#they technically did give me mental health issues I definitely was depressed last year before this incident

[spicyicymeloncat]

I saw in your notes that you had to cancel your birthday so happy (possibly late) birthday!!

Haha thanks it was last year in September lol!!

And actually I did get to do birthday plans it was just kinda miserably bc the reason I was going to cancel was due to conflicts with my mum (and her making me feel like an awful person about it), but my other mum didn’t care and we went anyways and it was actually fine (the concerns my mum didn’t happen)

Also I was going through basically a platonic break up as well so crazy month lol

But thank you, and everyone who sent me flags, it was nice to get some positive interaction during all that!

[scatterpatter]

Corren - 1 through 100 - You did this to yourself.

FUCK YOU *UN-IRONICS YOUR ASK*

UNDER THE FUCKING CUT

1. What do they smell like?

Bad. Do you think their party is able to regularly take showers? I thinketh the fuck not. ... Pine and old books when he can self care tho.

2. What is their voice like?

Listen I know Corren, being taller, would be more likely to have a deeper register but you'll tear "tenor Corren" out of my cold dead hands

3. What is their biggest motivator?

Spite.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

When he first met his BFF Alondra, he was so antisocial and good at ignoring people that she actually got the impression he might have been hard of hearing. She never let him live that down. (one day I'll finish this fic i promise)

5. How do they deal with/react to pain?

"I will keep all of my pain in here, and one day I'll die." ... Okay but listen he's squishy so he takes like one hit and is bloodied up. Someone get him a healer. Pls.

6. What do they like to wear?

He likes his cloak. Its weighty and soft(well. WAS soft. got a bit of wear and tear these days.) and like. Who doesnt love cloaks.

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?

Ohhhhh fuuuccck this one's tough. I might have to go with Torvid honestly. While the entire party has had a positive impact on him(and trust me I was this close to picking Alistair), Torvid's been more of the one to call him out on his bullshit and to, oh I don't know, talk about your emotions? Ever??? Yknow BEFORE they become too much to handle and he absolutely breaks down???

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?

Alistair's cooking.

9. Describe the way that they sleep.

Good luck finding him NOT cuddled up with at least one dog. Tbh he just enjoys cuddles in general.

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?

FUCKIN. GIVE HIM A GOOD STEAK. THIS BOY IS MOSTLY CARNIVORISTIC.

11. What do they feel most insecure about?

As tempted as I am to say "His cooking", it's actually his singing.

12. How do they like to dress?

"Comfort over flashiness tbh. I gotta go ADVENTURING in whatever I wear after all."

"... Also don't you DARE perceive me as cishet."

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?

Call him a genie because he will BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP.

14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal?

Denial :D

15. What is their greatest achievement?

Shrike: Killing his dad

Me: NOOOOOO

EDIT: WAIT THIS WAS ANSWERED IN Q99 WHAT THE HECK

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?

Somehow more of a dick than usual. Snappy and cranky and just. Mrehhh.

17. What are they like when they’re drunk?

Doesn't get drunk often, but when he does I imagine he's actually giggly and a little clingy. It's cute :)

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

*Opens my Corren playlist* Oh yeah. It's either full edgy alt rock or indie alt "depressed millenial" tracks.

19. Are they right or left handed?

FFFuuhhhhck uhhhh well

Looking over my old art I can't seem to pick a dominant hand(I've even drawn him handling his sniper with either hand???????????) so like oops guess he's ambidextrous.

20. Fears?

The dark, the ocean, dying alone and forgotten, his friends losing their trust of him

21. Favorite kind of weather?

Rain!!!! Especially cool rain like what people often get in fall months.

22. Favorite color?

Indigo!!!

23. Do they collect anything?

Books :3

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

Cold weather by far.

25. What is their eye color?

Electric blue!

26. What is their race/ethnicity?

Well his race is a homebrew race known as Marelienth. Uhhh ethnicity? Idk he's from a mountain town way up north *shrugs*

In human aus I imagine him as half-Mongolian half-Norwegian so ayee

27. Hair color?

Black!

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

No :D He loves adventuring with his party don't get me wrong but he still has a lot of trauma to unpack. ... Also he was just possibly broken up with soooo. :/

29. Are they a morning person?

NOPE.

30. Sunrise or sunset?

*motions to above question* Sunset.

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

More organized, actually!

32. Pet peeves?

*unravels a list. It's all shit the party has done. Mostly Alistair.*

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

HOOUSIDSJFK- HE- Y-YEAH HE SURE DOES

His amethyst pendant used to belong to his brother, Julian, and he gave it to Corren right before they were separated so you BET it's sentimental as shit and he wears it daily.

34. Least favorite food?

Mecha's usually a great cook but one time trolled him with some absurdly spicy curry he couldn't handle and he's never forgiven them.

35. Least favorite color?

Hmmm. Maybe... yellow?

36. Least favorite smell?

He spent a year with his party in a damp cave and no showers, so uh. I'll give you a guess.

37. When was the last time they cried?

Literally last night in our game's timeline :D Full breakdown and everything!

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

Torvid :D He was there to comfort

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

One time they were in combat and Corren took a few hits and was down to about 2hp or so. He had a temporary level thanks to Kieran, which boosted his HP a little bit. When he teleported them to a safe town, though, well... Torvid was waiting for them so that's cool. But uh. Yeah that temporary level wore off then and there, dropping Corn Cob to exactly 0hp and he just- flopped down face first in the snow and started dying then and there KJNDKLFNSLKN

40. Do they have any scars?

:)

Do you want to talk about the scar over his eye from a fight he got in with his dad or like. The scars on his limbs from the time he was literally experimented on.

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues?

:)

Undiagnosed+Untreated Anxiety, Depression, DPDR, PTSD, just to name a few

42. Do they have any bad habits?

Running away from his problems, definitely.

43. Why might someone dislike them?

He's a pretentious nerd. He can be a dick if he doesn't care about you.

44. Why might someone love them?

He's an adorable nerd! He's a hopeless romantic and oddly enough an optimist. He's passionate and driven too!

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

Well ghosts are like- a canon proven thing in his world sooo. Yeah.

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives?

His party. Well- most in his party.

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone?

Nethyl :)

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

He's dating Nethyl and they're in a happy and healthy relationship :) *politely ignores canon*

49. Do they like surprises?

NO >:(

50. When is their birthday?

Heroya 5th! I think. I don't wanna check, assume it's this.

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

"You guys celebrate your watchdays?"

Jokes aside, he mainly just treats himself to a nice dinner and a new book or something :)

52. Do they have any family?

Two older siblings: Julian and Mila. His parents are Andreas and Fanya!

53. Are they close to their family?

... *Coughs*. He was close with his siblings, but Mila died and he hasn't seen Julian in 30 years. Was close with his dad but last time they saw each other, they fought and Corren might have killed him so. ... Yeah. :/

54. What is their MBTI type?

FUCK uh. I... N... T... J? INTJ. Sure.

55. What is their zodiac sign?

In Sekrezia: The eagle

In our world: Uhhh. Idk. Capricorn????

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in?

Uhhh. Ravenclaw??? I know almost nothing about HP :/

57. What D&D alignment are they?

THIS ONE'S EASY- lawful neutral!

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

:)

Used to have typical nightmares, nothing special. Nowadays though he often dreams of being underwater. Not drowning, though. It's... weird. He doesn't like those.

59. What are their views on death?

He's a necromancer lol.

Death is inevitable, though. It's a necessary part of life. Death is not an entire loss, though. One lives on in the memories others carry of them, in the love they hold in their hearts. Death is complicated, but that's okay.

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

Alistair :)

61. When bored, how do they pass time?

Dog time :)

62. Do they enjoy being outside?

... Ehhhhhh?

63. Do they have an accent?

Technically??? It's an accent from where he's from but like. I just barely tweak my own voice when I rp him so? Damn Corren I'm sorry you've been cursed with east coast dialect.

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

"Damn who's the rich bastard here?" (cake is kinda a delicacy in their world- not like elites only but not NEARLY as common as it is here)

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

Reassurance mode to whomever he's with. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm okay. Remember what I told you, death is a natural part of life, yeah? I don't have any regrets, I'm okay... Just. Thanks. For giving me a chance. Thank you. Thank you."

66. How do they feel about sex?

I SWEAR he's allosexual. I'm just bad at writing allosexuals.

67. What is their sexuality?

He doesn't really know how to pin it down, so he just calls himself "queer". Definitely not straight, that's all he knows.

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

AHAHA no. He's hella desensitized

69. Is there anything that they find really gross?

Skulking cyst. Look it up at your own volition. It's. NO.

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

It's 12:21 in the morning and I'm NOT about to scroll through a bunch of tv tropes just. just. NERD stereotype.

71. Do they enjoy helping people?

Yyyyes? Only really if it's the people he cares about.

72. Are they allergic to anything?

Bullshit.

73. Do they have a pet?

WINGTHARA!! HIS SKELE-DOG!!!

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper?

Oh yeah he's all bark and no bite. He usually just throws a little fit and/or yells.

75. How patient are they?

More than he should be :/

76. Are they good at cooking?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often?

Oh yes he insults the others all the time. No particular favorite, he likes so spice it up.

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?

Stim. Stim. Stim. His eyes get all sparkly and he. He.

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears?

He will do everything in his power to assure they won't ever have to deal with their fears alone- You afraid of spiders? It's his job to get the spiders from now on so you won't have to deal with them.

80. Are they trustworthy?

Oh yeah. He's like Rapunzel- doesn't break promises.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

Oh yes he tries to hide it. And yes, he's awful at it.

82. Do they exercise regularly?

Yes and no? No like- exercise regimen, but the amount of travelling and fighting they do is just- a workout in and of itself

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look?

Yeah! He's cute and he knows it baybie!!!

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

He,,, he likes someone who's physically stong,,, Muscles are,,, aaaaa >///>

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive?

Someone he can nerd out with :)

86. Do they like sweet foods?

Impartial to it. He won't turn sweets away but he's not crazy about them either.

87. What is their age?

43, the equivalent of- I think someone in their mid 30s?

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between?

He's 6'8" :) Which is actually normal for his race

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts?

Sometimes! I like to think he has reading glasses or something like that.

90. Do they consider themselves attractive?

HE'S CUTE AND HE KNOWS IT.

91. What is their sense of humor like?

Julian tainted his sense of humor and now he finds the most dumb shit hilarious. Think very millenial/GenZ humor like "I wish I was Jared, 19"

92. What mood are they most often in?

"I don't get paid enough for this" or Fear.jpg

93. What kinds of things anger them?

People who don't keep their FUCKING WORD. Oh and like. Yknow. Half the shit his party does.

94. Outlook on life?

Again he's??? Oddly an optimist? In the "Things will get better and that is a fucking THREAT" way, but still optimist!

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed?

Talk about his family :) Or the fact that his boyfriend might want him dead :)

96. What is their greatest weakness?

He's squishy as fuck. He goes down easy.

97. What is their greatest strength?

He's extremely intelligent and great with magic and his sniper!

98. Something that they regret?

Not doing more to stop his brother when he tried to resurrect their sister

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Either convincing an entire town his name is Torren or accidentally convincing some very OP people that he's secretly a dragon.

100. Create your own!

FUCK YOU I SPENT LIKE 2 HOURS ON THIS. NO PROOFREAD. IVE ALREADY DESIGNED CORREN'S AND NETHYL'S HYPOTHETICAL KIDS. ANYWAYS THEY'RE TWIN IRINAGA AND I'VE NAMED THEM AFTER THE DNDADS TWINS: THEIR NAMES ARE LARK AND SPARROW.

[bbyboybrock--archived]

You’re Home (Colby Brock Imagine)

Summary: Sequel to To Pluto and Back. After months back home in Bar Harbor, Maine during quarantine, you have had enough of the being away from Colby. You spend the next few driving across the country just to go home to him.

Written: 2020

Word Count: 2,754

Warnings: A lot of fluff, swearing (minor)

Masterlist

“Call me every day while you’re on the road.” My mother says as she squeezes me tight.

“I will, I promise. I should be back in La in five days, a week if I decided to take in the sights while I’m driving. Are you sure you don’t need me to stay? I can cancel everything right now.” I place my hands on either side of my mom’s face.

“I’m positive. Your brother and sister are nearby if your dad and I need help. Besides, I don’t think I can take any more of you moping around the house. Go home to your boyfriend and friends.” My mom kisses my forehead and goes to stand on the porch so my dad and I can talk in private.

“Got everything you need? Your clothes, GPS, snacks, full tank of gas?” My dad asks with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I packed up my bedroom. I have the ice chest in my car, I’m going to get snacks, gas, and ice right now. Mom packed me to lunch and a few snacks. I have all of my chargers, my spare tires, my overnight bags for when I have to spend the night in a motel. My location is on for you, mom, and my friend in LA. My wallet, phone, and all my little necessities are in the front seat along with chargers. I have the number for a tow company just in case. I also have my mace and whistle. I’m going to be okay.”

“I’m just making sure. I’m your dad, I’m allowed to worry. Here, take this.” My dad hands me a folded up bill.

“Dad, I don’t need money. Keep it.” I try to push his hand away, but he’s insistent.

“Just take it to ease an old man’s heart.” I hesitantly take the money and put it in my pocket.

“Fine. I love you guys and I’ll call you when I’m home.” I wrap my arms around my dad and kiss his cheek. He gives me a soft, yet tight hug back and kisses the top of my head. He lets go and my mom joins him as I grab my filming camera off of the top of my trunk and hop into my car.

****

I’ve been down in the dumps since I sent Colby that care package. He sent me one back after and I filmed that video last week. I’ve been moping around the house since then with the new stuffed animal he gave me. I knew that going back home to Maine to help my parents out with the quarantine would be hard, but it’s taking longer than I thought and it’s been taking a serious toll on my mental health. I only came home because my brother and sister are older with their own families, I knew they would help out our parents when they could, but I knew that they needed me to help too. The three hour time difference doesn’t help either. I’m just so used to being with Colby since I moved in with him two years ago. Being away from him truly feels like I’m missing a part of myself. My mom finally saw how sad I was being away and basically kicked me out of the house. After a few days of thinking, I finally packed all of my stuff to head home.

“Hey, guys, Y/N here! Today, I’m taking you guys with me on a road trip. To make a long story short, I’m going home to LA to surprise Colby and finally move into the house. The only one who knows is Sam, who is helping me make sure Colby doesn’t do anything rash like fly over to surprise me. Because of the virus and all, I’m trying my best to limit my human contact. Unfortunately for me, that means taking a 50-hour road trip across the country by myself. But it’ll be worth it in the end. I’m at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some provisions for the next few hours. When I get back I’ll give you guys a little car tour!” I turn off my camera and grab my bag before heading into the convince store.

I only told Sam because I figured he could be the only one to keep Colby in line while I drove. He’s been talking about coming down to Maine to stay with me for a bit, and knowing him he would actually do it. I would have told Jake and Corey, but I feel like they would let it slip that I’m coming. I told Sam that he could tell them when I’m 5 minutes from the house. I’ve worked really hard planning this perfectly so that Colby won’t suspect a thing. I pre-filmed and edited this week’s YouTube video. I made a whole bunch of TikToks all over my parent’s house so I could post a few while I’m on the road and he would think I’m still there. I took a lot of selfies and boomerangs to post Instagram and to send to Colby. I even drafted tweets in case I got too tired to think of something after a long day of driving.

The only issue is when Colby wants to FaceTime; which is every day. I could probably get away with texting and calling him for the next few days. Despite the time difference, we like to fall asleep and wake up together. Well, I’m always asleep and awake first because of the time, but you get the point. We were THAT couple for the past four months.

I get some shots of me getting gas and filling the ice chest with snacks. This is going to be a long trip, but I made sure to only get a few snacks. I did get a lot of iced coffees just in case the gas station I stop at every morning doesn’t have the brand or flavor I like. You only make that mistake once.

“Okay guys, It’s 8:30 in the morning on a Monday, and in all honesty, my goal is to be in LA by Friday. Unless I drive for 5 days straight, that’s not going to happen. I think I’ll barely make it out of Maine today. Realistically, I probably won’t be home until next Monday, maybe even later. I do want you to know that I’m going to try to be safe and smart. All of my travel clothes are light and comfortable. I’m not going to be driving more than 8 hours a day. I’m going to get to the motels around 5 pm so I can get dinner and relax. I’m going to take a break every two hours to stretch my legs, eat, go to the bathroom, etc. I have compression socks to prevent blood clots. I have no real plans for this trip. Honestly, I don’t care how this goes. All I care about is getting home to Colby. I know that I’ve been talking about how depressed and lonely I’ve been without him, but I know that he feels the same way, maybe even worse. So I’m mainly doing this for him. And bub, if you’re watching this, I love you.” I close the camera again and turn on my GoPros to get some shots of my driving.

****

“Did you hear they might extend the quarantine again?” Colby says on the other line. I’m eating breakfast in my car. I spent the night in Denver. I have two more states to drive through before I’m finally in California. The trip is taking a bit longer than I anticipated. It’s Friday and I’m a quarter of the way home. I’ve already driven through ten states, but the fact that I have about three to four more days until I can be in Colby’s arms again is what’s keeping me going.

“I didn’t hear about that. I’ve been trying to spend less time on the internet lately. That sucks. That means we’re not going to be able to see each other until like next year or something.” I can’t help by smile. Sometimes when I lie I have the urge to laugh. I’m generally good at hiding it, but I keep thinking about the look I’m going to see on Colby’s face when I see him.

“Don’t say that. This is the longest we’ve been apart since we started hanging out. It’s already been killing me the past few months. Maybe I could come down to visit you for a few weeks.” He’s been saying that so often, I’m afraid he’s going to sneak out of the house to surprise me in Maine.

“I would love that, babe, but we talked about this. I don’t want to risk you getting sick. I know it’s hard, but we need to wait this out, I promise everything will change soon. Very soon. Oh shoot, I got to get my laundry before my mom gets upset. I’ll call you tonight. I love you.”

“I love you too, princess.” I hang up and just stare at my phone for a bit. A picture of Colby that I took before I left is my lock screen. I didn’t technically lie about the laundry. I brought only a few days worth of clothes and I needed to wash them. So I grabbed breakfast near a laundry mat so I could kill two birds with one stone. I’ve also been texting Sam to keep him updated. We still don’t know how I’m going to surprise Colby. We agreed to talk about it when I’m closer to California so we don’t jinx anything. He’s had to stop Colby from buying a plane ticket a couple of times. I’m so glad that I told him or else this whole trip would have been for nothing.

By the time I get to a motel every night, I get so anxious that I want to start driving again. The only thing keeping me sane is editing parts of the video and stopping at gift shops in every state I drive through to get souvenirs for everyone. I get something specific for Colby and me and then a bunch of cute $1 items for everyone else so they can choose what they want. Our friend group is too big for me to buy bigger things for each of my friends. I’ve already spent close to $300 on gas on this trip so far.

****

“Hey, is anyone near you?” I ask Sam as I pack my stuff back into my overnight bag.

“I’m in my room and everyone is either asleep or getting breakfast, what’s up?” I hear Sam moving in the background.

“I’m definitely going to be in Los Angles today. I have four and a half hours left, give or take, until I’m at the house. Are the plans for today set?” I double-check that I have everything before heading out to my car. I load my stuff into my car and head to the front desk to check out. I pay and return my key before finally heading back to my car.

“Yeah, I mean there isn’t much we can do. Thank God the shops are finally, open. I can distract Colby by going to the mall or something. Jake and Corey are going to be home to let you in and help you get your stuff. I’m going to see where Colby is and tell them right now. Hopefully, they don’t let anything slip.” I hear a door open in the background.

“Yeah, I would definitely kill them myself if they did. Anyway, I have to start driving. I’ll text you when I’m about halfway there and then call you when I get there. Keep me updated on your end please!” I start the car and plug in the address into my GPS app.

“Will do. Drive safe and talk to you later.” Sam hangs up the phone as I readjust everything. I turn on my road trip music and get ready to get breakfast.

Last night when I was talking to Colby, I was texting Sam. We finally settled on how I was going to surprise Colby. Sam is going to get Colby out of the house while Jake and Corey sneak me into the house. They’re going to also help get my stuff out of my car. While Sam and Colby are out, I’m going to get a quick tour of the house and change out of my gross road trip clothes so I can look like a decent human. The three of us are going to hang out downstairs. When they get home we’re going to call them into whatever room we’re hanging out in and boom, surprised boyfriend.

****

Jake and Corey help me set up the last few cameras so I can get Colby’s reaction. They also helped me hide my car. Not that Colby would notice, but I didn’t want to take any chances. They showed me around the house a bit, and honestly, I almost didn’t recognize it from when I was looking at the house with them months ago. Seeing the house in person feels so different than seeing it in videos and FaceTime chats with Colby. Being here makes it real. Sam texted us saying that they were around the corner. That’s when we turned on the camera. I brought lunch for everyone so the three of us are just eating in the kitchen and catching up.

My heart is racing. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous to see my own boyfriend. Maybe it’s because I have no idea how he’ll react. I’ve been kind of giving him the cold shoulder the past few days because I’ve been driving. We haven’t talked as much as we have been for the past four months while I was in Maine. I don’t why, but part of me feels like he’ll be a different person.

“We’re home!” I hear Sam call out from the front of the house. My heart immediately drops to my stomach from nerves. I tightly grip the counter that I’m sitting on to keep myself from falling off.

“We’re in the kitchen. We have lunch for you guys.” Jake responds. I stop breathing for a second.

“I’ll be there in a second. I have to go put my things down.” Colby calls out. I’m so glad that we hid my stuff. I had a feeling Colby would go to his room first. Maybe he’s still the same Colby I left here four months ago.

Sam walks into the kitchen while putting his phone away. He walks over to me and gives me a quick hug. We all wait, whispering, for Colby to join us in the kitchen. The nerves don’t leave my body as he takes longer to come back. Eventually, we hear his footsteps on the stairs.

“Sorry I was… Y/N?” Colby stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. He blinks a few times before a huge grin creeps on his face.

“Hi,” is all I can manage to squeak out. I managed to lose my voice at the sight of Colby.

“Y/N, is that really you? What are you doing here?” Colby starts walking towards me. I hop off the counter and meet his halfway.

“I’m home,” I whisper as I hug Colby, “I missed you so I came home.”

Colby hugs me back for a second before letting go and placing both hands on either side of my face. He looks deep into my eyes and I can’t help but start to cry. I haven’t seen Colby in so long, I can’t believe that I’m standing right in front of him. He kisses my forehead and engulfs me in a hug. I squeeze him tight like he’ll disappear if I let go. I’ve been gone for so long that I forgot what it felt like to hold Colby in my arms.

“I can’t believe you’re here right now. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Colbs. I missed you so fucking much it hurt. I finally feel whole again.” For the first time in months, Colby leans in and kisses me softly. Everything feels right in my world again now that I’m here. Even though I’ve been back in LA for at least 20 minutes, I didn’t feel like I was home until this very second: in Colby’s arms.

[aloisofmissouri]

A Journal Entry

July 20th, 2021

11:44pm

Trigger Warning:

 Sexual Assault, Self Harm,Mental Health, physical health, and occasional swears.

Dear Reader,

I’m only eighteen but I have experienced a lot, and so have many other teens I know. I know at least four of my classmates have been raped at some point in their life. And who knows what others may have been through and I never knew. 

But I’m not writing to share their story, unless they decide that they want their story told. As of now, I am writing to share my story. 

So, let's start with my earliest memory.

My earliest memory is watching Elmo and Little Bear from my crib in the living room when I was probably a toddler. I don’t remember much, other than enjoying the cartoons. It was happy and innocent. One of the few childhood memories I can look back on and smile. 

I was really young when I was first raped. First raped, you caught that part, right? Yeah, I wasn’t raped just once, but multiple times by one man. The man I had grown up calling my father. The man on my birth certificate. I’m not exactly how old I was when it started, but if I had to guess, I was probably in the first or  second grade when it went past the occasional groping and lewd comments. 

Near the end of third grade, my mother decided to take me and my sibling to live with our grandmother. But that didn’t last long.

We ended up moving back in with our mother and abusive father when I was in fifth grade. I didn’t want to but my father manipulated me into doing so. He threatened to place a restraining order on my grandmother when I wanted to stay with her. 

Things were miserable and the abuse continued. But luckily I was able to go back to my grandmother by sixth grade. But I still had to deal with what happened.

I believe my grandmother meant well, but she use to tell me not to let people know what had happened to me. She said that no one would want to be with someone who was raped because a lot of people view them as used or damaged goods basically. 

My grandmother was a bit emotionally damaging, though I know she more than likely didn’t know that she was being so. I have reason to believe that she has dementia and possibly a personality disorder. 

I remember her saying that I shouldn’t wear plaid or spotted clothing because it would make me look bigger than the broad side of a barn. She also told me to stay away from bright colors because they would have the same effect. I refused to stay away from plaid though, I kept that jacket from middle school until junior year when I could no longer zip it. But it took me a long time to wear bright colors, and it is still hard. I also have a hard time feeling comfortable in my own skin, and not just because of the occasional comment about my weight from my grandmother, but also because of the abuse I had dealt with from my father. I spent the majority of school always wearing jeans, jackets, and dark clothing. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing shorts. And I’m still getting used to wearing them. 

I had to go to court in middle school. Someone had apparently turned my father in for what he had done to me (I was living with my grandmother again by then) and we still do not know who reported them. I wish I could thank whoever turned him in. 

Sadly, they only gave him three years despite the evidence. And he was only going to have to serve one and a half years because of the amount of time spent in a jail cell waiting for court that kept getting rescheduled. He died of stage four lung cancer though before he was half way through his time.

My freshman year I finally realised I had anxiety and that there was something definitely wrong with me mentally. By my sophomore year, I was self harming and in counselling and diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety. By junior year I was on a lot of medication thanks to a pill happy psychiatrist. And I was miserable. But thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist who quickly helped me get cut down to just one pill. Near the end of junior year, I quit self harming. And I also finally started to get a bit of control over my mania and my depression.

I have a Google Doc somewhere that has over 150 pages of poetry, and the majority of it is about depression, trauma, and anger. And they were all written during middle school and highschool. Writing poetry helped me then. Now, I don’t really write poetry anymore. I have only written a handful of poems within the last year. And they were mostly in Shakespearean English because I thought it would be fun.

I believe I might have religious anxiety. I don’t remember the technical term though. I grew up going to Baptist Churches and had a heavy christian influence. But sadly, Christians aren’t quite as christian as they are supposed to be. 

Due to being constantly worried about sinning and about being too filthy and being damned to hell, my depression and anxiety got to me from a different angle. I kept breaking up with everyone I dated if I feared we were getting too close. I would either feel like I wasn’t good enough or I would fear that we would have sex and I would be damned. I also hated myself for my sexuality, though it took me a long time to figure that out. I supported my LGBTA+ friends but when it came to myself, I couldn’t accept myself. 

When I self harmed, I would do it because I felt filthy and had this urge to scratch my skin off my body because I never felt clean. I never hurt myself too severely, just scratches and shallow cuts on my wrist and my thigh. But I still found it hard to quit. It became far too easy to always turn to the blade, regardless of if I was feeling filthy or if I was dissociating or if I was having a panic attack. 

Despite what had happened to me, I’m finally starting to become me. Even though I am still discovering who I am. I quite self harming, I don’t have quite as many panic attacks or nightmares, I lost my virginity, learned I am demisexual (leaning a bit towards asexuality though) Panromantic and Nonbinary. I also discovered I have some other health issues outside of my mental health. I am apparently allergic to alphagall, peanuts, and wheat. Thankfully I just get slightly sick if I eat those things though, but it is still a bit annoying when those things are basically in everything you like to eat. 

I also found out that the reason my menstrual cycle has always been so irregular is because I have cysts. Originally I thought I had PCOS but now after some ultrasounds, it is looking like Endometriosis. I have cysts on my uterus and my ovaries. The doctor told me that my insurance should cover the surgery if I were to get a total hysterectomy. 

I never really wanted to give birth so that part of this doesn’t bother me, my fear is that there will be issues from the surgery. And it has also spurred some identity issues. But so far, I am sticking to they/them pronouns. Even though my family still calls me she/her. But I haven’t really come out to them. They know I’m not 100% straight, but who wants to sit down and explain to their grandmother (who dropped out of school in eight grade to care for her grandma, has a flip phone, and just a few years ago decided to accept the lgbt+ part of her family) that I’m nonbinary? I barely manage to explain to my mother (highschool dropout because of pregnancy, has a touch screen phone and understand some things of the current century) that there is more than just straight, gay, and bisexual. I explained to my mother the other day what omnigender and nonbinary is. Had to explain transgender to my mother when I was a junior and introduced her to a friend of mine who was afab but went by he/him pronouns. 

I suppose that despite all the shit I’ve been through, at least my mother doesn’t give two flying fucks who I like. When I told her that I thought I was pansexual in middle school, all she did was ask me what that meant. Then she just nodded her head and went with it. Same thing when I decided I was Wiccan in middle school. She even bought me a pentacle necklace and every book (mostly fantasy) that mentioned witches. I no longer identify as Wiccan, I mostly just stick to animist. But my point being, my mother didn’t throw a fit when two of her nine kids came out as gay. Even if she does identify as a Saturday Adventist, she supports us. She even listens to me ramble about mistranslated things in the Bible and my views on theology. And my rants about Supernatural. Though she did laugh when I spent about an hour crying after the Supernatural second to last episode of season 15. She did listen to me rant about Castiel and the plot lines and everything. Though I had to keep explaining some of the characters to her. 

Despite the things I’ve been through, I managed to graduate high school, survive my severe depression and anxiety, and now I am thinking about possibly applying for Law school and going to college. And I now also have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want. Though I still feel all nervous about asking out a girl I’ve been friends with for about three or more years. I’ve now made the excuse to wait and see if she mentions not being completely straight. Oh, and she now has a boyfriend too so yeah, gonna have to wait a bit.

Until next time,

Alois 🐧

[papergirllife]

Strings.

Yuta

Part 2

Warnings: toxic relationship, detailed smut, mental health issues,angst.

The next day, you left before he woke up.

You decided to see a doctor about your recent eating disorders and depression, who's a friend since middle school.

" You do know that if this goes on your physical and mental health would drop significantly right? "

" Yes. "

" Then why are you still seeing him? "

You didn't feel like answering a question that solves itself.

" You're even more stubborn than the people who come in and say that they want to quit smoking. "

She took off her glasses and let out a sigh.

" You've never wanted to date after that he'll in high school. What changed your mind? "

" Technically we're not dating. "

" I wish you were, or else we would've been hitting the shops now. "

You laughed at her joke quietly, not really having a sense of humour at times like these.

" Y/N, you're not sick. You're not crazy either. And you wouldn't have had an eating disorder of it weren't for him. So the only prescription I can give you is stop seeing him. Look at you, you used to not have a care in the world and how people see you. He robbed your happiness, your confidence, your heart. How much more can you afford to give him before you're broke? "

After she finished talking, you could feel hot tears streaming down your face. She was right, Yuta was nothing but bad in my life.

In the end of the session, she made you block Yuta's number on your phone before leaving.

Every step you took that day felt as if your heart was a 10 tonne ball chained behind you, dragging you down.

You decided to take two days off from work as advised from your friend to recover and practice self love at home, whatever that means.

You went to take a nap, closing your eyes, wishing for everything to end.

You were woken up, to your dismay by your house phone.

You picked up the phone from its receiver, thinking it was just your boss calling in to check up on you on your ' sick day ' .

" Y/N ? Are you okay? I called your mobile, but you turned it off, then I called your office line and your colleague said that you were sick. "

You swallowed down a sob before answering him.

" I just needed a day off today. No big deal. "

" That's reassuring. Hey listen, I really miss you, you left so quickly. I wanted to wake you up with some bomb ass head this morning. How about you come over tonight? I'll order pizza. "

" Sure. I'll see you tonight. Bye. "

" Bye. "

You slid down the wall. Of all the communication methods you forgot was your house phone.

But you couldn't say no to him, not when his voice sounds like it's lathered in honey.

You put your head on your knees that are against your stomach, tears soaking your sweats.

How can you leave him just like that when he shows you a world of wonder every other night?

You wish there was just a switch in your head to make you emotionless, then you wouldn't have to go through the amount of pain you put yourself through.

After showering, you applied a good amount of concealer at your eye bags to make them appear less puffy.

You never used concealer to cover up pimples, as most your friends used it for. It was always for hiding the pain shown below your eyes.

When you rang Yuta's door, he opened it with one of those mischievous smiles he likes to give you at scenarios like these.

You returned a simple one half heartedly, too tired for it to reach your smiles. The only reason that you could still afford to give him a smile was solely because he was Yuta.

" Aww, still feeling sick? "

" I'm lots better. "

Good. He didn't notice anything wrong about you, he's always been the oblivious type.

He pulled you into his apartment, arms all around you. You notice the way his biceps flexed as he manoeuvred you into his home, someone's been working out more.

When he kissed you, all those bad thoughts in your head disappeared, your friend's warnings thrown out of the window.

The way he holds you, gives you a sense of mental stability that you don't usually have, even if it's just for a while.

He hastily unbuttoned the buttons of your blouse and the clasp of your bra, your clothes falling on his floor with a light thud.

As he laid you on his bed, he took a nipple into his mouth, wetting the tip and engulfing it into his warm mouth, the tempreteral change and movements sent electric shocks through your spine.

While his mouth was busy, his hands worked on taking off your jeans, quickly taking one of your cheeks into his awaiting hands.

His lips chased yours fervently, wanting to have a taste of his sweet addiction.

You hastily took off his sweater, revealing his defined abs, running your hands all over his toned stomach, Yuta letting out tiny grunts at your actions.

You did your hands to his pants and pulled them down, along with his boxers. His cock hits his stomach with a light smack.

" Someone's impatient. "

Yuta slips a finger underneath your folds, moving your panties to the side.

" I'll fuck you with your panties in your mouth tonight, I got a noise complaint this morning for your screaming from last night. "

Yuta slipped two more fingers in, quickening the pace of his fingers inside of you.

" Fuck... Yuta I'm going to cum. " Yuta curled his fingers upwards, giving your high a final push.

" Cum for me then. "

You came on his fingers and your panties, Yuta gave your ass a light also and took off your panties, and as he promised stuffed them in your mouth.

Yuta took a tie from his night stand to tie your hands together. He positioned you with your ass up in the air and head on the pillow.

Yuta spread open your cheeks and fully slipped into your pussy, a squelching sound could be heard when he was fully seahthed in.

He gave no warning and started thrusting into you harshly, just like how you love it. His hands are on your hips, digging into your flesh, there's definitely going to have marks tomorrow.

Yuta's neighbors will certainly file another complaint tomorrow, with the way he's hitting into you. The bed's been knocking against the wall for 10 minutes straight now.

The walls of the room is filled with pure sin. The way the room smells of sex, the beautiful sound of skin slapping against skin. Everything in this moment is euphoria to you.

As Yuta quickens his pace, the coil in your stomach grows, signalling your on coming orgasm.

Yuta knows you're near. The way you clench around him so tightly, your walls engulfing him, erasing all his other senses. The only thing he could feel now was the way you felt around him.

Yuta gave one hard thrust and you lost it, the way your orgasm just crashes onto the both of you, made Yuta's toes curl. You would've screamed if it wasn't for the panties Yuta made you gag on.

Not long after, you could feel Yuta's warm semen covering your velvety walls in white. You used all your remaining strength to help him ride out his high, some of his cum dripping down your soft thighs.

As you laid down properly to sleep, Yuta cleaned you up. His soft movements lulling you to sleep.

When you woke up, the whole place was pitch black. The only light that was available was the clock, reading 3.09 a.m., 14 February.

You didn't know whether it was because of the date or was it just 3 a.m. feels, but you started having another one of your frequent mental breakdowns.

You quickly dashed into Yuta's bathroom and sat in his bathtub.

Yet another Valentine's comes and goes, and you still don't know if you should stick around with Yuta for another year at this rate.

You just wished that he'll change his perspective of you, to see you as someone more, someone he'll keep in his heart.

But life is cruel to you in ways you don't know to how describe. The only question that you keep asking is ' why me ? ' .

You didn't know how long you sat there, you just zoned out and didn't bother getting out, letting your feelings drown you until you're numb from all the pain.

Suddenly Yuta burst in the bathroom, eyes quickly scanning to see if you were okay.

" Thank god I found you. I've been looking everywhere for you. Your clothes were all still on the floor, so I knew you couldn't have went back. But why are you sitting in the tub? You'll catch a cold. "

Yuta scooped you into his arms, wanting to carry you back to bed. That's when all hell let loose.

" Stop it! Stop! Put me down! "

Yuta thinking he hurt you somewhere, gently placed you on the ground.

" Are you okay? "

" I've had enough! I'm so tired of being your beck and call Nakamoto Yuta. We should've never had started this. When I agreed to this, I didn't agree to you playing with my feelings with those sweet words of yours that actually mean nothing! I'm sick of you and whatever we have! "

You let your tired body fall against the wall and slide down, arms wrapping around yourself.

You could feel Yuta's hands moving to wrap around you.

" No, Yuta. I'm serious I can't do this anymore...

You stopped speaking when you heard sobs coming from Yuta. You lift up your head to see him crying as well.

" I'm sorry I put you through so much pain. I swear I never meant for this to happen. But I just want to tell you that all those sweet lies you think I've been feeding you, are my real feelings. I was a coward for not being able to accept a new relationship. I thought that way I will never get hurt again. But god that plan backfired quickly, I thought if I never told you the way I felt it will be the right thing to do, so that I'll never hurt you. But I still did. "

" Yuta are you trying to say that...

" I love you. Since the third month we were together. You brought so much light into my dark after my ex. You gave me so much love and joy. I love you so much. "

" I love you too. "

Yuta could see the sincerity of your words through your beautiful eyes, the ones that lit up his darkest nights. But he also noticed the ruined concealer.

" Y/N. Why are your eyes so puffy? Have you cried before this? "

You nodded, ashamed to look him in the eyes.

" I haven't been feeling myself lately. "

" I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I'll help you pick up the pieces together, step by step. "

" What if you get cut by one of the pieces? "

" Then there's always bandages, so don't worry about me. I'm a tough guy. I'm going to make it up to you with all of our days together. "

Suddenly, you let out a sneeze. Making Yuta worried all over again, quickly carrying you back to bed to cover you with warm blankets and cuddles from him.

" Happy Valentine's Day, Y/N. "

" Happy Valentine's Day to you too, my first valentine. "

[violetsmoak]

Tabula Rasa [7/?]

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20183281/chapters/49466486

Blanket Disclaimer:

Summary: Tim and Jason have known they are soulmates for years, though neither has said anything about it. Tim thinks Jason doesn’t know and is just trying to live with it. Jason thinks Tim knows but doesn’t care, which is fine with him, he thinks the soulmate thing is a crock anyway. But one night, a minor mishap forces them to confront the issue head-on, leading to a series of events no one could have predicted.

Rating: PG-13 (Rating may change later)

JayTimBingo Prompts This Chapter: #soulmate aversion #secret identity 

First Chapter

Author’s Note(s): In which as time passes, Jay's not having an easy time coping with all this soulmate stuff, and Tim's still trying to figure everything out. And Alfred is his usual awesome self.

________________________________________________________________

“Forget almost being assassinated, how did he not die just from tripping over something in the dark, or eating expired food?” Jason asks as he looks around the disaster zone that is Tim Drake’s apartment. There are takeout containers and empty coffee cups covering every surface, and clothing soiled with dirt and blood and what looks like sewer sludge strewn across the floor. Packaging and bubble wrap twist around the legs of tables and extension cables create startlingly effective tripwire traps. “Can’t you people afford a maid service?”

“Surely even you aren’t so thick that you don’t understand why that would be a bad idea,” Damian points out as he walks in behind him, carrying several large boxes from the local hardware depot. As he deposits them, he surveys the apartment with something more like horror than disgust. “This is the residence of the man my grandfather considers his equal?”

“He’s not usually this bad,” Dick says with a sigh as he closes the door behind him with one hand and deposits his own burden of packages. His eyes rove across the open concept living area with a worried expression. “I was here like three weeks ago and it was spotless. I mean, his room was a disaster zone, but that’s just Tim. Messy genius, you know?”

“If this is how he lives, perhaps the social workers are correct that he needs a more qualified minder.”

Dick ignores that. “I don’t get it. It’s like he just gave up. What the hell happened?”

Jason remains quiet; he has a nasty suspicion he knows exactly what made Tim stop caring.

Whatever, I’m making up for it now, aren’t I? In fucking spades…

He’s been avoiding Tim’s apartment for weeks now, stubbornly squatting in different buildings every night or shelling out for a motel when he wants an actual bed or shower. But the last few days he found several itching bites on his skin, and hell no. He swore when Bruce took him in, he was done with bedbugs and lice and any other critter that can be found in questionably cleaned bedding.

As luck would have it, Dick was on his way over here with Damian to install handicap bars in Tim’s bathroom and check the place over for any other chores or tasks that needed doing.

“I still don’t see the point of that,” Jason says, nodding at the boxes of tools and components. “In what universe do you see B letting Tim leave the manor any time in the next year or so? Even when he gets his memories back.”

“It’s a compliance thing,” Dick informs him. “Now that Tim’s making actual strides in recovery, social services will be coming at some point to check that everything is set up for his rehabilitation if he chooses to come here. If it’s not done, it won’t look good.”

“That chick’s still pushing this?”

“Oh yeah. She keeps coming up with new requirements she insists be filled. Independent psych evaluations, bi-monthly physicals performed by state doctors—she even wants him to attend mandatory rehabilitation at some government facility in Blüdhaven.”

“What? Why there?”

“Aside from the fact Gotham’s mental health infrastructure is riddled with the criminally insane?”

“Fair…”

“Babs looked into her and it looks like Bruce had the right idea. Gillian Sato’s a nobody. Completely average in everything, trying to make a name in her department by going after a big fish. And you know that Bruce has been CPS’ great white whale since he took me in. You too.”

“I remember,” Jason says with a scowl.

It was shortly after he was taken in by Bruce. He had just started as Robin, was beginning to see Bruce and Alfred as family and the manor as home. And then some do-gooder social worker with the ‘best intentions’ and a dislike of Brucie Wayne exploited a technicality that let her remove Jason from the Wayne household. The next weeks and months dragged Jason through such an emotional wringer that his already abundant trust issues increased by orders of magnitude. Even before he and Bruce started to butt heads later, Jason would never truly be at ease in the manor ever again.

Or anywhere, really.

People let you down. People left. People could be taken away from you. These were the facts of life, and Jason vowed never to forget them again.

It’s yet another reason he’s so resistant to the idea of soulmates. Having one just makes it easier to be let down or to have them taken away. Hell, he’s seen that firsthand, hasn’t he? A simple errant bullet and he almost had to watch his die. He can’t even imagine what this whole ordeal would feel like if he was close to Tim.

Lost in his thoughts, it takes him a moment to realize Dick is still talking.

“…her higher-ups barely know anything about her. Most of them are willing to let this thing with Tim go, but she’s the one who keeps pushing it. Poking for loopholes whenever she hits a new roadblock.”

“So have Barbie make her go away,” Jason suggests.

“And give support to the idea Bruce Wayne is above the law because of his money?” Dick challenges. “That would put a lot more attention on the issue than anyone wants. For now, we just play it the legal way. Once Tim’s eighteen, she’ll have lost a major avenue to exploit.”

“Which means you guys have to put up with her trying to wrap you in red tape for the next four months at least.”

“This is ridiculous,” Damian mutters.

“I know.”

“Not that—although yes, this farce of legal compliance is a waste of everyone’s time. But I’m talking about how no one has done anything about Drake’s condition other than wring their hands.”

“Excuse me?!”

“If we’re ever going to go on with our lives, he must be fixed, and faster than some useless stretching is going to do.”

“Kid, how exactly do you think your dad got back to fighting condition after Bane broke his back?” Jason questions. “‘Useless stretching’ was a big part of it.”

“And a hell of a lot of drive,” Dick adds. “Which Tim doesn’t really have enough of right now. I mean, I know he wants to get better, but it’s not the same as if he knew who he was.”

“Exactly. He would already be walking, I’m sure,” Damian nods. “Then you’re in agreement with me.”

“Well, yeah—wait. What am I agreeing with?” Dick asks, suspicious.

“Through my observations of the situation, I have determined that Drake is unlikely to ever regain full functionality or his memory. The easiest way to fix this would be a Lazarus Pit. I happen to know of one in Cuba.”

“Holy no Batman!” Dick cries. “Did you forget what happened when I tried doing that for Bruce?”

“It would be different in this case, since we know for sure that it’s Drake and not a decoy,” Damian argues. “At least, the body bit. And Todd recovered from brain damage thanks to the Pit.” He considers Jason. “Well. More or less. I did not know you before, therefore I have no basis of comparison.”

“And you also missed the murderous rampage that happened afterward,” Jason growls. “Not being able to control yourself sucks. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

Even Tim.

Especially not Tim.

“If anyone possesses the ability to fight off the effects of the Lazarus Pit, it’s Drake,” Damian insists. “He does not have the same latent anger or violent tendencies as Todd’s files say he had.”

“Hey, stay the hell out of my business!”

“Tim might not be as violent as Jason is or was—”

“Screw you, Dickhead.”

“—but he definitely has the capacity for anger. And as it is, he suffers from severe depression,” Dick informs them soberly. “To the point where he’s considered suicide at least once in the past.”

Damian and Jason’s eyes snap to his face.

“What?” Jason demands.

“That was not in his file.”

“Because he didn’t want it there,” Dick tells them, weary. “In case someone tried to use it against him.”

“Don’t you think that’s kind of fucking important to people know about?” Jason demands. “Especially if they have to go out in the field with him?”

He’s having a sudden flashback to the night when everything came out into the open, when he swooped in to save Tim from a fall that he should have been able to divert himself.

Shit. What if that wasn’t an accident like I thought?

“We all have things in our history we don’t want in the files,” Dick reminds them, his face becoming hard for a moment as if he’s remembering something. Then he shakes it off. “Tim’s been dealing with it. He’s on medication, he reaches out when it gets bad…but it’s an ongoing process. I don’t need to tell you guys that.”

“If he didn’t want anyone knowing, he’s going to be pissed you tattled.”

“I’m only speaking up so Damian understands what a bad idea it would be to put Tim in a Lazarus Pit. Depression on top of Pit madness? I don’t want to even think about what he might do.”

Not to mention bringing him anywhere near where Ra’s might pop up is asking for trouble, especially since he can’t fight him off right now.

“So, you are insisting on this waiting nonsense,” Damian concludes, looking frustrated.

“It’s all we can do for now, Little D.”

The kid’s expression remains stormy.

⁂

Damian strides into Tim’s bedroom one morning, wearing a determined expression and followed by his gigantic dog, Titus.

Tim feels a little wary, not so much because of the intimidating canine, but because his younger brother rarely comes near him voluntarily.

“I have read in numerous medical journals the benefits of animal companions in increasing the likelihood of recovery from traumatic brain injuries,” he announces. “Since Father is adamant, we are not getting another dog, I have decided to allow you to spend time with Titus while I am engaged in my studies. I am confident it will contribute to improvement in your condition.” He gestures at the dog. “Titus, stay with Drake. I shall collect you later.”

Then he nods to himself, as if concluding business, and leaves the room.

Tim stares after him, utterly bewildered at the turn of events. Titus watches the boy go, whines for a moment, and then looks over his shoulder at Tim, head cocked to one side as if wondering what that was all about.

All he can do is shrug, which he feels ridiculous about a moment later because Titus is a dog and has a limited understanding (even if Damian speaks to him as if he’s a human being). Still, a beat later, the dog wanders over to Tim’s bed, and rests his head upon the mattress, gazing up at Tim with curious eyes, his tail wagging somewhat.

Slowly, Tim reaches out with his right hand and places it on the dog’s head, causing the tail-wagging to speed up, and scratches him behind the ears.

Titus thus becomes a semi-permanent element of Tim’s recovery process. Damian comes by every morning to drop the dog off as if he’s a parent leaving a child at daycare or school and leaves for several hours. Titus then goes to Tim for obligatory head-pats and only lets up when it becomes clear Tim’s energy is flagging. Even then, he doesn’t go anywhere, simply curling up beside Tim’s bed. When Damian returns, he pokes his head in, nods again, and gestures for the dog to depart with him.

The whole situation is bizarre, but Tim thinks it’s the way Damian expresses worry.

Having Titus around has the added benefit of intimidating Gillian Sato whenever she comes for one of her ‘visits’. Jay can’t always make it there before she does, and she somehow manages to insist on meeting with Tim privately to avoid bias (which he doesn’t understand). Those visits when Jay isn’t present are as short as possible to comply with her wishes, but they’re long enough that Tim is always exhausted and confused at their end. With Titus there, he’s at least a bit more comfortable; the dog appears to sense when his anxiety is climbing or when Ms. Sato says something that makes him uncomfortable.

“It’s rather concerning, Timothy,” she tells him in a voice meant to be kind. “Considering all the resources Mr. Wayne has at his disposal, that he insists you recover here. Instead of in a facility specifically created to rehabilitate TBI patients. It’s almost as if he’s trying to keep you here under his watchful eye.” She leans forward, expression worrying. “You want to get better as soon as possible, don’t you?”

Before Tim can try to parse out exactly what she’s asking him (because he knows somehow the words don’t match her intention), Titus hackles raise, and he begins to growl.

Almost that same instant, Alfred will sweep in and declare that Tim is quite tired today, perhaps they can continue this interview some other time?

Tim wonders if he isn’t standing at the door eavesdropping, even though somehow, he can’t reconcile that image in his head.

Depending on the time of day that Ms. Sato arranges her ‘visit’, the family member that sits with him changes. He much prefers when it’s Jay—he’s the only one whose presence helps Tim calm down quickly after such an interview—but he’s learning to appreciate and trust everyone else in his family.

He’s come a long way since waking up in the hospital and seeing nothing but a bunch of strangers.

Bruce continues to make efforts to spend time with Tim when he wakes up in the mornings. In addition to the sudoku and crossword puzzles, which Tim has started trying to do himself in his spare time, Bruce has started playing other games with him. First Go Fish, and later Memory.

They were games suggested by Dr. Thrussell to help with Tim’s mental rehabilitation, but it turns out playing with Bruce is fun. His expression is awfully serious for what Tim knows are simple children’s games, but he always becomes exceedingly pleased when Tim makes a correct guess.

Dick, who Tim has learned from Alfred is a police officer, is not always around due to his work shifts being somewhat irregular, but when he is, he goes out of his way to help Tim with whatever he might need. It’s both touching and overwhelming; Tim likes Dick, but he feels the same amount of mental exhaustion when he leaves as he does when Ms. Sato does.

How does one person have that much energy?

His favorites besides Jay, are Cassandra and Stephanie.

Steph is nice, as well. She’s affectionate with him, has a good sense of humor, and unlike everyone else who seems wary about touching Tim beyond helping him groom himself or for physio, she’s very tactile.

And she smells nice.

He feels a level of comfort with her that is like when he’s with Jay, which he supposes is because they used to date before she and Cass discovered they were soulmates. Perhaps it’s why he doesn’t question her presence in his life the way he still does sometimes with Bruce or Dick or Damian.

And then there’s Cassandra, who’s just…amazing.

Because she’s like him, somehow.

There’s intelligence in her eyes, but she has trouble getting the words out just like he does. When she sees him struggling with his brain to mouth disconnect, she looks empathetic and he knows it’s not pity or guilt.

The latter is a look he’s started to recognize in Jay, and he doesn’t like it.

He wonders if whatever makes him look like that is the reason he doesn’t get along with the rest of the family. He wishes he could ask, though he suspects even if he could, he wouldn’t get a straight answer.

He’s not sure if that’s normal for this family, or if it’s just another attempt to keep from upsetting Tim. Ever since he started to improve, everyone seems to be wanting to keep him occupied and entertained. Sometimes it’s fun—like today, with Steph egging him on while playing Candy Crush—and other times, it’s just…

Exhausting.

His convalescence aside, Tim has noticed there are times when he feels exhausted and strained for reasons other than his injury. He doesn’t know where those feelings come from, just that he dislikes them.

⁂

One evening, a little over three months following the shooting, Jason shuffles into the manor and wonders how this became routine for him.

It should worry him; how easy it’s been to slip back into the habit of being greeted by Alfred. Into toeing off his boots in the entrance closest and loitering in the kitchen to see if there’s anything left over from lunch or dinner.

It’s deceptively simple to fall into the mental trap of calling this place home again, which is why he never lets himself stay longer than a few hours. Even when Alfred keeps offering to make up a guest room or tries to tempt him with homemade scones for breakfast the next morning.

(He can’t go near his old room, the mausoleum to shattered dreams and stolen childhood.)

Jason’s usual arguments against that are quieter right now, his mind on what Damian said the other day: that no one is trying to help Tim.

In the strictest sense, the sentiment is bullshit; everyone in the Family has been bending over backward trying to make his rehabilitation priority, to protect him from two-faced social workers and asshole paparazzi looking for a story. But there’s been no headway on the shooting, and he wonders if anyone else but him is still looking into it.

Which is stupid, because he knows for a fact that Bruce is a dog with a bone and won’t let any case go, let alone one where his kid got hurt.

So why hasn’t he found anything yet?

He knows from experience, both as Robin and Red Hood, that some cases take longer than others. Bruce spent an entire year investigating the Holiday killings before Jason got involved, and during their years together there were several ongoing cases that dragged for weeks and months before a break could be made.

There are some that remain unsolved to this day.

But this is Tim, you’d think he’d be more motivated. Unless…

Unless he has found something and just doesn’t want to share it because he thinks Jason’s going to go on a vengeful, murderous rampage.

He clenches his fists.

It wouldn’t be the first time that Bruce kept something from him or anyone else if he’s on a case he’s decided is his. He even keeps Dick out of the loop on stuff like that, and he’s the golden child.

Jason’s probably just being paranoid.

Except…

Except he learned paranoia from the best, and that paranoia isn’t always just paranoia, and if Bruce thinks he’ll react badly to something, of course he’s going to keep it from him. Which means they’re going to have a problem because this case isn’t going to get solved if they can’t share important information.

Instead of heading toward Tim’s bedroom, Jason changes course and makes a beeline for the Cave entrance in the study.

He reaches the bottom of the staircase just in time to see Nightwing and Robin peel out of the garage on two bikes. A cowl-free Batman is hunched over the computer, looking up something on the main screen, while the ones off to the sideshow various CCTV feeds from the Narrows, Tricorner and Burnley.

He catches flashes of Black Bat and Signal in the latter two, and scowls.

“I should be out there.”

“That’s not your concern right now,” Bruce replies without even turning around. “You should be upstairs with Tim.”

There’s a derisive snort at that, and Jason glances over to see Blondie balanced on her own bike, adjusting her hair beneath her cowl.

“Problem, Bat-chick?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t sound like nothin’.”

“Just seems like certain people are easier to forgive than others.”

“Stephanie,” Bruce warns, still not looking at either of them.

“No, it’s fine,” she replies. “Let’s keep tiptoeing around the giant pink elephant in the room. And by giant pink elephant, I mean crime lord.”

“That what you’re goin’ with?” Jason challenges. “You’ve been stewin’ on that for three months, and you’re gonna give me grief over bullshit that’s over and done with?”

“Clearly it’s not over and done with.”

“If you’ve got a problem with me, strap on the steel tits and own up to what it’s really about.”

“Okay, fine!” Blondie hops off the bike to march forward, stopping a good foot away from him and shoving a finger at him. “You might be his soulmate, but don’t think that gets you off for all the crap you’ve pulled. Especially since you’ve known this whole time.”

“What I know or knew is none of your business. But if you really want to have a competition about who hurt him most, my name ain’t the only one on the list.”

“Are you seriously trying to pull the ‘everyone else did it too so it’s okay’ defense?”

“No, I’m telling you to be careful in that fragile fucking glass house of yours.”

“Speaking of houses, how long are you going to keep playing house with Tim before you break his heart again? Are you going to do it right when he gets his memories back, or wait a few days for him to adjust and then drop him?”

“You think I’d be that big an asshole?”

“I know you’re that big an asshole. And so did Tim,” she shoots back, merciless. “He told me you were dead.”

“I was dead.”

“And then you weren’t. And he still always told that to anyone who asked. He knew whatever this is with you, it was never going to happen, but it also wasn’t going away. So, he was trying to move on. And if he’s smart—which we all know Tim is, memories or not—he’ll stick to that gut feeling. Because the longer he’s involved with you, the more hurt he’s going to be when you inevitably break his heart. If you were any kind of decent, you’d get the hell out of his life before he finishes imprinting on you like a baby chick.”

“That’s enough,” Bruce says, and this time he does turn around. “Stephanie, patrol.”

“I’m going,” she replies. “But not because you told me to.”

She stalks toward her bike, and after a few angry revs of the engine, speeds off out of the cave.

Bruce is still looking in Jason’s direction; he can feel the frown. “Provoking her isn’t helpful to anyone, least of all Tim.”

“What argument were you watching?” Jason shoots back. “If anyone’s provoking anyone else, it’s her. And I’m telling you now, B, if she wants a fight, I’ll give it to her. I’m putting up with enough crap because of this soulmate thing, I didn’t sign on to let Timbo’s pissed off ex-girlfriend take shots at me.”

“The lack of evidence in this case is frustrating everyone.”

Jason gives him a disbelieving look—there’s no way that Bruce can be so emotionally stunted that he can’t figure out what Blondie’s little tiff was all about.

Then again…yes, he is.

Rather than stew over Blondie’s accusations (and the fact that she’s got more of a point than he’d like), Jason decides to focus on what Bruce actually said.

“So you haven’t found anything on your end, either?”

He leans against the giant computer, keeping a conspicuous distance between him and Bruce, and trying not to feel awkward and naked without his helmet on. He doesn’t actually remember the last time he was down here and not in uniform.

“No.”

“Really. Nothing? Not a single goddamn clue? This is all just some random person that decided to take the kid out?”

“It’s not the first time someone has attempted to assassinate Tim.”

“Yeah, but I heard about that, it was all planned for. This wasn’t.”

“Hence the continued investigation.”

“Yeah, well, there’s no way you’ve been on the case this long and haven’t found something.”

Bruce is quiet for a moment and then nods. “Based on the lack of available evidence, whoever did this was a professional. Elite even.”

“No shit. We knew that from Day One.”

“I’ve since narrowed down a list of suspects from around the world, who have the capability of pulling this off.”

“And?”

“And they’re all either accounted for or dead.”

“So why do you look more constipated about this than usual? You’ve had harder cases with less evidence.”

“Almost all of these snipers were trained by David Cain.”

The name makes Jason tense. “He’s dead.”

“Yes. But before he died, he mentioned something to me. That there were others.”

“Others like Cass, you mean.”

“Hn.”

Jason grits his teeth. “So, your theory is some designer assassin Child o’ Cain decided to come to Gotham just to shoot Tim?”

“It’s not a theory. Just a possible connection. There’s too little evidence to support it.”

“Then what the hell are you spending the time on it for?” Jason demands. “If we’re going for wild conspiracy theories, why not an alternate universe or time travel? It’s just as easy to speculate someone came back in time to assassinate Tim or put him out of commission for whatever reason.”

“I won’t discount those theories either,” Bruce allows, because of course. “But in either situation, anyone coming here for Tim specifically would likely be enhanced to survive whatever means brought them here.”

“Or it’s one of us.”

Bruce doesn’t meet his gaze, but there’s a subtle tensing of his shoulder muscles.

“I saw that,” Jason points out quietly. Bruce says nothing. “You think it would be me, don’t you?”

“I never said that.”

“If it were one of us, I’m the best marksman, so if it were anyone of ours to come back and put a bullet in his head, it’d be me.”

Bruce stands then, agitated. “You’re jumping to conclusions and letting your feelings cloud your judgment. This is only one of many theories, not even the one that’s most likely—”

“Except we both know that ain’t the case!” Jason snarls. “You know as well as I do, I’m probably the reason he got shot in the first place!”

“Jason—”

“I did this, B! I was in the middle of a pissing contest with some asshole moving in on my turf and Tim got caught in the crossfire. I might as well have pulled the trigger myself!”

“You did not cause Tim to be shot,” Bruce snaps.

“That’s not what you thought when it happened,” Jason reminds him bitterly.

“And I’ve since revised my opinion. I don’t believe this to be related to the contract that was put out on Red Hood.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s a totally glowing recommendation!”

“Whoever is after you obviously isn’t aware of your civilian identity, or they would still be pursuing you,” Bruce replies. “Going underground would only keep you safe for so long, and it’s been months. Whoever is targeting you may have been watching Red Hood, but they weren’t watching you. Therefore, the likelihood of Tim’s shooting having anything to do with your activities is low.”

“Seriously? That’s your explanation?”

“Jason,” Bruce sighs, and he’s pinching the bridge of his nose in a familiar gesture of exhaustion. “I’m trying to tell you I don’t think you’re responsible for this. Why are you fighting me on it?”

“Because nothing is ever that easy with you! And you’re usually the one driving the ‘Jason messes everything up’ bandwagon. Don’t tell me that’s changed all because I happen to be the kid’s soulmate.”

“That has nothing to do with it. I’ve already explained my reasoning, and it’s enough for me at the moment.” He fixes Jason with a calculating look that he doesn’t like. “The question is, why are you so determined to make it your fault?”

Jason opens his mouth to respond, but the words get stuck in his throat as he realizes he has no idea how to answer that.

Bruce continues. “Your behavior is inconsistent.”

“Hell, yes, it’s inconsistent! It’s been months and I still have no fucking idea how I’m supposed to deal with all of this!”

“Perhaps you should take some time,” the older man replies, turning his attention back to the computer. “Away from here.”

Jason narrows his eyes. “Away from Tim, you mean.”

“He’s at the point where he is no longer uncomfortable with the rest of us, and you did make it clear that you only intended to stay by his side until his condition improved. I’m sure with some explanation you could take some time. It might help.”

“You just…that’s not even…”

Jason falters, not sure how to respond, because really, this is his get-out-of-jail-free card. He did say he was only going to stick around until Tim was doing better, and the kid is doing better. He can get back to his search for the dick that got him to go to ground, can get back to living his life the way he wants it and not based around a convalescent’s schedule.

But the idea of it just now, makes him feel queasy, like he’s running a dirty deal.

And on top of that, it bothers him that while Bruce is certain he’s not responsible for Tim’s injury, he still obviously has an issue with the fact they’re soulmates.

It shouldn’t bother him.

It absolutely should not bother him.

And yet.

“You’re a fucking piece of work, you know that?” he snaps, and heads right back up the stairs, mind racing and unable to settle on a single conflicted thought.

Upon reaching the study he finds Alfred on his way in, a tray of tea and sandwiches in hand. The older man takes one look at him and purses his lips, and puts down his burden.

“From your expression, I suspect Master Bruce will be sulking too much the rest of the evening to be interested in dinner.”

“Like I care,” Jason grunts, slamming the false front of the clock entrance closed.

“Were that the case, you would not be damaging the furniture.”

Jason scowls, though it’s somewhat tempered when Alfred offers him the sandwiches he was obviously about to bring down to Bruce.

He takes a petty satisfaction in polishing off every bit of food and tea while Alfred pretends to busy himself with tidying the already pristine study. Although he’s clearly remaining nearby should Jason need him, he doesn’t try to force a conversation.

How does he always know…?

Jason surprises himself when he’s the one to break the silence. “Why the hell does this soulmate shit have to be so complicated? Everyone else just gets it, and I just want to jump out of my fucking skin because it’s making me crazy.”

For once, Alfred doesn’t comment on his language.

“As I understand it, you have never had another person with whom you could confide about this before. You had not manifested your mark when you first came to us, and Master Bruce does tend to avoid matters of the heart and soul except when necessity requires it.”

Jason grumbles, “No kidding.”

It’s not just now, either.

Years back, Bruce got through the sex talk with his usual emotionless, detached aplomb, but didn’t bother with any of the other stuff. Jason would have thought the guy had no heart at all, except he saw how invested he got with the women in his life that mattered.

“And I would imagine discussing it with Mr. Harper and Ms. Anders has not helped, given the substantial difference in circumstances.”

“You got that right…”

“Then perhaps I might offer my own understandings if only to provide another perspective.”

Jason shrugs. “Why not? It’s not like anyone else cares, other than to look like I kicked a puppy whenever I’m in the room with Tim.”

“It has always been my belief that one’s soulmate is the person who will have the most impact on one’s life.”

“So why isn’t mine the Joker?” Jason shoots back spitefully.

“As if that creature ever had a soul,” Alfred scoffs.

“I’m just sayin’, your logic’s flawed.”

“And if you think a homicidal clown gets to claim to be the biggest impact on your life, I wash my hands of you. Do you realize you are scarcely 21 years old? You have an awful lot of life ahead of you to have that one moment, traumatic as it was, to define all of it. Perhaps in those first few months or years following the incident, yes. But you have a future, Master Jason. Soulmates are not just for the moment, but for the breadth of your lifespan. And however much strangeness we see on a regular basis in this world of ours, none of us have the ability to discern the future.”

“Except maybe Duke.”

“Except perhaps Master Duke,” Alfred allows, his mouth twitching somewhat. “But even that only comes in flashes. He cannot know it all. And neither can you.”

“Is that your convoluted way of telling me ‘chin up’?”

“That is my convoluted way of telling you that you are not the only person to find the matter of soulmates difficult to navigate. And no one—not even Master Bruce—is expecting you to figure it all out right away.”

Jason snorts. “You sure about that?”

Alfred simply raises an eyebrow as if insulted by his pearls of wisdom being questioned, and Jason raises his hands in surrender.

Never question Alfred. He knows everything.

Still, he suspects that Bruce will be getting a rather pointed talking-to in the near future. It makes him feel marginally better about the whole thing.

“Now,” the older man continues in a businesslike tone, “Timothy is in the family room this afternoon. However, I would understand if you do not feel up to seeing him today and would be perfectly willing to make an excuse for your absence should you require it.”

Jason almost accepts the out, but then remembers Bruce making a similar suggestion—albeit with more suspect motives—and shakes his head.

“Nah,” he sighs. “Knowing Timbers, he’s been waiting up all day. Least I can do is say 'hi'.”

“Indeed,” Alfred agrees neutrally, but there’s a twinkle in his eye that suggests approval.

As long as no one else decides to ambush me with their emotional crap today, it should be fine, Jason decides, leaving the study and wandering down the hall.

⁂

Tim is sitting in the family room watching Arranged.

He spends most of his time there, either alone or with whatever member of the family is still at home that day. After so long being practically bedridden, he’s desperate to be anywhere that’s not his bedroom.

Alfred wheels him out into the gardens whenever it’s not raining or damp or windy (which, being May, it almost always is), and he’s since enjoyed the sun on his face for the first time that he can remember. He also got to experience his apparent first sunburn, because it seems his skin is notoriously sensitive.

Worth it though, to be outside.

He shifts, sitting up on the couch in front of the large television. He’s surrounded by a staggering number of blankets and pillows; Tim’s not even sure he really needs them to support him anymore—he’s been sitting up on his own for a while—but Alfred insists it’s better safe than sorry.

Titus is lying on his feet, dozing but alert. Tim’s wheelchair stands beside the couch, with Alfred the Cat (Damian seems to not have much imagination when it comes to pet names) curled up on the seat. Occasionally he opens one eye as if to check on Tim, and then returns to sleep.

He’s not a bad recovery-cat, I guess.

On-screen, Cordelia de Vere and Bertram Montmorency get to know one another and discover they actually get along, being of complementary temperaments. They have undeniable chemistry and their dialog is full of witty diatribe and veiled insults that he can’t help enjoying. It’s much more interesting than what Cordelia had with her soulmate, which he agrees with Jay about. Tim’s not sure if it’s a better match than Bertram and Maurice, who the prince continues to see in secret. Meanwhile, Gerald seems to be getting along just fine, joining the army and vowing to build himself up to meet the standards of Cordelia’s parents. He doesn’t actually seem outwardly bothered by her absence, except for several sequences of him writing her love letters.

“Never mind a bullet, this is the kind of crap that gives you brain damage,” a voice informs Tim, amused and somewhat mocking as usual.

Tim’s eyes snap instantly to Jay as he appears in the room, and he feels a smile break out on his face.

“Hi.”

It’s one of the words he’s been working on in therapy and can finally say it without having to mentally or actually hum through a children’s nursery rhyme song. It gives him a thrill of accomplishment, albeit one that pales at the thrill when Jason’s eyes widen in surprise, and then something that Tim imagines might be pride.

“Hi back,” he replies and glances around the room. The car glares up at him like he expects him to question or end his occupation of the space, but Jason simply throws himself down on the nearby easy chair—it’s the only piece of furniture free of pillows and blankets—and squints at the television. “I can’t believe you’re still watching this.”

Tim snorts and shoots Jason a wry look, mentally telegraphing his thoughts. And what are you doing right now?

“Don’t give me that, I’m humoring the invalid.”

“Uh-huh,” Tim grunts.

“That’s a lot of sarcasm for someone who can’t manage actual words yet.”

Tim doesn’t take Jason’s abrasive comments as an insult. Along with Steph, he is the only one that doesn’t try to coddle him. He talks to Tim the same way he talks to everyone else, which, like he’s equal to them even though his brain is making things hard for him right now.

Still, the reminder of his lack of verbosity directly on the heels of his recent accomplishments strikes something in Tim, something like annoyance. Something that suddenly wants to prove a point.

He frowns in effort, trying to line up thoughts and words and the movement of his mouth.

“This is seriously predictable,” Jason complains. “Obviously the writers are trying to set it up that he shows up again and sweeps her off her feet. Then the rich boy goes back to his boyfriend and watching all this is a total waste of time.” Tim doesn’t respond, and Jason glances over at him to gauge his reaction. Only to notice now that Tim is watching him instead of the show, mouth turned downward in a frown. “What?”

Tim’s lips part, then purse, and he makes a kind of humming noise in his throat, closing his eyes in concentration. He takes a deep breath and then utters a sound.

“Ju…jjuh…juh-ay…”

He blinks, somewhat surprised by himself. Jason seems to echo it. “Did you just…?”

Tim’s mouth quirks upward and he feels almost smug. Then, he slowly sounds out the word again. “Ja-ay.”

It’s slow and stilted, and his voice is raspy from disuse, but it’s there, decrying his enforced muteness.

Jay is sitting up ramrod straight now. “Holy shit, you’re trying to talk.”

The naked awe on his soulmate’s face makes him feel warm, and so Tim plods onward, ignoring the way sweat breaks out on the back of his neck or the way he feels a little dizzy.

“Th…than…kyuu…”

Jay’s expression appears to shutter, awe becoming confusion. “Uh…for what?”

“Sa…say…” Tim is panting a bit from the effort now.

“Hey, forget it, don’t push yourself,” Jason implores him, sitting up and making a pacifying gesture. “Three words is enough progress for—”

“Say-ved,” Tim interrupts doggedly. “Safe. Me. Heard…duh…di…Dick…say. You. Say-ved me.”

There.

That was almost two full sentences. He knows they’re crude and basic and maybe not quite what he was trying to say, but he managed to communicate on his own without blinking. It fills him with a buoyant glee, a bubbling temptation to laugh though he knows from experience that doing that would just make his head spin and throb.

He expects Jay to look proud again, happy or relieved—maybe even a sarcastic, teasing quip.

What he doesn’t expect is the wild gleam in Jay’s eye or the way the blood rushes from his cheeks. He looks like someone punched him, and then he’s standing, backing away.

“That…” He swallows. “I’ve got to…”

He doesn’t finish and instead turns and practically bolts from the room, leaving Tim staring after him in shocked dismay, wondering what just happened.

________________________________________________________________

To Be Continued

Poor Timmy. And just when he's starting to show some of his old spunk, too...

Things are heading for their first boiling point. Someone's got to knock some sense into Jay, either literally or metaphorically (who wants to take bets on who it will be?). 

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 3x01/3x02 – Wanheda Part One and Two

My rewatch will have to be sped up so I could finish it before the season 6 premiere. I’ve seen up to 3x08, but from now on I have to watch more than one episode a day. I hope to be able to finish season 3 by the end of this week. Which means I’ll have to try to make my next posts shorter than this one, which I’m pretty sure is my longest rewatch review so far. Maybe I could try covering several episodes in one post to try not to repeat myself in the following reviews?

Season 3 is definitely my least favorite season of The 100, and so far, having rewatched half a season, I haven’t changed my mind on its quality. But, except for one instance of really lazy writing (which will, sadly, turn out to be something the writers like to do, since they did the same but in an even worse way in season 5), this two-parter was a solid opening to the season, which, unfortunately, started going downhill right after it.

Also, I only realized this on rewatch…. Clarke is Rapunzel?! Or anti-Rapunzel.

*These rewatch posts have spoilers for everything up to the end of season 5, and I may also mention stuff from the season 6 trailer. No spoilers for 6x01, and please don’t mention any if you reply or reblog with comments, I’m trying to avoid them (good luck to me on that).

3x01 Wanheda, Part One

Timeline: This is one of few episode reviews where it makes sense to start with this, because it’s the show’s first time-jump – it starts almost 3 months after the season 2 finale, or specifically 86 days,. In most other shows, this wouldn’t be considered a time jump, but most of The 100 episodes take place just a day or a few hours later (which was the case with the time that passed between the season 1 finale and the season 2 premiere), sometimes just a few minutes later (season 3 finale/season 4 premiere). It’s even notable and relatively rare when there is a week, or just two days between episodes. Although this is obviously nothing compared to the time jump in the season 4 finale (and, to an extent, season 5 finale – which was technically much bigger,, but only really counted for three characters), this time jump is still twice as long as the entirety of seasons 1 and 2, which lasted less than a month and a half.

The starting sequence is great, with Murphy with long shaggy hair and a beard, in a state of desperation after being locked up in the bunker for 86 days, to the point that he almost decides to shoot himself in the head. Similar to how Clarke almost shot herself in the head in the flashbacks in 5x01. Even the greatest of survivors come to the point when it’s just too much for a human being to bear. Clarke reached that point after a month of being not just all alone on a desert, radiation soaked planet, but likely to be all alone for at least 5 years, and even more likely to die of hunger, thirst or exposure. Murphy took 3 months, but was in situation where he didn’t lack food or drink or comfort – but isolation, without any human contact or entertainment, other than videos of a guy committing suicide because he felt responsible of the end of the world, has to be unbearable.

Introduction of Becca In one of the videos is good as we get more crucial info practically at the beginning of the season (and at the same time, not so good, because I can’t stand Becca and I’m really not fond of the entire storyline about the chip/Flame/Commanders).

Scenes in the mansion with Jaha and ALIE are really creepy, as we see just how much Jaha has become removed from reality and immersed in the City of Light. When Jaha explains the concept of COL, the prospect of getting rid of pain, hate and envy,  Murphy has maybe his best ever line, and pretty much his defining quote: “Pain, hate, envy… those are the ABCs of me. Take that and there’s nothing left.”

Getting thrown right into Camp Jaha, now called Arkadia, after 3 months, to see how much everyone’s lives have changed, works well for the most part (with one exception – see below). Jasper’s new look and attitude are shocking, but make sense. I don’t know if this is an unpopular opinion, but I think Jasper’s storyline was one of the best things in season 3 and even season 4, and I think it’s great that the show, for once, didn’t shy away from showing the consequences of emotional trauma (these people are teenagers who have been through terrible things in an extremely short time, it’s hard to believe everyone would soldier on and no one would break), and that they didn’t try to make a depressed person be more “likable” by being nice, even if it resulted in so many fans calling Jasper “annoying” and now showing any understanding for his mental health issues just because he wasn’t depressed in a nicer, more palatable way.

Raven’s story in seasons 3-4, which is also pretty good, also gets set up with a conversation with Abby about her pain, where Raven refuses an operation and they end up saying bad things to each other, as those two sometimes do. Raven calls out Abby on trying to hide from her own pain, too (over losing Clarke), which is a major theme this season. She also tells her she’s bad as both doctor and Chancellor, and much as I used to love Abby in S1 (and still like her) I’m afraid that this is least half-true since she’s sucked at politics most of season  2and 3. As a doctor, she’s good at healing people, but her bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired.

The show gets rid of the Raven/Wick romance plot (which had to be jettisoned due to Steve Talley being a terrible person IRL and tweeting racist “jokes”) in the best way it could, by referring to it in one line (according to Abby, Raven pushed Wick away) and never having him appear again.

They used “Add It Up” by Violent Femmes! And even Shawn Mendes’ cover worked well – his was a sad and plaintive ballad, as a contrast to the original, which is an energetic rock song. (I had no idea who Mendes was when I first watched this, but his cameo didn’t feel weird or out of place).

A huge plus because Emori makes a return. Also, Otan is introduced, who actually is her brother (it’s not just a classic thief/swindler thing where partners in crime are like “I’m an innocent damsel in distress and this dude is totally my brother…” thing).

There are several character introductions of characters that are varying degrees of interesting or not so interesting. Roan’s is especially intriguing right from the start, and there’s also Niylah, Becca and Gideon, and Gina. Speaking of…

My biggest problem with this episode is how weird and jarring it always felt that we just get introduced to Bellamy’s new girlfriend, a random character we’ve never met before and who doesn’t get developed at all. We know she’s nice and really into him, and he likes her fine enough, but there’s very little about their relationship that goes beyond very basic relationship-establishing stuff. This was all the more jarring because Bellamy had never previously been shown to have an actual girlfriend (rather than friends with benefits/fu*k buddies, which he had quite a few in season 1), and by what we know of his backstory and what we was like in season 1, I had always assumed he had never had a serious relationship or even a serious friendship, because he could never allow himself to trust people on the Ark, and he was too focused on protecting Octavia and keeping that huge secret. So for him to be a real relationship was a new development that I would have loved to actually see. And in general, how weird is it that the show seems to treat the love life of a major character – second protagonist as an afterthought, to the point that his relationships get developed completely off-screen and just get a few perfunctory scenes to establish “there was a time jump, it happened, this is a thing now, that’s all you need to know” (which was all the more jarring when Gina then got fridged just 3 episodes into the season). Hey, and just how weird would it be if the show did this TWICE? I have an idea why this happens – because neither of his relationships with Gina nor with Echo was ever treated by the show, as genuinely important or something we need to be invested in, but If I ever believed that Clarke and Bellamy were really totally platonic BFFs (because one major platonic relationship is not enough for Bellamy, who is one of the very few characters on the show who actually has a sibling, and his relationship with Octavia is also a major one the show focuses a lot..) and that the show wasn’t doing something else, I’d be really puzzled by such weird narrative choices.

·Raven teases Bellamy that Gina is “too good” for him. That may be because she is aware that he was “never as devoted to Gina” (compared to Clarke), as she taunts him as ALIE!Raven in 3x11.

Gina gives Bellamy Iliad as a gift, because his mother used to read it to him… an epic whose main theme is a warrior hero’s rage and all the mess it causes?

The Ice Nation aka Azgeda, after being referenced before, finally gets introduced (though Echo will get retconed revealed to be one of them), and I have very mixed feelings about this, because the oversimplified way the show tried to suddenly establish “Trikru=good Grounders, Azgeda=bad Grounders” in season 3 was kind of grating.

·Everyone is still bad at dealing with people with PTSD and mental health issues in general – as seen in the fact that they made the mistake to bring Jasper with them on a mission. This time, Bellamy had an inkling it was not a good idea, but Monty thought it would do Jasper good… and again, it didn’t end well.

Indra has changed her views a lot and is now the liaison between Trikru and the Arkers and o very friendly terms with Kane.

The relationship between Trikru and Arkadia is at this point kind of a mixed bag – they have a truce and cooperate, but there’s a problem of limited trade routes and ability for Arkers to get food, the Grounders are not happy with the prospect of them using Mount Weather, and Lexa has issued a kill order on Lincoln (which is why he has had to stay in Arkadia even if he didn’t want to – though it seems he does want to) just because he went back to help Arkers against Mount Weather (any disobedience of Commander’s orders, no matter how justified, is apparently punishable by death).

Something that’s annoying, but expected and in character: Octavia complaining about Lincoln wearing an Arkadia uniform and trying to integrate into the Arkadia society. It’s like she was so happy to be rebellious and have a cool Grouder boyfriend, and now she’s disappointed.  She tells him he will never be one of them (oh, the irony of this coming from Octavia, who says “I’m a Grounder” every second episode – which I don’t get, does she think being a Grounder is a lifestyle you can choose?) and even lectures him about the culture he grew up in: “At least you still speak our language” (meaning Grounder speech). LMAO

Octavia suggests they go off on their own and find Luna and her people – one of the many, many references to Luna going all the way back to season 1. No character has been set up so much long before they appeared.

It takes quite a long time for Clarke to actually appear in the episode, right after the revelation that she’s the titular Wanheda everyone is looking for.

About the nickname itself: Clarke herself hates it, of course (though she will kind of ‘reclaim’ it in 5x12) – because she feels deeply guilty and hates herself, but I’m sure that, for Grounders, “Commander of Death” an expression of awe and fear, not any kind of judgment, which wouldn’t make sense – we’ve seen multiple times that Grounders take the “kill them all If we can’t kill their leader” approach to their enemies, so I can’t see them being bothered by her killing all the Mountain Men. It’s the fact that she was able to destroy their old, powerful enemy that gives her a mythical aura. If you can kill the Mountain Men, you must be able to command death itself. They would also assign it all to Clarke, because, for starters, they weren’t there to know about Bellamy’s or Monty’s role, and secondly, Grounders tend to give all credit or blame to the leader, and they perceived Clarke as the sole leader of Skaikru during season 2.

This mythical status, however, merely makes Clarke a symbol and prize, due to the belief that killing someone means taking their power. (Which should also mean that she took the enormous power of Mount Weather in the eyes of the Grounders?) Does Queen Nia actually believe that she would literally take Clarke’s power if she killed her? I don’t know, but she probably just knows that people would perceive her as more powerful if she managed to do it.

Indra also explains that another reason the Ice Nation feels bold enough to make another move against Lexa/Trikru is that Clarke made Lexa look weak – which makes perfect sense, of course that’s what people would think after Lexa walked away from the battle and Clarke went in and killed the Mountain Men.

Seeing Clarke’s new look and persona was weird as hell the first time, but I don’t know how to feel about it as a plot point. I like it when characters’ traumas are not ignored, and it makes sense that, in her state, she wants to be anonymous and leave all she was behind. But Clarke as a great hunter after 3 months, making a living out of killing large animals? That’s a bit hard to believe. It’s not the first time the show is giving her unrealistic or, rapidly learned skills (overpowering an experienced warrior like Anya in a fight, apparently learning to ride a horse off-screen in a day, being such a good shooter to kill the MW sniper through Lincoln’s shoulder – after the short training she got from Bellamy in S1..) I complain about that with Octavia, so I should about Clarke, too (though it bothers me a lot more with Octavia since her being a great warrior  – with her few months of training -  is such a big part of her arc, while these skills are never supposed to be Clarke’s main strengths and don’t get much focus. But I like that she tells the panther “Your fight is over” while killing it.

Niylah, looking at Clarke’s back: “No kill marks”. Clarke: “My back is not big enough.”

Clarke sees Niylah has a wristband from one of the Delinquents, which is going to be a plot point in 3x11.

It’s nice to see someone expressing gratitude to Clarke for defeating the Mountain Men – Niylah says she appreciates it because her mother was a victim taken by Mount Weather. It would make sense if many more Grounders actually felt like that, but we don’t ever see many ordinary Grounders say anything about it. Usually it’s just Grounder leaders trying to make Clarke feel guilty over Mount Weather to manipulate her or excuse their own actions.

Clarke’s one night stand with Niylah is the first f/f sex scene in the show. It’s also, as far as we know, only the second time Clarke has had sex with anyone (the first one was way back in 1x04). At this point, Clarke can only bear to have physical intimacy, or any kind of human contact, if it’s not with anyone she has any stronger feelings for (and asks Niylah to stop talking before initiating sex, because she doesn’t want to risk any real intimacy). But at least Niylah is really nice and helpful, doesn’t cause drama and treats her better than any of her romantic partners have.

The first time I watched this, I found it funny that Clarke’s f*ck buddy got more screentime and development than Bellamy’s supposedly serious girlfriend.  But I didn’t know that the latter would die in two episodes, while the former will remain on the show into season 6 and get to have a role beyond that of Clarke’s occasional friend with benefit.

This turned out to be much longer than I wanted it to, but that’s because this episode juggles so many storylines and characters (and a bit of nice blatant fanservice, too – like the scene of Bellamy and Lincoln sparring shirtless, or a celebrity cameo).

But how about the one plot point that was completely ignored in this episode and the rest of season 3 (and 4, and 5, and we can assume will be ignored forever)? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE REAPERS?? Did they get cured, as the plan was originally? Abby was supposed to cure them when the alliance was still on. Did they get killed – and how, and by whom? Were they still roaming around in season 3 and 4? Why is there not a single word about any of that after season 2? Indra even recognized one of the Reapers in 2x15, it was obviously someone close to her, maybe a family member, maybe her husband/Gaia’s father? The show dropped that plot like a hot potato as soon as season 2 finished.

Body count: 

3 Ice Nation scouts killed during the confrontation (2 shot by Raven and Miller, one shot by Bellamy in the arm and then killed by Octavia)

Rating: 7/10

3x02 Wanheda, Part Two

This episode benefits from focusing on just a few storylines and characters and not featuring any of the poorer storylines.

Most of it is an exciting and intense action-adventure episode that revolves around Roan kidnapping Clarke ad trying to bring her to Lexa, as it turns out in the twist ending (after both Clarke and first time audience thought he was taking her to the Ice Nation Queen Nia), while a group from Arkadia including Bellamy, Kane and Monty are trying to rescue her.  

More new characters are introduced, including one with a huge role this season: our group (including Bellamy, Monty, Kane and Indra) has a surprise encounter with a group of survivors from the Farm Station, including Charles Pike and Monty’s mother Hannah. It was a weird meeting as it started as an ambush, before they recognized each other. Who did Pike’s group think they were ambushing and capturing? Some Grounders who stole clothes and weapons from dead Arkers? It doesn’t seem they were aware that there were any other survivors from the Ark, or else, they’d have tried to reunite with them. But it also can be seen as a sign that their terrible experiences on the ground and almost 4 months spent in the woods as guerrilla fighters have made them inclined to see enemies everywhere and mistake friends or allies for enemies.

We get the immediate “trouble ahead” warning moments when Pike calls his people “Grounder killers, all!” and they cheer, and our group looks uncomfortable because Indra is there, and then when Pike looks at Indra with animosity as soon as he hears she’s a Grounder and expresses distrust when hearing that they’re allies. But really, there’s nothing surprising about his attitude, at all, and I’ll never understand fans who are like “but why is Pike such a dick”? The show told you why, right from the start. Most of our protagonists had a similar attitude to Grounders in season 1 and early season 2, when their experiences with people on the ground consisted mostly of those people attacking them and trying to kill them. And Indra (just like many other Grounders) had the exact same attitude towards Sky people in early-to-mid season 2, as Pike has to Grounders now – when we first met her, she was constantly asking for all Sky people to be killed and trying to dissuade Lexa from an alliance, especially after Finn killed 18 unarmed people, mostly civilians, in a Grounder village. But these characters all got to have different kinds of interactions with each other and have character development since. Well, Pike and the rest of the Farm Station people have had only terrible experiences – being attacked by the people on the ground right after they landed, seeing over a hundred of their people killed in front of them, including 15 children, and they’ve spent all the time since fighting in the woods, with zero positive interactions with any Grounders. It’s really not surprising that they’re the ones with most extreme views.

Kane, however, tries to convince them that it’s all Ice Nation, they’re the bad ones, Trikru are their allies. When Pike asks for details about how that alliance happened, Bellamy gave him the shortest and nicest-sounding possible version: “We had a common enemy” – “What happened?” “We won”. Bellamy obviously doesn’t want to talk about any of it, since he’s tormented over Mount Weather even though he may not be showing it the way Clarke does. But we see that Monty later told Pike about everything that has happened, though we only see the end of that story, how they got out of Mount Weather. We can assume, however, that he did tell him all including Lexa’s betrayal, because Pike later references both that and Finn’s death in 3x08. Somehow I don’t think that hearing “well, Trikru tried to kill the kids in our camp, so we burned 300 of their warriors, then we made an alliance with them to fight the people from Mount Weather who were trying to kill us all, but they betrayed us and left us to die and we had to save ourselves on our own” helped change Pike’s opinion on the Grounders in general.

Having Zach McGowan on the show is always a good thing, and his screen presence helps make Roan an intriguing character. At this point he’s a mysterious kidnapper with a backstory about his banishment from Ice Nation which I really wanted to learn BUT THAT WE NEVER LEARNED (what the hell was up with that?) and (twist!) we learn in the last scene that he’s the Prince of Azgeda. Clarke and Roan had quite an interesting dynamic throughout the show – thank god for once that the show didn’t try to do an “Enemies to lovers” storyline (though I bet that’s just because the show already had two popular Clarke ships to juggle) but rather “Enemies to allies who are not exactly friends, definitely not romantic at all, who kind of bond and respect each other but are constantly trying to politically manipulate each other”.

Bellamy wanting to immediately run to save Clarke, the moment he saw that she had been kidnapped, and then dressing himself as an Azgeda warrior and going into enemy territory to rescue her, is a far cry from his behavior in 1x12 when he was able to be calm and rational about Clarke (and Finn and Monty) being kidnapped and presumed dead. It shows how much his feelings for her had become stronger since. In season 1, only the concern for his sister’s safety could make him have such a reaction. But he typically doesn’t make his best decision when he lets his emotions completely rule him and acts that impulsively, and in this case, his unsuccessful rescue attempt only made things worse, as it alerted Roan he was being followed, and made Clarke stop fighting and let Roan take her to his destination.

But it’s not just Bellamy who would “do anything for her, to protect her”, Clarke is equally determined to protect him at any cost, and we’ve seen evidence of that many times, including this time – when she begs Roan to spare Bellamy’s life and promises to do anything and stop fighting if he does. At the time, she believed Roan was taking her to Queen Nia to be executed, so she was basically ready to offer her life for his.

When I first saw that scene, I thought “Oh wow, show, you are really doing this? This must be the most romantically-coded scene in anything ever.” Before even starting to binge the show, I was always spoiled on the fact that Clarke and Bellamy are not a romantic couple to date and that people debate whether they’re just friends or not, and I always knew people shipped them, but that didn’t mean much since fans will ship anything (Broadchurch fans even ship the leads from that show, and they are genuinely nothing but platonic partners). So one of the bigger surprises of my initial binge was that the show is so blatant about this romantic subtext (which is more like text, a lot of the time), and has been since season 1, but they were relatively subtle with it at first and then more and more obvious as seasons went by. Maybe it jumps at you more when you’re binging it. In any case, this scene – the soft music, Bellamy touching Clarke’s hair, the way they look at each other after meeting for the first time after 3 months, Clarke begging for his life – it all looked like it was straight from some epic medieval-themed romance. I later heard people compare it to Tangled, but I’ve never seen that movie (it’s been a very long time since I’ve seen any Disney cartoons). But I’ve recently happened upon gifsets that compare that scene to a scene from Tangled: 

` Woah, they really did this. They modelled that scene after the scene where Rapunzel’s love interest tries to rescue her. And it’s not the last time they keep doing that and have used every goddamn romantic trope for the Bellamy/Clarke relationship. Is Jason Rothenberg for real? How do you do stuff like this, over and over, and then go in interviews: “Weeell, it’s Rorschah test, you can see this or you can see that, I mean maybe, but maybe they are just best buddies, ya know?” LMAO

Knowing about the Tangled reference suddenly makes me realize, they’re kind of doing this whole story as Rapunzel in reverse. We have our golden haired heroine who’s a target for her supposed special powers, and. Clarke finds herself as a literal Princess in the Tower at the end of this episode, and remains that for half of season 3. But while Rapunzel was trapped in the tower to begin with and wanted to escape and be free to see the world, Clarke was running away from the world, then got kidnapped and brought to the tower, and then decided to stay there.

 And what a freaking huge tower it is – I didn’t know the full significance of it (that it’s the former Polaris space station) when that reveal was the last moment of the episode. This thing must have been a great strategic asset, you’d have seen any army approaching from miles away.

I love the last scene, which is the first meeting Clarke and Lexa after season 2, because Clarke’s rage – spitting into Lexa’s face and yelling that she’s going to kill her, while she’s dragged away – is such a fitting and relatable reaction to the betrayal at Mount Weather, and, maybe even more, to the way Lexa starts talking to her without apologizing or even mentioning their history, being all business instead and talking about the current political situation and how Clarke can help her in that department. I didn’t even notice this before, but while Clarke just glares at Lexa at first and stays silent, it was when Lexa said “I need you” that Clarke spat in her face and went ballistic. It’s interesting to compare that to 3x05, when Bellamy had a bad reaction to Clarke telling him “I need you” in a similar context. It’s not the same thing, of course, because Clarke had not betrayed Bellamy (even if he may have kind of felt otherwise), but it’s a similar “I’ll just ignore our history – there’s nothing personal and painful to talk about here, la la la  – let’s instead just talk about how you can help me stop the war” approach.

I now love that scene even more because it’s the last time Clarke shows anger for the next two seasons. Or rather, she shows the same anger early on in the next episode in her conversation with Lexa and then when she was planning to kill her before changing her mind, but from that point on, there’s a shift in Clarke’s characterization that I’ve never liked. She was always smart, pragmatic, caring, vulnerable and good at using her words to convince people, but she also used to be vibrant, edgy, held grudges before finding a way to forgive people, and could be very impulsive. But in season 3, after the first couple of episodes, she kind of became a lot mellower and blander, and remained that way throughout season 3 and in season 4 (even though there’s otherwise a lot I like about her arc in season 4), where she would do ruthless things and feel sad about it and say “Sorry” a lot while other people told her she sucks, she would cry and look sad, but never ever show any anger herself. I really found myself wishing for her to finally show some anger at some point, at anyone, for any reasons, or go off and stop repressing her feelings and scream about her pain, break things, do something. I finally did get some of that – in 5x01 when she screamed at fate for taking everything away from her, and then, boy, did I get what I was wishing for in 5x09 – her slapping Bellamy and her silent but deadly rage/heartbreak at what she perceived as his betrayal, was the first time she had that kind of reaction to a person since her rage at Lexa in 3x02/3x03. (Unpopular opinion: I prefer season 5 Clarke to season 3 Clarke. Sure, season 5 Clarke was a total mess and reached rock bottom in many ways, but she was a more interesting and edgier mess. )

The B storylines were good, too. This is the first time we actually get to see what “the City of Light” looks like and learn about how it works. After Gideon, the big dude with a facial disfigurement, is killed by Emori in self-defense, we see him again in the “City of Light”, where he’s removed his disfigurement and can be a “normal” person rather than a “freak”. In later episodes, we see that Otan has done the same, but only Emori will not change herself physically, because she doesn’t have a problem with her body, just with the way others react to it, making her an outcast over it.

Nice to see Nyko again, one of my favorite minor characters. Unlike so many other people in this show, he’s always both nice and rational. When Abby, Jackson, Lincoln and Octavia took him to Mount Weather to find resources to cure him, and Lincoln was concerned because Grounders could have a problem with Arkers moving into Mount Weather because of their history with the place, Nyko pointed out “Places are not evil, people are.” The whole idea of the Arkers not being allowed to move into Mount Weather is stupid, knowing that the place had all those resources.

The show tried to give us bad vibes about Arkers moving into Mount Weather (which they absolutely had right to – they conquered it, so by the very rules of a warrior culture like the Grounder one, they could lay claim to it) with the talk from Octavia and Lincoln about how Grounders would have a problem with it because of bad memories. But that was just a red herring. Moving into Mount Weather turned out to be bad for a very different reason. We now know that at least the leaders of Ice Nation didn’t give a damn about their bad history with the Mountain Men, since they were working with Emerson.

What the heck was Abby thinking when she took Jasper to Mount Weather? She’s not a psychiatrist (did they even have psychiatrists on the Ark?) but I don’t think taking him back to the place of his greatest trauma is a good way to help his mental health. At least we get a nice scene for the Octavia/Jasper friendship, where she is comforting him while he remembers Maya, looking at her favorite painting, Second Circle of Hell by Dante. (The second circle of hell is for those guilty of lust... Is that why Jasper said it was ironic? Because he and Maya just kissed once and never got the chance to have sex?

Timeline: It seems that Parts One and Two lasted a little less than two days – Part One started during the day, Clarke spent a night with Niylah and immediately left in the morning, and Part Two took place during the following day.

Body count: 

Three Ice Nation warriors killed by Roan

A bounty hunter killed by Bellamy to save Niylah

Gideon, killed by Emori– but still “alive” in the City of Light

I don’t know if this counts for this episode, since it actually happened after the Farm Station landed on the ground, so somewhere around the season 1 finale and early season 2, but we only learn it now: about 120-130 people from the Farm station were killed since they landed (there are 63 Farm Station survivors, but Kane said the station initially had three times that number). A lot of them, including 15 children, were killed by the Ice Nation right after they landed, and Monty’s father, who saved four children, was killed when trying to save another one. I assume that some of the Farm Station people died fighting the Ice Nation in the woods, and that they also killed an unknown number of Azgeda people during that time. (Technically, this all happened during the timeline of season 2 and between the seasons.)

Rating: 8.5/10

[bisexualstokes-archive]

Is it too personal or may I ask what the long story that got you back into George is?

honestly i could use this ask as a way to really sit back and reflect on what’s going on in my life so yeah here’s the story:

(warnings for depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts)

so going way back to my junior year of high school, september 2009-may 2010, that was like…one of the happiest years of my life. I had some really great friends at the time, family life (from what i remember) was more or less going okay (although i remember my parents were pissing me off when i was in driver’s ed), i was getting out more, things changed in my youth group and over all it was just a great year?? and CSI?? Season 10?? was so good?? 

and then my senior year of high school started, I got into some shit with not just one, but TWO of my friends, one of which I was like..in love with, and I was getting scared because Things Were Changing and I had all this pressure on me to get a job, go to college, etc, etc. (I also did start a job in the summer between my junior and senior years and I had a crush at this job and our relationship got Complicated and we never did anything, I sort of pushed him away cause I thought I was too young to be with someone who was a couple years older than me, and I was just scared about it in general.) But I was still watching CSI. I still loved it. I still loved Nick Stokes/George Eads.

And then came my first year of college, again, still watching CSI, and I was trying–oh god I was trying so hard to keep my anxiety under control as everything was changing, I was in a brand new school where I knew like…nobody (well a few people here and there–I went to a popular community college in my vicinity so I did see a few people from high school) and again getting this pressure to succeed in college cause college just wasn’t a thing people did in my family–not until everyone began to realize how important it was (some of my cousins went back to school and got degrees and such)

and I was also trying to do my best to keep in touch with my friends, trying to mend the cracks in the two friends I had beef with, but another friend–who I had since seventh grade at that point–and I were getting closer and closer (she’s my absolute BEST friend at this point in my life tbh and uhm yeah I don’t know where I would be without her but I’ll get to that later)

and I was still watching CSI, still in love with nick, etc etc–but I was also getting into another obsession…Doctor Who

Sophmore year of college?? I think this is where depression was starting to get to me a bit. 

I had absolutely NO idea what I wanted to with my life. Family still pressuring me to succeed, things were getting Complicated with that guy at work, I started another job–so I was working two jobs at one point in my life and going to school which is uh Fun. I can’t remember much but I do remember in general being a bit freaked out over having to change schools cause that was a New thing and I was not good with change (because of my anxiety)

SO then we come to my junior year of college, and so began my dangerous Apathy phase, where I didn’t give a shit that I was failing tests because I wasn’t studying because Doctor Who basically consumed my life. I didn’t care about myself–It’s such a little thing, but I stopped brushing my hair at one point and wasn’t taking care of my body the way I should have–I had never gone to the doctor since my high school days, so I never had regular check-ups 

things at this point had ended with my first job and I’ve never seen or spoken to that one guy that I have Regrets with–to this day I wish we gave it a shot tbh, cause he seemed like a geuninely caring, nice guy? (not without his faults of course) 

and also uh…I think this was the year I stopped having a regular period. 

I’m talking like…I didn’t have a period for months, and I sure as hell wasn’t pregnant

I also stopped watching CSI, for many reasons, for the way GSR was being handled, for the way Nick was getting the promise of all these interesting storylines but NEVER DID and watching Nick/George obviously going through his own shit (cause he definitely gained weight in that season–and NO JUDGEMENT FROM ME TBH cause I’m, uh…technically classified as obese myself), and again, I was also SUUUPER obsessed with doctor who to the point where it was probably hindering my life

at some point in 2015 i did get my period again and was like “OH LOOK I’M ALL GOOD ON THAT FRONT” probably cause this is when I entered my first almost-relationship, a frequent customer at the store I used to work at asked me out and it didn’t work out in the end cause he was um…idk just Not For Me (and a gross ass kisser) but then after that one period, it disappeared again.

OH but in 2015, when CSI ended, I did watch the finale–Immortality even though I was SUPER pissed about Nick being gone (I did go back and watch just his final scene and cried like a baby) and then proceeded to rewatch grave danger for the first time in years at that point–I actually documented that on my blog here lol (and I did all of that instead of studying for a test that I failed the next day lmao)

so blah blah blah had tons of shit going on until 2016, which was possibly the lowest point of my life in terms of depression/anxiety, even though I had finally graduated college, I got a full time job (the same one I’m in now, three years later, very successful I might add–I just got promoted last year and I’m held in very high esteem by many of my superiors so it gets happy)

but in this full time job, I was moved to third shift for a few months, and was forced to work with this one woman who I like DESPISED–although not completely at the time, but to this day I really just can’t stand her (thankfully she quit lol) 

so the third shift transition was rough enough, but at least I was into a new show–Person of Interest and I was having the Time of My Life with it but it really did start getting me to think about my depression and mental health, which up until that point I had been ignoring, despite that one friend I mentioned earlier having pointed out to me many times throughout 2015-2016 that I needed to go to therapy (and I just didn’t think it would work, I didn’t want to do it, my social anxiety was screaming FUCK NO the whole time)

also the trump election thing happened and uhm yeah there was that. Got into a LOT of heated discussions…and lost like ALL respect for my step-father (who you’ll still see me refer to as “dad” but i’m pointing out he’s my step father in this instance because I would be ashamed to be blood related to him)

and despite our uh, troubles, my dad did try to get me to watch Macgyver, telling me that “hey, nick stokes is in it!” 

but my depressed dumbass was like “oh really? nice” AND THEN DIDN’T WATCH IT LIKE A FUCKING MORON

and on top of that, my house got INFESTED with mice and my parents did nothing outside of setting up mouse traps but it was getting to a point where we found like…five mice in a day and I was starting to see them in the daylight (which is a sign you have an INFESTATION) and ALL of my belongings were getting mouse shit and pee on them (my room is right next to the kitchen) and I ended up purging A LOT of things (including a binder of friendship from the one friend I had trouble with in senior year–which man that hurt to get rid of ((side note, you know what really fucking hurts the most about breaking away from that friend? we’ve known each other since pre-school and I mentioned in tags before about how we do still talk and shit and i am one of her wedding bridesmaids and shit but yeah…not like it used to be)))

and i was getting to a point where I honestly?? just wanted?? to die??

I would say it was like, late 2016 where I was even starting to think of scenarios where I could just…like…disappear? kill myself? I just did not want to exist anymore

2017 came along, fresh start, I kept telling myself. Still had mice in the mouse, but I was fully aware of my mental health issues at this point, and was starting to really listen to my friend more and more, really starting to consider going to therapy (especially now that i had health insurance)

(and also I was beginning to realize I have Feelings for this friend as well–although I gotta wonder if it’s actual romantic love and just not intense friendship cause we really are close friends but like…I could also see us as more? if she were open to it? but I know she doesn’t feel that way about girls and she’s got her own shit to deal with, and i respect that so I never push it or bring it up)

and then? twin peaks: the return came along. Season 3, episode 3, “Call for Help” a fucking masterpiece of an episode and something just…CLICKED in me. Something made me realize, I need to call for help

and so I did. 

2017 was the year of therapy, in which I talked about a lot of the shit above, and then I stopped going in I think 2018? when the therapist moved away, but my sessions were getting farther and farther apart anyway, and I felt like I was finally in a better place in my life. I had more coping mechanisms, more awareness of how to handle myself, and I began to realize I really needed to take care of myself more

so i went to the doctor for the period thing, seems like it was some hormonal imbalance cause i was put on birth control to get my hormones back in order (this is my first month off of them so fingers crossed it still works) and by the time august/september rolled around? 

I started writing again

and I’m not talking fan fiction, I suddenly had the inspiration to write this original story idea I have for a series that was HEAVILY inspired by CSI–in which the third book in the series is about a guy getting buried alive (and a girl trying to save him but doesn’t because ANGST but that’s another long ass story lol)

which, naturally, made me want to watch grave danger again, for the first time in three years. and then…I suddenly wanted to watch more csi?? from the very beginning??

and so I watched the first four episodes of season 1 again, and Nick/George was back in my life again. And it felt SO FREAKING GOOD.

Then, I watched Macgyver because I wanted to see new George content, and immediately fell in love with jack

Caught up with Macgyver and then finished my csi rewatch, this time watching all of season 13 (which I STILL HAVE MIXED FEELINGS OVER just like season 9) and 14-15 (which i regret not watching when it first aired cause it’s SO GOOD)

and I’m not saying like…Nick/Jack/George is the sole cause of my happiness, the cure for my depression/anxiety (cause that shit never goes away, you just learn to manage it better), nor is he the sole love of my life or anything, but…he’s a huge part of who I am, because in those years, when I was struggling, I lost myself. I lost Nick. But now I found myself again, I re-discovered my passion for Nick Stokes, and i’m just as happy as I was back in 2009/2010, and life is just so good

[feral-space-faerie]

Maiden, Crone, and when the Mother doesn't matter

To start off this post, I think it's important to say that many aspects go into the paths of everyone. Some people may not have the same aspects included in their path, but that doesn't mean that they don't have a place. Many things have driven my path away from the standard/common ones, and at times it can make things incredibly lonely. It can also make my path the subject of judgment in spaces where multiple paths are supposed to be safe. But I have not, and will not let it stop me from living my life.

No matter your Pagan background, most of us are familiar with the feminine 3 of Maiden, mother, and crone. Mostly used by wiccans, eclectics , and neopagans, but of course numerous other sections of pagans and witches use this. To the point where if your on a public forum it can be hard to escape from this phrase.

I'll be blunt, the mother isn't in my path. Not in the slightest.

I've had people, for the most part men and older women, tell me I wasn't a pagan because of this, because paganism is a "fertility based faith", and because of that suppose it fact it drove the spirituality behind it. Of course, I disagree with that.

I am childfree. The reality of my life in situation is that I'm glad my ankles will never swell, my boobs won't swell up and then sag, I won't balloon and be miserable for nine months, and then spend 18 years with someone constantly needing me, or potentially hating me, and I'll never be or feel obligated to associate with "that" Facebook mom who annoys literally everyone on the planet, even other mothers, with her constant pictures of how beautiful her baby is, how much they love their child, how their life was nothing before their child, Etc. I worked two years and a daycare center, and through most of my teen years babysat. Before I did that I knew I didn't want to have children, I knew that definitely when I was 12. And then after those experiences I realized that I didn't want to do either of those things ever again. I do not have, or live with children, and I haven't for about 4 years now and I absolutely love it.

The childfree choice was one that I had made many years ago, however, it wasn't always a steady decision. However, when the decision changed, it wasn't my own. I had no control. I was in a relationship for six and a half years, and lived through lots of domestic abuse of varying types. For instance, during those 6 years there were two times when I was 95% sure that I was pregnant. And I got horribly sick both times, but was refused medical treatment from both my partner and my partner's family because I was "just sick with a bad flu" and would "snap out of it in no time". Both times I took pregnancy tests and was pregnant. My partner wanted to have children but no I didn't, and I believe that that was why he would never take me to the doctor. He was the only one with a car. And if I argued about wanting children he would threaten to tell everybody that I was pregnant, because supposedly I needed to know how they felt about the subject before I could decide what I wanted to do with my life. During the last two years of that time I got pregnant again. And I terminated that pregnancy. The reason being, I got myself to the ER. I've been pregnant for about two months, and two ultrasound methods couldn't see the fetus, I was told it was very likely that if I kept it it would have made your birth defects, it wasn't growing, I was unable to eat, drink, be hydrated in any way except for being hooked up in the hospital room, in short it was extremely problematic. Not only all of this, but I did not want to have his child, for most of our relationship I resented any intimacy from him. I had extreme anxiety and self hatred and disgust daily until I was able to formally terminate the pregnancy. I've never felt so relieved in my life when it was over.

After all that I saw doctor again who basically said, " your body doesn't do its job properly, we don't know why. We're surprised you became pregnant in the first place considering everything. It's highly unlikely that you'll ever be able to become pregnant again."

Yes, I am childfree, by choice. But that was something that still stung. When you go through life not wanting to be a parent and being told that you'll change your mind, you'll meet someone who makes you want to have children, develop maternal instincts eventually, and then all of a sudden you have somebody telling you that you can't... It still feels like somebody else is trying to make your choice for you or trying to convince you to sway one way or the other. And it's a hard thing to go through regardless because either way you feel like an outsider and that something is wrong with you, because it isn't the majority's opinion.

On a side note before we continue, childfree does not equal childless. However both terms technically fit my experience at this point.

Another thing that affected my choice to be childfree was the fact that I am a part of the lgbtqia+ community. This has also affected my place in paganism, because people like to think in Polar Opposites. Man and woman, sun and moon, everything is binary and gendered, and focused on the cycle of life. People like to tell me that my asexuality is against nature, and that I'm simply ignoring my urges. Ignoring urges and not having sexual intercourse is celibacy, not a sexuality. Celibates choose this life, I did not. On the asexual Spectrum I fall under something called acosexuality, which by definition is someone who sexuality has been permanently affected or changed by past sexual abuse. I was asexual before the abuse, and after it changed me and pushed me even farther from what Society demanded I be.

Back to the binary, man-woman thing, I get it, some people believe that there's only two genders. I do not. Regardless of what I believe, I'm gender-fluid. And I'm only fluid by the standard two genders that most people recognize. So either way it doesn't matter. Essentially I don't feel like a woman a lot of the time, at least not a standard woman. Which in part could be related to why I don't want children, however I don't think that really matters.

I've been told by pagans and non pagans alike that I would change my mind, that I would die sad and alone, that I was selfish, that I was a useless woman, and that I had nothing to live for.

I live for me, I live for my partner whom I love. As far as selfishness goes if you ask anyone who's wanted to be a parent their first words usually are "I wanted". Being self-aware at a young age for what I want out of life isn't selfish, if anything it's selfless to consider it ahead of time, and before it's too late. I see it this way, think about all the people who shouldn't breed but I've done it anyway, and ruin the lives of the children in the process? I refuse to be one of them. I don't particularly like children, even the well-behaved ones. Yes some children are cute. Most of the time they're known to make me feel irrationally angry a lot of the time anyway. There's many other things to do with my life besides dropping my dreams and goals just to create spawn, writing novels, learning languages, engaging in art and music, traveling the world, there's too many other engaging in fulfilling options in life to the point where it shouldn't be assumed that I want or need to have a traditional family. I'd rather do something I love and I'm good at. I would completely resent myself and my children for the rest of my existence. If I decided I wanted to have children because I might simply regret it or be alone on my deathbed, then I'd only be choosing that choice out of fear and not love, and as rational people understand, that's no way to make huge life decisions. I could regret having kids as much as I could regret not having them. Regretting the existence of children after having them outweighs the potential small regret from not having them, in my opinion because then it would be their lives that I was still responsible for.

There's other reasons that I don't want to have children, I don't owe you any of these reasons but I'm offering them anyway because I know that some of you will still disagree with me. But my mental health has been in a horrible State most of my life. I'm simply mentally ill most of the time my brain gets sick very easy and I don't think that's a good thing to have going on all of the time when you have children, not to mention my partner also deals with mental health issues. Aside from the fact the cost of raising children in the state of my generation isn't something that makes me think that this is a good place for a family. How does paganism truly fit into all of this? Do I still have a pagan family? Do I have a family at all?

When I was told that I would probably never have children I did get depressed for a while, simply because it was no longer my choice. Paganism and spirituality helped me accept that. Most of my path focuses on ancestral practices and worship, and Family Focus. My path is still beautiful, and I'm still a useful human, because my fertility is not who I am. I am a Divine being in my own right, and deserve the same respect as anyone who chooses to live the life of a parent, because being a parent or not being a parent doesn't give anyone leverage over the other in life. They're simply different Lifestyles, and I believe that both should be celebrated, not judged or attacked by others.

If I wanted to be judged or attacked by the opinions of others I would have remained where I was, going through the motions and pretending that I like the life I lived, that I liked pretending that I believed in the Christian God, pretending that I liked the abusive relationship I was in, pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't, pretending to be somebody I didn't even know. I left all of that behind, and I won't let anyone drag me through the mud over making my life better for myself. Self improvement is important, and even though the way I improve myself isn't the same way as others, it's still a good way. A way that works for me better thananything else has.

[beyondthebarricadephotos]

Personal Update

Hiiiiiiiiiii……….. iiiI have absolutely no idea how to start this, but i guess the beginning is a pretty good start.

(Im not gonna lie i am absolute shit when it comes to talking about things in my life especially my health but im trying to work on that and hopefully use it to help educate in the future)

Il'l be honest this last year and a half-two years has been rough, no one ever tells you the sheer difference between just knowing about something and coming to terms with it being reality.

Growing up we always knew i had ADHD and even got that tested/medicated very quickly. But we also always knew i had Autism to some degree, unfortunately living in the south in the late 90s there weren’t many people willing to test/label a girl with that (things are ass backwards down here what can i say). What they don’t realize is its essentially social suicide by not getting me tested then because being the outcast of the outcast and not be able to offer explanations that does thing to people. But, At least we knew about it early on because i was able to do my own research over time and even found ways to work with people on the spectrum to better understand my own problems.

Now flash forward to the summer in between my 2nd and 3rd year of college, i can’t explain it but its like reality was playing catch up to the point that the DAY before my junior year was supposed to start I dropped out. Although i will admit at the time my reasoning was because of my mom having surgery and someone need to keep an eye on her for a bit. What I didn’t know however was giving my mind room to breathe finally would start sort of a domino effect of problems.

So now lets jump to the spring of 2016. I’ve had a lot going on both mentally and physically my whole life (especially right now) but for some reason one night as im sitting at a music festival camera in hand waiting on the main act to start i look around and for the first ever I felt like i was at home. You’d think that’d be a good thing right? Almost but not quite. Following that little realization i FINALLY got someone to get me tested and sure enough right in the middle of summer not even a week after Warped Tour, i got the answers I’d been waiting ages for. Not only did we finally have definitive diagnosis of Level 1 ASD we also found several things that had been lurking in my minds shadows (i.e. More anxiety, depression, insomnia, bi-polar, slight manic) which was fine but also felt like the entire floor had ripped out from under me with no warning.

Now, Ive dealt with depression off/on my whole life but it is TERRIFYING to be in an all out mental free fall and not even be aware of it at first. Im not even joking when i say i felt like i was going insane. I can say now though that I completely get why people love New Years. After months of trying to understand things and recalibrate meds we’d finally found a combo that works, and even driving that point home with me having a huge mental break through happened on New Years eve. As im typing this right now i can tell you my mental state is miles better than it was at the beginning of this year, theres still a lot of work to be done on my end but my self awareness and recognition has increased exponentially for someone late to the show here.

Oh, But wait! Theres more……….

Remember me saying there were physical problems occurring too? Well, around late 2015-all of 2016 I started having intestinal issues again which as someone who’s had ulcers before thats not something you want to feel again, ever. Except it wasn’t ulcers and after a shit ton of test we did determine it wasn’t my gallbladder either (s/o to my genetics), in the end it just kind of got chalked up to anxiety considering i had also been dealing with what we had thought was the start of TMJ (thanks mom).

And really that was pretty much the running theory up until February of this year happened. When i tell you my body has impeccable timing im beyond serious because literally TWO DAYS before my umptienth visit with the oral surgeon my jaw……well long story short, my jaw had been partially dislocating itself for a year until it finally just decided popped back into place on its own. Which yeah great that answers that problem, but the gut issues han only gotten significantly worse at this point. Spareing some details and numerous appointments, about mid spring this year we found out I actually have what is known as Auto-immune Pancreatitis, Sounds bad right? Because it is. Sad part is it would’ve been found a lot sooner too if it wasn’t for my almost inhuman pain tolerance. Even funnier is both EDS (associate with my jaw problem) and Pancreatitis are fairly common in Autistic and ADHD people (Story of my life at this point).

Were, still not done though!

Ontop of ALL of this ive also been getting significantly more frequent migraines, again not new in my life but it is something thats finally being paid proper attention to (kind of). Migraines aside, another problem being that my whole life i’ve always had a higher resting heat rate than most people, again very common in adhd people and athletes. Whats not common about it, is for my average to be 115bpm while sitting perfectly still and then jumping on its own all the way to 170bpm without me having moved an inch (bare in mind 115 for me is what 60 would be for most people so 170 is probably more like 130 in normal people).

Which bring me to the last couple of months here. Technical jargon and process aside we(my cardiologist) have fortunately found that it’s not a valve and it’s not a rythm problem but it is an electrical problem known as Sinus Tachycardia or laymens terms; my heart beats way to fast naturally and randomly speeds up on its own without any outside prompting. At this point in time the main goal is to figure the why i have some sort short circuit in my system and then the migraines and other things i haven’t mentioned can be dealt with.

And that “self tanner” photo (on insta), that is from me havin a LINQ montir placed in my chest so that my heart can be monitored 24/7. No i can’t feel it, yes i was awake, yes i mean my boob, no it doesn’t stay in forever it only has a battery life of about three years……

As for what this means in terms of the future of my photography: I’m not giving up on Beyond the Barricade I actually even have several ideas to make it so much better than what i originally had planned. But for right now i have to raise the caution flag and take a step back from basically everything in music. As much as i dont want too my health comes first and even if mentally im in a much better place physically its hard to even just get out bed most day and getting this sorted is my number one priority. Yeah, I might be down at the moment but i will be damned if i let life count me out. I’m still here I promise.

-JT

Insta: https://www.instagram.com/thiggy_/

[intheliteraturesense]

Fake Happy

Sometimes in life I’m about to do something or write about a particular topic, I’ll get all prepared in advance and in that time, something related to that topic will happen and I’ll sit there stunned like “Well…shit…”.

This happened last year when I was thinking of writing a piece on the atmosphere and the intense love I feel at every gay pride march I attend, a few days later the horrific massacre at Pulse nightclub happened and I couldn’t write or speak about anything for some time. It wasn’t because I had some personal connection to these people, I know the grief police will be screaming “You didn’t know them” but the truth is it doesn’t matter if I did or not, these people mattered regardless. The fact this was an attack on particular group/community is honestly what broke me, which sounds maybe over dramatic but it’s the truth because it hit me a lot harder than I could’ve imagined. This happens to me sometimes, I feel too much or get too involved or invested in my perfect idealistic view that when something happens to shatter that dream that “things are getting better” it knocks me clean off my feet for a minute. It happened before with the death of Ned Vizzini which I’ve written about before I’m sure and I will write a little on here too, but it’s recently happened again. I was originally going to write this post after hearing a song of Paramore’s new album, called ‘Fake Happy’ which I immediately loved and related to a lot upon first listen. I suppose in a lot of ways those original ideas for this post are still fundamentally the same as it is all connected. Upon hearing the lyrics to this song I couldn’t help think about all the creative people I’ve loved and admired for many years and all the creative people I know in my life and how they all suffered/suffer from things like depression, bipolar disorder, etc. and it made me aware of this link people commonly make between creativity and depression. As most people know by now (Thursday 18/05) or at least by the time I post this, the lead singer of the incredibly influential band Soundgarden, Chris Cornell sadly passed away after what appears to be suicide. Before an official cause of death was announced, I was overcome with sadness and shock even though I definitely wasn’t a huge Audioslave or Soundgarden fan because I was a rock/grunge fan regardless how much I listened to his music, I had immense respect for someone who not only was amazingly talented (and inspired majority of the bands I idolise) but also seemed like a genuine lovely person. So once again this one hit me in a way I didn’t really expect because I was just so stunned, and a moment later a thought entered into my head “Please don’t let it be suicide, that would just be horrible for his family and everyone”. I’m aware it’s an extremely pessimistic and bleak thought to have but it says a lot about how often this is the case in regards to people involved in the arts.

As I mentioned before a similar punch to the gut type feeling happened when I learnt of the death of one of my favourite writers, Ned Vizzini. Although Ned didn’t get the chance to write many novels, the ones he did were poignant and beautiful. When I learnt he had committed suicide, it hit me even harder that he was gone because his novels were somewhat autobiographical in that they were partly based on his own experiences with depression at a young age. I think that’s why it was heart breaking for me to hear how he died, because part of me (the optimist) felt like he had learnt to deal with his depression, not completely erase but that he had come to a point where he could know the signs and manage it better than he had previously. It made hearing the reality so much harder, but in a sad way the reality is just that it’s the real truth. Depression comes in waves. Sometimes it’s not constant. Sometimes it reoccurs. Sometimes we need to get help over again after thinking it wouldn’t happen as bad again. There is no magical cure as painful as that is to realise, it is something we deal with it in varying levels at various times in our lives. What’s important obviously is to not succumb to it, to keep fighting and most importantly to let people know and get help. *This is not to suggest that both Ned and Chris would be fine if they had just talked to someone, I’m in no way suggesting that but I feel like what I’m talking about is painful and upsetting and like I need to put some advice of some kind here so I apologise if it seems like I’m oversimplifying these issues, it’s in no way my intention. I just don’t know how to write this* I think a lot of the things I’ve discussed so far are what drew me to the lyrics in the song ‘Fake Happy’ because the whole song is based on the idea that we aren’t the only ones faking happy. It directly acknowledges the fact that many people (perhaps particularly my generation in this current time) are suffering with depression and/or isolation etc. yet they are choosing to put on a fake smile for everyone else. What makes this a little ironic is we are currently living in a time where mental health awareness is much more prominent and discussed than ever before, yet so many of us continue to fake happy. I’ll admit it it’s a hard conversation to have, not only with your family and the people that love you but it’s a hard conversation to have with your own self. It’s hard to come to that conclusion that things aren’t okay and you might need some help after all, I think as human beings regardless of differences, fundamentally we all try so desperately to be brave and hold on to the idea of “It’s bad but it’s not that bad” or rather “I’m just a little down, it’s not that serious”. I think we all do that and that’s partly where this admiration for people who actually do say “You know what? I think I need some help” comes from, we admire strength and courage in others, that we feel we do not possess ourselves. I have been one of those people in admiration recently since a number of artists from my favourite bands have been very open about starting therapy or even that they have been put on medication, which is incredibly personal thing to announce to the world.

I’m immediately happy for them and admire them because I’m aware how hard it is to reach that point where you stop telling yourself everything is okay and start saying “It’s not okay”. It seems odd to me sometimes that we live in a time of intense awareness to look after your mental health, but everyone sees these posters or hears these talks and believes they are referring to someone else and not them. It’s within our nature to say or think “There is always someone worse of” but the thing is, that doesn’t really fucking matter when it comes to depression. People often exclaim ill-informed statements like “Depression is selfish” or “Suicide is selfish”, and I want to hit these people repeatedly with a bat but I’m desperately trying to live a pacifist life so I don’t. The reality is of course that depression isn’t selfish, the prime fucking reason it’s not it’s the overwhelming fact that people generally don’t seek help for various reasons including that they don’t think it’s that serious and that other people have it worse. Once again I’m apologising if I’m oversimplifying but fuck that idea that someone else has it worse, you feel the way you feel and that fucking matters! Regardless of who has it worse in the world, every single one of us deserves a chance at happiness, every single one of us deserves love, every single one of us deserves help when we need and every single one of us deserves support. I think creative people fall victim to this way of thinking, primarily because they are so focused on emotion and people other than themselves generally of course. I’ve always been one of those people who can pick up on people’s emotions by walking into the room they’re in, I can even tell when a conflict or something painful has occurred. So this makes me one of those people that stays quiet when things are at their worst, because that phrase enters my head “Someone else has it a lot worse”. The truth is though that we can’t help every single person in this world who has it worse than us, we can damn sure try but we simply can’t. Therefore the person that needs our help and our support is often ourselves, we need to realise we deserve help too because although ‘technically’ in our minds someone has it worse, we still feel the way we feel and that’s important. Screw being silent about it being brave, actually coming forward and talking about it is brave.

I’m writing this still upset by the loss of Chris, Ned and the many others we have lost who created incredibly beautiful and deeply moving pieces of art often from their own places of pain or hurt. I’m writing this knowing I don’t have any answers or resolutions good enough for myself to give me back some sense of right in the world or explain why these things are the way they are or why good people are plagued with inner demons. I don’t think anyone has those answers, but all we can do now is try to be better to one another and try talking to lessen the fear and stigma that surrounds these issues. I know talking doesn’t magically solve everything but god damn it’s a step in the right direction and that’s all we’ve got right now. I’m still sad we’ve lost another beautiful person who unknowingly/knowingly helped millions of people with their own inner demons and depression, I’ll probably always be sad when people bring it up or talk about him. I’ll be sad because it doesn’t seem fair or right that someone who does good had to struggle internally, I’ll be sad because I’m sick of how that story too often ends. I’ll always be sad about it, but myself and all of us have to remember what these people tried to do in their various ways. They tried to make the world a little better, people’s burdens a little lighter and most of all they’d tried to connect people to one another so we knew we weren’t alone. They may not be here anymore, but we still are. We still have a chance. We have to create, we have to try make things better in little or big ways, we have to be good to one another and we have to talk about the things that matter. I’m sorry if this comes off as preachy, I just don’t know what else to say other than we shouldn’t ‘fake happy’ especially when we know that there is an incredibly high chance we aren’t the only one faking it. It’s okay not to be okay. But it’s important to talk about it.

Love & hugs, Shannon