#they ruined me drastically
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you know wha t. BOOM. ANOTHER OC X CANON !!! im so so attached to them
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i can't believe that a show who's main bread & butter is masturbation jokes really has me like
#had some major realizations about why exactly karamatsu doesn't recognize he could have feelings for kuroba until ->#there's that drastic shift in their relationship after the reunion#i've touched on it a lil before and i kinda wanna make a more detailed post about this specifically#but the long & short of it is that he's actually ignoring the depth of those feelings on purpose#he was genuinely oblivious at the start of things but it's not like he completely lacks self-awareness#so when he does begin to notice that his feelings for them go deeper than just friendship or finding them attractive#he chooses to stay oblivious bc he doesn't want to start getting his hopes up and ruin what he currently has with kuroba#which gets increasingly harder the more kuro shows glimmers of potentially liking him bad#i'm also imagining a moment where his brothers are getting on him about the status of his relationship with kuro ->#after matsuyo brings it up earlier in the day and he kinda snaps at them about it#BUT I'LL GO MORE IN DEPTH ABOUT THAT LATER#i should actually head to bed soon it's late#i stg this show is making me lose it...#mj rambles#ship : kurokara
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#dont mind me just havin a conversation about rpgs and mods (specifically BG3)#and the person says they don't like mods and im like thats fine! nothing wrong with that!#and then they just go off “Mods are delusions and lies and deception!! its not real!!”#like ummm idk how to break this to ya buddy but uhh#the entire video game is not real lmao#they seem weirdly attached to the idea that the creator's vision is law and anything remotely changing any detail is blasphemy#nevermind all the things Larian themselves have retconned and moved around lol#the studios themselves dont know what their own canon is sometimes#in TES Kahjiit look different in each game#the elves are drastically different between each Divinity game#idk this is just a super bizarre conversation and ngl it threw me for a loop lmao#“mods are an illusion” feels like a meme#like i get that in spirit they mean that mods can hurt the integrity of a game and oossibly change the original vision#or go against established lore#but at the same time like....who cares? the creators aren't going to be offended and block you from playing the game because ur using mods#sorry im rambling but im just so darn confused#this is a hot take i wasn't prepared to catch#like show me where the video game mods have personally attacked you lmao#and YES if youve made it this far into the tags i will tell you#this was a conversation with an anti aa person on the aa kiss mod#theyre mad because it just “supports a delusion” and “ruins the story Larian is telling”#cause ya know ...the Tav expressions are meant to godmod players so that we know AA is abusive!#it was just all very patronizing#theye like “nothing wrong with using this mod if it makes you happy!! but hust remember that its NOT real and not canon!!”#imagine being so bitter you have to comment on things not for you just to bring down morale of those who enjoy it#and you do it with a take that isnt even correct lmao
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👆👆👆👆👆👆 first sighting of 1000+ ooo……. this is So Much in general but it was really A Lot watching the episode for the very first time and seeing this with no warning, no idea it was coming… it really did make me feel brand new emotions
#when CAWM aired i wasnt watching AT. and didnt really ever plan to#but even with it all over my dash all i picked up about the finale was#1. gay people real 2. i Saw beth & shermy with no context of who they were#I didnt. Know. I managed to avoid knowing.#Damned show caught me off guard just suddenly throwing it on me#‘here’s the empty ruins of the world in this show you’ve come to love#drastically changed long before they were abandoned. all is gone and little is familiar’#basilposting#atlb
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1) Opens up drafts with my head empty, ready to be flooded, not knowing where I'll go. 2) 30 seconds later: Okay but I will go feral any day of my life over Perilous Trail, and the fierce dichotomy of Xiao and Yelan. While they're far from being 'the same', they both view themselves as soldiers in one way or another (it's a very difficult word to use for Yelan, so I'm using it very liberally and very loosely), they have both suffered losses on the 'battlefield' and carry the burden thereof in their own ways. And yet they stand so firmly in opposition throughout the entirety of that questline up until the very end of the 'the end of the line' conclusion of the quest. Yes, I know that she offers him her gratitude in its aftermath and it is genuine, but she still never agrees with him and the decision that he made moments earlier. It simply 'worked out' because of Zhongli's interference, he's the only reason it worked out. And it's because of that, that she doesn't give him a hell of a hard time (obviously she can't go down there, but imagine the inner frustration of severe extents; when you condemn someone who you can't even see anymore). In the same way that she would do to anyone who would sacrifice themselves for others, but in this case, I think it's 'beautiful' that it's to Xiao; the one who seems most adamant to do so (which honestly, fits into the contract that the Yakshas chose to sign with Morax; 'the ultimate sacrifice' to protect for Liyue; 'for Liyue', and Liyue has always centered itself around its people), the one who everyone reveres (and so does she, as she notes in her voiceline, 'if I ever have the honor to fight alongside') and respects for good reason, she stands against him, because in that moment, regardless of his status, he makes a call that she considers wrong. And he doesn't even... fight her on it very fiercely, and that's what actually hurts me the most, it's as if the following line hit the nail directly on the head?
"Besides, if you were really so determined to end it all, you wouldn't have given us the opportunity to share our opinions."
#[ mini study. ] that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years.#[ and then shortly after 'the point is: it's not time for drastic measures yet.' ]#[ /shakes ven into another dimension. ]#[ i thought the ost at the end of perilous ruined me enough. but tale of the yakshas may actually ruin me more. ]#[ also i love how i typed up the bit of the contract and 'for liyue' and zhongli in my head isn't rattling at bars but-- ]#[ he's sipping his tea (the equivalent). one day ven. i /promise/ you. one day you'll get him from me. ]#[ he'll likely be the 2nd genshin blog to run alongside yelan if/when i get to being able to run two again. ]#[ but until then. can we talk about the dynamic of xiao and yelan until we're blue in the face? i'd like to do that too. ]#[ i type this as if i'm perfectly chill but i'm not. i'm really not. the concept of self sacrifice and sacrifice as a whole. ]#[ BETWEEN THESE TWO. drives me /insane/. and part of me sits here and goes-- ]#[ god. what happened with yelan and her team down there? we know that despite every plan she ever made and prepared-- ]#[ their enemies (WHAT WERE YOU FIGHTING??) were too powerful and more specifically-- too smart. too calculating. ]#[ ... and too strong (okay literally what on earth were you fighting? are we talking the khaenri'ah soldiers? like what? or abyss mages?) ]#[ (but abyss mages don't exactly entirely fit the description in her story. ugh. UGH). ]#[ any way-- it was her and her team. /they/ all died and she didn't. yanfei describes it as... ]#[ 'knowing that your life was saved when others weren't'. surely the millilith didn't intervene or happen to arrive. yelan must've... ]#[ gotten away? or something? but that doesn't feel quite right. but i'm just sitting here left with the idea of... when you lead a team. ]#[ you bear the responsibility of even their lives. and yet despite bearing that responsibility; she's exactly the one who lived. ]#[ the only one who did. that has to be a /stupid/ burden. it's like the captain who has to go down with the ship but is the only one... ]#[ who gets to live. only one who gets to survive. i just. ]#[ i didn't think i'd love a character as much as this one. where did she come from; jesus christ. ]
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head in hands
#splash vents#i think my brain and body going through the process of realizing i only have eight days left is doing catastrophic miserable things to me#i go home in a week. smiles smiles. my brain is trying to fucking ruin my life for it#im goooing to do something drastic!!!!!!!!
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I wish I could handle myself in an argument without fucking crying
#My dad just got back from a like. educator’s conference on ai#and was like ‘wow it’s just so amazing. I wish students didn’t use it to cheat but it’s amazing’#and he’s talking about how he would be fine to see art and writing and stuff created by ai if he couldn’t tell the different. and was like.#if you can’t tell why would you care? to me#and I was like ??? Because I want to see things created by my fellow man? because I want to see things created by passion and love#for the craft? because I want the stories I consume to benefit talented creators and not just big corporations?#Because I want people to being able to share their art with the world instead of it all being created by a computer trained on#nonconsenting parties??#and he was like ‘yknow you really shouldn’t position yourself so anti ai. you’re never gonna be able to get a job with that attitude’#and I’m just like ‘I don’t want a job that uses ai as it currently stands? and unless this shit improves drastically I probably won’t?’#and he was like ‘well you’re gonna fuck yourself’ and then went into this long metaphor and then said that this was just like how#I hate board games and that I shouldn’t commit so hard to my dislike of something bc I’ll be missing out#when that’s not even the fucking same thing! I wish I liked board games! I wish I could share in something that literally all of my friends#love and not be a fucking bummer at parties bc I either don’t play and look weird or I do play and feel like shit and probably act like#an ass! I wish I liked board games! I simply do not enjoy playing them! I find them stressful and unenjoyable!#I don’t like ai bc I don’t like the way it’s trained! I don’t like the way companies are trying to use it! I don’t want to make or consume#things that were created by an algorithm when I have beautiful art and writing and creations by passionate people who I think should be pai#and at this point I start crying bc he’s telling me I’m never gonna get a job bc god forbid I have some principles and keeps comparing it t#the board game thing which he already knows I’m fucking sensitive about!#and I have to run upstairs like a pussy bc I don’t wanna keep talking about it bc now I’m fucking crying#I hate how I can’t get even a little bit passionate without just getting emotional. I hate that I can’t handle myself#it sucks bc now I’m sure I just look like an idiot and my evening is ruined
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me when I write poetry to cope with my bitchass teacher
#I think. I should seek help for these problems. Maybe. Juuuussst maybe#Will I though? No!!! Asking to see a therapist is like ….idk I feel like my parents would take it as like#“Hey you guys fucked up so bad that I have mental issues now love you !!!!”#And I’m not very good at asking for things#I get scared asking to leave the house without more than three days notice for fucks sake!!!!#Despite my very….outward nature here I’m actually extremely timid and afraid of everyone ever#It’s just here there isn’t much consequence to it. I don’t have to hear your voice or look at you#It’s just text on the screen#It’s easier. So much easier#vent#Also to add to the therapy point#I also feel like I’m gonna get hit with the “what are you depressed about” / “you don’t have anything to be depressed about” line so hard#That I’ll actually consider doing something drastic cuz I’m tired of this bullshit#I do it to myself too! That’s how bad it’s gotten!#I know I was joking about the “s.k trauma deniers” but people don’t normally get so terrified in a usually safe environment like that!#I KNOW there’s stuff up with me it’s just very hard for me to go out and do smth about it cuz it’ll snowball and ruin things
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ok evil astarion kinda breaks my heart tho
#i need a safe space to say this 💖#like by all accounts every single part of his ascended character is tailored for people exactly like me#but after getting to know this character for dozens of hours seeing the drastic change in personality just kinda hurts#like every time i talk to him I'm just like 'oh i ruined him'#there will never be love in those eyes again. he's become what he loathed because it was all he knew how to be.#this is a really good game :( doing my durge run where i make everyone worse
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pls don't go on reddit for ur hyperfixation needs
even if you've read the whole tumblr tag again
don't do it
#community subreddit is CHOCK FULL of hickey apologists it is genuinely upsetting#saying all kinds of shit about how much they liked him during that One Episode (s5e7)#i wouldn't feel safe around any of them bc they describe the episode in a way that implies#that they would be downright gleeful to try to 'punish' (abuse) neurodivergent ppl in a way that wouldn't be accepted with neurotypical ppl#'actions have consequences' come on now. you know that HANDCUFFING SOMEONE TO FURNITURE is way too drastic a reaction#for *checks notes* accidentally ruining art#the fact that this kind of opinion generally goes unchecked in that subreddit is wild to me
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I've spent too much time on the verge of suicide to be here today
#suicide tw#that's genuinely embarrassing#why haven't I done it yet. what am I staying here for#the truth is that I am a hopeful person deep inside and I want a decent future#I don't want to die in misery without ever knowing anything different#but the realistic part of me knows that I will never live a peaceful life#my hope is built on the fact that much of my misery stems from my environment and therefore I think that leaving will make me happy#and there is so much truth to that. I would be happier in different circumstances#but that doesn't change the lifetime of abuse and social isolation that has fundamentally damaged me as a person#I will carry the past with me wherever I go and it's impossible for me to escape#I will never be someone that was equipped to function in society and that is no fault of mine but I alone carry the burden#which really upsets me. why is my life ruined over someone else's choices? it's so easy to destroy someone#and so I know I will never truly change#I've had an ed for over 5 years I've been casually suicidal for like 10 years. also this happened during important formative years#I'm never gonna be mentally healthy. why do I keep holding on to the future#I wanna do something drastic#I wanna cut people out of my life. like past friends that are somewhat current#I'm easy to take advantage of bc I'm so lonely and desperate for a friend#and I wanna stop talking to the people that don't value me bc I know they don't care and it makes me sad all the time#but the problem is that I am desperate for a friend. and I don't wanna lose anyone even if they are shitty#unfortunately I still love them even if they don't care about me#that's so pathetic tbh but I can't help it. I love everyone#Sera
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you know i understand people have different coping mechanisms but i really wish some of those were not public
#^this is about. fuckin . mcyt edtwt#<- warning for talk of that in tags take care of yourself<3#i have this really bad habit of going down rabbitholes of edtwt accounts#cause someone will qrt one and then i cant help but click and click etc#and the thing with mcyt ones is like . i cant have my main interest ruined like that#like one of the best things in my life#cause its already happening a bit ill see a recent picture of wilbur and think 'i want to look like that'#but not in the way ive meant it for years (just regular gender envy) more like .Yknow . Yeah#anyway sorry i try not to talk too much about body image shit on here but . Todays bad#it feels so stupid too seeing all these accs talk about the drastic stuff they do & im just sitting here having had a regular dinner like#it feels stupid to even talk about it as an issue idk#like yeah last year sure i was trying my best to not eat lunch on most school days but thats not even the case now so like . Idk#<- Definitely out of choice and not cause my friend won't let me skip Yep yep yep#alex.rambles.txt
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saw someone recommending an environmentalism app that will 'really help you make good choices and has lots of good info' and i was like hm. well maybe there's something new on there. im vaguely curious.
first thing it hits me in the face with is uwu take five minute showers
#i was hoping like 'if u have to purchase plastic this is the least harmful shit' not. this goddamn nonsense#if u ask me to calculate my carbon footprint im throwing u out the door#gigi.txt#this is not how it WORKS like on one hand i hate the ppl who are like uwuuwuwu well its the big corporATIONS ruining everything#and its like. i mean yeah. but your lifestyle will have to drastically change u realize that like the western hyperconsumerism that happens#will. need to change.#i mentioned to my sister once that u should wear each item of clothing 30 times and she laughed and was like 'thats so unreasonable'#'i could never do that for a lot of my clothes' okay stop fucking buying more then#but on the other hand the ppl who act like if everyone 'reduces their carbon footprint!!!' and 'takes shorter showers!!!' and shit like#thats not gonna fucking save us. are u joking.#im gonna go read some fucking naomi klein
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said it a million times but “We’ll Never Have Sex” is THEE asheiji song.
#hey if you’re reading this and you don’t know what banana fish is#RUN#DONT READ IT#DONT WATCH IT#SAVE YOURSELF#no piece of media has GENUINELY ruined my life like that#it was my Roman Empire for TWO YEARS!!!#TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!#i still can’t look at red converse or cape cod the same#or blond men#or New York City#it’s the only thing I’ve ever read where I genuinely screamed out loud in horror at something happening#it was the prison scene btw#i went into it totally blind btw which is why it effected me so drastically#I STILL CANT EXPERIENCE HALLOWEEN THE SAME#HE! WAS! SCARED! OF! PUMPKINS!!!#going to kms#i also read the manga cause I didn’t have access to the anime#which is REALLY BAD#the author just fucking hates ash#‘he deserved to die because he killed people!!!’#I’m going to kill YOU#everyone he killed literally deserved it#he should’ve killed MORE people actually. as a treat.#asheiji#banana fish#ash lynx#banana fish fics are my go to if I want to cry so hard I get sick btw#there was one and the title was from mitskis your best American girl and it was SO FUCKING GOOD HOLY SHIT
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well whoever it was who tried to switch in is gone i think. hashtag slay moment
#dont rb#neg#God i'm so fucking. frustrated.#other people are able to either keep their fucking identity together#or have a system that can chip in but i'm fucking neither#i'm dissociating somewhere and nothing is coming back to me#i'm not escaping anything my body is just having meltdowns from the pain of switching#and nothing is happening. they don't talk to me they only want to switch out in hyperspecific circumstances#they ruin everything and then go and i'm just stuck here#i didn't know it was possible to harbor this much hate towards something but i utterly despise all of them. klavier and dahlia and the rest#because whenever i desperately need them they don't show up#and they only fucking bother to appear when it makes no sense#every couple of months after abandoning me#instead of simulating an experience to help me with abandonment trauma i just got alters that repeatedly leave me instead#so maybe i'll get desensitized to the act of someone deciding i'm not fucking worth it#well that's not working. and God i'm so pissed at my therapist too#nobody believes me. nobody fucking believes me.#i have a fic to post. whatever. whatever.#i hope i never see their fucking faces again because i might be compelled to do something drastic to get them out.#fucking assholes.
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ITS JUST ONE THING AFTER ANOTHERRRRR
#my moms house caught fireee . EVERY MONTH SOMETHING HAPPENS!!!!!!#So crazy how things can be ruined in 1 instant like that. everything can change drastically in mere moments.#2023 has been the year the world teaches me this lesson. arguably too much#if its not your grandma dying or your car being totaled its a housefire. am i right guys ? Haha. ha. Ha .#broadcasts
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