#it’s just another form of mental illness and it doesn’t deserve to be demonized in characters or real ppl
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It saddens me a little, I think, to see ppl imply writing a character with something like a martyr complex or anything else of that sort means that the character must be a worse person inherently or care less about the things they say/do and the ppl around them.
#kinda referring to Kyle but any characters rly#I’ve seen ppl make the take that the good he’s done is somehow disingenuous or that he doesn’t care about other ppl bc of it#and that’s… nasty to me. that’s not what a martyr complex id#dgmw martyr complex’s are toxic and they can revolve around a sense of ego or a need to be victimized#but it’s a lot more complicated than just ‘oh actually they did this good thing all for themselves’ or that it controls their life#and isn’t something they actively work against#it’s just another form of mental illness and it doesn’t deserve to be demonized in characters or real ppl#me talking
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♡ — pairing: kazutora x reader
♡ — summary: after a long day at work, you want nothing but to spend a calm night with your boyfriend. however, you have no idea this is the night were all his demons finally get the best of him.
♡ — tags/warnings: female reader, angst, breakups, hurt feelings everywhere, mention on mental illnesses and nightmares, based on ben platt’s song ‘carefully’, mention of tora’s job in one of the future timelines.
♡ — a/n: i enjoyed writing kazutora so. damn. much. also, i’m quite proud of this one and the small details i added~ thank you @ofoceansandtombstones for being my lovely beta <3
♡ — masterlist
And all this time you've had a gentle way of holding me
So could you please release me that way too?
— “carefully” by Ben Platt
“It’s open, come in!”
The first thing Kazutora sees when he opens the door of your apartment is you, kneeling on the kitchen floor and picking up pieces of a broken baking dish. Red sauce has splattered everywhere and his mind betrays him for a second, imagining an accident far worse than what has truly happened. He blinks twice and starts to notice the small details that finally slow down the fast beating of his heart. There are pieces of chicken breasts next to the open oven door and what he thinks are sliced carrots next to your right knee.
You hiss when you pick up a piece of the shattered glass, the sharp end pinching your finger. Kazutora comes back to his senses, widening his eyes as he realizes he’s just been standing there.
“Hey, let me. You’ll cut yourself,” he warns, walking up to you. Grabbing both your hands, he eases you into your feet and then guides you to the living room. “I’ll take care of it,” he promises as he goes back to the kitchen and starts cleaning up the mess.
You let yourself fall on the sofa with a loud thud and let out an exasperated sigh.
“I just had the most awful day,” you whine, taking off your apron and leaving it on the arm of the sofa. “Work was hell, I got scolded by something that I didn’t do— like always, only this time my boss was all like: ‘You gotta be more careful, we wouldn’t want to lose such a valuable employee’. Like he was going to fire me over someone else’s mistake?!”
Your voice is getting louder by the minute and you take advantage of the fact Kazutora is in another room to keep the volume. You have been waiting the entire day to see him and vent about what a trainwreck you day had been. Just as always, he listens intently, the only noise coming from the kitchen being a soft scraping sound as he picks up everything and throws it to the trash.
“Then, I went to the store and of course they had run out of basil. Tell me, how does a store that big run out of basil?” you ask. There’s no answer from the kitchen so you continue. “I mean, yeah, I could have gone to another store but my feet were killing me. I’m just not meant to work in heels the entire day,” you sigh tiredly, swinging your feet.
You reposition yourself, now sitting cross-legged on the sofa. Putting your right hand on your left shoulder, you stretch your neck, feeling your sore muscles releasing a bit of tension with a small ‘pop’.
“I ended up preparing something entirely different than I had planned for dinner. I tried to let it go but just as I was going to put it in the oven, it slipped my hands and—”
“I think we should break up.”
Words die in your lips the moment you listen to your boyfriend speak. The silence becomes loud and abrasive as you struggle to understand what was happening. Why was Kazutora breaking up with you with such a small voice? What had triggered him to come to that conclusion? Why had he decided to bring it up now? You turn your head to the kitchen door and watch him slowly make his way towards you, doubtful steps as he takes a seat on the other side of the sofa, avoiding your eyes at all costs.
“What?” you ask, your voice hoarse. His lips form a tight line and you see him swallowing nervously.
“I’m not doing okay— haven’t been for a while. I— it’s been two years since I left prison and I still haven’t— I don’t— I don’t know what I’m doing,” he explains, looking down at his hands.
You nod slowly, trying to comprehend where he’s coming from. Turning your body towards him, you take a deep breath before speaking.
“It’s okay not to know,” you assure him in a soft voice. “Just… take it slow. One day at a time and then I’m sure you’ll—”
“I haven’t been sleeping well,” Kazutora confesses and you notice his voice wavering a little. “I— I keep having nightmares about— about that day and— and also about the motorcycle shop. Those two mix up and…” he takes one of his hands to the side of his head, his fingers grazing his temple. “And I’m hitting Baji in the head. And there’s so much blood— so, so much blood and—”
Leaning forward, you take his hands. They’re shaking and extremely cold and you rub your thumb over his knuckles, trying your best to soothe him.
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe now, Tora, you’re—”
Kazutora pulls his hands away hastily, leaving a tingling sensation on your palms.
“I can’t!” he says as he shakes his head. You spend a moment looking at your empty hands, never before having felt your boyfriend’s rejection. “I feel like I’m drowning and— You know what? I think relationships just aren’t for me,” he shrugs, his hands moving in exaggerated gestures. “That’s why I never cared for dating, never got myself involved in that kind of shit, not until—”
He finally looks at you and, fuck, you wish he didn’t. You’re not sure if you have the strength to deal with such hurtful discourse. You lick your lips and take yet another deep breath, deciding to ignore his hurtful remark.
“I’m… so sorry you’re feeling this way,” you say, slowing down your words, trying your best not to show how hurt you were. This isn’t him, you tell yourself. So no need for that tightness in your throat. “But you have to understand it’s not because of me. It’s because of everything that you’ve gone through and how hard it’s to deal with them. I don’t blame you, it is hard. But this… us,” you gesture to the both of you. “This is a good thing. Despite all the pain and hurt we’ve both been through, we—”
“Please, stop,” he says, raising his hand and pressing his eyelids together. “I can’t be with you anymore. That’s it, that’s all—”
“So you don’t love me anymore?” you counter. You scoff in disbelief, shaking your head. Kazutora’s eyes shoot open and you notice his pupils shaking in fear, like a deer caught in headlights.
“I love you,” he breathes out, and for a moment you see the boy you fell in love with in his amber eyes that are quickly filling with tears. “I do love you but it’s killing me. I feel like I’m dying,” he chokes out. He looks away from you once more and starts tugging at his fingers. “I’m rotting inside and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I just want it to stop. I want it to stop and— I don’t want you around when I’m like this. I want to figure out what the hell is happening and—”
“But if you love me and I love you then why—”
“I’m not happy with you!”
Kazutora widens his eyes, scared by his loud outburst. He parts his lips, silently muttering nonsense as he tries to come up with words that can make it better. You lower your head and he wants to punch himself over it. He doesn’t want to make you cry, not after everything you’ve done for him. Is he really going to be the person that hurt the one that made a home for him in her embrace? Is he going to hurt the only person that was brave enough to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul?
“I’m…” he babbles, in a soft voice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
You snort. “No, you really did mean it, Tora.”
He can sense the hurt and sadness in your voice, even if now you’re the one that won’t look at him. He watches helplessly as you stand up and walk towards the living room window in complete silence. The apron you took off is still on the couch and the vast memories of all the times he embraced you while you were wearing it quickly fill his mind.
He wishes there was a way he could keep you. But no matter how much he wants to, he knows there really is no other way. He’s thought about this countless times. He has gone to work without getting proper sleep, stared at his blank tv screen for hours on end, trying to come up with a plan where he could keep you. Was staying with the person he loved the most too much to ask?
No matter in how many shades of light or with how much care he handled the memory of you, the only way he could spare you the greatest amount of pain was to leave you— even if he knew he’d end up shattering your heart as well.
Kazutora notices the way your fingers tightly close around the edge of the window, your knuckles turning white. He had come to terms that he’d lose you today, yet he never expected for it to be this way. It doesn’t matter, he tells himself. If hating him would mend your wounds faster, then he’d take it. Anything that would make the heartache he was causing you a little bit lighter. He knew you were the last person on Earth that deserved to go to bed carrying that much pain in her soul.
Looking out the window, you focus on a small girl walking her dog on the street. It’s a brown labrador and by the size of it, it’s barely a puppy. Rather than walk, it jumps on its four legs, his little head looking back at the girl every chance he has as he happily wags his tail. The pet shop Kazutora and Chifuyu work at immediately comes to mind. Would it be like this from now on? Small things eliciting memories of your days together without your consent and leaving a sour taste in your mouth?
You will need to find a new commute, you think, as you had been stopping by the pet shop on your way home for the past year. Is there another bus that you could take? As you try to remember the lines and their respective routes, you’re engulfed by the memory of the first time Kazutora dozed off with his head resting on your shoulder as you rode the bus together. You close your eyes and you can clearly see his peaceful expression and slightly parted lips as he slept, his fingers tightly intertwined with yours. His breathing is slow and his hands are cold and you wish you could go back, even for a minute and place a kiss on top of his head, since you wouldn’t be able to do so from now on.
Where exactly had you failed? You had just been complaining about your day when he dropped the bomb. Did you complain too much? Did you talk too much? Or was it you the one that was too much? You tried your best and supported him as much as you could but as it turns out, it hadn’t been enough. Good intentions were nothing but useless as you were now saying goodbye to the man you had loved the most.
You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt Kazutora’s cold knuckles against your cheek, wiping your tears. You gasp, startled by his touch and take a couple steps back until your back hits the wall. It takes a few seconds for him to bring his hand now, unsure on what to do next.
He looks so scared and small— it fills your heart with frustration. Your whole body is screaming to take a step forward and comfort him, cradle him in your arms like so many times before, assure him he’s safe with you and that he doesn’t have to worry anymore. That, if you can still go home to each other at the end of a bad day, you can take anything life throws at you.
But that’s the thing. You’re not each other’s home anymore. You don’t get to bury your face in his neck and hum happily when his perfume reaches your nose. You don’t get to have him take a nap on your lap as you watch a series or feel his lips ghost against yours seconds before colliding in a kiss.
You hate it.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking down at his feet. “Please, don’t cry.”
“You know what, Kazutora?” you say, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. You taste venom in your words, yet that doesn’t stop you. “If you’re not happy with me, then what are you doing here?”
He flinches at your words. Biting his inner cheek, he nods, still incapable of holding your gaze.
“Yeah, okay,” he mutters. “I’ll go. I really am sorry.”
Kazutora turns on his heel, walking towards the door. Maybe it’s the way you know he’s not coming back this time that makes your desperation afloat. You don’t want him to go and you also know you can’t make him stay. And even if somehow you could find a way to keep him by your side, it would be worthless.
He’s just not happy with you.
“Are you happy somewhere else, though?” you ask, your words leaving your mouth before your head has time to process them. He stumbles on his feet and stops. “Because if you just can’t manage to be happy, then it’s not on me.”
Kazutora doesn’t have to turn for you to know he’s second guessing himself. The next seconds feel like years as he just stands there, mid-way to the front door, thoughts so messy and loud you can almost hear them.
“That doesn’t matter,” he finally says with his back to you. He closes his fists and you see his shoulders rising and falling as he takes a deep breath. “This way you don’t have to deal with... with the mess I am and—”
“Oh, please, I knew what I was getting into when I started dating an ex-convict.”
The weight of your words fall onto you the moment they leave your mouth. You squeeze your eyes shut, muttering a curse. It takes no time for you to walk towards Kazutora, standing between him and the door.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Tora, I didn’t— you know I didn’t mean it that way. Fuck, I’m so sorry,” you whimper, tears flowing free down your cheeks. Your wave your shaky hands, desperate to make your point across. “I just wanted to say I knew things would be difficult but I loved you— I love you and I—”
Kazutora shakes his head, a gentle yet sad smile on his face as he takes your hands in his. He holds them in front of his chest, squeezing them gently as they don’t stop trembling.
“Stop, it’s okay,” he assures you. “That’s what I am.”
“It’s not,” you protest. “I mean— yeah, but you’re more than that. You’re so much more than that. You’re caring, you’re noble— you’re so tender with the animals at your shop. You’re so sweet with me, always checking if I’ve eaten and offering to help me out if I have chores I need to do. You always come pick me up if I’m working late. You— you’re so fucking special to me.”
Kazutora’s lips form a tight line. “I wish I could see that,” he whispers.
“Then just— let me try. Let me try until you can look at yourself the way I do,” you almost beg. You let go of the hold he has on your hands to gently cradle his face. “I’ll do anything, but... don’t patronize me. I’m not a little girl. Whatever life throws at me, I’ve always been able to handle it. No— we’ll handle it. Together. Like it’s always been, you and me, I just— please, I don’t want you to go,” you cry. “We were going to be happy together, you were going to live with me and I’d give you half my drawers and half my closet and half… half everything. Please, don’t go. Don’t go, Tora.”
The sadness in his amber eyes only confirms what you’ve been fearing this whole time. You sob, your thumbs softly stroking his cheeks as you feel the world crumbling around you. This time, he doesn’t stop you, letting you cry as you hold his face, coming to terms with the fact he’s really leaving after all.
Your hands move to his hair, gently threading your fingers across his long, dark locks. Tracing the outline of his face, you push one of the dyed streaks away, only for it to fall back right where it was before. You can’t help the small smile that forms on your lips. He’s so pretty, you think, as the pads of your fingers gently caress his face. Your thumb grazes the space between his bottom lip and his chin and you dream of a world when he’s not saying goodbye, but rather falling asleep under your touch on your shared bed. You never knew loving someone as much as you loved him was possible-- yet the way your heart was crumbling in pieces was evidence of how much your soul was aching by being separated from the person it belonged to.
Sniffling, you rub your cheek against your shoulder to wipe your tears. You swallow before raising another question.
“Is this a… temporary thing? Or for good?” Your voice comes out in a whisper as you place down your hands on his shoulders.
“I don’t know,” he answers. He wants nothing more than to put his arms around your body like so many times before, but he’s aware that it will only make things more difficult. “But I don’t want to keep you waiting in vain. You should move on.”
Kazutora realizes how much he hates the idea as it leaves his lips. The idea of you starting over with someone else rots in his tongue. He doesn’t want you to hold anyone’s face the way you were just holding his. He wants to keep you all to himself, to go to endless visits to the grocery shop, to watch you fall asleep during movie night and then pretend you didn’t, to massage your hands as you tell him about his day.
But you don’t deserve the guck that’s forming inside his mind. He knows it’s only a matter of time before it comes out pouring and reaches you. And he’ll be damned if he lets himself ruin the one good thing he’s had in his life for many years. He promised to himself he wouldn’t let his ill state of mind touch his loved ones. Never again.
He watches you nod and feels his heart shattering, even if everything is going just the way he intended. You rub his shoulders and look into his eyes, a sad smile on the pretty lips he would never get to kiss again.
“Okay,” you sigh. “We’ll end this but… when you leave, never doubt how loved you were. No— how loved you are. I don’t know what is coming for either of us but… I do know a part of my heart will always belong to you, no matter who I hold hands with. I will always love you, Tora.”
Your words are enough to finally break him. Kazutora clutches your body tightly against him as he loudly sobs against your shoulder. You hold him, tears flowing free once again as you try and soothe the man you love, leaving small kisses on the side of his head and whispering soft reassurances that it’s okay. It’s not, you tell yourself. It’s never going to be okay. But it has to be.
Carefully, you move him back to the sofa, helping him sit down while he refuses to let go of his hold on your body. You lean on the back pillows, both your arms cradling him while he whimpers like a small child. Kazutora clutches the fabric of your sweater with desperation, wishing there was a way he could stay with you.
Why does he have to give up the person that had put a smile back on his face? He can’t quite remember a time when his stomach had hurt out of laughter before he ever met you. Or when he’d experienced such peace as the night he stayed at your apartment and got to see your sleeping face first thing in the morning. He’s never loved anyone as much as he loves you and, for all he knows, he may never love like this again.
But he could never risk tainting you. He would never be able to forgive himself.
Kazutora softly pulls away from your embrace. His eyes are blotchy and red and you’re sure yours look the same or even worse. His nose is red, like it always does when he cries. It’s endearing, you think. Everything about him, from his hair, to his eyes, his hands— you’ve come to love every part of Kazutora. And that’s exactly why it’s so hard to let him go.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he says in a whisper, resting the side of his head on the back pillows of the sofa.
“Like what?” you ask, gently pushing his hair away from his face and behind his ear.
“Like I matter to you. Like I’m making a huge mistake.”
You take a deep breath. Imitating him, you rest your head on the back pillows as well, so you’re both facing each other.
“I don’t— I don’t fully understand what you’re going through,” you admit, your eyes locked on his. “But if you need to… get away, then you should. You’ve been nothing but loving to me. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy, whether it’s with me or not. You deserve to fully experience all the beautiful things life has to offer.”
Silent tears fall from both your cheeks and his.
“I should be thankful I got to love you for this whole year. Because even if it ends this way… God, I loved you so much,” you sniffle, letting out a small laugh. “And I felt so loved. Isn’t that magical in itself? That we got to love each other at the same time?” you wonder with a sad smile.
Kazutora parts his lips, yet the doorbell interrupts him before he can even speak. You look at the front door, your eyebrows furrowing for a moment before you realize who’s probably there.
“Food’s here,” you say, wiping the tears from your face.
“Food?” Kazutora asks, confused.
“Yeah,” you sigh. “Didn’t I tell you? The baking dish broke so I called that restaurant, the one with the burgers we like.”
“Sorry. I wasn’t really listening back then,” he admits with a pang of guilt. He sits up on the couch and turns his head at you. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”
You sit up as well. “I ordered for the two of us. C’mon, stay for dinner. Let’s… remember us this way, okay? Without so many tears and sadness,” you offer, tilting your head towards him. “I even ordered your favourite one.”
Kazutora rubs his face with his sleeve, erasing the trail of the tears he just shed. Looking at you, he nods, drawing a small smile on his lips.
“Okay. I’ll get it.”
He only walks a few steps towards the door before he feels you tugging at the back of his shirt. Turning around, he notices you’re standing right behind him. Your eyes look up to him, biting your bottom lip and not even a ghost of the smile you previously offered him.
“Before that, uh— I want you to know I… I mean it,” you firmly say, taking in all his facial features, loving how they soften every time he looks at you. “I’ll always love you. No matter how many years go by or if I ever stop being in love with you— I’ll still love you.”
“I’ll always love you too,” he replies, taking your hand and squeezing it softly. “I don’t think I could stop even if I wanted to.”
You finally let out a soft chuckle and squeeze his hand back. The doorbell rings again and you walk around Kazutora to get to it. This time, he’s the one that stops you, not letting go of the hold of your hand. Looking back at him, you notice the soft pout in his lips and how they softly tremble, looming more tears.
“It’s okay,” you assure him, and you know you’re saying it to yourself as well. “Who knows, we might get together again someday. Have our own Casablanca moment. We’ll always have the pet shop,” you joke, trying to fight back to tears that threaten to fill your eyes as well.
It’s Kazutora’s turn to chuckle, only this time he does it along with you. You let go of his hand only to hold his face tenderly, a soft smile as you look at the man you love. Standing on your tiptoes, you press your lips against the beauty mark under his right eye. You feel his hands setting on the small of your back and watch his smile widen when you fall back on your heels.
Locking your fingers with him once more, you open the door.
#tokyo revengers x reader#tokrev x reader#tr x reader#kazutora x reader#hanemiya kazutora x reader#kazutora hanemiya x reader#kazutora hanemiya#hanemiya kazutora#tokyo revengers#kazutora angst#tokyo revengers angst#kazutora x you#kazutora x y/n#hanemiya kazutora x you#hanemiya kazutora x y/n
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Diavolo- True Form
Whoooooooo weeeee! ‘Pologies for the wait on these longer posts. I’ve been hit with a one two punch of house emergencies and sudden costly ass repairs, so my creative juices have been rightly squashed as of late.
Plus side I got my drawing tablet and drafting table back so I can neaten up my blog lay out now (yay!)
Anyway this one was a challenge in the best possible ways. I really like Diavolo because of how little we know about him so it gave me some wiggle room. Or at least what I know of him- im only on like chapter 23 of the stories. Idk if I did him justice as this is angsty af but I sure had a blast writing it!
Hope ya like! Next up: Beelzebub
Trigger warning: Mention of blood, and swearing.
Diavolo-
He'll never show you, so don't ask. His true form is god-like in its own right and such knowledge, such truly raw demonic power in its natural form is not for your mortal eyes.
No matter what your lineage, it would break you. And despite his roles and being the literal devil, he doesn’t want you suffering.
Sometimes when he thinks you wouldn't notice he relaxes his hold on reality, just a fraction. He wants to relieve some of the tension that is always building just below the surface. Like closing your eyes when you have a tension headache. The mental energy he has to exert to keep face is enormous. Regular glamour doesn’t work nearly as well as his own, or Barbato’s magic.
But you see hints during your downtime spent in his company. A ripple in his reflection on the window pane. Unexplainable shadows dancing across his exposed skin. Too many teeth in his mouth when he laughs. Sometimes when you stare into his eyes you see something indescribable staring back behind them. His usually warm and inviting gaze darkening. A barest flicker, a hulking bestial thing kept locked behind in his golden gaze. It's enough to freeze the blood in your veins.
On certain nights when you can slip away from the brothers you stay in his room. Lying awake, you watch his magic wane and shift as he slumbers. Sometimes you see runes, or at times letters. You are tempted to write them down and ask Solomon. But something stops you each time.
The worst images are the faces. Unknown souls trapped beneath his flesh clawing to be freed. Silent screams fading back into his body as he dreams. Your fragile fingers trace the patterns they leave as you wait for the next day wrapped in his embrace.
Only once have you seen more of his form then he would ever wish. The depths of his strength and mental fortitude were unknown to you so the slip up took you both by surprise. He masks the error well, but the sudden shift in energy in the room couldn’t be suppressed .
You are suddenly so aware of the oppressive weight of gravity on your frame. Your bones grinding together under the force of his aura. You panic, desperate by the need to breathe, but are unable to draw even the smallest bit of oxygen as it is robbed from the room. Time and reality wrapped too, distorting in ways only you thought only Barbatos could do. You knew in that moment the sudden dread of death, how mortally was but a rusty shackle tethering you down.
He collects himself, dispelling the energy and locking his glamour down tight to protect you. But that split second of fury felt like an eternity to you as you sink to the floor. You hiccup a shaky sob and shiver. Your fragile human mind bowing under the strain of what it cannot comprehend. Scolding hot tears fall from your cheeks, before splashing crimson the stone below you.
You didn't approach him again for over a month. No matter how strong you are, some things were better off unseen.
Mini Fic
He didn’t know. For once in his ancient pitiful existence, he had been unaware of his surroundings. It had been for just a moment, one tiny crack in his veneer. The foolishness of Mammon and Belphegor’s actions finally poked the right nerve. He wouldn’t hurt them, for Lucifer’s sake. That prideful demon would never forgive him if he did. But he could scare them. A quick look at his true self; a flash of the deepest bowels of hell. Enough to give them a reminder of their positions and standing in his court. He had expected their whimpers of fear, could taste the acidic tinge of it exuding from their pores. What he didn’t expect though was your blood curdling screams alongside.
Ironically, he would have to thank the second eldest later. His fast thinking is the only thing that saved you from complete damnation. His body shielded yours, taking the brunt of the stronger daemons hellish might for you. What little magic Mammon still had left used to protect you. Though, while your vision was blocked, you could still feel his oppressive presence. It racked your mortal flesh. Diavolo knew what affects his power had on humans. He spent years breaking and consuming damned souls with zeal after all.
The brothers had run from him after that, screaming for Simone. Barbatos following close behind, a look of consternation on his usually impassive face. You had been so limp in Mammon's arms. Diavolo could do nothing, shocked by his own weak will and realization that he might have ruined everything. You had been whisked away so quickly by his faithful servant and the brothers that he hadn’t had a chance to look you over himself. But the brief moment he saw will haunt him for years to come. Your eyes red from the sudden haemolacria, the blood staining your clothes and face. Your fingers digging away at your soft skin, black and purple blotches staining what he could see. Mouth opened wide on a silent scream. He knew what you must have seen. The souls of the damned trapped under his glamour breaking free to latch on to your unmarred soul trying to drag you back with them.
Against his butler's advice he stands at your door now days later trying to see you. He couldn’t sit around and just hear updates second hand. The brothers had been keeping guard most days in a valiant attempt to keep him away. But he could only be waylaid for so long before he used his rank against them.
He had arranged a full council meeting. Every one of the brothers knowing full well it was to get them out of his way. Yet, the order was absolute. This time none of the brothers could reject it. Barbatos would keep them in that room for eternity if he so wished for it. He hated using his age and power against them, but he saw no other way to get to you.
It was foolish now, standing as he was in front of your door. A part of him hoping you would turn the knob and let him in. Let him comfort you for once, instead of the asinine distractions the brothers offered. He could help too. Hells, he wanted to. He wanted to be closer to you. Power discrepancy be damned. The other part of him knowing it was for the best that you didn’t. Your guardian and tormentor all in one. He listens to your muffled sobs for a moment fighting with his feet to stay cemented to the floor instead of heading back in defeat.
"When my father was still around he took me down to the deepest depths of the kingdom. Where the worst of the traitors and sinners are imprisoned." His deep baritone rumbles through your door during a break in your crying. "It’s a place few seldom go; even now I have yet to return. Back then he told me ‘there will never be a human soul that is undeserving of punishment. Even the ones destined for the celestial realm are tethered to sin.’ At that time I believed him. The things I saw in your realm... " The prince chuckles wearily.
He remembers the ever present scowl on the old King's face. His dark eyes looking out at the sea of damned souls he controlled. Even as a young daemon, fresh into his wings and still sharpening his horns to impress others he could tell how much his father detested his position. How it had warped him, turning him bitter and cold, even to his mate and only child.
Diavolo never wanted to be like that. Not to the ones he supposedly cared for at the very least. "I think that is why he hated the other realms so much.” He continued. “Humans, for their ability to choose which realm they would eventually end up in after they pass. That even the worst sinners could find redemption enough at the last moment to get to the pearly gates. While daemons, no matter how well they served, or the duties they did for the good of their own would never be seen as equals to our celestial counterparts or yours. That this existence is all we'll ever be destined to have. Nightmares and monsters, stories to tell little human children to keep them in line.” He pauses, collecting himself. “I believed wholeheartedly that every human deserved the punishments only my kind could dowel out. But, in this past year I have spent with you, I find myself changing. You are so undeserving of such torment. Somehow you are understanding and forgiving beyond measure to us. You handle our ill tempers with such grace. For daemons such as us, it is staggering, and humbling. I regret that I have hurt you so deeply and have broken your trust. I swear it as the head of this realm I would never intentionally do so." He looks at the door handle willing it to open. " I am so sorry."
Your crying picks up again. Huge heaving sobs that rattle your chest. Great Father, he just keeps making it worse. Clearing his head Diavolo turns.
Rejection of this nature was new to him. No one had ever dared to ignore him, especially such as this. The royal in him- his father's blood- seethed that he would even stoop so low as to grovel to a short lived thing like yourself. Even deeper yet, it demanded another taste of your essences. You little soul kept safe behind your rib cage. He wanted it added to his collection, kept tucked away deep within his maws.
It was sick; it was wrong. He chokes on the idea. The intrusive thought burrowing deep. How deplorable was he? Perhaps the angels were right to keep him out of heaven.
You didn't show to class the following day, or the days after. Unsurprising to him and the seven of the inner council. He figured the other day wouldn’t change anything. But it was utter agony to him. These days trapped in his office only getting short and curt updates on your health from Lucifer. It had been a special kind of torment.
Today he sat once again at his desk staring at some godforsaken bitching of a royal cousin. He knew this whelp. Some backwater thrice removed eons ago. Yet he was demanding an audience? The gall. The ink of their eligible handwriting makes him cross eyed. Would this day ever cease? He looks to his hourglass, the sands within seemingly frozen in time.
"My Lord, perhaps you should take a moment to stretch your legs?" Barbatos moved from his corner. Gloved hand coming to rest on top of the same three lines he had been reading for the past two hours. "This work could wait another evening I’m certain ."
"Did I do the right thing my friend?" Diavolo doesn't even bother answering the question his servant posed. They both knew he wouldn't. "This program. Our human exchange students. Solomon is one thing, but-"
"Your will and path is absolute." Barbatos states. "There are no mistakes within you, merely stumblings onto different paths."
With a gentle push Barbatos moves the hulking demon out of his way to collect and organize the scrolls and letters scattered about the large desk. "You made the right choice bringing them here. Look at what they have done. They are entertainment to you are they not?"
The prince rose knocking his desk aside and descended on his butler. His true form out in all its unholy glory now. His highly condensed magic distorting the study as if he was a black hole. The axis of the room shifts. His priceless collection of books and toys disintegrating from the cold radiation he emits.
It was all for show really. There was nothing he could do to an ancient being such as Barbatos. So he lashed out, throwing a tantrum in the security of his office. The hopeless agitation he felt fueling the flames of his rage. His butler had only added holy water to his already festering wounds.
Barbatos had been by his side for time in memoriam. The crafty bastard had helped raise him. Had shaped him into the ruler he was today. If anyone could break and remold him it would be his oldest companion.
The dark haired daemon waited for the waves of agitation to dry up. Moving only when the prince was in his more presentable demonic form. Large barrel chest heaving as he reined himself in. “Are you back to your senses?” He asks coolly, already categorizing the items to replace and furniture to be mended.
"I had not meant for it to go like this." Diavolo croaks into his hands collapsing back on what remained of his desk. Building a bridge between realms, yes. That noble idea was the greater purpose of this program, but the rest of it. The classes, and dances. The parties where he threw his newest toys about to see how they would react to things other mortals worshiped? That had been for his own curiosity and amusement. Lesser beings navigating a foreign world blind to the dangers that were right under their very nose. Bring a mortal with no magic into his realm? Deep down he knew this was an inevitability. Especially with the freedoms he granted them. He just didn’t think he would get so attached.
“No one believes that you would hurt them on purpose.” His butler cuts off his downward spiral. “It would ruin the program. That is what you are so stressed about, right?” Barbatos eyes him skeptically. Diavolo, himself, and Lucifer had spent many sleepless weeks constructing and negotiating this program. If the Arch Angels heard a mortal was hurt down here it could very well end this little escapade. But the look in the prince’s eyes told a different story.
A warm glow emanated from his cheeks and he was unable to meet the old daemon’s gaze. Ah. "Or perhaps things have changed?" Barbatos smiles coyly up from beneath his bangs. "You are your mother's son after all. Neither of you were ever able to stem your bleeding hearts for long." Diavolo squawked indignantly but didn’t argue. Instead he merely turns a darker shade of red and curses under his breath.
He skipped out on court that evening. Not that he cared much. The other nobles would no doubt use the time to gossip about his whereabouts and uncouth behavior of late. Truth be told, he was avoiding the brothers more than anything else. They had made it expressly clear (some more then others) how they felt about him currently. He wouldn't doubt that Belphegor had a few more brothers on his side now.
Instead he stood at your door once more with a tea tray in hand. He had bumped into Simone on the way. The angel had come to bring you dinner and to check up on the last of your wounds. Celestial magic worked miracles on those who have been touched by the darker arts. Diavolo was grateful for his talents. And, by some miracle, Simone had made it abundantly clear he was not going to bring this to the higher ups on his end either.
Upon seeing the prince slinking up the house's stairwell the other man had simply smiled and offered him the tray. “I suddenly got a message from Luke. Could you perhaps drop this by our friend’s door?” Diavolo had accepted without preamble, large hands dwarfing the platter of little tea cakes and sandwiches. The young cherubs work no doubt. His cooking was a fine treat, and a great incentive to at least open the door.
“Hello again.” He knocks twice. “I just wanted to check in on you. I know I am the last person you wish to see but I was hoping to talk?” Silence greets him. Were you awake? He breathes deeply and focuses on picking up your vitals. You were up, your heart thumping steady somewhere in the room. That was good. “I also have dinner for you. Simone had an urgent matter to attend to so he- for better or worse- entrusted this to me.”
Diavolo searches hopelessly for something else to say. He couldn’t just leave the food and go. He needed to see you. “I don’t plan on staying long today. I understand when I am not wanted, but I cannot help myself but be worried for you. Perhaps this is just me contritioning, because I know I caused this. The amount of times I have been called a ‘ass’ by Solomon over this have been staggering.” He rambles. After another bout of silence from your end he coincides. “I see- I will leave the food by the door and let you rest.” Defeated he puts the food down and turns to leave.
The door clicks open slowly. One bloodshot eye peeking through the crack. “Oh mio piccolo mortale.” He loses his grip on your shared tongue at a loss. You looked- you must have been in the hall longer then he or the brothers had known. Such damage couldn’t be done in a few moments. Your skin was healing as nicely as Lucifer had said, but the deep purple scarring still remained on the surface. The burn pattern of it all was random. Twisting wounds that reflected an oily sheen from the light of the hallway. “I-.”
“I know-” You cut him off with a raised hand. “and I feel as though I owe you an apology too.” Your voice was so weak and shaky. A mockery of your normally strong and jovial tone. Hearing you laugh at school had brightened the dreary halls. He hadn’t realized it until you weren't there.
“You owe me nothing.” Diavolo says in earnest. He watches you contemplate your next words before throwing whatever you were going to say away.
“Would you like to come in?” Your eyes drop to the tray. “Luke always makes more than I can eat.”
“I don’t think that would be wise.” He backs out. All his plans crashing and burning around his feet. His actions had been irreparable.
“Perhaps not,” You open the door wider taking the tray and heading to your side table, leaving him no room to argue. “But then again, being a lamb among such wolves as yourself and the brothers isn’t smart either.” You meant it as a joke but he couldn’t even muster a chuckle. It was true. Gods. “Dia-” You approach him again but falter at the last second.
As much as you wanted to be close to him again the memories were still so fresh in your mind. The cold hell fire of his magic ensnaring you, searing your skin. The whispered words of sinners long since past still echoing in your head, all in languages you’ve never heard before. The worst though had to be the screaming. Lost souls begging for help. Some sounded so familiar…You shutter involuntarily.
You wanted to hate him for this. Curse him for putting you through this pain. But how much could you blame him? Or any of them? They were daemons. Whether he meant to hurt you or not, it truly had only been a matter of time before it happened. It would be hypocritical of you to fear or hate him forever over this. Six of the seven brothers have threatened your life before, and you have forgiven them. Hell, one of them actually killed you. What’s more was that Diavolo’s wrath hadn’t even been directed at you.
Wrong place at the right time; seemed to be your forte. “Please, come in.” You repeat again firmer than before mustering up either courage or sheer human stupidity to order him in. You couldn’t tell the difference anymore. “We need to talk.”
He enters, following at your heel like a lost puppy. All air of princedom gone as you clicked the door shut. Diavolo fiddles with his hands, old habits from childhood coming with his nerves. He didn’t know what to expect anymore. Yelling? Some kind of beratement? A plea to go home and never look back? He would let you.
You pass by him, giving him a large berth of space to get to your seat. “Tea?”
Diavolo jerks his head to you. He had forgotten momentarily the plate of food he had used to get access to you. You smile sheepishly pushing it and a plate of sweets towards him with your unbandaged knuckles. He doesn’t move till your hand retracts back to your lap. You jerk your head to the open seat waiting for him. You weren’t going to take no for an answer.
“I- thank you.” The daemon sits making himself as small as possible in the straight back chair. He takes the porcelain and drinks mindlessly. The scalding hot tea doing little to help the tightness of his throat, but it did thaw some of the ice in his mind.
“Are-how…” He fumbles so unsure of what to do next. “I see you’ve been keeping up with your school work.” Diavolo closes his eyes, wincing internally at his words. That’s what he comes up with? Idiotic.
You smile anyway, eyeing the massive pile of books and paperwork spewn about your bed. “Yeah. I’ve taken to doing my school work with Levi in his room. Mammon and Beel are nice enough to drop it off to the teachers when they are due.” He nods. He knew this of course. But it was nice to hear it from you. But yet, you don’t meet his eyes. Far too afraid to see what hid behind them.
The thought of being dragged back into those dark depths again makes your pulse quicken. You instead stare at your nail beds, finding them more interesting. They were purple now. The nails stained black by the contact with his magic. “Will- will that go away?” He asks. Demonic curses or taints were nigh impossible to remove fully. Disgustingly, he hoped they didn’t. Then your nails would match his. The darker depths of his soul coo at the idea, happy that in a small way every daemon would know your his. Not as good as a pact, but as close as he could get to being a part of your little mortal life.
“I’m not sure.” You reply honestly bringing your hands up to place them on the table. “Simone and Solomon have done what they could. But, it is as good as it’s going to get for now. They say it could fade with time.” You look up at him, eyes gazing to the left of his face. “Luke thinks I should see a stronger angel.” Diavolo winces, the thought stung, and terrified him. “I told him no.”
That surprised him. This was your chance. The celestial realm had been skeptical from the beginning. If they knew, it would be a perfect caveat for them to step in. “Why?” Finally you look at him. The fear was still there. Hesitation evident in your eyes. Yet you forced yourself to look at him, fighting through your trepidation.
“Did you mean what you said earlier? About your father and what you think of me?”
“Of course.” He replies without hesitation reaching for your cold hands. You flinch but don’t move away. It felt-nice. His warmth chasing away the perpetual chill that covered your fingertips. Idly you stroke his strong hands with your thumbs.
“Then, I think we can work on this privately.” Slowly but surely you felt like you could fix this. Not for the program, but for yourself.
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Branded - Chapter 37
Pairing: Demon!Bucky Barnes x Reader
Summary: Time runs out.
(This is a fan AU of Falling’s Just Another Way to Fly by araniaart . Please check out this incredible series for all of your demon Bucky needs.)
Chapter Warnings: Heavy angst, whump, grief
AO3
Acceptance finally came, but brought with it no relief.
The hours ticked by, each one stealing another moment less you had with Bucky. It was like waiting on death row, but there would be no stay of execution. You were really going to lose him.
That thought was almost as terrifying as the reality that you would be cut off from him. You’d gotten so used to the bond you didn’t know what life would be like without it. Worst of all, you had no guarantee you’d feel the same about Bucky after the link was severed.
Would you still feel the same way about him? Would you still love him? And if you didn’t, was it even love in the first place?
No clock, not even the magical ones that surely existed in this placed, granted you mercy and slowed their procession. All you could do was hold onto Bucky, stroke his demonic arm and his wings, touch him and kiss him and remind yourself he was still here, right here, and he wasn’t gone yet.
As much as you wanted otherwise, you kept your clothes on and kept the touching innocent, even if your kisses grew more heated and desperate. He didn’t want to go, you realized from how tightly he clung to you in return. He didn’t want to leave you in the slightest. You didn’t know if that made it better or worse.
The sun rose and neither of you bothered to get out of bed. You had nowhere else you wanted to be. Monster had dry food that would last him for days, along with a pet drinking fountain. Your mom would start to worry from your lack of texts, but she’d survive. You weren’t so sure about yourself.
When Bucky spoke, his voice was hoarse from disuse, and you were half-asleep curled in his arms.
“I’m giving you the keys to my place.”
You blinked open your eyes, frowning and wondering if you’d heard right.
“What?”
“I want you to stay there.” He brushed his thumb across the side of your jaw, lips touching your hair. “I know it’s a big place, but at least you won’t have to pay rent. It’s a good location, great view, and you’ll be safe. Strange has anti-dark magic wards all over the place. Apparently, it keeps beings with ill-intent from being able to step over the threshold. I’m sure your little monster will love it.”
He spoke your name in a soft question when his words were met with silence. You shook your head and gripped his jacket tightly again. Why did he have to make this so difficult by being so damn perfect?
“I’m just…” You sniffed and swallowed. “I’m just going to house-sit for you until… until Strange finds a better solution.”
Bucky said your name again.
“And then you’ll be back and everything will be, will be the same. Waiting for you. Because you’re coming back.” You fought to control the quivering of your voice, made no easier by his gentle touches. “I have to believe that, Bucky. I have to have hope, or I can’t… I can’t make it through this.”
“You will,” he reassured you with a squeeze. “You’re so damn strong and you’re going to be fine, no matter what happens.”
You were quiet for a moment, and eventually asked in a small voice, “What am I going to tell Mom?”
Bucky didn’t have an answer. It was probably for the best, because your heart was breaking all over again, and you cried into his arms until you didn’t have any tears left to shed.
It was noon before the two of you got out of bed. You hadn’t slept at all except for a moment or two of light dozing. Bucky insisted you eat something. A tray of food had appeared, you didn’t know from where, and you managed to stomach some crackers and pieces of fruit. You did it more to ease Bucky’s worries and to get him to eat too.
Before the appointed hour of doom, you sought out Strange for that stay-of-execution yourself. You pled with Wong to grant you an audience with Strange, and when he prepared to shoot you down, you said, “I spoke to the Ancient One.”
It was all you had to say. You’d expected Wong to treat you like you were delusional, but his expression grew serious as he looked between you and Bucky, and finally said, “Come with me. Now. Not you, Barnes. Just her.”
Bucky grimaced, but you gave him a weak smile.
“Back before you know it.”
He eyed your smile doubtfully; Bucky knew the reason you wanted to speak to Strange, but that wasn’t going to deter you from doing everything in your power to change their minds.
You told Strange everything about the memory. About witnessing the Winter Soldier’s death, about joining and interacting with him in the memory of the demon realm, and finally, of passively watching everything that came after. Only when the Ancient One had noticed your presence that you could finally distinguish between your consciousness and Bucky’s.
Your hope was that Strange would see just how intertwined you and Bucky were, and that freezing Bucky was a cruel idea.
Unfortunately, he seemed to come to the opposite conclusion.
“Sergeant Barnes should have come to me as soon as he broke his oath,” Strange said, fingers steepled from where he sat behind his desk. “He could have easily killed you, or worse, caused you to lose yourself. It’s apparent this bond goes far deeper than it should, and it is a danger to your wellbeing.”
“But,” you stammered, digging your fingers into the hem of your sweater, “the Ancient One helped Bucky. She trusted him. She knew he wasn’t—“
“Dangerous?” Strange interrupted, brow raised. “Of course she did. It was why she made the bargain to begin with: freedom without feeding. The cryo-chamber is not a punishment; Barnes cannot deny his nature any more than a shark sensing blood in the water. He’s driven by deep instinctual urges that he can’t control, not while he’s bonded to you. If he were a free demon, that would be one thing. The formula would work and he could live without feeding, or if you both decided, the feeding could be consensual. But since this pact was formed, even unintentionally, the bond between you is irresistible and deadly.”
Strange rose to his feet, rearranging his cape.
“This is for his sake as much as it’s for yours.”
“And what if you’re wrong!” you cried, panic clawing at your throat. “What if the Ancient One was talking about this moment when she said I had to make a choice! A choice that would affect us both!”
Strange shook his head as he rounded his desk to face you.
“Whatever she saw, whatever her reasons for giving you that bit of advice? It doesn’t apply to this moment simply because you wish it to. And besides, she said it would be your choice. The decision to put Barnes into stasis is mine, not yours. You have no control in this matter, so I doubt that’s what she was referring to.”
“But—“ You tried again, but he raised a hand and you fell silent. His expression was not unkind, and that was perhaps the worst thing of all. He really did believe he was helping you and Bucky.
“We will, of course, look for unexplored avenues of binding magic. There’s no guarantee we will find an answer, and if we do, it could take years. You should prepare yourself for the possibility that this is the best we can do.” Strange met your eye and his face softened. “I truly am sorry.”
That was it, then. There was no hope. You were numb again when you returned to Bucky. He wasn’t alone.
“Hi.”
One of the most recognizable and famous people on the planet extended his hand to shake yours. Old-fashioned manners died hard, you supposed.
“I’m Steve,” he said, his smile reserved but charming.
It was a true testament to your mental state that you didn’t even blink. Shaking hands with Captain America did very little to break you out of your numb distress.
“I’m sorry you two have to meet like this,” Bucky said, shuffling slightly on his feet. “You both deserve better.”
“Don’t worry about it, Buck.” The tall, blond man clapped a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “I’m just glad you reached out to me. I wished we had more time to talk, to catch up, but… it’s more than I had before.”
It seemed Steve Rogers had gotten used to living in the future; he was wearing fairly ordinary jeans, boots, and a riding jacket. He looked even more gallant and heroic than in the videos.
And still, you stared at him with all the personality of a rock. Bucky noticed.
“Hey, Steve. Give us a minute, okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” Rogers gave you a small, almost shy smile before ducking out of the room. Even through your numbness, you could acknowledge how weird this was. Bucky contacting his best-friend-slash-previous-boyfriend so that he could check in on his current-girlfriend-slash-human-slave while he was put in a fridge.
It would have been really funny if not for the horrifying fact you only had two hours left.
Bucky was about to speak, but whatever it was died on his lips as you launched forward and wrapped your arms around his middle, burying your face in his shoulder.
He returned the gesture, lightly rubbing your back.
“I appreciate you trying, sweetheart, but… this is for the best.”
“It’s not,” you said, sniffling into his jacket. “It’s a mistake, and I’m the only one who sees it.”
Bucky said nothing but he did continue to stroke your back. Maybe there was some part of him that agreed with you, that didn’t want to leave.
When you asked him that very question, Bucky pulled back and said, “Of course I don’t want to leave.”
You bit your lip to keep from barking out then don’t! Instead, you said, “Will you stay with me until…”
“Yeah,” he said, quiet. “Yeah, of course.”
Bucky left for only a few minutes to talk to Rogers, telling him what you had no idea, and then he returned to find you moping on the couch. He picked you up and sat down, sitting you in his lap and wrapping his arms tight around you. Resting your head on his shoulder, you curled up in his limbs as much as possible, happy when he dropped his guise. He’d kept it up when Steve had been present. You could guess why, and it made your heart ache to know Bucky still had so much shame over what he was.
It was silent between you; there wasn’t anything left to say that couldn’t be expressed in the small, desperate, meaningful touches. Two hours had never gone by so quickly.
Bucky led you through the hallways, and the warm, ruddy decorations had never felt so cold and distant. Rogers was waiting outside a closed door, one that looked vaguely familiar. And it should. This was the room where Davin had been freed of the heigore.
The stone altar was gone, and in its place, a massive sarcophagus-like object. It stood open, tendrils of fog curling from its glowing interior as Strange, Wong, and several other sorcerers stood around it.
You wanted to grab Bucky and drag him out of there, away from such an evil-looking instrument. They were going to put him in that thing? It looked like a stone coffin, or an Iron Maiden, or any number of torture devices.
But you didn’t do any of those things. This was hard enough for Bucky, unimaginably so, and you weren’t going to make it more difficult by causing a scene.
Instead, you squeezed his hand and clung to his outstretched fingers until the two sorcerers that now reminded you of prison guards led him away to the thing that would trap him inside.
You hadn’t even said goodbye. You’d thought your actions over the past few hours had been enough to convey what you felt, but what if it wasn’t? What if Bucky was frozen without ever knowing what he meant to you?
You took a step forward, but a large hand clamped down on your shoulder. It wasn’t harsh but it was firm, and it pulled you back a step. You glared over your shoulder, and Rogers gave you a pitying look.
You almost shook him off, suddenly angry at the Avenger, but you let the hand stay where it was, turning back to Bucky with your heart in your throat. He was turned around now, facing you as the sorcerers helped him step back into the shadow of the chamber. He hadn’t had a choice about keeping his guise down today, and his wings were tucked into the shell on his back as his tail wrapped tightly around his leg.
The heavy iron door closed with a finality that stopped your heart. Pneumatic hisses and an intensified humming filled the room.
You could see Bucky’s face through the oval window of the door. White fog blew from his mouth, steaming up the glass, but it didn’t cover up the fact he was scared. It was in the widening of his eyes and the quick pace of his breathing. Too fast and shallow.
You tried to take another step forward, but Rogers wouldn’t let you. You wanted to jerk away, scream at him to do something! That was his best friend in there and Rogers was an Avenger, for fuck’s sake! Couldn’t he stop this?!
But Rogers only stared at the iron coffin that held Bucky, his expression pained, even if he did hide it well behind a stern mask.
Strange stepped forward, expression equally somber. He drew his palm in a circle in the air, and a series of concentric glowing circles appeared on the side of the chamber. He tapped them with his fingers, almost as if he were working a machine panel.
All at once, the window went almost completely opaque as it was covered with ice, and at the same moment, agony shot through your chest like a freezing steel blade.
Doubling over, unable to draw air, you would have collapsed if not for Roger’s arms around your waist. The sound escaping you didn’t sound human. It was a wounded animal, dying in agony.
Your veins were fire and your lungs filled with ice. You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, someone was squeezing your heart in their fist, and with a vicious wrench, tore it out.
Even as Rogers pulled you back out of the room, as the sorcerers surged forward with concerned expressions, you clawed weakly at the air, reaching out for the machine where your heart was contained, and was forced to leave it behind.
Next Chapter
#branded#demon!bucky barnes#demon!bucky x reader#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes fanfiction#my fanfiction#my writing#i'm writing each of you an apology letter as we speak
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Am I the only one who gets annoyed whenever representation of violent mentally ill characters is treated as inherently bad rep? Like. No mental illness makes someone *inherently* violent, but violent mentally ill people aren't *bad* mentally ill people. Look at me. I'm mentally ill. I have violent thoughts/tendencies, I lash out, I'm unstable. Mental illness is ugly and unpredictable. Stop watering it down.
This isn't to say you should make every mentally ill character violent and horrible, don't misconstrue this as that. But in saying that violent mentally ill characters are always bad rep, you are implying that violent mentally ill people are *bad* mentally ill people. I'm not bad or undeserving of help and compassion due to something I have very limited control of.
The characters I create for my shitty RPs are how I create an outlet for myself. I've gotten comments about how they're too edgy, too dark, hard to interact with. That's valid enough criticism, but I don't think that realism should be sacrificed just to make people more comfortable. Mental illness is uncomfortable. It's often scary. That should not be shyed away from.
The rest of this is going to be an infodump about my main OC, Zach. I do not think he's a perfect character or even a perfect portrayal of mental illness. But I want to provide an example of violent mental illness taken from both my own experiences, and from what I've seen of other people's struggles with mental illness. All you need to know about Zach from here on is that he's a non-human species. He's essentially a sapient animal, an omnivorous species at that, which will give a bit more context.
Zach is a victim of abuse, first and foremost. From a very young age he was beaten, insulted, and yelled at. The only parental figure in his life was his aunt, and she ended up dying trying to protect him and the rest of his pack from hunters.
From a very young age, Zach learned two things. That violence is an outlet for pain, and that everyone else is out to hurt him.
He displayed sadistic tendencies at a young age. It's the only way he knew how to cope with his anger, resentment, and trauma. What made him feel alive was inflicting that suffering on other people. In the moment, he got such a high from it that it was addictive. It was like a drug. He'd feel amazing for a brief moment, and then afterwards, feel worse than he did before.
Zach isn't heartless. He doesn't like the fact that he enjoys hurting people. Deep down is a vulnerable and emotionally immature soul who craves to be loved and yet sees himself as wholly unlovable to the point of not even trying to get better. The more he believes he's a monster, the more he actually becomes one. The only way he knows how to feel much of anything is through pain. The rest of his life blurs together. Aimless, meaningless, empty, nothing. He's nothing. He only feels truly alive when he is either being hurt, or hurting another.
He believes that without another person, he's broken. Incomplete. He craves love and intimacy to such an obsessive degree that he's willing to stay with someone who doesn't love him for as long as he can delude himself that they do. He thought a relationship would fix him. It never does. If anything it made him worse.
He eventually succumbed further to the idea that he was unlovable. He stopped valuing and respecting himself. He'd fuck anything that would allow him. He mistakes sexual desirability and sex itself as love. In some ways, it's the only form of love he can understand.
This is a man(?) who kills people for a high. He's a hedonistic serial killer. His coping mechanism became a morbid curiosity, then a fetish, then an obsession. He can't stop. He isn't killing for food anymore. He is not expressing normal predator instincts anymore. And that is solely a result of the mental illness and trauma he endured.
Zach is "bad" rep. He's violent, he's cruel, he's often selfish. And yet this is the reality for a lot of mentally ill people, especially ones with personality disorders (like what Zach has, if you didn't catch on). Deep down inside, if I didn't have any impulse control or humanity, this is me. This is my rawest expression of how I feel and my emotions, even if Zach isn't a direct self-insert. I'm extremely attached to him. He's an extension of myself -- he's not the same as me, but he is an outlet for me. Because having this amount of anger and violence inside of you when you're not actually that kind of person is terrifying.
And he's also partially based on my mother, who has borderline personality. She isn't heartless either, but she has hurt me. Many times over. Especially verbally. Creating Zach is actually what helped me learn about and better understand BPD. I can understand why my mom acts the way she does. And at the same time I can vent my frustrations through Zach and his violent fantasies and anger. He's completely impulsive and with very little restraint, and that's comforting.
I doubt I'm alone in this either, using fictional outlets to vent things we could never actually bring ourselves to do. It's cathartic to enact that in fiction. So to be told that that's bad, just because it portrays mental illness as bad, hurts. Mental illness is not a GOOD thing. Mental illness does not inherently make one a worse person, but it is not a good thing. Mental illness is bad. You can acknowledge that while still being accepting.
I am not a "bad" mentally ill person. Violent mentally ill characters are not inherently bad rep. You can acknowledge that mental illness =/= violence without completely demonizing mentally ill people/characters who have violent thoughts or tendencies. Zach is a bad person. Maybe deep down I'm a bad person too. But I think I still deserve love. Everyone does. Even my emotional support serial killer furry.
#this is probably rambly and makes zero sense bc im very tired#i wanted to write about ''bad'' mental illness but also infodump about my ocs at the same time so take this mess#reblogs and addons are totally cool idc#personal#tw abuse
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Hello! I have always believed that Michael needed better doctors and good treatment. He was simply billed as "Evil". Sometimes I think that at that time they were unaware or ignorant of mental illness, and that is why Michael did not recover. I wish it had been treated better. I would like to know your opinion about it ;v;
Oh, absolutely. Michael is a very tragic character, and what happened to him was almost entirely Loomis’ fault, secondarily the system and his parents’, and like onyl 0.8% his own. It’s true that mental health aid has historically been really bad in most places, and even today treatment and acceptance—even in specifically medical settings—tend to be abysmal. Of course people knew less than they do now about how psychological stuff works, but bias, cruelty, and superstition as well as a system that enables and even to degrees outright encourages that is to blame for the awful treatment people woth mental illnesses and personality disorders faced and continue to face, not just a lack of knowledge, and the history is really heavy and awful to look over. : ( It’s horrific some of the things doctors have done and do to people just trying to get help.
Like, in Michael’s case, we’ve had a name and understanding of psychosis since the 1800s. Canonically, by the time the poor kid was six years old, he was hearing voices telling him to do bad things to people. He told his parents, seeking help, and they did nothing to help him—just told him it was his imagination—despite knowing hos grandfather had suffered the same symptoms. If they had only taken him seriously and given him therapy and possibly medication too, Judith never would have died. (I am not goong to say it every time, but all this information is official canon) Michael’s reason for killing his family members is wanting the vocies talking to him to be quiet, because it’s agonizing. If you’ve ever had intrusive thoughts (stuff like “pull into oncoming traffic” or “break that and see what happens” and such that don’t actually compell or force you to do it at all, and are always things you as a person deeply do not want to do, but nevertheless are really annoying or distressing to hear in your head), imagine that cranked up to 1000, endless and constant, but from voices that seem to come from around you instead of in your head. Especially as a young child, with no understanding what is happening to you, this would be incredibly scary and distressing—doubly so when dismissed by your parents, whose sole job is supposed to be to love and protect you.
The voices say they’ll be quiet if Michael kills Judith, so Halloween night, he does. Important to note here Michael is recently six years old at the time, which developmental psych literally is not old enough to have a complete understanding what death itself is, let alone complex morality. You /cannot/ be evil at six, you simply don’t have a complex enough understanding of right and wrong or of consequence to /be/ evil. Also at this age, usually kids see death as a vague concept, but one that applies to people they don’t know only, not to them and their loved ones. In Halloween 1978, immediately after stabbing Judith, Michael looks away while he keeps doing it, and his breathing speeds up in a scared way. He barely looks at the body, and immediately goes down stairs to wait for his parents—probably for them to fix it—and does nothing to flee or hide what he’s done. He looks traumatized when they take his mask off. (Lots of little notes here like that Judith when she sees him seems annoyed but not very, and when he attacks her, tries to shield herself and call to him to stop, rather than fleeing or fighting back, which [appealing instead of fight or flight] is pretty exclusively something you only would use if attcked by someone you are on good terms with—I mean, Michael is six—if Judith had /tried/ to fight back, no way she would have died—so there’s less than nothing to indicate they had anything but a loving familial sibling relationship. But if I list all these I’m gonna launch into my six page Michael Myers meta so I will speed through the rest.)
Anyway! Sorry, I have many feelings. About...everything. Including Michael for sure. So, immediately after killing Judith, Michael stops talking. He also shows other psychosis and trauma readily recognized side effects, like catatonia, slowed movement. In Halloween 1978c Dr. Loomis claims he tried to treat Michael for eight years, then spent another seven trying to keep him locked up because he realized he was evil. This is a /blatant/ lie, as in film canon Loomis, by Michael’s review hearing I believe four months in? Six or less for sure, I believe it is four. Loomis has /already/ become convinced Michael is a demon in human form, faking his symptoms, and itching to kill again. The other doctors think Loomis is crazy, as does the other doctor who examines Michael, but they’re awful people so they let him stay Michael’s doctor anyway, even though they refuse to move him to Litchfield maximum security. By this time only a few months in, Loomis is canonically also threatening the six year old in his care and constantly telling him he is an evil being who wants to get out and terrorize again. (Also, I will die enraged the sentance Michael gets for killing Judith is to remain locked in solitary in a sanitorium for /15/ years, until he turns 21, at which point he will be tried as an adult for murder??? The fuck?? You CANNOT charge a 6 year old’s crime in adult court! ‘Tried as an adult’ is meant for like, when a 17 year old dismembers their family and eats them! It’s for particularly heinous crimes, committed by someone /very/ close to being legally an adult, and that /only/. The idea of waiting fifteen years to try someone as an adult for something done at age six is laughable and sick).
Okay this is already long, I get carried away rip. Uhhh, anyway, yeah. In Smith’s Grove, Michael is visited by mom and Laurie once, then never sees any of his family again, because his dad hates him and forbids the others—finds out because Laurie is four and talks that they went /one/ time, and physically beats four year old Laurie for mentioning his name until she trauma blocks out ever having had a brother. From then on, Michael spends /fifteen/ years and all the dest of his developmental stages of childhood in a sanitorium with Dr. Loomis—a man who on wild religious superstition grounds assumes by his own admission /on sight/ that Michael is evil, and no other human contact. According to canon, Michael spends at least four hours of /every/ day with Loomis, his /only/ human contact, who threatens him, promises to stop him, and endlessly barrages him with “You’re evil, you’re not human, you want to kill again, I /will/ stop you,” and nothing else. He also canonically keeps Michael overdosed on a type of antipsychotic that, while a fine drug if used normally, if overdosed can deeply worsen symptoms, and can cause permanent brain damage.
Honestly, if a six year old is exposed yo major trauma, none of their issues are explained, legitimized, or believed, and almost all of their developmental stage is spent with endless voices they don’t know the cause of suggesting murder and violence, one human being and authority figure telling them over and over and over for fifteen years with no other constant in their life or human contact period that they are a demon in human form who wants to kill and is /going/ to do so again...? How else was that story ever going to end? I’ve said it before, but that’s beyond conditioning; it’s lab growing a human child to one day walk out and murder Laurie Strode with a large kitchen knife.
I stand by Halloween is a greek tragedy more than a slasher, and Michael and Laurie are both victims. He’s the Asterios, she’s the Ariadne. Loomis the Minos, the real villain. (Or the Poseidon choose your poison).
Anyway, I 100% agree! If he had just gotten help from his parents, Judith would have never died. If he’d had good doctors, none of the events of 1978 would have come to pass, or anything after it. Loomis single-handedly causes the deaths in 1978 himself through years of cruelty, and bigoted bias towards a small child in his care who needed his help, not his abuse, but he chose to break as much as he possibly could despite his responsibilities as a doctor, an adult, and a human.
If you’re interested, I did a canon-deep-dive character study short story on Michael on AO3! Halloween is such a sad story but it’s fascinating. God, poor Michael and Laurie deserved so much better than they got. It’s a testament to Michael’s character that even after 15 years of Dr. Loomis, he really only kills his intented target(s) in search of quiet from the voices, and anyone who sees him/would be a threat, and not other people. Makes no attempt to kill any of the kids in Halloween 2018, and only kills Bob when he literally opens the door to his hiding spot and Michael is found and Bob becomes a threat to him. In H20, after Michael has had 20 years on his own, you get arguably the least brutal Michael, who intentionally passes on killing the mother and child, and the security guard he walks right past, because they don’t see him and thus he doesn’t /have/ to. Halloween II is less intentionally avoiding, but even then he still does the same multiple times too, like with the old lady making a sandwich, or the scene in the incubator room. Anyway he desevered better fuck Loomis all my homies hate Loomis.
#ask#anonymous#michael myers#halloween#halloween 1978#halloween II#Halloween H20#Halloween 2018#note: Michael is written /very/ differenly in the different timelines. different writers took complrtely dofferent approaches to hin as a#person. and his motives. so unless I state otherwise I am always talking exclusively about the version of Michael from the H20. 2018. & DbD#timelines. since those are all largely the same character. unlike the 3-4 RZ and resusrection or the novelization etc#they’re seperate universes w different canons. i am only really interedted in core/OG canon and its offshoots#its /direct/ offshoots haha#laurie strode#sam loomis#Isolation (fic)#Isolation#meta#michael myers meta#long post#me: I am not gonna do the six page breakdown ima do an overview#me: doesn’t do the six pages but damn well doesn’t do the short version either#i can’t help it you found an intense passion topic
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Hi guys, 👋 i just wanted to make a post about something that i feel is about to happen on the show, like i am completely convinced of this now.
I'm seeing major foreshadowing going on with Elu and what will be the outcome of the spoiler movie plot.
Ok, so something i've noticed with Eliott this season is that he's kinda in his own world. Yes i know they are showing his individualism and i'm happy to see that because i think he's a beautiful and complex character and deserves so much insight.
But certain things i've noticed in scenes and certain things i've heard Eliott say is starting to make me think we are heading for Eliott having his own rock bottom moment. I'm just gonna list some things that seem to connect for me.
• The hiding and lying really been highlighted with Eliott's arc. The almost casual way too. Like it's a habit and second nature. He's done it so much in my eyes to hide his true self that it's basically become a mask now. How he justifies these things to others and how oblivious he really is to how others see it too. How outside perspective is different from Eliott perspective e g. Lola calling him out with the urbex hiding, Lucas's anger when he was blindsided with Lola being in their home.
•For the first time ever with Lucas we see him at Daphne's party monitoring himself in regards to Eliott's mental illness. He's not monitoring Eliott and i have a theory on that. Lucas is so afraid of being a Lucille that he's passive with things that may be seen as controlling. So instead he tries to be cautious and make the situation about it being Lucas's choice and not a choice made for Eliott. I don't think it's an accident at all that Arthur walks up to Lucas and Eliott and wants to share a joint and Lucas who is cuddling Eliott and playing with his hair brushes Arthur off without saying what the audience is picking up on. For the first time ever we see Eliott chafe under this and we are aware that Eliott knows what Lucas is doing. Eliott tells him in an almost biting the tongue way to go and it's ok. And Lucas says these very telling words "Can i?" And Eliott says "yes Lucas" Lucas then happy kisses Eliott on the cheek and goes off with Arthur.
• The argument Lola wakes up to where we see that Eliott impulsive, forgot to let Lucas know what he was coming home to. Now i must say i don't blame Eliott for not doing this as the night was intense. And he'd just saved a girl from attempted rape and was prob up for hours with her and got very little sleep himself. But i also see Lucas's point too. Lucas is passionate. It's not out of character. It is part of who Lucas is. That is why he is a hedgehog. He is simply prickly and reactive. We have seen this throughout the show. He initially acts in a defensive way (hedgehog quills) and then he calms and deals. But again we see Lucas thrown off guard with Eliott and his impulsivity. So they are yelling and then Lucas says "she has problems" and Eliott tells him he has problems too, and Eliott acts offended that Lucas is being judgmental. And again it's a trait with Lucas too, and highlights again the group dynamics and the reaction to outsiders. Lucas accepts Eliott's illness but found it hard to accept his mothers. His love for Eliott changed his perceptive though as we see in S3. Lucas still shows that he has prejudices. He has made comments that are ignorant and unfair throughout the show e.g. mental illness, LGBTQ+, ableism with Arthur, Panphobia stereotypes etc. He just did it again with Lola. Like i said before, i play no favourites i see these characters as complex and when they're messy or flawed they are more interesting to me. So i have no issues when they F up. They're young, insecure, and it feels true to life. But yeah i notice with Lucas (again highlighting insulation in the group v isolation in outsiders) that Lucas has a moral view. If i care and love you i will accept you warts and all. If you are unknown and alien my quills are ready to go. And this is a direct contrast to Eliott who comes in and spreads his arms ready to hug the world. Even adopts furry animals. 😍
Then again something is said that shows how Lucas views his position with Eliott and his mental health. Eliott gives a hypothetical and says to lucas if he were in trouble Lucas would want him to be helped and safe, and Lucas says back. Yeah, but Lucas himself should be that person that should handle it. Now i don't blame Lucas. He loves Eliott so much and he wants him safe but i got subtle control out of that comment and an implication that Eliott can't handle himself. And we see the direct contrast the night before when Eliott, who the last time we saw in that hoodie with the hood raised, he was at his worst and crying in La Petite Ceinture needing rescue. But now he's the one that finds his power and rescues someone else. That he is capable, individual and has 2 feet.
•The mental illness talk with Lola and us learning more of Eliott's past. I loved this because we again see Eliott speak for himself. We get the much begged for past history of Eliott and his struggles. And he gets to impart wisdom and help someone else. That there is power in this friendship with Lola. For Eliott he not only sees the mistakes of his past he can rectify but he can be strong and guide someone out of the darkness he once found himself in. I find that incredibly beautiful and amazing character insight. But again it highlights how oblivious Eliott is to his actions on the one he loves most. His Lucas. Like i could write a huge ass post on Eliott alone and why he does the things he does, but i may get kicked off the tag if i do. 😄 but 2 words come to mind with Eliott and his love with Lucas.
FEAR: The fear of the past repeating and control happening AND the fear of being real and true because it's too much and you are a burden. And it all being rooted in his mental illness.
"i don't know how to control it and it is killing me"
Eliott tells Lola that his bipolar episodes can be quite violent. That there are funny ones (choc labrador thievery) and very sad ones (3 time attempt to take your life) like i knew his past was dark. (anyone that creates a refuge to release in and cry like you're still hiding, even from yourself and uses that as a coping mechanism?) Something horrible must have happened for you to resort to that.
And i've always maintained that Eliott is one of the darkest Even's, and France have not romanticised the portrayal of his mental illness in any way shape or form. He has snapped at lucas during his crash , had episodes where lucas can only watch him helplessly and love him regardless, his insta journal has been quite heartbreaking with his mental/emotional state, he sometimes won't take his meds, he'll hide his bipolar out of fear and run, he has his personal refuge, he's tried to take his life, he needs to get away and breathe, and he still has suicide thoughts even though he has Lucas. You have got to applaud the show with how they've handled Eliott and his illness. It's very real, and you may love someone immensely but depression doesn't care what they mean to you. They will be by your side but they can't fix you and love your mind to better health. You're still gonna have negative thoughts, you're still gonna slip and regress but having the one you love hold your hand makes it easier to navigate those scary moments. 👏
But through this something dawned on me. Eliott is sabotaging his relationship in his pursuit not to. And i gotta say i find that so sad. He's creating this love bubble, actually they both are, and nothing can penetrate the love bubble. That means fears and insecurities stay outside. He's lying and hiding to protect himself, protect Lucas from himself and keep Lucas from leaving him. Lucas is too but that essay is for another time. 😄 and he says to Lola that to love someone is to accept them even with their flaws. But he's lying to Lola too because he won't let Lucas see his flaws because it means Lucas leaves. 😭 we saw Eliott once open up to Lucas in S3 Lundi and the way Maxence played that scene was beautiful, because you see just how heavy being mentally ill is on Eliott. That he believes he'll just ruin everything around him
"things will change, i don't want them to but they will and it'll be because of me"
He can't keep eye contact with Lucas and his entire demeanour is one of wobbly defeat. You have never seen Eliott more vulnerable in this moment. His shame, embarassment, and self loathing is oozing out of his pores. He doesn't even want Lucas to have to deal with it, and his expectation is that the relationship ends here. And to add to that, he shows just how much he loves Lucas by saying how he can't bear to see him hurt or in any kind of pain. Lucas fights for them and Eliott has hope. But we realise that things don't just change overnight, days, months etc. Eliott still has demons inside him that tell him hurtful and toxic things that all people who suffer with mental illness go through. And when Lucas tells him he loves him there's still a voice in Eliott that says " for how long" and "you won't when you see who i am" i'm not exaggerating here. I deal with mental illness and it destroys your self worth. It is a daily fight and you kinda can see yourself as an alien in the world. It really has the power to twist your perception of the world in the ugliest way. FYI and TMI but when i had a severe anxiety episode that had crept up over years of denial and added to a huge life stressor. It lasted weeks before i accepted i needed help. I used to do what Eliott would do, and when it was too much i would up and leave, go to a nearby park and sit on the bench alone and sad. One time i looked up at the clouds and instead of seeing the beauty of nature, i saw mockery. I actually saw clouds laughing at me. 😄 no it wasn't delusions. It was simply a twisted perception of the world where there was self loathing, failure, and the feeling of powerlessness. I don't know why i included this, sorry for the discomfort. ☺️
But back to Eliott. Lola asks if things will be ok with him and Lucas. Eliott is like yeah and just throws out:
"He's worried about me, i have bipolar disorder, do you know what that is?"
Anyone else pick up on the emphasis Eliott does there in his relationship with Lucas. Brings it back to the mental illness and the oblivious nature of other things, like miss-communication and hiding things. Like Eliott's world in this relationship is "I have bipolar disorder" like that's a huge focus for Eliott.
Then they are comparing loves. Eliott telling Lola that "And i have Lucas, I can't lose this" we are actually hearing this from his mouth, and again, the reinforcement of the root of Eliott's insecurities. I can't lose Lucas. He has made my life better and makes the bad stuff not so overwhelming and scary AKA i'm afraid he will leave. So i will use my power to stop that from happening. She's sad and tells Eliott she had a Lucas (Maya) but lost her. Eliott tells her to find her Lucas and if she loves her she'll accept her. Which is obviously going to happen with Maya and Lola. She'll tell her the past which is connected to Lola's addict issues. And like Lucas, Maya's love for Lola will help her to overcome her pain and move forward, and Lola to find her light and not be so scared of her darkness.
• Every single time Eliott is asked by someone about him keeping things from Lucas. His answer is the obsessive "i want to protect him and i don't want to stress him or worry him" We saw it with Imane in S4 and we saw it with Lola recently. We add on the inner insecurities with "It'll be too much and he won't stay" and here's Eliott folks. 😔 We know he has an arc this season. Max said Eliott has a beautiful emotional journey, and that he helps the main with his past.
But one thing that every person who goes through emotional turmoil AKA Skam season main journey. It's called the moment that is the wake up call for the character. The moment that you are at your lowest and you must face yourself. Eliott can't be main as he's blocked but we are seeing that he has a lot of focus. So far he's in the show a lot and very active too.
We know that Elu's seasons long issues are being addressed finally. We know that Eliott himself will be addressed. What's one thing that has remained the same in Eliott and Lucas's love? The hiding things from Eliott and Lucas forgiving him AKA Lucas has never left. What's one thing that could be a very scary wakeup call for Eliott? Lucas leaving.
Now i don't think those scenes are throwaway at all, and i don't think the dialogue is either. They've slowly set this arc up since S5 for Eliott and the relationship with Lucas. Little stressors that just watching S5 you play off but now paired with S6 become very serious. I've mentioned some of them in other posts. We know the spoiler movie is coming. We know how lucas reacts to Eliott being honest and we can almost say how Eliott reacts = impulsivity and rebellion.
But the fallout? And i do think the story is going there guys. Which i'm fine with tbh, along with the conflict and the relationship. Saying it's just drama or out of the blue would be a humongous lie. This has been building for seasons and it is incredibly consistent with the relationship and the characters. Now i'd agree with fans if Eliott and Lucas were eternally blissful and then suddenly boom issues. But that hasn't happened at all. It's been tiny little stressors building up to the eventual crack, or my analogy = the bubble eventually pops.
So the movie happens, and for Lucas it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. His breaking point for him to end the relationship or leave Eliott. And it's Eliott's breaking point. We have his words, we didn't need them, let's be real, but we have them. He needs Lucas and everyone knows how much he loves him. Like that is not even debatable. Eliott is deeply in love with his hedgehog. But it's the wake up call to the relationship, and it's the wakeup call to Eliott. He can't continue this self sabotage and he has to face everything. But guys, Eliott really emphasised his need for Lucas. That ultimately tells me he's put his mental health on this need too. I think Eliott is going to be triggered and spiral. Like i'm sure of it now. And i think that is when S3 main Lucas will have his talk with S6 main Lola. I think she's gonna bring them back together. And i think that's what Flavie meant in her live "she helps him too"
I just wanna say i'm not gonna be in the tag saying Eliott or Lucas is a villain. I think it's sad when stress happens we pit the characters against each other. I wish the fanbase could be compassionate and empathetic. And you may not agree with what a character does but you accept that these characters are not black and white and they make mistakes, mess up and do stupid shit. It's the journey that we all go on and as other fans have said, growth is not linear.
Finally, god these posts are getting longer. I've lurked for so long and now my thoughts are just piling up. 😄 but yeah, i noticed some fans say that this Lucas and Eliott stuff should be over, they're together a year so should have dealt with their issues. Like i just have to say to that what?? Like relationship issues happen. You don't just fix them and bam happily ever after. The same issues can crop up throughout a relationship, because you are not just dealing with you as a unit but you are dealing with you as an individual too. You have the baggage the relationship causes and your carry on's that you yourself bring to the relationship. Your own personal issues and insecurities can continue to crop up causing problems.
Stressors can expose cracks, and that is what is happening. Denying and placing to the side issues like you'll deal with them later but you never do because you're afraid of the response thinking The relationship fails or you lose each other. Like think of anxiety. It's the ultimate result of not dealing with life issues. They build and build throughout life untill they become a disorder. These 2 haven't dealt with them untill now, and that's why they are coming to a head finally. And from a show perspective the format really limits them. Focusing on one main can't explore others and their issues, because the main has to be there. The only way you can do that is breaking format and Skam is quite strict with their narrative. What's happening with Eliott is a case of 'this is the best we can do' he's blocked but they want to give this beloved character the insight the fanbase has been begging for. They don't usually do this. Usually it's the main and his/her ensemble but this time it's the main + 2 part mains in Daphne and Eliott. The ensemble is background this season. And Eliott has an arc since S3 so of course they are going to bring these seasons built relationship issues to the surface and address them. They are wrapping up the old generation and handing over to new now. All these threads are being dealt with.
So what i said about stressors exposing cracks. Well here's a stressor? moving in together. Before Eliott lived alone, with his parents checking in frequently (prob his bipolar disorder) but he could breathe and be, and hide and be alone whenever he wanted. Now he's living with Lucas. And they love each other but there are teething problems. We saw them laid beautifully in S5, and being together only a year is really nothing. Most of that would be a honeymoon period, let's be honest here. And they have such an intense and emotional love. Like they are young (17/18 and 19/20) and have found the life partner they want. Just think about that, and the issues of that responsibility as well. In reality you don't find your life partner at that age. You really don't.
And people mess up. They make mistakes and they grow but it's not a full stop there. You make other mistakes and you mess up. And environmental triggers can happen that can make more mistakes happen, and can even make you regress. You fight in life. You don't sail through it. Does anybody? So yeah, oh sweet the lovebirds moved in together but moving in together has also highlighted issues not dealt with. Couples face tests. And importantly that "minute par minute" scene is now being seen in action. That means the bad times as well as the good. This relationship started in so much fear for both and i'm sorry that level of fear doesn't just poof away. We are seeing that.
Now i'm done. I really don't blame anyone if they don't read this. Even i'm ashamed at the length. But will i still post it? Yep 😄💜
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Charia Kingdom - Masterlist
An NCT Dream Fantasy Series.
Charia Kingdom - A place that has equal amounts of sunshine and rain, hot and cold, rich and poor, and, humans and creatures that couldn’t be identified as that of human status. Ruled by the Lee family with a king whose cutthroat and unforgiving nature is feared by many. The poor not cared for by people who have everything, where disease takes the lives of those unfortunate enough to not have the funds to purchase medicine. A place where humans live among creatures many would find terrifying. It’s no secret that Vampires, Werewolves, Wizards, etc live amongst them like normal people. Unless you murder someone, you’re considered normal. Everyone lives their own lives, whether it be a happy life, or a sorrowful life...
Mark Lee - Born into a family of renowned witches and wizards, there came a time for Mark to fly the nest. The nest being their comfortable home in the middle of the bustling kingdom. After the death of the castle’s witch, 17 year old Mark was brought in to take her place. He lives up to his family’s name and has impressed the royal family with his natural talents. Now 20 years old with the trust of the royal family and kingdom, shy, quiet Mark is given a new obstacle when a new maid is brought to work alongside him in the castle. Granted she’s mostly there to clean up his mess, but he finds she plays a much bigger role in his life than just that. With the new light in his life, Mark faces a new task at hand. Keeping her safe from the horrors of the castle.
Perils Brewing - [S], [A], [F]
Huang Renjun - Being chased from the royal family’s castle at the age of 16 was never something Renjun hoped for when he was growing up. Having lived in the castle since his birth, his mother, the castles witch, raised him alone. After finding out a huge secret and confronting the king, the king has Renjun’s mother killed, leading Renjun to use the dark powers he never knew he had to curse the Prince of the kingdom. After a bounty is put on his head for his crimes, he lives his life on the run, burrowing away in a cabin far out in the depths of the dangerous forest. A place where many lethal creatures live. Now 19, Renjun has lived in solitude for 3 years, and never expected a girl to break into his home in the dead of night. The girl he encounters is on the run herself, but refuses to tell him why. The stubborn, mentally strong, and brave girl persaudes him to let her stay with him. Can he live alongside another being when he’s still got dark magic flowing through his veins and a huge secret heavy in his heart?
Running From The Dark - [S], [A], [F]
Lee Jeno - Being the crown prince of Charia Kingdom was never something that worried Jeno. He was raised by his mother to smile when talked to, and to have a kind heart so that he would rule the kingdom differently to how his father had. At 16, he’s unexpectedly hit by a powerful curse after hearing a ruckus going on in the echoing halls of the castle. It flips his life around, his new status as a werewolf being a challenge he hates with all his heart. It turned the kingdoms sweetheart into an angry, brooding boy. Now 19, Jeno has learned how to control when he phases with the help of the remedies Mark brews for him. The only thing he can’t control is bursting into a gigantic wolf every time a negative emotion takes over his mind. No one apart from the workers of the castle know that he’s a wolf, it being kept a secret from the public. He runs in the forest in his wolf form calm him down, until he comes face to face with a rogue wolf who threatens his life with her piercing glare. After imprinting on each other, Jeno has to learn how to balance his new love, his duties as prince, his burning rage, and a secret that is revealed to him that changes his life once again.
Stepping Into The Moonlight - [S], [A], [F]
Lee Donghyuck - Donghyuck the cheeky, charismatic boy who wasn't born a demon. As a human Donghyuck was known for his greed and crimes. So when he died at the age of 19, Satan offered him an eternal life in exchange for completing tasks. At the age of 79 he was banished from hell for failing to take the life of someone he decided upon himself didn't deserve to die. For his sin, as punishment he was sent to live on earth forever. Being immortal and watching people you make connections with die from illness, old age, or suicide was a far bigger punishment than dying. Currently 128 years old, he’s seen many of his peers around him die in many ways, and every time it happens it chips away at his sanity and positive attitude. He swore never to fall in love, but upon meeting the princess of Charia, he can’t keep away from her. After falling in love with her, it’s becoming more likely that she will be ripped away from him sooner rather than later. With his emotions flipping completely, can he manage to stop himself from sinning to save the woman he loves?
Coming Soon...
Na Jaemin - At the age of 19, Jaemin was brutally beaten by a knight of the royal family and left for dead. He was found by a creature of the night and turned into a blood craving vampire. Many years later, he’s now 210 years old and lives life one day at a time. He’s rather peaceful for a murderous creature, only being considered dangerous when he’s starved of the only thing he needs; blood. Before his death, he was an orphan, abandoned with only a pile of letters telling him of his true heritage. Something that’s always planted in the back of his mind. After hunting one night, he hears screams coming from the kingdoms small hospital. There he finds a nurse being attacked by a patient. After defusing the attack, he has no other choice but to help the wounded nurse, not being able to leave her there half dead as he was once before. The addicting scent of her makes him keep her around despite the danger that he poses to her by having her in his home. He finds himself doing something he never would have dreamed of doing to keep her around. After finding out about his true heritage, she changes, for the good or bad? Will this be a love story, or a tragedy?
Coming Soon...
Zhong Chenle - Born as an angel in heaven, Chenle had always been obsessed over how humans lived on earth. But forbidden to step foot on earth he had to always watch from above. Turning 18 he decided to take a risk. A risk that lead him to be ripped from his family, forced to live his life on earth like a mortal human. He has his halo taken from him, but is plagued by the wings that have a heavier feeling on his back than what they used to in heaven. Living the life he always wanted, he’s a happy soul, rarely being sad even if he can’t leave the house as much as he would like. His wings are hard to conceal, and with fallen angel’s being a more than rare thing, he’s scared he will be killed for his wings. You’d think if he was killed he would go to back heaven right? Wrong. After being thrown to earth, he had no means of survival other than stealing to stay alive. One night he meets the hyperactive, bubbly girl who works in the local bookstore. A friendship immediately occurs between the two. He soon finds himself falling for the girl and has hopes of living the normal life he always wanted. As he gets used to living as a human does, will life pan out the way sweet Chenle wants?
Coming Soon...
Park Jisung - In human form, Jisung looks like the worlds softest boy. His shy, slightly awkward persona often tricks people into thinking that he couldn’t even fight off a new-born baby. So why has the royal family put this lanky, slender 17 year old boy in front of the castles main gate as its protector when the rumours are that a terrifying dragon is the guarder of the castle. Well, something not many people know about the boy is that he’s a dragon hybrid. And can turn into an overwhelmingly huge dragon that has even the bravest of knights quivering in their chain mail. So far no one has ever gotten past the boy, and he intends on keeping it that way. So when a girl who looks around the same age as him slips past him and is found stealing from the castle, he’s not too impressed. She’s locked away in the dungeon, and the curious boy has to meet the only person to ever get past him. She’s sentenced to death but after pleading with his friend Prince Jeno, her crimes are pardoned, but only if Jisung keeps her with him as his assistant. He encourages her to change her thieving ways, but will he ever be able to change the hard-headed girl he argues with daily? What if you add strange feelings of love into the mix and a promise that one of them doesn't intend on keeping?
Coming Soon...
(A/N: Hi! I’m so excited to for this series I hope you enjoyed the teasers! whose are you most looking forward to? I worked really, really hard on these so please let me know your thoughts and give it loads of love! Also as all of this series hasn't been written yet, things may change in the plots and summaries but it shouldn't be anything too drastic. Also this series will contain smut, angst and fluff. Obviously no smut for Chenle and Jisung, and each story will get warnings and categories marked on them when they’re published.)
#nct#nct dream#mark lee#nct 127#lee jeno#huang renjun#lee donghyuck#Zhong chenle#park jisung#na jaemin#nct smut#nct fluff#nct angst#nct dream smut#nct dream fluff#nct dream angst#nct scenarios#nct series#nct dream scenarios#nct dream series#jeno#jaemin#mark#renjun#chenle#jisung#donghyuck#haechan#lee haechan#nct jaemin
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Crossing Parallel Lines- Sam Winchester x Reader: Chapter 12
*TRIGGER WARNING: The following may be a trigger for anyone suffering from mental health. Please proceed with caution*
A/N: Wow, I can’t believe we are in chapter 12 now! I wanted to write more about the reader’s struggles with anxiety but I also wanted Dean, Jack and Cas to love on her too! So please, enjoy!
Warnings: FLUFF, mentions of sexy times, BOOBS, breakdowns, crying, insecurities, cuddles from a big Moose
Word Count: 3,382
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Reader’s POV
Since Sam found out about your anxiety, he was a lot more attentive to you. Not so much where it would feel overbearing, but just enough to show you how much he cared and loved you. You still couldn’t believe he was lying next to you in your bed, after your joyous reunion the previous night. Laying on your side so you could look at him, you watch as he slept. His face would crinkle up when something must’ve frightened him in his sleep, his pink lips just barely apart from one another as a small snore left his lungs. The rise and fall of his chest fell into a soft pattern, up and down every few minutes. His long lashes resting gently on his face and his nose released built-up tension he was harboring as he breathed. Everything about him was flawless and it took your own breath away when you looked at him. Something about the way he was when he slept, made him look much smaller and a little less hard on the outside. You knew damn well about his life; the hardships he faces, all the battles with monsters and people over the years were beginning to catch up with him. However, at this moment, none of the bad things mattered. What mattered now, was that he got to be at peace, even if just for a little while, and he didn’t have to worry about what the next hunt or battle would entail. His worries now were you and your well-being. You had your own battles to fight and they had become too much for you to do on your own, so crossing over to your universe earlier than the original spell told you, Sam was here and he was with you. To fight those demons with you and to help you navigate all the new things you were learning about yourself. It wasn’t an easy process but Sam was committed to staying with you, and he promised you that, right before sleep overpowered both of you.
Keeping quiet, you moved closer to Sam, careful not to wake his sleeping form, so you could pepper his face with tiny kisses like he liked to do with you. You started from the top of his forehead, trailing a line down his nose, over to his cheeks and chin, slowly adding a few kisses to the softest part on his neck, the one you spent plenty of time on the night before, causing a low grumble to bubble up from his chest. You knew he was awake, but he didn’t dare open his eyes. Catching on to his little game, your trail moved down to the exposed parts of his chest, leaving behind the most intimate kisses you could, before you made your way back up to his lips. Almost instantly, he had fully woken up to kiss you back, deepening the kiss by rolling over you, surprising you by his sudden alertness.
“Well good morning, handsome,” you chuckle when he pulls away to look down at you.
He smiled down at you before speaking in his husky, morning voice, “good morning, beautiful.”
“Glad to see you’re finally awake,” you tease, knowing his little ploy.
“Well if I get woken up like that every morning, we might have to make these sleepovers a regular thing,” he smirked, eyes growing a shade darker.
“Not this morning, big boy, we got to get ready to head back to your world,” you smile, pecking at his lips before sliding away from under him.
“How the hell do you get away so easily?” He questions you as he collapses on the place you just were.
“Because I’m smaller than you, and you do pretty much turn to butter when I kiss you, so it’s easy,” you wink at him when you see the heat rising to his cheeks.
With all the events of last night, you and Sam had discussed crossing back over to his universe to see Dean and Castiel and Jack. Because Sam was in a panic over your state of mind and he was on the phone with Dean until he saw you, he knew he wanted to see you and show his support for your new journey as you learn more about yourself. Dean always saw you as his little sister and that grew stronger the more you stuck around and came to see Sam. He absolutely loved you with all his heart and he was incredibly grateful to you for loving his little brother the way you do. All he wanted for Sam was to have any shot of that ‘apple pie life’ the two of them always discussed in this life, but he was okay with not having it himself. He thought Sam deserved it more than he did, yet there was still a part of him that longed to be loved by someone like Sam was loved by you. He didn’t hold any jealousy or ill-will against you; he was so happy for you two, but he still wanted that for himself. Although, he was excited to have a younger sister, and that’s exactly how he made you feel from the very beginning. He took you under his wing and it was him, who constantly badgered Sam into accepting you as a part of their family. It was ironic to you that Sam, who had originally despised you, ended up loving you. But Dean always held a special place for you in his heart.
“Sam?” You say, walking out of your bathroom and back into your room where you had left him to pack up.
“Yeah?” He responds, keeping busy with his task at hand.
“What if things are different with Dean and Cas and Jack now?” You say, pressing on the palm of one of your hands; something Sam would do when he was nervous. He stopped what he was doing, no longer worrying about the clothes he was folding into a suitcase, and patted the bed beside him, so you could sit.
“What do you mean?” He asks, his concerned, puppy-dog look soon etching across his beautiful features.
“What if Dean doesn’t like who I am now that I have anxiety? What if he thinks I’ve become super clingy to you and him? What if he thinks I’m too emotional?” You list off your insecurities to Sam, who just takes your face in his hands, forcing you to look up at him.
“Y/N, he loves you and he’s worried about you. He began to panic when I first told him something was wrong with you. He didn’t care that I turned off the porn he was watching that morning, and he always gets angry about that! You’re like his little sister and he adores you as such. He was the first one who had accepted you into our family even before I did. That has to mean something to you, right? Yeah, I’m sure it’s going to be a shock to him, seeing just how easy it is for you to get upset over things now, but he really cares about you and wants to do whatever he can to help you. And Jack and Cas don’t really know about mental health but they both really care about you too and want to help, too. Everyone is on your side here, y/n and we all love you so much. You’re a Winchester now and you will be treated as such. Winchesters love more than we really realize we do but we do and we wouldn’t have you any other way, okay? I wouldn’t have you any other way. You are absolutely perfect in my eyes, even if you don’t think you are. You show me a different way to look at life every day, you laugh at just about anything, and you don’t care about letting people in when you’re not okay. I wish I could be like you in those ways, but I’m learning from you. You teach me how to let my feelings out and you show me just how important it is to cope healthily. I love you so much,” Sam finished his speech and you couldn’t believe just how much he really loved you.
“Sam, everything you just said, really helps me put into perspective of how important I am and how much I matter to you. I need reinforcing like this more often and it may take a few times for me to believe it, but I’m trying. As for Dean, I love him so much, too. He’s the best big brother I could ever ask for and I am grateful for him being there for me that first day. And you, my love,” you reach up to rest your hand on Sam’s cheek and he held it there, “are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I can’t fathom the love you have for me but I am lucky to be loved by you and I hope you feel how I love you too, Sam Winchester.” He smiled his wide smile that reached his eyes before he leaned down to kiss your lips.
“Alright if we don’t get back to getting ready, we’ll never leave,” he says after letting you go.
“Would that be so bad?” You say, hinting at maybe staying home with Sam wouldn’t be bad.
“Babe, I would love nothing more than to stay in bed with you all day long and to show you just how much I love you, relive the events of last night, but I promised Dean we’d be back at the Bunker tonight, for a surprise he has planned for you,” Sam said, holding one of your hands close to his heart.
“A surprise for me?” You ask your excitement reaching a new level. “What is it?”
“Oh no, I can’t tell you or it’ll ruin the surprise. You’re just going to have to wait,” Sam said, kissing the end of your nose, causing you to scrunch up from where his lips just were. He was heading out the door with your suitcase in tow, but your question stopped him.
“But you’ll make it up to me when we get there right? Cause I really need you and I might just not be wearing anything once I settle into my room,” you tease, causing Sam to spin around to look at you. You had lifted one side of your shirt up, to show him one breast freshly exposed, causing the bag in his hand, to suddenly drop to the floor. You had a little smirk playing at your lips and your eyes held him until he was beside you in an instant. He stood just mere inches from you, looking down at you as you proceeded to completely disregard your shirt, now fully exposed to him.
“Guess I should call Dean and tell him we’ll be a little late,” he said, bending down to wrap an arm around your waist and lifting you over his shoulder. You squeal at the sudden impact but enjoyed the moment anyway.
A few hours passed and you were in front of the Bunker. The butterflies that had erupted in your stomach when you left your house, had completely taken full flight now. The words Sam spoke to you before your journey and the feeling of his large yet protective hand in yours, was giving you a sense of calm that you were rather grateful for.
“You ready?” He asked, looking over to you, and squeezing your hand reassuringly. You nodded once and squeezed his hand back. You were nervous, yes, but you knew you were loved, especially after the morning you had with Sam. However, this was different; this was his brother and his friends. How were they going to react? Sam took his keys out of his pocket and fumbled with them until he found the one golden one for the door. As the doorknob twisted open, your stomach twisted with anticipation.
As the door opened, there were a series of loud noises coming from the kitchen and the War Room. Sounds of things falling to the ground, clanking of dishes, and several foul words falling from someone’s mouth. You looked to Sam, who only gave a shy smile, knowing of the culprit of the noise, but that made you more nervous. What kind of mood was Dean in if he was already using a long list of profanities?
“Hello? We’re here, Dean?” Sam’s loud voice carried down the stairs and throughout the Bunker before drawing the young Nephilim out from the hallway of bedrooms.
“Hello!” Jack said, raising a hand as he did, to show his greeting of whomever he came in contact with.
“Jack, hey buddy,” Sam said, going over to hug the youngest member of the Winchester family, aside from you.
“And y/n, you’re back!” Jack said, eyes beaming with excitement as he embraced you with a loving hug. “We’ve missed you around here,” Jack says, looking at you with a beautiful look of wonder.
“I’ve missed being here,” you say, taking in your surroundings of the old, slightly crumbling walls of the Bunker. The stories they must be able to tell of all the men who have lived there in decades past, kept your attention until another voice brought you back.
“Yes, it has been rather lonely and unusual without a feminine perspective on things,” Castiel said, appearing in the room on the opposite side from where Jack stood.
“Cas!” You say happily walking over to the angel and wrapping your arms around his shoulders. “I’ve missed you,” you say, your voice breaking as you took in the scent of the human form Cas took on.
“And I, you, y/n. How are you doing? Sam says you’ve been struggling lately?” He asks, tilting his head to the side slightly and eyes squinting to look at you.
“I’m okay, I’m just learning how to handle something I don’t really understand yet. I hope that makes sense,” you say to the angel, whose face melted back into his normal look of worry. Much like Sam, Castiel could worry rather easily but it always warmed your heart at their affection from you.
“Well, I may not know what is going on with you, but I’d like to be of assistance however I can. Your happiness is very important to all of us, especially Sam,” you look up at your boyfriend as he tried to hide the pink on his cheeks.
“Well judging by the color on Sammy’s cheeks, I would say y/n was here,” came a very distinct voice behind you; Dean.
You slowly turned to look at him, seeing him lean against the wall, and a small grin on his lips.
“Hey kiddo,” he says before you crash into him in a tight hug. You couldn’t help the tears that had poured out from eyes so you tried to squeeze them away, hoping Dean wouldn’t notice or make any comments about it. His hand rubbed up and down your back as you gripped him tighter, not wanting to let go of the special bond you held with the eldest Winchester. However, he felt the shudder come from your body as the tears only increased, so he took a step back to look at you.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” He asks, wiping the wetness away from your face but was quickly met with more tears.
“Sam!” Dean cried to his younger brother and he immediately came to your side.
“Hey, hey, hey, what happened, baby?” Sam says in a smooth tone of voice, wrapping you in his arms.
“I-I’m jus-just hap-happy to be here wi-with everyone,” you say in between sniffles and hiccups from your small break down.
“Oh baby,” Sam said, kissing the top of your head.
“Why don’t you two take a moment and then when you’re ready, we’ll be ready with the surprise, alright?” Dean said to you and Sam, as he continued to rub your back, despite Sam still holding you.
“Actually, that might be a good idea. Come on y/n, let’s go lay down for a bit and we’ll talk, okay?” Sam said, tilting his head down a bit so he could look at you from behind your hands, and gently pulling them away from your face. You nodded but kept your head down, not wanting to look at anyone and definitely not wanting to look at Dean. You held him at a higher standard than you probably should, but you couldn’t help it. He was tough and wasn’t the easiest one to let anyone close to him, so now that you are to him, you wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the closeness that you had with him.
Sam led you back to his room, sitting down close to you on the bed, and held you tight. You felt like you didn’t need to cry anymore but you did just need to be held. So, kicking his shoes off his feet, Sam crawled under a few blankets that he had lying on his bed and wrapped you up in the blankets and his arms. He brought you flush against his body, making sure you were comfortable while keeping you close. You felt relaxed as you melted right into his chest, inhaling his natural scent of whiskey and a fresh clean shower. Taking slow, deep breaths in and out, as you felt your heartbeat slowing down to a normal rate. This was the kind of affection you needed and Sam was the best person to give it to you.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, slightly pushing away from you to take you in.
“Honestly, the only thing is, I’m just really overwhelmed by all your love and support and then your brother and your friends are just as supportive? It’s a lot but in a good way. I’m not sad, just in a bit of shock is all,” you admitted as Sam just smiled at you and kissed your face.
“Are you ready to see what Dean has planned for you?” Sam asked, showing you his child-like cheekiness, even for a moment.
“Yes!” You cheered, suddenly jumping up from the bed. He smiled at you and quickly got up to follow you back out into the War Room.
“Ah, there you two lovebirds are,” Dean teased, seeing the two of you holding hands as you walked into the room, heat rising to your cheeks as Sam squeezed your hand.
“All ready, Dean?” Sam asked, wanting to kill the embarrassed both you and he felt about your small display of affection.
“Yep, y/n, come with me,” Dean said, leading the way into his ‘cave.’ Opening the door, there was a spread of freshly made burgers, all the toppings you could imagine, all of your favorite snacks and drinks but a good mix of theirs too. Dean worked really hard to welcome you back to the Bunker and he wanted you to feel completely comfortable like this was your second home.
“Wow, thank you so much, Dean. All this food looks delicious!” You say, beaming with happiness.
“Hey, anything for my little sister,” he says, hugging you quickly before you all began to eat. And on top of all that, Dean eve let you choose what movie to watch while you ate. Excitedly, you chose the first Captain America film, one that Jack or Castiel haven’t seen. Who doesn’t like a good superhero movie?
After dinner, Sam and you shared a blanket and he kept you close as the movie progressed. He played with your fingers, running his up and down your arm. Your heart was warmed as you felt his love pouring out from his fingers, just a small act of affection meant the world to you. This is where you felt the most comfortable, being surrounded by people who genuinely cared about you. And, with someone who loved you more than you could fathom, suddenly your insecurities and your anxiety, didn’t seem so significant. Maybe being with the Winchesters all the time, could be the best thing for you.
Tag list: @tloveswriting @fandom-princess-forevermore @akshi8278 @to-my-beloved-fandoms-2 @awesomesusiebstuff @hobby27 @angeredcrow @spnjediavenger @thinkinghardhardlythinking @deansmyapplepie @polina-93 @sam-winchester-admiration-league
#sam winchester#sam winchester x reader#sam winchester x you#sam winchester x y/n#sam winchester fluff#sam winchester series#sam winchester angst#sam winchester fanfiction#anxiety#insecure#jared paladecki#always keep fighting#supernatural family#supernatural fandom#sam girls
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yo your belief that azula deserves a redeption arc is totally valid since everyone has the right their own beliefs and opinions, but I legit do not see it. I grew up in a kinda similar situation w/ my sister as azula and my sister doesn't deserve redemption or forgiveness. yeah we were both kids but that doesn't excuse what she did. I agree that azula definitely doesn't deserve to be demonized and should get mental health treatment, but she doesn't deserve redemption imo
I can definitely see where you're coming from, and as you said, everyone can have their own opinions.
I personally would like an Azula redemption arc for a few reasons, but I also have some very important criteria that are needed for the redemption to work.
Let's start with my criteria for an effective redemption:
Recognition on Azula's part that her actions were wrong and brutal. She needs to realise that she's done terrible things and that she needs to make amends.
Mental health treatment. And I mean long, thorough, life-changing mental health treatment.
Real amends being made on Azula's part. She needs to actively make amends, repair damages, face anger, fury, hurt and rejection and still be willing to make more amends.
An actual heartfelt apology, not because she's forced to but because she wants to. The important thing here is that she accepts that people don't have to forgive her, but that that shouldn't stop her from trying to earn their forgiveness.
And here is why I'd like to see Azula redeemed:
Like I mentioned in the post that you're referring to, Azula is fundamentally a kid who's a product of her surroundings. She's been abused all her life (from both of her parents) and she's never been shown compassion or love. I would love to see how she would react to someone genuinely caring about her. We see that as kids, Zuko and and Azula for example aren't enemies. There's real potential for a fascinating relationship there. From a story telling perspective, that's a fascinating story to explore imo
Another reason is because I would genuinely like to see that Azula isn't demonized. I know that this doesn't immediately mean that a redemption arc is the right thing but I think this has potential to show that if (and only if) real amends are made you can be a better person. No-one is born inherently good or inherently evil. It's your actions, your choices that make you who you are and you always have the possibility to strive to be better, to be good. I'm in no way an Azula apologist, she deserves to pay for her crimes and to make real amends but she can also be an example for people who are actively trying to change in the most fundamental way
Jumping off of that, Azula has been indoctrinated in a culture that facilitates her exact behaviour. Her despicable actions are just that, but they don't necessarily stem from her being fundamentally bad but from her being raised in this culture. Azula doesn't have the positive influences that Zuko has (i.e. Iroh and Ursa) and never sees anything wrong with her actions. I think this is a very interesting parallel to people in albeit less extreme situations of for example growing up racist or homophobic and understanding and making large amends by the time they grow up. It would be an interesting thing to explore in my opinion.
Lastly, I have to say that I simply pity Azula. Again, her mental health issues in no way excuse her actions but if I watch the final agni kai, it breaks my heart. Because this is a mentally ill fourteen year old girl fighting her older brother. I'm in no way saying she should be forgiven easily but I do think that IF she makes large appropriate amends and IF she gets mental health treatment she would deserve a second chance. I'll go on a quick tangent here, but you can explain this quite well using the differences between the American prison system that seeks to imprison criminals and keep them imprisoned and for example the German prison system that (while far from perfect and really quite racist but that's another story) seeks to rehabilitate convicts and reintroduce them to society. In my opinion, if there is a real will and real conviction to change and make amends, people sometimes deserve to get second chances.
Now as you said, everyone can have their own view on this and I completely understand that people will have conflicting views on this topic, especially when personal experiences parallel this situation. I'm in no way trying to shove my opinion onto others with this, I'm just trying to explain why I personally think an Azula redemption arc would be an interesting thing to explore. I am not trying to make light of abuse or trauma in any shape or form. Azula's actions are despicable but she also doesn't deserve to be demonized (as you said). I'm not saying an Azula redemption is something that absolutely must happen, but I do like the potential it would have.
Thank you for this ask, I hope you don't mind that I went on a bit of a ramble but I really like exploring possibilities for character development and I hope I've made my opinion a bit clearer. You're of course very welcome to disagree with this and I would love to hear more opinions on this topic!
#lou answers#shut up lou#long post#newl0ndonfire#azula#atla#this is a really interesting topic im sorry for rambling sm#i hope i make sense honestly#azula redemption arc#tw abuse
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Hey so I was wondering if you did/could do an analysis on clouds various panic attacks ptsd episodes and how he responds to each one I’m interested to read your thoughts on each one since you usually bring a new perspective to the table for me so thanks for that!
All of Cloud's ptsd attacks? Damn, that's a lot of searching I've got to do. I might not find them all. I'll do my best but you'll have to let me off if I miss a couple lol
Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.
Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.
You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.
Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx
Recap time!
I explain Cloud's entire backstory which covers his PTSD and other issues here, so that should do for a recap right?
A further thing to note is that PTSD affects people differently and in Cloud's case it manifests as a psychological taunt in the form of Sephiroth. Embodiying his sense of failure, lack of self-esteem and self-actualisation, this version of Sephiroth is the one that Cloud reacts to the most strongly. This is the one that makes him whimper with fear and react on instinct instead of observing the situation and attacking. This is the one he fears, and it's a part of himself wearing a monster's face. Why Sephiroth? Who else has done him more harm? Sephiroth killed his mother, Tifa (so he assumes), burned his hometown to the ground and was indirectly responsible for his best friend's death, too.
And Cloud couldn't do a thing about it. He is the manifestation of everything that Cloud hates and fears about himself. Because of this, he's dissociated from much of his feelings. He still feels, but at a lesser degree than he should were he fully in touch with his real self.
Moseying on.
The first PTSD induced attack isn't actually prompted by Sephiroth himself, although he does feature in it. Cloud's first attack happens when he sees the destruction of sector 8 and buildings burning. This gives him the association of the last time he saw a burning building, which happened when his village burned. The sensory input of sights, sounds and smells prompted the memory, which combined with the high stress situation and Cloud's own latent anxiety and guilt for his part in this chaos.
You see a close up of Cloud's eye as it widens and real!Cloud's memory pushes to the forefront of his mind – remember, these memories are things SOLDIER!Cloud can't access at will, which is why they cause him pain when it happens.
Theres a static noise in the background, which is meant to convey a type of ringing in Cloud's ears and then the building's facade morphs to that of his house with the fence around it.
While much of what Sephiroth says is in line with this being a separate being from Cloud and not merely his own subconscious taunting him, there are elements of it being a combination of both. This is in line with the OG where Sephiroth was able to get in Cloud's head and make him doubt his own sense of self. With what we know of how Jenova's cells manipulate Cloud, it's believable that Sephiroth is both a separate being manipulating Cloud to his own ends and partly an aspect of Cloud's psyche that exists to push blame on him for everything. It's the representation of his mental illness that he struggles to fight.
Obviously, there's no fire, so Cloud sweating and breathless is because they're physical symptoms of his PTSD induced trauma.
Sephiroth's taunting lines about how he killed Cloud's mother are overkill when you consider the real Sephiroth's personality. The combination of the overarching Sephiroth and Cloud's PTSD version make a powerful foe that he never really beats. This is a metaphor for the fact those with mental illness are never really free. It's a lifetime battle and even if they're in recovery, that demon is just waiting for one weak moment when they can get them back in their grip.
You can hear Cloud gasp in this scene as once again Sephiroth appears to taunt him. He's not fully recovered from the last attack and now there's another right on top of it. Sephiroth appearing is once again partly Cloud's own trauma and partly the Jenova cells in him warping his perception and allowing Sephiroth to mess with him.
Unlike the time before, this Sephiroth vision is a simple taunt that Cloud is too weak to save anyone. This is his guilt and self-loathing talking about how he couldn't save his mom, Tifa or his town. It could also be hinting that he couldn't save Zack either.
The hidden implication of this scene is the fact that Sephiroth puts his hand on Aerith's shoulder. This is the only time Sephiroth touches anyone besides Cloud.
The next time Cloud has an attack is during the reactor 5 mission. This happens because of Tifa's presence drawing out the painful memory of the Nibelheim reactor where he believed she died after facing down Sephiroth.
Even in the midst of his PTSD attack he looks to Tifa. She doesn't know what's happening with him and he backs away from taking a chance to confide in her, but even during this moment when he's showing weakness he has very good eye contact with her. He's looking her directly in the eye, which he wouldn't do if he wasn't comfortable with her. This shows that Cloud sees her as a source of comfort and support.
You can see the lingering doubt on his face here after he dismisses the attack. He's not aware of what the memory means because he's not in touch with the full story – that belongs to real!Cloud kept hidden away. He knows it's left him unsettled and feeling like a failure. This is one of the few times I've seen that Cloud doesn't dismiss out of hand the content of the attacks.
Tifa repeats a phrase she said back then and Cloud's sense of failure surfaces, causing him pain and to freeze up. We get a voice over from real!Cloud referring to the time he believes he let Tifa down. Before the SOLDIER persona can get too deep into it or question what he means, Barret yells for him to focus. Cloud shakes off the paralysing feelings, but that doesn't stop Tifa asking it he's ok, which he dismisses again. This is typical of truama survivors pushing their feelings down and attempting to function without ever truly dealing with the source of their pain.
This next flash is prompted by the events during chapter 8 where the children get into trouble and Cloud has to rescue them. It echoes a similar even in his past where Tifa climbed Mt Nibel and fell, despite his best efforts to save her. She spent a week in a coma and Cloud was blamed for the incident and told to stay away from her.
The past emotions of guilt and failure mingle with the present situation to prompt a flash of pain as the memory of Tifa surfaces. It's his feelings of guilt and having failed her that cause the pain, not Tifa herself because when he says to Aerith he doesn't know how to explain he turns to the spot where he saw the vision of Tifa and smiles wistfully. This means Tifa herself doesn't cause him pain. The feelings he has about himself, do.
Chapter 13 and omg I love this freak out! I'm sorry, but this is such a great moment for Cloud and really highlights how low he is at this point. This shows the depth that we miss from him always having his SOLDIER persona taking charge. He's just lived through a tragedy. He's seen the girl he likes in pieces and trying to hold it together. He wants to comfort her. He wants to be himself, but he can't because he's just not good enough. He's feeling like a failure in more ways than one. He lost people too, goddamnit!
Then, in a misguided attempt to distract Tifa from her pain, he stumbles right into a trigger point for his own trauma. Of course he wouldn't know this. It's one of those flashes of Sephiroth ranting about his role and Jenova and shit. (I might have mistakenly said this was a future-flash somewhere, but then I remembered he does this rant right before he kills everyone in Nibelheim).
There's very little blocking to the memory. This is pretty well sealed by real!Cloud compared to his other memories. Even painful ones of Tifa have more context than this. This is something that is so damaging to Cloud's psyche that he can't even fill in the space around it.
So, we get the same kind of staticky noise we heard in chapter 2 when the vision of Sephiroth showed. Cloud gasps pretty loud here tbf. He's unguarded because of the vision and possibly his own distraction about what he's just been through. He wasn't prepared to see Sephiroth here even more than he was back in chapter 2 when he had a full on panic attack.
I mean, his pupils are seriously dilated here. Boi is scared.
Cloud's whimpering and my heart breaks for him. Sephiroth is hitting all his weakest points by bringing up failure and mentioning it's not the first time that's happened. Cloud's at a low point already, so it's not unexpected he backs away from this rather than tries to fight. This isn't SOLDIER!Cloud. This is real!Cloud. The fear has driven real!Cloud to the surface and he wants to run away, just like Sephiroth taunted back in chapter 2.
“Through suffering you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?”
Clearly not by the look on Cloud's face. The part of him that's real!Cloud within this moment looks like he wants to scream that he's had enough of being in pain. He wants to shake his head and deny that he deserves it. What did he ever do wrong?
I feel like this is more of Cloud's own subconscious taunting him and implying that he deserves everything bad that happens to him, rather than it being the external Sephiroth manipulating Jenova's cells. He's saying Cloud secretly wants to suffer because that's all he should ever get in life. He thinks if he suffers enough pain that he'll be stronger for it, instead of the broken person that he really is. This is the type of thing people who’ve lived through trauma deal with every single day. It’s a never ending barrage of not feeling good enough and worrying that your entire existence is a bother to society. Not even just those close to you, you are a blight on the world. That Cloud’s internal trauma is so deeply rooted in this figure of Sephiroth narrows his focus and makes him project all of his fears onto him. It’s no wonder he freezes.
Now, not strictly a PTSD glitch, but it does provoke a very strong reaction from Cloud, and definitely plays into his fears, so I'm gonna include this one on the proviso it's more fear motivated.
This is the moment he sees Tifa stabbed during the VR cut scene. Sephiroth hijacked it to show them meteor, but then he also killed Tifa and then Barret. We know later on that Barret actually dies, so having seen this, Cloud may well relate back to this deep seated fear that he can't save Tifa and she'll die because of him and it'll cause further attacks. This is also a callback to the time in the reactor in Nibelheim when Tifa was stabbed by Sephiroth and Cloud couldn't save her – this ties to the PTSD flashback he had during the reactor 5 mission where he saw Tifa picking up Sephiroth's sword, so it's got precedence to cause him further trauma once he connects the dots. The fact it provokes such a strong emotional response from him – so much so that his entire face changes – I suspect that real!Cloud came out to motivate him to run to her out of the fear he'd just seen her die in front of him – again. The shock and disbelief on his face, the utter heartbreak. His expression changes from SOLDIER!Cloud to real!Cloud in less than 3 seconds. I checked. As a trigger for his trauma, Cloud's fear of losing Tifa pushes him to a lot of things he wouldn't normally do.
This is more of a memory glitch than PTSD since it's tied to the grunt recognising Cloud and calling him out on the false memories he has of being a SOLDIER. He says they went through training together and Cloud's eyes narrow as though he's trying to reconcile a truth against a lie. The truth that real!Cloud was a grunt and SOLDIER!Cloud is a fake.
There's some distress on his face here that links back to the point during the airbuster battle when he first learned about cell degradation. He knows what he believes is true isn't quite right, but he can't figure out why. SOLDIER!Cloud is unaware of the SOLDIER persona he constructed to protect his real self from further trauma. In OG when Cloud finds out – through Sephiroth’s skewed af bullshit – it causes a complete mental break, so real!Cloud's right to be wary of triggering himself because he's not in a good enough place to deal with what he's done to protect himself. He'd blame himself for being even more weak than he thought.
This is more interesting. Usually whenever anyone questions Cloud about his false identity he claims it, while also rejecting it by saying “ex-SOLDIER”, but in Hojo's case, he seems to hesitate, as though part of him knew it would be questioned and wouldn't hold up. Since Hojo's the one who did this to Cloud, it's likely the truth of what happened couldn't be kept back by the SOLDIER lies.
Pained again, Cloud turns his head away, as though he can shut out the truth. Hojo's image glitches for him and it's reminiscent of the OG moment where Cloud confronts Hojo and asks if he can be a proper experiment instead of a failed one (or something like that. I haven't played OG in like 5 years)
The trauma from what Hojo's done is quickly brushed under the carpet thanks to the arrival of the whispers. This is the second time they appear to prevent Cloud learning too much about his past too early. (Dammit, I forgot about deep ground, I'll circle back to it or I'll lose the order for my screenshots)
I'm not including the long corridor walk prompted by Jenova because that's a loading screen and also it happens not because of anything that Cloud experienced in the location, but because the outside influence of Jenova called to him. His only association with Jenova is the infusion of cells, though how he got them does set off attacks. Actually, here's a good point for the deep ground screen.
Preview of zombie Cloud for Mideel anyone? I mean, what can I say? He's totally checked out and it's scary. No wonder he doesn't wanna remember any of it if this is what he was like at the time. Imagine being so doped up with mako that you're not even you any longer? Having experiments carried out on you and god knows what else. Being stuffed in a chamber jammed full of alien dna and left to see what happens.
This is what broke him. I'd say it's similar to the faceless Squall cut scene from the end of FF8. It's chilling. No wonder he crafted an entire persona to protect himself from remembering this.
So this is the culmination of all the other attacks he's had. We get flashback elements from several that threaten to overwhelm Cloud. He's clutching his head. He's in serious pain and can't do anything. He manages to push through and ask if it's really Sephiroth. He then grabs his left arm when it begins to hurt. This is because Sephiroth is left handed. This is also the same arm that had the major infection of geostigma in AC.
Conclusion
Cloud is a messed by puppy and I ship him with therapy.
PTSD is a tricky thing to accurately show, especially in this case when it's not all totally mental illness and there are outside factors that skew how it's portrayed. Part of Sephiroth is within Cloud, though I do suspect it's more of an aspect of his own feelings of self-loating and doubt than it is actually Sephiroth. That's not to say there isn't also a genuine part of Sephiroth within these visions influencing Cloud to do what he wants, but I think it comes down to the context of the moment.
Cloud's been through a lot of shit and fronts like nothing else. He's managed to get away without any kind of vices or coping mechanisms besides this alternate persona that actually does ok in following the real!Cloud's lead when his deeper urges motivate SOLDIER!Cloud into doing things. I mean there's a point where there's a clear debate between the two about dancing for Andrea. All that back and forth eye movement and then the grimace and “fine, for Tifa” expression wasn't necessary if it was just SOLDIER!Cloud.
It's gonna be hard for Cloud to hear that he's not real in the sense that he thinks he is. It's gonna break him. We've got a preview of his scary vacant Mideel look and it's terrifying. Major props to Tifa for refusing to give up on him.
#final fantasy 7 remake spoilers#final fantasy 7 remake analysis#Character analysis#Cloud Strife#Tw: ptsd
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sam stan ask game!!!! @stanfordsams thanks for tagging me!
Sibling status (younger, middle, older, only child…) - Only child!
How long have you been stanning for - I started watching in 2012 and stopped watching after I finally watched s8 on boxset, around 2013/2014 sometime? (I *begged* my dad to take me to Walmart so I could buy it the day it was released) and after binging the whole thing I just... thought it sucked really bad....and started to fall out of the fandom. 2020 slingshotted me back into old obsessions though. I can have a little sam winchester to cope
Favorite Sam era - sam is my baby in every single season BUT hence the URL, i love bitchy sanctimonious grieving psychic awakening sam from s1 SO much. baby faced coconut head bangs king <3
Favorite spn season, but if the only criteria was Sam’s hair - season 2 or 3 definitely. he has a rough patch while it’s growing out for a couple seasons and it finally looks good again in like, season 11, but peak sam is short haired sam. he looks like a lesbian and i love it for him <3
Favorite Sam-centric episode - does croatoan count??? that’s an absolute banger of an episode from start to finish....the codependency....the crying....i love everything about it. if that doesn’t count tho then born under a bad sign, jared is SO good at acting unhinged. honorable mention to playthings, the greatest episode of all time (jirt)
Any ships you may like to mention - samruby. why? genevieve padalecki sexiest woman alive and sam drinking demon blood was his RIGHT he DESERVED a hot girl summer. one of the fundamental reasons i get obsessed with this show is the extremely fucked up character dynamics and samruby really fits the bill
Favorite song you would/have put in a Sam playlist - numb by linkin park............this is so chaotically embarassing of me and i don’t even listen to linkin park anymore but that song is such a sam song, esp around s4/s5, that i have to believe it was written about him only
If you could steal one thing from Sam’s wardrobe, it would be - purple dog shirt!!!! i actually used to own one and outgrew it and when i finally get another stable job i am going to order another one <3 it’s my right as a lesbian and as a s1 sam stan
Complete the sentence: If Sam cishet, why... - if sam cishet, then why unclean in the biblical sense?
Favorite unhinged Sam moment - full on ugly crying-sobbing about having to kill werewolf gf in heart and refusing to let dean do it because she asked *him* to, and how this parallels the season arc of sam begging dean to kill him if he has to
You must have some intense headcanons you need to talk about, tell me one Sam hc that drives you insane - in the spn that lives in my head, sam is a lesbian so....that is my favorite headcanon i love to imagine lesbian sam struggling to put up with misogynistic dean and his femaleness/homosexuality heavily contributing to her feeling of being unclean and fundamentally wrong/sinful. in terms of headcanons that fit the actual show i love how multifaceted we know sam to be, even though we see so little of it on screen -- he’s smart and nerdy but into health and fitness and is kind and compassionate, likes children and animals, etc. when dean dies and sam settles down with his family, he gets & trains a therapy dog (that looks a lot like riot who he had to leave behind with amelia) and takes it to help sick kids in the hospital <3 ALSO after leaving the hunting life he becomes a nurse since he’s basically been a field medic since birth. oh and ALSO he loves to cross-stitch even though his ginormous hands make it hard <3 OK I AM DONE but i could definitely keep going. oh and btw he’s gay and his blurry wife was actually a man. dean jr is the biological son of a hunter that gets killed on a hunt. OK IM DONE FOR REAL
Tell me something about the hbo Sam that lives in your brain - i’m gonna be honest i’ve never seen hbo in my life so i don’t really want to say anything inaccurate but i wish in a more gritty or grimdark version of spn sam’s mental illnesses and his suicidality, disordered eating, etc would have more screentime.
Oh no, the writers forgot to give Jess a personality! Now it’s up to you. Tell me, what was Jess like - I feel like jess was the epitome of an all-american girl. I bet she was raised solidly upper-middle-class with two parents who loved her and had respectable jobs. she has a sister who lives in a different state who she is close with but in a normal way. and part of what sam adores about her is she’s just so...Normal...she’s like his embodiment of his ultimate fantasy and desire to live the American dream. i feel like that’s exactly why demon brady introduces her to sam, because he knows she is sam’s perfect fantasy of an apple pie life. And despite being so Normal she’s supportive, kind, insanely witty, and sees through sam’s defenses and deflections instantly. she knows there is something Wrong About His Life and doesn’t care. even if he can’t tell her the truth about his childhood he knows she would believe and love him if he could tell her, and he loves that about her. she pushes him outside his comfort zone a little bit to make him enjoy college a little bit more and always beats him at any game they try and play. i miss jess and i hope she and sam get to reunite in heaven!!!!
)Biggest injustice Supernatural committed against Sam (be as brief or as ranty as you desire) - i’ve only watched up through the first part of s11 so i don’t know what else bullshit will happen in the course of the show, but as of right now I would say gadreel possession. sam was ready to give up his life to shut the gates of hell and dean stopped him, had gadreel take his form to trick sam into agreeing to be possessed, and then lied/gaslit/emotionally abused sam about it for weeks (months?) and gets extremely upset when sam has the gall to be mad about it. after how much he has suffered being a vessel for lucifer, for having no autonomy over his life at all, this was just so cruel of dean and i’m so mad that the show never lets him get really fucking mad about it!
And finally, just say something about him that makes you smile ♥ - he has so much faith in everything and everyone despite how hard his life has been and how much he has been punished for his faith repeatedly throughout his life. he is a good man who will give himself up for others or the greater good in an instant. and he looks like a very huggable puppy despite being extremely muscular <3 sam is my ultimate comfort character.
i tag, anyone who follows me and wants to do this but hasn’t yet! tag me in your responses so I can read them if you do it <3
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Thoughts and feelings about Pacific Rim 2?
you sure you wanna open up that particular can of worms?
movie review time! be warned i'm not in a good mood as i am shaking in pain, however this review would have been scathing regardless. and none of this is to say pacific rim is perfect, it's not, but... aye, i have no words for the world of difference there. oh wait! i do:
so. first and foremost, i hate it. as both a movie and a sequel. did i find it entertaining? yes, mildly, so i suppose it did its job, however the only thing that keeps me watching it is because, simply, it's part of the pacific rim franchise whether we like it or not. therefore, i squeeze as much salvageable content from it as i can, such as how one might analyze the precursors, how we are to view hermann and newt as characters pre-, during, and post-uprising, what we are to expect from drifting (though this one i take with a grain of salt, there is a whole other rant preserved for the joke of an attempt to develop that shit within the movie)
one of my biggest issues with pacific rim is really simple: it plays out like DeKnight did not watch the first fucking movie or was scrolling through twitter while doing it and decided he'd make a cash grab since the first one was relatively popular. "haha the kaiju were going for mount fuji the whole time!!" bitch no they weren't!!! why the fuck did they end up anywhere near sydney, australia, then!!! why did they turn tail on places like manila and san fran instead of heading straight for japan!!! WHY DID THE ONE THAT WAS IN JAPAN NOT SUCCEED, THERE'S NO WAY WITH THOSE MARK 1 JAEGERS THEY'D HAVE BEEN ABLE TO REASONABLY FIGURE OUT THEIR PLAN AND WHERE THEY WERE GOING IN TIME TO STOP THEM!!! newt literally lays out what they are doing in the first movie and they completely ignored that!!! not to mention, if the destruction from elements found in mount fuji would have been enough to terraform the earth, WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST FUCKING DO THAT WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY ON EARTH AGES AGO??? THERE WERE VOLCANOES WITH THOSE SAME ELEMENTS BEFORE RIGHT NOW, VOLCANOES ARE NOT A RELATIVELY NEW THING EARTH CREATED SUDDENLY AND I WOULD IMAGINE NEITHER ARE THOSE ELEMENTS!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE!!! and.... okay the fucking drones. how did those bitches make breaches??? we know the breach is some result of precursor/kaiju technology, apparently they know the breach's atomic structure as hermann said in the first movie, but how tf some kaiju organs and tech from earth only is ALL it takes to open a breach... illudes and confuses me... why were no more breaches made by the precursors once they realized how long and how many resources it was taking to kill the humans off??? if it's??? shit they could do with simple earth materials + their own biology??? they could have ended things much faster??? shit just doesn't add up, idk, that was Vague and Annoyed Me
and the jaegers.... were....... strange? the fight scenes were so underwhelming, i could count on one hand the number of maneuvers—NOT SCENES, MANEUVERS—i thought were badass and moved well. their fighting was confusing and paced really weird and some of the moves they pulled... don't... work like that... like some of those scenes were just hand-to-hand combat but in big robot form and they didn't sit right with me at all.
and the characters......... oh my word, the characters. look: i love jake pentecost with all of my heart and soul and john boyega's beautiful acting just barely saves the movie from its poor writing. i do love him as a character. but can someone explain to me why in the world they thought it was a good idea to make the only black guy a black market thief/runner, deep-record criminal with daddy and authority issues, and who they dare try to play off as some kind of lazy??? they made him every stereotype they could and said "yeah let's go with that". i'm- aaaaaaaaaaaaaa and what was with the child soldiers??? ROBOCOPS?????? mako....... character assassination at its worst........ my baby......... but the movie was paced so GOD DAMN POORLY I GOT BORED AND LITERALLY MISSED HER DYING THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED IT. and i couldn't tell you the names of half of those poor damn kids, i really couldn't. and can i also say they killed off one of the only two darker skinned kids?? like y'all???? the other darker skinned kids (one of the children i can't remember the names of because it was uttered ONCE in the entire movie or some shit) didn't even GET characterization. my whole heart goes out to her and those other underdeveloped fucks. speaking of...... i am ashamed about jules. from the movie that brought us the mako mori test, they threw in a girl simply for the sake of some shitty, awkward, and unexplained love triangle between jake and White Angst without much else to put to her name. she deserved better. amara was... a decent shot, but very hit or miss because of the writing. i, personally, am very neutral about her leaning towards liking her, but i know people who swing love and who swing hate. liwen was like,,,, they tried really hard to make her unlikable at the beginning because "oh no, she must be the villain! GOTTEM plot twist!!!" and then suddenly she's no longer. threatening everyone except newt. idk i feel like they leaned to heavily one way and i got whiplash when she's actually another but there was nothing to... portray that. at all. i do like her character, and that says a lot because they got me to sympathize with a capitalist without actually regretting it later, but there could/should have been More there. she was powerful, though, in multiple different aspects, and we saw that from her CONSISTENTLY and i 😳🥵👀💕 mako mori test pass for her
now, let's talk about hermann (and by extention, newton, however he'll be getting a section all his own the rat bastard). that man is one of the single instances of decent cross-movie characterization i saw in the whole god damn film. the idea that he takes on newton's roles, that he is more outspoken for himself, that he is just slightly more unhinged after his drift with newton: THAT is on point. he's himself, you can see it, you still know that he's hermann with ever step, but there's something that has shifted in him in those 10 years and it's good without being too much. the "i still get nightmares" scene, the way he presents himself, that scene gives me chills because god bless burn gorman and his acting ability. every face and intonation of his voice is just wonderful and i think his performance was great for what he was given. king shit.
the biggest disappointment of my life came in the form of a kaiju vest wearing bitch at work. at his corporate job. as a boss. for a tech company that undermines all of his and, frankly, hermann's work over their lifetimes. 10 years older and exaggerated to the teeth. newton "move you fascist" geiszler. let me preface this by stating for all to see that i do not hate the idea of newton being the villain. story wise it was a bold move and there was something possible there. BUT THE IMPLICATION THAT ONE OF THE MOST OBVIOUSLY NEURODIVERGENT CHARACTERS IN THE WHOLE FUCKING FRANCHISE, ESPECIALLY GIVEN THAT HE HAS BEEN CHARACTERIZED AS HAVING A "BORDERLINE MANIC PERSONALITY" AKA HAVING ONE OF THE MOST DEMONIZED MENTAL ILLNESSES OUT THERE, ENDS UP ACTING AS THE GOD DAMN VILLAIN OF THE STORY IS A HOT GARBAGE TAKE WHEN YOU FACTOR IN THINGS LIKE POOR WRITING NOT MAKING IT CLEAR WHETHER OR NOT NEWTON IS EVEN IN CONTROL OF HIS OWN FACULTIES AND THE VAGUENESS OF "WILL HE BE 'REDEEMED' OR NOT" BEING UP IN THE AIR LIKELY NEVER TO BE CANONICALLY FUCKING ANSWERED BECAUSE BECKHAM AND DEKNIGHT SHAT OUT A MOVIE THAT BOMBED IN THE BOX OFFICE. we aren't even gonna TALK about the fact that this bitch got AWAY with it despite not even acting in a remotely stable way comparable to himself in the first movie in the 10 years he supposedly dropped off the map from all of his friends because, clearly, hermann hadn't seen him or he wouldn't be so excited with a picture of the two of them on his desk, nor would he have to tell newton about his idea for rocket thrusters with kaiju blood fuel because he would have simply written to him about it. for some strange reason people see his ass show up decked out in a suit he wouldn't even wear for Stacker Fucking Pentecost and a behavior of "Haha Gotta Listen To The Boss" and think "ah, yes, well, time changes a person. THIS BITCH HAS APPARENTLY BEEN LIKE THIS THE WHOLE TIME, YOU THINK HE GOT A JOB WITH LIWEN LOOKING AND ACTING LIKE HE DID BEFORE AND THERE WAS A SHIFT OVER TIME? NO, HE HAD TO HAVE CHANGED IN A SPLIT DECISION AND LIED ABOUT HIMSELF THROUGH HIS TEETH AND NO ONE CONTACTED HIM, OR WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM, OR DECIDEDLY THOUGHT "YOU KNOW, HE MAY BE EMBOLDENED THAT HE SAVED THE WORLD, BUT I THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD HAVE THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT ON HIM AND HE WOULD DO HIS BEST TO AMPLIFY HIS CURRENT STANDING TRAITS. LISTENING TO AND KISSING THE BOOT OF AUTHORITY FIGURES? DIVORCING HIMSELF FROM HIS WORK WITH KAIJU XENOBIOLOGY THAT EVEN HERMANN PICKED UP? TO BECOME THE THING HE HATES? AND FOR WHAT? MONEY? FAME? BITCH WHO ARE YOU?" unreasonable. ridiculous attempt to do this just for a plot twist that was underwhelming at best. i've decided to stick to the fan theory that he was not in control 99% of the time but literally that movie causes such a hellfire path to appear in my wake as i think about it because i know people who don't take it like that and think newt wants what's happening because "haha horny kaiju man" and i wish to scream at the top of my lungs because this is exactly WHY you CANNOT spare ANY EXPENSE to the GOOD, PROPER, INTRICATE directing and writing of a character who is neurodivergent and also ONE OF THE CENTERS OF NOT JUST THE MOVIE YOU'RE WRITING, BUT THE FUCKING MOVIE AFTER THAT. i could go on but i sincerely don't fucking want to, despite how long i've been waiting for someone to willingly hear me out on all of this. all i'll say is if by some miracle they are greenlit for a third film and deknight's working on it and i see ANY sign of a bury your gays end for newt, i'm going to commit the first hate crime against a cishet white male.
to end, the only valid kaiju in that movie was the mega-kaiju, i don't remember the appearance or the names of the three that got through the breaches but the mega-kaiju could kill me and i'd die happy 🥰 beautiful design, that scale comparison when it came face to face with newt? amazing, chills, *chef's kiss* there are exactly two things i liked about uprising and that bitch is one of them.
sorry if this isn't what you wanted, but as i said i am in a bit of a bad mood and have been curled up in bed trying not to think that i'm dying and i've repressed all of this for a couple months now and very few people have actually heard PORTIONS of my frustration so. here it is.
#rowboat speaks#i'm gonna go puke now#or just. fall asleep on the bathroom floor or something.#pacific rim#pacific rim uprising
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controversial opinions?
Cold pizza actually not good. Tastes like angry bacteria.
There’s a completely separate class of gay men who are in a different, rainbow-tinted plane of reality from the rest of us and I don’t like them. They push for “acceptance” via commercialization of the Pride movement, assimilation through over-exposure, and focus on sexualizing the movement to be “provocative” and writing annoying articles that reek of class privilege instead of something actually important like lgbtqa youth homelessness, job discrimination, and mental health awareness.
Coleslaw is good. You guys just suck in the kitchen.
Generational divides ARE real: a 16-year-old and a 60-year-old right now in 2021 could agree on every hot button sociopolitical topic and yet not even realize it because they communicate in entirely different ways.
Sam Wilson is a power bottom. No I will not elaborate.
Allison’s makeover in The Breakfast Club good, not bad. She kept literally and metaphorically dumping her trash out onto the table and it’s clearly a cry for help. Having the attention and affection of a smart, pretty girl doing her makeup for her was sweet and helped her open up to new experiences. Not every loner wants to BE a loner (see: Bender, who is fine being a lone wolf).
Movie/show recommendations that start with a detailed “representation” list read like status-effecting gear in an RPG and it’s actually a turn-off for me. I have to force myself to give something a try in spite of it.
Yelling at people to just “learn a new language” because clearly everyone who isn’t you and your immediate vicinity of friends must be a lazy ignorant white American is so fucking stupid, like I get it, you’re mad someone doesn’t immediately know how to pronounce your name or what something means. But I know 2 languages and am struggling with a 3rd when I can between 2 jobs and quite frankly, I don’t have the time to just absorb the entire kanji system into my brain to learn Japanese by tomorrow night, or suddenly learn Arabic or Welsh. There are 6500 recorded languages in the world, what’s the chance that one of 3 I’ve learn(ed?) is the one you’re yelling at me about. Yes this is referring to that post yelling at people for not knowing how to pronounce obscure Irish names and words. Sometimes just explaining something instead of admonishing people for not knowing something inherently in the belief that everyone must be lazy entitled privileged people is uh... better?
Stop fucking yelling at people. I despise feeling like someone is yelling at me or scolding me, it triggers my Violence Mode, you don’t run me, you are not God, fuck off. Worst fucking way to "educate” people, it just feels good in the moment to say or write and doesn’t help. Yes I’ve done it before.
Violence is good actually.
Characters doing bad things ≠ an endorsement of bad things. Characters doing bad things that are unquestioned by the entire rest of the cast = endorsement of bad things, or at the least, a power fantasy by the creator. See: Glee, in which Sue’s awfulness is constantly called out, while Mr. Shue’s awfulness rarely is because he’s “the hero.” See also: the Lightbringer series, in which the protagonist is a violent manipulator who is praised as clever, charming, diplomatic, and genius by every supporting character (enemies included), despite the text never demonstrating such.
Euphoria is good, actually. It falls into this niche of the past decade of “dark gritty teen shows” but actually has substance behind it, but the general vibe I get from passive-aggressive tumblr posts from casual viewers is that this show is The Devil, and the criticism of its racier content screams pearl-clutching “what about the children??” to me.
Describing all diagnosed psychopaths as violent criminals is a damaging slippery slope, sure. But I won’t be mad at anyone for inherently distrusting another human who does not have the ability to feel guilt and remorse, empathy, is a pathological liar, or proves to be cunning and manipulative.
It’s actually not easy to unconditionally support and love everyone everywhere when you’ve actually experienced the World. Your perspective and values will be challenged as you encounter difficult people, experience hardship, are torn between conflicting ideas and commitments, and fail. My vow to never ever call the cops on another black person was challenged when an employee’s boyfriend marched into the kitchen OF AN ESTABLISHMENT to scream at her, in a BUSINESS I MANAGED, and threaten to BEAT the SHIT out of her. Turns out I can hate cops and hate that motherfucker equally, I am more than capable of both.
Defending makeup culture bad, actually. Enjoy it, experiment, master it, but don’t paint it as something other than upholding exactly what they want from you. Even using makeup to “defy the heteropatriarchal oppressors!” is still putting cash in their pockets, no matter how camp...
Not every villain needs to be redeemed, some of you just never outgrew projecting yourself onto monsters and killers.
Writing teams and networks queerbaiting is not the same as individuals queerbaiting. Nick Jonas performing exclusively at gay clubs to generate an audience really isn’t criminal; if they paid to go see him, that’s on them, he didn’t promise anyone anything other than music and a show. Do not paint this as similar to wealthy, bigoted executives and writing teams trying to snatch up the LGBTQA demographic with vague ass marketing and manipulative screenplays, only to cop out so as not to alienate their conservative audiences. And ESPECIALLY when the artists/actors/creators accused of queerbaiting or lezploitation then come out as queer in some form later on.
Queer is not a bad word, and I’ve no clue how that remains one of few words hurled at LGBTQA people that can’t be reclaimed. It’s so archaic and underused at this point that I don’t get the reaction to it compared to others.
People who defend grown-woman Lorelai Gilmore’s childish actions and in the same breath heavily criticize teenage religious abuse victim Lane Kim’s actions are not to be trusted. Also Lane deserved better.
Keep your realism out of my media, or at least make it tonally consistent. Tired of shows and movies and books where some gritty, dark shit comes out of nowhere when the narrative was relatively Romantic beforehand.
Actually people should be writing characters different from themselves, this new wave in the past year of “If you aren’t [X] you shouldn’t be writing [X]” is a complete leap backward from the 2010s media diversity movement. And if [X] has to do with an invisible minority status (not immediately visible disabilities, or diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, persecuted religious affiliations, mental illness) it’s actually quite fucked up to assume the creator can’t be whatever [X] is or to demand receipts or details of someone’s personal life to then grant them “permission” to create something. I know, we’re upset an actual gay actor wasn’t casted to play this gay character, so let’s give them shit about it: and not lose a wink of sleep when 2 years later, this very actor comes out and gives a detailed account of the pressure to stay closeted if they wanted success in Hollywood.
Projecting an actor’s personal romantic life and gender identity onto the characters they play is actually many levels of fucked up, and not cute or funny. See: reinterpreting every character Elliot Page has played through a sapphic lens, and insulting his ability to play straight characters while straight actors play actual caricatures of us (See also: Jared Leto. Fuck him).
I’m fucking sick of DaBaby, he sucks. “I shot somebody, she suck my peepee” that’s 90% of whatever he raps about.
“Political Correctness” is not new. It was, at one point, unacceptable to walk into a fine establishment and inform the proprietor that you love a nice firm pair of tits in your face. 60 years ago, such a statement would get you throw out and possibly arrested under suspicion of public intoxication. But then something happened and I blame Woodstock and Nixon. And now I have to explain to a man 40 years my senior that no, you can’t casually mention to the staff here, many of whom are children, how you haven’t had a good fuck in a while. And then rant about the “Chinese who gave us the virus.” Can’t be that upset with them if you then refused to wear your mask for 20 minutes.
Triggering content should not have a blanket ban; trigger warnings are enough, and those who campaign otherwise need to understand the difference between helping people and taking away their agency. 13 Reasons Why inspired this one. Absolutely shitty show, sure, but it’s a choice to watch it knowing exactly what it contains.
Sasuke’s not a fucking INTJ, he’s an ISFP whose every decision is based off in-the-moment feelings and proves incapable of detailed and logical planning to accomplish his larger goals.
MCU critique manages to be both spot-on and pointless. Amazing stories have been told with these characters over the course of decades; but most of it is toilet paper. Expecting a Marvel movie to be a deeply detailed examination of American nationalism and imperialism painted with a colorful gauze of avant-garde film technique is like expecting filet mignon from McDonalds. Scarf down your quarter pounder or gtfo.
Disparagingly comparing the popularity and (marginal) success of BLM to another movement is anti-black. It is not only possible but also easy to ask for people’s support without throwing in “you all supported BLM for black people but won’t show support for [insert group]” how about you keep our name out your mouth? Black people owe the rest of the world nothing tbh until yall root out the anti-blackness in your own communities.
It is the personal demon/tragic flaw of every cis gay/bi/pan man to externalize and exorcize Shame: I’m talking about the innate compulsion to Shame, especially in the name of Pride and Progress. Shame for socioeconomic “success,” shame for status of outness, shame for fitness and health, shame for looks, shame for style and dress, shame for how one fits into the gender binary, shame for sexual positions and intimacy preferences, shame for fucking music tastes. Put down the weapon that They used to beat you. Becoming the Beater is not growth, it’s the worst-case scenario.
Works by minorities do not have to be focused on their marginalized identities. Some ladies want to ride dragons AND other ladies. The pressure on minorities to create the Next Great Minority Character Study that will inevitably get snuffed at the Oscars/Peabody Awards is some bullshit when straight white dudes walk around shitting out mediocre screenplays and books.
Canadians can stfu about how the US is handling COVID-19 actually. Love most of yall, but the number of Canadian snowbirds on vacation (VACATION??? VA.CAT.ION.) in the supposed “hotbed” of my region that I’ve had to inform our mask policies and social distancing to is ASTOUNDING. Incroyable! I guess your country has a sizable population of entitled, privileged, inconsiderate, wealthy, and ignorant people making things difficult for everyone, just like mine :)
No trick to eliminate glasses fog while wearing my mask has worked, not a single one, it actually has affected my job and work speed and is incredibly frustrating, and I have to deal with it and pretend it’s not a problem while still encouraging others to follow the rules for everyone’s safety and the cognitive dissonance is driving me insane.
It’s really really really not anti-Japanese... to be uncomfortable with the rampant pedophilia in manga and anime, and voice this. I really can’t compare western animation’s sneakier bullshit with pantyshots of a 12-year-old girl.
Most of the people in the cottagecore aesthetic/tag have zero interest in all the hard work that comes with maintaining an isolated property in the countryside, milking cows and tending crops before sunrise, etc. And that’s okay? They just like flowers and pretty pottery and homemade pastries. Idk where discourse about this came from.
You think mint chip ice-cream tastes like toothpaste because you’re missing a receptor that can distinguish the flavors, and that sucks for you. It’s a sort of “taste-blindness” that can make gum spicy to some while others can eat a ghost pepper without crying.
Being a spectacle for the oppressive class doesn’t make them respect us, it makes them unafraid of us. This means they continue to devour us, but without fear of our retaliation.
Only like 4 people on tumblr dot com are actually prepared for the full ramifications of an actual revolution. The rest of you just really imprinted onto Katniss, or grew up in the suburbs.
Straight crushes are normal. They’re people first, sexual orientation second. Can’t always know.
The road to body positivity is not easy, especially if what you desire is what you aren’t.
You’re actually personally responsible for not voluntarily bringing yourself into an environment that you know is not fit for you unless you have the resolve to manage it. Can’t break a glass ceiling without getting a few cuts. This one’s a shoutout to my homophobic temp coworkers who decided working a venue with a drag show would be a good idea. This is also is a shoutout to people who want to make waves but are surprised when the boat tips. And also a shoutout to people who—wait that’s it’s own controversial opinion hold up.
Straight people can and should stay the fuck out of gay bars and queer spaces. “yoUrE bEInG diVisiVe” go fuck yourself.
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Outdated Psychiatry Whump?
I was watching some documentaries about old psychiatric hospitals, asylums if you will, and all their horrific treatments, and was thinking, this could make for some good whumpy opportunities. Before I start, I'm of course no doctor or historian, just a fascinated writer who enjoys her whump. 😉
Onto some elements:
Blood letting - definitely archaic, believing that draining one's blood would remove whatever demons plagued them or what have you.
Hyrdro therapy - this came in so many forms. Douse your whumpee in cold water, wrap them in layers of cold soaked sheets, or force them into a prolonged hot bath. The intentions were to calm and/or stimulate the patient.
Hot boxes - other forms of temperature therapy also were used, such as enclosing a patient in a box heated by bright lamps.
Restraints - we've got the classic straight jacket, being strapped to a chair, leather wristlets, and even some nasty coffin sized metal cages.
Induced high fevers - because the fevers was shown to cure syphilis in some, a psychiatrist decided you could roast out mental illness too. He even won a Nobel Prize for it! I don't think your whumpee is gonna be thinking it's deserving of any prize when they are injected with malaria.
Insulin therapy - patients were injected with insulin to eat up all their blood sugar, putting them in an unpleasant coma. They'd eventually be given glucose to wake up, but yeah.
Metrazol - this caused really intense seizures. In one account I read, the patient thought they were going to die each treatment. Also posed a high risk for broken bones. And fractured spines.
Shock Therapy - this is a classic, also with an aim to cause convulsions. In its heyday, it was rarely performed with anaesthetic.
Lobotomies - another infamous one. Performed rarely with precision and with varying effects. And could leave 'dents' on a patient's head from where the hole was made in the skull. Or you can go for the classic through-the-eye. For a slighly more modern and precise variation, inserting an electrode into the brain to burn part of it.
New drugs - maybe your whumpee is being used to trial or test a new medication... A lot of psychiatric research went on within asylums. The effects could certainly be questionable.
We can find some other good stuff in the environment too. Is the asylum over crowded? Or maybe your whumpee has been confined to isolation. How about the staff? Are they cruel? Brutal? Or maybe there's a single nurse who's actually nice to your whumpee.
And why is your whumpee in there? It seems many asylum patients were people who would be regular members of society today, such as committed for things such as depression, or a small violent outburst. There were possibly even cases of unwantedness, parents who didn't want to deal with a 'difficult' child, or etc. Or your whumpee could have a more debilitating mental illness. In any case, your whumpee won't be okay after some time spent locked away.
Or what if they were committed for something more super natural. Maybe your whumpy is possessed. Or has some kind of power that society doesn't understand.
And that's what I've got for now! Please add on some ideas!
#whump#whump prompts#whump prompt#whumpee#whump writing#whumpblr#asylum#tw torture#tw injections#tw asylum
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Review of Joker 2019 by someone with Psychosis
Joker 2019 is a critically acclaimed movie that came out in late 2019, however, I have some problems with how Psychosis was portrayed in the movie. So what was good? What was bad?
The Good-
The movie is strikingly Beautiful. There are several parallels to earlier points, and it gets straight up poster worthy near the end.
It does properly show Anxiety and Depression, and not in a negative light.
Medication is, at first at least, not portrayed as a "fix it all".
It also properly shows how underfunded and mishandled mental health facilities can be.
Also Arthur (The Joker), gets hit by cars three times during the movie. The first one was supposed to be sad, but the other two just felt relieving after all the shit he's pulled.
Now onto the Bad.
First, the Story
From a story perspective, It is never clear if you are supposed to like Arthur or not. Whether you are supposed to agree with him or not. There's not even a specific "His ideas are right but his execution is flawed." Instead, the movie tends to flip flop between him being unlikeable, scary, and wrong, to a victim, sympathetic, and even right. There is no clear logic about how you're supposed to feel about him, and it comes across as a lazy attempt to write a morally grey character.
Secondly, Framing.
Horror Music is often played during the moments where Arthur's psychosis is discussed. This is most noticeable in an early scene where Arthur sees his Therapist, and his Journal is brought up. He doesn't show it right away, and he starts laughing and bouncing his leg. This is clearly setting up the scene to be viewed as a frightening moment for the audience, and the payoff...? Arthur shows his journal and it has a joke about him being suicidal.
Horror music is also played during a clear psychotic break where he starts to have the hallucination/delusion, and his handwriting is messy and erratic.
Horror Music, for the last time, is played during the moment that the delusion is revealed, and Arthur has broken into his "love interest's" house. It is left vague if he killed her or not.
At best, this is a misstep in trying to make him sympathetic by using ill fitting music, or, at worst, this is a clear attempt to make these moments frightening, by use of sound design.
Thirdly, Inaccurate Symptoms.
There is *one* good delusion scene , and it is at the beginning. Arthur has a delusion about him being noticed and of importance to the talk show host of a show he enjoys. It is clear that this is a fantasy, and the delusion is of being important to this host.
The rest of the delusions? Painful to watch in their execution. Mainly the one about his love interest. The hallucinations are way too clear and human. They speak like a person, they interact like a person, and there isn't any difference between them and the actual person until the end. This is likely done to prevent people from seeing the twist until the end, however, this would have worked better if they made it clear these were fantasies, and not actually happening. Instead they go the Hallucination route, where she is a Hallucination the whole time. This makes less sense, and is inaccurate to how hallucinations actually work.
Another inaccuracy to these delusions is that they are not distressing. They do not cause Arthur any mental stress, and, if anything, they are shown to be GOOD as long as they last. Delusions are scary as hell to the person experiencing them, but it is instead shown as scary to everyone around them. There is even a scene where the hallucination encourages Arthur's homicidal behavior. Can you get any more stereotypical?
Fourth, Psychosis is used to mean Abusive
His mother is mentally ill with Delusional Psychosis and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Slight aside, NPD is a highly stigmatized disorder of it's own, and is often blamed for abuse. In most cases, people with NPD are abuse victims, and are often actually at risk of being manipulated, which makes this worse.) She adopts Arthur, who was abandoned, and, due to her delusions, is unable to prevent her son from being abused. It is important to stress here, she is, at the same time, being physically abused by the same person.
And the movie says?
It's her fault.
First off, if this happened, CPS should have taken Arthur away from BOTH parents, and put him in foster care again.
Secondly, Arthur does not come to this conclusion himself. It is laid out, in hospitalization forms, that it is her fault. And the movie, does not argue against it. It's supposed to be another nail in Arthur's coffin. Another person who hurt him, and another awful person in the world. In the movie's world, Arthur is not made out to be in the wrong for this, and neither is the hospital, or the police, or the news papers that cover the story as "Woman lets her son be abused".
Yes, neglect, and failure to protect a child is abuse, however, it is wrong to paint a mentally ill abuse victim, as completely responsible. There is no similar consequences for the main abuser, who perpetrated all these crimes against Arthur and his Mom. We do not hear his name, we are not told if he is alive or dead, and we do not even hear if he has been arrested.
Fifth, Mental Illness as demonized, and as a prop.
In the hospital scene where Arthur gets his mom's paperwork, there is a patient writhing, strapped to a bed. The situation is not at all portrayed as wrong, just the patient, who is specifically put there in order to cause unease in the audience.
When Arthur kills his former colleague, he tells him that he is off his meds and he feels great. And then he kills him. This perpetuates the stereotype that Mentally Ill people off their medication, are dangerous. We'll just ignore the horrible side effects Anti-Psychotics have (Especially in the time frame, 1980s, that this is shown in), and just say "Medication good, Unmedicated People Dangerous"
Arthur is also shown as being just seconds away from "snapping" and killing people at any moment. I should not have to explain why showing your mentally ill character like this is a bad thing.
The Psychotic Breaks are always shown as Freeing to Arthur, and dangerous to everyone else. Once again. Not how it works.
There is also the "What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that doesn't care" scene, where the punchline is that he shoots the talk show host and says "You get what you fucking deserve"
While this could be an attempt at saying that Mentally Ill people not being taken care of leads to undesirable outcomes, it just ends up coming across as "If we don't treat the mentally ill, they will become violent and kill people"
Then there the whole idea that none of this would have happened if Arthur wasn't given a gun.
Thank you for the blatant scapegoating of Mentally Ill people for murders. We are more likely to be victims than the general populace, and no more likely to commit crimes.
Lastly.
They used a pedophile's music for their most iconic scene, the dance down the stairway that Arthur is often seen walking up in his lowest moments. Even if the Pedophile was not paid royalties for his work in the movie, people who were fans of this scene will seek his music out, and possibly buy it without knowing.
Don't use a pedophile's music in your movie.
In Conclusion
Joker sets out to be a movie about Mental Illness while doing the absolute bare Minimum to actually portray it accurately. Much of this could have been cleared up by research and talking to people affected by the disorder. It fails both as an attempt to make a morally grey character, and in being an accurate portrayal of the mentally ill.
3 out of 100 stars, one star for each time Arthur got hit by a car.
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