#i think stressing over my mom fucking up my aquarium and like

[savageboar]

ive been so stressed out and depressed. and i think accidentally missing medication doses the last couple days hasn't helped.

[loveandthings11]

How Deep My Love Goes, Chapter 15

My boy Squiggle cooked up this chapter for me 😏

Read on AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11 Ch 12 Ch 13 Ch 14

Fic Summary: A fix-it alongside canon that answers the question "how would things change if Rava said yes?" 💗

Chapter Summary: Kendall and Rava return to England- and go to Scotland.

The Aquarium

“Are you aware of how a wine’s value skyrockets when it’s kept correctly?” Connor’s saying matter-of-factly as he takes a sip at Kendall and Rava’s table. “Rava, you have got to go test your club’s wine cellar. You don’t know how they’re keeping your bottles in your locker out there.” Rava nods along. “Actually, you have any you keep in your place here?”

“Um, no, we just have it brought in when we’re having someone over for dinner, or for me one or two bottles at a time.”

Kendall stares into space. She’s always considerate, but he knows she used to keep the investment wine collection in their building’s cellar. He feels bad but he’s glad she doesn’t keep it there anymore. He’s mostly stopped the worst of the craving, but when the stress really hits he’s glad it’s not a casual option at his fingertips to down a bottle of thirty-year-old brunello.

Connor looks over at Kendall and decides to change topics. He figures the best way to connect is to talk business.

“Do you believe Roman and Shiv are going all the way to jolly old England just to get your mom not to vote with you and Stewy?”

Kendall’s gaze comes into focus instantly.

“They- they’re actually going to see Mom? When?”

“Didn’t know I was breaking the news. Uh, this week I think.”

Kendall thinks for a second.

“Uh, okay, okay, I have to get there first. No, second. Uh, I don’t even… you know Dad’s going to offer to redo the divorce settlement, what am I supposed to offer?”

“Well, you can offer being Caroline’s firstborn son,” Connor almost jokes.

Kendall gives him a look.

“Seriously, what do I have to convince her?”

“Well,” Rava interjects, “you have that your siblings are coming to bribe her and you’re not. What does she need from your dad? Nothing, really. But she did want you to come see her, remember?”

“Yeah, actually. She did. She did want that. Okay. Uh, okay, I’m going to go.”

Kendall looks at Rava, dying to strategize. He doesn’t want to throw Roman under the bus for being a double agent in front of Connor.

Connor looks back and forth between them.

“I’ll just excuse myself for a minute,” Connor says begrudgingly.

Kendall and Rava both watch him go hesitatingly before instantly turning back together when he’s out of the room.

Kendall shakes his head.

“What is Roman even actually going to do? We don’t know. Fuck. I- I have to go convince her to stick with me. Not like she and Shiv are on the best terms, so, like, maybe? Maybe there’s a chance, yeah?”

Rava nods.

“Yeah. Could work.”

He feels a prick of guilt asking Rava to get on another long flight. He wonders if she was glad to give up the frequent traveling while they were separated.

“Are you- do you want to come?”

She stifles a small sigh.

“Yeah. I mean, haven’t really spent any quality time with Caroline in a while.”

Kendall smiles sarcastically.

“Yeah, been about thirty years for me.”

Rava looks a little pained.

“Well, maybe you can fix that.”

He loves her optimism in the face of things he perceives as impossible.

“Yeah. Maybe,” he says.

Connor reenters the dining room and sits down.

“So, you know Willa’s been writing her play?” he starts in.

“She’s finished?” Rava asks politely.

“Yeah, and we’re staging it for friends and family in town next week. It would really help me out if you two could make it.”

“Sure, man. Yeah. We’ll be there,” Kendall assures him. But his focus is elsewhere.

……........

Roman answers Kendall’s call cooly.

“What’s up?” Roman opens.

“When were you going to tell me you and Shiv were coming to sabotage me?” Kendall leans forward in his plush jet seat and wonders how long it’ll take for Roman to recognize the plane’s background white noise.

Roman yawns.

“Ummm… after we’d done it, I think?”

“Rome. What is this, what are you doing?”

“Doing what Dad told me to, I’m supposed to tell him to fuck off? I, the beloved son? I would never do that.”

“You know, Shiv’s going to try in earnest to make this happen,” Kendall says.

“Yeah, so am I.”

Kendall shakes his head.

“Are you even still in, bro? Are you on this team with me?”

“If you win.”

Kendall thinks he sounds like Stewy.

“Are you staying with Mom too?” Kendall asks.

“Shiv didn’t want to. We got a hotel. How much you want to bet it’ll have wet sheets from this disgusting humidity no matter how many fucking stars it has?”

Kendall feels conflicting feelings as the childhood memories of rainy England come back to him.

“But don’t think that gives you an advantage,” Roman continues. “Mom’ll just get sick of you and want more of me. And you’ll get to enjoy all that lovely cuisine.”

“Uh huh,” Kendall answers. But he feels a new hope wash over him.

“It’s just us,” he mouths to Rava.

Rava raises her eyebrows.

……........

Kendall and Rava pull up to the house just as Shiv is leaving. Kendall steps out of the car’s backseat and waits for her approach.

Shiv looks to the inside of the car and can’t see Rava through the tinted windows.

“No Rava? Mom said you probably went to the pub?” She hesitates. “You didn’t, though- right?”

“What?” Kendall responds defensively. “Rava’s right here and I wasn’t at the pub. Jesus. We just got here.”

Rava steps out of the car and Kendall sees a flash of relief on Shiv’s face. He looks twice to be sure she really was just concerned. Her face returns to cool neutral in a moment.

“Dad would’ve had a field day if that’s where you were,” she says.

“Dad doesn’t need something to be true to put it out there, Shiv. He’ll always do whatever serves him. You know that’s the side you’ve chosen, right? The good fight could always use you.” He pauses and thinks of Rava’s words to him when they’d just gotten back together. “It’s not too late.”

She looks at him for a second before flipping her hair and starting to turn around.

“Sure, Ken. Whatever you say.” She strides over to Rava and gives her a real smile and a hug. Kendall watches and wonders what conversations they’ve had about him in the past. He was always curious about their once-close relationship.

Caroline appears at the door and stands as her children greet each other. She wraps her pashmina over herself. Kendall makes eye contact and nods with a smile. She returns it, If a bit more cooly than he had hoped. He tries to imagine what her talk with Shiv and Roman just was.

“You just missed your brother,” Caroline calls to Kendall.

“Oh, well. That’s fine,” Kendall says as he walks up the path to the house. He kisses her on the cheek. “Hi, Mom.”

“Hello, Kendall.” She looks right behind him at Rava walking up the path. “Rava, how nice you’ve joined too. Sorry to have you stuck in the bribery vacation, but that’s the life of a Roy wife, isn’t it?” Rava tries to open her mouth. “I keep remembering despite all the trying,” Caroline smiles. “Come in.”

Kendall rolls his eyes a little.

“We’re not- you know, we’re here to see you, Mom. But yeah, we are here to save you from the plots of the-“

“That’s nice, Kendall.” She turns to Rava again. “You hear how he thinks I don’t know why you’re all here? No visits for years but all of a sudden they can’t stay away.”

“Oh, well-“ Rava begins without knowing where the sentence is going. Caroline doesn’t need to hear it.

“I’m glad someone is here with pure intentions. Family battles are so distasteful.”

Rava hopes there’s wine.

“Didn’t think you’d all be hungry. God knows my appetite has faded after the day I’ve had,” Caroline says.

“Right, well, we ate before,” Rava finally gets out. Kendall glances around the mostly food-less kitchen.

“Yeah, didn’t want to put you out after you already had dinner,” he says drily.

Caroline gives him a wry smile as they sit down at the table and she pours Rava an extra large glass of wine.

“So. Go ahead.” She opens her arms a bit. “Pitch me.”

“Mom.” Kendall looks uncomfortable.

“Well? What else is there?”

“I- a lot?”

Caroline gives him a look that tells him to spill what he’s there for. He sighs and starts in.

……........

After a less-than-positive reception to Kendall’s pitch followed by sipping tea and forcing some pleasantries, Rava had squeezed his shoulder and said she was going to get ready for bed.

Caroline leans against the counter finishing her tea before bed while Kendall sits still at the table, feeling a little defeated. He decides it can’t hurt to try one more time.

“Mom, can I talk to you about something?”

Caroline looks reticent. She’s been being pitched all day.

“Of course. But if it’s all right with you, maybe we do it over an egg.”

He wants to argue, but wants to seem amenable at the same time.

“Uh… sure,” he concedes.

She starts to stand up from the oven where she’s leaning, but seeing her prepare to leave makes him worry this might be his only chance.

“Actually- no, I- I really want to tell you this now.” He’s been thinking it for a while and his tone makes her stay where she is a minute longer. “We- we should have come for Christmas. Way back then. We should have-“ he sighs. “I should’ve made it happen.”

“Well.” She hesitates a little as she raises her eyebrows. “You were quite young.”

“I was eighteen. I mean, yeah, young, but- I want you to know I’ve forgiven you for leaving. And I hope you forgive me for- not coming back here for a while.”

“Leaving,” she says with some bitterness. “Yes, I was the bad one who needs to be forgiven.”

“No- Mom, it’s- obviously, Dad has done some bad shit too. Uh, I just-“

“Wanted to forgive me. Hmm. Quite better at manipulation than your brother,” she says cynically. “Very convincing.”

Kendall feels a little splintered. He thinks he should have known that simply being nice wouldn’t quite solve things. He tries a different way in.

“Do you really want to help Dad? You’re on your ex-husband’s side all of a sudden?”

“Not for endless years.” She’s honest, yet still stoney.

His last resort comes out.

“Mom. Please. This is- this is just- it’s everything.” She hears the desperation in his voice, the way it lingers in the following silence.

“I hate what he’s done to you,” she says.

Kendall is struck for a moment.

“Well- well, I don’t know what that means.” He feels defensive.

“Little Logan. ‘It’s everything,’” she quotes disdainfully.

The mixed emotions swirl so quickly it makes him nauseous.

“I- no- I mean, I’m not- not trying-“

“This bauble he dangles in front of you all, it’s not good for you. I don’t like it.”

He looks confused.

“Us all? No. It’s me. It’s always been mine and he fucking- you know, he took it for himself, he couldn’t work out that he should just fucking retire.”

She really looks at his face for a long moment.

“You were such a good boy. You loved that aquarium in your bedroom here.”

“The- what?”

“You’ve forgotten?”

“Well- no, of course not,” he says truthfully, thrown off.

“You watched it forever. Named all the fish. Sweet boy.” She shakes her head. “Stolen for board meetings.”

He feels like his parents are each holding one of his arms running in opposite directions.

“No one forced me.”

Caroline looks almost amused.

“No? Well, we all block out things that aren’t so pleasant to remember.”

He sighs and tries to think back.

“I do want this.” He pauses. “But, uh, what happened to that wall aquarium? It was huge.”

“Still there, I expect it’s the aquatic descendants now, cared for by staff.” Kendall feels strangely guilty.

“I’m gonna go see them, actually.”

She watches him get up from the table and turn toward his preteen bedroom.

He enters the room and realizes it’s been years since he’d stepped foot in there. The gentle movement of the water catches his eye immediately. The aquarium takes up almost the entire wall and at least 10 feet back. Its skylight was one of his favorite parts. He smiles at the memory of how the sunlight used to filter in in the morning through the blue water.

The bedside lamps are dimly lit and he can see some slow evening swimming going on. He sits down on the bed and gazes in at the way the light refracts off the beautiful creatures’ shiny, colorful scales as they move comfortably through the water. He’d always wanted to scuba dive inside the tank with them, but his nanny had smiled and said that wouldn’t go well. He’d protested that the professionals who cared for the fish and cleaned the tank got to do it all the time.

“Well, maybe you’ll be a marine biologist after all,” the nanny told him. “Then you’ll be in the water as much as you want.”

Sometimes he’d wished he could become a fish and be unaware of anything about land.

Caroline quietly walks in and sits down next to him. He glances over and wonders if the lack of space is her way of connecting.

“I’m still a good guy, you know. I mean, I’m trying. And I still like these guys,” he gestures to the fish.

“Now that you remember they’re here.”

He nods seriously.

“Sometimes you need a reminder I guess.” He looks carefully at the ones in the front by the glass. “I think I remember those two. With the, uh, mirror scales.”

“Their descendants. But what’s the difference, right?”

The silence is full.

“There is a difference.” He turns toward her even as she continues staring into the aquarium. “It’s not the same. The way he did things… I’m going to transform the company.” She’s still quiet. “I’m not him, Mom.”

She looks at him and sees a bit of the spark from his creative days. She moves to the next on her list of objections to stop the uncomfortable intimacy.

“Well. Choosing between my sons is distasteful.”

Kendall hesitates.

“It’s- you know, I’m going to take care of Roman. And Shiv, if she wants. But definitely Rome. He and I-“ he looks at her cautiously. “I think he’s going to be fine either way.” She catches the meaning and he decides to try to push the point home. “I- I mean, I can’t speak for what Dad will do with him. But he’d be my COO. The offer’s been made.”

“Hmm. I’ll take that under advisement,” she replies. He knows that’s it for the night.

“Thanks for keeping the aquarium,” he says. He chuckles a little. “I kind of wish I could take it.”

“Oh yes, take the one thing that makes you want to come back and visit.”

He looks at her.

“It’s not the one thing.”

There’s a twinkle in her eye.

“Well. You’ll come more often then. Visit your fish.”

He nods.

“Yeah.”

She turns and walks out of the room as he watches the reflections of the water move on the wall. He reaches over and turns off the bedside lamps so he can sit in the dark for a minute, breathing quietly with the fish. He gets up in silence, slowly walking down the hall to the bedroom where he’s staying with Rava. She lies peacefully sleeping and he gets ready for bed as quietly as he can.

He climbs into bed and spoons Rava, laying his head down right behind hers and waking her up just a little bit.

“You talk to your mom?” she murmurs.

“Yeah. And saw my fish from when I was a kid. Or, their grandkids or something.”

Rava smiles sleepily.

“Grandfish. Did you…?”

“Convince her? I dunno. It was a little rough. But maybe. I told her about Roman,” he says a little doubtfully. “Not sure if that was a good idea. But might have helped my case.”

“Mmm,” Rava responds sleepily.

“Yeah,” he smiles a slightly defeated smile. “Okay. Bedtime.”

Rava holds his arm over her.

“We can get some fish,” she whispers.

“Yeah? For Ivey?”

“In Ivey’s room… for Ken.”

He laughs a little.

“Okay. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

……........

Shiv looks at Kendall across Caroline’s breakfast table.

“Of course she left,” Shiv says, crossing her arms.

“At least she left stuff for us,” Kendall says.

“Mm. Defender of Mom now? Roman’ll fight you for her.”

Kendall gives her an annoyed look and they sit in silence for a minute.

Shiv looks at her watch.

“I have to go, I have a meeting.”

“With?” Kendall asks.

“Oh, you know. Just work stuff.” Shiv avoids eye contact and tucks her hair behind her ear.

“Work stuff?” he asks suspiciously. “Like- Gil?”

“Not everything is your concern, Ken.”

Shiv gives him a plastic smile and walks out.

Kendall sits at the table and Googles democratic presidential candidates to try and figure out what Shiv is actually doing.

“Eggy peggs?” Roman asks, padding into the kitchen.

“Yeah, Mom made you some before she left this morning,” Kendall nods to the bowl next to the stove.

Roman gladly picks up his breakfast and sits down at the table with Kendall.

“So, did you try your lack of charm on our mother last night?” Roman asks. “Which way is she gonna go, her favorite son-“ he gestures to himself “-or the the black sheep outside the family?”

Kendall looks at him drily.

“I don’t know how she’s voting.”

“Seriously?” Roman asks.

“Seriously.” He feels the tension he’s been trying to tamp down. He needs to know which way his brother is actually leaning. “What- what do you actually want, Rome, honestly? Like, if Mom votes with me, are you actually going to be there?”

“I don’t- what? It doesn’t really fucking matter at this point,” Roman responds.

“What does that mean?”

“It means, you know, Dad’s going to give it to Shiv, maybe, anyway.”

Kendall almost laughs.

“Shiv? Fucking- what? Where is this coming from?”

Roman looks amused.

“You didn’t hear? She basically announced it to everyone at Tern Haven. Fucking glorious. A meltdown. Ten out of ten.”

“What? So you’ve known this for how fucking long now? Weeks? When were you going to tell me that?”

“Whenever I deemed it best for me-“ Roman feigns confusion. “I thought we talked about this? I do what’s best for me.”

“What’s best for you is working for me!” Kendall splutters. Roman rolls his eyes as Kendall continues. “You think Dad is looking after your best interests? Giving the company to Shiv? Is he- what, is he actually losing his mind now?”

“No! He’s fucking- you know, he’s great, he’s like fifty in his mind-“

Kendall’s not listening.

“Is this why she was at the office the day Mark- Mark Johnson, you know?”

Roman’s thrown off.

“Who’s Mark Johnson?”

“He’s the- the guy who,” Kendall looks away from Roman. “Who shot himself. You already forgot his name?”

“Uh, probably never knew it. But I’m sure Dad giving away my future was why Shiv was there, yeah.”

“Our future.” Kendall lets his face fall into his hands. “Fuck,” he mutters. “Shiv said she had a meeting to go to. You think it’s about the company?”

“I don’t know.”

Kendall looks up into the air.

“Did Mom know about this?” He wonders if that’s what she was referring to last night when she implied her kids were fighting over the CEO position. His CEO position.

“How should I know?” Roman asks.

“You think Shiv told her?”

“Yes, in one of Mom’s famed heart-to-hearts with Shiv, I’m sure she shared her deepest secrets,” Roman says a little bitterly. “Clearly, Shiv doesn’t tell me everything.”

Kendall looks over at him.

“Shiv really didn’t tell you Dad talked to her about CEO?”

Roman squirms at the vulnerability of being honest.

“No.”

“And neither did Dad,” Kendall points out. One’s not better than the other at this point. He’s so annoyed. What’s it going to take to get Roman on his side publicly?

Roman looks at the ceiling and takes a bite of eggs.

“You’re so subtle with your little insinuations. This doesn’t mean I’m just on your side,” Roman says snidely.

“Why not?!” Kendall asks with exasperation. “Seriously, what is it that you have a problem with?”

Roman shakes his head and smiles as he gestures to Kendall.

“This, man. I can’t with the…” he waves his arm at his brother. “You’re so-“

“What?” Kendall implores him.

“You take yourself so fuckin’ seriously.”

“And look how far it’s gotten me, bro. What the fuck? Not taking anything seriously is not going to make you CEO. I know how Dad thinks. It’s not gonna be you. He picked Shiv over you. Shiv. Doesn’t have a Wall Street contact in her phone, I guarantee you. But still Shiv.”

Roman looks wounded and angry that he feels hurt. Kendall backpedals a bit.

“I’m sorry, man. I know it sucks. Seriously, if anyone, like- I fucking know. But if he doesn’t want me-? I- fifteen years, bro. Shanghai, MBA. He said no? And he’s trying to put in someone who literally knows nothing about how this works- he isn’t logical. And he is not going to give it to you.”

“It’s not about me getting CEO- I- yeah, that would be nice. But you- you want to kill him or something.”

“I love Dad. I also- sometimes hate him, but I don’t want to kill him. I just want what’s right. What was promised.”

Roman picks at the wooden table as Kendall looks at him questioningly.

“Well, even if I said yes- and I’m not saying that I’m- saying yes, but Sandy is holding your little strings, so I don’t know that he’d want a defector.”

“Are you kidding me? Sandy would-“ Kendall stops himself as he remembers Sandy’s words at Tom’s bachelor party. There may or may not be a place for your brother. “I’ll work it out with him. You’d have some information he would be very interested in.”

“We’ll see. When’s mom coming back?”

Kendall hesitates.

“Uh, she’s not. She left for her trip.” He says it gently, but he knows he’s driving the point home. No one else is here.

……........

Rava comes into the kitchen after Roman’s left and sits by Kendall, who has his elbows on the table, fingers touching, staring into space as he thinks.

“Hey,” she greets him. He almost jumps as her voice yanks him back to the present moment.

“Hey.”

“You good?” She lays her hand on his shoulder. “Did you decide about trying to go to your dad’s new school here?”

“Uh… yeah. I think he’d just tell me fuck off if I try. There’ll be press, not a good look.” He tries not to look too disappointed but Rava can tell how he’s feeling.

“Sure,” she agrees.

“You know he brought Rhea here? Pierce fired her and now she’s just flying around with Dad?”

Rava raises her eyebrows.

“Wow. There’s an unlikely pairing.”

Kendall shakes his head.

“He puts way too much stock in what his latest uh, interest says when he just met her. Sally Anne had him buying houses in, like, a month. I feel like I need to get on Rhea’s good side.”

“Because he’s likely to offer you the role now that you’ve been trashing him on TV?” Rava smiles. “Pretty sure you’re taking it by force now.”

“Well I- I had to, I don’t- fuck.” Rava pats his back. He doesn’t know how to form a strategy without it revolving around Logan’s approval.

“You still want it the right way. I get it.”

He glances at her and sighs.

“Couldn’t hurt if she liked me enough to stop him from using anything he can to destroy me,” he says.

“I guess that’s true.”

She knows he needs this.

“How?”

“I don’t know yet.”

……........

Kendall’s phone buzzes in their Dundee hotel suite later that day. He hesitates when he sees Rhea’s name but decides to pick up.

“Hello, Rhea.”

“I noticed you didn’t come to the unveiling today,” she says.

“I, uh, yeah, I didn’t think that seemed like a good idea.”

“I think your dad was a bit disappointed. He asked about you.”

Is this a trick?

“He- why? He wanted me to go?”

“I think he did.”

She’s cunning. But it’s hard to tell when he wants it so badly to be true. He automatically glances around for Rava. She would know. But she’s out with the kids.

“Why don’t you come to the anniversary party?” Rhea asks in his ear. He’s painfully tempted.

“Yeah? Uh, I don’t know that that’s the right move either.”

“I think your dad would really appreciate you making a special tribute to him. Show him that business is just business?”

“Uh,” Kendall smiles sadly at her perceived naivetè. “He might not go for that.”

“More than you think,” Rhea says. “Trust me.”

“Well, I missed the recording session for the video everyone’s made with their speeches to him, so…”

“I’m sure you can figure it out,” she says neatly.

He thinks about it as the call ends.

That evening, he sits on the couch leaning over his notebook, where he’s been writing and rewriting for half an hour. Rava looks over from the other end of the sofa and gets curious.

“What are you writing? I thought you said you missed the recording session for your dad,” she says.

“I did. But don’t worry, I’m doing something better.”

Rava’s leans over and puts her arms around him from the side. He turns the notebook away from her and smiles.

“That’s not gonna work,” he says.

She laughs and reaches for it as he holds it out of her grasp and closes it.

“No,” he insists.

“Show me!”

“Nope.”

She unbuttons some of her sweater buttons.

“You’re not distracting me with sex so you can grab this notebook,” he says.

“I’m not?” she asks innocently. She drops the sweater off her shoulders and he grazes his fingers over her bra before holding the notebook over his eyes. She slowly reaches for it.

“No. You’re going to be surprised just like everyone else,” he smiles. “Put your clothes back on,” he teases, looking over the notebook for another glance. He shakes his head in joking disapproval. “Naughty girl.”

He goes back to writing and Rava turns her attention back to the TV as she tries unsuccessfully to steal peeks at his pages.

His phone lights up and she grabs it while he reaches for it. She playfully holds it away from him and looks at the text preview.

“Squiggle?” she laughs. “He still goes by Squiggle, huh?” The name their college friend had given himself had always made her shake her head, even back then.

“Give me that!” He reaches over her and takes the phone back.

“Are you writing a song??” she asks him.

“No. Maybe. I’m figuring it out. You’ll see.” He flashes her a smile and walks into the other room.

……........

At Logan’s 50th anniversary celebration, Kendall and Rava walk around looking at the photos on the wall.

“The Denver Chronicle!” Rava points at one piece. “Aww, I remember that.” Kendall smiles but he seems distracted, glancing around.

“Hey,” she says, and he turns toward her.

“Sorry. Yeah. Things were easier then.” He actually looks at the picture. “Oh, it’s me.”

“Yeah,” Rava laughs a little. “That’s what I was looking at.” A picture of twenty-one-year-old Kendall standing with Logan outside the Chronicle offices looks back at them.

Kendall sighs.

“He really fucking… thought I could do it then.” He pauses. “And he thought so a year and a half ago..” The question of what went wrong burns wordlessly.

“Ken. Him changing his mind is about him. Not you. Come on,” she guides him away from the photo. He wants to lay his forehead on her shoulder and stay there. “Come on,” she says again, encouraging him to walk with a little more pep.

He turns back to the party and looks around for Shiv, spotting her across the room with Tom.

He makes his way over to her, feeling like he needs to extract some information after her cagey answers to his questions in England.

“Uh, hey, welcome to the club, sis,” he opens.

“The club?”

“Club of people who have fallen for Dad’s games? I mean, I was seven when I believed him, and you’re thirty-four, but I guess we’re in the same club now.”

“Wow, Kendall. I see you’re still a dick.”

“Sure. And you’re still a fake. What are you doing? Seriously.”

“I’m doing whatever I want,” she says flippantly.

“Are you? How was the meeting you had in London?”

“Fine.”

“Did it lead to anything?” he asks.

“Maybe. Could be an offer.”

Kendall smiles sarcastically.

“You think that’s gonna work? Dad’s going to come around and try to stop you from leaving because you have an offer? You don’t get it, Shiv. He doesn’t want you to have it. He wants to control you.”

“I think you’re talking to yourself,” Shiv replies. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Wow. Okay. Well, maybe you should try talking to yourself to figure out why you’re really doing this.”

She stares at him and drops her attitude for a second.

“I’ve done the thing I was never going to do. I can’t undo that.”

“Except that you literally can. It’s the thing I was always going to do.”

“Can’t handle a little competition?” she taunts.

“I’d just prefer not to have to crush my little sister.”

“Oh, you just want to try to crush our dad.”

Kendall shrugs.

“He tried to crush me first.”

She rolls her eyes.

“Shiv, you could do whatever you want. Go back to DC, start your own- whatever you want, consulting firm, news station, anything. You can undo this. He doesn’t have to control you, you don’t have to get in the middle of this.”

“I can go play in my own sandbox? Play corporate house?”

“How is founding your own company playing house? That’s what Dad did.”

This statement gives both of them pause. Not wanting to appear as though she’s taking his words seriously, she rolls her eyes.

“I think you just can’t handle anyone challenging you,” she says defiantly, although a bit less so than before.

“You’re not a challenge,” Kendall shoots back.

“Whatever you need to tell yourself,” she says.

“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”

She gives him a look like he is insane.

“What the fuck does that mean? Have you actually lost it this time?”

“Marcus Aurelius. Aren’t you the one dining with the literati now?” Kendall asks with a smirk.

He walks away as he glances at his watch. It’s time for the tribute. He walks past Rava and gives her a look, heading up to the stage. He takes the mic.

“Rhea suggested I do this little tribute…” he’s not listening to himself as he looks out at Shiv and her doubt, Roman and his low expectations, Connor and his amusement, Logan and his cautious boredom.

Then there’s Rava and her hope. She’s never stopped wanting him to be his best. Even when she couldn’t let herself believe, even when she was protecting herself, she still believed, deep down, that he could be anything. A monk, a father, a founder, a CEO…

a rapper.

Kendall takes a deep breath.

“My boy Squiggle cooked up this beat for me.”

The backtrack has everyone looking around at each other.

“Squiggle?” Roman mouths at Rava. He looks sarcastically delighted.

Rava puts up her hands.

“I had nothing to do with this,” she confirms.

“Just remember, I’m not a professional,” Kendall says.

There’s energy that fills the room and seems to seep into some as it pours into others. Everyone is staring, some open-mouthed, some confused, and some, like Shiv, gleeful. Greg dances awkwardly and Tom misses the fact that Greg knows a few of the words. Roman tries his best to sink into the floor, but Kendall’s not deterred by his lack of excitement.

“…since I Stan Dad, I’m alive and well.”

Rava makes a face at that line, but through the surprise and second-hand embarrassment, she’s a little impressed. She’s never seen a performance outside of the car. Not a sober one, anyway. He’s good at this. No matter what everyone thinks, they all have their eyes on Kendall. And he loves it. As the performance heads toward the grand finale, Kendall heads into the audience.

“L to the-“ he holds the microphone up to Rava.

“O-G?” she says uncertainly. He can see she’s looking at him like he’s crazy, but the last reaction that matters the most is, of course, Logan’s.

“L to the- motherfuckin’ O-G.” He ends the song by putting a hat on his father’s head.

Roman looks at Rava and they both wonder if Kendall’s gone insane and whether Logan is going to implode. No words are needed as they both turn their attention to Logan’s surprisingly neutral reaction.

“What is Dad doing? What’s he thinking?” Roman asks frantically. Rava, still in shock, just shrugs. She doesn’t even know how to feel. Roman smirks and takes a moment to be himself. “Just think, you were this close to being out!” he exclaims at Rava before giggling and walking over to where Logan is waving off the many question-askers now that Kendall’s walked away.

Rava walks toward the nearest exit to see if Kendall went through it. Her questions compete for priority in her head.

He’s on his phone watching footage someone just sent him of his big moment. He looks up at her with some wild energy.

“I feel like he didn’t hate it, which is basically the best you could hope for, you know?

Rava hesitates.

“Yeah… I mean, you were amazing. But I thought you were maybe… over that level of worship of him, Ken. Those lyrics?”

He crosses his arms.

“Right to the criticism, huh?”

“No- I just- what I mean is that you were just saying he can’t run the company, he engaged with bad actors, Mo!- and now you’re saying he’s wonderful, so-“

“Yeah. He’s both. And I’m fucking trying to ruin him so is it the worst fucking thing to do something nice?”

Rava tries not to sigh out loud.

“It kind of seems like you’re undermining yourself.” But she starts to feel fatigue with the whole situation. Let the therapist be the therapist, she thinks. “Well, anyway. You are quite the performer,” she smiles.

He decides to let the first part go.

“Maybe I should’ve done this with my life,” he says, only half-joking. She lays her hand on his forearm.

“Well, you don’t have to be only one thing.”

He shrugs.

“I’m only made for one thing.”

“That’s not true,” she tells him. “You’re already many things.”

He looks at her blankly.

“As in…”

She stares back and wonders if he will ever stop feeling like he’s nothing without the title.

She squeezes his arm and starts to gather a list in her head.

“Uh, well, maybe he’ll go easy on me in DC now,” he suggests, moving the conversation forward. She likes that the adrenaline brings out optimism she doesn’t get to see as often as she’d like.

“I certainly hope so.”

They stand quietly for a moment, both glancing back into the ballroom. He’s curious about everyone’s reactions but doesn’t want to deal with all the dragging.

“So…” he starts. “Get out of here?”

Rava nods.

“Um, yes, please, let’s go.”

He takes her hand and starts to walk.

“So, you all prepared for DC?” Rava asks.

“Sure, I mean, the lawyers will prep me.” She can tell he’s internally nervous.

“But you’re feeling…?”

“Uh, okay. Yeah. It’ll be fine.”

“Maybe your boy Squiggle can cook up some testimony for you.”

“Okay,” he smirks and nods along.

“Born on the East Side… still on the East Side?”

“You’re not writing a rap about me.”

“Oh, I might be.”

He looks at her drily.

“See?” she asks. “I’m already multiple things and just added another one.”

“Yeah, well. You’re… yeah, you’re everything.”

She looks into his eyes for a second.

“So are you, Ken.”

[badolmen]

“Hey! Where the hell have you been? I know you said work has been busy in the group chat but…” She trailed off, her playful and teasing expression shattered when she saw my face.

And that was the last straw, I guess, as I unceremoniously burst into tears on the sidewalk outside of the cafe. Clara held me in her arms as I sobbed, with Mac and Liz helping to herd us into some quiet corner and order our drinks.

A few sips into an industrially made double espresso with mint syrup and I was feeling human again. As human as I could be given the circumstances. Clara helped settle down the quills that ruffled my hair, carding her fingers through the tangles left from sleepless nights.

“What happened?” Mac was the one that finally asked, his voice soft as he slid a bagel over to me. After all this time he still remembered how I once insisted on exchanges for information.

“They came back. They’re home.” My voice still felt raw, echoing in my skull as I worked to keep my tongue in human language. When Clara and Liz exchanged a confused look, I continued. “My family’s home. My mom, my brother, two sisters.” I swallowed another mouthful of too-hot coffee. It didn’t burn as much as I wanted it to.

“What?” Mac’s voice cracked, a rough cough returning him to his smoother register. “What the hell? I thought - I knew you still talked to them but like, what the actual hell?”

“It’s complicated.” I dropped my head, holding it in my hands. “I’m just - it’s overwhelming.”

“The good kind or the bad kind?”

“Clare, is there ever a good kind of overwhelming?”

“You know what I mean - like,” she turned to me as she continued, “are you happy they’re home?”

Was I?

“I’m not…mad that they’re home.”

“But...?”

“I can’t keep this up.” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “But I can’t just - just kick them out on the street either.”

“You don’t have to - isn’t it, like, a sin for your folk to overstay their welcome? I thought manners were super strict over there.”

“I don’t think they can go back.” I shot Mac a nervous glance. “Have you been able to get in contact with anyone beyond the veil lately?” There was a flicker of anxiety in his eyes as he shrugged.

“No. I - I just thought the veil was too thick this time of year.” He glanced around the cafe, voice dropping an octave. “Have you tried calling your dad?”

My laugh was bitter but barely lasted a breath. I hadn’t thought to try a summons. To be fair, I hadn’t been thinking much beyond the ever present threat of my brother burning down the house in his sleep or my sister adding rat poison instead of fish pellets to the aquarium.

“It’s just been - it’s been a lot. I don’t think he could help, even if he wanted to.” As powerful as an archfae was, even his power was bound to his realm.

And mom hadn’t mentioned him at all since she came home. Which didn’t seem like a good sign.

The silence that lapsed over the table was comfortable, lattes cooling and tea steeping bitter. Anxiety crept into my bones. Had I over shared? Gods, they probably had their own bullshit family problems they were dealing with and I was being an asshole and a whiny bitch for making it all about me -

“Oh fuck off.” Liz threw a balled up napkin at me, hitting me straight in the face. I was so stressed and overtaxed I forgot my warding runes at home. Damn psychics. “What did all of you do when I was in the hospital dying ‘cause my immune system shit the bed and my feeding tube was blocked?”

“We…took turns taking care of your cat and visited you when we could.” I furrowed my brow, confused. “What does that have to do with - ”

“Mac, what did they do for you when you broke both legs, while shifted on a full moon two states away, and animal control caught you?” Across the table, Mac’s eyes sparked with an understanding I couldn’t grasp yet.

“You drove like hell, charmed three different cops, and let me sleep in the back of your car even though I shed and you hate vacuuming.” His toothy smirk tossed the question to Clara, who took my hand under the table and squeezed it gently.

“You’ve always been there for me. Even after my folks kicked me out, even before they knew. You’ve always been here for us.” She wrapped a heavy arm over my shoulders, and I let myself sigh into her embrace. “Let us be here for you. Alright?”

It wasn’t like they were going to give me much of a choice.

“What was it you told me when we were building that chicken coop? ‘Lift with your legs and for fuck’s sake don’t carry it alone if it feels too heavy.’”

“Yeah, well that’s because you threw your back out. Twice, you dumb dog.” There were still tears in my voice, but I felt better as I looked around my friends with a contented sigh. Mac feigning offense, Liz offering exaggerated comfort from her chair, and Clara’s warm, human hand in mine.

The burden was heavy, but many hands made light work.

Edit: Donate to Palestinians in Gaza

All of your siblings, papart from you, have attended a prestigious wizarding school. Now, after all these years, they’re back in your “regular” world… and don’t even know how an oven works.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / s.i. / sh mention / long post / extremely negative dont read

I rly wanna fucking stop existing man life is too fucking hard I cant do this shit

My grandpa basically blamed me for the house's electricity usage when i literally only used my computer for one week last month and like 2 days this month. Anything else this month has just been phone charging or running my 2 small aquariums. Idk why i have to take the blame for that just because im a young person when my grandpa literally has been using large machinery in the garage and we rent out our guest house which has an a/c unit running ALL the time (our house does not have a/c or any internal system. Utilities are included in the guest house we rent so we pay for that person to stay cool while we sweat over here lmao.)

Ive been suffering for weeks in the 90-100 degree weather with no fan because my bathroom flooded due to grandpa installing the wrong fixture in my toilet (i literally only needed to replace the flap which required no disconnections! But he insisted, and now my only clean fan has been stuck in my bathroom with the window open letting in all the heat). Like. I enjoy the heat. Im fine with no ac. I tolerate it fine. But i need an occasional few minutes of being in the fan if the windows have been letting in all the heat. Normally id keep my blinds closed and the shower curtain closed so the heat doesnt get extreme but because i need to air out the bathroom i cant do that ((Literally when i lived in nyc w no ac, i would just go out to the living room and turn a/c on for like 1 minute while i stand in front of it, and then off again and i was fine for the rest of the night, i cant sleep with ac or a fan on or else i get hypothermic - i actually started getting hypothermic the other night because my blankets fell off the bed on a cooler night, it sucked lol))

Im so sick of having to wear shoes in my bathroom due to the carpet being pulled back, its uncomfortable to traverse that mess while having an injured back. Im sick of all the wildfire ash thats poured into my bathroom and probably my room too. (I had JUST changed my last air filter the day before the fire started lmao probably used up the whole thing already, i never got to keep my clean air room i had just started).

I had to deep clean the kitchen and deep vacuum the entire house with my back thats been injured since MAY since grandpa wont clean up after himself, and apparently my mom has also not been cleaning for years in her room (and my mom has the nerve to judge me for having a clean but cluttered room! Its her fault its cluttered because im not allowed to have anything of mine except food downstairs!). I havent been able to get treatment for my back because my mom has the only car and shes been out of town for the past month+.

Im fucking scared as fuck because i couldnt get ahold of a doctors office for a prescription for my endo and so now ive been having to take the leftovers i had of a lower dose. I live in a dead zone so a lot of the time i cant make phonecalls, idk if the issue was my end or the doctors and im just too stressed to try again bc if i think ab endo im gonna have a mental breakdown, its already bad enough having EXTREME phone anxiety due to not being able to understand people when they talk especially over a garbled phone connection. Im supposed to quit this med at the end of the month and idk how im gonna survive. I might not. I was completely su// ici// dal during the last couple flare ups. Endo is incurable and apparently im resistant to medication and surgical treatment. So its untreatable for me too.

Then theres my whole depression. This just fucking kicked off a really terrible mood swing and ive been like crying and moping in bed for hours trying NOT to think about where i know the things i used to s.h. before are packed. Bc that hasnt ever stopped being on my fucking mind since before i even started as a teen lmao. I cant stop thinking about how im existing against my will. Theres just no good way to die. Id feel guilty too because of how expensive my jaw treatments are and i havent even finished.

Speaking of, my jaw is still fucked and not getting any better lmao. Im in constant pain and headaches because of the aligners on my teeth. Im making myself sick from eating depression foods because by the time i take the things off my teeth to eat and drink, my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, my head hurts, my tummy hurts, and after i eat anything i feel sick and tired and lightheaded from not being able to snack or drink when i want at my own pace, and then suddenly having to eat a whole meals worth of food in one sitting. (Not that i do that lmao ive been eating really lightly bc i am not physically up to the task of cooking or eating anything. I CAN cook. Just not physically, or mentally any more). So ive been eating terribly within my already limited diet. (And my jaw wont stop popping and cracking painfully every time i chew anything which is so humiliating and frustrating and painful and i cant eat a lot of foods i used to.)

There just too much going on all at once and im fucking sick of everything. I was already at my fucking limit before my mom fucked off to do pet sitting for a relative and went back on her word that she'd bring the dog to stay at our house. Which means ive gone since May without treatment for my back except for the chiropractor i see right after my therapy appointment. Which i dont think is doing enough. I dont know what more can be done when i constantly have to do back breaking things around the house. And when i told my mom ab how im not able to get the care i need because of her leaving, she turned it on me and said it was my fault for not making an appointment. Fucking gaslighting asshole. How the fuck am i supposed to get to an appointment 30-40 minutes away when i dont have the car? (Because theres no where local that will take my insurance, and i dont think even the places 30-40 minutes away will take it either.)

I dont know how anyone manages to live. Just existing is constant pain due to fibromyalgia and arthritis. Its constant hypervigilance and fear from the endo. Its extreme treatment-resistant depression (i fucking wish antidepressants worked on me lmao but that was the most miserable 5 years of my life trying every class of them). Its gender dysphoria and i cant transition because i cant work or live independently (its not safe for me to come out or transition while living in grandpas house hed kick me out). Its loneliness because i have like 2 friends i occasionally talk to online but no one close and were not on the same circles even, not like i even have a stable internet connection to do anything more than just over messaging. I dont have the mental energy to be friends w anyone either bc i have nothing to offer. Existing while alive is a full time job with no pay or benefits. I dont even know anyone irl thats not relatives (im not close with anyone in my family at all) or a doctor. I dont have a license or car because family wouldnt let me practise when i did have permits and i certainly can't afford the $12k a year it costs to own a car in Cali, let alone to purchase one. I cant work but im not disabled enough to be legally disabled. Certainly wouldnt be able to afford to live in this area/county even if i could do some work beyond an occasional online resale, which sucks because this is where my tribe is and i just wish this area was a better fit for me. Just doing things around the house is what caused my back to go out in the first place and now its a chronic fucking issue, and i can barely walk to the mailbox or do grocery shopping. Its not safe for me to live alone either, probably, even tho i cant handle living with roommates because im too asocial for them.

Im so sick of everything. Why do i have to be blamed for the electricity. Im an artist and apparently using the skills i spent 4 years learning at college and countless hours improving on my own is using too much electricity if i turn on my computer to participate in a week of a drawing challenge. What if i had a fucking work from home job?? (Not like that would ever happen, grandpa wouldnt choose the cheaper and faster internet plan i told him to go with and instead chose a more expensive plan with a different company that has a data cap, so now it sucks for no reason other than that he doesnt want to take advice from either a woman or a young person! [Im not a woman but he doesnt know that]). I cant even try to apply for any kind of work from home job bc of the internet. Its hard enough trying to make a call over data, having to put it on speakerphone and reach my phone against my room window while i lean over the counter. I was already unemployed before the pandemic due to the same mental health issues i havent stopped suffering from.

I wish that i wanted to live and do better for myself but whats the fucking point any more. I dont even want to live. I have no fucking reason to. At all. Im only alive bc there's no good way to die. Every day i think about how much i wish i didnt exist. It sucks and theres no fucking treatment that works. Therapy probably helps but its not making improvements for me when there are too many things out of my control making my life completely fucking miserable, its just damage reduction at this point.

I even exercise. Often. Despite the pain in my back and everywhere else. It does not help when i have fibromyalgia. Im in extreme pain even with the lightest exercise. But ive been exercising since the last endo flare up in fucking march in the hopes itll make my next endo flare up a little less worse if im stronger. Who knows if its working. Guess ill find out after the end of this month. God im so fucking scared.

I dont want to do anything rn im just so fucking miserable. But now my room is heating up since its the end of the day and im sweating too much to keep lying in bed being miserable. Idk what im gonna do. Besides ignore the ideation and knowledge about where my sharp objects are. I was working on sewing but i lost steam because of grandpa blaming me for the electricity sending me down a spiral. As if im not already doing enough cleaning up the whole fucking house and trying to prevent mold growth from the leak he caused and then laughed it off and wouldnt help me move (not my) furniture to prevent water damage.

Fuck i still have to measure the carpet padding so i can buy more later. At least the carpet itself is safe. Its getting dark out and i threw that padding shit outside and forgot about it last week so i dont wanna deal with measuring that right now. Ugh.

What do i even do when im too fucking depressed to do anything at all?? No one fucking prepares you for how fucking miserable being alive actually is.

[anticomedygarden]

until we came to leningrad

title taken from billy joel's 'leningrad'

-

The second time in her life Piper McLean saw Percy Jackson was at Camp Jupiter when he was 16 and she was 15 after months of work trying to find him. 

There was something to be said in him running to Annabeth immediately, something that she adored immensely, but there was also something to be said in the look on his face when he realized who Piper was. 

“Piper McLean?!” he exclaimed, face slack. 

She spread her arms. “In the flesh!” She smiled. 

“Wow!” He ran the fingers of the hand not holding on to Annabeth’s through his hair. “I was starting to think I’d never see you again.” Next to him, Annabeth smiled. Piper knew she was nearly as excited to see her boyfriend’s reunion with Piper as she was to experience her and Percy’s own reunion. “So, you’re a demigod?”

She nodded. “And one of the seven, apparently.” 

Jason and Leo looked at her oddly. So maybe she had neglected to mention her connection to Percy, but why was it any of their business? It had been a stressful time; she could tell them whatever the hell she wanted to tell them. Besides, they could have easily found out if they had ever taken her and Annabeth up on the offer to go to Sally’s. 

Besides, the rest of their reunion would have to wait until after the battle discussion and lunch. 

----

Later, when Jason’s head was healed and the ship had been repaired, Piper and Percy finally had time to catch up with each other at dinner. 

Predictably, Percy, who she had to admit, had done a great job growing up, (cause damn those cheek bones! And muscles - for a very brief second, she was jealous of Annabeth), spent a while staring wistfully at the holograms of Camp Half-Blood. She couldn’t imagine how much he must be missing home. 

Finally, he managed to tear his eyes away from the wall to look over at her. “So, how have you been?” he asked. 

She was pleased to hear excitement in his voice. After nearly 5 years of no contact, she had been afraid Percy would no longer care about their letters, or worse, hate her for allowing them to peter out in the first place, but after hearing Annabeth describe him so many times, she really should have had more faith. 

She rubbed the back of her neck and turned to face him. “Oh, you know…not great,” she answered, about as honestly as she could. “You heard the story.” 

“Yep,” he chuckled. “That I did.” He grinned and stuck out his hand. “Welcome to your new life as a demigod. It fucking sucks, but on the bright side, you also get to be completely ignored by the parent you never knew you had!” 

Piper laughed and shook his offered hand, also getting into it. “Yeah, you also get these cool powers that come in real handy when your godly parent finally decides you’re worth their time.” They were both laughing at this point. 

“Hang on,” Leo said suddenly, making a T with his hands in the timeout symbol. “You two know each other, how?” At the other end of the table, Hazel, Frank, and Annabeth turned to look toward their side as if sensing the change in topic. 

Jason spoke up. “I would also like to know.”

Percy and Piper both grinned, and she knew he was remembering the exact same thing she was. “Okay, so it all happened 12 years ago when Piper was being a problem child at the New York City Aquarium-”

Piper broke in. “I was not being a problem child! That could have happened to anyone,” she defended herself. 

“Yeah, but it happened to you,” Percy responded and poked her in the side. “Anyway, and we were both toddlers by the way, my mom and I were at the aquarium when I happened to find Piper crying in a corner looking for her dad, so-”

“He fucking introduced himself and asked me what my name was like it was a preschool socialization lesson!” she finished for him. “Then he saw Dad and I on TV a few years later and convinced his mom to let him send me a letter.”

Percy laughed. “Yeah, and we kept up with each other for a few years. We only stopped around the time I found out I was a demigod.”

“That was also around the time I started stealing and went to boarding school,” Piper informed them matter-of-factly. 

The others barring Annabeth stared at them rather blankly. She supposed Frank and Hazel were pretty straight laced to be hearing this kind of story, but Jason and Leo should know her well enough to not be surprised. 

Thankfully, Annabeth started laughing. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. This isn’t even one of the weirder things they’ve done.”

Percy laughed. “You got that right.” 

Leo gaped at him. “What is your life?” 

“You don’t want to know,” Percy answered. 

Pretty soon, everyone went back to their previous conservations, allowing Percy and Piper to return to theirs. 

Percy was the first to start. “You know, those letters really meant a lot to me. Those were some of the hardest years of my life, and I was really lucky to have a friend like you.” 

Piper smiled. “Same here. And I’m really glad we got to see each other again!”

“Yeah,” Percy agreed. “Hopefully, this time, it sticks.”

----

A few months after that pseudo-initial meeting, Piper found herself on the steps of the Poseidon cabin, hand poised above the door. 

Am I really about to do this? she thought. Once she told Percy, there was no going back. 

She knocked. 

Right away, she heard footsteps from inside, and then the door was being opened, and she was walking through, and -

“I’m gonna break up with Jason,” she blurted, then slapped a hand over her mouth. 

Percy’s eyes grew wide, and he shut the door. “Maybe we should sit down,” he said weakly. 

She nodded vigorously. “That’d be good.”

Once they were seated facing each other on his bed (that he had to slide a pile of dirty clothes off of, though in Piper’s opinion, it looked no better on the floor than it had on the bed), he said, “I’m not gonna lie, this isn’t exactly surprising.”

She raised her eyebrows and motioned for him to explain. 

“I just mean, with how you started, I kinda thought you guys would’ve ended things a long time ago, what with the memory manipulation and all,” he hurried to explain. 

“Yeah,” she nodded. Piper was not at all surprised that Percy hadn’t just taken her relationship with Jason at face value; he was far smarter than people gave him credit for. “Lately, I’ve been finding it harder and harder to get past that.” She picked at his blue comforter. 

“That’s understandable. I love Annabeth more than anything, but if we’d gotten together because Hera had implanted memories in one of our minds, I don’t think we would’ve lasted very long. Plus, we probably would’ve chewed Hera out and gotten ourselves killed.” He grinned as did Piper. That sounded exactly like something her friends would do. 

She cleared her throat. This was the hard part. “There’s one more reason I wanna break up with him.” She took a deep breath, and Percy looked at her worriedly. “I think I might be-,” she hesitated, “-not straight.”

He looked at her, stunned. “When did-how did you-what-?” he paused, gathering his thoughts. “How long have you been questioning?” he finally asked. 

It was Piper’s turn to be surprised. While Percy was smarter than he seemed, she certainly never would’ve pegged him as a guy up to date on LGBTQ+ terms. 

“A while now,” she answered truthfully. “I guess it started after I put Gaia to sleep. I felt really powerful, you know? It made me think about why I was actually with Jason if we didn’t even start out truthfully. Then that kinda made me feel like maybe I didn’t need a man at all, and the only reason I thought I was supposed to be with him was because of Hera, who would’ve assumed we were both straight. Then I did a bit of a deep dive into queer media and sexuality, and now I think I’m either a lesbian or bi.” She took another deep breath, heart pounding. “And that’s it.”

Percy just looked at her, smiling. “I’m really glad you told me.” Then, he held up a finger in a wait a minute gesture. She watched him walk over to a desk in the corner stacked with books, papers, and pens and pencils. That must be new, she thought. She didn’t remember that being there the last time she was in the Poseidon cabin. A gift from his father, maybe, for saving the universe again? An answered prayer for a smooth and uninterrupted senior year from a certain goddess of wisdom? Whatever it was, she was glad Percy had it. 

Then, he shifted a stack of books to the floor, and she stared, for tacked to the wall was a small bisexual flag over a demiromantic flag as well as a demisexual flag. 

She pointed, stunned. “Y-you-”

“Yep,” he chuckled. “Me, too.”

----

Another few months after that eye opening conversation found the two of them and Annabeth at Percy’s apartment in Manhattan, Annabeth working on school work at the kitchen table and Piper on the living room floor while Percy carefully sectioned her hair into two Dutch braids. 

“You know,” Piper was saying, “I’m starting to think there are no more decent single people.”

Percy laughed. “In the whole world?”

“In the whole world,” she confirmed. They had just finished telling Percy all about the last date she had been on in which the girl had shown up sweaty, 20 minutes late, and still in her gym clothes. The girl had then proceeded to spend the entire date gushing about Piper’s dad and how cool was it to have a movie star as a parent? despite Tristan having been blacklisted and bankrupted several weeks prior. She’d also flat out refused to refer to Piper as anything but ‘she’ even though Piper had mentioned several times that their pronouns were she/they. To top it all off, the girl had sent her food back five times and made Piper pay because there was, “No way a few little lawsuits could have taken all of the great Tristan McLean’s money.” All in all, not the best date she had been on, but definitely not the worst, either. That award went to the blind date with the guy who spent the whole date complaining about how the gays were ruining America. 

“She’s right,” Annabeth called from the kitchen. “I’ve got the only good one in the entire universe.” 

If Piper could’ve seen Percy’s face, she knew they’d be seeing a deep blush gracing his cheeks. “I know, right?” Piper added. “If only we were living in a world of Percys, life would be so much easier.”

The fingers in her hair stilled. “I don’t think I’m that great,” Percy said sheepishly. “I just love her and take her on dates.”

Annabeth snorted derisively. “You also rearrange your day to make sure we have time to actually talk to each other, you comfort me after nightmares, you bring me things when they remind you of me, you let me talk to you about architecture, you don’t get mad when I beat you at stuff, you don’t step in and try to fix things for me when I’m having trouble or when I’m fighting, you’re incredibly romantic, you’re a feminist without even realizing it, need I go on?” she finished smugly. 

Percy huffed. “But that’s just basic stuff. Doesn’t everyone do that?”

Piper laughed at him, no longer trying to hide it. “And he doesn’t even think he’s special! You’re right, Annabeth, he’s the last true good one.”

Annabeth made a noise of agreement and turned back to her homework now that she’d won the discussion. 

Piper returned her attention to Percy. “Seriously, dude, that stuff isn’t normal.  You’re like, the number one boyfriend,” they informed him. “Just accept it.”

He laughed nervously. “No way.” 

She shook her head. “I’m serious! Jason and Leo are convinced that Calypso and I broke up with them because they couldn’t compete with you,” they said, smiling. 

“We’ll agree to disagree,” he said, tieing off her hair. 

She turned to him. “Fine, but mark my words. You’re gonna realize one day that you’re the best boyfriend in the world.”

Annabeth snorted again. “Sure he will.”

----

“All right, I admit it. I was wrong,” Piper said a few months later. “There was one more good single person left, but now she’s mine!” 

Percy smiled. “Is that right? Tell me again how amazing Reyna Remirez-Arellano is, cause I haven’t heard it 30 times already.”

“Gladly,” she smirked. “But maybe later. It looks like they’ve found the place.” Up ahead, Annabeth and Reyna had stopped in front of a Mexican Restaurant that Annabeth had heard about from one of her classmates at NRU, one that Reyna had somehow not heard of despite her several years as praetor. It hadn’t taken long for Piper to suggest a double date, both for the two couples to catch up as well as for Reyna to ensure that she knew about all of New Rome’s establishments. 

That was another thing Piper was eternally grateful for. Reyna had come out of nowhere. Months of first dates, helping their dad, hanging out with her family in Oklahoma, and frantically catching up on school, and one trip to Camp Jupiter had completely unraveled all of it.

Piper had been there to help Jason and Annabeth start the minor gods temple project, but her part was very brief, mostly just negotiating with the various New Rome leaders. She had ended up spending almost the entire time hanging out with Reyna, allowing them to show each other previously hidden facets of themselves. They had both done some soul searching, Reyna more so than Piper, and, after an impulsive decision on Reyna’s part, the two had ended up together, and they couldn’t be happier. 

That had also ended with Piper deciding to move on to the next phase in their life where they would do hybrid classes in Oklahoma, partly online and partly in person, allowing her to spend part of the month with their family and the other part with Reyna (and Percy and Annabeth) in New Rome. It was really the best of both worlds. 

Percy turned back to them. “You coming?”

She smiled. “Always.”

[endlich-allein]

Interview with Till about his life: he fought with his father, killed his beloved dog, swam on a wild river and worked on suffering. How Till Lindemann's mind works

"I will finish you off" and why you fought for the German army.

Werner Lindemann wanders around the room, interrupting the silence with strange questions, writing something down. His motive is to get to know his son and make him a friend. But it's complicated. Generational conflict.

"My island of tranquility is shaken every day. The day before yesterday, a guy pulled on my socks because his were torn. Yesterday he didn't put out a single lamp in the house. Now, with voluptuous delight, he spits cherry pits into the cat's fur. Is this grown boy really an adult?"

The apprenticeship in Rostock, where you have to do window production after graduation, is the limit of boredom. Till Lindemann moved to his father in the countryside so that he could forget about the hustle and bustle of the city and not fall under the article for anti-social attitudes. He thought of a new life, in which there was no pointless work, and arranged an attic in his father's house.

In the mornings over coffee, he scolded life that everything went according to schedule. And listened very loudly to music - electronics and metal. My father didn't understand and grumbled: “I matured late. Naturally, I wanted to listen to the music I liked, but I could not get my hands on these records. For example, my father did not understand when I bought the Alice Cooper record for a month's salary.

Werner Lindemann was a children's writer who went through the war.

At the height of his career he disappeared for weeks on literary tours - his fame spread to teachers and librarians across the country. His father pecked at Lindemann for refusing to work and promised to turn him in:

"My willful child. What doesn't fit his standards is rejected as nonsense or crap." So he took a job as a carpenter, where he made shovel cuttings and cart wheels. The head foreman constantly drank vodka during the day, didn't want to be annoyed with questions and addressed the long-haired Lindemann with the nickname: "Mozart!" This suited him.

Werner Lindemann talked about war, hard existence and limitations. For example, about a grenade splinter that remained in his body. Lindemann did not believe in all these stories - but categorically did not accept service, war and murder:

“After that I objected: “I would hide, I would not go to war. Why did you even let yourself be dragged into this? You could have hidden."

And he said: “It didn't work out. They searched for it and it took away."

Then I said: “I would rather go under arrest. Never in my life, I would go to the front line to shoot people. It's against my nature. It would be better if I went to jail."

Much of the time father and son were simply silent, even while watching television.

"He regularly made me feel guilty, to say the least, he placed himself on a pedestal towards me: I shouldn't complain. At your age, I ran barefoot through the stubble, and in my stomach - a potato in a uniform."

The only acceptance is Mike Oldfield's music: "One day my father came to grumble again. At that moment I was listening to Mike Oldfield, and he sat down and said: "That sounds interesting."

For me it was like a quantum leap: my father sits in my room, listens to my music and thinks it was good. Probably because of melancholy. He was sitting in a rocking chair that I made myself - at the time I was working as a carpenter on a farm. I, too, always sat in an armchair, immersed myself in music and smoked hand-rolled cigarettes."

The conflict was intensified by a fight. Lindemann bought a Trabant car, installed speakers in it and tested the sound - loud as usual. “Then my father came and I had to turn off this fucking music. It was kind of loud for him. He was then fiddling around his cases of flowers, and then suddenly the situation escalated. I think he slapped me while I was still in the car.

He leaned toward me and hit me with the back of his hand. I made some bullshit remarks like, "Leave me alone," something like that. That was a provocation to him, and he said: "If you do that again, I'll hit you for real." And I said, "Then you'll get it back. Because you're crazy. Don't you dare to hit me anymore."

And then he hit me with his palm again. He wasn't controlling himself.

He was exalting himself. Instantly he introduced himself as a boxer - he had boxed in the Hitler Youth - and I just... I thought I didn't hit him, I just pushed him away. And then he stood in front of me again, "Come on, I'll finish you, you haven't got a chance!" Somehow. After that, he went up to the attic and threw all my stuff out the window.

It happened over the weekend, my sister was there, a lot of screaming, serious drama. Then I packed my things, put them in the car, went to a friend's house and never went into his house again. At first I lived with this friend, and a week later I bought myself a house in the village."

His father's book is about his son, which the son will only open up after the death of the father.

Lindemann is a late child. He was born when his father was 36. The gap in their relationship was felt in everyday life and perception of the world. Werner Lindemann woke up early in the morning, worked with the circular saw under the windows and did not understand when his son slept until noon after a working week.

Lindemann's parents then lived separately, but kept in touch. Mom worked as a journalist and discussed her texts with his father. "She still lived in Rostock and always came to see him only on weekends. Mostly on Sundays she came back quite early, because she couldn't stand the stress of being with him, either."

In 1988, the book “Mike Oldfield im Schaukelstuhl Notizen eines Vaters" In this book, Lindemann Senior describes the relationship with his son (whom he calls Timm in the book), who settled with him at the age of 18. The book was written in the 80s and laid on the table until the German Democratic Republic and the Federal Republic of Germany were reunited.

Werner Lindemann wanted his son to take up writing too. But this only amused him, although as a child he wrote poetry. At the age of 13, little Till Lindemann and his father were returning home along the bumpy road to Mecklenburg. They talked about career self-determination:

"You should already have thoughts about what you want to become, boy." My answer: "I don't know yet, maybe a fisherman on the high seas."

But immediately, no matter what I said, objections arose: “But then you have to get a certificate of maturity. But then you will be away all the time. But then you won't be able to start a relationship."

There was always a “but”.

At some point it got on my nerves, as usual. And I said: "Worst case scenario, I'll just become a writer.

I still remember how alienated his face became. "And what do you think then, what do I do! It's a very hard job! In fact, it's not even a job, it's a passion. And it's a job that's supposed to be enjoyable."

I said, "I don't know anybody who works with pleasure."

"Yeah, that's the problem. You have to look for a job that gives you pleasure." Then I say again, "But some people never get to choose..." This gigantic discussion happened because I didn't take his profession seriously. At the same time, he was completely lost, funny!"

Lindemann thoughtfully read his father's book, in which he comprehends their relationship, after his death. Faked for hidden anger and indecision. For example, in a situation where their dog Kurt was bitten by a fox. The father was frightened because of rabies: “At the same time, we did not even know whether he was bitten by a fox or not. The father immediately called the huntsman. But I said: no one will enter this courtyard and shoot the dog. I'll do it myself if I really need it. At some point I really had to kill the dog."

Lindemann is not a monster. The animals he fiddled with are an important attribute of childhood. He had an aquarium and hamsters, brought mice and rats home, and was friends with dogs. “Like many children of new buildings, he felt the need for someone alive, in need of love,” said Werner Lindemann. Sometimes the appearance of an animal in the house was surprising:

“This guy will never say what he's up to. He appears on the doorstep at the same time as me. He gets out from his vehicle, throws his coat open and puts a young black shepherd in my hands. "Your Christmas present!"

Till's father is speechless. My son stands before me like the sun's little brother. Touchingly concerned, he directs me into the house, working out a plan for the animal husbandry, accommodation and diet of our new pet housemate.

With confusion, a question flies from my lips, "Wheredid you get the dog from?" "Timm" is gibbering, "Imagine, the mason in the barnyard wanted to hang him, simply wanted to strangle him with a rope, said he was a worthless eater..."

Werner Lindemann died of stomach cancer in 1993, when his son was 30. They didn't finally reconcile, but Till visited him in his last days and was there for him with his mother: "They couldn't be without each other, even though they lived apart. Unreal, but my mother never had another man afterwards. To this day she can't let go of him."

- Not going to the Olympics in Moscow and ending up in the German ghetto

Lindemann had the knowledge and the potential to be a swimmer. And a shyness that pounded harder three days before the competition than concerts in front of crowds of thousands. "I know how difficult it is to develop willpower and stamina and instill those attributes. In the GDR this was instilled in us by coaches and so-called functionaries."

Lindemann came to swimming at the age of eight and devoted his entire youth to the sport. He would get up for training at five in the morning and pass out in the evening. His grandmother watched him from the stands. At a competition in Leipzig she shouted at the coach, who told Lindemann off for a poor result. The grandmother took the coach by the ear and said: "How do you talk to my grandson?"

Sports tightened up his upbringing and developed self-discipline. “Drilling - probably the boy has already received this experience as a swimmer,” Lindemann's father wrote. - Once he had to take second place in a competition, but by no means first place. Of course, he got carried away, forgot about it, became the first, thanks to which he received a shouting for indiscipline. And whenever he lost in the future, his coach would torture him at practice for a long time and yelled at him: "Even if you win, you're not a winner yet!"

Lindemann swam the 1.5 km freestyle and could have gone to the 1980 Olympics in Moscow. Everything was ruined when he left the hotel without permission during a competition in Florence: "I didn't want to run, but just wanted to look at the city. Cars, bikes, girls. I was caught and kicked out of the team, but then I didn't give the required results either."

Lindemann competed at the European Junior Championships, but did not go any higher. After the story in Florence, his career in sport slipped away. Perhaps an abdominal injury influenced his departure. Lindemann is gone, but he doesn't yearn: "I was relatively young. There were no good [memories] left. I was glad it was over."

"The hardest part was getting back to normal. I fell into a real hole. My home was no longer a sports school, but a ghetto in Rostock. Now I stood out through drinking and fighting. I used to be surrounded only by beautiful ladies who were interested in swimming. Now I had fierce women standing in front of me asking, "How come you don't drink?" When I was shy about approaching a girl, it was interpreted as: "Are you gay?"

Lindemann now works with a coach and swims a few kilometers before his tours to get in shape: "When I exercise, I feel a certain lightness - not only physically, but also mentally. I just feel better. The main problem is staying in shape. That's where self-discipline comes into play. Teeth grinding is important."

- Three weeks in the wild and loneliness as a creative tool

Emotionally, concerts = sports:

"How do I go on tour? Hungry. And happy. It is good to compare concerts with sport. You don't want to do both at first. You don't want to go on stage. You don't want to go to the pool. You don't want to go to the boxing ring. It all happens with reluctance. It has to be accepted somehow, that's life: spring, summer, fall, winter.

When it's done, winter's gone, the blooming begins, greenery appears, it gets bright, and you start to get a taste for it. When it's over, you feel happy. Then the body produces a sea of chemistry, a lot of happiness hormones. I think the body rewards itself."

The stage, like sports, is an embarrassment, but a necessity. Lindemann wore dark glasses in order to collect fewer views from the audience. Therefore, a couple of steps before the water, he looked at the pool with a shiver. You need to cope with yourself in order to open up to new emotions.

Lindemann's gut requires solitude and moderate solitude. This is the point:

“Loneliness is always good for a creative push - you drink a glass of wine and you feel even shitier. Art is not complete without suffering; art exists to compensate for suffering."

With his friend Joey Kelly, Lindemann spent three weeks on the Yukon River. They paddled through the wilderness in a kayak for eight to 10 hours each and lived in a tent. Lindemann didn't take a tape recorder with him, so he transferred the lyrics wandering in his head on paper.

They were catching inspiration and atmosphere:

"There were times when we wouldn't say a word for hours, but then: look there, look there! It was breathtakingly beautiful. These relatively fast-changing panoramas and skies, layers of clouds, the colors.

Except for a few bears and wolves, it's hard to see anyone else out there, it's exhilarating. Along the way we saw two hunters setting traps. No one else.

I grew up in the countryside, and I have a very strong connection to nature. I love fishing, hunting. It's an archaic experience that I like to revisit over and over again. When I'm in the city for too long, I start to miss it."

To recreate situations in the Yukon, Lindemann and Kelly trained for nine months on the Rhine river in Germany because of its liveliness.

"We went down the Rhine to where the transport ships create huge bow waves. If we hadn't had a coach with us, we probably would have been sunk by the side wave impact already during our first attempt," Lindemann said.

Together with Kelly, he had four sessions with two coaches and swam from Cologne to Koblenz [more than 100 kilometers by car]. Lindemann trained separately each week on the lakes in Mecklenburg. It's both physically challenging and savage identical to being natural.

In 2015, Till started his solo project Lindemann. On the album Skills In Pills, the song Yukon was released, in which the lyrics appeared first, and then the music.

- "My lyrics come from pain rather than desire."

The country boy is big and not much of a talker. That's how the Rammstein members saw him at the start, when they were hanging out at home. "He looked cool, like a big peasant talking one sentence an hour," keyboard player Christian "Flake" Lorenz recalled. - He always had food and vodka. He'd just steal a couple of ducks somewhere and cook them on a tray. And then, frozen like in Sleeping Beauty, there were people lying in corners and on trunks in his house."

Lindemann loves and appreciates home gatherings. This came from my father, who always had guests. “In my opinion, this is the little bit that I inherited from him. Throwing parties and gathering people. Throwing parties and getting people together. He just enjoyed being a good host. The house was always full of guests from Leipzig, from Rostock, foreign guests, even from Kazakhstan.

It was always exciting for him. He stood at the stove, cooked, bought an abundance of wine, and there was always a fire in the garden. At some point he stopped drinking, then he left the party at 21:00 and the whole company continued to feast. And in the morning he got up at four, cleaned and tidied up."

Till Lindemann is about self-digging, overcoming and childish shyness, which is covered by a pumped-up figure of a swimmer. This is how Lindemann decrypts himself:

• “And I really am like a big child - ill-mannered, but harmless. People think that I am always strong, explosive. This is not true. I am sensitive and easily hurt, but in love I am romantic and passionate."

• “At the very beginning, you sit somewhere in a dark room, open a bottle of wine and figure out how to make the lyrics popular with the music. At first you only have a vague idea of ​​what it could be.

And when, three years after recording, mixing, and more mixing, developing the artwork, all this nonsense, then you stand on stage, and what you came up with then really works, when you manage to get 20 thousand people to raise their hands, then you experience incredible sensations."

• “Art is a kind of therapy.

When I feel that something is arising inside me, domineering and is most often dark, I need to give it a way out, otherwise it will simply crush me. So destruction and self-destruction are the two pillars on which my creativity is based.

But everyone chooses this for himself.

• “My lyrics arise from feelings and dreams, but still more from pain than by desire. I often have nightmares, and I wake up at night sweating, as I see terrible bloody scenes in my dreams. My lyrics are a kind of valve for the lava of feelings in my soul.

We are all struggling to hide behind good manners and outward decency, but in fact we are governed by instincts and feelings: hunger, thirst, horror, hatred, the desire for power and sex. Of course, there is also additional energy in us - this is love. Without it, all human feelings would fade away."

- "When you're constantly living someone else's life, it's very hard to get back into your own skin. I like that in principle, but sometimes you start to get confused - are you out of a role or not yet. You're already Till, or you're still a homicidal maniac."

- "I hate the noise. I hate the chatter. I expose myself to it, which is pure masochism. And then I have to protect myself from it. Noise makes you crazy. You die in it."

• “I think there is no God. And if he is and actually allows all the misfortunes on this earth, then he must punish me along with other sufferings. I will not pray to such a god."

This is how the members of Rammstein see Till - flexible and with a split personality:

Guitarist Paul Landers: "Till is so good that when you let him know that his lyrics should go in a different direction, the very next day he brings a new version of the song."

Guitarist Richard Kruspe: “He's a hell of an extreme man. He dives very deeply into situations where I cannot follow him. Everything he does is very extreme; I don't know anyone who does it. "

Drummer Christoph Schneider: "I would not want to be in Till's shoes: his soul is tormented by doubts and contradictions, he is equally a moralist and a monster."

June 1, 2021 - Translate by Lindemann Belgium

[seitmai]

As always, many thoughts

“Mama be mad?” His brows furrow as he starts bouncing around even more. Andy knows he has moments before Suede has an accident and gets upset for doing so.

🥺🥺🥺

“Hands, Suede,” Andy’s voice is soft, but demanding. It’s not a question, it’s what Suede has to do. “Ugh,” groaning, he gets on the stool, grunting as he reaches for the soap.

Kids and washing hands, either they love it and do it excessively or only when you remind them 😅

“Pies,” pineapples. Close enough. “NaNa, my ove oo,” he lays his head on Andy’s chest, snuggling in a bit tighter. He always tells fibs about being sleepy. Sleepy Suede, is more cuddly loving Suede. “I love you, too, buddy. You ready to watch some Bluey?”

🥹🥰🥹🥰

This is the sight you’ve always wanted to see; a sticky-faced little boy snuggled up against his dad’s chest, while both of them are passed out. The comfort that Suede feels with Andy matches the way he feels about you. You have no fears when he’s with Andy.

What a sight 🥹🥰

He makes your ovaries ache. Seeing how good he is with children that aren’t his, you know this man deserves someone of his blood. You don’t know how, but you’ll make it happen.

Understandable

You didn’t want to travel for Christmas, but Andy had the time off for Thanksgivng. You had the time off. You missed your family, and wanted them to see Andy with your babies. Let them see how much the kids have grown, and also a grownup Andy. Your mom obsessively talked about him. Even told you on your wedding day you should try and find Andy again because you were making a mistake. Mom’s always know best. And your mom definitely knew.

Mom was/is definitely not a Scott fan 😅

“I called Andy daddy,” she sighs, and finally looks up at you. You meet her with a smile on your face. You and Andy hadn’t found the time or the way to bring up that comment. “It was at donuts for dad, and I just think I got confused. My head was all mushy, and I didn’t mean it. But I liked having him there, and showing my room. You’re the only one that’s seen it.”

She is worrying so much 🥺

Her face falls to sadness, and you lay down the knife. Walking around the counter island to hug her, “Sweet girl, Andy and I aren’t mad.” “But what about my daddy? Are you going to tell him?” You weren’t. But eventually if Audrey kept feeling comfortable with Andy, and letting that title slip, he would know.

Poor thing is so stressed out about it 🥺

“What about daddy?” She pouts. No matter what, this little girl adores her dad, and she’s already over concerned about Scott’s opinion. “Won’t he be mad?” “We don’t have to tell daddy if you don’t want to. Daddy never has to know. I don’t want you to stress about this. You’re four, almost five,” Scott is going to keep on and turn your precious child into a neurotic clam.

💔💔💔

A finger taps on her chin, humming so sweetly while she thinks. “Can we go to the aquarium, and soft play, and then pizza, and then go to a movie?” “I think that sounds like a magical day. Who do you want to go?” “Our family,” you want to squeeze her so tight. Her sweetness comes out of her, and you need to preserve these little moments. “You, and me, and Suedey, and Andy,” you nod your head.

A magical and fun day with the family 🥰

“Audrey, you are the cutest, most sweetest little girl I’ve ever met, you know that?” “Yes, I do,” she gives you a little giggle, returning to her PlayDoh.

Maybe if my boyfriend didn’t walk around the damn house with his dick swinging around,” he grimaces at the word boyfriend and the way you emphasized it. “Get hard!” “Make me,” you’re a bit irritated at him, but not enough to refuse making him hard. You sink to your knees, and take his hardening cock into your hand. You kiss over his member. Looking up at him with the sweetest face that you can muster. You’re not sweet. You’re a goddamn whore for Andy Barber.

🤭🤭🤭

“You just said you were horny, so I’m going to fuck you, and then we can talk about everything else like adults.”

Sounds like a great plan to me 🤷🏻‍♀️

“No. No, they weren’t. Your favorite ones are those pink ones. They cover your full ass, and there’s something about the way they just don’t move on your body, so you’re not tugging them around all day,” you really gawk at him. He’s right. “And when we sleep, your ass cheeks hang out just the tiniest bit and I want to bite each one. So not only are they comfortable on you, they look amazing on, or on the floor.”

I'm blushing just reading this

“Everything!” He stalls his movements, before leaning over you. His hands in a fist to hold his weight off you just enough. But you want to feel him on you. You want to feel that slight pressure and weight, and know that he’s there, “Everything. I don’t know how to explain it, and I don’t know how to talk about it. I spent so many years sucking up my problems because I didn’t have a real job, and he did. You don’t want to hear about my problems because you’re busier than me.” “I do,” you shake your head no, but Andy grips onto your chin tightly. His hips slowly push and pull him out of your warmth. You really are a damn teenager. Can’t have an adult conversation without needing your boyfriend-fiancé’s cock inside of you, and all you can do is cry and shake your head. “Doe, I want to hear everything. We are partners. When you don’t feel well, I don't feel well. I want you to be happy because that makes my days better.”

🥰🥰🥰

“I did. That’s what I want. I want to kiss away all your tears, and I want us to be okay. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me,” tears steadily flow down your face, and he keeps kissing over your cheeks, and it doesn’t help. Except those tears stop hurting so much. You’re now crying because you’re so happy with the right partner. “Honey, I love you.”

He's so dreamy 😍

“She’s terrified of clowns, and characters in costumes,” she likes her characters 2D. “She’s not over that yet?” “Are you over your fear of sharks?” Scott huffs.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You lift up on your elbows, throwing all caution to the wind when you grab Andy’s ass, and pull him deeper into you. You wink at your fiance. “Do you think he doesn’t know the disdain that you have for him? How you won’t even spend the goddamn time to help him pee in the potty while he’s there? Do you think Audrey doesn’t tell me about the giggling you and Taylor did when he cried because he had an accident that smelled. Shit stinks, you asshole. Even your precious Taylor’s. So either you have a party that Suede can fully be a part of, or don’t bother throwing a party that she doesn’t even want anyways.”

Let it all out 👏🏻

“And then my postpartum depression cramped your sex life. And then our son became the number one man in my life. And then our son was sick all the time. You never even tried to connect with him. You never even noticed that I was drowning. All you cared about was getting your dick wet. So my advice to you is to make sure you don’t knock Taylor up, because you can’t handle anything with a penis being put above you. Is that all?”

I definitely know where Audrey gets her sass from 🤭👏🏻

The only thing you want is to know that your babies are safe, and in a loving environment. And if he can’t provide that for them, he might as well just give up trying to fight for them. He only fights for them because it hurts you. But his fight is becoming stale. The only thing he’s holding onto is his pride. Knowing that Audrey could be his legacy, and never thinking that his son could. He wants you to hurt. He wants to shove something in Andy’s face. And all at the expense of his children.

He is a true asshole

One of these days, he’ll give up on the fight. And when he does, you know that Andy won’t hesitate to pick up those pieces, and be willing to adopt both children, and legally become their father. It’s in knowing a man. It’s knowing that even when you’re acting ridiculous in an argument, that Andy isn’t going to stop. That he’s not going to make some snarky comment that kills your self worth.

Oh he will and he will give 120% and do it all with the biggest smile

“Woman, being called daddy by you is not my thing. I know you’re doing it to make me cringe. But I just had the best sex of my life, and pissed off a little wanna be man in the process. Let me revel in that fact, and also the fact that your cunt is so full of me that your eyes are swimming,” you shake your head no. His hand is still covering you, but he knows you're smiling.

🤭🤭🤭

He could tell you about all the things that are different about you, but he’ll save it. He won’t be able to save it for too much longer. You’re just being too silly and stressed to realize.

I have a feeling what this could mean and I had it at some other parts especially in this chapter too, so let's see 🤔

Two Good Reasons, Part 8

Summary: something is happening

Pairings: Andy Barber X Reader

Rating: explicit

Warnings:  explicit language, explicit sexual content, playful degradation, mentions of divorce, mentions of neglect, unprotected sex, slight voyeurism, Scott, creampie, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 5.7K

Previous

Series Masterlist

*dividers created by @firefly-graphics

“NaNa?” Suede looks up from the toys he’s playing with pointing down the hallway to your bedroom. Desperately trying to get Andy to wake you up, “Mama and Dee seep?”

“Yes, buddy,” Suede huffs a bit. Crossing his arms over his chest before his mouth flattens out, and he returns to his playing. Andy watches him a moment before looking back at the game on tv. Suede looks back down the hallway before pouting up at Andy, “Suedey, what’s wrong?”

“Me pee,” he says, rocking his body back and forward.

“In your diaper?” He shakes his head no, looking towards the bathroom, and he jumps up. His feet bounce around a bit before he jumps, holding himself. “Okay. Come on,” Andy stands up, and walks quickly towards Suede, “Let’s go, buddy.”

“Mama be mad?” His brows furrow as he starts bouncing around even more. Andy knows he has moments before Suede has an accident and gets upset for doing so.

“Your mama won’t be mad. Come on,” Suede holds himself as he runs towards the bathroom, and makes it to his potty just in time. He gives Andy a thumbs up, smiling so proudly at him. “You made it! Does that feel better than a diaper?”

“Chess! Me yike it. NaNa pee der?” Suede points at the bigger toilet, and Andy nods his head, “Me, too?”

“One day. And you’ll get to stand.”

“No,” Andy nods his head yes. “No, no.”

“Has your dad never,” he stops his question when Suede scrunches his nose up. Andy approaches the boy carefully. A child with so very little vocabulary, and still so young, but clearly Scott hadn’t been teaching him anything about pottying.

“Tay.”

“Taylor?” Suede nods his head, and Andy wonders what his limited words are trying to tell him. He’s noticed that you don’t ever press your children about time at their dad’s, so he doesn’t want to either. But he wonders if Taylor is the one that deals with bathroom or diaper duty, “You done?”

“Chess! My mama at?”

“She and Audrey are taking a nap,” Suede dramatically rolls his eyes at Andy, and pulls up his pants. “Audrey has a bit of a cold, and your mama is tired.”

“Ways seep!” He rolls his eyes again, starting to stomp out of the bathroom.

“Hands, Suede,” Andy’s voice is soft, but demanding. It’s not a question, it’s what Suede has to do.

“Ugh,” groaning, he gets on the stool, grunting as he reaches for the soap.

“I know mama has been needing some extra sleep lately, but it happens to everyone,” Suede shakes his head no, starting to play more in the water than washing his hands. “Yes, they do. Your mom works hard, she loves you and sissy harder, and…”

“Ove oo.”

“Yes, she loves me, too. Are you finished?” Suede giggles as Andy picks him up to use the towel. He swings him around until he’s sitting on his hip, and he peeks into the bedroom, and you’ve still got Audrey tight against your body. Your nose buries into her watermelon scented hair, and she clings just as tightly to you.

Suede gets one look at you and growls, “Now, you’ve got to share time with your mom. You could have taken a nap, too, and you said no. You want to nap?”

“No,” shaking his head no, he points at Andy’s chest. Sputtering out words before sighing. Once Andy gets into the living room, he points at the tv.

“You want to watch the game or Bluey?”

“Oo Oo,” that settled that. He yawns, and Andy chooses to ignore it, if you bring up nap to Suede, he’ll refuse it just to spite you. Still holding him he walks into the kitchen. Grabbing himself a beer, and a cup of watered down juice for Suede. “Nack, pease,” his speaking has immensely improved. Suede has slowly been able to put words into sentences.

“A snack. Hmm. What about your fruit salad? No strawberries, and no..?”

“Pies,” pineapples. Close enough. “NaNa, my ove oo,” he lays his head on Andy’s chest, snuggling in a bit tighter. He always tells fibs about being sleepy. Sleepy Suede, is more cuddly loving Suede.

“I love you, too, buddy. You ready to watch some Bluey?”

“Chess!” But his ’yes’ is just a little bit softer, and he never lifts his head off Andy’s chest.

—

You yawn, looking down at your daughter who rubs the sleep out of her eyes. Audrey looks up at you, giving you a sleepy smile, “Did you sleep as hard as mommy?”

“Uh huh,” she sits up in the bed, stretching big. “I like this new bed. Can we see what Andy and Suedey are doing,” she jumps out of the bed immediately, but waits for you to stretch, too. Going behind her, you scoop her up in your arms to blow raspberries all over her, but stop when you walk into the living room.

This is the sight you’ve always wanted to see; a sticky-faced little boy snuggled up against his dad’s chest, while both of them are passed out. The comfort that Suede feels with Andy matches the way he feels about you. You have no fears when he’s with Andy. You know that Andy has his allergies memorized, but also checks the list that’s on the fridge constantly.

He wanted to watch some football, but opted for Bluey so Suede could fall asleep. He agreed to stay up a bit longer with Suede, spend some one on one time with him, while you and Audrey were already piled up and snuggled. Sunday naps are your favorite for a reason.

“They’re sleeping,” Audrey looks at you with a big smile. You know she enjoys seeing Suede being happy and more content here. She shouldn’t have to worry about her brother, but she does. The best big sister you could have asked for. “Suedey likes Andy a whole whole lot.”

“So does Audrey, huh?” She giggles, nodding her head. “How about mommy and Audrey get a snack, and you can play at the table while mommy makes dinner?” She nods again, while you look back at Andy and Suede. He makes your ovaries ache. Seeing how good he is with children that aren’t his, you know this man deserves someone of his blood. You don’t know how, but you’ll make it happen.

You honestly can’t even wait to spend all these holidays with Andy and the kids. Biting on your lip, you glance at the family calendar, knowing it’s past time to ask Scott if you can go back to Michigan with the kids to spend time with your family for Thanksgiving. It was your weekend to have them. Scott hadn’t told you about plans with Taylor’s family, or if he was even interested in seeing them on the holiday.

You didn’t want to travel for Christmas, but Andy had the time off for Thanksgivng. You had the time off. You missed your family, and wanted them to see Andy with your babies. Let them see how much the kids have grown, and also a grownup Andy. Your mom obsessively talked about him. Even told you on your wedding day you should try and find Andy again because you were making a mistake. Mom’s always know best. And your mom definitely knew.

“Mommy?” You look up from slicing the vegetables for a roast, letting Audrey know she has your attention, “I think I messed up.”

“Why’s that?” She bites on her lip, looking more like you every day, even with her mannerisms. Audrey looks down at the PlayDoh she’d been kneading, and looks down the hallway towards the living room. “Audi? Is everything okay?”

“I called Andy daddy,” she sighs, and finally looks up at you. You meet her with a smile on your face. You and Andy hadn’t found the time or the way to bring up that comment. “It was at donuts for dad, and I just think I got confused. My head was all mushy, and I didn’t mean it. But I liked having him there, and showing my room. You’re the only one that’s seen it.”

Her face falls to sadness, and you lay down the knife. Walking around the counter island to hug her, “Sweet girl, Andy and I aren’t mad.”

“But what about my daddy? Are you going to tell him?” You weren’t. But eventually if Audrey kept feeling comfortable with Andy, and letting that title slip, he would know.

“Do you want me to?” She shakes her swiftly, and buries herself into your chest. “No. But I also think you should call Andy whatever feels natural. You naturally called him that because at that moment that’s what he felt like to you. Baby, Andy adores and loves you, and doesn't not care what you call him. Unless it’s something like poppy head,” Audrey giggles, finally lifting up from your body.

“What about daddy?” She pouts. No matter what, this little girl adores her dad, and she’s already over concerned about Scott’s opinion. “Won’t he be mad?”

“We don’t have to tell daddy if you don’t want to. Daddy never has to know. I don’t want you to stress about this. You’re four, almost five,” Scott is going to keep on and turn your precious child into a neurotic clam.

Her little fingers pet over your shirt, looking like she’s up to something. Her sly smile is so cute that you just want to give her a hard kiss on her cheek. “Can we go to Paris for my birthday?”

“No,” you answer quickly. Traveling out of the country with ‘Scott’s children’ would be out of the question. Going to Paris before her birthday would be even more so with planning alone. “Pick somewhere else to go.”

“Nini and Poppy’s?”

“That’s what I’m hoping to do for Thanksgiving. What about something around here?”

A finger taps on her chin, humming so sweetly while she thinks. “Can we go to the aquarium, and soft play, and then pizza, and then go to a movie?”

“I think that sounds like a magical day. Who do you want to go?”

“Our family,” you want to squeeze her so tight. Her sweetness comes out of her, and you need to preserve these little moments. “You, and me, and Suedey, and Andy,” you nod your head. Pressing a kiss to her forehead before placing her back in her seat. She’s making you oddly over emotional, and it feels so confusing and overwhelming, and you love it.

“Audrey, you are the cutest, most sweetest little girl I’ve ever met, you know that?”

“Yes, I do,” she gives you a little giggle, returning to her PlayDoh. You happen to glance at it a moment. “Is this what the judge’s bench looks like,” you finally understand Andy’s frustration with this.

“Audi, why don’t you make a cupcake instead.”

“No, I gotta learn.”

Waking up without the kids feels so awful. Yes, you have your wonderful boyfriend-fiance, and you refuse to call him fiance until he gives you a ring. And while waking up without them at home with you is better with Andy, due to the distraction, but it still sucked. The only good thing is having Andy prance around nearly naked.

He loves to keep the doors locked, the blinds closed, and walk around with his cock out all day. It’s like he’s teasing you. And you have no problem partaking. He really likes it when you’re naked or at least topless. Especially topless cooking, like now.

You’re being cheeky teenagers again, except without so many restrictions. Standing over the pot of soup, you giggle as Andy comes up behind you with his hands on your tits. He looks over your shoulders softly petting around your nipple. His smile is infectious as he pebbles the sensitive skin. “You’re so,” a lewd moan ripples through your throat, and you back your ass into his cock.

“Fuck me.”

“Sensitive,” Andy gives your nipples a hard pinch, and twirls you around to look at him, and you immediately cup his cock, and he meets your energy, except he shoves two fingers into your warmth, and you whimper, “You’re fucking soaked,” he’s shocked at how ready you are for him.

“I’m fucking horny,” you whine, grinding over his fingers like a bitch in heat. You’re so needy for him right now.

“Yeah, no shit, Doe. You are leaking out, and making a mess on your thighs. What has got you worked up?” His voice is laced with so much hunger for you. My god, this man and that cock you can have whenever you want. And you want immediately. “You’re so fucking messy.”

You can’t stop it. There’s something about his voice that sounds accusatory. And you’re fucking horny. You want to have sex, you don’t want to have a lecture. The soup is simmering and not ready. The kids aren’t here. And you want to be fucked so hard you fall asleep again.

“Maybe if my boyfriend didn’t walk around the damn house with his dick swinging around,” he grimaces at the word boyfriend and the way you emphasized it. “Get hard!”

“Make me,” you’re a bit irritated at him, but not enough to refuse making him hard. You sink to your knees, and take his hardening cock into your hand. You kiss over his member. Looking up at him with the sweetest face that you can muster. You’re not sweet. You’re a goddamn whore for Andy Barber.

“You are a horny little slut, hmm?” Shimmying your shoulders, you nod your head with a smile. Sucking his cock into your mouth so you can suck and use your tongue to massage him. Moaning as he turns to steel in your mouth. “Fuck. You seriously are a master with your mouth. My fiance looks amazing just like this. Taking my cock just like she was made to do.”

What? You pull off his cock slowly, and stare up at him scowling, “What?” He asks, mouth hanging open looking at you.

“Seriously?”

He furrows his brows, and you lose patience. Leaning back on your heels, he asks that stupid question again, “What, Doe?” You don’t say anything, just move to stand. “No. You stay and talk to me. What is your deal?”

Your deal? He grabs your arm, but you shrug him off, and march away from him. “Doe!” You keep walking away from him, but he doesn’t let up. Using your real name, and it hurts for some reason. The vitriol reaction you have to hearing him say a name that everyone calls you. Doe is special to him. His little deer.

“Do not call me that, Andy Barber!”

“I seriously have no idea what is going on right now,” of course he wouldn’t. Because he didn’t understand anything. And currently neither do you.

“Ugh!” Spinning back on your heels, you walk away. Again. Heading towards the bedroom. The two of you look utterly ridiculous; you wearing nothing but cheeky panties, and him completely nude with a hard on. Serves him right. Maybe he can have blue balls because the free show is over now. He needs to gravel, and plead.

“I sound stupid!” You scream at yourself, and you fall onto the bed like a petulant child. You sound like a toddler, and still you can’t stop the weird feeling. It’s not anger as much as it’s complete frustration. You can’t make it stop. You want to be fucked. You want Andy to propose like he said he would. You want to move and live in a house that doesn’t have Scott’s name on it. You want your children to quit leaving you every other weekend.

You want Scott to quit throwing lame excuses over your head trying to scare and threaten you. You want him to stop fighting for full custody. You don’t want him to even have joint custody. You want your babies. And you want them with you and Andy.

“Baby,” Andy coos on your back. He peppers kisses all over your back, and you cry more. You’re trying to be mad at him! “Honey, tell me what’s wrong?”

“I hate him,” he doesn’t have to see your face to know your crying. Your trembling body tells him.

“That’s not what set this off. Tell me what made you angry at first,” was it not Scott? Or is everything just rushing at you at once?

“You’re a liar,” you sound like a child. Audrey doesn’t whine as much as you are.

“I am not.”

“You said you were going to propose for real, and you haven’t,” make it stop. Go back to blaming Scott. You sound like an entitled asshole. Andy said he had a ring, and he said he was going to propose, and he will.

“I called you my fiance,” his voice is so soft, and understanding, but it kind of ticks you off again, and you try to resist. You don’t want to make things worse.

“And I hate it here. I hate that he takes our babies away every other weekend, and I only get to see their faces a little bit. Or when Suede tries to text from his ‘mini’ iPad, and it’s just emojis. And I love that you help him potty. And I’m so horny,” Andy chuckles on your back. He uses his feet to push legs apart.

His thick fingers start teasing through your weeping cunt, and another alarm goes off, “You’re trying to change the subject.”

“You just said you were horny, so I’m going to fuck you, and then we can talk about everything else like adults.”

“You fuck me from behind to much,” he growls. Actually growls on your body. “Andy!” His hands grip you tight before flipping you over on your back, and stepping in between your legs. He moves aside your panties, and you know how stupid it sounds inside your head, but you can’t stop it. “Are you seriously trying to fuck me like some bitch you met at the club without taking her panties off?”

He gives you the most angry grin you’ve ever seen. Tight lipped and irritated when he rips the damn things off, “Those were my favorite panties.”

“No, they weren’t,” you gawk at him. “No. No, they weren’t. Your favorite ones are those pink ones. They cover your full ass, and there’s something about the way they just don’t move on your body, so you’re not tugging them around all day,” you really gawk at him. He’s right. “And when we sleep, your ass cheeks hang out just the tiniest bit and I want to bite each one. So not only are they comfortable on you, they look amazing on, or on the floor.”

Andy crashes into your whiny ass warmth, and your back lifts off the bed. “Now, I don’t know what set you off, or why you’re being so unreasonable but I want to talk about it.”

“I want you to fuck me!” He pulls himself all the way out before slamming into so hard. “Fuck me!”

“I am!” He does it again. And again until your eyes start to crash. “I am your partner, and I want to listen to what’s bothering you.”

“Everything!” He stalls his movements, before leaning over you. His hands in a fist to hold his weight off you just enough. But you want to feel him on you. You want to feel that slight pressure and weight, and know that he’s there, “Everything. I don’t know how to explain it, and I don’t know how to talk about it. I spent so many years sucking up my problems because I didn’t have a real job, and he did. You don’t want to hear about my problems because you’re busier than me.”

“I do,” you shake your head no, but Andy grips onto your chin tightly. His hips slowly push and pull him out of your warmth. You really are a damn teenager. Can’t have an adult conversation without needing your boyfriend-fiancé’s cock inside of you, and all you can do is cry and shake your head. “Doe, I want to hear everything. We are partners. When you don’t feel well, I don't feel well. I want you to be happy because that makes my days better.”

“I don’t want him to have our babies,” you said it again without any hesitation. You want Andy to have your children. You would ask him to adopt them today if you knew it was possible.

He nods his head. His rhythm is still so steady, “The custody hearing is getting closer,” it isn’t a question, but you nod your head. He knows that’s part of what’s bothering you, “Honey, I’m not going to let anyone take the kids from us.”

“You can’t promise that,” Andy leans forward, and kisses each cheek, pulling back you notice the shine on his lips. “Did you just kiss my tears away?”

“I did. That’s what I want. I want to kiss away all your tears, and I want us to be okay. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me,” tears steadily flow down your face, and he keeps kissing over your cheeks, and it doesn’t help. Except those tears stop hurting so much. You’re now crying because you’re so happy with the right partner. “Honey, I love you.”

“I love you,” your words bubble over. He’s so perfect, and you’re just not. You’re not a superhuman, you’re not the thinnest, the most beautiful, the smartest, but you know you’re a damn good mom, and you were a good wife to an asshole. But you could be the best wife to Andy. “I want to marry you.”

“You’ve got to get divorced first,” you snort. Finally sounding happier than sadder. He smiles, kissing you gently. “I’ll marry you the day after if that’s what you want.”

“It was always you,” you may sound silly. You two may argue over the stupidest things. But it was always him. “I’m sorry that I’m a child sometimes.”

“You’re normally not,” he bites his lip as he pounds into you quickly. “Now, hold — fucking hell!” He yells, slamming his hand on your phone. “You’re answering it.”

“You are fucking me,” giggling, you read his name, and know why Andy wants you to answer.

“And I’ll keep fucking you. So you better listen to little Scottie the first time,” whimpering, you shake your head no.

“Just finish quickly.”

“I don’t want to, I want to take my time. Answer it.”

Groaning, you click on the phone, “Hey,” Andy is an asshole. He keeps a slow rhythm into your body. “What are you needing?”

“Why do you sound sniffly?”

“My allergies have been irritating me lately,” you can feel his eyes roll, “What’s up?”

“Taylor is wanting to throw Audrey a party,” he blurts out. You don’t hate Taylor. But you don’t think Taylor is capable of throwing Audrey a birthday party either. Plus, she’s got the celebration one in her classroom, and doesn’t love large crowds. “She wants to give her a party at an event center with clowns.”

“She’s terrified of clowns, and characters in costumes,” she likes her characters 2D.

“She’s not over that yet?”

“Are you over your fear of sharks?” Scott huffs. “I’m listening. What else?” Andy pistons into your body so hard that you have to slap your hand over your mouth to keep a sound of deep satisfaction from escaping. “Jerk!”

“Just have Taylor’s family,” why? “And a few kids from her classroom,” a few can range to a large number. “She wants a caterer.”

“For a five year old?” You already see what Taylor is doing. She wants her family there, so she can show off how much her boyfriend can spend on silly little things like a birthday party.

“Not everybody wants to make everything by hand like you, Ms. Perfect,” you know Andy is aware of everything that Scott is saying. It’s why he grits his teeth as he pounds into your body balls deep, and lets the tip of his cock settle against your cervix sweetly. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” just having the best sex with the deepest penetration.

“You’re panting.”

“I just got off the treadmill,” just getting fucked.

“Honey, it’s not baby weight anymore, Suede is two,” another harsh move into you, and Andy’s face starts to turn red. Angry with Scott’s unnecessary harsh words.

“She wants to go to Paris.”

“Absolutely not. I’m not paying for that shit.”

You roll your eyes. Scott seriously didn’t understand, nor were you asking him to pay for anything. “She’s obsessed with Madeline. Why not do a Parisian theme. But for fuck’s sake, can the two of you make sure that Suede can have everything there? You know how kids are.”

“You could keep him that day.”

Andy bites your neck slightly too hard, “Ow.”

“What?” Andy growls on your skin. “Oh god, did I upset Andrew?” No, he’s pissing you off.

“You upset me. Either Suede goes, or you don’t need to throw a party for Audrey,” he starts to say something, but you speak louder, “That’s his sister, and you know the special bond that they have. Either you include Suede in the festivities, or you don’t do it. Audrey will want to talk about it, and it won’t be fair to our son.”

“He’s fucking two years old, he won’t remember it.”

You lift up on your elbows, throwing all caution to the wind when you grab Andy’s ass, and pull him deeper into you. You wink at your fiance. “Do you think he doesn’t know the disdain that you have for him? How you won’t even spend the goddamn time to help him pee in the potty while he’s there? Do you think Audrey doesn’t tell me about the giggling you and Taylor did when he cried because he had an accident that smelled. Shit stinks, you asshole. Even your precious Taylor’s. So either you have a party that Suede can fully be a part of, or don’t bother throwing a party that she doesn’t even want anyways.”

Andy moans, and Scott whispers an expletive. You hope that Scott knows that you’re getting ground into with the biggest cock right now. Andy pushes into you faster. Harder. “Is there a problem, Scott?”

“You can be a bitch sometimes. Just didn’t realize it until after we split.”

“And you can be an asshole sometimes. I always knew it, but I overlooked it for some reason. And if I ever hear about you and Taylor making a comment about Suede’s shitty diaper again…” Andy pushes into you so hard, your eyes roll into the back of your head. You can’t make threats. “He’s a baby, and we are teaching him to potty train. If you don’t want to change diapers, do the same at your house.”

“He’s with you more.”

“Consistency is the key. Is that all?” His side is silent, minus the heavy breathing. You can hear his finger tapping on something. His annoying fucking habit when he gets angry. Fucking asshole. He’s a little bitch. Having to make a two year old feel bad for an accident in his diaper to make him feel superior.

“Audrey shouldn’t — are you,” he pauses. You’ve stunned him into silence, and he doesn’t even know what to say, “What do you want?”

“I want you to treat both our children the same. I want you to treat Suede like he’s your son, and that you love him. I want you to be just as proud of him as you are of Audrey. I want you to stop pushing the responsibilities of our children onto Taylor. I want my son to come home happy. I don’t want him to see me, and not want to let go of me for a few hours. Mmm,” Andy really is an asshole for pushing into you so deep that you can’t stop the sound of bliss.

Scott knows. He knows that Andy is giving it to you so good, and when you get off the phone that Andy is going to fuck you like a slut. “Andy told you to write,” he sighs. Yes, Andy and you have been writing down every indiscretion to your children that he does, “I just can’t connect with him.”

“What are you saying?” Your fingers dig into Andy’s ass. You're angry. You’re pissed. You’re ready to kill your ex.

“I don’t,” he’s choosing his words carefully. You wish he would just rip the bandaid off. “He’s not an easy child. Audrey is. I had bonding time with her. And then…”

“And then my postpartum depression cramped your sex life. And then our son became the number one man in my life. And then our son was sick all the time. You never even tried to connect with him. You never even noticed that I was drowning. All you cared about was getting your dick wet. So my advice to you is to make sure you don’t knock Taylor up, because you can’t handle anything with a penis being put above you. Is that all?”

“Fuck you. You are so self righteous. You act like you’re the perfect fucking parent, and nobody is ever going to compare to you. I hope Andy enjoys trying to please someone who is impossible to please,” you moan again. Having to bite on Andy’s arm. “You fucking slut. How dare you fuck that asshole while you’re talking to me!”

“My fucking slut,” Andy grunts before reaching to your phone, and ending the call. “After this court hearing, and when it’s determined about the kids,” he stops himself. His thrusts are angry. “Do you realize I want to,” you cover his mouth with your hand, shaking your head.

“Do not say that. I just want our,” you smile at him, letting him know that it’s not an accident when you say our, “babies. Oh god,” he ruts into you, and your body becomes soft for him. Pliable to his every move, and you stare at the man that didn’t even have to try, and he reached your ‘impossible’ standards. Scott is wrong. And you’re never going to allow him to hurt your self esteem ever again.

The only thing you want is to know that your babies are safe, and in a loving environment. And if he can’t provide that for them, he might as well just give up trying to fight for them. He only fights for them because it hurts you. But his fight is becoming stale. The only thing he’s holding onto is his pride. Knowing that Audrey could be his legacy, and never thinking that his son could. He wants you to hurt. He wants to shove something in Andy’s face. And all at the expense of his children.

One of these days, he’ll give up on the fight. And when he does, you know that Andy won’t hesitate to pick up those pieces, and be willing to adopt both children, and legally become their father. It’s in knowing a man. It’s knowing that even when you’re acting ridiculous in an argument, that Andy isn’t going to stop. That he’s not going to make some snarky comment that kills your self worth.

He crashes his lips into yours, and the two of you pant. Breathing in each other’s air. Entangling your bodies together in the most beautiful sin. One of these days you won’t have to worry about these conversations. You won’t have to worry about the bane of your existence. You’ll be able to sleep every other weekend because you know that your children are in a safe home.

He presses his forehead against yours while he drives his cock into you so hard. Fusing his body with yours. You can’t look away from his beautiful eyes. Can’t think of anything more besides the fact that Andy is the most beautiful human. Andy is the epitome of a perfect man. Not just in looks, even though he really is the best. But the fact that he isn’t toxic, and he’s all man.

His eyes darken, and his body tightens, “I’m there, Andy.”

“I know, honey,” his salacious moan has your body setting on fire. He’s so vocal during sex that you never have to worry if it truly feels good for him, or if you’re just ‘doing your wifely duties’. “I feel your walls pulsing around me. Squeezing me so tight. Let. Go,” breathing him in, you let every wall fall down as euphoria races through you. Your cunt clenches down around him, and you mewl out his name. Thick. Hot ropes of cum shoot into your pussy, and Andy’s body melts on top of your own.

You just breathe. You soak him all up. Every last drop of him. This will be the one that takes. You know it will be. You furrow your brows as you look up at the ceiling. Counting in your head. Are you even ovulating? Are you…?

“Hey,” he pops up from your chest, smiling, and you forget all the counting. He’s so pretty after sex. “Tomorrow when we go to pick up the kids. There’s somewhere special I want to show you.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Andy!”

“Doe!”

“Daddy!” He covers your mouth with his hand.

“Woman, being called daddy by you is not my thing. I know you’re doing it to make me cringe. But I just had the best sex of my life, and pissed off a little wanna be man in the process. Let me revel in that fact, and also the fact that your cunt is so full of me that your eyes are swimming,” you shake your head no. His hand is still covering you, but he knows you're smiling.

“Yeah, you’re swimming in Andy cum and Andy dick.”

“I love swimming in Andy.”

“Andy just loves you,” and with that, he kisses you softly. Savoring the different taste of you after sex. He could tell you about all the things that are different about you, but he’ll save it. He won’t be able to save it for too much longer. You’re just being too silly and stressed to realize.

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[13uswntimagines]

Never-Ending Adventure (Christen x reader)

Request: R is allergic to animals and she really wants a pet. So the team get her a pet rock from amazon. But let’s be real Ashlyn loses it (ash and ali are her team mom) and everyone is trying to find it while Christen takes her on a date to keep her busy while they look for it

Author’s note: Special thanks to @literaryhedgehog​

“What do you mean you lost Fred?” Christen hissed up the stairs at Ashlyn and Pino, from where they had gotten her attention. All three women glanced back to the kitchen, where you were putting groceries away, but since you hadn’t reacted they returned back to the matter at hand. 

“It was an accident. He just disappeared,” Ashlyn mumbled miserably, her hand scrubbing down her face. One second your beloved pet had been tucked safely inside her suitcase and the next he was gone. 

“He’s a rock. It’s not like he can walk off on his own,” Christen ground out, gritting her teeth. It didn’t matter if Fred couldn’t love you back, you were attached to the googly-eyed rock and his painted face. 

“I would like to remind you, I advocated for her getting her a pet fish in the first place. You can’t be allergic to fish dandruff, and fish are harder to lose track of than a piece of stone.” Tobin added, coming up behind Ashlyn. You were deadly allergic to animals but insisted you wanted a pet. The team had compromised and gotten you a pet rock off of Amazon as a joke. 

“But that’s not the point,” Pino said quickly before Christen could respond. “We know you just got back from getting groceries but we need you to take Y/N on a date until we can find Fred.”

“You want me to distract her so you two can figure out how to replace Mr. Flinstone before she notices?” Christen asked, quirking her eyebrow up. The two of you were in a weird place between friend and girlfriend, but neither of you had made a move yet per se. Doing it to save the team's ass seemed like a stretch. 

“Why do you think we asked her to come downstairs and put groceries away when it is clearly Sonnett’s turn? We’re stalling for time!”

“Here,” Tierna said, stuffing a book into Christen’s hands, “One of the coaches’ kids was selling these coupon books for a fundraiser. You can use the different activities in there as inspiration for where to go.”

“And whatever the coupons don’t pay for we’ll pay you back. Promise,” Tobin said quickly. 

“You and y/n need to get your stuff together and become a couple anyway…” Pino added with a wave of her hand. Christen sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. 

“Fine. But only because I know Y/N would be really stressed out if she found out Fred was gone.” 

“Thank you thank you thank you! Okay, you go in and we’ll get started.” And with that Christen was shoved back into the kitchen.

****

You were having an amazing time. Your lunch date with Christen had turned into a walk in the park, a coffee, and now a casual stroll through the aquarium. You had always been interested in marine life, and you were having a blast nerding out. (Christen also thought your fun facts about each of the animals was adorable- well the way your face lit up when you rambled was). 

“So are we heading to another random location, or is it safe to go back to the house yet?” You asked with a smirk, stepping through the shark tunnel towards the reef fish exhibit. 

Christen froze, where she was looking at the lionfish tank. “Is… this your way of saying you don’t know any facts about lionfish?” she said, evasively. Fuck. She thought she was being more subtle than that. 

“Well, lionfish inject their venom through the spines in their back. When the skin over the spike gets pushed down, it pushes in the venom sack. Fun fact, the spine is like a hypodermic needle,” You said, pointing out the spikes you were talking about and staring wistfully into the tank.“But you’ve been checking your phone since the stingrays, and I’m guessing it’s because we’re more than halfway through the aquarium,” You finished, looking pointedly at Christen. 

“Maybe… I was checking to see if we had enough time before the aquarium closed to eat dinner at their seafood restaurant?” 

“So… they’re taking way too long to set up whatever prank they’re planning,” You nodded. 

“Why do you think someone’s setting up a prank?” Christen said, laughing in a super believable way. Wow, she was bad at this. “Hey look, are those clownfish?”

You raised your eyebrow at the woman. Emily, Ashlyn, Pino, and Kelley all in one house just spelled trouble. It was more probable they were setting up some stupid stunt to video for the fans than them just hanging out like normal people and watching a movie. Also, the fact that Christen had been taking you on different adventures for close to five hours now was suspicious. 

“I know you probably just did this because you got roped into whatever stunt they’re planning on pulling on me, but I had a really nice time with you today,” you said, looping your arm through hers, and leaning ahead on her shoulder. Christen straightened up slightly at the touch. “If you were actually serious about that dinner I don’t mind paying.” 

“My suggestion, so I’m paying and I was totally serious. I didn’t just ask you out because of those knuckleheads. I like you too,” Christen said soft, gripping your arm a little tighter, trying to convey just how much she wanted to be here. 

“Okay, if you’re sure. Hey, want to take a selfie together in front of one of the tanks? you know to commemorate our endless adventure?” 

“Yeah, I wanna remember the never-ending date forever,” Christen said, her eyes a little gooey at your cuteness, pointing towards the octopus tank. 

You pulled her close to you, angling the camera so the blue-ringed octopus was in the shot. And just as you clicked the button, you stood up quickly on your tiptoes to kiss her on the cheek. You also took a shot of the laughter that followed. The one of her turning to kiss you was a bit more of a blur though.

***

“Oh, before we go, can you grab one of me with the Red-sea rockfish?” You asked, pointing at the redfish in the tank. 

“Yeah, sure!” Christen took your phone from you and swiped it to get to the camera, almost missing you reaching into your pocket and pulling out a small painted rock. 

“Okay three, two- wait, is that Fred!?!”

You lowered your hand from where you had posed with Fred next to your cheek. “Yeah? I had him in my pocket this morning, so I didn’t lose him while I cleaned my desk, but forgot about it until we were about to go through the metal detectors a few hours ago. Why?”

“I’m pretty sure Ashlyn has the entire team scouring the house to try and find him,” Christen snorted, shaking her head. It was hilarious you were nervous about them pulling a prank on you when it seemed you had pulled an even better one on them. 

“Oh,” you said. Some things were beginning to make sense now. “So you’ve been checking your phone so they could tell you when it was safe to come home? Once they found Fred?’

“Maybe...” Christen said blushing just a little bit. 

“Okay. Well, you’d better call and let them know you found him. After we get ice cream.”

[blxetsi]

Hi! Can I please request modern au hcs for Armin?

tysm for requesting !!

modern armin arlert dating headcanons

lowercase intended !

college!armin arlert x gn!reader

- okay so

- i think in a college setting you and armin hit it off really well

- i think you guys wouldve just accidentally kept bumping into each other, whether it be around campus, at some coffee shop, in the library

- it gets so frequent you dont even know if its a coincidence at this point, yet you cant help but hope that you seem him whenever you go out

- after ALWAYS bumping into each other and apologizing before making small talk, armin makes the first move

- mf just says "are you following me ?" to which you reply "are YOU following me ?"

- that night ends in you two exchanging numbers 🤩

- you find out that hes a humanities major, and wants to be a psychologist some day

- you also find out he has a paid internship at a research facility near the university you attend

- hes super sweet but also super humble, so he tries not to keep the subject on himself for very long, just wanting to know more about you

- as you two get closer he gets more touchy (not in a weird way)

- he starts greeting you with hugs now, and likes to have a light grip on your wrist when hes leading you through crowded hallways of the school

- he introduced you to his bestfriends and roommates, mikasa and eren, and they were really accepting !! (they already could tell armin liked you even if he didnt know himself)

- you start developing feelings for him about two months after you exchanged numbers, and you honestly felt really weird

- because this beautiful boy whos so sweet and kind and intelligent is like,, wayyyy out of your league

- armin thinks the exact same thing

- he thinks youre so cool and fun to be around, you always have the best stories to tell and are so welcoming,, its HARD not to fall for someone like you !!

- finally he gets up the courage to ask if you can come to his apartment

- and there he confesses 😳💥‼️

- you sit there shocked for a couple seconds too long because now hes freaking out like "im so sorry i didnt wanna seem creepy i just wanted to tell you how i felt you can leave or i can walk you home- wait you probably wouldnt want that but-"

- you just kind of grab his shoulders and start shaking him. before you tell him you like him too.

- the apples of his cheeks turn pink before he smiles and gives you such a tight hug !!

- hes immediately planning a date with you for when youre both free

- takes you to the local aquarium 🤩 and kisses you in front of the moon jellies (u know those big tanks with the jellyfish that are like glow in the dark ?? and the whole hallway is pitch black except for the lights from the tank ?? yeah ❤️ he kissed you THERE and it was beautiful)

- has chapped lips 😐 sorry i dont make the rules

- has a habit of picking them when hes working or lost in thought

- doesnt mean you stop kissing him tho

- is the kind of guy that will genuinely get worried if you send an "sos" type message. gets out of his own class just to speedwalk (he isnt gonna break the rules and run in the halls 🙄) and come to your class just to see if youre okay

- looks at you like 😐 when you explain you just need him to get you an iced coffee from that shitty coffee place in the cafeteria

- does it anyway even though hes annoyed 😌✨

- will grumble about paying him back for the five dollars he just spent on you while you kiss him over and over again in thanks

- doesnt let you pay him back though smh 🙄

- loves to give back hugs

- will do it while youre working, or while youre doing the dishes

- if youre shorter than him he'll rest his head on your and just smell your hair

- if youre taller than him hes shoving his face inbetween your shoulder blades

- is such a lightweight drunk its not even funny

- none of his friends are tbh 🙄

- the first time you saw him drunk was when eren dragged you guys out to a party their friend was hosting (literally interrupted your cuddle time in armins bed to THROW OFF THE BLANKETS and say "you guys are coming with me 😁👍" and when you two said no he TURNED ON THE LIGHTS and ruined the vibe 😐 fucking asshole)

- anyways you two had to change back into your clothes at 9pm just to go to a shitty party that was gonna get busted by the cops anyways 😔💔

- you couldnt find him through the sea of people, and u got really worried until armin called you

- it was not armin on the other line 😁👍

- he said his name was reiner ?? and he said he was with armin bc he puked while playing beer pong

- the guy tells you where they are and you go to find them. theyre sitting on this couch in a backroom and theres only like,, five people in total there ??

- armin is SOBBING while reiner is trying to get him to drink water

- "reiner you dont get it,,, theyre so beautiful. i cant compete. i dont even think theyd wanna be with me. and you have to see them talk about their major. theyre so smart you dont understand." "okay buddy lets just finish this water okay ?"

- armin is leaning his shoulder on this GIANT of a man just going on about how much he loves you and how amazing he finds you. until you tap his shoulder. and then he realizes youve been listening this entire time. and then he starts crying because he doesnt want you to find him weird. and then you have to explain to him that you two are dating. where he doesnt believe you still.

- eren ends up giving you the keys to his car and saying "ill just call you when i need a ride back" and reiner CARRIES armin to the car 😭😭😭

- hes a real gentleman 😁👍

- that morning armin remembers EVERYTHING and is MORTIFIED

- calls reiner immediately like "did people see me puke ? oh god am i gonna be talked about ?"

- has very vivid dreams and remembers all of them ?? will literally tell you about a dream he had when he was five and WILL NOT forget a detail. its weird

- his family actually doesnt seem like they like you 😳 not because they dont theyre just very,, quiet people...... except for his grandfather

- doesnt even care who you are to armin, will pull you down on the couch with him to tell you about all his research and findings as an archeologist (before he retired)

- if youre ever feeling sad about anything, whether that be stress, family problems, or body image issues, armins taking you to his place 😁👍

- he'll cuddle you and whisper how much he loves you while you two are watching something on his laptop

- has acne scars on his shoulders. dont make fun of him for it pls

- loves getting back scratches though, the tingles make him feel really calm

- if you have like,, makeup brushes and stuff he likes it when you brush his face with them, no product or anything but the tingles he gets from it 🤤

- over time his parents warm up to you quiet a bit, and when his mom shows you baby photos and from him as a kid youre SHOCKED.

- he had this little bob cut from when he was ten to his teens 🥺🥺🥺🥺

- when you two are walking back home or wherever you cant help but go on about how cute he was and how healthy and pretty his hair looked (not that its not healthy or pretty now) and he just giggles before pulling you into his side and kissing your cheek while saying "okay baby, ill grow it out just for you then"

- also loves the petnames baby, angel, and love

- will gladly let you steal his sweaters. has a really nice knit one that his grandma made him before she died. that ones off limits.

- doesnt like to fight, but when he feels like hes in the right he wont hesitate to yell back when youre yelling at him

- just dont yell at him pls, it makes him sad

- it takes him a while (and by a while i mean like 30 minutes at most) before his texting you asking if you guys can talk about it

- its really easy for you two to make up, and immediately hes hugging you and just asking if you wanna do something with him

- also, cuts his own hair ?? and would cut yours if you asked. mikasa vouches for him "yeah he trims my hair all the time. why ?"

- every year on your anniversary hes taking you to the aquarium. and he always kisses you as softly as he did the very first time, in the dark hallway of the moon jellyfish tank ✨

a/n

THATS ITTT !!! thanks again for requesting !! i hope you all enjoyed. remember asks are open !! u dont have to request headcanons either !!! go crazy friends !!

[achliegh]

Golden

FEEL FREE TO SEND ME ASKS ABOUT HOW YOU LIKED THAT CHAPTER

OR IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT PLEASE TELL ME WHY

THANK :)

Yeehaw Leo… it's all because this song came on one day (I don’t even really listen to country anymore so it really is fate). Leo is based off that song, each chapter is going to be based off a yeehaw song too.

Characters belong to @lumosinlove

Beta: @the-most-slyterin-hufflepuff & @punkkkboi

TW/CW: Smut, terrible yeehaw sayings and jokes, injuries, mentions of past death/suicide, minor character death, underage drinking, mentions of past arrests, cringe

Chapter Songs (listening in order is recommended):

Chapter 13:

Anchors Away

Clay was bored, wandering around the mall with nothing to do. Thomas was at practice, Noelle was at work at the aquarium. He was alone again and he really didn’t like it. Leo was busy cleaning the apartment for his mom who is showing up later tonight and Reg was hanging out at the rink.

Clay thought about going to the rink but everytime he goes for longer than 20 minutes he gets a head cold. He was walking past a recently closed store and heard faint music coming from inside. He walked in and noticed a small table set up with two men who were jokingly singing along to the song.

Clay took note of all the posters around the small store.

‘Feeling like you need a purpose in life?’ Yeah, he does. Everyone around him is doing actual things with their lives. Reg has started going to art school for errotic photography and portraits. Leo has been selling horses over video calls with rich clients and helping his mother set up times for the clients to go down and visit the horses at the ranch. Obviously, the hockey boys are playing hockey. Noelle is a year away from graduating and was recently promoted, and Clay just kind of existed…

Leo jokingly called him a houseboy when he mentioned how he just stays at home and cleans, now that's all he is ever called by Leo and Reg and it really makes Clay feel worthless. He knows they don’t mean anything by it but…. It still stings.

He moves on to the next poster. “Want financial benefits, healthcare, and more?”

That would be nice, to make his own money for once instead of his parents randomly filling his account with too much money. Something he knows he shouldn’t complain about but he wants to make a name for himself.

‘Join the U.S Navy.’ He paused, he doesn’t know a lot about his birth family, but he does know they were in the military. He has no clue which branch and he knows if he asked his parents they would help him in a heartbeat. But maybe this was a way to find out on his own.

He left the mall feeling lighter, a pep in his step.

He just enlisted in the navy. He was going to make something of himself and maybe even feel like he isn’t just watching his friends and partners pass him by.

Then it hit him, the one thing Leo and him promised each other they would never do is join the military. Because they both know how it fucks people up. Leo lost his uncle, and Clay’s dad lost his own father to PTSD from not having proper care after. Maybe he just screwed up…. But there was no going back now. He wouldn’t.

Walking in the house, Noelle was looking beautiful. She was wearing a pair of sweats rolled up twice at the waist and one of Clay’s old ratty t-shirts. Her curly hair was in her normal ponytail and she was putting on her sneakers. She looked tired from work.

Earlier in the week when Clay and Leo announced Eloise was coming to visit for a few days Noelle started stressing immediately. She has always worried about meeting parents because they always seem to dislike her when they first lay eyes on her, she blames it on her chronic RBF. Clay reassured her that Eloise would love her and actually already loves her from all the stories Clay has told her on her weekly calls.

Eloise was coming tonight, fuck! It was his birthday today and he forgot to mention it! Oops...

Thomas was sitting next to her, freshly showered in his own sweats and t-shirt looking relaxed, he was wearing some socks with little hamsters on them that Clay found for him a while ago. It made his heart jump and he felt his face stretch into a smile. He was scrolling through his phone and Thomas’ whole face opened up in a bright smile as soon as he saw Clay. He made Clay feel so special in a specific way, a way that is so different from how Noelle does and he loves them both.

He needs to tell them that.

“I have something to tell you guys… honestly, I don’t know how you will react but what's done is done.” He puts his hands in his jean pockets and taps the hell of his boots to the toe of his other boot. He was fidgeting and knew the other two noticed. It made him even more nervous.

“That doesn’t sound like good news.” Thomas looks at him a bit worried. His smile was still there but it fell slightly and Clay just wanted to fix it. He noticed Noelle had paused stomping on her shoes, oddly similar to Logan, it made him want to stop what he was going to say but… communication is important!

“Well, I first need you guys to promise me something, then I will make Finn and Logan promise the same thing when we see them because I know I will have to tell them.” He has to tell them, so they are ready for Leo just, not being okay.

And it was all gonna be Clay’s fault.

“What's the promise?” Noelle finishes putting on her shoe and looks up at him. She is trying her best to keep her face neutral but he could tell the wheels were turning in her brain.

“Do not tell Leo, I need to be the one to tell him… and I know he isn’t going to react well. Same goes for Reg but I will probably tell him a lot sooner than Leo.” He keeps on switching his feet that he is tapping and finally looks at them.

It’s now or never.

“I enlisted in the navy today.”

“Okay, Reg and I are going to pick up Ma and then we will be right back!” Leo has been all smiles all day. Finn knew he was close to his mom but this is just adorable.

“Drive safe!” Leo and Reg wave as they leave the apartment and as soon as the door closes Clay is standing in front of Finn and Logan who are snuggled together on the couch. Logan was wrapped up in Leo’s favorite blanket that his grandpa made for him before he passed away. It was a woven blanket with an image of Peanut on it. That blanket has seen Leo and Clay in their worst moments.

He was surprised Logan wasn’t scared of it given his fear of horses.

“Alright you two, I need to tell you something and it needs to be kept secret from Leo and Reg, if you so much as tell them a peep I will never forgive you. That will make family reunions super awkward.” Finn looks up from his phone where he and Logan were reading the comments on their latest tiktok on their joined account.

“Don’t look at me.” Finn raises his hand on surrender and looks at Logan who rolls his eyes annoyed and snatches Finn’s phone away to keep reading the comments.

“I enlisted in the navy-” Clay didn’t even get the full sentence out before Logan had thrown the phone down on the cushion next to him and Finn covered his mouth with his hand looking shocked.

“YOU DID WHAT?”

“Mama!” Leo hugs Eloise tightly as she drops her bags to hug him back. “How was the flight?” He squeezes her tightly before noticing her new hearing aid is flashing is three blinks then a pause and three more blinks. “I think your hearing aid is dying. Make sure to charge them when we get home.” She either ignores him or doesn’t hear him even though she can normally hear him this close.

“Rick was a great pilot as always, even let me bring y’all some moonshine he made. It's watermelon and raspberry!.” Eloise pulls away after one last squeeze and sees Reg and her smile widens. “Reg! I’m so happy you’re here!” She waits for him to open his arms as an invitation to hug him so she knows he is comfortable with her touching him and she does as soon as he opens his arms. Tighter than she did Leo. “Have you been eating well? How about sleeping? Did you ever enroll in college?”

“Yes, yes and yes.” Reg can’t help but laugh when she picks him up still hugging him and sways him around. He isn’t used to this much affection from a mother figure but… they love it.

“I’m so proud of you for following your dream.” She pulls away and smiles at him with a sincere smile and brushes his hair back. “Your hair looks nice by the way.”

“Thank you.” Reg and Leo help her with her bags and pack them into the truck and drive the short way back to the apartment. Talking about everything and anything. The door man sends a wink Eloise’s way and she holds up her left hand where her wedding ring is. Letting him know she is taken. Walking up to the apartment they smell an odd smell through the door and everyone shares a look.

“I promise it doesn't normally smell this way unless… oh no.”

“What does that mean!?” She leans over to Reg to whisper as Leo fiddles with his key in the lock.

“It means Finn and Logan tried to cook something.” Reg whispers to Eloise as Leo opens the door, Clay was the first to greet them, smiling his million dollar smile he hugs Elosie so tight it surprises her.

“Hello Bluebell! I was surprised I didn’t see you at the airport. How are you doing sweetheart! Twenty years old today! You’re all growing up so fast.” She kisses his forehead and they pull apart. “You look good. Your mother wants you to call her later tonight so she can sing happy birthday.”

“It's your birthday!” Noelle pipes up and looks at Clay offended. “And you didn’t tell us!” He cringes before turning to her.

“Oh, I guess I forgot.” He walks over to her and kisses her cheek while Eloise puts her hand on her chest from just how cute they are.

“Seems like that should have been the first thing you told us this morning instead of, ‘ I feel like a jellyfish’.” Thomas laughs a little and kisses both Noelle and Clay’s cheeks. “So cute.”

“It slipped my mind!”

“Okay, what is that smell?” Leo leads Eloise towards the kitchen after she is done fawning over how cute those three are. Finn and Logan are suspiciously standing in the way of the countertop right next to the stove. “What are you hiding?”

Finn turns bright red and Logan looks anywhere but Leo. Eloise sets her purse on the counter and walks over to them, giving them both kisses on the cheek.

“What did you make us?”

“Well… we tried to make a cake from your cookbook-”

“It didn’t go very well.” They both move to the side to reveal a lopsided cake with some diluted frosting dripping off and random coconut flakes floating around on it. “Can you at least tell what it is?” Logan casually turned the plate so the ‘good side’ was facing Leo and Eloise.

“Umm… not really. Do you mind just telling us?” Eliose was examining the cake, trying to figure out what cinnamon cake she had in her cookbook. None that she can remember.

“Something called,” Finn walks over to the book and notices Clay and Reg standing to the side with their phones up and probably recording. “Divinity Cake.” The room was suddenly really still and quiet. Eloise looked like she was about to cry and Leo was just staring at the cake in shock.

Then Eloise brokedown in laughter, to the point where she was laughing so hard she was on the ground holding her stomach and crying. Finn and Logan were visibly confused and looked to Leo for an explanation, only to find him trying to conceal his laughter in the crooks of his arm.

“Oh my god! What is so funny?” Logan looks at the cookbook and then back at the cake. It looked terrible but they tried their best! They didn’t burn the house down at least.

“Oh my lovely lovely boys.” Leo wraps an arm around both their shoulders and pulls them in close so they are all cheek to cheek for a moment. “Divinity cake is usually cooked for your in-laws in the south.. To prove you are worthy of being a good wife.” explains through his laughing breaks. “This is amazing.”

Eloise eventually stands up and dabs her eyes so she doesn’t smear her makeup. Pulling the two embarrassed boys into a tight hug. “Y’all are so sweet. Thank you for the cake.” She gives them both sloppy kisses on the cheeks and then pats where she just kissed. “Alright I’m going to put my things in the guest room and then we can cook something up for y’all to eat.” She smiles and takes most of her bags to the guest room but forgets her purse. “Finn, would you be a dear and grab my purse for me?” She calls out and Finn being the sweetheart he is, grabs the bag and tries to take it with him as he walks past.

The bag won’t budge, Leo is watching with a smile on his face and his arms crossed. Finn tugs at the bag again and eventually gets it off the counter, it nearly knocks him over with how heavy it is. He scurried to Eloise’s room and gave it to her. She holds it like it’s nothing.

He makes his way back over to Leo and sinks into his chest, his face buried in his neck. Logan is still poking the cake, showing off just how gelatinous it is. Clay and Reg are comparing videos that they took and laughing at how they zoomed in on different faces. Sending them to each other.

“I’m sorry we messed up the cake.” Finn looks up at Leo and sees the sweetest little smile, showing his dimples off. Finn has noticed Leo’s tan from the summer is fading and it is making the small scar across his nose more prominent. It was cute.

“Honestly, it’s better than anything else y’all have made. Plus, now Mama can teach you how to make it the right way for the next time she visits.” Leo kisses his eyebrow and wraps his arms around him as Finn pouts even more. Logan eventually makes his way over and rests his head on Leo’s shoulder.

“Maybe it still tastes good?” He closes his eyes and rubs his cheek on Leo’s soft shirt and tough shoulder, massaging his jaw muscles. His arms are crossed.

“We can try it afte Mama and I make some food, how about y’all pick out what you want so she can put on her mini cooking show.” Leo feels the boys lean off of him and smiles as he watches them pour over each page of the book looking for a meal they want.

“Alright, I’m ready to cook.” Eloise comes back into the room and gathers everyone so they are sitting on the other side of the counter, unless they are Reg or Leo because they are allowed to help cook. Finn and Noelle have taken the two seats while Clay and Thomas are on either side of them watching and Logan is in between them.

They all watch as Eloise explains what she is doing in hopes it helps them understand and make them want to try and make this on their own. Logan gets in trouble for focusing on Leo instead of what she is teaching and she gives him a smirk.

“You remind me a lot of Wyatt, you know that? Around the same height too.” She smiles as she fiddles with her ring after she washed her hands to get the rest of the flour off her hands. Leo is watching the food in the oven as he leans against the counter and nods in agreement with her.

“I do?” Logan looks at her a little confused, he sadly never got the chance to meet Wyatt but he always pictured him as more of the strong and silent type who was also tall, giving Leo his extra few inches of height.

“He was 5’10 and the sweetest man I have ever met, he was goofy and carefree like Finn and always had this hard look in his eyes like you do. Unless he was looking at Leo or I, or in your case Leo. Please don’t look at me like that.” Leo snorts and smiles.

“That would be kinda weird.” He turns his head over his shoulder and smiles at his boys. “Why don’t we tell them some stories about dad? I never really talk about him because… well, it still hurts.” Eloise smiles a little sad at her son and gives his arm a comforting squeeze. Her love language.

“Well, he was in the air force.” She notices Clay looking away, Noelle suddenly looks uncomfortable and Thomas looks a little sad. Something was off. “He and his twin brother Wess joined at the same time, and flew fighter jets together. His brother was shot down and Wyatt made Leo promise to never join. After he came back he vowed to never leave again. He kept his promise.” She smiles at the image of him coming home still fresh in her mind. “He was in love with music, sometimes I think he loved music more than us. He tried to get Leo to learn how to play instruments but the poor boy is so tone deaf he couldn’t figure anything out.” She laughs a little as Leo smiles. “I remember when Leo was being taught the guitar Wyatt would be thrown into laughing fits when Leo would play the wrong chords and smile up at him like he just did something.”

“I thought I did!” Leo laughs a little and turns around to face everyone else. “Look It took me forever to learn rhythm, and now I can dance like there is no tomorrow… still can’t sing though.”

“Ahmen!” Clay pipes up and ducks as Leo throws a spoon at him.

“Shut up!”

“Wyatt did manage to teach Clay how to play fiddle somehow, do you still play?” Eloise checks the food in the oven and determines it's not done.

“I haven’t played since… yeah I haven’t played in a while.”

“He was so proud of you. Wyatt was also a sportsman. He loved sports, especially baseball. So when Leo came home and told Wyatt he joined the team, they went out back and played catch for, I don’t know, hours.”

“My arm was sore the next day.”

“He came to every single game of Leo’s besides one, and was his biggest fan. He made shirts with Leo’s player picture on them and wore them to every game. No matter how many times Leo begged him not to!” The timer goes off and Reg gets the food out of the oven.

“Is this done?” He asks, Eloise comes over to check and nods.

“Looks good! How about we eat?” She smiles and has everyone line up so she can dish it out for them.

Thomas and Noelle are getting ready to leave when Eloise asks Clay to join her outside. He gives them a worried look but follows her. Outside is cold, and there is a bit of snow on the railing of the balcony.

“Talk to me Clayton, something is wrong, I noticed it earlier.” She looks at him and taps her foot as he pulls out a cigarette and lights it. “Clayton.”

“I joined the navy, and I haven’t told Leo, and I ask that you don’t tell him either because he needs to hear this from me.” He is looking out at the traffic below so he doesn’t have to watch her face. He knows she is upset with him.

“Is that what you really want to do?” She walks up next to him and joins him in looking at the traffic. Clay has always admired how strong Eloise is, she has been through a hell of a lot and still has this calm and stable energy.

“Yes.”

“Then you made the right choice.” She turns and looks at him, smiling in a way that he knows is trying to hide her sadness. She ruffles his hair as he finishes his cig and puts it out on the bottom of his boot. “Have you told Noelle and Thomas?”

“Yeah.” He knows his short answers sound hostile but he wants to be away from this conversation.

“They support you?” She always makes sure he has support, it hurts sometimes. Like he can’t just get support himself and he always needs help.

“Yes.” She nods and walks back towards the door.

“Then you better spend as much time with them as you can.” She goes inside, leaving Clay to think about everything by himself.

It was dangerous.

He walks back inside and they leave. Noelle turns around from the passenger seat and smirks at Clay. He was in for a fun night.

“I’m off to bed boys, we have a busy day tomorrow!” Elosie kisses her boy's cheeks and walks to her room.

“I like you mom.” Logan says as he tackles Leo to the ground straddling his back with his scented markets in hand. He tugs at Leo’s shirt, he complies and takes it off. Logan has been dying to do this all day.

“I hope not too much!” Leo crosses his arms under his head until Finn sits down next to him and he pulls his thigh so it's underneath Leo’s head. Leo shivers as the cold marker hits his skin and Logan begins coloring.

“What other stories do you have about Wyatt?” Finn rubs his fingers over Leo’s short hair that has really grown out over the past month, it was starting to curl at the ends making Leo look sweet.

“He used to read to me when I was little, then when I was able to read I would read to him until he fell asleep and started snoring.” Leo smiles and Finn can feel it on his leg. “He was also my coach for little league baseball for a bit and he was great but not everyone liked that he was my dad. Other parents thought I was getting special treatment. Also he would argue with the umpires and get in trouble!” Leo bursts out laughing and Logan gorans.

“Leoooooooooo! Be still!” Leo calms down and lets Logan keep coloring the flowers of his back piece.

“Sorry sorry, I just remembered when he got kicked out of a game because an umpire called Clay out when he was safe. It was hilarious. He called the umpire a muppet.” Smiling Leo yawns and blinks a few times.

“You can fall asleep, we will wake you up and go to bed when Logan finishes.” Finn is scrolling on his phone and is petting Leo’s head as he feels it get heavier with sleep. Finn looks up at Logan after making sure Leo is asleep.

“We need to tell him we love him.”

“Yeah, we do.” They smile at each other and share a peck before going back to what they were doing.

The next morning Finn and Logan wake up with a Leo sized dent in the bed and not Leo. They wander out to the kitchen and get smacked in the face with the smell of blueberry pancakes. They float into the kitchen and smile at the sight. Eloise has her hair in curlers and is in a thick grey robe and Leo’s sweatpants because she doesn’t own a pair. Her face is free of makeup and it shows how well she has taken care of her skin over the years. She is flipping a couple of pancakes while Leo sips on some apple juice. Just chatting away about the plan for today.

“Okay so after family skate is the party at Pascal and Celeste’s.”

“I won’t be at family skate dear, I have some work to do today.” She puts the last pancake on a plate, making sure that each plate has two, she takes two plates over to the table while Leo carries the other two.

“Ma, you promised me you wouldn’t work while you were here.” He sighs and sets the plates down. He sighs and sits down, not noticing the other two people in the room, he starts poking at his pancakes with his cheek on his hand and elbow on the table. Sulking.

“I know sweetheart but these people are someone who your Daddy tried to sell to for years. They plan to get two mares and then I will be at the party. On time. I promise.” She puts the dishes from cooking in the sink and fills the pancake batter bowl with hot water before grabbing her cup of coffee and walking over to sit next to Leo.

Logan and Finn share a look. They shouldn’t be listening to this.

“Okay but, just please be there towards the beginning of the party. I want to introduce you to my-... the team.” Leo furrows his brow not understanding why he about called the lions his team, when he doesn’t even play hockey.

“I will try my best, Merigold.” She pats his hand and Logan and Finn make their entrance, yawning and stretching as they walk over to the table. “Morning boys.”

“Morning!” Finn smacks a kiss on Leo’s temple as he walks past and Logan does the same, taking their seats and chowing down.

Later that day Eloise was putting her hair in a ponytail as she checked to make sure there were no creases in her uniform. Well, it's not a uniform but what she likes her and Leo to wear when they go to sell.

A black tall-neck turtle neck with long sleeves and tight to the body. Some khaki colored riding pants with tall back socks and brown riding boots. Professional yet comfortable. She was selling to the Malfoy family today, the father is buying these mares for his sons wedding coming up. She is still convinced that they only want their mares because Wyatt is gone, making Knut horses more desirable.

They were in contact with Wyatt for years and were not very nice. She knows she needs to make this sale though. Walking out to the living room to grab her purse she sees Leo moping on the couch by himself. She sighs out of her nose, walking over to him and petting the top of his head.

“I promise I will be there tonight, with moonshine.” She smiles as Leo rolls his eyes.

“I trust you.” Then he stood and gave her good luck and a hug before walking back to his bedroom… not the master bedroom. She takes a deep breath and leaves the apartment.

The rink was cold, Leo was bundled up in his new coat, hat and gloves while rocking his normal jeans and boots. His brand new skates were in hand, not broken in so he was wearing two pairs of tall socks just to help against blisters. Clay actually owned a pair of skates and has been skating since he was younger because he has family in Montana that he would visit for the holidays.

Jerk.

Leo was sitting in Finn's stall just trying to stay warm while he watched Noelle tie one of Clay’s skates and Thomas tie the other. Leo had to admit, he was so happy for Clay, seeing him with that sappy smile makes Leo know that he’s okay. He never smiled like that with Ashley.

Logan walks over to him, completely ready to skate and looking good. He was wearing his favorite well worn sweats and Leo’s new thrifted sweater that was dark green, showing off his eyes. He was wearing his normal cap backwards and Leo has always found it funny that Logan will never wear a hat forwards.

“Ready to get laced up?” Leo nods and holds out a skate to Logan. “You’re very quiet right now, are you that cold?” Leo just narrows his eyes and gives a short nod. Logan shows him how to lace up and once his other skate is on he stands up and nearly falls over.

“This is going to be terrible… is there a dentist nearby? I have a tendency to fall teeth first into the ground.” Licking over his chipped tooth absentmindedly he looks around. There were kids running around in skates and jumping into other players arms. He smiles a bit and rests his elbow on Logan’s head who is wear much more worn down skates so Leo is a fucking giant to him. “You’re the perfect height.”

“Yeah yeah, lets watch you try and walk. Then we can find Finn who I’m guessing is talking to Syd.” Logan helps Leo take a few steps knowing Leo has no balance at all. In skates or not. He has witnessed this name trip over nothing.

“Whose Syd?” Leo starts walking on his own and feels like this isn’t so bad.

“My oldest sister. Aubry is here too. They also play professional hockey. So… don’t get on their bad sides.” Leo stops walking.

“You never mentioned your sisters will be here! I thought I was meeting them when we go to visit your parents in a week! Oh boy… Do they know about you and Finn?” Leo continues walking after Logan grabs his hand and leads him out of the tunnel.

“Yes they know about me and Finn, I told my family first because… well my parents love him and my sisters all had a bet so… yeah. But they don’t know about you because I didn’t know if you were ready for that.” Leo stops him before they completely exit the tunnel and presses him up against the wall, kissing him softly.

“Thank you.” Leo smiles when Logan does and they pull apart to see they are the last out of the tunnel. Walking out Leo stops in front of the ice. “Yo, I don’t know if I have enough ego to let me fall face first onto the ice in front of a whole hockey team yet.”

“What, you aren’t up for the challenge?” Clay skates right up to him, not as seamless as everyone else but still pretty well. He has this challenging look in his eyes and Leo knows exactly what is going to happen. “I knew you weren’t good at everything.” Leo launches himself at LCay who skates out of the way just in time for Leo to miss and barely holds himself up as he glides across the ice.

“Clay! When I get my hands on you, I swear!” Then he falls flat on his ass and gorans laying down, staring at the ceiling annoyed. This sucks.

Clay is having an absolute field day, Laughing his ass off as he skates up to Leo and helps him stand. Patting his back for a moment and letting Leo get his balance he then pushes him over and skates away.

“CLAYTON!” Leo falls basically into a middle split and it distracts Finn from his conversation with Logan and his sisters, hitting Logan’s chest until he looks over at Leo who is still being taunted by Clay and now Reg.

“I didn’t know he could do that.” They share a look and both seem to get ideas around the same time because their faces get all reg and they high five.

“Who is that?” Sydney is readjusting her hat as she looks at Leo. “He’s a cutie, I wouldn’t mind getting a piece of that.”

“Agreed. He is really handsome.” Aubry nods in agreement and Logan is suddenly possessive. He glares at them.

“Back off, he’s mine!” He crosses his arms and turns his attention back to Leo who is now talking to Katie who has made herself at home on his leg. Leo looks like he is trying his best not to shake from how cold he is.

“You have Finn, let us have our fun.” Aubrey hits his shoulder and skates over to Leo and Katie. “Need some help?” Katie smiles at her. Leo looks up at her and gives a shy smile because he is embarrassed. Nodding she holds out her hand, Katie grabs his other hand and helps him up. With Katie on one side and Aubry on the other, Leo starts more skating and less falling over.

“Awww they are so cuteeeee.” Sydney smiles at them and hears Logan grumble, looking at them annoyed and Finn is still snorting everytime Leo stumbles. But Finn has this look in his eyes that Sydney has only ever seen him give Logan. She hopes there isn’t anything shady going on between those three.

Eventually, Aubry and Leo stake back over to Finn, Logan and Sydeny who are all still chatting on the ice and sipping their hot chocolate that Celeste brought.

“Can I have a sip?” Logan holds up his cup over his shoulder to Leo’s lips, because Leo is behind him, and holds it as he takes a sip. “Mm, so yummy. I’ve never really had this before. Hot chocolate?” Leo doesn’t really drink warm drinks at all, even the coffee is normally cooled down to where it isn’t hot, sometimes iced.

“You should have Finn make you some, he is really good at it.” Finn kisses Logan's forehead and smiles.

“It’s like the one thing I learned how to make properly. Alex taught me! He is coming to the party later tonight if you want to meet him.”

“I’d love to meet him! Now, I’ve met Aubry. I’m guessing you are Sydney? Logan talks about you guys sometimes but I don’t know a lot.” Leo smiles at her and reaches his hand out to shake hers.

“You have a southern accent…” Aubry and her share a look.

Logan is definitely not keeping him from them.

[vxlkyrie]

letters to you

pairing: spencer reid x reader

genre: angst, fluff, friends to lovers!au

warning: cursing, mentions of alcohol

word count: 7.0k

summary: uh oh, spencer wasn’t supposed to see those

a/n: maeve didn’t die nor have a stalker and we stan her and anderson in this household. also i broke my own heart writing this :) enjoy! (also i hate that some of the text isn’t italicized on mobile i want to cry)

“hey y/n, whatchu writing in your diary?” derek smirked as walked through the office.

“none of your business. and it’s not a diary, it’s a journal.” you rolled your eyes as you continued writing.

“and what do you write in your so-called journal?”

“whatever i want. usually thoughts i have when i’m finished with a case.” you shrugged.

“so basically a diary,” he laughed, leaning on your desk. “can i see what you’ve been writing?” he tried to lean over your notebook. your eyes widened.

“no!” you shouted as you slammed your notebook shut, making derek jump up a little. “s-sorry morgan. it’s just that it’s very personal.”

“don’t worry about it. i understand.” he smiled at you, kissing your forehead before going back to his desk.

it’s true that you use your journal to write down your feelings. you weren’t that open on talking about your feelings, so you took an unused notebook and filled up the pages with your rants, whether it was about stressing over a case or having to deal with your bitchy landlord. but you also use that journal to write down your feelings towards a certain boy genius (who actually suggested that you should write down your thoughts in a journal).

you weren’t sure when you started seeing spencer, your best friend, in a different light. maybe it was when he would bring you coffee and a muffin practically everyday. maybe it was when you started to find his fact dumps endearing. maybe it’s when he would cuddle you when you two would have movie nights together.

whatever the exact moment was that made you fall in love with him, you weren’t ready to tell him about your feelings. so, shortly after starting your notebook, you started writing down “love letters” that were addressed to him. you found yourself writing out confessions, moments where you found spencer being adorable, even dates you would have if you two were together (all the cheesy stuff).

dear spencer,

i love you – as more than just a friend.

yes, you are my best friend. you are always there for me when i need someone to get me energized when i didn’t get enough sleep the night before. you are always there for me when i need to tell someone about a shitty date. you are always there for me when i just need a hug after finishing a week-long case. and before i knew it, i found myself falling in love with you.

i wish that i can just tell you how i feel in person, but you know that i’m not that good with expressing my feelings verbally, so i decided to write them down instead. even then, this page isn’t enough to explain what i love about you and how much i love you.

love, y/n

dear spencer,

there are so many times where i just find you cute.

your eyes lighting up after you found out that doctor who is being renewed for another season. your smile after everyone complimented your new haircut. even your little dance after i bought you half a dozen of your favorite donuts.

i could go on forever and list every moment i have found you adorable. my heart starts beating faster just by the sight of seeing you be happy. i know you’ve been through a lot, and you deserve happiness. i hope that someday i can give you that.

love, y/n

dear spencer,

i might not be the most romantic person, but i can’t help but daydream about the cute and cheesy dates we would have.

we could go to the aquarium and you can tell me everything you know about every creature we see. we could visit the art museum and we could point out the small details in each piece. we could even go to the smithsonian!

but we could also go on small cafe dates. maybe go to the bookstore and you could recommend me your favorites (i’ve been trying to read more). we could even just have a night in and have dinner and cuddle while we watch true crime shows and point out their mistakes and make our own profiles.

now that i think about, being with you would be the same as we are now, just with handholding and kissing.

love, y/n

did writing them down help with your feelings? yes.

were you ever going to send him those letters? absolutely fucking not.

“hey y/n!” a voice called. you looked up to see spencer smiling at you from his desk.

“hey spence, what’s up?”

“i’m almost done with my paperwork, wanna grab dinner after? i’m buying.” he asked. your eyes lit up.

“yeah, sure!” you smiled back.

“great! just give me like 15 more minutes.” he said. you nodded, finishing the last file before handing it in to hotch.

-

“oh my god, this food is amazing!” you exclaimed, taking a bite of your dish as spencer chuckled at you. “have some.” you gestured at your food. spencer smiled at you as he grabbed a fork full and placed it in his mouth.

“wow, that is delicious.” he nodded in approval.

“i know right!” you smiled.

“anyways, there’s something i wanted to tell you, y/n.” spencer said. your eyes immediately widened.

does he like me and he’s finally going to confess?

does he know that i like him and he’s trying to let me down easily?

or is it something completely unrelated?

your heart raced as millions of scenarios that could possibly happen at this moment played in your head.

“of course. you know you can tell me anything.” you reassured, grinning at him.

“i know,” he grinned back. “you know that one girl, maeve?”

“that geneticist you’ve been talking to for your migraines? yeah, what about her?” you raised an eyebrow.

“i finally had the guts to ask her out – and she said yes!” he smiled.

oh.

you felt your heart shatter into a million pieces. you wanted to just get up and run and never talk to him again, but you couldn’t. you knew that he deserved to be happy – even if it wasn’t with you.

“you didn’t tell me you like her!” you happily exclaimed, putting on a facade.

“i’m sorry! we were so caught up with work and i didn’t even know if her and i would even work out. and if morgan ever found out, he wouldn’t let me hear the end of it.” spencer rambled on.

“is that why you’ve been acting weird and leaving at the most random times?” you raised a teasing eyebrow at him.

“so if our unsub killed our victims here, here, and here,” spencer said as he dotted the map on the board with a marker. “then he could live anywhere around here” he finished as he draw a circle that connected the dots.

“do you think he would live in the middle?” you asked. 

before he could answer, spencer’s phone suddenly started ringing, causing the tall man to reach into his pocket to check who was calling. you peeked over to see a random number display across his screen.

“excuse me.” he said as he quickly left the room.

that’s weird. he never answers calls if it’s not from anyone on the team.

“what’s that about?” emily asked. you shrugged in response.

a few minutes later, spencer returned to the room with a big smile on his face.

“who called?” you asked him. spencer had a panicked look on his face shortly before he switched to a more calm manner.

“oh, my mom.” he lied, which no one seemed to notice.

“yeah,” he shyly nodded. “i’ve been calling her for the past few weeks.”

“that’s great spence! i’m so happy for you!” you smiled widely.

“thank you, y/n. it really means a lot coming from you.” he said, gently grabbing your hand.

please don’t do that. please don’t break my heart into even more pieces.

you slowly pulled your hand away from him, earning a slightly confused expression from spencer.

“so, tell me more about maeve.” you said, making sure he can’t read through you.

“well...”

spencer continued talking as you silently listened and ate the rest of your food (although your appetite has been ruined), talking about maeve’s incredible work in her field and her favorite books. you tried your best to keep your happiest expression on as you hear your best friend (and crush) gush over someone else.

wow, she’s perfect for him.

“she sounds amazing, spence.” you tried your best to smile at him.

as soon as you got back to your place, you finally let the tears flow out of your eyes , sliding down your front door. your body trembled as loud sobs left your mouth, even the hand that was placed over it couldn’t muffle the sounds of your cries and breaking heart.

when you find yourself calming down, you walked into your room and changed into your pajamas as you tried to catch your breath. you unpacked your work bag at your desk. as soon as you took out your journal, you immediately turned to the pages that contained your unsent confessions.

of course he doesn’t like you, stupid. he never did.

you ripped the letters from the spine of your notebook and threw them onto your desk. ignoring the mess you just created, you walked to your bed to get some shut-eye as you let more tears run down your face.

-

you couldn’t let yourself be sad anymore. you had to walk back into work the next day with a smile on your face, making sure none of your coworkers could tell that you were breaking. you let yourself get distracted with cases and paperwork, and even continued talking to spencer like you normally would (because he would definitely notice something was up if you had suddenly stopped). over the next few weeks, you find yourself actually befriending maeve.

“hey spence!” an unfamiliar, yet honey-like voiced called out, causing everyone to turn away from their work. you looked up to see a woman with dark auburn hair carrying a brown paper bag as she walked towards spencer’s desk.

wow, she’s really pretty.

“hey, maeve.” he smiled, placing a kiss on her cheek.

“spencer, how come you didn’t tell us you had a girlfriend?” derek smirked at him.

“we just started dating. everyone, this is maeve.” spencer introduced to the team. everyone said their quick hello’s while you got up from your seat and walked up to the couple.

“so you’re the girl my best friend has been talking to,” you genuinely smiled at her. “hi, i’m y/n.” you said, offering your hand to her.

“it’s nice to meet you! i’ve heard so much about you!” she smiled back at you as she reached out to shake your hand. you raised your eyebrows in surprise.

fuck, and she’s really nice too.

sometimes, maeve would come visit the bau and eat lunch with you and spencer.

“on my way here, i saw that this one clothing store was having a sale.” maeve said as she took a bite out of her lunch.

“oh i saw that!” you exclaimed. “i heard that they were closing, so they decided to have a huge sale. it’s sad to see them go.”

“we should stop by sometime! i think i saw a really cute dress that i wanted to try out.” maeve suggested to you.

honestly, you didn’t feel like a third wheel. it actually feels good to be getting along with spencer’s girlfriend.

“that sounds like fun.” spencer chirped.

“shhh, babe, the girls are talking,” maeve joked as he pouted, causing you to laugh. “i’m kidding! you can come along if you want.” she grabbed his hand as he gave her literal heart eyes.

you felt your heart sting a little.

you would talk to maeve when spencer would bring her over to a family dinner at rossi’s.

“he did what now?” maeve’s jaw dropped in excitement as you told her a story about her boyfriend.

“y/n, don’t tell her, please.” spencer pleaded.

“no, y/n, tell me.” maeve encouraged.

“yeah, y/n, tell her.” derek joined in, placing his head on his hand as he leaned in to listen.

“fine,” you sighed. “spencer wanted to show me how great he is at nunchucks. it was going pretty well, until he accidentally hit his...well, his man parts.” you explained. maeve bursted out laughing along with the others.

“hey!” spencer pouted as he nudged your shoulder with his.

“i’m sorry, it was funny.” you giggled as he ruffled your hair.

“well, now i know what to not get you for your birthday.” maeve smiled. spencer laughed, giving her a kiss on the lips.

you tried your best to not grimace.

you even invited her for a girls’ night out with the rest of the bau ladies.

“thank you for inviting me!” maeve said, giving you a hug.

“oh it’s nothing. you’re dating spencer, so that means you’re a part of our family now.” emily grinned at her.

“and you look amazing. i see that you’re wearing that dress you bought when we went shopping together.” you added.

“you’ve noticed! and thank you for convincing me to buy it, i love it so much.” maeve smiled.

“we’re back with drinks!” penelope yelled as she and jj walked back with a tray full of alcohol. “oh my god, maeve, you’re here!” she smiled at her.

“i am.” maeve laughed.

“oh my god, i forgot to get you a drink! i’m so sorry, i didn’t know what to get you.” penelope practically cried.

“that’s fine, i can go grab something real quick.” maeve stood up from her seat.

“i’ll come with you. i’ll pay for the drink!” penelope said as she followed her back to the bar.

you, emily, and jj took a sip of your drinks.

“so, y/n,” emily started, causing you to turn your head towards her in confusion. “are you okay with all of this?”

“all of what?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“maeve and spencer dating.” she answered. your eyes slightly widened.

“yeah, i’m okay with it. why wouldn’t i be okay with it?”

“because we know you’re in love with spencer.” jj said. you almost choke on your drink.

“i’m not!” you immediately denied. “he’s my best friend.”

“y/n, you might not be that open with your feelings, but we can tell that you like spencer and that him dating someone else is hurting you.” jj explained, putting a gentle hand on your shoulder. 

“and we might’ve read your journal.” emily muttered. you sighed.

“yes, i do like him, but i can’t do anything about it. he looks so happy lately and maeve is such a sweet girl. they’re perfect for each other and i don’t want to ruin that for them.” you shrugged as the girls looked at you with sympathy.

“okay, we’re back!” penelope yelled, causing you three to put on a happy mask. “let’s get this party started!” she added as the rest of you cheered and danced the night away.

despite the random times your heart would hurt after seeing spencer and maeve showing affection, you were genuinely happy for him.

“hey y/n,” spencer called out to you from his desk, causing you to look up from your files. “why are you still single?” he asked bluntly, causing an eavesdropping derek to spit out his coffee.

“first of all, ouch,” you sarcastically scoffed. “second of all, i just haven’t had time nor found the right guy.”

and that i’m madly in love with you.

you ignore emily and jj raising their eyebrows at you.

“well, i can set you up with someone i know.” spencer grinned.

“spence, you don’t have to do that-”

“yes i do! you’re my best friend and an amazing person and i want to see you happy.” he explained. you were definitely ignoring emily’s and jj’s eyes practically popping out of their heads.

right. best friend.

“besides, we have the weekend off. you can go on a double date with me and maeve at the foreign film festival!” spencer beamed.

“oh, i don’t want to be a bother.”

“you won’t be! and i think you’ll like this guy.” he said with confidence.

me liking a guy who isn’t you? i don’t know about that.

“please y/n.” spencer begged. after a few moments, you sighed.

“fine, i’ll go.” you agreed in surrender.

“great! i’ll text you the details later.”

maybe this blind date will actually go pretty well and i’ll finally get over spencer.

-

you arrived to the park that the festival was being held at, carrying a picnic blanket as you sported a cute midi dress.

“y/n!” a familiar voice called out to you. you turned to see spencer waving to you with one arm as the other was wrapped around maeve’s waist. you noticed another familiar figure standing next to them.

“hey guys!” you smiled as you quickly walked up to them, giving spencer a hug.

“you look amazing!” maeve complimented you, bringing you in for a quick hug as well.

“thank you, you too!” you grinned at her. you turned to the third person, giving him a friendly smile.

“y/n, this is-”

“agent anderson.” you smirked at him, surprised that spencer had set you up with a coworker.

“please, call me grant. you look beautiful.” he smiled at you.

“thanks, you’re not so bad yourself.” you smiled back.

grant wasn’t a horrible guy. you’ve had small talk with the guy before, and you were actually shocked to see that he shared a few similar interests as you. and you weren’t going to lie, he was quite the looker.

“we still have another half hour until the screening starts. let’s walk around and check out the vendors.” spencer announced, grabbing maeve’s hand as they walked away.

that definitely did not hurt. and you are on a date right now, y/n.

“see you later, lovebirds!” she shouted, causing you two to laugh.

“let’s go, shall we?” grant offered his arm to you. you grinned as you wrapped your arm around it.

as you two walked around, you found yourself having a good time while talking to grant. you both talked about where you’re from, what made you want to go into criminal justice, and even teased each other for the snack choices you both bought for the films.

“i’m telling you, sour patch watermelon is better.” you argued as grant laid down the picnic blanket next to spencer and maeve (who were already cuddled up next to each other).

“at least you get different flavors with sour patch kids.” grant raised an eyebrow at you. you huffed as you took your spot next to him, popping another piece of candy in your mouth.

“aw look, they’re already having their first fight, how cute.” spencer teased, earning a popcorn thrown to the head by you.

soon, the first movie projected onto the big screen, the noises dying down as it started. grant wrapped his arm around you (after asking you politely, which you accepted) as you watched the movie with ease, seeing that you knew the language it was playing in.

“hey, y/n?” grant whispered.

“yeah?” you raised your eyebrows as your eyes were glued onto the screen.

“funny thing, actually. see, i don’t know really know what they’re saying,” he gave a nervous chuckle quietly. you looked at him with confusion. “i thought they were going to have subtitles.” he confessed as you tried to suppress a laugh.

“don’t worry, i got you,” you gave him a small smile. “so far, the guy and the girl are from rich families and their parents are making them marry in the next month.” you explained.

“oh,” he nodded. “wait, what’s happening now?” he looked at the screen with interest.

“that guy over there,” you pointed out the weird-looking man. “is trying to make sure the marriage doesn’t happen. he said he’s gonna seduce the girl and marry her and take her money and kill her.”

“not with that mustache.” grant joked, causing you to chuckle.

you kept translating for grant, trying to keep quiet as he kept making funny remarks. you were having a great time with him, until you heard giggles from your left.

you turn your head to see maeve smiling as spencer’s lips were centimeters away from her ear  (assuming that he was translating the movie for her too) as his arm wrapped securely around her shoulders. you couldn’t help but feel you heart breaking again.

“you okay, y/n?” grant whispered closely to you. you slightly jumped, snapping your head towards him.

“yeah, i’m fine.” you faked a smile.

you both continued translating and joking around as you ignored the pain in your chest. after a couple more hours, the film finished with a happy ending, causing you to tear up (and grant to wipe them away with the sleeves of his sweater).

“that was such a good movie.” spencer said as the four of you walked to your cars.

“i know! i started crying!” you said, earning laughs from everyone.

“y/n, you cry at everything though.” spencer teased.

“i do! it’s a talent of mine.” you quipped, raising an eyebrow at him as grant laughed.

“well, this is us,” maeve said as she and spencer stood by her car. “we’ll see you two later!” she bid goodbye as you hugged her and spencer.

“see ya!” you waved goodbye as they got in the car.

“may i walk you to your car?” grant offered.

“sure!” you accepted as you led the way. a comfort silence fell between you two as you walked under the moonlight.

“you’re in love with him, aren’t you?” grant broke the silence. you stopped in your tracks.

“what?” you furrowed your brows.

“spencer. you like him.”

“what? no,” you shook your head as you continued walking. “he’s my best friend.”

“i don’t need to be a profiler to notice the way you look at him,” he shyly put his hands in his pockets. “and i’m guessing you let him set you up on a blind date so you could get over him.”

“i’m sorry grant,” you sighed. “you’re a great guy, really. and i had a lot of fun tonight.” you sulked.

“y/n, it’s totally fine. you can’t control who you love,” he patted you shoulder in comfort. “i think you should tell him how you feel.” he suggested. you looked at him like he was crazy.

“that sounds like a horrible idea, grant,” you laughed. “as you can see, he’s in a happy relationship.” you said as you arrived to your car, leaning on your door.

“i’m serious! you really should.”

“and why would i do that?” you crossed your arms.

“first, spencer looks at you the way you look at him. second, you should hear the way he talks about you.” grant explained.

“no way. he’s just being a good friend and he’s known me for a long time.”

“when he was talking to me about setting us up, he talked about you as if you had put all of the stars in the sky – he was blushing and even stuttering! trust me y/n, i know. tell him before you lose him for good.” he rambled. you sighed, not wanting to get your hopes up.

“i don’t believe you for one bit,” you both laughed. “and besides, i don’t want to ruin spencer’s happiness.”

“you both deserve to be happy,” he smiled at you. you lazily smiled back at him. “listen, i gotta go. thank you for tonight, y/n, it was nice getting to know you more. even though this date didn’t go as planned, it was nice to make a new friend.”

“thank you grant.” you pulled him in for a warm and comforting hug.

-

you scrolled through netflix as you tried to decide on a series to binge-watch with spencer.

spencer: hey y/n, can i come over and hang out with you?

y/n: sure, why?

spencer: maeve’s caught up with work.

y/n: oh, is she okay with that?

spencer: yeah! she knows we’re just friends.

yeah. just friends.

spencer: wanna watch something? i’ll let you pick.

y/n: sure!

spencer: great! i’ll see you in a bit. :)

yay. great.

you finished putting down bowls of your favorite snacks on the coffee table when you heard a knock. you rushed over to open your door to see your best friend smiling at you.

“hey, come in! i hope you like watching new girl again.” you opened your door wider, letting spencer walk in, he immediately jumped onto your couch. you laughed as you sat next to him, pressing the play button on your remote.

“so, how was the date? what do you think of grant?” spencer asked as the show played in the background.

“it was fun! he’s a cool guy.” you answered.

“that’s great! did you guys kiss? when’s the wedding?” he joked.

“hold your horses, bud,” you rolled your eyes at him. “we did not kiss and there will be no wedding. we actually decided to be just friends.”

“what?!” spencer’s eyes widened. “why?! you two looked so good together.” he pouted.

“i know you worked hard to get us together, and i appreciate you for doing that, but it’s for the best. now can we get back to new girl?” you asked. spencer nodded as you two glued your eyes to the tv.

after a season had finished, spencer looked to you, only to see you knocked out. he shook his head in amusement as he stood up and walked to your room to find you a blanket. before he could grab your blanket, your desk caught his eyes.

“what a mess,” spencer muttered to himself as he tried to organize the files that sat on top of a pile of paper. he moved a few folders and started to organize the papers until he started reading them. “what are these?”

dear spencer,

you are the sweetest person i know. you always bring me my coffee order (i would ask you how you remember my order, but then i realized you have eidetic memory) along with my favorite muffin. even when i have already gotten my order, you still show up with two coffee cups and a paper bag and give me my half. 

to be honest, i feel bad that you’re always spending on me, even if it’s just coffee and muffins and you always tell me that it’s nothing. but i appreciate that you’re always thinking of me – and that’s one of the many reasons why i have fallen for you.

love, y/n

“fallen for me?”

dear spencer,

i wonder how many facts go through your head at a time. i also wonder what kind of books you’ve read to have come across those facts. and with the amount of facts that your brain has obtained, i wonder how fast it takes for your brain to bring up a fact that relates to whatever we’re talking about.

despite the random times you started rambling about a topic and someone from the team stops you, i started to find them fascinating. they’ve interested me enough to the point where i started to do some research on my own whenever you brought up a random fact. your fact dumps are cute – you’re cute.

love, y/n

“y/n thinks i’m cute?”

dear spencer,

oh boy, the things you do to me. i know you’re my best friend, but there are times where it just feels like we could be so much more. remember when we were hanging out at my place and we were watching star wars for the hundredth time? we were having a great time, until you wrapped your arms around me and started cuddling me while we finished the rest of the movies.

i got scared, but i didn’t stop you. i let you hold me in your arms and even wrapped my arms around your torso and leaned on you, hoping that you didn’t notice my heart beating louder and faster than usual. i shouldn’t be feeling this way for my best friend, but goddamnit spencer i’m in love with you.

love, y/n.

“she’s in love with me?”

“s-spence?” a voice called out to him. spencer turned his head to see you with a terrified look on your face. “what are you doing with those?”

“i- are these love letters? to me?” he asked. you visibly gulped.

“those were from a long time ago.” you tried to explain as you felt your eyes starting to sting.

“why didn’t you tell me?” spencer sounded like he was about to break. you deeply inhaled before speaking.

“i was scared of ruining our friendship and obviously you don’t see me that way. there was no point in telling you since you’re with maeve now. i meant to throw those away, but i guess i forgot.” you lowered your head. spencer sighed as he tried to take everything in.

“y/n-”

“can you leave?” you asked slowly. “i think we both need some time to be alone right now.”

“but we need to talk this ou-”

“spencer, please.” you looked up at him with tears that were ready to fall. he understood and walked out. as soon as you heard your door close, you fell onto your bed, hugging your legs to your chest, sobbing until you let darkness consume you.

-

after a few days of taking some time off, you were called in for a local case. the moment you sat at your desk, you could feel spencer’s eyes on you. ever since that night, you haven’t returned any of his calls or messages as you tried to recover yourself from getting your heart broken. and now that you’re back, everybody could feel the awkward tension between you two. you tried to ignore it, putting your focus on the case. 

luckily, hotch could tell what was going on and decided to pair you off with emily for the day. the case you were working on wasn’t as severe as the others you have worked on, so as soon as the team delivered the profile, you went out to lunch with grant.

“and then i asked him to leave.” you finished explaining the incident to him.

“i’m sorry that happened.”

“it’s not your fault. my dumb ass forgot to throw away those stupid letters and now spencer and i can’t even look at each other.” you sighed as you continued to eat your lunch.

“don’t say that. it was better that he found out sooner or else your feelings would’ve eaten you up the longer you kept them in.” grant raised his eyebrows at you.

“you’re right. i just miss him. i miss seeing him and talking to him and i messed it all up. god, even after a few days off, i’m still not over him.” you lazily poked your food.

“the wound is still fresh. no one expects you to be alright right away. but it does help if you talk to him.” he suggested.

“what is there to talk about? spencer doesn’t like me and he’s happy with maeve – end of story.”

“yeah about that,” grant nervously chuckled. “spencer broke up with her.”

“what?” your eyes widened. “why? they were so good together. i didn’t want him to break up with her because of me. now i feel bad.” you frowned.

“he didn’t tell me exactly why they broke up, but i’m guessing it has to do with how he feels about you.” he shrugged.

“about me? yeah, sure.” you roll your eyes in amusement.

“you’ll never know unless you talk to him.”

“how do you always know what to say?” you grinned at your friend.

“it’s part of the charm.” he said, earning a laugh from you.

you soon returned to work to wrap up the case. hours later, it ended with a quick arrest with no one else getting hurt. you relaxed into your desk chair as you started on paperwork.

hours later, you found yourself being one of the only people left in the office (along with spencer sitting at his desk and hotch in his office).

“are you sure you don’t want to come get drinks with us? paperwork can wait until tomorrow.” emily offered as she, jj, derek, and penelope were ready to hit the town.

“as much as i would love to, i think i’m just gonna stay in tonight after i’m done. thank you though, and have fun for me!” you smiled at them, giving them quick hugs before returning back to work.

after a couple more hours, you finished the last of your paperwork, bringing your pile up to hotch’s office.

“here’s that paperwork i’ve finished. i also finished morgan’s pile,” you said, placing the files on his desk. “is there anymore that you want me to do?”

“no, you’ve done a lot today. get some rest.”

“okay, thank you.” you smiled at him.

“thank you again, y/n, have a good night.” he said, not even making eye contact.

“thanks, you too.”

“oh, and y/n?” hotch quickly said, lifting his head up. “talk to reid.” he simply said. you softly exhale.

“yes sir.” you nodded, giving your boss a small smile.

you quickly returned to your desk, looking up to see that spencer had already left. you slump your shoulders in defeat.

maybe i’ll talk to him tomorrow.

you opened your drawer to grab a few items and placed them in your bag. you checked the drawer again to make sure you didn’t miss anything, until you noticed some things that weren’t there before.

envelopes? what are those doing there?

you picked them up to see your name and a number written in an eerily familiar handwriting on one side. you carefully opened the envelope that said ‘y/n (1).’

dear y/n,

you’ve always intrigued me. not gonna lie, when i first met you, i was intimidated by you. you carried yourself with such confidence and ambition, i instantly thought that we were opposites – that you would be annoyed by me. but then i got to know you. you greeted me with a big smile, and i honestly felt my knees wobbling.

you are the sweetest girl. you’re so understanding and you always make everyone’s happiness your number one priority (although i do think it’s not a bad thing to be selfish sometimes). you’ve done so much for everyone, especially the team, both inside and outside of work.

when i found out you had a secret love for superheroes and science fiction, we became closer. i told you everything and whenever i felt down, you were the first person i went to, and you did the same to me. i am so grateful to have you by my side. i know you aren’t one to open up a lot, but i’m happy to be that one person you let break down your walls sometimes.

love, spencer

you started choking on air as your heart started picking up the pace. you picked up the second letter, opening it a little faster than the first one. you took a deep breath before you started reading the longer letter.

dear y/n,

for someone who has eidetic memory, i can’t pinpoint the exact moment where i realized i was starting to have feelings for you. there are so many moments where i see you as more than just my best friend, it’s honestly the little things you do that just gives me butterflies in my stomach.

like your first christmas with the team when you gave me several pairs of star trek socks. you told me you felt bad for not getting me something more expensive, but i love them. i’ve worn those socks more than any other pair i own. there was another time where you sent my mother a gift basket just because you thought she was feeling down. i didn’t know you sent her one until she called me out of the blue, wanting to thank you for cheering her up – i honestly didn’t even know you two regularly talked to each other. i don’t really talk to anyone about my mom until i met you, and it really means a lot to me seeing you check up on her when i wasn’t able to.

but what made my heart flutter the most is when you came over to jj’s and helped watch henry with me. i can usually take care of that little rascal without trouble, but i guess one night he decided to eat a bunch of candy and run around the house. you basically teleported (which is not scientifically possible, yet) and managed to catch henry and help him settle down. i couldn’t help but admire you with loving eyes as you made henry laugh while you tucked him into bed. you’re really great with kids and would make an amazing mother someday.

this letter was longer than usual and i got a little carried away. i just wanted to tell you that you are a wonderful person who deserves the world.

love, spencer

you felt a tug at your heartstrings as you smiled from ear to ear. you looked at the last envelope, feeling a little bit scared to open it. nonetheless, you ripped the top open, taking in another deep breath before reading.

dear y/n,

i really am an idiot, aren’t i? ever since the night i found your letters, i felt like the biggest jerk in the world. i broke your heart many times without even noticing, and seeing you cry that night made me feel like absolute shit. i hate that i’m reason you’re hurting and i would give everything up just to make you happy again.

after thinking things through, i broke up with maeve that same night. i love her and she will always have a place in my heart, but she isn’t you. and before you start to think that it’s your fault, it’s definitely not. i made the decision to end things with her, and don’t worry, she’s okay and she actually understands. i’m 100% sure of my decision.

i’ve never met anyone like you. you’ve been in my thoughts and dreams for the longest time. when i fell for you, i fell hard. i didn’t even think you would see me as more than just a best friend, and i am such an idiot for thinking that i can replace you. you deserve true love and happiness and i hope you find that someone that gives you their all – even if it isn’t me.

love, spencer.

you wiped the tears off your face as you read the last sentence.

“holy shit.” you managed to breathe out. 

you quickly got up and grabbed your bag and car keys and sprinted to the elevator. you bounced your leg as you anxiously waited for the elevator to reach the parking garage.

run to your car. speed to spencer’s apartment without getting pulled over. slam on his door until he answers it – i’ll kick it down if i have to.

as soon as the doors open, you started running to your car. as you got closer, you spotted a tall figure leaning on your car, stopping in your tracks and almost dropping your keys.

“spencer?” you said, causing him to jump up a little.

“hey y/n.” he scrambled, trying to get himself together.

“you waited for me?” you stated the obvious. spencer nodded, giving you a nervous smile.

“seeing that you were still up there for a while, i’m guessing you read the letters.” he lightly scratched the back of his neck.

“oh, i had one more case to file,” you started to joke. “what letters?” you raised an eyebrow. spencer’s eyes widened.

“well, this is awkward. i guess i’ll get going-” he started to walk away.

“i’m just kidding!” you exclaimed, gently grabbing his wrist. “i did read them.” you said quietly.

“oh.” spencer cooed.

“look, i didn’t mean to put you in that situation. i really was happy for you two and i know you said it’s not my fault you broke up with her, but i can’t help but feel guilty. i’m sorry.” you felt tears building up again.

“please, don’t be,” spencer grabbed your hands. “yes i liked maeve. she’s a great person and all, but what i felt for her was nothing compared to what i feel for you.” he confessed. you felt your heart racing.

“really?”

“yes,” he chuckled. “and if you don’t feel the same anymore, i’m totally fine just being your best friend. i’d rather have you in my life as a friend than as nothing at all. and i know you deserve someone who makes you happy and won’t break your heart and-”

before spencer could finish, you placed your hands behind his neck and pulled him in for a sweet, yet passionate kiss. you felt him smile as he held your face in his hands, deepening the kiss. soon, you both pull back to catch your breaths, and you found yourself looking at him as if he held the entire universe in his eyes. you gently placed a hand on his cheek.

“i want you.” you lazily smiled at him.

“can i ask you something?” spencer raised his eyebrows.

“anything.”

“did you throw away those letters?” he asked. you thought about his question, realizing that you never really did touch those letters ever since he found them.

“actually, i didn’t. why?” you looked at him with confusion. spencer suddenly started smiling mischievously. he snatched your car keys out of your hand and ran to the driver’s side.

“we’re going back to your place and i’m reading every single letter you wrote me!” he laughed.

“spencer, no!”

[cabinofimagines]

In the end, cleaning wins.

Percy x gn!reader

Summary: Percy and Y/n are trying their best to be adults. Between work, school, being a demigod, and keeping up the apartment, something or someone was bound to snap.

A/N: Bro I’m always so bad at writing fight scenes since I’m such a peacekeeper lmao. I try to avoid conflict often so rip if this isn’t good.

-Day

_______________________________________

Being an adult is exhausting. 

No seriously, it is. Percy hadn’t slept in over 26 hours at the fault of his new job at the aquarium. It held unusually odd hours, the only upside being a nice pay and working with sea creatures. He loved it, but the position and people he had to work with were obnoxious in many ways.

He stayed up all night trying to cram for a chem exam coming up, but he would’ve slept an hour at least if he’d known the bullshit coming his way. He left home yesterday morning for his bio lecture where he zoned out for 2 out of the 3 hours. Unfortunately, homework was assigned based on the day’s lecture. Amazing. Then, he was called into work directly after because the opening manager flaked out. Also amazing.

The school was across town from the aquarium so he figured he could catch some sleep on the subway, but before he even boarded, a group of dracaena ambushed him. He took off running, hoping that maybe he could lose them instead of having to fight. If he fought in this sluggish state then he’d probably screw up and shish kebab himself.

 He could probably just run to the aquarium from here, take a few back alleys and shake off the slithering psychos. He turned to check if they were still following and to his surprise, they were right on his heels. Pretty fast for creatures with no legs. Or would having the ability to just… glide be faster? Like being on skateboard?

Now really wasn’t the time to be thinking of dracaena with skateboard bodies.

He turned sharply and took the fire escape three steps at a time. He wasn’t sure where this was going, but he was fairly certain that in the prospect of jumping buildings, the person with legs had the upper hand. He could hear the dracaena hissing out things like “get back here, sssson of the sssssea god” or “come here, child”. How the Hades are they still behind him?

He saw the edge of the building approaching and realized that maybe it was a little too far of a jump. But he was already flying over the gap and praying that his ankles don’t snap like twigs when he lands. 

Luckily, he made it. He hit the ledge with his chest, his arms pulling him up. He scrambled to his feet, ready to turn and fight if that jump didn’t shake them. Turns out that it did work, because he’d the pleasure of seeing the failed attempt of the hissing heathers falling one by one into the gap between the buildings. He heard them yelp out curses on the way down, but wasn’t sure if they combusted into dust or not. 

He decided to roof hop for most of the way to work, one because it was a little faster this way and because he had less of a chance to run into bored monsters. Man, he was glad that he didn’t have a manager to answer to this time, they’d probably just be glad he showed up.

---

Percy prided himself on being a pretty chill person both at work and on the regular. However, there wasn’t a day that passed where he wondered if he should just hop in one of the tanks and pretend to be a fish. The sea otters seem pretty stress-free.

He was exhausted and running on energy drinks he’d bought from the gas station a little ways from work. What was supposed to be a 6-hour shift on his one day off turned into him working from 11:30 am to midnight after the evening manager decided to leave early. Percy was never one to complain when others went home before him, in fact, he usually chooses to go last unless he has homework due at 11:59. But when Cooper decided Percy could handle closing the aquarium by himself, he lost it. 

He took the last bus home, thankfully, his trip home was quieter than his trip to work. He sat in the back, head tilted toward the window as he tried to calm the headache that tortured him. He was pretty sure that Y/n would be asleep by now, they had an early morning and he didn’t expect them to wait up for him… but tonight, he really hoped they did.

The promise that Y/n would be there, asleep or not, was comforting enough to him. He wanted nothing more than wordless cuddles and a deep sleep right now. 

----

Walking through the building door he noticed the hall light was off– correction, it was blown. No biggie, Percy had found his way in the dark multiple times, but the stairs seemed to be a different story. He tried so hard to be quiet on the way upstairs, but he managed to trip over the ledge. He swore quietly, fumbling for the railing and hoping his neighbor was dead asleep.

Ronnie often threw fits over the amount of noise the couple made, even if it wasn’t much of a ruckus, Ronnie always claimed that his keen ears could hear everything. He still hadn’t forgiven Percy for the quip he made about maybe turning his hearing aids down, but he will. Hopefully.

Somehow he made it to the apartment door in one piece fumbling for his keys and unlocking the door. He took note of the darkened place and figured that maybe Y/n really did go to bed. It’s alright, Percy was ready to crash and catch a few hours of sleep.

But the lamp was on in their bedroom and the door was cracked open still, so… are you up?

Percy kicked off his shoes and dropped his book bag by the door, trudging over to the bedroom and nudging the door open. Sitting upright in the bed sat Y/n reading a book he’d bought for your birthday. Percy smiled, you looked so cute bundled up in his old uni t-shirt. 

Your eyes shifted to him, crinkling with happiness, “You’re back?” You didn’t move though, clearly comfortable under the heavy duvet. 

He nodded with a small smile, moving over to your side of the bed and placing a quick kiss on your forehead, “I’m gonna take a shower and grab something to eat, you go ahead and get some rest.”

After he turned to leave you heaved a sigh, not sure how to bring this up when he’s as tired as he is. Maybe this could wait until tomorrow? Then he’d be less tired and maybe… no, you already put this off long enough. He’ll be tired regardless of when it’s brought up, might as well get it over with.

So you sat there, not really even reading the words on the page anymore, your thoughts wandering from the universe the author had written about. It really shouldn’t have been this nerve-wracking. It’s a basic thing that needs to be done in every house and you were getting tired of doing it every single time.

Cabinets shutting brought your attention back to the present. Reluctantly, you pushed the duvet back and shuffled towards the kitchen, Percy eating a PB&J sandwich coming into view. He looked like a little kid, leaning against the counter in his black sweatpants and a graphic tee, munching on a small sandwich he made. You grinned and leaned beside him, ignoring the confused glances he gave.

“You miss me that much?” He joked, mouth full of food.

You snorted and looked down, something you tended to do when you got nervous. He seemed in a good mood despite whatever may had happened today, so it’s now or never.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” you mumbled, “And I know you’re tired but I feel like this is only going to get worse if we don’t talk about it now.”

Percy blinked and continued to eat, his silence a cue to continue. He didn’t really want to talk about anything right now, he just wanted to eat his sandwich and go to bed. But it seemed important so he figured he’d survive a little longer.

You studied your sock-clad feet closely, “I know we’re both really busy and it’s hard to find time for certain things like time with each other, time to study, or cleaning. But it’s something we have to find time for, y’know?”

Percy hummed, “I can ask off on Saturday if you want? We can spend the day together, we haven’t had a whole day in a while.”

You gave a small smile because while that is a concern, that’s not what you were talking about. You won’t say no though. You stole a glance at him, “I have missed being with you, I guess.”

“You guess?” Percy said a little louder, poking your stomach teasingly, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

You chuckled, swatting his hand away, “Be quiet! Ronnie will be at our door in a second, you know that.” Just do it, he’s in a good mood! “I was actually talking about the cleaning…”

At that, Percy took a look around. The dishes weren’t overflowing and the laundry wasn’t piling up, it didn’t look like something needed to be addressed. He finished the last of his sandwich, “Okay? What needs to be done?”

“Well between the two of us there is hardly any time to do anything else right? Well, it feels like I’m the only one taking care of the place-”

“But I do take care of the place,” He interrupted, “I pay the bills and I pick up after myself so-”

“But you don’t.” You spoke exasperated, “You don’t always pick up after yourself. Look, you left the bread and the PB&J out!” A fight isn’t what you wanted so you tried to approach it a different way. You took a deep breath, “...I understand you’re busy, I am too. I just want you to make a conscious effort to put things away where they belong.”

He scoffed, a disbelieving smile on his face, “I’m not a kid anymore, Y/n. I know how to clean up after myself, my mom made sure of that.”

“Then why don’t you? You used to be really good about helping me out–”

“I’m exhausted Y/n, what do you want me to do?!” 

“Fucking help me, that’s what!”

It went quiet, staring the other down and wondering who would back down first. It was silly honestly, but you were tired of picking up the slack. The work in the apartment used to be equal but lately its looking a lot like you do 88% and Percy does 12%.

You relented, huffing and shaking your head, “Okay then.” You turned on your heel, going over to the front door and putting your shoes on along with a jacket. You needed to calm down, a little fresh air to maybe come up with a different way of approaching this. 

The convenience store across the road might still be open. You could grab one of those bottled iced coffees for tomorrow morning, maybe a small snack too. Hopefully the small errand would be long enough for you to think of another approach. Maybe one where Percy was less of an ass, or less tired, whichever one really.

Percy followed you around to the door, his crossed arms dropping to his sides when he noticed what you were doing. He furrowed his brows, “Where are you going? It’s past midnight.”

“I’m well aware of the time, Perseus.” You hissed, “I’m going out to grab a few things.”

He shook his head, his black hair still wet from the shower, “You can wait until morning for that, come on!” he spoke lowly as he approached you, “let’s just get some rest...”

You pulled from his reach and twisted the door knob open, walking out without another word. You closed it behind you and padded over to the stairs, hopping down the unlit steps like you normally did. 

Unluckily, your foot narrowly missed the next step and without the light to see where you could potentially catch yourself, you fell. Yep, you hit every step on the way down. If Ronnie hadn’t heard the argument you just had, he had to have heard your swears as your body fumbled down to the 1st floor.

Percy flung the door open, the light from your apartment lighting up the dark stairwell. His footsteps thundered down the stairs and there he sat in front of you, words flying out of his mouth so fast that you didn’t even know what he was saying. The fall caught you so off guard that you weren’t sure what was happening right now.

Ronnie threw his door open, profanities slipping out his mouth at the noise, “And this is why I never rent to young couples!” He shouted, but the threat of his words were tame without his dentures to help him spit it out. He turned his head to the bottom of the stairs where Percy leaned over your confused figure, fumbling over his words and oblivious to Ronnie.

“Well shit...” Ronnie muttered, backing back into his apartment quietly.

You snapped out of your daze, noticing how much your ankle actually hurt. Okay you’ve definitely dealt with worse, but the pain was still annoying. You started to push yourself off the steps and into a standing position, using the railing to steady yourself on your good foot.

Percy’s hands slid up your body, settling on your waist and attempting to help you back up the stairs. He kept his mouth shut on the way into the apartment, knowing that you’re probably even more irritated now.

Once you were sat comfortably on the couch, he rushed off to grab a bag of frozen peas to put on your ankle to stop the swelling. You did appreciate the thought, but you were not dealing with this any longer than you had to.

“Percy, there’s some ambrosia in my dresser, bottom drawer on the left.” 

He blinked and wandered off to the bedroom, shuffling through your stuff before muttering, “It’s not even in here.” He spent a couple of more minutes looking around for the Ziploc bag you had, but clearly wasn’t really looking.

You hauled yourself off the couch, chuckling and shaking your head at his antics. Hobbling into the room you saw that he was looking in the night stand, not the dresser like you told him to. No wonder he couldn’t find it. 

“Kelp head, I said the dresser not the night stand.” You laughed, limping over to the dresser and lcoating the bits of ambrosia. Percy was by your side in an instant, leading you back towards the bed and helping you situate yourself there comfortably. You said nothing as you opened the bag and nibbled on one of the pieces, a warm feeling washing over you.

You could feel the pain in your ankle easing off slowly and hopefully it would only be a little sore by morning. Percy took the bag from your hands and set it aside wordlessly, he muttered something about closing the front door before leaving the room.

You could tell he felt awkward about what just happened and he probably felt a little guilty about the argument you just had, even if it wasn’t all that serious. The two of you have had worse fights about worse things, but this is the first time in a while. It was bound to happen.

He came back in right as you shifted under the blankets, turning the light off and slipping underneath with you. He didn’t snuggle up to you right away, waiting to see if you were still pissed at him, but you didn’t make a move to kick him out the bed.

“I’m sorry for being such a dick, Y/n.” He whispered, “I didn’t know how much it bothered you and I’ll try to clean more often. I swear.” 

Nothing was said, for a moment, Percy thought you’d fallen asleep, but you turned slowly to face him, eyes scanning his face in the dim light from the window. You brought a hand up to his face and traced his jawline gently, “That’s all I wanted you to do, stupid.”

He huffed and inched closer to nuzzle your nose with his, “And all it took was a sprained ankle for me to figure that out.”

You laughed and knocked your forehead against his, “It’s my fault for being so deadset on grabbing coffee for tomorrow morning. I should’ve just gone to bed.”

“Do you want coffee now? I can go grab it–”

“No, I’m not getting up tomorrow. Go to sleep, fish brain.”

[michellejackson]

Jeg har nok kjærlighet for deg og meg

PART ONE

Fandom: Druck

Pairing: Fatou Jallow/Kieu My Vu

Wordcount: 1065

AU where Kieu My and Fatou haven't met yet, but Ismail still steals a tortoise.

or the one where Kieu My is having a shitty day, but a certain aquarium store worker brightens it.

You can also read it on ao3 :)

This was, without a doubt the worst day of Kieu My’s life. Looking down at her now coffee stained clothes, she let out an exasperated sigh. Why does this kind of shit always happen to her?

“Oops” the older man in front of her says, not seeming sorry at all. It’s okay. It’s just coffee. It could’ve been worse. Worse already happened. She plasters on a smile, not wanting to give the old goon any satisfaction in seeing her discomfort. She knew his type, telling him off would just give him more ammunition, especially here.

“It’s fine.”

And with that she turned away from him. At the moment she was just thankful that the coffee wasn’t smoldering hot. She wasn’t even surprised by the words muttered under his breath as she walked away.

“Should’ve stayed in China with your virus”

She stopped in her tracks, looking over her shoulder at him as she said, “I’m the one wearing a mask. Where’s yours?”. There was no point in telling him that she wasn’t Chinese, he wouldn’t care, and she had no desire to deal with another racist today.

She quickly found some napkins by the coffee station and made her way back towards her family. Her mother gasped when she took in her exterior, but before she could say anything Kieu My quickly explained to her that she’d accidentally spilled coffee all over herself, for there was no reason to put her mother under even more stress.

They were at the police station at 9 in the morning. A few hours ago, the store her parents owned was robbed and mostly destroyed. All the windows had been shattered and the groceries were destroyed. To top it all off, the words “WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE” were sprayed on the inside of the store. She feels like she should be more shocked, but the recent spike in racism towards Asians the last year has left her numb, she was just so tired.

“I’m fine mom, really.” She tried to assure her, but her mom wouldn’t have any of it. She banished her to the mall a couple of blocks away, to get herself cleaned up was the excuse she used, but Kieu My knew that wasn’t the real reason. Her mom wanted her away from the station, to try to shield her from the reality of the situation-

“You look horrible, you can’t let people see you in this state, go and clean up”

-even though she wouldn’t say it out loud.

So Kieu My left the station at her mother’s command. The walk to the mall only took about five minutes, and before she knew it, she had fully dried her shirt at the public bathroom and was on her way out. Halfway out of the mall was when she stopped short.

She looked into some shop, animal shop of some kind, but that wasn’t what peaked her interest. There was a girl behind the register, maybe the most beautiful girl she’d ever seen. She looked to be around Kieu My’s age, and she glowed. Her smile was so radiant and Kieu My felt weak in the knees. There was someone else working in the store, but Kieu My didn’t pay much attention to them, she was too distracted by the black girl with hair braided into a high, golden ponytail. She could see her eyes crinkle as she laughed, and god, from that moment on she knew she was a goner.

It took a couple minutes for Kieu My to stop staring. Feeling like a creep, she set foot back to the police station.

She’d come back, she had to.

-

A few days went by, and Kieu My still didn’t have a good enough excuse to visit the pet shop girl. What did she expect? For an animal to just appear at her house in need of help? She didn’t have any pets, nor did any of her friends, and it wasn’t like she could just go to the store and-

Her phone rings, Ismail is facetiming her. Reluctantly she answers the phone, “Hey, Isma-” they cut her off, “Kieu My we have a problem.” They’re walking outside, panting a little.

“Uhm, what kind of problem?”

“I’m on my way to yours right now, do you have any food? What do turtles eat?”

-

It seemed that Ismail had stolen a turtle. They’d stolen a fuckings turtle. “Ismail, what the fuck” she said as she opens the door. They let themselves in and helped themselves to her kitchen. She was the only one home, which is lucky for her, because Ismail just put the animal on her kitchen table and her mom would kill her if she knew.

Long story short, Ismail had dared their friend Constantin to steal the turtle from the local zoo, not thinking he’d actually do it, and now they were stuck with a stolen turtle.

“Why can’t you just let Constantin handle it? He’s the one that stole it.” Ismail looked down at the animal, lightly caressing its back. Sighing they said, “you know how he is.” And she did. It was stupid of her to even ask, of course Constantin wouldn’t take care of the animal, he wouldn’t even take care of himself.

Ismail looked at her now, smiling, “I fed her some cookies, but I don’t think she liked it very much, I don’t know what they eat.” They shrugged and Kieu My facepalmed. Oh god. “You fed it cookies?” it was a light shout, but Ismail didn’t take it personally. “How am I supposed to know what they eat, food is food, right?”. Kieu My don’t have much knowledge about animals in general, but she don’t think any of them would enjoy store bought cookies.

She groaned, she knew Ismail had come here for her help, but she didn’t know what she could possibly do to- wait.

This was perfect.

She carefully picked the turtle up and placed it back in the paper box Ismail and brought it in. She smiled up at her friend, “you know what, this might be the best bad situation I’ve ever been in” she picked up the box and moved towards the door, gesturing for Ismail to follow her.

“Wait where are we going?”

Kieu My didn’t even try to hide the excitement from her voice, “well, to the mall of course”.

[ziracona]

Friendship headcanons between Anna and Quentin’s dad? Maybe Nacy too.

For sure! Love their weird awkward relationship.

So, it’s weird for Alan. Like, really weird. Like, can you imagine being him and your poor kid comes home traumatized as fuck after 9 years and he’s got a feral Russian bear woman who is his surrogate mom now in tow?

Obviously, Alan is very stressed about the potential of anything happening to Quentin again, so even knowing the situation, Anna is kind of a source of stress at first. It’s important to Quentin though, so he goes with it and tries to be supportive. It isn’t until about a month after Anna is released from the rehabilitation facility that he is truly at peace about it though. But it happens. There’s a night where Quentin falls asleep on the couch watching a movie, and they don’t notice until it ends. Alan decides to let him sleep there in peace for a bit before waking him up to go sleep in his bed, and is putting up dishes from supper, when he sees Anna carefully putting a blanket over Quentin and stroking his head twice before smiling and leaving him to sleep too, warm now, and he just kind of forgets what he was doing becuase he never quite really truly believed Anna was just selflessly and genuinely invested in his kid’s happiness, but there’s no one there to see, no consciousness for Quentin to appreciate the gesture, and he smiles, because it’s such a relief, and it’s sweet, and he wished Quentin’s mom had lived longer, wished he’d found someone else to be a mom for the kid growing up, and he’s deeply happy he’s got one now.

Anna doesn’t really know what to do with Alan at first either. Like, she gets that ‘Dad’ is the man counterpart to ‘Mama,’ but since hers was dead before she was old enough to remember, she doesn’t really know what that looks like, and never thought about it before. At first is kind of tentatively curious if this means they’re rivals, and she should be jealous of him. Alan never once seems to view their relationships to Quentin that way though, so thank god it never turns into a competition. She’s not sure what it is though, when she realizes it’s not that. So mostly she just tries to give him space and not cause confrontation between them out of respect for Quentin. She notices how good he is to Quentin though, and a few weeks before Alan really gets the same read on her, and kind of softens a little and decides he’s okay. Then suddenly a month in, Alan is more open towards her and starts interacting with her intentionally, even when no Quentin is there at present as an ice breaker. It is super awkward for them both, and they haven’t got a clue how to act towards each other, but they’re both slightly interested in trying, and it works. Alan asks her the morning after he realizes she’s okay if she wants to learn how to make muffins, since she’s sitting at the table watching him cook with a look like a cat has when it sees a new small rodent for the first time, and Anna really does. She is fascinated by all the tricks to tastes there are, and the wild variety of foods she had no idea could exist. At first she’s like “Me?” And very confused by this change in attitude, but he’s nice to her and it’s fun and the food is good, so she enjoys it, and accepts without reservation when he offers another lesson at lunch. This is how their relationship begins: Alan asking her if she wants to learn how to cook various things. Sometimes Nancy and or Quentin joins in, or anyone else in the house. And it’s fun. Anna never looked at food prep as anything but a survival necessity, but there’s a day two months in where she’s covered in flour making shortbread cookies with Alan and Nancy and Quentin, listening to music and people laughing and singing along, and she realizes lots of humans make all kinds of mundane acts into fun activities. And she really likes that. : )

Anna tries to reciprocate Alan’s gestures of goodwill by offering to teach him to hunt, which Alan refuses politiely because he has no idea what he’d do with hatchet throwing and animal tracking skills, but he immediately sees how hurt and insulted and wounded to her core that makes Anna and covers it with a “I mean—I would love to, but I’m just not sure I could have the skills at my age. I’m so old I might be hopeless to teach.” And Anna goes from :’-( to : D instantly and is like “No, no! Not too late—I show you. Many skills very easy to learn basics of. I am good teacher. Can teach even you, I am sure.” And is exceedingly enthusiastic teaching him basic tracking skills the next morning. It’s uh. It’s an awkward walk through a nearby park for Alan at 6AM, with Anna kneeling like fkn Aragorn to listen to the ground or touch dog tracks and sniff things while pointing out valuable intel, but he is duly attentive and awed by her skills, and takes his lesson like a champ, and it’s actually pretty fascinating stuff once you get past the “Wtf is happening” looks you’re getting from every early morning dog walker and jogger going past.

Alan picks up pretty fast that since Anna has almost no social experience, she tends to take social cues from those around her (like trading skills to make friends, or trading gifts with Min & Quentin), and is more careful how he approaches stuff. That also makes him like Anna a lot more, because it’s so sincere and she’s so truly giving all of this her best. He starts a tradition of going back and forth on who picks an activity that interests them to try to give her a chance to branch out and see more of the modern world. Greatly enjoys seeing how much she is excited and fascinated by like, everything. Anna is so mind blown the first time Nancy suggests they hit an Aquarium that it takes 4 times as long as normal to get through, becuase she can’t stop getting lost in the sight of every exhibit. Anna meanwhile notices pretty quick how watchful Alan is and how protective whenever he’s out with Quentin, although he tries to keep Quentin from noticing it too much, and she is very happy about this. Important for parents to be good protectors, especially with Quentin’s luck.

It takes Anna a while to quite get Nancy and Quentin’s relationship, but she decides after much deliberation that she approves and it’s cute. She likes how attentive Nancy is, and how quiet she can be. Thinks she would make a good hunter with skills like that. Is also very aware how much happier Quentin is around her. Decides this makes her a daughter too, and happily welcomes her into the fold. After Nancy realizes this, it kind of breaks her for a while, because she still misses her own mom so, so much. The first time Anna gives her a hug to comfort her about something so much more mundane—just a twisted ankle on a hike, she has a breakdown and can’t stop silently crying into her chest, becuase she still has an open wound in her heart where her mom is concerned. Anna isn’t a replacement, but she is a balm, and it helps. It really does, to have a big self-determined second mom hug you even when she doesn’t understand until you’ve cried all the tears you had, and still be waiting there with patience to hold you through more, and whispered comforts and strong arms around your back. Nancy gets her stuff for the next Mother’s Day, and it almost breaks her heart to have someone to shop for again, but she’s happier too, because it’s a comfort to know another one could love her too, and by choice. She’s had so much guilt over her mom’s death, sometimes she’s wondered if she never deserved to have one love her at all, no matter how much she knows her mom would never want her to think like that. It weirdly helps her talk more about her own mom again, especially to Quentin, who, while he barely remembers his mom, has some small idea how it all feels. She’s able to dig out a lot of the memories of Gwen Holbrook she couldn’t bear to look at for a long time, and forgive herself a little more. And able to make some new memories with Anna and Quentin and Alan she thinks her mom will be happy to hear about someday.

It wasn’t like that at first, though. Nancy is one of the few people who weren’t in the realm who has almost no issue adjusting to Anna, but she had some right at the start. She’s super wary the like, first couple days, because she has mountains worth of PTSD specifically centered around pseudo parental figures and people killing Quentin, but she’s observant as hell, and after watching Anna bodyslam Michael Myers through a wall on first meeting becuase she misconstrued his asshole big brother lifestyle choice of picking Quentin up by his collar for no reason other than easy and fun to push him around as an act of war, she realizes she truly has nothing to worry about, and Anna is an ally in arms when it comes to keeping the guy she loves alive.

Anna is extremely impressed with both Alan and Nancy for their roles in killing Freddy, and this is a massive affinity boost. She thinks Nancy is a little wolf of a girl in the best possible way, and approves of her level of dangerous greatly.

While Alan has no romantic feelings for Anna, it’s really nice to have a woman in the house again—it’s kind of nostalgic, jus to hear her singing sometimes and such. He offers to take her shopping for clothes and accessories becuase he remembers some of the places his wife especially loved, and it makes him sad and happy to be able to put that old treasured remnant of someone beloved to him to good use again. Anna really loves a couple of the same spots, especially a tiny handmade jewelry from gemstones shop, and it hurts but in a good way to have a reason to go there again.

Anna is exceedingly jealous of the photo of Quentin’s mom over the fireplace for like, a year and a half after she realizes who she is. It’s kind of funny. I mean, she’s dead. There is no threat. But Anna despises it and it takes all the willpower she has not to go hide it in a drawer somewhere.

That is until almost two years in when she wakes up early to weird noise and comes down to see Alan has the photo with him at the table, and a little setup with flowers and candles and objects she doesn’t recognize, and he’s crying. It isn’t until that night when she asks Quentin that she finds out it’s the anniversary of his mom’s death that day, but as soon as she sees Alan and the setup, she feels bad, and the anger and jealousy goes away, becuase she remembers feeling exactly that way for years and years at the sight of the portrait of her mother, and still now at the thought of it. The jealousy does not come back.

Alan, Nancy, Quentin, and Anna hang out a lot, and with Feng, Nea, and Ace, or Philip and Claudette a lot too. At a point, Alan starts reaching a “Okay you stay here with the kids and I’ll go grab tickets” kind of tag-team responsibility with Anna, and Anna thinks this is fun, and is immensely pleased with this new role of responsibility partnership. She begins doing the same with him, and likes being partner protectors of the group. She’s wanted to find a family again her whole life, and finally found it now after all these years, but she’s found more than that too; she’s found community, and she never had that before, so she didn’t know to miss it or seek it out or even that it was a thing to want, but now that she has it, she’s so much more happy and content and proud than she’s ever been.

[broodsys]

so. just like - updates, overview, mood, what im trying to deal with, lowkey venting

ending week 7 of school (out of 10) and im so glad that both classes are rly laid back bc i am struggling sfm with everything lately. and i mean, spanish is still challenging bc its a whole different language, but it’s a very familiar challenging and the prof, for all her faults, is a soft grader which i appreciate.

im a lot calmer about the kitten situation bc even tho (stray) momma cat had five kittens this time, good!neighbors helped last year and have been involved with me thru momma cat ever since, and im a lot more familiar with what to do. for instance, i didnt panic and temporarily steal all her babies at fair injury to myself only to research, see that they should be with their mom at this age, confirm it with the vet, then let them go right back outside lmao. instead im just leaving them with her but beginning to interact with them. and im sure the neighbors socialize them, too - after all, they’re mostly on/under their deck and who wouldn’t want to play with tiny kittens?

and yall, they’re so fucking cute im ;;;;;; one gray, one pure black, one tuxedo like its mom, and two tortoiseshells, one with a black splotch right on the middle of its face and nose ;o;

and in less fun but still good-ish news, i think i got the one concession that since alcohol has become such a big trigger of mine, if my brother is going to drink he has to be kinda subtle about it, ie no beer cans left in the sink for me to wake up to and feel like ive been punched in the gut literally first thing in the morning (:

actually bc ive been so triggered by that (it’s been going on for like 4 days as of yesterday) i had a Ton of anxious energy and, in part bc ive been needing to anyway, rearranged my room p significantly. but now im on my desktop at my actual desk instead of trying to work on, literally, a folding tv dinner tray. but my 10g aquarium was on my desk and its a pain to move - still, it was one of those rearrangement sessions where after u move one thing u see how another thing should be moved, and it all works out really well. the new location for the 10g is so close that i was able to slide it over and have it rest at one point on both surfaces

im still exhausted and still fighting so many different things, health, stress, etc. - but i have my root canal appointment on monday (finally!) and while, like, the tooth is already dead and a drainage point has developed naturally, both of which mean im not in pain, its still an ongoing infection and that’s Not Great for anyone and esp for my immunocompromised ass. so, yeah, looking forward to that. also bc it’s a complicated root canal job (my root splits midway and has two ends, and it’s one of my front teeth! even tho it’s a pain, neat) i need to see an actual endodontist, but im honestly p excited abt that bc endo is my personal favorite dental specialty and it’s so cool. i love watching them work? even when they’re working on me?

im gonna run my name & gender change forms done to the courthouse this upcoming week, and im rly excited! and nervous! i don’t think i have much cause to be, like i think it’ll go thru without a hitch, but official paperwork of any stripe makes me hella nervous

but also i have been... rly relieving my past a Lot lately. some of u may’ve seen me mention this in now deleted posts but just, yeah, i think everything that’s going on just stirred up all my old traumas and i cant rly ignore it anymore, so im thinking abt getting a therapist of some kind, more just to have someone external to the family and not, yknow, tumblr to talk to abt all this. even dug out my DBT handbook, which should say a Lot abt my state of mind bc that thing was a pain to dig out and it’s heavy and unwieldy (and great, and written by someone with BPD, and great and personally completely revolutionary and did i mention great?)

but the garden and all the growth and the birds and squirrels and bugs and everything else makes me feel so calm, so connected to smth a lot greater and vaster than my household or immediate family or the stressors (living) downstairs, which helps.

[aquariumsoap]

Thank you @bluespruce for tagging me in this question thing!

1. Name/Nickname

My name is Ava and I have no nicknames because I’m boring I guess

2. Gender

Cisgender woman

3. Star Sign

Cancer Sun / Capricorn Moon / Taurus Rising :)

4. Height

5’2”

5. Current Time

6:52pm EST

6. Birthday

June 29th 1999

7. Favorite Bands/Groups

Vampire Weekend, Muse, Run The Jewels, Paramore, HAIM, and many more

8. Favorite Solo Artist

ofc Taylor Swift, I also like Phoebe Bridgers, Rina Sawayama, Charli XCX, Sufjan Stevens, and again many many more

9. Song Stuck in Your Head

For Sale (Interlude) by Kendrick Lamar

10. Last Movie Watched

Fellowship of the Ring extended but my brother and I tapped out after three hours bc we were too tired to finish

11. Last Show Watched

Embarrassingly enough it was ouran high school host club because for some reason of all the anime I watched in middle school THAT’S the one that stuck with me. Why. I do love it though even if it does not hold up at all

12. When Did You Create This Blog

I believe sometime around Christmas 2013

13. What Do You Post

Fuck if I know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

15. Last Google Search

The hours of a local restaurant

15. Other Blogs

I used to have a Taylor Swift related sideblog when I was in high school but I deleted it because I only made it because a friend of mine who followed me hates her music and I didn’t want to spam them but they deleted their tumblr so it no longer served a purpose

16. Do You Get Asks

No lmao I’m not interesting enough to get random strangers who want to know everything about me or who value my opinions

17. Why Did You Choose This URL?

I’ve actually answered this before, I’ll see if I can find that ask. Basically I don’t really know why I think I saw a picture of the soft soap aquarium brand soap that’s the clear mild scented hand soap in the bottle with the fish printed on the inside so it looks like their swimming in the soap and I said. That’s it. That’s my brand now.

18. How Many Blogs Are You Following

2447

19. How Many Followers Do You Have?

935

20. Average Amount of Sleep?

Probably 5/6 not really by choice I just can’t go to sleep earlier than 1am for whatever reason and I have to be at work usually between 8 and 9 in the morning so. I’m tired.

21. Lucky Number?

I don’t really think I have one, but I enjoy the number 11. I think that’s just a nice number.

22. Do You Play Any Instruments?

I play guitar, and I’m learning how to play bass as well but I haven’t had the energy for either recently :/ work is stressful lol

23. What Are You Wearing?

Jeans from madewell, a black long sleeve shirt from h&m and my buggirl200 “Taylor Swift is having a baby and I am the father” shirt over it. Also wearing my snoopy robe I got for Christmas because it’s cold in here.

24. Dream Job?

Honestly anything’s not my current job would be great lol. But I would love to be a songwriter one day! I wish I had a more realistic dream but I don’t think I’d be very good at any kind of normal well paying job (not that I’m a very good songwriter either lol)

25. Dream Trip?

I would love to go back to Norway, we went there when my brother and I graduated high school and got to see where my grandmother grew up, it was really cool! I’d also love to go to Japan :)

26. Favorite Food?

Can iced coffee be considered a food group? Also the utz sourdough special dark pretzels are AMAZING they’re my favorite snack food

27. Nationality?

I’m American of Norwegian descent (almost all of my mom’s side of the family is Norwegian)

28. Favorite Song?

Currently I’ve been really digging Aries by Gorillaz feat. Peter Hook and Georgia. Lianne La Havas’ cover of Weird Fishes by Radiohead is also phenomenal (her album was pretty great too!)

29. Last Book Read?

I actually just today finally got fed up and drove somewhere quiet and sat in my car for over an hour so I could finish reading When Brooklyn Was Queer by Hugh Ryan (I started it at the beginning of June with the intent of finishing it before pride month ended oops). I really enjoyed it, it was super interesting and I learned a lot about an often overlooked part of queer history, I definitely recommend it if you think it’s up your alley!

30. Three Fictional Universes You’d Like To Live In?

I wanna live in Howl’s Moving Castle movieland (sorry book fans I read the book when I was 12 and I did enjoy It and I want to read it again and ik the movie isn’t a great adaptation but the book just Did Not have the same impact on my young child mind as the movie did) where if I get tired and fed up with my life (and maybe cursed by a witch to be an old woman) I can just leave and go join up with a temperamental wizard who lives in a giant magical trash can. I would love that.

Tagging: @mielnette @youngcomputer @thefuckingstory @dontblamethewitches and anyone else who wants to do it :)