#this is going to take over my life help
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Am I the only one who wants a sort of Spiderverse type plot line for RC9GN? Like- either this is parallel to the ITSV/ATSV movies where, thereās different ninjas and whatnot or itās an idea similar to one I saw from someone else where itās different AUās overlapping and interacting but there is an actual story happening!
Like I donāt have a clear idea for this- and Iām also tacking in yet another verse no one asked for, on top of my other ones, but seriously this idea would be so interesting.
Like you have OG! Randy interacting with the others from different, albeit specific, timelines- OR WE HAVE ACTIAL SPIDER RANDY- like,
God now I have ideas rampaging through my mind and I canāt get enough of them- but seriously I need SOME motivation to finish an idea I already started working on. Please,
RC9GN is taking over my life in the best and worst ways possible
#randy cunningham 9th grade ninja#rc9gn#rc9gn au#alternate universes#atsv#atsv au#across the spiderverse#atsv crossover#randy cunningham#howard weinerman#first ninja#rc9gn randy#rc9gn howard#rc9gn first ninja#no because what if finja was like miguel and randy was miles#i am stimming so hard right now#spiderverse au#this is the most self indulgent my ideas will ever get#thatās honestly a lie but oh my god this has so much potential#hyperfixation#im hyperfixating so hard rn#ć Ā» what am i gonna hyperfixate on this week? ā¢ ooc. Ā« ć#why is this my life#neurodivergent#neurodivergence#actually autistic#this is going to take over my life help#ninja nomicon#rc9gn nomicon#how much angst can i give these characters before i decide to stop?
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unconditionally
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#megumi#yuuji#im shaky and numb the way this took years off my life#genuinely cannot believe i thought it was smart to make it a comic i could have stuck at a painting and it would have been fine#but nooooooo in my hubris i thought Surely im an expert at this longform stuff now Surely i can do it :)#and then it killed me it killed me dead this is like over twice as long as the train comic and 4 times as detailed#backgrounds . angles. i yearn fr death.#AND I HAD 2 WRITE THEM ACTUALLY TALKING GGSDH i am actually so insecure abt the way the dialogue flows gomen....#i wanted to add more to it to fix how clipped and rushed i think it reads#but that would mean drawing more expressions would mean drawing more panels would mean more gd hyDRANGEAS#so ultimately i decided 2 have the conversation take the hit because let me tell u.#if i have to draw. one more blue petal i will snap i will lose it#i knew tht would happen n wanted to alleviate some of the pain so i found a few brushes that helped speed up the process#but the thing w a lot of premade flower brushes is they also come preshaded n look uniform in a way that stands out badly against my style#so i had 2 render over them anyway........#yuuji's domain rly putting me through the wringer first the train station now death by a bajillion petals smh#all that to say tho . my labour of love . i am going to take a nap#hina.comic
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder
ā°āā¤ āAt times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if youāre living with this illness and functioning at all, itās something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher
#happy world bipolar day to all my bp babies#(more thoughts at the end of the tags)#shameless#shamelessnet#shamelessedit#ian gallagher#cameron monaghan#*macygifs#bipolar disorder#hello pals how are we doin#i made this gif set in july of 2023 and never posted it because 1) i was terrified to share it and potentially see Bad Takes in the tags#and 2) because my hyperfixation was waning. and while both of those things are still mostly true (the fixation comes and goes)#i feel like it's really important to share as ian's bipolar storyline was not only so vital to his character it was a bit of representation#that isn't often given to the disorder and those (like myself) who live with it every single day#world bipolar day is a day where we can both celebrate ourselves and our resilience and also raise awareness of the reality of the disorder#which is both terrifying and beautiful at its core. this disease is not a death sentence or a sentence to an unfulfilled and miserable life#while there are challenges galore when it comes to balancing life with this disorder it IS possible to live a full and productive life#and i think it's really important to have representation of that in media - and while shameless dropped the ball on a LOT of storylines#over the years THIS is the one they really fucking nailed and i am incredibly grateful#i first started watching shameless while in the midst of a major depressive episode and i was later (finally) diagnosed during an extended#hypo/manic episode - this show and ian's storyline got me through so much and made me feel so seen and validated in my struggles#world bipolar day is also vincent van gogh's birthday (happy birthday buddy) who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder#and who experienced both depressive and hypo/manic episodes during his lifetime (and was regularly institutionalized)#it takes a lot of help and support to keep us going. it takes the support of our family and friends and *most* of all#it takes patience and kindness and understanding - which is so so so easy to give if you are willing to love and listen#so please. be willing. listen to our stories. be patient with us. show us love without conditions. support us in any way you can.#we are worth it#i promise#anyway. that's really all i wanted to say. happy world bipolar day to those who celebrate (me) and may all of us living with this disorder#go on to live happy fulfilling beautiful magical lives
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DP x DC AU: Danny desperately wants to find the explosion guy. Tim is really good at covering his tracks... he didn't account for ghosts.
The explosions make it onto TV as purported terror activity and most people haven't heard of that part of the world much less ever given a second thought to care about it. The only real reason it gets reported on has something to do with the Justice League and... Danny knows too much.
He's been in training for Clockwork's court (which he's suspicious of- feels like kingly duty bullshit- but Danny is playing along out of curiosity for now) and he's learned a lot about how the living and non-living worlds collide. That means learning about CW's usual suspects- one of which just happened to have a ton of bases around the area Danny was seeing on the news.
It didn't take long for Danny to try to piece together that whoever blew up Nanda Parbat was trying to fuck with the League of Shadows, and was doing it successfully. Less green portals in the world the better, same goes for assassins. But it gets Danny thinking... Maybe he can employ similar tactics on the GIW Bases that keep spawning on the edges of Amity Park. It would at least set them back while he and his friends navigated the help line desk to request Justice League intervention. None of them can leave Amity Park, so outreach is going to have to be creative.
So Danny figures he'll just find the guy. Call up some ghosts who were there, or er, came from there and get a profile and track him down. But the ghosts keep saying it was The Detective. Annoying!
Danny goes full conspiracy theory, gets Tucker and Sam involved, and begrudgingly asks Wes Weston his thoughts.
He hadn't expected Wes to garble out a thirty minute presentation (that had 100 more slides left to go before he cut it off) about how Batman totally trained with a cult and so did his kids. Danny kind of rolled his eyes but... hey, new avenue of searching in the Infinite Realms at least.
The ghosts confirm that Bombs is for sure not Batman's MO- But maybe his second kid would know? The second kid was already brought back to life though, so no way to easily reach him... Danny starts to realize that this might be the work of a Robin now. Wasn't the red one known for solving cold cases? (Sam provides this information- its a social faux pas to not know hero gossip at Gotham Galas- everything she's learned is against her will).
It all comes to a head when Danny goes about the hard task of opening a portal for the guy to come through at just the right time, explain the infinite realms so he doesn't panic and then describe what the fuck was going on with the GIW. It takes months, just over a full year, of random (educated guesses) portal generating- Finally, Red Robin drops into the land of the dead.
"So, you're the guy I've got to talk to about explosions right?" Danny enthusiastically asks.
Tim thinks he's died and landed in the after life following 56 hours of being awake and plummeting off the side of a building into a Lazarus pool. Nothing makes sense about the kid in front of him.
"Yeah, I got a guy for munitions." Tim answers cooly.
"How do you feel about secretly sanctioned government operations that violate protected rights?"
"Gotta get rid of 'em some how. Need me to point you in the right direction?" This might as well be happening.
#dcxdp#dpxdc#dp x dc#dc x dp#danny phantom#long post#tim drake#red robin#tim and danny team up to blow up the GIW au#Tim being known as the explosion guy is my favorite and i will not let this part of his lore go ignored#Jason is the munitions guy obviously and the ghosts go crazy over the gossip it enlights when he helps in amity park#Danny one hundred percent is living for this working relationship- what a weirdo -danny hasn't met someone stranger than himself in a min#tim bartering his services for a few more years of life and danny just pikachu facing him#Tim wants to improve his relations in the afterlife be he still completely thinks hes dead#danny: dude ur still alive#Tim: yeah thats the goal but i'll help you meet your goals first and then we can negotiate#Danny decides to make the guy super ghost rich (thinking big Haunt real estate) and send him home#Tim blows up the GIW with no remorse and with all the data back up for proper justice to be served court side#tim returns from the dead and this is how the bats learn that he's the one who blew up nanda parbat all those years ago#it takes danny so long to find tim bc tim was spiralling and only after bruce got back did he get into a normal routine enough to get got
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Lonely earth-bound monarch figures whose existences and legacies extend past the bounds of time and space.
#pokemon x and y#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon fanart#pokemon xy#az pokemon#area zero#the indigo disk#pokemon legends z-a#terapagos#pokemon az#my art#glimmora#Pokemon#my favs who held deity-like status ties to time/space (timeline split/multiverse) vital lore and lost potential..#flower motifs = glimmora and floette...#while one caused mass wipeout the other is a survivor of a natural disaster (though in some sense could take over the region with crystals)#both of their stories involved grand machine infused with potent power tied to the legendary mon#where in the end AZ/ai prof entreats the protagonists for their help to shut their creation down#both embody their themes - life/death#+ you need a special key item for the machine..the key and the book...sources and symbols of the creators' ambition#oh man do I think about them a lot...#at first I did not like the way this was going but im finally satisified with the results. I poured so many emotions in here lol
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more about og tue timeline twins danny and dan/jamie
very touchy with each other. you might even say. ccclingy. its to be expected, they're two halves of a whole after all and all they've got of each other. worryingly co-dependent. do not separate. ever.
Danny was really weak and sick after the initial separation, and was for a while after. Jamie knew internally that if Danny died, he'd take the whole world with it. He was the one sole caretaker for him while he got better -- not for lack of trying on Vlad's part, but without his ghost powers he was nothing more than a feeble (albeit handsomely rich) man, and James looked ready to bite his head off if he got within ten feet of either of them.
Vlad is intimately aware that James (or Danny, if he tried) could snap his spine in half like a twig, and is uncomfortably aware of his own lack of ghost half now. It makes him feel self-conscious and exposed, so he never fully returns back to "cocky and self-assured billionaire Vlad Masters". Making deals with other brands feels a lot harder now that he can no longer possess them anymore.
Speaking of, he very quickly has to come up with a cover story as to why there's now a James Daniel Fenton to the public, when no records whatsoever of him existing existed prior. Lots of forging false government documents on his end. James and Danny do not help because it's his fault this happened in the first place.
(Regardless of whether or not Danny actually willingly chose to rip out his ghost half/humanity in canon is true, or if that was Vlad Masters speaking out of his ass, a large part of the blame still falls on Masters.)
(As his primary caretaker and guardian, it's his responsibility to ensure the health and safety of his charge, and since Danny was in clear emotional duress at the time, it can be argued that he was not in the mental state to make such a decision. And, allegedly, couldn't do it on his own which is why he asked Vlad for help.)
I chose "James" as Dan's name since it's a popular fanon middle name for Danny, and since he's half of Danny, it felt like it just made sense lol. Also because of the ensuing comedy of the two of them introducing themselves as "James Daniel Fenton" and "Daniel James Fenton". It's got the same energy as "danny with a y" and "danny with an i" and it's the exact kind of name bullshit you expect parents to give their twins.
I don't have their exact personalities down, but something I am actively writing into this au's bible is that I think Danny should be the quiet and (ig technically) meaner one. There's a lot to go into about interpretations for ghosts, halfas, and the incident itself, but TL:DW; Danny is technically soulless, or at the very least missing half of his soul (altho Jamie is too just in a different direction).
Pair that with the trauma of losing his family in front of him + having his ghost half ripped out + all the trauma he would've sustained as a hero, and he's not doing too hot mentally! i think if the twins met good timeline!Danny, Danny would've mistaken Danny for Dan and Jamie for the original half.
He comes off to others as pretty apathetic and indifferent to a borderline terrifyingly calm degree. He doesn't go out of his way to insult people, but he also doesn't care enough to consider the other party's feelings so he doesn't filter himself, which makes him come off as rude. The only times he looks truly comfortable is when he's near Jamie or talking to him.
His standoffish, ice prince demeanor makes Jamie look like a saint in comparison. When really he's not all that much better? He's more outwardly emotional than Danny, whether that be positive or negative, but at the end of the day he doesn't trust or care about anyone else any more than Danny does, and he's got a bit of a sadistic streak. Danny reigns him in when he starts becoming too destructive.
(Which I think makes sense. Danny asked Vlad to rip out his ghost half specifically so he could stop feeling his human emotions. Dan, despite his monotone voice, does exhibit emotions. He's smug when he asks Valerie if he likes his ghostly wail, sardonic when he reunites with Sam and Tucker, annoyed, shocked at Danny's ghostly wail, etc. He enjoys wreaking destruction and chaos.)
(If Danny had survived his encounter with Dan and if Vlad was successful, then I imagine he'd be rather apathetic to his other half as a whole. That'd be interesting.)
Overall though they're both hurt, bitter, and distrustful of the world around them, with abandonment issues a mile wide. They can get better and they can heal, but it takes time and patience and proper support.
On the DPxDC side of things, they do genuinely hold some kind of respect or regard for Bruce. They also don't become vigilantes for a while. Neither of them are jumping at the bit to enter heroism again, not when it was heroism that killed their family in the first place.
In fact when they find out Bruce = Batman they think he's foolish for it. They think its a fool's errand, and they've been so spurned by their time as Phantom that for a few weeks, Jamie even refused to call Bruce anything but Sisyphus. Danny called him Tantalus, and the two of them had a faux-argument about which one was more accurate.
Bruce does, though, worm his way into both of their hearts, and that's like, the main reason they become vigilantes to join him. So that they could keep him safe and not because of any desire to return to the heroic life. Relearning to care and finding satisfaction in helping others was an unintentional side effect.
(Bruce is so very smug)
Essentially:
The Twins: this is our squishy and fragile adoptive father. If anything happened to him, we're becoming mass extinction events.
Bruce: Nnno.
#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc au#danny phantom#the twins au#dan phantom#batman and his no-good terrifying little bodyguards. they're both like 5'2 and weigh 90lbs soaking wet and are capable of great violence#he can scruff them both with both hands. they're like two wet cats.#bruce: these are my children Daniel and James | the twins: *emanating little orphan tom riddle energy from behind him*#danny can experience emotions btw they're just dulled(??) to an extent. he doesn't feel them as intensely as Jamie does. in some cases#he knows he should be feeling SOME kind of emotion he just doesn't. being around Jamie helps amplify them. some kind of feedback thing#Jamie is a mischief maker. enjoys wreaking subtle chaos on other people especially people of his ire. laughs at other's misfortune.#neither of them are all that sympathetic when bruce takes them in. but they dO like. like~ him when he does. in some way. they prefer him#over vlad at least. by the time they become vigilantes they genuinely care about him. if not as family then at the very least as a friend.#which means. congrats bruce! you've unlocked the [ viciously protective sons ] perk! have fun with your mini ragnaroks :)#cannot express enough that the twins DO like and respect bruce. there's a genuine care and mutual friendship/relationship there.#yeah they dont need bruce's permission (technically) to be vigilantes but with the way they're set up why WOULD they lmao.#they have no incentive to return to the hero life and in fact comma have the incentive to do the exact opposite and avoid it.#so i give them believable incentive >:]#batdad aus go brrrrrrrr#referring to dan as a 'mass extinction event' is my new favorite way to refer to him <33 bc its technically true
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please do yourself a favor and listen to david tennant malvolio reading the fake love letter to him (act 2 scene 5 of twelfth night). im going to actually start sobbing. oh my GOD
#twelfth night#malvolio#david tennant#my edits#DYING AND SCREAMING. SHAKING AND SOBBING#HOW DOES HE MANAGE TO BALANCE HOW FUCKING FUNNY THIS SCENE IS BUT ALSO PLAY IT IN SUCH A WAY#WHERE MY HEART BREAKS SO BADLY FOR HIM AND I AM ALSO SUFFERING THE WORST SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT OF MY LIFE#DAVID TENNANT MALVOLIO MY WET BEAST OF ALL TIME MYYYYYYYY PATHETIC LOSER EVERRRRRRRRRRR#I CANT TAKE THE HANDS OFF MY FACE I AM SO EMBARRASSED I FEEL SO FUCKING BAD FOR HIM PLEASE SOMEONE HELP THIS POOR MAN#THE WAY HE TRIPS AND FALLS OVER THE BOXTREE AT THE START AND ITS SOMEHOW DOWNHILL FROM THERE#th production of twelfth night i just watched (mark rylance's version) has malvolio played in such a way#where he's sort of like this doddering old fool that gets easily duped by the prank#here it's like. david really plays into how malvolio thinks he's ALL that he thinks he's soooooo so smart#and that's why he's even falling for it at all#and like this def has more basis in the text cuz maria is like Oh this loser thinks so highly of himself and thinks everyone likes him#this is going to be how my plan works#which is so so mean btw i think this woman has something wrong with her too
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started stardew valley for the first time. born to remember villager likes and dislikes forced to immediately forget it the moment i take my eyes off thw wiki
#HELP. HEEEELPP <- THE FORGETTER#i have 18 different tabs open and im pretty sure half of them are duplicates. i have not made anything past 5000G i am so cooked#rn im at summer 11 ish?? i cant remember dates in real life either jesus christ GRIPPING THE COMMUNITY CALENDAR WITH MY BARE HANDS#my ass really went into this like āill just take it easy and go into it blind so i get the newborn baby deer experience" completely ignoran#to the fact that i get anxious disappointing ppl and not having any background knowledge going into smth new. like a FOOL#also the walking speed is just slow enough to make me space out and forget where i was going and what i needed to do head in my hands#ive had to backtrack all over pelican town so many different times im in fucking adhd hell. resource management hell#im saying this like i hate it but its actually pretty fun and engaging when im not gripping my head trying to remember what i was doing#i got linus' 2 heart event and it made me whimper a little. LINUSSS LINUS I LIKE HIM. AND WILLY AND MARNIE THEYRE SO NICEYS#marnie kinda like.. reminds me of my friends mom even her face is pretty similar. shes sweet i like her. also willy calls me lad hes cool#i think im just gonna start a new save and NOT rely on the fucking mixed seed forages bc my ass was too stubborn to buy seeds#i just got sebastians 2 heart event too ughhh ive never had to work so hard for an emo boys approval. but it was satisfying#corn will fix me. its a replenishable summer-fall crop corn has to fucking fix me PLEASE#i also. made a stardew valley farmer. the one im playing as. their name is cosmo they have a backstory and everything im making#him a ref. his backstory is so fucking funny just wait#yapping#diary#puppy plays sdv
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not to project like a motherfucker on natalie berzatto but ohhhh boy the impact of a narrative that says āhey, is your desire to make sure everybody around you is okay also about you? and could that perhaps be partially a maladaptive trauma response you should look into and maybe mitigate? because if itās a genuine question thatās fine, but if the only answer you will respond well to hearing is yes thatās a You Issue Too, Babeā
#as somebody with a loud and toxic italian extended family the bear comes for my neck over and over#s3 is going even harder on that#natās pathology is gentler and less easy to spot than mikeyās or carmyās or god help us all donnaās#but it is nonetheless unhealthy and bad for her#the theme of āyou do not need to be Good And Pleasing to be worth loveā is a lot this year#related (and this will take s4 to be sure of but i have Hope) that your ability to succeed in a garbage capitalist structure defines worth#as somebody who worked in a lot of kitchens this show just feels like home#and the thing that kept jarring me about the whole letās upgrade to fine dining plan was ā¦what about the people you leave behind#and after having seen napkins now it feels like the show KNOWS THAT#tina could not be hired at the bear but being hired at the beef saved her life#god i want them to bring this home#the fact that the sandwich window is the ONLY THING MAKING MONEY feels promising#likeā¦ i want the bear (the in-world restaurant) to succeed#but also no. no i do no want it to succeed as-is.#i want the bear and the beef to blend for REAL and then succeed#or i guess fail given the general themes of the season but try on terms they can be entirely proud of!!! even if they fail!!!
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playlist or no playlist I am losing my fucking mind, by the time I get my shit together and start feeling a tiny bit alright the sun starts going down and I am plunged into despair (and this is despite living in MEXICO)
#flashbacks to the utter irrational despair of a providence winter#this is nothing in comparison but#at least I had my housemates and campus and an art building or a library to go to and work even in the snowy dead of night#now it is me just me in my apartment with my post-pandemic agoraphobia and ghost of a social life and heartache#vacillating over whether or not to get my ass out of the house and go to a cafĆ© to sit alone and work as if this were an actual problem#the actual problem is that I have been on the verge of an anxiety attack at all times and that is still not an actual problem#but I am struggling to focus and struggling to get anything done at all and there are so goddamn many things to get done#and I spent yesterday reading a pop neuroscience self-help book and taking notes like a maniac instead of working & now the sunday scaries#absolute dysfunction#nightmares every time I go to sleep#I am back to meditating and exercising and doing fucking affirmations and going to therapy and it helps it does but it's not enough#all of this awful shit from the past 10 years just flooding my subconscious day and night#and even just getting back into this thesis means facing the reasons I put it on hold in the first place and those were fucking dark days#just want to have a properly good day#just want to get this thing done and be able to focus on getting more paid work and get myself out of this hole#just need to get my entire fucking life together it's no big deal#just having a minor meltdown in the tags it's fine#it's just since the breakup & since the girls visited & for two brief moments I didn't feel alone ā everything is hitting me inside and out#and it feels like I have no right to be this much of a mess when things could be so much worse on so many levels#when it comes down to it even with everything that's happened I still know I'm lucky ā I'm alive I'm here I'm technically okay#and nevertheless
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The foxes just won another game. Neil waddles over to Andrew to celebrate using his racket cos heās so exhausted. When he gets there, he smiles at him before falling to the floor. Without a word, Andrew sits down in front of him. They both sit there silently, staring into each others eyes with their foreheads pressed together.
And thatās how the press and fans started speculating about their relationshipš
#I canāt write for shit but they have been taking up 99% of my thoughts for the past 2 weeks and#I keep imagining lil scenarios like this so thought Iād post one if idk#this is probably rlly cringe but wtvaš#HELP THEY HAVE CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY#I CANT GO 10 MINUTES WITHOUT THINKING OF THEM#AND THE BOOKS IN GENERAL#I GET HYPERFIXATIONS ALL THE TIME BUT THEY ARE RARELY AS INTENSE AS THISš#the last time it was this bad was when young royals s1 first came out and#I felt physically sick if I wasnāt watching the show#like literally#I had a shower and after it I was literally rolling round on the floor cos I felt so sick#love that#yey autism#woop woop#andreil#all for the game#andrew minyard#neil josten#andreil have taken over my life
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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my favourite writing device is having an un-Rei-liable narrator
#rei#volo#cheren#// tikposting#// character meta#the crowd booes me off the stage#forgive the pun XDDD his name is too easy to pun on#the way i write it it's not a conscious choice. it's just how the pov character (rei) experiences and contextualises the world#revealing backstory and personality and mindset through narration !!!!#not necessarily out of malice it's just. how he views things#interpreting new and foreign experiences through the lens of what came before...#conversations which read differently to different people.#in the context of rei that's stuff like unease around authority figures#always choosing his words carefully to project an image of competence (he has to be needed)#distrust and not taking things at face value but also paradoxically a fragile and nurtured sense of almost blind optimism#when it comes to friendships. like volo. (everyone turned on me when the sky turned red but it all resolved itself in the end didn't it?)#(what makes this different? / a lot of things. / i choose to believe)#volo [directly]: āi won't be stopped from my goalā rei thoughts: we can work with this!!!!#and everything with Arceus too and his divine blessings and a plan that will work out in the end#if Rei can just... figure out what part he's meant to play. interpreting events as a narrative hurtling towards some unknown conclusion#i am talking about rei here specifically but this writing device is so good in general#would be fun to try get inside volo's head. there's so much going on there i don't understand yet#quite fond of that one analysis post about how volo lacks emotional intelligence and sees relationships as transactions#not necessarily out of malice it's just how he views things. whether because of past experience or brain chemistry#also need to give a shout to cheren my guy who is an outsider pov who projects his own experiences onto new things so that he Understands#(an outsider to Hilbert and N's clash of truth and ideals. life changing experience and knowledge but felt just a little off to the left)#(the narrative repeated again with new heroes. all he can do is help them but it falls on their shoulders in the end)#(no wonder he tries to insert himself into Situations)#anyway tag ramble over feel free to also ramble to me about your takes XD#rei pokemon
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not an ask, but I saw ur post and relate a lot to it.
anticipatory grief sucks. people will tell you not to think about it, not to let it steal from today, but some days are just so hard. sometimes it feels unavoidable, like itās some goliath mountain in the distance or even the sky and you canāt not look at it. itās like you have to keep trying to distract yourself not to think about it, and itās exhausting, and youāre so fucking scared of the inevitable.
like how does anyone even function? the idea of the world continuing to spin when thereās this terrible, horrible thing that will happen some day is unfathomable but it does, and itās horrible. Some day will mark the before and the after. nobody can ever be ready for it.
I hope the love you have keeps you strong. wishing you the best.
this is literally it. i know thinking about it Now wont make the actual day it happens any easier. but it's impossible to not think about it, especially since there's no tangible way to preserve memories or feelings or the like forever. i cry easily and get emotional over most anything and everything, which is another layer of difficulty wrt it because I spiral. I want to squeeze out of my body. im not meant for any of it
#skunk mail#Anonymous#ill be in a car with my dad fighting tears thinking about how ill miss it one day and there's no way for my brain to capture the moment and#make a simulation of it. and even then that wouldnt help. ykwim#sometimes i sit in my parents room while my parents and brother are there and i cant stop thinking about when ill see them for the last tim#and how i wish i could full really truly wring every last drop of ''appreciation'' from the moment.#i think about that time isnt linear thing. how everything that has happened or will happen exists on its own#and i think about the cheye experiencing the After tragedy. and i cant handle it. not now or then. i envy the past cheye#even the one of 5 seconds ago. because that was 5 seconds ive lost. 5 seconds closer to events that will#separate my life into Before and After. over and over again#(like you said anon. i think abt that all the time too)#i think this is also why im struggling with the thought of moving out#we all have so little time. dont even get me started on the fear and grief i feel for my own life#not only fearing dying but fearing the lead up where ive lost and cried over much. just me. alone.#ill never see them again. it will never be today again. we'll never be in my parents room like today again. i cant take it.#even if i spend every last second with everybody i still wont be able to take it. i cant believe it#human beings that were all somebody's baby once. tomorrow it will be like they were never here at all. all their memories#go with them. it hurts so bad. i cant take it#i cant even breathe rn ruminating abt it *peace sign emoji*
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some1 tell me something to write/draw
#vixen rambles#i need something 2 do so i dont start eating bricks#thing abt getting told i have hashimotos is. they are Refusing to treat it.#because i have 'nothing else going on'#i am UNABLE TO WALK WITHOUT PAIN#IM NOT EVEN 20#I AM WALKING WITH A CANE DAILY#like i can tell you now. its hypothyroid arthropathy. and fuckk man all i want is to GET RID OF IT#i wnana fucking run again i wanna hike i wanna climb stairs without pain#i want to have energy again i wanna play games i wanna work i wanna live#im so sick of being called a cripple#im so sick of my entire life being classes and my room i want to be a real person again#we're trying a different doctor thurdsay to see if i can get Any kind of help. i dont care if they take the whole thyroid out#i just wanna get rid of these symptoms#MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IS EATING MY THYROID#THE THYROID IS KIND OF. A DECENTLY VITAL ORGAN. YKNOW.#'DONT SEE A REASON TO KEEP SEEING ME' LORD#GOD#sorgy. im ok#i stay winning. im batman#this will all be over in a fwe months. but GODDDD
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