#they're *fictional* I don't care about what they do and this one insisted on being fatui

[creamecream]

Full Name: Unknown

Sex: Male (he/him)

Birthday: Unknown

Constellation: Drache Elch

Nation: Mondstadt

Affiliation: Fatui, Snezhnaya, The Tsaritsa

Special Dish: Chilled Ice

Titles: The Qilin, The Mindless Tsar

Weapon: Polearm (Metal whips powered by electro that slip from his sleeves during burst)

Element: Electro

[strange-pass]

Hello! I saw you had requests open! I was wondering if you could write something that's like... just domestic life fluff. Maybe they're in the human world together and just chilling. I don't know. But just some nice domestic life fluff. Either with Barbatos, Solomon, or Simeon. I cannot decide as my heart is longing for all three of them right now 😂

Up in the Human World

Domestic life Headcanons

Pairing: Simeon, Barbatos, Solomon x GN! Reader (separately)

Synopsis: Simeon, Barbatos, and solomon go to the human world to visit MC

A/N: These were so adorable to write. I was so excited that anon requested these because I haven’t written fan fiction in a bit so I’m glad people want to see more work! I decided to try out a new divider because I find this one so cute honestly. I may try out a couple depending on what I’m writing. This was written as romantic by the way! Have a lovely day 🫶

Requesting here

genre: Romantic fluff, no warnings!

word count: 1270+ altogether

💐 Simeon:

-Simeon loves visiting you in the human world because he barely gets to go, he’s either in the celestial realm or in the devildom. When he does go, he stays with you for a month or two before he absolutely needs to go back. This visit is considered his break and he loves spending it with you.

-You and Simeon have a movie night every week, just you two in order to spend time together. There are some human movies that are available in the celestial realm, but rarely. He suggests two types of movies, bad movies, and romantic movies. Since he’s a writer, he likes to criticize the direction and story telling of the movies, he cannot believe how bad and cliche some of the movies you have, get. He tends to gravitate towards romance movies when suggesting a genuine movie, this is because he likes the emotional closeness to you. When he’s watching these movies though, he sometimes thinks that you two have way better chemistry than the main characters in these story lines and thinks of how you two would handle situations in the movie. He likes when you pick a movie though, he likes to explore different options and styles of writing. One thing that will never change is how he loves to cuddle you, if you’re alright with it of course.

-Since he has a garden in the celestial realm, he grows various flowers outside of the home. He grows the, outside because he thinks direct sunlight is better for the flowers. This is also for your own good in case you have an allergy to the pollen. On occasions, he grows plants inside that don’t smell in case the weather isn’t ideal. He’s still a bit naive since the celestial realm has the same kind of weather every day. When he brings seeds to your home, sometimes you need to tell him that they don’t grow in this region of the world. Once he gets used to the technology you use, he makes sure to check what grows in your part of the world. He tries to grow your favourite kind of plant, and gets you to water the plants with him.

-The first time he’s asked to sleep in your bed, he’s a bit red in the face. He insists that you don’t need to offer him the bed.. the real reason is because he’s nervous of being so close to you, he’s not sure of the habits he does in his sleep, or how you’ll react if he accidentally pulls the blankets off of you, or something bolder like pulling you closer to him. No matter what, he’s happy that you wanted to sleep in the same bed as him since it shows you trust him.

💐 Barbatos:

-Barbatos asks for permission to visit you in the human world when he has a vacation. The downside is that he can’t stay for very long since he serves Diavolo, but comes as often as he can.

-Whenever he visits you, he has a habit of serving you like he would Diavolo. He does not mean to do this, but since he cares about you, he automates to his butler personality to show how he feels about you. You need to remind him that he can sit and relax around you. He listens to your advice for a while, until he gets antsy and ends up cleaning so you have a perfectly tidy place without any worries.

-He loves baking together, it’s not just a way to spend time with you, but both of you can sit at a table and enjoy your handiwork. Depending on your baking level, he will pick a recipe that’s a bit above your level so he can teach you how to bake it properly. He finds it to be a fun challenge for both of you, his part of the challenge is making sure that it’s fun for him and you to do.

-You have different foods in the human world, and he wants to make sure he tries all kinds of cuisines. This gives him new ideas for his own cooking, and a fun date idea. He suggests something new for dinner every night he’s there, so you go to different restaurants in order to try dishes. The thing is… going to new places all of the time can be a bit exhausting, so you ask him about delivery and he’s a bit surprised by it because he’s never tried ordering food through an app. They have akuber in the devildom, but Barbatos always makes supper, so he never needs to order out. After some time, the money adds up so Barbatos just makes the food himself since it’s cheaper for you and he makes excellent food, even if he’s never cooked the dish before.

-Barbatos always sleeps by himself, so he seems like he is glad to be joining you for sleep. In reality he’s a bit hesitant BECAUSE he always sleeps by himself. It’s a bit of a vulnerable position for him, but as long as he keeps reminding himself that it’s just you, he’s having the most comfortable sleep of his life alongside the person he cares about the most.

💐 Solomon:

-Solomon visits you a-lot since he doesn’t technically work anywhere, he goes wherever he’s needed. The downtime between him going somewhere is spent with you, at your home in the human world.

-He loves cooking for you! Mostly to your detriment… He has so much passion for what he makes for you, but you can’t tell what he was trying to make most of the time. He says that he put his own spin on the original dish, and then questions why you look so shocked as to what recipe he was trying to replicate. He always thanks you for making food or ordering though, just as long as he’s no where near the kitchen.

-When you’re doing something in your home, you’ll find little love notes in random places from Solomon, he leaves these in hopes that you’ll find them and feel loved. They are always in little envelopes that are stamped with a red rose to signify his love. He hides them in the weirdest places though, in a shoe, the back of the freezer, between the cushions of a couch, and the pocket of a coat you haven’t worn in a while.

-Whenever he goes out, he almost always comes back with a game for you to play with him. It could be a game as big as monopoly, or a dice game like Yahtzee. What he doesn’t want you to know is that he is great at all types of games because he’s been alive for so long. The only thing that gives him away is how overly confident he is, sometimes a bit cocky as well. This can also be his loss because he doesn’t replay games for long periods of time since he doesn’t have many people to play them with. When he loses, he feints being sad, but loves seeing the smile on your face when you win.

-Solomon is actually the first one to suggest sleeping in the same bed, he’s a bit cheeky like that. He has absolutely no problem in sleeping beside you, but he never shows just how excited he is. This is his own little dream, being beside you and making sure you’re safe through the night. Maybe in the morning he’ll surprise you with breakfast as well, made with all his heart, of course! Seeing you is his motivation for working, and he glad he visited.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

ok here i go full hc prompt🥳🤩🤩

m6 in the ✨✋Future🤚✨ or at least to them, relatively, from their medievaissance-y mixed bag nonspecified time period to something resembling our times! i personally like to consider it still Their World, fictional, which just progressed to look like ours now (it literally makes zero difference to anybody except the inner machinations of my annoying ass but yeah ifykyk) basically yknow shooting a medieval peasant into 2023 & giving him mountain dew type beat

The Arcana HCs: M6 in the Future

~ @tetsuooooooooooo this was so much fun, thank you for sending it in and I hope you enjoy these!! ~

-- for headcanon purposes, MC is from the future and is tasked with taking care of M6 during their 24 hours there --

Julian

It takes him less than two minutes to figure out where (read: when) he is and his response is nothing short of enthusiastic

Please, he's been around the world, and he's got a delightful guide, and he really, really wants to know if his theories about leeches ended up being correct

He actually gets a little emotional when a quick google search shows him how wrong he was and you end up having to take him exploring to cheer him up and distract him from his failures

You have a really hard time explaining to him that clinics don't allow doctors without medical degrees to waltz in and observe random patients getting treatments

You take him to see a movie and he's transfixed

The screen is so big. The actor's faces are so clear. The drama is so much more than anything he could have imagined. And they come with music?? Hums the soundtrack for the rest of the day

If you show him that one version of Jurassic Park with Jeff Goldblum in it Julian will imitate him sporadically afterwards

Enjoys fast food way more than he should. Especially instant noodles. Will spend half an hour trying to pack some to take back

Fascinated by the concept of typing

You hit a button to make the next letter appear instead of writing it? But MC, this means that everything he wants to communicate through text could be easily readable. Imagine!

Freaks out a bit when you try to take him in a car. He's surprisingly comfortable in a metro, though, so you'll have to do with public transportation and bicycles

Oh yeah, he loves bicycles. He only crashed into three trees, a wall, and a stranger's parked car before getting the hang of it

He's convinced that earbuds don't actually play music, they just trick your brain into thinking that you can hear it

Almost exploded when you gave him coldbrew coffee

Asra

They know instantly that they're in a different version of reality. Sure, they've never traveled through time, but they've traveled through plenty of other dimensions

He's the least ruffled, and unfortunately, the least impressed. Don't get him wrong, this looks super cool, but this isn't any more otherworldly to him than the otherworldly places he's already been

Wants to go on a food tour immediately. Not the nice stuff though

No, they want the questionable food. The is-this-going-to-make-me-regret-existing food. The food that, if it was shown in an anime, would be pixelated and have threatening auras around it

So chill about what you tell him to do it's almost concerning

"Here Asra, climb into this four-wheeled hunk of metal that can travel over 100 miles an hour and hold yourself in with a single fabric strap while I pilot this through hundreds of other things just like it, driven by people we don't know and can't predict."

"Cool. Where do I put Faust?"

Don't tell them about edibles unless you want them to spend their day hunting some down and absolutely going to town on them

You swear you saw his hair stand on end the first time he tried popping candy

When you took them to get their radioactive meal (a.k.a. the closest fast food chain with the fewest ethical violations) they insisted on picking up one of every sauce packet to try them all

... and when he saw a nine-year-old mixing two different fountain drinks, he of course grabbed the largest cup available and went down the line so he could taste all of them at once too

You've never seen them this jittery and sugar high, so of course the next place to go is a trampoline park, with the bright lights and loud music and bodies hurtling through the air

He should not be getting the amount of air time that he does

Has a meltdown over modern fluffy blankets. They're so soft

Nadia

Gobsmacked. As in, she's a highly intelligent woman, and therefore able to really wrap her head around what she's seeing

The future!! She's in the future, Arcana help her

But she's got you and she adores you and she knows she can trust you so she's going to be okay. That said, start explaining. Now.

First things first: how's the infrastructure? She can't see any canals or aqueducts. Or fireplaces or lanterns, for that matter, what do you do for light? And cooking? (Cooking uses fire, right?)

Literally cannot walk past anything new without stopping to try to figure out how it works and if there's a way to recreate it herself

Bicycles on a rack? She's spinning the pedal and trying to figure out the balancing dynamics of two-wheeled movement

Almost lost it when she found out that it was possible to lift the hood of a car and look at the engine inside that makes it go. You decided to take her on public transportation instead

Which turned into all kinds of excited brainstorming about public carriages, and gondolas built for 20 people ferrying people along the aqueducts, and new and terrifying uses for the catacombs

Wasn't very impressed with the fashion she saw

She knows what good quality cloth looks like. This is a women who grew up in silks and fine linens, polyester does not impress her

Except for the stretchiness. She does like that

The perfume counter, on the other hand, takes up a good hour and a half of her time. She's smelled plenty of fine scents before, but she's never been in a shop where she could sniff so many at a time

This one smells like Prakra. This one smells like Vesuvia. This one smells like the beach. This one smells like the woods. This one ...

Yeah, it was an excellent opportunity to take a nap, if you're the napping sort. You wake up to her testing perfumes on you because she ran out of space on herself

Gets so frustrated when you explain your government setup to her

Muriel

Oh no, please be very gentle with him

He likes to live in the woods because it is peaceful and quiet and it's one place he doesn't stand out in

He stands out in this place very, very much and he doesn't like it

Refuses to leave the room he appeared in until his appearance is as unremarkable as possible (which is not easy to do, by the way, the man is a mountain. modern clothes in his size are hard to find)

Does not want to go in the car. It's way too fast and it makes him seasick when he closes his eyes to shut it out

Buses are somehow easiest - they feel the least claustrophobic when they're not crowded and it's rude to stare on them

You two end up going to a natural history museum in the middle of a weekday when hardly anybody is there, and he lights up

There are so many animals, and there are enough other people in the world who find those animals interesting that they gathered so much knowledge people had to make a building to hold it all

Has never heard evolutionary theory before and is fascinated by it

Once he starts talking, it's hard for him to stop

He's not being loud at all - you can only hear him so clearly because you two are holding hands so he can't lose you - but he's being quietly submerged in his own special interest and he loves it

He just wishes there weren't so many skeletons. But he's glad the species they belonged to aren't forgotten this way

Long story short, Muriel's inner Nerd is unleashed and he goes hoarse from the amount of murmuring he does all day

Does not like getting food in public. Does not like eating food in public. Does not like being publicly perceived. As soon as it gets into afternoon and it gets busy, he wants to go home

Which is where you show him what the internet is and he's in awe

People can work from home? People can make friends without leaving their house?? People can talk without being seen???

Portia

Spends five minutes hopping in place and squealing into her clothes to let out her nerves and excitement before you can decide what to do

Then insists on taking half an hour to hear you describe every single fun or interesting thing to do so she can make a list

Yes, she's determined to hit every single one in one day

First things first: food. Take her to a cafe and watch her sigh over all the baked goods and sugar-loaded caffeine beverages

Then (if there is one nearby) a mall, so she can see all the stuff that people buy so they can have the lifestyle they do. You have to drag her out of both Bath & Body Words and Bed, Bath, & Beyond

Please, it's full of fluffy fuzzy things and good smelling mystery goo, she wants to live in it also what do you mean "no stopping at the pet store", what even is a "pet store" -

Oh. OH -

You will have to physically pull her away before she adopts all the kittens. She does cry about it later, just a for a bit, they're so cute

Next is a library and cafe, of course, because she lives for books

This place is way bigger than the Palace library! The one in the Palace is just a large room, this is a whole building!! And people get to come here, whenever they want, just to read, for free?! What?!

You had to remind her about the "no loud noises in the library" rule several times. She's doing her best, she's just passionate

Completely demolishes her first chocolate croissant

Goes feral at the amusement park she has you take her to afterwards. This woman is an adrenaline fiend. You're cursing the pop up add for it by the fourth consecutive free fall ride

The only way to get her to leave is to tell her that one of her favorite stories was turned into a movie and that you'd have to go home to watch it. Don't take her to Target to get snacks. She'll disappear

Flicks the lightswitch 30 times in a row because she can

Lucio

He's immediately panicking. Not because he's in the future, no, but because of what it's done to his arm

It's changed. It's not running on magic any more. The only way to resolve his design is for it to be some kind of high-tech electrical prosthetic that even modern scientists would have difficulty with

Once he's adjusted to using it, you're good to go

Lights up like a firework the first time he rides in a car

MC. MC how fast does it go. MC that's a very high number. MC, he wants to drive. Please. Please! Pleeeaaaassssseeee

DO NOT LET HIM DRIVE.

Makes you pull over after seeing ads for Sephora because he's convinced that he could pull off that eye makeup even better

Tries every single makeup sampler and then gets offended when one of the poor employees suggests an anti-aging cream

Him? Aged?? How dare they - oh wait that really does brighten his eyes. He'll take ten, please, they're so small, they can't cost much -

You'll have to pull him out before he sees you use a credit card, because once he does he's going to keep asking to use it and you're not sure he understands why maxing it out is a bad thing

His arm does run out of battery at one point, which does cause some panic. All of a sudden he's stuck with a limp hunk of metal swinging from his shoulder, it's not ideal

You're able to find the retractable charging cable on the side and plug him in, but then he's stuck sitting in the same spot for two hours and a bored Lucio is a dangerous Lucio

There is a solution to this, of course. You can give him an iPad with games on it. He won't move a muscle after that

The caveat is that he will turn into an iPad kid and get glued to every single screen he sees afterwards. You don't know how to fix it

Falls in love with vending machines and tries Cheetos because the leopard on them looks cool. Develops an artificial cheese addiction

[possessedopossum]

Why do people love to project their family issues into fictional women so much? [I need to bitch about the way fandom treats Caterina]

I've seen so happen to Leandra. You yell one (1) time at your child on screen and you're the worst mother in Thedas. Obviously women need to learn how to turn their emotions off when they have children and you can't express your negative feelings even if your other child had died a terrible violent death on your eyes 5 minutes ago. Btw you can't explain such feelings in a calmer "healthier" way either bc that would mean therapy speech and that the game has bad writing. No feelings for mothers, okay? They're robots.

Leandra haters walked so Caterina Dellamorte haters could run. While I get it that Caterina isn't beating child abuse allegations, Caterina's image in fan fiction is truly something else.

Since WHEN she is homophobic??? Since when she is racist??? Is there a transphobic line from her I somehow missed? Did she misgender Rook somewhere?

Caterina is a character of questionable morality and yet fandom insists on her being way worse than she already is. Please I beg you pay attention to the source material. She isn't 100% evil. Not only Teia makes it out alive after calling Caterina "nonna", we also learn that Caterina is secretly very fond of Teia. I wonder why.

Caterina doesn't beat the shit out of Lucanis and Illario just because she is an evil abusive control freak. She does so because that's what crow training is. She does so to ensure her last surviving family members continue to stay alive. She isn't throwing her fucking flip flops at Lucanis for bringing home a bad grade on his math assignment. Or just because she had a bad day at work.

If I had to judge her parenting skills, I would be more concerned with Caterina's favoritism and her treatment of Illario. The harshness of crow training has nothing to do with Caterina's personality. She isn't even the worst crow trainer. Whoever trained Zevran, Taliesin and Rinna didn't even care if they live or die. Caterina cared. Mistreatment of Illario is however 100% Caterina's fault.

I would also be concerned with the reasons of her favoritism. Is Lucanis actually better than Illario or is he somebody Caterina can project her grief for her dead daughter into? Her favorite daughter being Lucanis' mother seems too much to be a coincidence. And it paints Caterina in somewhat sympathetic light anyway. You can't grieve for somebody if you have never loved them in the first place.

I don't understand writing Caterina as a terrible (grand)mother-in-law for Rook who romanced Lucanis. There are zero cases of her being rude to Rook. She looked reasonable but stern enough to be the first talon in eight little talons. Ofc she's still hard to deal with and there may be conflicts but there are literally no reasons to believe she is a bigot. Boiling it all down to petty fights between her and Rook for who gets Lucanis looks pathetic. He is ~35, for fuck's sake. And she is what, at least 70? Caterina wouldn't have 8 grandchildren if she was so possessive. Rook is also a god-killer which is a great PR move for house Dellamorte, having not one but two god-killers.

The desire of some rookanis shippers to strip Lucanis of almost everything he is looks so off to me. Death IS his calling. He IS aware that his family isn't exactly perfect, he doesn't need Rook to tell him that. Why is it so hard to understand that people may love something and understand all its flaws at the same time?

The petty envy from some Rooks screams "pls somebody help me I'm very insecure when it comes to relationships and splitting affection" without characters' authors recognizing the envy for that it is. Why do you want Rook to be the center of Lucanis' life so bad? Why do you want to strip him of his love for his family, profession, his friendship with Neve? What will be left of him if you do so?

I'll wait some months before opening ao3 again. It did give me a thousand yard stare. Would like to hope that at least the mischaracterization will go away eventually...

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/749328257018626048/dubcon-kind-of-annoys-me-as-a-term-not-because

I mean, the situations where consent is considered dubious in fiction can absolutely exist in real life, and often times, whether assault has been committed comes down to the reactions after the fact and whether someone believes they truly gave consent--and what is that if not dubious, from an outside perspective?

I enjoy drunk sex. I don't care to breathalyze everyone I flirt with when I'm drunk to make sure they're exactly as drunk as I am so that if we hook up we're 'even'. I know that when I get drunk I get physically affectionate and horny and much more open to making poor sexual decisions than I am while sober. I do not ever consider consensual sex I have while intoxicated to be rape or assault. There are a lot of people who would insist that every drunken sexual encounter I've had has been rape, particularly the ones where I came onto someone who was considerably more sober than I was and they slept with me anyway.

I'd say, believe people who say whether or not they consented--however, the ONLY time you have an insider's POV is for you and your own consent, meaning that from the outside looking in, there are lots of situations in real life that might seem very dubious and, ultimately, up to the people involved and them alone to determine whether consent was given and accepted, and whether or not an assault took place.

Also, I think 'enthusiasm' is deeply overrated as a measure of consent. Enthusiastic consent is great and sexy but sometimes you have sex because you know your partner wants to and you want to make them happy even if you aren't really in the mood, and sometimes you're paid for sex and can't afford to be particularly choosy about your clients--consent still matters in those situations! Consent is not retroactively revoked if you weren't enthusiastic enough about the sex being had.

--

I find the notion of enthusiastic consent as seen in fandom annoying because it involves performing emotions to someone else's standard, not displaying your own emotions authentically—at least if you don't happen to be a chirpy and vocal type.

[pluckyredhead]

ur post abt the green lantern’s political leanings was so interesting!! can you do one for the bat family? (but only if u wanna!!)

Honestly, I can't, because their politics are so incoherent.

Like, take Bruce. (And again, like with the Lanterns, I'm talking about canon here, not how I wish things were.) On the one hand, you would imagine he's pretty progressive, right? He's almost certainly a single issue voter and that single issue is gun control. He believes in rehabilitating criminals and in fact a lot of Wayne Enterprises hires are formerly incarcerated people. He is an active philanthropist who pours money into schools, orphanages, hospitals, public spaces, and the arts. These are all leftist values!

And yet the modern Batman is also a completely unrestrained violent anarchic-libertarian power fantasy. Bruce has invented his own law, which he enacts and enforces completely arbitrarily, however he feels like doing so. He obeys the laws he wants to obey and ignores the ones he doesn't care about, while insisting he is law-abiding. He tortures people literally constantly and considers it righteous. He uses the profits from his publicly traded company to become a one-man military industrial complex. (The emissions from the fucking Batmobile alone...!) He illegally surveils the entire city and sometimes the entire planet (Brother Eye, anyone?) because he has decided that his moral authority overrides literally anyone's right to privacy, anywhere. He allows his defeated foes to be locked up indefinitely regardless of their mental state in an institution that would make any qualified mental health professional run screaming in the opposite direction. He's sexist. All of these things sit on the right of the political spectrum, but imagine me pointing to the right like Charlie from It's Always Sunny pointing to his murder board.

And none of the Batfamily is any better. Some of them are honestly worse in certain aspects. Dick was a cop. Jason loves guns. Babs and Tim are even more in love with surveillance than Bruce is. Remember when Tim wanted to replace the police with, like, a Bat-army??? BECAUSE I DO.

It's not really "their fault," as much as anything can be a fictional character's fault. It's the result of being written by writers who are, for the most part, consciously trying to write the Bats as good Samaritans, but are also living in a world where we have had our brains warped by all of our blockbusters being funded by the US military, in a medium where badassery is prized above everything else, and so all this really problematic shit spills out onto the comics page without being questioned. It's also kind of a boiling frog situation: i.e. Batman has always had a cool car, so as he got tougher and tougher, of course that car would eventually become a tank, and no one stopped to go "Wait, what the fuck? What the fuck? How is this billionaire driving a tank around helping anyone???" I guess god bless Zack Snyder for inadvertently highlighting how fucking stupid and counterproductive a Batman taken to his worst extremes is.

To be clear, I don't think this is what most writers are trying to do with Batman (some of them are, but fuck those guys). But it's what happens when all you care about is rule of cool, and the more I think about it the more I'm like...shit, maybe Alan Moore was right and superheroes are just stupid.

Anyway in conclusion, comic book writers should consider the ramifications of what they're writing occasionally. But Bruce Wayne probably still votes blue, at least.

[artandhijinks]

My experience with the worst most toxic parts of the IWTV fandom

Okay, there are going to be details here that are changed or admitted for obvious mostly safety reasons. And I personally don't care if you think I'm lying, but it was still a scary experience and I do think there are people in the fandom that need to be aware this crap goes on all over fictional characters. So warning they're going to be mentions of threats a violence, doxing, harassment, the works, It was bad.

Okay a few months ago. I kicked the hornets nest when it comes to the worst part of the interview with the vampire fandom. I had engaged in some fan discourse. Made a couple of posts. A lot of it had to do with defending the added diversity with the casting of Assad and Jacob. Theorizing about possible characters in the future that can be race swapped how it could be a good thing and how it could be historically possible. You get the idea. I love what the show is done with all the race swapping it has added so much to the story.

And then all the sudden I woke up to my inbox being full of over 100 anonymous ask that ranged from the average calling me evil racist. I didn't know the books. How dare I it was ruining the story. I should kill myself. The usual online internet harassment. It was horrible. And they kept on coming and would not stop until I shut off anonymous ask. And they will remain off because of this but again I had well over 100 messages to go through. And it took me well over a week to go through them but when I got to like the last I think 10 one of them stuck out. Not because it was particularly bad because apparently I pissed off the Armand people who don't realize how creepy it is and kind of comes off as pro pedophilia when all of you insist that he has to be 17 much less the racist issues. There's a reason it took me over a week to go through all the messages they made my skin crawl. But this particular message scared the crap out of me it was a death threat with my home address. Someone cared so much about a fictional character. They tracked down my address and threaten to kill me. So guess who immediately started screenshotting the rest of the messages. And had to make a police report. Do you know what it's like having to explain to cops? Yes, I got a death threat with my address over a fictional gay vampire. No, getting death threats over Tumblr is not new to me unfortunately, but my address was new and that I want documented. So being harassed by a couple racist book purists turned into a police report and me buying security cameras. Thank you Tumblr. I nearly deleted the app.

I don't even know if I want to finish the Vampire Chronicles books now because of you idiots you took it way too far. And the worst part is I'm white. I can only imagine what you idiots are doing to the fans of color. Again someone tracked down my address to threaten to kill me. But again it's documented. I filed a police report and if any of you idiots try something I got cameras now.

And for all those who are going to be demanding proof well I thought about sharing a redacted screenshot or maybe a redacted version of the police report. But I decided I would ask the cops what they thought just to be safe. I'm glad I did because they advised me not to do that and they explained to me there is technology out there that if someone really wanted to they can remove that redacting. And I already have one crazy person that knows my address and is threatening to kill me so I don't want another one. So everyone is just going to have to take my word for it. However the cops were all for me sharing my story because of the rise of things like swatting. A in a nearby police department had to deal with a middle schooler (so a 11 to 13-year-old) who made a bomb threat at their school because they didn't want to take a test. So, they think this would be good for people to hear because what you do on the internet does have real life consequences.

So remember people the internet is real life. These things have real life consequences. And I'm pretty sure these people thought it was a joke. But now I have to worry about things like someone breaking into my house killing me or swatting. Which is something I didn't even think of until the cops brought it up. And it does affect my real life. I'm looking to move and hopefully we'll be out of my house soon. So, thank you, Internet stranger

So to sum it all up. The fandom needs to take a bunch of chill pills and calm down. Because we are literally harassing, bullying and threatening people out of the fandom. Again, I thought about leaving Tumblr due to this experience and now I'm having to move. Thank you. Interview with the vampire fandom please do better.

[kyliafanfiction]

Victoria Dallon and Righteousness: An Incomplete Deconstruction

From everything I've heard and read, there was a lot of negative response to Victoria Dallon being the main character of Ward, when that was revealed. Lots of people obviously wanted Taylor, but even more, Victoria as MC didn't really resonate with a lot of the people who loved Worm so much - very different sort of MC.

Now, obviously, I wasn't in the fandom when Ward came out, I was still just loosely aware Worm existed and that the MC was a villain protagonist named Taylor Hebert. I wasn't even aware Amy Dallon existed, let alone Victoria!

So I don't know how I would have felt about it, but I'm willing to bet I wouldn't have been a huge fan. One, because I probably would have wanted Amy as the MC, because I'm willing to bet Amy still would have been my blorbo (though I don't believe the term blorbo existed when Ward was started) even coming into Worm blind, by the time I was done.

But two, because... even though I like Victoria (a lot), and would presumably still like her in this hypothetical scenario, I don't like her as Main character material. Because at the end of the day, the sort of archetype she represents is not one that I tend to care for.

It is not breaking new ground to say that Victoria Dallon, Glory Girl, is, in large part, a deconstruction of the Flying Brick/Superman type character. Worm has several deconstructions of that type of character, and Vicky is one of them. Her invulnerability is an illusion, and indeed, her whole schtick is the illusion, the 'Aura' (heh) of perfection and untouchability.

But the thing is... I don't, as a general rule, actually like the superman-type characters, in fiction. Your Captain Americas, your Supermans, your CW Supergirls - they're not really my type of character. Not because of their strength or 'invulnerability' or whatever, but because of their sense of self-righteousness, their righteousness, and the way the narrative tends to support and build up that righteousness. Obviously the wide world of comics is full of exceptions, but in the comics-adapted media I've seen, the 'Superman Type' character still tends to get away with always being right, with their moral rectitude being unquestioned in the end, with them getting to be the 'moral heart'. Whenever their code clashes with someone else's, theirs always gets to be right.

Once in a while the narrative will let them be wrong, but even then it's usually brought back around to them being right.

And Victoria Dallon has that righteousness in spades, in Worm. Her first introduction, of course, immediately exposes that this is at least somewhat an illusion. Interlude 2 has her do a police brutality and nearly kill a guy. Sure it's a Nazi, but police brutality is bad even if it's done to 'acceptable targets'. That shouldn't be a controversial opinion. And then Amy is called in to help Victoria maintain that illusion by healing the guy and leaving it his word against Glory Girl's and Panacea's. Again, another case that her righteousness is, in the Wormverse, a bit of an illusion.

And then in Arc 3, she arguably threatens some pretty disproportionate retribution for bank robbery. Again, the illusion of righteousness. And her insistence 'New Wave Doesn't Have Secrets' when we know full well from Interlude 2 that she sure as shit does have secrets from (most of) the rest of New Wave.

But for a deconstruction of a self-righteous character to be complete, that sense of self-righteousness needs to get the character in trouble. And that doesn't really happen for Vicky in Worm.* And everything I know about Ward suggests that her sense of 'I know what's right, my moral code is the Correct™ one all the time, I'm the good guy and that makes what I believe correct ipso facto' doesn't really go away or get questioned or undermined.

But notice that asterisk? Because the thing is, in a way, in Worm, her sense of 'I know what's right, I'll do what I think is right damn anyone else's idea of it, I'm the hero, those who oppose me are the villains, the monsters, and it's cut and dry' does actually get her in trouble cause her major problems.

But it's hard to talk about, because it happens in Interlude 11h. And talking about it risks looking like you're victim-blaming Victoria.

Now, I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm pretty sure if I don't, there's going to be people believing I think otherwise, but Victoria 113% did not deserve to have her brain altered, or to have what happens to her when Amy wretches her.

(Whether you agree with Wildbow's dubious insistence that rape was the intended reading all along, or think that it was meant to just be nonconsensual body modification/etc as a metaphor for sexual assault or whatever else, what happens is a horrific violation of Victoria's bodily autonomy ontop of the previous violation of her mind. It was bad. Victoria is a victim and Amy her victimizer here)

But, Victoria's sense of her own righteousness does sort of lead to both.

In Interlude 11h, Amy makes it very clear she wants Victoria to stay away from her, to not touch her. Now, Amy doesn't communicate what's going to happen because it's not like she, before the critical moment, was actively planning it to happen, so despite what some people have said, it's not a case of 'Fuck Around, Find Out', and people who unironically say that definitely need to get smacked around the head with a metaphorical two-by-four a few times, because that's a fucked up POV.

But, Amy still laid a boundary very clearly. 'Don't Touch Me!'. Tumblr, correctly, is very much a fan of the notion that 'no' is a complete sentence, that people are absolutely allowed to refuse hugs, that that all is part of bodily autonomy. That 'don't touch me' is an acceptable boundary, even with close family members.

Vicky, without hesitation, violates that boundary. She decides that her belief that it's okay to hug Amy, because she loves her (as a sister), because they're family, because she knows better than Amy what's right for her (as the whole first half of the scene is her trying to convince Amy to do what she manifestly does not want to do) takes precedence over Amy's boundary. Over Amy's belief about what's best for her. Over Amy's own wants and wishes.

Now this is entirely understandable - she loves her sister, she's afraid for her, she wants her sister to come back home, her sister is being chased by fucking serial killers, it's entirely understandable she doesn't want Amy running around on her own. And if she'd just stuck to trying to convince Amy with words, then that wouldn't be an issue. And... her brain wouldn't have been changed. At least not then. Maybe Amy snaps more completely later and does something, but that's a pretty deep hypothetical.

Now again, Vicky does not deserve this. This is not 'earned'. This is not 'FAFO'. But her sense of self-righteousness does indeed get her into trouble here. The one (hugging Amy) is a necessary antecedent to the other (Amy changing her brain).

Until the critical moment it happened, Amy did not want to do this. Hence the 'don't touch me'. Whether it was an errant impulse, an intrusive thought or her shard deciding to act on it's own to push her towards doing it, it happens. Amy does a very bad thing, and she has to own that.

To Amy's (perhaps minimal) credit, she immediately is horrified by what she did, and tries to fix it. To undo it. Understandably, Vicky says no. Her sister just violated her on a fundamental level, and her entire view of her sister has just been destroyed, because she's also finding out that her sister has been in love with her this whole time, and that of course makes her question everything else she thought she knew.

So she doesn't trust Amy enough to give her the chance to fix it.

Now, I'd like to believe that under other circumstances, say Scion suddenly shows up and turns S9 into paste, aborting the entire arc or something, that Victoria, once she has a few days to reflect, will decide to trust her years of knowing Amy, of loving Amy (as a sister) and trust her sister enough to give her the chance to fix it. Probably with some backup (trust but verify and all that), but still. Maybe that's wishful thinking on my part, but either way, that opportunity doesn't happen.

And in 11h, there's another place where her self-righteousness, her 'I'm the hero, anyone who opposes me is pure evil' mentality also ends up contributing, in a small way, to something else bad happening to her.

In her entirely justifiable anger at Amy, she says that Amy never deserved any of the defense, the benefit of the doubt, etc that Vicky gave her, vis-a-vis her father. That she 'exceeded' him in awfulness. This is of course manifestly not true - Marquis may not have meddled with minds, but his plethora of murders is still much worse - but Victoria isn't exactly speaking from a place of rational analysis here. She's beyond angry, and wants to say a thing she knows will hurt Amy the most. And, given her mental state in that moment, she might even believe it. I certainly doubt she has a firm understanding of Marquis's criminal career.

But, understandable, justifiable or not, it is another blow to Amy's incredibly fragile psyche. Another piece of 'proof' to Amy that she really is the monster she always thought she was. And confirmation of that fear of hers, and her surrender to it, is critical to the wretchification and rape/sexual assault metaphor (see above).

In Interlude 11h, Amy was ready, willing and psychologically able to undo what she did to Victoria. By the time she has the opportunity, she is in a very different mental state, and isn't willing to. Isn't really able to. Amy, rightly, gets shit for this from fans and from characters in-universe, and it was wrong of her to not fix Vicky, let alone what she actually does to her. But there was a moment when she could have fixed Vicky, and in part, the reason it doesn't happen is directly linked to Victoria's sense of righteousness.

Now, a good character beat to have when a righteous/self-righteous character suffers or otherwise gets into trouble because of that aspect of their personality, is for them to reflect on their mistake, to realize what they did was wrong (or at least, the incorrect choice), and to resolve to not let themselves always be so sure that their sense of moral rectitude is always... well, correct in the future. Not to the extent that they just forget they were hurt or betrayed or whatever, but at least understanding it was wrong and they should do better in the future.

But that doesn't really happen. Not in Worm, because Vicky has no story arc after being wretched. Even her being fixed at the end is entirely bound up with it being a conclusion to Amy's story arc.

Now, that could have happened in Ward, but it is rather hard to do when you're insisting that rape happened. Because IRL, there's a lot of baggage around anything that even smacks or looks like you're victim-blaming someone who was raped. Even suggesting that people shouldn't walk alone in dangerous places at night, or don't accept drinks from people you don't trust, for instance, is often met with 'no, just teach people not to rape' from some quarters. (Which is true but... exceedingly unhelpful).

Anything that even kind of sounds like you're saying the victim 'deserved' it, or that they 'brought it on themselves' or whatever is 'rape culture', and to be fair, there is a fuck of a hell of a lot of that IRL. There's a lot of people who really would rather blame the victim, IRL. And even for fictional characters.

But saying that the victim did things they probably shouldn't have done, that they made mistakes, that certain choices of theirs led to what happened to them is not victim blaming. Not inherently. The ultimate choice to victimize is with the perpetrator. Whatever else, it's Amy's fault what happened to Vicky, not Victoria's.

And if it hadn't been full on actual rape, it might have been possible to actually see that deconstruction of Victoria's righteousness through to it's conclusion. But once you make it rape, and decide to make that a centerpiece of the character's narrative, it's rather hard to discuss how the character's own flaws and mistakes led to it, at least not without looking like you're doing a bit of victim blaming, doing rape culture apologia or the like.

And so, even in the most charitable reading of Wildbow (which I am at this point never inclined to give him as a first choice, personally, but), it's fair that he might not want to deal with that and just... drops that little notion that he built in 11h.

Of course, it's entirely plausible that my reading of 11h isn't even remotely what he intended because at this point I'm almost inclined to believe that anything good about Worm was an accident. This is of course, unfair, but Wildbow's own patterns of behavior make it hard to believe him about his authorial intent, anytime, ever.

Regardless, to bring it back to the start of the post - this reality, this incomplete (to me) deconstruction, this failure to properly explore the failings of Victoria's sense of righteousness and belief in her own moral rectitude is why, Victoria Dallon, as she exists, is not a character I can really like as a main POV character.

There's a reason why Captain America is the MCU character that annoys me the most. Why Supergirl, on the CW show of the same name, is my least favorite of the main cast, generally (I do like Kara Danvers, but still, least favorite). Characters who are possessed of their own sense of righteousness, and with him the core narrative tends to agree with, are always the sort of characters that are going to rub me the wrong way.

People who fervently, unquestioningly believe they are the hero of the story, the good guy in the narrative, without ever asking 'am I in the wrong here, not just a little, but completely', who don't have doubts not about specific moral choices, but their entire moral standing, don't tend to be very appealing to me.

There's a lot of problems I have with Ward, and that I would have had with Ward as it unfolded if I'd been reading it life (presumably), and in the interest of full honesty, the biggest is and would have always been the handling of Amy, above all else, but this lack of correction of Victoria's sense of her own righteousness and the fact that by all accounts the narrative tends to support and agree with this sense she has, would definitely have been and indeed is, another factor that means I'd probably have ended up one of those people saying "Victoria was a poor choice for the MC of the 'sequel' to Worm."

And again, I understand why, once rape is settled on and made 'clear', why it doesn't happen, why the examination, the 'I fucked up' moment doesn't happen, but... still. I can't help but think that, and all that could have flowed from it, really should have happened. That it would have been more interesting. And why, to my mind, even if to no one else's, the real promise, the best possibilities of Victoria's character, will always be incomplete. Why she's never going to be 'Main Character' material to me personally.

[ilikekidsshows]

Didn't Marinette in the emo special tell Shadybug in her redemption talk that she (Marinette) has always managed to overcome everything with her own strength? That it's only thanks to her loving and believing in herself and no one else's help was crucial in how well she's off today?

It's all thanks to herself and no one else? Didn't she also laughably claim that she doesn't need powers (as if Marinette could ever handle that) and then contradicts herself later by telling Shady to define her worth by fixing her world?

Didn't they have Adrien give too much credit to his friends for being there for him when we barely see that on screen?

I'd call that A+ viewer manipulation. Adrien tells us how supported he is despite that not being true and Marinette disregards her entire massive ass support system again to hype herself up

I wonder if girly pop would repeat that in front of Cat Noir real quick, cause according to herself she doesn't need anyone's support, she has always done that all by herself and no one needs to be given credit besides herself. So he can leave, right? According to her own words? No need to for being around with his only job being babysitting her and making her feel better about her flaws she doesn't want to work on.

No? She wouldn't repeat that because it was bs to hype herself up and she can't do anything anymore without always being taken care of and told that she's the greatest person ever?

Sounds right ._.

---

Something to keep in mind about the writers behind Miraculous: they don't want you to watch the show, they want you to see it. They don't want you to pay attention to what is actually going on, but to listen to them tell you what happened even when it blatantly contradicts the episodes anyone can go back and check. This is why people point out there's a bunch of retcons in the show, because the showrunners will insist something that never happened happened and that something that totally happened didn't. Because they can't actually be bothered to tell the story they claim they're telling, they want the audience to not think about what's actually going on and just cheer at the right parts.

Like, 'Derision' is a great example of the writing process behind Miraculous, because it's nothing but the writers telling you that a bunch of stuff shown in the show actually happened differently. Marinette is seriously traumatized by pools and love; ignore any time she was at the pool or in love with no issue before, she totally wasn't totally cool with Luka ever despite knowing nothing about him. Chloé is an irredeemable monster and it's no one’s fault but her own; ignore all the times you've seen Audrey model Chloé’s behavior and how she abused her on screen, all she did was leave and abandonment isn't traumatizing to a child because the writers say so. Also, Kim is a total insensitive stooge; ignore all the character development he received in the earlier seasons and how he sacrificed himself for the rest of the class in Zombizou, Adrien threatening to murder him is cool and awesome because he's a terrible person. Also, Adrien is cool with murder; ignore how he was the only one enraged at the idea that Sentibug could be so carelessly erased, trying to murder people for your widdle girlfriend Marinette is so cool - cheer, damn you!

Of course the writers are going to have Marinette say that she totally never needs anyone's help ever because she's so awesome. Ignore Marinette needing to be propped up 20% of the time on a regular day, and needing it 100% of the time when there’s a season finale going on (this math is actually accurate. I went back to check all the S1-3 episodes and did it myself, the finale data is accurate up until S5). The writers have cultivated an audience that will take anything the writers say at face value and who have been primed to think Marinette Biggest-Support-Network-In-Fiction Dupain-Cheng was born in a wet cardboard box all alone, she is the saddest, poorest, most pitiful being in existence who always has a hard time because the world is so cruel to her. Ignore all the times she gets handed freebies by other characters and the universe and how she always gets everything she wants. The target audience will ignore anything that contradicts their underdog overcoming hardships fantasy.

Of course they're going to say Adrien has so many friends and so much support even when we've seen the gang come together to support Adrien exactly once in the entire series, to throw a party at his house, and once in the specials to convince Gabriel to let Adrien go on a field trip. Ignore how they've far more often shown Adrien alone with no one to turn to and that one time he was literally sobbing on the floor of his sensory deprivation cell. Also, Gabriel isn't abusive. Neglect and psychological torture are totally normal things for a parent to do. Adrien has a wonderful, perfect life, because we’re watching Miraculous: The New Adventures of Ladybug And Ladybug Alone now and Marinette has a monopoly on hardships because she alone deserves all of the audience sympathy and if you think Adrien deserves more than scraps you’re sexist and just hate cool girlbosses who never need anyone and always win alone, even when they let the villain destroy the world. 

Frankly, considering this thinking can be traced back to the last five minutes of ‘Reflekdoll’, I’m starting to think the average uncritical Miraculous fan only pays attention to the last five minutes of any given episode. They completely misremember obvious facts about the show and characters, they can’t recall the plots of the episodes so they just make stuff up and they can’t recognize any of the patterns in the show. Because who cares if, at the start of ‘Reflekdoll’, Cat Noir tells Ladybug she has the harder job, and clearly acknowledges her efforts, when the episode ends with him saying he doesn’t appreciate her enough. Clearly him not appreciating her enough is the actual takeaway here and not the bajillion times he props her up and calls her the most amazing, intelligent or hardworking person ever. Because who cares what actually goes on in the show frequently, when we can just focus on the five minutes resolution that doesn’t actually resolve anything its own episode set up, am I right?

[lovemyromance]

Let's talk about the dreaded pliant bones argument in ACOTAR

First of all, I don't ever want to see this stupid argument anywhere, especially after HOFAS. Second of all, none of the Archeron sisters are Illyrian so they do not have Illyrian anatomy suitable for childbirth. And yet, we see Feysand and Nessian as mates. So it's not like SJM even cared about that herself.

Then ACOSF happens, and oh no, c-sections don't apparently seem to exist and it becomes a BIG DEAL™ that Nesta changed only her own body and Feyre's body to have Illyrian anatomy.

People have been latching onto this argument like Rose on the goddamn Titanic, anything to cling to their sinking ship.

Let's not forget that Elain & Nesta had their bodies changed already once before, against their will. Why the hell would Nesta change Elain's body without obtaining consent after that traumatic experience? That would be a gross violation of bodily autonomy.

And Nesta was shown how to change the bodies. Which could hint that she still knows how, should a similar situation arise again.

But none of that even matters! What matter is that it's 2024 and we are still saying a woman can't be with the man she loves because she can't give him biological children. That is the crux of the argument Gw*nriels always try to skip around and say without saying. Like "oh no!! She can't have his babies!! Ship sank. It's over. The End."

As if a woman should be reduced down to her ability to procreate. This is not the middle ages people! Wake up!

Also, not to mention, even if we use that disgusting logic - The only other female in this series that is mentioned to have Illyrian anatomy is Emerie. Are we shipping Azriel with Emerie now? Because she can FOR SURE have his babies, if that's all that matters. Who cares about her own desires and personality and sexual preferences if she can have illyrian kids??

Now let's consider what people have been latching onto:

Gwyn...is flexible and adapts to training moves quickly. That's why Nesta commented she had "pliant bones", that's IT. She is part nymph and "has different anatomy than high fae", sure, but is that anatomy in any way, Illyrian? Water nymphs don't have Illyrian leathery wings either so I don't understand why insisting Gwyn has "pliant bones" is in any way endgame ship material. Why would her half-water nymph heritage give her the anatomy to birth a full grown illyrian-winged baby??

And then there's the cowards that use this argument by hiding behind SJM herself by saying "Well, I hate it too, but SJM is *kinda* known for writing like this and her characters are all male-dominated, fae-territorial blah blah, she is *kinda* hinting at endgame because the womb thing–" NO. No.

Don't hide. Tell the room exactly what you are saying. Which is the exact same misogynistic spiel as above, where you try to use gross medieval logic to justify your mf fictional ship, but you hide your faces when you say it. Because you know it's wrong, but you're still not above using that as "evidence" in your ship's favor.

I've even said before, I don't care what SJM says. If I don't like a misogynistic take, I am not using that as evidence in any capacity for any reason.

I'm not even being biased by my preferred ship. I genuinely just want people to stop using this argument because it's hurtful to women as a whole. Ship wars are fine, but ffs, when did we get to the point where we are pitting two women against each other based on whose uterus is more suitable??

And before you even say "I just have a problem because I ship Elriel" No. No.

It's about these kinds of cheap arguments in general. I have also never been one to go off saying how Gwyn can't be a valid love interest because her past SA trauma - That argument is also archaic and hurtful. I've never once used it. I don't like seeing it.

Can we just - Not do it? The only reason such arguments have gained traction is because they're constantly echoed by the toxic sides of the fandom online. It's gross and I don't want to be a part of a group that condones that.

Ship who you want, but let's just be respectful about it. We should not have to resort to cheap arguments like the above.

[sedateandslice]

The Hips That Launched 1000 Orgasms: A Medical Fetish Fiction

Content warning: this is a medical and surgical fetish fiction in which characters derive sexual pleasure from a surgical patient undergoing bilateral hip replacement and experiencing a difficult post-operative period. Those characters have sex, the patient is never involved or aware they are being fetishized. There is no useful medical information about hip replacement here. This is 18+ fetish fiction, minors DNI, otherwise read at your own risk.

Author’s note: I have a sudden huge thing for hip replacement surgery now? I don’t know. This is 3000 words of my latest hyperfixation, which is evidently women screaming about the pain in their broken hips. Truly dead dove territory here.

***

My grandfather's wife needed double hip replacement surgery and he asked me to help him get her to the hospital, wait while she was in surgery, and be there to see her with him when she got out.

I didn't really want to do it, frankly, because I have a raging medical and surgical fetish and, when he asked me to do it, I got off the phone, got hard when I immediately imagined the look on her face when she woke up and felt the pain of what had just been done to her, and then got soft real fast when I felt like a creep for sexualizing my step-grandma's surgical pain. Even though he's only been with the woman for a few years -- she's wife number six, we don't get attached -- and we've met a grand total of two times. It still felt...icky...to do what they would consider a kind favor if I wasn't going to be able to keep my dick down. Considering how many times I got hard thinking of that look on her face when my brain wandered toward the request, I wasn't going to be able to.

But it was icy the morning of the surgery, he's 78, and she's suffering so badly from the arthritis that's necessitating the hip replacements that he was going to have to transfer her from her wheelchair into their van in the ice. So, I'm not a total asshole....I said I'd come pick them up and gave my dick a talking to for the whole half hour drive to their house, insisting that we were not, under any circumstances, going to sexualize any part of my step-grandma's surgery experience.

We got there, they said a lovey, dovey goodbye -- they're disgustingly into PDA for septuagenarians -- then she was wheeled in for surgery, already a little loopy from the drugs they came her to keep her calm before the procedure. My dick did so well, only a teeny tiny jump, when they placed her central line and told her she'd really want that to deliver her pain medication once the nerve block placed during surgery wore off.

The surgery took about six hours, a little long for a bilateral hip replacement, and I tried valiantly not to look at the clock and imagine what they were doing to her at that point during the surgery. Were they prying her lips open to place the endotracheal tube? Using the saw to remove the arthritic joint? Or hammering the second new one in? Maybe there had been an unexpectedly tragic complication and right that very moment a surgeon was breaking her ribs as she coded on the table. It was a long six hours and Grandpa thought I had a weak bladder I had to go to the bathroom so many times to talk down my erection.

The doctor who came out to tell us the surgery had been a little difficult but she would recover normally told us a nurse would come back shortly and let us come see her in the post-anesthesia care unit once she was a little more awake. I had to excuse myself to the restroom again to have another talk with my dick because it was already getting traitorous at the thought of seeing her in the PACU, when her pain was most likely to be uncontrolled.

We didn't get to see her in the PACU, though. They came, said she was stable but needed a little more time. I figured she was either really groggy, really nauseous, or she was in so much pain it would freak us out and they were trying to control it before we saw her.

Unfortunately for me, my traitorous dick, and step granny, it was the latter. Two hours later they told us to meet her in her regular room because she was being wheeled down to be settled for the night, and to prepare ourselves because they were "struggling to keep her comfortable." We started hearing her pitiful groans when she was still halfway down the hall.

The semi I sprung the second I heard her keening cry after being jostled as the bed hit the door making the turn into the room turned into a rock hard erection when I saw her for the first time. She was lying flat on the bed, her head thrown back in agony, with her legs strapped around a blue triangular hip abductor pillow at her knees and mid-calf. The top of the triangle ended about one inch under her vagina, a hint of which I could see in the form of coarse gray hair partially obscuring a yellow catheter tube that snaked down to a half full bag of light yellow fluid hanging on the side of the bed.

Her face was beet red, streaked with tears, and her eyes were glassy and unfocused. She was crying so hard she seemed to be on the verge of hyperventilating and the involuntary spasms of her struggle for breath and the heaving sobs were jerking her aching hips, sending slices of agony through her entire pelvis and down the bloody bandage covered incisions down the sides of her legs, which only made her struggle harder.

The cute, muscled twink nurse who introduced himself as Marco, her night nurse, said her nerve block was wearing off and he would give her another dose of pain meds once he plugged in the monitors. He was making quick work of getting her settled when grandpa and I approached her bed.

I was so fucking hard I could barely move for fear my erection, which was twitching enough in my boxers to make me tremble, would hit the thick, dark denim of the jeans I wore specifically so I could hide this problem if it, um, popped up. I was in such a state that any friction would absolutely have been game over for me.

[If you've gotten this far and are fucking horrified by me, well, I was fucking horrified with myself to be leaking pre-cum at an old lady's obvious agony. Trust me, I get it. I didn't want my fetish to turn me on in a real life hospital. But holy shit she was lying there, screaming "my hips, my hips!" while strapped down immobile to that pillow like she was out of central casting in a surgical fetish fiction film and there were no number of thoughts of hellfire and damnation that could talk my penis down at that point. Why did it have to be hips?! I've had a hard on for this particular surgery since I was like 10 and I saw an old lady on Rescue 911 with a badly dislocated hip beg the paramedics to let her die rather than taking her to the hospital to have hip replacement for the second time because she didn't think she could endure the pain of waking up from that surgery again. I must have had 3000 orgasms since then watching the exact part of the video where she woke up from anesthesia and screamed, "my hip, oh God, why, I can't take the pain in my hip!" So, actually. I was doing insanely fucking well for what this was doing to me, thank you very much.]

Step granny saw grandpa and let out a wail. She tried to reach for him and groaned when it shot white sharp sparks through her surgical wounds again. She was visibly struggling to put words together through the haze of pain and the drugs in her system but she looked at him plaintively and began to beg, her voice raspy from the trach tube.

"Please, make the pain stop, I feel like I'm gonna die I'm in so much pain! It feels like someone's drilling into my hips! This was a mistake, I didn't know it would hurt this much, I don't want to die in this much pain!"

I had to turn around at that to pinch the base of my cock to keep myself from busting. I grunted when I was just barely successful but couldn't rein in a few involuntary thrusts of my own hips into the air that I hoped, if anyone was paying attention, would look like me trying to hold in my vomit of horror at seeing step granny in this condition.

But I turned around and it didn't seem like anyone was paying attention because Marco was putting a bolus of morphine into step granny's IV and she was pleading for him to hurry because it felt like a grenade had gone off in her pelvis.

I almost moaned at the pressure in the base of my cock as heard that and then had to push so fucking hard on my base again I almost squealed as I watched it take effect in less than a minute. Her eyes practically crossed before going wide with what looked like surprise. Her mouth dropped open and her tongue lolled around her lips as the drugs hit her.

She made a few noises that sent shivers through my erection before her whole body seemed to deflate with a long, breathy sigh. Her head fell to the side, her eyes and mouth locked open in a rictus of what could have been agony, bliss, or was more likely some combination of the two.

I don't know how I didn't bust right then. It was like she'd been written as a character in a kink fic to hit all my surgical fetish buttons. She was just splayed there, drugged out of her gourd, with a dumb look of utter shock on her face, like she never could have imagined having her arthritic hip joints sawed off and metal balls hammered into their place would hurt this bad.

She lay there like that for five minutes, emitting weak groans but otherwise completely catatonic. I didn't even know if she was conscious but grandpa stroked her cheek, rubbing a knuckle near her slack mouth.

"How are those hips feeling, honey?"

It didn't look like she was able to hear us for about 30 seconds but then her eyes went to half lidded, then rolled back in her head, and then she let out a long throaty moan that could only be described as pornographic.

"Ooooooooooh they feel so good, oh God it feels so good."

She let out another long moan and it looked like she was going to go catatonic again but this time with her eyes rolled back in her head and a mask of pure bliss on her pale features.

My grandpa turned to me and shot me an unexpectedly dirty smile for the situation.

"That's what she said last night. And that was the look she had on her face when she said it too."

My cock jumped in my pants so hard I was sure my grandpa had to see it. It was only that thought -- explaining to my grandpa why I was cumming all over his wife's hospital bed -- that kept me from nutting because...holy shit. I never ever thought I'd find my grandpa having sex with his wife hot but the idea of him pounding her mangled hips hours before they sliced them out just about sent me over the edge after everything else I'd endured over the last few hours.

I was thanking fuck I managed to hold it together when step granny emitted a strained chuckle and commanded her drugged features into what might pass as a smile. She let out another one of those long moans and I almost joined her as it sent a bolt of heat to my length.

"Give me a few hours and my hips can take you," she slurred. "They feel so good I'll take all of it, the whole thing, just give me a few hours."

It was a drugged old lady thing to say and, I can attest, would become a family favorite story of step granny's hip replacement tale once she was far enough from it for anything about it to be funny.

It was also the last fucking straw for my poor, aching cock. I didn't even have a chance to stop it. I was cumming, untouched, for the first time in my life, in the middle of relative's hospital room. And I wasn't cumming delicately or demurely, I was cumming like a fucking freight train, moaning, bucking into the air, and practically having a seizure as every fucking hot thing about the fucking hottest day of my life - which had basically been 10 hours of edging to a 15 year-old fantasy -- spilled over into the best and most embarrassing orgasm I had ever had, coating my boxers with a measure of cum I didn't know was possible to shoot out of me or anyone.

I was still jerking from the aftershocks when Marco, the nurse who I’d barely noticed before, put his shoulder under mine and held me up as I bucked involuntarily, spilling the last of my load. I had no idea what I was going to say to anyone but, for whatever reason, he was leading me out of the room, telling my bewildered grandpa I might be in shock from seeing step granny in so much pain.

Just as we were about to leave the room Marco looked at me knowingly, flashed a sick smile, and called back into the room, "now take it easy now, you two love birds. Wouldn't want to take those new hips out for a spin too soon!"

I groan as my poor, throbbing cock perks back up at the general implications of that and he grins like the cat that got the canary, clearly confirming to himself that I'm getting sexual pleasure out of this, as if cumming myself stupid in the middle of her hospital room didn't give enough of a clue.

He directed me into a nearby closet and I am about to open my mouth to explain why I'm not the worst person in the world for getting off to my grandmother's agonizing surgery recovery when Marco whipped his cock out and gave it a few fast, desperate strokes before pulling a face of relief that almost reminded me of step granny when she got the morphine.

"I'm sorry," he said, continuing to rut his massive cock desperately into his hand, "it's just she's so fucking hot, she's like a god damn fetish porno, and I've been hard as a fucking rock since she woke up and screamed "my hips, oh my god, someone put a gun up my vagina and exploded my hips!"

I heard that and for the second time in my life, and that day, I nutted my brains out without so much as stroke to my cock. He kept tugging on me through the aftershocks as he told about what she was like to recover.

He said it was like she could feel everything from the moment she was brought around on the table and that she started screaming for pain meds the instant she was extubated, while they were still suctioning out of her throat even. Marco started bucking into his own hand, his voice becoming uneven with arousal, as he told me the doctor kept insisting she had a nerve block and she was just being dramatic or was maybe even med seeking while she was laying in the bed, trembling, on the verge of going into shock from the pain.

His voice became uneven as he stroked himself harder and began to imitate step granny as she lay there screaming, groggy and deeply confused from the effects of the anesthesia. 

“I feel where they broke my hip!”

“Why is this happening to me? Please make it stop”

“Am I dying? I’m in so much pain I feel like I’m dying!”

By this point Marco had jerked himself into a frenzy reliving how she looked and sounded in the depths of her agony but he blew his load when he relayed the look on her face when she was moved from the operating table to the bed. She was evidently a little more aware than she should have been and, well, he was cumming too hard to tell me exactly what happened but it must have been brutal because he came screaming “my hips are shattering, my hips are shattering.”

It was remarkably chill between me and Marco after we both came down from fucking ourselves silly to our medfet dreams made real life. He was asking me about my favorite surgeries, how I realized medical stuff turned me on, if my granny was always so dramatic. I was telling him I knew her about as well as he did when he got a text that made his jaw drop. 

“Holy shit. Fuck dude. She wasn’t being dramatic. They just caught her anesthesiologist high in the parking lot. He was diverting during her fucking surgery.”

I look at him with a blank look. “What does that mean?”

He winced. “It means instead of giving her the drugs he took them himself. Everything she was supposed to get after and, holy shit from the way she was when she woke up, maybe from during the surgery too. Holy shit. I hope she had enough during the surgery. She did keep saying she felt everything.”

I felt my heart start to race as I thought I understood what he was saying but I asked him to clarify just to make sure I was understanding. 

“No wonder we were nutting over how hot she was being. She didn’t have any pain meds after the surgery and she may not have even had enough during the surgery. She wasn’t being dramatic, she was raw dogging a double hip replacement.”

For the third time in my life, and that day, I busted absolutely untouched in my pants. That was the single fucking hottest thing I'd ever heard up until that moment.

That is until three days later when I held Marco's cock and step granny's hand as she strained on a bedpan to take the dreaded first post-surgery shit.

"Oh God, I need an enema, I feel like it's breaking my hips!"

I quit counting how many times I came, untouched and otherwise, during her recovery as Marco and I got to know each other.

There's a reason we still refer to step granny's now long healed, ballroom dancing hips as "the hips that launched 1000 orgasms."

[dyrewrites]

I am in a weird place. Not here, specifically. You are weird Tumblr...but it's why I love you. More a life...place?

I'm an author, this is what I'm told, this is what I answer when asked what my occupation is--as being a raccoon wife is apparently not an answer. It doesn't feel like I am though, on account of people have always made it seem that 'author' meant 'writes and publishes novels' and while I have written novels...I've not published them. I plan to, but until I do my name will bring up short fiction.

All my experience with writing and publishing is through a lens of short horror and flailing around on my own to get it out there.

And it is the wrong way. That's what all the articles say anyhow. All of those 'how to publish' pieces where they tell you to study the market and what the 'ideal' word count is for what genre and whatnot.

Those 'experts' insist you can't publish short fiction, unless you're joining in on an anthology (not your own, mind, apparently that's for 'established authors' whatever that means), and expect people to care.

You're meant to submit short stories to magazines or contests. You try for a big payout instead of publishing it yourself and hoping for pennies.

Because people don't buy short stories. They buy novels.

Well, I did submit to magazines. I read all those articles, followed their advice, researched magazines and found which ones would accept what I wrote. I even read through the magazines to make sure my stories fit their vibe.

My stories were rejected. I expected them to be, honestly. That's what writing and submitting is. Takes many rejections to get in, right?

But I also got a few claiming they didn't take the genre I wrote, despite having it listed in their submission guides as approved. Instead of saying, "this isn't for us" or "we don't like this" they said, "we don't take this genre"

How bad could it have been that they didn't even see it as part of the genre?

Killed me dead. Obliterated.

A friend who read it insisted I just publish it on my own, because she liked it and thought others would. Which they did! Quite a few even.

So I've not submitted anymore stories.

I've been publishing on my own and while I've not made enough for the government to think I'm employed, I have sold enough stories to prove people wrong about short fiction.

You can publish it on your own and people will buy it. They'll even rave about it and leave reviews and tell others. You know, like people do with novels.

I had a point to this, I really did, I think I might have lost it somewhere?

I just...I see other writers worried they're not real because they write shorts or serials and I want you to know that's bullshit and your gremlin needs a gag.

You're real. People love short stories as much as any other story and they've love yours too if you put it out there.

So put it out there.

[gaylordscooter]

Log of the Multiverse: Cross and XChara

Cross and XChara (usually referred to as just "Chara") both hail from Xtale, an au that's fallen into ruin ever since the creator, XGaster, was contained.

I was shocked to find out that the creator was one of the characters in their universe, but Ink told me he was a false creator, as he was merely a puppet to the true creator that lies beyond our realm and comprehension. It's like how a meta character in a piece of fiction can be written to act "aware", but it's still being written by somebody. Ain't that weird?

Don't think about that for too long.

So Xtale was kinda an empty void after XGaster was taken care of—that's the fault of Cross who killed like, all of his friends (but xpapyrus was the one who killed basically everyone else. GEEZ i couldn't imagine my brother killing a fly! hurting a fly definitely. but killing?? yeesh) and then absorbed xfrisk's soul because he thought he'd be able to OVERWRITE (<- a mechanic their world has where you can basically do whatever the hell you want, or something) his world turned out he couldn't do that sooo.

yeah he was NOT happy about losing his world (and somewhat playing a part in its downfall)

and also xchara's linked to frisk's soul for some reason. so he kinda just had xchara haunting him for awhile.

Luckily! Ink, Dream and I were able to help Cross cope through his loss!

It took so much time. like so much.

He eventually came to accept his world would never come back, but he got an idea. Since his universe couldn't be repaired to what it was before, why not create something new? Of course he couldn't create new people but after learning there were more people that have lost their homes like him (and me) he thought: why not make this place a safe haven for people like him?

Ink encouraged him. He was Very enthusiastic about it actually, he even helped with decorating the place (as in he painted every building. and all the scenery).

Of course, Cross isn't like Dream and Ink, who can sense negativity or when someone's world is destroyed, so those two tend to give him a heads up on where to go (or they just drop people off themselves)

At first we've just been calling it "Xtale" but obviously the place has changed drastically so we decided to call it something else.

unfortunately somehow all of us (even the ARTIST) weren't able to come up with that creative of a name and settled for calling it "the hub"

Now, I didn't forget about XChara, they were getting tired of having to haunt Cross all the time, so I decided to take up a little project.

And by me, I mean I asked Alphys (from a post-pacifist undertale au, we're buddies. yes i'm allowed to be friends with her because they're no longer following the game's script) to help me make a robot body. i made a prototype that ended up being completely non-functional. so alphys kindly made a complete one that WAS functional for me. even though i insisted she didn't need to do that but she said she enjoyed doing it and that i would've popped blood vessels i didn't have if i kept trying to make one (she's right. i was never that big of an engineer)

so the hard part was separating cross and chara. except it WASNT because their souls are WEIRD and i literally just wrenched their pieces apart like lego pieces it was crazy. unfortunately they still only have half of each of their souls. but hey, they can live just fine like that! they're just not as strong as they would be.

well, mainly in cross's case. chara has a cool robot body now that's loaded with defense.

So anyway, yeah! That's about it.

Pretty happy outcome for these guys, despite all the hardships of course.

But I heard from Ink, in this other multiverse this thing called the "X-Event" occurs. It sounded pretty rough from what I remember. But fortunately our Ink isn't like the one in that multiverse! He's too much of a softy

[super-hero-confessions]

Quote: "I'm tired of people hiding behind fiction when they're called out for supporting evil or defending the indefensible. It's not even just about sympathy for the devil because there's no care for actual healing and rehab for these guys."

lol someone hasn't ever read a single of the quintillion healing/rehab/new leaf fics by any of these stan groups

Get over yourself. People have been lusting after villain characters since the dawn of story. These characters are all charismatic, complex, fascinating, and makes people think about gray morality, where the line is, and what redemption means. We aren't idiots who think that because X did this wrong, it makes the action they did right and we should all do it too.

Its people like you who insist on being the Morality Police that ruin dark!fic and dark fantasies for the rest of us. You are the ones banning books that offend you and taking down antiquated films for being 'problematic' instead of turning them into learning examples of why we don't say that shit anymore. I bet you would have turned in Luigi Mangione too. God, you suck.

[differenteagletragedy]

Hey not the same anon but I saw the Cliff HCS and was curious if you had any more thoughts on the possible little sibling for cove you mentioned in the first ones. I’d imagine it would definitely be an unplanned ordeal with how I see Cliff at least(obviously okay if you see differently! But the guy just had his own little guy grow up and leave the nest so I can’t see baby 2: electric bungaloo being planned) but I just have this image in my head of both Cliff and (his ofc)MC freaking out because they think MC is dying, rushing to the hospital and getting back a “not dying, just pregnant” and both of them going “oh. OH!” (1/2)

This was a two-parter! Here's the rest:

But yeah! Plus only-child-turned-big-brother Cove is such a fun concept to because while there’s probably a lot of emotions™️ there, I just know he cries the first time he holds the nugget. (Also Canon!MC whether dating Cove or not is honorary big sibling as well). But to wrap it up whether you have any ideas or hcs for this idea yourself(absolutely okay if you don’t ofc!) I love the whole dynamic of Cliff’s MC and I hope you have super fun with writing whatever it is you do next!

-- Thank you friend, I will have so much fun! And I have so many thoughts about Cliff doing all the things!

-- So honestly I could see it going either way. By the time Cove turns 18 and moves out, Cliff isn't even 40 yet, he's active and healthy and being a dad is his favorite thing ever, so I could see him planning a second child with you, after he's sure Cove wouldn't be upset by the idea.

-- Some parents would be like "My child is grown now, I am living my own life and if they don't like it then that is sad but I have to live for myself, even if it upsets them." And that is just not Cliff.

-- But Cove wouldn't mind either, it wouldn't have to be some big ordeal. He loves his dad and wants him to be happy, and he knows you make him happy, and it might be fun to have a little sibling, even if they're going to be a very very little to him.

-- Cliff is going to really like the process of trying for a baby. Sorry but it's true, do whatever you want with that.

-- He'd be really active in tracking your ovulation, mapping out the best times to try, all that. And boy does he have a can-do attitude!

-- When you do get pregnant, what a gift you have given him. He is going to be over the moon. He already takes care you you like nobody's business, but you haven't seen anything yet.

-- But a surprise pregnancy is always fun (in fiction lol, be safe out there)! Once he figured out where you were with it, he would also be on cloud nine, pleased as punch, so on and so forth. Because sure, it is a little wild to raise a whole entire person from the time they are born until the time they are an adult then turn around and repeat the process entirely like that, but he's more than up for it.

-- He knows the baby is going to be their own person, and he'd never try to use them as some sort of redemption for himself. But he is still determined to not repeat his old mistakes. He will communicate with you about everything, you will make every important decision together, a team 100%.

-- Cliff is an absolute dreamboat and it's a shame that we don't talk about it more. We're a small enough fandom that we could be having regular meetings to address issues like this.

-- He goes with you to an ultrasound and you're told that the baby is measuring weeks ahead and is going to be a big baby! Cliff is smug. Also hopeful that this one won't outgrow him like Cove did. He likes being a big boy.

-- And then what if the baby comes out tan with blonde hair looking just like him, what about that.

-- Cliff with a newborn is crazy. He is running on fumes but you'd never know it because he's just so damn happy. You know those dads who never change a diaper or insist on not waking up in the night because they need their rest for work. Could NEVER be Cliff.

-- Cove comes to visit at the hospital after the baby is born, he's not really sure how it will feel and he's been a little detached during the pregnancy, not out of any kind of meanness, just because he can't really grasp at that point what this means for his life, you know? But when he meets the baby for the first time, maybe they have a feature or two of his, some kind of familial resemblance, and THAT'S HIS LITTLE BROTHER/SISTER. He's a big brother. Thoughts racing, tears flowing, utter joy unlocked.

-- He is going to be the best big brother the world has ever seen, he is determined. He asks Derek for advice. He researches how to take care of babies. He wants to babysit! So many presents for the baby. So many plans made for every stage of baby's life. Cove is talking to his MC about them renewing their wedding vows one day and if he should ask Cliff to be his best man again or ask the new baby, and MC is like "........"

-- Kyra is involved, that's her baby's baby sibling and she is so happy for Cliff she can't stand it. You have to be cool with Kyra to be with Cliff too, that's a rule, but it's not like it'll be hard.

-- I said this in another one, but it's going to be really important for Cliff to keep the house in Sunset Bird if at all possible. That's where Cove did most of his growing up, and he knows it would be hard on him to lose it. Cove would be totally fine with giving up his old room that he's not ever going to use again for his new baby sibling.

-- Living by the beach, his best friends across the street, his oldest child living nearby and his baby safe in his arms, and you, the love of his life, by his side through all of it. What a life Cliff has.

[florsial]

Slytherin Skittles (aka Hogwarts' Pantheon) Incorrect quotes!

(+others)

. . . . .

Evan: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Barty will and will not eat. Pandora: Grass? Yes! Evan: Moss? Yes!! Pandora: Leaves? Ohh, yes! Evan: Shoelaces? Strange but true! Pandora: Worms? Sometimes! Evan: Rocks? Usually nah. Pandora: Twigs? Usually! Evan: Dorcas's cooking? Inconclusive! Regulus: How did you… test this? Evan: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it. Regulus: ... I don’t know how to feel about this. Dorcas: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

. . . .

Regulus: Where's Evan, Dorcas, and Pandora?

Barty: They're playing hide and seek. Regulus: Where? Barty: I don't think you get how this game works.

. . . .

Pandora: Regulus's first detention, I'm so proud. Evan: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention? Dorcas: Because they're an idiot. Barty, terrified: They can do that??

. . . .

Regulus: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell. Evan and Barty: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

. . . .

Regulus: What did you guys get in your yearbook? Dorcas: 'Prettiest Smile' Pandora: 'Nicest Personality' Barty: 'Most likely to start a bar fight' Evan: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

. . . .

Regulus: You're a lying piece of shit! Barty: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD! Evan: I'm leaving and I'm taking Pandora with me! Dorcas, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

. . . .

Pandora: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? Dorcas: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. Barty: Three of us saw it, Dorcas. How do you explain that? Dorcas: *points at Evan* Sleep deprivation. *points at Regulus* Paranoia. *points at Barty* Delusional personality disorder.

. . . .

Pandora: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? Dorcas: Several traffic violations. Evan: Three counts of resisting arrest. Barty: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. Regulus: Also, that’s not our car.

. . . .

Barty: How do you connect with a fictional character? Evan: What? Dorcas: What? Pandora: What? Regulus: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

. . . .

Regulus: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple... Pandora: I really care about your feelings! Lily: I really care about YOUR feelings! Regulus, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple... Barty: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL! Evan: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

. . . .

James: What did you get Regulus for their birthday? Pandora: I got them a kitten. Barty: Really? Me too! Dorcas: I also got them a cat. Evan: Looks like we had the same idea. Pandora: James, please tell me you didn't get Regulus a cat as well! James: ...I got them a kitten. *later* Regulus, in their apartment surrounded by cats and kittens: This is the best birthday ever!

. . . .

Pandora: What do rainbows mean to you? Barty: Gay rights. Dorcas: There's money. Evan: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. Regulus: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

. . . .

Regulus: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses. Barty: This knife is actually a magic wand. Evan: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a wizard duel. Pandora: * cocks gun* Magic missile. Dorcas: What the fuck is wrong with you people.