#things about Alyssa

[charmre]

Salt in my lungs, Holding my breath Making peace with my inevitable death I guess I did alright considering Tried to be a halfway decent friend Wound up a bad comedian An honest fool with more bad habits Than you can count

[manderleyfire]

I will do all this, I will get all this blood on my hands, and you are able to plead naivety.

[lady-green-sleeves]

It’s actually hilarious how freaked out people are over the whole Daemon dreamfucking his mom thing😂

Like don’t get me wrong I agree the writers are cowards and should have made him dreamfuck his brother instead but oh well we can’t win them all (or majority of them with this show)

I personally think it was funny and it’s even funnier the targ stans who have sm other incest ships and are grossed out by this and think it was too far

People who are fans of the incest show when the incest show has incest that’s not the specific flavor of incest that they wanted:

[trashlie]

I haven't talked Stalkyoo - or even ILY, period - in a LONG while here on tumblr and a lot of it had to do with the funk I was going through, the lack of energy I had and the inability to really gather my thoughts and force myself to be cohesive enough to actually put them down, but like I said, I've felt myself coming alive again, and with that, I've found myself falling back into my comfort zones of picking at ILY and the themes I love, the parallels, the juxtapositions, and yes, all the minute details that make Stalkyoo so special, what it is about them within the constraints of their universe that is so appealing.

We all know I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the purpose the Shinlyssa flashback serves, especially in serving to illustrate just how deeply Nol has hurt Shinae in doing to her what Alyssa had already done before, and why it's so significant that she is willing to forgive him and let him go at that time. As the story moves on from that night, we know that flashback inserted at that pont serves to help us better understand the things Alyssa doesn't reveal - the implication that she lives in an abusive home, that she is gay, that her desire to be popular is more about filling a psychological unmet need to be loved - as we watch her arc set up for the post-time skip second season.

But crucially, the flashback reinforces that Shinae fell for Nol for the same reason he fell for her: he made her feel special.

Shinae's trauma about her past with Alyssa, head injury aside, was that she didn't understand why. It was that Alyssa was special to her but she felt like Alyssa cast her aside, like the feeling wasn't mutual. Even regarding Rika and Maya, until she finally talked things out, she felt like she was just... there, that she didn't mean anything. Her mother left and took her sister and then what. Never calls, never writes, not even birthday cards or even a postcard??? Of course a child will feel like she was discarded, the unwanted one!

Shinae is so used to feeling like she is replaceable, easy to toss away and forget about, not worth a second thought or glance.

And then comes this earnest, handsome guy SO KEEN on getting under her skin, into her head, earning her friendship, and though it annoys her at first, he grows on her. She starts to VALUE it, his actions. She finds herself missing it when he changes and withdraws, aware of the change but uncertain of exactly what is different. As he pulls away she finds that she's the one doing the chasing now.

He made her feel like she's special. Like she matters. Like there is some kind of great value to her. How could she not fall for the person who made her feel seen when she was so used to blending in and taking up as little space as possible?

The juxtaposition of the Shinlyssa flashback set against Shinae and Nol's feelings finally bubbling to the surface is SO! GOOD!!!! Because Alyssa had such a lasting impact on Shinae! It was a ghost haunting her, following her into high school, clinging to her even when she met Nol. That hurt she carried, that scar she still hides, reminded her over and over how easy it was to discard her, how easy it was to throw her away.

And Nol proved to her (what we know to be true for Alyssa) that it isn't true, that she isn't, in fact, so easy to discard, that she is someone special, that she means something.

To insert the flashback that reinforces why Shinae believed herself so easy to discard on the cusp of Shinae and Nol's feelings for each other finally bubbling to the surface is to reinforce exactly how these two fell for each other in the first place: in the shadows where no one was paying attention, they saw each other, and they cared.

And GOD it's so SO SO beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺😭💕

[maxine-fucking-minx]

please don't ever worry

I know it's morbid

but we all die one day

[kingcunny]

how do you think viserys's reign would change if alyssa didn't die from childbirth and survived to see her son get crowned and become queen mother? would she have terrorized him into making decisions that appealed to her, up to including the succession issue and his choice of second marriage?

i think alyssa wouldve *tried* to keep control over viserys, and for the most part, day to day has him pretty wrapped around her finger. but as for the Big decisions, he is *king* now, and outranks her.

regarding viserys marriages, i think alyssa wouldve pushed for him being married to rhaenys. the throne was supposed to go to her, it keeps everything in the family. wraps it up in a neat bow. but after getting shot down for that, i think she would accept aemma as a counter offer. alyssa likes the idea of having her sisters daughter close, and ‘safe’ and at ‘home’… so obviously her death, in the exact same way her mother, alyssas sister, died… is very hard for her. she lashes out at viserys, blames him for what happened. even though alyssa was Also consistently putting pressure on the Both of them to have a male heir,…

viserys naming rhaenyra his heir would ‘fix’ things between him and his mother i think. alyssas whole problem with viserys was an he was an *embarassment* he wasnt *worthy* of carrying on his fathers name, thats why alyssa was pushing so hard for an heir that Would be worthy of her *sweet, brave, dead* brother. viserys might not have gone about it in the most traditional way, but he *did* in the end, give her a heir.

alyssa wouldve swept rhaenyra up to raise as her own. completely disregarding both viserys and daemon. and while i think viserys marriage to alicent *would* spark another fight between them, (alyssa wouldve wanted him to marry laena, for the same reasons as rhaenys) as long as viserys continues to support rhaenyra as his heir *hard look at her son* hes the king, he can make whatever dumb decisions he likes.

i dont think, in the end, things would change all that much. im of the opinion the ‘seeds of the dance’ were sown long before viserys. alyssa being alive during her sons reign just changes characterization and *how* things happen. but not *what* happens.

[ride-thedragon]

I used to love Baelon and Alyssa until I realized that if, as a child, someone told me I was 'made for someone', how deeply that would affect me.

Then he's the father of Daemon and Viseyrs. Like the incestous, put Rhaenyra between us, weird brothers.

He never stood a chance, babies. He's the reason Rhaenys didn't sit the throne.

Y'all wanted him to be Maekar so bad, and I was never sure that he didn't sleep with Viserra, so.....

[radiantlestat]

finally reading iwtv and ???

why did none of y’all warn me about book!louis???

[aceofthyme]

professor wants to talk to me in class about my student disability accommodations and i’m. kind of worried? like. you got an entire letter explaining them, from the student disability center, and these conversations are supposed to happen with my counselor present…

[primordial0riginator]

HONESTLY getting a job is going to fix me

[oblako]

it's just. i keep thinking about how rand and yujing went through all this trouble to cover their tracks and hide nol from yui, even to the point of not taking the company car, giving jayce false information, paying off security, and not letting kousuke bring his phone (in case it's being tracked). and then alyssa leads her right to nol's hospital room like it's nothing. "you guys are family!" girl she wants him dead. my god.

[lazy-plankton89]

the mother in evil dead rises>>>>>>

[philomaela]

"She aims much higher, our Viserra.I have seen the way she preens and prances around Baelon. That is the husband she desires, and not for love of him. She wants to be the queen."

When I read this at first I was like... no Alysanne that was Saera (she wanted be a queen "like mother") you're reading this situation wrong because you're paranoid after Saera. Also Baelon isn't even the crown prince, Aemon is... and he already has a daughter who is presumably his heir. But then I thought a little more about it and tbh everything I previously said still holds, but also I think there's one more big thing.

So, Baelon and Alyssa are constantly compared to Jaehaerys and Alysanne. Alysanne herself makes that comparison when she's arguing for them to be wed. It's not insane to think that Alysanne saw her own marriage in Baelon and Alyssa. Which is funny because personality wise, Alyssa is not at all similar to Alysanne. But it doesn't matter, Baelon and Alyssa are an elder brother and younger sister in love, they're a perfect match. I wonder if it felt like righting a past wrong when Alysanne arranged their match? They're destined to be together just like Jaehaerys and herself, and this time the adults recognize it right away.

So when Alyssa dies and Viserra starts looking at Baelon as a potential husband (something that is relatively reasonable behavior in this family tbh)... maybe this stings Alysanne. Baelon replacing Alyssa with another sister? Wouldn't that be like Jaehaerys replacing Alysanne? Is Alysanne replaceable... one sister... why not another? IDK I think she's conflating this situation with her marriage and that's where the queen line comes in. I think just like how the Saera situation was damaging to Jaehaerys's self image, the idea of Baelon and Viserra marrying was damaging to Alysanne's self image.

In part perhaps because while she could look at her own marriage through the "pureness" of Alyssa and Baelon's love... Viserra is kind of a less generous view (from Alysanne's own POV) of Alysanne's past actions. Viserra "prances and preens", while Alyssa simply "chases after", Baelon; Which one could Alysanne be accused of with Jaehaerys? Viserra has no love of Baelon, she just has ambitions, so she's not like Alysanne, who loved Jaehaerys. Alysanne didn't do it for ambition... it's not that she wanted to be queen, but Jaehaerys was meant to be king and Alysanne would be a good queen regardless. Alysanne wanted to see herself in Alyssa, maybe she realized she could see herself in Viserra too and that hurt.

Which is what makes it sad that she ultimately tries to do to Viserra what was done to her. She arranges an unwanted marriage for her daughter and her daughter responds by trying to do what her mother did all those years ago. I think Viserra's way of going about it, lying naked in Baelon's bed and getting drunk (was she nervous, trying to get her courage up?) shows that there wasn't actually any trust between her and Baelon. She was trying to obligate him to help her, he has no love for her specifically, so if she just tells him her fears he won't intervene (why would he? his father even pointed out marriage is the Queen's domain and Baelon is a dutiful son). But if he compromises her... well he's honorable, he'll marry her. But of course, he's honorable enough that he merely sends her away. There's no one to help her, all she can hope for is a night of laughter before she freezes. See Alysanne? You've proved your point, Viserra and you aren't the same after all.

[spurgie-cousin]

ok I'm watching Alyssa & Katie's pregnancy Q&A here's what stuck out or what I just want to bitch about:

1. Weirdest craving: Alyssa's was bbq chips on a sandwich, which Katie said 'ew', and her's was spicy 'Ray-man' (Ramen) noodles with peanut butter M&Ms (way grosser imho than chip sandwiches, which actually sound good). In a later question they say they both have been craving Little Cesar's pizza and crazy bread.

2. Most unexpected thing about pregnancy/postpartum: both agree that they had no idea how constipated they'd be from the medications they have to take lol. Katie is so embarrassed admitting this that he ears turn red and says she starts sweating (oh my sweet summer child). Alyssa says for postpartum it was just all the pain and soreness that lingers for so long.

3. One thing that's not talked about that you wish you were prepared for: Katie says she wasn't prepared for so much interrupted sleep during pregnancy, she expected her sleep issues to begin after the baby was born. Alyssa says post partum, she had crazy night sweats that she was not at all anticipating.

4. Hardest thing to give up while pregnant: Alyssa says sex, especially in your first trimester when you're nauseous, she says that's when she has the hardest time doing the deed and misses it. Katie turns bright red and says "I can't believe you said that!", I say hell yea Alyssa for admitting you miss the D. Katie gets too embarrassed to even answer.

5. How to deal with stretch marks: Alyssa says she doesn't worry about it so much because she believes them to be genetic (I'm inclined to agree with her but not sure tbh). Katie says she just rubs herself down with every product she can find every night just in case one of them works lol.

6. Worst part of postpartum: Alyssa again says that she misses getting some on the regular which, kudos to her libido tbh. I mean I get it, those hormone fluctuations have to suck when you can't act on them lol, Katie is again visibly uncomfy of course (on one hand I get why, on the other it's not like Alyssa is going into vivid detail or anything but whatever).

7. (Just for Katie) What has been the most surprising part of pregnancy for you?: Katie literally says that she was surprised pregnancy wasn't more..............glamorous. Which I find to just be an absolutely absurd thing for someone who's known so many pregnant women to say, like do they all really communicate this little about what it's actually like??? She actually says that she thought it was going to be all cute bump photos and outfits and now that she's sick and struggles to put on makeup most mornings she's having a rude awakening like, I'm sorry I know she's young and ignorant but this has to be one of the most completely ignorant things I've heard any of them say. If there's anything these bozos should at least be partial experts on its babies and pregnancy, and none of Katie's sisters have had 'glamorous' pregnancies?? That one got me riled up lol.

8. (For Alyssa) if this is going to be your last pregnancy, how do you plan to prevent other pregnancies in the future?: She isn't sure and says she's still looking into her options for now. She cuts her answer short by saying this question might actually be a little too personal which ??? you just mentioned your (apparently vigorous) sex life not once but twice and I don't get how that's any less personal, especially in your corner of the Christian universe, but ok (I guess maybe baby prevention could really be that much more taboo than even openly talking about sex).

9. A pregnant follower who's afraid of tearing asks Alyssa if she's ever experienced it: Alyssa says yes, esp with her first baby she had to get stitches. Katie says tearing and aftercare are her worst fears along with pooping during birth. Alyssa says she's also afraid of pooping and it's happened to her once so far (don't get me wrong I love that she's being so candid but again how is this less personal than birth control).

10. Is sex weird when you're pregnant?: Alyssa is again the only one that answers, Katie gets red and looks away from the camera (oh c'mon Katie). Alyssa says yes, when you're 9 months pregnant and huge sometimes you gotta get creative (that made me lol).

11. Is it normal for husbands and wives (in their world I'm assuming) to talk about the details of pregnancy?: Alyssa says it depends, and that some guys aren't as interested as others or maybe only overhear stuff that sisters are discussing with each other. Katie says she feels like she can talk openly with Travis about everything so far (which at first I was like great!), Alyssa jokes that Travis can watch this video to help prepare him. Katie says "omg no I'd be too embarrassed!!" and my previous optimism about their open communication deflates lol. At this point I'm like ok, I mean this in the nicest of ways but grow up tf Katie. Alyssa's mentioned MARRIED sex in the *vaguest* of terms and you haven't said anything even remotely scandalous (unless you count poop as scandalous), that shouldn't be embarrassing in front of your hubs of all people girl!!

12. How did you know you were ready to start having kids?: Alyssa says she doesn't know if she ever felt 100% ready and that she's not sure if that's even something that's possible (I agree!). She adds that as long as the circumstances are good, you can afford it, you're in a good place with your partner, and you're otherwise as prepared as you can be, just go for it if you know it's something you want for yourself (Katie doesn't answer but nods).

13. How do you avoid repeating baby names in such a large family?: Both Alyssa and Katie say repeating names or having similar names isn't something the family really worries about, because it's understood that with so many people, you're bound to run into duplicates or similarities at some point. They both seem very nonchalant about it and I wish all the people who think similar-sounding baby names cause big drama in their families could hear that lol.

14. Do you get annoyed when people touch your pregnant belly?: Both say no if it's family or good friends, but that they don't really like being touched by strangers or acquaintances as much and I'm totally with them there. I think it's weird as hell to just touch a stranger's stomach without consent. Katie says she's not comfortable telling people not to touch her though, so when it happens she just kind of stands there with a strained smile (aw).

15. Baby item that you don't think is useful or is silly: Alyssa says baby wipe warmer lol, which is always something I've thought is silly so it's good to have that confirmation. She says you're grabbing wipes on the run so much that it's not worth it to get your kids used to warm wipes bc they'll just freak out when they have to be changed elsewhere with cold ones. Katie says she has one on her registry and shopped for a long time to find the exact right one 😂

Overall I thought the video was super cute and entertaining, I love the dynamic between Alyssa and Katie where they're kind of polar opposites but really good friends. I really appreciated Alyssa's answers more than I expected, I think she's just gotten to that phase of life where she realizes it's silly to be uptight about things that are just facts of life and I can appreciate that.

Katie mentions being uncomfortable again in their sign-off and says that she talked about things in this video that she usually doesn't even talk to her sisters about, which again makes me a little sad bc I really hoped they'd be closer and more open than that (hopefully she's just saying for youtube because she's embarrassed and shy). I just think if that's true and she can't talk to her sisters about sex or bodily functions or pregnancy who can she talk to about that stuff, ya know? Travis I would hope, but she kinda kibosh'd that as well. They end with Alyssa promising they'll do it again, and that Katie won't be so bashful next time 😂

[trashlie]

hey this is lil anon again :3 listen we're all so feral about the latest fp episode can i just talk about it some more please and dump my thoughts here bc oh my god so many thoughts 🙏🏾 you can leave my other, longer ask in your inbox for now if you want to it's totally fine bc sdhfgdhfjksdhfk FERAL

PLEASE it is actually soooo funny how maya asks such a simple question: "why is he your friend?" - and shinae just explodes and goes off at the him in her head HISS GROWL I WANT YOU AND IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU THEN YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE ANYTHING OF MINE and maya just stares at her in shock and disbelief like: 😶😶😶. and you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. how can she possibly put nol and what he means to her and what she feels for him into words??? something something if i loved you less i might be able to talk about it more. shinae is so intense and bold and fiery I LOVE THAT SOOOOOO MUCH and tbh compared to shinae, nol is handling his feelings like a champ actually 😹 like at least the tiger hasn't bitten anyone (yet) LMAOOOOOOO he's been holding back a lot, trying his best to stay composed, mortified by his desire to kiss her because how dare he even *think* about that. it's the same intensity, the same feelings at the same time but he's very in his head, meanwhile shinae - the feral little cat - is just completely unhinged and off the rails. it's incredible. poor girl, all these new feelings and realizations hitting her all at once and she's understandably SO ANGRY that she can NOT control it and go back to normal, that he's making her such a mess, passed out on the bed bc it was all too much for her to handle.

you know, before 235 i thought their meeting would be… on the soft/sweet/wholesome(?) side bc of the new shyness and nervousness and vulnerability that comes with these realizations, maybe a through the door conversation without directly facing each other (like i mentioned in my longer ask), but we've kinda had that with the balcony "you're special to me" scene, right. so idk maybe shinae will just storm in there a fiery raging whirlwind of emotions and be all like how DARE you steal my heart and then try to get rid of me and run away, you asshole. IF YOU WON'T GIVE ME BACK MY HEART, THEN I NEED YOU TO BE MINE!!!!! it sounds so dramatic but seeing what all this is doing to shinae, how it brings out the fiery bold possessive assertive side in her, who knows??? she's for sure not letting go without leaving her claw marks on him. as she should.

and YES YES it's def both jealousy and insecurity. i didn't expect it to come up as part of her realization simply bc it wasn't on my mind tbh, but it works so well as part of the ✨realization process✨!! if just platonic then you don't get jealous and insecure, then it (typically) doesn't matter if/who they're dating. but if you can't stomach them being with anyone else but you, if you want them all to yourself, then sorry but that is NOT "friends". and there's definitely a comment here to be made about how alyssa isn't just some random hot girl, she's an idol and as such she embodies what's conventionally attractive and desirable, smth smth beauty standards patriarchy society. and she leaves nol cold but shinae still can't help but become hyperaware of it all bc everything you said ;; i can't get over the "timing" of this scene either bc we see shinae crying happy tears and for a moment she's forgotten her drama but then BAM suddenly there's gorgeous glamorous idol alyssa dancing on stage, and nol is there, looking at her, and they're both at this elite event in this world that shinae is simply not a part of. and. smth smth alyssa being a good dancer nol being a good dancer meanwhile shinae has two left feet. it's like the universe is laughing at her, telling her "she is all that and you aren't, she can have him and you don't". and as if it's not enough, of course it's the girl who gave her all this trauma. of course. how can it not sting her how can she not become insecure honestly ;; i too would immediately lose my appetite :<

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔) i also wonder a little bit if not nol himself could (unintentionally of course) play into shinae's insecurity… especially in this initial stage bc like. he's a conventionally attractive dude; tall, handsome, nice smile, he's charming, he's got a rich dad too. shinae isn't stupid she's very aware of this. she's noticed how women reacted to him at the formal. one of them even commented that "he's way out of her league" or smth like that when she saw them together (which :/// shallow rich people talk 🙄)… and when it's friendship then you don't care, and she didn't care back then, and rationally she knows nol is not shallow like that, that she really shouldn't worry about such things, but when you're so young, inexperienced, have low self-esteem, are in such an emotional state, then suddenly you start questioning yourself on this shallow level. why would someone with his looks and money be interested in me, when he could have (and does have) an "alyssa-level" girl? sure he might like me as a friend but would he ever want me like that? it's like when you're crushing on the hot guy you've been friendly with and suddenly become all too aware of the hot girl that all the boys (and girls) have their eyes on. you just can't help but be aware that you're simply not her :/ yeah i think. she's going to need affirmation and reassurance re: what alyssa is/was to him, but i think more importantly, she'd need it about herself, what he likes about her, how he feels about her, that he doesn't want anyone else, that she *is* beautiful in her own way even if she doesn't see it herself, and then she'll hopefully grow more confident from it ~

-feral lil anon 😼

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm so sorry it took me all day to get to this response! I could NOT pull my brain together and kept getting distracted and having more feral breakdowns about Stalkyoo alfkajkfjkafjkafjka lmao and then I had to cry about my babies performing tonight and I have been through EMOTIONS but also ALSO I LOVE THIS MESSAGE SO MUCH I'm gonna do my best to do it justice because you ABSOLUTELY bring up things I also want to yell more about!!!!

There's something SO funny to me about how much Nol and Shinae mirror each other. That we now can tell they started to fall for each other at the same time and it just kept growing, that it's on the SAME DAY that they're becoming aware of these feelings, in much the same way - yknow, being so embarrassed to have FEELINGS lmao. But YES Nol does a much better job containing it at all. I want to say it's probably because he's so used to hiding everything, holding things in, but we also know he came so very close to just biting Shinae before he kicked her out lmao and it's not like Shinae hasn't also been decent at pretending things aren't wrong, but MAN she's so beyond her breaking point at this stage, isn't she lmaooooooo She CAN'T contain it - it's too big, too loud, too messy, so carnal. She's been trying for so long to keep shoving it into this box it doesn't fit and it just keeps growing bigger and bigger and spilling out. Something so funny to me about her is that Shinae.... like she kinda externalizes a lot and I'm trying to figure out how to explain this because clearly she isn't good at telling people about her problems, but as a result of being alone so much she talks through her thoughts out loud, to Lil Buddy, so of course for this she NEEDED to externalize to Maya. Because yes, it's so messy, it's spilling out everywhere and the more she tries to make sense of it the bigger a mess she makes and Maya really DID have to put it in words for her. I know I said I wanted Shinae to come to the conclusion without anyone else saying it but I still love how this played out because she still said, OF HER OWN FREE WILL, "If I can't have you" LIKE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But also we know that Shinae just has an EFFECT on Nol and while he's doing a good job keeping things at bay, all things considered, I think the moment she goes back to his hospital room it's all gonna just be.... *sweeps papers off the desk* lmao

Another tangential thought I've had is that neither of them have really gotten to BE teenagers. Nol is forever having to play a game of making sure he doesn't make too many waves, doesn't get noticed. Likewise, Shinae has had to be the good girl while her dad is always busy working, not get into trouble, take care of herself, get good grades. Maya goes on to remind us, too, that Shinae didn't even HAVE any social experiences beyond what happened in middle school, just. Rolls with things stopped making friends. There's so many teenager moody things that they've largely missed out on and we're seeing so much of that come bubbling out. Yes, Shinae's moodiness is mostly because girl is CRANKY she hasn't slept she hasn't eaten and she's scaling the walls trying to figure out why she thinks her friend is pushing her away (he's not) and what she has to do to make him stay (figure out feelings) and she's just SO frustrated it all spills out. Relatable. I, too, become an awful monster when I haven't slept LMAO but it's just SO nice to see them have this moment? Get to be selfish and moody and a little bratty when they have spent so long trying to just be good and get by. Let them have a tantrum or three, it's fine!

Also LITERALLY SAME. I thought Shinae would realize her feelings, maybe balk at them, hide away for a day, try to deny them, then become determined and go back to him but too shy to look him in the eyes to face him, yes maybe talk through the door so this was SUCH a surprise but YEAH YOU ARE RIGHT! They already had that tender shy little moment. Now they can just be. Feral lmaooooooo listen idc how corny it is I'm exploring EVERY possibility I can, writing half-baked fic moments in my head. I want Shinae to wake up and go in guns BLAZING I want her to say dumb things she doesn't stop to think about FINE IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF MY THINGS what are you talking about I SAID YOU'RE A THIEF AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON GIVE ME BACK MY THINGS something something there's one thing he can't give back something something you're a thief, too alkfjkfjFKAFKJAKJF SCREAMS I need Nol to just say something SO blunt that makes her stop in her tracks aljakfjkafjafjk lmao I need her confessing in every which way but the words again, until he's standing too close SCREAMS

idk idk idk however it goes I know I'm going to love it because they just are going at it with such equal energy and I'm PRETTY SURE Dieter is going to talk to Nol while Shinae sleeps so maybe that will give Nol the conviction to say what he couldn't, now that Shinae has figured out the answer to "why isn't because friends" enough. Actually, more than anything, I want Nol to end up in the kind of position where he blurts something out without thinking or he acts on his feelings just BLINDLY because I just need him to see that he can't keep running from things and pretending and that Shinae is someone he cannot resist so make the right choices, boy. I need him to understand how much he wants her and deserves to ACT ON THAT ALFJKAFLJAFAJFLKJAFJF RRRRRRRRR FRRTFTT GROWL HISSSSSSSSS

but alfjakfjkfajfka THE INSECURITIES GET TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE because YES at the end of the day it's not just anyone. It's ALYSSA. The very person who gave Shinae her trauma, the person who GAVE HER HER ACTUAL SCAR. It's not the first time Shinae has envied something of Alyssa, either - Alyssa with her warm, beautiful mom and her big home and all her opportunities and her family so suffocating by being parents, Alyssa with her many talents with her intelligence. I really REALLY like the point, too, that it's not just Nol looking at Nol, it's Nol at that party in a world that Shinae is not a part of, doesn't belong to. Logic doesn't stand much against insecurity and jealousy or else she'd be able to remind her that Nol doesn't much like the world he technically belongs to, that Alyssa doesn't make him happy. Somewhere in her jealousy she sees the way she measures to Alyssa in these shallow ways and it hurts to come up short like that! AND RIGHT the girls at the gala saying Nol is out of her league! Shinae is like... aware that Nol is handsome (she literally said VERY handsome) but most of the time it doesn't seem to be a thing she thinks about - mostly because she hasn't really openly thought about him in a romantic way. But now that she's got these feral feelings about trying to keep him and have him and know him and see all the parts of him that he hides from her, she's facing the reality of how she looks to others, compared to him, compared to Alyssa. Sangchul has even implied it a couple times - Nol has a hot idol girlfriend so what is it about Shinae that's so special why is he hung up on her, what does she do that can possibly be better than a hot idol girlfriend.

And if there's something I love it, it's the tender unfurling petals of first love and the insecurity and jealousy that blooms with it, that ache that you aren't good enough that you can't possibly compare, because it leads to the REASSURANCES. Nol has SO many reasons to prefer Shinae, so many reasons to have fallen for her. I REALLY feel like we'll have a callback to that day Shinae asked Nol why Dieter might like to date her, when he told her he has a couple reasons in mind. Like... self consciousness and feeling inadequate is an awful feeling but I LOVE how it can be used in text, because also right: IF PLATONIC WHY FEEL LIKE THIS? Jealousy can be a useful device when it's not toxic and in this case it's someone like Shinae who has never really been made to feel like she's special, who has never seen anything in herself, realizing that she has fallen SO HARD for her friend who has a bombshell girlfriend and is super handsome and himself and comes from this elite world of affluent people. But there's also so much Shinae doesn't know about him yet, either, so much she hasn't had a chance to digest about him. She's seeing things at face value but I need him to tell her to her face that she makes him feel a kind of peace that NOTHING else does, that he cannot help but gravitate to her, that she's LITERALLY made his life worth living. Remind her that even though he was trying to avoid her, he failed SO miserably. Nol didn't get to tell Shinae at the party what he likes about her and DAMNIT I WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!!!!!! Especially because we've seen Shinae's POV of him at this poignant moments, I want to hear from Nol's mouth what he likes about her, the way he sees her. Like her, does he feel like clouds part when she's near, does she make all of the noise quiet for the moment? Does he find himself wanting her to notice more, wanting to steal more of those private moments where they open to each other?

I WANT TO HEAR IT SO BADLYYYYYYYYYYY and I want her to know that she doesn't have to compare herself to Alyssa, that there's no one in that world who has ever caught his attention the way she has. That no amount of money could make anyone from that society better than her. That it's not about any of that - it's about what she makes him feel. Just as much as Nol has had such an impact on Shinae, we've seen it in Nol. I agree that it's far too soon for her to know that he's literally still alive because of her lmao (that's just so much it's so overwhelming!!!!) but there are other ways she's impacted his life. When he told her he really hoped she'd get the job working with them, I think he meant it. Life was more interesting with her in it, he wanted to be around her more before Yui reminded him of what she does.

Like idk to me that insecurity is such a quintessential aspect of puberty and teenage years and first love. That rush of trying to see how others perceive you and the reassurance that comes from the person you like? GOD. And especially for people like Nol and Shinae, who have felt so invisible, so underappreciated, who have never really been made to feel special, having this with each other just LKFJAJKFJAFKAFKAFJLJAFLKJFKf

Also don't think I haven't forgotten about Yujing complimenting Shinae, or that moment when Nol made her laugh during her dance with Kousuke. How he was literally right in her face doing her make up and how it just augmented how pretty she already is. While I don't think he probably has that conscious thinking of it - gee golly Shinae sure is pretty because you know.... *gestures vaguely at his life* i SO BADLY want him to tell her that ;A; that she's beautiful ;A; like to be fair I think something about Stalkyoo that is SO well done is that it's all so deeply based on connection and the way those feelings developed as a result, as opposed to attraction first, but especially in the light of Shinae feeling so jealous and insecure, I want him to saaaaayyyyyyyy iiiiiiiiiiiiit. I want him to tell her how pretty she is when she laughs and lights up, what a beautiful smile she has and that he wants to be the one who makes her smile more I WANT THE CHEESY FUCKING SHIT DAMNIT I DON'T CARE I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND OTHERWISE ALKJAKFJKAFKJAFJKAFAFKJLKJAF SCALES THE WALL SCURRIES ACROSS MY CEILING AND STARTS CHEWING THROUGH MY CEILING FAN

I want him to reassure that there is not ONE way she pales against someone like Alyssa, that she is worth so much more to him ;A; howls

I WANT HIM TO TOUC HER FACE WITH HIS BIG STUPID HANDS AND BRUSH HIS THUMB ACROSS HER CHEEK AGAIN AND CONFESS THAT HE IS SO MISERABLY INCAPABLE OF RESISTING HER AND THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY COMPARE BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM FEEL SO SEEN, FEEL LIKE HE MATTERS, NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER MADE HIM WANT TO BREAK HIS OWN RULES

JUST SCREAMING INTO THE NIGHT

also ;A;

(there's also the juxtaposition of shinae being surrounded by unconditional love, a supportive family, in a peaceful home where she can be raw and messy, fully accepted as she is, bags under her eyes and snot on her face and all; meanwhile alyssa is all glammed up, on the tv screen, putting on a performance for strangers that will only ever love her conditionally, that will never know the real her, is in a group that doesn't like her, is in an unsafe environment, surrounded by people who prey on girls like her, no one by her side 😔💔)

tHAT SHIT HURTED THAT SHIT HURTED ;____________;

Alyssa my tragic, messy girl ;A; I can't help but love the tragedy of her, I can't help but be so invested. The way Shinae and Alyssa have been foiled against each other and how I know we will continue to see this. There's something about... yknow like Alyssa doesn't have FEELINGS for Nol, but I think Nol going from Alyssa to Shinae is SO poignant in a painful way. Alyssa's former crush!!!!! I think in much the same way as we're going to see Nol become all the things Kousuke feared, we're going to see that in Alyssa and Shinae. Like... imagine being Alyssa and watching someone like Shinae capture Nol's attention, capture Yui's attention, capture Kousuke's attention. It's because she's so sincere and faces confrontation head on that people take notice of her, but that's something Alyssa has never really been able to learn. She puts on a brave face like Shinae told her, but she can't do the rest of it. She's so terrified of this secret she holds, of what she is and what people will think of her, and she continues to put on a persona to keep it at bay. Meanwhile I think we're going to watch Shinae walk a path Alyssa never could - find her own success by being authentic and true to herself, not having to live in that shell, that mask. Shinae will do everything Alyssa has never been able to do. ;_______;

And yeah, that juxtaposition makes Shinae's insecurity all the more intriguing to explore because she's so insecure about these shallow things, but Alyssa is insecure about the things that DO matter, the things that make Shinae special, and make Alyssa so forgettable.

;_____________________________________;

gonna go sob now HECK

[greenpaths]

my partner is playing through a soulsborne game again which means I can respect a reply back from them every 2-5 business days and it's the funniest thing every time