#and so few people talk about the really weird shit that phase of my life taught me even though they seem like pretty universal things

[mumblesplash]

the fact that doctors can just Recommend Weight Loss with no instructions beyond ‘eat healthier/less’ is actually insane to me, i lost weight on purpose ONCE and it took me like 6 years to recover a semi-normal relationship with food and hunger

[sorcerous-caress]

Worldbuilding and human kink? Is it my birthday /lh. This has me googling “halfling sex” and being a little surprise someone has thought about it enough to write a generously large paragraph.

Apparently it’s not uncommon for them to have more casual sex with close neighbors and friends indulging in it together. I genuinely think it would be hilarious for a halfling with a human, elf, drow, orc, dwarf, etc (the more uptight races) friend/neighbor to ‘seduce’ and then being very friendly and kind, but not exclusive or even inherently romantic.

Halflings 🤝 Humans

Being horny on main.

Oh my god imagine a poly relationship that's a human who thinks this is a casual friends with benfits deal, a halfing who thinks everyone here is just friends, and one high elf who acts as if they're robbing a bank whenever they watch the human go down on the halfing.

Add a dragonborn who is sweating over which one of those people is gonna end up as their mate for life, who isn't phased by the sex but it's the romance part that's considered a big taboo in their culture to even date someone for love, so imagine seeing more tha one person?

High elves being sex repressed 🤝 Dragonborns being romance repressed

Also I really love world building AAAAA i wanna invent shit and make shit up and shake it around like a snow globe. I believe elves went to the moon much sooner than humans with just magic, dwarves have found fallen space rocks and meteors and used them to forge their weapons, winged elves or any species who can fly already mapped the world and drew all the know maps before humans even learned how to tame horses.

Also the horses is funny, elves has seen them all their lives but never bothered to tame it because it feels weird yk? Why would they ride on an animal, plus their cousin is a centaur so it feels even more weird.

Then they see the humans coaxing the horses with carrots while holding a saddle behind their back, skip a few years and suddenly the horse population skyrockects as humans steal this one animal to their side.

Imagine being a wood elf and in harmony with all of nature, then glancing over at the human city and feeling very confused on what these weird wolves are and why do the humans call them dogs, also why are they obeying the humans and holy shit that one is wearing bowtie.

Occasionally humans just wander into the forest, spot an animal that seems semi useful then kidnap it back to their city, suddenly their population spikes and they're the new best friends of humanity.

It happened the other way with cats tho, the wood elves remember overhearing two cats talking about the hairless apes wandering around and how one was betting the other that they can get them to share their food by just screaming at them.

Humans probably inspired their cuisine based on halflings' recipes since they didn't add soul consuming spices for fun like elves and didn't sprinkle in literal gem and gold dust like dragonborns.

A human with a Halfling neighbour who comes over every other day to share their stew because "they accidentally made too much and can't possibly finish it all themselves so how about you grab a bowl or two, human?"

One day the human makes a joke about how they're a simp or going to horny jail, whatever modern shitposting meme is trending, and the halfling takes it seriously and offers to sleep with them.

I mean, that is basic neighbourly hospitality to them. Of course they will fuck their friend who is in need, you don't even have to ask twice, come here and lay down and they'll take care of you until satisfied.

Now their trips over to your house are twice as frequent, half to feed you their cooking, other half to sate your lust appetite.

[tragedy-peanut-gallery]

do you have any headcanons about daeron ii's and myriah's daughter-in-laws?

Oh boy DO I!!!!! I’m gonna organize them in lil bullet point forms cause I have so many thoughts abt them!

Jena:

- Honestly I think it might be a bit weird to say but I think she was the westerosi equivalent of a goth skater girl. Like, there’s probably some old painting of her in Blackhaven as a teenager where she has dyed black streaks in her hair and way too much eyeshadow with a medieval skateboard (horse). I need this to be true in my life

- Her betrothal to Baelor I imagine was to ease up relations with the marcher lords since they probably weren’t too happy about the Dornish having a strong influence on the throne. I wouldn’t be surprised if Myriah suggested the match, and they happened to pick Jena because she was the closest to Baelor’s age

- That being said though, their match went pretty well! I mean for a while it was pretty obvious that Jena and Baelor were basically a pr relationship but over time they did come to care for each other! They didn’t really have the slow burn romance that Daeron and Myriah had but they still had some kind of affection

- She did have her kids pretty young, but not really early in the marriage because I have to believe her weird late teens goth angst was why she named her kids Valarr and Matarys of all things or it might kill me

- If I could give her a friendship with any of her sisters in laws it would probably be Aelinor? But they weren’t like friends friends, they were just able to get along pretty well because they grew up in the same region even though their interests are wayyyy different from one another

- Ngl she probably had some crazyyy beef with Dyanna. Like, those ladies could not sit next to each other at the family function cause it either ended with them fighting (mostly about who’s kids are the worst),or them ganging up to bully another noble while absolutely hammered on some of that dornish red

- Also it needs to be said, Jena was probably absolutely a stunt queen when she had to grow out of her goth phase. Like, she went to the Alyssa T school of Being a Bad Bitch because she probably went riding and sailing with her kids all the time while they were still babies. If Baelor had a dragon she’d be bullying him to take her flying literally every day and get it to shit on the roofs of people she doesn’t like. Myriah’s mentality was “Oh I’m gonna be queen so I have to be careful about what I do” while hers was “Whoah I’m gonna be queen I can do (almost) whatever the hell I want!!”

- Unfortunately tho, it’s highly likely she died with her kids during the great Spring Sickness, but to add tragedy for flavour I think she died after both her sons. Rip queen :(

Aelinor:

- Okay so figuring out the whole timeline/relation with her kinda drove me insane, but my theory for the time being is that she’s Elaena’s stepdaughter through Ronnel, which does make her technically cousins with Aerys through marriage? I think she’s still probably a few years younger than him tho

- I also kinda think Elaena’s behind this betrothal a bit tbh- I think Aelinor really liked Elaena but saw her a lot more as a mentor she aspired to be like rather than any kind of surrogate mother figure

- Personality-wise girlie’s a completeee introvert. Like, I think she wants to be social and charming and all that, but she got that social anxiety that makes it so she’s scared to talk to people and spends most of her day inside reading

- For her hobbies….. I can see her being big into reading and research but idk I also really like the idea of her being big into poems, she likes really analyzing people from a distance and writing lil blurbs about them to spend the time. She’d literally rather die than share any of her works with anyone though, even if it’s really flattering to them lol

- So, I think her social circle’s kindaaa limited to the royal family, I think her best friends would be Aerys, Alys and Shiera cause I think that’d be kinda fun (and also I think she had a bit of a thing for Alys cause….. yuh) :)

- She and Aerys probably slept together like, once on their wedding cause they were completely convinced they would only have to do it one time…. They both regretted it

- And ngl despite the Horrors™️, and the whole of house Targaryen dropping like flies I think she was a lilll glad that Aelora was heir? Not because everyone else before her died, mostly due to the fact that she really liked Aelora specifically and maybe liked to pretend she was her daughter whoops

- Anyways my fun lil tragedy for her is that she outlives pretty much everyone she loves <3 she’d still be kicking during Maekar’s reign as a sorta dowager queen but she’s not doing much with that title, I diagnose her with…… death via heart attack while trying to write her will

Alys:

- Honestly this lady reads as a complete social butterfly to me lmao. Like, really bubbly, charismatic, and likeable as a person- I think she came in as a companion for Daenerys and both Daeron and Myriah decided to set her up with Rhaegel just cause she was really kind (and being from a major house definitely didn’t hurt either)

- For hobbies I can absolutely see her as a lady that was just crazy for birds lol- and that’s an interest I could see her bonding with Daeron over! She loves hawking and keeping some pet songbirds and feeding ravens, ngl I could see her and Aelinor working on a giant bird encyclopedia together lol

- When it comes to her and Rhaegel, I don’t think it was really love at first sight? Like, I think they got along and did eventually bond after the twins were born, but they only fell in love a few years into their marriage

- Speaking of the twins though! I really don’t think she was cool with the idea of them marrying, honestly it kinda horrified her but she saw how weirdly close they became and tried to cope by justifying that they’d be better together than apart with other people cause…. Tbh how the hell else can she get over the fact that her own children are marrying when that hasn’t really been the norm for a bit-

- Oh and she was especially nottt at all happy about Daenora marrying Aerion. Since by then I can imagine she’s lost both her husband and oldest children, she would be f u r i o u s that Maekar would even allow her last daughter to marry his craziest son, even if he wasn’t the one who suggested the match in the first place

- Girlie probably didn’t stay after Aerion died, like- she was quick to pack Daenora and Maegor and haul ass back to the Vale. No she didn’t give a flying fuck that they were considering her grandson as heir, they’re living in the Eeryie forever now!

- She did miss Aelinor after she left though (clueless about Aelinor’s kinda gay feelings rip) so the two probably shared a lot of letters, but I think Alys passed not too long after being back in the Vale from….. honestly imma say slipping on a toy and cracking her head open. At least one of these gals gotta have a sorta silly death

Dyanna:

- Ngl she’s probably second to Alys in being one of the sweetest in the group, but she takes NO bullshit from anyone. As stated before, she’s ready to throw down with Jena at the drop of a hat but tries not to start too many fights

- She and Maekar married out of love. To me!!! Like, idk they don’t seem like a politically advantageous match, so in my brain Dyanna was probably the daughter of one of Myriah’s ladies in waiting and the two ended up falling in love as teens cause idkkkkkk that’s kinda cute <3

- As for hobbies: absolutely cracked at weaving. 85% of the decorations at Summerhall are her tapestries and the other 15% are crafts by other artists that she really liked. She probably weaved most of her childrens’ baby clothes herself and regularly gifts handmade crafts to her family and friends

- Idk if she really had a favourite with any of her kids, but I can kinda say for certain that she definitely had a hard time with Aerion because she felt like she needed to be overly strict with him specifically which….. probably maybe perhaps gave Aerion some mommy issues idkkkkkkkk

- I like to think she had a cat at some point too, and when it had kittens she gifted them to each of her kids but they mostly became general household cats over time (except for Egg’s cat, that was his own and it…. Found itself at the bottom of the well whoops-)

- Canonically she died first out of the gang, and the narrative implies that she died giving birth to Rhae but I’m ignoring it because one fic I read a while ago had her die from breast cancer and honestly while it’s still tragic it also makes it so Dyanna’s not reduced to “woman who died in childbirth #67” which gets some originality points from me

Idk these are all my headcanons, I hope you like them! <3

[elliwiny]

TLDR The Musical Chicago Taught Me About The Terrible Societal Pressure to Perform Gender Way Before I Really Understood What That Even Was

So it's Pride Month! And I've been listening to Chicago basically every day because it's exactly the length of my commute right now so I wanted to write about it.

I didn't grow up questioning my gender, and I guess my sexuality was 'I'll worry about that when I'm older' - until I got to my 20's and hit the 'oh shit, I haven't got the feelings I'm supposed to have, is something wrong with me?' phase of my existence.

Bringing it around to Chicago - I mean, look at her! It's Catherine Zeta Jones! Everybody is a little attracted to women, right? They're supposed to be hot! That's just how it is!

Hahahahaha.

But other than my hilariously delayed lesbianism I think Chicago stealthily gave me a primer on the fucked up ways our society enforces gender performance. Because you don't have to be trans to be in a situation where your life depends on giving 'em the ol' razzle dazzle.

The protagonist, Roxy Hart, is an asshole, a murderer, and kind of a ditz. Most of the criminals are right assholes, some are more sympathetic, and one is even 100% innocent! Aside from the innocent Hungarian, the thing the prisoners have in common is that they were boxed in, and were driven to violence after being pushed too far.

Whether 'too far' is justified is immaterial to the point. They became outlaws, and must perform womanhood to win over the court of public opinion and earn their 'not guilty' verdicts. And it's not just the kind of performance where you have to color inside the lines to not come off as weird, it's the kind where you dance and contort for the entertainment of the people who get to decide whether you get to live or die.

In Roxy's case this is kind of awesome. She's always wanted to be a star and with the power of hot-headed cold-blooded murder, she's stumbled ass-backwards into an unexpected avenue of fame and attention. She's determined to do this well, not for her survival (she doesn't appreciate the gravity of the situation, yet) but for a way to launch a career as a singer.

I mean what's Roxy's other choice? Go back to Amos? The guy who affectionately puts her on the same level as a housecat in his song? He's not the one who 'pushed' her, poor guy can't push anybody to do anything, but that's not even an option she entertains. I used to think he was one of the few good people in this movie/show, but it became pretty clear to me that devotion isn't the same thing as love.

Anyway, enter Billy Flynn, famous lawyer and expert ringmaster. In the song where he talks to the press, they do this cool thing where the reporters' initial questions don't follow the melody at first. As Billy crafts Roxy's story they quickly fall into the structure of the music, too. They draw the conclusions he wants them to, too. "Understandable! Comprehensable! Not a bit reprehensible, it's so defensible~"

Roxy's cover story is absurd, by the way, but it ingeniously plays to her type. She's a ditz but she's not naive, she has incredible natural instincts for the game she's playing. (Well, when it counts. She is resistant following the script, which sometimes gets her in trouble)

Roxy's innocent veneer plays contrast to the Hungarian, who becomes the first woman in the county to be hung for murder. She can't speak the language, literally, which locks her out of being able to play the game at all. In the framework of Roxy's imagination, we see the Hungarian's death as another performance... Because it is!

If you cannot perform, a narrative will be assigned to you and we will cheer for your pretty corpse. The metaphor could not be more clear. This is when shit gets real for Roxy, too.

Velma Kelly is also a good performer, who knows the game, but she has a disadvantage to Roxy. Her story just isn't as good. Nobody really believes she didn't do it, she's already so entrenched in the circus of jazz and liquor and sin that sentencing her is the least interesting outcome. I think that's why she gets away with shit like 'oh I blacked out I can't remember a thing' and getting her charges thrown out in exchange for her testifying against Roxy.

After all, she can't do it alone ;) if she didn't suck up her pride and embrace the pivot to playing the heel in Roxy's story, I bet she'd be hanging, too. Or at least, destitute.

They're both discarded by the public as soon as the verdict is passed and there's fresh blood to gawk at. The only way they survive as independent women cast outside the protections offered as stifled housewives is to embrace the world of Jazz, liquor, and sin... and most importantly, the narrative of the rivalry that they perform for those roaring ding-dong-daddies.

And it's not so bad, because that's what they both wanted, anyway.

[curly-my-beloved]

Hey Nosferatu, I've been lurking on our blog for a bit now. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your MW posts and nuanced takes. It's absolutely crazy how a majority of MW "fans" have this "black vs. white" way of thinking about the Tulpar crew. I legit almost left the fandom because I said Curly WASN'T hiding Anya's ID in the locker so he could cover up for Jimmy (it was for the rope) and people called me all sorts of things like "rape apologist" or sent me actual threats. I even had one loser claim I "wouldn't know what Anya went through" because I wasn't raped. I was. And it infuriated me that it comes to a point in a fandom that we gotta disclose such sensitive info to online strangers so we can be taken seriously? I wanna have fun in a fandom! I don't want to fucking trauma dump! That Anya post was HEALING because I had a hypersexual phase before getting into therapy and even medication. Now, I'm moving along with my life. I'm so sorry for the long ramble, but thank you. Really. You're an amazing person. :)

i waited until i was home to answer that because this is gonna be a long one.

first of all, hi anon! good to see a reasonable person around here, considering i'm mostly surrounded by maniacs (/pos).

yes, the black and white view in the mouthwashing fandom (it's a plague on many other fandoms as well, not just this one) is absolutely terrible. it could be because of the new generation of people joining said fandoms and they do not have much media literacy. or people are just so brainrotted by their phones, computers and social media that they are genuinely losing braincells. twitter and tiktok, especially. those two are the prime internet sources for idiocy. if you take your opinions from either of those, you'll usually end up looking like a fucking moron.

this fandom is filled with people eager to throw accusations like this and sending death and rape threats for expressing an opinion different than "jimmy and curly bad". they claim they would act differently ("given a shit about anya", like i've had someone said in one of my posts calling it out), yet it is entirely a hypothetical. they don't know how they would act. they don't understand the complexity of the situation simply because they're watching it from the side and they forget curly is a human, just like everyone else. well, except polle.

the thing is, people who never experienced something like the crew members (especially anya or curly), they most likely won't understand, but they need to stay in their bubble of mental superiority, by... lemme just check my notes here... hm, that's weird, my notes say they feel morally superior by sending people death and rape threats over a fictional character, but that can't be right, can it...? huh.

jokes aside, people in this fandom are terrible. people in new fandoms are terrible. fandoms are terrible.

fandoms started going downhill when people started to take them seriously and brought morality into them.

now, don't get me wrong, pedophilia and zoophilia should never happen, not irl, not in fanfics/fanart. that is beyond fucked up and has no place anywhere and if you have such urges, you should seek help.

however, new fandoms have levels of puritanism that would be mocked just a few years ago.

people are no longer allowed to like toxic things.

they're not allowed to enjoy evil characters.

they're not allowed to enjoy dark fanfiction.

hell, people get bullied for liking ships majority of the fandoms don't like or liking ships that don't have much screen time. people used to ship characters from different pieces of media and it was completely fine, but now it's suddenly big deal.

still, skipping that one paragraph, let's go back to talking about the dark and toxic things, hm?

it is fucked up beyond imagining that people will accuse a complete stranger of fucked up things over a favorite ship or a character.

it's fucking wild that people organize whole ass witch hunts because someone enjoys a fucked up thing in a way that is completely harmless to you because you can just block people.

let me repeat.

YOU CAN JUST BLOCK PEOPLE.

i've blocked several people in this fandom purely because of their takes about characters. i didn't feel the need to bitch at them. some of you should consider learning that skill.

people are allowed to enjoy evil characters.

people are allowed to enjoy toxic ship dynamics.

people are allowed to enjoy fanfics about non-con, dub-con or whatever fucked up kinks y'all are into.

and no, they don't owe you an essay to justify themself. they don't need to give you proof or expose their issues and traumas just so you feel like they're justified enough. you're not the fucking judge.

i despise seeing people say that they enjoy a character but do not support the actions. just a few years ago it was fucking obvious. we didn't go around sending each other death threats because the other person enjoyed a terrible character.

i hate people who cannot comprehend this.

i hate people who feel morally superior over abusing people they know nothing about and not even apologizing when their victim snaps.

i hate people who engage in fandom puritanism.

there are approximately 37,2 trillion cells in my body. if the word "hate" was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those trillions of cells, it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate i feel for those people in this micro-instant. for the fandom puritans. hate. hate.

allied mastercomputer, each day i understand you more and more...

in all seriousness, though, anon, i am terribly sorry for your experience. the mouthwashing fandom is absolutely fucking dreadful. stay safe.

[can-ya-guess-my-curent-obsession]

Russel Hc's

Authors note: Had some Russel thoughts baking in my mind after I watched some interviews. I know I said I just want to clear up my asks, but tired of writing Murdoc and 2D as much as I love them, I need a break. I'll probably write some noodle ones down the line

Requests: Closed

Phase: Nonspesified,

Hc type: A mix of general + Russel x reader

Note: I got a bit salty while writing this, cuz I like to research and listen to interviews while I write for the characters, and there is truly such little Russel stuff in recent years it kinda pisses me off, same goes for noodle- I want more GIVE ME MORE- ehem sorry, lets forget about this and move on

TW: Bad spelling, mentions of death, self isolation?

smh this man is so unappreciated

I don't think we talk about it enough but Russel is the most well dressed out of all of the band

It was clear from the start of Gorillaz that he took great pride in his appearance

In more than one interview, in the early phases they asked Russ about his taste in clothes and he would reply very passionately

Ya know when we used to see them interview everyone not just Murdoc and 2D

sorry that was uncalled for

Anyways, we've all seen the clip of Russel thinking about himself in a dress so we're all aware of the fact he takes pride in how others perceive him

I think that would apply to his relationship in a way

While I don't think he expects you to be dressed to the nines

I think he would want his partner who also takes pride in how they are perceived by others

Because as your boyfriend what reflects on you is a refection on him for dating you

So if his S/O is a person who enjoys fashion I could see him and S/O spending time making outfits together, giving each other feedback

Maybe the occasional matching outfit or at the very least coordinating outfits

but if is S/O isn't that kinda person, and just wears what they have not giving it much thought like me

He would give you subtle feed back on your clothes and clothes

And if you pick up on what he's doing and offer to let him make your outfit, he would be very happy and might spend a whole day rearranging your closet making set outfits for you of course taking your style into account

His favorite holiday was halloween purely because it allows you to dress up however you want

Also he has lot of fond memories picking out costumes with Noodle when she was younger

Really good with hair

Like weirdly good with hair

Well it's not that weird cuz he was the most like a parent when raising Noodle

So if you want him to do your hair, as long as he isn't busy he's down

And while Noodle's hair is for the most part straight so he doesn't have much experience with different hair types, he learns fast and would probably watch some videos in his free time to learn, in which like I said he learns fast.

Russel like's doing more complex hairstyles on his partner if they have long enough hair, because it gives him a since of craftsmanship and pride when he finishes

But every time he finishes doing it he swears he'll never do it again because of all the work and time it took

but it's a lie

Despite the horrible traumatizing shit he's been through in his life he has to be one of the healthiest(mentally) in the band(ignore phase 7), though that's not saying much

But it is true, in interviews and rise of the Ogre, he seemed to know who he was, and seemed to come to sense of peace and acceptance for what has happened in his life

Of course he has him dark moments we all do

Sometimes he just needs some time to mourn the past and will probably find himself sleeping in a guest bedroom in Kong studio's for a few days

Days where he buries himself in his music and his hobbies taxidermy as an attempt to drown out the the looming image of deaths face

These days where honestly few and far in-between before plastic beach, but they became more often after the events

He's scared for the people he loves and what being around them could mean for their safety.

He won't exactly avoid you

He'll state that he needs time to himself before avoiding you.

But when he comes back around he'll often start telling/ reminiscing to you the good times of his life before he met you, his parents, Dale, his school life

Its his way of accepting the past

[liketheinferno2]

few disconnected things about xvi:

The big eikon fights are all LONG like bare minimum ten minutes I think I was on titan for thirty. To make this bearable they're in checkpoint phases like xiv raids. I like it. Unfortunately I have a habit of pausing to talk to people and then completely forgetting what I was doing so left Clive in the knife edge of Zantetsuken for 2 hours.

These summons are as classic as you get for like... narrative function. I'm a huge fan of old ff summoners where they're just kind of born this way and the visual on it is the form of this god creature overtaking their entire body. Less classic when most characters only get one eikon but very effective. Jumping out of my seat about some of this stuff I love gamma ray level megaflare. Titan the size of an mountain dwarfing summons as tall as buildings. Odin's SCARY in this one man maybe it's just me... but when the guy on the other end can sever anything he perceives as capable of being severed that's the sort of thing I love to see with reality bending fantasy powers.

I'm about 90% of the way done I think... at this point it is coming back again and again to this thesis of choice and autonomy as essential to human life and worth fighting for, for yourself and others. This story has an interesting presentation where characters can be very groundedly human having literal conversations at some points and theatrical actors posed for effect at others. Not a bad thing, feels very Utena-like to me. The eikon pulling scenes too, I have to compare it to sword pulls? Like this isn't sex but it can be intimate/caring/painful/violating in a very personal way... I'm just counting on my fingers here but you see it used like 1. By accident, painful and stressful for both parties, 2. on purpose, pushing Clive fearfully into a new life like he becomes a Bigger Adult, 3. to assert dominance, bad for everybody, 4. out of caring to gain understanding of another person, 5. out of love and trust willfully given, 6. forced and violent in that weird theatrical way I was talkin about earlier.. looking back on these as a whole I feel gears turning.

Kinda shoujo kinda berserk kinda thing you have to embrace the chuuni to get into. Other thing that keeps crossing my mind is how much this feels like ff's take on a Guts and Casca. OTHER other thing is how much this feels like this team's take on ff7's Avalanche, ff15's mistakes, ff4's drama with ff14's design ethos. REMINDS ME OF A LOT OF THINGS I LOVE BUT IS ALSO DISTINCTLY IT'S OWN THING both in and outside the bounds of the rest of the series. Not really getting the GoT comparison but that was low hanging fruit for lazy critics in the first place lol.

Also really really really good at portraying gentle touches and the sense that these characters feel safe in each other's arms and I love that shit. I'll hold off for now with the pictures but almost my entire photo library for ff16 is characters holding each other or saying some gay shit or both at once. Stopping myself here but there's your thinking out loud gamer post for the week o/

[qpr-culture-is]

I know it's not really a confessions blog or something like that but I'm just so confused and lost and I just want to describe my feelings to someone. English is not my first language, sorry for any mistakes

So first of all I'm trans, I think it's pretty important to the story, kinda had a transphobic phase because my country it's not only very lgbtqphobic but our queer community is also very hostile towards trans people, like more than I have seen in other communities, so it's common. Pretty closed about this, tried to come out to some of my friends and classmates almost 2 years ago now, went wrong, don't talk to them and become very paranoid. Not even planning to tell someone about me being trans before a lot of people transferred to our class, they all were added in our group chat and I immediately pin pointed this dude with gerard way as their pfp who then asked to refer to him with he/him only and use other name. Holy shit. I literally never in my life seen an openly trans person, not even a closed one, never interacted with someone also trans irl so it was HUGE for me. Skipped first week of school, was kinda worried that I'm going to be an outcast, but that I finally meet him, and like the first thing he said to me was "wait are you that person with *fandom* as your pfp?" so we immediately connected. I was on cloud nine because he is SO COOL and only a few girls in our class are deadnaming him and it's so nice no one is being mean to him and I think it kinda changed my way of viewing how people will react if I come out to them. Because most people just don't care. Then I gave him my other socials and he saw me using any pronouns and he was like hey! How do i refer to you! Cool! And i told him that I'm actually also trans and he never ever questioned or doubted it even though I'm pretty fem presenting.

So yeah I rambled sorry it was just a really cool experience really cool dude. So the reason why I'm writing to qpr blog it's because I lately started catching feelings for him?? But I'm not in love?? I don't really know how to explain this but for a really long time I was just thinking that I just have a friend crush then that I want to date him and like I knew about qpr and I knew that qpr is way more complex and it's not just the secret third thing after dating and being friends. But like, I want to kiss him and give him gifts in a way that I view as romantic but when he's mentioning dating or his exes I don't feel a thing. Today was weird, I slept for only 3 hours and felt a little bit wonky, so I said a lot of things that were like straight up flirting. And I felt embarrassed and blushed and shit but not in "hehe I flirted with my crush!!" way but more in "holy shit it was embarrassing why did I say it" way. And he also talked about a guy that he has a very weird relationships with for the past 2 years, he said that like yeah we're friends but not really we had some periods of dating but not really and he also constantly flirts with other people including me. And I was just yeah kill him and didn't thought much of it, not jealous or sad that he have something going on with other people, but I still want to date him, but in friends way. So after I pondered about it for a while I think that I just want to have that Secret Third Thing with him. Still feel lost because I never felt like that before and because I think that I'm alloromantic and I was in romantic relationships before so I know how I act when I'm in love with people. With him it's so close what I feel when I'm in love with someone but at the same time it's so different and such weird foreign felling. Woud like to hear some advice for how people realised or what people feel and want in qpr relationships, I know it's different for a lot of people, but I want to hear something from heros who read this wall of text

Giving you a little breakdown of things I have noted;

-You can absolutely be alloromantic and want a qpr/have a squish

-To me it does sound like it may be a squish

-All in all you'll have to make that decision for yourself, and it could very well just be the fact that you've never connected with a person like you have with him before so it's all a bit different for you

And here's a bit of my past experiences

It's really a bit hard to remember since it's been forever, and given I'm aroace squishes have always seemed like legitimate crushes (in a weird way) so keep that in mind.

The last squish I remember having was a little over a year ago. I really connected with the person and they made me laugh a lot. I felt pulled to them in some kind of way. I wanted to spend time with them and I wanted to be called their partner. It was just,,, different than my previous feelings towards friends. Now, if it weren't for events that happened later on, I could have very well been convinced it was a romantic crush (we ended up in a romantic relationship for a bit but my aro ness got in the way and I began to feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing), and am honestly not sure how to differentiate those feelings from that of a romantic crush.

The only other time I can think of having a squish would be quite a while back, and at the time I was completely convinced it was romantic (I had not even really been aware of the aro and ace labels at the time). Once again, the feelings were towards a close friend. They were my best friend in fact, and at the time I really thought we understood each other like nobody else did, and it was almost as if we were very drawn to each other. Contrary to what you noted, there was a bit of jealousy here and there when they were with someone else later on (tho I know believe to be more in a platonic context anyways). And... thats basically all I've got

So those are my main experiences with having squishes, if that gives you an idea of what to expect from one. I'd also like to say that I'm so sorry for taking so long to reply to this! I've been a bit busy the last few weeks and am currently on holiday break now and haven't felt up to doing a whole lot (and keep forgetting to post as well)

[justinsentertainmentcorner]

David Browne at Rolling Stone:

OVER THE LAST few years, the Gulf Coast Jam, a multi-day concert blowout held every spring in Panama City Beach, Florida, has become one of country music’s leading festivals, pulling in headliners like Miranda Lambert, Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line, Kane Brown, and Kenny Chesney. But recently, festival producer Rendy Lovelady has noticed something unusual backstage. “Ten or 15 years ago, everybody would sit in a circle around the table, pull out their guitars and start singing old country songs,” he says. “There was a lot of camaraderie. Whereas now, the camaraderie has definitely lessened. They tend to stay in their own community.” Part of Lovelady wonders if it’s the lingering after-effects of Covid-19, which forced touring performers to interact as little as possible with anyone outside their circle. But it’s also possible that the drop-off in backstage hangtime is a sign of something else: the national culture wars seeping into the traditionally close-knit country community, a space where artists often take pains to refer to their peers as “my good buddy” or compliment one another.

From less personal interaction backstage to public online feuds, country music is slowly being pulled into the same battles that have infiltrated nearly every aspect of American life and entertainment. “It really is weird right now,” says one leading country manager, who spoke on the condition of anonymity given the sensitivity of the moment. “Country music has aways been this kind of neighborhood where everyone gets along. We had everyone’s back. But it doesn’t feel that way anymore. The heels are dug in more than ever. It’s pretty heavy.” The manager has also witnessed the same backstage chilliness that Lovelady recounts. However, he says it is unquestioningly due to opposing political ideologies and beliefs. “I’ve always enjoyed seeing people in the hallways backstage,” he says. “But it’s not like that. You tend to avoid people, because everyone talks politics backstage. Everyone used to leave their dressing room doors open. The doors are shut now.”

The major signs that Nashville is visibly fracturing have all happened fairly recently. In August of last year, country and alt-pop singer Cassadee Pope, and then Maren Morris, took Jason Aldean’s wife Brittany to task for making seemingly transphobic comments. (“I’d really like to thank my parents for not changing my gender when I went through my tomboy phase,” Brittany Aldean posted.) This summer, her husband’s song “Try That in a Small Town,” and especially its controversial music video, led to Americana songwriter Jason Isbell tweeting, “Dare Aldean to write his next single himself. That’s what we try in my small town.” On X (the social media site formerly known as Twitter), Jake Owen, a mainstream country singer, seemed to side with Aldean. He clapped back at Isbell by writing in part, “Jason, you’re always the first to get behind your keyboard and spout off with this stupid shit.” (He since posted that he “came in hot on the conversation because I’m passionate about” songwriters.) The public tiffs also included Zach Bryan, whose duet with Kacey Musgraves “I Remember Everything” is on track to be the Number One song in the nation, taking a shot in April at country acts “insulting transgender people.” The comment was prompted by veteran Travis Tritt’s tweet that he would be “deleting all Anheuser-Busch products from my tour hospitality rider” following a Bud Light promotion that featured transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney. Bryan, who said that he wasn’t aiming directly at Tritt, later talked it out in person with the Nineties star at a music festival in Texas, with Bryan calling Tritt “a good guy” and Tritt saying, “So glad we had a chance to chat, Zach.”

Although these feuds haven’t dominated the genre, they also haven’t gone unnoticed. “Like all industries, we’re not immune from the external pressures and the world at large,” says R.J. Romeo, president of the Romeo Entertainment Group, a leading talent agency that books country acts. “So naturally, there’s more divisiveness in the country now than ever before. That’s going to show up in opinions on music and everything.” The history of country music hasn’t been without its share of fights and rumbles; ask anyone who’s worked on an awards show or at a festival and you’ll hear tales of artists grumbling about their peers’ egos, sales figures, or place on the bill. In 2013, Zac Brown made waves when he called Luke Bryan’s song “That’s My Kind of Night” the “worst song I’ve ever heard.” They later hammed it up and hugged it out on live TV at the CMA Awards.

Public quarrels over politics, meanwhile, have been as rare as synthesizer solos in the genre. The then-Dixie Chicks’ feud with Toby Keith, which started when Chicks singer Natalie Maines criticized one of Keith’s songs in a 2002 interview and caught fire after Maines dissed George W. Bush onstage in the U.K. over the 2003 Iraq invasion, was one of the few times in recent memory when open warfare broke out among country artists over political matters. Such quarrels may become more common. “With everything heating up with the presidential race, people are beginning to have very distinct opinions,” Lovelady says. And the shift, involving country stars of different generations and accelerated by social media, has been jarring for longtime observers. Country acts, Romeo says, “all go through media training, and they’re usually very diplomatic or middle of the road with a lot of their responses. But I’ve seen more artists come out of what we call ‘the artist bubble’ and show more of their true self, you could say — or their less polished self.”

Rolling Stone explores how the culture wars are roiling the once-tightknit community of country music fans.

[dirtbag-linecook-kyloren]

10 characters/10 fandoms

YESSS THANK YOU @jaynesilver FINALLY MY WIDE READING OF FIC COMES IN HANDYYY

We're gonna go chronologically through my life because I think that's REALLY FUN (I legit couldn't choose a west wing character just know that if there's a secret 11th character is the ensemble cast of the west wing)

Artemis Fowl, Artemis Fowl

My first antihero, and we started YOUNG on that, I was reading these books premiddle school. I was obsessed with these books as a kid, and I'm still obsessed with them today. There's rumors of a third, more adult series when Artemis and Holly may get together and I will EAT THAT SHIT UP I LOVE THEM

2. Vexen, Kingdom Hearts

I Legit think this man primed me to enjoy Hux as a character. Like, I'm not kidding, I was obsessed with him as a kid. I'm 90% certain I wrote deviant art fan fic, but I have since abandoned that account so it's hard to know for sure if it ever got published. I was definitely roll playing at age, like, 13? way too young but god I loved him he was BATSHIT

3. Ianto Jones, Torchwood

Man, I can't really explain how much Ianto Jones as a character, he and Jack's kiss on screen, their relationship, and the events of the 456 changed me? It was DEEP though, I woke up the next day a different person, with much less trust in television writer's and their good intentions.

4. Desmond Miles, Assassin's Creed

We have to jump a few years to mid high school, because no joke I was on that Kingdom Hearts train for a WHILE. I love him, he was probably my first blorbo, before the term was invented. I tried to play the games after (MAJOR SPOILER) but I just couldn't do it. They didn't have the draw without him.

5. Stiles Stilinski, Teen Wolf

Now we've hit late high school, arguably my second blorbo. As a kid with ADHD, he was no joke valuable representation to me, even if it was sometimes played for laughs. I was also the least athletic kid on multiple sports teams who still tried really hard, so I got him, yknow?

6. Will Graham, Hannibal

It's legit tough for me to chose if I like the Will Graham of the books or the TV show better. (Don't ask me about the movies, I haven't seen them, and I probably won't. Movies and I have trouble. See: ADHD.) I'm not sure if he's a blorbo or just like, a regular character I like? My hannibal phase was my last 8 year ship, so the line is pretty blurred.

Now we've reached the part where I dived into a lot of fandoms at once, because I dropped out of college and kind of did a weird spiral? Idk, we've lost chronology is what I'm saying

7. Artemis Crock, Young Justice

god I cannot say enough good things about her and I also cannot express how much (MAJOR SPOILER) made me mad FOR HER. Like it was cruel specifically to her and we should talk more about that, honestly. She was definitely a blorbo, but we're still PRE blorbo as a word in my vocabulary.

8. Darcy Lewis, MCU

My first real fandom bicycle, I ship her with everyone from Loki to Agent Coulson to Natasha. As someone who often feels like the comic relief character in their own life, I appreciate her.

9. Kent Parson, OMG Check Please

My sweet, sweet disaster son. My emotionally constipated hockey boy. The reason captain america is my SECOND favorite character with a birthday on the Fourth of July. I love him, he was amazing, and also my first experience with like, really toxic fandom was being so mad when people tried to equate his canon mental health issues with a noncanon, imagined abuse?? It was wild, I ended up so distressed about it i did have to leave the fandom.

10. Armitage Hux, Star Wars

I mean you've been on my blog for like ten seconds i think it's obvious?? The others needed explanations but like YOURE HERE YOU KNOW

WAIT I FORGOT TO TAG PEOPLE SHIT @sariastrategos @gingersnappish @fallingdeeperintothispit

[vaingod]

What are some of the things you've noticed about these middle class city gays and their lifestyles? What are some of the things that stood out to you the most that is completely normalized? Because I see these pretty gay boys from the global north on Instagram and how perfect and white their teeth are, iPhone, MacBook, nice restaurants, nice gyms, holidays, expensive clothes that look very plain but you know that plain white t shirt was somehow $100 to me its like when Katniss sees the people in the Capitol and I just can't relate...especially since theyre all so skinny and pretty and have nice things!

Ok im saying this all as an immigrant thats lived here for a decade and still experiences this disconnection between city gays. Its the money, its always the amount of money they are comfortable throwing away on tech like you said but its more than just some rando city person buying themself an apple product once every 3 years or something. In order to live the life that you noticed these people tend to live you need 1 of the 2.

1. Rich parents. Most city gays that you see on Instagram are these. They usually go to school or have a job like one day a week type deal but they dont worry about rent or bills ever, no number on paper scares them to say the least but they are also really weird about you paying back like coffees or miniscule shit.

2. Are in debt. Most of my friends that are middle class are this

Like i wont forget meeting this girl through a drag actor friend of mine and she was cool and one of those all pink people so we vibed nicely until she started pulling up pages and pages of clothes and shoes and furniture that cost more than ive spent my entire life and talking about all the things she wants like a bratty child and i was losing my grip on reality before she talked about her hot pink custom paint job porshe and how her dad payed for it all cus she wasnt gonna drive a boring straight car. Like this attitude specifically is what drives me up the wall cus as someone whos jumped to and from alternative scenes a big appeal was making my own accessories and clothes and fucking shit up and looking trashy but alluring to other people like me. even when i went through my fem diva phase i exclusively thrifted vintage clothes to embody a 60 year old diva i didnt spend hundreds of dollars to look good?? My 90s thrifted furcoat ive worn for 7 years cost me 10 bucks.

As for middle class or poor gays that are in debt that keep going in debt to allow themselves the luxuries that they see gays with (their parents) money can allow themselves, i feel like its a very complex social dynamic that isnt easily explained by poor prople are allowed nice things or everyone deserves luxuries. And its harmful however its explained because very often the sentiment from middle class gays in regards to overspending obfuscates what a luxury is, not a few times have i heard from gays with debt "if i had the money i would take a private jet everywhere i wouldnt give a single fuck if i had access to things that rich people had I would use them just the same or more"

Class division is really like that tho, id compare it to how middle class suburbians dont want better public transport and shut any finances that go into it cus they dont want poor "suspicious" people coming to their neighborhoods. And that shut down of public transport only hurts them and their community but they do it anyway. Ill say it outright most middle class gays in debt that do everything to spend money to live a fantasy of not being in the same social class as poor gays are doing so intentionally.

[pastramimommy]

6/13/24

This birthday is going to be a whole chapter in my memoir. I cannot believe how everything has played out. Younger hayley would be so embarrassed and enraged that she would be broken up with over the phone after a 3 year relationship that she moved to the Midwest for. For someone she genuinely thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with. But I feel a weird sense of peace. Among the many other emotions I feel, of course. I don’t regret any of this and I am not mad either. I’m trying to be real with myself and recognize if I’m actually in denial and let myself feel all of my feelings and I genuinely think that I am. Of all the negative feelings, I think I am mostly feeling hurt and mildly questioning my character. I am hurt because I have been in a relationship where I have been consistently fighting to be wanted as much as I wanted him. And it’s a fight I’m tired of having one I know is not necessary. And I am questioning my character because maybe he could’ve wanted me as much as I wanted him if I just communicated with less emotion. The unproductive route of thinking is to question if I had just kept my mouth shut sometimes or just spoke with less attitude then maybe we’d still be together. In our closure conversation talking about dating in the future vs having another hoe phase he said he wouldn’t be in the streets because he is ready to get married……………..nothing hurts more than this. Knowing that he is ready to get married, but not to me. I’ve been trying to really be self aware about the situation and determine if my communication is truly that bad or is he just more sensitive than either of us ever realized. I know there are definitely areas that I can improve but based on the evidence he is citing, I don’t think my words/actions don’t warrant the reaction. I feel as if the examples that he brought up were not ideal, but honestly if a bitch slips ups once every few months, she’s just being a human. I am not sorry I cannot express all my thoughts calmly and articulately. I cannot live in fear that something that I say will make you break up with me. I really would understand if I was verbally berating him and screaming at him, but I am not. It is just a little comment every once in awhile that he never lets go of. The love that I want understands that I am expressive and emotional and that whatever I am saying is not an attack to be taken personally. If a random person read this they would fr think I was just in denial for saying fucked up shit to him and gaslighting him about it. “You’re being lame” “where’s my drink?” “Don’t ever do that again” all things I’ve said that slowly chipped away at our relationship. He would always ask “how would you feel if I did/said that to you?” Obviously it’s never preferred, but in every relationship you will do/say things you wouldn’t want reciprocated every once in awhile. If that did not happen, I would be worried that real feelings were not being shared, that things were being held back. And it’s clear that this was the case here. I’d rather have someone be up front with me than not tell me things because they were afraid of hurting my feelings. i’m gonna cry regardless, but I’m gonna get over it. I will have a lot harder of a time learning something that you felt months or even years ago, like I rushed you into this relationship, that you fucked other people after meeting me, all these things I should not be finding out so late into our relationship. How can I trust someone when I know how good they are at hiding their feelings. How can I not be anxious? That is not healthy and I am glad he recognizes that and is going to take steps to fix that. But damn, I hate to crawl so some bitch can run. 

He said if we both had one more relationship before this we would’ve been perfect. Maybe, I don’t know. I don’t know if this will change about me. It might be fundamentally who I am. And maybe this taught me more about what I need out of a partner in terms of communication. I spent the last year trying to fit myself into the mold of what he wanted and I failed. He would ask me “is this a habit or a personality trait?” I always said it was a habit, then walking on eggshells, praying not to fuck up again. I can identify every single instance in our relationship that he was unhappy about, because he would continuously bring up the same ones and never let them go. Maybe this is why I feel relief. It didn’t really hit me till my mom said it, I should not be feeling this amount of pressure and stress during a relationship. I am so excited to be free of the stress of wondering where we will live next or if I will get to raise my kids near my family. It really does not have to be this hard. I have notoriously taken the hardest path for myself, and again I don’t regret it, but I can let myself choose what is easy and comforting for once. 

I am excited about the idea of finding this with someone, but I am so scared that no one will compare to him. I know I can’t think like this, but besides the communication everything else was truly perfect. His values, his faith, his sex, his financial habits, his lifestyle, how we can have conversations about medicine, everything was there. I know I just need to have faith and good things will come. 

I am starting 27 single, with no resentment in my heart, only respect for him. This is the greatest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced, but only because he gave me the greatest love I’ve ever known. None of this was a waste, I learned so much about relationships and myself and have grown so much the last 3 years. I can move on knowing that despite how much we love each other, we just are not compatible. But now I get to start my life in San Diego with everyone I love and have missed for so many years. No more watching my relationships slowly fade away if I don’t struggle so hard to put in the effort to stay in their lives. I get to start laying down roots. I get to look for jobs at places I can work at long term. I can rest easy knowing I put everything I had into this relationship, and it just wasn’t right. I can finally go home.

[sentientgopro]

Hey y'all, not exactly active on here, especially when talking about myself, but I really need to get some shit off my chest right now. I had a couple realisations yesterday that culminated in some shit I never thought I would be saying or thinking.

I never thought I could be anything but straight. I liked women, so I mustve been straight. Im definately an advocate for everyone giving their gender true consideration, even when most will come out the other side cis, and confidently so, as did I.

Then I realised I didn't like women in the way most straight guys do. Afer clearing up some prior misconceptions about Aromanticism and asexuality, I realised those two labels fit me perfectly. But sometimes I wonder why I still feel a certain way about girls. There's just something about the way they look that's appealing to me, even if I dont find girls attractive...

Oh shit. That wasn't attraction. That was envy.

So that train of thought kind of went from 0 to 10 real fucking fast. This realisation brought to my attention feelings that Ive had for a good while, but have passed off as r/196 induced brainrot. Besides, and this is the biggest thing that stopped me realising this earlier, I dont feel that who I am now is wrong. I look in the mirror, and I see myself. But I've only recently kinda grasped the concept that being trans isn't all about dysphoria, having dysphoria is not always the way to tell. Although I dont think being a man is wrong, fucking hell, being a girl would be much better. And it feels so fucking weird actually typing that.

But what I'm saying is, atleast for the time being, I could manage to just not do anything. Which is for the better seeing as my parents would start screaming at me for saying anything remotely in the direction of being an ally. And I live on TERF Island. Transitioning would be an absolute pain in the ass, especially right now, so it kinda feels like why bother when the way I am doesnt really feel wrong. Transitioning could be quite dangerous and have big risks, it kinda just feels like I dont need that shit in my life, Im already running on fumes and a list of people I need to outlive. I usually hold a mindset of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", but this usually applies to binary things, like if my team wins using the same strat a few times in a row in CS, "Do it again, ain't broke, don't fix", but this is not nearly as binary as that, this isn't a win/loss.

Something that is both comforting and a little concerning is that no matter what, there is atleast a 2 year hold on this. I should be able to go to uni after that and start living my own life, but as of right now, doing something like transitioning is NOT an option. Ive got a 2 year long planning phase and Ive kinda just been taking stock tbh. I don't think "that" period of my life hit too hard, Im still skinny (Yeah, ik skinny =/= feminine but its better than being buff imo) kinda fuckin tall, if my growth follows the same as my brother did which it is so far Im gonna be like 6'3 by the end of that 2 years (6'1 now) so thats probably gonna be more of a mild annoyance than a genuine problem. My voice varies ALOT, I can have a pretty damn low voice, and a bit of a higher pitch, it naturally varies, I normally find I talk in a higher pitch when I'm happier and lower when Im trying to appear more... normal? idk, theres probably somrthing to think about in that.

Honestly idk, theres no real end point to this, I just wanted to talk about this somewhere. As much as I never saw myself being in this position, I use r/196, play ULTRAKILL, and Study Computer Science and want to continue it as a career path, cmon, it was only ever a matter of time, this was inevitable.

[coming-of-age-witch]

school bus rides :

i've practically grown with bus rides to-and fro- home and school. it feels so homely now, as i see myself going from the front seats to the last ones to next year taking over the back seat (peak level seats resevred for seniors). i feel so many things as i try to acknowledge my cluster of galactic emotions towards bus rides and note down possibly each one of them.

over the years i get so attached to inanimate object. i already have started imagine how this time, next year, will be the last few days i'll board my school bus until the day finally comes when i don't. school bus rides have seeped into such a formative core memory, the realization that all these bling and banter of the bus rides is auspicious hit me only this year, i want to cherish every moment of it.

i've been going in bus since 2nd grade and now i'm in 9th, next year will be the final year. i've seen bus drivers change, seniors come and go, weird set of people who were too old for me to relate too then, kiddish fights and oh so much talking with my bestfriend. the guy who's subjective interests intertwined with mine and we talked everything about history politics philosophy conspirancies only for him to change his house, and hence bus routes a month ago. the seniors i met this year we're the best and just so friendly that i ended up getting a crush on one of them, but they'll leave in a week. i dont know if i'll see them again, i wonder if they'll ever randomly visit the bus next year while i'm still there and tell i've grown up?

i went from being the youngest and looking up and fearing the seniors to being one of the seniors in the bus. i went from being the only person of my batch initially to having now 6 more people in my year in the bus. i've met so many people who i never heard of later, and some that i already forgot. i'm at the age which 7yr old me used to see as so grown up, but i'm not grown up at all. i look at the people a grade younger than me and think if they'll miss our presence because i can already see the bus rides being hollow without the group of seven 12th graders cracking up at the backseats. oh also i went from sitting in the front seat and sleeping to sitting in the third-seat-from-the-last and sleeping. the 2nd seat from the front was my favourite as a middle schooler and i commanded it to be only mine, and now i see those 4th-5th graders doing their hooligan shit there. makes me feel awfully old. 8 total years in the bus and i honour it to be a very memorable part for me, i cried upon my marks, i literally eat my tiffin only in the bus. i went from being the last person to be dropped off to the 3rd last.

little things but so crucially important to be, they lace the fabric of memory that i'll carry behind.

as the thought that next year this time i would be counting my days left in the bus seeps in, i really don't know how to feel. a part of me is happy to see the journey closing, a beautiful ending to a recollection of things i'll definately tell as my school experiences. it would truly seal the fact that i've grown up to reaching peak years of teenage, at the doorsteps of an important & integral phase of my life. i fail to truly verbally justify the essence of the emotion but it will be like a curtain closing and i'll feel relieved, i'll look back , think how amazing those days were, and then i'll move on.

but a part of me remains wishing to really set the moment still, to get a extension of time with all the people currently in my bus especially those i spent so many giggles and laughers with, writing this, as i rewind myself in the strings of memories , i sure want to keep myself in this spiralling tour, like a glitch in the matrix where i witness back and forth all the moments that i've seen throughout the years, to see the pieces that come together to form the big picture, i want to live the bus ride, the homely feeling that it now gives me. the feeling i want to treasure. as the bus passes through the water unit, the playgrounds, the highway, the railway colony, all these places that i pass regularly on my way to school, everything seems to cinematic in the bus. i remember taking an unfiltered picture in the bus of simply the window and its outside and my eyes really witnessed a sense of "years pass by" in that damn video, so many shops pass by in such a short span of 1:05secs, that video also encapsulates all the people talking their people talks and the cars honking their honks, the people in the streets doing the people walk, roadside vendors vendoring, so many things in such a little time capsule. i want to capsulate myself in these feelings, like the everpassing sound of the 8th grader guy talking like we're batchmates, the seniors friendly teasing dadas beating each other , the didis crying out of laughter, the little 5th graders' pre-puberty voices and lame ass jokes the just-knowing-things humor of the 7th grader the little 2nd grader sleeping fully flat just like i used to do only seven years ago.

its truly mesmerizing, for a moment i want to just feel it continuously happening, before the seniors leave, before the study stress hit again, before its already exams and before i reach my last year.

i guess the second feeling comes only once in awhile and i feel happy after i go through the overwhelming emotions. auspicious.

i have a solution to this craving of multitude of memories. the desire to keep a strong imprinted memory of this golden hour silver lined bus memory really makes me feel so many things, letting go and to be let gone of. i've decided that from the next day onwards i'll simply lay in bus seat, my bag facing the handle and me leaning on it. while i face the window and in a lousy position i look at him, simply watching shops petrolpumps people car bridges pass by, while all the talks of everyone around me silently turn into a unanimous melody. i'll envelope this feeling and send it to my deepest pockets and keep it in a glassjar with visual memories of the best time in the bus with the best people i've met, the extremely fun seniors and the kiddish juniors.

it also reminds me of a kid who was junior to me while i was a middle schooler, i used to take toffess from him, we used to have bhujia trading, he's 2 grades younger and well i dont remember much other than all those bhujia business. but i also remember getting angry at him for he was being selfish to maybe me or another kid, he was only trying to have his own bhujia to himself i guess. but then he left the bus, one might think he dislikes me, so did i. but year or two ago we walk by each other, when he was in 5th and me in 7th and we just talk about whereabouts and since then everytime we meet we wave, he greets me, we don;t go in the same bus anymore but we meet here and there now and then and its just smiles and greetings but i can't believe that its been years. he's in 7th now and i'm in 9th. he's grown up, i can then say i've grown up too. and its just too illusionic to see people growing up and meeting them after a certain time gap from usually meeting to random interaction, i feel overwhelmed seeing him thinking about the glory days as a pre-teen. i'll surely hug him, he's a little brotherlike to me. i just saw him 2 days before, he's in the school band for the annual school function and we passed by with him playing guitar, definately time passed.

i can't possibly help but note that i can't bring myself to read things i write with plethora of emotions and unfiltered memories, raw and genuine and just so personal, unless i really do feel the same emotions i felt while writing the emotionally heavy text. the same goes for here, i think the next perfect time to read this mamoth sized note will surely be when i do reach that time of the next year counting on my precious final days :)

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you want the last dream you had to come true? I don’t recall my last dream, but I’m gonna say no cause my dreams tend to be really weird and random. 

When did you last talk to the person you'd most wanna talk to right now? There isn’t anyone I really want to talk to right now. 

What kind of pill did you last take? My sleeping pill. 

Do you like wearing glasses? I actually do. I feel super weird without them. I think I kinda hide behind my glasses so there’s that, but yeah I have no desire to get contacts or like laser surgery. 

Does your mom know the last person you hung out with? Yes, she knows herself. 

What were you doing 4 hours ago? I was watching Yellowjackets with my mom and bro. I know, I know I’m super late to that show but naturally and no to surprise to no one I’m obsessed already and I’m only on the 4th episode. I was in episode 1. 

What would you most like to eat right now? I’m looking forward to the Taco Bell I’ll be eating pretty soon.

How long were you last in the car for? Uhh like 5 minutes, if even that. 

What is something good that happened last weekend? My aunt came to visit me for a few days and we had fun as always.

Do you like holding hands or do you think it's stupid? I think it’s cute. It’s also not so black and white, like there’s other options you could throw in there. 

The last song you heard, what does it make you think of? I forget what song I last listened to.

How'd you get your last injury? Health related issues. 

What do you like about your birthday? I don’t get as into it like I used to, like I used to get so excited when I was younger. My birthday is just whatever. It’s nice if I’m able to go somewhere, like a little vacay getaway, though. 

Do you like being home alone at night? No.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? That was the year I started my emo phase. 

What's the scariest thing that's happened to you? Uhhh.

Has an ambulance ever came to your house? Yes.

The person you're thinking about- what are you thinking about them? I’m not really thinking about anybody.

When did you last skip class? *shrug* I’ve been outta school since 2015. 

Do you like the shape of your fingernails? Ha, what nails?

Did you look at your fingernails for the question above? No. I already knew I barely had any nails to check. 

Whose pool did you last swim in? It was my friend’s boyfriend’s (at the time) community pool. That was a decade ago. 

What's something you like about your 3rd hour? --

Is formspring a good idea? I had one back in the day and it was interesting, but no one ever sent me questions, ha. I just answered the ones you could choose from that were asked by like a bot or something. There was some celebrity tea being spilled on some formsprings, which at the time I ate right up. 

What's your biggest problem at the moment? Meh.

What's the cutest thing someone's ever done for you? Hmm. I’m not sure what I’d say was “the” cutest. 

When did you last see a police car? *shrug*

Why aren't you doing something more productive than this? I have nothing else I need to be doing, let me be.

How many people know about the last person you kissed? A few.

How many different cars have you driven? I’ve never driven a car. 

What did you do on Thursday? I had a doctor appointment in the morning and then just chilled and napped. 

What color was the last thing you drank? Light brown coffee with some cream color. 

What do you do on Fridays? Same shit I do everyday. 

Have you ever had to take desperate measures in a desperate situation? Mhm. 

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car? I haven’t opened any doors in awhile. Kinda hard when you’re bedridden and even if I’m up in my chair I’d still need help. I don’t need to open any doors in my house, so that’a helpful. I don’t go anywhere, except for a doctor appointment, and in those cases I’m being pushed around in a gurney so I can’t open any doors. 

What is the meaning of life? To figure out what that meaning is for you.

[somichiko]

hey! idk this may be a dumb question you can lemme know, no hard feeling's lmao. were you ever scared going into your 20's or expected to be where you are now? i recently just turned 20 and a lot of things have been changing. friend's, mentality and in general im seeing a lot of things in a different perspective, but at the same time i still feel stuck in a way, like i do not feel 20 at fucking all, to be fair i still feel like a 17 year old girl idk it's weird. ive been so scared not knowing whether to embrace this new chapter because i have no idea what's coming. im not one to really "analyze" and plan my future, ive always been going with the flow but for some reason my mindset has completely shifted idk if this makes sense. ive been contemplating on letting a few friends go too, not bc of bad blood but we really just don't see eye to eye any more. they want to go out clubbing 24/7 and do the most reckless shit ever and im just not built for that. ive been with my bf for about 3 years now, his my high-school sweetheart and we have made plans. marriage, moving in ect ect after i get my degree and people (friends) have made me feel really bad about this talking about "im young and need to be free"

opinions? or is this a dumb problem im pondering on, be brutally honest

You’re making a lot of sense! Your 20s is such a big shift and I honestly felt odd about it too (still kinda do) BUT eventually you’ll get to the point where everything starts lining up and you’ll end up around those you need to be around. There’s so much more to life than clubbing all the time- you can have fun sometimes but every weekend is absolutely nuts. I’m not built for constant chaos- most normal people aren’t lol. It seems like you were raised well, don’t get phased by those who didn’t get the the actual blueprint to life. Your marriage and life with your man is going to ultimately be your world and then you’re going to make likeminded friends and you’ll see why everything played out the way it did.

Your friends are just young and dumb and don’t see the bigger picture of things. Enjoy your life the way YOU want to.