#they're silencing me again
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can't watch bitb trailer rn. 10 dead, 348 injured.
#jrwi#jrwi bitb#stupid timezones always screwing me over#i should be asleep but... we don't talk about that#it's fine i'll just scream about it tomorrow#i still need to listen to the whole campaign#stupid lack of money and access to the patreon stuff#don't worry guys i'm getting a subscription soon#because christmas money#stupid wifi won't let me make this post#they're silencing me again
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#p4#p4g#persona 4#persona 4 golden#hanamura yosuke#yosuke hanamura#souyo#soooooooooo we gonna talk about how yosuke enthusiastically jumps in to tell yu that hes the same#so ive already talked a million times about how yu and yosuke's types are basically each other and that how their r/s is so defined by their#attraction to each others kindness and reliability and all that but im just#kanji's expression is sending me here LFMAO especially because kanji is low key the one that kind of points out their closeness the most#tatsumi “hey let me in on this conversation” kanji#tatsumi “whos your partner now!” kanji#1000% kanji knows they're into each other he knows they're flirting without realising they're flirting#like never ever forget kanji's own sensitivity to the people around him and HE KNOWS. WHATS. UP.#but also the way no one else except kanji intervenes lmao#lmao i think chie yukiko and their class president are just really used to what souyo are like together (embarrassing not-pda pda)#so theyre just ah business as usual theyre doing that thing again. this is minor. trivial in the grand scheme of everything else they do#its got nothing on them passing notes or the way yu turns around to smile at yosuke and yosuke smiles back and they just sit there smiling#at each other in absolute silence. their classmates know to just walk around them and leave them alone.#class prez knows if he has to tell one of them its their turn on duty its a lost cause. they'll make up for it later as they always do#but for now he knows he'll have to get the broom and sweep the classroom floor himself#ok i jest none of that is canon (is it) but thanks to the sample bias i have from this scene#i am on the floor laughcrying at how everyone at the tables just#watching souyo flirt shamelessly like ah theyre at it again. why did hanamura-kun even suggest a group date hes clearly already dating-#he's good with his queue
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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we talk softly in the kitchen and, in a way, it's everything I've ever wanted.
it's been a bad day. I'm reheating dinner when you walk in, not to grab anything, but just to talk to me because we haven't seen each other in a while.
you know things aren't going well but you don't immediately ask why I've been distant (i'm silently grateful for this small grace). instead we talk about this and that, and the microwave pings distantly in the background but I couldn't care less. you show me the tattoo that you got today, and I can't help but be excited at your excitement despite despite despite the raging black hole inside of me. I can't help but smile at your easy radiance.
I wasn't planning on it, but I make myself a cup of tea, just to have an excuse to stay here a little longer. to bathe in the fragile peace and bask in your presence.
I always did ache for your company.
you ask me how my day's been, eventually, and whether I want to talk about it. I laugh and say it wasn't great, and the light admission balks in comparison to the storm of the last week, but its an admission nonetheless. it's more than i thought i'd be able to give. its nothing compared to what i want to say but can't.
you see it anyway. in the way my hands shake and my smile is brittle around the edges, I meet your eyes and I know that you know.
and so we stand there, in the warm light of the kitchen nestled in a long, tight hug, and in a way, it's everything I ever wanted. there are a million battles raging in my heart and maybe nothing's okay at the moment, but you hold me close and tell me to take care of myself and for a moment I can breathe again, I can remember my own name.
there's a long way to go to get out of this mess, but when we softly say goodnight I carry the memory of your gentle smiles and warm embrace all the way to my bedroom and think maybe, just maybe, things will be okay.
in a way, it's everything I've ever wanted.
(you always were gentle with my heart.)
#queerplatonic yearning hours#I suppose this is a love letter of sorts#of all the things I want to say to you but can't#(but then again you've always been good at reading between my lines)#I know I went from posting near daily in anticipation of us moving in together to practically radio silence#and tbh I just haven't found the words to encompass the enormity (and gentle mundanity) of the past few months#that will probably change once they go away for winter break and I'm left with memories and timezone-delayed texts#maybe some calls if I'm lucky#I don't know where the time has gone#summer without them seemed to stretch so enormously long#but our time together has passed in a heartbeat leaving me breathless in the wake#and I know I'm being sappy but I hold onto moments like these#god knows they're my lifeline at times#queerplatonic#alterous attraction#squish#aromantic#cosmo rambles#aroace#yearning
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"careful, or i'll quote that"
#adamandi#was going to be normal but then this scene popped into my head and played on loop and like#guys this scene just makes me Miserable. they're so friends now they're so happy and funny and then later in the show#she manipulates him and he tries to kill her and like. my god beatrix vincent friendship. omg.#im so. it kills me. i realise these arent the most accurate character styles but i Had to get it out. oh my god. literally the other day i#i was like ''oh haha im not going to directly draw scenes from the show im going to be Thinky and Extra'' but no actually sometimes the#the scenes from the show just hit. this line the delivery the Situations it kills me. im so hnnghghf about them#something also maybe about rewatching media knowing the whole plot and the extra Tragedy it all brings also. like to know the ending will#break your heart (but be also some sort of stunning catharsis) and to watch it all!!! again!!!! aaagh.#fun facts about the first time i watched adamandi proper after looking through the tumblrs and half-spoiling it for myself.. i went in with#the strangest assumptions of portia dies/ vincent makes a virus that kills the other nominees instead of actually stabby stabby and the#new invented biological thing would make him the winner a-la frankenstein style //. quincy cuts off his hand????? i am not sure where any#of these came from T-T but im glad i was wrong on literally every count.#miscellaneous brainrots from re-watching.. in the very very start i think vincent is wearing a mask in word to the wise?? like it was probs#a covid safety thing but it makes me go teehee for some reason. like the whole infectious thing was foreshadowed LMAO (approx 35 seconds in#also the balloons. and the admin. and the balloons. the way it's horrific and the balloons gently rain down#and you can see them bounce in the stunned silence. ooo that little detail. what a moment.#also at this point? i have been noticing the little inconsistencies in actions btwn shots but a) they're not seeable unless you're looking#Closely like i was for specific moments as references.. and b) it makes u think about the inconsistency of theatre as a medium and how nth#is ever delivered the same two ways which is really just !!!! to me. smth smth so so many ways to intepret characters and how everything is#always in flux every single cycle. theatre medium my beloved.#last side note from now: i am so abnormal about the marmorius society members who were phaethon nominees in their own right and instead#perished helping ambrose with HIS project. like. that is some sort of love there isn't it? like???? yes they're all bullies and awful but.#i've been reaching tag limit really quickly with all the recent posts. rambles i guess. so so many thoughts. well actual tags now i guess!#vincent aurelius lin#beatrix valeria campbell
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9. The Warrior of Light has been through quite a lot, but what is a moment, big or small, that bolstered and renewed their spirit? Was it a cup of hot cocoa or a lovingly crafted sandwich? Did someone give them a few words or a gesture at just the right time that meant the world to them? (Of course, this can be a canon event or headcanon!) (x)
Corisande struggled after Haurchefant's death and though she tried to hide it from her companions, Estinien easily saw through the facade. He mostly did left her alone in that regard, but would sometimes sit quietly with her so she was not completely alone in her grief. And even though they hardly spoke, Corisande knew he understood her pain and appreciated his presence at her side. It was enough to keep her going in one of the hardest times of her life, and was the beginning of the deep friendship and respect they have for each other in the present.
#oc: corisande ymir#i feel like i write all of these answers in the tone of a student taking a test lasdkfdsa#anyway. i think a lot about that scene right before going to azys la where shtola is like we should be proud of how far we've come#and says the wol is like the hope of mankind or smth and estinien comes up like no. we still have things to accomplish#and i think it was then that cori really understood just how much he understands what its like to be them...the champion of a nation that#ppl idealize and look to even when they're suffering...idk#also i do imagine cori was like ty i appreciate that. never talk to shtola like that again. <3 asldfjsd#endwalker spoilers#ffxiv#cori lore prompts#dont @ me about the armor okay i needed his face to be visible. altho it would be funny if he just sat in silence next to cori#with his helmet on#gpose
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Last year I started this huge project of redrawing a bunch of my Self Inserts in my more plump body style, a few of which I posted sporadically as I made them. The plan was to full a whole page with all my old S/Is and then full color all of them and post them all together.
I recently picked that project back up and added a few more S/Is but.. The longer I look at my massive canvas the less motivated I am to color it and then the less motivated I am to do other art
So! Here's the clean sketches for all the ones who go together, the rest I'll be posting as before, just random bunches of unrelated S/Is, uncolored until someone asks about them.
#Emile's Arts#Self Insert#Feel free to ask about any of these btw I've talked about all of them before#But now they're all New and to keep myself sane I won't color them unless someone shows interest in them#Because my coloring game is off recently kfjgkdfjg#Anyway!#I wanna thank everyone who follows this blog for hanging around#I know I go through weird bursts of creating a bunch and then reblogging a bunch with a few days of radio silence every here and there#So I wanna thank you for you patients and more importantly for your encouragement#When I started this redesign project and was posting just 4-5 unrelated S/Is at once I was always so excited to get asks about them#I really only ever want to do something if someone else is interested in it so my motivation waxes and wanes with what y'all interact with#So just. Thankyou for interacting so I can have the motivation to create!#It really has been an uplifting experience self inserting like this with y'all here with me#So thank you once again
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Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy
You have... very very very very very very very very smart people you know, and they're say something that not only isn't true, but literally is as opposite of the truth as it's possible to be... and you'll... gently inform them "hey, it's actually a bit more like this" and then they just kinda... go on saying literally the exact same thing
I'm not sure if it's just that... I often feel like I must be very bad at communicating, or people must just not notice/ignore a lot of what I say, but... I don't know
Like dearest friend, you've said something as absurd as... I don't know, it's hard to say without saying it, but honest to god about as absurd as saying the United States was a part of the USSR, that level of completely getting it backwards
...and it just doesn't seem to matter when I try to explain it... I legit don't even know if you read what I said
Really end up feeling like I'm going nuts sometimes
#to be clear; I don't mind people disagreeing with me (though that's not what's happened here... I don't think I came into it at all)#but all I need in order to be able to work with disagreement is just... knowing you at least heard and understood me#like if it's 'I get that you think that vanilla is a good flavor of icecream; but I really prefer chocolate'... ok; this works for me#it's that... a lot of the time it honest feels more like 'what are you talking about? vanilla isn't a flavor' where... huh?#let's take a real example; not everyone needs to agree with me on nuclear#but like... someone saying 'I get that it's way safer these days; but I still worry about waste storage'... well ok then#but if it's just like 'but it's dangerous and will explode' even after I've explained about the designs now#where there's a salt plug that with melt and drain before anything can happen; and these materials don't like to run away#...and it's not like they're asking me to back up the source; it's like I never said anything at all...#what am I supposed to do here? you feel me on that? do you start to get why I feel like I'm going crazy when that's how it often feels?#no one is obliged to agree with me but... literally just active listening would fix this... say you heard me and we're good#acknowledge that I voiced something and it's been noted#honestly... honestly my who life it's felt like I must somehow actually be invisible#...to an extent maybe I'm a figment of my own imagination; I might well be a ghost that's lonely and makes you all up#...for all the impact my actions have#or maybe literally everything I say just comes out garbled... is that it?#this post is about something very specific; but it's also about something that happens a lot with a lot of different people#on a broader scale; why is it no one else seems to be able to connect the dots#and these aren't like... conspiracy theory dots; these are like russia buys drones from Iran; therefore russia and Iran are partners#that's the kind of dots I'm talking about connecting; please tell me that's not a conspiracy theory to you... it seems plain to me#I don't know... I really don't... I don't think much I say will ever have any impact anywhere on anyone#...honestly a good 90% of the time people don't even respond to what I say#not like my posts here; I mean direct in dms or whatever; I'll say stuff and it's just silence or a new subject#again; across multiple people; it's common... it's... I think it happens more often than it doesn't#I can instantly name 4 conversations with 4 different people that's happened with lately#and that's not counting the 3 where I know the reason why it's happened#I really am something unfit to live; the evidence is endless#mm tag so i can find things later
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"leftists don't fall for/into right wing hate campaigns for other groups as much as they do for antisemitism" is a really funny way of broadcasting which groups you pay attention to. Anyway we all do remember V*ush and his sycophants constantly claiming "land back is a call for ethnostates" and baiting WOC to intentionally misrepresent their politics on race up to and including claiming they want white genocide, right.
Acting like somehow people on the left are often progressive about every other thing but are antisemites is absurd. It happens, but its not common. An antisemite is often also a racist, a xenophobe, religiously intolerant overall, etc. There are plenty of racist, xenophobic, shithead leftists. Anyone who's actually a leftist would know there's constant tumbling online with shithead leftists and they never have just one shithead opinion.
#cipher talk#V*ush is also an antisemite but his hate campaigns to my knowledge focus on people of color#Antisemitism is more like a sickening bonus he pulls out in these debates#Also! This sort of shit in my experience is more common than isolated 'leftist antisemitism' among actual leftists#The people following V*ush's lead consider themselves leftists#Some examples of 'leftist Antisemitism' people pull really feel like they saw an antisemite express one progressive opinion and screamed#'ITS THE DAMN LEFT AGAIN'#I promise you. A lotta people doing that are not leftists#It annoys me because there are actual common tropes of leftist antisemitism I experience but it feels like people only bring up the idea#When talking about Zionism#Actual things I've experienced have like. Nothing or little to do with that. It's more 'a lot of shit c*ntrapoints has done' and militant#Or utoptian atheism (the latter being something I've had other marginalized religious people tell me was making them uncomfortable but that#They didn't feel comfortable speaking up about in leftist spaces)#Or like. People who didn't grow up in the West saying offensive shit because they know what a Nazi is but never got a proper education#About Jewish history- generally they aren't trying to be offensive. They literally do not know better. It doesn't make it okay#But it's not the same as the other shit#Or in some cases they're like. A hypocrite who believes in anti colonialism but only for themselves#Such as that one guy who saw me speaking about Coptic issues and the importance of leftists to not cede ground to Zionists by letting them#Coopt ideas from MENA indigenous groups and said 'shut up Jew'. He didn't know I was Jewish. He was making an unfavorable comparison to#Shame me into silence#Admittedly it was funny and I still think it's funny because jeez man. At least say a slur! But it was antisemitic regardless of the fact#That I found it to stupid to be upset by#It's also notable there that like. The guy was not primarily mad because of Judaism. He was angry because of a Copt existing and talking#The Copt happened to be my freak ass and Coincidentally was what I am
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ㅤ
#I want to stop being a burden to people I love#I'm so so so so sorry that I can't talk#I just want to love someone and be loved#I want to support someone every step of the way without just being a weight on their mind#Worst thing about being poly is that you can disappoint and be a burden to more than one partner at a time#Ash Eclipse Abby Faye Petra Crow#I love them all so so so so very dearly#So why can't I just be fucking normal and talk to them?#They're all worth loving and I can't be worth loving back#I can't tell if they are loving a lie of me or if they just keep me around for pity#I deserve to be hurt for every time I've hurt one of them but bitch I'm not even worth the dulling of the knife#I want them to read this so they know I'm sorry#But I also just wish I could just hide it all again to make sure I don't make it worse#I don't know what to do#I don't think 3 of them love me anymore and the other 3 are loving a lie#Not to mention the dozens of friends I've let down#Fuck im an awful person#Why can't I just be fucking normal for once in my life?#I'm going to try my best to apologize#But I'm not sure if I can#Im not going to hurt myself don't worry#I promise#tw vent#Vent#If you're reading this#I love you no matter how fucking loud my silence is#I'm sorry
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Starting pride month with the pharmacy denying me my testosterone prescription until mid-June and my doctor saying she can't do anything about it because it's a controlled substance 🙃✌️
#i should also add that it's been a week of trying to get her respond to the messages#'hey i don't want to be off my t for a month'#[full day of silence]#'sorry i don’t know why you can't get your refill but i can't do anything about it'#i am going to lose my mcfucking mind#that's not to mention a long argument where my now former friend#because they're one of those 'trump and biden are both equally bad' people who's planning on just letting trump take power again#because they seem to think that you can boycott a high-level politician in a critical election like it's a fucking soda company#for someone who used being communist as a justification for it#they sure have a very capitalist perspective on politics#i also couldn't fall asleep until literal dawn this morning because i forgot my sleep aids#and then when i did fall asleep i had a solid hour of nightmares#and tw for neurodivergence-based disordered eating for this next one#but my brain hasn't let me eat much of anything all day because it's not 'the right food'#it also will not tell me what 'the right food' is#anyways pride month is off to a pretty shitty start#OH and work changed my schedule from working mids to working primarily night shifts without telling me#and my ortho's advice for my wrist fucked it up a lot more and she hasn't responded to my email from a week ago#i'm fucking miserable#if you need me i'll be playing stardew and listening to sad gay music#personal#vent#rant
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I feel like one of my friendships isn't equal
#its in different ways for us both#i don't put in as much enthusiasm as they do into when we talk about shows we both like or other stuff we both like#but I still try#but when it comes to talking about me or what I like it's more of near radio silence#and I constantly feel guilty for being a bad friend#like once I rbed a post with a guy mentioned that I had no idea who it was#and they asked others what to do because it hurt that the post was insulting the guy#and they ended up talking to me and telling me it made them feel bad#but that sent me into a spiral#like i became afraid that I was going to accidentally hurt them again because I didn't know they liked something#i wanted validation on my new url and they ended up being uncomfortable with my url#idk it feels like I keep on messing up on being a friend#they always ask if they're annoying me which they're really not but it makes me feel like I'm acting in a way that suggests they are#probably with my late and limited responses to their paragraphs#it doesn't feel like I'm a good friend at all. like they need to stop being friends with me because I suck#idk sorry#i feel frustrated because I can't really talk about what I like anywhere it seems#maybe I'm just not a compatible person
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i'm starting to regret always being patient and understanding when someone takes a while to text back (as in days or weeks even) because now it seems like people think it's alright to straight up ignore my messages
#my mood lately has been swinging between “they still like me they're just busy” and “they hate me and don't wanna talk to me ever again”#about so many of my friends#and the silence isn't helping. like is it the regular silence or will it never end idk anymore#🦷
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Io non ce la faccio più
#imagine doing this for your whole life lmao not gonna happen nothing will get out of this vagina thank you#I'm here exhausted and with a headache and i honestly just wanted some silence and to relax but nooooo#the kid's here#which means he can do whatever he wants without a sense of measure because apparently that's how my parents want to deal with him#don't get me wrong I don't agree with giving them a fuckton of restrictions and rules#but if he has limits with his parents why not here too#they're the same limits#like maybe 'no you can't play with pots now because you're being too loud and people are going to sleep. you may play with only one pot if#you want but only one'#no#here it's pinicchio's land of toys#do you think i got a say in this? ah. think again
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Found Gojo/Ijichi art. All is good in the world
#The chokehold they have on me is unexpected lol#I was thinking just a few days ago that Gojo/Utahime was growing on me in earnest beyond the art and fics#even though it definitely came from that with how looking for Utahime stuff almost necessarily takes you to Gojo#But yeah Ijichi/Gojo still are it for me here haha I felt like a genoma soldier in mgs when I saw the art. Could feel the ! pop over my head#I could have done a silly little dance#I don't know. It wasn't even romantic truly? Or not explicitly? I love when art does that. For some reason it moves me so much#There's this comic in which Utahime Shoko and Ijichi all feel Gojo's absence through the silence he left behind#instead of being his annoying self asking for sweet or teasing or joking around and it left such a big impression on me#And there's another one in which Utahime is doing just something work related and suddenly she notices how quiet it is#How strange the silence#Smiles softly because it's comfortable. Because it's better. But it doesn't feel better. It doesn't feel good.#Her smiling face and tilting head thinking 'Oh. It's so quiet. How strange' doesn't feel positive at all and that too isn't exactly ship art#but it too moved me to the bone and left a big impression on me#Ship related art with Gojo as one of the parties I love when they include Geto's absence somewhat. There's one in which Gojo's talking#with Geto and iirc Geto teases him about how he doesn't look happy at all about finally getting Utahime to agree to a date with him#and Gojo makes some comment about how it's all for nothing because there's an uncrossable line between them. A separation#That they're bound to break up or something so it's not truly worth it to make the connection#And then you can see Gojo is actually alone and Geto was never there. He just knew him so well he could make up what he would have said#And damn was that good#Same with that one first fic I read back in June. It was Gojo/Utahime but it was in great part about Geto's abandonment of Gojo and Shoko#It started and ended that way#And it drove me nuts haha so good#Anyway... I don't know. I love when artista exploit that aspect of the characters mourning Gojo in their daily routines#Ijichi checking if there's still sweets in the car. Shoko double checking some rooms. Utahime musing about how quiet it is without him#It feels so... so true to life. How it never ends. How at times memory plays tricks on you and for one instant you almost forget#You almost expect the other person to appear. And then the absence feels bigger and unbearable again#Like living it all over again#Oh it's true. I don't need to keep sweets in the car anymore#It's true. He won't ever be in this room again nor will he ever be the one opening the morge's door#He won't be making noise or interrupting me anymore. I can't even say it's bothersome yet it is. What do I do with this silence I have left?
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life is hard but at least I can draw my OCs kissing <3
#my art#i am once again trying out sharing art here lol (the last couple of times i did i got 0 notes so we'll see how it goes)#anyway i'm obsessed with them#they're getting me through these tough times#also trying to learn how to draw kisses and it's hARD#this is a sketch i started a million years ago#but i'm pretty happy with how it turned out#my characters#the silence agenda
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