moidse

[moidse]

Ugh

I had a dream last night where I ran into my first ex. At first I was trying to avoid them including eye contact, but then the dream switched up and became more like a shooting video game but before that part really set in I was running around a building and ran into them in a room and it was just us. I was like emotionally dumping on them and crying at one point I think. I was just talking through my feelings of just how I feel so bad about myself and just idk like I’m a shell of the person I used to be. I was saying I had more things together when I first met them… and by this I feel like I meant it felt like the world was my oyster with opportunity and I had a lot of friends and community and now I guess I feel depressed even though I am still rather young and there is still opportunity but idk I also feel depressed in that I have no friends now and I had it so much. I cut off everyone from Dayton when I moved here thinking it would make me happy when it ended up making me feel depressed. I assumed I’d make friends here and wouldn’t miss them but I’ve made like no friends here and am starting to wish I at least had long distance phone friends I can talk to. The amount of happiness I feel when I get to talk to a friend on the phone is very uplifting and refreshing. It can change my whole day and just brighten it. And then it also makes me feel kind of sad in that I only get to feel this specific friend joy about once or twice a year now and I feel like I’ve been stuck in a rut of unhappiness with my relationships and idk how to get out of it… but I think the only way out of it is changing my behavior but idk how it’s complicated.

Another thing I talked to them about was I was saying we are so old now… which I mean I can’t really do anything about. Lol. I think I just especially feel old now that I’m getting close to 30 and we live with people who are all several years younger than us so we are surrounded by younger ppl. Like in our old house I never felt this way cuz I was one of the youngest. I mean Kaiya was saying it too when we were first getting roommates they were like omg so I’m the oldest and I didn’t care but now I’m like oh yeah this is something lol.

I just know that I’m tired of feeling stuck but I also struggle with having time and capacity to work on these goals when I’m in survival mode and working to pay to be alive. It feels like I have such limited time to try to do anything else but I have to try and not give up.

I feel like I need to talk about my feelings but I’m scared— I hate feeling this way. I’ve been feeling like this for a while and it’s like the same feeling I felt when I was closeted in high school. It’s this stress I carry day to day in my stomach and I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about so I just reflect to myself and maybe reflect in my dreams.

I feel stuck in my relationship. They are my best friend and I don’t want to lose them but I also do not like how codependent we have become since moving in together and idk how to get out of that because we don’t have money to get a separate car and I don’t have the money to get a separate bed… or maybe I do from buy nothing but I would have to seriously rethink my room set up. I just don’t think I can be happy with only being with them for the rest of my life. I miss dating other people. I miss having sex with other people. I miss feeling butterfly’s.

But I’m scared of having this conversation and losing my best friend. I moved out to a city where the only person I know is them. Which unfortunately made it more difficult to have difficult conversations because I am dependent on them. When we first moved here I was fully financially dependent on them. Now I have my own income but I am dependent on them as my only friend I talk to and my only connection to other friends and if I push them away I will be truly completely isolated in a city where I have no one who cares for me which is a scary and depressing thought. The idea of moving to another place sounds really scary too and very stressful.

I love and care about them and want to take care of them but I also want to have my own space and my own friends and feel like I have my own life separate from theirs.

[moidse]

So I had my first intake therapy appointment, first time trying to go to therapy since like 2019, not counting going for top surgery. But I was very nervous the whole time and feel nervous after and it sucks.

I mean I don’t recall being asked so many intake questions which was stressful cuz I don’t want this person judging me. Idk just the thought of opening up and talking about some of the issues I’m interested in talking about stresses me out. I don’t want to feel judged. I guess my therapist saying they do a lot with religion and spirituality did trigger me a little bit. I have a lot of religious trauma and trust issues with people who are very religious. So, I’m curious what they mean by they are very religious/spiritual and also what are their experiences if they have any, working with queer/trans folks.

I guess I just left the appointment feeling like there is no way I can imagine opening up to this girl about the intimate trans sexual thoughts I really feel like I need to process … like obviously opening up about that shit is hard to do with anyone because it’s so personal and intimate… but like even if I was vague with my terms and didn’t fully open up I was just like idk if she would get it… that’s how I felt at the end. I think it’s fair to ask these questions next time and just be honest that I might want to ask if there are folks with queer and trans experience and I’m sorry for realizing this now and wasting her time.

Because something I do want to talk about and try to process is my gender and all of the heavy thoughts and feelings around that and my family and relationship and how the world sees me and just everything. I just feel scared about it and from today I didn’t feel safe. But I get it was intake stuff which also sucks to have to sit and go down a list of every element of your life and saying do you have mental illness about this issue or this one. It is depressing in general to have to do that..

I remember I felt bad after my first therapy intake appointment too, but that was a bit more extreme cuz that lady was very bad from the beginning and I didn’t know cuz it was my first time with a therapist. Her having someone watch on day 1 was crazy and inappropriate. Also her pushing back when I was saying my first relationship was really bad and she was like how? And kept asking how and what did they specifically do and I was struggling to answer and I said they were just really mean and she was dismissive and it’s like lady this is my first appointment!! I don’t feel comfortable enough with you yet to just immediately open up about something traumatic that I would like to talk through and process eventually. Not to mention that was supposed to be an lgbt counseling center and she said a lot of inappropriate comments. I guess I should emotionally prepare the sessions to be like this until I pick a therapist and am fully done with the intake part.

[moidse]

2/1/24

Fuck. I had another dream last night where someone super cute is hitting on me. What was wild was in this dream that hot person... it was like i was in school it felt like high school and i noticed this hot person and like later in the dream im around them again and they are just very forward and tell me they have a crush on me and i say something back like, omg i've been trying to ignored how hot you are in my head... something like that and then i immediately say, oh for transparency, I am in a monogamous relationship. And i dont rememeber what the person said but they were like a lil disappointed. But i was soooo into them in the dream i woke up from my alarm to check slack and was so annoyed that i woke up right after that and i stayed in bed til 1pm cuz of it.

Like jeezuz, whenever i have these dreams it messes me up for at least a full day... its like similar to if i see someone super hot ikr that fucks with my head. but what was crazy about this dream, cuz lets be real i have been having more and more dreams like this over the past few years... dreams where someone super cute hits on me or im vibing with someone super cute and its like i have a dream girlfriend or new crush thats into me and im so excited and happy and feeling all these feelings and then i wake up and feel sad that i dont feel those feelings anymore. I feel sad that its been so long since ive felt those feelings. I clearly deeply miss feeling the excitement and rush and whorlwind of emotion that is having a crush like you back. I miss feeling sooo deeply sexually attracted to someone that the sex just regularly makes me cry. I miss feeling that passion and anytime i'm reminded of the fact that that feeling has been missing in my life my mind starts to spiral.

What am I to do with these feelings? I feel like my options are bringing this up and having them panic but being transparent. I don't really know what next steps of that convo would be except just like hey im definitely have been less and less into this over the years and idk at what point i should stop and admit to myself that i really wish i could be hitting on other people. God its so sad how fucking sad i get when i get super turned on my someone because i know i dont feel that in my own relationship and its depressing.

Like, i get that relationships fizzle out over time but ours like immediately did for me. It hurts to think about but its true that its been so many years, fucking going on 5 years since ive had amazing sex, made someone cum, felt super hot and good about myself and my sex life... like its crazy. But its just like our lives are so interwined at this point its just scary to think of how we can live apart. I do really like them and care about them which is also what makes it hard. its not like we don't do well together caring after each other... its just like can i really also carry this deep sadness? How many more years am I going to be carrying this sadness and feel so disconnected with myself.

I feel like i lost my sense of self. I am my relationship. I miss when i was my own self. I feel like i worry about every little thing in social senerios because im not that happy in my life and i dont want ppl to know that. So i just dont go out and dont open up to ppl. Cuz i dont want them to know how i feel disconnected and not into anything.

I was thinking .. what if i open up and say hey i had this dream last night and its really been weighing on me. I've been having dreams like this more and more and i know i tried to tell you this before and you brushed it off, but to me its clear that im having these dreams because i wish i could be flirting and dating other people. Which like, idk how you feel, are you interested in flirting/dating other people at all? Do you ever miss that? Because i do. Like, everything mostly works in our relationship but i always feel like i want to be dating other people. It's hard because i feel conflicted because we do work so well together. I'm like is that enough for me? Is it stupid to throw away a relationship that is very meaningful and having to spedn months uprooting my life so that i can eventually start sleeping with other ppl again.. ... ... damn just thinking about being able to sleep with other ppl seems soooo nice :( ... i miss it. ... and like i know i'll be salty when im rejected a million times and have bad experiences but when you get a good one its so good. and im annoyed ive never gotten to cruise here or go on dates. like im in big city and ppl think im hotter here and FOR WHAT?! i dont even get to taste the local cuisine.

[moidse]

Omg fuck me cuz I have such a crush on my partners bestie it’s insane. And what makes it so funny is I didn’t know I had these feelings— well that’s a lie I would say it got to the point that I couldn’t ignore these feeling when we were on vacay last summer in Yosemite and we were climbing the rope thing and we both got close to each other and they had their newer short haircut and I got mad butterflies being so close to them and I was like ahhhh like I couldn’t deny it anymore like I had been I was like ok I’m I have a crush… then when they were at our house and it’s so funny cuz it was me restarting my period after a year and a half and I was so horny when they came over to watch movies and we watched the 13 year old musical I was obsessed and couldn’t stop thinking about topping them then I got my period and was like omg I was just horny but like I feel so awk cuz I know I am shy cuz I like them and they just called me out about being shy and don’t know that’s my tell for finding someone hot like fuck good thing they are asexual and so ignorant cuz it would probably be obvious like I am shy cuz I think you are hot and I feel so awk

[moidse]

I feel so ugh.. like I feel like I want a gf. Like I want someone with a skinny waste and tits and just someone that when I walk by them ppl know what’s up and they know I’m the dude and their the girl and I want that so bad. I want that sexually so bad and idk if me like depriving myself of my sexual desires is like bad for me to the extent that I should end things… it’s honestly too hard because our lives are soooo inter-connected. Like if we were both independent from each other it would be easier

I just want a gf. I want a partner who is a twink ass titty bitch like I need it also who can cum. Like whatever I shouldn’t feel bad for like asking for what I want like it is what it is.

[moidse]

I fucking hate myself— I just had a spat with l******* after being spontaneously told we had to watch drag race with him when that wasn’t the original plan… I was immediacy annoyed cuz I don’t like watching my favorite show with all these str8 ppl who don’t know the lore of the show at all like I’m sorry but I don’t. And idk I

It’s just that I’ve never respected him ever since he went off on us at our party for meli. I think that was super inappriate for both him and meli. It’s like you don’t live with us and know the whole story and are yelling at us when if meli feels something why can’t she be a grown up and say something?? Also not to mention why are you yelling at us about not wanting to tell David we don’t like him meanwhile meli is sending them a homemade scrapbook of memories for their wedding gift like why are you yelling at us when meli still wants to be friends and is lying to us. Cuz that’s what happened they were lying to us and I don’t like them.

I don’t like any of them to be honest. Like whatever I don’t give a fuck anymore if I have to be alone for a while that’s fine I think I will grow from this but I am tired of this and I have no friends and I don’t want this life anymore period. I just need to move out and I will need my car and I know Kaiya hates that but that’s why I felt like I could never leave this relationship was cuz I don’t have a car so I just feel like we’ll that’s how I felt. Like I’m down to stay until they get settleend but I think k need to leave for real like o don’t care anymore like why am I so mad and also my partner is too stupid to even listen and agree with me like they didn’t even listen and have anything to say and I also said I don’t wanna do this to begin with like I am so tired of hanging out with people I don’t want to and also just having no friends and community of my own like wtf is my life right now I have had a close friend to text in sooo long like I am tired and I am done I want to move on so much right now like I don’t care I am tired I wish I could start this convo without a flood of tears and shit. It’s too much like chill we aren’t perf for each other I feel like that’s clear. I don’t wanna marry you cuz I know I will wanna divorce lol.

It makes me not even wanna move down there.

[moidse]

Ugh I feel so depressed. I just don’t feel like we are good together,, well that’s not true. I do think we have pretty good communication and like support for each other mostly.. I mean compared to my other relationships this is easily the most stable and caring and supportive which is why I’m still in it—- but the attraction isn’t there and hasn’t been since that said they don’t fuck. And I honestly think because I’m the only person they’ve been with and they haven’t been with other ppl they truly don’t know how dysfunctional our sex life is. They don’t know that they shouldn’t be tolerating me having little interest in fucking them. They deserve to be with someone who can’t resist touching them and who never puts doubt in their mind about whether or not they find them hot. Like I’m realizing because I’m the only person they’ve been with they can’t see these things like how I didn’t understand in my first relationship why they thought the sex was bad and now I get it. I wasn’t enthusiastic to fuck them either cuz I thought they were mid and they fucked a lot of ppl though and they were mad because they know there are ppl who wanna fuck them bad and i wasn’t one of them. But I had never been with anyone and thought the amount I liked them and wanted to be with them was enough but it wasn’t. I just really wanted to be in a relationship so bad and that is still true today.

I just been thinking about lately how like I am not over my ex— it’s kinda crazy how long it took me to admit that to myself. Like I do think about them on nearly a daily basis. I’ve almost reached out to them on several occasions but has resisted the urge because I feel like it’s 100% cheating to do that and I don’t cheat. Like I don’t even wanna be with them again cuz they were super unstable and would get mad at me over nothing every other day and it was ruining my life but that sex tho. I just wanna be in their hoe-tation. I wanna have phone sex with them.. maybe video sex.. cuz god even the phone sex with them was soooooooo good fuck. Being with them made me feel sooo hot it rly did wonders for my confidence at the time. But anyways I keep thinking about how I jumped into this relationship with K***** because I didn’t wanna take an L with my ex and with my ex best friends. Im realizing it wasn’t just about my ex by also my ex bestie too. Like that’s why I stayed after they said they were ace ,, because they always said im a fuckboi and I could hear her voice in my head mocking me and I wanted to prove that I wasn’t by continuing to be with someone who isn’t into fucking. I was using them to boost my ego and not be alone after ditching my ex and cutting them off with no communication abruptly ,, I wanted to be like bye and I have someone better.. and like I remember when they told me they were ace I was just so upset I’d spent months talking and building this person up in my head just to find out they are not what I am looking for I was so mad they didn’t tell me sooner. It just sucks because honestly having someone to chase and be with is better in my head then being alone and depressed and feeling ugly worthless and gay.. lol… but for real that’s why I always stay too is cuz I don’t wanna be single sooo bad that I’ll be in a mid relationship with mid sex.. but I just don’t want it. And now our lives are too inseparable. We share a car my mom bought. Like I would need to get a new car and move out and I would need a good amount of money to do it. So maybe this year I can build my savings and try. Or ask my mom for more money for a car to help. It sucks cuz yes I like hanging with them and stuff but I just wish we were best friends and not in a romantic/sexual relationship. I just don’t want this and I haven’t like the whole time. I just want to be having sex with someone that im deeply attracted to. Like we have zero sexual tension. I wanna make my partner cum. I haven’t made anyone cum in 3 years..

[moidse]

I fucking forget how to do read more but fuck it.

Ponderosa

Okay so, fuck this dream got me so fucked up. It’s crazy cuz earlier in the night I had a dream where a girl liked me and it was a short moment but I really liked it and she was okay and I remember half waking up like ugh I liked that dream/moment. Then boom I have an even better one like thanks Brain but also like it’s so sad how once I’m waking up and realizing she was only just a dream how my Brain is like NoOooOoOo!! Ugh and then I feel annoyed to have to wake up next to Kaiya when I’m my dream I’m hanging out with someone else and I’m having all this sexual tension and ughh.

I just keep thinking to myself how I miss having crushes, I miss flirting, I miss asking someone new on dates, I kiss the rush of dating someone new, I miss the sexual tension which is something that never happened in this relationship ugh… idk that dream was so vivid and real feeling I was gagged when I realized I was waking up and it wasn’t real.

I was at a Halloween party with her and some other queer ppl. She was this pretty girl with brown straight hair past her shoulders. Her outfit was cute and her face of makeup was cute and snatched and she had this prop thing she was holding. She hit on me pretty early in the night and I swerved. Idk why she gave me ick at first. But throughout the night as we hung out I started crushing back and… idk it’s just been soooo long where I’m hanging out with ppl and am having this intimate sexual tension with one person and it’s like we are having a different party then the group we are with but they don’t know.

Let’s just say by the end of the night I was in and wanted to go on a date with her. When I went back to my place ,, ***** was like gone for the day and I was just contemplating what to do or say to them. I was also contemplating doing things with ponderosa and what that might feel like. Ommggnjdkdk fuck

Why did just writing that give me a chill.

Ugh.

A thought I also keep getting for a few months well for maybe years … is just like I really want a girlfriend :/ like ahhh I miss being able to feel boobs, I want a gf who can moan and cum and is femme and dominate and wants me as her man and fuck.. idk I’m realizing that part of my last relationship at the beginning… that was what I loved about the dynamic that I never had before and it felt so so so validating. I’m fucked cuz this girl in my dreams was this— she was what I’ve been thinking in the back of my head that I’m craving and want soooo bad. I want a femme gf and I feel jealous of everyone around me who gets that. I’m feel so jealous and envious of everyone around me who is dating someone I deem as a hottie. I’m jealous of everyone around me that is seeming having a sexually satisfying relationship.

Fuck. The thing that gets me the most is the sexual tension. Like, it makes me want to die when I think about how that was just something that got skipped in our relationship. It never happened— it happened in my head over the summer before they said they didn’t wanna fuck me then all of the sexual tension left and then I just was stressed about making sure they felt comfortable. God this is so embarrassing but I remember like the last time I saw ***** before they moved away and the sexual tension I felt just sitting across from them on their back patio thing. Ugh it was so intense I remember they were wearing a crop top and i was soooo turned on just from sitting across from them it was so intense and insane and it’s like I don’t feel a blip of that with them. It almost makes me mad to feel those feelings and remember that they are missing. But that’s what this dream did. It reminded me of the list and sexual tension I haven’t felt — the excitement. I miss it and then the next part of the dream is me contemplating what to do from here cuz I’m in a long term relationship.

[moidse]

Bruh like I get that then putting n**** being out in a male prison is fucked but it’s hard because I’m like that’s protocol for all trans ppl and like I hope y’all care about other trans ppl being in the wrong prison but I know you don’t cuz this is the first famous trans person for this to happen to to alert cis ppl that this is normal protocol which is unjust and fucked but everyone is acting like it’s just the judge or whatever when this is just the nationwide fucking way it is y’all. And like oh maybe this is making this a more widely known issue but no one seems to realize this is standard and that THAT is the issue. All I see is Nikita shouldn’t be in there, which of course, but there is a disconnect of that this is how every trans person is treated in prison and that needs to be changed but that is not the conversation

[moidse]

My brain is so broken.

Might I’m doing the thing where I feel super alone and like I have no friends and I always reflect on how I’ve felt like this since like middle schools or junior high age…

I just have a deep seated issue of feeling like no friend actually likes me and so when anyone gives me the slightest sign my mind runs with it and goes SEE I told you they didn’t like you.

It sucks idk what to do and I guess I need a therapist. My old bad therapist told me that’s the depression talking which is probably right like I am self aware enough to know this thinking is irrational I just don’t know how to not feel this way and to feel secure in my friendships. I also don’t have many friendships anymore that are close and also not to mention my friend break up definitely left me less secure. I think our friendship helped silence these voices and ever since then it has been stronger cuz I now go back to that friendship and think even my closest friends don’t even like me and I obviously can’t even tell when that’s happening and so I have just been traumatized by that experience.

Like I’ve always felt this way but I feel so much better when I have at least one close friend that I feel comfortable texting whenever and just talking to about whatever and knowing I’m not being judged. I thought I had a friendship like that but I don’t know if I ever actually have. I don’t trust ppl and whenever I feel this feeling of ppl not liking me that much it makes me super depressed and in the past I have shut down completely even in social settings.

Probably cuz if I have one person I can help silence those voices or that person can help make me feel secure and reassure me too. But I don’t have that and I don’t have anyone to talk to when I feel like this so like it’s back to venting to a random tumblr like when I was in hs.

I just want to have a close friend and like 3 years ago I was trying a lot harder to be a better friend and to try to like strengthen the friendships that were already existing and I felt like I was bending myself backwards trying to make that happen which sucked and then when that group all agreed they didn’t want to hang out with me cuz I asked them to wear a mask during the height of the pandemic way before vaccines while I was dating someone imonocomoromised .. it really showed me they don’t fuck with me which was depressing and why I didn’t reach out while being home. Also I’ve like never actually liked Frankie it’s just hard to get away from her lol.

It’s just like from the book I read forever ago about attachment styles it was like if you are insecure talk to them and if they are you’re friend they will reassure you and it’s like talk to who?? I don’t have anyone to talk to. No one is close to me and no one wants to be close to me. I guess what happened today was also similar to when I was younger. Like when I hang out with a group and I feel like the lesser liked person I feel very very sad and like I was trying not to do that last night and I think I did do well spending time with both ppl but like. I guess I did feel like they all sat on this couch and v and k were laughing and having their own jokes and me and lainie were but I guess I had more of a moment with v and I haven’t and then he was like idk what you do but I feel like you could do this and idk I just felt like we weren’t good friends and I just am like Kaiya isn’t even from here but has more friends to visit and that is kinda depressing to me. it always makes me feel like dying.

[moidse]

I just feel like I’ve been actively Igorning my wants and needs for 3 years because I’m living comfortable and make due

[moidse]

Ahhhhh.

Idk what to do

I feel like every month or two when we don’t go one trips I feel like I Want Out so bad but I am stuck cuz I am so connected to them. Thank god I’m not financially anymore but I still depend on them for a car and also they are my whole support network here. Like I have no friends outside of them that live here…

But like idk I think I should look into a therapist and create an exit plan with them and then at least I have someone to talk to while I’m going through a big transition and when I’m in Ohio I can ask my mom if she would help me buy a car..

Cuz it’s true I don’t wanna only have sex with them for the rest of my life like I neeeed someone else who is confident ..

Ugh someone who is so skinny they can ride me and also so confident

Like I feel bad cuz this relationship really was just in my face that I am shallow but like idk I do have a preference and it is basic and idk.. I also don’t think I should pity date anyone just because I care what ppl think

I honestly just want to feel that spark I haven’t felt in forever. Like when I do rarely feel that spark I am immediately fled with so many negative feelings cuz like why is this such a rare feeling

Gurtlllk idk when I first typed this but I didn’t hit submit and now I’m here it’s October 22 and I’m at el rio and I’m just immediately reminded after being someone asking for us to go out … I now remember like I feel weird and awkward and like embarrassed to be seen with them which I know isn’t cmgood at all.. but I feel weird cuz I feel like I could do better and I do want either someone small and skinny or tall and strong those are my two types low key and they are not small and skinny and I don’t feel comfortable dancing sexy on them like this is so stupid I feel so awkward and I want to die like … I want to kill myself cuz when I thought this bitch was fuckable was when this bitch didn’t wanna fuck me and now they wanna tuck me and I don’t see them as fuckable anymore and I’m just stuck and I want to die … fuck me I know I just need to ask my mom for a car because I need that to leave but like this isn’t normal and I shouldn’t want to avoid my partner and feel weird around them like because I never leave the house it’s easy but when I leave I want someone who is more brag worthy low key

Damn dawg, it’s probably like 2 weeks later now and holy fuck I feel like I’ve never read my like black out drunk take on this. And can I say I am so much more brutal and I sound like a douche lmao. But I also DO feel this way sooo idk what to do lmao. I hate how it sounds because I know it sounds bad and like I suck but I don’t feel good or happy about things overall but I know I have been stringing things on since we moved and I became so dependent on them. I mean part of me being so depressed when I moved here was feeling trapped in our relationship because I couldn’t financially support myself at all and had no network of support here.

I will say, going back to my last drunk ramblings, I remember the next day I was thinking about how I felt that way about o**** when we were at masque during pride. I remember feeling the same embarrassed feeling cuz I thought their fit was wack and I felt like they didn’t look that good next to me. I can tell I have deep issues where I want my girl to be a trophy and something “to brag about” and show off and be like look at this hottie I’m with… but is that not normal to want?? I’m so confused. It’s funny tho how my mind changes. Like I look back at o*** now and consider them the hottest person I’ve ever been with and like how could I feel embarrassed to be with them. But I guess my embarrassment came more so from them acting dorky. Like them doing that dorky dance I felt embarrassed and made a joke about them being hate crimes and they had a mental breakdown. It’s just, I feel like the person I’m dating is an extension of me and I don’t want them to embarrass me or reflect negatively on me. Which is why k making me send machete that message triggered me. I hate the idea of someone I’m dating negatively effecting my social status with others and how they see me. I want it to make them see me better or I should just be single. But dating someone and having ppl privately think, why am I with this person. Idk, and I guess I’m afraid of an imaginary scenario, cuz it’s not like I’ve ever directly had a friend make a rude comment about someone I’m dating but I do get very triggered. I mean I was triggered so easily by ko** in Chicago back several years ago. The earliest I can think of this feeling is with Cal** and st** like I used to really want their approval over the girls I was into. I wanted their approval so bad and idk why tbh. I kinda wrote about this feeling in H&B but didn’t dive deep. It’s like I’m craving cis str8 mens approval of my love life. I want to be seen as an equal and given this like stamp of approval but str8 men and just like masculine ppl in general. I want bros to be like yooooo and me to be like yoooooo about my person. But I always feel insecure if they do the smallest thing. It’s easier for me to not go out when I’m dating someone. As I reflect I think this also has to do with my social anxiety. I have voices in my head that constantly tell me no one likes me and this seems to extend to the idea that no one likes the person I date either and they are embarrassing. — this probably sounds bad but this would happen back when I would invite friends out to bobs, like I would low key ignore them and mingle alone to my acquaintances and I felt like I couldn’t hang out with both my friends and the acquaintances cuz I’m different people around both. And maybe that’s what I was feeling at el rio. That if I was at this event with them, I would be a totally different person, (I mean if I was single I would be cruising and looking for someone and just like talking to tj about girls and shit) but I feel like I can’t be looking for someone at the bar And I need to be into them… it’s like I was having a mental breakdown low key but I kept it together and just walked away and tried to get drunk to not hear my thoughts… which isn’t good… but it was like I couldn’t keep up the act anymore and I didn’t know what to do in the moment so I hide in the bathroom for a while, then went to the bar, then tj came over and I just drunkenly chatted for a while and tried to wait for the night to be over. —————————————————-///////______ - I guess it really set in when we were on the dance floor and everyone started dancing. I remember I quickly felt super uncomfortable. I didn’t feel like dancing and I very much so didn’t feel like dancing with them. I just remember this short snippet of them dancing in my head and me feeling like the ick. I just felt like they aren’t cute at all and I don’t wanna dance with them. And I felt like I can’t even dance sexy with them and I kept seeing tj and them dancing sexy and it made me feel sad/deeply bad which also triggered me. When I see couples doing things and feeling things I don’t feel

In my relationship it makes me feel this combination of very sad/depressed to like I’m mad.. but it’s mostly I feel depressed and lost and stuck and all these negative emotions rush in and it’s like these voices I try to constantly silence instead of face… cuz idk how to face them.. and I know I always say I’d want to remain friends, idk if they would want that and that’s totally fair. I’ve been leading them on for ever. I feel like I fell in love with their ig presence in 2018/19. At the end of the day, I don’t think it’s healthy whatsoever to be in a relationship like this. I shouldn’t be this not attracted to my partner, and they shouldn’t have to deal with dating someone that doesn’t enthusiastically think they are hot. Like I know I am giving them trauma and deep issues to work through regarding their self image and it’s fucked. Idk what to do. Whenever I bring these things up they always suggest working on our problems and the even mentioned couples therapy when I broke up with them last year and I’m always like no I’ve already made the decision and they are sad that I’m not willing to work and fight for the relationship and I try to explain I’ve been fighting the whole damn time. I’ve felt this ever since you said you don’t fuck and I’ve been fighting the whole time to convince myself this was okay when I should’ve just listened to myself but I care more about what ppl think of me and the voices in my head at the time said you aren’t a bad fuck boi shallow idiot if you can push through this and date someone who doesn’t fuck. How could anyone say that about you then?? And so I kept pushing when I should’ve said I don’t think this will work out immediately. It sucks my therapist was being weird when I asked her about it but she did say I should drop them and like, she was right. I mean, they were talking to me for 3 months and never clarified that they don’t fuck and weren’t looking for that. I felt so stupid and I felt my stomach drop. I was so invested at that point I wanted to die to just be so invested and talk and fantasize about someone the whole summer and when they come back they just drop the biggest dealbreaker. I felt too ashamed to acknowledge it,, and I have this whole time… we aren’t sexually compatible. This is something they will never understand, mostly because they haven’t had sex with anyone else. As soon as they do they will literally be like oh yeah no that sucked. I hate how at night I always convince myself to end it but then every morning I feel like I need to keep pushing through this.

I’m getting tired.

[moidse]

dreams

wow i just woke up from the most detailed dream that has emotionally effected me in a while.

I was working somewhere. it is hard to describe, there was a lot of computers, part of it was cave like and there was a fashion show,, and it was like we were temp living out there for the job.. anyways k*** was there and so was my hs crush b*** .... and i dont remember everything but there was this part where me k and b were all in bed together... k was trying to sleep on one side while me and b were having a heart to heart and she opened up to me.. i remember in the dream thinking how this is the most she was ever opened up to me... she was basically admitting that she likes me and has always liked me but she was too scared to do anything about it. i wish i remembered more details... i just remember it was bringing back a lot of feelings of when i first had a crush and just all that... and we were kissing... kind of a lot after having this deep conversation basically both admitting we have strong feelings for each other... we were kissing a lot and i wanted to do more..  i literally checked in with k twice to make sure it was okay... i was like is this okay or should we go to another room.. and they didnt want me to go to another room... i feel like cuz i would’ve banged ... and they said it was fine... even when i asked again... so we just made out there and it was such a rush of emotions. the whole rest of the dream i was floating on cloud 9 ... i remember i kept thinking to myself like wow, i can’t believe remaining a friend to this person and they finally do actually like me.. cuz ya kno i feel like thats a tv/movie trope almost and i was like wow it happened to me.... and i just kept feeling how special this moment was and i was like do i move temp and try being with them?? what do i do with my current relationship?? the rest of the dream i felt like this was a fairytale and then i was debating do i give this a go because im in a relationship... i remember at one point i was like holyshit i need to call saoirse and have them read tarot and help me decide. but by the end of the dream i knew i wanted to at least try to make it work. I just kept thinking this is someone i’ve had a crush on for so long... someone i go back to in the my head every now and then and think about and i always wished she liked me back and for this to happen i was like I can’t pass up this opportunity i would regret it a shitton.  so i decided i was going to explore more by the end of the dream. and by the end of the dream the job was over and we were all leaving the office space and me and k were leaving and i find b to say it was really nice talking to you and i invited her to hang with us tonight and i dont think she could but i invited basically like i wanna still be in contact and try to see you was what i was saying. (also in the dream it wasn’t even her anymore i knew it was her but why she look like my housemate kk? idk i think it was one of those things that dont make sense in your dream) idk this dream just felt so powerful. like it created such an emotional response from me.. as i was waking from it i thought to myself NOOO NOO i dont want this experience to be over :(. ..... I haven’t had a dream like this in a really long time.. like i honestly don’t remember.. 

and here is the kicker.. i was listening to chadvice before bed and there was some ppl who were asking about relationship advice that felt similar to my own thoughts and things and... i just was thinking non-stop before bed about wanting to feel more in a relationship.. just i dont feel butterflys emotionally or sexually and i haven’t in a really long time... i’ve had a wondering eye for a really long time... and just listening to their advice how im hurting the other person more and more the longer i take to say something.. its kinda like this rough pill i have to swallow.  ... and this dream was like reminding me of the emotions of having butterflys and being so swept away by someone... i miss all of those feelings and when i feel them for a moment i always feel very depressed afterwards because i know i dont feel that with k and its been so long since ive felt that and i feel so bad and depressed by it. 

i just got myself into a really bad situation because i depend on them so much since i moved here and i dont have support out here or even my own car so its hard for me to realistically think of an exit strategy. plus i will potentially lose them in my life, i will lose all of the friendships i’ve made so far here.. i will be very very alone here and without a car and i would have to find my own housing which is scary. 

I think i do resent them for taking so long to want to have sex with me... i lowkey bring it up a lot as a joke but thats because it does annoy me that it took like 8 months for them to want to have sex with me because i feel like i was holding out to see if we had this physical connection and i didnt feel it and they kept coaxing me to wait and they will be more comfortable and open to more soon ... and i just kept waiting and waiting ... and things have gotten better slowly.. very slowly ... and i just know deep down they can never be like as good as things have felt for me.. and part of it is this process.. i am annoyed that i have been doing this so long.. i want to feel confidently in love and fully attracted to someone... like i know this isn’t healthy but i also feel stuck and dependent on them. I also have a deep fear of being single so i get it. 

[moidse]

geesh, so k***** sent me a tweet the other day and it was a reddit post about someone talking about how their partner they have been with for almost 10 years came out as trans and they are super supportive but they miss having a wife and being with a woman. and we talked about he post and how they should break up.... i just felt a bit guilty because i felt like i’m in a somewhat similar situation and felt like i could relate in that i care about my partner a lot and want to support them but i miss having a close sexual relationship with someone and I do not think I will ever be able to get that with them.. but i do love and care about them and i’ve brought this up to them several times and they always suggest we just need to work on it and it can get there.... it’s hard because i can’t even put into words what’s missing because it’s like a feeling of when you just click and you are super comfortable with each other and you let your walls fully down... i know that hasn’t happened for us and i just think it should especially for us dating for 2 1/2 years. 

idk i could just relate to not being fully satisfied in a relationship but really liking the person and still wanting to be with them and just ignoring your own wants and needs and its dumb.. i keep telling myself eventually i will leave but our lives are incredibly intertwined ... blah blah blah

it just sucks, it would be so convenient if we had the best sex ever. Its hard to explain because there are multiple factors for why I dont feel the same sexual connection with them and I’m sure I’m not even aware of all of the reasons. 

Things that I think contribute:

- I was incredibly physically attracted to my ex. The most physically attracted I have been to with any person I’ve dated (which lol isn’t a lot) They are the hottest person I’ve had sex with and I couldn’t get over how hot their body was. like whenever they would undress at night for bed I couldn’t help but stare like I was in a trance... I couldn’t get over their figure it was soooo good. god i remember just laying next to their naked body in bed had me soooo turned on i couldn’t help but to feel them up. I felt like an animal in heat around them. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and it made me feel the sexiest I’ve ever felt in my life. 

it sucks cuz when I first met them, I did think they were super hot and in fact I thought they were hotter than my ex who I said was the hottest. I def felt they had a better facecard. It’s just true that in the beginning of us talking I was super attracted to them and would fantasize about them riding me while wearing their fishnets... but then like a dominoe of events happened and each few months I realized that my fantasies were not reality at all. Sex is just a bit awkward, we don’t have good communication when we fuck, I can just feel that my walls are still up and I can feel they still have several walls up. It’s hard for me to communicate my sexual wants and needs because I feel like they are just very different and not only do not understand but they just aren’t into it and im afraid to have that conversation and have it be confirmed because it’s like okay then what. I just like being seen as a cis boy ... and sometimes I like being seen as a girl in bed... i like to play with gender roles and i like to switch them if I’m really comfortable with you. I just saw a tweet that said “I’m only soft and submissive if I feel comfortable around you, if you fuck me and my body is hard its cause I don’t feel comfortable around you.” and i liked that and was like damn that’s soooo real and I’m not really soft & submissive with k***** and that’s definitely why. It’s a trust thing. I like to start out being hard and if I feel safe and comfortable I like to open up and be vulnerable and submissive.. and that like my favorite thing but i have to trust you and feel safe and I dont trust them... they dont feel confident about topping me...

it’s like our sex is okay. sometimes its good.. but it’s never great and also i never feel comfortable being submissive and that’s my favorite thing... i just feel like they do not see me the way i want to be seen and that’s definitely because i haven’t opened up but im afraid to open up because i feel like its not something they are into because i like traditional gender role play in bed and they dont think that’s hot and so i dont wanna share that and it sucks. i miss how open and honest my sexual relationship was. That sexual relationship was the first time it felt easy to talk about sex and to explore with someone. They were confident and aggressive. They could tell I was trans and had bottom dysphoria before I even came out to them about it and they always affirmed me constantly during sex that I’m do good at dicking them down and like my stroke game is so good and they KNOW how good it would feel if I had a dick and just going on and on affirming me that if im sooo good at dicking them down. god they would even ride me and grind and moan and that was the hottest thing for me .. my god fuck i think about that memory often.. it makes me sad its been 3 years and my memories of amazing sex are fading away...it was just like they were into so many of my kinks... they made me feel like a sexy boy and i miss feeling like that. that boosted my confidence so much. 

sometimes i worry that i wanna be a trans man and date a cis woman to validate my gender & sexuality.. idk it was something about them treating me like a cis man in like every way they would approach me sexually that i found so hot and it made me feel like they see me sexually the way I want to be seen which is how I then let my walls down and was more vulnerable and opened up about being submissive and they loved that too and idk ... in regards to sex everything felt so right and like it came easy and with them it feels like the opposite in that everything has been very difficult. it has been very difficult to even get to this point and i also feel bad cuz i know they’ve grown so much sexually through this relationship and i feel bad being like, soorrryy still not good enough. 

it makes me depressed to think i will never get to have a sexual connection like that again if i remain in this relationship. and its hard to explain to someone who you are their only sexual experience that it can be even better than our dynamic.. like we have worked on it and things are def better but it can be so much better

idk how to say this but reading that reddit post helped give me some words and something to point to and say i have a similar feeling about us. 

it just sucks cuz it will hurt them so much.... but i would never do this again.. if i am talking to someone and they say they are ace i will go straight into friendship cuz this was stupid af. i assumed we would click and things would instantly be good sex once they felt comfortable around me but it wasnt. it was god awful sex. literally the worst I’ve ever had and it took months and months for it to slowly get better to where it is now but like i said i still have a lot of walls up and dont feel comfotable being super submissive... i just feel like it doesn’t do anything for them... i dontl ike being with someone who has no sexual confidence and who has a very low sex drive and doesn’t lust after me. but i also love and care about them and always want a close relationship with them and plus we live together. ugh im tired

[moidse]

omg... that was awful... i just feel like they have no sympathy and they are like wow you haven’t unlearned fatphobia wow so you want all fat ppl to die?!?! and its like nah dude.. i just hate my own body and have for ever... especially the past few years with the pandemic having me gain more weight and its been really hard and i haven’t liked looking at myself since 2019..... thats why i always bring it up.... cuz i basically have hated how i’ve looked since... i remember when the lockdown first started in 2020 i was ready to start going back in the gym cuz at that point i felt like i had gained too much weight and i just didn’t get to go in the gym for 2 years and i’m just the biggest i’ve ever been and i hate looking at myself. like its hard honestly to just rarely like seeing how i look in the mirror... like it fucks me up every day... and its hard not having a partner who encourages me and supports me trying to lose weight... like i just dont think wanting to lose weight is inherently negative... they are like its not bad if you are working out to feel better and im like why cant i do both? why cant i work out to feel better mentally and physically? losing weight has those effects... like why do you think going to the gym makes you feel better? idk... i think you can try to lose weight in unhealthy ways for sure... and that was like all of their examples was losing a dramatic amount of weight fast is bad and like duh... but i’ve never done that... i lose weight slowly... and ive never had a bad ED either...

i also just feel frustrated being fatter and hating myself and having skinner ppl being like wow you are fatphobic and need to stop... and its like easy for you to say you are smaller than me!!! you can still fit every size at the mall!!!! your are still a functional size in our society. i’m so fat and short that most clothes dont fit me correctly. like i can’t even wear clothes that fit me well any more and i have to wear the largest sizes available and hope it fits and if it does fit its still fucking too long on me cuz im less than 5 feet... i just felt this way when their housemate said this to me too... like it feels annoying have ppl skinnier than you talking about how you need to work on your fatphobia and omg you are so bad... like you arent even as big as me... stfu. i know i have issues with internalized fatphobia but the way you are talking to me about it is not helpful and i wish i just had a partner who are supportive of my goals and was encouraging because im sure that would’ve helped me a lot... its so helpful having a close friend or someone supporting you thoughout your journey...

i also just find it annoying because i’ve already accepted i will never be skinny.. like thats fine.. but i do want to lose some weight and like i said there are some small things that like once you gain so much weight you do notice your body doesn’t work the same and they were like how?? and its like idk dude if you aren’t big enough to know what i mean i dont feel like opening up?? while you are being so aggressive and shutting me down... like you aren’t even big enough to know what i mean... but no like there are a ton of small things that like i cant do as well or have to do differently because i’ve gained so much weight and that is just another daily reminder besides the mirror...

im just like.. also, like im sorry but i do believe like 95% of ppl work out to lose weight/ look hot.... and they are like its only okay to work out if its because it makes you feel good and its like what if losing weight makes you feel good? ... also, im sorry but so i should just say i dont do it to lose weight and i do it to feel good... thats whats politically correct to say? because i feel like ppl say that and are lying. 

i just cant believe they said i want all fat ppl to die.. like why are you being so extreme and dramatic? i never said that and i’ve never thought that. why are you taking things to the most extreme degree and saying that’s how i feel? i dont like how i look. i dont want myself to die lol. 

also, im trying to have a career in front of a camera and if i dont lose weight then my whole thing will be being the fat (blank) ... and i dont want that. maybe if i was seen as more of a guy i would feel more comfortable because guys are allowed to be fat more... but idk.. i want to look and feel hot... 

them saying i want all fat ppl to die is so cringe like when they said that its ablilist that im upset they dont fuck me from behind-- like its giving sock being a tenderqueer. 

i just cant stand skinny ppl telling me im bad because im fatphobic and they are just smaller than me and dont have to deal with as much.. and also they aren’t trying to have a career in entertainment which is very very fatphobic 

[moidse]

:/ 

cant believe love is blind is having me analyze everything. I mean, it is lowkey just like eye opening seeing another couple go through something similar as to what I’ve been dealing with -- I’m just very interested in learning how this turns out for them, but just hearing that dude talk about his feelings and why he feels conflicted over and over again just keeps triggering me and I’m like AHHHH that’s exactly how I feel I’ve just been pushing it to the back of my mind every few months it starts bubbling up!!!! 

Cuz it’s like, they were in those pods were is like a super intense retreat, and they committed to being engaged and in a relationship before knowing if they had a physical connection or not and after making such a commitment and then finding out you do not have a strong enough physical one, what do you do?

Honestly, I just got triggered watching that episode last night because it was like he was literally having the same argument in his head as me when he said to his mom how he has had a really strong physical connection with others but the emotional deep connection is never there and I was like whooaaaa this is all hitting way too close to home because that’s been my dilema too. It’s like, can I have a really strong physical connection and the person is very caring and nice and we also have a deep emotional bond? I don’t want to feel like I have to sacrifice one connection for the other though. It did hurt me when he was telling his mom this and his mom was like wow you suck and she deserves someone who is fully there for her-- I was like damn, that’s literally me.. I suck and they deserve someone who is fully there for them. Which I feel like I know deep down. I mean I have tried to break up with them several times I just always feel bad and guilty seeing them cry and want to try to make it work for them cuz i feel bad and i do care about them deeply... its just hard. 

Not to mention, this whole past year I’ve felt trapped because I was financially dependent on them when I moved here for like a year and not only was I financially dependent on them, I was dependent on them for having a car to use, and they were/are like my only friend out here so they are also my only emotional support out here-- basically when i moved here i was very depressed and deeply wanted to break up with them but i knew i didn’t have the resources to comfortably leave so I just had to deal with being very unhappy and depressed. 

I keep thinking about how with this new gig I got, like I have enough money that I am not financially dependent on them, I still depend on them for a car which does suck, but I can actually see myself being able to leave and move out of this house if it came down to that. I have the funds at least to do it.

It’s just hard and it’s gotten to this point that I feel ashamed and embarrassed I’ve let things get this far. It’s truly something I try not to think about and push to the back of my mind because it is just fucked up if I were to say my feelings... and lowkey this is why i didn’t want them to meet my friends cuz i would just tell my friends how i feel like i have no physical connection with this person but they are so nice and sweet and everyone I’ve dated before was very mean and toxic and so it was nice and I wanted that at the time. i had recently gotten out of a very toxic relationship and something just stable and loving felt like enough a little at the time and also if i’m being completely honest, when they first told me they were ace and my hopes for this relationship long-term started going down slowly ever since... like I felt like that year I had taken a big L. My friendship with my best friend from high school came to a very bad ending which left me feeling really bad about myself and I had a very toxic relationship end too. like I remember when they told me they were ace, I could still hear my old best friends voice in my head mocking me saying, you’re such a fuck boy of course you aren’t going to give them a chance because they don’t want to fuck you wow. and I could just hear her and her friends voices in my head mocking me and saying I’m a bad guy for wanting sex and it got to me and I was like okay let me try this for a while.... plus i hate being single i just felt like i’d be taking such an L...  and tbh back then I was a lot more physically attracted to them and i was very hopeful that it would only take a month or two and they would feel more comfortable and confident and boy was I wrong... literally like every 2-3 months i would be wanting to break up with them and I’d be like I want a sexual relationship and I’ve been waiting x months and it’s like idk how long I feel comfortable waiting to see if you will be comfortable one day... and every time I would bring this up they were say they feel a lil more comfortable and to this day I still feel like they just didn’t want to lose me and so they were more the bar a little smidge to show there is progress and I should keep waiting.. 

it’s just that it probably wasn’t until 8 months into our relationship that they were open to me touching them and i remember the first time i touched them it was very exciting, i mean i had been literally waiting for this moment for a year... but after the first time it was just boring,,, and then i would get bored of just kissing them... and I kept trying and then when i tried to push for them to change meds so they can cum and it was a hard no I was feeling more hopeless... like it just does make sex significantly less exciting for me. and it makes me sad to realize I haven’t made someone cum in 3 years almost. like that’s brutal. that’s longer than my previous gap.... nor have I seen someone cum in 3 years.. like bruh that’s depressing...

I just have always known longterm that I want to be with other people. I want to feel that strong physical connection I had with my ex again. I know I can feel that with other people. I want to be able to make my partner cum. I want to feel like the guy in the relationship at times... I want to feel like the girl in the relationship at times... I like switching roles and playing around and I just don’t get to do any of that anymore... it’s crazy cuz 3 years ago i was starting this sexual exploration journey and i took an L and then tried to jump into another relationship to feel better and after 3 months of talking and hearing they were ace I just felt so embarrassed and like i could hear my old friends that would bully me laughing and mocking me in my head and so i just pretending things were fine because i didn’t want to seem like I took another L that year. and I was hopeful things could change, i’m just not hopeful anymore but our lives our so intertwined that it’s hard to leave. I just feel like we are best friends. thats the relationship i want with them, but idk if they will be open after... we’ll see. 

Also, not to mention it’s just like useful to be with them, to have the emotional support, financial support from not only them but their parents... I really like that I feel comfortable and part of the family at dinners and that always makes me have more hope in our relationship because that’s something i guess i’ve always wanted.

but as I’m typing this it just feels like the past year I’ve just been using them... I used them to easily move to cali, used them for housing and financial support to make such a big move, used them for emotional support. idk. and I know when i did break up with them in Nov they were like if you have felt this way for so long then why have you been with me??? and I didn’t know what to say.. its like good question, because i don’t like being single and I didn’t want to take another L.

It triggered me when we first fought and they said i just wanted sex with them cuz my old friend would mock me and say I’m like that so I felt like I had to prove to myself that I’m not that person and I kind of used this relationship as a means to silence these voices in my head telling me I’m a fuck boy and I suck... would I fuck boy date an ace person for 2.5 years?? yes, he would and he would feel bad about himself the whole time!!!!! lol. 

I’m a bad person lowkey.  UGh, i can’t stop thinking about them and the way they made me feel. I never felt so good in my own body before, I’d never felt such gender euphoria... god i miss it... i can’t help but keep running through the memories of those 3 months we were together... god how sad am i .... they treating me like a man in every single way and i never felt so seen before in and out of the bedroom.. i remember i would cry after sex king of often with them because i was just in tears of joy at feeling so good. I had sex that was so good before and i was crying realizing like I have been too scared to be open about being trans to sexual partners and realizing this was the missing piece... i always felt like sex was overrated and not that good until I met them.... I mean they were my first partner i was open to about being trans, the first sexual partner i was open to about being trans and i was surprised how big of a difference that made and then i was disappointed when my current partner just doesn’t treat me this way and wants me to have to ask for them to do every little thing and the thing is i want you to feel a strong genuine physical connection with me to where you want to do these things to me and its hard to resist your natural urges and I feel hot and sexy cuz of it.... if i have to ask you to treat me like a man in bed that just ruins it for me and makes me feel like .. oh cuz you obviously do not see me as that otherwise i wouldn’t have to ask.... and that’s just like such a turn off...

dont get me wrong, sex has gotten better, they have gotten better at touching me but... i just know it will never be close to the level of connection I’m looking for and what I once had.... it’s hard...

it makes me think I need to date people who are open to dating cis men... cuz idk the way they were treating me like a cis man with how they’d flirt and seduce me and fuck me was the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,,, and then when we switched roles that was even hotter.... 

tbh i like playing with traditional gender roles and i like being able to switch them around with my partner and it really is hard for me to vibe with my current partner because they are very much genderqueer and don’t vibe with any gender roles and i think thats why they dont get what i mean when i try to ask them to treat me like im trans in the bedroom, they honestly probably over think it. and me having to explain makes me feel like you dont genuinely feel these things about me and you have to pretend... 

I’ve also just never been in a relationship before and been constantly wanting to be with other people... like idk doesn’t feel good... but i also have never been in a long term relationship before and i don’t know whats normal and that has also been something that has been stopping me. It’s also just comfortable to stay... its funny... i just took a break from writing this and forgot about everything.. i was on FB judging someone who seems like a closeted trans person, wants top surgery and starting t things but has a husband and is like well he wouldn’t like that so i can’t.... .. just has me thinking how common it is to be in a longterm relationship and be like i can’t have this thing i want but they treat me right! ..meh.. idk.. i’m hoping that when i’ve been on t long enough things will feel better for me in terms of gender euphoria... 

sometimes i also just think i just really wanna fuck a woman and that’s what I’m craving. A slutty yt girl who is confident in her kinks and moans so good and i make her cum over and over.... ugh... that would be so hot... 

i also hate that i feel like i can’t tell anyone these thoughts and so like the last year i’ve just been screaming into the void here... and then when i was telling my friend they gave me the confidence and support to break up and then i just went back after a few days and said im willing to try cuz i felt bad and also cuz i was mostly scared of how this would change my life dramatically cuz them and their friends is basically all i have out here and i also didnt have the money to move out either so i was just really scared and didn’t want to dramatically fuck up my day-to-day life and living situation.  but then its like, so if i get a stable enough job and can buy a car and afford a room somewhere else,,, which i can already do now i would just need a few more big gigs and i could probably afford a car. I mean i’m gonna start a savings, I just haven’t thought about how much it would cost. probably 10-15k i’m guessing. I would have to look into cars and ask people who know about cars for feedback. 

Like lets say if i had my own car, would i want to break up? .. i mean i don’t think so, but it might give me more courage to speak about my feelings and just try to communicate i’ve been fighting these thoughts in my head and i know this isn’t fair to you. 

its also like,do I like my comfortable lifestyle being with a fairly stable partner who has a career path and i family that is a big financial security net that extends to myself, like their dad did my taxes, like my life is pretty comfortable and nice with them. i do enjoy hanging out with them it really is just i sort of just crave having sex with someone else and it just is something that comes and goes,

i obviously am more horny on t and the sex honestly has been a lot better on t, like t has definitely made them more visibly horny at times and thats hot but idk there is just something that i think i will always feel is missing from our sex and a big part of it is i can’t make them cum. from that making me feel confident to also i just obvi enjoy making my partner cum it makes me feel good about myself and it is probably thee hottest part about sex to me and its definitely a big factor in me not being super motivated to top them which sucks but like, just touching someone for like 10-20 min and there being like no build up ... it just like isn’t the vibe.... like sex is usually like this sort of dance and it has different pacing and it can be fun to be in sync with your partner and its just like this body language of a dance of touch and breath and i just get the feel like they do not know this dance, they can’t read this body language because they don’t speak it. 

they need me to give them specific direction because they do not speak this language to get the hints i’m dropping. it’s just, I do not think we are the most sexually compatible but i do think we are very compatible in other ways so it is what it is. 

I think it’s also hard for them to understand that the spark isn’t there if they’ve never felt it before... this whole dynamic really gives me flashbacks to my first relationship where my ex couldn’t make me cum and it frustrated them and i just have a few specific memories that i can see now that I honestly wasn’t super attracted to them and I wasn’t super into the sex (at first, then I lost it and was a baby) but because it was my first sexual relationship i thought it was great because i didn’t know any thing else... i mean it wasn’t bad it was hot but i can now see there was a disconnect at times. because i would fuck them like it was a chore... we had just no communication either it was like if they wanted to fuck we fuck and it was just bad. but i didnt know any better and i thought we had a great connection... and now that i’ve had other sexual partners and one that I felt that spark with, i can now confidently say I know what an actual strong sexual connection feels like with another person... it feels so effortless and like you both just speak that same language and not much needs to be said when it comes to direction because you both just immediately get it and have such a strong sexually chemistry ugh i miss itttttt :( 

i miss having that. i just simply can’t be like this forever. I must leave or talk more and see if they are open to be having sex with other people because i feel like i need it. 

this is my horny diary. ugh dont even get me started on h***** akdnajknadsjsnaajkn they are so hot and i just don’t want it to be obvious i have a crush on them but i dont know them which is why they seem hot i dont know any of their character flaws yet,, just that they are hot, have nice tits, and also think that im hot.... although i am getting ahead of myself kaiya did say they didn’t want to hit on  me and s**** said i was hot when we were first hanging out to and ppl say that about their friends.. i mean it would be pretty confident to be into me and say that .. but kaiya also said they asked what type of relationship we are in... but they said it casually came up.... but idk i am reading into it because thats what i want it to be and thats what i do when i have a crush is read into everything and take the risk of them being interested.

but also i don’t know them... and usually the more you know about someone the less hot they are. cuz ppl suck. 

[moidse]

Yo sometimes i rly feel like screaming and like i have no one i can talk to about dis 😭😭😭

FuCK!!!!! I feel so damn like sexually repressed and like i get horny from THEE smallest things its STUPId and embarrassing.

Ive been soooOOoo sexually repressed this past year and its driving me up the wall. I should not be this horny by dykes giving me the smallest bit of attention--No, i shouldnt be getting this horny/turned on by these dykes, who like arent even insanely my type, like thats also the gag-- i feel like my body is soooooo desperate that im like 💦👅 at the slightest bit of attention a dyke gives me, even if its just friendly... like im so desperate i feel like im seeing what i want to see...

Im sooo horny to have sex with not my partner its fucked and sad and i need to end things but its hard because we live together and are lives are so intertwined at this point and also i do not have any support here outside of them. I truly didnt realize what i was getting into when i moved here. I thought i would be living with them for only a few months but i quickly realized i couldnt afford to move out and my mental health has been the worst this year because of it/this/feeling trapped and stuck in a situation i no longer want to be in... it quickly turned into, im in this relationship for survival purposes which is no good.

Like, i like them, they are a great person and i want to still be in their life, but i so badly want to be able to flirt and mingle with ppl here. I want to have sex with someone else, anyone else, SoOoOOo bad. Like rly rly bad. So bad that v*** just calling me babe gets me slightly turned on and has me fantasizing about them throwing me against a wall asdffkdklsksis fuuuuck i wanna be fucked bad :( lollllll.

Fuck, its hard out here... damn, what scares me is the unknown... i do not know how to nicely end things when are lives are so interwined and we live togrther and share a car and so much shit like how do i just leave this ??? I def need to make friends here which is what im doing... but it hurts my heart that i feel like i cant tell anyone how i feel... because i dont want judgement but also i need to talk to someone and figure out an exit strategy so i know its possible and i can see a path to leaving this situation... fuck... and i dont even wanna think about how hurt they will be :/ it sucks but im not doing them any favors by being with them and knowing in my heart i don't see a future and i so badly want to be with someone new.

I just feel trapped and like i dont know how to leave this in a good way or like trying to be considerate i guess... how van i break up and hurt them the least??? Which is stupid because they will be hurt no matter what... ugh

.. fuck me...

I feel bad that i dont find them attractive anymore.. i feel shallow... also tho i have always felt we didnt have a sexual spark and i just hate how i got to this place by continously not listening to my gut for years telling me this aint it... and they would try to convince me that things can get better and we can work on it but you cant work on just being incompatible...

It sucks but i do feel like i need to move out and not just down stairs and i know its gonna hurt them but i cant keep this up another year... im dying inside... my spirit is crushed and repressed... i hate it here!!! Lol... but fr i cant do another year of this situation...

Every once in a while i feel like i can do this but i deep down know im just like tolerating them... im not passionate about being with them, i dont feel a spark or butterflies, i dont rly like kissing them or them touching me... like its not hot... im just not into them like that and i feel like i have to perform and i cant 24/7 which is why my mental health has been the worst this year... i cant keep doing this to myself and them... i just... it just sucks and its scary but it will be okay eventually and having friends to rely on during this time will be critical i think...

I should talk to a therapist.. but maybe i could reach out to a few friends and say i need support right now and asking if they are open to texts, or phone calls because i just need someone to talk to soon...