#they're my dopamine my everything in this world

[aobawilliams]

🎙🎀🤲

[Let’s Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks]

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

I uuuuhhh honestly don't care?? Like yes it would be an honor but also I generally don't listen to podfic and don't really look into it in general.

(That said, because it's worth saying, I always expect people to contact me directly (whether via comments or through tumblr or whatever) if they want to add my work to collection or if they wanted to do a podfic or anything like that? I mean Fanart you don't need to contact me before but you have to tell me about it because omg I'd die and also talk about it forever and ever but anyway call me old fashioned but I just think it's the kind of thing you should ask first??? thats just weird personal hang up things)

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I am very funny. Hilarious even. The funniest person in the area.

For real any jokes cater to one person specifically and that person is me.

🤲what do YOU get out of writing?

I'd say I get a fic. But that'd implies I actually get any writing finished-

More seriously first of all I get to make friends. The fanfiction to Eeby Deeby pipeline is real and that's how I got there (in a convoluted way). And I get the happy butterflies whenever people interact with my work/me, like asking questions and leaving comments and me answering and all of that like ngl that's most of the reason I'm doing it.

[huellitaa]

⊹˚. ♡ true beauty

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 what being kind does to you

heightened self esteem

increase empathy and compassion

tend to be healthier in all areas

helps form new relationships

better mental health

decrease blood pressure and cortisol

increase serotonin, dopamine & oxytocin

contrary to popular belief kindness is not something that should be overlooked. we've been taught to be kind hundreds of times and yet some of us never actually do it.

one epiphany i've had recently is that humans are such bigoted creatures. we think we have the right to do whatever we like just because we're the dominant species on this earth. we are top of the biological hierarchy, so therefore we have the right to do whatever we like.

another thing i've found is that that fact often bleeds into people's attitudes. people are so fucking rude nowadays honestly. maybe it's the fact i live in england, maybe it's the fact people are so entitled in this day and age they think they can do whatever they like to everything and everyone with no repercussions, but kindness seems scarce nowadays.

how is food made? by the people who take their time to make it for you, be it your local supermarket or your loved ones slaving away in the kitchen all day.

how do we sleep? because we care enough about ourselves to make sure we get rest to be energised and refreshed the next day and for the days to come.

how do we have clothes on our back? because people care enough to weave pieces of fabric together just so we aren't walking around bare and naked every day.

you want to become more likeable? be sweet. be kind. don't sacrifice yourself for anybody, but take the time out of your day to do something for someone. it will make their day i promise, even if it doesn't then you've still made yourself happy 😭 ♡

🐰𓂃 ࣪˖ little kind things you can do

send a letter to someone

bake or make something for someone

compliment someone every day

have a clear out and donate to charity

smile at everyone and anyone

greet someone you might see often but don't really talk to

promote a friend's work

get someone to go on a spontaneous adventure with you!!!

hide a list of things you love about someone in their things if you're too shy to just give it to them

offer to take someone's photo if they're struggling like a couple or a family

do something sweet for your neighbours

learn how to say hello in multiple different languages

encourage and listen to someone even if you don't know them that well

talk to someone who looks lonely and chat with them, don't leave them out

make something random for someone who was nice to you for no reason

sit down and have a chat with someone struggling with homelessness

put a surprise note or cute drawing on someone's desk or workplace

we are so sweet at heart!!! everything we know is born from love!!! everyone is born good!!! it's only circumstances that make people stray from that.

please don't stop giving, please don't stop caring, please don't stop loving with your whole heart; hold the door open for someone, give someone something, smile at someone, pet an animal, do something just to bring joy and love into the world a little more. the world is filled with so many people who have strayed from the path of innocence and we need those people back.

to have a kind heart is to be beautiful. true beauty is not found in the skin, but in the mind. the more you give, the more you love, the more you learn, the more you smile, the more you enjoy, that is what makes the world beautiful, and that is what makes you beautiful <3

the most beautiful people are always the kindhearted ones who will live the most and make the most out of their lives. love is the only thing that holds this world together. please don't stop giving it, ever; it is the most beautiful thing this world has to offer

all my love 🫶💝

[lains-reality]

some ideas if you want to test how far you can go

obviously you are limitless, but you need to see how far you can go yourself, lester had the motto of 'i only know that which i can do' and asked 'what can i do?' since why not go all the way? not out of obligation or fear, but to see how much you can maximise your peace and joy! do it for the truth!

almost all of these require mindfulness as you need to be able to catch yourself in the moment of the mind's chatter - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now). infact your whole life will be based on the present moment, and not being in it makes it infinitely harder so please read the book.

whoever i expected something from: give to myself 

before you do this: go here! (getting to a state of neutrality first might make this easier)

this one is to think back on a person that you don't like, now think abt whether you expected something from them. did you want them to act a certain way? now, whatever peace, love, security that you think they were meant to give you, feel that yourself

and even if it was someone that is meant to give you those things, you will need to release your hatred of them and give them up. you don't need to forgive them right now, but you will soon when you won't care much of their impact on your life and when you see that everybody is acting off insane levels of fear. i released my hatred of someone who is literally meant to take care of me and now i don't care abt them, i used to hate having any contact with them but now i can talk to them and not have my mind run 50 miles an hour. also! they called me to say that they're working on themself & will repair what they did

just keep doing that and going back to other people until you feel no more obligation to care abt what they did! this is (one way to) how you become free of attachment to people, and less anger

astral projection

pretty self explanatory, just try ap, it'll make you see you're not your body

for this i'd definitely see how far i could travel and for how long

‘No matter what happens, I will create no more pain for myself.  I will create no more problems.’

this one is to affirm this at the start of your day and surrender all trouble and control, just this one day (or longer) you'll let yourself have no problems

throughout the day you can remind yourself, when you are getting wound up, that today you've given up troubles and problems

this requires mindfulness - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now)

‘Am i willing to live (in a world) with no problems?’

this is just a question to be used for self-inquiry, meditation, an affirmation, whatever

‘What would i do if there were no others?’

same as the last question

no input

no music, no books, no overconsumption, no anything

just like a dopamine detox?

this one might be hard too (and maybe a bit useless, but try it?)

‘From here on, i have everything i need as i need it’

this one is to affirm this at the start of your day and surrender all trouble and control, just this one day (or longer) you'll let yourself have everything you need

throughout the day you can remind yourself, when you are getting wound up, that today you've given up worrying, anticpation of the worst and projecting into the future

this requires mindfulness - that you can get through being in the present moment (read eckhart tolle's practicing the power of now)

remove time - stop living through memory and anticipation

"Time and mind are inseparable. Remove time from the mind and it stops - unless you choose to use it. To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation." - eckhart tolle, practising the power of now, pg. 31

self explanatory again, just remove time lol

idk you gonna have to figure this one out yourself

good challenge tbh

deleting or revising something everybody knows

not just some memory only you and 2 people remember, something like changing the name of earth itself

or historical events, or the order a song came out from your favourite artist

go crazy! keep in mind that there's no big or small, its all the same concept in awareness, even if i do imply it

just thinking abt when you go to search the thing you revised in google and it doesn't come up lol

live as if theres no past

this one is something that you should definitely try

i think this becomes the norm when you are present in the now (which is why its so important!)

the point is when you go bed, wipe out your past, through whatever way you like. then in the morning make a declaration that the past is no longer relevent! no longer will you go back to it as a source of identity, breaking the habit of it!

inspired by this quote by osho

i think this one will yield interesting results

in the end, the goal is not especially to get results, but to release fear and limitations. you also get to practise being in the present moment!

[letters-of-libertas]

Ending this series about friendships on a positive note - green flags in relationships with women. Based on my female friendships I've had that's lasted years; full of enrichment & has taught me a lot in life.

They respect your boundaries - women that respect how you want to engage show a level of value + respect they have for you. Should be a basic thing but it is a good sign if you're able to express being uncomfortable with or talking about something & they respect it.

They have life beyond maIes - Be it seeking their validation, or obsessing over them in a positive/negative way. When you're with them they're not constantly talking about maIes or throwing you under the bus for them. Vital as a single childfree woman as you're less likely to be burdened with picking up the slack womens nigels leave behind.

You feel nourished after spending time with them - Friendships should add to your wellbeing. The world is tough as is; having good friends will make getting through it easier.

They keep it real - You can talk through issues with them. They can tell you when you're messing up (as well as when you're doing good) and put it in ways for your own good & not to be condescending. You can have minor disagreements & it doesn't lead to a major argument or fallout.

You can count on them - Note count and depend are two different things. You dont want to depend on others but realistically we need others; them being able to help you to an extent as you would with them is important. Help doesnt have to be financial or even physical but even just emotional support can go a long way.

They shut down negative talk about you - if they're in company where people are saying negative things about you they would defend you because they care about you. They wouldn't indulge or be comfortable letting people crap on you otherwise.

There's pacing - As the saying goes; fast wont last, slow will grow. Typically the closest friendships you have come from the least expected people/places and bc of that lack of expectation overtime the relationship had a chance to naturally grow. I think part of why many female friendships tend to be toxic and end horribly is because they're rushed. They get too close too quick leaving no room for inspection. Dopamine & adrenaline is running high, you feel like you're on cloud 9 with them even as doubt starts to crop up but eventually the pressure gets too much and everything bursts - ending abruptly.

As difficult as it can be to find & make solid female friendships; give yourself time, you can find good ones out there that are worth it, uplift you, and improve your life as a single childfree woman and generally speaking.

[soapoet]

PJO pick-a-card reading

Luke Castellan; A message from above

Soapy scribbles: I opted to format this topic as generally as possible since we all hold various different beliefs. Whether this message comes from your spirit guides, angels, higher self, God, any deity, ancestor or passed loved ones, or anything beyond my comprehension, is for you alone to know based on how it resonates with you. I am just the messenger and it is no business of mine who your particular sender is.

01.

Shufflemancy: Travelling by James Spiteri

You're coming out of a period of stagnation. Either delays entirely out of your control, or the sheer lack of motivation has kept you at a stalemate unable to proceed with your plans. You have found comfort in distractions aplenty. A seemingly never-ending cycle of avoiding the next step because it appears so very daunting, then being overcome with guilt and shame, which you again run from, chasing anything and everything which would put these feelings at bay. Now the first step looks less frightening, and you may feel more motivated to journey onwards.

Growing pains may feature, but you are able to handle them well. You may feel inclined to keep secrets, especially regarding your endeavours. This will prove beneficial as it reduces pressure, you now have nobody to hold yourself accountable but you, and you avoid the urge to run away should anybody dare inquire about your progress. Push yourself forward, as unnerving as it may be. You will quickly notice how light you are on your feet and the distance you can go when harnessing the dopamine from simply overcoming this fear.

Do not be too hard on yourself or expect to run a marathon. A little progress is better than none, but do not use busy work as yet another distraction. You have great gifts and plenty to share with the world, and you are destined to inspire others with your achievements and your accolades. As much as you detest routine, try to keep even a small one. Do a little bit every day to inch yourself closer to your dreams. To avoid feelings of uncertainty and your fears of failure, set aside time to sit with yourself in silence and ask yourself why you want this, where it will lead, and why that is where you want to be and what you hope to achieve, the life you wish to lead and what legacy you wish you leave. Remind yourself of the answers to these questions whenever motivation begins to evade you on your journey.

Sometimes a writer can only muster a sentence, perhaps one they will later entirely eliminate, yet they did something. And sometimes all this writer can do is stare at the manuscript before them and give of themselves nothing. Yet they did something. They got up to look at it rather than wince across the room and refuse to rise to the occasion at all. Celebrate even your smallest victories and allow yourself a cheer when you muster even the slightest effort. Do not expect perfection of yourself and know that many before you had to go through trial and error, and learn and adapt along the way. That is perfectly okay and you do not need a doctorate straight out of the womb to be good enough.

02.

Shufflemancy: Kiss the rain by Yiruma

You must cease this pattern of giving up your energy so easily to so many who are not deserving of your time. When bad news arrive, it is fine to feel whichever way you feel, but anchoring your emotions to this negativity will suck you dry of the life force that you need to shine. You are allowed to have boundaries and you are encouraged to enforce them and guard them closely. Those who would trespass should know punishment swiftly. Do not tolerate things you do not tolerate truly. Do not quietly hope unfortunate things go away and that people notice your discomfort and stop what they're doing that is harming you.

Stand up for yourself and make your thoughts and feelings heard. It is also not your duty or responsibility to translate a simple no or a stop to people wilfully ignorant and always finding a justification for their words and actions. No is a full sentence. Anybody who fails to internalize this fact and look in the mirror to reflect and to change any behaviour that's lead them to ignore this simple command is not a headache to take as yours. You should be unapologetic in your selfcare and demand space when you need it. Set aside your fears and shoo away any prowling feelings of shame and guilt. If you would be happier alone than in bad company, seek solitude and cut off what no longer serves you.

There are lessons some learn only upon a collapse. You may pray for a change of heart and hope for the sun to shine again, but you do not need to weather storms that are not yours to experience. You're not a bad person for stepping back and saying enough is enough in a situation that only causes you distress. Those who need help must want it and ask for it. You can promise to be there when they're ready and aid in their recovery, and still express to them the grief that they have caused you. Sometimes people need to be faced with the harsh truth. The pain and the agony and sleepless nights which they have brought upon you and others and be shown they could truly lose it all lest they stop and strive to do and be better.

If somebody truly needs help and you do not have the heart to abandon them, seek assistance. You need not be alone in a quest which requires more than you alone have to give. There are many sources of help and even more solutions once more hands are there to help, and you only have two and are allowed to seek extra pairs to aid you in this task. You are commended for your resilience and your kind heart. It may break and bleed often, and you must know that things will get better. These rough waters will calm soon enough and you will find peace.

03.

Shufflemancy: Ballerina by Yehezkel Raz

You don't need to run so fast. You have all the time in the world to make the changes that you want and need. Slow down and allow yourself to breathe. You have been much too hard on yourself and allowed everything outside of you to weigh you down. Shelf some burdens that were never yours to carry and make the choice to serve yourself for a change. Be gentle with yourself and listen to your own body and soul, and act according to that which is truly in your best interest. You are your own worst enemy when you let the beasts feed upon your negative self talk and your fixations on perceived failures.

Know that you have no more need for tips and tricks and new methods to your madness. You already have everything that you need, and no tool beyond your own consciousness is required. You could paint cathedral ceilings with just your imagination, so cease your struggle and let yourself be carried by the stream. Do not waver in your convictions, and do not let doubt lead you astray. Stick to what you know in your heart to be true and cast away every inkling of worry and fear.

You need to learn to let life happen to you rather than holding the reins so tightly you vitiate the opportunity to experience the present moment altogether. The present is all we really have, so try your best to cling neither to the past or the future. We all have regrets behind us, and wishes for the future, but it is the present moment which we truly have control over and get to experience.

Let go of any unhealthy dependencies you may have allowed to take root in your garden. Whether this is a person, a habit, or a situation, if it isn't doing you any good in the long-term, do your best to weed it out so that more energy may be received by the things you do wish to grow and nurture. If you feel unqualified to tackle some of this gardening, do not hesitate to ask for help and guidance from gentle people who will understand how delicate some situations may be. You do not need to tolerate fear mongering or unnecessary pressure, time constraints or misplaced ultimatums. Be direct with what you need and the tone and feel you wish to engage in so that you do not end up feeling cornered and threatened so much that you refuse any help at all in favour of protecting yourself from harsh criticism and judgement.

[nownahc]

tokens of appreciation | jww.

introduction | wonwoo & company

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wonwoo | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. oh my god by fog lake

facts

- picked up photography when he was really young. his brother had wanted to try it out but quickly gave up. wonwoo tried it for himself, and never let go since then - a senior in photography major. often gets upset with some of the teachers view on art. thinks they're too closed off. also, very shy about posting his pictures. - likes to be alone on his night strolls to take pictures. still, he can't say no when mingyu asks to tag along. - apart from photography, wonwoo loves gaming, reading and puzzles - wonwoo lives alone and tends to feel lonely. he never states so though. - he's closed off and never really talked about his feelings or struggles. always managed to say enough to quiet his friends and not enough to be truthfull about what he's going through

one thing hoshi would like wonwoo to know... open up more, we're worried about you

mingyu | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. how to drown by cottonwood firing squad

facts

- often get mischaracterized as a dumb, casanova guy. often gets insecure because of that and, lowkey scared that he'll end up becoming the person everyone thinks he is - genuinely frustrated and sad when people don't approach him because of that. thinks no one really knows nor understand who he is. exept wonwoo - childhood bestfriend with wonwoo. spent 2 years without talking to each others though. the reasons why will never be disclosed by neither of them - mingyu always has his phone on him in case his family, or friends seek help, he thrives in being people's happy pill - it's rare for mingyu to shut down or be quiet. when he does, it means that he's seriously in pain - he doesn't believe in grudges, if he accepts your apology, then consider your fault completly erased in his brain. just don't do it twice.

one thing seungcheol would like mingyu to know... you're a better person than i am

seungcheol | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. inside out by duster

facts

- used to be on of those person who mischaracterized mingyu. due to forced proximity in high school thanks to various clubs, he learnt that mingyu was a cool guy - to this day, he still feels guilt as to how he portrayed mingyu - quit drinking and smoking as his new year resolution. so far he's doing good - tends to vent in their groupchat then dips off from the surface of the earth for a few days. comes back later as if nothing happened - he doesn't know how to comfort people, but he's an excelent rationnal advice giver - never attended college, he works with his brother in a record store. coolest guy in town

one thing mingyu would like seungcheol to know... when i said i forgave you, i meant it

hoshi | ▶• ılıılıılılıılıılı. problems by pinegrove

facts

- believes love is the most important thing this wolrd can provide. wether it's family, friends or a lover, love is the glue and solution to everything to him - he's a senior in biology major. wants to work in a zoo, he's an heavy feline lover - never really studies but he always manages to pass his exams. in class, he's really attentive and that's really all he needs to have good grades - often cancel plans because he'd rather hang with his mom. his friends never get upset when he does. - wants to travel the world on his own after he graduates. terrified he won't see what the world has to give, always up for an adventure - currently is in a dopamine detox challenge, hence why he's slow with his replies

one thing wonwoo would like hoshi to know... you deserve to be happy, whoever gets to fall in love with you or have you in their life is lucky

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[gougarfem]

how was the process of getting a dumbphone!

oh my god this is something i'm so excited to talk about, sorry it took me so many months to respond!

getting a dumbphone improved my quality of life so so much. i knew my screentime was high, but didn't realise it was a genuine psychological addiction until i quit. the first few days were extremely rough. time seemed to pass about ten times slower, and i was forced to fill the hours with various hobbies and activities. i know we all love to tell people to touch grass, but i really did have to connect with nature and it did wonders for my mental health.

i think for the first three days i was constantly restless and horribly irritable, looked around for my phone every few minutes, felt intense boredom and even cried a few times lol. your addiction may not be as extreme as mine was and this varies from person to person. however, after about a week i realised i remembered everything i'd done each day, because it was filled with intentional activities and little moments of peace rather than a blur of scrolling. i also wasn't on adhd meds yet, which is something i'll talk about in another post.

not having everything at your fingertips is uncomfortable, but (and it's a cliche) you really start to appreciate the world around you more. i looked forward to spending time with my family, because it filled time and i wasn't half-involved in my phone the entire time. i use an mp3 player to listen to music, and uploading music to it is a meaningful and interesting activity, rather than just shuffling a playlist. i listen to whole albums instead of being flooded with dopamine from spotify firing recommended songs at me. i appreciate music more, i make CDs for friends, i have to be intentional in discovering new artists and music. if i'm having an interesting conversation online, i look forward to going home and logging onto my laptop to continue it. i don't spend my commute, time in class, or time with friends texting somebody else. everything feels more intentional, spaced out, and interesting, even the things i do online.

i also found i stopped performing in every activity i did. i stopped thinking about whether i could post it to instagram or instantly send a picture in a discord server. i started picking up new hobbies for myself, not for an online audience, and living in the moment more. this is really important in the modern age, although again uncomfortable.

the best part was how my connections with others increased through having a dumbphone. i started calling friends rather than messaging on five platforms at once, and they started reciprocating. my message threads are continuous, coherent conversations, rather than sending memes. people realised they have to intentionally reach out to me, and i lost relationships with people who weren't interested in that, but strengthened connections with people who did put in the effort (many of whom i barely talked to in the past). i give people my phone number, not my social media handle, and they actually start conversations with me rather than hitting follow. i get to hear my friends' voices when they have drama to share and realise it takes me forever to type on my flip phone keyboard. again, everything is intentional, takes time, and richer than when i had a smartphone.

i genuinely would recommend it to absolutely everyone (i've kind of become like a crossfit guy in telling people to get a dumbphone lol). i won't pretend it's easy, and most people make excuses - for the first few months of having a dumbphone, i was bedbound or in hospital, and truly relied on online connections to pass time and communicate. it still hugely improved my life. however, no matter your situation there are always, always better options than scrolling an app, and you deserve to pass your time in a memorable way. i think most people don't realise they're addicted/reliant on smartphones, and the idea of quitting is horribly uncomfortable, but at least for me, the benefits were worth it.

i'm happy to answer any questions, i literally could talk about this topic for hours (even if it's stuff like "how would i use x app" "how would i replace x smartphone function").

ditch your smartphone babe, u deserve better <33

[wraith-caller]

I don't write Rogier as a total manslut to titillate and be horny on main. I write him that way for one, to be another way he's an opposite to darian, which is just a personal interest of mine lol. But for two, because hypersexuality as a trauma response for him simply made sense to me.

I saw his emotional detachment and general disinterest in bonding with others intimately, and thought 'that guy's got a void in him.' I saw his single minded obsession with his research, and thought 'that guy's gonna fill that void with everything but difficult self-reflection and confrontation of why that void exists to begin with'. It'd be a challenging thing to do even in our modern world of medication and therapy, so I can't imagine him sitting down with someone and talking it out. And he simply doesn't work that way to begin with. When he goes to sleep with Fia, he doesn't break down crying about his own problems. He cries over an unsolved conspiracy that he's obsessed with, because he's not going to puke up his feelings directly. He didn't seek her out for emotional intimacy and healing, because he is much more interested in denying he has much of an emotional state to begin with. Emotional detachment is not 'I feel a bit numb sometimes', or 'I have some angst issues and have trouble talking about my emotional state, but I'd be pleased to help you out with your emotional problems :)' It's alarm bells and dread going off when someone tries to get 'deep' with you. It's your heart rate spiking at the thought of someone confiding intimately in you. It's disgust with your own emotions, if you can even identify them to begin with. It's being asked how you feel and defaulting to a pleasant response and breaking down if someone acknowledges your horrible feelings for you because that is NOT normal. Normal for you is ignoring all of that icky, uncomfortable stuff. Normal for you is laughing nervously and hoping the conversation moves away from talk about everyone's feelings, because you have no idea how to handle that. So if someone is going to bury and deny the emotional, they're going to seek the comforts and outlets for feelings that would normally come from such intimacy via other means. They're poor substitutes, but they don't come with that anxiety over trying to grapple with something you simply do not and never have had the mental capacity to deal with. You get the dopamine hits and relief from stress using these purely physical indulgences. Good food, booze, casual sex, whatever works, because without it that void in you where intimate connections and healthy introspection should be yawns, and yawns, and yawns, until you're sure it's going to swallow you whole. Better fill it with something, or there's not going to be much of you left that isn't a miserable husk.

[candiid-caniine]

im sorry this is a silly question, but what does it mean to be clicker trained? i haven’t been able to find a good answer but it seems hot (although i think everything’s hot tbh)

okie so pls prepare for autistic infodumping on psych and hypnokink below/

so. clicker training is often used for dogs and sometimes cats; basically, you're clicking the clicker every time you give them a treat. eventually, the animal becomes conditioned to associate the clicker with the dopamine rush of being rewarded! that's how it's used on animals. but the overarching concept is (afaik) a form of Pavlovian conditioning.

Pavlov (at least partly) got famous for an experiment where he conditioned dogs to associate the sound of a bell with getting food. eventually, anytime they heard the bell, they started to salivate.

why am i talking about animals? that's weird right? well the truth is that humans work basically the same (tho ofc our minds are more complex): over time, we are trained to associate certain stimuli with certain things. if you listen to the same song every time you go to sleep, eventually that song will always make you sleepy; our brains love repetition. it makes things predictable and orderly, giving us clear signals that help us navigate the world.

now...obviously...conditioning also has its applications to kink ;)

im a simple creature: im *stupidly* easy to condition, esp if i'm being intentional about it. most of the time it happens accidentally tho. here are some examples in my life:

i'm so conditioned to associate a collar with subspace that even touching my neck gets me wet. having the side of my neck sucked on immediately makes me go limp. when i noticed it happening passively, i vocalized it, strengthening the connection by intentionally "noticing" it every time it happened. it has only gotten stronger with time >.>

i also ended up accidentally being able to cum on command. once (i repeat: once) i was super worked up in between changing positions and i blurted out, "if you told me to cum right now i think i could" and owner said "cum for me" and...just like that, i fkn cum on command now. it's been that way for 4-ish years.

now...conditioning, esp when it's accidental, is an inexact science lol. i started getting more into denial. that fact, combined with the fact that i cum on command, eventually turned into *only* cumming on command. this was mostly coincidental: when owner and i moved in together, the only times i'd ever cum were when they were home, usually having sex/playing with me, and would command me. my brain turned that into an inability to cum *without* command. again, once i noticed it, i vocalized it, got intentional about recognizing it mentally, and it has only strengthened over time.

now: clicker training. theoretically, any effect you want (within reason) can be conditioned with enough consistent training. you could clicker train a person to feel sleepy at the sound of the clicker by using it when they're going to sleep. you could tie it to basically anything that isn't too complex, probably.

in my case, the goal is for me to hit the edge every time the clicker's pressed, so i've been clicking the clicker every time i hit the edge.

theory: eventually, my body will be so conditioned to think "click = edge" that i won't need to be touching when it happens.

theory: to really make this stronger, i need to get close to the edge, then use the clicker to get "there." stepping back further and further from the edge until, even if i'm idle, not turned on, or doing something else, clicker = edge, instantly.

here are the effects so far:

i'm not at the point where click = edge when i'm idle, yet, but the clicker does = a powerful clench of my cunt lmao...body's still getting on board.

*imagining* the clicker sound also prompts this effect, but a little less strong. HOWEVER...

suddenly, mysteriously, if i imagine and concentrate really hard on the way my body feels at the edge, i edge mentally.

this takes some concentration. curiously, it also makes me feel like i'm about to squirt; don't know what that's about.

why is this happening? because conditioning a human being is an inexact science. it's messy; the brain is very involved. so, in theory:

because i concentrate intentionally on the idea that click = edge, every time i edge and use the clicker, i'm also concentrating on my body.

concentrating on the feeling as i get closer to the edge. thinking, intentionally, "this is how i'll feel whenever i click this button."

so consequently, in the background, my body/brain is learning that "concentrate on how edging feels = you're edging now, fucko."

in conclusion: ymmv. my theory is that this kind of conscious conditioning method would be less messy and more precise if used with well-practiced, methodical, and specific hypnotism to strengthen and simplify the connections...but for the moment, i'm enjoying the chaos. i do like feeling powerless lol.

[the-selfinsert]

Do you see my vision guys???

GUYS. I got some inspiration. https://open.spotify.com/track/2NHntfUPC17b0nmilAWl87?si=0CAqSZpfQeOt-B2KatyexQ

The Main Character by Will Wood for Frisk, but specifically a Frisk who's fully adopted that sort of Player-esque disconnect from the world. That kind of Flowey mentality where they do everything just to see what happens.

Like, some examples of lines that are FIRE for this

"Control the narrative reliably, baby it's all about me" how they fully determine what direction the Unserground goes in

"So now I'm holding myself hostage" how they can't seem to move on from the Underground and their "adventure" and stay there, constantly resetting

"And enough lefts don't make the right, but two wrongs do" could be like doing a geno/neutral route and then resetting it, doing the "right" thing (except they're still going to control the world so it isn't really the right thing, it's just keeping things in a loop)

"I mean, imagine if protagonists just died in the first scene" talking about saves and loads and how they can't really die

"I'm the gap between a tragedy and comedy" How they aren't really a proper geno or pacifist player, even though they do both, because they just do it for fun, constantly keeping the world going back and forth between them, not to mention the neutral routes

"I'm the main character, and you have to like me" how they feel entitled to all the monsters friendships when they feel like going back and being nice, despite everything they've done (and also maybe a reference to how they don't really have a choice but to like them then, since Frisk knows so much about them and can do and say exactly what it will take to get the monsters to like them. Manipulation time :)!)

"I loot plot armor from NPCs. Well they are to me" *chef's kiss* Talking about how they did what Flowey did and stopped really seeing them as people, but sets of numbers, lines of dialogue, bundles of encounters, etc. (Not to mention the plot armor at the end of a pacifist route, and then turning that same plot armor against them in geno. Or maybe how they stole saves and loads from Flowey)

"Trite, tropes, traits, traumas, trinkets, and treats, it's all XP" How when they feel like doing geno, none of their personality matters, all they are is more EXP for them, and in pacifist they aren't befriending them for genuine reasons, but just because that's the goal, that's what they do in pacifist, it's that routes version of EXP.

"The underdog you cheer for" could be how they see themselves in pacifist, adopting that role as they go through the underground

"Dalleks in high collars monologue. And I outsmart them with a ray-gun and tweet" Refernce to all the monologues throughout the game before fights (especially Mettaton's) and them having done it so many times they know exactly how to best and fastest beat them.

"Her majesty says, 'The Royal We demand a standard of loyalty. An agreement to be reverent, lick the emperor's new boots" how they see themselves as the "emperor" of their world, how they feel like they own it

"The court fool got the guillotine. The witches the stake, you the dopamine" geno reference, Papyrus getting beheaded, and Undyne the Undying dying to them, and the satisfaction they get from it

"We all do what we need to to get through" Protraying themselves as just doing what they need to stay entertained

"But I ain't done a fucking thing to you" Showing how they don't really feel like they've done anything wrong.After all, they're just having fun, and they always fix it anways, so what's the big deal?

Holy shit this came out to be a long post. Uhhh... thanks for listening to all this, and if you have any other ideas for this song's lines or another song, let me know, because this has taken over my brain.

[madrabit]

May I request C, U and M for the fanfic ask game? 😎

C: What member do you identify with most?

Ohhh, this is simultaneously hard to say and the easiest thing in the world, but I do identify the most with Jan. We both have that black cat chaos energy and we both are cat parents 🐈‍⬛🐈, so I'm obviously more inclined to feel similar to him from the get go.

I've also been described as mysterious and confused (less mysterious, more confused), so I feel like that might fit. And we're both kinda sleepy and have a resting 😐🤨 face. I call it lovingly "resting blank face".

Also, I, too, cannot help but want to film Bojan whenever I can or stare at Nace...

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

Ngl, this is a hard pick, so I'll just mention a few ppl I like the writing style and fic of! 🩷

This will be more than three ppl cause I couldn't decide and in no particular order!!

@sizzlingsheepcheesecake // ao3

Does someone want to read some Bo(Jan)²? Well, you're at the right address! Her fics are so good and capture you with their emotional roller coaster they're taking you on! Her writing style is also really nice and pleasant to read 😊✨️

I particularly like her fic Come play with your food, bejbi which is an absolute fluffy vampire Bo(Jan)² fic that has me kicking my feet with how adorable it is. There also are some Bonus bites to this one!

And her poly BoJanKris fic Distortion can leave you happy in one moment and make you cry in another!

She also has a vampire BoKris fic The thrill and the dark, of the hunt and your eyes in which both Bojan and Kris are vampires, it is also really good and definitely worth a read if you haven't yet! And she has so many more fics as well!

@seokoilua // 1236 on ao3

I absolutely adore her writing style. The way she's able to take suffering and resolve it in all the good smut? Yes, definitely one of my favs. I especially like her fic been deprived and the sequel quietly, so if you like angst in your smut, her fics are definitely your thing then!

She also has a vampire BoKris fic ravenous in which vampire Kris picks up Bojan in a club and ngl, I need the second chapter like yesterday 😂

@vampmilf // @fruitybashir on ao3

Sophie has a really, really nice writing style, and I enjoy his Ne Bi Smel verse starting with The Holidate so much! It's so sweet and the smut is so hot and good and spicey and hahsjjskdjdkfkf for a long time having something nice to read every Sunday was just perfect to end the week with! He mainly writes BoKris (also, give Dopamin a read, the way he writes overstimulated Bojan is just so sjjdndndndnndnfmfm so good), but there is also a nice focus on Jance, that I really enjoy :3

I also absolutely love following him and seeing him on my dash, cause every time he reblogs something unhinged about Bojan I just have to giggle and laugh (calling Bojan three blueberries tall is literally everything to me and I love it so much, also letting him be his slutty little self in fics? Yessssss). He's also such an incredible nice person and was very sweet when I met him! 💖

@da-proti-toku-grem // ao3

Maca writes these absolutely adorable Kiss prompts here on tumblr and on ao3. From Jance to BoJure and JureJan, she's got so many ships and all of them are so good and fluffy and adorable or spicy! I really enjoy all of them! And she's made me have an incredibly big soft spot for BoJure :3 💛🩷

An honourable mention goes to @185northgower // ao3

Not only will I read literally everything she writes no matter what pairing or what fandom, but we share one exact braincell, which works perfectly cause we do love collabing on fics together and I couldn't imagine a better co author! 🥹🩷✨️

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

I actually have a few ideas I've been cooking, a few of them are gonna be joined collabs with North! Next to continuing our DJwD verse (yes, there will be more, these men won't stop and have infected our heads with Daddy Nace and I just cannot, I cannot anymore), we also planned a Romeo & Juliet 🌹 fic, which we won't go into detail yet, since we can't start it yet 🤭

Then I also have a Bo(Jan)² fic started, its the same one I mentioned last time, the one with the skirt, but I cannot shut up about it. I keep calling it the ✨️girlfriend thing✨️ if that helps anyone...

And next to those and continuing with my other fics, I also can't get a vampire Bo(Jan)² fic out of my mind...

[mortalityplays]

I think one of the worst things about trying to manage hypomania is that nothing gives your energy back. nothing is capable of giving your energy back. everything inside your head runs so fast and hot that you have to keep finding things to pour it into, but you are overclocking in a way that's unrealistic (or dangerous) to seek reciprocally. And that's the slippery slope.

On one hand, there are experiences that can give you the feeling of reciprocity, of getting a responsive rush back that seems to equal the runaway energy you're burning, but almost all of them rely on forcing an adrenaline spike or a particularly addictive kind of dopamine hit. Because what you're really doing is tricking your system by overloading it so that you don't feel the appetite for a moment. It's not sustainable, and in my experience it usually makes everything worse pretty fast.

On the other hand, it's so so so easy to get hurt, or angry, or resentful towards the 'safe' things that don't give that illusory reciprocity. It feels intuitively like these experiences suck, like the whole world is boring, like people aren't really trying, nothing is fast enough or intense enough. Something that memory tells you should be compelling and exciting just leaves you frustrated - and it can't be a you problem, so it must be that the thing is fucked up. I have been around enough other people while they're in this state to know how unfair and destructive that is.

So you're left wrestling your own burning appetite for more, but it's like holding a dog back by the collar. You can't give in to the things that would scratch your itch, even for a moment, and you can't indulge your frustration with the things that don't. You just have to stay as present about your own mental state as you possibly can and trust protocols that no longer make any sense (go to bed on time?? why?? I only sleep in 30 minute bursts anyway!! stupid rule!!). It's so fucking hard. No punchline. Not a single cell in my body is tired, but the whole of me is exhausted.

[iwaoiness]

thank u sm @mania-sama for taggin me on this!! <3 im excited to see how this will turn out omg

𒌋 fanfic write review

— How many works do you have on AO3? —

actually 48 fics in english and spanish, i think its a huge number but then i remember there's people with more than 70 works and then i feel better

— Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes —

¹ orbit return↦ "When they're eight years old and learn in class what the orbit and the planets and the stars and the universe are, Iwaizumi decides that on Oikawa's birthday he will no longer say "happy birthday", but "happy orbit return". And it becomes a tradition. Or: Oikawa is the main protagonist of Iwaizumi's Instagram, especially, every 20th of July."

its one of the cutest i've ever written, i wanted to do something cute and soft for oikawa's b-day and show iwaoi over the years through the pictures but as i have no fucking idea how to draw, i said: ‘fuck it i'll write it’, and so it was born!! i liked it sm i couldnt hold out until july so i published it in octuber lol

² tooru's love life↦ "In wich Oikawa never revealed anything about his private life, let alone his love life. Until he posts a TikTok with Iwaizumi Hajime and everything explodes."

it was a silly thing that crossed my mind after seeing a video on twitter and idk how its in this top2 BUT im soooo grateful that yall liked it so much <3

³ chronicles of a jealous athlete↦ "What Oikawa definitely can't get over and what left him gaping with eyes wide open was the latest viral video featuring Iwaizumi (which Makki sent him just two minutes after it was posted, along with a "loool bro u should’ve come to japan"). And it's not another fancam (he wished it was another fancam, why on earth wasn't it a fancam), but a video of him, back to the camera, giving Ushijima Fucking Wakatoshi a massage. A fucking pectoral massage."

THIS IS MY PRECIOUS SON!! i saw the video on my tl and said: i MUST iwaoing this right now and worte it in one day. i had a great time writing it, i felt like i was 15 again, surrounded by books and being able to read saga after saga every week, totally engrossed in the world of manga and anime, having evolved in my writing style and feeling that i finally could show my full potential and reveal without further walls everything that my mind holds. im very fond of it i swear

⁴ oikawa's problematic phone case↦ "In which Oikawa shows a video to a famous talk show host and (unintentionally) ends up showing half the world the photo he keeps in his phone case. And it would all remain an anecdote if it weren't for the fact that it is a ID photo of Iwaizumi Hajime (27) athletic trainer."

can u believe i just wanted to do a drabble about iwaizumi being the kind of person who doesnt try hard at all and looks SO HOT in the id photo and then this came out lol i just now its something canon

⁵ when the rain falls in summer↦ "It's summer, it's raining, Oikawa is lying on the couch like an invertebrate animal, humming a song because he doesn't know silence, and Iwaizumi can't ask for anything more."

i couldnt be iwaoi's fan without writing iwaoi enjoying the two of them in their flat on a rainy day, all sweet, loving and in love, and with a balcony full of plants ugh i love them with my whole heart

— Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? —

yees!! its my fav part of publish a work, even though sometimes i forget and get months behind, i LOVE responding to comments, it's like feeling more connected to people and an incredible dopamine rush

— What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? —

all i know is my life is gone, well tecnically its all angst not only the ending, but thanks to this i found the joy of writing angst, now i understand people who write an 120k fic of pure angst, somehow its reaaaally funny

i have another one in spanish la paz de akaashi its a bokuaka fic y si eres hispana hermana no sabes lo que me dolió emocionalmente destrozar a bokuto y akaashi pensé que sería soportable pero nO

— What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? —

AAAAAAA I CANT CHOOSE apart from the previous two plus another one that has a bittersweet ending (between alphas if u r curious), the rest of the 43 fics have happy ending, but so as not to leave this blank I will say: little piece of home

— Do you write crossovers? —

nopee, and i dont think im ever going to write it cuz im not really into it

— Have you ever received hate on a fic? —

only once lol when i started in the fanfic world in fanfiction.net with vocaloid stories (dark past don't ask) and i was 12 or 13 y/o ig when one of my shameful fics ended up in a review blog with the top spanish fanfic writers, and they dedicated a WHOLE post to me with a destructive (and a little bit constructive) criticism. actually it wasnt that bad cuz that was my turning point and now i write well thanks to it, and since then i havent received any hate on any of my fics!! (for now lol)

— Do you write smut? If so, what kind? —

another yes thank youuu. i love to write it not too explicit, like leave u wanting to know a lot more and also to be able to imagine it a little bit as u like, if that makes sense

— Have you ever had a fic stolen? —

not that i know of, and hope to keep it that way pleaseee

— Have you ever had a fic translated? —

nope

— Have you ever co-written a fic before? —

nope again

— What’s your all-time favorite ship? —

IWAOIIWAOIIWAOIIWAOIIWAOIIWAOI im OBSESSED with their dynamic. its just so freaking good (and don’t even get me started on the fact that childhood friends is my weakness). with these two, there’s literally endless possibilities and AUs u can explore without pushing them into major ooc territory, which, tbh, is a struggle with some ships. like, u want enemies to lovers? fits like a glove. strangers to friends to lovers? perfect. full-blown angst with a happy ending? chef’s kiss. angst with hurt/no comfort? yup, that too. whatever the vibe is, if it’s iwaoi, it just WORKS

and individually they’re a solid 10/10. like, sure, iwaizumi didn’t get as much screen time as oikawa, but his personality is so well-crafted that it feels like he’s been a core part for all 402 freaking chapters of haikyuu (well he's a core part if it wasnt for him, tooru would’ve been absolutely eaten up by guilt for hitting kageyama and might’ve even quit volleyball and that iconic line ‘the team with the better six is stronger’ it’s HIS, and it hit kageyama like a truck) and don’t even get me started on timeskip iwaizumi hajime (27), athletic trainer, he's my roman empire

and oikawa, oh my oikawa, i’d legit have to write a whole doctoral thesis cuz he’s THE character. his development's straight-up apotheosis. he’s one of the best-written characters out there, and if u disagree, go argue with the wall. the man crossed the damn pond for volleyball, became a STARTER on the argentinian national team, rediscovered the joy in the sport, and kept his pride intact through it all. uuugh and at 30 years old, he’s still a total dork but irresistibly handsome piece of man

— What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? —

okay listen to me carefully (or rather, read me carefully) i have a lots of WIPs but for the last FOUR years in my iwaoi doc there has been THE wip that has been going around in my mind but that will probably never come to light and that im going to let a summary of here cuz if i suffer for not being able to write it, as it deserve, yall suffer with me for not being able to read it:

inspired by the music video of halsey's song colors, omegaverse iwaoi, where oikawa (18) is a dominant omega (a real one, who can bend an alpha with his pheromones) and iwaizumi (29) is an alpha. i know it sounds repetitive BUT KEEP READING!!

the oikawas are a pretty well-off family: daisuke (a lawyer with his own successful law firm) is the alpha dad, aoi (a social worker at an omega shelter) is the omega papa, tomiko is the eldest alpha daughter, and tooru is the youngest omega son. tomiko’s married but always stays in close contact with the family, and daisuke and aoi’s relationship is super healthy, making them a tight-knit family where oikawa grew up never lacking love.

but then adolescence hits hard and oikawa becomes ridiculously beautiful, flamboyant, smart, strong, attention-loving, totally into top and bottom dynamics, and most importantly, he LOVES teasing his dad, though daisuke always dishes it right back cuz they’re both stubborn as hell (but his dad really cares about him and only looks out for the best, just like his papa). actually oikawa gets along quite well with the rest of the omegas, but his closest friends are makki (an omega marked by beta mattsun) and suga (the epitome of perfection with a playful streak he rarely shows, and ofc engaged to daichi).

oikawa and hanamaki usually go to the sports club to play tennis because volleyball is not an omegas thing, and with suga he attends the music conservatory where he plays the violin. at the omegas institution, the three of them are in the sewing club (led by akaashi btw) although tooru has no fucking idea how to sew.

so, the story kicks off with makki and oikawa watching a volleyball match at the said prestigious miyagi sports club, where daisuke and a handful of alphas (and mattsun) play. among them is yutaro iwaizumi who happens to be a little bit in love with tooru (and even has a semi-blessing from the oikawas to court him). but, ofc, tooru has zero interest in that iwaizumi. his eyes are on the other alpha iwaizumi who plays volleyball too with his dad, the one who looks at him with those intense green eyes, the one with a dimple on his right cheek when he smiles, the one with a deep, gravelly voice that makes oikawa’s stomach flip, the one with an overwhelming presence, the one who smells like sandalwood and mint, the one with a broken mark on the nape of his neck.

hajime iwaizumi, the big bro of yutaro

AAAAAA DUDE, NOW I WANNA PICK IT UP AGAIN, IT’D BE SO GOOD I WANNA CRY. i wrote three chapters and half of the fourth, and honestly, it was so fun cuz i add humor and build a fun dynamic between the OCs (aka tooru’s parents) and tooru himself. ugh and don’t even get me started on the epic scenes i included, like oikawa getting into big trouble sneaking into an alpha institution just to smash a nut tart into the face of an alpha who’s allergic to nuts for revenge

— What are your writing strengths? —

wow i’ve never really stopped to think seriously about this, but i think im decent at conveying emotions (someone pls tell me this is a legit writing strength before i embarrass myself here), like, i try to make them feel real and almost palpable instead of leaving them just abstract. and maybe creativity too? im always looking for ways to avoid repetition and make everything feel smoother and more fluid

— What are your writing weaknesses? —

definitely describing places, i HATE that kind of description. i try my best, but if it’s already a struggle in spanish for me, just imagine doing it in english, i caaant every time it makes me want to bang my head against my laptop. oh and i feel like cant write long fics to save my life cuz i always feel like i wont be good enough to pull it off or that i’ll mess up squeezing the plot and fucking it up, and it drives me absolutely crazy but but i swear im trying to improve that aspect and one day get a long fic or a 10k+ one shot uploaded without dying in the attempt!!

— What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? —

i think its super funny (u cant comprehend the joy that comes over me when i read fics in english with argentinian oikawa saying dialogues in spanish), although its true that sometimes it hinders the reading a bit if one isnt fluent in the other language, its a good tool that makes the reading more interesting as long as its used well, i see it as another resource to make the reader more involved in the story imo

— What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to? —

right now off the top of my head i’d looove to write kuroken, more bokuaka, some oihina, kenhina, definitely atsuhina, kagehina, and tanakiyo from haikyuu. and once i finish arcane, i’m literally DYING to dive into jayvik. also, i love love love kingdom (GO READ IT, ITS LEGENDARY), and i’d be so hyped to write something shin x qiang too

— What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? —

i really hate to choose i swear but the first one that cross my mind its hajime's premature death i had such a blast working on the plot, like driving iwaizumi insane with oikawa rocking a skirt has been soooo enriching. honestly, i think this might just be the most fun fic i’ve ever written

time for tagginggg @vvalllerie @winnterboobear @kingofech0park if yall want to do it, no pressure!! ღ

[glocksglory]

she’s my fantasy

* you give off angel energy. you have an angelic personality, presence, and aura. the entirety of your existence is rooted in angelic tendencies. you're an angel in the flesh that walks on earth leaving a trail that encapsulates onlookers into your pulchritudinous allure. “are you an angel in disguise?” is what people ponder, an angel whose halo and wings are intangible. rooms illuminate with a heavenly glow when you step foot into them, bringing a sense of serenity to those around you. you have a vibrant aura, an aura so bright, brighter than the luminous moonlight beautifully illuminating the sky on a dark, stormy night. it’s almost as if you carry a fragment of the moon’s light with you. your existence is seen as an ethereal blessing straight from heaven. heaven itself lies within your caress. you were created in heaven. you’re in this world but not of it. your existence and presence makes people think of the many beauties and mysteries the universe holds, those that we can see and those that are blind to the human eye.

* your presence is an extreme wave of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins, & euphoria. your presence is like an escape from life, heaven on earth, a presence both soothing & otherworldly. you’re an experience that is out-of-this-world. being around you is like a cosmic, ethereal, trippy, out-of-body experience. people feel like they’re astroplaning when around you. people feel like they're fever, or lucid dreaming when around you. dreamy, enchanting, exuberant, & magnetic are all adjectives that can be used to describe your aura, with an aftertaste that leaves them all wanting more.

* people literally get high off your energy alone. you just make everyone so happy and high, feeling like they’re on cloud 9. you never blow other’s high, in fact you're the high that everyone craves to feel. you’re a high that people can’t seem to come down from. you are ecstasy, you are the happy drug. you’re always vibrating on high frequencies. people literally want to inject your energy into their veins. your presence is like a harmless, but very potent drug that everything & everyone you come in contact with is influenced by.

* you make people feel an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia; every moment with you feels like a core memory. you're like a good memory people think of ever so often & wish they could go back to that era of life. like thinking of how festive the holidays were as a child or waking up for school in the early 2000s and hearing the sweet melody of the birds. but then again, you're a distant memory people can’t quite put their finger on; a contrasting duality.

* for some strange reason, people can’t stop thinking about you. you live on people’s minds rent-free. literally the first thing people think about when they wake up and when they fall asleep. people get butterflies, goosebumps, and chills just thinking about you. you’re a never ending thought. people fantasize about you. people crave for you every hour of the day. you’re the girl of everyone’s dreams. when people are around you or come in contact with you, they seem immediately infatuated with your mind, body, and soul. everyone is attracted to you like a magnet. people want to bathe in your intoxicating energy. you give people the exhilarating feeling of falling in love for the first time.

* your presence is the best present. your presence is present enough. it’s a blessing just being in your presence. your presence makes everyone’s day a million times better, even if you occupy a mere portion of it. people cherish every moment with you. people feel like there’s nothing better than being in your presence. people rather spend time with you than doing anything else. people feel so fortunate to know you. people feel like it's a privilege speaking to you.

* there’s so much depth to you and people feen to learn more and more about you. you’re an interesting individual with a spirited personality. people find you interesting and unique and this is why people stay wanting to know more about you and your lore. what made you the person you are today, your past, your walk of life… literally everything. people genuinely want to know more about you beyond your favorite color. even those who you’ve never uttered a word to in your life approach you because they just find you so interesting.

* you possess a down-to-earth, emotionally relieving aura. when people come across you, it’s like a fresh breath of air. you’re nothing they’ve ever seen or experienced before. the way you make people feel doesn’t compare to anyone else they’ve interacted with. you give people a feeling they’ve never felt before, not even from their family or close-friends; it’s just something about you. they may have had other experiences, but experiences with you top it. being with you is different. your vibe is different. you don’t blend in with the crowd in the best way possible. it’s so rare to be in the midst of beautiful souls like you in this generation, so you’re desired by all. you’re a rare gem.

* you possess a heart of gold, so naturally, everything you touch turns into gold. you better everyone you come in contact with on a physical, mental, emotional, & spiritual level. you change people’s view of life into a new & better perspective, when you come into someone’s life, it’s like the start of a new era. people’s lives feel better with you in it and there’s never a dull moment with you. you inspire others to be the best versions of themselves. you’re a positive metanoia to people; you bring out the best in people. you can actually change people. you’re a lucky charm; you bring something positive into people’s lives. you're the girl that came along & fixed everything.

* you embody the vibes and lyrics of the song “meet me in amsterdam” by rini, “best part” by daniel caesar, “love is only a feeling” by joey badass, and “kiss of life” by sade. people always say that you remind them of partynextdoor, bryson tiller, frank ocean, daniel caesar, tyus, aaliyah, sade, rihanna, summer walker, jhene aiko, tems, old playboi carti, sza, kali uchis, and brent faiyaz songs. it’s almost as if all the emotional love songs in the world were sincerely written just for you. you’re the girl rappers cry about in their songs. people make songs, albums, and playlists dedicated to you. people literally describe you in the way one would describe their lover in wattpad stories. deep, love quotes were written about you, you’re the girl levi carter describes in his tweets.

* people feel homesick without you. people feel a sense of hiraeth and saudade for you when you’re not there or when you leave their presence. you’re like a walking lantern, the whole atmosphere changes when you enter the room. everything lights up, but as soon as you leave, everything goes dim, your absence leaves people reminiscing about every moment they had with you, hoping and wishing for a chance to encounter and experience you again. your presence is one to be missed, and so it is, incredibly. you leave a gaping hole in others lives when you leave, your uniqueness and individuality cannot be replicated, so when and if you exit people’s lives, the difference is obvious and fails to go unnoticed.

* people feel a natural connection with you because of how authentic and real you are. you know how to hit it off with literally anyone you talk to. you instantly connect and click with everyone so easily and effortlessly, even with random people you just met a second ago. you vibe so well with everyone. you could turn up with anyone and everyone. you possess the ability to mirror others personality and vibe. you match everyone's humor. you have an eye for social cues and keep conversations flowing, it just feels wrong or weird if you’re not invited or brought along somewhere, or if you’re not there for a hangout session. people want you around all the time, things are just better when you’re there.

* your aura is so healing. your aura gives off an analgesic effect that has people overcoming physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual traumas, hatred, or pain within themselves or others. people feel finally free when around you, letting go of feelings of worry and resentment. you possess a unique ability to calm troubled souls, on some personal therapist shit, you free people’s mind. you’re the human personification of a bandaged heart emoji.

* everything about you is real, raw, genuine, authentic, deep, down-to-earth, and wise. you’re not afraid to be your authentic self in the most unapologetic form. you stay true to yourself no matter the situation. you’re the type of person people want to gatekeep, the type of person people like having deep conversations with till 3 a.m. you’re able to have and hold deep conversations with anyone. it’s easy talking to you. it’s easy being with you.

* people find themselves randomly opening up to you because of the highly trustworthy energy you emit. people feel comfortable fully opening up to you. you come across as a caring, empathetic, and trustworthy person because you are. people are drawn to these qualities and feel comfortable confiding in you. people feel like they could tell you anything. people feel comfortable venting or ranting to you about their days as you always offer a good ear, vice versa. you’re full of wisdom and great advice. you’re genuine, patient, kind, loving, wise, and emotionally intelligent.

* people's love for you isn’t just sweet words of sweet love, it’s sacred and genuine. people authentically love, adore, and appreciate you so much. there’s not a single person you know that isn’t madly in love with you, and it doesn’t even have to be in a romantic way. no matter the amount of time spent apart or with no contact, people have love and will always have love for you. people only have positive things to say and think about you. you’re always talked about positively. you always have people that’ll come to your defense if someone ever tries to hate on you or speak negatively about you ‘cause it’s literally impossible to dislike you. you are the most lovable person in the world.

* you're like the sunshine after rain, a ray of sunshine lighting up the whole world, the source of light penetrating even the darkest of times. you're the relief after crying, a promise of a new day, and the refreshment of one’s soul and mind. you’re a walking light of hope. the world loves taking care of you. you smile at the world and the world smiles back at you.

* the same tremendous amount of kindness you give others is immediately given back to you tenfold. people would do anything to express their love and adoration for you. you’re safe, healthy, and full of divine energy. your energy is so pretty and clean. you only attract people with positive intentions into your life. everyone you know is just as loving and kind as you. you have loads of social connections, bonds, and relations. you develop and maintain genuine connections with your friends and family. you have unlimited, unconditional, unwavering love for everyone and everything. you have a positive mind and a positive outlook on life. negative environments, situations, or people do not faze you.

* you always move with love in your heart and that’s why you’re constantly being blessed with everything you desire. because of your beautiful and genuine heart, soul, and mind, you’re constantly receiving everything that you’ve ever dreamed of and more. you move with pure love and pure intentions. you’re beautiful inside and out.

& moree!

benefits inspired by my favs: @unawarecolor, @angelinyourmidst, @temptation__, @mbarb, @24kglocks, @pr1sm, @glogirl, @trapanesebarbie, & @dezzidior.

glo.

[hel-phoenyx]

Domhildr belongs to @soupedepates, Oli to @thal-ent, Meili to @azeler and Kaizarz to @corneille-but-not-the-author, all mentioned

Finally.

A click of the finger and the thesis is sent to my supervisor. It's not over, far from it, I'll have so many things to do when it gets back from correction, but right now

I am free.

It's such a weird, yet soothing feeling. Having nothing to do. Nothing to rush for.

I restrain myself from opening it again and add other things to send to my supervisor. He won't be happy about that, and I will get one, or several, earfuls about my perfectionnism.

I have nothing to do. It's weird. I don't know what to do. What do people do when they're free ?

Calling their friends ?

Domhildr is probably with her new sweetheart.

If not, Oli is with her.

Meili has his own friends. And since that drunken night, it's weird between us.

And Kaizarz... He doesn't need to put me back up again.

So. I guess I'm alone. Alone and not knowing how to fill my days up.

I take my phone and start scrolling, mindlessly. Instagram is full of coupley memes. Great. Pinterest has nothing interesting. I can't find a dopamine music. No interesting fanfics on Ao3, the only one that updated while I was working are full of smut and I don't need to be aroused right now.

Maybe i'll just go to the club and find some company. Or swipe a little bit on Tinder. Or, no, maybe not Tinder. Last time I went on it I saw Domi's profile and I couldn't bring myself to swipe, would it be left or right.

Yeah, maybe that's a good idea.

Right at the moment I was about to get up and change, however, I hear a ding coming from my phone. WhatsApp notification.

I look at the screen, already knowing who it is. Only one person sends me WhatsApp messages, since she moved abroad and took a foreign phone number. It became so rare, yet, I could almost feel my heart beating faster.

Under the profile picture of a pretty white-haired woman lies a single message.

Hey Tyr ! I moved here from Denmark, for a while. I don't know how your thesis is going but maybe we could see each other ?

She's back. It's been so long since she moved back to the land of our ancestors, or so it seems. The scandinav diaspora is tight-knit in that city, too, yet sometimes people come and go in your life, back to the country that feels like home.

Brynja left right after I got hurt. The only conversations we had after that were through text. For years, we had that kind of on-and-off relationship where none of us knew what we were. and the messages got rarer, and rarer, with the thesis and her work.

I didn't expect her to come back like this.

Without thinking, my fingers run on the screen, typing words I don't even restrain.

Sure. Where do you want to meet up ?

I don't have to wait long.

How about your place ?

Fine by me. You can come in whenever you like, I'll forward you the adress.

I don't remember the last time I heard my heart beat that fast.

I don't wait for the answer. Hurriedly, I get up, tidy up everything I can, open the windows, change from my old fit from something a bit more adapted to seeing, well. An old situationship of sorts, I suppose. I don't have better words.

None of us know what we are.

Right on time I get dressed, I hear a knock. It's been only an hour, she didn't want to wait until dinner, I see. I can understand that.

I open the door, short-breathed and eyes wide. There she is, standing on the porch. In a very long fuschia dress shining under the porch lights, her hair, longer since the last time I saw her, tied up in a complex hairdo. Her cheeks are rosy, her smile, hesitant.

The silence is broken by her voice, still as I remember it.

"... Hey. Tyr."

I don't answer.

I simply pull her close.

I missed her so much.

It feels so different to have her in front of me.

Finally.

***

I don't know how we ended up here. We drank, we talked, we discusses the world. I ordered takeout so we didn't have to leave the house. and maybe I got out every nice bottle in my alcohol stash.

It may be why I'm laying on my bed, with her hands on me and mine gripping the sheets.

I didn't bother pulling out my prosthesis. I never do that. I guess I was too much in a hurry. I don't remember. My thoughts are too hazy.

She kisses me and sometimes other faces substitute to hers.

Her lips are on mine and I hear Domhildr's laugh in my mouth.

My hands brush her chest and it's Oli smiling under the touch.

My teeth close on her skin and I can taste burns on my tongue.

A finger traces the bumps of my spine and it's Kaizarz that is kissing every shiver.

Her sighs are still hers. Her eyes are still burning with her desire. This is she and I in that bed. I am not hazy to the point I forget I have my dearest in my arms.

I missed her. I want her. I l̸o̵v̵e�� her.

Yet I crave more.

I crave so much more.

[duchessofostergotlands]

Just read your last post on autism and well you sound like me. I don't even have a diagnosis because it could stop me from becoming a public servant which I want to be (governmental prejuidice is amazing, isn't it?). However, I also have ADHD as a possible side "quest" on my laundry list. Everything I learned about it in women in recent years screams my experience. However, no one thought to test me because I did academically well like you in school and didn't have issues conforming to classroom rules. Back then you had to be a boy, running around constantly and failing classes to even get a consideration for ADHD here. No one saw that school was my own personal dopamine farm and that I constantly quietly fidgeted with something.

Idk where I'm going with this here but yeah I just felt seen by your post. I think I want a diagnosis eventually after I got my public servant position but I'm also scared of looking for one. Because what if it isn't depression, autism, ADHD and/or even BPD? What if I'm just a lazy slob that peaked in school and someone who is just easily distracted and not great at social interactions I haven't played through in my head a thousand times before?

Hello :) The internet can be a terrible thing but the best part of it is there will be someone, somewhere, who has experienced what you are experiencing. So yes, totally relate to what you're saying. I have similar thoughts all the time. "Maybe I'm just lazy, maybe I'm just sensitive, maybe I'm just a bitch" lol. To be honest I think genuinely lazy people probably don't ever think about the fact they're lazy or get upset about it so it's probably an indication you're not. Like I often think "am I actually a good person?" but I don't think genuinely bad people ever consider that!

I did see something helpful a little while ago. The comedian Aisling Bea did an interview where she talked about her ADHD and the shame she felt when she believed she was just lazy. She said that she loves acting and she can get given a script and learn three pages of dialogue over night - her dialogue and everyone else's - and people are astonished. But you give her a simple task like filling in a form and she just can't do it. I suspect you might find you're the same way. If someone gives you a task you enjoy or find value in then you can probably do it more quickly and to a higher standard than other people. You are capable of hard work. But if it's a task you don't enjoy or think is pointless you will feel like there's some kind of forcefield stopping you from doing it. I also think if it was just laziness, if it was a choice, then no one would ever choose to be lazy about things which are detrimental to them. The call it took me 3 months to make was to register with a doctor. It was really important, it was harmful to me to not have a doctor, and yet I couldn't do it. If I could have gone online and done the whole process there I would have. But I couldn't do it because I had to make a phone call which I struggle with. So if you 1) find that you are capable of putting in hard work in certain things and 2) find that the kinds of tasks you struggle with are important tasks and not doing them is potentially detrimental to you, it isn't just laziness. I think it comes out in a lot of women when we leave school because we don't have structure, routine, someone caring for us. The fact so many neurodivergent women were high achievers in school and burnt out later in life is not a coincidence!

But also, something I don't see talked about that much is how sometimes we are lazy but that laziness is a totally natural response to how exhausting it is to be neurodivergent. Having to be constantly aware of how you talk, how you sit, how you write all day to fit in with a world that you don't fully understand but you know if you get it wrong you could lose your job, your home, everything. The stress, the anxiety, the energy involved in that. After years and years of dealing with this, you are going to crash. So when we do have a rare good day where we feel energised, sometimes we choose to do the fun thing instead of the task we have to do. Other people can be productive because they know that they will probably have the chance to be lazy later in the day or the next day or the next week. Whereas I don't know when I'll next have that opportunity. So sometimes we are being "lazy" but it's to try and repair the years and years of exhaustion and anxiety and stress that has built up! Other people are allowed to be occasionally lazy but we punish ourselves for it so much.