#this got so long lmao as you can see i had things to say

[ubeb0nes]

Sevika x fem!bar owner!reader

Pt. 2

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a/n: sorry this took so long lmao. I completely scrapped the first version i wrote of this because it just got too damn long

regardless, we're here now and i hope you enjoy!!

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"So… what is it exactly that you do?"

You'd asked her the question on yet another night where she'd stayed extra late, long after the last patrons had bid you a good night (or very early morning) and all the chairs had gone up.

(Sevika had put them up, even after you'd distinctly told her not to before you went into the kitchen. Your fault, really)

She ponders the question, wondering if you're playing at something more or really just asking. She knows you're smart. It's why she likes you. But she just doesn't know how smart.

"I hurt people, usually," she said casually. If the answer offended you, you displayed the opposite of it.

Your glasses clinking was the only sound to clash with the jukebox, ringing in a gentle sense of understanding on your part.

"A lucrative business here," you say.

"In the long-term. Better be, at least."

For someone who's known as The Lioness of the Lanes, it's a while before you ever see her lion'ing about or whatnot.

She's never violent in your establishment. But you know bad people, you know how to pick up someone's capacity for violence. Sevika has a huge one.

But you understand quickly that there's a reason she's called 'Lioness' and not 'hyena', or something. Her violence is never undue. If she bares her teeth, it's to protect.

Physical altercations aren't at all uncommon in your bar. It's the Undercity after all, these things happen but people always move on from it quickly.

You've noticed that people always seem to... "act right" whenever Sevika's at your bar that night. The meanest-looking men in your bar straighten their posture when she walks by their table, others greeting her with a nod of respect (or submission).

"Wow. I'm glad you like me, at least," you say as she sits down, right in front of you like always.

"Says who?" And she always gives that smug little smile when you laugh in response.

While she's watched/admired you put more than one customer on their ass for trying to cause a scene in your establishment, it's always with a protective posture.

She goes into guard dog mode the moment you cross out from behind the protection of your bar to tell a drunkard off. Her poker buddies poke fun at her for it.

She intervenes before you even get the chance to one time. Perhaps it's because the man keeps drunkenly bumping into her shoulder, or because his boisterous voice keeps causing her head to snap over to him.

You're busy laughing at her expense when the man turns his antics on you. You're perfectly content to brush off whatever rudeness he spouts at you, but Sevika clearly isn't when her hand shoots out and grabs the back of his neck.

He'd called you a dumbass or something of the sort in a more distasteful manner when you'd cut him off. Sevika's eyes had flared with a personal, wrathful anger before she'd grabbed him by the scruff.

"You know better," she snaps. It would be as if she were lecturing a child if it weren't for the man's face pressed against the bar. She's pressing him into the surface with nothing but the strength of her human arm, her large body looming over his as he slurs out an apology.

God, you wished she would grab you like that- who said that??

The next time she comes in, you insist her whiskey's on the house.

"Consider it compensation for dealing with that guy last night." She rolls her eyes at you as she lights her cigarillo on the lighter you offer, and throws a few bills on the bartop anyway (hot).

You throw them back at her with a playful glare, and subsequently earn yourself a real one. You feel a shiver run down your spine that's for any reason but fear.

"Don't play this game with me, you'll lose." To you, that really didn't sound all that bad.

Before you can even think, she's leaning forward and tucking the bills into the pocket of your apron in the middle of your sternum. The look she wears is challenging as she sits back, almost expectant of a reaction.

You don't disappoint, reaching out with two fingers to pluck the cigarillo from her lips and taking your own drag. Your eyes never leave hers, watching her shamelessly stare at that damn cigarillo with a burning jealousy.

"Hm. I picked a good brand, didn't I?" "Yeah, yeah, hand it back before you choke, princess."

You try not to let it get to your head (and heart) how it makes you feel when she calls you that, or any other name like 'baby', 'sweetheart', or 'beautiful'.

And you try not to let it get to your head how you seem to be the only one here who she calls those things.

Neither of you had any idea how hopelessly hers you already were.

While Sevika's "occupation" slowly becomes clearer to you, the amount of energy she puts into protecting you is completely out of sight and mind.

She tries to convince herself that her reasoning for continually lying in Silco's face is purely pragmatic; you're good for the community, providing a warm reprieve for the kids in the city against the harsh reality of Silco's slow revolution. As far as she's concerned, Zaun profits more from your continued thriving than any amount of money she could intimidate out of you.

The idea of ever coming into your bar for collections makes her a little sick, if she's honest. Never you. It's far too late for that now.

So when Silco sends her to do exactly that (because you're just that savvy at running your business), she feels her heart churn. She can only say no to Silco so many times and in so many ways. There's no way around this one without raising his suspicions, and she doesn't have the backing to combat that yet.

Your unfailing smile when you see her comes in makes her want to punch her own face in. She hates that she's fond of you.

"Hey good-lookin', you're late! What kept y-" "I'm here on business this time." "O..oh...?"

She explains Silco's tax with a coldness you've grown unfamiliar with from her. You take it like you would a slap to the face, growing angry before you can risk feeling sad.

"Sevika, what the hell is this? I've minded my damn business ever since I opened, the hell did I do to piss him off?" "It isn't personal, princess. You asked me what I do. I don't think I ever gave you the impression it was pretty." "If I knew petty extortion was what freedom-fighting meant to you, then I would've kept those cigs for myself."

You don't give her much more room to say anything after that before you're throwing a bag of coins at her and telling her to get the fuck out. She expected as much. You were hardy and quick to adapt, just like Zaun.

Sevika's done plenty of things in the name of a better future that she isn't proud of. But your money seemed to burn a hole through her hand, and the sting didn't fade even after she'd dropped it on Silco's desk.

"Good work," he said flippantly, as if she didn't always do good work. Go to hell.

She imagines it's your hand holding her lighter when she smokes through nearly half a pack later that night.

The soft voice of a shelved version of her whispers that maybe just this once, she should fight for something only she wants.

She tries to push away the thought and reason that it was always going to end up this way anyways, while you close down the bar for the night alone.

[newkatzkafe2023]

ooooooo I love Pucca and Garu!

So if the Monkey Queens are Pucca that meets Garu!male y/n type of dynamic?

Oh imagine the living hell male y/n has to go through to run across the world to avoid Monkey Queens affection lmao 🤣

Poor ninja boi just wanna go fishing and do his training lol

The crazy thing is, this is not farfetched😅

(Lmk Wukong) She thought you were an adorable and hot ninja monkey, and she couldn't control herself. Whenever your out training your abilities she would come by and give you googoo eyes, at you and your back muscles licking her lips. Wukong would actively stalk you for your love and attention, making sure to tease you as much as you do to her. Though It doesn't take long before you both end up bed🫢.

(NR Wukong) SHE IS THE QUEEN OF CLINGY, the day she saw you her whole world wasn't as grey. Knowing how she had once gave up on the modern world until she met you, seeing you training hard and so Discipline. Wukong's eyes had hearts in them and she purred softly as she gets an eye full of your lean muscles wanting more of you. You saw her everywhere you go, a party, at the mall, even very invasive places like a bathroom stall🫢 You tried to enjoy your fishing hobby one day, but instead of a fish instead you pull out a half naked female monkey. Their no getting rid of her😑

(HIB Wukong) She loves to value her personal space more than anyone, so she wouldn't be too much of a problem. She turned out to have a good amount of self control, until she got a good look at you. You made her so thirsty for you upon seeing your handsome face and lean body like yes, please make sure to spoil her nicely. Don't overthink it to much when you both get naked and alone���.

(MKR Wukong) Now the only time she would ever get clingy and invasion, if she was to get jealous and possessive. Though it's easy to tame those Instincts of hers, with just a bunch of hot make out sessions. Like seriously your hold her leg up to your thigh as you both went at it, it'll be easy to tame her just a bit. Until she gets greedy and she can't get enough of you, now she's chasing you down to the ends of the earth just to taste your tongue again....👅

(Netflix Wukong) You know what's crazy you actually don't mind Wukong running to you for love and affection. You both would have secrets Rendezvous when she gets lonely in the evenings. Make out sessions become a Frequent must memorizing the perfect buttons to push, while your tongue ends up down her throat. If anything she should be running from you, that is if she can😉

(BMW Wukong) Yeah personal space yeah, she don't know her😒 Where ever you run to, where ever you hide Wukong will find you and demand for your affection. She also would steal kisses like nobody's business, and what worse is that she'll come out of nowhere taking what she wants. Though you make to return it tenfold as a thank you for scarying away the fish😈

(Destined one) Now At she knows to give you your personal space, but she quickly gets lonely. She would immediately go to find you as she wants your attention and Cuddles. Which your more then happy to grant, with moments like these you both get very Intimate with each other, and let's just say she'll see nothing but hearts when your ninja claws are done with her😍

FEEL FREE TO REBLOG

[sass-ruby]

okay. HOLY FUCKING SHI-

Sun² (dark sun) looks like he's thriving LMAO 😭

Let me just say, THANK YOU MOON FOR BEING SO CURIOUS

I'm curious too, so this satisfied me so much

We got A LOT of information, and one VERY jaw dropping one

So.. sun² created a paradise for himself and others, most likely suns but not every sun. That- that honestly sounds so sweet 😭 I'm pretty sure by psychotic, sun² meant like- do things without thinking, go insane, kill for no reason ect ect.. since he doesn't like violence from what I've been able to gather. The violence he has probably committed, I am guessing was necessary because sun² thinks reasonably

But I wonder- do suns go there when they die? Like, heaven? There are already people there.. but are those people suns or random people??

His dragon is there to be a protector so, it's most likely dead suns I think..? To protect them? That'd be so sweet, I hope that's the case

Goliath died, oof 😭 I never cared much about him but that ONE THING he said to sun once;

"You..might be pathetic, but you're so much more than them."

The fact that EVEN goliath, someone so egotistical, sees sun's morals.. yet others cant and just see it as being cowardly

Our sun has been proven to be the most empathetic among all suns. He HAS done bad, but hasn't continued to do so, he tried his best to make it right. I love him sm I swear

But oh goodness. There is one MOST important jaw dropping lore we got out of sun².

Oh my fucking gosh.

Oh my.

The fact he chose this sun specifically.. BECAUSE HE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT HIMSELF.

We already knew he was like sun, but moon broke him. Just like how it usually goes in dimensions, here's the thing, though. Even if he did the same back to him, he could NEVER kill him.

Now there's more space to understand why he did it. He couldn't do it, he wanted to give other suns a chance.

Holy shit. Holy shit.

This is too shocking for me I'm sorry

I did not think that SUN² COULDN'T KILL HIS MOON

I guess that was a thing that truly connected all suns before sun's² whole thing

The fact our sun was the first, THE FIRST WHO WAS ABLE TO AND THAT IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.

Finally. FINALLY IT'S BEEN PROVEN HE'S SPECIAL IN SOME SORT OF WAY

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG

The "I hate him, but couldn't kill him" thing reminds me kinda of my mother and I, just with different context 😭 like- I hate her but can't hate her completely. I have mommy issues QwQ

I literally sometimes get so mad at how she treats me that I hope she dies.

Although- lets not get into that

The point I was trying to make is, even when you swear you hate someone close to you... ESPECIALLY YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, you can never completely hate them.

That is only what I've been able to gather from other things like that

ALSO ALSO ALSO aLsOoOoooO

Why did sun² sound so unsure.. at that one part.

"I suppose nexus could sure try, if he was still around. Mumbles if he was still around..."

WHY DID HE SOUND SO UNSURE.

I wouldn't be surprised if he said it like that because he's seen how many times villains come back in this dimension ☠️☠️

LITERALLY I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED

But if nexus comes back, SHIT.

A part of me believes he will. It's after Christmas, and the new tradition is that shit happens after Christmas because the October takeover tradition ended

AAAAAAAAAA

I'll be kinda happy about it, ONLY BECAUSE THE ANGSTTT

YAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAA

Another also and another woa!! >:D

"why does EVERYTHING have to be US"

"you think I have that answer? Heh, even with my intelligence.. I can never answer that one."

EVEN SUN² ACKNOWLEDGES IT

Because the show runners need to feed us, that's the answer <333

Their lives are something else 😭 they have to deal with something new everyday. They can never catch a break

That would be all. BUT HAHSHHDD I LAUGHED SO HARD SEEING SUN² FLY HELPPPPP

He had his "I was a fairy" moment 🎀 NDNDJSJMS

okay now it's all :3

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[rafyki]

About Jack, Joke, and forgiveness

This is one of the main themes of the show, and we're shown this from the very first episode. The whole show is about Joke fighting to get Jack's forgiveness up until episode 5 when he finally get it. But it goes deeper than that, I think; both of their stories are somehow about this, about learning to forgive.

(and it's not even just about Jack and Joke, of course; I think it's natural that in a show with such flawed characters who keep making mistakes forgiveness will be an important theme. but let's focus on the two of them for now or this will become way too long).

Let's start from Jack, because he's the most obvious one

This is one of the first thing we learn of him, he can hold a grudge forever, he doesn't know how to forgive

(and I wonder if Grandma knows this bc maybe Jack still holds a grudge against his parents. of course they did what they did to help him, but they ended up hurting him, both bc he lost his parents and bc they ended up trapping him in a life of debt. Oh no, sounds familiar?)

Jack has to forgive people who hurt him, twice during the show: one of them is Joke, of course, the other one is the Coach. Both are people who deeply hurt him in the past and whose actions toward him negatively influenced his life today. And yet his reactions to their apologies are fundamentally different.

With Joke is all uncontrolled anger, he's so furious he even says that if he wants to be forgiven Joke should try dying.

Yet this is how he reacts to Coach

He has such opposite reactions to those apologies, and I think its because of a few reasons. First, I think he realizes that his current predicament isn't actually Joke's fault; he resents him for giving him false hope, and I think in a way he resents himself for being so naive and falling for it, but he knows that he would have ended up in that situation with Boss anyway, with or without Joke. He's angry because he liked Joke and he lied to him, not because he blames him for what his life has become, he's angry bc Joke represented something good in his life that ended up being a lie, ended up being as horrible as everything else.

With Coach is different, bc Jack's current situation really is also his fault. If he hadn't been a slave to power, if he had been braver and stood up against Carbon and his father then maybe Jack would be in the national team and he would be free of debt and of Boss. Coach is yet another adult who Jack trusted and then betrayed him, yet another adult who's at fault for Jack's life being like that. Coach is a symbol of everything that went wrong in Jack's life because of people in positions of power. Before him and apology, Jack feels empty bc he lost hope in the world, and forgiving the Coach would mean nothing, as nothing means his apology.

Joke fights to get that forgiveness, and Jack can see that; Joke dirties his hands to try and help him, he doesn't back off and he keeps trying - but he doesn't do that for himself, he doesn't do that to find his own peace (bc, and I'll tackle this later, Joke doesn't forgive himself anyway), he does it for Jack - everything he does is for Jack, never for himself. He considers himself the reason Jack is in that position, and he wants to help him because he loves him. And he goes above and beyond to do so.

Coach, on the other hand, he goes to apologize to Jack because he's feeling sorry for himself, bc looking back maybe voting for Jack might have helped him. I'm not saying he doesn't care about Jack at all, but like, he doesn't care that much, he cares mostly about himself. And in fact he backs down right away, he doesn't try to help (until Joke goes to him), he just cries for himself. And Jack has no reason to forgive him, doesn't really have any reason to keep thinking about him at all.

So what changes? I think what changes is that Joke makes him hope again - hope for a better future, hope that not everything in the world is horrible, hope that he can let himself dream again.

And that's why he forgives him; he forgive him even before he admits it; I think by ep 4 he has already given in, and that's bc he saw that Joke is trying so hard, he saw that everything he's doing he's doing it for him, to give him a way out of that life; Joke is showing him hope for the future, something that I don't think Jack had for the past five years.

And that's when he forgives Coach too, when Joke pushes him to talk to him again. When Jack forgives him, it's when he's surrounded by hope, in the place that he can build his dream in, with someone who's ready to support him any way he can by his side.

Joke taught Jack to forgive because he gave him back his ability to hope. Jack has grown so much because of it, and it's clear.

Joke, on the other hand, is the opposite. Joke never had any troubles forgiving, he never holds grudges even when it would be natural to do so. We see that over and over again - first with Tattoo and Hoy when Tattoo steals the necklace; then again with Tattoo when he betrays them yet again; with Jack after Jack pushes him away; and even with his dad, whom he has every right to hate and never forgive, Joke doesn't hold any grudge against him, he even tells him there's no need to apologies. He forgives and forgives and forgives, over and over again.

The only one he can't forgive is himself, always himself.

So while Jack has to learn to forgive others, Joke has to learn to forgive himself. His growth is one of learning self-love and self-acceptance.

He's always the problem in his eyes. He never blames other bc he's always blaming himself. And that's why he's always so ready to throw himself head first into danger. Because he isn't good enough, he isn't worth it, but everyone else? Everyone else is so much more valuable than he is, and so maybe if he can help them then he can somehow prove that he might be worth something? It doesn't matter that he could be hurt or die for it. We also see this over and over again, since the very first episode when he tries to help Rose, even though he knows he can't fight.

He tries so hard, he always tries so hard, and yet he keeps fucking up somehow, he keeps not being enough - and it's not like everyone can be wrong, right? So he must be the problem

When he looks through his brother's social media and look through all those pictures, what he sees is a happy family a family that's so much better off without him. He was the problem, and when he left they were all happier.

I think the only time we see him acknowledging that something isn't entirely his fault is with his dad:

He says this, but at the same time I think he's still blaming himself - bc he became a thief and all that bc his father never supported or loved him, but it's still also his own fault for not being good enough. He's never good enough in his own eyes.

His wish is to not be a burden to the people he loves

And when he finally thinks he's getting there, when he starts to believe that he might have found his place, everything comes crashing down on him.

His first reaction when he hears about what's happening in Suphanimit is to blame everything on himself.

He doesn't hesitate a second before blaming himself, it doesn't matter that he couldn't have predicted this outcome, doesn't matter that Boss is the one ruining everyone's lives, it doesn't matter that there were three other people with him when he stole the ring, three people that could and should take part of the blame on themselves - no, because even the fact that Tattoo, Hoy and Aran were involved is Joke's fault. If Joke hadn't gone to Suphanimit nothing would have happened, everyone would be happier. And that's not true, we all know that's not true! Because despite everything everyone's life is actually so much better thanks to Joke - Hoy and Tattoo are free from debt, Aran found people who actually love him, Jack is finally free to live his life. They all got there thanks to Joke, yet Joke can't see it. It's his fault, after all. His self-hatred blinds him from see the bigger picture of what he was able to accomplish.

That's why he doesn't hesitate of telling Jack that it's his fault, that he betrayed him and everything is his fault. He's actually twisting the reality of things here, bc it's simply not true, not in the way he's saying it at least, he never betrayed Jack. But he simply can't see it. Joke sees the world in nuances and shades of grey until it comes to himself - when it comes to himself it's simply black and white, he doesn't allow himself a second thought. He's wrong, he's the problem, and in his eyes this is the umpteenth proof of that.

Jack learned to forgive, but Joke still has a long way to go before really learning that he needs to forgive himself. I think the last two episodes will give us this, Joke finally growing out of this maze of self hatred, he will learn to see that he is worth it, that he can't blame himself for simply existing. He'll finally learn to forgive himself, and I can't wait for it to happen.

[lord-squiggletits]

Part of why I hate this fandom's take on Autobots vs Decepticons is ppl (mainly 'con fans honestly) who can't have any nuance of the situation whatsoever and love to write plots like "oh the humans are racist and abusive towards Cybertronians so this is how Megatron is right" no actually I don't think colonialism/imperialism and racism are justified so long as you can point the finger and say "they were the aggressors first" or "their hands are no cleaner than ours bc their society sucks too" sorry. Please come up with better sociopolitical narratives in your war story.

[memento-morri-writes]

I've been thinking a lot about how Rook's reunion with his former mentor, Zara, is going to go, and since I can't predict what the DM is going to have her do or say, I can only dwell on what I know is going to happen. Which happens to include taking off the illusion ring that's been hiding his injuries from her. So have a snippet of the description I have planned for that moment:

tw for description of (mostly healed) injuries

He hesitates, twisting a ring on his finger. Looking at it more closely, she can tell it’s very finely crafted, and must have been very expensive. A large emerald is set into the band. Rook sighs, and pulls the ring off his finger in one quick motion.  Immediately she’s struck by the difference in his appearance as the illusion melts away. He looks awful. His warm, healthy skin fades to a dull and sickly grey. There’s huge bags under his deeply sunken eyes, and his cheeks are hollowed, as though they have been carved out by an overeager sculptor. He looks like he’s recently risen from the grave.  While he was thin before, now she can see his ribs under the skin, and his collarbones are exaggeratedly pronounce. Thin white lines left by dozens upon dozens of recently healed cuts are scattered across his body. On top of that, faded bruises cover most of his visible skin, a mottled mosaic of purple and yellow. They’re clearly days, maybe weeks old, and she can only begin to imagine what they must have looked like when fresh. Bandages are barely visible under his shirt, wrapping around his back, hinting at even more injuries.

[enhanced-operatives-division]

i would love to hear about the ollie and handler crack ship here’s a silly doodle as well

LOVE THE DOODLE YOU SEE THE VISION!!!

Also this got my ass to design Ollie so:

(Love him - Also redesigned Reggie for this too so thanks!!)

And idk if it's moreso a crackship or a rarepair that only works in an AU (HACKS up Starstruck), but Reggie's line of "...and I hope Ollie made it out too. I hope a lot of things." It's totally me reading into it but like,,,,I want them to talk because Ollie is not dead to me in my heart of hearts.

Maybe the only change is like Reggie taps into the communication on the radio in Hot Water instead of using the earpiece, so Ollie ends up hearing him also? And they end up getting along really well (with Reggie having to jump through a couple hoops to be like "haha what agency..."). There's an Agency base in the South-East coast of Australia and maybe the Agency ends up adopting him after he washes up on the shore with the escape pod (after HEAVY questioning).

Alas take a doodle of my own:

Transcript (it's just canon lines):

Ollie: "She's being controlled, it's not her fault."

Reggie: "Agent, I have 0 experience dealing with giant security squids."

[keeps-ache]

💫💥today💥💫 i start learning blender >:| !!

[danielnelsen]

sometimes it really does feel like awakening walked so inquisition could crawl

[widevibratobitch]

took a bunch of clothes to my mom's to wash them since my washing machine is still down and she said 'ill do it dw about it' and threw my favourite white top in with the colours. i no longer have a favourite white top :)

[godlessbody]

sandra lynn imagine fumbling three of the baddest bitches in all of spyre and also gillear

[tenwhiteandalusians]

pertaining to the idea of tenax’s band of strays i do think it’s touching that the kids are the ones who saved him and waited outside the door to make sure he’s okay. for all tenax claims to be harsh and cruel it’s a fine indicator of his character that the kids won’t rest without him and are there every time he’s in danger.

[oogaboogaspookyman]

So this turned into a vent somehow!

[ourceliumnetwork]

me: completes a drawing it's taken me 3 weeks to get through also me: has at least one ongoing fiber art project and several writing projects

my brain: WE SHOULD MAKE BRAND NEW THINGS WITH THE YARN YOU WEREN'T GOING TO TOUCH UNTIL YOU FINISHED YOUR CURRENT PROJECTS.

me: can't argue with that

[pondscummy]

I feel like kind of a bad person for this but a lot of the time I really feel like I would heavily prefer dating a cis man to dating a trans man

[no-144444]

guilt tripping- o.piastri

summary: oscar asks something of you that you know you can't do. you do it anyway and it ends in you two almost breaking up. almost.

pairing: oscar piastri x fem! chronic illness! reader

a/n: hey yall, I just broke two ribs (lol) and got diagnosed with a chronic illness (lmao) so I might not be posting as frequently- just dealing with it physically and mentally so yah 😹

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“I don’t know if I can go,” you sighed, feeling even worse. 

“That’s alright,” he assured you, but you could hear the way his excitement depleted and his mood lowered. 

“M-maybe I can work something out, I don’t want to leave you alone,” your guilt grew everyday, this wasn’t healthy for either of you. 

“I don’t want you over-exerting yourself,” he spoke softly into the phone. “I’ll just ask mum if she has any friends that want to go or something. She always brings a million people with her.”

“I don’t want to leave you hanging Oscar. Melbourne is a big race. I’d be happy to come over like a week before, and then come to the race once I’ve had a few days to heal,” you bargained. A 22 hour connecting flight was not something you’d ever wanted to do. You couldn’t do it. You knew the pain would be too bad, yet you still stood there, offering it anyway. “And then I’d come for the race on Sunday, or just small bits on all the days.”

“Really?” his voice picked up, excited now. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure Osc, I love seeing you race,” your smile was more of a grimace than anything, but still, the guilt in your chest lessened as you listened to Oscar speak animatedly about the race weekend, while your anxiety ran through the roof. You couldn’t do all the things he wanted you to do, you never could. This had been a problem at the beginning of your relationship, every time he’d plan a date that wasn’t dinner or a movie, you’d have to break the news that a 15 kilometre hike wasn’t something you’d be able to do on a whim. Things like that took planning, physio, and preparation. Your chronic illness was no joke, and had limited you since you were a teenager. In the past few years he’d gotten much better at everything, from helping you with your physio exercises, attending pilates classes with you, knowing what to do on bad pain days, and always looking out for you in public. You knew he was just getting away with himself, and you didn't want to disappoint, so you agreed to it all, hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be a bad week of pain or flare-ups wise. 

୨ৎ⋅୨ৎ⋅୨ৎ⋅୨ৎ⋅

You got into Melbourne and sobbed when you got in the car. Thankfully, it was Hattie picking you up, so she just held your hand as you silently cried, the joint and too much to bear. You went straight to bed as Hattie explained to the rest of the house that you were exhausted, and Oscar took it at face value. You usually get extremely tired after long days, and you’d just had a 22-hour day of travel. 

“I’ll go check on her-” he started, desperate to see you but Hattie cut him off. 

“NO!” she squeaked, trying to not sound suspicious. Oscar raised an eyebrow. “She’s really tired and she’s already gone to sleep.”

“Yeah, well I’m tired so I’m going to bed,” he explained, stretching then yawning. 

“Osc,” Hattie sighed, knowing she had to tell him. “She’s not… alright. She can’t do 22 hour travel days like you or I can. She has Lupus and she’s still trying to figure out her medication, so it hurts all the time. She cried from the airport to here, all to support you because you asked her to, and she feels guilty every single time she can’t say yes. She’s done real damage to herself by coming here. I want you to understand that, do you understand that?” 

Oscar nodded, because the other option was breaking down into tears. Yes, he’d felt guilty that he couldn’t be there to take care of you while travelling, and he knew he was asking a lot of you when he asked. The guilt settled deep in his stomach and made him nauseous, but still he continued on to his bedroom where you were sleeping peacefully. He could see the puffy eyes, the red nose, the open bottles of medication on the nightstand. He wrapped an arm around your waist, another in your hair and pulled you as close as possible, whispering teary sorrys into your ear. 

When you woke up the next morning, you knew what you had to do. This wasn’t fair on either of you, and you needed to make a change. You quickly (but silently) got up, and started to leave the room, but Oscar grabbed ahold of your hand before you could leave. 

“Please don’t sneak out on me,” he begged, sitting up. He looked wrecked, puffy eyes, red rose- had he been crying? God, had you made him cry? 

“Osc, what’s wrong?” you asked, concern clear as day on your face as you cupped his face with your hands.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I knew I was asking too much when I asked you to come here, I’m so sorry.”

Your heart tightened in your chest. “Osc, I’m alright, I was just tired last night and-”

“Hattie told me,” his voice was deep, deeper than usual, and he pressed a gentle kiss to your hand. “And I’m so sorry.”

“Osc, I could’ve said no if I didn’t think I was able for it,” you tried to reassure him but he shook his head. 

“Y/n, you did say no and I didn’t take it as an answer,” he scoffed. 

You were stunned into silence. “I think we need to have a talk about us, Osc.”

He nodded, taking your hands in his. 

“This isn’t fair on you. I know I can't control my illness, and neither can you. It sucks, but it’s a fact. I wish I could be there for every single race and cheer you on with the other girls, but I can’t. It’s not in the cards for me right now, and I don’t know when it will be. Oscar, I love you so much, and you’ve been with me through everything and I know you deserve someone who can always be there for you, and I’m not that person right now. I love you but I know it’s not enough,” You finally looked at him and he was biting his lip as tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and stood up, dropping your hands as he paced his bedroom. “You know how much I love you, don’t you?” he asked and you nodded as you held back more tears. “So you know that I still feel your support even when we’re in different time zones or on different continents, right? You know that I value you being in as little pain as possible more than being at the barricade after a race, right? You know that I fucking love you more than I love racing, right? Y/n, I’ve been here the entire time, since we were 14 years old. You’re the reason I get in the car, you make me better, all the time it’s just you. I plan on being with you for my whole life, Y/n. I want to be there for everything. I plan to sit there through every appointment about medication until you find the one that actually helps you, I plan on being there for every day where you don’t feel up to it, I plan on being there for you, always. I never want to let go of you, and yeah, it is nice to be able to see you after a race, and I know that because fucking facetime exists. If you still want to break up because I fucked up by asking you to come here, go ahead, but don’t ever think that I’m without because I’m with you. I am so in love with you, Y/n. I mean it. I want to marry you one day, I want a family with you, I want to be old with you so we get to reminisce on the good ol’ days and make some more while we have time. ‘The good ol’ days’ will be the days I spend with you. More than any race win, more than any trophy, or than anything. My favourite part about a race weekend is coming home because I know no matter what my result was, you’ll be there with open arms, loving me anyways. You’re more than enough for me.”

You crossed the room and wrapped your arms around him, crying into his hoodie as he held you. “I love you too.”

After a few moments of both of you calming down, he finally spoke. “Can you forgive me for being such an asshole?” he asked, wiping his eyes. 

You nodded, a small smile on your face. “I can, can you forgive me for being such an idiot?”

He chuckled. “You’re no idiot,” he picked you up and gently placed you back on the bed lying beside you. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

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