#this family needs therapy right now!
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To be honest, I never realized that Willowpelt and all her siblings had such interesting, in-depth stories if you took the time to look at them and make your own inferences from them.
Willowpelt herself and her relationship with her kits, Leopardfoot relationship with Pinestar and being the mother of Tigerstar, Patchpelt and the multiple relationships he's had, Spottedleaf if you decide to rewrite her story to a more respectful story reflecting on hard, but sadly realistic situation that accused in her life, and Redtail persisting to improve himself and rise through the ranks in his life before being killed by his own nephew.
Not to mention the kits of these siblings, like the close bond Tigerstar, Darkstripe, and Longtail had with each other, or how Longtail was close with his half-brother, Swiftpaw, before Tigerstar indirectly killed his cousin.
Also, Darkstripe nearly kills his own half-sister, causing not only his own family pain but probably also devastating Longtail in the process after what happened to Swiftpaw, before he was killed by his own half-brother, Graystripe.
Tigerstar also had an interesting upbringing with his grandfather, and father being Thunderclan's leaders before Pinestar left, leaving behind Tigerstar and his mother. He also had an older cat constantly being paranoid about him (not trying to shit on Goosefeather, just stating a fact), and the loss of his siblings. Also, the only father figure in his life was a bad person, making Tigerstar nearly kill a cat at some point.
And then he continues with his actions by taking advantage of his kits while both dead and alive. We all already know about Tigerstar's dictatorship and what did to get there, so I'll skip all that, but all of that info is still important.
He leads Hawkfrost to help him continue his selfish goals, and during his time alive, he manipulated his own sister, which traumatized her. Not to mention Tigerstar manipulated his grandson to train in the Dark Forest.
Bramblestar also later abuses his mate Squirrelflight and isn't that nice of a cat later down the line after being a pretty good person in the previous books.
In the end, this family faces generations having trauma and while some cats are able to move on and live normal lives like Sorreltail, Rainwhisker, Sorreltail, Graystripe, and nicely Tawnypelt, it's sad to see how it still affects them later on.
Damn, this entire family needs some therapy.
#warrior cats#warriors#tigerstar#bramblestar#willowpelt#patchpelt#redtail#darkstripe#longtail#wc#this family needs therapy right now!#i love analyzing characters nobody really remembers#i mean everyone already knows tigerstar and his clones but no one really mentions how complicated and deep his story goes#same goes for the rest of his family#longtail had to lose almost his entire family similar to how willowpelt was the last cat out of her family to live
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Yea ok but if that really is the Summer Maiden behind them and sheās just a kid and they put these two in charge of training and guiding her
The mother who abandoned her own child and killed the prior Spring Maiden both out of fear and the sibling who was loyal to the wrong person until it was almost too late and was unable to save her baby sisterā¦ Iām sure theyāre coping fine with that responsibility
#rwby#raven branwen#yang xiao long#winter schnee#weiss schnee#well we know for a fact that Winter aināt coping well with shit right now lmfao#in particular I GOTTA see Yangās reaction to whatever relationship Raven has now with the Summer Maiden (assuming sheās a kid)#Raven seems like sheās softened a bit since we saw her last#is she motherly towards the SM at all? is Yang gonna see that and be upset bc why couldnāt Raven be that for her?#or will she be angry bc Raven decided this maiden is worth training and not just some scared little kid that she āmercy killedā#plsssss I gotta know everything thatās been going on with Raven I need that Xiao Long-Rose-Branwen family therapy session#greenlight volume 10
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Swinging a bat at a hornet's nest, but I keep seeing the opinion go around that it's insensitive to say that we'll make it through the next 4 years because so many people didn't the first time around. Which, I guess I see the point, but like... do you expect all of us to just be like this for the next 4 years???
I totally get why some people can't feel hopeful, but insinuating that someone else is in the wrong for being able to stay optimistic just isn't productive or, in my opinion, a reasonable expectation. We all react to stressful times differently and not only is that okay, but it should be encouraged that people work through this however they personally need to and in whichever emotional state they end up in.
#uspol#politics#it's like grief in a sense. everyone responds differently and it's not disrespectful to have a positive reaction in the face of it.#my family loves looking at old pictures of passed loved ones. I can't do it and will leave the room to do something else#but it's not disrespectful for them to be happy when I can't join in. yk? it's just a different response.#sometimes I think I've had too much cognitive behavioral therapy for this website. ngl.#i'll be over here reframing my thoughts and identifying black-and-white thinking and challenging my catastrophizing#but you guys can keep arguing about if it's ethical to have certain emotions right now. that's chill too i guess.#but fr. every emotional response is okay right now.#some people are going to respond in ways that you don't understand but that doesn't make it an incorrect response.#I personally do not understand the doom and apathy but I respect that people need to work through that in their own time-#I just need them to not try and drag me back into it when I'm ready to put my mental health back together and deal with whatever comes.
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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...
#made it back to school last night from my childhood hometown in NC#i feel so strange... i got there on thursday afternoon and came back yesterday but i feel like that weekend lasted a month#i think i am in shock still.. the area i grew up in is so utterly and completely devastated i can hardly comprehend it#not to mention the surrounding states...#and even though we were just trying to survive while i was there and it was so so scary .. it was only temporary for me#i get to go home to my cushy apartment with running water and electricity while some of my closest friends and family are wondering#if they can get enough water#and so many have lost their livelihoods or even their lives#some of them have gotten water and power back but others are still stuck. and i feel like i am still there even though im not.#its like this weird anxious guilty numbness feeling that wont go away and gets worse whenever i turn on lights or see a case of water.#i dont live there anymore but I am so emotionally tied to that area ... and i was there for the storm and saw the aftermath#but its not actually my home so i feel like... i dont know what I feel actually.#but i dont feel good#and then i feel guilty for feeling bad too!! like I dont deserve to be upset or traumatized?? maybe i should go to therapy again...#idk if any of this even makes sense... and i dont mean to be all me me me during all of this. i guess I am just tired and need to vent a bi#anyway please please pray for the people affected by the hurricane. and if you can donate that would be so so wonderful.#it seems like it will be years for the area to fully recover. if it ever even does.#if youve read this far you have my apologies for my word slop... heres a heart for you š©· and a caterpillar š i think i need to go to bed#i have class and rehearsal tomorrow. even though all of that just seems kind of pointless to me right now#but maybe more sleep will help...#my post
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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omg tumblr is such a hater because I didn't get notifications of your posts š anyways I'm so glad you're back, have you been working on damage alice lately? or hybrid-verse? (the main one or the baby one i love both) these are my forever favsss <3
Aww, thank you anon!
Damaged Alice is being reworked because I decided that I wasn't happy with how the ballet studio scene turned out, I wanted to flesh out Alice and Bella's friendship because it lacked a lot of nuance - especially regarding Edward and Alice's relationship in this 'verse, and I wanted to completely retcon how New Moon transpired. I'm hoping there will be something from this 'verse for Whumptober or Ficmas, but I'm still in planning stages.
Hybrid is being a monster, as per usual. It's just going to be this massive, huge fic, and I'm still on the fence about splitting into two or three separate fics. I also fantastically messed up the timeline, and rage-quit the outline when I realised my error. But like, my outlines are more like friendly suggestions anyway, so we persevere.
But more pieces are being put into place - we've got some bonding between Emmett and Alice, we've got Cynthia being a trolling little gremlin to her older sister, and Alice to have a hard time when the Cullens return ala New Moon.
I think it's pretty unrealistic that Bella just forgave Edward the way she did. He took her agency, he lied and left her for dead in the forest, but she immediately forgives him because he tried to kill himself because he thought she was dead? Gross. And a mental health event like that is going to leave scars. So it's going to - on Bella and Alice.
There's also loads of world building going into it - Alice's 'history' with James, Carlisle's friendship with the Denali coven, the Cullens having their own friends outside of the family, and a lot more supernatural history in the US. I'd love to bring the Chinese coven into Hybrid via Carlisle's history but at this point, I've got a lot of Stuff happening, and I'll probably save them for another fic. We'll see.
As for the Baby-verse version, I'm contemplating retconning Alice and Jasper's reunion to be harder. So much change is happening, Alice was abandoned by the Cullens during the hardest time of her life, she's not going to easily trust that they have her back again - let alone that of her son. I'm also super committed to getting Maria involved (listen, there was a wild AU version discussed where Alice goes to Maria for protection and the pair of them raising the baby as a platonic couple. Jasper's living in Hell trying to reconcile with Alice and meet his son because Maria's there being a pest).
I really want the baby-verse version to be satisfying to read - bittersweet in that Alice and Jasper have this family together but, like all things in life, it's temporary: Oliver is mortal. Alice won't live forever. And that's what makes it beautiful, that's what makes it a love story. I don't enjoy kidfic at the best of times, but I abhor kidfic that creates a perfect, flawless ending. Families are messy and constantly evolving. But that's a TED Talk for another time.
I took forever to answer this, so I've got a snippet below of Cynthia and Alice's first big argument below, from the main Hybrid fic. I hope you like it and THANK YOU for the message!
After dinner, I distracted myself with homework - finals were looming, and I wasnāt exactly ready. It was a good distraction, knowing that Jasper was at the meeting with the Pack tonight, and there was so much on my mind I didnāt want to think about. Dad and Simon knew something was up, but neither Cynthia nor I had cracked. I didnāt want to bring them into this more than they already were.
hybrid.
And for that, I blamed the Clearwaters. It was one thing for them to decide to explain the Pack to my parents; it was entirely another thing for them to offer their one-sided perspective on the Cullens without permission. They had broken the treaty, but the Cullens wouldnāt harm them. If it had been the other way aroundā¦
Economics did not distract me enough; my mind moved through the questions but I was still listening for the sound of Jasper at my window or for my phone to chime...
There was a knock at my door that I ignored; I had no interest in repeating my conversations with my parents regarding the Cullens, until I could corner Esme and Carlisle into talking them through everything calmly and reasonably. And I was still furious with Cynthia's part in Saturday afternoon's side-quest on the Res.
There was another knock, but my sister didn't bother to wait for me to grant her access this time.
āAlice?ā Cynthia slipped into my room looking nervous. āAre you still mad with me?ā
āMmm-hmm,ā I said, not even looking up from my notebook.
āIām sorry, I didnāt realise it would upset you this muchā¦ā Cynthia began, and I froze. āIt was justā¦ Sam said that you just needed to hang out for a while so they could talk to the Cullens. Seth said everything would be fine andā¦ā
āAre you really that damn naive?ā I snapped, finally spinning on my chair. Cynthia jumped at my sudden movement, and I distantly realised that this was the first time Iād yelled at her; we didnāt really fight or argue. A little bit of bickering over insignificant things was more our flavour of disagreement. āSam Uley held me hostage because Jacob Black would never allow Bella Swan to be a bargaining chip. They were trying to force the Cullensā handā¦ Seth and Jasper could have died today, and you think I was just āhanging outā?ā
āWhat are you even talking about?ā Cynthiaās voice wavered slightly.
āTheyāre dangerous on a good day, you get that right? Youāve seen Emilyās face - thatās what happens to girls who get too close to the wolves,ā I said nastily.
āOh, and the bite scar on your neck is just this yearās hot look?ā Cynthia crossed her arms over her chest, and looked me dead in the eye but I could still hear the quiver in her voice.
Honestly, I nearly slapped her for that. The only thing that stopped me was that I wasnāt in the business of hitting people who didnāt hit me first - and Iād probably break Cynthiaās nose if I went after her right now.
āYou keep acting like Jasperās the second goddamn coming of Christ, but he left you!ā Cynthia continued. āHe tried to kill you! Seth hasnāt done anything to me, but heās the villain!ā
I tossed my pen onto my desk before I snapped it in half.
āDo you know anything about the Pack? Have they told you a damn thing about the treaty?ā I asked in an icy voice.
āYou keep saying things like that, and not telling me anything!ā Cynthia threw up her hands. "Youāve got to actually give me an explanation for everything that has happened instead of keeping me in the dark and getting mad at me!ā
āWhy would I bother when youāve already taken their side? When youāre co-ordinating with Sam Uley to have me held hostage over Bella Swan?ā
#my fic: hybrid#asks#alice can be dealing with her abandonment issues and be ride-or-die for jasper at the same time#cynthia is playing with fire right now#sam uley isn't a villain he's just an idiot#jacob is just trying to protect his crush#bella is blameless#seth isn't a fool he's just been alpha-ordered not to tell cynthia anything more than sam has approved#in the next scene: the brandons get family therapy#i do really have to fix the timeline so much needs to happen so quickly#there is the bonus of having two full summers to work with before... things happen
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One of my brothers is moving away to college today + I have to skip therapy, so itās a lot ofā¦ a lot. a lot.
#he was just a baby! he was just a little kid I carried around and took care of!#no nope. not gonna get into it right now. I WILL cry. itās not even 6am and I do not need that right now#and I donāt really know if therapy today would really help#if I got into it Iād just start crying in front of this nice dude for an hour#though yeahā¦ might be nice to.. I dunnoā¦ just talk about it.#I am always simultaneously ātherapy is goodā and āwhatās the point in talking about it?ā#so maybe I do need that person thatās like āthis is your time. just fucking talk.ā#but also right now itās likeā¦ talking about it wonāt take me back to when my brother was little and far off from leaving#bleghā¦#whatever. anyway. itās gonna be a sad day. Iām gonna cry A LOT. Iām gonna be alone in this apartment and just sooooobbbbbbing#and then keep this inside for another week before I can go to therapy and talk about this bc god forbid I talk to a family member about it#ok now itās 6am. I think heās leaving in about 4 hours. itās cool. itāll be cool. š Iāll just miss my bro so dang much#but maybe Iāll walk down to the dollar store and stock up on snacks and Iāll get blasted and fatter and try to stay positive#uggghhh#Iām too emotional#time just keeps moving for us all. to my dismay.#ātime is the fire in which we burnā#you can ignore this#I donāt think Iāll ever have kids. Iāll never have kids. and being there. with him. with my brothers. that was the closest Iāll ever get.#and itās overā¦ soā¦ š¤·š»āāļøā¦ itās just doneā¦ theyāre grown. and Iām still here. I donāt know what else to sayā¦#but thatās life. theyāre doing their thing. Iām happy for them and I want them to be happy too. Iām just a big crybaby#IAN!ā¦ stop typing!#just making myself sad at this point#itās fine. itās fine. Iām fine. Iām cool. everythingāsā¦ cool š#this isnāt important#text
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"please tell my kids they're siblings one day"
"okay" *apollo goes to khura'in and becomes the minister of justice there* *phoenix's eyes snap open* "i forgo r"
#hahaokay now to my replay of dual destinies#did not remember apollo in his angst outfit so early on so i got surprised. he's... such a loser. affectionate but not without some scorn#actually maybe it's better they don't know about their siblingship because trucy would've watched another family member leave again :')#she's so emotionally constipated like yeah im okay! im barely a teenager and im being abandoned left and right but im okay#my dad didnt love me enough to take me with him but that's ok!#trucy is simultaneously the most put together and devastating teenager. she doesn't need to talk about it. she needs people to stay.#kel omori moment everything is fine#anyways do you think klavier saw apollos angst fit#herr forehead why are you dressed like those japanese cartoons#and then he gets genuinely concerned because he doesn't react to the teasing normally. he doesn't shout. his face doesn't scrunch up#and now he realises apollo has left wright and co and is on his own. he doesn't tell anyone anything because apparently#every defense lawyer in his vicinity is incapable of leaning on other people#athena: i recommend a therapy session stat#txt#ace attorney
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im having first gen american mother problems and asdfajk i do not know how to explain it to my therapist
#i love my therapist so much#but therapy is inherently based in western ideals and idk how to cross the boundary sometimes#cause like im not used to even having that boundary? my family is sooooo integrated in most aspects#but not right now and ahhhh#i wrote a whole post about this before and deleted it lmao#but im ruminating and need to get it out
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Honestly the funniest thing about Haruka's idol story line in y5 (and dont any of you come at me with the You're Lessening Mirei's Evil Heinous Actions shit, I know she was the antagonist, blah blah) is the fact that as far as traineeships go Haruka's.... wasn't all that unusual- Living on your own away from your parents? Par the course. Having older figures be unduly harsh about your talent/looks? Also par the course. Insane schedules? Creepy fans? Yep. In fact Haruka is older than a lot of people are when they start traineeships nowadays... Like that aspect of the game could have been played up for even more dramatic value than it was.
#Like in real life right now theres kids who have moved /countries/ to become idols#At as young as /12 years old/#and some of them dont see their families for years like Haruka's whole situation is less wild than a bunch of real people#god i got a random kpop video of a 17 yr old boy [who is already in a debuted group????]#and he was surprised with seeing his mum AFTER 3 AND A HALF YEARS ???#like he hadnt seen her in person since he was 13 and now hes 17 and...... How is that legal#Also that video fucked me up bc he wasnt even like happy he looked confused and shy and awkward like God send that boy home rn#all the therapy hes gonna need.... Anyway suffice to say#Having Haruka's storyline esp when you consider the people writing the games are in the JP entertainment industry was pretty interesting#Like they clearly have feelings and critiques and I liked that they tried to do something with that#Also one of the girls in y6 was a former idol who had her career ruined bc she dared to be seen#smoking with a male idol when she was 20 or so and got fired because of it- so i mean at least rgg gave her some work idk#this post is just a stream of consciousness rambling about how i find the idol industry interesting and odd#Some aspects of it i think are clever but other aspects are so HMMMMMM#20-30 years from now maybe even sooner i feel like theres gonna be some INTERESTING tell-alls
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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:/
#like if it is ptsd that means basically it's untreatable right? like the only way to really deal with it is i have to just accept that i'm#going to be miserable and awful to be around forever?#idk like thats why i was kind of hoping it /was/ something more uncommon like osdd because like. i know that can be hard to treat but i've#seen people make it work for them and make it a good thing even if it's hard. there are no upsides or benefits to having Just Fucking Ptsd#there's no sympathy for it if you didnt get it from combat (and even then lol)#and there's no real way to treat it except just learn to fucking avoid triggers and my triggers are FUCKING EVERYTHING#idk i just want a FUCKING SOLUTION and there is none#it's not fucking fair. it's not fucking fair#that my life is permanently ruined and horrible because my fucking mom decided that she needed to have a little mini-me#to project her fucking insecurities on instead of getting therapy#and now i'm never going to be happy! i don't get to have a good fucking life! i h#i have to spend the rest of my life fucking /coping/ with my own existence and having everyone fucking moralize me not wanting to do that#i'm a horrible person for even thinking about this stuff because me saying i cant recover probably makes other people in similar situations#think they also can't recover and i know that makes me bad and awful but like. it's different.#other people have friends who love them and care about them. i will never have that because i'm awful and everyone who gets close to me#realizes how awful i am and runs#other people have a chance at happiness even if it's hard. i don't. i'm never going to have people who love me and care about me. i'm never#going to be anyone's family and i can't fucking stand that
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Not to be Sam Winchester on main, but do you every think about how growing up feeling like the black sheep of the family and or friend group warps you're sense of identity?
#screaming into the void#there are exactly two (2) mutuals that will understand this reference and i love them both dearly#yes i edited these tags no i will not be naming names but to the person i had to edit these tags for#its only because you never post and i forget youre on this platform#that out of the way#if you dont under that reference just ignore it ans focus on the warped identity part#its about expectations and obligations#and possibly about the emotional trauma and neglect#but I'm going to stop listing things now before i realize i actually am a winchester#id love to say that im more of a bobby singer but lord know i havent had therapy for that#the question really boils down to which one is heavier#my denial of any of anything wrong with my childhoos and my inherent need to defend my parents with 'they did their best' mantras#or#my feelings of never being able to make the right choice in life and all my own dreams being belittled and questioned#and never feeling a sense of belonging in my own family
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Um. Day ruined :D
#i was planning out how to tell my mom i need therapy in a way that might have convinced her to at least let me make a test appointment#but then i properly looked up the financial stuff and since i don't want to tell my insurance so i don't have anything in my health record#and i'm not sure my insurance would pay for this kind of therapy anyway i'd have to pay the sessions privately#and those are between ā¬50 and ā¬150 depending on area and needs of the patient so let's say ā¬100 on average#there's no way i'll pay that because i need to save some money for when i start working and may need to commute or rent an apartment#plus i'm not done with my driver's license so the next lessons and exam fee take up a lot more money and my family's struggling financially#so i can't afford to pay over ā¬400 per month at least right now š#maybe when i have a job but for now i'll keep trying to fix myself without professional help and just based on books and websites#which is working but still i'm crying and annoyed#mel talks
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girl why you so horrors
homophobia all fun and games until im reminded my parents are genuinely homophobic and they'll always hate this part of me no matter what i say
#vent cw#homophobia tw#man#yuyububu family have one normal day challenge (impossible)#i hate everything blow up the world#why why why why why why why why why why why why#AUGH#maim maim stab murder kill#actually angry right now AUGGGGGGHHHHHHH#sorry guys just need a space to be unhinged online :3#therapy isn't until next week#man and my parents hate my therapist because she's bi CANT HAVE SHIT IN THIS HOUSE#ok i feel kind of better now that ive yelled about it a bit#but still nightmare nightmare nightmare forever and ever
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