#thingsiwrite

[playing-the-villain]

A Voice

The truth I hold took years to unfold, locked up and never told. Now I speak, for I am done being weak. I think back to when it happened, that awful day The day he took "it" away.

To this day I feel him, his tight grip on my wrists the pressure of his body, as I tried to resist.

My heart was a two ton brick in my fist That kept me pinned to the exact spot on the ground he wanted me to be in. Holding back panicked breaths like other kids held stuffed animals Sinister smiling eyes, venom spit splashed across my limbs. Years later my sheets are still soaked, trembling with the sound of my own frozen voice.

Wandering the streets, giving myself to men with sheets. Crying while we fuck, gasping for air the more they struck. If I didn't say no, then maybe I could have some control. I gave myself for free, it was him that broke me. No respect for myself, no metal to place on a shelf. Falling down to dirt, clothes stained, bloody skirt. The cold making me shiver, drinking vodka and damaging my liver. Why should I care about my life? Here I go carving myself with a knife. Blood dripping down my thigh, hatred fills me like a high. I am not dead, just hanging by a thread. Pound my body, until my tears turn red.

All numb, can't feel a thing I can finally believe for a second... Their hands aren't his.

I did survive this life, I have now retired my knife. Scars still there, people look at them and stare. Smiling to all, putting my hands out to break my fall. I would like to share my voice, it's up to me to make that choice.

[jlalafics]

Love walking through the Mission. Gives me major “Two Wrongs” vibes. (at Mission District, San Francisco, CA)

[tinasartlife]

Here's another mind rambling, in honor of our loved ones. 💙💚💜💛🧡 >>>>>>>> #mindramblings #thingsiwrite #notreallypoetry #tinasartlife #wordsarepowerful #wordsoninstagram (at Reno, Nevada) https://www.instagram.com/p/CiMJ3pHr0W-/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[t-writes]

we are gathered here today to hold open the ears of all the men in my life and pour into them all the complaints I have been telling them for countless turns of broken clocks.

how can they choose to not listen now when their patience will become stretched as thin as mine has

[thepoetoaster]

Be the light 🌞 #thingsiwrite #writing #photography #spiritual #spirituality #happiness #positivity #joy #love #motivation #inspiration #inspiration #inspirationalquotes #bethechange #buffalo #buffalony #art #artist #artistsoninstagram (at Buffalo, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/BmJLWJ4lxRf/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vtkp31zqxjza

[caffeineghostie]

When I'm gone

And when I'm gone you will find me in my sunflowers, in the quotes I underlined in books, in the ugly sketches I kept drawing even though I sucked at it, in the dozens of projects that I started and never finished, in the things I write and don't make sense, in a ray of sunshine or in a summer rain, in the smell of apricots or wet grass,

and maybe

you will smile.

[sucreeeee]

Feelings..

It's quite a funny thing what you feel inside.

One day you like someone. The next day not so much...

[scarlettwriter91]

Where do you write? 

Do you sit at a desk? Is it messy? Do you have scrap pieces of paper piled over to the side, a cup of tea or coffee sitting beside your latest work in progress? Or is it neat and super organized with everything in a proper place? (and your drink sitting on a coaster instead of making rings on your desk)

Do you write on a computer or do you have tons of journals and notebooks filled with words? Or not filled with words, but patiently waiting to be? Even still, do you write in notebooks and then transfer them to the computer, chapter by chapter?

Do you write outside? Sitting on a blanket under your favorite shade tree?

Do you listen to music while you write, or do you find yourself singing along to your favorite tunes instead of actually writing? 

Maybe you sit in your most favorite comfy chair? Maybe it’s by a window so that you can look out from time to time and feel inspired by what you see? 

What about the bed? Who writes, propped up against the headboard of their bed? Maybe you have a lap desk and so it feels a little more like an actual desk. 

Can I tell you something? 

It doesn’t matter one bit where you write, as long as you write. :)

[brewru423]

A musing I wrote some years ago, hope you enjoy, much love to one and all!! #musings #iwrotethis #mymusings #thingsiwrite #the413 #thebrewru423 #massachusetts #westernmass #westernmasswriters #photooftheday #gillma (at Gill, Massachusetts) https://www.instagram.com/p/CD1u-xTpyw9/?igshid=wdx9ws0wve54

[scribesandvibes]

#gentlereminder Repost #MassageHeights ・・・ LIKE & SHARE if you believe we should all flood the world with our #kindness!💕 -Massage Heights ・・・ #BEkindtoyourself! When you #givethisworldgoodenergy, don't forget to #LOVEyourself. If #theresnothingbetterthanlove, How long before we talk varying types and degrees? To become aware of #consciouscare, Ye must #practiceselflove And master #timeandenergy. #mypoemsarenotpoems, This is more like an #ode to #reclaimingmytime and #reclaimingmyenergy. I mean, the moment you recognize #calmisasuperpower, The storm becomes a breeze. O these #thingsiwrite, lovely as the #cafeterraceatnight, Yet may these #affirmations bloom like the moon on a #starrynight. Lately, I've been studying #thepowerofthesunflower, talking #spirituallessonsformysisters, trying to #stayclosetopeoplewhofeellikesunlight. Maybe, this is an open invitation to practice #sacredpamperingprinciples And incorporating more #joygiving activities and experiences into your life. Or, perhaps this is your reminder to #BOOKTHEFLIGHT; #whatiknowforsure is where #selfcare is at the core, There will always be #loveandlight. Peace to those that #laughoften and #lovealot, I'll do all that I can do to keep you safe Like Lindsey Ray. Although I can never take away the ugly moments that traumatized your beautiful soul, I pray these poems I write massage your mental like a spa day every day. Until I put a finger on how to help you heal the hurt, May you find comfort in being kinder to yourself and greeting each day with positive reinforcements like: I am going to be okay! -Stevie https://www.instagram.com/p/B9c858KBTLH/?igshid=oj41k9uzkxvg

[wicked-bitchofthe-south]

[playing-the-villain]

Cracks Remain

I throw myself against the wall

I can’t help but let these tears fall

My skin is fragile like porcelain, shattered

In my past all the shards were scattered

I’ve been trying to reassemble 

Those monsters took the pieces while I trembled

I’ve been desperately searching for a way to fix it

Nothing seems to fit, I don’t fit

I thought if I contributed to the pain

If I helped them break me, made my blood rain

Then maybe I would be able to understand why 

Years later I still can’t find a remedy 

Although I am stronger now, for myself I can fight 

There is still darkness in the light

In my skin I see the cracks will always remain

All I see in everyone’s eyes is disdain

I can’t shake this feeling that I will never be good enough

That I will only ever feel hands that are rough

That a gesture as kind as a hug will never have good intentions

That I will only see damaged goods in the reflection

I’m fine, I’ll be okay, I’ve survived Hell

Can you really love a broken girl? I’m trying to as well

[tmilky]

structure (bodily, poetic, mental)

in increments, she seeps in; like invitations to this pity party were sent in cryptic parts - she didn’t know when to show up and when to leave

and in the sun she tells me i’m worth buckets of what i was in the cold, and she puts herself “in my shoes” and says it could have been worse and then i tell her she never looked after me so what can she tell me about my body and it’s value (that never seems to rise) and she shouts and tells me irrational thinking will be the death of me

it doesn’t take long for me to tell her, that she is all of my insecurity bundled into something i had to breathe life into because i did not want to take the blame for my own self destruction.

for all i am is because she is and she will never stop being whilst i am too - and all my thoughts merge into those cryptic invitations.

when you feel dirty dirty dirty she gets down with you. the guilt pierces the roof of your mouth. i am so tainted, her piercings feel a fiery flavour of numb.

- 21:28 - 30/06/17

[dancalidlr]

"Personally I don't like being an adult. Being an adult comes with a price. You're starting to become aware of the reality and before you know it you have lost your dreams, chasing after stability and security, and they become your new dreams. That's how I see it. So I don't consider myself as an adult even though my age says so. I want to be an adult that follows my dreams just like a teenager. Stay innocent, be naive, but still dream big. Dream big to the point that it is beyond your ability and endeavor to achieve it. So dream big and don't lose your innocence.

a translation of what Min Yoongi said to Park Jimin when Jimin turned twenty

[tanyaryanmusic]

To All the Buttholes I’ve Loved Before.

I’m so glad I had the opportunity to date so many buttholes. 

Buttholes are such an important part of the self-development process. They highlight all the areas in that we lack. If you have trouble drawing boundaries - no problem! A butthole will come a take advantage of you until you figure it out. 

You struggle with being a constant people-pleaser? You will eventually come across the forever un-pleaseable butthole. 

Doesn’t matter what the goal of your personal journey into self discovery; overcoming your issues with confrontation, temper, drama, perfectionism, your value and/or self worth. There’s a butthole for that. 

Of course I didn’t always see it this way. I went through a stretch of disliking, and in some cases, loathing these people for a period of time. I would relive and replay all the ways they had wronged me, hurt me or taken advantage of me. Then that got kind of boring so I decided to reflect on their impact. I was able to take away valuable and insightful lessons that helped me to understand myself and the world a little bit better. And even if in most cases I learned maybe a little too late, I still learned. 

I’m not sure who coined the term serial monogamist, but I think that would describe my dating habits as well as any. I have dated enough to fully emerge myself in the experiences of various nuances of men on the butthole spectrum: 

There was the one that was so sweet and sensitive but turned out that his ‘sensitivity’ was actually a stealthy form of manipulation, and for bonus points, he was also a low-key misogynist racist. NBD. Then there was the passive aggressive who wanted time, love and attention but could not request this directly so he used the silent treatment to get his way and to avoid conversations he didn’t want to have. Then the ‘I-can’t-live-without-you, you’re-my-whole-world’ one that slowly got me to do everything for him because he needed me and I was ‘always so much better at it’ than he was. That was actually super clever. Well done. 

And then there was that one guy that when we broke up he called my home phone number 28 times in the middle of the night. And my cell phone 16 times. (No exaggeration here people. I’ve never seen anything like it.) And he left voicemails and texts that rom-coms base their desperate post-breakup characters off of - calling the first time just sad… the second one was more desperate. Then it was fiercely angry with horrendous name-calling. Then apologetic. Then sad again. And so on. I am absolutely one to indulge in the occasional hyperbole, but this was legit what happened. I suspect there are some deeper issues there. 

Anyway. If you get the chance to reflect on these experiences in an objective manner, you get to pull out all the skillsets that they left you with. In many of my own experiences it came down to me learning to honour my value, draw boundaries, and have more self-respect. 

If you get really keen on being objective, reflective and learning; you can also take away how you, yourself were a butthole. I am fully aware of the level 10 butthole I have been in certain circumstances (none of which will be listed today, because I know you think I’m perfect and I would hate to disillusion you). I also see the miscommunications that happened, and how things sort of got muttled, and therefore people got hurt unnecessarily. But hey, we’re all a little tougher now with a better sense of humour. Right? Or perhaps, the less desirable outcome, in which we’re all a little more jaded with a bitter sense of humour. Either way.

Each of the experiences with these buttholes (and my being the occasional butthole) really helped me to identify the man I chose to marry. They created this metaphorical checklist that I was able to go through. 

Oh, you do that thing where you twist everything up and have no responsibility for anything? … nah. No thanks. 

Ah yes, I am familiar with this technique. This is the avoid-it-until-she-gives-up technique. Nope. Next!

Hm, I am noticing how defensive and mean I get around you. I don’t like this version of me. Peace mofo, I’m out.   

As awful as it sounds, there was a period of time when I was dating the man that became my husband that I was practically waiting for him to do something ignorant. But he just never really did… Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like he’s perfect. It’s more that he’s accountable. He has his moments, and he’s the first to tell me he’s sorry, or that it’s not my fault or that he just needs a bit of time to figure something out. If he’s been a bit insensitive or I have felt hurt, I tell him. He listens to me and he always apologizes. (And he doesn’t say dumb stuff like: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or “Calm down it was only two fries!”)

My husband respects the shit out of me. It kills me that his mother has passed away because I always want to thank her for whatever she did to make him the man he is today (I do regularly thank his dad), and I want to take notes so I can one day raise a human to be so considerate and kind. 

He cherishes me. He makes me feel important to him. I feel valued, trusted and loved. 

I once told him about my insanely unreasonable fear of getting locked out of the house. That day (THAT DAY) he went to Home Depot and changed the deadbolt out for a mechanical deadbolt so I didn’t have to worry about losing my key. I didn’t ask him to do that, he just did. ‘Cause he’s awesome. 

He always cleans the kitchen if I cook. And often will help me clean the kitchen if he’s cooked. He does the laundry, he plans dates, and buys my favourite snacks when I’m PMS-y.  He also buys me flowers every time he comes home from a long stint at work. 

But most importantly, I can be all the weirdest versions of myself. He supports me with my experimenting, pushing boundaries and trying new  things. I am allowed to feel all my feelings, and I feel truly safe knowing that he’s not threatened by my experiencing emotions. My favourite part of our relationship is that neither of us holds the other one to blame when we are sad, upset or hurt. Even if it was their doing… we don’t say “You hurt me” … it’s “I’m hurt.” 

I know that we’ve only been together for a short time but this isn’t the first time I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years, and this one is different. At this point in previous relationships I am usually acutely aware of things that are making me feel stifled and uncomfortable, and simultaneously naively optimistic that all that garbage will get sorted out - and then it doesn’t, and maybe it lasts a few months more until it inevitably comes to a strained end. I’m just really grateful to be this far in and there’s no garbage. There’s effort, communication, and the occasional disagreement. But it’s pretty mellow. And I love that.

There’s a Buddhist quote that discusses finding your person, I’m going to paraphrase it because I can’t remember it and Google was NO help. It says something along the lines of: when you meet your life-partner it won’t be all sweaty palms, heart pounding and fireworks, instead, it will be this noticeable sense of calm. AKA it won’t be this dramatic hot/cold soap opera. I think we base our expectations of love on movies, TV and storybooks - which is a distorted adaptation of reality. It’s not to say you won’t get butterflies or nervous - sometimes I still do with Brin! But mostly he makes me feel ease. And it was like that from day one. Easy.

There are many people with a long dating history of failed relationships that will tell you there aren’t many good ones left. They’re the first to tell me that I really lucked out with how awesome Brinley is. Don’t worry all, I am well aware that my husband is straight-up the tits. But I want to get across something I feel is very important. I truly feel that I was able to identify my husband as someone to spend my life with because I reflected and learned from my past relationships. I was willing to look myself in the face and acknowledge where I needed to adjust and shift for my own personal growth; and I was able to very distinctly know what I wanted in the human being that would become my life-partner. I became so clear on this that I had decided I would rather be alone and happy by myself, than to settle for a relationship that only filled me up part way. 

Before I met Brinley I made a list. A list of qualities and traits that were all inspired by the previous relationships that I had experienced. It was a pretty detailed list. When I completed my list, I read through it, and my first thought was: “Wow. If this person exists. He’s a pretty remarkable person.” It made me reflect. If I find this incredible person, then I ought to be the most incredible version of myself that I can be. I ought to be willing to return these same qualities. It’s not terribly fair to ask someone for this level of investment if you’re not willing to come to the table with similar value. So I started doing my best to develop in my own areas, asking myself harder questions: Are you ready for your person? Truly. The person that you know you want. The one that is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Are you taking care of yourself? Are you comfortable being all of yourself? Are you responsible with your money? Are you brave enough to own your feelings and your mistakes? Are you able to stand up for yourself?  All of this inquiry gave me the motivation to invest in myself. To hold myself accountable to rise and expand on who I am. To acknowledge my value and observe my deficits with kindness and patience. 

So thank you, Buttholes. You were the reasons I was able to make that list. The reasons I knew exactly what I appreciated in a long-term relationship and the reasons I knew exactly what I didn’t need. You helped motivate me to step back and evaluate myself and acknowledge my various strengths and the I’m-working-on-them parts. You helped me to understand and appreciate what a truly incredible person Brinley is. Without the contrasting experiences of your Butthole-ism I may never have been able to fully appreciate the gift that my husband is. 

Thanks Buttholes. I only hope I was able to do the same for you. 

[isokonarian-blog]

He said he found heaven, In between my thighs. But there was no god. Just waves of pleasure, Bright, blinding colors, And brown skin. He said he loved the way I arched my back. So, on that curve he built the Milky Way. But, there were no stars. No celestial bodies. Just brown skin. My hands held him. My mouth spoke words, Without any words. I sang to him; Songs of him, And me. Of the heaven in between, and my brown, brown skin.