#they make me physically ill (positive)
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"A pretty sight"
Loved drawing these two ocs from @pastel-medic ToT They are so cute and you should defo go check out their art cos it is amazing. I love these two so much
#team fortress 2#tf2#tf2 art#tf2 spy#my art#digital art#tf2 fanart#tf2 medic#team fortress 2 fanart#freak fortress#tf2 oc art#they make me physically ill#positive I swear#gentle surgery
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If you are still taking art requests, could you possibly do one of V x Thad? Its a ship I really like that isnt really that popular.
So what if you're a ghost of yourself?
You can haunt me.
[Requests are closed!]
#the caption is a reference to a post by notquiteaghost!!! I would link it but I don't want to go digging for it XP#they make me physically ill (positive)#I had to go full analysis mode on these two to figure out what i wanted to draw for this request and AUGH I love them!!!!!#the tender. soft. violence. as a flame is both dangerous and warm.#āI don't need you to be the antonym of violence. If I did I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't ask that of youā#vhad is about loving someone broken and loving them as they are!!!! not who they were before or who they could be but who they are now!!!#if i was a fic writer id be dangerous#anyway yeah these two got me into rarepairs. thanks for the request (sorry its completely self indulgent for me sdkjfsf)#murder drones#murder drones thad#serial designation v#vhad#killingblonde#<-- love that shipname it sounds like a horror movie lol#also if you want a real good vhad fic āThey Came From Copper 9!ā by doodlingNutjob is one of my faves#theres not alotta fics but yknow
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every time i think about lottie and the bear i feel a little like i want to throw up
#oh my goddddd#i hate them so much slash positive#like#they make me physically ill#lottielee#lottielee come home
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Hey. More anti and bravo ship art.
I thought this would be a fun idea, inspiration image included because i stole it off my dash
#mutedeclipse#digital art#shitpost#ship art#anti bravoman#bravoman#this ship makes me physically ill (positive)#i want to see them kiss more. i wish there were other people to draw them kissing#hhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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So bonkers how my general ability to do tasks has changed since new playlist and tv show. No longer pulled into spending one million hours stuck on The Apps either, Iām doing things. The power of feeling happy and excitedā¦ā¦.
āsilly. but Iāll take it!!!!!!!!!!
#Iāve also actually been switching my brain off to rest too or it feels like it. maybe the key is enjoying breaks so I can task switch more#easily. IDK! I think part of it is that life just feels easier when you feel happy instead of somewhat desperate and like the world is out#of reach š
#anyway Iām doing good š if I can work out how to feel like this often then that would be so nice.#flip side is kind of bleak post that I have Not been doing well and things are not good for. a while. but Iāve been staying afloat!!!! and#u know Iām constantly putting effort in!!!!!!!#if that effort had guaranteed benefits then wow. we would be in a different stratosphere hahahaha#like I know what the problem is! being ill all da time and not being able to leave the house or socialise or do stuff thatās fun and#interesting and novel and fulfilling is so bad for you. alas. the disabilities.#another drs appt next week though!!!! hoping the new tests and referral to new specialists gets approved no problem! š¤#u know I am doing everything in my power to make a positive chance thatās also physically possible for me! even if Iām coming at it with#very little expertise or ideas of whatās out there! thereās gotta be more options! thereās gotta be someone who can help or#at least explain more!#even if they get to the bottom of things better and say itās never gonna get better. maybe I can be eligible for more support then!#itās gonna be okay!!!!!!!
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oh tired by langston hughes we're really in it now
#i love that poem it makes me physically ill (positive)#kinda want it tattooed on my leg but i dunno much about langston hughes
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Heyo!! :D uhh I was just thinking about prompts!! I have two that I've just been thinking of! You can do one or the other, I don't mind ^^ Yuno with Blanket (if you havent done that yet :o) and Muu and Yuno with Honesty :D
Thank you so much :D!! Your writing is so funky I love reading it, it's like my daily newspaper abejfncjcn
Hi Mug :D thank you so much aah!! I really loved these combos, that's so sweet for both of them ;-; Here's Yuno and Blanket -- something lighthearted from the beginning of t1, with a bit of her unfortunate people-pleasing habits.
āRequests are in!ā Mikotoās voice sang from down the corridor. The prisoners perked up from where theyād been lazing about. One would have thought he'd announced a jailbreak with the amount of energy that rippled through the room. Yuno leapt to her feet.
"You seem excited," Kazui chuckled as he stood. "What are you getting?"
She suddenly felt a twinge of shame for her reaction. Things werenāt bad in Milgram by any means, but the atmosphere was beginning to creep under her skin now and then. There was an old comfort sheād been dreaming of the past few weeks. It felt embarrassing to say to someone as concerned with his maturity as Kazui.Ā
"Oh, nothing much,ā she said. āJust something that reminds me of home, like the cigarettes you ordered." She didnāt know him well enough to say so, but she was secretly grateful for his request. The smell of smoke was familiar to her as well. "But mostly it's something new around here -- isn't the whole thing exciting?"Ā
It was the first time theyād received a delivery, and everyone was eager to see if they got what they ordered. Though Yuno found the system surprising, it made sense. Milgram allowed more unique freedoms than a normal prison, given it also inflicted more unique restraints.Ā
She joined the group heading down the hall, all chattering in anticipation.Ā
"Yuno!" Mahiru waved her over. The woman had talked about the products and creams she'd requested, in the hope of keeping up her skincare routine. Yuno would be following suit soon, though she wanted those things to keep herself feeling refreshed rather than looking a certain way. There was no one here to impress. With her looks, that was.
Mahiruās eyes gleamed. "What did you order?"
Yuno knew she wouldn't satisfy her appetite for gossip as much as Shidou testing his luck with medical supplies or Amaneās taste in high-level study materials had.Ā
"Something real cute~" was all she needed to say to get her giggling.Ā
Es instructed them to line up in front of their room to distribute everything. Yuno found her place behind Haruka.Ā
"Hey, hey! What are you getting?" She wasn't immune from that same gossipy curiosityā¦
His cheeks immediately reddened. "Uh, well, I h-hope I can get some c-candy. It -- I mean, it's kiddish, I know."
"Don't worry, some might think my request is childish, haha! Plus, I think Muu ordered sweets, too."
This seemed to calm him a bit as he walked ahead. Fuuta nudged her from behind.
"Oi, what did you ask for?"
She'd overheard him and Kotoko discussing what would likely be caught as a tool to escape, and knew her answer would disappoint him.
The bright smile sheād given Haruka angled into a more jaded smirk. "Eh, just something to get me through the night, you know? A practical comfort."
Fuuta grunted, respecting the choice.Ā
Her attention returned to the front of the line, where Haruka was returning with loose treats spilling from his hands. She took his place in Es' doorway.
"Prisoner 002," Es scanned a piece of paper. "For youā¦ ah,ā They read it again. āJust a blanket? Was that all?"Ā
She beamed. "Yup! Just a blanket."Ā
āYou strike me as the kind to ask for a lotā¦ā
āMmm, youāve read me well, Warden! Not this time, though. Gotta start small, then see what I can weasel out of you!ā She winked.Ā As usual, Es pretended to be unimpressed. Yuno knew she was wearing them down, bit by bit.
She offered a bouncy bow as Es handed it over. She hadnāt given many specifications, but it certainly looked as big and fluffy as she had hoped. Milgram had gone with pink -- the same shade as some of her uniform accents.Ā
"Thanks!"Ā
The prisoners' excitement died down fairly quickly afterwards. Amane began reading in silence. Kazui retreated to the smoking room alone, though Shidou and Mikoto promised to join him after the next round of requests. Haruka had nearly finished eating all of his candy by nightfall. Kotoko sat by herself to jot things down in her new notebook. Yunoās good mood lasted much later.Ā
Once the bell had rung and silence fell onto the prison, she could feel the usual chill start to creep into her cell. It had gripped her with fear the first few nights -- that unshakable coldness that reminded her why she was here in the first place. Sometimes, when her body jolted her awake with the feeling of falling, she'd blame it on the temperature rather than a universal human experience. It brought up too many painful memories to be something so ordinary, after all.
But not tonight.Ā
Tonight there would be no falling, and no chill. No stepping into bed with enough skin showing to make her shiver. No more crafted conversations or flashing certain expressions.
A goofy grin spread across her cheeks. Yuno unfolded the blanket with a flourish. She swept it around her body, then flopped down on her bedding. With nothing more to worry about, she sank into the cushy blob.
āJust a blanketā her ass. This was the warmest sheād felt in a very long time.
#milgram#yuno kashiki#and others but shes the focus#thanks pal!! this made me so happy :))) it was so fun!#sorry if the tone is all over the place -- ive stared at it too long this weekend and i cant tell RIP#i wanted it to be cute and have some chill t1 vibes#and when youre homesick or just really going through it even the smallest physical comforts can be a huge deal#but also shes So Deep in the habit of changing herself to please others while also goin through it ;--;#i wanted to include my hc that when she gets that body-falling feeling its even more stressful because... well...#i hope you enjoy!!#ill be posting the honesty one soon -- i wanted to today but work completely fried my brain into scrampled egg -_-#i know i can do one or the other but i always get so imspired by both asdfsdfs#i have an idea and definitely want to keep running with it!#a liar and someone whos a bit too honest...#oh and i forgot to mention that the smell of smoke thing was mentioned in one of the timeline conversations!#she likes it but she never elaborates on why#im projecting because i really like the smell of cigarette smoke because it reminds me of my grandfather so i think itd make her think of#home/family :')#i couldn't remember if it was an interrogation question or timeline but im almost positive it was the latter#drabbles
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#genuinely i don't actually hate my current position even tho obvs im angling for something better#this dude is making things unbearable for me tho. just. misogynist caveman. i can't stand him and i dread getting stuck alone w him#hate him#anyways he's upgraded to straight up shoulder checking me literally every time he walks by me the fucking creep#and like ok maybe now that he's being physically aggressive in the workplace he can actually be dealt with#but i still have to deal w him tonight and idk when else for the foreseeable future#i need to fake an illness immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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#its been a long while since ive made one of these posts#want to preface it by saying im okay#im just going through a lot#this whole school year has been really awful#its just been constant one thing after the other#most recently i got bit by a student and sent to the hospital bc it swelled so much#im fine its mostly just some really bad bruising now (and no broken skin)#its just been frustrating when i cant do things like normal because of the pain#ive also got other things going on that i wont get into#but im just feeling very emotionally drained and physically exhausting#i keep pushing through and trying to act like everything is fine#but its taking its toll on me#im struggling to keep it together this week but i know i need to#ive cried on the way to work two days in a row now and i have a feeling tomorrow will be a third#its just hard to make myself go there when im surrounded by so much negativity#but i honestly love my job#and i know ill be fine#things are just difficult right now and i have to keep looking for the good things#being out in the sun helps so ive been doing a lot of that#and ive been trying to look at the positive sides of things when i can#i just feel like i shouldnt let my feelings be so big bc it feels selfish right now#anyway#i just needed to put this all down in words somewhere#it helps to get it out#thanks to anyone who actually read this#i hope youre doing well š#delete later#late night ramblings#probably delete in morning#this whole thing is a mess
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The universe saw fit to gift my grandmother with a lovely case of covid for Christmas because of course it fucking did, so the past few days have been, uh...
Busy.
#personal#she's not in the hospital- she did end up going to urgent care on the 25th but they sent her home.#she did not TELL US she was going to urgent care we found out via whatsapp from my aunt#who'd been trying to coordinate a family zoom call and was informed by my granddad 'later. we're#at the hospital now'.#why did they not call and ask us to drive given that we live TEN MINUTES AWAY and granddad shouldn't be driving at the best of times?#that i could not tell you. something about 'not wanting to inconvenience-' which is insane#dad and i have been going up to try and get everything we can done for them since then#nana's been granddad's caretaker since he got diagnosed but anyone who's had covid can tell you it takes fucking EVERYTHING out of you#to just fucking walk around. im off work till the 9th thank god so i can be there as often as required but even so...#I have a sense that i should probably be freaking the fuck out but mostly im just... calm? it's not a happy calm idk what emotion this is#but it definitely isn't positive- but im not panicking. i feel like new bad info does not surprise me anymore it's just kind of a grit-your-#teeth-and-adjust-to-handle-shit deal. like. 'mm. god shits in our collective dinner once again. figures.'#there's no point in flying off the handle just figuring out how to fix things. im not happy but im... steady i guess?#im resigned and bitter and optimistic until im given proof not to be but mostly what i am is tired. not physically just-#my brain feels like a wrung out dishcloth. i keep trying to write because i know it'll make me happy if i can but its not working.#i keep writing paragraphs of shit that aren't matching up with what i want and if somebody gives me some meaningless platitude about#how maybe it's a sign it should be there and to try and incorporate it ill rip their face off. shut. up.
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not sure if tumblr is being tumblr or if i've been dumped by a beloved mutual with no idea what i did wrong
#i wasn't paying a lot of attention bc of family drama + physical illness + mental illness and noticed a day or so ago that i#hadn't seen them on my dash recently so i went to their blog and i wasn't following them anymore#so i followed them again and messaged them and now today i'm not following them apparently#idk if thats on purpose or not#if it is the only thing i can think is that i messaged when i wasn't positive they were taking messages yet#something they had requested people not do for awhile for mental health stuff#so maybe i fucked up there#but otherwise i am at a loss#and tbh really heartbroken about it if it was on purpose#and they had two posts about tumblr and unfollowing and one was how it was dumb for making people unfollow them but the other was how#someone messaged them that they didn't want to hear from ever again#and i dont have timestamps#so#but they werent following me either#so i guess the problem is me??#quelle surprise#it always is#but i like to at least know why i'm being left#its bad hours of the night / morning and i just discovered i'm still KING at being left#i was just thinking the other day that this hadn't happened in awhile and apparently the universe took that as a challenge#my hope its a glitch paired with my lifelong abandonment issues = a weird unpleasant state of being#maison speaks
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#both have their negative and positive effects#if my friend attacks them ill be satisfied. but I'll have to stress about them posting more stuff about me#and stress has an impact on my physical health since I'm still in recovery#if i dont do anything this will just make me mad as fuck cause they think theyre in the right when theyre not#however it saves me time from more drama
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work is going to kind of suck for the next month (?) because i'll have to be training two people at a position that takes 2 weeks each to train at, one after the other (why they didn't do this training BEFORE, when they mentioned it MONTHS AGO, so i could REST between training periods, instead of waiting until the last minute before i go on vacation, i'll NEVER KNOW!!!!)
but it means my feet are going to fucking HURT because i'll have to spend all day everyday for the next month walking on hard concrete, doing a frustrating job that always leaves me incredibly tired, with people i don't particularly want to spend my entire workday with
so
i do apologize if the complaints ramp up in this upcoming month, but i will try my best to not complain too often v-v
#meg speaks#this position always makes me REALLY PHYSICALLY TIRED and i usually only have to do it once a week. for reference.#so now i have to do it against my will for FOUR WEEKS#crying crying ill do my best to not complain much if at all i promise#but i will be in pain and tired and grouchy so i can't guarantee anything
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i'm going fucking crazy. why do i get a little š¤š¼ just a little bit stressed and suddenly be like "i'm going 100 on the highway at 10:30 am. also i'm booking five tattoos for the next two weeks. also i am enraged suddenly." and then even after the feeling of stress ebbs away i still feel like shit and have all those negative impulsive behaviors that serve the purpose of venting steam (steam that is no longer there)!!!!! why why why
#she bork#tbd#me thinking getting a job i don't actively hate would eradicate stress forever and make my mental illness go away š¤” see this is why i'm like#80-90% positive i have bpd. high function or 'quiet' bpd for sure bc i'm still functional and high-achieving but idk when these lil episodes#hit i literally am just overwhelmed w despair that i will never be able to live fucking normally bc whatever job i currently have will#always eventually make me miserably stressed and whatever i accomplish will always eventually amount to nothing and whoever i meet no one#will ever really know or love the real me and it's like. where does that come from. it could be cptsd too but the impulsive and reckless#coping mechanisms i have (overspending + tats + recklessly driving + physically venting rage) make me lean towards bpd#and you know what else? so do my tendencies to have black and white thinking ('oh i frustrated you once? you hate me then and i should die')#and to get turned on and off by people (even the same person) very easily and often. like it happens even w people i'm close to like#sometimes suddenly i'll be like 'you're so annoying. i cannot continue to see you as a presence in my life. don't talk to me. don't exist#around me.' and then it goes away as suddenly as it arrived. lmfao all of that is so toxic and i'm LITERALLY AWARE OF IT EVEN AS IT HAPPENS.#so yes the emotional volatility and impulsivity make me think bpd. but also cptsd and bpd are often comorbid so honestly it's probably both!
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Have come to the realization in recent years that I experience Intense Shame around the concept of exercising/physical activity so Iām hoping to be able to improve that as time goes on
#personal#comes from being clumsy as a kid I guess š« gym class was a nightmare#I was never interested in sports in the first place and then undergoing Extreme Embarrassment in gym didnāt help at all#my uni runs a physical exercise program for students like me and Iām hoping that I can sign up for it#and learn to associate exercising with positive emotions#bc right now the thought of exercising in front of anybody who isnāt my parents makes me feel vaguely ill lol#mh#ask to tag#ironically I think Iād be more comfortable exercising in front of strangers as opposed to people I know#nothing against my genuinely very beloved friends but I think this stems from my overall Issues around being vulnerable etc#anyways. Iām going to bed
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