#this has been said a lot of times by different people nevertheless always important to mention

[zinyli]

Sorry if this is an odd question, but how did you first go about learning how to draw and paint fish? Are there any books or tutorials you followed, or was it mostly trial and error going off of reference?

Not odd at all! Always keen to give advice for those who ask (´ｰ｀) In general I started practicing watercolor 7 years ago, been painting with goauche for at least 2 years now :-) With the help of short youtube tutorials, media content and just painting what i see irl, I got to this level 🫡

I was always scared of learning animal anatomy and anything animal related, at least i wouldnt practice that until I felt skilled enough to do it, trying every time to use references bc i wanna keep it as real as i can..here are some of my first fish paintings!

Been experimenting new things each time so i eventually got better at it,,,from previous years of practice you could say i already knew how to pick some of the colors, rn im just faster at mixing them, my mind just goes crazy when it comes to colors :P

My advice is to practice what you love, your favorite things, really makes the process a lot easier to bear, but not without forgetting the fundamentals of art, dont be scared to try new things when you’re practicing, you can always learn something new 🐚 JUST PAINT :D HAVE FUN!!

[heta-micronomics]

i need you to say more words about Brutal Force Of Nature Sun Sealand

Okay so I had a good, well-formulated answer to this that Tumblr decided to delete. So, this is going to be the unpolished version. It may or may not make sense. I am not liable for any confusion that may arise. I am exhausted but want to talk about my Little Freak of Nature. This is likely not what you want, Anon, but it's what's coming out of my stream of consciousness.

There's actually a lot of background context to this that's been built upon in my micronation server, and specifically with @iced-coffeebean. But to understand what I mean in passing, I think it's important to grasp the foundations of how I view and characterize the micros.

1. They are basically their base nation's traits boiled down into their simplest form and shoved into a small package. Like espresso but with personality.

2. Given their general instability as personifications, the above factor can cause frequent issues. They are stuck in a schrödinger's box of existence. Are they human? Nation? Neither? Whatever tf Niko Niko was? I like to think that while full nations have a stronger connection to the people—since there's so many more of them—micros are more closely tied to their land (or medium of existence, in cases like Ladonia and Aerica). They all have an innate inhumanness that differs from a nation's inhumanity.

You also need to know some things about Sealand and my interpretation.

1. I interpret his manga panels to imply he is not technically the personification of Sealand alone, but of the actual structure. So, he used to be H.M. Fort Roughs, a Maunsell Sea Fort designed to defend England erected in 1943.

2. His canon characterization shows he's prone to fighting before asking questions, having an opportunistic nature (including a colonialism habit) and being kind of an ass in general. Like he means well! He does! He's just a jerk about it at times. He's also incredibly determined and, for better or worse, will not give up.

3. The actual Principality of Sealand was created on the basis of self-determination and personal liberties. They basically said "fuck you" to BBC and turned their ideas of a pirate radio station into an actual state. It is important to note that today, Michael Bayes emphasizes that Sealand is not anti-Britain. This more or less is a continuity of Sealandic history, though it has been strained at times.

When you combine these things—in my head, at least—you get someone who was literally created to never back down. He was designed and implemented to stand guard for as long as he needed to, and it succeeded! The fort is still in working shape, albeit a bit worn down. It no longer drives people insane (a phenomenon known as "fort madness").

Character-wise, he defaults to friendly diplomacy unless spooked, like with Seborga, or pushed to aggression like with Ladonia or TRNC. He tried to always present himself as a leader who knows what's best for everyone, even if he really doesn't. His methods are pushy and borderline obnoxious, but it's really not too surprising.

He takes after England, after all. He's his grandiose personality consolidated into a tiny "state". He's a can of Campbell's Condensed Big Ego Soup.

So. He's by nature built to never fail, to stand his ground no matter what, to be imposing and do his job. He has no problem resorting to threat and violence (which he's very capable of) if he deems it necessary. But nevertheless less he wants the best for everyone. He has friends and he wants them to succeed, though he supports them even when they fail. He's the reason the micronations formed a group at all. He is their Sun, and he's aware of it because he forced himself into that position.

I like to think that, at least on some level, he does so out of obligation as well as arrogance. He was built for it. He's "real", so isn't it his responsibility to lead and take charge? Who could do it better? He was born a shield and remains a tool despite his self-proclaimed independence.

I hope this makes sense. I doubt it does, to be honest. I don't feel well in general and spent most of today a bit hungover, so my Sealand thoughts aren't too coherent atm.

TL;DR: Sealand was built to survive and protect at all costs. He does, but he's an asshole. He's England but if you steeped him too long in a tiny teapot.

[lunasgayshit]

🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

Oh wow um, first, thank you anon 💜😭😳

Five things that make me unique? Uh, not exactly unique, there are so many humans that any one thing is highly unlikely to be unique, but in combination they are :)

My egg was exceptionally hard to crack due to circumstances

I work in tech but my heart is in the arts and humanities, and having seen what capitalism did to my tech hobby, I will never make the same mistake with my art

I approach every person in my life with love in my heart, and treat them as such. Kindness, empathy, and patience are more important to me than I can say. We're all connected, we humans, and bringing love to every interaction is the best way I can think of to interact with others.

Due to the particulars of my autism (it's hard to focus on anything other than a conversation if I'm listening to that conversation, among other auditory processing issues), almost all of the music I like is nonlyrical. I have music for every mood, some of it the most beautiful things you've never heard, but none of it has a single word. I also always have something playing, whether it's music or a game I'm playing or something I'm watching.

I'm really good with mental arithmetic for numbers below a certain (ill-defined) size, especially things like Fibonacci numbers, square numbers, and addition/subtraction/multiplication (just like with a computer, everything but division is easy and fast). The numbers just come to me, a lot like Ramanujan said they come to him (except in my case they're not delivered by Hindu deities while I'm sleeping). I'll have the answer for a calculation before I even realize it and I won't know how I got the answer, but it'll be the right answer. It's weird, but it works!

As for things I'm super passionate about and why, this'll be interesting as I'm rather autistic so this is basically asking me to ramble about my special interests :) If anon knows anything about me they must know I'm autistic and they probably know at least a couple of these, so the list shouldn't be entirely surprising :) For all of these I could go on for longer than the post altogether so I'm going to try to be brief; know that there's so much more to say for each of these.

For as long as I can remember, language has been a special interest of mine. This manifests most specifically in words, meanings, etymologies, dialects, identifying languages from words / scripts / sounds. There's so much complexity and beauty in language, and it affects and influences every element of being human. I don't feel comfortable saying it's something that makes us human, particularly with recent research into cetaceans and other animals, but it is nevertheless an important part of being human.

I've been a Star Trek nerd similarly long. A lot of folks are Trek fans because they like the stories, the utopian vision of the future where most diseases have been cured and you can trans your gender in an afternoon with enough time left over for a fancy dinner, the egalitarian society, but for me it's deeper. Those things all matter, to be clear! They are important! But other things matter even more. For me it's about the radical love and acceptance people in the Federation show for one another. There's an implicit social contract of acceptance of differences and diversity, there's representation on screen and in universe of so much of the diversity of humanity. This is absolutely a result of the optimism, of living in a post-scarcity society, but it's also how I personally try to treat others.

Perhaps unsurprising is that I'm absolutely in love with science / mathematics, have been since I was a kid. Sure, there are certain fields I'm more interested in (physics, calculus, psychology, anthropology, linguistics as said above), but the broader subjects have always held my interest for as long as I can remember. If real life is a game, then science is the rules for how that game works. It's about the knowledge per se, for me (which is specifically why I say science / mathematics instead of an applied field like engineering)--all knowledge is worth having. But it's also about the learning, both students learning things and researchers discovering things. Learning things is cool! I genuinely hope we never learn everything about the universe, about ourselves. An existence where science / mathematics is genuinely, truly "done" would not be nearly as fulfilling.

Just as important is my appreciation and love of arts and the humanities more broadly. Like with language above, I'm not going to say that our pursuit of these subjects makes us human. However, like the sciences, these subjects do certainly make being human more rewarding and worthwhile. Again, like with the sciences, there is so much beauty in this world, so much nuance and subtlety that the arts and humanities help us understand. I genuinely see the sciences and the humanities as closely related in this way, in what draws me to them: much of what I said above about the sciences applies to here as well. It's all about learning and beauty, learning about the universe and ourselves and seeing the beauty and love that existence shows us every moment of every day. It's not coincidental that I get a bit poetic about this! Again, like with the sciences, there are certain kinds of art and subjects in the humanities that draw my attention more, but I do have a general appreciation for all of it.

I hope you can forgive me, anon, for taking so long to respond to this ask. I have taken your questions seriously and, in tandem with good old ADHD (and distraction from the many cuties on here), it's taken some time to arrange my thoughts.

[lisa972kdlz]

(It's translated from French, I hope there aren't too many syntax errors ^^" In any case, enjoy your reading !)

Dreamtale Theories:

Here's a list of a few theories about the Dreamtale Lore, this story leaving some very interesting gaps to try and fill. Philosophical and scientific thoughts helpt me to concretise these ideas, but although I've been inspired by them, it's not with these points of view I'm going to develop, but rather a purely artistic point of view. Little by little, philosophy and science have been lost in my ramblings, giving way to imaginations that seemed to fit together. Artists imagine. They cheat, they lie, they don't care much for concrete realities. In the end, the only science I get into position on is the elements of the Dreamtale canon, at least those I've managed to pick out. Perhaps I've missed some information that would disprove these hypotheses, in which case it would be courteous of you to let me know.

On a more chill note, say I'm just a teenager with a overflowing mind who loves to come up with crazy theories with whatever I can get my hands on, and I write this mainly for fun ^^

In fact, I don't think for a second I'm right, so I don't know if I can call those theories... Maybe speculation ideas about Dreamtale I wanted to share? Almost headcanons, but still based on concrete elements of the canon.

So let's go, first theory!

☁︎ Canon/Fanon:

For starters, why do I insist so much on canonicity? Because when it comes to Dreamtale, the boundary between Fanon and Canon is not always well understood, given that there are a lot of preconceived ideas on the subject.

The fact is, I see Dreamtale's Fanon and Canon as two completely separate worlds. And yet, understand that I hate adhering to variants of this and that for anything and everything. The idea of viscerally separating the Canon and Fanon sides of an oeuvre makes no sense to me, especially in an open world where each universe is a piece of a larger puzzle, where the world we're presented with is meant to be a huge playground.

And at this stage, if we do that with this universe, we could do the same for all the existing stories, no? Nevertheless, for THIS world and this world in particular, I think it's important.

For there is a crucial difference between C!Dreamtale and F!Dreamtale, a difference that completely alters the interpretation of the oeuvre. Fanon doesn't just make a few interpretative changes... He changes the very nature of a character: Corrupted Nightmare. And that, well... It's a bit complicated not to separate the two, especially when the Fanon version is so popular... Canon, he is dead and his body belongs to another character who has his own personality and background. Fanon, he's alive. Trapped, imprisoned, manipulated, split into two personalities (Night and Mare) or fundamentally evil, depending on the case, but alive.

Night is experiencing a bit of Asriel syndrome: it was because Undertale fans couldn't accept his death that the first AU's were created. And for Dreamtale, there was such misunderstanding about this (Because reading the Prologue, everyone agreed that Corrupted Nightmare was...well... Nightmare), that the majority think this is official. (It has to be said, it wasn't evident let me reassure you...)

To this we can add the fact that most of the time, in very fanon fanfics and fancomics, the other two trees don't exist or are never mentioned, that Corrupted (I refuse to call him "Nightmare" simply because he isn't Nightmare) isn't a real person or doesn't exist at all, that Dreamtale is an AU of Undertale, so made up of codes like the other AU's, but all that still depends on people's interpretation and knowledge of the real Dreamtale.

To put it more bluntly, and if the boundary's still unclear: F!Dreamtale is a part of the Undertale Multiverse, while C!Dreamtale is its own universe.

Since I like both aspects equally, and in order to get everyone on the same page, I've come up with a mini theory:

Dreamtale Fanon, being the Dreamtale developed by fans based on the belief that Corrupted Nightmare is more or less Night, has strayed so far from its original story (it focuses more on the "broken brothers" relationship of the twins, their mutual development and their relationships with the characters of the Undertale fandom), that over time, by putting down roots in the world of Undertale and through the influence of the creators, Dreamtale would have "split." This double would then have merged with the codes of the Undertale Multiverse, because Dreamtale was so well integrated into it that this version of it ended up becoming imprinted on the very core and codes. That's why, in F!Dreamtale, we don't always mention the other trees, since they never joined the Undertale Multiverse. Even we NEVER mention them in Dreamtale's AU's like Swapdream or the alternative Multiverses like Dreamswap, Swapverse, etc. That's why Dream and Nightmare exist in the alternative Multiverses,AU's and not the rest (Vampireverse, Empireverse, Minuscultale and so on).

The result is two Dreamtales:

The Canon Dreamtale, which belongs to Joku,

The Fanon Dreamtale, which belongs to the Fandom Joku too.

Well yeah, it's still Dreamtale, so it still belongs to Joku, no matter what haters want ◖눈ᴥ눈◗

Duh.

Also, this definitely doesn't prevent fanfics from being based on C!Dreamtale, it's even advisable to give it the prominence it deserves. Hence the idea of completely separating these versions, because fans can make fanfics about the Canon, and although it's fanon, it won't be similar to the F!Dreamtale version at all.

Two worlds taking different thematic paths created on the uncertainty of Night's death (like a "Schrodinger's Night" ͡° ͜ · ͡°).

Next theory!

☁︎ Tree of Feelings/Creators link:

This is a question I picked up when wondering about Dream and Corrupted's various attacks. Where Dream needs a body to hold him together, Corrupted has so many black apples that he can physically hold himself together without a body, and more or less correctly. Do positive and negative energies function differently? Is it because Corrupted has more apples that he holds on better? What is positive and negative energy in Dreamtale's Lore?

At the beginning, I'd started from the principle that Energy with a big E, being what makes up absolutely all existing things, humans and monsters alike, could be used by Dream and Corrupted to be converted into either magical energy or physical energy. As Dream only holds one apple and enjoys a body, he'd mindlessly convert his energy into magical energy, which is why he has a soul similar to human's souls and why he's able to heal as green magic does, or cause damage as white magic does. For Corrupted's part, possessing no body of his own and having amassed enough power from his hundreds of apples, he would have to convert negative energy into physical energy. This would require a great deal of power and would therefore explain why, despite he's stronger than Dream, he's not 999X stronger than him. He already uses a lot of his energy simply... Holding on without melting.

I also theorised that if one of them were to acquire all the apples, not only would it have a stable body, but it would also be able to convert this energy as it saw fit. Corrupted could then generate magical attacks AND have a physical body.

The trouble is... Dreamtale isn't actually part of Undertale. So there's no Magic,Physics duality. And even assuming that Dream converts that energy into magical energy because he's unconsciously copying the way his adopted world works, he's still canonically attacking with positive energy and not MAGIC made from positive energy. Energy comes in many forms, but I don't think he can control it in such a pure form...

All this can still hold together, but what bothers me most is that pure Energy would have... A positive side and a negative side? And what's more, related to feelings? Why not, but I'm not really pleased with.

Dream and Corrupted's energy is material, palpable. Of course, we could stop at the fact that it's just a magical energy like we find everywhere in stories and not ask ourselves any more questions.

But I love wracking my brains to find answers to questions that no one wonder, so I'll keep going èwé–

What kind of energy would this refer to? Not energy in the scientific sense, because that's independent of any emotion, whereas in Dreamtale, positive energy, for example, is directly linked to positive feelings.

Because tree of FEELINGS–

The most plausible thing I found with is that positive and negative energies are linked to the spiritual energy: auras, meditation, etc. Proof of its existence is fairly hazy in the world of creators. But in the world of fiction...? What if? This energy of consciousness exists, whether it's real or not. And if it's not in the real world, as long as there are people who believe in it, then it's in the world of fiction. What if the fruits of the tree of feelings were the material manifestation of this spiritual energy produced by the consciousness of the creators? Just as a world is created by a creative mind, what about Dream and Nightmare were the guardians of the feelings of fiction as the direct embodiment of the emotions that creators instil in their work? This could be the reason why Dreamtale isn't made up of codes, because it's the direct embodiment of a philosophy and not just another fictional universe among many.

I can't decide whether it's too obvious or too far-fetched ^^". It was the concept in Underverse that made me think of it... There are references between what Nightmare implies in 0.6 and creators tearing up their own universes because they're filled with negative emotions. Underverse isn't canon, but there's nothing to stop this idea of the creator,feeling link being applied to Dreamtale.

Especially as it allows us to imagine something even bigger that could work in relation to the three trees...

But before that, a little theory about Corrupted, because the more we learn about him, the more this character becomes... Mysterious.

☁︎ Something is rotten in the state of Dreamtale :

Ever since I knew that the three trees were part not of the Undertale Multiverse but of all the other Multiverses, I've been wondering why it should be Corrupted who embodies absolute Evil and not someone else. After all, we know plenty of evil lords, don't we? Isn't it a bit pretentious to claim him to be above everyone else?

But one detail, one nuance, makes all the difference.

By definition, Corrupted does not embody Evil, but negative feelings. He embodies them because he has become their guardian, their bearer. What I'm trying to say is that black apples and evil are not linked... Black apples are not fundamentally evil. They have no conscience; they are neutral, they exist for balance and have a purpose of their own.

No, Corrupted is Evil for another reason. He's Evil because he's simply wicked. If the personification of negative feelings is evil, it's not because the negative emotions or the apples are mean, but because they are themselves corrupted, alienated by a consciousness that manipulates them irresponsibly. Why would the Entity feel hatred? Hatred and not despair or dread? Because he was already filled with hatred, or because he has a fighting personality that allows him to exploit this emotion for its dark projects. Is it a sign that Corrupted isn't worthy of being their carrier? After all, he's not their basic guardian; it was Nim, then Nightmare.

In this way, that doesn't prevent him from being THE allegory on the scale of all dimensions (or of a large area of dimensions, if you don't like the idea that Dreamtale is linked to all fictional universes) , because the role relating to negative FEELINGS in a neutral behaviour is rather original. He's an allegory of negative feelings that doesn't need to be, and that gives a false image of what negative feelings actually are; the pejorative and common image we have of them. In reality, negative feelings are neither good nor bad; they mean no harm to others. The one who wishes them harm is the Entity, Corrupted.

He's a simple villain who has got his hands on power that doesn't belong to him and is out of control with.

...

Maybe not a 'simple' villain either?

Because, another theory, I think that Corrupted is this fourth guardian that Joku mentioned. Firstly because I don't know who else he could be, but also because he knows about the other dimensions outside Undertale. How would he know if he didn't come from outside? Who else would this fourth guardian be, and why would Joku mention him? What's more, a number of elements fit together with this theory, notably his strategy of manipulating Nim (Nim is far from stupid, and he probably wouldn't have succeeded so easily if he didn't already know a little about her), in order to create Dream and Nightmare, dividing positivity and negativity to undermine the pillars of balance, all with the aim of finding a carnal envelope and taking possession of the Tree of Feelings...

Like a plan that has been fine-tuned for years and years... Add to this the anecdote that the tree guardians are not the original guardians and that Nim learnt something awful about them before leaving for Undertale, and you'd think there was a rotten menace already pulling the strings in the shadows, long before our dear twins were born.

So what is Corrupted looking for? What's his ultimate plan? To spread negativity across all dimensions and reign supreme as a Living God?

A fine programme... But what if we took his ambitions one step further?

☁︎ Feelings, Life, Magic:

Why three trees? Why THESE three trees? Why place them at the centre of the Multiverse? Why are feelings, life and magic at the heart of the worlds? What link can we make between them?

Feelings, well ok, that works... Life and death, logical... Magic? Why magic? Magic isn't a necessary element in the Multiverse, sometimes it doesn't even exist... Why a tree of Magic and not a tree of Souls, or a tree of Virtues and Sins, for example? Undertale is very closely linked to magic, but that's not the case for all worlds...

This is where we come back to the idea that apples are the materialised forms of the feelings creators apply to their work... Does this also work with Magic and Life? Yes, it does. Trees don't just take care of Feelings, Life and Death and Magic... They reflect what creators need to create.

Feelings, as we've said, are exactly what it takes to find inspiration, to feed the imagination like maintain fire. As long as the feelings remain, so do the passion and inspiration.

Life, on the other hand, is quite simply what enables a work to exist, to remain. Life is the nest in which the spirit bathes, gathering together the experiences of the creator, housing and preserving them. You could also say that the more lives there are to witness a work, the more real a work is.

Inspiration, yes... The environment, all right... But what is needed to create something out of nothing? To make the unreal real? The immaterial material?

Nothing more than a little magic ✨ !

Not the kind of magic you find in fiction with wizards and pseudo-scientific logic, no... Magic in the sense of believing in something irrational. To believe that these worlds exist, to have faith without needing proof. Accepting imagination. Not in a religious connotation, but in the sense: Magic = Consenting Suspension of Disbelief.

Feelings: The fuel.

Life: The oxygen.

Magic: The spark.

Fire triangle is complete.

What if these three trees were the equivalent of the Triforce of Creation itself? Feelings to stimulate, Life to sustain, Magic to materialize.

What would happen if, by some mischance, an ill-intentioned person managed to seize the power of these three trees? What would be the consequences? In the end, perhaps this mysterious Entity wants more than just the golden apple in Dream's care?

And if these three trees work very well together, what would the fourth guardian be doing?

Would he be the original guardian?

Or the exact opposite of Creation: Destruction and Nothingness?

(Voilà! I hope theses theories will have interested you ^^ And you, what do you think? Do you have theories about what's going to happen in the Dreamtale sequel?)

Dreamtale belongs to @jokublog

[beanghostprincess]

Omg you like SatoSugu and Soukoku too? I’ve GOTTA hear your thoughts on them

If I start talking about my relationship with these two ships I might actually end up sobbing while I write this- But basically, both Soukoku and Satosugu are really important to me because the whole dynamic of "best friends to enemies who still have feelings for each other" reminds me of something that happened to me with my former best friend. Which is, uh, not pleasant to talk about but we had a very nasty break up and I think it's a very common experience. Somebody said something once (in my post about Shuggy making more sense if they were girls) about these ships always resembling friendships between sapphics that don't know they're sapphics yet, which changed my whole view on these three ships completely because oh lord, that person was so damn right. Because it's the possessiveness of it all, you know? Like- Being close to your best friend, so much it hurts to see them with other people and so much it's frightening to think about a world without them. You have so many feelings about this person that you can't quite place and you can't put a name to, but it's more than a friendship and it's not romantic love either. And it makes more sense being a closeted sapphic because you don't accept it might probably be love until the friendship ends in a very nasty and toxic way and then you keep resenting that person forever.

I am kind of traumadumping here, lmfao, but basically I really like these three ships because they treat this dynamic in very different ways and I am a sucker for them. The angst is immaculate and I'll never get tired of them.

I like Soukoku for a lot of reasons, BSD being my favorite manga of all time and everything. Dazai meets Chuuya when he doesn't have any reason to live but keeps working for the mafia nevertheless because Chuuya is interesting enough to keep being alive. Because perhaps that's what Dazai has been looking for. And Chuuya, well- He has mixed feelings for Dazai but his loyalty is unmatched and that's both his best and worst trait (we see that constantly, poor boy). Dazai is still, after everything, his partner. They need each other, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They're basically canonically soulmates, at this point, and you don't even need to ship them to acknowledge it because it's just that obvious. Chuuya is the only one able to keep Dazai wanting to live and Dazai is quite literally the only one with the ability to stop Chuuya from losing control. They really are made for each other. It makes me go completely insane. The whole thing about Chuuya not being a human but being the most human and empathetic person of the mafia, and Dazai saying he isn't worthy of being called human but being physically one? That's just insane. And I could talk for hours about them and write a deeper analysis of their relationship, but I'd never finish this post, then.

Then, Satosugu. They make me equally insane. They were best friends. They were so damn close. And Gojo loved him so much that he couldn't stop Geto when he turned his back on him and walked away to become what he is now. It's just so heartbreaking, losing someone like that and all of a sudden. We see Geto losing himself over the years and falling into desperation and emptiness and Gojo not noticing until it's just too late to do anything. That's Gojo's weak spot. He's the most powerful sorcerer and dude can't fight his ex best friend because "there's no curse more twisted than love". That fucked me up completely, honestly. Gojo is such a complex character, growing up so quickly and with so many expectations, not being able to enjoy his teenage years either because they stole them from him like this. And Geto ending up all alone too, turning into just a vessel of vengeance. Like- Shit is too deep to explain it in just a tumblr post, but they make me go insane.

And Shuggy is basically the same thing but at least these two have the chance to make up and reunite at some point. Shuggy is the one that feels more realistic to me, honestly, because it genuinely feels only like a normal falling out between best friends (that definitely were something more) rather than this complicated poetic mix of metaphors and poems. These two were just kids when all of this happened, too, it makes me so ill. But I have a whole post talking about Shuggy too, so I don't think I need to explain why I like them.

TL;DR: These ships are definitely for the sapphics who had THAT best friend and had very strong feelings toward them but didn't know why, and years after a very nasty break up that still haunts them to this day they realized it was a bit more than just a friendship.

[kikiofthevast]

So on rewatching That Scene in Episode 6 something stood out to me because I was watching it while thinking about the Coffee Theory.

I don’t really subscribe to the Coffee Theory and I think it robs Aziraphale of a lot of his agency and complexity in this portion of the show.

I DO think the coffee is important however and it’s present mostly as a manipulation tactic.

A metaphor, if you will.

Similar to how there are no literal nightingales in Soho, the coffee is just a coffee.

However, the nightingales are a metaphor for Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship. At the end of Season 1 they reach an understanding that leads to that dinner at the Ritz and therefore the nightingales sing. They love each other and they’ve never said it but they don’t have to because they’re operating on the understanding that they simply want to be together.

But that leads me to a follow-up point.

Crowley’s relationship with Hell and Aziraphale’s relationship with Heaven have always been different.

Crowley, being a fallen angel and not a very good demon, has resigned himself to the fact that Heaven and Hell both suck massively. Heaven is controlling and manipulative and Hell is just awful and cruel, so Crowley is pretty content to just present as human and hang out on Earth.

He’s attached to his flat, his plants, his car, and the planet he’s living on. He does concern himself with the affairs of humans sometimes though he mostly keeps to himself. He has seen the best and worst humanity has to offer and he’s just kinda vibing yk.

Aziraphale, however, does not have the lived experience that Crowley does to recognize Heaven’s manipulation. He can’t recognize it because he’s still entrenched in it. He knows that the Archangels aren’t the best at their jobs and that Heaven is a little bit of a mess but surely it can’t be that bad!

Hell is still evil in his eyes, and by extension, so is Crowley. Several people have put it more eloquently than I have but essentially Aziraphale thinks Crowley must want to be an angel again because he’s Good and only Angels can be Truly Good. Etc etc.

There are better posts about that element out there though.

What I’m here to Focus on is the coffee.

First of all the Metatron speaks to Nina about giving people a choice but them only choosing the one (coffee over death) because it seems obvious that they should pick it over the other. The alternative doesn’t even really occur to them.

cough Aziraphale’s choice

Secondly, he comes in and after sending the angels away he addresses Aziraphale directly. He ignores the fact that Crowley and Muriel are still in the room and claims that it’s “just us” which struck me as odd.

Though, if you consider that he likely holds a lot of disdain for Crowley and that he doesn’t really see Muriel as a person, it makes a bit more sense.

Nevertheless he confronts Aziraphale head-on, doesn’t give him a chance to speak to Crowley, and immediately offers him something human.

Like I said before, I believe that the coffee is a metaphor, in this case it’s the Metatron making an effort to seem like he’s putting himself on Aziraphale’s level. He’s convincing Aziraphale that they’re speaking as equals.

His line “I’ve consumed a few things in my time” feels like he’s trying to coax Aziraphale into believing that the Metatron is on his level, that he understands Aziraphale in a way that other angels can’t. This opens up Aziraphale to what the Metatron has to say, and it makes him more likely to agree to his proposal.

TLDR There’s nothing in the coffee other than the coffee, and it’s a manipulation tactic instead of a magic drug. The Metatron is putting him at ease before manipulating him into coming back to Heaven. That’s my unsolicited opinion on the matter.

Thanks for reading and see ya next time hopefully with a Gepard Landau character analysis

[recurring-polynya]

go places addenda

Earlier this week, I finished posting go places, a 28k fanfic about Rukia and Renji getting ready to go take their Academy entrance exams. I started this story in 2019. It sat in a hot mess amongst my WIPs, and nevertheless informed a lot of flashbacks and memories that show up in various parts of my The Heart is a Muscle series. I made reference to a number of these throughout the writing, which my beautiful beta reader @diademchiofthetripod said worked fine as “textual ruins”, but I thought someone out there might be interested in actually finding the cross-references.

Additionally, this story contained a lot of world-building, just *bags* of worldbuilding, much of which started life as, or was inspired by various Tumblr posts, and I wanted to link those, too. Some of them are mine, but many came from other wonderful, thoughtful people, or came from us riffing off each other’s ideas. I am always grateful to the community on this website, and I just wanted to give credit to all the goofin’ around over here that inspires and informs my writing.

[cut for spoilers and also length]

Chapter 1

Settings are deeply important to me, and I felt like if I was going to set this entire thing in District 70, it deserved a name. Shiotsuka, 塩塚, means “salt mound,” because I wanted to invoke the imagery of barriers, like a town that sees itself as the last bastion of civilization, despite the fact that there are ten more districts to the south, including the home our protagonists have just left. In some ways, they are correct, though: Shiotsuka has the last post office on the South Road, the last shinigami recruitment station. I think all the ends-in-zero districts try to associate themselves with the ten above rather than the ten below. I realize this sort of thing is important mostly to me, but it sets the tone of the story as Rukia struggles to hold on to what she knows and who she is against the overwhelming message to focus her eyes onward and upward.

Mr. Mochida has been part of this story from the beginning. In fact, the opening scene of the original version was from his POV. I think that if I had started the story fresh in 2023, he would have been a very different character, but he was already *there*, and it didn’t feel right to replace him, which turned out to be a very good decision, actually. The actual point of this note is that I named him back before I got really into custom, bespoke character names, so it is likely that his name came from the Wikipedia list of Japanese Olympic weightlifters or something like that. I honestly don’t remember. It is a fairly common Japanese surname and, written 持田, means “hold or have” and “rice field.” An ordinary name for an ordinary sort of guy.

The bit about watered-down soy sauce came out of this post where I was wondering why they even had 55-gallon oil drums in Inuzuri and @bleachbleachbleach came up with a nicer answer than mine (which was Squad 12 toxic waste, although I am still fond of @snurtle 's idea from the tags that Rukia and Renji have glow-in-the-dark bones)

Chapter 2

The main reason there are couriers in this story is very simple: I have been re-reading Naomi Novik’s Temeraire series, and I got obsessed with the couriers and wanted some couriers. I realize that there is already the Secret Remote Squad, which is the subdivision of the Onmitsukidou that wears those rectangular hats and delivers messages around town. You know, these guys:

I wanted something tonally different though--a set of shinigami that spend most of their time outside of the Seireitei. Their job is important, but they’re more independent and a bit casual, and I liked the idea of this being one of Renji and Rukia’s first exposures to a shinigami-on-the-job (versus most of the introductions Kubo likes to do, where a character gets a Hollow dramatically slain right in front of them).

In my years of reading Bleach fanfic, I have decided that I do not care for it when people use flash step to travel long distances. This is a personal opinion, please do as you like in your own fanfics, but I just don’t think flash step should work that way. For one thing, my impression is that it basically involves doing a spatial shift from one place to another, which would seem to carry a heavy risk of running into things (or people). Also, it seems like it should take a lot of energy. Also, there are some characters (Hanataro) who can’t use it, which seems like it would cause a lot of problems. That being said, flash step is allegedly a set of techniques within hohou (we just never learn what any of the other ones are). I had some fun making up some that are practical for long-distance, which was both fun and satisfying for me. Ryuupo is written 流歩, where the first character , which means "flow", is also used in the word for jet stream, and then the second character is the same one for “step” that’s used in “flash step.” Hayaashi, 速歩, means “brisk walk” but it’s also the word used for a horse’s trotting gait. I do not actually speak Japanese. I did my best.

Relatedly, I also liked the idea of Mr. Mochida teaching Rukia and Renji a lot of practical, but not flashy stuff, and in particular, things that take lots and lots and lots of practice, but have a great deal of payoff. Unlike some people, who try to teach a kid bankai in three days, he’s more of a “strong foundations” sort of guy. I hope it’s obvious (particularly you’ve read my later stories featuring Renji in sensei-mode) that Renji is imprinting on this guy like a baby duck.

The Seireitei Bulletin makes an appearance, in part because I wanted to make a vague reference to my headcanon that Tousen personally transformed it from a propaganda rag into…um…something more closely resembling a news outlet. I also wanted to drop some hint of some big doings in the city that the reader would recognize, but would, of course, be basically meaningless to Rukia. It is actually right around the time Byakuya became captain, but that was a little too…too. However, Gin also became captain around the same time and you know I never miss an opportunity to do a shout-out to Iba’s mom.

Rukia contemplating a life in the Onmitsukidou is partially a Between Tides joke, but it’s mostly a reference to a Hisana-joins-Squad 2-and-then-adopts-Rukia-herself AU that @alopexplasma and I improv’ed our way to in the comments of section of Call Me Back When the War is Over.

Watanabe Yuuto is one of my Inuzuri irregulars; he also featured in the story Renji tells Chad about Rukia vs. the Bees, which is the next-to-last scene of Chapter 5 of See You on the Other Side.

Renji tells the story about Rukia wrestling the tanuki (or badger) to Byakuya in Chapter 11 of Call Me Back When the War is Over. It’s the second scene down and can be read independently of the rest of the story. Towards the end of the same chapter, Rukia clarifies that it was a badger (definitely not a tanuki).

Chapter 3

Rukia’s bunny print yukata makes two appearances in Call Me Back, once in Chapter 12, proving that Renji was paying attention after all, and once in Chapter 13.

Here’s a six-part video series on how to make your own waraji. I did not know that waraji were for short-term use! That was the second most interesting thing I learned writing this fanfic! The shihakushou headcanon is one I have been working on for a long time and I’m glad that I finally worked it into a fanfic. I wrote out most of my thoughts on the topic here, and here’s the senkaimon transfer protocol post that originally got me thinking about it way back when.

I did a whole post on the “Black Dog of Rondanini” kidou Rukia is trying to read. Thanks to the Bleach wiki for the kanji version of the chant, which was very helpful in writing this part.

Obligatory link to the Renji breaks his arm story.

The poem Renji is trying to write out is the Iroha, a pangram that was used as a kana ordering system prior to 1890. I felt like it was the sort of thing a boy’s mother would make him copy out to practice his writing, analogous to the old "quick brown fox".

Chapter 4

(for realsies, tho, a lot of the dream sequence references this post I made about the symbolism of Sode no Shirayuki taking the form of a yuki-onna)

Chapter 5

I was trying to come up with a list of common items that an Edo era traveler might buy/take with them on a journey when I inadvertently came across the number one most interesting thing I learned while writing this fanfic.

The incident Rukia remembers about thinking Renji didn’t like her until the day she laughed at some sick burn he made is the same incident Renji mentions in Chapter 4 of a little in love, in which he thought she didn’t like him until the day she laughed at his sick burn. What a couple of idiots.

“Rukia even worked in a shop for a bit.” If this seems familiar, it’s because it’s from my unfinished Inuzuri story I Can’t Believe I Found You in that Town and I’m sure I’ve posted excerpts from it on Tumblr. It was a pawn shop. Her job was scamming people. She was very good at it.

Re: the 1000 kan budget Mr. M gives them: For reference, per Color Bleach+, an issue of the Monthly Seireitei Bulletin costs 380 kan. A cosplay Squad 4 nurse’s outfit costs 5,980. City inflation is wild.

“I like the signs they have here,” Rukia says, pointing up at one that shows a pipe with rings of smoke coming out of it. “You can tell what the shops have without having to go in.” I went down a real rabbit hole on Edo era kanbans (and yes, that’s the etymological origin of kanban boards used in agile project management). A lot of them relied on puns, and I read in one article that high-end city shops would make their signs rely on insider knowledge so that only their more sophisticated customers would recognize them, which is the most Seireitei-ass thing I have ever heard.

“I did some arm-breaking for a crooked apothecary for a while,” Renji admits. There were some more details on this in the Renji-breaks-his-arm story, and probably also the upcoming chapter of Heart is a Muscle. If it feels like Renji mentions about six thousand different jobs he had in Inuzuri, I did that on purpose, because I wanted him to feel like a guy who was always on the grind. Most of the jobs were extremely short-lived.

Chapter 6

“I know about wheels!” Renji volunteers. “For a while, I worked at a place that took old carts and swapped their wheels around to make them look different and then sold them again.” Inuzuri is the chop shop capital of Soul Society

“We met a shinigami once, in Inuzuri. We both got real hungry, just from being around them.” I realize that everyone has not watched episode 32 of the Bleach anime 100,000 times, but this happened in episode 32 of the Bleach anime. There’s a screenshot of them in the post above.

Chapter 7 Mr. Mochida’s home district is Zanshien (残紫苑) Lingering Aster. Aster means “remembrance” in hanakotoba. Sometimes I am not subtle.

“There was a girl. That’s a complete story in itself.” Man, you know how I feel about lines like that.

Kaho, written 馨朋, means “sweet-smelling friend” because I was still on my flower bullshit.

Renji clenches one fist. “Our friendship can take this, Rukia. It’s like the book I’ve been reading on bodyweight exercises. The way you build muscle is by tearing the fibers apart, and then more muscle grows in to repair the tears, and that’s how you get stronger.” A lot of times, I have regrets about the name The Heart is a Muscle, but then I write crap like this.

The tapping also shows up in Between Tides.

“when sparrows begin building their nests” is one of Japan’s 72 poetic microseasons. The Japanese school year has begun in April since 1886, so I assume that's when the Shin'ou term starts, as well. I figured the Rukongai kids would try out shortly before then, so that they can just stay if they get in. The idea of official communications from the Seireitei being conducted in the most arcane ways possible was done with love for @bleachbleachbleach

One of the first things I did when I picked up this fanfic again earlier this year was try to calculate how long it would actually take to walk from the Inuzuri to the Seireitei. I have all kinds of notes based on the stuff Yoruichi tells the Karakura kids about how long it takes to walk around the Seireitei, the diameters of Tokyo and NYC, amounts of time I felt would be practical, etc, etc, and in the end, I just used some numbers that felt right in my heart. Time dilation in the deep Rukon is yet another headcanon I picked up from B3, but it’s also how I reconcile the various competing estimates of Rukia’s age. Do not try to follow Mr. Mochida and Hatori’s math, they’re probably using some silly “Thirty days hath September” calculation mnemonics. I think you can take my word for it that Rukia and Renji made it to their tests on time. For the record, they passed.

[magnus-sm-writes]

June 10k Update, the Third

Alrighty, alrighty. This is my third 10k Update for June, and likely the last, though I’m really hoping I can pump out some more words to get to 40k just for the hell of it. Right now, I’m sitting pretty at 31,247, so a nice 10k is achievable. So I’ve got my fingers crossed and my hopes managed.

That being said, this time it took a decent ten days to reach this number when it took five days last time, and that’s because I just Wasn’t Feeling It this weekend. I did some pretty important errands (scheduling a testosterone appointment, buying wedding rings, et cetera) that took precedence over writing, and then was a little too tired to want to write when I got home for the day. You know how it is.

I mostly focused on my current WIP (Demon) Hunting for Love. This has included making a playlist, writing a lot, and doing a ton of daydreaming. Daydreaming is one of the activities I do best. This project is very fun to daydream about because it mostly ends up being goofy banter.

A great thing about (Demon) Hunting is that it’s entirely built off the chaotic dynamic between Otto and Quincy, so when I want to be inspired to write, I can just pop on really any sort of podcast or video series where two goofballs joke around. CreepCast, old Buzzfeed Unsolved, UNHhhh—that sort of thing. It works quite well! I always find myself pretty motivated to write with some silly background noise. Combine that with some clips of found footage horror movies (Grave Encounters, V/H/S, As Above So Below), and I’ve got a bonafide way to (hopefully) finish this novel.

This is the furthest I’ve gotten into writing a novel in a long time. With my fantasy works, I tend to skip around because I’m imagining a bunch of different time periods within my characters’ lives. When it comes to most of my rewrites, I’ve often got a sagging middle that I dread fixing. (Demon) Hunting is fun because I’ve got the plot mostly thought out and it’s just… flowing quite nicely from me. I’m a very big fan of that. Carrying through with this momentum is vital to finishing this novel. Because I will finish it, dammit. If not during Pride, then next month. It will be done!

So, content-wise, this is pretty (Demon) Hunting-heavy, just like the last couple of updates have been. I wrote a very small amount for Tsarevna of the Horned Crown. Not much, but enough that it felt somewhat substantial. And an equal amount for a blog post on work-life balance that I am probably not qualified to talk about. Nevertheless, I proceed.

Let’s go!

I’ve reached a part of (Demon) Hunting that I’ve been looking forward to: the getting-together bit. That’s not a spoiler because it’s a romance novel. They’re supposed to get together. How it happens it meant to be the surprise.

Already, I’ve written out three different first kisses, just to figure out when and where the damn thing will happen. Those have now been solidified, I think, so I should be good to go as long as I don’t make any major changes to the location.

I’ve also branched out into writing from Otto’s point of view! Now that Quincy isn’t the only POV, we get to see how Quincy’s “demonic charms” come across to other people. And it’s… not as bad as it could be, honestly. He just comes across as a charming, eccentric weirdo who has a bunch of quirks that Otto really wants to understand better. And along the way of trying to understand those quirks, Otto falls in love with him. Romantic!

It’s so lovely to write about people falling in love. Especially when one of them (Quincy) doesn’t want to be doing that at all. Quincy’s having a moral crisis for one of the first times in his life, and he’s not having a good time with it. It’s one thing to fuck around with a human. He’s a demon; that’s his job. It’s completely another thing to fall in love with said human target. And Quincy is super conflicted about this the whole time it’s happening. He’s a full-on mess for the first time in his life. All because of a human!

This is no way for a son of Satan to be acting. The drama is building each time Quincy visits Hell and has to come up with a new reason as to why he’s suddenly really into doing a long-con against this specific human.

A recipe for disaster if I’ve ever created one.

Since I’ve been focusing on a big climactic moment between Otto and Quincy, I’ll only share a little thing. Spoilers. ;)

They’re in the Hell Hole, for reference. The Hell Hole is a cave in Santa Cruz that is pretty widely regarded as one of the more difficult caves to spelunk. According to this YouTube video, the entrance is about one foot tall and twenty-six inches wide. My mother calls it “Satan’s Mail Slot” and forbade me from ever stepping foot in there. It’s that small of an entrance because, if you can’t fit through there, you sure as hell can’t get through most of the cave. There are a lot of tight squeezes and “birth canals” that make it pretty difficult to wiggle your way through, even as an average-sized person.

(I still really want to despite being forbidden! Or maybe because of it.)

For Otto, though, there is no struggle. He has no capacity for common sense or self-preservation. It’s about the thrill, the challenge, the ability to say he did it. There’s no point in dying without anything to be remembered for. He has to be significant. He wriggles between the cave walls and reminds himself to breathe evenly. This is easier than hunting ghosts. Way easier than hunting demons. There’s honestly very little for him to get freaked out by in here, other than how tight everything is.  Some sort of human survival instinct wriggles with him in the back of his mind. Danger! it shouts, and Otto pays it no mind. Part of him is always afraid, always thinks he’s in danger. He likes the way it feels, the way it makes him feel a little insane. His blood pressure is pretty high. Probably from doing such extreme activities on a regular basis. But so what? He has Quincy. No one can get hurt while Quincy is around.

Otto is just like me. He has no self-preservation instinct, which is one of my worst traits. I really want to learn how to swim so that I can get my diving certification and go cave diving, despite watching lots of videos about the many horrible ways you can die doing that. I’m dying young from either my allergies or my hubris.

So that’s it, for now! Lots going on with the Hell Hole that I really wish I could share, but can’t. The process is going pretty quickly, all things considered. I’m worried I’ll get a little sidetracked by wanting to rewrite Body. Fingers crossed I can finish this before I ADHD all over the place and it joins the unfinished WIP graveyard.

[jcmarchi]

Critical Need of Ammo Supply: Preventing Russia's Artillery Advantage in Ukraine - Technology Org

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/critical-need-of-ammo-supply-preventing-russias-artillery-advantage-in-ukraine-technology-org/

Critical Need of Ammo Supply: Preventing Russia's Artillery Advantage in Ukraine - Technology Org

The war in Ukraine strongly relies on artillery and drones. Of course, other weapon systems play their part too, but artillery and unmanned aerial vehicles do a lot of work in this war. Ukraine manufactures thousands of drones on its own and they are relatively cheap. Even the tank killer drones are relatively inexpensive. But the shortage of artillery shells is a big problem.

Ukraine is in a desperate shortage of ammunition, while Russia continues to grow its own production of shells. Image credit: Armyinform.com.ua via Wikimedia (CC BY 4.0)

Russia produces nearly three times more artillery shells than the United States and Europe can provide Ukraine, CNN reports, citing NATO intelligence estimates and other sources.

According to NATO intelligence, Russia produces 250,000 artillery shells per month, or about 3 million per year. Meanwhile, the United States and Europe together can annually produce only about 1.2 million shells for Ukraine. This is a heartbreaking difference, which is absolutely inevitably going to have a huge effect on the situation on the battlefield.

The U.S. has set itself a goal of ramping up production of artillery shells to 100,000 a month by the end of 2025. That’s great, but this will still be less than half of Russia’s output. And that production ramp-up will take a lot of precious time.

Analysts note that there is an arms manufacturing war going on right now and the outcome of it is going to be extremely important for Ukraine. Ukraine didn’t choose to be attacked and already showed great determination to win this war. However, it is switching to a new artillery standard and cannot create a large weapons industry while being at war.

M777 towed howitzer in Ukraine. Image credit: Головнокомандувач ЗС України / CinC AF of Ukraine via Wikimedia (CC BY-SA 4.0)

Russia now fires about 5 times more artillery rounds than Ukraine. Because they have them in stock. An anonymous NATO source said that Russia’s ammunition factories are working around the clock. About 3.5 million people work in Russia’s defence industry at the moment – 1-1.5 million more than before the war. However, not all the shells that they are using are actually made in Russia.

Russia imports artillery ammunition from Iran, which has sent around 300,000 artillery shells to Russia in 2023. North Korea has provided Russia with at least 6,700 shipping containers containing millions of rounds of different kinds. While Iran and North Korea do not seem like powerful military allies, they do have a lot of old-school artillery shells, which allows Russia to keep up a devastating pace of its attacks.

Nevertheless, according to CNN, Russia’s weapons stockpiles are still insufficient to meet its needs, so a major breakthrough is not on the horizon. Or so it seems. If Ukraine cannot improve its own ammo situation reliably for a long-term war, it will always be at a huge disadvantage.

Written by Povilas M.

Source: NV.ua

[randomlyritchie]

Today in my fasting time I read 1 Kings 12. I usually just read one chapter but the next chapter seemed like it was going to be interesting. And interesting it was. Chapter 13 speaks about a man of God who went & prayed on the altar. God showed him a sign of what was to come. The wicked king tried to come for him & God withered his hand. I just wish that we still could witness things like what happened in the Bible today. Anyway, if you read, you will see that the king’s hand was eventually restored. Here’s where the story got really bleak: The man of God was offered by the king to come back to his house to refresh & get a reward. The man of God said that he was instructed by God not to eat or drink anything in that place. So, he set off on his journey. WELL…some lying behind prophet took it upon himself to go & find this man. He offered the man to come to his house & eat. The man of God told the prophet the same thing he told the king. The prophet LIED to the man of God & told him that an angel spoke to him by the word of the Lord. He led this man to believe that God wanted to come back to his house to eat & drink. So, the man of God does it. This is what happens next…

The rest of the verse says: “brought back.”

I just… first of all…the fact that the prophet came crying (like what are you crying for??? You’re the one who lied on God!) is just beyond me. It’s like, now you wanna cry??? Second of all, I don’t understand why the lying prophet didn’t get punished. The man who came to the altar already seemed like he was teetering on the edge. He said no twice. He probably really was hungry too. I don’t know that I would have trusted the prophet…but I could see how this would happen. I just feel really bad that God let this happen to the man of God. I’m gonna be honest, I tell God that I understand why people don’t follow Him. I know this is Old Testament & we don’t live like this anymore…but it still feels hurtful. Like, how come God didn’t make the prophet’s tongue fall out as soon as he lied??? I feel like modern day life can still feel like this. I’ve actually hated God at different points in my life. I used to feel like I could potentially go to Hell because I was so upset with my life. I now understand that God still loves me…but I still struggle with hatred sometimes. Like, I just really want to be honest. Walking with God is not easy. And it’s situations like this that mess me up in the head. Like, God why? The man was trying to obey you. I feel like some pastors might be really harsh on this man & just focus on his disobedience. I will focus on that in a minute. But as someone who has been to Hell & back, I don’t have the heart to beat people over the head. I know some would ask why I even follow God. It’s because I know He’s real. I also know that He showed up when I was a kid & drew me to Him. I’ve been with God for so long that I don’t feel like I could ever leave Him. Plus, I really do love Him. Nevertheless, I don’t always understand why life just feels so cruel. And how do I honestly explain this to people that also may hate Him? It’s more complicated in my heart than what I’ve ever heard explained at church.

The lesson that I would use as application would be to listen to God against everything. Where the man of God went wrong was to just trust this prophet without praying to God for a sign. God never showed him to trust this man & unfortunately he suffered greatly for it. All I could think about was the TikTok prophets when I was reading this. Because there are a a lot of people claiming to be prophets (or have words from the Lord) on TikTok. Some I can get with & some I have to swipe away from. Some I actually feel like God has spoken to me through. This passage also made me think of the church. You just have to be really careful who you listen to. It’s SO IMPORTANT to be praying & reading your Bible above all else. God takes rank over your pastor. If something is off, you need to be able to discern it. You can’t blindly follow people who claim to be of God. This is how you get burned. Trust me, it’s happened to me before. I’ve also seen shady things happen in congregations. I personally have ALWAYS been leary of prophets, so I still don’t completely internalize most things they say. I usually go pray about it. So, this is long enough now. Just stay close to God. Life is hard & when you get weak it’s so easy to trust in the wrong things. The consequence may not be this brutal, but there may be some kind of drama. I know I even get down on myself for not consistently reading my word for more strength. So, even just the internal condemnation that you can go through. It’s just not worth it. So, these are my thoughts on today’s reading. I hope it makes sense. Happy Sunday! I love you all…even though some of you be testing me (laugh…it’s sarcasm 😝🥰🫶🏾)!

[kult--ure]

THE SEMIOTICS OF WASTE

as we edge ever closer to climate apocalypse, narratives around waste & overconsumption occupy an increasingly important space in cultural conversation - in diagnosing how we got here and looking ahead at the change needed to save us (we hope!).

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in more academic circles, we see this in the growth of degrowth. degrowth argues that consumption needs to be rebalanced globally, offering a vision of a more sustainable world in which the global north no longer overconsumes, and the global south can grow to better meet their needs. meanwhile, on the other end of the cultural spectrum, skepticism towards shein has fired up again on socials. shein is arguably the brand most synonymous w poor-quality, throwaway fashion, and this time, vitriol is aimed at a shein-arranged influencer trip to factories in guangzhou. this has broadly been seen as an exercise in sustainability-washing with the influencers' overly positive, one-sided takes on shein business & labour practices receiving backlash online.

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reducing our overconsumption in the global north and refusing to buy into & support brands like shein seem like the obviously 'right' things to do to avert climate catastrophe. but these things are much easier said than done.

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the trickiness & complexity in conversations around degrowth & fast fashion reflects this. in 'the future is degrowth', the authors acknowledge that you can't just tell ppl in the global north to consume less, that a paradigm shift from private wealth to public abundance will take a lot. equally, you can't just tell ppl to stop buying fast fashion. brands like shein thrive because they meet the needs for style, affordability & size-inclusivity (as these comments show), needs that sustainable fashion doesn't meet altogether, and which thrifting doesn't always meet either. that's why shein is a hit with budget-conscious gen z, despite them also being the most sustainably minded generation. it's also why shein achieved record profits in the first half of 2023.

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-- so what can you tell people? this is why i wanted to look at the semiotics of waste: to see how different narratives of waste are showing up in culture, and how brands & organisations looking to encourage less wasteful living might tap into them.

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WHAT I DID

a quick scan to capture cultural data for analysis. i looked to various sites & voices narrating 'waste' - news media; social media & influencers; activists, charities & NGOs; brands & innovation; events & experiences; and a light-touch look at art, books & documentaries too. within this, i tried to cover different types of waste: plastic, food, textile, energy and overconsumption in general. the scan was conducted in english, which gives all of this a mostly UK / US skew.

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what i've done is by no means a thorough & comprehensive look at the cultural landscape of waste: the core analysis was done in about an afternoon. but it will hopefully throw up some interesting ideas nevertheless :)

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HOW MEANINGS OF WASTE ARE SHIFTING

first, let's take a look at three key cultural drivers and how they're sparking change in the ways waste is narrated:

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growing fatigue with permacrisis: the past few years have hit us with what's felt like a never-ending stream of crises: covid-19, the russia-ukraine war, the resulting energy crisis, inflation, economic downturn, and ofc the climate crisis. ppl are experiencing collective 'crisis fatigue', becoming numb to & detached from persistent threats of doom. > > > as a result, we're seeking more joyful, hopeful, positive ways to face up to the challenges of today. alongside narratives of waste that evoke doom & gloom, ones that deal in possibility & (knowing, grounded) optimism are gaining traction. -

decreasing trust in authority: for a while now, ppl have been turning away from institution & establishment. in 2016, michael gove proclaimed that 'britain has had enough of experts'. more recently, calls to 'eat the rich' show further disdain for the elite, entitled & privileged; in the arena of marketing & sustainability, the efforts of big brands are met with cynicism & questions over greenwashing. > > > as a result, we're increasingly drawn to narratives that centre the power & perspectives of 'the people'. these are narratives of the ordinary extraordinary, that are human & true to real life, that emphasise the potential of the individual to make a difference, especially when you add all of us up together. -

the climate crisis is established definitively as a genuine emergency in the global north: record temperatures across the world, heatwaves & wildfires in europe, that weird orange haze over nyc - it's been a hot girl summer but not in the way we wanted. the end of the world finally feels imminent in the countries w the economic & political clout to kick up a fuss. > > > as a result, we're after real solutions. we're not just tired of the doom & gloom; we're also done identifying & talking about the problem. talk is cheap and action is urgently needed. we're looking for tangible, realistic, effective ways out of this mess. -

these are themes that we'll see reflected in how dominant codes are giving way to emergent ones. now - let's get mapping!

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MAPPING THE CULTURAL LANDSCAPE OF WASTE

by pulling apart the cultural landscape of waste via its binary tensions, we can start to make out the key ideas & narrative forces that continually shape & reshape our understanding of waste & what it means:

FIXED < > FLEXIBLE

at the FIXED end of the axis, ideas of waste, its value, whether it's good or bad are unquestioned & unquestionable - and in the FIXED school of thought, waste is decidedly 'a bad thing'. by contrast, the FLEXIBLE side of the map sees looser, more changeable, and more frequently challenged & contested ways of understanding waste. it might be good or bad or something in the middle, a mix of both, all depending on your perspective.

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REACTIVE < > PROACTIVE

this spectrum is about how waste is approached or dealt with. in the top half of the map, REACTIVE is about what happens after the fact, what we do w waste once it exists. here, waste is a noun, a physical 'thing' we need to do sth with. on the other hand, PROACTIVE is about avoiding the creation of waste in the first place. waste is a verb, and it's up to us whether we waste or not.

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from here, these two binary tensions pull apart our map to give us...

within each of the four territories, i'll pick out a dominant vs. emergent code or expression of that space. i'm sure a fuller look at the semiotics of waste would find more codes, but here are eight just for now. starting in the top-left--

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IN DETAIL - SEMIOTIC CODES OF WASTE

WASTE AS A PROBLEM TO BE SOLVED

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dominant: authoritative alarm > > >

didactic & assertive, unnerving & persuasive - this is waste as told by experts, a warning that waste is a pressing issue with major consequences, and a one-way, top-down call for 'us', the ordinary ppl, to change our ways. unfortunately, there's more than a hint of the white saviour in this code: though [authoritative alarm] centres the consequences of waste in the global south, the agency & voices of black & brown ppl go ignored, while the global north is positioned as both the cause & solution to the problem of waste.

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signs & cues: landfill imagery, usually from the global south; mountains of plastic waste in particular; red & yellow colour filters suggest danger & warning; stormy clouds & skies act as metaphor for threat; numbers & statistics shock and express the scale of the problem; (white, male) experts explain the problems & consequences of waste to an assumed global north audience; black & brown ppl are presented as passive victims of overconsumption in richer countries (bodies on an assembly line)

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key topics, channels & voices: plastic & textile waste, traditional news media, established charities & NGOs, documentaries

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> > > emergent: collective power

in this narrative of waste as a problem, the solution is born out of the power of the people & the wisdom of the crowd. it's about ppl coming together across the world to 'do the dirty work' of fighting waste: marching across their cities in protest, documenting the effects of waste as they see it, fishing plastic from the oceans. inclusive, egalitarian & stemming from the grassroots, [collective power] sees the world as a global village in which we all have equal power & responsibility to take action & make things better.

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signs & cues: ppl 'doing the dirty work' of fighting waste around the world, esp in groups together and in public places that belong to everyone; protest iconography (e.g. placards, banners, badges, all in bright, attention-grabbing colours); first-person, candid, phone-shot photos & footage centre ordinary perspectives on the ground, and give the feel of citizen journalism; social media comments are highlighted & referenced to platform different views on a topic

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key topics, channels & voices: plastic & industrial waste, activist groups, social media, brand-led initiatives

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WASTE AS UNDESIRABLE AND TO BE MINIMISED

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dominant: aspirational clean > > >

an idealised vision of a waste-free world, [aspirational clean] sells us the dream: a pure, wholesome, virtuous life in which waste & excess have been eliminated, and ppl live in harmony w nature. visually, this code draws on the worlds of wellbeing & slow living to evoke a sense of balance & calm. the darker underbelly of this code is the suggestion of control & restraint - and implied lack thereof should you give in to excess, and then the meal deal of moralistic judgement, pressure & guilt that also comes with.

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signs & cues: clean, neutral colours (e.g. cream, tan, dove grey); natural, organic textures (e.g. natural sponge, cotton); natural light & shadow; bursts of blue sky & green, leafy foliage offer further signals of nature; ppl merge & blend symbiotically w the natural world; social content educates on the small / incremental steps, changes & hacks to make in your lifestyle, to get create a minimalist, waste-free life

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key topics, channels & voices: food, plastic & other everyday waste, zero-waste lifestyles, influencers, sustainable micro-brands, sustainable products / ranges from bigger brands

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> > > emergent: hopeful realness

another code rooted in lifestyle & minimising your own personal waste - but in a way that's real, scrappy & means different things to different ppl. [hopeful realness] is a manifesto to do what you can & just live your life. it's an acknowledgement that waste-free isn't possible or accessible 100% of the time, for 100% of ppl, but that if we all do a little, that adds up to a lot. this code is celebratory, fun & positive, yet grounded in an understanding that life is messy, and that faced by crisis, we're all just doing our best.

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signs & cues: bright, bold colours and all-caps sans serif typefaces give sense of joy and confident acceptance & assertion of an imperfect approach to waste; messaging encourages ppl to do what they can, and celebrates collective, cumulative wins; imagery shows joyful, candid, real-life moments of waste reduction; comic-style illustrations lend further fun & playful-ness

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key topics, channels & voices: food, plastic & other everyday waste, influencers, social media, sustainable micro-brands, activists, newer charities

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WASTE AS A RESOURCE WITH POTENTIAL

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dominant: engineered ingenuity > > >

[engineered ingenuity] is about science & technology as tools for progress & advancement, invention & innovation; it's about careful, precise, mechanical processes & techniques that unlock the potential of waste. at its core, [engineered ingenuity] taps into the idea that the scientists & experts will 'save us all' from the climate crisis, and the idea that tech is necessarily a force for good & onwards momentum - ideas that are being questioned not just in conversations around climate, but also more widely in big tech, big data & privacy.

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signs & cues: imagery of industrial, mechanical production; cold colour palette gives sense of control, safety & rationality - silver & blue are prominent; claims centre on the depth of research, planning & development; diagrams & blueprints reference technical planning & precision; ppl are mostly absent or recessive & anonymous when depicted (e.g. disembodied hands), creating sanitised environments

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key topics, channels & voices: plastic & industrial waste, recycled products, innovation, brand comms around waste mgmt, brand websites, documentaries

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> > > emergent: creative dynamism

[creative dynamism] looks at waste as an amazing untapped resource, and asks: what can we do with this? what can we make here?? waste is brimming w creative possibility, if only you have the imagination & inspiration to make sth different & unique, to breathe new life into sth old, to take scraps and turn them into much more than the sum of their parts. one of the first signals of this code was nose to tail eating; now it's sth we can all get involved in, as artists, makers & craftspeople using waste as our medium for expression.

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signs & cues: bright colours signal creative energy; animation of waste presents it as exciting, alive & full of potential; specifically, the process of waste being turned into product is animated, to signal the imaginary, magic & even slightly surreal; elsewhere, the human involvement in that process is depicted, to emphasise the creativity & heart that goes into it and individuality of the result

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key topics, channels & voices: food, textile & industrial waste, influencers, social media, brand-led initiatives & innovation, sustainable brands & sub-brands / lines

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WASTE AS WHAT YOU MAKE IT AND MAKE OF IT

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dominant: quirky imperfection > > >

just because sth is battered & bruised, dirty & discarded, mutated & malformed, doesn't mean it's for the scrap heap. in an inversion of 'one man's food is another's man's poison', [quirky imperfection] invites us to consider that the very reasons we don't want sth might be exactly why someone else does - and that we might find treasure in their trash too! this code plays into ideas of circularity & the sharing economy, but while inviting us to see things from another's perspective, doesn't challenge us to change our own.

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signs & cues: an overall mismatched & jumbled aesthetic, with clashing colours & patterns and waste in heaps & piles; likewise, imperfections are overtly shown as they are (in dirt on plant pots, yellowing pages of books), not disguised, glossed over or hidden away; imagery of ppl feels casual & everyday, shown in circular moments of swaps & shares; copy encourages circularity & questions whether sth is truly 'waste'

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key topics, channels & voices: food & textile waste, vintage & second-hand shops, sharing / circular apps & events, social media

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> > > emergent: gross beauty

[gross beauty] toys with our instinct to react to waste as a categorically bad, dangerous, unsafe & unsanitary 'thing'. objects of disgust & repulsion are treated with tenderness & care; rot, decay & decomposition are almost fetishised under a watchful, longing gaze. this code unsettles our deepest compulsions to avoid & reject waste, a visceral reaction that's gone unquestioned as a guarantee to human survival. in complete subversion of that instinct, [gross beauty] is a provocation to see waste as precious, alluring & beautiful.

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signs & cues: this code feels highly emergent, so its cues are relatively few compared to the other codes - macro close-ups of waste, especially documenting the process & stages of decay in food waste, suggest a loving, fascinated gaze; high colour saturation brings out the colour in that process; emphasis on texture within all this (e.g. fluffy mould, decaying crust) subverts repulsion into curiosity & desire to touch

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key topics, channels & voices: food waste, social media, art - e.g. kathleen ryan's oversized, gem-encrusted sculptures of mouldy fruit

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HOW MIGHT BRANDS & ORGANISATIONS USE THESE CODES?

this ofc depends on what exactly the brand / organisation is looking to achieve, where they are now, their challenges, their category and so on. but as thought starters, here are some possibilities that these semiotic codes raise:

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lots of established charities & NGOs tend to speak from a place of [authoritative alarm] with stature & expertise, but also unfortunately tipping into white saviour-ism. how might organisations like this draw on [collective power], to continue driving home the urgency of waste as a problem to be solved, but in a way that's much more inclusive & egalitarian? -

brands playing in [engineered ingenuity] / [creative dynamism] are taking a reactive approach & making sth out of waste once it already exists. how might they round out the way they're tackling waste, by speaking to proactive approaches too in [aspirational clean] / [hopeful realness]? -

[gross beauty] is particularly emergent and seems to be mainly surfacing in food waste and to a lesser extent, in textile waste. but what if we were to apply this narrative to the ways we talk about plastic? what if we were to reframe plastic waste as precious, alluring & beautiful - how might that open up newer, fresher, more culturally resonant ways to motivate ppl to reduce plastic waste?

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it was a lot of fun looking into the different ways that waste is showing up in culture. before getting into the analysis, my brain could mostly just conjure up images of landfill, beach clean-ups & aesthetic (& v expensive!!) zero-waste stores in london. however, there's so many more exciting & culturally vibrant things going on here!! all of which means rly rich territory for brands & organisations to be thinking about, looking ahead to & tapping into.

[writtenbygicel]

why social media detoxing matters

Whether we post pictures, videos, or simple messages social media is the main source of platform we use in order to do so. It’s especially beneficial when we communicate with friends or loved ones who live overseas; and is even more beneficial today as we live through the covid-19 pandemic where everyone is obligated to stay at home and maintain a distance from others when needed to go out.

I actually recall the first time I’ve created a social media account. As I remember it, it was for a now closed social media network called Friendster. I was in 4th grade and it was the very first time I was exposed to the various functions of a social media website. In fact, I remember being so fascinated at how we could change the appearance of the profile backgrounds and the ability for friends to comment on your profiles.

I also recall January 2010 when I first created my Twitter account. At a young age, I liked the idea of writing (short stories, poems, journaling, fanfiction, or just simply writing out my thoughts) and when I found that the main thing you’d be doing on Twitter is to write out thoughts or status updates or anything similar to that, I was excited to use it; and to this day I still find myself using the social media site often.

All that being said, however, social media also has its downsides. It’s become second nature to use the platform as an inherent outlet to express toxicity and criticism.

Years ago, it was all just a lot of wholesome content wherein people can share their thoughts and bits of their lives to others. Now it’s become a place full of hatred and self-entitlement, where people are always cancelling out anyone who has a different perspective on a certain topic instead of educating them; and because we are constantly exposed to those kind of things, we tend to feel drained immediately even if the hate or judgment isn’t directly being thrown at us. Dissapointing as it may seem, it doesn’t have to always be that way.

There’s a term called “social media detox” wherein you spend at least one day (or some days) completely not using any social media. I’ve been doing social media detoxing for a while now and it’s been so refreshing for me as it allows me to take my time to relax and shift my focus back to the present moment and just stop overthinking. I find that when I spend too much time scrolling on my timeline, I tend to overthink as I get a glimpse of other people’s posts or thoughts. As someone who’s struggling with mental health, it’s really important for me to take the time to do a social media detox at least once a week. Nevertheless, I personally believe that social media can still become a better place for people to communicate and express themselves without being cancelled out. I just wish people would learn to understand and love others more, only criticizing when it’s proper to do so (and not on every single post or person). I also highly encourage anyone who’s reading this to do social media detoxing as well. It’s going to be a bit difficult to not look at social media and scroll through your timeline but I hope that you’ll take on this challenge and see the positive difference in how you feel emotionally and mentally. Plus, you’d be able to do other much more relaxing and productive things when you do this.

[thislovintime]

The Monkees, 1966.

“‘Do you know, while we’re sitting here talking, I’m getting mad because I got kicked out of Disneyland because I have long hair?’ Dolenz asked. ‘Our show is going to go higher and higher in humor,’ Jones said. ‘We are trying to take Peyton Place’s audience away.’ ‘Mike wore a hat as a trademark,’ Tork said, ‘but as soon as he had to wear it, he got tired of it. So he began wearing a bowler in public.’ ‘I’m having the original hat bronzed,’ Nesmith said. ‘We’re doing a story about a kid who is tossed out of Disneyland because he has long hair,’ Dolenz said. ‘Micky has a monorail mind,’ Tork said. ‘Tell your readers to picket Disneyland,’ Jones said. ‘Don’t pick it, it will never heal,’ from Tork. Peter picked up his guitar and began to sing. ‘Peter sings at the drop of a hat,’ [Davy] said, dropping Mike’s green wool hat. They all joined in for a pretty chorus.” - Article by Joan Crosby, Hope Star, October 22, 1966

“[Before filming the pilot episode] they put us in a room with $20,000 worth of equipment and told us to sort out who would play what. I could sing but couldn’t play anything. I was trained as an actor. Micky Dolenz was a guitar player but we needed a drummer so he took up the drums! Peter Tork can play about 10 instruments so he got hold of the bass guitar while Mike Nesmith picked up a guitar, an instrument he’d taught himself.” - Davy Jones, Record Mirror, January 7, 1967

“[Peter’s] really a genius, a prolific musician — he plays about seven instruments.” - Micky Dolenz, Record Mirror, February 11, 1967

“The most important thing is that we’re such different people. Know how I see us? Well, I’m tall and skinny and ugly. And there’s Micky who’s wild and keen like a little chihuahua. And Davy who is cute and cuddly. And Peter who is the one who plays a dummy, though he isn’t a dummy and he sort of makes a comment on that.” - Mike Nesmith, Record Mirror, February 18, 1967

“It makes me mad and violent to hear people putting the others down. I know how darned good they are on their instruments and in their playing and in their acting. I don’t care for myself because I’ve been around long enough to be able to look after myself… but to say guys like Mike and Peter don’t play is just plain ridiculous.” - Davy Jones, Record Mirror, February 18, 1967

“I have a great deal of respect for Mike as a musician and a songwriter. He’s very good. He could make it on his own easily. Also he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. Micky has a practical side that he tries to hide behind his jokes and imitations, but it’s there nevertheless. I’m not practical at all, so I admire this in him. He’s got his business affairs in order at all times and knows just what happens to all his money and things. I never do. I can’t keep track of how much money I have with me at a given time. Davy has a lot of guts. Internal fortitude if you prefer. I wouldn’t want to be as popular as he is. I mean, I’d like it, but it scares the heck out of me to see the way twenty million girls will rush him at once. What knocks me out is that it’s always me or Mike that’s trampled or ripped. Little Davy (oh, I hope he doesn’t see that) is never harmed, though there will be twice as many after him. I think it has something to do with small people being quick and light on their feet and big people being slow and plodding.” - Peter Tork, Flip, August 1967

[bisexuallsokka]

2? Or 4? For the prompt thing

2: "Can I kiss you?”

As it turned out, there was not a lot of time to - as Mai put it - "DTR" in the hour or so between Sokka and Zuko's first kiss and their last hug for three months. There wasn't time for much talking at all, really, just the first kiss, then the second, and the third, and the twenty third, and then people were calling their names and the sun was getting higher in the sky and Sokka was rushing to the hot air balloon with Zuko at his side as they both tried to put into words everything they needed to say.

"I'll write you."

(The blank parchment seemed to burn Zuko's eyes as it stood between him and his bed after another long day)

"I'll be back soon."

(It was supposed to be a month. One month, then a quick visit, just for fun. Sokka had to delay it to take care of matters at home.)

"Sokka...you know you're my best friend, right?"

(The words fell flat, at least to his own ears. "Best friend"? That didn't seem to scratch the surface, but nevertheless it was still true, and it would have to do for now.)

"I'll miss you."

And that had been it. The last three words Sokka said to his face, and Zuko replayed them in his mind for weeks. Sokka would miss him. Zuko certainly missed Sokka. He missed him in the silence in the halls and in the empty space at dinner and in the loneliness in his study. He tried not to miss him too much, tried not to get distracted, but it proved a difficult task now that he knew firsthand just how distracting Sokka could be.

And he didn't want to be selfish. Really, Sokka had more important things to think about than Zuko. He had better uses of his time than vacations or even just extending the trip of a few days of meetings in the Fire Nation to an entire week. But Zuko couldn't help but want him here, or to be with Sokka in the South Pole.

Until he could make the trip, the week of meetings and sneaking out of the walls and staying up too late talking about nothing and brushing up on their sparring early the next day would have to do. Zuko would soak up every selfish second he could, starting as soon as Sokka's hot air balloon landed.

Which is why he's standing and waiting impatiently, ignoring the whispers of Suki and Ty Lee behind him, clasping his hands together so no one can see them shaking or fidgeting nervously.

As Sokka gets closer, Zuko wants to say he only has eyes for the Fire Lord, but he can't honestly tell, and he can't really think other than to will the landing to go faster. It seems to last twenty years but it's over in a second.

"Zuko."

Not Fire Lord, not Lord Zuko, not Zuzu, not Suki's terrible idea of the nickname of Zooks...Zuko. Has his name always sounded like that? Or is it different because Sokka is the one saying it?

"Sokka."

He puts everything he can't say into those two syllables, and hopes Sokka can hear them. His face brightens, and...of course Sokka understands. He understands Zuko so well that some days it terrifies him, but on days like today, it only reminds him how far gone he is. He's sure Sokka can tell how quickly and how loudly his heart is beating as they embrace, but Zuko doesn't care, he just holds him and holds him and--

"Can I kiss you?"

It's a quiet request, one spoken against his right ear, discreet enough that Zuko could decline and save them any embarrassment.

He wouldn't dare.

He pulls back, just barely, so that he can see Sokka's face but they're still close enough for Zuko to hold him in his arms, solid and real and warm. He allows himself to be selfish, to imagine that the two of them are the only ones in the world and there is nothing for them to do except to be together, and he answers Sokka's question with a kiss.

[holdmytesseract]

Mission (In)Complete

Kylo Ren x fem!Reader

Summary: You‘re on a dangerous mission for the Resistance, in which you have a important part. Destination? The Finalizer. You knew he would be there. What happens when your paths cross with the man you have a meaningful past with?

Warnings: quite angsty, a bit of fluff, the usual Star Wars things?

Word Count: 2,3k

a/n: I’m so sorry! I couldn’t help myself!

My breathing was shaky, as I made my way through the sheer endless winding, grey and black corridors of the Finalizer. The mission was clear. A small group, consisting of Rey, Finn and me should sneak on board of the cruiser and turn down its main shields, so that the air attack - led by Poe Dameron could destroy their main weapons. Or better: The whole battlecruiser. After all, this was the flagship of the First Order and it would cause a lot of demolition, if we could make it to destroy it. It wasn't quite the easy task. It was risky and dangerous, but manageable. My part in this? 'While Finn and Rey are working on turning the shields off, are you, Y/N, going to make sure Ren can't intervene. We are most certain he will be on the Finalizer. The stormtroopers and the rest of the crew won't be the biggest problem. But Kylo Ren for sure is.' I heard Poe's words echoing in my head. It has been his idea. 'Do you feel alright with doing that, Y/N? You don't have to, you know that.' Leia's words and her worried gaze ghosted through my head as well. I didn't know if I was ready to do that, but I agreed nevertheless. And so, here I was now. I had hoped the entire time that he wouldn't be on the ship... Had hoped he was somewhere else in the galaxy, causing destruction. Just anywhere but here. But of course, he wasn't. I could feel him. I could feel his presence the moment I set foot in the big battleship. And I was more than certain that he could feel my presence through the force, too. After all, I was supposed to be his personal bait. It was my job to keep him occupied, so that the others could fulfill their part of the plan. An encounter was therefore seemingly inevitable. It was strange to feel his presence again after such a long time and I didn't know how I should feel about it. It felt good and comforting, yet dangerous and intimidating. See, we two had history. History, I partly wanted to forget, but also wanted to engrave in my memories forever. Bittersweet. "Okay... We meet later in the hangar again. You got this, Y/N?" I nodded at Rey, giving her a smile. "Sure. But you guys better hurry. I don't know if and how long I am able to keep him distracted." They both nodded. "Take care, Y/N. Please," Finn said, hugging me. "Of course. You two as well." So we parted ways, went into the complete different direction. Finn and Rey closer to their destination, while I went as far away from them as possible. My heart hammered against my ribcage, increasing in speed with every corner I took, afraid of when it was going to happen. My senses were heightened. Not just because of Ren, oh no... Because I was on the freaking biggest ship of the First Order! Other people would've labelled this mission suicide... I needed to be careful, had always one hand resting on my lightsaber, ready to use it. I tried to calm myself down, tried to reassure myself that I was ready for this... That I could do it. That I had the strength to face him. Well... Turned out I wasn't. The sudden sizzling sound of an awakening lightsaber behind me, made me stop in my tracks on an instant. He was here. And he was right behind me. I swallowed. Hard. "Y/N." The sound of my name, coming from his morphed voice didn't make it better. Oh hell no. It made my heart rate increase even more - if that was possible. But not out of anxiety... I hadn't heard him saying my name in such a long time. It gave me chills. "What are you doing here?" I clearly couldn't escape this anymore. I had to face this. Him. So I turned around slowly. And there he stood, in all his dark glory, encased by his black robes, face still hidden from my eyes by the helmet. His lightsaber glowed in a threatening red. This wasn't the man I knew. He looked... wrong. I took a deep breath, tried to get myself together and regain some courage. "What do you think I am doing here?" He didn't move a muscle for a few moments, before he levelled his weapon at me. "You better answer me now." What? Was he insisting of fighting me? Really? He couldn't be serious now. I shook my head, unhooked my lightsaber - and threw it away. I would rather die than fighting him. If he really had the heart to kill me, so be it. I hadn't. I could not even hurt him. "I am not going to fight you." He took a threatening step closer towards me. "That's foolish. You don't give me a chance. Talk or fight. Defend yourself or die." I couldn't deny that his harsh words hurt me. They cut like a knife. Would he really go that far and kill me? Apparently, he would. And that was like a slap in the face. But what I also couldn't deny was the simple fact that I still loved him. Nevertheless. But... Where was the man I used to love now? Kylo Ren certainly wasn't him. I decided to not let him see how much he hurt me with what he had just said. Maybe I chose the wrong words earlier... So I tried again. "I am not going to fight the man I love." Barely after those words had left my lips, I could feel the tension rising in him. I saw how he clenched his hand into a fist. He had certainly didn't see that coming. But his answers remained heartless. "The man you love died a long time ago." Yes, I could feel the tension, the anger, the hate - but I could also feel how torn he was. How my love declaration affected him. I didn't believe him. "Is that so?" I slowly took a step closer. "Because I don't think that." Another hesitating step. I approached him like he was a wounded animal, ready to eat me alive any moment. "I know that this man is still alive. And you know it, too. I can feel it. He may be locked away deep down in your heart, but he is still here. He still loves me. And oh, he is fighting against the darkness. Every single day." And another step closer. I couldn't see his face, but I knew how troubled he was. "Do you want to know why I know that?" He answered nothing. Of course he wouldn't. The only sound coming from him was his shaky breath. "Because if you wouldn't still care about me, you would've killed me a long time ago. A Jedi, unarmed on the biggest battlecruiser of the First Order. The Kylo Ren would have never missed the chance to kill that Jedi on an instant." I eyed him closely. "But you did. Because you still care about me. I am right, aren't I? You can't deny it. I can feel it. I can sense that you still have feelings for me, Ben." Ben. That was not what I wanted to say. At least not his right name. It slipped. But it certainly did something to him... He was the one now who took a dangerous step closer, the rage building in him once again. "Don't call me that. Ben is dead." Once again I shook my head. "You didn't answer my question." He didn't move, didn't speak, stood like frozen in front of me - until he suddenly turned off his lightsaber again and let it fall to the ground, leaving us both without a weapon. Seemed like I had reached him now in a kind of way. It made me braver, so I stepped again closer. So close, that I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to. "Take that helmet off." "Why?" He asked sharply. "What do you think you are going to see when I do it?" I swallowed, fought the upcoming lump inside my throat. "The man I fell in love with, such a long time ago." Once again, Ben didn't move a muscle. "Please," I added in a quiet voice. This wasn't anymore about distracting the mighty, dreaded Sith; leader of the Knights of Ren; apprentice of Snoke, Kylo Ren. No. This was personal now. This was about healing the scars of my aching heart and getting closer again to the only man ever existing in my life. Winning him back, in the best case. And I wanted him back. Desperately. I just learned to shut my longing for him out. Learned to banish them. Until now. It all came rushing back, as soon as I laid eyes upon him. That much was clear. My quiet plea seemed to do the trick. Ben hesitatingly reached his hands up to take off his mask, revealing the beautiful face I knew and loved so well. He hadn't changed - except for the big scar adorning his features. But beside that... There were still those deep brown eyes I fell for, although with a hue of yellow in them. His pitch-black curls framed his face, making my heart flutter. It was overwhelming to see him without his helmet after such a long time. It left me speechless for a few moments and I just stared at him, engraving in my brain what my eyes saw. "Why were you so hesitant to take your helmet off in front of me?" No answer. Did I leave him speechless now? "I know that this helmet's only purpose is to hide behind Kylo Ren, but... Why hiding from me?" Once again he didn't answer. He knew I was right. But I didn't expect that he said nothing against it. That he didn't try to deny it. But then his eyes reflected the answer. Anyone would've missed it. But not me. Even if he opened up for mere seconds. I caught the short troubled moment in his eyes. What I saw was fear, guilt and... shame? It made me gasp softly. "You... You are afraid..." I stuttered. "Afraid of what, Ben? Why are you frightened of showing me your face?" That question finally broke down his walls. Once again I saw how he clenched his hands into fists. "Because I am not the man you used to know anymore!" He bursted out. "I don't want you to see me!" "Why?!" Ben stared at me for a moment, panting. "Because I am afraid you are going to stop loving me, when I show you what became of the man you fell in love with." His voice had turned into nothing more than a whisper and his words left me stunned. I tried feverishly to process his words. They had hit me, making my heart ache for him. How could he possibly think of something like that? "Ben..." I said his name, softly and hesitatingly lifted my hand to cup his cheek. He flinched at my touch, a hiss escaping his lips - but he didn't back away. "I could never stop loving you. Nothing could ever make me stop loving you." I saw how his eyes glazed over; saw the hurt and fear in them. I took another step closer towards him and looked up to him, meeting his troubled brown eyes. "My heart belongs to you. It always had. Always will... No matter what..." A shallow breath left Ben's lips and he squeezed his eyes shut. I heard how his helmet hit the ground as he hesitatingly shifted, placed his gloved hands on my sides and leaned down to press his forehead against mine. Another gasp left my lips. We weren't this close for ages. To feel his touch made my heart skip not just one beat. It was actually so wrong, but to me it was more than right. "Y/N, I-I..." I merely shook my head, interrupting him with that gesture, before I moved both my hands to clasp them behind his neck, pulling him even closer. We were guided only by our feelings by now. Both our eyes were closed as we leaned in. Again I could feel how troubled Ben was. How his emotions ran wild inside him. The light battling the dark. I felt his shaking breath as his lips hovered above mine, not even one inch separating us. Time stopped, as we finally collided. The world around us seemed to explode, just like the feelings inside me. The first kiss in years. The first kiss since he left the Jedi temple behind in ashes. It was a delicate kiss. Slow, soft, sensual, but also so full with feelings. Feelings we both had shut out for too long. We were a bit shy and hesitant at first, but after we realised that it felt like coming home, we deepened the kiss - what Ben commented with a deep sigh. I would have kissed him much longer if the loud sound of the alarm sirens hadn't suddenly reminded me that I was still on a mission. So I retreated from his intoxicating lips and ended the kiss, but stayed close to him. "I know you are still somewhere in there, Ben," I whispered, hands grazing his cheeks. "Come home." "Stay." Ben prompted immediately, reaching for my hand. Once again I shook my head, tears starting to form in my eyes. "You know that I can't." I whispered. And before this all could hurt me even more, I reluctantly let go of his hand, picked up quickly my lightsaber from the ground and hurried along the hallway, leaving a completely stunned Kylo Ren behind. Our mission was a success, but it had left my heart bleeding.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Ian Malcolm

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(When I tell you I love this man.)

- You and Ian meet when you attend the same STEM related conference; though it would be more accurate to say that you met while you attended a conference that he was lecturing at. 

- Nevertheless, you were both in the same room and wound up interfacing before the meeting was over; an interaction that would lead to a very interesting and at times exasperating relationship. 

- You found him fascinating; just like pretty much everyone else in the crowd, someone who had a big, entertaining personality in a field that so often lacked personality. You liked him the minute he opened his mouth. 

- He, in turn, thought that you were gorgeous and found himself falling for you the minute he locked eyes on you. He was looking forward to the moment he could slink off stage and find a way to talk to you. He did so right after he finished his speech and the applause settled down.

- He artfully found his way through the crowd and managed to convince the person beside you to switch their seat, taking it for himself after the starry eyed boy got up. 

- The two of you sat in silence for a little while before he leaned over and introduced himself, shaking your hand for a lingering moment before you both turned your attention back to the stage. 

- Another beat of silence passed between you before he leaned over and murmured a funny comment to you, reveling in the way you tried to hold back your smile. You spent the rest of the meeting trying to stifle your laughter as your new ironic commentator continued his jokes and flirtation. It certainly made the conference more enjoyable. 

- Once the shows over and everyone begins to clear out, he asks if you’re doing anything before asking if you’d like to go out and grab a couple of drinks or talk someplace. 

- That's how you find yourself seated next to him at the bar of a nice little restaurant, listening to him explain the chaos theory in detail and trying your best to digest everything that he’s saying; along with your drinks. 

- Along with his mathematical explanations, he also provides a lot of compliments and flirtation. You spend the evening feeling like the most important and sought after woman in the world

- Since you could easily; and very accurately, consider that little get together to be your first date, let’s move on to your first kiss. 

- It’s a date or two later that the two of you share it. You don’t want to give in too easily; even if you want to kiss him a lot sooner, so you play coy until you cant take it any more and the moment feels perfectly right. 

- Perfectly right seems to mean the middle of your kitchen after you invited him in for some coffee but hey, to each their own. 

- Nevertheless, you’d invited him into your home after one of your dates and gone to your kitchen to get the two of you your drinks. He’d followed you in and when you handed him his cup of coffee, he’d leaned in, pressed his lips to yours and given you a soft kiss.

- When he pulled away, he smiled at you, raised his mug, and gave you a somewhat teasing thank you before he lead the way into your living room. 

- One mug lead to another and you've been staying up late with each other ever since. 

- Ian suffers from a deplorable need to constantly be touching you. On top of that, he really isn’t too preoccupied with how other people feel so Pda is very common and performed very shamelessly.

- His arm is usually wrapped around you in some way, whether it be draped across the back of your chair, wrapped around your shoulders, or haphazardly thrown in front of you while a T. Rex is charging towards you.

- Tight hugs; which usually means that you’re being somewhat picked up since he’s so goddamn tall.

- Having your hair played with; oftentimes while he uses his flirtation on you.

- Knee squeezes. His hand belongs to your knee whenever he can’t wrap his arm around you.

- He loves cheek kisses. He loves the sort of showing off feel of them whenever you’re in front of someone else; and he just loves how soft and sweet they are.

- Slow, passionate kisses.

- Oftentimes, you wind up sleeping in the crook of his arm; usually with your head resting against his chest. That being said, the two of you also just cuddle haphazardly, snuggling in any which way you can, your limbs entangled and your bodies relaxed.

- He tends to call you honey or baby but, considering the fact that he calls his daughter Queen, my goddess and my inspiration, there’s room for a few more over dramatic pet names in your relationship.

- Waking up together. Ian's a math professor so, depending on both your schedules, you’re usually getting up around the same time. Although, if you get up earlier than he has to, he’d definitely; somewhat begrudgingly, adapt to your schedule.

- The two of you are attached at the hip a lot of the time. If you choose to go somewhere, he’s bound to follow; whether that be to keep you safe or just because he enjoys spending time with you is anyone’s guess.

- Working on separate things while you’re together. Sometimes couples just want to be in the same room while they do their own thing and I think that’s beautiful.

- Going shopping together. He’s a fan of clothes shopping, groceries, not so much.

- He likes trying out new things and going to all those different places that pop up in town so the two of you visit a lot of new restaurants and shops.

- Going out to dinner at nice restaurants. He’s the Rockstar of the math community so of course he’d want to take you to a few high end places; whenever he could afford it that is.

- Traveling around the world together. Whenever he has to go somewhere, he likes taking you with him.

- Being in the crowds of his conferences and public appearances. You like cheering him on and he appreciates the fact that you’re always there for him; even if he doesn’t necessarily need the support.

- Ian isn’t the greatest at keeping his word and he can get really caught up in his work to the point where he forgets important things, but he does always try his best to make things up to you whenever he can.

- Becoming close with Kelly. She enjoys living with you when her mother can’t be bothered and Ian’s bogged down by work. He loves both his girls dearly so the fact that you get along with each other is very important to him.

- You get to use the fact that you’re with Kelly as an excuse to go do stupid and somewhat childish things like visiting arcades and county fairs. Not that you couldn’t do that without her but I think you know what I mean.

- Movie nights; usually with him and Kelly.

- Museum dates.

- He genuinely thinks that your weird interests and quirks are endearing and fascinating. Other people would consider them strange, Ian considers them to be a compelling part of your personality.

- Seeing you talk about things that you’re passionate about is one of his favorite things in the world. He thinks that drive to learn and do and the intelligence that you possess is extremely sexy.

- Sometimes he’ll just look at you like he wants to eat you alive and it’s extremely problematic. Sir, we are in public.

- Lots of flirting. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, he still enjoys making you flustered and treating you like the prettiest girl he’s ever seen.

- Unnecessary and frankly disrespectful noises. If he doesn’t stop making salacious growls at you, you’re gonna have to act up.

- Letting him explain all his different theories and findings to you. He loves showing off and having your undivided attention.

- Breaking rules together. If you aren’t keen on doing so, he’d definitely tease you for being a goody goody.

- He carries around a flask most of the time so the two of you can always just park somewhere and drink together whenever you feel like. Some of your best memories take place in his car, passing around a little metal container and talking about nothing in particular.

- Sarcasm drips from this mans every pore so you should try to get used to it. As annoying as it can be, it does make for some funny comments here and there.

- Snarky comments; whether they’re directed at you or someone else. Ian can be a bit of a bastard so don’t be surprised when his mouth opens and something mocking comes out. Just be prepared to occasionally slap his arm and stop him from being a total ass to people; even if it’s justified.

- Corny little jokes.

- Trying to keep him from verbally destroying people. He’s very verbal about his opinions so chances are, he’s going to speak his mind at one point or another and you might not want to be there when he does.

- He’s a voice of reason for just about everyone on Earth so if you need someone to tell you when you’re being stupid, he’s perfect for you.

- Sticking with him and being there for him after everything happens. He changes very drastically in the following years after meeting Mr. Hammond but you love him no less.

- No matter what people may think of him, you still defend him and proudly stand by his side. You’ve learned to ignore the opinion of others and not entertain their gossip.

- Helping him deal with the trauma that comes with almost getting fucking eaten.

- Ian doesn’t get jealous very often. He’s secure enough in himself and knows that you wouldn’t cheat on him, but every now and again, if you’re particularly close to like a colleague or something, he’ll show some signs of jealousy. Mainly, he’ll just ask a bunch of questions about them and your relationship; all the while trying to play it off as normal curiosity.

- Ian is incredibly protective of you; particularly after the events of Jurassic park. He’s willing to do whatever he can to keep you safe; even if it means endangering himself or doing something that scares the hell out of him.

- The two of you don’t fight extremely often; and you rarely have very serious fights, but you do have an argument from time to time. He may say something sarcastic or hurtful in the heat of the moment on occasion but he never means it and he always immediately apologizes.

- Very few fights last overnight. He’s usually so quick to apologize and try to sort things out that you’re back on track in no time. Under his egotistical shell, he’s really just a big softie who wants things to be alright between the two of you.

- He tells you that he loves you a perfectly average amount of times; not too much and not too little. And he loves hearing you say it back or just tell him that you love him for no real reason.

- Ian legitimately loves kids. Like he’s fully prepared to get married and start a family with you at any given moment. Believe me, you just say the words and he’ll pop the question.