#this is my go to way of saying im on my cycle
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i fucking hate winter i want to [remembers threatening suicide just harms my loved ones] take down a deer with my bare hands and rip its throat out with my teeth
#when the cycle goes angry-depressed-angry-depressed and theyre two sides of the same coin#the deer is me and i would cry over its dead body the second the anger left me#i wanted to go to bed EARLY tonight#god it's so fucking over#i wish there was therapy where you could say you wanted to kill yourself without being admitted/prevented from going to study abroad#im just so ANGRY for no reason and then im so fucking sad.#and i cant actually talk to friends about it because idk i just cant#boohoo it;s cold out so now im considering killing myself after we graduate but i realize i could never do that to my family#so now im just kinda sitting here miserable with no way out
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as i am currently on that transmasc bloodcycle bullshit, it occurs to me i have a trans blorbo i can in fact make suffer with me
and while im projecting, why not give leo my habit of announcing his predicament in the funniest way possible
#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rise leo#rise donnie#my art#this is my go to way of saying im on my cycle#my siblings are entirely unimpressed and used to it#leos family is too#but between the immense injuries he got during the invasion and everyone being kinda emotionally fragile for a bit#i think he probably skipped a couple months and wasnt in the mood to play into his usual antics when it did return#but this is long enough after it all that everyones mostly healed up#and emotionally starting to recover#and leos the sort of bitch that the louder he is the less serious the drama is#(affectionate)#so if he walks in a room and shouts that hes bleeding#its more likely hes got a papercut than any actual injury#don knows this#hense why he catches on so quick#and seeks vengance for the half-a-second of genuine concern#(tbh hes probably internally relieved to hear leo make any type of joke or dramatics again at all)#also#i dont have any personal interest in diving in depth to what a mutant turtle teenagers period looks like or involves#my boy bleeds and is uncomfy cos i am bleeding and uncomfy#(tbh in all likelihood hed not have to deal w this at all cos splints and donnie would have long since found a way to get T & other meds)#edit: moved the trans flag down a couple panels to help the pacing of the joke
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one of the things that fascinate me about thawne: yes, he CAN be normal with kids! surprisingly normal!
((not at all times, though. his mental illness still spills through and as usual he, in trying to manipulate or hurt others, spits out at them the exact stuff that would hurt him (or have in his childhood/barry's rejection interpretation) the most in the first place lmao))
but at the same time. his like second instinct when doing his bullshit is FUCK THEM (as) KIDS
(and, well. whatever this classifies as)
#whats wrong with him. seriously. he loves picking fights with literal children So Much#AND NONE OF THEM WITH WALLY ON THE MATTER OF BEING THE BIGGEST FLASH FAN. HOW DID THAT NEVER HAPPEN#about the middle page. honestly i DIDNT remember he is a Jerk in that way too until i checked his interactions with bart for this post#this man officially should not be allowed near children as a mentor.#just straight up drops ALL his insecurities on a poor kid in trying to make him feel ashamed. NO breaking the abuse cycle for this bad boy#the only thing he doesnt say is the direct 'you are a disappointment' altho the message is still the same 💀💀💀💀💀💀#AND I BET HES HELLA PROUD OF THAT. I MEAN CONSIDERING THIS FACT IG HE DOES TRY TO BE BETTER THAN HIS PARENTS. SOMEWHAT.#and omg he formulates his point like in problem based learning (leading the child to making the correct conclusion themselves)#im dying. professor to the fucking core.#and the way he feels the need to bring up flash facts in his appeal?? EO YOURE SO HOPELESS. THIS IS 100% HOW BART SAW HIM THROUGH#and god knows what he told thad promising to get him out of the speed force if he fought barry there and whether he was going to fulfill it#and do you even IMAGINE how FUCKED barry's mental condition would be growing up if thawne fulfilled his button threat#and i really REALLY wonder about the tornado twins and their relationship with 'uncle eobard' but that will be a separate post#he doesnt know any other way tho. and he might be actually mad at bart for not supporting his every action as The Flash#like. he tries to play family but the second they question he just goes WHATEVER. I DONT NEED IT. FLASH OF MY VISION RUNS ALONE#his problem is that he just wants attention. he doesnt see family/heroing for what 'its really about' or downsides that may come with them#everything is so idealized in his head. and the moment he faces reality with its complications the concept immediately gets antagonized.#and then he reconsiders and changes the conditions but fails each time never realizing the problem is his mindset and not everything else#black white at its finest yall#and man. RELATABLE.#also WHY is he standing LIKE A STATUE when appearing in front of bart????😭😭😭😭#poor museum rat has no idea what heroes in real life stand like#eobard thawne#professor zoom#reverse flash#the reverse flash#bart allen#the flash#dc
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#embarrassment#not gonna comment further because i cba#usually i wait for someone else to post this stuff so i can just rb#but im impatient and wanna go to bed and not forget lmao#i wanna say im surprised by all the random celebs coming out the woodwork with this kind of shit but i really am not#elon musk#nick jonas#receipts#nah im actually just soooooo#like i dont actually care pr like nick jonas is the thing#i should not be talking about this in these tags but oh well#anyways point is i could say a lot but im gonna keep it simple#basically i dont care. and i hate being on twitter because it literally is just brain rotting material on their#like my own personal rage bait. but i also have this incessant need to know about this shit#so i am in a never ending toxic cycle lmao#like id rather know that not and i definitely dont Live on there like i do tumblr#and it does have its plus sides too#but oh my goooodddddd#idk what im saying its 2am pls forgive me i just wanted to post this then sleep and here i fucking am#on the longest rant to ever rant#n e ways#me: im not gonna comment further#me 2 seconds later: comments further#lmaoooo
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actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)
#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it#this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself#and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure''#but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given#which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin#it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo#like he's been through enough!#because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying#by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them#when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person#yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon#but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi#get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma#especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are#like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow#i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice#or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it#i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops#wtnv#wtnv spoilers#joyousposting
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i like garthful it reminds me of sans undertale aus
#im still a 9 year old with an AU phase mentally#except this is worse because im almost 17 now and i desesperately need seretonin in some Way to not go depressive#they dont lie when they say your interests as a kid will go back to haunt you#the cycle repeats and i cannot help but give into consumption... or else iwill once again try to Uhm Erm Um Uh#my lisaslop
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^ face of someone (me) who just finished the arcane finale
#GOODNIGHT I NEED TO PROCESS#im STRUCK#there r tears rolling down my cheeks fuck this damn show😭😭 (affectionate. this is the peak of all media ever)#okay yall arcane spoilers#arcane#arcane s2#that ending was honestly SO well done#the WHOLE finale#and all the rest lmao#but fucking GOD#the cycle....and the way each character was considered within..just- SO GOOD#and ekko......#and JAYCE oml yall better take back all the shit tbh he's genuinely become such an intriguing character throughout s2#and going to admit. i did Not care abt him in s1 sry😞#but the s2 arc has been captivating from the start and jayce is NO exception#also viktor's eyes im so glad we got to see them again. ohhh the irony of grief and relief mean SO much to me#his eyes. mean sm to Me. doomed scientist yaoi i lov e u#and mel.....omg not much to say regarding initial thoughts. im afraid haha. buuut i wanted to learn more about her link to the black rose#LOVED ambessa. her characterisation was so brilliantly captivating that i dont think i ever rlly hated her lmao#and jinxx omfg im sick. i love her so much. oh fucking hell ep7 killed me actually. im dead.#the sisters r so close all throughout the show and i loved the little direct confirmation of this like i actually started crying then#and VI oh my goddddd vi. could write a thesis on her. the visual rep of the lessening of her guilt after jinx. with singing. with acceptanc#oh fml im going a little insane i love this show so much#and VANDERRR and the beast and FUCK how even at the end he covered jinx.#i love how the show covered her end. it feels like a sigh of relief. the final breath. u end up hoping the best for her.#OH MAN THE MUSIC STARTED AND I STARTED CRYING SO HARD.#this is s1 ep3 all over again#oh and HOLY SHIT we got lesbian sex im ECSTATIC. thannk u fortiche for the whole show but yeah. especially. uhm. this.#okay im loggin off now i need to clock out and sleep. process my thoughts and then word vomit tmr.#nyx talks shit
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Should've realized something was up when my favorite character was albedo frkm genshin impact
#scaramouche too but albedo specifically goddd i went INSANE over that man. im stillwinsane he makes me go crazy#iknow his model is ugly af but his desiign FUCKSSS god the black and white??? delicious. dark blue? small yellow decorations? the red??? th#fuckijng red. fucking red only on his hands. only on his hands!!!!! his palms!!!! the only red of his palette in his palms!! im gonnathrowu#anyways shouldve realized something was up cuz i only liked yhem because they were artificial they scratched a veryyyy specific itch in my#brain#i think albedo#this specific line from the raven cycle#“burdened by being born not made” or something#and ibbbbb ib fabricated world....#theyre like the plasterhounds holy trinity#like those 3 shit did something to me. i never recovered. fucked me up#man i didnt even realizee and all my main ocs (sol galatea replikas) are all made/artificial in some way#ohhhhh yo be made. not born. not even made of metal could be flesh too#ohhhh going insane#talk tag#this doesnt make sense but i dont careeee!!!#omfg i forgot to say this but albedos colors are all primary colorsss hes an artist....#babygirl nobody gets you like i do nobody gets YOUR MOM like i do specially her please rhinedottir why are u in gendhinnnnn no one gets her#like i do#i made a fandesign for durin btw if u wanna see him. unfortunately the genshin fans dont care that much about the creatures im afraid
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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my best friend just told me she's gonna show me her regular ass grocery order when she gets home and i seriously cheered as if she said she was coming over Right Now
#admittedly... i have such low social energy just ebing shown routine/boring things from ppls day to days makes me really happy#cause like!! i know random silly things!! and i can learn so much from that!! like food preferences or even shampoo smells yk???#like augh mundane things < 33333333#(also yes if u want to be my friend its definitely easier if u just take a show and tell approach. like kindergarten show & tell style wehr#u go “HERE'S MY THINGS” nd everyone claps and cheers then it just keeps cycling. i love show and tell. its my favorite way to make friends)#its funny - i literally ramble so much in the tags someone could probably search them and figure out Exactly how to love me w/o me having t#say much to them (Cause i am such an oversharer in tags + ik myself v well) b/c im frequently giving stupid little “cheats”#(ik its not cheats im just being silly with that wording)#i once had a exfriend send me a picture of her reciepts from being out for the day with others (and none of the things she had gotten atp)#and we arent even friends anymore and i STILL think very fondly about that conversation bc ahhhhh <3 i just like knowing random silly thing#im such a friendship bitch
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Ride 730: “Handicap”
Pag 1
1: I saw Imaizumi-san and Sugimoto-san, a third years pair!!
2: They're currently the fastest, now starting the 20th lap!!
3: Amazing!!
Woah
Already... 100km!?
Pag 2
1: A buddies battle, huh....
2: They thought about it too
Hahaha
Chasing them there's the pair of Onoda-san and Naruko-san!
3: They had an handicap for the first 40km but are gradually catching up
Amazing!
We're just watching them but it's so exciting!!
Oi, you two, don't take a rest and run too!!
Ye-yes, Gorizou-senpai!!
4: Last year, Teshima he broke up the “team of two” for himself
And he also separated Danchiku and Kaburagi, who were first years
5: He wanted to increase individual power
Pag 3
1: This year, on the comtrary, you paired them up and made them run together
2: Can't you raise your pace more, Nogaki!
I'm doing my best!
3: If we overdo it from the beginning, then we'll have nothing left
But if they open a gap then we won't be able to cover the distance
4: Two people having to run as a pair means that when there are different opinions the'll of course end up arguing
5: You won't know until they try finishing the whole 1000km, but-
Hahaha
Naruko, Onoda, Imaizumi.... this training camp is the answer that you learned through participating twice in the Inter High
That's right
6: You can overcome troubles and difficulties through cooperation and reach a successful conclusion....
Pag 4
1: The “buddies”
Pag 5
1: Are the smallest unit of “team Sohoku that supports each other”!!
Pag 7
1: We're goin ahead, Hotshot, kakaka
2: Ah... sorry I was late today, Imaizumi-kun
It's nothing, don't worry about it
3: There was a guy along the way.....
4: He brings it up every time he passes us, but- “a guy”, I couldn't hear, what guy
5: Those two have passed us many times since earlier...!!
There's a 40km margin, so of course they haven't closed it all
Pag 8
1: It's probably the time to start worrying about them!!
Imaizumi!!
2: From now on we need some kind of plan.... those two are fast!!
Will it be okay if we don't come up with a plan!?
3: Yeah, don't worry, we have a margin
They won't surpass us if we keep going at this pace
Ye... ah, you're so calm, as expected of you, Imaizumi
4: With those two, Onoda pulls them on the climbs, and Naruko pulls on the flats...
5: They're the most efficient pair!!
6: We entered the climb, so I'm going ahead, Naruko-kun!!
Yeah!!
Pag 9
1: Oruaaaagh!!
2: “Efficient”....?
3: That's how you see it? Sugimoto
5: You say they work well perfectly well together
7: Hahaha, more.... more, Onoda-kun!! Raise it...!! The climbing pace!!
Pag 10
1: If you think so, then your eyes are bad
3: Alright, let's raise the pace of another 10%!!
Oruaaaaagh
Waaaa, they're so fast!
Pag 11
1: It's the complete opposite of what you said
It's a shame
2: Onoda raises his paces on climbs, and Naruko manages to cling to him
Oruaaaagh
4: Then, it's the opposite on the flats
5: The climb is finally over, so I'm going ahead, Onoda-kun
6: Once, during training camp we were blocked with an “equipment handicap”
7: Now
8: They're carrying each other like that burden
Onoda on the flats.... and Naruko on the climbs!! Now....
Pag 12
1: It's a “human handicap”!!
Fly and follow me, Onoda-kun!!
O... okay!!
2: So fast... as expected, Naruko-kun is so fast!!
3: Come on, you're dropping your pace!!
5: Yeah
Pag 13
1: Let's keep going like this!!
Kakaka
2: So there's this kind of use too, in this buddies system!!
3: “Human handicap”....!!
5: To “become stronger”.....!!
Those two are still trying to become stronger
Before the training camp, I also tried to prepare in my own way, but
Pag 14
1: Maybe I've been too complacent.....!!
3: I- Imaizumi!!
Sorry, the things you're saying now, I'm only noticing them now, and now!!
4: What are you even doing Sugimoto Terufumi!! You know it, this training camp has been to get stronger since the beginning!!
5: My eyes really are bad!!
7: I'm not on you guys' level so there are many things I don't notice
I'm still not satisfied!!
Pag 15
1: Oh, he realized it
2: If it were the you from some time ago, you would have made up some excuses
I- I noticed, I'm an experienced cyclist, so of course I don't have bad eyes
3: So, please, tell me, Imaizumi!!
Everything about what I'm lacking, for the whole time!! For these whole four days!!
I think I've prepared enough for this training camp
4: I've already thrown away my pride a long time ago!!
Pag 16
1: That's why the “Sohoku jersey” that you gave me, I left it at home!!
3: The next time I'll put on that jersey it will be as a regular!! When I will become the sixth member and run in the Inter High with you, Imaizumi!!
5: I see. Then it's going to be a challenging four days
Yeah, exactly!!
Pag 17
1: Let's go, Sugimoto!!
Yeah!!
2: I'll also become stronger in this training camp!! Imaizumi, no matter what kind of opponent will come at me, I will!!
3: So that I'll be able to run om that stage with you!!
5: Sugimoto.... in my cold way of speaking, I... think you're powerless
6: I also have to get stronger during these four days
I have a margin that Onoda and Naruko can't close, and I plan on reaching the goal faster than anyone else
7: Eventually, you'll fall behind
Pag 18
1: I'll take the “powerless you” and run 1000km!! That's the “human handicap” I chose for myself!!
Pag 19
1: End of the first day of training camp
Ahhh I'm so tired!
Ah, my legs, my legs hurt....
Ahh, I can't walk
2: The senpai are walking so quickly!
Incredible!
4: Teeeh....
Guaa....
5: As expected... training camp is so hard...
Waaaa, the world is spinning...
And tomorrow.... too? Kinaka-kun
Yeah!! Rokudai
Ughh...
Distance covered on the first day: Imaizumi and Sugimoto, 250km
Pag 20
1: Kaburagi and Danchiku, respectively 250km and 240km
Sugimoto Sadatoki, Gorizou, Sawada, and the third year Kawada, all retired
3: Onoda and Naruko, 225km and 250km
4: My back....
My neck....
My legs....
It hurts
The first years
5: Rokudai and Kinaka, 180km
Several other people reached the goal sefely
#yowamushi pedal#yowapeda#yowamushi pedal manga#yowapeda manga#yowamushi pedal translations#yowamushi pedal spoilers#ride 730#this chap is so interesting????#at this point im not sure what onoda and naruko's strategy is???#but also naruko isnt all that bad on climbing and we saw that already since he turned into an all rounder#and im guessing this is his way of getting even better at that#and also#its time for onoda to get better on flats lmao#then... sugimoto#on one hand reading him saying all those thing about getting stronger and all made me think that hell prolly go to the ih#but then imaizumi...... the way he thinks about it its like he knows already that sugimoto wont make it#(which tbh bitch behaviour lmao classic imaizumi#imaizumi be like: i love sugimoto with all my heart but he kinda sucks at cycling and im not gonna lie about it)#so hmmmmmm#and then theres the first years who are so behind everyone else.....#tbh im like 99%sure at least roku-chan will make the team#this whole training camp arc is so stressing what is watanabe doing to uuuuuus#(on another note tho i laughed so hard at kawada dropping off already aasdsadfdsgdf)
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My neurodivergencies and mental illnesses overlap so much that you could diagnose me with about anything at this point
#ocd and autism put together? must tap on things. must tap in specific rythm. or die. my whole life#adhd and autism? oh i cant focus but when i do that's all ill focus on for months or years#i can't pay attention but i have a photographic memory! so that didn't affect me much in school#also w the ocd and autism i constantly have to be picking at my skin in some way#whether it be dandruff my lips scabs or just chewing on the inside of my cheeks#like i can never stop no matter what#oh and another great thing about ocd and autism put together is that you get Echolalia²#this thing is going to repeat in the background of your head for months#and also you must sometimes say/sing it out loud randomly or you will explode#i was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and BPD also#manic and depressive episodes? turned out that was literally just dependent on my pain med prescription#rapid cycling emotions can come from all of those#i also have psychosis episodes and delusions! and hallucinations! wee!#oh and let's put a littlr sprinkle of C-PTSD on top of everything. just for fun#''anxiety disorder'' that was me freaking out about masking and how everyone would judge me#major depressive disorder? yeahhhh there's always that base level of despair#like I'm pretty sure the ocd adhd and autism are like one Whole Thing together#i hear the symptoms of all of those and im like yeah that's me! that's also me! shit! that's also me!#WHY IS THERE SO MUCH WRONGGGG#.bdo
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been looking in tags for a few days now to see if anyone else found the whole high cloud quintet and related story to be a bit.....poorly written, nonsensical, contradictory, full of plot holes and loose ends, etc. apparently i'm not the only one. (and i'm not even talking about shipping stuff, because any time I saw someone mad about bad writing, someone always replies to be homophobic and laugh about failed ships. weirdos.) it could have been so good but was thrown into the garbage for the most part (IF you noticed all the plot holes and contradiction. if not, then it's a fine enough story tbh. I expect most people to see it on surface level and not read all the little hidden lore bits and try to piece it together like my autistic brain did. which is ok! enjoy it if you liked it and ignore me 😆)
#apparently one of the writers did it on purpose. wont explain here. you can find it elsewhere. but it makes sense now#that's why it fell apart and didnt make sense in the end#ive seem people say anyone mad about it is a shipper and thats why. they use it as an excuse to be homophobes#youre gross get out of thos fandom. im here as someone upset about the story who was very skeptical about any ship theories and focused#more on plot theories and overall friendship and stuff so its not even about shipping you het weirdos!!!#the contradictions and plot holes are bd regrdless of who you ship lmao stop reducing it to that#aure its fine if you ignlre those plot holes. but it happened to be the little plot holes that interested me the most so its obvious to me😅#cant wait until a talented writer in the fandom rewrites the whole story a lot better and fills in the holes and ties up the end better#please someone do this 😭#lee text#hsr#i just wanted a close found family who met a tragic end#my idea for a better way to write it is dan feng wanted free from the high elder cycle and yingxing helped him create a new elder#but it went wrong and failed because the preceptors fed him wrong info hopong it woukd destroy dan feng since they hated him#instead it was yingxing that died and dan feng selfishly brought him back somehow and thats why hes immortal and hates dan heng now#they created a monster in the process that made a mess and baiheng died trying to kill it maybe but hit its weak spot#so it was weaked enough for jingliu to slay it#maybe for a plot twist jing yuan somehow knew the preceptors were up to something and didnt stop the two because#they were too stubborn and he knew it would do nothing#we know the dragon heart disappeared so either it ended becoming bailu in the end#or it could be inaide blade bow. another fun possible plot twist. they never explained where it went so it coukd be a n y w h e r e#i had other ideas but i forget now. bht baiheng deserves better as well. just being a plot mechanism to make two dudes be stupid#is kinda bland and boring and wasted her character. she deserves better too!!!!#id write this if i had the time and brain power but ill hope someone else does it instead#OH yeah i forgot a big idea. dan feng and yingxing perhaps try to also kill the arbor and end the abundance and long life/reincarnation#and maybe that was one part that led to it all going wrong or something. since yingxing wanted revenge on the abundance for destroying#his home and family???? and dan feng wanted to escape the cycle? similar wants that worked together snd failed#these are all ideas from past theories i read and my own ideas i came up with all of which are better than what that bad writer did!#these are very incomplete ideas that im sure someone else can write better#lee rambles
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by god i will fucking go to open mic today by god by god
#im gonna sing new york city because it says im three days from new york city and I ACTUALLY AM i just realized#it will also be good to pair with my really dour and sad and vulnerable original which i feel the need to play kind of by way of explanatio#as to why i havent shown up there in months Lol ummm >.<#anyways im having my partner drive me drop me off and literally push me in the door to ensure i actually go#he did volunteer to cancel on his friends to go watch me to make sure i go which was really sweet but unnecessary#but i swear to god i will make it there this time and actually go play#i am a little worried i might cry during the first song though so i do have a backup just in case#but aghhhh i will FINALLY break the cycle today or else
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#i kind of want to kill myself. im so disconnected from anything. i have no original thought. everything is scripted#everything is just put together pieces from things ive heard elsewhere and i do not have a single original thought#everyone can see that im masks all the way down and everyone can see that i am nothing underneath and even that is a stolen way of saying it#i have no way of making nothing palatable but i am simply nothing. invite me over and ill try to adapt to you and write a new script based#off new media but if you make me truly comfortable and somehow manage to unplug my behavior then youll be rewarded with me just sitting#beside you on the floor and staring at whatever media you show me without speaking much and only occasionally seeking further warmth from#you#i vocalized it to someone close recently but im a nothing void and i wish people all acted in exactly the way i wanted regardless#i have selfish fantasies about people just doing everything to make everything easy for me and if i were a god i would be an entirely#selfish one#if the right people would go and stay as i please even though im a nothing void and dont deserve them around#if they would all do whatever i needed like gave me cuddles or sex or affirmation or money or treats#if life was one long cycle of being the most treated god by everyone then maybe i could be something i dont know#maybe something could be manifested into me#everyone already projects an idea onto me so maybe a collective idea held by all with a great deal of love would make whatever they say of#me true and maybe then id exist fully#until then oh well#though in reality im just sanitizing a bit. having others fully as puppets serving me isnt something that i want because i think itll “fix”#me by any measures and id likely only grow far more sadistic and selfish but i wish for that world because i could live in perfect comfort#i could do anything i wanted and have anything i wanted and nobody would stop me#sorry this is just like. a long rambling in tags. i should shut up now
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I will probably cave and watch the fall of the house of usher anyways but let it be stated for the record that I do not and never will like flanegans work
#its the themelessness for me....#if you pay attention to how he writes/frames you can tell that beneath the veneer of a Family Redeems and Love Conquers theme#there actually isnt any salient consistency with the Why#at my most generous hes going for a 'your loved ones are complicated individuals capable of hurt but you should still love and forgive them'#but he never crafts an argument as to why that should happen besides the Bad Things Happening that comprise the plot of a horror production#and im not saying that you shouldnt forgive people but just that an artistic production that centers it thematically#ahould be able to make that argument on its own two legs#also he writes all women as smarmy#and makes them suffer the greatest narrative consequences despite often having minimal roles in the cycles of violence the plot centers#but he makes absolutely no cogent point that transforms it into a commentary on misogyny instead of another iteration of it#and the way he paces dialogue and sets characters on these patronizing monologues just artistically is weak imo#but will i watch the new one? probably 😔
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