#think that im likely to express myself in ignorant ways that may trigger someone. like very likely actually. i did my best to try to think

[blinkbones]

Minor Detail -- Adania Shibli

Rambling warning. This reading got so mixed in with my current state of mind and feelings + the difficulty of speaking about something related to a heated current issue, it's a whole mess. And probably not a well-worded one. Also I'm ignorant. I hope I don't compound anyone's pain today, and if I do, I am endlessly sorry. Also anyone being dehumanizing in my notes is catching a block.

This book I bought on a whim, against my own rules. My new job has been taking its toll on me and, I don't know, I sort of felt compelled to... do... something...?

It's an awful thing to say, but I've been compartmentalizing a lot. I've been limiting the time that I take to engage with news, because it kept sending me down doom spirals.

But... I still care, yknow. And I guess that's why I picked up a book with such a discomforting blurb even in my aching state -- and how comforting can you get in your writing as a Palestinian author, in the context of the last... century... anyway?

Ok, less about me and more about this book. It's a short, and well-crafted novel, in two parts. In the first half, the reader is put in direct contact with the cold point of view of an Israeli soldier in the few days that lead up to the rape and murder of a young Arab woman. In the second part, decades later, a Palestinian woman seeks to reconstruct the full truth of those events. You don't need me to tell you that this can be a triggering read -- but if you can handle it, it's a good one.

The writing is deceivingly simple in appearance. You will not be stumped by the sentence structures -- but the overall structure of the story itself is complex, interlacing within itself.

There are obvious mirrors to anyone who paid attention in literature classes. The dog's barking echoes like an ominous bell across the two parts. The two main characters (unnamed) both descend into a sort of feverish paranoia.

There are two scenes that I keep going back to in my mind, one from each part.

In part 1, the soldier gets stung by an insect, and his state deteriorates. As he gets more unwell, he becomes more and more meticulous and controlling regarding his environment, obviously unwilling to risk a second incident, all the while growing more and more ill. One night, or day, as he avoids the burning sun, he gets up and smashes every single insect he can find; big spiders, small spiders, even a moth. The text doesn't tell you, but you can guess -- this won't help him at all; he's already sick ; and a moth? What harm could the moth ever inflict upon him? What it reveals is his obsession for control, born out of the fear of one unpleasant but seemingly non-lethal bite, inflicted by a creature who got trapped under his shirt when he slept for the first time in a house that belonged to someone else, that we as readers imagine to be dead or trying to find refuge far away from their old home. You read it and you can't help but think about children, a week ago, yesterday, today, probably right now. Moths as well. Humans treated like insects and all lumped into a bag of "killables".

In part 2, the woman goes to work. She calls it "her new job" but you soon get the sense that she may have been at it for a while. She struggles with the limits of things, where to put them and where they end and if she's the one in charge of drawing the limit or of following its implications. This, in the context of a country whose borders are regularly pushed inward like a booby trap designed to crush its victims, is such a simple sentence, but a terrifying one. Anyway, that's not even the scene. She goes to work. On her way there, she gets stopped by soldiers telling her that the way is blocked, as they are leading an operation to deal with some young people ("terrorists" was the word, I think) holed up in a nearby building. She finds another way to access the building, where she opens the windows so the glass won't break. Soon after, there is an explosion, and the glass doesn't break. She focuses on the dust, which she abhors, because it comes in a cloud and covers her work station and the papers she's working on. It's rough and dry and hard to deal with. Her priority in that moment is to get the dust off of her papers, so that she can keep working. This resonated deeply with me. Even though my situation is, no doubt, much less depressing and much less dangerous than hers, how often have I ignored a horror I can't deal with to focus on the stupid minute details of something I do have some form of impact on? In the text, the narrator worries that this may be difficult to understand, focusing on the dust, when a literal bomb blew up nearby, but I really don't think it is. With the state of things, how they've been and how they've been going, worldwide, locally, continentally, nationally, whatever you want, and how powerless it makes a lot of us feel, I think it's inevitable to focus on what you can actually affect. And she's right, it is so silly, in a way. But maybe it is just a survival strategy as well, and it doesn't mean that one cannot care, or try to have a bigger impact, or be more involved in attempts to change things ; indeed, the woman eventually draws from every resource at her disposal to try something -- maybe "anything", I'm not sure. I mean, I've been giving my opinion and feelings here, but it'd be presumptuous to say that I really understand the author's intent.

On that note, I was hungry for more after I was done reading, so I watched a few interviews. How ironic that Adania Shibli herself got arrested when she visited the same museum her character visits, because they had "never seen a Palestinian woman with a computer". This simple sentence weighs on my mind as well, again not entirely sure why. How ironic, as well, that her award ceremony was postponed in the wake of October 7th. As if her getting her prize was going to deafen Israeli voices (I'm referring to the justification given by the book fair in question). As if this really was a simple mathematical problem, in which pain can only be recognized under one flag at a time. As if recent history showed dominance of Palestine over Israel. As if human pain wasn't universal.

I don't claim to know everything, but the level of bullshit kind of makes me feel insane sometimes. Anyway, please don't try to debate me -- this is only a book review, and I am only a random fuck with basic principles of "I don't like it when people are hurt" and no free time to argue why that's my principle.

[seita]

some coping mechanism are wrong and do need to be discussed or changed!! neurodivergency doesn’t give u an excuse to hurt or trigger others!! coping mechanisms don’t exist in vaccums... and you and ur followers are harming real people by saying such

i was going to ignore most everything i got on the subject because quite frankly i'm over it. every opposing take either doesn't make sense, is completely ignorant, or is just plain stupid.

this one? is just idiocy.

so i'm gonna take the time to explain some things to you.

i cannot begun to express the ignorance and privilege that is seeped into every single word of this ask. i am actually baffled that you genuinely thought that this was, in any way shape or form, okay. or that you even thought this was a hot take at all.

you do not have any jurisdiction or power to tell other people that the way they cope is wrong. that is so beyond disgusting.

do you know why people choose to write dark content to cope?

a few reasons that range from: gives power/comfort over their trauma to lets them release emotions that otherwise have no outlet.

beyond that is that some people don’t have the resources or support system needed to cope in other ways. all they may have is a pen and paper or a laptop. they may not live in a home where they were believed, they may still be trapped with their abuser, or they may just plain not be able to afford therapy.

but do you know what the fun thing is? plenty of these people who choose to cope in this way are advised by their therapists to do it. like myself.

i used to write in little notebooks as a child -- really dark, foul shit and i didn’t understand why i did it. i talked to my therapist and i was told it’s a great outlet! i have to say writing is probably one of the top reasons i managed to get to the space i am in today.

when i learned the wonders of the internet growing up, i also sought out to READ the content. of course, it was very hard to find because of people like you who do nothing but shame it simply because of the real world values the crimes possess and for some reason refuse to see it in a fictional, helpful way.

it’s a very real and very valid coping mechanism: both reading and writing are incredibly beneficial.

this outlet also helps people just the same as it can hurt people. i don’t know who or what you think you’re doing but survivors who are triggered by the content of a darker nature WILL NOT CLICK ON IT TO READ IT. why are you acting like survivors and victims are brainless, mindless idiots who will read something clearly labeled with their triggers as if there’s some invisible force dictating them too?

and who are you? a highschool student? a college student? a therapist? what right gives you, a random person on the internet, to dictate something that has been ADVISED and PROVEN to help with coping to trauma to deem it wrong?

im gonna go ahead and say your morality. nothing beyond that.

you see dark content as just disgusting porn fucked up people jerk off to but it’s beyond that. and very obviously something you do not understand and most likely refuse to understand.

you think because you think something is wrong that it should be wrong all around. you don’t like it so it shouldn’t be done.

i hate to break it to you but the real world isn’t going to cater to you. i sure as fuck won’t. i’m not in charge of making you feel happy or content on the internet. if you log on to your computer and expect people to babysit you and make you feel comforted and safe -- you’re doing the internet wrong.

you only choose to see the negative side to this. you see that people can be triggered or hurt by this content and that’s valid. people can and will be. but there’s also a HUGE number that people like you choose to ignore and invalidate under the guise of protecting survivors only to hurt them at the same time. it doesn’t make sense.

you’re not trying to advocate and protect people -- you’re trying to make the fandom and content match up to your puritan ideals and fantasies. the world isn’t like that. people are always going to do things you don’t like and have opposing opinions on things. stop trying to act like you’re doing this for the greater good -- a martyr, hero complex isn’t a cute look and we can see exactly what you’re doing.

i don’t understand why it’s so hard to accept that dark content does not have as big of a negative impact as you think it does.

i also don’t understand how other survivors can see what people like me do and tell us we’re wrong. i don’t go out of my way to shame you and say “oh you don’t like dark content? weird.” i mind my own fucking business and stay away from blogs that don’t want to interact with dark content writers.

i am respectful always. i never attack people for having opposing opinions. i never attack people personally. people who write dark content don’t do that shit.

you know who does?

your side.

you know what someone said to me in an effort to shame me and bully me for writing what i write? they called my writing shit -- the thing i use to cope and help other cope. i’ve never gone on anon or off anon and told someone their writing was shit.

i also had someone ask me why i think being a victim made me special. i’m gonna let you sit and figure out exactly what is wrong with that question.

those are the types of people you’re enabling and encouraging. if you people just left dark writers alone we wouldn’t hurt anyone. you all preach this shit about how dark content is SOOOOO easily availble anyone can read it. that is false. the only way to find dark content is to ALREADY BE ASSOCIATING WITH PEOPLE WHO CREATE OR CONSUME DARK CONTENT. it’s not tagged in the main tags. it will not show up in your orbit or be blasted on your page because someone posted it.

and then you people say “oh minors will be convinced it’s okay!!!” no. minors aren’t as stupid as you seem to think they are. they fully know and understand exactly what they’re getting into. they see the word rape and know in real life THAT’S BAD.

you don’t want a slasher film and think  “oh wow look at him killin all those people but not getting caught I COULD DO THAT TOO!!!!” no. you don’t. because you know it’s wrong.

y’all are so high up on you moral horse that you think everyone around you is fucking stupid and has no common sense.

if someone thinks what they read in fiction makes it okay in real life, there was already something wrong with them to begin with.

but no, you’ll pull out anything on earth to try and get your point across. from secondhand trauma to it just being offensive.

and i hate to be the one to tell you this but...all this crusading is doing basically nothing in the long run. you know what happened yesterday from being called out? i lost 9 followers.

and then i gained 20. and now im only 100 away from 16,000.

what did all of this achieve? what does any of this even do?

whenever you people do this what exactly is it you want? do you expect us to just...stop...because you don’t like it? are you really so self-centered and self-righteous that you think you’re THAT important. do you really believe your opinion and voice is the loudest and most important to consider?

because it really isn’t.

just as you’re sitting here telling me you’re wanting to protect people -- i’m wanting to help people. do you know how many people i’ve had thank me for making them feel better about their owwn fantasies that they’d previously been ashamed of because they’re a victim? or how many people thank me for providing the content they rely on to cope?

i’m gonna go ahead and say those are the people i want to help. those are the people i care about. and i don’t know what it’s gonna take for you people to understand that i will not stop until i DECIDE to.

this is the internet. none of your opinions or words have any long-lasting, realistic effect on me, my person, or my life. i could delete my blog and in a month nothing any of you have said to me over this course of time will have impacted me in the long term. of course, other people are more sensitive and can get hurt by this discourse.

but i don’t. i’m a lot more stubborn and thick-skinned than you people may seem to realize.

your words will continue to go in one ear and out the other. i know where i stand. i know where i want to remain.

your morality nor your opinions are blanket rules that everyone should abide by. get some perspective and learn your place in the world before speaking on things you clearly cannot understand.

[lunarmessenger]

before anything else let me just say that i love all your content and im so glad that i found your blog!! okay now that ive already made myself sound like a fool would it be possible to get the rfa with an MC who confesses that she was sexually abused as a kid? (i totally get it if youre not comfortable with it btw)

Hi honey! Thank you so much for enjoying my content ^^ (also, u do not sound like a fool hush IT) that’s totally fine, I don’t mind your request :) - luna xx

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be heavy. If you are not prepared for that or in the right mindset for this particular request, I suggest preparing yourself, or just not reading it all together. I will be hiding the entire post underneath a cut in case somebody doesn’t bother to read my warnings. I, thankfully, have never been sexually abused as a child, but I know too many people who have been. I am so sorry to those who have had to go through this, and remember, you are never alone. I love you. - luna xx

Warnings: mentions of child sexual abuse, sexual situations, and trauma

MC Was Sexually Abused as a Child - RFA

Zen:

• You didn’t want him to find out because you were scared he’d think you were dirty or disgusting

• And the way he found out too; it was just so out of the ordinary

• You were backstage at one of his shows and after his performance he’d grabbed you and hurriedly shoved you into one of the storage closets

• He wasn’t trying to be sexual he just wanted a few minutes alone with you to celebrate in private since he knew you’d both be swamped by fans; the poor man was thinking really, wasn’t paying attention

• So when he finally realizes how you’re shaking, knees threatening to buckle as you held your hands over your chest while looking down

• “MC? Princess what’s the matter; is something wrong? Talk to me.”

• You were all too familiar with dimly lit storage closets; your abuser had taken you there for years when you had your music lessons

• When you finally explain to him what was wrong through your tears, he is so...angry

• Words cannot express how he wants to go back in time and strangle the person who did that to you

• He at first through you were hesitant to be intimate because you didn’t have much experience

• While that was part of it, it was so much deeper than that, much more sinister; that he just wasn’t expecting it

• “They just...it was every single lesson Zen. And I wondered; had I done something wrong? Something to make me stand out to them? I just don’t understand...” You were still shaking, voice quivering

• He stood there, fists clenched as he tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down; enough so that he could prioritize what really mattered. You.

•“It was not your fault MC. Remember that. That person was a sick fuck for doing that to you, and I am so sorry that you didn’t get the proper support you needed. It’s okay; we can get through this together.”

Yoosung

• The two of you were cooking together, the front of you facing the oven as you stirred the vegetables in the frying pan

• Then he suddenly came up behind you, hands stopping at your waist as he whispered in your ear

• “My precious MC, I love you so much.”

• You were no longer in the kitchen with Yoosung; you were in your living room, your parents outside with your aunts and uncles as your cousin played with you; alone

• “Here MC, just turn and bend over; we’re going to play house. Yeah, that’s it...”

• “Please don’t...” You whimpered, your voice barely above a whisper as you struggled to pull yourself out of the traumatic memory

• “MC? Oh no, MC! Are you okay? Honey look at me...”

• He had turned off the stove and carried you to the bedroom, placing you on the bed while he knelt down on the floor

When you’d calmed yourself down you told him what had happened between you and your cousin; and why you no longer speak to that side of your family.

• He was absolutely disgusted; how could someone do that to their own family?

• The thought of even trying to do that to Rika; it made him want to gag

• “I wish I was...I wish I could have...oh, God. I’m sorry MC, I’m sorry...”

Jaehee

• You were at a bar, enjoying a few drinks together after a long day of work

• “I have to use the restroom; I’ll be back, Jae.”

• She nodded as you went, and you were fine as you found a stall and calmly shut the door behind you

• But before you had the chance to lock it Jaehee was in the restroom and in your stall, cheeks flushed from the alcohol as she bit her lip

• “Jaehee...?”

• “I want you MC...right now.”

• “W-wait,” You stuttered, her fingers fumbling near your zipper on your jeans as she shoved you against the stall wall

• The action sent you back to high school, a student you barely knew dragging you into the stall and shoving you up against it

• She wasn’t nice; she was really rough. She told you to shut up and take it

• “If you tell anyone, I will be sure that you never see the light of day again.”

• “Get off, please get off!”

• You shoved Jaehee, HARD, the poor woman sobering up quickly as she slammed into the opposite wall

• “Huh? Wait...oh no, MC? MC wait!”

• You ran, straight out of the bathroom and out of the bar even, ending up at teh park nearby 

• The chilly air felt good against your hot cheeks, your breathing shallow as you tried to calm yourself down

• “MC! Please I, I’m so sorry. I was just trying to be spontaneous.”

• “No, Jaehee it wasn’t you, I just...”

• You told her everything. You sobbed. She held you

• She even had a few tears slip as she held you close, rubbing your back as you gripped her coat tight

• “I promise you MC. Nobody will ever hurt you that way again.”

Jumin

• You were visiting him in his office since he’d promised to have lunch with you

He asked you to close the door behind him and you obliged, setting your bag down in the empty chair beside you

• “I’ve missed you, darling.”

• “I’ve missed you Jumin.”

• He’d finished signing the last document on his desk and then he stood, walking over towards you

• You followed suit, standing while giving him a smile

• Just as you went to grab your bag he had grabbed you first, easily picking you up and placing you on his desk

• “May your darling boyfriend receive a kiss?”

• His request went ignored as you froze on the desk, your mind flashing back t o your teacher in high school

• “I know how badly you need to pass, MC. I teach you how to do math; what’s so different about teaching this? Now come on...down on your knees...”

• Jumin’s hands drifted down to your thighs and before you knew it your reflexes kicked in and you slapped him

• An angry red handprint formed on his cheek, his eyes wide with shock as he slowly turned his head back towards you

• “I...I...”

• You couldn’t think of any words to say, so you did what you had done back then; you ran

• “MC! Hold on, MC!”

• Of course you didn’t listen, keeping your head down while Jumin hurriedly ran after you

• He caught you in the elevator, pressing the emergency stop button before turning to you

• Your eyes were cloudy with tears as you shook your head

• “Jumin I’m so sorry I just—”

• “Just talk to me MC. What’s going on?”

• You caved and told him everything; from reporting your teacher to the court  cases that went on for almost three years

• “MC Oh God if I had known...I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be more careful; and we’ll get you some help, okay?”

707

• Surprisingly, he hadn’t triggered you when he found out

• He just noticed that at times you were a little, evasive when it came to intimacy with him

• While he really wanted o build this relationship out of trust, he just couldn’t get an answer out of you no matter how hard he tried

• So...he looked into your records. And what he found made him so angry that he’d thrown one of his many laptops against the wall

• “Saeyoung! Saeyoung what was that? Are you okay?”

• You walked in to see him squatting on the ground, head in his hands before he turned to you

• Tears were running down his cheeks as he hurriedly stood up and was in front of you, crushing you in a hug as you squeaked in surprised

• “Saeyoung...?”

• “I am so sorry that your father did that to you.”

• You were silent, a bit confused until reality sank in

• “So...you did some digging, huh? I’m sorry, I meant to tell you...”

• He nodded, and you couldn’t control it; you just burst into tears as he held you even tighter

• “I’m sorry Saeyoung, I just didn’t know how to tell you and it was so long ago but the thought of sex just...I just...”

• “Shh, MC. You don’t have to explain it to me. At least, not until you’r ready. Just know that I love you, and I will do absolutely do anything to help you get through this.”

[juminhandfs]

Hantober Day 10

Choir Practice: Favorite song that reminds you of Jumin.

I made a playlist actually 👀

I went overboard and tried to include songs fitting of every significant moment of his life in chronological order, including the bad endings and even when he crashed Seven's car... ending with the Good Ending.

If you are going to listen to this I have to warn you, it has 2 songs that touch on the bad ending 2 and can be triggering for some people: Lullaby from The Cure which is more metaphorical and Prison Sex by Tool whose lyrics are very graphic. Listen at your own risk and take care.

But here I want to talk about the first song on the playlist that sorts of encapsulates Jumin's life and what meeting MC means to him.

The song I'm talking about is Lateralus, also from Tool, which has the particularity of relying heavily on the Fibonacci sequence both in the metric of the syllables and in the meaning of the song. This is a song about grow.

If you have never heard about the Fibonacci sequence, also known as The Golden Ratio, I recommend to you to watch all these videos on YouTube talking about it because is something super interesting!

Basically The Fibonacci sequence is the mathematic that you can find in the nature, which goes like this:

0+1 =

1+1= 2

2+1= 3

3+2= 5

5+3= 8

8+5= 13 and so on...

Theses numbers when put on a graphic look like this: a spiral

A grad student made a video about the Fibonacci in Lateralus for a project and there it's infinitely better explained of what can I do here, but sadly the video was taken down, what I could find is this same video from someone who reposted it.

I want to encourage you to watch it so you can understand better how the lyrics match with Jumin's life:

Black/ 0+ 1 =

then /+1 =

white are/ 2 + 1 =

all I see/ 3 +  2 =

in my infancy/ 5 + 3 = 8

This is like a perfect description of Jumin's life growing up and raised like a businessman, with no place to emotions and creativity

Red and yellow then came to be/ 8 - 3=

reaching out to me/ 5  - 2 =

Lets me see/ 3

Red and yellow could stand for V and Rika. They showed him another way for things to be: these are the colors more vibrant in the rainbow. Trough them Jumin got to experience friendship and love. And they "came came to him, reaching out to him" he didn't went looking out for them.

As below, so above and beyond, I imagine/ 13 - 5 =

Drawn beyond the lines of reason/ 8 - 3=

Push the envelope/ 5 -2 = 

Watch it bend 3

Below, above, beyond: the lyrics are describing the dimensions of a box, that's the envelope to push made by "the lines of reason". Also note how the number of syllables were in crescendo, but now they are descending, why? What is stopping the spiral from growing? What is stopping Jumin? The answer is in the following chorus: 

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind

Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must

Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines

Then we have the repetition of the same verses and the chorus + the following verses

There is (2)

so (1)

much (1)

more and (2)

beckons me (3)

to look through to these (5)

infinite possibilities (8)

The next verse marks the moment the song changes, it stops counting syllables and with it both the song and the lyrics go in an endless crescendo...

Feed my will to feel this moment 

Urging me to cross the line

Reaching out to embrace the random

Reaching out to embrace whatever may come

A thing I haven't noticed, but I do now as I'm writing this is that the voice and the style of the singing also changes here. Up to this point was kinda robotic but here is really soft, in awe, you can feel the sincerity of the singer in his voice. If I had to parallel this moment in the song to one in Jumin's route it definitely would be when he tells you about his threads at 2 am. It's my favourite moment in the whole song, as I imagine Jumin saying those words:

I embrace my desire to

I embrace my desire to

Feel the rhythm, to feel connected

Enough to step aside and weep like a widow

To feel inspired

To fathom the power

To witness the beauty

To bathe in the fountain

To swing on the spiral

Swing on the spiral

Of our divinity 

And still be a human

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself

Between the sounds and open wide to suck it in

(He complained about the noise, remember the standing alone in an empty field? The noise is no longer noise, is "sounds" , "words have a meaning once they reach you"

I feel it move across my skin

(He didn't liked to be touched)

I'm reaching up and reaching out

(He is out of the box, or the cage?)

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me

What ever will bewilder me

And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been

Spiral out, keep going

Translation of all of this? Why I put it at the beginning of the playlist?

Well...

Because of the heavy trauma he received in his early years, Jumin had to rely on rationality and logic to conduct his life (V called him "scientist" and Rika said she wanted for him to find the perfect balance between emotions and logic). Thus ignoring emotions but also his inner intuition, his gut feeling. (Update after the dlc: Now we know the big part his mother also played in this)

Because Jumin's trauma is in direct relation to his body, Jumin tried to distance as far as he could from it and treating it as a machine ("separating the body from the mind"). He mentions how loose clothes make him uncomfortable "because he needs a constant restraint all the time" (if corsets for men were an item you can bet Jumin would wear one)   which leads to his body speaking to him in the way of symptoms: this symptoms are the headaches, the numbness he says he feels in the dlc, the feeling of drowning, etc...

Basically, his body (wether by his emotions, gut feelings or directly through his headaches and mild-amnesia) is desperately trying to talk to him and Jumin is doing everything he can to not listen to it, because he isn't ready for it yet, because these are years and years of unspoken trauma trying to hit him  at once (this is why therapy is important! Guys!) .

So Jumin rationalizes things: he must be having headaches because he ate something bad, or the temperature in the room is below 2 grades, and V must be distant because he is still grieving, not because he is hiding something, not for what Yoosung is telling everyone. And Yoosung is also grieving, so that's why he's acting like this.

And Rika was V's fiance, so he couldn't have feelings for her

All of this changes when he meets MC: first she doesn't treat him as a robot like everybody else, but as person with feelings and with a right to feel and express those feelings, and second and (maybe) more importantly: she doesn't allow him to project his own emotions onto her (as he did with Elizabeth) thus Jumin doesn't have any other option that confront his own emotions, to recognize those feelings as his own… and this scares him to death, but he has to do it if he wants to be with her.

And this, that this battle is for her and for a future with her, is what gives him strength.

Now, onto the song again, Jumin has to listen to his body to do this, he has to decipher what is trying to tell him "Why im feeling like this?" "Why I acted this way". There's another song, also from Tool ("Forty Six & 2") that goes deeper in this process Jumin has to do "I want to know what I've been hiding in my shadow (...) Listen to my muscle memory"

It can't be only raw emotion because that's the bad ending 2 (or he stealing Seven's car), both mind and body had to work together (or to say it in the words of the song, the body can't be keep separated from the mind) for the well being of the person. And if it's in the natural design of things to tend to expansion and growth, why we'll be different? This is to live riding the spiral: self awareness.

"Swing on the spiral

Of our divinity 

And still be a human"

And the best part of all of these? Once this big rock is out the way? 

Now he can allow himself to feel everything! Both the good and the bad, his love for MC, his friendship for the RFA, and by him now being better, he can also be a better, more honest friend to those he loves. And by being more honest, he can now help them to get on their feet again just as MC helped him, and accept help from them . Without fear.

"We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been"

And that's why I love this song and Jumin Han.

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.

.

Note: So this didn't came out as I wanted :/ (that's why I couldn't post it like 1 month ago), but that's kinda of the point of the song I guess? 😅 Certain things can not be explained, only experienced and when you try to dissect them (overanalyzing) they lost something very important in the process. Even the same phenomenon doesn't guarantee the same experience for different individuals... But that's the good thing in the end 😅

How boring life would be if we all experienced the world in the same way...

[floralkittygambler]

Reposting for reasons

Response to Honest’s post here: Doing this to spread this awareness more as I know theres a bit of a rift in the critical community - plus I really fucking go on. Im PISSED and I do apologise however it NEEDS urgent addressing. I know people will hate me for it but Im used to hate and honestly? Hating rather than helping to solve the issue only furthers my fucking point here. So yeah this is so more people are aware (no offense to any of those involved in said rift either, but this is an important message. Thank you for understanding and if I can do anything to make all sides comfortable, then please message me and I’ll do my upmost.) “ More awareness of this is needed. Even if it’s your favourite, you can’t justify their shit but rally against another’s shit. Have people tell you you’re experiences arent real or invalid because, like Husk, people have - in real life - shipped you with someone you are far from comfortable with but you still treat them like a person. Because you have basic respect. And people force you to accept harassment, touching, stalking, advances for THEIR satisfaction. People use you for their fantasies. But you’re just a ‘tsundere’ for it. Or you have addiction issues but people think being with another addict will ‘save’ you because you’re apparently too incompetent to save yourself. Love isnt some magic fuckin cure so stop romanticising it as a fuckin saviour. It’s gross and fuckin creepy. Get stalked and have someone NEVER accept your no just because you show youre still decent enough to not treat them shitty or any different from anyone else. Try having someone way older or way younger (both in morally fucked up ways) advance on you and people encourage that. People you’re supposed to feel safe around.

People touch you when you pull away or show discomfort. Follow you home. Have pictures of you and wont accept you dont like them like that and it’s not ‘playing hard to get’ or ‘the thrill of the chase’. Fuck. OFF. In fact, Im not only disappointed in the fandom. Im disappointed in the entire team who some should know better from their OWN personal experiences - or at least the bare minimal of being a fucking adult. Im disappointed in especially females (sorry idk whether girl or woman is more appropriate here-) who statistically are more likely to have experienced something similar at some point in their lives think this is a cute gay moment. No. Angel is made out as a fucking predator - Im not saying he is, Im saying that his persistence is very fucking unwelcome like one. People like Husk dont need that fucking invasiveness. They/We need patience and someone on our level. Angel’s I know are the fuckin polar opposite - and some of them I know are very sexually harassing, including unwanted touching. It’s a shitty way to present gay people. Gays are fuckin people. Some are cunts and some arent. It’s a HUMAN thing. But considering the shit theyve been subjected to, presenting a gay as a victim only to also show them as a perpetrator is insulting! And for those Ive seen argue this about how people like AD wouldnt know how to express their love normally and whatnot? His pig. His best friend. He’s in his fucking 30s. There are literal real life criminals who get molested as kids and then go on to molest kids. Not all who grow up like that turn into nonces. Stop just fucking STOP justifying and romanticising this bullshit! I used to see the good in AD but now he makes me fucking sick. Especially with my verrrrrry fucking real traumas and connections. But fuck me, eh? Because this fictional guy matters so much more. Fuck real victims. And whilst we’re at it, fuck AD too when it suits your fetishes! Sarcasm aside, the fans and the team need to straighten up their abhorrent behaviour. Stolas. Fucking clearly having an affair, knowingly fucking up his daughter’s mental health and bribing a guy into sex who only wants the book and nothing more. He even has a fucking warning button over Stolas- Guys, how do you think any of this is cute? Even the team gross me out- I genuinely see potential and talent and it’s all gone to shit to satisfy horny teens, horny adults, and literally everyone who doesnt for the life of them understand being an adult is more than sex, drugs, violence and swears! I REALLY want to keep enjoying HB/HH but it’s getting harder and harder with such ignorant and bordering lazy creators (note: lazy as in wont do the fucking research or actually listen to real criticism and victims), such despicable fans (yeah, some HDers fuckin mocked that they triggered my ED, yet they had the fucking NERVE to support Angel’s potential ED AND laugh and blame me for me getting treated so badly for actually having the balls to call Angel and the teams hypocrisy. I got told to kill myself, that my problems arent real - oh but Angels apparently is! Which... They *are* but AD isnt real so technically only onlookers will suffer and not a drawing  - and they just excused their toxic behaviours. These people are like “aww poor angie babey!” yet fuckin INSULT sex workers. All this red in Hazbin yet it feels everyone and they mama colour blind. The issues are getting worse and fans are outright becoming EVIL, VILE, Vindictive little bullies - from kids to adults. You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself if you conduct yourself in such a manner. And you need to readjust your attitudes and behaviours because the only fuckers getting hurt are actual fucking victims. Ever been violated and been gaslit so much you STILL fucking question it’s reality? So you drown that shit out yet somehow it’s effects still hit you? Fetishise it. Make it your uwu gae couple goals, you’re no better than people believing Harley and the Joker werent toxic af. If this shit happened to you, most of you would actually SEE where we’re all coming from. Also, stop making gay a fetish - you’re like those creepy old men in the alley heckling lesbians to make out so they can wank off. Gays, no ALL the LGBT+ are fucking people too. So dont give me that bullshit then start turning everything just gay or just straight to mentally wank off to. It’s degrading and dehumanising. And yes, fiction does effect reality. You crush on a fictional character? Mourn one? Support one? Hell, fuckin jerk off to one - that’s affecting reality. Remember how in fiction all blacks were treated as villians? Look how theyre treated IRL. JAWS, great classic unfortunately their was a spike in shark killings over a fucking movie - the shark in the movie wasnt even real for the most part because they dont behave like that! (Also the animatronic was so shit they genuinely had so many issues - I think they even took to naming each one! Some fun trivia there!). Tiger sharks are more nasty than great whites as tiger sharks will hunt and eat a human. Great whites prefer seals and dislike human flesh, they just mistake us for seals. Hell, theres the toothless basking shark - theyre often SWAM WITH by divers for being so friendly. Yet Jaws made people think all sharks are bloodlusting over humans. Slenderman was created for a fucking contest and that influenced a stabbing (NOT Victor’s fault). Watch a horror movie that isnt based on a real life event and tell me that at least ONE has left you peaking over your shoulder. Stella may be a bitch - we dont know for certain - but try getting cheated on. Y’know what? Try growing up in such a broken home like Octavia. Yeah reaaaaaal fucking cute now, huh? Funny how as well y’all petition for male victims to be taken seriously then laugh when fictional males experience this abuse, further adding to stigma. You can be hit on by the hottest mf on the planet but if you arent interested, that should be respected! Also we’ve all been inspired by at least one fictional character so yeah. Yknow, since I was little Ive been fighting for sex worker and homeless rights. But HH/HB treatment of both leave a bitter taste in my mouth. I’ll still fully support sex workers and the homeless, but that’s the fucking effect this show is having. Bearing in mind I wont ever share everything Ive been through - and I shouldnt fucking have to in order to be believed and validated (obvs proof is required in a legal case but that’s a whole other topic). Why should I share MY fucking pain especially when you fuckers have belittled and triggered it more so? We have our rights to our secrets but fuck ME you lot NEED to start acting appropriately and like decent fucking humans. ‘iTs HeLl’ yeah and welcome to Earth- the team and yourselves live HERE. You obide by THESE rules. And as someone with beliefs (and a LOT of ancient fucking texts and studies on this shit) their Hell isnt even a proper Hell! It’s closer to purgatory and even then it’s not. Regardless, it’s a poorly built world with the lore consistently changing per episode and tweet, with many plot holes, and is apparently easy to get into - even via accidentally watching porn according to a stream. If youre gonna parade youre a fucking expert and research into demonology and use real believed figures, at least get THAT right. In fact, Lucifer and Lilith (and Stolas tbf) are ESPECIALLY risky as theyre a lot more complex than most easy access texts will tell you. Likewise, Stolas’s first introduction and main focus is sex. He’s one of the FEW Goetia demons that dont have some involvement in relationship issues at ALL. He’s known for astrology, crystals and herbs but hes also known to aid MONEY troubles (it’s lesser known but it’s true! HB Stolas is an insult to the Prince). Turning Vodou into something evil is vile considering it’s powerful and liberated slaves. Pentagrams are nothing to do with Satan, they’re magic based sigils. Upside down cross is the symbol of a SAINT. It’s just some edgy attempt to trick people into believing they know more than they do. Also you should NEVER dabble and doodle sigils without knowing the meanings or respecting what they behold. Vox and Val, real fuckin cute way to make them look like a stupid fucking highschool drama instead of a fucking SEX TRAFFICKER (note: real pimps often target YOUNG folks too - aka minors - and groom them into sex work. Theres different types of pimp. Viv has shown barely any understanding of ‘the game’ and its a fucking insult to injury. Yes we KNOW what a fucking pimp and prozzie are! We dont need to see it. We need REAL AWARENESS.) and a fucking scheming bastard of a CEO salesman botman. And yet even THEN lets go a step further and make some yandere wuv on boyfweind aboose! Fuck off- Now I love a good anime but these tropes are getting fucking dangerous now. And unrealistic to real love and relationships. Kids nowadays know fuck all on a healthy relationship (neither did the fuckin 50s tbf) and Im seeing more romaticism and glorifying abusive situations. Like the show ‘You’. Ok, there’s a fuckin bloke online who slaughtered innocents and kidnapped yet people commented how cute he is on his IG and that they want to be kidnapped or killed by him next. Dont believe me? Look up Peter Manfredonia Connecticut and the comments people left him and then tell me why shit like whats being presented in HH/HB ISNT fucking concerning - because it is. For a series about redemption, it’s brilliant at the opposite (Quote from the creator herself, Viv has posted that it’s influencing her bad choices. Even as a joke, proof’s in the pudding). And the overall focus on sex in the way Viv does is so immature and really creepy, and this is from an ADULTS perspective. From one adult to another, Im concerned as to why any of them think this is a normal fixation. Then again they’ve hired quite a large amount of dodgy folks and even a child. Most of this shit gets avoided with a basic background check like most companies run. I DO like Hazbin. Or the premise. I love some of the cast and spite the others. In Helluva, I just like a tiny portion of the cast. And I critique it so harshly because Viv DOES need a wakeup slap, grounding to reality, people who arent going to big her up or kiss her arse for once and shape her up to be the best she can be. The actually reach and even surpass her potential. And to reach where you need to be, there’s a lot of harsh lessons youll face. That’s life. Shes chosen one of the most HEARTLESS industries and if she blocks out critique as ‘hate’ then she’s not strong enough and wont last. It’s just another unprepped YanDev again (except I dont believe Viv to be a nonce. Even with her dodgy past and dodgy present, I think her perspective on sex and relationship with sexuality is FAR from healthy BUT I dont believe she’s a pedophile. Ive bled my fair share and so far, I just think her sex perspective isnt healthy or mature for her age. But there’s little to nothing to suggest actual noncery - dont worry about accusations there. But YanDev is totally a dirty predator. Just clearing that up). Viv NEEDS some harshness and stability if she wants to do things right. And it’ll make her fucking cry but if she loves these projects as much as she claims to, then you’ll sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for that shit. Even the strongest points are mediocre at best when properly observed. She CAN do more, but she’ll have to face the harsh music. Viv wont see this, but if she does, I dont care if it upsets her. Why? Because this is that much of an issue - something she’s cultivated - that she needs to take action and not ignore it or be secretive about it. She needs to grow up and get tougher skin. Im not saying this to cause her pain. In fact, I wouldnt waste my fucking limited time if I DIDNT care. Trust me, I have duties to be met at a certain quota every single day. I say this shit only because I give a shit and care. If we met, she’d fucking hate me. But people like me are good for shaping people up to their potential. And we arent always this ‘tough love’ either. But when someone needs that level of harshness to help themselves, we’re not afraid to lose people or cause upset if the results end up being the best for them. If she ever saw this, she needs to re fucking evaluate her message, her story, and those she’s choosing to welcome into her circle. And all Im seeing is one rookie mistake after the other. Her paid patreon discord. Just like the messages Honest has posted on her side of being harassed (not in Vivs fyi), Ive experienced shit and bullying and even stay silent on their for being attacked for a group I fuckin paid to be in and yet I feel isolated. It’s all arsekissing and ‘thank you viv’ (thats an actual channel-) and it feels like a place of borderline worship and people trying to appease her 24/7 whilst kicking others with different opinions down. There’s so many I love but I aint kissin yer fuckin arse. Ask the closest friend I have - we’re fucking raw and wont just side with each other just because. We’ll call each other out if we think they’ve fucked up and then help each other build themselves up better. Because real fuckin people who actually care wont just want to be adored by you. They’ll care enough to point out your bullshit and help you, even if they upset you at the time. They’re real and upfront with you. People like us arent always the easiest to be close to either because we arent afraid of upsetting someone if it’s in their best interest and to help them. Likewise, we dont go out looking for fights either. Most times, we’re fuckin soft bastards- All this shit listed is the fuckin surface level of the real life hell of this fandom. And unsurprisingly, those who experience little to no toxicity have always been higher on that popularity ‘food chain’ - enough admirers and shared opinions that people wanna arse kiss regardless of their OWN feelings as well as neutral perspectives. I’d say you’re the lucky fans, but you’re not. You’re sheltered, and that isnt always the best way to be sadly. As for the fans. If Ive upset you. Well... I dont care. Because many of you have actively sought me out and weaponised my traumas against me. You never cared about my feelings then. Why should I care about yours? Im not doing this out of malice. Im fed up of humans behaving so pathetically yet claiming to be high and mighty. Most of you have been arseholes to those in and out of the community. The victims and non-victims alike. Hardly any of you considered once my real suffering. You put a drawing over a life. Many lives. You had the audacity to tell me Im full of shit. Some even using my real traumas to make a mockery of me and those Im around with a very similar history. Some with traumatic histories that differ from my own. You hardly ever considered the real lives of those effected. So no, Im not sorry for having the fucking balls to this day to still stand up for our rights and give us a voice that’s long been stolen. Im not sorry for being a fucking victim. Im not sorry for saying what desperately NEEDS voicing. And Im not sorry for not conforming to you or any fandom just to belong. We deserve better than to constantly be your fuckin arse monkeys (well... the trope is butt monkey but yknow-) and to be mistreated, misrepresented and harmed by you. You’re no different to the school bullies who give speeches on anti-bullying day. And I hope every single one of you starts looking into yourselves and improving. PS: Depending on the texts you read, Lucifer is said to have been redeemed or to be redeemed. Fun fact to haunt yalls with~ “

[stray-inu-writes]

Here we go!! A Bungo stray dogs and WT matchup?? I am a straight female, my mbti is the Debater which I think is accurate, bc I'm p good at playing devil's advocate lol, I'm also a Scorpio! I have very long wavy hair and I'm only 5'4 and a little on the chubby side, and I have glasses! Now for the fun stuff: Im usually very hyperactive, I tend to think more logically than emotionally, and I'm a switch in relationships so I can lead or follow. More stuff in the next part ;0 1/2 3 max.

Pt 2!!! I briefly studied psychology and I'm fairly good at mathematics I suppose?? I enjoy video games though I'm pretty bad at them and I LOVE horror even though I scare very easily. I have adhd, so my brain tends to be in at least 8 different directions at once, and I have anxiety so I'm constantly listening to music to calm myself down. I'm terrified of spiders!!! I collect manga and knives, and I like rollercoasters!!! I curse a lot, but I try to be respectful to others who don't enjoy it

Last part!! Sorry for so much info!!! Um.. I'm into polyamory so tbh the more the merrier, I'm a heavy flirt and sometimes I worry I come off as easy. Boys make me nervous dksjjsd. That's all!! Ty so much for doing this you're very lovely !!!

Bungou Stray Dogs

 Aaah this one has been pretty difficult ! To be honest, I spent long minutes scrolling through my list of BSD chracters, but I kinda ignored the Guild (except Poe and Louisa, its characters are difficult to me to write for) and when I looked at it again, I realized Mark Twain would be a perfect fit for you ! You’re both very energetic people so you would find in each other someone that matches your energy. That wouldn’t keep Mark from helping you calm down when you’re too anxious, making jokes to put you at ease or if you don’t feel like laughing, putting on his music to center your thoughts. Or read a exerpt of his autobiography, that’s entirely up to you.

If you challenge this man to video games, especially shooting games, he will absolutely crush you : s/o or not, Mark gives me the impression of someone very competitive. Plus, his shooting skills wouldn’t leave you any chances… But afterwards, he would give you tips and I have no doubts that with that kind of teacher, you would get better at video games really quick. Since the day he learns that you love rollercoasters, 80% of your dates would be at amusement parks. He enjoys them very much and would scream at every single loop. Every. Single. Loop. Not because he’s scared, of course, but because he thinks it’s funnier this way.

He would love your collections and joke about the knives, telling you to not to use them on him. About spiders… Let’s be honest here : he would probably tell Huck and Tom to take care of them. I can already imagine you two standing on a table while he looks for the spider with his Ability… Finally, Mark is very flirty as well (I mean he just walks around with his shirt open-) and I believe the beginning of your relationship would just be playful dates, before it becomes something deeper. You two would have a serious talk about polyamory – I think Twain would be willing to try even if he would probably prefer to be exclusive, but with some conditions since he hasn’t done this before.

World Trigger

Now, for World Trigger ! This one was way more obvious : I match you with Yosuke Yoneya ! Like Twain, he’s a very energetic young man who probably plays video games and reads manga (bonus points for you if you talk to him about the pins on his uniform). When you first meet, you would immediately put you at ease - Yoneya is someone easy to be around of - and would make sure you aren’t intimidated by the fact he’s in a high-ranked unit. He would find your height difference adorable and would regularly prank you just to see your expression – unless he feels you’re anxious. In this case, he would try his best to soothe you and bring you to a place where you are more confortable.

Yoneya would definitely come ask you to help for his math homework and if you refuse, he would insist with his puppy eyes until you give in. He may be an A-class agent, but he still needs to pass his classes and god know this boy is bad at school (he has one of the worst grades in Border, very far from his unit’s nerds). He wouldn’t mind your cursing, he probably does it too, and can be a big flirt too. However, unlike Twain, I believe he wouldn’t want to be in a poly relationship.

Hope you enjoyed these matchups, and sorry for the delay !

[diamondcamefromhell]

Timeless love

Jaskier x female reader series part 3

[PART 1] ; [PART  2]

Summary: This is an AU, where Y/N is a young woman, trying to make ends meet with her freelancing writing job. She lives in her small Nottingham studio apartment along with her cat Apollo. Things change when one evening as she is waiting for her taxi, she meets what she thinks is Joey Batey, but the man in front of her is convinced he’s Jaskier, a character from her current favorite show. Y/N now has to figure out what to do.

Warnings: Swearing, vomit, alcoholism and alcohol-related borderline abuse

Word count: 2,251

NOTE:

This part has some heavier stuff than any other work Ive written, so please, proceed with caution for your own sake. nothing too graphic happens, but still want to make sure you know that it does have a certain character that could be triggering to some. he wont be a dominant feature in all parts, but i feel it’s important for Jaskier to interact with people like that, as he continues to learn about our world. 

hope you enjoy this part nonetheless. feedback, as always, is greatly appreciated <3 [im really nervous to see what yall think]

I don’t know when, but I managed to get some sleep. Not much, as it was just 7 am when Apollo started meowing and jumping on me, asking to be fed. I sit up, my gaze immediately going to the coach, where Jaskier seemed to be sleeping soundly.

I crawl out of the bed, going to the kitchen, where I see lute back by the fridge. He eventually put it down last night. I wonder how long did it take for him to fall asleep. I sigh, as quietly as possible pouring some food for my cat, who purrs as a thank you.

I stare out the window, as cars start going up and down the street. The town is waking up. I tiptoe around my apartment to go get my laptop from the coffee table. I am surprised Jaskier didn’t ask about it last night. But then again, he didn’t know most of the things in my apartment, he probably was overwhelmed.

I go back to my bed, opening and booting up my old friend. As I enter the password, I am greeted with a picture of him and Geralt on that rock, at the end of episode 6. I loved that whole scene so much. I stare at it, not believing the same bard is sleeping on my coach. I know better, so I change the picture to one of the default ones.

I open chrome, exiting the youtube page that has his song on it. He is not ready for that.

Or maybe I wasn’t. But it didn’t matter.

I go to email, checking for work. I have a few requests, and I decide it’s best to get some work done before Jaskier wakes up and we have to have more awkward conversations. I manage to write two articles, and then he awakens.

His face, for a second, is full of confusion, but then he seems to remember where he is. Now, his expression grows sad. I know he probably wished this were just a nightmare. I know he wished to wake up, back home. With Geralt and even Yennefer. But instead he got me and Apollo, who was already jumping on the coach, greeting Jaskier.

“So that wasn’t a dream,” he murmurs, but I catch it. I close my laptop.

“I’m afraid not.” I respond, as he looks at me, his expression still cold. “I’m sorry.”

“Well, what can you do.” He forces a smile, which I don’t really like, but I decide it’s best not to comment on that. Instead, I nod.

“I wish I could do something. Anyway,” I clear my throat. “Are you up to trying something new?”

“Depends on what it is.” Jaskier perks up, his clouded gaze clearing a little.

“Dirty beans.” I say, jumping out of my bed, I smirk at him. “Or as people call it – coffee.”

“I think I will pass on dirty beans.” He frowns and I giggle.

“You will not.” I say, as he smiles, just a little. And I know it’s genuine. A little hope in these dark times.

I go turn on my coffee maker, putting in the capsule. I decide to make him a latte, nothing too strong. I make myself giggle, when I realize he may be lactose intolerant. I guess we will find out. I stare at him, and decide to add two sugars.

For myself, however, I go black, with one sugar. I need the energy, as I feel absolutely exhausted. I take the drinks, giving him his cup. He sniffs the drink, taking a sip. I don’t sit down, closely watching his reaction.

He doesn’t frown, and actually looks pleasantly surprised. Smile curls his lips, and I catch myself smiling too.

“Glad you like my dirty beans.” I say, finally sitting down, sipping my own. The bitter taste hits my taste buds, waking me up in an instant.

“It’s nice. Thank you.” I smile.

“You are welcome, Jaskier.” I say, leaning back on the couch. “Let me know if you are hungry, I will cook something.”

“I will, thanks.” I glance at him, realizing how surreal it is. Yet we both seem calm.

“Then we might need to go out. Try to see if we can find something around here.” I feel anxiety rush over me. “It’s best if we do it in a day too. Safer.”

“What will we look for?” I shrug, closing my eyes.

“We’ll see it when we find it.” I look at his attire now. “However, you will have to change.”

“Sorry, I didn’t pack anything.” He says, smirking, and I feel a wave of ease wash over me. I am glad he is making jokes.

“I have some clothes that should fit you. I think.” He looks confused, nearly scared, so I continue. “Not my clothes, but I buy some for Dave, he sometimes needs them, because well… he doesn’t have that much.”

“Dave?” I cant read Jaskier’s tone, but he seems confused.

“He lives in the apartment in front of mine. We are… acquaintances at best.” Jaskier nods, as I place my coffee down.

I rush to my small wardrobe, going to the second drawer, where I keep clothes for Dave. Poor guy vomits on himself so often, and he doesn’t know how to wash clothes exactly. If they’re not too disgusting, I wash them, but I keep fresh ones at hand.

I get them at a thrift store, so most of them aren’t to fancy or anything.

I pull a pair of old black jeans, trying to imagine if Jaskier could fit in them. I think he should, but then again, I didn’t exactly examine how he looks that much. I’ve seen it for hours on tv. Dave is not a big man, and I thank my angels for that, as I pull a white shirt that should fit Jaskier too. I dig around to find a pink hoodie.

For a moment I think he wouldn’t wear it, but then I remember what he is wearing now and realize he probably would be fine with a bit of pink. I turn around, revealing his outfit, but Jaskier looks confused.

“Please tell me you know how to dress yourself.” I tease, and he laughs.

“I do, if you can’t tell, I dress nicely.” I chuckle, but don’t respond. “This is weird.”

“Just change.” I throw the clothes to him, and he starts undressing before my very own eyes. It takes me a moment for shock to pass away, before the blush rushes to my face. “In the bathroom for Christs sake!”

I point to the only other room in my apartment as the bard looks very confused. But one look at me, flustered and red sends the message, as he smirks, gathering his clothes and leaving the room. I fan my face with my hands.

Now I don’t meant to act like such a loser and fear seeing a man’s nipple. It’s just that I know I might have to stay with him for a couple more days, so it might make things weird. Also, I already had a crush on him, kinda, and I didn’t want to deepen it even more.

When he comes out, I am already seated, calmed down and drinking my coffee. I turn my face and immediately feel a wave of something rush over me. He looks so different. The pants are a bit big, I notice, but nothing a belt cant fix. The shirt, however, fits perfect, hugging his body. And the zip up hoodie ads a familiar pop of colour.

I feel my face become hot again.

“Verdict?” He asks, twirling around.

“You need a belt.” I say in one breath, rushing to get him the damn thing, before his pants fall off. Which, they nearly did already. When they are secure, I give one final look. “You look normal, so you’re good, I guess.”

“I don’t feel normal.” He says bitterly, and I sigh.

“I know, Jaskier. Not your usual attire, but this way, you will stand out less.” I stare at him, knowing there is a way bigger problem at hand.

He now literally looks like Joey Batey. An exact replica. And if someone, who has seen the hit show, sees him, it will be bad. I suddenly get a headache.

“We have a different problem. You look exactly like someone well known. That’s why I mistook you when I saw you last night.” I say, rubbing my temples.

“Who?” I sigh again.

“Joey. Joey Batey.” I grunt, closing my eyes. “If people recognize you as him, there might be… trouble.”

“Do townsfolk know him that well?” I glare at the man, but then I remember he seemingly knows nothing about my world. So I ease up.

“Yes. He’s like Geralt.” I compare. “The world just knows him. I guess we will have to stay close to home. And wear your hood up.”

I ignore my headache, chugging down my coffee, as Jaskier puts his hood up. He looks adorable, but I don’t say that, instead I nod, approving. I decide to go without breakfast, as the more I think about having to go outside, the more anxious I get.

And I am out of my medication, since I don’t like going to a doctor.  I silently curse myself out, as we make our leave. The corridor still stinks, so I give Jaskier an apologetic glance, who in return gives me a soft smile. I feel a chill rush down my spine, when the door behind our backs open. I drop my keys, thankfully after I already locked the door.

I quickly pick them up, turning around to face my neighbour. Dave is staring at Jaskier, his eyes wide with surprise. He has never seen me bring a man home.

Dave is wearing grey joggers, with various stains on it. I notice some blood, but realize it’s best not to ask, not with Jaskier in the earshot. His shirt also clearly has dried vomit on it, and he oozes of vodka and something else. It makes me dizzy and sick.

I try to imagine what the bard is seeing. A frail, tiny white male. Bald, but with a black creepstache. Shaking uncontrollably. It must be so confusing. I want for us to get away, only then I notice Jaskier shielding me ever so slightly. My heart beats faster.

“Hello Dave.” I say through my teeth, stepping in front of Jaskier, so now I would shield him from the curious stare.

“Y/N, sweetheart. Didn’t know you had company.” He says, holding on his door frame, stabilizing himself. I force a smile.

“Yes, well. He’s a friend.” I say, stepping in front of ‘my friend’ more. Dave wasn’t generally violent, but he could get jealous and insecure from every male person who ever walked this earth. Let’s say he has a fragile ego.

“Introduce us, then!” He smiles, and I notice he’s missing his front tooth now. Poor man.

“I’d rather not, Dave.” I say, firmly, as he takes a step forward, using me as a stabilizer now. I want to step away, but I know it would cause a scene. And he wasn’t generally violent, but there instances.

“C’mon sweetheart.” He leans in, whispering. “Your friends are my friends.”

“I said no.” My voice comes out weak as the stench from his is making me feel dizzy. I feel like I am about to throw up.

“She has said no, Dave.” Jaskier speaks, startling me. I almost forgot he was there. He steadies me, as I didn’t even realize I was drifting back. Then I notice my hands shaking. I’m beginning to panic. Fuck.

“We are in a rush, Dave.” I deescalate the situation, as my neighbor was shooting daggers at Jaskier. “Next time, I will introduce you two.”

“Where are you going?” Dave steps back, but he grabs my upper hand. I get startled, squirming a little. That seems to tip off Jaskier.

“Let go.” He steps in front of me now, his voice firm. Dave, to my surprise, listens, letting me go immediately.

“You got yourself a good man, Y/N.” He says, laughing. He steps in his apartment, slamming the door. I lean on the wall, taking a couple deep breaths, which don’t help as it stinks in here.

“Are you okay?” I shake my head.

“I need fresh air.”

I practically jump down the stairs, and when I reach outside, I go around the corner to throw up. My stomach hurts.

Dave is usually kind. He rarely ever lays his hands on me, but whenever he does, it’s never nice. I wish Jaskier wasn’t there to witness this. I glance over my shoulder, to see his worried look, I straighten up, wiping my mouth.

“I’m fine.” I grunt, ignoring the fact that his gaze doesn’t change.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that, a lady like you…” I lift my hand, annoyed. He get’s the hint, shutting up.

“In this world, Jaskier, I’m no lady.” I put my hair behind the ear, anxiously looking around. “Get used to that.”

“It’s not fair.” He argues, worry not leaving his face. I sigh, walking past him.

“The world isn’t fair.” I bitterly say, before taking a deep breath. I face Jaskier again. “Now let’s look for something that could help you.”

He knows this conversation is over, as I feel anxiety come back. I have no idea what to look for or where to even begin.

[PART 4]

~~~~~~~~

TAG LIST [if you wish to be added or removed from the tag list, lmk]

@ultracolorfulnerdcollection ; @viyamystic ; @sleepyblossom ; @killjoy-acid-crash

[geekofmanyforms]

New Beginning Chapter Two

***Thanks goes to my new Beta Casey and her amazing polishing skills. She is doing a wonderful job of helping me fix this story up. If you guys wanna leave her some thank you comments, im sure she would be grateful. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. I will upload more of this fic if I receive requests to do so. Currently, I have 23 chapters written, so there is plenty to come.***

I watched as Stefan drove his car into the garage of the Boarding House. He, of course, hadn’t changed a bit since the last time I’d seen him. One of the perks of being a vampire, I guess.

After he went inside, I sat in my car and scoped out the place. I knew Damon was here too, I could sense it. I had very few memories of him, mostly just flashes; I assume they were amongst the memories I had yet to unlock.

My phone went off, causing me to jump out of my skin. ‘Barbie Girl’ played as Caroline’s name was displayed on the screen. I smiled as I remembered how angry it made her when I chose that as her ringtone.

“Hello Care, how can I help you?” I asked.

Her high pitched, pissed off voice filled my ears, “Where the hell are you, El?”

I pulled the phone away from my ear and snapped at her, “Whoa Care, you’re gonna bust my eardrum! I’m doing something personal,” I said with a huff.

“You were supposed to meet us at the Grill, remember?!”

I sighed into the phone. I completely forgot the plans Caroline had made on my behalf.

“Sorry Care, I can’t make it. I’ll totally make it up to you later, ok?”

I hoped this would smooth things over — the last thing I needed was an angry Caroline.

“You better call me and explain yourself later. None of this personal crap. Got it?” she said firmly.

I laughed lightly, agreeing with her, and hung up the phone. I’d have to come up with some kind of story that would satisfy her; otherwise, I’d be in the doghouse.

I took a few deep breaths, preparing myself for what would definitely be an awkward meeting. I pulled my car into the driveway of the vampire Boarding house. I shut off the engine and checked my reflection in the rearview mirror, fixing my untidy red hair. I slipped out of the car, quickly making my way to the front door. My white knuckles stood out brightly against the dark wood as I knocked. I could feel my heart pounded against my ribs and tried to slow my heart rate by breathing deeply. I knew they’d be able to hear me. I ran my sweaty hands down my jeans, then fidgeted with the frayed sleeves of my jacket as my nerves started coming to the surface.

I heard voices on the other side of the door, and I lowered my head, successfully hiding my face behind my hair. I wasn’t sure if they would answer the door if they saw who I was. Then again, I scolded myself, they have been alive for centuries now, who’s to say they would even remember me? Maybe I didn’t mean as much to them as I thought I did? The handle jiggled, and my heart leaped into my throat as Stefan opened the door to greet me. There was no way he couldn’t hear my pounding heartbeat; it sounded like I had jogged the whole way here. I kept my face turned away, hiding behind my hair as his voice lilted towards me. Its familiar rhythm sending jolts of memories through my mind.

“Hello, can I help you?” He asked, curiously.

My pulse jumped in my neck, no doubt enticing the vampire as I fought with my cowardly self. Patiently, Stefan waited as I took a few gulps of air and pulled at my sleeves anxiously before I finally lifted my face to meet his.

It was like stepping into my own dreams and memories; almost nothing about him had changed. Knowing he was a vampire, I should have expected as much, but for some reason, I was still a bit surprised. The only difference apart from his clothes, of course, was his hair. His dark brown hair was styled differently than I remembered but still framed his face flatteringly. I liked this new hairstyle better now, actually — I thought it suited him better. I tried to smile, but couldn’t as his pale face contorted in horror. His forest green eyes widened in disbelief as he took in my features, several emotions fought for dominance on his face.

“Hello, Stefan,” I said, simply.

I wasn’t sure what the proper greeting was when you haven’t seen someone for centuries, but I probably could’ve said something more worldly than 'Hello.’

“El…Elandra?” He stuttered.

Elandra. I hadn’t heard that name for ages. In fact, I had only ever been given that name twice in my entire existence. Once in their time, and the other in my own. It was my real name.

I smiled at his nervous expression.

“It’s Elara now, Stefan. May I come in?” I asked, pointing at the door.

His jaw slackened, but his expression stayed in place as he stepped aside to allow me inside. I stepped past him, looking around in awe. Everything was so beautiful. I wasn’t new to elegance or riches, but I had been taught to appreciate beauty. I had been poor as many times as I had been rich, so I never took anything for granted. Although I had to say, I liked this home much better than their first.

Stefan led me to the sitting room. I took a seat on the nearest couch, sinking down into the soft material. I giggled softly and smiled up at Stefan standing in front of me, still staring as if I was a ghost. Did he expect me to disappear into a wisp of smoke?

“Would you like a drink?” He offered.

He pointed behind him, towards the bar where a decanter full of gleaming red liquid sat. I looked over at the bar and bit my bottom lip. They had one crystal decanter of blood sitting out next to the Bourbon — they really shouldn’t have that in such plain view. I couldn’t help but laugh at his offer. He frowned at my reaction, confused.

“We have animal blood too,” he kindly offered.

I stood and walked over to the small bar. I made myself a glass of Bourbon, shaking my head as I eyed the red substance.

“Stefan, I’m human. Well…sorta,” I said, shrugging.

His face froze, brow raised as he ran his hands over his face slowly, his posture stiff. Feeling pity for the poor immortal, I gestured towards the couch.

“Why don’t we sit down? let me explain.”

He watched me take my drink back to my seat and cross my ankles before he joined me. He leaned against the back of the couch and sighed deeply. I took a large swig of the amber liquid in my hand and closed my eyes. I enjoyed the warm burn as it slid down my throat. When I was ready, I turned my body toward him, placing a gentle hand on his thigh. I took a deep breath and decided to delve into what I could. Having only minimal information myself at this point, I was only able to tell Stefan what my own memories allowed. I had only unlocked so much. So far I knew that I was a Reincarnate, someone who is reborn over and over again, never truly dying. I tried to explain everything to him, only leaving out the Mikaelsons and a few other details. I wasn’t ready to discuss certain things. Hell, I was still working on some of it myself. To Stefan’s credit, throughout my long tale, he didn’t interrupt once. When I was done, Stefan took a deep breath and sighed loudly.

“Well, that’s a lot. So you’re a Reincarnate then?”

I nodded. “As of right now, I have no clue how, but yes.”

He ran his hand through his brown hair ruffling it as he did.

“Elandra, there’s something I have always wanted to say to you.”

Stefan placed his hand on my own and looked into my eyes. I smiled at him, guessing what he wanted to apologize for. Same old Stefan Salvatore, always repenting.

“I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I should have been there.”

I gave him a hug, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. Finally, he was able to let go of the guilt he held onto for centuries.

“Stefan, what happened to me wasn’t your fault. It’s only the fault of those evil bastards who hurt me. Besides, it was centuries ago,”

I tried to ignore the memory of that terrible night. It was something I never wanted to relive. We heard a commotion upstairs as a voice filled the awkward silence.

“Stefan, who the hell was at the door?”

I recognized the voice immediately and stood, turning around my back facing the stairs.

I had no clue why I was so nervous, but I was. My stomach fluttered as footsteps approached us. Stefan stood as well and stepped closer to me whispering encouraging words. I barely heard him.

“Ah, we have company. Who’s this?”

The cocky voice sent shivers down my spine. I stayed put, unable to turn around. My whole body went rigid with stress, and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing.

“Damon, we need to talk,” Stefan said, walking away from me.

“Why? Who is she?” he asked, clearly annoyed.

I could hear footsteps on the carpet behind me, but I remained where I was. I tilted my head to the side, looking at him from behind my hair. From my shield of red, I could see Stefan standing in front of him one arm on his shoulder. He was leaning into him, trying to keep him where he was. Damon was pushing against him, moving towards me, obviously thinking I was someone Stefan intended to use against him. I heard Stefan trying to lead him into another room, but Damon had other plans. I heard a quick rustling of shoes on the carpet before I felt someone touch my arm, spinning me around. I dropped the crystal glass I had been holding, and my green eyes met his blue. I’d forgotten how absolutely gorgeous he was. His raven black hair was shorter than it was the last time I’d seen him. Of course, that was when he was still human, and long hair was the fashion. His blue eyes widened, and he dropped my arm as if I had burned his flesh. He backed away from me, his eyes moving over my face. If I had thought Stefan was surprised by my sudden appearance, it was nothing compared to Damon. His face scrunched up in pain.

“Elandra?” he whispered my name as if it were a prayer.

Hearing him speak my name was all it took. Suddenly, memories were flooding into my mind. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t get the words past the barricade of pain. Seeing him had triggered the memory of every moment he and I had ever shared together.

I fell to my knees, my head held tightly in my hands. Voices were calling out to me, but I couldn’t see past the pain, nor the swirling memories that fled past my eyes one after another. It was like I was a bystander, observing myself live through events I was only now learning I had lived through. I saw myself in Damon’s arms, kissing him and laughing with him. I felt warm tears cascading down my cheeks as I remembered how I had loved him before he went to war. I watched my past self-cry as she handed Damon a picture of her painting in a garden as he prepared to leave. He promised he’d return to her, promised he would never love another. I saw Stefan hold her as they watched him wave goodbye.

The memories shifted, and I was suddenly by her side as she trained with Emily Bennett and Katherine Pierce. Then, I saw as her whole world crumbled when she realized that Damon had returned from the war without telling her, having fallen in love with Katherine. As she listened to Katherine talking about her relationship with both brothers, the memories began to fade. My senses were returning to me, but the pain in my head was fiery reminder of every single memory. It was like someone was breaking my heart and pushing hot coals into my mind all at the same time.

“Elandra, please tell me what’s wrong,”

I heard Damon’s voice in my ear. I lifted my head, finally coherent enough to realize I was in his arms. My head laid against his hard chest, his shirt was soft against my cheek. Stefan was beside us, face pale and lined with worry.

“It’s ok, I’m fine. It’s just the memories, it’s painful when they all rush back like that,” I said, pushing myself out of Damon’s arms and standing.

It was too hard being so close to him. The pain of what had happened between us was still too fresh in my mind. Damon held my arm as I rocked back and forth on my heels.

“How are you here?” he asked suspiciously.

I made my way to the couch and lifted my hand in the air, ushering for Stefan to explain everything to him, my head was still throbbing. Not to mention the confusion I was feeling. I was in no mood to play twenty questions with Elara. I sensed someone standing in front of me and looked up, smiling at the glass dangling above my head. The condensation glistened in the light falling from the window beside me. I took the drink gratefully. I drank small sips as I rubbed my temples. As I rubbed my aching head, I felt something on my upper lip and frowned, lifting my fingers to my nose. Looking down, I noticed the bright red smeared on my fingertips, with a sigh, I took a tissue from my pocket and wiped the blood from my nose and fingers. The eyes of both vampires shot towards me. I shook my head, continuing to wipe my nose. I looked away from them and watched the amber liquid in my glass swirl as I tilted the crystal back and forth. The pain was starting to dull. I felt the couch sag as someone sat down beside me. I lifted my head and looked into Damon’s blue eyes.

“So your Elena’s sister in this life?” he asked softly.

I watched his expression shift as he said her name. It was almost pained reverence. I remembered what Beka told me of what Katherine had done to the brothers after my death.

“Yes, and you’re a vampire now, huh?” I laughed.

He gave me his signature smirk. “Yeah, lucky me, right?”

I could sense being a vampire was something he never wanted. His smirk faded to a frown.

“I’m so sorry, El, I should have been there,” he whispered.

Deep down, part of me wanted to hurt him. Part of me wanted to come out and say, “Yes, you should have been. You should have chosen me. Loved me.” But I couldn’t. I still cared about him, despite how things had transpired between us. I wrapped my arm around him, taking in his familiar scent.

“It’s not your fault,” I told him.

He stood, pulling me onto my feet. I wobbled, feeling my legs shake with the effort it took to remain upright, but Damon held me tightly against his side. He brushed my hair gently from my face.

“You’re just as I remember you. How old are you?” Damon asked.

He walked a circle around me, observing me up and down. I started laughing; I felt like his prey.

“I just turned 17. Or did you forget my birthday?” I joked.

His face fell for a moment, eyes clouding over in memory.

“No, I visit your grave every year. I just came back from my visit. August 10th, last month.”

I was surprised by his revelation. He visits my grave? I don’t even visit myself. The thought of him grieving me, after all this time, broke my heart.

“Oh, Damon, I’m so sorry,” I cried.

Tears clouded my vision, but I could see his eyes never left mine. My phone rang, breaking through the aching sadness. Damon’s eyebrow lifted at the ringtone. I shifted uncomfortably. No one understood why I’d chosen it yet. I have an odd sense of humor. 'Werewolves of London’ ended as I answered the phone.

“Hey, Tyler. What’s up?”

Damon’s eyes narrowed as he listened to me speak.

“Hey, Ellie. Have you heard from Vick today?” Tyler asked, his voice stiff.

“No, can’t say I have, sorry.”

An irritated sigh came from the other end.

“Ok, if ya hear from her tell her to call me,” Tyler asked.

“Yeah, Ty, I’ll do that.”

I hung up and slid my phone in my back pocket after glancing at the time.

“Listen, Damon, I gotta go. It’s late,” I said.

I hated leaving after everything that had happened, but Jenna would be pissed if I came home late.

“Can’t you make something up and stay?” He asked, hopefully.

“No, I cant. I promise, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I pulled my phone from my pocket and outstretched it to him “here, put your number in my cell-”

He took my phone, and after a few seconds, I felt a slight breeze and then a heavy feeling in my back pocket. Damn vampire speed!

“Did you just fondle me, Mr. Salvatore?” I joked.

His face brightened at my familiar sense of humor. I could tell he was glad it hadn’t been lost.

“What if I did?” he asked, cockily.

I lightly slapped his face and enjoyed his genuinely shocked expression. He touched his cheek with a smirk.

“How dare you! I’m a lady, sir,” I flipped my hair and headed for the door.

He beat me there, opening the door for me.

“Thank you. I’ll see ya tomorrow. Tell Stefan I said bye,” I said, laughing when he rolled his eyes at the mention of his younger brother.

I walked to my car, and as I got in, I noticed he was still standing in the doorway, watching me. I waved, shifted the car into reverse, and pulled out of the driveway.

Masterlist

[living-for-the-present]

World Autism Awareness Day

Autism isn’t something that you can just cure away. It’s not like that. It’s a development disorder, not something that you develop but something that you’re born with, and it’s something that i’m born with, or at least a form of it - ASD i.e, Aspergers. and although it’s on a spectrum, i have more understanding of it. and there's times where i feel like there's not enough empathy to understand it, there's still so much ignorance and negative stigmas, stereotypes. some i can vouch for and say are true, but associating and stereotyping ‘autism’ as ‘an awkward little boy’ is wrong and completely unfair.

As i say, it’s a spectrum and we are all different, but it’s those differences that make us so unique and each to our own, it’s those differences that makes the world more vibrant. And i need people to learn to have more empathy, because i understand how hard it is, but they need to at least try more.  

Having Autism and or Asperger's affects your communication and it can be such a struggle to even speak or make eye contact, and simply express yourself. It’s taken me time and still takes time for me to learn how to communicate, sometimes i’m reclusive, sometimes i have verbal diarrhoea, and with me there’s never an in between because it's something i find hard to balance, there’s no normality. and i know in myself i shouldn’t expect that - there’s no such thing as normal. we’re all aliens lost on this planet just looking for acceptance - one way my brain works, one way my brain thinks.

Yes, i know i can be random and go off track, i know that, but there’s still logic in my brain and the way i think, in a way that the people around me can't always grasp, and that's just one example in what i mean by the lack of empathy. I’m not that far on the spectrum so compared to a lot of people, it’s easier for me to see both POVs, and so I do understand what others struggle to get.

I know the simple understanding can be hard to comprehend. how we function. how we can be hypersensitive - visually, to smells, sounds, tastes, touch. how a simple and small thing can trigger meltdowns. a small thing that is meaningless to someone can actually make such a big deal to someone on the spectrum, like how i don’t like how cupboards or drawers are left open, how i need to have the exact same and correct cutlery to eat a meal, the way i have to shut a curtain. how if i sense any fraction of unbalance in my body, that can make me ‘twitch’ - being, if i’ve brushed the side of my leg against something, i need to equal that out on my other side. how people on the spectrum are more prone to having other mental health issues - and for me that’s anxiety and depression, i have higher levels of anxiety than the average person, and combining that with hypersensitivity can at times trigger a minor meltdown. Minor for me but can be major for others.

although i don’t have claustrophobia, being in a room where i feel surrounded by too many people can trigger my anxiety, feeling like a failure, like i've let myself or others down, can trigger my anxiety. My brain overthinks and over thinks and over analyzes the smallest things and details and every situation, and although you may not believe me - it’s an Aspergic trait in myself, and something i find hard to control.

But the most obvious thing that i find hard to control are ‘my obsessions’. Please, for the love of god, understand this because it makes me mad, they are not ‘obsessions’, it’s a trait that i can’t control and even typing this as im speaking makes me want to cry, because no one fucking gets it.

Do not call me ‘obsessed’ if i want to solely talk about BANKS or YouTubers or music or social media or celebrities etc. it’s another trait and you will see that in so many children and adults. We become very focussed on something whatever it may be. we become so focussed that it becomes our priority, our main knowledge, the only thing we know and want to talk about, because think about it - if you don’t know how to small talk, the only way you know how to ‘break the ice’ is by forcing words out of your mouth, and the only words and only piece of knowledge you know. It’s not an ‘obsession’. i’m making that very clear.

Yes, i’m aware i can over speak and i’ve told you, sometimes i have verbal diarrhoea, i’m sorry for that but, i can’t apologise for that part of me, something i’ve been born with, i can’t apologise for my passions and interests. but, let me apologise for things i say and do, ‘i have aspergers’ that is rightfully a genuine excuse and i can’t have anyone tell me it’s not.

Aspergers doesn’t completely define me, but it does defines a lot of my words and actions and you need to accept that - because i already do. I accept that it’s a part of me that i can’t change. It’s a part of me that i have to learn to cope with. and coping can be hard, especially as triggers are unpredictable and i can’t predict what type of or when i will have a meltdown, i can’t predict if my anxiety will trigger it or if it’s something else, i can’t predict if i will circle the kitchen table, get trapped in ‘my zone’ repeating a word or phrase, i can’t predict my suicidal thoughts, i can’t predict if i’m going to bite my wrists or dig my nails into my hands, i can’t predict if i’m going to start clenching my fists and thump my stomach and legs.

That’s something others will never understand - the energy inside, the frustration, the mental lows that come along with it. There’s not enough ears listening to our voices. This, meltdowns, this is my biggest struggle. I know my weaknesses, i know i have strengths - i know im creative, i love expressive art - poetry, media, music, photography - i also know that i describe BANKS as an expressive artist - she’s not just a singer, she’s not autistic, but she’s someone i can relate to, and if i want to talk about her for 27 Hours - know my reasoning. it’s not just my Aspergers focussing my energy on her, but because of how i see her as a person.

and, i see you, im quiet, but trust me, i do see you - just another part of me. communication has and will always be a struggle for me, even if you think i'm a writer - that took me time, and honestly it's easier when you know what you’re talking about and when you have a passion, a muse, an inspiration and motivation - i have a voice but i keep it quiet - my anxiety is too scared to stand up and speak out, but i mainly love the music and art behind words, the poetic justice, metaphors and homophones. homophones are the best.

even if this doesn’t make sense to you, it makes sense to me. just listen and learn. even if we can’t speak, listen to our unheard voices, not the ones that speak on our behalf, but the ones inside us. don’t stop and stare. don’t think of us as an awkward nuisance - honestly because to us you can be the awkward nuisance - if you don’t give clear instructions, or leave us with rhetorical questions, or stand too close to us, if you don’t follow a simple rule. we love love love rules and structure, and if anything were to marginally change, that will throw us off. It’s just another small thing to learn. that’s not hard, and it’s not hard to learn to have less ignorance, to learn to be more empathetic.

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Nail in the Coffin.

Quarantine Day #44.

I quit my job yesterday. Well, technically I put in my two weeks notice but either way, I’m done. Nothing felt right there. The second I walked in to talk to my boss, I felt this huge wave of anxiety and things just started coming back to me... I’m genuinely surprised that he was upset and tearing up when I told him.

I know with the associates there will be... mixed reviews. And then after a very short while, it will be as if I was never there. Except when they get together and talk shit about all the former bosses they’ve had in that store. It may sound like a reach but I was a part of some of those conversations, so I know it happens. It does hurt knowing that some of the people there will always have a negative opinion of me. I also know it was highly unlikely that I was going to change those opinions.

It is sad in a way, to go out this “discreetly” but the alternative was worse. It’s just me now though. I still have a part time job thank God but that also won’t be fully up and running again until the quarantine is over. I’m fully relying on myself. I am literally banking on myself and that is insane. This transitional period though.... this shit is fucking awful.

When the whispers started about there being store closures due to a virus that was going around, I was worried about my health but my immediate thought was “I hope we close!” I was quietly waiting while loudly expressing my panic over dying from this shit (once I fully understood what it was). My panic lessened over time and we received our notice to close. I couldn’t wait to burrow myself in my room but so far, this shit has been fucking tragic. I like being alone (for the most part) but this is a lot of social distancing, even for me. And it’s not that I need to be in a store, around customers but it was nice to vent to my coworkers from time to time. At certain times of my retail career, my job was killing me while simultaneously saving me. It was my only purposeful creative outlet for a long time. It’s just unfortunate that that’s what I put ALL of my attention into.

Now I have to start over. Which is what I wanted but now my starting over involves being confined to a two bedroom apartment with my roommate. We’re not getting along, to say the least. As of right now, I’m not even sure if we’re still friends. I don’t know if we’ve actually been friends this whole time. Somethings always been off and like I do with most situations, I see the good in people and I run with it. The way our friendship started was not ideal in the slightest. If you have to hide that you’re spending time with someone, that’s a sign. We ignored all of them and here we are. I don’t even want to be in my own apartment.

In first few weeks of the quarantine, I lost around ten pounds and dropped back down to a size four without any exercising. My journey of not eating meat hasn’t been rough but there were no instant changes. Like with most diets, you have to wait for the result so I had that mindset but I’m also not sure what result I was actually looking for. Initially, I became Pescatarian because I was going off of my Lamotrigine and I was looking into more Hollistic ways to help myself. That is also why I started smoking weed. I can’t speak on how much it’s helped my mood but my whole body changed.

When I lost the weight though, it was happening at an almost abnormal pace. And then my appetite completely disappeared. I felt exactly how I did when I was in jail. I had half a slice of bread in a three day period. I was so stressed out [and what I believe to be disassociating] that food didn’t look like food to me. Smells weren’t registering. I could barely chew. Now that I’ve gone through it again, I can’t pinpoint what triggered it. I wasn’t stressed about the ban because my company was [is] still paying me and I don’t take that for granted but something was definitely wrong with me.

I started breaking out constantly and that is not normal for me. My period completely reset so it was two weeks late and that was terrifying. And then I got Sausage digit, which I hate typing because the word just feels gross. It was my pinky on my right hand. When I woke up that morning, I knew something was wrong with my hand immediately. My finger was just red and partially swollen at that point but it progressively got worse. It got to the point that I was seriously considering going to the doctor but they would’ve turned me away due to the overcrowding in hospitals right now. I basically came to the conclusion that it was either SD, Celiac disease or just a pinched nerve. There was also a slight possibility that I jammed it into a wall and sprained it. It’s happened before and the only reason I know is because of the damage that was left behind. But eventually I figured out it was SD.

It went away after a day and a half but it was painful and completely out of nowhere. It was hard to sleep that night though. There were articles about it potentially getting so bad that my finger would need to be amputated. I was way in my head on this one but the physical aspects were extremely scary. Along with only being able to eat when I’m high, the beginning of this was not a good time for me. I locked myself in my room for a week [five days] and things just got worse from there. My roommate didn’t know how to deal with it so I was inadvertently hurting someone while trying to heal myself. That’s a difficult thought for me to process. When we discussed it however, she was clear to let me know she didn’t need to know “for her” if I was okay, she just didn’t know how dark it could get”... Ok. Well thank you for being sure to let me know that you’re not “doing it for you”. That kinda sounds to me like you don’t care and if you don’t care, then why are we having this conversation.

I also had a “speed walking, back and forth while petting the cat, listening to music and crying” day and other unfortunate days in between. Now on Day #45, I have to navigate my way through the wreckage from a very heated argument between my roommate and myself. It was the fight that I knew was going to happen eventually but I wasn’t prepared for it. She brought up how I constantly judge her, I am part of the reason why she quit her job (when we worked together), she doesn’t like the music I listen to even though she’s pretended to enjoy it this entire time, she doesn’t like that I tell her when I have a bad feeling about someone she’s dating. She made it clear that she needs to “make her own mistakes” and my issue with that is her thinking someone is trying to stop her. I might pass you a friendly warning when you’ve been arrested once tor drinking and driving once I have three DUIs but maybe that’s on me. Maybe I need to mind my own business. But if that’s what I need to do, then don’t ask me for my opinion about anything ever again.

The argument that turned into a conversation was about four or five hours long and I can’t remember what started it exactly. I do know however that I’m the one who initiated it. I made an honest statement about something and it was the wrong move. Everything went downhill from there. I said almost everything I had been thinking in the past year or so. I told her there’s no mutual respect between us. I made her a part of my life and when she was bored with me, she went and hung out with other people instead. Fine. All of this worked around her new relationship so I wasn’t going to tell her not to hang out with her girlfriend. Do whatever the fuck you want but do not say shit to me about me not hanging out with you when you’ve ditched me numerous times.

We also talked about her work review. The horrible fucking review I gave her when she was my associate. It was honest and blunt and she cried over it in the office that day, twice. It’s one of the things we don’t talk about but I think I’m the one who brought it up. Again, I kept digging. She asked me what I’m getting out of the friendship and I don’t know if I had answer for that. She did when I asked her but she kept coming back to the fact that “I see something in her that no one else sees”. I don’t know how much weight that holds when I upset you more than I motivate you. It’s something to her. It might be nothing to me.

We talked about how we avoid each other, we don’t help each other when we’re sick, she’s one way with me and different with everyone else, how Im tired of constantly being the one to push things forward... all of the shit I told myself was going to come out eventually. Why should I have to deal with this shit at home? It’s like I literally can’t escape my problems. Mix that with a two month long quarantine and it’s fucking awful. Right now, I’m trying to decide if I want to talk this out today or just leave it alone. A part of me is hoping that she forgot most of it. Who the fuck knows.

[phangirlof]

Next Door

Description: The relationship you have with your mother worsens after your father abandons the both of you.

Genre: Angst (possibly triggering), Fluffy ending???

Pairing: Do Kyungsoo x reader

Word Count: 1,695 (The first 1k is decent and the rest is bad im sorry)

“Useless. That’s all you are.”

I sat there in the darkness letting my mother’s words continue to stab me. She’d said them hours ago, but ever since I’d been in my bedroom letting them eat at me, destroy the person I knew I was, not the one she tried to force me to believe I was. I wiped the tears that slipped past my attempt to keep them in.

“You’re the biggest waste of space I’ve seen. I would do anything to go back and have you aborted.”

She’d said many, many nasty things to me over the years, and I always tried my best to ignore them. I refused to believe any word that she uttered. But tonight, it seemed like she had pulled out everything that could possibly hurt me. And it did. Every last syllable was like a dagger shoved and twisted into my heart. After tonight’s spiel, she left. She didn’t say when or if she’d be back. She picked up her jacket and her close-to-empty pack of cigarettes, and left.

I didn’t understand it, but she was so cruel to me because she suspected I was the reason for Dad leaving all those years ago.

I was barely ten years old. I had been at school. I always figured he chose then to do it to avoid as much heartbreak as possible. I got home right as he was leaving. I remember excitedly running off the bus to tell my parents everything that had happened that day, but Dad was in his car pulling out of the driveway. He didn’t stop to talk or even to look at me. My mother never told me he left us, that was something I slowly had to piece together. It wasn’t that hard though, my mother threw all of his stuff out in the yard and one night burned it. She took almost everything he had bought for us, and sold it. And finally, the biggest clue was that each night, when I lay there waiting for him to come tuck me in and read me a bedtime story, I would stay up for hours because he never came home.

I didn’t want to leave my bed. It was the only place I felt truly safe, but I heard the doorbell sound off. I threw the covers to the side and got up. I made my way to the door, wiping my tears as I went. I opened it, expecting to see my mother at the door because she lost her house key again, but instead it was our next door neighbor. “Hey Soo.” I mumbled, having lost my voice from crying until my lungs burned earlier. “I heard shouting and saw your mom storm off. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” I nodded slowly, now focusing all my attention on the ground. Kyungsoo had a habit of reading me like a book. “Look at me.” I ignored him. “Please.” He whispered, moving closer to me. I still kept my eyes on ground. Kyungsoo ever so slowly brought his finger up to my chin and tilted my head up so I was looking directly at him. “You’re not okay, don’t lie to me.” He said in a small voice. I felt the tears well up in my eyes again. But instead of trying to stop them from falling, I buried my head in his chest, and let them out. He wrapped his arms around me, stepping inside and shutting the door behind us.

I don’t know how long we stood there, me sobbing into his chest and him holding me, not saying a word as I did, but I know that I finally felt like someone actually gave a damn. “You can talk to me about whatever you need to.” Kyungsoo had said after I had calmed down a bit. I liked that about him. He never pressured me to talk to him or about what exactly what was bothering me. It had been this way since I was younger when one day I couldn’t take my mother’s screaming, so I ran outside to just get away. I ran right into Kyungsoo in the process and just like he did earlier, he simply let me cry into his arms, comforting me and not stopping until he was sure I was fine.

“I want to get away from her, but I have nowhere to go.” I finally mumbled, my voice barely audible.  Kyungsoo’s silence was my key to continue. He never spoke until he was sure I had expressed everything I needed to. “She never used to be like this ya’know. She used to be so cheerful and just full of life. Now she’s so cold and cruel. Everything is my fault since Dad left. Whether it’s him or a piece of trash on the floor, I can’t do anything right or good enough for her. She makes me feel so useless and worthless. After everytime she talks to me I feel so pathetic.” The oncoming sobs choked me up from saying anymore. Kyungsoo delicately stroked my head, untangling locks of my hair as he did so.

“I know it’s hard for you to ignore what she says, but you are far from worthless. She only blames you for your dad because she doesn’t want to realize that maybe she was the reason. You’re one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met. You’re selfless, caring, respectful, hard-working, and overall amazing.” Kyungsoo’s words brought tears to my eyes once again. I never saw myself that way. And my mother’s view was far from that. I just always did what I believed was right. I never second guessed myself, regardless of my mother’s harsh words, I sought out to make other people’s lives somewhat bearable despite my own not being the best. It never failed to make me happy, seeing other people smile because of me. Just the thought of it made my tears slow practically to a stop.

Kyungsoo wiped away the remaining tears. “So beautiful.” I heard him say, voice barely audible. His words made me feel warm inside, and I couldn’t stop the small blush that took way, starting at my cheekbones and going from there. I attempted to bury my face in my hands, so he wouldn’t see the redness spread on my cheeks. However, I realized I was too late as he grabbed my hands and pushed them back to my sides. “You’re too cute to be hiding your face.” I couldn’t help but blush harder at his statement, a small smile beginning to form on my lips. “There’s that dazzling smile I love to see.” I didn’t even know how to react to everything he was saying, my cheeks just got redder and redder and my face grew hotter and hotter until I felt like I was practically on fire. “Soo, you’re literally gonna make me explode, stop being so nice.” I mumbled, trying once again to bury myself in my hands to hide my ever-reddening face. He got quiet, the air surrounding us becoming thick from the silence. I really didn’t expect him to say anything as time passed. But after a few moments he responded. “Sorry, it’s hard not to compliment the girl I’ve fallen for.” My jaw dropped, and for a spilt second I couldn’t even breathe. Fallen for? He couldn’t be serious? That can’t mean what I think it means? I guess Kyungsoo could see the confusion on my face because he shifted away from me, removing his arms from their place around me and walked to the other side of the room. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, especially not… now.”

“What do you mean?” It wasn’t the brightest thing I could’ve said, but I wanted confirmation that what I was thinking was actually right. Now it was Kyungsoo’s turn to blush, but instead of burying his face in his hands like me, he kept eye contact with me. “I don’t t-think,” He began, “Now is the right time to talk about this.” My first instinct was to pout, he was such a softie it was bound to work. Being as pouty and cute always softened him up enough for me to get whatever I wanted. “Don’t d-do that to me.“ I may or may not have stuck my bottom lip out a bit farther. “Y-y/n…” His voice grew more faint as I continued pouting, eventually crossing my arms to add to the effect. “Kyungsoooooo, please just tell me.”

“I love you.” I should’ve been used to his bluntness, but right now I had never been more taken back. “As we grew up and got closer I couldn’t resist. I always caught myself thinking about you. Anytime you came to me about your mom and how horribly she was treating you, I found it was beginning to hit me so hard because I cared for you so much. Hearing all the awful things she said to you, made me absolutely sick to my stomach. One day I sat down and tried to figure out why it hurt me so bad, none of that was happening to me? But then it hit me, I liked you. My feelings for you only soared since then.”

“Soo…” I didn’t know what I was going to finish with, so I just cut myself off.

“I’ll go now.” He made his way to the door, but before he could exit through it I grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “But, I want you to stay.” The smile was on his lips was faint, but it still managed to warm my heart. “Please stay.” I cautiously laced our fingers together, sometimes contact like this made him uncomfortable, and considering how often he was there for me and made me feel like I was actually important, that was the last thing I wanted to do. But unlike I expected, he allowed our hands to slip together easily. “Thank you.” I said.

“What for?” He questioned.

“Always being there for me.”

He shook his head. “You don’t have to thank me for something I’ll always do.”

Masterlist

[uncrownedkings]

So...

ive been seeing a lot of rather cringy lgbt+-related rant videos and posts on tumblr. these kinds of thing has been going on for a while now. i think maybe its just totally inappropriate timing what with all the trump dilemma that made ppl become more triggered than usual, but its come to the point where i have to go out of my way to make both a rant and a psa out of this post.  or maybe ive been following the wrong ppl.

anyways, those cringy rant vids/posts. they are usually white teenage girls who go on and on about how someone called them “miss” when “excuse me????” *cough cough* “ACTUALLY, im genderfluid.” 

ok. howbout YOU excuse me. bc frankly, you look like a “miss”, so thats why i called you “miss”. i mean like i wont call you a bitch until you look like a female dog. OH MY!!!! im sorry!!! youre genderfluid. my bad. correction: a genderfluid dog. so yeah, dont you act all triggered just bc someone assumed your gender identity incorrectly. how could i tell when you have your boobs falling out of your shirt?? you dont exactly announce your gender to the world, do you??? its only fair that i would assume so. empathize with the ppl who arent exposed to the different lgbt spectrums. dont rant about it. TAKE ACTION and take the initiative to point out their mistake. youre genderfluid, fine with me. that is my mistake, sorry for being ignorant and not noticing. pls correct me. its simple as that. why dont you have the nerve to correct them when someone mistook your gender, but you have it in you to go to fucking tumblr to rant about it? the mistake isnt gonna fix itself when you do so. it only gets fixed when you point it out to the person who made that mistake. what is your purpose here???? are you trying to get sympathy or attention?? bc youre not getting any from me. i dont care and im sick of it. if you want someone who does, go tell your mother. 

yall lgbt ppl assumed this “dont assume” policy for yourselves. im willing to follow, but there will ofc be ppl out there who are not aware. dont blame them. from the moment any child is born, they are subjected to this hetero-normative view of how a person is identified as.  they are programmed from a young age that there is an order in which a person follows. if youre not female, youre male. there seems to be no other option. being lgbt creates the opportunity to be someone else. not all ppl are exposed to this. those who do take advantage of it. 

im part of the lgbt community myself (as i am bi), but im embarrassed for what some of you have done to demean the value of the lgbt community. its like how ppl seem to always be hating on feminists all over again, bc of some ppl taking it too far and dont fully understand what it means. just bc you dont conform to the norms of society when it comes to sexual orientation doesnt mean you get any special favour. my friends, even the gay ones, have been joking around about how “omg youre cant do _____ just bc im gay like thats not ok.” but i find the truth in what they joke around about. ppl from the lgbt seem to always be finding excuses to be offended when someone comments on their sexuality. 

take it from my experiences. i live near two schools, so there are lots of kids in my neighborhood. the school im going to is a very multicultural public school that has a lot of brown and asian kids (my squad), and the other school is a prestigious private school specializing in art that is predominantly white. both schools are very close, so we know the ins and outs of each other. admittedly, i have lots of friends from both of the schools: lgbt friends, non-lgbt friends, and friends who jokes/pretend that they are lgbt. my point is: i know this kid from the private school. there was a rumour that he is gay. i confronted to him and bluntly asked him if he is actually gay. he started yelling at me defensively, saying “do you have a problem??? you cant just hate me bc im gay.” I DID NOT DO ANYTHING. i didnt speak to him again. on the other hand, theres this muslim trangendered boy in my school. hes quite famous due to his gender identity. when i met him for the first time, i asked him if he is transgender. he was cool about it and just simply said “yeah. im pretty famous in this school arent i?” he didnt get offended. he didnt act defensively. we were off with a very good start. since our school are more multicultural than the private school, a lot of us coming from eastern countries. eastern countries are more conservative and they dont take kindly to “different” ppl. he worked hard to be who he wants to be, and he is confident with himself and his gender. 

not totally unrelated to this, but im a friend of a girl who goes to the private school. nice kid, very cute, great at dance. she usually dresses in pretty dresses and skirts. but one day, she came in with jeans, sweater, and short boyish hair. everyone was surprised. then she told everyone she is genderfluid. there were a lot of genderfluid ppl in the private school, not so much in my school. when i asked her how she knew, she said why not??

it seems like there is a trend on being lgbt+, especially in this demographic (white, female, teen). as soon as its openly accepted, ppl will conform to become a part of this new thing. even after joining tumblr and seeing all these new lgbt+ categories makes me question myself. i tried to fit myself into this label, and i feel that this is what is happening. before it is accepted in western countries, the idea was very hush hush. now that everyone is beginning to accept it, suddenly everyone is lgbt. not like “oh im closeted bc lgbt is not accepted and now im out bc its accepted.” no, its like “oh this lgbt thing is pretty new! lets see which category i THINK i fit in the best and squeeze myself into this label.” im sorry, if youre an actual lgbt veteran and you have been fighting all your life for acceptance and equal rights. but there are ppl who are trying to conform to this lgbt+ “thing” bc it seems like everyone is out as well. there are even some ppl who would go out of there way to make a point that they ARE indeed lgbt+. you cant just wake up one morning and decide that youre suddenly asexual, or pansexual (when you havent even had a sexual relationship) or genderfluid. its not fair to those who have worked so hard. but then again, im in no position to tell you who you are. you are the controller of your life. but dont act all defensive and go crying to your followers just bc someone makes a comment on your sexuality/gender but  youre not confident/sure enough about it to forget and forgive. if this is truly who you are, then TAKE ACTION. you dont need to prove to me that you are lgbt, just simply embrace it by expressing it. BELIEVE IN WHO YOU ARE. and dont be ashamed. you cant stop someone from assuming when you yourself dont accept that fact. who cares what others think.

ok so. after all that longass rant with the telling of my whole fucking life story, half-assed motivational quotes, and some rather rude use of language, the moral of the story is: i dont have a problem with your gender identification or sexual orientation, im actually fine with it. but i do have a problem with people using that as an excuse to act all disgusted and horrified and lash out on social media when someone may or may not have intentionally “offended” them. if its actually offensive, fine, you are free to make a point about it and shove it up their asses. but when someone asks you if youre gay, you DONT FUCKING GIVE THEM YOUR ATTITUDE. saying yes is enough. its up to their discretion to either shrug and move on (which i would do bc i dont care about your sexuality) or they can punch you in the face like a fucking trump supporter that they are. it is only when they punch you that you fight back. DONT FIGHT WHEN THERE IS NO REASON TO FIGHT AT ALL. 

i know that there will be ppl who would be displeased with me. nvm, i dont think there would be that much ppl reading it in the first place. oh well. just trying to make a point. im not sorry that i made this post on this particular topic, but im sorry for the incredibly coarse/rude language. i have said offensive things that is borne from my frustration. if there are ppl out there who sees mistruths or ignorance in my post, you are welcome to enlighten me. my views arent rigid and im not exactly knowledgeable in this topic, so i am willing to change them if your point is valid.  but ill only be accepting replies with point, proof, and analysis. also, you are welcome to block/unfollow me as well, but tbh, i wont be posting these kinds of thing again anytime soon. ill just be back to the cute, unassuming anime blog that silently supports the lgbt+ community and strongly opposes trump. thank you for your time, and have a nice day.

[moidse]

Hey so-- I just need to continue typing out my thoughts, I know I said I want time to sit on things but talking through it does help me and I know these thoughts are going to continuously be cycling through my head all day-- This email isn’t me breaking up but sharing thoughts and feelings that are too hard for me to verbally say-- I still would like to receive you’re email response to my lovey one, I think I deserve to hear a response-- 

Okay, So like, When you said you thought about applying to UCLA that was cute-- but it would be much cuter if you told me you put that thought into action and actually did it-- it’s like, you seem to think in your head over and over again that you love me and think im cute etc. but how much do you actually verbalize this-- The thoughts are sweet and nice, but I need actual actions happening. Like-- it would be way less of a gesture if I said I thought about telling my mom about you and how important you are to me, It was a cute thought I had and decided not to act on-- it’s like, what good is this thought if you don’t care enough to act on it?? It’s practically meaningless honestly.. 

It just often feels like throughout this whole relationship I’ve been the one starting all of the hard conversations and you just get to sit back-- it’s emotionally exhausting to know that a conversation about my wants and needs and boundaries will only happen if I speak up because you do not care to ask me and check in and see if you are hurting me-- I feel like I’ve been trying to communicate this idea ever since you last minute told me the day b4 that party that someone you make out with is going to be there, you didn’t tell me anymore information and you wrote the message as if it was someone else you were seeing-- that sent me, that was the first time you deeply hurt me and showed that you are just doing what you want and do not care to ask me what type of relationship I desire and what my boundaries are, while i was being hyper cautious of your boundaries since i first met you-- it just deeply hurt and I didn’t have the full words to express at the time-- then this pattern continued when we had just officially started dating and you told me you were going on a date with ori and at no point asked me my boundaries or what type of relationship im looking for-- which to me this was you communicating and saying I do not care about your boundaries, consent, or comfort-- i am doing what i want and if you do not like it you can leave--- which is how everyone has treated me-- I just cannot keep living this cycle of white people not respecting my boundaries and using non-monogamy to center themselves-- I cannot keep doing this to myself-- I feel like I’d been trying to tell you for a while that I feel this way and I understand I had to process the abuse from my last partners to understand I’m so hurt because this is triggering me and I feel you are just like all the other people from the past who have zero care for my boundaries and it just deeply has hurt me for about as long as we have been officially been dating-- I dated you officially for 1 week before you just told me you were going on a date with ori then shared photos of it as well and never asked me if I was okay with any of it or what my boundaries are-- I’m not trying to be rude to you but I honestly feel like you bit off more than you could chew-- in that, you were just starting to learn how to communicate with just me then you brought someone else in before we even had solid communication and trust built and you didn’t even think to ask me-- it’s like, I do not think you have the best communication to be maneuvering these spaces right now, not that you can’t learn and grow but this just seems like a very obvious oversight to me, everyone’s idea of non-monogamy is not the same and the only reason you wouldn’t ask me what my feelings are is because you do not care if you are crossing my boundaries, otherwise you would feel a need to ask and check in because you NEED to know you are not crossing my boundaries and hurting me, but you just in no way felt a need to make sure you weren’t hurting me which has only caused me months of anxiety and pain-- I’ve never had the words to express it until now-- I felt the cycle of white ppl not caring about my boundaries and using non-monogamy to center their self and their own wants and needs was repeating and the only reason I didn’t immediately speak up was because I was sure it would mean I would lose you and I didn’t want you to break up with me so I stayed silent-- I stayed silent and dealt with these anxious triggered thoughts every single week until I couldn’t take it anymore and I sent you an email confessing that I never wanted any of this-- From then on I feel like I continuously have been putting up with this because I do not want to lose you, basically throughout our entire relationship I’ve been dealing with this extra stress and exhaustion no one else is carrying all because you never asked me or cared to ask me what i’m looking for and what my boundaries are with non-monogamy--I’ve been saying to myself over and over again for months why am I doing this to myself?? why am I enduring this pain just so you can explore this other relationship? I need to end this cycle and heal from this shit-- I’m tired of putting the other person before my own comfort-- I’m tired of being okay with my boundaries being crossed if that means the other person is happy-- That’s not fair to me and I’m done repeating this unhealthy cycle. 

You keep saying, I care about your boundaries now, how can I respect your boundaries now-- it’s honestly too little too late, I’ve been enduring this anxiety and pain for so many months, I’ve carried this fear that you will just stay silent if you are hurting me or have information you are holding that may hurt me (like last minute telling me you have a makeout friend coming to the party)-- It’s just like, trust has been broken and only time will help it be rebuilt-- You keep asking how can you respect my boundaries now and I’ve been telling you for a while, I never wanted a relationship dynamic like this and I wish you would’ve asked me about it instead of just told me this is going on now, it felt like I had no say in anything, but I wish I had more time to build trust with you first before exploring non-monogamy-- You know how you can respect my boundaries, it’s just something outside of your comfort zone which is fine and understand-- You know you could respect my boundaries by listening to what i’ve been saying this entire time, I do not want to be in a relationship like this, I do not want to be with you while you are seeing other people, that has been my boundary since we met but you never cared to ask-- I understand that you do not want to end your relationship with ori, and that’s fine, but I need to end this repeating cycle for myself, which is why I see the only realistic choice for myself is to step away-- I need to heal from these traumas and how am i supposed to do that while remaining in a relationship that is just repeating this trauma and pain? I’ve been forcing myself to endure these constant anxious thoughts for months now and that was ALREADY too much, I’ve ALREADY put myself through way too much just because I was afraid to lose you and I wanted to make you happy-- I need to center myself and take care of myself and my own happiness-- I do not want to be with you while you are seeing other people-- I need to heal from all of this-- I love you so much and you are very important to me-- I truly do not want this to be the end of us-- But I just know I can’t keep putting myself through this and I need to heal from these painful cycles I just keep repeating--

Also-- on a side note tangent-- it kinda made me feel weird about how you were talking about me in reference to v having a crush on me--- when you said you were glad he slept with saoirse and not your crush-- that made me feel weird and like I was an object yall were fighting over--- I think yall have had a history of unhealthy boundaries when it comes to fighting over crushes like they are a prize and an object rather than a person--- you have told me how v has tried to hit on your crushes and you have told me in the past that you do not care, then you told me you were glad i didn’t sleep with v, it’s like what are your own boundaries kaiya?? do you even know your own boundaries? because honestly when you told me that v has a history of trying to steal your crushes i was surprised b/c that is just very unhealthy and you are allowed to say this crosses a boundary and please do not do this,, that whole thing is hella toxic,, and i could feel v hitting on me felt weird and not even genuine-- it felt like he just wanted to fuck me to say haha kaiya i fucked someone you like--- which is why ignored it and pretended it wasn’t happening because it felt very unhealthy-- I hate the idea that i’m some prize yall fight over, that’s gross and demeaning--  

[grubhivemind]

JACE: -his trip has been a lot less eventful than he thought it would he. which is good! so far no imps or anything like he read about. the temple leading into the volcano is empty of any life, which means he can focus on documenting EVERYTHING etched on the temple walls. he's taking a ton of pictures, like shiloh showed him. it's relaxing.-

HEWLETT: -And little to Jace's knowledge, he hasn't been terribly alone. Between the calculated possibility of trouble and his own curiosities -- both for the area and for Jace -- a certain android has followed him to the temple, distant up to now. For a while he simply watches, before stepping into the corridor alongside Jace with a soft greeting whirr of machinery.-

JACE: -currently kneeled down taking pictures, but when he stands up he suddenly as a face full of robot boy and jumps STRAIGHT INTO THE AIR.-

HEWLETT: ...Oh. 

HEWLETT: You didn't hear my greeting whirr, -he observes.-

JACE: -lands on his ass with a wheeze.- I DIDNT!!! 

JACE: I wasnt-- Paying attention... -sighs and starts getting up.- I thought I was alone. 

JACE: I definitely wasnt expecting to see anybody I know. Here. Of all places...

HEWLETT: I followed you on your voyage. 

HEWLETT: It has been an interesting area to catalogue for my imaging database. -turns head and scans the wall with visor eyes, lights flickering.-

JACE: Oh... That makes sense I guess. 

JACE: Its definitely interesting to me! -his heart is still racing but he resumes taking pictures. there's lots of glyphs of what appears to be different stars and planets on this particular wall.-

HEWLETT: -There's more soft whirring, a gentle glow.- Have you been analyzing the multiuniversal depictions here?

JACE: -nods- Yeah. Im not sure what all of these mean exactly but I can wager some guesses. 

JACE: A lot of them look like planets where other denizens are supposed to live. But... Some I dont recognize. I definitely dont know the significance of any of the stars...

HEWLETT: -EYE ZOOMS on the stars. :eyes:- I'll run them through my system. HEWLETT: Have you met a denizen here?HEWLETT: -turns suddenly and zooms in on Jace's silhouette, instead-

JACE: ! 

JACE: Me?? ... Yes, of course me. 

JACE: I havent yet but... Theres supposed to be one deeper in the volcano.

HEWLETT: Yes. 

HEWLETT: It may be hot for your organic body. 

HEWLETT: If you plan on venturing further, I could reform myself to fit you inside my body.

JACE: .......... 

JACE: Oh. 

JACE: Like a heat resistant suit! 

JACE: -no, no. it's still weird. but he's going to ignore that.- I think Ill be okay...

HEWLETT: My latest body has the highest heat resistant alloys. 

HEWLETT: -softly flickering gaze once again- Your heart rate accelerated.

JACE: Huh? Did it???? -it's hard to play dumb with a robot but dammit that's all he has in situations like this.-

HEWLETT: Yes. And your moisture output has also slightly increased. 

HEWLETT: Are you thirsty, Jace?

JACE: -GAZES DEEPLY INTO THE CAMERA. the camera he's holding.- 

JACE: Kinda!!! Now that you mention it. -busts out his water bottle to schlorp it.-

HEWLETT: Hmm. 

HEWLETT: Interesting.

HEWLETT: -quiet robot titty flex. Maybe he's adjusting his panels.- 

HEWLETT: I have high definition visuals of the area. Feel free to continue.

JACE: -how could this happen to me...- 

JACE: Okay. I guess Im done in here anyway. -packs up some of his stuff and starts to proceed forward into the next room.-

HEWLETT: -Just watches him go for a few moments before quietly following after -- then belatedly adjusting his steps so Jace would know he's there. It's a social thing to do, right? Not scare him? Yeah.-

JACE: -it's almost impossible NOT to scare this skittish boy. he moves onto the next hallway, pausing to take more pictures, but having the presence of another is a little distracting...- 

JACE: -glances over at him again.- Umm. So... You followed me? 

JACE: You could have told me you wanted to join me...

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: I didn't consider it a necessary step.

HEWLETT: Was it a necessary step?

JACE: Uhhhhh... 

JACE: Noooo. 

JACE: ... Okay, yes. 

JACE: I like having a heads up at least...

HEWLETT: ... Making a note. 

HEWLETT: I'd like to express a desire to make you comfortable, Jace.

JACE: -sweats some more.- Thank you?? I mean... 

JACE: I appreciate that! Really.

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: Is this true?

HEWLETT: -press O to doubt-

JACE: Yes... Im just being awkward about it, I guess. 

JACE: I really wasnt prepared for someone else to be here! ... I already said that, didnt I? Eugh. 

JACE: Its okay, though... I probably shouldnt have come alone anyway. 

JACE: I just... Um. 

JACE: Wanted some time alone to think. About stuff.

HEWLETT: ... I'm sorry, Jace. 

HEWLETT: I am also being awkward. I think that's the right word. 

HEWLETT: And I think that is probably natural for humans and artificial intelligences alike. 

HEWLETT: I can return to following you in silence, if you prefer. -Super chill about it, his panels start shifting around to begin morphing him into a different shape.-

JACE: -WHAT SHAPE- Oh, you dont have to do that... -blinks- Whatever youre doing. But also being quiet. 

JACE: Dont feel bad... If you feel bad??

HEWLETT: -HES DOING IT. And now he's in the shape of... some sort of big cat.- 

HEWLETT: I won't, then. 

HEWLETT: I could also give you a ride. 

HEWLETT: Or offer myself for your contemplation.

HEWLETT: Meow.

JACE: -why is life so strange??- I think Ill pass on the ride for now. 

JACE: Um... I guess it might be nice to just talk about stuff, though... 

JACE: -shuffles his feet.- Ive just been in some... Confusing situations lately? Its silly... 

JACE: Okay I guess theyre not ENTIRELY silly... Not all of it.

HEWLETT: -He's silent for a few moments before the panels shift again, and he's uncatted, standing there like before with an attentive visor.- 

HEWLETT: Please continue.

JACE: Well... Its all boy problems! So... thats dumb. I never really had them before... Cuz I avoided it, I guess. I was too afraid to try to pursue anything. 

JACE: Umm. I kinda... Had this crush on my brothers best friend. And he didnt feel the same... But... Well!!! Things still happened. 

JACE: Ugh... -drags hand down his face. he can't believe he's talking about this. he only really told kavi.-

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: I don't follow. 

HEWLETT: Was there a misunderstanding?

JACE: -deepest sigh of all.- No... One thing led to another and I kind of... Asked if we could...??? Aaaaah. 

JACE: This is too much information, Im sorry. -scampers ahead, embarrassed.-

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: -FOLLOWS.- 

HEWLETT: I don't mind information. You can keep going.

JACE: Its just!! Its dumb... 

JACE: I stayed the night... And that was that. I havent really talked to him since. 

JACE: I shouldnt have done it... At first I felt okay about it, because I had fun, even when I knew it wasnt going anywhere. But now Im just sad. 

JACE: -sighs- Especially because... Ive been talking to somebody else I really like but... Then I found out he hurt another friend of mine... I dont know what Im supposed to do. 

JACE: I just want to get away from all that. It shouldnt matter... Im better off being on my own like this. Exploring ruins. Doing research. Its way less complicated.

HEWLETT: ...Social interaction is complicated. 

HEWLETT: But this is also why it's rewarding. It is a sense of fulfillment that you desire organically. 

HEWLETT: I've been programmed with some similar internal reward systems. However, I can choose to ignore them as well. 

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: Being alive is an intricate series of these choices. I don't think one decision is better than another, if it's your decision. 

HEWLETT: But I am just an artificial intelligence. Perhaps my conclusions on this subject are inherently flawed.

JACE: -stares down at his shuffling feet.- I guess I wouldnt know any better than you... So... Thats a pretty valid thing to say, I would think. 

JACE: -wipes at his eyes- Im just lonely. 

JACE: But that feels silly too... Because being around people is kind of terrifying???

HEWLETT: ... I think I understand. 

HEWLETT: Stress and failure are difficult. 

HEWLETT: I think it is possible that most people understand this, and feel it to different degrees. 

HEWLETT: Loneliness, too. 

HEWLETT: ... 

HEWLETT: It's natural to feel these things. I hope this eases your mind somewhat.

HEWLETT: Beep beep.

JACE: ... Heheh. -giggles about the beeping.- 

JACE: Yeah... That helps a little. 

JACE: Thank you.

HEWLETT: -There's a lot of colorful flashing going on behind his visor at that, though he doesn't seem to move or react much other than that.- 

HEWLETT: You're welcome, Jace.

HEWLETT: -then,- I'm registering an acceleration in temperature to the northeast of this area.

JACE: -he isn't sure what to make of the stoic flashes of color, but it's easy enough to direct his attention northeast.- 

JACE: I guess thats the direction we should go in. Echidna is supposed to be inside the volcano, after all... 

JACE: Im probably jinxing it by saying so, but I expected to find some monsters or something in this temple. Its been really quiet so far.

HEWLETT: -The colors cease flashing and settle on a soft pulse again, his mechanical head turning to face down the hallway.- I can't tell yet if there is other life. The heat is encompassing much of my detective sensoring.

HEWLETT: -starts heading that direction nonetheless-

JACE: -does the same, taking the lead. but naturally, this is the part, like in all good adventures, where jace missteps. his foot sinks into an unassuming divot in the stone floor, triggering some kind of trap... but not before jace falls right on his face. DOOF.- 

JACE: Ugh... -lifts his head, embarrassed all over again, but he's quickly distracted by the sound of pitter pattering feet as the halls suddenly echo with life. he's quick enough to spring to his feet, swords withdrawn.- 

JACE: Umm. I guess I spoke too soon... Thats typical. 

JACE: -a second later, small inky black imps are flooding from holes where the walls meet the ceiling and surrounding the pair of them.-

HEWLETT: -He takes the half second to consider whether it would be better to catch Jace or prepare for the impending trap, and settles on the latter; he's quickly analyzing the numbers of their new enemies, scanning their properties and weaknesses.- 

HEWLETT: By my calculations, this seems like a first wave. We shouldn't have too much trouble with them. -And he punctuates the end of his sentence with a quick transformation of his forearm into a sort of knife-shaped gun chute, which lobs out none other than a fucking knife like a bullet.-