#this is another form of mental illness
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hate actually giving a fuck abt side characters😭 "u just want to be different" no person willingly has made up lore abt naomi and the bible dude
#my notes app after witnessing my 35374745 essay on small content i overthought#im a muslim too and i had to read a passage of the bible to maybe understand his character better#this is another form of mental illness#bsd#bungou stray dogs#naomi tanizaki#nathaniel hawthorne#mine
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what is childe doing in bungou gay dogs😟
#finally finished reading this manga after it sat on my to read list for a couple years#a good friend finally convinced me into reading it and i buckled and read the whole thing in three days (i'm not ok <33)#anyway she neglected to tell me childe was in it otherwise i would have read it sooner!!!!!!#NO NO HEAR ME OUT#murder gingers with dead blue eyes that are part of dark antagonistic organizations and happen to be executives in said organizations#relatively similar color palette and cocky confident personalities that are instantly shed when in the heat of battle#tragic pasts where both were mercilessly tormented until salvation occurred in the form of an invitation to their respective organizations#childe has so many siblings that one of them left and infiltrated another anime#i better not see any chuuya stans @ me in the tags and be like ''stop comparing zhongli's wallet to my pookie chuuya''#i will fuck you up#i'm so sry to anyone who actually sat and read all the tags im so mentally ill abt this mf i can talk about him for hrs if given the chance#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#chuuya nakahara#nakahara chuuya#lotus draws
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lads it is mostly my fault (was sick, didn't tell healthcare until it was Dire, was sentenced to bed rest for the rest of my time at camp) that I literally can't say goodbye to these 100+ people I've come to love properly before I leave. I'm not permitted to participate in any singing, dancing, communal joy, any event that's remotely fun (that's nearly word for word what they said) here at camp. and I'm leaving EARLY, am still miserably sick, and have a four hour commute back home on top of that, because there's no one available to drive. literally cried my eyes out over everything just now and am This Close to crying my eyes out againnnnn
#not to list my woes again but today was Pretty Bad#the horrors: learned that one of the girls I'm working with is the cousin of the boy whom I was so torn up over last year (lol)#received a message from the second boy I was torn up over in the spring saying: do you want to live together? (LOL)#and was hit with the two-by-four of reality today about my own Delusions and such repeatedly over the head. over and over and over LOLLLL !#HOWEVER. the joys: tea. Bible reading time. lots of prayer. laughed a lot with my coworkers.#confided in a friend whom i know can hold secrets close. listened to another friend's voice message on loop. the rain made it not too hot.#i know joy cometh in the metaphorical morning but i wanted joy to come in the form of dancing and singing and worshipping together#and being able to tell each and every person goodbye properly and with the gravity and love they each deserve#i simply!!!!! cannae take this!!!!!! and yet I WILL :'))))))))) bear it with grace#(THAT'S dramatic)#sighhhh anyhow i'm currently mentally digging a little grave for the third disappointment in love i've experienced#since breaking up with my ex boyfriend. the ground is hard my hands are tired and the earth won't budge but i WILL dig that grave#and leave that little ill-formed ill-judged ill-managed love in it#dang i'm tired in all senses of the word!#and YET. there is still a part of me that is light and buoyant and determined to make the most of things#it is so hard to be miserable when the anneish part of you never dies.........sigh#healing girl era summer '24
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Unfinished comic that I’ve bee sitting on for literally over two years. Anyways when you and the bestie have a complex situationship that very quickly spirals into something so agonizingly one sided (unless….? 😳)
#genzen#zengen#genya shinazugawa#zenitsu agatsuma#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#dude my girlfriend and I literally went fucking insane over yesterdays episode#we genuinely have been frothing at the mouth airing for this episode to be animated for literally like five years#genzen nation this is what we’ve been waiting for.#rise up.#*crickets*#I’ve been seeing a few people on twitter talking abt them in nthis episode hopefully genze finally gets it’s just desserts#I pray to god we get more people into this ship I need it I need it in my blood I need it I my veins#my girlfriend and I were sitting there beating each other to death the entire episode they showed up on screen next to each other#we felt nothing but genuine pure unbridled insanity#anyways a bit of lore for some of our au we’ve been cookin#genya and zenitsu both mutually have a crush on tanjirou but they both know he’s way too out of their league#so they end up forming a bit of a semi codependent bond on one another for comfort and helping each other through various other aspects#of extreme mental illness 💀#they both also end up developing feelings for one another but genya is too stubborn to admit that he could ever like zenitsu#zenitsu is more open to the idea of being romantically attracted to genya#he oftentimes tries to do things under the guise of their preestablished situationship#but it’s really him pretending that he and genya are doing things together like a genuine couple#and he ends up getting his feelings hurt every time bc genya ultimately rejects the idea of it being anything beyond platonic
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hii can you please draw applebees/davesol/soldave/honeycrisp... they are my lifefurce....
Heeeeey anon
Sorry that this legit took so long to get to but this one and another actually stumped me a bit! But lets go ahead and talk some Honeycrisp!
It's funny but as I'm starting to go through ships, I actually find that Sollux is surprisingly moldable to ship with in most quadrants with any character with just a few characters that I think it's pretty obvi he'd be one way or another with them. Dave is one that I can actually see these two being an all-around deal. I think it's actually extremely easy to see either of them together in a red, pale, or pitch manner. Personal opinion though, I think I could see them shift from pitch to pale. However, I do understand the idea of them in red! Trying to go down a little bit of the more romantic route, Dave can somehow get Sollux to be pretty talkative when working if he says the right things. Both of them are pretty tall so there is a pretty frequent amount of them coming up behind the other and attempting to use them like an armrest just for the hell of it. Sollux's constant amount of electronic-like noises from his powers is actually fuel and used snippets in some of Dave's music. I see them being somewhat private about affections towards one another mostly because they don't feel like its anybodys business to glimpse into those parts from the outside of their lives. They're really casual about it though.
#art#digital art#homestuck#davesol#soldave#dave strider#sollux captor#i also got a davekatsol one i gotta do which is kind of giving me a struggle mentally as to how i would see the three of them being#im trying to dig into researching ships i dont really have opinions on or arent familiar with so I CAN form an opinion about them#kind of see what others see and how i can understand it#i did see a lot of mention though actually about how sollux and dave dont ever really interact much??? if at all??? which is shocking#i kind of dug around and yeah i didn't really find anything so i had to go off thoughts and a few fics#i think they should though because having a one-on-one convo with one another i would see being really funny#but yeah sorry this took forever anon and other anon i swear ill get to the davekatsol once i figure it out#davesol personally i see being just really annoying to one another before mellowing out and being decently chill to one another#maybe seeing them in a pale quadrant is a slight stretch but i can see it enough that i can agree with it
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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#very random (not snz) haha but#does anyone else feel like their social battery fluctuates like. 0 to 100 with no middle ground or is this perhaps something wrong with me#i will go for weeks without having the social energy to talk to people i love and treasure 😭#maybe it's a lack of dopamine in general idk... would not be thrilled to add another mental illness to the list#but then i'll have a night where i am super talkative and happily reply to half the people i've been talking to#or times when i send off all my responses and sit at my laptop like when are my friends going to reply 🙂 i can't wait to talk to them 🙂#i apologize if you have personally been on the receiving end of my extreme inconsistency 😭#i have been thinking about it recently and i think that's in part the reason why i also gravitate towards long form conversations;#it feels mentally easier for me to deliver a meaningful response once in a blue moon than like sustain that level of#conversational depth on a more consistent basis? because i am inconsistent#but sometimes in the long wait between responses (which i have arguably played a large role in establishing) i feel unexpectedly social and#then feel strangely lonely 😭 (🤡)... truly i feel like i am lowkey a badly adjusted adult#this is not a catastrophizing post (though i did catastrophize slightly more over it in past weeks); just passive musings atp#i go through similar flows with artistic motivation but the highs and lows are not synced with my social energy at all#i think i am someone who likes to analyze my habits just as a whole because i really enjoy optimizing for things 😭 so this tendency in#particular really perplexes me#delete later perhaps because i know this is truly a yap post. (i apologize)#i met with a friend earlier irl and this might be the remnants of the social energy from seeing her or it might be a function of#the drink i had (strawberry matcha 🥰) if you have read this far i apologize personally
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I genuinely can’t fathom how you pump out such quality writing in so little time like omgg
thank you, i have the worst sleep schedule you could ever possibly imagine❤️
#theres a lot of ways i could answer this but this is.. hm. the least concerning??#like saltburn very literally triggered me into a manic episode and writing is how i cope??#performance enhancing drugs (ADHD medication)#over a decade of experience???#all true but so is the sleep schedule thing and thats Snappy#im also addicted to validation thats another reason#if i don't write the stories get stuck in my head and build up and make me sick??? still true#the worms have joined forces with my mental illness and formed a saltburn based union?? hm#it shouts back
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New character idea: multiclass bard that everyone else thinks is just a really good actor/jack of all trades type character but they're actually a system and each of their different classes is one of their alters :) could also be fun as a changeling so their appearance changes to reflect who's fronting!
#tbh disabilities are underrepresented in media but theres so much you can do with them#like imagine a character that has did because they were possessed as a child and the trauma from that caused them to form more alters#but with another soul possessing them their alters wound up coming from the child and the spirit#so now theyre just kinda stuck together bc they cant figure out how to separate one from another anymore#maybe a person developed schizophrenia after being exposed to another plane#and they dont quite know if theyre hallucinating or seeing through the veil#necrotic damage leading to chronic pain#psychic damage resulting in chronic migraines#mobility aids for fantasy races!#a tiefling struggling with balance after losing their tail!#psionic therapy!#putting disabilities in your work can add so much fun worldbuilding!#dnd ideas#mental illness#disability#disability pride month
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Someone i know is talking to some weird ass dude which is like ok yeah congrats you're both fucking insane and probably playing mind games with each other (based on what i know of this situation) congrats BUT what's bugging me is that the dude said he's got a "satanic need to dominate and humiliate" and based on what i've heard they both want to bring heaven on earth or something etc etc so the way he uses the word "satanic" there is a bit 🫠
#it all depends on what you do with that want and need#how you use it#it's not inherently bad and 'satanic'#not a 'sin'#anyway its quite hard to form a picture of this man when all i know comes through another person who has a very different way of seeing#everything and very mentally ill and odd#i'm basically this person's diary nowadays so i get to know a lot of stuff but like#first of all they're obsessed with each other the person calls him their soulmate (while another person is their eternal love and twin flam#so yeah ok it just seems like a combo that im glad i dont have to be part of i just get to know things
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I'm not a mean person, l swear I'm not, but when l see any type of post or content calling a male character from Greek mythology 'bad'... l can't help myself but rant in my head (...and maybe in the hashtags...) and one of these days I'm going to go insane
#Okay rant time baby#I was on Tik tok#And a video was like “Beauty was a curse in ancient Greece... I wonder if young girls were afraid of swans beacuse of Zeus 🥺”#and then another video of the SAME creator replying to a comment who said “Hera and Zeus' marriage is between two consenting adults#But hades and persephone's is not“ (which is true no hate to that guy)#but the creator made a whole ass video like#No you see Zeus and Demeter were married but when they had Persephone she left him and went to the mortal realm#cause she didnt feel safe with her brothers#then Zeus tried to Hera but she didnt want him so Zeus turned into bird bc Hera loved animals and took care of them#Zeus pretended to be injured and Hera believed it because shes a STUPID BITCH#I mean! She was young and naive so she hugged the bird and Zeus transformed into his normal form and violated her#So than Hera was soooo humiliated she had to marry Zeus! Is wasnt her choice!#and l was like#huh???#the whole time#idk abt this#might be just me#but treating greek gods like humand is weird to me#like debating about their sexuality#gving them mental illnesses and trauma and hving headcanons#is kinda weird...#am l saying dont do it? No#but acting like theyre some famouse characters from a series is kinda... idk?#weird? Abnormal? Disrespectful?#idk#just stop treating them like that#its weird#anyways my rant ends here#greek mythology#ancient greek mythology
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i am really starting to understand the term mental illness. like, ive been on antidepressants since i was 13, obviously there is a problem with my brain. but in the past it was explosive, crushing, an active external force making me feel like shit. episodes. right now, i just feel sick. im tired all the time, i can't sleep and when i do sleep for days, my appetite is gone, and every time i try to dig myself out of this hole and fix things i have panic attacks. i know, logically, that i am away from home for the first time, that i am taking a difficult courseload and burned myself out, that i missed several days of my antidepressants and stimulants and that likely triggered this saga, that i have not seen a therapist in six months, that i haven't talked to my friends in weeks and haven't seen them in person in months, and all of these on their own could cause this. but i cannot help but feel as if i just suddenly went from being a normal, if rather heavily medicated person, to suffering from some sort of malady. it's all horribly physical in a way it's never been.
#like. not physical exhaustion#i have felt fatigue from illness before and this is not it. its all mental. i am just not used to this form of mental illness.#... I don't want to have to start ANOTHER medication. sick of it. probably just need to get back into therapy.#might be time to raise my antidepressant dosage again but i was accidentally taking the next dosage for a bit#and it fucking SUUUUCKED i had such bad heartburn all the time which i used to only get if i took my meds laying down
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to be quite honest i have given up on trying to put a label on any of my mental problems besides autism. welcome to my twisted mind
#transmission#my mental issues are actually a special new thing that they havent put in the dsm yet. 💜#seriously though i will be like.of course being online for my entire formative years didnt give me OCD thinking patterns#and then ill be like i CAN'T make another animatic with just my white OCs because if i do then people are gonna call me racist for ignoring#my characters of colour#and it's like. ok. most people aren't thinking like that i dont think
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It saddens me a little, I think, to see ppl imply writing a character with something like a martyr complex or anything else of that sort means that the character must be a worse person inherently or care less about the things they say/do and the ppl around them.
#kinda referring to Kyle but any characters rly#I’ve seen ppl make the take that the good he’s done is somehow disingenuous or that he doesn’t care about other ppl bc of it#and that’s… nasty to me. that’s not what a martyr complex id#dgmw martyr complex’s are toxic and they can revolve around a sense of ego or a need to be victimized#but it’s a lot more complicated than just ‘oh actually they did this good thing all for themselves’ or that it controls their life#and isn’t something they actively work against#it’s just another form of mental illness and it doesn’t deserve to be demonized in characters or real ppl#me talking
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many thoughts rushin thru my brain
#i am. im having uni thoughts#specifically drop out of uni thoughts#and i have these thoughts every year its true but usually at the end of the semester not the start#i am just. burned out from study i think#i have been in school of some form every semester since i was 5 years old that is Twenty Years of non stop schooling#and i am Tired#like i wanna drop out and work full time im enjoying my job a lot#but my doctor and gym membership are both thru school and so theyre free and so. if i stop. i have to start paying#which is doable if i work full time probably i just. its a lot and its a big deal#ive contacted the student advisors for an appointment and ill talk to my dad since hes the one that funded my studies#i wish i could just like. do One Class and not have it connected to a degree u know#enough to be enrolled and do some work but not so overwhelming#bc my current degree is one that i dont think can be done part time#so idk#its too late to withdraw and get my money back that deadline passed last week#its just very. im overwhelmed and i can not do 9h of uni on a Wednesday right after 3 days in a row of working#i could do another work day no problem but uni is a struggle bc it takes so much mental work#i don't know gang idk what imma do i will wait and see what the academic advisors say#in the mean time i have elected not to go to any of my wednesday classes i dont have the energy#i might go to my cinema studies class this afternoon i enjoy movie watching
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deadass i’m about to ghost my therapist and np. you can take your meds and shove them up your ass and you can take your words and give them to someone who actually wants them.
#rambles#seriously just FUCK OFF#leave me the fuck alone#all you fucking do is tell me how happy i look#when i’ve literally spent 22 fucking years masking every form of mental illness i have#just to appease you fucking people#you wanna call me delusional and tell me all the ways i’m not succeeding in life?#maybe i’ll just fucking od and be found dead on the side of the road#who the fuck knows#maybe i’ll just become another fucking statistic#maybe that’ll make you happy you stupid fuck#bpd#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bipolar#ocd#depression#generalized anxiety disorder#social anxiety#whatever the fuck else
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