#this is in my notes app with zero context

[suguwu]

hey past self. what is this.

[eternallyhyucks]

sungchan as a down bad college bf

— no warnings, fluff, wc: 319 , req by anon :)

— i was listening to heavy by the marías while writing this and this song is so sungchan

𖤐 ྀ

would definitely text you about random things that happen to him throughout the day like you’re his notes app

“i saw a frog today”

“someone just tripped up the stairs”

“forgot my keys at home”

100% would go to your classes with you if he was free

“can i come today too?”

“not today, have an exam😓”

“i’ll take it for you🤗”

physical touch!

i definitely see him as the type to love holding hands and just keeping you close in general☹️

buys matching keychains bc everyone needs to know how cute and cool you guys are

so many study dates

he probably ends up getting distracted by staring at you half the time, but he cant help it if you’re so beautiful all the time

you’d def have to scold him a couple (a lot) of times before he actually does his own work

if you work an on campus job, he would visit all the time and fight the urge to apply just to be able to work with you LOL

late night walks <3!

would show up to your dorm or apartment at like 12am and say “let’s go” with zero context

i feel like he’d be a popular campus crush, but he makes sure it doesn’t bother you at because he only has eyes for you :D

definitely the type to be late to class and still find a way to see you before it

vlogs his walks to class even if you’ll see him an hour or two later (and makes you do the same)

during the weeks where both of you are busy, he would facetime and text you as much as he can, sending small encouraging words throughout the day to help both of you get through tougher days

down bad sungchan, the man you are😭

©eternallyhyucks

taglist

@izchone , @baekswoons , @jiwon-44 , @junityy , @pr0dbeomgyu , @neos127 , @wccycc , @koishua , @changminurheart , @rainbowglitteramythyst , @baekhyunstruly , @soobin-chois , @yjwfav , @fairybinie , @sleepingisweak

!! unable to tag bolded

—send an ask if you would like to be a part of my taglist!!

[spiritsglade]

for that dvd commentary ask thing, from the latest fic!!

He knows how he managed it, this time, but it still doesn't feel real. His limbs are numb and he can barely hear the clack of the teeth in his mouth, clattering against each other. The winter air burns in his lungs and with every breath it's like he can feel his body a little less.

He looks up at the stars. He thinks maybe if he knew the constellations, he'd have figured it out earlier. They move throughout the year, don't they?

So what if he doesn't know? What if he died again? He's alive now, Bruce is coming, and the sky above is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

for context, this is about my fic redux.

i wrote the first draft of this entire fic on the notes app of my phone at a christmas house party thing on… i want to say the 21st? i was very close to deleting the entire second half of the fic after the divider, and ending the first on something similar to that last little line ("the sky above is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.") the only reason i kept it was literally just because i already shoved too many immortal jason todd foreshadowing bits into the first half and having them there without any payoff felt silly. but it was supposed no bruce, no batfam at all!! because the core of what i wanted to communicate with the fic was really captured in an earlier line: "He doesn't remember this part last time, the part where he's here and alive and the world feels impossibly open." [yes i was heavily considering cutting the superhero rpf. i will gladly kill my darlings!! (unfortunately this is a lie, seeing as i caved in the end.)]

because last time breaking out of the grave was only the beginning of jason todd's journey through hell. the hospital, the convalescent home, the streets, league training lazarus pit etc. there's a very frenetic energy to his first resurrection? he keeps going and going and going. time keeps slipping by he's catatonic and then he's fueled by rage, the entire timeline is filled in from retrospect. when under the hood first came out, it did not fucking matter how he came back to life, it only mattered that he came back (and came back wrong). which is to say, jason never got the chance to just. revel in being alive again? we're too busy playing out his revenge tragedy. he never had a moment where he could appreciate everything being alive offers that the nothingness of death does not. zero opportunity to sit and breathe. and i wanted to give him that.

that was, at conception, the point of the fic. i feel like it's a little weakened because now instead it's about bruce fucking wayne again but whatever i'll get over it.

okay a break down of the lines:

He knows how he managed it, this time, but it still doesn't feel real.

i'm gonna be for real, this is here because him being able to break out of a professional, expensive hardwood coffin six feet under while it's RAINING and he has FRESH injuries from the crowbar + explosion? literally fucking impossible. realistically he would have asphyxiated in there again within an hour and superboy punching the universe would have changed absolutely nothing. jason doesn't know how he managed to crawl out of his grave last time. the author doesn't know, either. but it makes sense how he managed it this time!!! i did my research!!

it does not feel real because it's still taking him time to process that he died again + probably the hypothermia's playing a part in that.

His limbs are numb and he can barely hear the clack of the teeth in his mouth, clattering against each other. The winter air burns in his lungs and with every breath it's like he can feel his body a little less.

Just descriptions of him being cold <3 and dying of hypothermia <3 i really enjoy descriptive writing. i probably could have edited it further to improve the flow of the sentences but. yeagh. cold air hurts my throat so bad it's upsetting.

He looks up at the stars. He thinks maybe if he knew the constellations, he'd have figured it out earlier. They move throughout the year, don't they?

jason does not know his constellations propaganda. i just think this city boy should get to witness the sky a little more often!! i don't know if you've seen those photos of how the sky looks with zero light pollution. personally, i will believe that's how it looks when i see it with my own two eyes. in the meantime, even my suburban hell has a pretty sky that is leagues better than what you'd get in pollution central.

So what if he doesn't know? What if he died again? He's alive now, Bruce is coming, and the sky above is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

this is feeding back into the original point of the fic. he wasn't alive before, sure but he is now!! live in the moment and appreciate it!

bruce is coming because i cannot fucking escape this asshole. if i write about jason he's always there hovering on the peripheral until i am forced to acknowledge him.

(sidenote: this is why he and jason have a face to face meeting in lies of omission ch.7 instead of the original plan, which would have saved any sort of confrontation between them for chapter like… 20. bruce just demands space. he's so annoying. go away.)

anyway this fic is pro-batfam and pro-bruce, which means! bruce coming is a good thing! it's a change to the ending of his death [bruce was too late] and his first resurrection [all the near misses that prevented bruce from finding him]. like in some ways this is meant to be an opposite thesis to then batman kills his son. if you squint. this time bruce will be here when jason needs him!!

i could not fit it in easily so i gave up, but bruce here has been forcibly benched in the cave, stuck running comms, due to injury. that's why it takes him all of 2 seconds to get on a batplane directly to jason's location.

and again stars are pretty propaganda. like guys i am so serious go out and look at the sky. i am an unironic 'do you like the color of the sky' post liker. i like that post so fucking much. you don't understand. the sky. guys. it can be blue and orange and pink and yellow and the stars and there are so many different kinds of clouds i don't think you understand how gorgeous it can be and and- gets shot

anyway.

this fic is a second resurrection for jason, one that is different from the first in every way that matters.

bruce wayne also had a support system this time so he didn't fall the fuck apart like the last time jason died <3 i didn't really have an exact figure in mind for how long jason's been dead but it's somewhere between 3-6 months. from their perspective, he straight up disappeared after a fight, so there's this weird mix of thinking he's dead but holding out hope that he'll come back. the grief is still very much present but they've managed to hold themselves together because they have each other! waves my hands around vaguely can you see where the title came from.

hm. in conclusion. being alive is pretty awesome. i recommend.

[occasionaloneshots]

Okay so when I'm working on a long fic and I don't have time to get into it but i get an idea (like at work or things of that nature) I have a bad habit of adding it in the most confusing way but the least amount of words I can to a section of my outline titled "Notes app shit" and it helps me remember but is actually insane and makes zero sense to it's actual context to anyone else.

Anyway, here's the top hits that helped me make my outline for the Monty Foster Mom who was a dog fic (it has a title but idk if I wanna keep it, and I'm annoying and want to have it done so I just have to edit as I post it, it will come out eventually) If you don’t know my blog, it's referring to this post (Also trigger warning for abuse and gore mentions)

Monty candle panic (vague mentions that TCK fucks with wax play I fucking guess?)

Magic collar fuck shit

“Baby come on, I know I sold your soul to make you semi-immortal but look at how charming I am. Why would you want me to have to spend 7 lives without you?” Immediately loses a life

“From Mama’s toy to Momma’s boy. What a sad husband you’d make”

“I am so irrevocably in love with you, my sun rises for you. You could beat me to my last life and in my weakest state I’d still curl up in your arms just to feel your love” “you were literally trying to fuck that ghost last month” “okay and? This isn’t about that”

I don’t want your boy, please come get him. He’s reeking up my store with all his internalized hatred

“You’re exhausting. You’re all teenage petulance until she comes around then suddenly you’re all ‘Mommy let me read you your birth chart and can you play with my hair’ like a toddler showing her a painting. No wonder you don’t have friends your age.”

Monty breaks a cup, literally prepares to die

“You’re laughing? I tell you that both of your mothers beat me to death and you’re laughing?” “Well, did you deserve it?” “Only the first time, I ate that shit the second time”

Not close, not enemies, some secret third thing (Lots of respect but no love) 

they’re family, they’re lovers, they’re enemies, they’re everything and nothing all at once “I’m not the step-dad, I’m the dad who stepped up” “You’re neither actually” 

Siblings who hate each other but would jump in front of a bus for each other. One time his ass brought her a glass of ice and told her to wait for it when she asked for water.

“There’s a bird boy in my house and idk where the cannibalism line is there”

I can forgive her for what she did to me, but with how fucked up he is? If that witch was still here I’d use her entrails as a jump rope 

Drags Monty bird to the store, he has a thing for sunflower seeds which she finds very cute

 Seneca scented mother fucker stinking her place up with his smell and his vibes, god damn (This one was personal due to a man at work's whole damn aura smelling like a seneca)

Yeah I have an ex who did some major supernatural fuck shit to me too

TCK saves her from a creepy customer by pretending to be her man, he instantly becomes the creepy customer

Shout out cat king magic, less of a shout out to those bloody teeth marks in her shoulder

Anyway, to the few people who said they wanted it, it'll be here eventually. IDK starting it is really hard when the idea stemmed from a scene from chapters 2, 3, 6, and 8 I'm working very sporadically rn

[flionp]

going through my notes app is always such a journey, because I never remember 80% of what I put there and constantly get hit by fascinating things with zero context

what did past me mean by that.

[polysucks]

HEY NERDS 🗣️🗣️

Ayo I know I got like 300 asks I haven’t answered and like 2,000 dms I haven’t even looked at yet. You should see my little red discord notification thing. I’ve never seen her so used and abused and wanton.

This school semester is kicking my ass and I got some. Very mild but whack home stuff going on so like. If you see me posting and you think I’m ignoring you, you’re wrong and I love you. I post bc it’s easy to scream into the void and takes zero energy, but I am not responding to friends and fans yet bc I wanna give you all the individual attention and dedication you all deserve.

Also getting closer to getting that discord server up and running so my DMs don’t look so insane :,)

I am also finishing up my current comms, so comm slots might get opened up soon. So imma be posting some wips.

And maybe I’ll get comfortable enough to post the three chapters of the Wild West sansan-heavy-but-not-exclusive AU uhhhh. Thing? I don’t wanna call it a fic but I guess by pure definition it is. But I don’t have an ending planned (just like peepaw intended) that I’ve been writing in my notes app to cope. I literally sit in bed and hit my vape uncontrollably and type this shit out until I fall asleep and it’s unhinged. HMU if you wanna beta or edit this shit bc I’m too stupid to do it myself. (Also I’m not a writer. Like at all. I know history and social context, and the westward expansion is like my secret little hyperfixation that I tell no one about and has been since I was but a wee tot. Would love to have an actual writer in my corner beta-ing me and I know I have AMAZING writer friends you guys blow me away like fr fr)

ANYWAY LOVE YOU BYEEEEEEEE 💖💗♥️

[pillarofopenness]

Closed RP account for Sharena of Fire Emblem: Heroes! Affiliated with The Officers Academy.

Mobile Links: About Interview Stats Tags

Portrayal Notes:

Sharena is placed post-book-6-pre-book-7 as of her acceptance until I update this. This means I am as of now treating books 7, 8, and 9 as if they are not real. This is because I have not read them. I’ll get to it soon I just wanted to make sure I got Sharena out in the world first so I didn’t have to deal with another Embla muse situation coming out of nowhere and killing her off mid-app like what happened to Kagetsu.

You may not know her, but she most definitely knows you so watch out. She knows all. She could even introduce you to thousands of strangers on her own webpage if she wanted to! (She won’t though. That’s creepy. She doesn’t wanna freak you out like that.) For the sake of not making everyone think she’s insane, she will not be going up to people like “:0 omg….. that’s blorbo from my Hero’s Barracks……” but she will be thinking it so. Be Aware™. 

As I myself have only played like 3 out of the 17 fire emblem games and as such only know ~44% of the characters currently in TOA like at all (yes I did the math shush), Sharena’s initial knowledge of all muses will be based solely on their Meet The Hero’s entry and their FEH voice lines if I happen to have them for the sake of consistency. It is not always the most accurate characterization in the world (especially for older games which makes it even worse because those are the ones I have zero context for), so if Sharena gets anything glaringly wrong please do not blame me I’m trying my best blame Heroes

Major FEH story spoilers will be tagged as such with the tag “feh spoilers”! (Very original, I know, thanks for noticing I worked hard on it)

For the sake of distinguishing her from Elise so I’m not just musing the same character twice, I tend to try to lean into Sharena’s more competent and responsible side we see her with in battle than her blindly trusting silly side. I have reasons for this IC of course and she is still my silly, she’s just not as silly with me as some may perceive her to be so I’m just putting a warning so nobody gets blindsided by what they think is something too ooc for Sharena. I promise I’m sticking as close to the vibes I get from her as I can even if she has a brain (affectionate).

[toinfinitywinning]

this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

[venusenvvvy]

FOREWARD

Introduction:

If you’re reading this, you either A) came across my fan-fiction on AO3 and are mildly curious about what you’ve just stumbled across, or B) you followed me a few years ago and forgot about it, and now this post is on your dashboard and you have zero idea who I am or what’s going on.

If you belong to group B and would like an inkling of context, feel free to check out Burning Houses now. It’s probably the most out there Harry Potter fanfiction concept you’ve seen in a while.

The Tragic Backstory:

In September of 2020 I was 17, and I had spent the past three years alone, in a walk in closet that had been repurposed to be by bedroom. I won’t get into the specifics of why. I spent my days and nights laying in bed and alternating between daydreaming and reading, until that’s what my life became.

Up until then I had posted a few short stories - things I had written quickly in the middle of the night and never expected to get much attention. The only thing extraordinary about me in my every day life was how utterly invisible I could become.

By the time September of 2020 rolled around I had been reading Harry Potter fan-fiction for years - this was before the explosion of the Marauders fandom, with the posting of ATYD, and then subsequently the resurgence of Harry Potter with Tiktok edits and the media attention garnered by JK Rowling - and the place was a graveyard. It was comforting, in a way. Just me, rooting through old tropes and ideas. My favourites were time travel stories that found Harry older, wiser and more powerful. Or the ones where everyone found out how the Dursleys had been treating Harry and, horrified, saved him from his barren, locked bedroom with the bars on the window, giving the Dursleys’ a piece of their mind the entire time.

Yes. I’m aware of the parallels.

The problem with dead fandoms is that you run out of content. So I started writing a story - just for me - about this daydream I had been having for the past several weeks. I wrote it in the notes app of my phone every night laying in bed until four in the morning, and then I woke up in the afternoon to start again.

Then, due to circumstances outside of my control, my phone was destroyed, and I lost 100,000 words of content and months of work. It was like losing a diary - the story was how I channeled my thoughts, how I expressed my feelings, wrestled with philosophies and debated by beliefs.

But there was one thing that survived - the first chapter. I wanted to make sure I could always read it no matter what, so I posted it publicly - stapled it to the wall of an empty room - and tried to rebuild what I’d lost.

And then people read it.

Three Years Later:

People read it, and liked it. They saw this thing that represented me and they liked it, and they wanted to know when there was going to be more. So I panicked, and I wrote another chapter and posted it. And then after months of people asking me when there was going to be more I posted >another< chapter.

But it didn’t feel right. It felt like strangers reading my diary. What had started as a (arguably unhealthy) coping mechanism for dealing with a reality I couldn’t face had become a silly little story for my readers, and I was beginning to feel embarrassed that I was taking it so seriously. That it was more for me than a story that I had made up, about these books with dull characters and a plot so tedious that I couldn’t make it through reading. This series that was beginning to draw more and more criticism as time went on, and JK Rowling continued to dig the franchises grave deeper and deeper.

Three years later has found me at 20 years old, a better writer, with a lot about my life having changed. I don’t need to read those fan-fictions plots to escape anymore, or daydream about going back in time, or being someone else - I saved myself in a very real, tangible way. I came out as trans and fought to be myself. I’m writing this essay from my own apartment with all the space I want. I attend regular therapy, and own a beautiful puppy service dog named Sirius. I go hiking and to parties, and I sleep at night then I go to work in the morning. I live in a world outside of my own head, surrounded by this beautiful life that I’ve built for myself from nothing.

So Why Start Over?

There’s a lot of reasons. I want to rewrite this story because I’ve gained more experience in life. Because I want to start again, this time without being embarrassed of how much this story means to me, or how long it’s taking me to finish, or being ashamed of taking it this seriously at all.

I want to challenge the idea of fan-fiction as being silly, or unoriginal, or illegitimate - something that needs to be hidden, or kept as a stepping stone before writing “real” novels. I want to be writing this story for the explicitly, publicly stated purpose of it being art on its own, because I have things to say that I want to express specifically through this artistic medium.

I wanted you to know more about me - the stranger behind the words, the man behind the curtain - what this story was really about for me, and where it came from. And now you do.

[redeliminator]

WAIT I DINT GET IT. The reactions under “this drawing in the context of zero day” what would that be referring to. why is everyone going “im deleting this app” im lost 😿💔

it doesn't really fit any actual scene in the movie but I think we are all collectively projecting our own headcanons onto this art. my first thought when I saw it was that it's Andre sitting in his car on May 1st (ignore the weather), in the school parking lot, as they were supposed to, but he's alone. maybe Cal somehow backed out at the last second, either killed himself or just backed out of zero day asking andre to never mention it again (doesn't sound realistic but they're crazy, who tf knows) and all he left him was a note.

so yeah, it's just my imagination lmao

[inkystaarart]

the lineups of my daydreamer au aka my highschool au i drew while watching yhs

these are just the sketches of the first few profiles i had written in my notes. i did a few sketches like 2 months ago basically introducing the sibling pairs but i’ll explain the characters drawn here better.

keep in mind these are all pretty much headcannons. i built this kind of like TommyInnit Changed the Chat to GENDER SMP

(this is a very long post)

Grian Xequla Dreamslayer

he/they/star/chirp pronouns

bisexual (i might change this later?)

student council. basically boatem and a few others are on the student council with mumbo as president (at first)

avian/watcher. he has an improved eyesight and he can occasionally see through walls.

flock: mumbo, scar, pearl, etho, timmy, martyn, big b, and joel (joel is not official yet)

orchetra kid. he plays the viola.

Pearl Moon Dreamslayer

she/void/star

queer

student council

dating gem.

avian/watcher. can see through walls some days. or see people’s skulls. it’s funny. sometime she just says “you have a nice skull” to someone without context and scars them for life. (basically context for that one obscure pearl post i made a few months ago)

genderfae!

flock: grian, gem, impulse, jimmy, martyn, big b

Jimmy Solidarity Dreamslayer

he/it/feather

bisexual

he’s an avian/watcher. although he got mostly avian genes. sometimes he has improved eyesight but usually he doesn’t. depends on the day. he’s the least watcher out of all of them.

flock, pearl, grian, joel (not official), scott, martyn, big b

on the school’s swim team. based on empires s1 since he was a cod boy? idk i didn’t watch that season from his pov

he looks up to grian. i actually can’t mention a lot of what i put in this paragraph on my notes app because it reveals a shit ton about grian’s backstory and i’d rather hurt you on ao3 in a few months. if you do read.

Mumbo K. Jumbo

he/it/gear/zero

unlabeled

student council president! he was sick when everyone voted for president so he was president

etho’s twin.

likes to study end crystals!

Etho Slab Jumbo

they/echo/daze

aceflux

mumbo’s twin

really good friends with grian because i love their dynamic. mumbo sometimes gets jealous

dated joel in middle school

orchestra kid. he plays the cello

in the sparring club at school. practically the best sparring person there.

Scar Goodtimes Smajor

he/it/meow/fizz

omnisexual

student council. he’s in charge of designing school merch

fey

scott and scar are irish twins. they’re in different school years for story purposes.

favorite sport is archery. if you know you know

orchestra kid. plays the violin.

Scott Chromia Smajor

he/color/lucid/ve

gay

does not have a favorite color. loves them all equally.

collects crystals

Bdubs Smajor

he/moss/thorn

questioning. or unlabeled queer.

clings to etho and cleo a lot. calls them dad and mom.

Fail Whip “Fwhip” Tay

he/it/gold

demisexual

he’s adopted into gem’s family. and also random headcannon: gem and fwhip have two moms. they’re cool like that.

Gemini “Gem” Tay

she/they/daisy/thorn

bisexual

dating pearl

band kid. plays the trombone.

False Symmetry Shadow

she/they/it/wing

pansexual, polyamorous

dating cleo and stress

in the sparring club at school. wins a lot. except against etho.

shapeshifter. she can change what hybrid or species she appears as, just not her physical humanoid details (if that makes sense) she usually appears as an avian but without the wings.

Lizzie Shadow

she/xe/meow

bisexual

dating joel

shapeshifter. she switches between a fish lady (for when she swims) and a cat hybrid. someday i’ll better explain how the shadow family’s shape shifting powers work

joel acts tough and like he can protect her but lizzie defends him in fights and everyone is scared of lizzie but not joel because joel is short

dyed her hair pink. joel helped her and then lizzie convinced him to do a green streak in his hair

on the school swim team

orchestra kid. plays either the bass or the viola. depends.

Tango Tek Shadow

he/ve/sun

polysexual

most of my notes on him are for his future relationship

shapeshifter. takes the form of a demon/netherborn

Impulse SV Daemonium

he/they/demon

gay

skizz’ twin

skizz calls him piss demon because his horns, the tips of his ears, and his tail are colored yellow

Skizz MC Daemonium

he/him

straight

i legit wrote “single. not ready to mingle. never will be” in his notes.

this concludes part one.

[tightjeansjavi]

I have my own place and my notes app is full of just random measurements and I don’t remember what they’re for so I keep re-measuring and writing them down again. Endless circle.

I have found so much random shit in my notes that I have now deleted because it’s like one word with zero context and I’m like HUH?? The voice notes I have in there are absolute gold content so I will not be deleting them lol

[greenwriterplaidbow]

I had to be up for multiple days in a row with only an hour or two of sleep when I could get it because of some stuff with my pet but now that she's getting better and I've actually gotten a good nights sleep, I've seen the weird ass messages i left myself on notes app and sticky notes with zero context

My top favorites are probably:

"BLINDS" all caps on a sticky note on my desk chair (not near blinds??)

"Patch ide, For to sew" left in the notes app followed by a four lines of things that make actually more sense. this one I understand, it was supposed to be 'patch idea, to sew' because I hand embroider patches and I'm guessing I forgot the word embroidery which is fair, it was written at 2:58am

"Pussy so good it's a security threat" just in my notes app? Like my only guess is that it referring to a fic idea that I forgot now that I'm sane again, it's just a wild statement out of context

[lonelynpc]

📚 + 💌 (You seem like the kind of person with zero unread emails)

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app? 

for context, phil ate my lunch:

おれの名前はｐｈｉｌです。おれは人間のゴミ。

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now? 

i am so sorry to disappoint but i have 1,376 unread emails in my personal email atm my professional email is immaculate though

[vampiric-touch]

🥳, 🎁, 👑, and 🔮

🥳 Why did you start writing fanfic

The year was 1842 and waving goodbye to my old pals as I ventured forth into the unknown. I felt invigorated to write again. After reading so many wonderful fics. I also wanted to see if I still had it in me.

👑 Do you like writing writing short fics or long fics? I… like writing long fics. Do I wish they were short? Absolutely. One day. I will write a short one. One and done. 😤

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share?

Oh! Anon, you are dastardly. Umm. I suppose for the upcoming chapter of Idyllic Views. Just a small little snippet of dialogue with zero to no context? “Alcina…” you softly whine. “Shh, you heard Donna. The walls are thin,”

You squirm beneath her hold. “Uh, uh, you suggested this little game,” She whispers.

🫣.

🔮-Any advice for writers working through burnout or writer’s block?

I don’t think I’m the best person for advice. Considering, I took a long break from fanfiction writing and I caught the writing bug back in May? April of last year? ( Had to check my notes app.) I have learned now. It’s okay to take breaks. It’s okay to walk away from a piece. It’ll be there when you are ready to touch it again. You’ll read through it and go. Oh! Okay. The old saying of reading is a tried and true statement. Whether it be other fanfics or actual novels. Listening to music is helpful. I have also learned that going back to good old pen and paper helps as well. Some of the things I have written as of late have come from a post-it note. So, moral of it all is. Take breaks. Don’t beat yourself up for it. Drink water. Circle back. Repeat. Most importantly, write for you first.

[isa-renee]

i love going through my notes app every once in a while turns out i had a story idea a few nights ago at like 3am and i remember it now but i just like found a random note that said “afterlife polyamory romance novel??????” with absolutely zero context alfkdkgkf