can come from all of those#i also have psychosis episodes and delusions! and hallucinations! wee!#oh and let's put a littlr sprinkle of C-PTSD on top of everything. just for fun#''anxiety disorder'' that was me freaking out about masking and how everyone would judge me#major depressive disorder? yeahhhh there's always that base level of despair#like I'm pretty sure the ocd adhd and autism are like one Whole Thing together#i hear the symptoms of all of those and im like yeah that's me! that's also me! shit! that's also me!#WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WRONGGGG#.bdo
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i lied actually i cant sleep. even though i have been awake for like almost 20 hours. cool
#i might be too anxious ii keep being so annoyiing all the time but i cant stop. and i want to but its always a cycle#i keep getting scared and feeling like i gotta be mean to myself but then im too mean to myself#and when i realize that ii just get really anxious that i was being annoying and everyone just hates me for that now instead#but i cant ever get past the fear ii feel that compels me to self deprecate all the time#if i say something that i think was stupid its all i can think about and i cant get out of my head about it#and my brain just keeps convincing me of different ways people could hate me for it until i cave and say mean shit before someone else can#but nobody was actually going to say any of that and im just making another annoying fucking depressing post again#i really want to stop. theres only so much longer i can keep doing this before everyone gets tired of responding with nice things#i keep trying to stop before i make everyone sick of me but its not working and i dont know why#i feel like the clock is ticking but im just standing here and suffocating myself. and its not doing anything. but i cant make myself stop#awoo
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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I can't promise I won't buy ramen tomorrow...
#im going to work on art before i get sucked back into neopets hell#but i havr appointmence before that#maybe ill get boba again too ..#i need to finish my commissions i have had them on standby for wuite a while#which is a nice way of saying ive been avoiding them due to perfectionist tendencies.. ):#and the guilt cycles and such..#i have to decenter gaming as my priority like if i dont then i wont make a lot of progress in anything
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