#this is a weird thing for me to be losing my shit over but i am foaming at the moutht htat episdoe is so weird and i fucking love it so muc

[ladylucksrogue]

I was going to wait til Monday to post a bit of this, you know for mental health Monday but I decided to roll with it now.

I don’t post a lot of real life things here because this tends to be my little fandom safe space where I love posting my fandom messiness and thirsting over clones and posting my fanfic.  But I have noticed a lot of peeps that I interact with are going through a rough patch.  Post Holiday blues, January blues…something.  It’s rough out there, especially in the real world.

Went through a bit of a slump myself.  Prior to the holidays, I did up my writing plan for all my WIPs.  It was very…ambitious for lack of a better word.  Like damn, I know I can write a lot in a session but we’re talking like a fic a day and that…just hasn’t happened.  So, when I missed a couple days of writing, I was hard on myself.  I hold myself to impossible standards sometimes and forget to give myself space.  

I was pretty hungover on January 1st, the wine got to me a bit more than usual and I just wasn’t feeling writing at all, though I did push myself to write a few words.  I was able to post my New Years story a couple days later but I remember posting and thinking this is shit.  This isn’t your usual, though it’s not terrible in retrospect.  I just…it got to me.  So instead of following my crazy plan I focused on some drabbles and doing Whumpuary, which is thankfully every other day, so it gives me a bit of space.  I have been working on my next installment of my fix-it, which the first scene is light hearted and it’s been fun but slow going.

Had a bit of an epiphany a couple days ago, because of a comment someone said.  And it sent me into a bit of a tail spin.  An angry tailspin that my hubby had to catch the brunt of.  He is fabulous though and just rolls with it, lets me rant and knows that I’ll feel better for it.  Someone in our extended friends group cracked a joke about me not working yet and how I’m just enjoying sitting around at home.  It was meant to be light hearted but it hit wrong on so many levels.

I lost my job last year due to a company restructuring.  It was sudden and I was really angry at the circumstances of it.  And more importantly, because it was the second job I had lost in two years to no fault of my own.  But I still gave myself the fault in all of it.  There was a time where I really struggled to hold down a job for a variety of reasons after I got out of the military, and every time something like this happens, it digs up a bunch of stuff from then…

But the fact of the matter is, since losing my job a lot has happened healthwise and I am actually on disability.  As of right now, I can’t work.  It’s something that has been a long time coming and the timing just happened to work out.  At the same time, people who know react one of two ways, oh but you’re fine, you don’t look sick, why can’t you work, or they start on some BS about must be nice, etc.  I won’t even start on the whole who is deserving and mooching off the government stuff, because I will just make myself upset.

It isn’t nice.  For someone who has worked all their life, I would much rather go to work every day than sit at home.  Weird but true.  And I feel doubt and second guess this and wonder if I can go to work and all this is just me being weak, etc.

Comments like that from people don’t help at all.  And then it happened, the moment of clarity…because usually I’m fine on most days.  And then I was working on a scene, got up to make myself some coffee and I had a moment.  There was a sound in my apartment, no clue what it was, but it set something off in my head and for a good moment, I had this really disorienting moment of not really knowing where I was, like half in a memory and half in the present and trying to sort it.  It’s happened before.  I have PTSD, an autoimmune condition, and a whole list of things, so the amount of times something has gone wrong suddenly is long.  But I’m standing there at my kettle like nearly going into a panic attack and managed to calm myself down and sort what happened.  Had this happened at work, I would have had to go sit somewhere for a bit, wasting work time to pull myself out of it and then pretend to be productive for the rest of the day.  Because, in the immediate aftermath of this, after I calmed down, I was dizzy and exhausted and just done.  No energy left.

And the fact that I was home allowed me to go take a nap for a couple hours and reset so to speak, which is probably the best and most effective way I have found in dealing with a PTSD attack.  It works for me personally better than any med they have given me.  Can’t do that working.  Not to mention, if someone is next to you when stuff like this happens, most people are not willing to understand.  You are immediately judged and ostracized (in my experience) because you do not fit into society’s mold.  

But after all this, it made me realize that I need to give myself a bit of grace.  To allow myself moments to feel bad.  To focus on myself and be accepting.  I think it is a big part of self-care we all forget.  Like even people that don’t have medical conditions or diagnoses need to remember.  We all cannot be perfect and productive always.  Sometimes we need a break.  We need to allow ourselves that.

Especially during this time of year, when stress is high and people are frustrated.  We just all need to give ourselves a pat on the back, take things a day at a time and practice a little acceptance.  Like if we finish that chapter or art or whatever in a day, that is fantastic.  On other days we might not do much of anything, and that is ok too.

This is in no way a message saying I am taking a break btw, so no worries! To those who follow my writing, I am here and writing, just on my own time. So at times, I'll probably post a bunch at once and other times, it'll be a bit slow going. Also, keep asks and interactions coming, absolutely keeps me sane and happy to keep interacting!

[mumblesplash]

the fact that doctors can just Recommend Weight Loss with no instructions beyond ‘eat healthier/less’ is actually insane to me, i lost weight on purpose ONCE and it took me like 6 years to recover a semi-normal relationship with food and hunger

[lincolnlogsnfrogs]

i literally love dark harvest so much i love that fucked up chase scene i love that damn pigeon and i especially love how fast dib goes from "omg i wanna move in with zim and wear his clothes ;3 (no homo tho lol)" to "oH dEAR gOD hE'S iN tHE vENTS" i will cherish this beautiful nightmare forever

[rotisseries]

chapters 51 and 58 of bloodmarked are absolutely CARRYING bree/nick/selwyn polyamory truthers

[ragnars-tooth]

One of my big compulsions is taking a fuck ton of screenshots Just In Case a piece of information is important in like 4 years and I can't remember it (sometimes the information is an instagram post that I might not remember later and of course needs to be recorded everywhere (I will Not be looking at that again)) so today is my transfer 16000 images off my phone admin day (woo)

Like yeah I never looked at any of them and they were completely irrelevant to my daily life, But what if I need them ✨️ later ✨️ (you'll see that the idea of Later is doing a lot of heavy lifting here) OR what if there's a vital piece of information in the mix somewhere that I'll lose forever if I delete them? So: onto the external hard drive they go

This is one of those cases where. Yeah. Ideally I wouldn't take 16000 screenshots in half a year. And YEAH ideally I'd just delete them and not transfer them somewhere else to never look at again. BUT at least I get a clean slate and I can maybe not mindlessly save everything for 2 seconds. It's like. Small wins? Progress. Yknow.

[lover-of-mine]

You know, my whole thing with believing Eddie fell first and Buck will inevitably fall harder comes back a lot to the way I think people misuse the trope. A fell first/B fell harder for me was never about the actual intensity of the feeling but more about how the characters handle it. A has been feeling it for longer so they know how to contain it better than B, because usually B is hit with it in a way they can't hide it, which I personally think is the most fun interpretation of it all. You can play with canon and say Eddie has been aware of something as early as the tsunami, even if I believe he named the feeling during the shooting, so it's really easy to make Eddie look like he's been coming to terms with his feelings for a while. You can very easily put intent behind Eddie's feelings going back as far as stuck. To be the one who fell first you need a level of awareness of your own feelings that Buck just simply does not have. Sure you can play with the idea of Buck feeling some form of attraction for Eddie since they met, but Buck is bad at identifying feelings, so you can't really give him the "I'm at peace with my feelings" thing as easily as you can with Eddie. Because, personally, I think Buck took what was definitely a crush and labeled it as admiration and never looked at it again, because Buck is scared of defining things because he exists in fear of being abandoned. If he doesn't look at it, he can't want it, if he doesn't want it, it can't be taken away. He has a very specific way of looking at love that will make him never look too closely at what he and Eddie have. But that also means that if he ever does catch up, it will be bursting out of him in a way he can't control. Because Buck never dealt with big feelings, so that would hit him hard. And also because Buck feels things in a big way, so it would take over. If Buck knew, it's not the type of thing you can miss. But Eddie is really good at pretending things aren't there which makes it easier for him to act as if the romantic side of his feelings for Buck won't matter in the grand scheme of things. I don't really think Eddie is at peace with his feelings, mostly because I don't think Eddie has ever felt at peace about anything ever, but also because I think the cemetery made him think no amount of waiting is gonna get Buck on the same page as him and he doesn't want to ask for it and risk being wrong, so the easiest route is to pretend it's not there, even more considering he thinks he's watching Buck fall in love with someone else, so he needs to find peace with whatever he can get. So Eddie doesn't think Buck can feel the same, leading him to not ask for what he wants, and Buck just doesn't know how to name it.

Anyway you should read my Eddie fell first essay.

[ajxrn-archive]

I need to be put in a waffle iron or something

[blupengu]

Y’all is Hollow Knight hard or do I just suck because oh my god??

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I fucking HATE how the fandom treats m.ine. it's so bad 😭

[butchlifeguard]

attention spans dont real lmao. nothing about the condition or support needs of yr adhd can be measured by measuring yr attention span because the nature of adhd is that attention span is incredibly variable. this is bc adhd is characterized by dopamine seeking behavior and not just a timer until we get bored and go on our phones

[the-acid-pear]

Why did my cooking dream get hijacked by my brain making a William Afton oc and au what was that about.

[fingertipsmp3]

Someone needs to put me down like a sick dog

[arcadequeerz]

Oh mind electric we're really in it now.

[the-kipsabian]

.

[lanayrutower]

i'm about to throw hands with this yt poll.

this is the zelda version of that twitter butch post to me.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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