#this is a circus and I am a clown

[thegrizzlypeach]

Ah, yes. If it isn’t my trusty NyQuil, Tequila.

I’m not quite sure where my mind is. It’s been a little cloudy the past 2-3 weeks. I’ve had people who’ve noticed and shown concern, but unlike when I rant or just have any given daily conversation with them, I don’t feel like allowing them to see when I am in a more vulnerable state, which I just realized I do as I was typing that. Damn. Anyway…

I somewhat recently ended a long relationship that was friendship/romance and planning a whole life together/friendship, and now it is nothing. There’s so much that I should have accepted as red flags that he wasn’t in it, like that fact that after 3-4 years he never was comfortable giving me his phone number and the fact that instead of working on issues that would come up, he’d distance himself instead. He always gave up so quickly. He never fought to keep me even when he claimed he loved me and wanted all these things we planned together. (I swear it’s not as crazy as it all is sounding right now. There’s a lot more depth.)

I should have known that once we finally followed each other on IG that he mainly only followed other women, and this is after he lied about deleting it years ago, which I never asked him to do anyway, and then showed no real apology when I called him out on the lie. The first time? He just changed his username and lied to me then about it, but it popped up on my “you may know” or whatever page, which was how I found out. Of course, he got defensive and went silent. Years later, I found out not only did he have that account that he “created because I knew I used it” yet never let me follow him, but he had had it during the years he said it no longer existed. Tell me this doesn’t show that he’s hiding something.

I should’ve known when around the same time of year every year, like when he’d have summer break from his college or when he’d have winter break that he suddenly felt what we had was “too much” and temporarily ended things (yes, this was very often an on/off/on/off….. situation). I should’ve known when he never let me visit him and always cancelled last-minute to see me (oh, this was long-distance, btw, and, yes, we have met in person. We both lived close by when we first started talking. There’s a lot more here, ngl.). Not even that. He wouldn’t even be planning it at all. He’d just tell me with a dead look on his face when we’d Skype before the expected visit that he wasn’t going to see me. Every. Fucking. Time.

After one of the many times he gave up, he goes and tells me on Skype “I know we’re on a break”, like wtf?! No, man. You ended things. Again. YOU.

The last conversation we had that led to the kill strike argument was him saying he’d be back to do some replies as, phone-numberless as we curiously were all those years, we wrote emails, which was fine because I told him everything and write too god damn much although it was more often than not that it’d be way later than what you’d expect for someone who’s actually making time for you instead of making you feel like you’re just an option, and he came back after one of many times saying he’d “finally” reply just to tell me he started drinking and ended up drinking too much and that, once again, he’ll “get back later”. God, if this isn’t pushing someone away and telling them without telling them that they don’t matter, I don’t know what is. And then he got mad at me for getting upset that, once again, he did not keep his word? In an audio he sent me, he said “I know we’re not dating right now” and another time wrote that he still wants the things we talked about together, which was something that gave me false hope just like all the empty promises did, yet he was upset I had that similar thoughts in my head and got defensive about him not keeping his word on just being there and writing back like he kept saying over and over again that he would. Don’t you love being manipulated especially by someone you never thought would play you like that?

Yes. I’m a fucking idiot.

I should have heeded ALL the fucking bright red flags he carefully laid right out in front of me, but, no; I truly loved him with everything I had and believed at some point he might have truly loved me too, but I feel that being less likely the more I remember how many times the same shit happened that could have easily been discussed and how many times I cried until I felt dehydrated over the unwillingness to work on things instead of just give up. Then again, all the other little things, like I said, which turned out to be bigger things I should’ve paid attention to convince me that that was never going to be the case. I had so many friends tell me it wasn’t a good idea and that something was up, that he was cheating on me, but I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it because I couldn’t believe the first nice guy I’d met in a long time who acted like he wanted me was capable of infidelity. With all the things he’s hidden, myself from ever meeting his family included, I am starting to accept that there were probably others besides me. All the things he lied about, hid, was secretive about… it’s just making sense. You know how when someone is doing something they shouldn’t and project on you? That’s how his defensive behavior often felt it was coming from. I refused to believe, again, that he would do anything like lie to me or cheat on me or be dishonest at all.

And this is where I am right now: I’m going through the grieving process and accepting that he didn’t actually want me to begin with. I am trying to accept it. It was so hard at first because he’s the person I told everything to, the person I always confided in and was excited to have conversations with, and while I was going through this, who else was I going to turn to? Who else was going to seem like they care and was going to listen? To me, he was my best friend. But now he’s gone, and I know he doesn’t even think about this anymore. He was iffy about how he said we shouldn’t talk “for now” but there was this hint of “no, this ran its course” in it. Would he ever correct me? No, and I accept that. I have to. I suggested, to be clear for both of us, that we stop altogether, but the idea of blocking so there’s no “hey, how is everything?” down the road… I’m not quite there yet. It feels easier now that we no longer talk. Kind of. It should get easier.

Despite all this, I still feel so broken, and it’s all over a man who acted like he cared just enough to make me feel a little loved. I was just a placeholder until he found what he actually wanted. I’m just a fucking, lovelorn idiot.

[mrkanman]

kaufmo funny clown moments

[murderofsomeone]

Happy 21st anniversary to Lemon Demon!

[v0idwraith]

the way i watched through the whole credits waiting for aziraphale to go back

[o--milo--o]

oh. oh dear. i have a new hyperfixation i fear. doodle dump on the way mayhaps?

this one is a lot lower effort than the other two but! i have a big one coming on monday to make up for it. :)

@z3r0luvsu

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

It's gonna be my BIRTHDAY soon and I really need to rustle up some CASH so if u feel like this blog has made your life MEASURABLY WORSE (or just weirder) over the past year, perchance consider tipping your town fool? THANK YOU (kofi / paypal)

[necro-acid]

CREDIT CARD INFORMATION

[buckleyy--diazz]

I don't know if it's connected or not but I just realized that Oliver posted a Buddie picture in his Instagram story when Buck and that man had their first kiss and Ryan posted a Buddie picture to his Instagram story on the night of their breakup...🤯

[highoncatfood]

it is lemon demon day so i am posting all of my favourite lemon demon pieces ive made that i havent posted here before (i think)

yayyyyyy

[tianshiko]

guess who is tempted to make a whole AU comic like this

[luminlunii]

doodle request - Rocky Freckle and Ivy in clown costumes with red noses

3 circus clowns coming right up!

Might do a follow up drawing to have all three of them together.

[morverenmaybewrites]

Imagine Eurydice!Jason Todd and Orpheus!Reader

Inspired by this wonderful post by @bloodtypemoss Can you just imagine Jason being trapped in the bowels of Arkham Asylum again, perhaps as an act of vengeance by Scarecrow? Can you imagine him with fear toxin pumping through his veins instead of the snake venom that killed Eurydice? And it is almost like death, being trapped in the place he had tried to escape for so long? Certainly, it's a form of hell. He can even pick out the stains on the floor where he had bled so long ago. Here, was where he woke up to find that the Joker had broken his leg, the bone sticking out of his flesh, and the pain pulsing in him like a heartbeat. Here, was where he had first broken and begged for the pain to stop, despite initially promising to himself that he would not give Joker the satisfaction. Here, was where the Joker had pressed a burning brand on his face, marking him forever. It is almost like death, and God does Jason wish it was the real thing.

Can you imagine the reader as unarmed as Orpheus, and yet equally as unafraid?

Perhaps, like Orpheus, they do not know what they will encounter, only that their beloved is waiting for them: at the point where the darkness ends, at the final step down those spiraling stairs, at the end of the world. And what greets them isn't the god and goddess of the underworld, there is no three-headed beast to bar their path. There is only a man, left alone in the dark, waiting to die. Fear is not as final as death, but when Jason looks up at you, his eyes glassy with memories you think that it is almost enough. This may be what kills him, if you do not pull him out.

And it is not his name, dripping from your lips like tears, that breaks through the haze nor your hands gently cupping his face. Instead, it is something old and silly and nameless: a lullaby you once heard from a woman in East End. You remember how you used to hum it to him, wordless, when he lay on your lap, sleepless with nightmares. And you wonder if Jason remembers it, too. Perhaps like Eurydice, whose memories trickle back to her as she rises from the underworld, your voice is what breaks him out of it. These thoughts filter through his mind like fragments, like raindrops collected in one's cupped palms. That his name is Jason Todd. That he did not die that night in Arkham Asylum. That he is loved. And this time, it is enough. But his eyes are still blinded with toxins, and his bones feel heavy with the weight of memory. Like Eurydice, he will need you to lead him out. But it is enough, it is more than enough. He rises. And he follows.

[localratwithcowboyhat]

HEY YOU 🫵

Clown painting:]

Alright thats it

thank you 💥

[silly-boozer]

Sat down and did a LD/Neil cic doodle page. Pretty proud of it. Remember not to sit for a long time gang and have a Jaws dance break in between.

Click on image because tumblr fucks up the quality for everything. Close ups under cut. Please make sure to reblog art! it helps me and so many other artists.

Very proud of my VM and Clown Circus design, feel free to ask about any of the drawings in my ask box :]

[dragonsbluee]

Me and my brother casually discussing how we would survive in One Piece/what we would do first:

Me: I'll pull a classic isekai move; find a stable island (somehow), open up a small shop, and stay the hell out of the way. Maybe I'll open a betting ring based on the newspapers, but there's no way I'm getting involved.

Brother: Bitch you went to theatre school. You're joining the Buggy Pirates the first chance you get.

Me: ....

Brother: I've had to sit through your MULTIPLE rants on how the series treats clowns and the logistics of how they would run a pirate circus.

Me: okay but-

Brother: YOU WORK WITH CLOWNS!

[that1notetaker]

Hi, I'm bad at talking to people, especially online, but I make comics and maybe it'd be nice to read what you people think, so I'm putting myself in the void? Will it echo or will it engulf me and regurgitate silence?