#they make me so ill i cant even express it
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I tried to make a fake SFV screenshot for if Echo had a story mode definitely not my usual shading style but I gave it my best attempt!
#my art#street fighter#m. bison#oc: echo#i am actually so insanely proud of this???#i may have to do more softer shading on occasion#they make me so ill i cant even express it#gonna be looking at this all night ugdhfksk#oc x canon stuff#i just yeah#sorry for the rambling this is one of my more ambitious works#i’m not used to feeling this proud over stuff
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Realized this while playing Birushana. Tomomori. You know.
#birushana#birushana rising flower of genpei#otome#wizardess heart#shall we date#blanking on what other morally controversial otome games ive played#but seriously that trope of “im lowkey obsessed with the heroine and even seeing the hate in her eyes as she looks at me is perfect.”#to “i would love to see what other expressions i could bring her to make-”#ALL the way to the final installment of “oh. when she smiles.. when shes happy.. and looks at me with such happiness?#that is the best expression she has ever made. she looks beautiful like that... everything else pales in comparison- no.#i actually dont care to see her tears or to have her look at me in anger ever again.“#and just. falling in love with her happiness and doing everything they can to make her smile and laugh among other things??#because they feel really good doing it??#sorry i know thats common with villain love interests but im REALLY a sucker for it okay i cant help it#but also no seriously what other games like this have i played again?? i havent played any of the villain routes in hakuouki yet#but i feel like this trope is probably in there so.#hakuouki#JUST THE LOOK OF SURPRISE ON THE LOVE INTEREST'S FACE WHEN THEY SEE THE PROTAG SMILE AT THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME#AFTER ONLY EVER PREVIOUSLY SHOWING FEAR OR HATE#I LOVE IT AAUUUGHHH#oh!! thats right!#steam prison#paradigm paradox#piofiore#BECAUSE YANG I FUVKING LOVE YANG EVEN THOUGH HES AWFUL UGH#even if tempest#ill tag that in here too bc Tyril was that way for a hot second in the beginning of his route/timeline when he was first meeting Anastasia#i definitely know theres more but damn#anyway#we support character development in this house
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everyday i constantly think of masato's wheelchair and if that's his only one/main one no wonder he's so pissed at everyone
#snap chats#someone pointed this out to me like last year so im stealing it sorry cause I Think Of It Constantly#the handling of masato's disability will forever annoy me esp with how vague it is but esp his chair#one day ill draw masato with an appropriate wheelchair. maybe then he'll be happy for once#in a way i guess it could tie into how restricted or trapped he felt since the type of chair he's shown is more like. a hospital one#and not one youd really use as a regular user- like in that vein it is a bit of storytelling in that he can ONLY go out with help#since hospital chairs are SO much different from home chairs ESPECIALLY in regards to mobility and independence the user has#AND NOT TO MENTION HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THOSE CHAIRS ARE get his ass a proper cushion P L E A S E#like it portrays the idea that its unfathomable for him to go anywhere on his own and so in that vein . Interesting Storytelling#theres a lot of implications going on here if im so honest and again it makes for Really Interesting Story Telling#however i refuse to give rgg credit like that when it comes to disabilities. ... they havent earned that from me yet#see this is why the vagueness of his condition annoys me because he's shown to be independent enough to roll himself to his elevator#and presumably get himself dressed but he cant have a proper chair ?#because ik there are people who have expressed they have conditions where even writing is tiring#so if his condition was in-line with that and it was hard for him to push himself in his chair then i could buy it#obviously the issue lies with his lungs but i just want to know the full extent yk...#to wrap this up tho ive been thinking of character design in rgg and how we dont give credit to it enough#sooooo if i make a second post ten minutes from now thats why cause i keep forgetting to spam my thoughts on here LMAO#ok bye
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am sad
#ending my werewolf week and i feel like nobody cares me#i had a not so good friday and i cant even express that im tired without my uncle going on a rant that i basically cant be tired#grandma doesnt even know nor cares what my major is#living here makes me feel so miserable and it amplifies my loneliness ×1000#idk man my life is not that bad but i really need a hug rn#no one in my immediate family is picking up the phone. brother has own problems and other brother is too in love to care about anything else#ill just go to bed. have a little cry#etc
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they should invent a period that doesnt make me the most miserable person on earth
#personal#vent#i will never ever ever be able to pass. by the time im able to get top surgery ill probably be like 30 and the earth will have already died#i will only ever be seen as a confused girl or maybe if im lucky as a feminine man . best case scenario someone looks at me and goes#'oh theyre definitely nonbinary' but i will NEVER just . be some guy. ill never just be a person . itll always either be a label or Girl.#im not going to be able to medically transition or fuckin . go out to meet my friends or anything until i move out and i wont#be able to move out for 3 years minimum . meanwhile everyone else will be getting time to spend together and being able to live on their own#and being able to advance in careers they actually like or at least arent completely fucking miserable in and ill probably be stuck at#FUCKING WALMART the entire time because nowhere else will give me the flexible hours i need for school#my most supportive family is always going to live an hour away from me and ill never truly be able to express myself or my frustrations at#home and even if i could i cant even put half of them into words online even when im really trying the correct words are never there#i get to just sit back and watch as my friends actively fuck up their lives but at least they get to make their own decisions#and then i feel awful on top of that because i shouldnt feel envy over my friends lives . we all have it fucked Especially those in my area#im just. so tired
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Wow threats of violence and death woe is me. Bitch it's been like this for years if you hate me kill me already and if you don't plan to just shut that shit spitting asshole mouth of yours.
I have nothing to lose if he actually carried on with it, he'd do me a favour. It's funny to me he thinks he scares me and its even funnier he gets more angry when I laugh.
Bro I got used to your abusive shit, it's another day of you being an aggressive coward to me after I ignored you for months even if you wanted a reaction. I don't give a shit lmao
#misc#i cannot take him seriously#i remember i used to be scared back in 2019 lmao bruh hit me if you dare. ill make sure you never step foot in this house or out of a#jail cell for years#what's funnier is that i dont even talk to him he just attacks me like this because he hates me for no fucking reason other than jealousy.#because weve had the same shared trauma but he fucked himself up on purpose to be pitied and i held on and now im independent#and he hates that he cant have my attention anymore after all the years ive been the one TRYING SO HARD#homecooked meals and covering for his ass. cleaning his piss and puke and lending him money anf shit. listening to hi.#bro didn't even care to be nice the tiniest bit to me when i was on the floor after fainting or vomiting blood or when i needed rest because#i was going to work with a fever 10 hours a day to pay hospital and home bills.#lmfao abusive fuck#out of everyone ive left im glad he can see every day how good im having it since i stopped talking to him. thats why hes angry and follows#me around and stares and curses me out. im just quiet. neutral. no expressions no words. and it pisses him off. good eat your liver out#over it bitch#im leaving in 3 hours anyway lmao
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I'm so fucking tired of ppl assuming I'm a teenage boy I'm not that young and I'm not a guy and it's funny when it happens occasionally and I'm in an amiable mood and idm being a little gnc ik I present somewhat masc even if its not rly intentional and ik my autistic/adhd mannerisms make me come across a little childish sometimes even if im constantly masking at work or in public and I can't control how other ppl perceive me and ik its natural for the human brain to make social assumptions all the time bc there's so much information going in and out it has to process so it automatically categorises shit so I don't mind it happening OCCASIONALLY but I've been getting so fucking many unnecessary comments lately and not just from strangers but ppl I know too and if one more person says some offhand shit to me I'm going to black out and bite until there's blood leave me the fuck ALONE
#got home and im so so so angry its not even that big a deal i dont even get annoyed when it happens every now and then#but these last few weeks ive had a fucking deluge of weird comments abt my age and my gender i dont fucking know why its happening more#and ive had enough im abt to snap. its been on the back of my mind as a vague irritation but it just keeps fucking building#so much stupid shit i cant even list it all here and its not just ppl mistaking me but sometimes going out of their way to be rude#and the fucking misogynistic shit ppl keep saying to me too especially at work please fuck off forever and die#i dont wanna get into it bc ill just get more pissed off im just gonna go cry in the shower and then ill be fine after#probably just feeling it more today bc i didnt take my afternoon meds anyway. altho this isnt the only time its upset me so.#ugh whatever..... its out of my control. and im not gonna go out of my way to try and conform more easily to other ppls ideas of me#bc im comfortable in myself and my body and with how i present so im not going to change that. just tired of dealing with assholes#and im tired of constant misunderstandings its much more than this superficial assumptions abt appearances like ppl who know me keep#making wrong assumptions or miscommunicating or just general poor judgement and that bothers me way more but its much harder to express#so im just getting more angry at the superficial shit as a proxy for it. ugh!!!!#well anyway. hopefully theres enough hot water left for me i want a scalding shower#grinds my teeth so loudly#.diaries#.vent
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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...
#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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Why would you wish your neighbors to fkn die just because they make noise?
gosh some ppl are way too sensitive and cant handle ppl saying anything at all huh
#bc im angry and they are RUINING MY DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY#bc they make noise that wouldnt be heard if they didnt live in next to empty apartments#bc im extremely nosie sensitive and get sensory overload very easily and noise makes me suicidal and homicidal#good for you that you dont care!!!! you are FORTUNATE for not being this heavily affected by noise. you're not better than me. ur lucky#grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it makes me so annoyed that ppl like u just cant handle mentally ill ppl VENTING.#am i sending them death threats? no. am i beating them up? no. am i sending complaints to them? no. i am enduring my suffering#bc we live in a world where nobody cares abt ppl who arent normal. i am in genuine physical pain bc of this everyday#do u think this is fun for me???? do u think i want to be like this? no! i'd kille to be like u who can walk unaffected thru life!!!!!!#do u think i enjoy spending my days in agony just bc noise upsets me? i cant fkn focus on my school work!!!!!!! or anything else!!!!!!!!!#do u know that there is NOTHING i can do? i have to accept a life of daily torment bc im noise sensitive#if society allowed me i'd live in specific apartments designed for noise sensitive ppl. or in a cottage on the countryside#but society dont give a fuck abt ppl who diverge from being normal#also omfg just bc i vent and say i wish they died dont mean i actually genuinely want them to die#why are y'all so black and white?????? why is it so hard to understand that just bc u express smth in anger dont mean u ACTUALLY want it#tbh y'all are too much. and fkn unfair. ppl are actually allowed to vent in anger and let out steam and not suppress their emotions#i have never done anything to cause another person harm. i even have high blood pressure bc im so stressed out yet i never do anything#i have done NOTHING to harm my neighbors. the only thing i do is vent on my blog#do u really think theyre magically gonna die just bc i vent abt it???????#bro fuck off you made me even angrier like if u cant handle ppl expressing ugly thoughts#u and i are not compatible bc *i* know that u need to express things u might not even mean#but u clearly dont and need everyone to be uwu peace and love and perfect so just leave me alone go awayyyyyyyyyyy
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book depository closing down. no nice things allowed.
#i cannot express enough just how much this upsets me#that was the only way for me to get books at affordable price thanks to the free shipping#because the prices here on overseas and indie books are pretty jacked up and the shipping from other websites is also very painful#so no winning#and we're not even mentioning that some books you just cant get here anyway#man im so sad actually heartbroken#they also delivered super fast the catalogue is expansive and the website overall was nice#man im glad i had the chance to pre-order my s/vsss special edition because without book depository i wouldnt had the chance at all#again. no way to get it here and the shipping from other website would make it very unreasonable monetary decision#with how our currency is holding up against others#oh well#guess ill just order t/housand autumns while i still have the chance :(#and light a candle for it#also fpr context i briefly looked why theyre closing and apparently they were bought by amazon in 2011 and now they are making cuts#so bd took the hit#edit. scrolled through the bd tag and seeing other non US/UK ppl heartbroken over it really hits o(-(#saying theyll order a lot now because they most likely wont order books online after that because the shipping just is so much pain#and yea that really do be it huh. man...#like ok i know theres maybe some other website out there that could work out well enough#but this was THE place#good prices and guarantee of quality with how big and long standing it was
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Oh god I need to know it anyone else noticed Nanba and Saeko have a different relationship than she has with anyone else in the group? Plus Ichiban’s most natural flirting is aimed at Zhao even without player input 😭😭😭
nanba and saeko def have a really cute relationship, i adore their interactions immensely (❁´◡`❁)
and lbr ichi's matching zhao's energy alright. insert zhao 'kasuga-kun' compilation here
#snap chats#honestly i love how saeko interacts with everyone- like she never feels like The Girl of the group she just feels like a part of the group#yk what i mean ? like i feel like in a lot of other casts where theres one/few girls they stick out like sore thumbs#because of how the other cast members and the media treats her but with saeko its like#Yeah No She's Here. She's A Girl But That Doesn't Mean Much#like obvi there's some instances like her offering to be a hostess but Tactical Necessity right#and honestly even the party chats she has with everyone are so nice too i love them so much#i love the one where she and adachi are roleplayin having kansai accents that shits so cute and funny#sorry for the impromptu saeko rant i just never express how much i loved her character and contribution to y7#yk whats funny tho as i was walking to my computer i thought about making a nanba post and lo and behold#it wasnt a major one it was just me going 'i cant believe that during my VA ramble i forgot one of my favorite fun facts#and that's greg chun also voices ike from fire emblem' because ike's been My Baby since like. 2008#he's still jason adkins to me </3 but i mean greg chun also voiced luke from shadows of valentia#ok ill stop with the VA talk i promise thats the only one i wanted to update on#thats a lie but i'm forcing myself to stay semi on topic#ichi and zhao are funny too theyre such fuckin goobers#like ichi definitely dicks with zhao the most- or at least zhao matches his energy the most equally imo#Y7's cast and relationships are just top tier thats all i can really say#i love how despite eri being an optional character she still has party chats with everyone#i love eri.... BUT thats a post for another day#im either A.) going to continue trying to figure out how modding works B.) play smash ultimate
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Ugh my face hurts right now I went to the alligator farm and had a lot of fun oh woe is me
#i smile a LOT and it makes my face hurt SO BAD but i get happy over almost everything so unfortunately#i dont have a choice 😮💨#very unfortunate for my face#but alas#i feel like i focus on how angry and miserable i am and forget about how happy i am too sometimes#like yeah im sad a lot of the time but im also really happy a lot of the time#i do not exist in a vacuum#where only one emotion exists#no matter how much it feels that way sometimes#like yeah i find it really hard to get up and do even the easiest things sometimes#but sometimes i also get so happy i have to get up and be productive because i just get so excited#i have a lot of extremes and theyre not all bad#and i forget that a lot#i love smiling with my whole face because i just need to express how utterly ecstatic i am but it makes me look like a frog#but i hope it lets everyone know just how happy i am just to be near them to the point where it doesnt even matter if i look like a frog#i think frogs could be the happiest animals sometimes#cause they look the way i do when im so excited it feels like my happiess is splintering my bones and radiating out of me#and i cant keep it in or ill explode#i do restrain myself from jumping around or stimming or anything like that#but sometimes i allow myself a little bit of foot kicking#or giggling
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having a whats the point of it day
#.txt#ill be fine im just struggling and need to vent#but man whats the point. i cant keep things clean. i cant get my shit together. i can barely even try and be healthy#i hate almost every emotion i have because i dont feel like im ever expressing it right or feeling it right#and im probably not bc awtism#im so tired again all the time#every couple of months i get like this and im like ill be better we can get things together#and i do one thing and then let it all build up again#i want to be better but i barely have the energy to be good#i get upset and angry at myself so easy and i want to hit myself but thats bad#i feel like im faking it all anyways and its not that hard. that im just being a baby#so its fucking stupid to feel like this anyways#but if i cant get around it then whats the god damn point!!!#my day off and im spending it trying not to cry in bed#i was gonna get up and go to the park but whats the point. im just gonna go back to sleep like i always do#and waste my life#and somehow still be tired after and make everything bad#whatever maybe when i stop crying ill clean something and pretend it makes me feel better#upsetting andrew with this lol. love being the worst <3
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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can’t stop thinking about him (peter parker and his ANGER and these lyrics-)
#makes me fucking bonkers and i cant express exactly why in a photo edit i CANT#im aware that im cartwheeling through conclusions BUT LISTEN. LISTEN TO M-#‘if clarity’s in death then why won’t this die?’ is SO peter and quentin literally ruining his life i do not even have to explain that#also just change girlhood to childhood and i . I- 😀#peter vc: i am normal and not full of rage towards quentin beck and norman osborn#🕸 ❝ i have nothing left… except spider man ❞ → ooc#the thing with being ill over peter parker and taylor swift is there ARE options for what ur looking for but None Of Them Get The Vision >:(
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