#they make me so ill i cant even express it
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
Mobile US users spent an average of 115.8 minutes on Tumblr app monthly.
Text
I tried to make a fake SFV screenshot for if Echo had a story mode definitely not my usual shading style but I gave it my best attempt!
#my art#street fighter#m. bison#oc: echo#i am actually so insanely proud of this???#i may have to do more softer shading on occasion#they make me so ill i cant even express it#gonna be looking at this all night ugdhfksk#oc x canon stuff#i just yeah#sorry for the rambling this is one of my more ambitious works#i’m not used to feeling this proud over stuff
68 notes
·
View notes
Text
Realized this while playing Birushana. Tomomori. You know.
#birushana#birushana rising flower of genpei#otome#wizardess heart#shall we date#blanking on what other morally controversial otome games ive played#but seriously that trope of “im lowkey obsessed with the heroine and even seeing the hate in her eyes as she looks at me is perfect.”#to “i would love to see what other expressions i could bring her to make-”#ALL the way to the final installment of “oh. when she smiles.. when shes happy.. and looks at me with such happiness?#that is the best expression she has ever made. she looks beautiful like that... everything else pales in comparison- no.#i actually dont care to see her tears or to have her look at me in anger ever again.“#and just. falling in love with her happiness and doing everything they can to make her smile and laugh among other things??#because they feel really good doing it??#sorry i know thats common with villain love interests but im REALLY a sucker for it okay i cant help it#but also no seriously what other games like this have i played again?? i havent played any of the villain routes in hakuouki yet#but i feel like this trope is probably in there so.#hakuouki#JUST THE LOOK OF SURPRISE ON THE LOVE INTEREST'S FACE WHEN THEY SEE THE PROTAG SMILE AT THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME#AFTER ONLY EVER PREVIOUSLY SHOWING FEAR OR HATE#I LOVE IT AAUUUGHHH#oh!! thats right!#steam prison#paradigm paradox#piofiore#BECAUSE YANG I FUVKING LOVE YANG EVEN THOUGH HES AWFUL UGH#even if tempest#ill tag that in here too bc Tyril was that way for a hot second in the beginning of his route/timeline when he was first meeting Anastasia#i definitely know theres more but damn#anyway#we support character development in this house
43 notes
·
View notes
Text
the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
everyday i constantly think of masato's wheelchair and if that's his only one/main one no wonder he's so pissed at everyone
#snap chats#someone pointed this out to me like last year so im stealing it sorry cause I Think Of It Constantly#the handling of masato's disability will forever annoy me esp with how vague it is but esp his chair#one day ill draw masato with an appropriate wheelchair. maybe then he'll be happy for once#in a way i guess it could tie into how restricted or trapped he felt since the type of chair he's shown is more like. a hospital one#and not one youd really use as a regular user- like in that vein it is a bit of storytelling in that he can ONLY go out with help#since hospital chairs are SO much different from home chairs ESPECIALLY in regards to mobility and independence the user has#AND NOT TO MENTION HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THOSE CHAIRS ARE get his ass a proper cushion P L E A S E#like it portrays the idea that its unfathomable for him to go anywhere on his own and so in that vein . Interesting Storytelling#theres a lot of implications going on here if im so honest and again it makes for Really Interesting Story Telling#however i refuse to give rgg credit like that when it comes to disabilities. ... they havent earned that from me yet#see this is why the vagueness of his condition annoys me because he's shown to be independent enough to roll himself to his elevator#and presumably get himself dressed but he cant have a proper chair ?#because ik there are people who have expressed they have conditions where even writing is tiring#so if his condition was in-line with that and it was hard for him to push himself in his chair then i could buy it#obviously the issue lies with his lungs but i just want to know the full extent yk...#to wrap this up tho ive been thinking of character design in rgg and how we dont give credit to it enough#sooooo if i make a second post ten minutes from now thats why cause i keep forgetting to spam my thoughts on here LMAO#ok bye
17 notes
·
View notes
Text
am sad
#ending my werewolf week and i feel like nobody cares me#i had a not so good friday and i cant even express that im tired without my uncle going on a rant that i basically cant be tired#grandma doesnt even know nor cares what my major is#living here makes me feel so miserable and it amplifies my loneliness ×1000#idk man my life is not that bad but i really need a hug rn#no one in my immediate family is picking up the phone. brother has own problems and other brother is too in love to care about anything else#ill just go to bed. have a little cry#etc
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
they should invent a period that doesnt make me the most miserable person on earth
#personal#vent#i will never ever ever be able to pass. by the time im able to get top surgery ill probably be like 30 and the earth will have already died#i will only ever be seen as a confused girl or maybe if im lucky as a feminine man . best case scenario someone looks at me and goes#'oh theyre definitely nonbinary' but i will NEVER just . be some guy. ill never just be a person . itll always either be a label or Girl.#im not going to be able to medically transition or fuckin . go out to meet my friends or anything until i move out and i wont#be able to move out for 3 years minimum . meanwhile everyone else will be getting time to spend together and being able to live on their own#and being able to advance in careers they actually like or at least arent completely fucking miserable in and ill probably be stuck at#FUCKING WALMART the entire time because nowhere else will give me the flexible hours i need for school#my most supportive family is always going to live an hour away from me and ill never truly be able to express myself or my frustrations at#home and even if i could i cant even put half of them into words online even when im really trying the correct words are never there#i get to just sit back and watch as my friends actively fuck up their lives but at least they get to make their own decisions#and then i feel awful on top of that because i shouldnt feel envy over my friends lives . we all have it fucked Especially those in my area#im just. so tired
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
This is a difficult post for me to make, but to anyone whos commissioned me and is waiting on it, it may take a little longer than I wanted. My cat, Sammy, passed away last night and its really taking a toll on me and my mental health. Its difficult to work through but I'll be doing my best. Thank you for the patience so far with it all, and I'm sorry to ask for more of that patience. Thank you for understanding. Let me know if theres any issues regarding the wait, sorry again.
#cant guarantee ill be on top of my game. yknow#he passed in my arms#he was well loved but he was sick and there wasnt much else we could do#its been weighing heavy on me since he got sick but having him pass in my arms on the way to the vet was horrible. i cant#even begin to express how devastated i am. he was my baby. my youngest cat. but he always had health issues yknow?#i guess it was inevitable but it all feels like a bad dream#idk. sorry guys#im used to death. used to grieving. but it still doesnt feel real. or right#the last time we experienced a pet death was for our realllly old childhood dog. she lived a long time#my sammers was so young.#he deserved so much more time. he was so loving and sweet. and he had little fangs and tufts on his ears.#and hed lay over my boots when i came in the room. hed curl up against my legs and purr like a motor.#hed always be making biscuits when he saw people. with his big paws. they felt so big compared to his long lanky little body.#misha and rin (our other two cats that were around him most) have been laying with me for hours. rin slept on me all night#misha slept in sammys cat bed. like he knew#idk. im sorry#ig ill tag this for any triggers#pet death#animal death#sorry.again thank you all for being patient with me. i have unending guilt. im sorry#seraph.txt#if anyone has questions or comments youre welcome to comment or reach out. ill try and reach out too.sorry
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house
hey, whats up w/that?
#whenever we ‘hang out’ he likes 2 make the topic as depressing as possible by always talking abiut the past#& it is the most annoying shit ever i will not lie BC I DONT WANT 2 TALK ABOUT DEATH & THE ABUSE EVERY TIME I SPEAK 2 U#yk? thag makes sense in my head#anyways he started talking abiut how terrified he was when i had ran away multiple times a couple yrs ago & when i say a couple i mean#i have no idea how long ago bc memory is a bitch#but it had 2 b like middle school - sophmore?#multiple times & like i just wanna shake him bc LITERLLY WHAT & WHO DO U THINK I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM#GODDAMNN I H8 BING THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE WHO CAN EXPRESS EMOTIONS & NOT LET THEM EFFECT HOW I VIEW THE OTHER#‘oh u ran in the park u ran in the park’ i didnt run in the fuckinggppaaarrkrkkkk AAAAAAAAAA I MET A NICE LADY WHO HAD A GOAT IN THE#SPARTMENTS I FRIECIENTED OFTEN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER#i cant express how safe the goddamn goat lady & her kid made me feel vs my parents who started hunting 4 me#like ive been dragged home so many times im not going through that shit again#i miss the goat the mom & the kid we were just chilling @ like midnight 4 a bit#did this turn in2 a vent? idk#i do this a lot ill prolly delete this soonish when im kore calm#bc rn i want 2 chuck bricks in my laundry machine & watch them fly out & hit whatever#im going back 2 watching anime if i have 2 talk 2 1 other person i will actually explode#like irl person not online the silly gay ppl in my phone r super cool & amazing & i love them#im srry 4 bing a dick btw#i cant explain it i mean i could but i cant im just my brain is telling me eveyr1 h8s me & MAN i h8 it when it does#so im just frightened & by golly & am i havign a cheery time yipyipyip#typing in tags is sm easier than in a post bc i dont think most ppl read tags lol#the more i think about my past the more i wonder wtf am i doing here#bc how did i even get out of the house in the 1st place & then ontop of that was able 2 hide#like what……#bc they were fucking grabbing me n shit & they have CARS like i didnt go in the park i walked the sidewalks HOW DID I MOT GET CAUGHT??#MULTIPLE TIMES??? LIKE I ‘ran away’ MULTIPLE TIMES#i didnt exactly run away tho bc i didnt want them 2 file police shit i didnt eant 2 deal w/that & also hirt the pll i stayed over w/#so i always went back. obviously blehhh#ug hj hhhh my heads hurting again this is like the 4th day in a row :((
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm part of an Unknown Armies campaign run by my girlfriend, and it's driven me to strange madness. Today I made a conspiracy board for it. I've made memes. I'm painting a map of the setting. I started writing a novella loosely based off of my character, which feels like fanfiction. There's an NPC I'm in love with and her existence makes me want to create fan content. I've never created fan content before, for anything. I'm considering writing fanfic for Blorbo from my girlfriend's head, that's where we're at right now. What is going on
#we're like three sessions in#its just making me want to be so creative but only for that stuff#like my brain has been lightly puzzling out how to do a map from the setting but in knitting#because painting the mao hasnt been enough for me i want a fucking commemorative hand knit tapestry#and theres a character i love so much. shes a sweetie and autistic in my heart#ive never made fanart bcuz i cant draw. luckily another player is so good and does art of her#but my heart wabts to do fanart of her#i write. so ive considered trying fanfic writing for this specific thing#ive never written fanfic before. idek where to start. but the urge is in my heart becaue i love this character!!#i spent a whole fucking hour today going through my session notes and putting together a digital conspiracy board for this#(cuz its a mystery. im trying to figure out the mystery)#conspiracy board didnt help but i sure had fun making it#since i developed mental illness i haven't had a fraction of this creativity!! what is happening to me??#im not upset its just strange. it feels like my brain has been rinsed with cold water and did some stretches#the maintenance person in there had a moment of adhd motivation and deep cleaned it#i show my gf all of the things. like i send her the shitty memes i make mostly bcuz she inspires them#and i expressed my desire to make fan content which she approved. even though i havent those types of talent#i want to get back to painting the map tho ive been neglecting it#i have 10.000 words written for a novella that was inspired by one piece of backstory for my character that my gf thought of#idk this campaign just gives me the brain lightning
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Wow threats of violence and death woe is me. Bitch it's been like this for years if you hate me kill me already and if you don't plan to just shut that shit spitting asshole mouth of yours.
I have nothing to lose if he actually carried on with it, he'd do me a favour. It's funny to me he thinks he scares me and its even funnier he gets more angry when I laugh.
Bro I got used to your abusive shit, it's another day of you being an aggressive coward to me after I ignored you for months even if you wanted a reaction. I don't give a shit lmao
#misc#i cannot take him seriously#i remember i used to be scared back in 2019 lmao bruh hit me if you dare. ill make sure you never step foot in this house or out of a#jail cell for years#what's funnier is that i dont even talk to him he just attacks me like this because he hates me for no fucking reason other than jealousy.#because weve had the same shared trauma but he fucked himself up on purpose to be pitied and i held on and now im independent#and he hates that he cant have my attention anymore after all the years ive been the one TRYING SO HARD#homecooked meals and covering for his ass. cleaning his piss and puke and lending him money anf shit. listening to hi.#bro didn't even care to be nice the tiniest bit to me when i was on the floor after fainting or vomiting blood or when i needed rest because#i was going to work with a fever 10 hours a day to pay hospital and home bills.#lmfao abusive fuck#out of everyone ive left im glad he can see every day how good im having it since i stopped talking to him. thats why hes angry and follows#me around and stares and curses me out. im just quiet. neutral. no expressions no words. and it pisses him off. good eat your liver out#over it bitch#im leaving in 3 hours anyway lmao
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
book depository closing down. no nice things allowed.
#i cannot express enough just how much this upsets me#that was the only way for me to get books at affordable price thanks to the free shipping#because the prices here on overseas and indie books are pretty jacked up and the shipping from other websites is also very painful#so no winning#and we're not even mentioning that some books you just cant get here anyway#man im so sad actually heartbroken#they also delivered super fast the catalogue is expansive and the website overall was nice#man im glad i had the chance to pre-order my s/vsss special edition because without book depository i wouldnt had the chance at all#again. no way to get it here and the shipping from other website would make it very unreasonable monetary decision#with how our currency is holding up against others#oh well#guess ill just order t/housand autumns while i still have the chance :(#and light a candle for it#also fpr context i briefly looked why theyre closing and apparently they were bought by amazon in 2011 and now they are making cuts#so bd took the hit#edit. scrolled through the bd tag and seeing other non US/UK ppl heartbroken over it really hits o(-(#saying theyll order a lot now because they most likely wont order books online after that because the shipping just is so much pain#and yea that really do be it huh. man...#like ok i know theres maybe some other website out there that could work out well enough#but this was THE place#good prices and guarantee of quality with how big and long standing it was
8 notes
·
View notes