#theyre all open...... i dont care......... people are allowed to make things out of them...................

[short-and-ugly]

coughs coughs hacks

[orange-orchard-system]

top 5 tips for someone who is pretty sure theyre a system but dont know anything about their alters or plurality?

If I tried to order all my tips in order of recommendation we'd be here forever as I reorganize them endlessly, so I'm just going to give you the first five tips that come to my mind.

Don't push yourself to figure everything out immediately! It's fine and perfectly normal for self-discovery to take time. And you don't want to rush anything that might require delicate work, like the possibility of trauma that's been tucked away somewhere or conflict between alters just becoming aware of each other. As interesting as questioning would be as a speedrun category, you sadly cannot speedrun figuring out who you are and how your life may be changed in response to something like this.

Decide for yourself how you feel about roles and labels. You can have a billion of them, you can have none of them, you can make your own, you can have ones that seem "contradictory" at first glance, you can have super specific ones, you can have the vaguest ones known to mankind. Don't let anyone tell you how you should or should not feel about roles or labels.

Keep a journal! It can help so much to have something outside of your head to keep track of everything. Something you did was oddly plural? You feel this way about something whereas you felt this other way about it earlier? You think you might not be a system after all but enjoyed the introspection anyway? It's all there for you to get out of your system (no pun intended)!

Similarly to the last one, use a template to create profiles for your maybe-alters. You can branch outside of this later, but early on, when you're trying to figure out who everyone is and what you're doing, it can help a lot to have a clear-cut list of questions to answer (or pass on). And remember to include something silly or fun as one of the questions so it's not all super serious and intimidating!

If it turns out you are plural... don't neglect intrasystem bonding and your overall system health. It's easy to get caught up in how things are going in the meatspace; how you're going to balance your life out here, but... you all need and deserve some time and space to be yourselves, too. Accommodate for individual expression where you can. Organize bonding activities with your alters. Be polite to them. Don't push them to be open about themselves if they're not ready or berate them for not perfectly masking if they can't. Even if you don't see each other as individual people, you each have all of a person's needs for individuality and respect. Allow them to be themselves. Allow yourself to be yourself. And don't be afraid to care about each other. That's how you build a healthy system, like how you'd build any other kind of healthy community.

I hope these tips help!

[spiders-notagain]

Misc Headcanons

[Stuff I don't know how to make its own post]

legendary lost city buried under the sand somewhere; minecraft buried cities style

cliff cities- used to be a big fortress now just used for daily living

mostly specific monasteries

extremely good water recycling system- technology to make water out of hydrogen and oxygen in the air

if breakfasts are things that are easy to obtain then plomeek must be obtained regularly (e.g. grown throughout the year, incredibly hardy plants)

valley cities- alderaan style

shikahr historically very good land, less earthquakes and harsh conditions

large areas of the planet irradiated by radiation and theres not much they can do about it, no ones allowed to go there without special protection

some areas that are civilized have been ruined by their ancestors and are only just starting to restore its natural state

no birthdays but some places have a quincenera coming of age equivalent * sometimes in addition to the kahs-wan and taloth trials

Vulcans are pretty direct and so an acceptable form of making friends (although its really more like conversation partners) is to go up to a person and tell them that you share an interest and would like to talk about it. This is no guarantee youll ever interact again though.

Vulcan has a lot of jobs that are restricted to native citizens

Need mental contact to survive as babies the same way humans require touch

Tight knit families heralding from olden days. Almost mafia like in its web of connections. Additionally, alliances with certain clans meant status and power.

Alot of infighting between clans in the earlier days also

Similar to Ant colonies underground

Buildings have sections above and below ground

Above ground, buildings protected from sandstorms. Few windows, more doors. The less open to the elements the better.

Sehlats were tamed more recently than dogs, usually they would offer protection to the vulcans in exchange for food

Black and brown hair extremely common, genes for blond or red hair extremely rare

Early books made out of leather and a cotton-like fiber

later books made out of stone paper

Water very rare, lots of it is a sign of wealth.

Given the newness of logic, theyre not very good at it and struggle to apply it in day to day life. Additionally theyre good at lying to themselves about what emotion they may or may not have

Multiple different sects bc everyone has a different opinion on whats logical

Some are better adjusted than others because some try their absolute best to

Very preppy- high ego, strong social classes, pretentious, hide any faults, care alot about their reputation, fear being ostracized in their own community, many social rules

vulcans generally prefer to keep humans away from their sehlats because humans try to be overly affectionate with them and end up severely harmed

Vulcans get hit with winter depression even harder than other species but deal with it better. Their own ships are set up to have sun lamps all over the ship.

vulcans view mental illnesses with the same seriousness as physical ones.

not only can vulcans pass on mental disorders to their children but also strong phobias (and some philias) even those obtained through later trauma

typically mothers during pregnancy thought to occur during the mental bond

the prenatal mental bond can pass on memories as well but are typically suppressed till adulthood. its more of a folk wives tale thats corroborated enough that most people agree but technically had little proven evidence until recently

vulcans think murder by drowning is one of the worst most senseless murders ever

vulcans be like  🤓☝️well actually-

vulcan school systems dont have an above and beyond grade because the highest possible grade to get is by default you meeting the acceptable standards. that said, they do have extra awards given out for such behavior. although acceptable standards by vulcan standards is somewhat higher than is what is the case for human standards

vulcan kids still do the same 'kid logic' thing as humans because theyre trying to reason and understand the world using the logical reasoning skills being taught to them but they dont have enough information to make it accurate

Vulcan vegetables are bred to have a higher concentration of nutrients, a project that has been in development for the thousand some years since the awakening

passive cooling methods going back thousands of years; more advanced than human technologies

windcatcher like structures built to incorporate: the structure of the house, local weather, local geographical phenomena, etc.

heavily populated cities may have hybrid cooling systems that are integrated with modern technology to increase efficiency, this is less common in more rural areas where ppl are more likely to be 'if it aint broke dont fix it'. in most cases though they were so well designed that not much is needed aside from general maintenance

depending on the location, most vulcan homes are designed with the concept that a bedroom is exclusively for sleep and like wardrobe changing. you dont usually engage in hobby activities, doing those in a separate entertainment room or in the equivalent living room

like the rest of their society, vulcans incorporate more circles into their architectural designs than humans do and less squares than humans do

glass art is one of the oldest vulcan art forms. their planetary conditions work very well for it: lots of sand, high heat. and its an art that features alot of mathematically appealing shape language

ex. those curvy glass vases with the holes, floor mosaics with tinted glass, stained glass windows, suncatchers, etc.

in ancient times, betrothal jewelry (and other ceremonial purposes) were made partly with copper wire crafted from the blood of their enemies. some of these pieces (and spare wires) still exist. Vulcan clans that still practice this, obtain the blood ethically from dead animals (or in extremely rare occasions, consenting dead relatives)

STARSHIPS

Constructed so that every system is at max efficiency when used exactly perfectly how its meant to.

Its interlocking systems mean that it has millions of tiny unobtrusive glitches that can happen to the point where one can reasonably predict based on the type of glitch exactly what deeper system is failing and why

While it has normal passwords it mostly relies on each person to have their own special bioelectric pattern that is measured each time a user touches the console in order for them to input anything at all

They dont like outsiders on their ships as crew because they make tiny mistakes that while easily fixable, can mess up major systems

Sun lamps all over the ship as natural lighting, they gradually turn off according to the vulcan solar cycle and are replaced by a secondary lighting system that mimics candlelight. Although its kinda dark for humans its just fine for vulcans

Because of the size of their ships, they often have really large 'halls' that take up multiple decks and serve as visual space for the different wings connected to them

the vulcan warp rings compared to the human twin nacelles serve different attributes with the analogy being like a train versus a car. trains are faster but theyre also bulky, dont slow down well and arent designed to make quick on the spot diversions

[mazzystar24]

exactly! i wanted to like tommy tbh i liked him in 703 and 704. 705 was meh to me. i couldnt really find it in myself to care because the entire episode was about buck freaking out about telling eddie. 706 just made me ???? because of the bachelor party scenes. like why are we having the new bf dismiss buck at every turn while eddie is all in if they want us to root for this man. he wouldve had to change at work anyway so why didnt he dress up. then again in 709 he’s just shooting down bucks joy with the “enjoy it while it lasts” thing and then we already discussed 710. like sure buck made it a bit jokey but then tommy sounded completely serious when he said “no i dont. i hope you do though!” im someone who’s very sarcastic in her own humor and i couldnt tell he was joking. like i get that they want tommy to be snarky or whatever but something about it just falls flat for me. some of the comments he makes feel like stuff he shouldn’t feel comfortable saying yet to someone he’s only started seeing in the past couple months.

also the evan thing confuses me because lou said on cameo the script supervisor told him he isnt allowed to call buck ‘buck’. i wonder if thatll ever be addressed in s8 because that feels weird to me. especially since buck has insisted people call him buck in the past but idk if thats even anything to actually think about. like im not sure if the writers just dont know what to do with this man or if they’re actually writing him to be a short term thing. its so easy to add depth to their relationship and open up a chance to be vulnerable but they either choose not to entirely or give those moments to eddie -birthmark anon

NO SAME LIKE I AM DOWN FOR RIVAL LOVE INTERESTS TO MY SHIPS IF THEYRE WRITTEN WELL

I WAS MID TYPING I HOPE YOU DONT SEE THIS YET

Like I made a whole post about how the show bones had Hannah and she was the best and the way they wrote her made her GENUINELY likeable

And 911 couldve pulled that off so easily with Tommy but just keep choosing not to??? Like they are making (imo) very intentional writing choices that just don’t develop him or bucktommy very well when they could literally just NOT make those choices like they’re fully in control so while these things are realistic and can have good explanations the writers are intentionally choosing to include them and write them a specific way

Like idk about you but if I wanted people to aim for my couple I would go about it VERY differently

[whilomm]

recently i have learned that people really, REALLY, dont read signs. at fucking all.

i work in a grocery store, and the customer restrooms are being remodeled. this is somewhat annoying, but eh, whatever. they have portable ones set up outside, both the usual blue portapotties and some like, nicer sorta travel trailer thing (that i havent used yet, but eh, looks way nicer at least).

now, outside of the restroom area there is a Big Ass Sign, one of the metal ones that stands on the floor, that says Very Clearly:

—

NOTICE

RESTROOM REMODEL

portable restrooms are located at the front of the store for your convenience.

—

and i want to be clear, this sign is almost entirely blocking the entryway to the restroom area. it is physically improbable to reach the restroom area without touching with the sign, either by turning and brushing past it, or by pushing it slightly out of the way. you can NOT just walk past it, you have to touch it, interact with it at least slightly. now, you would think that a Large Sign directly blocking someones path would make them go oh, hm, perhaps i should read this. there is the word "notice" in a large, scary red block. perhaps this is revelant to me.

but no. i have in fact very often watched customers simply push past the sign, perhaps shoving it to the side as if its not there. not even in a "bathroom emergency" haste, they simply calmly push past it, not a care in the world.

they are then met with an even LARGER sign, this time hanging from the ceiling, sort of a banner made from a tarplike material, once again proclaiming 1. there is a restroom remodeling 2. there are portable restrooms at the front of the store.

now, you might expect people to think to themselves hm, a SECOND sign directly blocking my path, preventing me from entering the restrooms, which are also walled off in tarp. perhaps i should read this one?

but no. instead, these customers will look confused for a moment, they will look as if this new obstacle was completely unforseeable. they will then turn to the nearest employee, confusedly asking not "which way are the portable restrooms, i didnt see them walking in" or anything else sensible. no, they ask "so theres no restrooms????".

now, im not gonna claim that i am the most amazing sign reader ever. im sure i miss them on occasion, but i am definitely the type to notice when a store i go to regularly has a new piece of paper in the windows, and i will read it to make sure it doesnt say "NEW HOURS" or "WE ARE CLOSED FOREVER GOODBYE" or "THERE IS A RABID TIGER LOOSE IN THE STORE DO NOT OPEN DOOR", or whatever else may be relevant to my shopping experience. i will stop a moment, squint my eyes, and read. sometimes i will even read the small print, mayhaps even a full paragraph or two if the large print makes it feel necessary. i figure if someone spent the time to put a sign up, they must want me to read it, and i might as well make use of it, yeah?

as such, there is just a part of me that cannot fathom walking into TWO separate signs, each Very Large, one of which requires you to physically move it out of your way, each with only a one or two sentences of text written in a 80 point font, and just saying well. instead of reading that, i will bother an employee clearly on their lunch break and make them explain to me the restroom situation, and i will also proceed to ask followup questions such as "why" (because theyre remodeling) "well how long is it gonna last???" (the dates being clearly printed on the first sign they brushed past)

this makes a lot of things about the world make a lot more sense. i suppose some people view reading signs as a last resort, to be used only when there isnt an employee to bother and make them explain the thing they have already explained to 40 other customers in the past hour. even signs that are only two or three words are ignored. "partners only" is ignored as people walk straight into the bakery, then get angry when you tell them they arent allowed in here. "well how was i supposed to know???" (the big red sign, also the general vibes of the area being hostile to human life). "out of stock" signs might as well be nonexistant for how many people will simply ignore them and ask me "are there any more tortillas???" (no. thats what the sign says).

im sure plenty of customers HAVE in fact read the signs. im sure im just especially noticing the ones that are the most egregious. but christ alive the numbers of people who simply Do Not Read Signs is. hm. too high i feel.

[thisdreamplace]

oh my goodness hayyy it’s me 🍁 anon once again! apologies for so many.. I absolutely adore how you guide from life honestly your words have guided me through such hard times.

I wanna ask some questions so feel free to Answer them!

what is your favorite part about nondual/ Taoism

how did you discover it?

what are some hot takes you have about it?

how do you input in daily life!

what are your favorite ways to fully surrender?

what do you do in a wave of a depressive time?

LAST BUT NOT LEAST!

what are your favorite experiences ever Since you gained this knowledge !🎼🎵

alright have a lovely day! I always love your talks!

hiiii <3 thank you for your sweet words~ hehe

hmmmm

well, for me my favorite part in all of this was how it opened me up so much and allowed me to allow love into my life, for the first time ever, with less fear. as a child i was very loving but as i grew older and felt more of the coldness of the world, i really closed myself off from so much. at some point, i even saw myself as extremely bitter and cold and would think of myself as an ice princess... so yeah. definitely forever thankful that nondualism/taoism helped warm me, and open me up to unconditional love.

i remember during early 2020, i began to get really into spirituality and exploring what that means for me. at the time, i was highly interested in witchcraft (ive always had a true interest and connection with the natural world, which is why this path appealed to me~) and didnt really believe in the law of attraction at all, but going onto tumblr to connect with witchblr, i would often see quotes from neville goddard that sparked an interest in me, and the rest is history :)

i think my biggest hot takes are that... so much of it is blown out of proportion, sensationalized, and used to prey on the weak. once people started to realize how popular all of this could be, so many people began to jump on the train and often share information or enforce expectations that are rather harmful, except they dont care because its all about what hooks the desperate people and keeps them coming back. the amount of coaches and things like that which are just looking to make a buck, is pretty wild. even for people who arent asking for money, theres some that clearly just want the clout and they dont really care about anything else. so much of this is actually extremely natural and not supernatural at all, but a lot of what "sells" are these hollywood movie promises of success. as someone who started in this community when there was like... 1 or 2 blogs actually dedicated to this, its definitely grown a lot and almost has become something i seperate myself from, because i dont really fully agree with the way a lot of things are now taught or the way theyre approached. i kind of like to stay in my own lane, stay true to my experience, and hopefully that reaches people as is... :)

for daily life, i try to think about what i learned from the book, "breaking the habit of being yourself" and as well as from the book, "the tao of pooh" because these are two things that really deeply touched me and made lightbulbs go off. im not perfect... but usually i believe that what you do within, you have to start to do without if youll ever see anything different happen. but this is on a very personal level, like for example, "be the change you wish to experience" if you want to experience more love, be love. if you want to experience less stress, begin to implement that... etc etc

i think my favorite way to fully surrender is to cry it out, and take care of myself first (and repeat as needed, hahah)

gosh, this is hard. during a depressive time all i can do is... be depressed. but i always put in effort to not lose sight of whats in front of me. being really depressed can make you feel like nothing is great anymore in your life, and its all empty. so i always try to remember how much love is there already, and all of the blessings that havent gone anywhere, all of the ones ive had up until now, gratitude. in every little pocket of sunshine that i get, i hold onto it because (in a depressive time) i know that the melancholy is lurking. but i still go outside and get fresh air, i still try to exist around those moments i can do nothing more but bedrot or doomscroll.

i think my most favorite experiences are all of the little things that living this way has afforded me. for once, i felt happy. for once, i felt loved. for once, i could push anxiety to the side and truly live. for once, i truly trusted in me. i wasnt afraid of the world anymore, i was enamored with it. i think being able to experience that, after the life i had been living in the darkness for so long before, is truly my most favorite thing of all. ☁️

anyways, hopefully you find this somewhat insightful :')

xoxo 🫧

[br1ghtestlight]

Rewatching alot of episodes with Jimmy pesto and I was just wondering if you have any hc for him or Trev (I love trev so much💕)

hmm i haven't thought abt them as much as i want to?? jimmy and trev's relationship is weirdly sweet and you can tell they care about each other a lot :)

jimmy pesto is not straight and he has a weird sexual relationship with trev (and he secretly goes out and has sex with male prostitutes) but he has VERY bad internalized homophobia and like 1000 layers of toxic masculinity to work through before he's ready to have a healthy relationship with literally anyone, he would be a lot happier if he wasnt so scared of being seen as weak or feminine

also he is A LOT more affectionate with his kids in private and he really does love them, he's scared of being seen as weak so he's kinda mean to them in public but he always goes to their performances and plays and he says i love you to them but jimmy jr has a complicated relationship with him bcuz he doesn't understand why his dad cant be openly affectionate and loving towards him, andy and ollie are younger and just happy to be around their dad regardless but its definitely not healthy for any of them and it makes his kids feel like he's ashamed of them

he really REALLY does love trev and its probably his only emotionally honest and open relationship with anyone, he's actually a lot more vunerable with trev than he ever was with his wife (mostly when he's drunk)

he and his wife divorced not long after the twins were before bcuz having three young kids did NOT help their relationship actually!!!! but even before then his wife was a stay at home mom and generally didnt come around the resturant very often so most people wouldnt have really known her, she was never introduced to the belchers or anything. the kids have a very complicated relationship with their mom too

jimmy pesto opened his resturant before he had kids!!!! we can see it was already open when bob and linda moved in and they were pregnant with tina, i like to think that his resturant was a family business that his father opened :) it makes sense that he would be opposite to bob in that sense and have a better working relationship with his father

trev loves jimmy and believes that he can be a better person and he KNOWS that jimmy doesn't want to be shitty all the time he's just stupid and insecure, thats why he doesnt leave even when jimmy treats him kinda terribly bcuz they have had a lot of intimate moments together. maybe not the healthiest relationship though

jimmy will invite trev over to his apartment to play with his toys when he doesnt have his kids :) they race cars and play golf together and actually have a lot of fun, when the kids are at his apartment theyre allowed to play with the toys as long as they're careful and dont break them (mostly when he's supervising them and jimmy jr is there)

trev has a bad relationship with his family and doesnt talk to them really at all so he sees the pesto family as kinda like his weird surrogate family??? he's known the kids since they were babies and they call him uncle trev and he usually is invited to their thanksgiving dinner :D if its a year where the kids mom has them for thanksgiving/christmas jimmy will invite trev over and they'll generally get drunk and complain about their shitty lives and families but sometimes they'll do a secret santa thing and buy each other gifts

jimmy remembers trev's birthday every single year and buys him a small present bcuz he knows trev doesnt really have anyone else celebrating his birthday, he doesnt make a big deal out of it but trev gets very emotional bcuz he for some reason assumes jimmy won't remember this year (but he always does)

trev likes babysitting the twins and he'll play with them and draw crayon pictures while theyre at the resturant :) andy and ollie will request he draws things and even though he is NOT an artist he tries and they absolutely love it and keep the drawings in their bedroom, jimmy jr also used to be involved with this when he was younger but he's too cool to hang around trev now *eyeroll*

[birthday-of-music]

donna ketsumatsu ga onozomi dai song/mv analysis because mizuki got one too

utc because as before im a little insane!!

alright so the very first thing is. in the game size mv, rui doesnt sing with anyone except miku. in the full version, he sings with nene as well, which is likely because she (other than hatsune literal mind reader miku) understands him the best because shes known him the longest.

so the very first thing is that rui mentions a bouquet of flowers which, in my random interpretation, are supposed represent his feelings and memories with wxs.

“if i reach out to the shadows of memories”

well. junior high rui. this could mean a lot of things, but it stands out to me the same way that a lot of the mv is set on a rooftop, which we can tell based on the view of the city during the chorus. its something like how the past is finally coming back to him now that theyre all going to have to go their seperate ways.

next we see a bunch of notes and photographs.

now, physical photographs like polaroids or the strip in the mv are usually used to bring about a feeling of nostalgia. which is what happens here. nene and tsukasas line is about having had a dream, which represents their desires for something bigger, their dreams to become a singer and a “world future star” respectively. emus line, however, is about “looking back, i see so many smiles”. she and rui, instead of looking to the future, are looking back at the past, and looking at what they have now, because they dont have big dreams like the others. rui talks about the bonds hes made and emu wants people to smile, but they dont have big ambitions like the others do.

then in the chorus, nene and tsukasa sing about putting a name to their dream, while rui asks if such a painful thing (the inevitable end of wxs) can still be considered a dream, as well as saying “i try to tell my heart this is the natural course”.

at this point, rui has his eyes closed, and when he opens them he looks a little bit sadder. the reality that this has to end is something that he wants to avoid, but he knows he cant.

the question “what kind of ending do you want?” could be a question for the rest of wxs, but along with the next line “cant these two thoughts coexist” makes it also a question to himself. those two thoughts being his desire to stay with wxs as it is right now, and the other one being the desire to see the people he cares about achieve their dreams.

in the second verse, he refers to that same bouquet of flowers that he wanted to protect before as “a bunch of crap.” which is likely up to the fact that he cant recognise his own feelings. he doesnt understand that his “selfishness” and hope for his friends can exist together, so he throws away that feeling because he doesnt know hes allowed to feel it.

this time, tsukasa says that love and dreams are real, and this time rui is grateful for the experiences theyve had. this time, he sings with nene and miku, instead of just miku.

in the end, they say they can laugh about this pain when its all over, and rui says hes sure itll be a happy ending, and that their bond cant be broken.

[eyelessfog]

hello hi i care about llau falsestress !! <- has yet to read lifeline ever

tell me more about them

THATS OKAY I JUST. i would like to clarify that this is alllll in my head. okay. magpie almost certainly did not mean for me to feel these feelings about them, but to me theyre in love

so false and stress are both astronauts. stress steers the ship and false is the captain. theyre best friends and i appreciate that soooo so sosososo much

and then they pick up tango, whos just dealt with parasites, and then parasites dock on their ship, and then two of thw crew get taken, and then they get sent back in time to the 1300s and theyre left almost entirely alone. sure, there are two other people there, but they never leave thw goddamn tower, and it feels like false and stress are entirely by themselves

and in my head this is when theyre like. theyre in love but theyre not dating? theyre roommates and their relationship is just what it is. theyre never girlfriends theyre just in love and exist with each other. deal with things as they come.

and then wels shows up. this guy is so badly third wheeling ans he doesnt wven knowwww hes just like huh. okay. this is a normal thing thats happening <- guy who lived exclusively with men, and then lived by himself for the past Many years

theyre just. very domestic kind of? everything is weird and screwed up and they live in 1300s england and they dont know what theyre doing!!!! but theyre together and theyre just. living. and in love. theyre so important to each other you dont get it

and then everything goes wrong all at once

stress leaves, which is fine, stress leaves all the time - she can take care of herself. better than false can, in some ways. but then wels’ clone shows up and they kill him and he falls to the bottom of the tower and bdubs and etho are gone - and false allows herself a moment to realize that she never knew that bdubs and etho were gone which means that she has no clue how long its been since they disappears

and then she follows after stress but stress is gone and her neighbours are dead and infected and she lets their bodies fall to rest because theyre ALREADY dead and this is a mimicry of them that’s puppetting their bodies and they said that they touched stress and they deserve nothing less than to be burned

shes so protective of stress and im normal about that prommy

god no yeah im skipping straight to the chapel its. i want some people to be able to read it for the first time so

okay so in the chapel scene, false finds stress finally and it all feels so tension filled because you know something is wrong and sometimes you know WHAT is wrong [i certainly did] and its terrifying and false is asking stress to come home because how could they not go home together?

and stress wraps her arms around false’s neck and hugs her and she apologies and false doesn’t get why but then stress pushes her down and theres a grub in her mouth and stress has opened her eyes and her eyes are red and false realizes that stress has already died and shes being puppetted by an alien. and wels comes to get stress off of her and stress wrangles herself out of her grip and false has had a gun under her skirt for forever, and finally she pulls it out to use it and

stress is already dead

it doesnr make shooting her through the skull feel any better

and to me its. what if someone stole your lover and put her face on and said “i love you” in the only way either of you have ever said i love you, and it tried to kill you too and it made you stare into her eyes as you killed her killer and. and. and you press your boot down on the grubs that killed your lover and you send wels away to go get you fire so you can burn them to hell and when he’s gone you cry. because your lover is gone and you didnt kill her, but it feels like you did, and she’s gone

and you don’t really get over it either. you get cloned, and your clone gets grubbed and your clone keeps saying that YOU killed her with your own two hands and a gun, but you didnt. you killed the being that was pretending to be her, and youre trying to kill the being that is pretending to be YOU but she keeps saying you didnt love her enough because if you loved her you would have let her live, and you keep saying she was already dead, but your other is infected too. and maybe she’s right

but this has long since become your life mission - to get rid of the grubs - and you can’t drop it now. you can’t doubt yourself now.

and you kill her, and you killed stress, and you swear to yourself that all you ever did was lay the dead to rest. surely. surely.

and then t=♾ and there’s stress again and she isnt grubbed and you missed her and you love her and youve loved her and-

but she says that she was alive even when she was grubbed and her eyes arent red so you cant force yourself to believe that her mind isnt clear, and then your double says that you wouldn’t have killed her if you loved her but you KNOW that you killed her BECAUSE you loved her but everything is breaking apart and maybe you killed the one you love and then

and then stress is back, and ren is there and both of them are people you failed but theyre both something like alive and you think that maybe you were the monster the whole time

explaining this is just. they were in love and stress died, whether when she was infected or when false killed her and grieving over her has made false who she is and WAUGH

[gayspock]

ok the undiscovered country! i actually dont know much at all about this one but i hear people like it

knowing gene died like 2 days after seeing this.... the killer is at large, seriously...

in tthe credits and ive paused like 2 times btw. anyway its so strange thinking that walter koenig is like an older gent now. i think chekov, no matter how old he is, is like a little cunt to me

GOD GEORGE TAKEI HAS SUCH A GOOD FUCKING VOICE. its beyond crazy. also great to see sulu in the captains chair... as he freaking deserves

woahhh hey rand.... hope youre well grace lee whitney rest peacefully my love

points its that big fuck off red bridge in america

hi spock bestie (kicks legs) lets hear your little speech

also admiral (?) cartwright isnt that the same actor as siskos dad hi dude waves friendily

kirk: ☝️🤨 me? spock: i have personally vouched for you kirk: 🤨you 🤨 have 🤨 personally 🤨 vouched? ☝️🤨 for me?

will the girls be fighting ...

okay i know i did joke and jest: however, to summarise i didnt find star trek v nearly as egregious as people said it was. ultimately i found it had its funny moments and was a bit of a mess but i had my fun. itd be wrong to say its a ~good~ movie but frankly the way people went on about it you'd think it was some utter disgrace

all that being said: seeing kirk now, even in this opening scene, speak with conviction against the klingons is refreshing as hell after it. like- shatner super obviously did write tff . you can tell with how kirk is just kind of there doing insane shit and saying heroic crap throughout the movie. literally every obstacle is solved with him doing something ridiculous to save the day. its funny as hell BUT now its like ok now we have an actual character back with us god bless, god speed

speaking of i do like the choice to have him oppose this so vehemently for that reason + addressing the more difficult issue of the klingons since, well... as seen in the LAST movie they just sort of laugh them off. LOL

ALSO THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING. YEESH

oh so you remembered you have a son, kirk , now that its actually relevant

also can we be nice to valeris. can everyone be nice to valeris

OUGHHH SPOCK IN HIS VULCAN ROBES. also god i really am so fucking happy when they do vulcan philosophy & spock like this. its all i want, man

WARRIOR ADMIRATION.

valeris said #stop #racism.

and so they raise their points.... did they not raise their points?

again ugh not to be a spock girlie but something something the isolation the arbitrary measures by which we judge each other, the cultural differences in klingons vs humans how much different are the differences in humans vs vulcans how readily will they be to reject us at the end of the day something something theyre my o nly family and yet they bristle and they reject the things fundamental to Me and-

now what is occurring...

btw i have coffee cake yum yum

also did they take out their gravity something on the klingon ship. BECAUSE THATS ANOTHER THING I WANT TO SAY ABOUT SCI FI, YOU KNOW... so miserable that they have the gits always tethered to the ground . i insist we need to turn the gravity off more . i dont care if the budget doesnt allow for it

THAT BLOOD EFFECT. SLAY

oh my god rheyre servingggg in this movie arent they

th... the BLOOD I-

SORRY

I WONT MAKE THAT JOKE AGAIN

ALSO LOL SORRY AGAIN I SHOULDNT WATCH THESE BACK TO BACK - ITS HARD NOT TO COMPARE - BUT GOD THE SETUP FOR THIS ONE IS JUST SO FREAKING GOOD IN COMPARISON. SO UTTERLY DELICIOUS

OH MY GOSH HI SAREK

yaaayy lets kill kirk

okay chang with your little sultry side eye t the camera

I LOVE HOW THEY ALL HATE HIS ASS

WALK INTO A ROOM AND JUST HAVE PEOPLE CHANTING BECAUSE THEY HATE YOUR FUCKING ASS

FUCKA YOU KIRK

HI GRANDADDY WORF ... HELP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

THIS IS SO GOOD LAWYER WORF SAID OBJECTTTIONNNNN MY CLIENT IS JUST A BABYGIRLLLLL COME ON GUYS

theyre sending my girls to prison oh my godddddd...

OKAY COME ON BESTIE SPOCK WE CAN CARRY THIS SHIT OCME ON BABY GIRL

kirk ....

dont be so hostile this is your new best friend ki-

holy guacamole...

THE THING ABOUT STAR TREK IS THEY WILL JUST PUT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BREATHTAKING WOMAN ONSCREEN AND ACT LIKE IT ISNT EVEN A BIG DEAL

SPEAKING OF. i'll be so mad if valeris is the assassin. i MEAN I WOTN BE. but i will be. ugh. no respect for women ever in the world. but it feels too obvious and i dont just mean like... in terms of needing a good twist like i dont minddd that but frown sad face... im just sad a cool vulcan girlie might get the short end of the stick so i ddo hope if it is her its a good reveal / good reasoning to make up for it. you know what i mean? i'd be sad if she was JUST brought in for that singular purpose AND/OR if this is something to do with... reasonably affected persons due to the discrimination getting into some extremist shit like get a better twist and try different avenues of conversation for discussing the nuances of that even if you do want to talk abt the darker side of what oppression leads to within minority groups like theres 10 million different points of discussion and you so strangely choose the same one every time and when people contest that its "lacking nuance" even though this seesaw is so terribly unablaced but whatever its also nothing

terribly ironic of me to go on that ramble in the las tliveblog post about managing expectations LOL HELP ........ SILLY GOOSE . either way im super jumping the gun here

THE JUMPCUT OF "KIRK SHOULD BE PLOTTING HIS ESCAPE" AND THEN ITS STRAIGHT TO KIRK GETTING HIS HEAD KICKED IN THATS SO FUNNY FUCK OFF HELP

RUSSIAN EPIC. OF CINDARELLA.

martia slays so hard

also this whole translating thing is so funny god bless youse

OH HELL YEAH WE'RE TWO KIRKSING IT UP. SO CLASSIC TOS.

I CANT BELIEVE I KISSED YOU / MUST HAVE BEEN YOUR LIFE LONG AMBITION THATS SO SICKENINGLHY WILLIAM SHATNER I FELT ILL

THEYRE JUST ROLLING ABOUT ARENT THEY HEY THATSOSFUNNY

"THEY WERE ABOUT TO EXPLAIN THRE WHOLE THING!" OKAY THATS FUNNT I'LL GIVEE YOU THAT. BYE BITCHES

GODDDD DAAAMMITTTTTT

I KNEWWW IT VALERIS... BABE I DONT BELIEVE IT I KNOW YOURE INNOCENT

SPOCK..... PLEASE CALM DOWN

OKAY fucking hell well at least its.. BUT SIGH GOD I MEAN ITS SORT OF OBVIOUS WHEN YOU INTRODUCE A NEW MAIN GIRLIE IN THE LAST MOVIE BUT NONETHELESS. RIP VALERIS AND FUCKING HELL THE VULCAN MIND MELD ... GIRLLLLIEEEE NAURR

i also had to pause mid scene here to go do other shit help WHICH ISNT THE BEST TIME TO PAUSE AND COME BACK BUT

NO STOP MIND MELDING WITH HER GIRL DONT DO THIS ...

also anyways as i was saying im glad it wasnt... yeah you know but nonetheless SIGH. sooo sad ugh i liked her can we not just get a SPECIAL LITTLE FUCKING GIRL. punches wall. saavik i miss you too, i want you back toooooo saavik

"ive been dead before :/" SLAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

THIS IS SO FUNNY . THEY LOVE BREAKING REGULATIONS. GUYS. ALL YOU GUYS EVER SDO IS BREAK REGULATIONS

spock... babygirl- kirk leave his shit alone .

yay for mistakes yay for admitting our mistakes

oh my god....... sguyss...

"outlived our usefulness" spock you're kind of in your 40s right now if anything lets all be real here youve got some legs left in you its kirk thats one foot in the grave god bless his soul

warrior to warrior... so real

if theres something abut a star trek man its that he'll fucking spout shakespeare whenever the fuck he wants no damn context either hes just going bababaabab

surgery on a torpedo . so good

arREST YOURSELF GET THEIR ASSES

SCOTTY YOU'VE KILLED A MAN

sisko's dad has been up to no good

okay hell yeah kirk speech lets go

hi again sulu . i like how hes just been chilling off on his own sh-

okay no stop th

stop it dont say it like that im going to get weepy and im suddenly remembering why i put all of this off for so long again decomissioned i'll kill myself i really will i'll fucking kill myself RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW

YEAH GO TO HELL

FUCKING TELL THEMSPOCK GOD IM GOING TO WAIL

BONES IS TRYING TO RETIRE THOUGH I WILL POINT THAT OUT

OH my god ... oh my go dddd noo no no no stop the final curise fuck off STOP IT I'M GOING TO THROW UP I'LL KKILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU STOP IT

THERES NO WAY

ME: IF I JUST DONT WATCH IT FOR TWO YEARS IT WONT EVER HAPPEN

AND IT JSUT HAPPENED AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RGHGHH GGODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD OH MY GOD THE SIGNATURES THATS SO .... STOPPPP STOP IT I'LL CRY

no im terribly pathetic i am i will tell you that much

god I HAVE TO STOP NOW

SO LONG FOLKS

[kudzucataclysm]

This or That: Writer Edition!!!

tas tagged by the amazing @vacantgodling :3 i tag...whoever sees this 👁️👁️ no really. dewit

historical or futuristic

FUTURISTIC 100%. historical shit can be…very boring to me, usually cuz its all very repetitive? And to me its usually way too grounded in established reality and focuses a ton on aesthetic. like history is pretty much done, but the future is absolutely unwritten and unknown to for me its more interesting to speculate abt (pushes my ww1 horror story and 1200s zombie apocalypse story under the bed)

2. the opening chapter or closing chapter

opening, cuz its easier and more exciting to figure out while the closing chapter tends to beeee hard to figure out and kinda sad for me? cuz its over dfvfv like its the END. and u gotta figure out a satisfying wrap up for all these characters and plotlines and all that, which is a monumental task in and of itself (to me) EVEN THOUGH. i agree, working backwards can often hepl tremendously in working out how everything goes (i say this cuz i actually know the ending of my wip Typhoon Landing, so its easier to map out in a way)

3. light & fluffy or dark & gritty

dark and gritty ig? although it can be overdone in a way, where theres next to no levity and people bask in its grittiness. light and fluffy however can be boring and bleh, i'll take dark and gritty over that any day

4. animal companion or found family

found family for sure. i rarely have signifigant animal companions in my story cuz…well, theyre pets. the only one i can think of rn is EFJ, Dez's eventual cat who can TALK, but even then she doesn't get much attention story wise. she's just someone Dez can talk to and take care of v-v but yeh all my stories tend to have a semblance of found family huehue

5. horror or romance

HORRORRRRR cuz i don't have the patience for romance ig lol. i also don't really care for it :p way less interesting to me than horror

6. hard or soft magic system

it depends? i prefer hard magic typically but in the case of certain settings like Discworld, the soft magic system is extremely interesting and feels natural to the world and stories! but for stories like FMA, the hard 'magic' system being built around chemistry and math is like WHHOOAA and its super cool and neat to me. so…either is fine!! if i find it interesting and that it fits in the world it resides in

…actually u know what im gonna be a hater for a sec. one magic system that i absolutely fucking abhor is the H/P system like what the actual fuck. it makes genuinely no sense like evidently u had wizards disappearing their own shit in the 1300s but if ONE FUCKING KID does a self defense on a malevolent entity that will CONSUME HIS FUCKING SOUL ALONG WITH OTHERS, u go to wizard court and yur banned from magic 5evar. the ghosts of dead students haunt the halls of britain wizard school wtf what happened there. the whole blood quantity race thing with wizards who think humans are below them cuz they cant do magic yet they dont even know how dishwashers work (lets not even get into it how the very author is like 'yeah non-magic ppl are lame and stupid lol'). the full blown racism where other supernatural creatures and people are discriminated against like yur a wizard with lycanthropy?? yur a giant? fuck you kill yourself no youre not allowed to learn magic. the teachers and ministry despite knowing the threat that the ghost thingies pose (THEYRE ON SCHOOL FUCKING GROUNDS?? KIDS WILL BE SOUL SUCKED) and like theres TERRORISTS RUNNING AROUND and nobody teaches these kids self defense spells. on TOP of that, they STILL HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL LMAOOO like that is so fucking funny to me, genuinely. like FUCK THOSE WIZARD KIDS FR LOL anyway im done

7. standalone or series

series cuz for the life of me i cant have short or self-contained stories. i grow too attached to characters and the world and it has to be drawn out to its full potential sorry not sorry

8. one project at a time or always juggling two+

im hyperfocusing on SE rn but i have like 15+ stories on the backburner rn rip to everyone who liked those specifically and havent seen em since

9. one award winner or one best seller

uuuh i dunno? i dont think either of these things will happen for me cuz my works are uh…weird? but i think a bestseller would be kinda cool maybe…

10. fantasy or sci-fi

sci-fi!!!! i love to blend both genres tho so rules can be bent more- and i generally do hate how many sci-fi fans these days are all ''REALISM!! ACKTCHUALLY THIS WOULDNT HAPPEN BECUZ-'' idc its fake. i love earlier sci-fi stories where its just crazy bullshit. cowboys on alien planets. sword and planet, with barbarians and knights with super futuristic technology. Alien planet where the ocean itself is the alien intelligence. FRANK HERBERT'S DUNE WHERE DRUGS PRODUCED BY MOUNTAIN SIZED WORMS IS THE BASIS FOR INTERPLANETARY TRAVEL; THE DRUGS ALSO GIVE YOU THE ABILITY TO PERCIEVE SPACE AND TIME OUTSIDE OF REALITY. fucking shit like godzilla where an iguana was exposed to radiation and turned into a massive monster who terrorizes cities. like bring that shit back like thats my heroine. i want WEIRD SHIT!!!

11. character or setting description

character description cuz its simply easier vv' descriptions in general are hard for me

12. first or final draft

ive never even completed a draft please no talk to me-

13. love triangle in everything or no romantic arcs

FUCK LOVE TRIANGLES FR i hate that shit with a passion dont even get me started. i dont even give af abt romance in stories anyway so i'd rather have no arcs goddamn >:/

14. constant sandstorm or rainstorm

constant rainstorm plz, forever :3

[xxmourningdove666xx]

Boundaries

>> I'm a very panicky person, I will not discuss a lot of topics if I don't open conversation, you will freak me out if you hit up anon or dm outta the blue to talk about dark topics

>> I love to jape, jest, and generally fool around, but do not think that you, as a stranger, are welcome to refer to me out of name or just think being a dick to me will be considered funny

>> Honestly? That's like... It? I'll update this as people are weird to me, I guess... That's how it tends to work out- onto like,,, more creative boundaries? What you can and cannot do with my ocs!!

>> First, the cannots. So, each OC has a highly case by case basis, I'll be honest. For the most part, I'm fine with like all my OCs being shipped with random characters given said character is of legal age, since I have like,,, 1 oc who isnt an adult and I've never revealed them on Tumblr iirc- Anyways, yeah shipping is free game for any character, and honestly? I actually don't mind if you ignore my OC's sexuality to ship em with someone or yourself, knock yourself out. >> Speaking of self shipping! PLEASE feel free to write or draw x reader stuff!!!!! I love it!!! I've gotten 1 total fic of my oc x reader and I loved it and it makes me giggle n blush!!! Do it!!! I'll kiss you, if youre into that.

>> Oh yeah also feel free to be a freak abt my ocs, i dont mind, im a freak, you think im a hypocrite?

>> Gore is always allowed, either covered in it or injured, I adore it either way, I like to see my sillies either suffering or living it up... I have very few OCs who wouldnt maim,,,,,

>> Oh yeah also making up AUs or gender bending any character is chill, I think its neat :)

>> I'm trying so hard to think of things people would be against when it comes to OCs? Like,,, I dunno- Don't write them in such a way that implies theyre into like,,,, kids or animals ig? That's like- it really-

>> Honestly I dont even care if you like borderline steal their designs, man....

>> Uh i see ppl talk abt not wanting ppl to kin their ocs? Uh- I dont think that actually happens BUT if cyril shows up on your kin list id giggle n give you a forehead kiss then tell you to seek therapy <3

>> I dunno- If youre curious abt further boundaries ask n ill update this

[teddy-feathers]

gonna talk a bit about my super hero characters

This is cannon for the universe i need to build for them and not necessarily how ive been role playing them.

There's Noah Really. He's Caucasian and got a nose with a big arch, green eyes, and long blonde hair. His power is prehensile hair - if you had a power null on around him itd still work because its just another muscle. He's gay and came from a very large conservative family. They kicked him out as soon as legally able and he's been managing on his own since. While he loves his siblings and had a large part in rasing many of them as the second eldest, hes been completely cut off from his family. He made a new one though. a bunch of other young supers who needed/ need help. He's talkative, flirty, flamboyant, but despite that he very rarely dates. He has too many platonic people relying on him to settle for anything less than a real deep snd long lasting connection.

Jo Everbody is an Asian American kid with shaggy, ear length black hair and brown eyes. They're non binary but look and dress masculine, though the carpet dont match the drapes so to speak. They're younger than most of the rest of the group though only by a couple of years. they have a home though, they lost their parents when they were ten and their sister Cecilia "Cissa" had just turned 18 and was allowed to take care of them. Their power is they are a very powerful empath, when they were younger they got overstimulated by this frequently. Now that theyre older they have better control and regulation of their power... but they crave deep emotional attachments and often date and get dumped seeking them. Theyre quiet and studious outside of their flings and dont know how to handle ofher people's emotions without fixing it for them - something theyre loath to do. But they do like doing emotional feedback during romantic encounters. if they feel good and their partner feels good it can create a positive feedback loop that feeds on itself.

"Deb" Debrah Beat is an African American woman with brown curls, dark brown eyes, and a great smile. Shes very active and physical and would like to be a physical therapist but.... her power is she heals. From everything. Anything. Since it's basically a horrible power she designed and built - with the help of her girlfriend - some large robotic gloves. She can punch like the hulk with those on and she never lets slip her power is healing herself.

"Abby" Abhi Normal is a trans woman. She dyes her hair pink and favors very feminine clothing, rarely wearing pants. She likes costumes and trying different fashions but mostly she is creative. Her power is being able to control what she creates. So she creates everything from paper dolls to mannequins. Shes very handy. She is pansexual and in a very committed and loving relationship with Deb Beat.

Dan Gnabbit is a trans man. Hes a bit of a nerd, bit of a slob, but his power is opening doors. if it looks like a door he can make a portal between it and a place he knows that also has a door like area to anchor to. the fun thing is its all in his head - it doesn't have to be a door like structure. he can just make portals. but hes still learning to control his power and needs the mental connection.

Varie Nearly is a... difficult person. Shes Aromatic but into sex. thats not why shes difficult shes... kinda a bitch. very much a kick you while your down sort of person. very insulting. she like punkish clothing and has died red hair and wears heavy purple makeup. the thing with her is she might be an asshole but shes *our* asshole. surprisingly very loyal to the group. her power is she can talk to birds. youll find her up trees when shes not harrassing someone already having a bad day.

Seren Deputy is a hispanic american woman who really really wants to become a doctor. only problem is that her power is opening old wounds. She wouldve killed deb by accident had deb not been a healer. shes actually extremely smart, very kind, and is working her way to med school. shes just also feels bad that she could have killed deb that one time.

theres probably more to this but I'm tired

[tossball-stick]

its crazy how many of my previous interests have just been enveloped by cowboys. it feels like every game i was into, besides like valve, rdr2 overshadows in every way.

overwatch? i mostly liked it because the characters were generic archetypes i could project onto and make my own. rdr has that but with more depth. theres still more meat to chew on but theres also still plenty of space for you to write in your own details. its honestly apalling. cole cassidy vs arthur morgan is just hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby and somehow coughing baby is coming out on top. spit on that man arthur give him tb make him feel like a reeeeal cowboy

borderlands? at least 90% of my interest in borderlands was because of jack and i wont even kid you it all stems from him. but now ive got an even more interesting lying backstabber whos abusive to his kids. dutch is literally just better to me in every possible way. i still think jack is fun but dutch is just....... better. it feels like literally everyones relationship with dutch is on the level of complexity of jack and tim or jack and angel. hell id argue some of them are even more complex than the most interesting one in borderlands, whatever you think that may be. rdr2 is also somehow more anticapitalist and antifascist haha

every time i wanna play a bethesda rpg its just in my head how racist it is. how it coos at you if you wanna side with fascism and racism, tells you that "mm well. this isnt _good_ but you should have the freedom of choice!!" like. sorry i cant play skyrim anymore i start thinking about how this series jerks off genocide at every turn and hollowly says we dont think its bad. but youre never allowed to see the oppressed's perspective. even if you choose to play as an argonian or khajiit you dont even experience fuckin racism man. at least in rdr2 i can look at the pepple who idolize micah n dutch and go "are you stupid?" because the game literally in no uncertain terms tells you these are bad bad bad people. the game tells you time and time again that everything, war, death, colonization, illness, starvation, is awful. it constantly points at all of this, it HAS to show you just how awful the victorian united states were because it was BAD. and it doesnt shy away from this. and then you have skyrim where every great historical figure in it is constantly jerked off for genociding millions of elves or beast races. there are so many stories about religious oppression but how am i supppsed to care when literally everyone is fine with wiping out entire races of people. the elder scrolls isnt nearly as humanizing as rdr2. in rdr2 you can really feel for some of the characters who have shitty biases and awful morals because one of the core messages of rdr2 is how everyone is human. everyone is a living human person with relationships and feelings and thoughts and death is bad. death is really really bad it fucks you up!!! so you can see these characters and sympathize with them, to a degree. even with the ones you actively want dead, it feels. human. the hatred of micah in me is so vitriolic because of how much death hes caused. i only value his life so little because of how little he values life as a whole, his own and other peoples. you want to kill the bigots because they hurt people. meanwhile in skyrim youre told to kill the bandits and youre not allowed to even think about what their lives couldve been like. theyre just bad guys. no other reason. and when there is another reason it doesnt matter. you slaughter them all the same. UGH sorry mgmmhkgkfngndn ive really stopped liking tes recently. cicero is still my babygirl but like. im prolly just gonna steal the dark brotherhood at this point and stick them in something else i cant do this. a lot of this applies to most fallout games too btw. new vegas excluded sorry that im basic but its made me actually feel things for the characters i talk to. its great at humanizing people. oh also rdr2s open world is infinitely better than anything bethesdas put out ever. im sorry its just literally flat out better

idk im trying to think of other games i used to like but theres not a lot others i can directly look at in comparison to rdr2 and say "well. the cowboys game provides everything i like from this one and more. theres no point anymore"

[ditzywhispers]

warnings: vent post, mental issues post, self hate

(not about me though, mostly)

i hate it when i see people talking down about themselves when theyre a good person.

there's this one person i know on discord, and i see them venting time to time in their server. i barely talk in there so i cant say anything (def not my place to say anything) but im. getting so concerned. i woke up to see messages that could've not been there, but there were.

i understand their thoughts, to a degree, because im a growing teen with anxious thoughts and fears of the most stupidest things. i am, at the moment, over those moments, i don't know if they'll come back, but that's not the point. i woke up one day, a few weeks ago, and wrote a page and a half rant about how selfish and stupid i am, how i get worked up and argue with people for too long, for how i don't seem to be able to let go of things and how im too much of a coward to even hurt myself because im afraid of that but don't i deserve it?

ive had those moments, but the person im talking about has it worse and i hate that they feel they need to feel those things BECAUSE THEY DONT. despite whatever i said above, i DO NOT understand how they feel, at all. i had it MUCH LESS WORSE, to be completely clear. but i can understand come of those thoughts, even if it's just a little, and i wish they didn't think they should be feelings these things. ive had a much more comfortable, open life free of bullying at school, so of course i wouldnt have understood. but y'know. to a point. because im a person too.

they dont deserve those thoughts to be in their brain, they're not a bad person and a really good artist /gen. life made it that way and i fucking hate that.

i don't deserve to talk about this, but im selfish. im a selfish person.

that's okay.

this post may not be okay

however

it's okay to be selfish, alright? human beings were built like that.

you do not ruin the atmosphere of the chat went you butt in. you may get other people to be irritated, but what are the chances of that??? its a public chat. yeah, sure, a public chat with other people with feelings but it's a PUBLIC chat. you HAVE THE RIGHT to speak in there, and the people probably wouldn't talk in the chat you were in if they didn't want to, wouldn't they? it's not that difficult to make a group chat.

you are one of the people in the group. you may, you can drag them down, games or whatever, but that's okay. you can't be good at anything, you're still growing up. actually, fuck that. human beings weren't meant to be perfect.

no person is horrible just for simply existing. it's their words, actions, that tell you who you are.

its okay to lash out at people. as long as you truly feel bad, as long as you apologize, jts fine.

cut off ties with people you feel uncomfortable with.sometimes, you just have to be an asshole. you deserve to be comfortable.

i do actually have the base thoughts of "im a bad person". then i have these thoughts (usually in the shower) that indicate i do care about how other people feel and that's a reminder that there's worse people out there, who actively go out of their ways to hurt people.

that's not your intentions, isn't it? to hurt people ALL THE TIME?

Its okay to want to hurt people. just not all the time. you don't feel that rage to hurt every person you see, ALL THE TIME, right?

then you're okay.

people have these "I hate everyone and I hate myself the world is cruel" thoughts time to time. you're not alone.

youre an okay person.

ypu may not be the greatest, but that's okay. no one expects you to be, you don't have to. just live your life comfortably.

you can't always be comfortable, but you don't have to feel like you're not allowed to be.

allow yourself some things. that's okay.

that's selfish, but that's just us. you can't be human without being selfish.

im sorry.

this was a selfish post.

selfish thoughts. they're hard to say "they're okay". so just let them go. it's not easy, they'll always come back like a boomerang, let yourself feel things. then let it go, until it comes back.

then let it go again.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

just saw a button that says "im not myself today. maybe im you" SHUT UP....... dont remind me!!! theres a specific shame in it that no one seems to grasp, which makes sense, when do i ever explain it?

it feels so. shameful, even though i know i cant help it, even if its just my natural tendency, its like. i want to RISE ABOVE my disorder, but.. i cant. its a personality disorder, it defines my personality. having back to back personality/dissociative disorders is so fucked up man i do not know who i am!!!! my only worth of myself comes from what other people tell me. am i sweet? am i kind? am i funny? at surface level i believe it, thats how i seem to others so it must be true... but beneath that i detest it, i feel rotten to my core. it feels disingenuous since its coming from others instead of within, so i feel like im hiding something. like theres some part of me thats so indescribably ugly and vile, and i cant let anyone i love see it. even when theyve already seen it, i hide it further, i pretend like its not real. i forget long conversations full of understanding and love, i embrace the fact that i need to hide this thing, this monster. there is no monster!! its just me, and that makes it worse.

isnt it horrifiying, though? i take the voices of others, take their mannerisms, sometimes i even take their skin, i shape myself in someone elses image. realistically i know why, mimicry keeps you safe from rejection, people are less likely to throw you away if you act like them. you are more likely to be accepted into a group if you mask and mirror. you pick up on their vocabulary, their personalities, and you display it back to them. but theres more to it than that, i spend too much time abusing myself over things i cant control, in the hopes that itll fix me. its not like i do it just to endear myself, i do it because i like it. is that worse, then? i like when i copy, i like the way people are!! i wanna be like the people i like, is that bad? i cant tell, i see it from both sides. it makes me feel dirty. i really dont know who i am

am i still the angry boy i was in middle school? that was me right? maybe it wasnt me, maybe im new.. if im new then who am i? am i the me i draw? the me i project out to others? who would that even be?? it seems no matter what, i remain dissatisfied with how everyone sees me, like theyre not seeing ME... but how can i know what that should be if i dont know myself? its like its locked somewhere within myself, but ill never be able to open it up, never be able to wear the skin i was meant to wear. i think it has nothing to do with the usual suspects, nothing to do with gender dysphoria, social anxiety, no. my mind is made of barriers and walls, im hiding from myself. i want to see it, dont i deserve it? its me after all.

to other people i must be someone right? so why does it feel so wrong? its not me, its wrong! surely its wrong? idk man. it makes me tired, i remember a couple years ago i managed to completely convince myself that i existed in a box and the box wasnt real, the whole time i was completely dissociated from my body, imagining one of my self inserts instead, crying and panicking because i wanted to get out of the box it was. MESSY, but when i calmed down i realized i was so worked up cuz i didnt know myself

for years ive worn the clothes my family picked, i didnt even know i could change my hair, i thought it wasnt allowed. i didnt have any self expression whatsoever. i was a husk, a shell of a person. to the point where now when i buy a piece of clothing, or i do ANYTHING with my appearance, i feel this.. it feels like such a big deal to me, and no one else really cares cuz hello? yr supposed to do that i guess, but i was 18 years too late. i have no sense of self cuz ive never explored myself, i thought it was against the rules. i dont know why i thought that, but its fucked me up i guess. i feel lost, i feel aimless. and im sucked back into that familiar feeling, i feel empty