#they literally threatened us that we wont get paid if we dont

[twirlymarimo]

i just signed my new employment contract

[star-burst365]

We’re all sleeping on the gem that is Matthias Helvar: an essay

Crooked Kingdom spoilers!!

We’re all in denial about Matthias’s death in ck but also he had some bangers lines and scenes even before chapter 40 such as:

finding out his full name was Matthias Benedik Helvar omg why are we sleeping on this

“how about i bite your lip”

“don’t eat the snow” i dont think they were planning to 💀

YOU ARE EVERY BLOSSOM BLOOMING AT ONCE?? HELLO??

his constant feud with kaz

kaz could breathe and matthias would already be fetching the holy water

any demjin moment ever

“you’re all horrible”

to

“they all seem like practical choices 😀”

the grandpa energy

nothing but respect and admiration for inej “the little bronze girl” ghafa

MY GHOST WONT ASSOCIATE WITH YOUR GHOST

the big brooding yellow tulip

nina handed him a gun during the ambush of soc and he fr would’ve killed her if they weren’t being shot at

“I can drink your poison no longer” was so powerful. he went from extreme prejudices against grisha after being raised and literally brainwashed by hatred to bashing his ex-commander in the head to free Nina omg

friendly reminder his entire family was killed by inferni but he still moves past it

something nobody talks about: he combined his hateful past of serving as a drukelle, something made to hunt grisha to lead two of them (Jesper and Kuwei) out of a corner and get them back to the rest of the crows in ck.

he used military tactics made to kill grisha to save grisha

this was so important for his development i swear

and don’t forget Nina either

“little red bird” please im not okay

MY LOVE AS A PET NAME THATS SO PURE MY GOD

him and nina squeezing in the littlest places just to cuddle together and rest together is so dvfnjkvsfnks

him just wanting to be there for Nina for every step of the way as she recovers from parem

his wet dreams consist of three things:

her “glorious thighs”

a traditional fjerdan life and the domestic lifestyle Fr

literally just vibing in a field of flowers

he saw a nameless husband help a nameless wife with her hair in ketterdam and wished that could be him and nina that’s too sweet help

all he wants is a domestic little life filled with love

but then there’s “he considered brushing it off with his lips, then told himself he should take a walk”

he just told himself to touch grass my god

but also the enemies to lovers lingers, my one of my favorite quotes being:

”you’d flirt with a date palm if it paid you any attention” the shade

also his family? the way he still has memories? so much so he foot massages a pregnant woman?

friendly reminder this man is built like a giant and looks the most threatening out of the group

and he fr lets a girl sing her heart out AND OFFERS TO TAKE HER ON A WALK BY THE LAKE HES SO PRECIOUS

”sing. by all means, sing” famous last words

him complimenting nina on her hair and how she styles it??

the toffee on the boat in soc

constantly regretting his life decisions in soc but willing to die for the crows in ck

the found family trope is killing me

“trickery isn’t my native tongue but I can still learn to speak it” the demjin and crows influence

his lil commander voice to silence the prisoners when they were getting in the truck made inej, someone with the posture of a knifes edge, stand straighter like wtf

HE HAD A WOLF WHY ARE WE SLEEPING ON THIS

HE IS 100% A DOG PERSON

HE AND KAZ WOULDVE PETTED THOSE DOGS FOR HOURS ON THAT ONE CK MISSION

he went from saying meaningful and encouraging things to nina and then when she said she wanted to cry in a corner he switched in 0.2 seconds and said “but…this room is round” oh my god

made out with nina in front of two thirds of the grisha triumvirate

HE PERKS UP WHEN NINA LAUGHS THATS SO ADORABLE

nina and him being twin soldiers sdnnnojnididoskc

him and Jesper’s scenes are honestly amazing, we were robbed

THE DELETED HELNIK SCENE I WANT TO DIE I WISH LEIGH KEPT THAT

he’s literally kaz’s bodyguard when trading for inej

learned a language while in prison I mean that’s pretty impressive

eats honor for breakfast lunch and dinner

”i. Should. Let. You. Die.” He says while trying to desperately save kaz

ran to nina with a bullet in his stomach for one last kiss, for one final goodbye

”save some mercy for my people” that hurts oh my god

the grisha are the favored and children of Djel was so important because that’s him connecting both his past and his much better present together in an actuslly good way

he doesn’t associate his religion with witches and tree handshakes anymore, now he considers those witches blessed by his tree god

in conclusion: I sobbed for weeks over his death and will never recover. thank you for coming to my Ted talk

[heyitsyn]

Nekoma!Manager!Male!Reader

a/n: never written male reader before but this was a funny request and i really do see the irony in this

anon request:  

absolutely LOVED your seijoh hcs! you said you wanted to do the other schools so i thought, how about nekoma but with a MALE manager bc it would be so ironic to have a male god as their manager rather than a goddess that they always talked about!! thank youuuuuuu!!!!!!!

yall the nekoma fanchant is literally stuck in my head

hehe uwu lets step on the pedal

ong jesus take the wheel pls

so basically,,,

being the nekoma manager is a MESS

lets say youre a second year and was only the manager bc you were begged into taking the job

like wouldnt leave you alone and pestered you 25/8, screaming about needing their own god manager

also just because, you are fairly popular and you have your own fanclub of girls in nekoma and they thought it would give them more exposure and more chances w girls :’)

tora was actually the first who came up to you and begged you to be their manager during class one day bc they are in need of one but they arent allowed to have a girl manager so he turned to having a handsome male

‘I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY IT HAS TO BE A BOY’

‘so you wont be all over him abd be distracted w showing off’

‘WHO ARE YOU TO QUESTION MY SE-’

‘tora, please’

initially, you refused bc you just couldnt be bothered to be part of a club where you basically babysit a bunch of overgrown children

but kenma, your childhood friend, was the team’s last attempt to get you in since kuroo mentioned that he was the only one you listened to

‘kenma, babie, i love you, but i am your friend, not your nanny. so unless i am paid, i will not waste my time taking care of of all of you. especially that chicken head’

‘y/n, yaku is on his last leg here. we really need a manager and we need it fast’

‘you went for years without one so why do you need it?’

‘we’re scared that nekomata would just drop dead any minute now’

‘yanno? im surprised hes even still alive with yall’

‘....... ill show your fangirls that picture of you when we were 5 when-’

‘okay, kenma. rude about the blackmail but okay. dont expect me to be the maid or anything’

nope, you were actually the maid

and the cook

and the nanny

and the laundry person

the everything

it baffles you that kuroo is about to graduate next year yet he still doesnt know the difference between fabric softener and detergent

the amount of times you sent him to pick up more and only to send him back when he ended up buying 2 softeners or 2 detergents

‘they all look the same!’

‘kuroo tetsuro cAN yOu NoT rEAd?!’

ngl i still mix them up sometimes

during matches, youre basically their mother, their nanny, and nekomata’s notetaker, and their personal cheerleader

naoi, the other coach guy, and coach nekomata has adopted you as a son bc of how hard you work and the less the burden is on them

like your notes about their playing percentages really works and helps them and added with the chores you do for the team?

godsend

also, lets put your popularity in here

you dress with a white shirt and zip up your red nekoma jacket with your red sweatpants so you look like one of the players, right?

but how come every time they have practice, youre the only one with the fangirls in the bleachers?

youre literally wearing the same thing as them yet youre the only one who gets looked at?!

even kuroo, who was quite good looking, doesnt have that many girls pining after him yet you, resident anti-tryhard, seems to get the female population to fall for you just by doing the simplest things like breathing

youd be doing normal things like using your whistle as you hold a clipboard and girls would be screeching at you 

‘omg m/n is so hot!’

‘hes just !!!! uuggghhhh’

‘siri how to be a whistle?’

i am uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the gym today

tora complains about it all the time bc first, they cant have a beautiful manager, two, they have a pretty boy who’s taking the attention away

‘SO NOT FAIR! M/N, TURN UGLY!’

you bonk him on the head in anger and threaten to quit all the time

‘say that again and you’ll be filling your own water bottles tomorrow’

but in truth though, the guys really do appreciate you and everything you do

they know that you balance them with your personal life and classes and still make time to do their laundry and make them food

so they have started easing off the burden and weight off of your shoulders

at first, you were very suspicious when they told you that they already filled their water bottles

‘huh? i didnt think you even knew where the water fountain was’

‘wym weve been doing this for years’

-kuroo

then, you heard kuroo tell the others to put their sweaty jerseys in the basket in the corner of the room and for the last person to carry it to the laundromat

‘um, sir, we dont want to have another pink jersey disaster again’

you stopped inuoka from lugging the basket but he shook his head and gave you a wide grin

‘nope, m/n-senpai! i’ll carry it for you! i’m strong, see?’

he flexed his right arm muscle while holding the basket with one hand but it was too heavy so it fell to the ground, spilling out all the practice jerseys

you sighed before bending down to pick them up and babie inuoka’s eyes watered, thinking you were mad at him

‘gomen, senpai’

he whispered but you looked up at him from your position

his watery eyes made you frantically stand up and wipe his tears with the pads of your thumbs

‘inu-kun, why are you crying? you said you were strong right? dont cry over silly things, okay?’

he nodded and you were still confused as to why he was so emotional but you patted his fluffy hair 

‘now cmon, lets go take these to the shop’

unbeknownst to you, the team was actually seething from behind the wall

naturally, as a,,, manager,, you became their,,, energy?? 

like the slightest affections from you made their health bar increase tenfold and they didnt necessarily have any intentions towards you

you were like,,, their own,,,, happy drug?? like a human seratonin??

just the fact that they had someone like you to fall back on and give them love when they lost or something

it was comforting

usually it was just the team’s responsibility to throw away their own sadness and comfort each other

but with you,,,

they could easily cry with no fear and you would comfort them until they didnt need to be comforted anymore

eventually, they ended up straight out competing against each other on who would get the most affection

clearly, inuoka used his first year card and everyone knew you were soft for your kouhais

like you would just grab them and hug them because of how cute they were

uwu especially lev?! 

he may be a giant but hes just a really REALLY REALLY BIG CAT

;)

LEV LIVES TO HUG YOU

like the mans is beanstalk level of height and despite the age difference, he just picks you up and cuddles you and youre just like ‘okay, let it out babie’

DKSFJSLD ANYWAYS

you are always a hot topic w all the students in nekoma and even some in other schools

like during training camp, bro you making everyone question their sexuality

omg akaashi and you are probably the prettiest people there and can i just say how everyone cant focus on a practice match bc youd be laughing together or something and they havent heard anything so beautiful??

and the kitties get really defensive over you and hiss at anyone who even tries to approach you

hiss hiss

DKJFSLKDFJDWHAT IF EVERYONE IN THE TEAM IS BI

OMG WHAT

like the little touches from you make them so red and confident gays like kuroo and bokuto call you out on them and tease you 

while the quiet ones like akaashi and kenma are just blushing and stutter and you tease them instead?

*inhale* BOI *exhale*

the uke and seme dynamic is real on this one

however, there are times when the turned tables

there was that one day that you were seriously questioning if bokuto wore leggings or just really high knee pads and you cornered him after baths to just figure it out

like our poor confident boi turned to a shy babie and shrunk against the wall, covering his red face

‘y-y/n-kun’

‘bo-san, i just want to know’

DKFSJLKDFJFJSDKIM DYING OVER HERE LIKE PLEASE I DONT OWN Y/N

after seeing the smidge of skin at the top of the kneepad, you nodded and brushed your fingertips over the flesh

‘hmm~ so i was right~’

FROM THEN ON POOR BABIE OWL COULDNT LOOK AT YOU THE SAME!!!!!!

it worried everyone so much when bokuto would glance at you in the sidelines and he would competely miss akaashi’s set bc his eyes would focus on you rather than the ball

like he absolutely couldnt take his eyes off of you and when you do turn to meet his eyes, he shrinks back and looks away, completely missing your amused smirk

now, your kitties werent happy about that

theyre very protective of you and they felt that this owl could snatch you right up and fly away

and kuroo, being the captain and the head of the familia, took it upon himself and dragged you to the back of the gym while the others were practicing

kurat pushed you against the wall and basically kabedonned you

KUROO IS LIKE 6′2 OR 190 CM I CANT

‘you seem close with bokuto, l/n. almost, too,, close’

an amused smirk etched itself on your lips and you pressed a hand on his chest

‘oya~? captain-san, am i being punished?’

SFDKLFSJKLDFJL SIR Y/N IS SUPPOSED TO RADIATE SEME ENERGY BUT HE ISNT AND I CANNOT-

ofc he was taken aback by your flirty attitude but he smirked and softly brushed away your bangs that slightly covered your eyes

‘hmm~~ depends, y/n-kun. are you going to be a good kitty and stay with the clowder? or are you going to stay with those pesky chickens~?’

DKFLSJDKFJSL BRO DID YOU KNOW A GROUP OF CATS IS CALLED A CLOWDER?! I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT BUT I HAVE A FEELING KUROO WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT BC HE BIG BRAIN

you chuckled and gently wrapped your arms around his shoulders

but your hand grabbed the hair at the back of his head and harshly pulled him to be closer to you

your eyes blinked innocently but your sharp teeth were shown from your malicious grin

‘ive always been a bad kitty, captain. so i dont care what you say because you cant tell me what to do~’

👀👀👀👀

imagine what happens next bc i cant write something unholy

anyways

so you learned that tetsu CAN in fact tell you what to do and you avoided everyone else which caused them to wonder but one look at your neck

well,,,,,

you got attacked by a cat 

a cat named tetsu

SKDFLJSDKFJSLKUROO IS THE ONLY SEME YOU CLASH WITH

THE OTHERS ARE ALL UKE

EVEN BEEFY BUFF CAKE BOI BO

but you toned it down to not be attacked again

ngl the whole team was all jealous and they even whined to kuroo about it

‘thats not fair!!!!’

‘stop abusing your role as captain!!!!’

they hated the fact that kuroo got you first so they all rally over to keep you away from him

like baby kenma would nudge you over and bring him to sit next to you, saying he needs you to help him with a certain level

‘kenny, im not sure how to play this game’

‘hmm,,,, youre a quick learner, y/n, and youre really quick with your fingers so you could pass to the next level’

*insert lenny face*

‘oya? and you would know how, kenny?’

and baby kenny would fluster a little before glomping to your side and burying his face into your shoulder to hide away

OR

the first years would absolutely use their kouhai priviledges and bring you over to help them with ‘homework’

‘you guys realize i passed because kuroo would beat me into studying right?’

‘but senpai! you mustve learned a thing or two in your classes!’

‘bold of you to assume i was even awake in my classes’

but they still make you spend hours trying to help them which turn into just messing around 

KSDLFJSDKFJD MOVIE NIGHTS YOU GUYS THATS IT!!

there isnt really a single calm moment in your guys’ practice

poor you have already started seeing lot of gray hairs

you literally decline every single confession just because youre too busy for a date and you cant handle having to take care of another person

its like youre dating the whole team!!

soon the entire school have just accepted the fact that you are just simply not in the market anymore just because you joined the club

not because youre actually taken by a girlfriend but youre taken by a bunch of teenage males

imagine how that works out

anyways

youre not really the best volleyball player out there but you know a thing or two

well,,, its more like your stamina doesnt allow you to play long bc a single lap literally destroys your lungs

but you still know when yaku complains about having a shaky receive

‘oh, momo-senpai, youre bending your knees too low so gravity is pushing down on your-’

ugh chemistry i hate it

despite your lack of athletic or physical skills, they still appreciate you for your keen eyes, your caring nature, and your overall looks that give them motivation to play harder to impress you personality :)

all the boys love you

and tbh

you love your boys too

even though it was a blackmail caused event,

you still would’ve joined otherwise

this is kinda short but its going to be longer if i find some plots or somebody asks for a plotline that i can write about for a long time

anyways

byeeeee :)))))

a/n: this isnt exactly the best manager one ive written but ill probably find a good prompt for this or again as stated ^^ someone sends in an ask for it and ill write a story for our favorite male manager :’D

[iantojack]

What’s the problem with Robron? Just started watching the show so doesn’t really know their history. Why are they bad (aside from being kinda boring)?

oh  BOY ,,

short story

robert has abused aaron extensively throughout their relationship

the Really long story

roberts a general piece of absolute shit. has been since he was a teenager. the homphobia is Rife, he outed lawrence (a gay man traumatised by conversion therapy) in front of his whole family, called him homophobic slurs. paid someone to pretend to be a victim of homophobic violence and assault to try and con more money out of lawrence. this list could go on forever so i wont start

they started as an affair. robert was married to a woman, chrissie, and no one knew he was bi. aaron was a single gay guy. 

robert treated aaron like shit from the start but the main first bad thing he did was push katie through the floor to her death. she had found out abt the affair and aaron was sick of hiding and told her to come at that time and then she had a pic and was gonna tell chrissie so he was arguing w her and pushing her about and the floor gave way and she lit snapped her neck. he called aaron, lied to him about what happened exactly and got him to cover it up with him even though aaron wasnt there. he told him it was his fault katie died bc he called her there and that if they told the truth he’d go down for it, that it was because he was selfish and jealous. aaron literally APOLOGISED at this point and robert was like “if ur sorry u will help me :)”

Also relevant if u just started watching aaron has lots of mental health issues, self harmed on and off since like.. 2011? he is a survivor of childhood abuse and has lots of self esteem/trust/abandonment issues

the guilt from katies death caused a several month long deterioration in his mental health, he relapsed and self harmed. he contemplated suicide. in the end he was literally hospitalised bc of self harm. robert let all that happen and cared more abt him staying quiet than anything else

just b4 that happened robert picked up a rock when alone in the forest w chas and debated smashing her round the head with it

and then after aaron ended up in hospital she said she were gonna tell chrissie so robert HIRED A HITMAN to KILL HER. he ended up running down the street w a bag of cash trying to find the dude to pay him off and tell him not to bc chas took it back 

paddy had also found out about the affair and was threatening to tell chrissie abt it so robert tried to kill him lol casual. he fell in a grain pit and robert turned it on and tried to drown him in grain. someone saves him and robert goes to the hospital and threatens to kill LEO, tiny child leo. 

aaron found out that robert had tried to kill paddy and they go to this lodge and aaron tries to record him confessing to killing katie and shit. robert finds the hidden phone and they fight and robert ends up knocking aaron out by smashing a bottle over his head. he then ties him up to a radiator and leaves him there for overnight. he ends up coming back with a gun and holds aaron at gunpoint. paddy bursts in last second and robert turns around and ends up shooting paddy. they promise not to say anything and robert lets them go

but straight away aaron just goes and tells roberts wife scream legendary and boom roberts marriage is over :)

hes mocked aarons self harm on Many occasions. he called him a “girl” for cutting himself, he called him a failure for not dying when he attempted suicide, called him weak. called him a murderer for helping his paralysed boyfriend to die, said he got a “perverted kick” out of cutting himself. all real fucking bad stuff.

ross shoots robert and aaron literally goes into hospital when roberts in a coma and told him to hurry up and die. was very iconic 

robert and aaron end up getting back together when aarons dad who abused him comes to the village and aaron ends up self harming again and robert was the one who found him and took him to hospital so robert ends up being the person he tells about the abuse.

during this sl about the abuse -> robert talks to gordon when aaron told him not to, believes gordons lies and suggests to aaron he might be making up the memories, paid a false witness to say gordon abused him too

when gordon is in jail he writes a letter to aaron. robert got this letter before aaron and burns it and doesnt tell aaron abt it until he finds out from someone else and by that point gordon has killed himself

aaron inherited money from gordon and didnt want it but robert pressured him into using it to buy the mill

uhh they got engaged?? and around then is when robert starts with his cheating lol!! chrissies sister rebecca moves to the village and robert had history w her and had cheated on chrissie in the past with bex. 

he kisses her like twice?? aaron is suspicious but robert makes out like hes crazy, he calls him a “jealous queen”, “this is never gonna work if u dont trust me” etc etc robert actually ends up taking off his engagement ring like “well if its not this, it’ll be something else bc u screw everything up because u dont want to be happy”

aaron has another sl where he ends up beating up finns ex-boyfriend kasim and goes to prison, robron get married just before he goes

like 3 weeks after aaron goes to prison, robert sleeps with rebecca. also has a good chunk of a scene before he sleeps with her where he just slags aaron off. 

rebecca gets pregnant, classic. robert threatens her into getting an abortion. she refuses and he threatens her even more. we find out he did the exact same thing to her before when he was with chrissie. and i mean he literally tries to sleep with her again to stop her telling aaron

he has to tell aaron in the end but they dont break up. but it ruins aaron mentally and he starts cutting himself again. eventually he breaks up with robert bc of his mental health and says his marriage is making him miserable etc etc. robert comes out with some nasty manipulative bullshit, literally held glass and was telling aaron to cut him rather than himself [x] (ran out of allowed embedded videos rip)

robert spends his time drugging lawrence now! :-) he is lacing his brandy with sleeping pills for revenge and getting him to sign over the business and shit like that. he also undresses him and puts him in bed and convinces him they slept together which Yikes. actually not even SLeeps together he literally tries to convince him that lawrence raped him. aaron finds the sleeping pills at work and robert lies to him and says hes having trouble sleeping and all this shit bc they broke up, guilting him Again. liv ends up drinking the spiked brandy and ends up in hospital aaron is NOT happy [x]

aaron gets a new boyfriend. robert is GROSS. they have a date in the woolpack and robert literally pulls a chair up to the table and sits there. he keeps calling aaron his husband. its bad. [x] and generally pushes himself into their relationship on multiple occasions 

like 6 months after aaron broke up with robert they have these scenes where aaron speaks to him about how he doesnt want to get back with him and how hes happy moving on. and robert came out w this absolute bullshit about “letting him go” like he was in control of their relationship and he had the final say over whether they broke up or not was Fucked [x]

after a few months aaron breaks up with his boyfriend and gets back with robert and since then its just been what ur seeing right now to be honest

[tartsheep]

I dont really like doing this sort of thing...but I really dont know what else to do.

I need help getting away from my controlling, manipulative partner. I've been trying to find a job since we moved, but this town is really small and no one has wanted to give me an interview. I've been applying for online jobs too like customer service work at home and also nothing. I try calling them but either I get voicemail and they dont call me back or they just say No. I'm still trying to get a job but things are getting dire. Like I said I dont know what else to do. I dont have any friends or family here, but I can't stay here anymore. I dunno where to start on this...I've been with my partner years and the whole time he's been abusive. Though he stopped physically attacking me just over a year ago, he still threatens me and emotionally/psychologically torments me. I've tried leaving so many times but it's always failed one way or another. He wont leave even though I tell him to. And now recently he managed to steal ownership of our vehicle and home. I paid for them, but because he doesn't let me do shit alone he signed the paperwork and now they're in his name. So I have nothing now.

It's not just me though, if it were I would just walk away and be homeless, that would be better than this. We have a kid together (but due to the laws where she was born, I have full custody of her by default.) I can't just walk out into the streets with her obviously. My partner has never hurt her or treated her like he does me, but she is obviously affected by his behavior towards me and him just being a jackass. And while I know not everyone thinks this is important, we do have a dog and a cat that I would Like to take with me because he abuses animals when left unchecked (but with me around I divert his attention away from them cause they're just animals, like...leave them alone.) So going to a shelter isnt very easy with a dog and cat in tow.

Anyway...again I dont know what else to do. I've been trying to get a job to no avail. On top of this I have chronic pain, which sometimes leaves me bedridden for days at a time. And of course my partner doesn't help with this, he just belittles me for being lazy and degrades me...and I get no help for it. My doctors don't even believe I have chronic pain so I'm not even getting treated for it.. I'm at the end of my rope. I've tried kicking him out, I've tried leaving, I've tried calling police; none of it has worked, no one has helped. And now I'm so sick of it all and feel so trapped, I'd rather kill myself than be stuck with him for the rest of my life...

So I dont know...I guess I'm gonna have to try to keep going. Just keep calling for jobs..I'm trying to get into online school with student loans and save whatevers left of my loans to get us out of here. But, if you can, it would help speed things along if you could maybe donate like a dollar or a quarter or literally anything, or even just reblog this so it gets around to more people. Please, I can really use any help at all. I'm already trying to sell what few possessions I have left to help me along. Like I said even just a couple cents helps. Or I have some art stuff on redbubble, if you wanted to buy that, that would help and then you get something, you know...There's not much a selection, I havent been able to work on anything lately because of the state of my home life...but maybe look, or like I said just spread this around.

I'm sorry to ask for help like this but....I'm lost. I've tried so many different things, I had come up with so many plans of escqpe, all of it to go to shit. I've become horrendously depressed, to the point of suicidal thoughts (which hasnt happened in like 3 years) and am having mental breakdowns. I just need a little help, some encouragement, something...

Like I said, anything helps. Here is my PayPal if you want to/can donate:

Donate via PayPal

Or my redbubble if you want to check that out instead:

RedBubble

Or just reblog if you can.

Thank you for reading this and helping.

[2centsnobodyasked4]

My 2 cents on James Charles Drama

I feel like this post is gonna get me sooo canceled! lol but you know what, its ok...i only have like literally only 8 followers lmao.

Anyway, when i say anything online....or when i generate an opinion I feel like I’m objective 90% of the time. Obviously everyone is at least a bit bias when it comes to any subject. Well, here are my semi-objective 2 cents that no one fucking asked for ;)

First off, I’ll put my PRE-dramageddon (as coined by Hereforthetea2) opinions of the main people involved:

James Charles-I followed him on youtube, but I felt like he was super annoying and full of himself. I didn’t see him as a bad person though, just someone who I would never want to be friends with. I wanted to buy his palette but never did because I dont think i’d ever wear those shades. I didn’t LIKE him persay but I didn’t hate him either. His videos were actually entertaining at times so thats why I subscribed to him.

Tati- I had recently started watching her perhaps at the end of last year. I didn’t have that strong of opinion of her, but i felt like I could trust her. She seems like she’s honest in everything she says and I’ve seen many youtubers praise her which is why i followed her on youtube. 

Gabriel Zamora- I didn’t know much of him until he did that collaboration with his 3 best friends, the videos where it featured manny, laura, and nikita....and he mentioned he was Mexican and I was like HEY, I’M mexican, so i started following him. He seemed unproblematic, and after His own scandal he seemed to be the only one who actually prospered from it. So i thought he was okay.

Jeffree Star- I feel towards him similar to how i feel about James. Like I LOVE watching his videos, he’s super funny and entertaining, BUT i dont think he’s a good friend. I feel like he’s a manipulator and also acts so entitled. I also don’t think he’s a bad person, he just has a negative attitude. And i wont really go into detail on the whole racism thing, because its not my place to talk about it. I was gonna say i’m not a person of color, but i am, i’m mexican, however the remarks were derogatory towards African-Americans so yeah, i have no say in that matter. To sum up, I love watching him and i love his makeup, but i dont trust him.

Now on to Dramageddon II!

I have so many thoughts on this, but at the moment i’m super hungry so i’m probably going to make this shorter than I expected lol

To start off, based on all the evidence that has presented itself, I believe that James Charles indeed made a deal with Sugarbear and then fabricated the story of Coachella so that Tati wouldn’t be mad. His crime there was being Money Hungry like always--choosing money over friendship. 

Now Tati’s video. It was a great watch. She spilled so much tea that I could not even. I understand why she’s upset. She expected certain loyalty from someone that was so close to her and she felt used. I totally understand why she would want to cut all ties with him. Although I do feel like there might be something deeper there, but obviously we might never know. 

Her allegations though about labeling him as a ‘predator’ was a bit harsh though. Unless there’s things she has not shared...based on the presented evidence, I don’t see how that makes James a monster. 

I guess here I’ll tie in my issue with Gabriel. He went on a rant on Snapchat and in SOME details i agree with. I don’t agree with him saying that Tati is exaggerating but I do agree with how they are painting James as this horrible person that takes advantage of people. 

I’ve seen the videos that Gage and the waiter boy posted and one, the gage guy seems like he’s literally doing it for clout. Based on his video he does not seem like a good person at all, and i totally believed that he used James for free stuff. And the other boy--- his video was more genuine, he sounded sincere but I dont see how that makes James a bad person. This boy slid into James’ DMs first and he admitted to being bi-curious. Where did James go wrong in doing stuff with him? There’s no evidence or allegations of James FORCING himself on to him. So what exactly was the bad thing he did? Like did he threaten his family? Did he blackmail him? Like what was that super bad thing he did? I’m not excusing James, I just dont want to condemn him if there’s not evidence that he did something illegal or fucked up. But i guess we all have our opinions on that matter. Oh! and then the face time thing, aside from it being illegal, the boy in the video was getting upset over facetime about James ‘talking to another guy (gage)’ and james responded with ‘yeah why do you care’....SO TRUE....if this boy was saying he was actually straight and only wanted a friendship with James, WHY bring that up? Does James have to let his friends know what other friends he has? If it was nothing intimate then what was that about? Thats the thing that makes no sense on this boy’s part. But anyway.........

Oh and then Jeffree inserts himself like always lol He loves that drama! I feel like his tweet was just to spark up speculation. We all know thats how the internet works. You throw out some vague tweets and suddenly everyone is theorizing left and right. If anything what i think happened is perhaps James was hitting on Nathan’s brother. But again, if it was something deeper then LETS HEAR IT!! 

Okay okay, i know this rant is pointing towards me being pro James Charles, but in reality....its none of my business....its just super entertaining when I’m not studying lol

To be honest, I’m with you all there sitting with popcorn watching James’ sub count drop on social blade lol Why? Because, I think he did deserve a slice of humble pie. He literally acts like he’s entitled and like he’s this big celebrity. I hope that this experience shows him that he’s not untouchable and that his subscribers are responsible for his wealth. Which brings me to another point, you guys realize that he’s still getting PAID so much money right? Even with the unsubs, people are watching his videos like crazy and making him that coin. 

Even though I’m loving the tea and loving watching him being dethroned, I’m also concerned for his mental health. I know I’m being a hypocrite talking shit, but I doubt he’ll ever see this. I hate it when people throw hate directly at the person. Guys, we don’t KNOW these people. Why do WE feel entitled to direct tweet them or DM them hate when the situation is none of our fucking business? Why DM hate to any of the people involved in this drama??? We might all have strong opinions, and sure we can express them on the internet, but lets not be horrible human beings and direct them to the actual people who we’ve never met. 

And thats it. 

[tumblunni]

Okay the BIG TODAY THING

It seems i might possibly be gone for six months

I've been talking with my support worker about taking a course at this place thats uhh apparantly gonna help me get better with the depressions and stuff. And we had a meeting to go look around the place and make introductions and stuff but i had NO IDEA it would be all such short notice! I might have to move in IN TWO DAYS FROM NOW, what the fuck!!! And like if its not that its gonna be at the end of the week or next tuesday at the latest. Im so fuckin unprepared and im really freakin out!!

..uhh...how to describe it..well i guess its literally a mental asylum? But it's absolutely NOTHING like the horror movie stereotype! Its not a hospital with cages or locked rooms, its just like a big comfy cute shared house. Like a bunch of completely normal small apartment rooms but they just happen to be all connected to a shared kitchen and stuff and have on site nurses and a big schedule of therapy sessions and group activities like pottery class or bowling. You have the freedom to come and go as you please if you're on "voluntarily admitted" status (that's me!) and even if you're on what they call "sectioned" its still not scary loss of all your freedom. The highest level of sectioning is just like "requires an escort"? You're still allowed to go outside but you have a higher level of supervision from your key worker because you could potentially be a danger to yourself. But that's very rare and most people are only on maximum sectioning for a few weeks at the start of their treatment, if they've come straight from a situation of self harm or other concern factors. Most of the "sectioned" patients just have a time limit on how long they can spend on unsupervised outside activity. It's a pretty generous 8 hours apparantly!

So yeah i was getting worried about nothing, thinking i was gonna be in big scary solitary confinement and locked inside a tiny broom closet or jabbed with brain lazers. It honestly just seems like a summer camp resort for adults! And everyone there seems very nice, and im excited for being able to learn life skills like cooking and potential steps towards getting educational qualifications someday. And to have the help of a more specialist support worker who can assist me with even the smallest little problems. Like this nice lady Tazmin (who might be the one i get?) was saying how they've had other people with social anxiety before, and how we could plan "gradual exposure" to all the things that scare me. Like she said she'd be able to come with me and we'd take the bus and them get off at the next stop. That'd honestly be really helpful to help me get over being scared of the crowded spaces on buses, but i'd never be able to do it normally cos i'd be too embarassed taking such a short bus ride. Plus well itd be a waste of money,but if i'm a patient here i would get a free bus pass so it wouldnt be a problem.

Oh and the area seems really nice! Its so different from my stupid house right now in a crowded neighbourhood with NOTHING but houses everywhere for a mile! Its seriously almost a mile's walk to the ONE SINGULAR SHOP IN THE AREA and they close on sundays and dont sell vegetarian food. :( This area around the shared house thingie is a really nice bustling shops place but not super shops? Like i mean its a lovely village that has all the small shops you need, not a huge skyscrapers busy tourist place. The perfect balance of conveinient and not scary! They have a library and a park so close to the place, and a bazillion charity shops holy FUCK im so excited to have charity shops again!! I think you call them thrift shops in america? But i just always really love bargain hunting and finding nice surprises in places like that! And there's places to do pottery classes and group trips sometimes to do stuff like cinema or bowling or just having your big ol scary therapy meeting at the nice coffee shop at the end ot the road.

So yeah dont worry about me guys, im not trapped in some horribke hell place! I'm sure it'll be as non threatening as an Intensive Therapy Boot Camp can possibly be, im just still nervous as hell cos well yeah I Have Social Anxiety And That Is Why I Am Here In The First Place. Im scared im not gonna be able to succeed at this. I really wanna leave at the end and be all mentally buffed up and ready to make all these nice nurses proud!

Oh and man Richard has been so nice about this?? He was super freaked out and apologetic about it being Scary Short Notice, we had a bit of a dumb misunderstanding where he clearly told me and i clearly said yes but i somehow completely misunderstood what he was saying and thought i was saying yes to something else??? So im so fuckin glad that at the very end of the appointment right when i was gonna get out the car he was like 'oh so remember your suitcase on wednesday' and i was like WHAT. Like man can you imagine how much more terrifying it would have been if i just turned up on wednesday with no supplies but the shirt off my back and was like 'wtf where is he driving me OH GOD NO'. Bunni why you so bad at the good of talking!! Seriously richard thanks so much for clearing it up but also AAAAA i accidentally agreed to the shortest of short notice and i dont know if he's gonna be able to reschedule it!!!

And man i was there crying in his car about how i dont wanna be in hospital on my birthday, and babbling all the different things i had planned fot the next few months. And GOD DAMN MY DUMB BRAIN i ended up blurting out that i had a preorder of a videogame that i was gonna miss. And i straight up started explaining pokemon to my mental health counseller who is also a dj, how damn fake does my life sound?? Anyway he said that i'll still be able to keep him as my support worker when i get back out of this, and we'll still have weekly or monthly meetings while i'm in there. And he keeps reminding me that i'm free to leave if i feel uncomfortable, but i know that i'd feel like a failure if i did! So he legit fuckin goddamn said (THIS SOUNDS SO FAKE) that i could take a day off when the dumb game comes out, and he'd play co op pokemon with me. HOLY GEEZUS RICHARD YOU'RE LIKE THAT HOLY GRAIL OF THERAPISTS! And man he even said it wasnt embarassing for me to sleep with a teddy bear and he'd help me pack it up safe and ensure nobody saw it while we move my bags into my new room. And then i was like "uhh but also the teddy bear is a giant lifesize embarassing pokemon merchandise" and he was like "okay so we need DOUBLE STEALTH". Apparantly the new sequel to Pokemon Go is Pokemon Sneak! God he helped calm me down from this freakout so much, he's always great with lil jokes and motivational sayings. And i talked about how i first started being interested in Obscure Deep Sea Slug Facts because pokemon has some characters based on weird real life animals, and like its Very Educational Honest, And Has Appeal For Both Kids And Adults. How on earth did this turn into Motovational Pokemon Blabber Time??? Anyway thats how i ended up texting a professional psychologist pictures of gastrodon at 7.30pm.

SO

Yeah

In summary

I'm mostly just worried cos this is short notice! And cos its such a big commitment that being short notice is Super Bad. I need to friggin clean the whole house top to bottom in two days, so it doesnt get all gross and attract flies while im gone. And i need to toss out like a hundred bucks worth of frozen food that aint gonna keep for 6 months. And i need to wash all my damn clothes. And i dont even have a suitcase and this is at a terrible time where i dont get paid for a week so i cant buy a new one right now!! And damn i DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TAKE AAAAAA

And the BIGGEST PROBLEM

Is that i wont be able to talk to you guys for half a year!!!

They dont have wifi and im not allowed to take my computer anyway. They only allow laptops and all i have is a desktop and AAAA its too short notice to save up enough to get a laptop mannnnn! Fuck man i didnt even think about that, i need to go pause my broadband internet for six months, do they even allow you to come back after that long?? And man part of me wants to ask to borrow money from friends to get a laptop but i know this time i cant promise to pay you back within the month cos AAAGH ALL OF THIS SHIT!! Like damn man if anyone is willing to let me pay back a hundred and fifty quid in 6 months??not bloody likely!! And man the only place to get a laptop in TWO GODDAMN DAYS is stupid fuckin Amazon :( but god im gonna go stir crazy being unable to do art or gamemaking or friggin anything to occupy myself!! I can bring my 3ds but i barely have any games for it and ive already finished all of them except harvest moon a new beginning which i quit cos it was bad. And the screen is broken anyway gahhh. SO MANY THINGS I NEED MONEY FOR IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME THAT IS NON CONDUCTIVE TO MONEYING

So anyway GAHH i wont have an internet connection in the house, and i'll be able to walk down the hill and use the library computers hopefully at least weekly, but they forbid all social media sites. So like can i get the emails of everyone who wants to keep in contact? Man i dont know how im gonna manage this AAAAA!!! i will send u loads of pics of scenic asylum beauty and dumb updates on my stupid life of probably very little progress.

And AGGGHHH i dont even have the time to plan a blog queue or anything fuck man geez aaaaaaaa

I NEED TO BUY A NEW PAIR OF TROUSERS WITHOUT HOLES IN THE KNEES man i cant live on singular pantage in a shared house

[donnarider]

!!DISCONTINUED!!  Klance - soulmate au (part 4)

Author’s notes:

update 12th July 2019: This story is unfortunately discontinued. There will not be a next part. I’m really sorry.

Read part 1

Read part 2

Read part 3

“Bold” texts are from Keith, “italic” texts are from Lance

„Wow, that’s… rough?“

„Yes it is! I mean… I meant what I said. I just thought he would...”

“Say that he wants to be more than friends?”

“Yeah…” Lance put his head on the table they were studying at. The library was quiet and Lance had a hard time keeping his voice down while telling Hunk about his horrible not-date date.

“So how did the rest of the da…what happened after that?”

“Well, I was dying on the inside and pretended everything was fine on the outside. So, the usual.”

“Lance!”

Lance sighed and leaned back on his chair. The library’s ceiling suddenly seemed very fascinating to him. “We talked about stuff like favourite movies and such. I asked him about his bike. I had to leave for my seminar and he said he’d text me.”

“Well that doesn’t sound too bad,” Hunk decided and squeezed Lance’s shoulder supportively. “Maybe he just needs some time?”

“And what do I do if he doesn’t? I thought I’d be fine with being just friends but-,” he waved his hands around in a helpless motion. “I was basically doomed when he told me to be nice to my coffee in Spanish. I can’t just NOT crush on him now, you know. And that sucks… big time.”

Hunk smiled sympathetically at him and continued to flip through the book in front of him. “Just take it slow. Take a break for a few days and then invite him to do something and see what it feels like then. He’ll either change his mind or you could just bring me and Pidge along to make the friends thing easier. Maybe that’ll help?”

“Hmm. Yeah, maybe.”

Hunk closed his book and got up. “You up for visiting Pidge and Matt? I don’t think we’re gonna get anything done here right now. Also I think Matt finally got that video game you wanted to play so badly.”

“Nooo, Hunk. You wanted to study. I didn’t mean to distract you, I’m just gonna-“

“It’s fine, Lance. I can’t concentrate anyways. And you helped me so much with my last essay, I think I can go a day without studying.”

Lance smiled at him and got to his feet as well. “Okay. But I swear I’ll be back to normal tomorrow and then we’re gonna take a look at the stuff from Iverson’s physics lecture.” Hunk groaned loudly and made Lance laugh with his desperate expression. “I know, I know. But we both have to get better at that stuff.” He stood behind Hunk and made a gesture over his shoulder like he wanted to show Hunk a beautiful landscape.

“NASA, dude. NASA.”

“Ugh, you’re right. But Matt and Pidge now. My brain needs a break.”

Lance swung his backpack over his shoulder. “Maybe I get one of Pidge’s hugs. I love Pidge’s hugs.”

Hunk beside him nodded. “Everyone does, man. They’re the best.”

Wednesday

 (3:15am): WTF DUDE? ???

(3:17am): I KNOW SORRY! Its our stupid neighbors having a party…

(3:18am): AT T HIS HOU R???

(3:18am): pls kill them for me

(3:20am): I would but prison isnt as appealing to me as you might think

(3:21am): So ur bad boy attitude knows boundaries? ;)

(3:22am): Dont mock me Im too tired for this

(3:24am): Yeh I can feel that

(3:24am): u really dont deal well without ur beauty sleep

(3:25am): Sorry :( And no, I really dont

 (3:31am): KEEEEEEITHH do smth!!!!

(3:32am): I have a test tomorrow !!

(3:34am): OM G IT STOPPED

(3:35am): Keith?

(3:35am): did u kill them?

(3:36am): maybe

(3:36am): KE ITH!

(3:37am): I slipped an anonymous note under their door that I would kill their cat if they didnt turn off the music immediately…

(3:38am): O M G thats cruel

(3:38am): u dont threaten peoples pets

(3:38am): NOT COOL!

(3:39am): chill, I was joking. It said Id call the cops on them

(3:40am): Oh okay good hope ur not just saying that

(3:40am): Also thankk

(3:41am): no problem. Good night, Lance

(3:43am): Lance?

 (7:36am): SORRY FELL ASLEEP!

(7:37am): Have fun at work today :)

Friday

(4:12pm): why

(4:25pm): what? u dont like it? ;)

(4:28pm): no

(4:29pm): oh come on! The queen is my best study motivation!

(4:30pm): please just stop

(4:32pm): KEITH! YOU INSULT BEYONCÉ YOU INSULT ME

(4:33pm): Can’t you study to something normal

(4:35pm): Normal normal or you normal?

(4:36pm): I dont care. Just no more beyoncé please. It’s been hours

(4:39pm): Lance?

 (4:42pm): really?

(4:42pm): Evanescence? That’s mature…

(4:43pm): WAKE ME UP INSIDE

(4:43pm): WAKE ME UP INSIIIDE

(4:45pm): I hate you

(4:46pm): No u dont :)

(4:47pm): STOP THIS MADNESS!

(4:48pm): Hunk says if you come to a college thing with us tomorrow, he’ll stop me for you

(4:50pm): What kind of thing?

(4:51pm): dunno, Hunk wont say, but its really good apparently

(4:53pm): OKAY DEAL NOW PLEASE STOP

(4:54pm): Party-pooper

(4:56pm): Tell Hunk I love him

Keith got off his bike, took off his helmet and unzipped his leather jacket. He headed towards the university building with mixed feelings about what awaited him. He had fought with himself about coming today but eventually the curious side of him had won. Keith wanted to see what Hunk had planned for them and also even if it scared him to admit it…he missed Lance.

Logically he knew that it did not make any sense. They hardly knew each other. But emotionally he just… missed him. He sighed and blinked against the bright sunlight. He lifted his hand to shield his eyes against it and bumped into someone.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“Don’t sweat it. All good here.” A friendly voice interrupted him. The tall boy in front of him looked him over and tilted his head to the side. „Hey, are you Keith by any chance?”

Keith nodded. “The one and only.”

“Oh, great! I’m Hunk.“ Keith took the big hand he was offered and returned the welcoming smile. When Hunk gestured for them to move out of the sun and stand in the tall building’s shadow Keith followed him thankfully.

“Nice to meet you. Thanks for saving me yesterday by the way.”

“Oh, no problem. Lance can get like that sometimes when he’s stressed. He didn’t mean anything by it. You know… finals and all. He’s a bit on edge around this time of the year.”

“No, I get it. NASA is a big thing, who wouldn’t freak out, right?”

Hunk gave a nervous laugh. “Yah, I guess. So umm, Lance had to pick up our friend Pidge, they should be here-“

“Exactly now.” Lance’s voice interrupted them. He stopped next to Hunk and let Pidge whom he had been carrying just now slip off his back.

“Hey, Keith. This is Pidge. They use they pronouns. I guess you already know Hunk by now.” Lance smiled at him and clapped Hunk on the back.

Keith nodded and raised his hand in greeting at Pidge. Immediately he regretted the awkward gesture and lowered his hand quickly.

“What’s up butter cup.” Pidge replied with a grin completely ignoring Keith’s weird behavior, who in return just raised an eyebrow at their choice of words.

“Lance, why did you carry Pidge here? Did you take ‘pick them up’ literally again?” Hunk asked with his hands on his hips.

“They paid me two dollars.”

Pidge shrugged. “I didn’t want to walk. It’s too early.”

“It’s almost noon, Pidge.” Hunk said while shaking his head but there was a visible smile on his lips.

“Exactly. Way too early.”

“I feel you, Pidge.” Keith threw in. “I had three coffees before I got here.”

Pidge yawned and stretched their arms over their head. “Good thinking. I only had one and I feel dead inside.”

“So, Hunk. What is this thing? Why are we here?” Lance asked and absently patted Pidge’s head while they leaned against him, eyes closed and repeatedly yawning.

“We are here, because today…” Hunk made a dramatic pause, “They are having a lecture about space for family and friends of students and-“

“AHHH STAR CEILING?” Lance interrupted Hunk excited while bouncing up and down, Hunk just smiled and nodded.

“Yep, Star ceiling.”

“What exactly is star ceiling?” Keith asked confused. Judging from Lance’s reaction this had to be the best thing in the entire universe.

“It’s only the best thing ever, dude,” Lance started to explain while taking Keith’s arm and pulling him in the direction of a big building.

“They only do this once or twice a year when they have family day for the freshmen and around finals for the really stressed out students so they don’t go all homicidal and stuff.” They entered the lecture hall and Lance directed them to a row in the back. “It’s basically just a short lecture about space and planets and what we do here at college but at the end they turn off the lights and project stars on the ceiling and walls. Dude…it’s the most beautiful thing ever. It will change you!” He gestured for Keith to sit down in one of the empty seats and sat next to him.

Hunk took the seat on Keith’s other side and Pidge sat next to Lance. It seemed like they were just in time because a man holding a mic entered the small stage. From the corner of his eyes Keith saw Pidge leaning over to Lance and whispering something into his ear. A moment later Lance bent forward so that Hunk and Keith could both hear him.

“Sorry guys, we’re gonna get Pidge more coffee. They are literally about to murder someone. We’ll be back in a minute.” With that they both left the room and Keith was alone with Hunk, which he didn’t mind that much. They had only exchanged a few sentences but Keith already liked the guy.

The man on the stage started talking about the importance of astronomy and explained the different subjects they were teaching. Unfortunately he had a really boring and monotone voice and Keith immediately zoned out. Thank God Hunk was there to keep him entertained.

“I know this stuff isn’t really interesting, especially not when he’s talking,” Hunk pointed in the direction of the stage. “But it’s really worth it. Lance didn’t exaggerate…well maybe a little… but it actually is crazy beautiful.”

“So you three all study astronomy?” Keith asked. This was his opportunity to learn a bit more about Lance and his friends without this nervous feeling he got around his soulmate. Hunk somehow managed to create an atmosphere around him that immediately made Keith feel comfortable.

“Yeah. It was actually Lance who got me into this stuff when we were younger. We met Pidge here on our first day. They are this crazy genius and got into college early. They are only sixteen but way ahead of most of the students here. Turned out they and their brother Matt live in the same building as me and Lance so we hung with them a couple of times and now we’re all basically besties for life.”

“Space nerds unite,” Keith said with a smile.

“Haha, yeah. Basically.”

“So… do you and Pidge wanna get into NASA too or is that only Lance?” Keith checked the stage for a second but the guy was still talking about boring stuff and Keith noticed that a few other people in the audience had started quiet conversations.

“Well Pidge is as good as in, let’s be real. Me… well. Of course NASA is the dream for almost everyone at this university and I would be thrilled… but I’m not as set as Lance if that makes sense. I feel like I could work anywhere as long as I’m close to my friends.” Hunk shrugged and knitted his brows in deep thought before he cleared his throat.

“Lance is working really hard for it though. You have no idea how many scholarships he had to apply for before he finally got a foot in. Didn’t stop him though.” He smiled and Keith could feel how proud he was of his friend. “You know, the first year was rough. He failed an important test two times and was sure they were gonna kick his ass but he studied harder than all of us and now he’s always in the top 5.”

“Wow. That’s really impressive,” Keith heard himself say and immediately wanted to slap himself. Way to sound like a high school fangirl, Kogane. Can we please think before we speak, brain?!

“Yeah it is.” Hunk sighed, unfazed by Keith’s inner distress. “It’s also really hard to watch sometimes though…”

Keith raised an eyebrow at him.

“Not the part where he’s top of the class, no. I mean how he gets there. You can’t imagine how many all-nighters the boy pulls during finals and he always pushes himself to get better. I mean it’s great that he’s improving but sometimes I wish he would allow himself a break.” He stiffened and gave a quick laugh. “I’m talking too much again, aren’t I. Sorry, this must be a weird first impression.”

Keith didn’t say anything for a while and chewed on his lower lip. “Is it really that bad? I mean… I haven’t noticed anything and finals are just around the corner right?” He thought back to the few times he’d seen Lance. He had always looked cheery and well… relaxed.

Hunk seemed to be pondering over his answer for a while. That’s when they heard the door behind them open slowly and Lance and Pidge slipped back into the room, Pidge holding a coffee cup in each hand. Hunk leaned over a bit and whispered just before the other two sat down. “Look at his eyes, he thinks we don’t notice…”

Keith had no idea what he meant by that and was staring at a spot on the floor absently when Lance waved his hand in front of his face to get him out of his trance. “Keith, buddy, my man. They’re about to start, don’t pass out on me now!”

Keith blushed a little and sat up straighter. “Yeah, sorry. Not passing out. Now, let’s see your space magic thing. Hope it’s as good as you made it sound.”

The boy next to him grinned from ear to ear. “Better.”

The crowd around them applauded loudly. Apparently the speech part was over and somebody dimmed the lights, making everyone go silent. It was now completely dark in the hall. Keith could feel his palms getting sweaty. Why was this taking so long? He swallowed hard.

He whispered, almost inaudible “Lance?” but in this exact moment they turned on the projectors and surprised ahhhhs and ohhhs could be heard through the entire room.

Keith threw his head back so quickly he almost hit it on his seat’s backrest.

Lance’s words hadn’t prepared him for what he was seeing now at all. It was truly just… beautiful. Thousands of little stars were dancing on the ceiling and the floor and just everywhere. He knew he was sitting in a boring lecture hall and he felt incredibly stupid for even thinking so but for a moment he really felt like he was in space. His heartbeat sped up and his eyes wander around the entire room so quickly he was almost getting sick.

Keith was trying to take it all in before it stopped. The stars danced around his fingertips as he raised his hand in front of his face and watched. He wasn’t even questioning how the whole thing worked it was just too… too everything. In a good way.

“Sooo, did I promise too much?” Lance suddenly whispered next to his ear.

Keith just shook his head and then turned it to smile at him. “No, you didn’t. This is great! Thanks for inviting me to this.” Lance smiled at him and then quickly turned his head to the ceiling again. Neither of them mentioned that it had actually been Hunk who invited Keith.

Keith was still staring at Lance’s face from the corner of his eyes, watching the stars being projected onto his skin and their reflections in his eyes. He looked so beautiful like this, it made Keith’s head spin. He wanted to say something, to tell Lance how pretty he was but he bit his tongue instead. Just friends he reminded himself.

That’s when he remembered Hunk’s words from earlier and looked at Lance’s eyes more closely. What was he supposed to see? The long eyelashes? The small freckles underneath them? The well blended but thick layer of… concealer? Something clicked in his brain. Hunk had mentioned that Lance wasn’t sleeping enough and pushing too hard. Of course he and many others were unable to tell if they didn’t know what to look for. Lance had covered up his dark circles almost perfectly. Almost… Keith turned his gaze to the ceiling again and frowned. Why was he pretending to be fine? It was normal to be tired around finals wasn’t it? Why was he trying to hide it?

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid we have to end this now since our time is up,” a voice sounded from the front of the room. “Thank you all for coming and enjoy the rest of your day on campus.” They turned off the projectors and disappointment could be heard all around. Some classical song started to play and people started to shift but the lights were still out. Keith dug his nails into his palm and tried to breathe evenly. It’s fine, he tried to tell himself. They’re gonna turn them back on every second. Only they didn’t.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it appears we’re having some trouble back here. We’re sure everything will be fixed soon,” the voice echoed again. “Always a bit hard to find the light switch in the dark.” The voice said and gave a fake laugh. Some parents laughed as well. Keith didn’t. He gulped and pressed deeper into his seat.

He could feel Lance stir in the dark next to him and a hand touching his shoulder. “Keith? Are you okay?” Before Keith could even think of something to respond with the lights were finally turned back on. Keith let out a very deep breath he hadn’t noticed he was holding until now. He quickly unclenched his hands and turned his head to give Lance a small smile.

“All good, yes. I’m a bit sad it was over so quickly though.”

Lance looked at him questioningly for a second longer before he returned the smile. “Right? I wish they would do this more often!”

The group got up and headed out before the mass of people in the hall could block the aisles. The bright sunlight blinded Keith for a moment when they walked outside and he held up his helmet to shield his eyes. Someone walked into him from behind and he quickly turned around to apologize for stopping in the doorway but it was Lance he was looking at. An elderly woman complained about them being in her way and they stepped aside and walked a few feet to get away from the mass.

“Sorry for bumping into you,” Lance started, “It’s just,” he pointed at the helmet in Keith’s hand. “I didn’t notice before because I was so excited about the star thing but… did you bring your bike?” Hunk listened to their conversation and laughed looking at Lance now. Keith didn’t exactly understand what he thought was so funny and turned to Pidge for help but they were just quietly smiling at the whole scene.

“Ummm, yes? It’s how I got here. I don’t have a car, soo…” Keith shrugged a little lost.

“Awesome! I mean great. I mean...,” Lance scratched his head. “Can I see it?”

“Uhh, sure. I parked right over there.” Keith pointed over his shoulder. Lance didn’t even wait for the others. He was already on his way to the parking lot, almost running. When the others caught up with him he was inspecting Keith’s bike and admiring the details of the machine by almost touching it with his nose.

Hunk and Pidge seemed kind of impressed too and Hunk slapped Keith’s shoulder. “Sweet ride, Keith!” He joined Lance in walking around the bike to get a better look. “Lance mentioned you work at a workshop. Did you build this yourself?”

Keith nodded and then realised that Hunk wasn’t looking at him so he couldn’t see. “Yah, I did. It was the first project I did without Shiro’s help. Took me a while to find all the parts. I could get a better bike if I wanted but I’m kind of sentimental I guess.”

Lance nodded. “No I get it. It’s a bit like it’s your child, right? I mean… you made her.”

Keith smiled. “Yeah. I guess.”

Pidge gave a fake cough to get everyone’s attention and pointed at the bike. “If you’re finished drooling over that can we go get some food please?”

“That?” Keith repeated in a fake hurt tone.

“They’re secretly loving this more than Lance and me. You should see the stuff they build. We should visit you at your shop and just leave Pidge there for a few hours. They’d have the time of their life.” Hunk chuckled at the expression on Pidge’s face after his revelation.

 “Speaking of food though,” Lance looked at Keith and tilted his head, “We thought about grabbing a bite at Planet Altea. You in?”

Keith considered for a moment. He could spend some more time with them and get to know them better. He probably should. Shiro would tell him to… but he also really wanted to go home. The light incident had seriously freaked him out even if he didn’t want to show it. He’d rather calm down at home, alone, where he could stop pretending and no one would see what a mess he really was after such a small thing.

“Sorry, I need to leave. Shiro wants to visit an old friend of his and he’s dragging me along.” Lie. Shiro never dragged him anywhere Keith didn’t want to go. Apart of from that Shiro wasn’t even home right now.

Lance chewed his lower lip. “Ohh. Okay. We’ll text then?” The disappointed look on his face made Keith feel bad instantly.

“Yes definitely. It was really great. Thank you all for taking me.” Let me leave let me go.

Pidge and Hunk said goodbye and they watched Keith take off quickly. Lance waved one last time before he was out of sight, but Keith didn’t turn around to see it.

 Usually driving calmed him down but he felt himself get more anxious with every mile. He was glad he could finally take off the helmet when he arrived at his and Shiro’s place because he could breathe more freely instantly. He put the bike in the garage, unlocked the front door and took the elevator up to their floor. After hastily unlocking the front door and locking it after himself again, he immediately kicked off his boots and headed for his bedroom.  

He’d learned a few breathing techniques during his never ending counseling sessions and was really glad about that right now. After some minutes of leaning against his door he got his breathing under control. His thoughts however where still spinning, so he put his favourite playlist on shuffle and flopped down on his bed.

After a couple of songs Keith took out his phone to ask Shiro when he would be home and noticed he had gotten a few messages.

 (2:17pm): Hey, u ok?

(2:18pm): Getting kind of an anxious vibe over here?!

(2:20): Also thats an awful lot of emo music for someone who insists hes not emo ;)

 Shit. Sometimes he forgot the soulmate connection was a thing.

 (2:33pm): Sorry! Yes I’m good

There was an immediate response.

(2:33pm): U sure? Doesnt feel like it

(2:35pm): Idk

(2:36pm): Maybe not

(2:36pm): do you wanna talk? I can call u

Keith’s whole body tensed. Was he ready for that? Should he lie, maybe say he was tired and wanted to nap or something? Should he tell the truth? He frowned.

(2:37pm): I’m not… good at phone calls

(2:37pm): Np u can just listen and I’ll do the talkin

(2:39pm): that’d be ok?

Keith swallowed. Shiro probably wouldn’t be home for a while and he really needed to talk to someone. The question was if Lance was safe to talk to? Would it overstep the friendship line? Why could things never be easy…

 (2:42pm): yes, ok

 [Incoming call: Lance McClain]

More author’s notes:

This fic on AO3

Yeah after 500 years I finally updated. I could explain at length why it took my so long but it comes down to this: I was stressed, I was depressed, I’m sorry but now it’s finally here! Hooray!

As always a big THANK YOU to @alteanmoonchild for being my beta and for reading every new draft and honestly telling me when what I wrote isn’t good so I can improve and grow. I love us working together on this <3

Thank you to all of you for reading! If you have any questions or feedback send me an ask or dm me <3

Me an my friends finally cosplayed Voltron so if you wanna see me as Shiro and my awesome friends as Keith, Lance and Coran head over to my instagram.

Do you know what keeps me motivated when I so often doubt my writing and don’t know how to continue? Getting feedback! So please reblog, like, comment or even draw fanart. Whenever I read an “I love this” comment it makes me incredible happy! Also one of my goals is to someday have someone draw fanart for something wrote soo... if you wanna do that I’ll love you. Also please tag me if you do.

If you want me to tag you in the next part when I post it, just send me an ask saying so and I’ll add you to the taglist.

taglist: @alyy--caticus @princealektheorange @an-important-nobody @teddyorionpotter @spookyscaryshitstorm @ladythugs @positevelybakerstreet @meganmoo02 @atomicengineerdetective @jishwadun-is-jishwafun @anemoee

[samanthaknopper-blog]

3rd world problems :/

Money...its great when you have it... and a crazy stress bomb when you dont have it. My pay from april hasn’t arrived yet... it is almost 2 weeks late. That means i am almost 2 weeks late on paying the rent and i can’t buy groceries for the family. The company didn’t even contact us until 10 days after our pay was due to make some sort of pathetic explanation that they have to submit a lot of paper work to get the money to pay us... and i guess they didn’t do it on time? None of the teachers in the program got paid and every one is crazy mad. People are threatening to not work until we get paid.. i have about 20,000 peso left (10 bucks) to get the bus this week. They have just said we need to act professional and continue doing our job. I love how they try and make like we are the ones being unprofessional. They are the ones that have broken the contract agreements - not us. 

They have said that the payments were made friday afternoon and we should have our money by now... but as if payments are made instantly and its a friday afternoon.. everyone knows it ain’t gonna appear until after 9am monday morning. So that has really added some stress to my life. Also because this week i need to start working at Colegio Panameriano 3 days a week in the arvo my transport costs are gonna double. I told Silvia intially i was just gonna get an uber from my school in Giron to Panamericano cause i need to get there quick. But she is like noooo its way to expensive ( which , yes it is) but i need to get there quick. She has organised for her and her bf to take turns taking me on their scooters and i can just pay them someone. She won’t give me a number to pay so i need to figure out how much is enough without being to cheap that it doesn’t cover their costs. It is only for 3 weeks so shouldn’t be to bad.. will just be much longer days. 

Other problem at the moment is that because i am on a volunteer visa,  Panamericano can’t legally justify having me on their payroll. So i have to wait to get paid in August and they will just called it a bonus to add to my normal pay i will be receiving. I have requested if possible they pay me the bonus at the beginning of the month as July i wont be receiving any money. They are quite accommodating so i am hoping they will say yes to that request. 

I have been looking forward to the rest of the year and trying to plan financially... and it doesn’t not look super promising. I did a budget with Silvia last night and got most of the costs she pays in a normal month or should be paying and she is literally in the red every month 650,000 peso. That isn’t even counting the debts that she has...I am not sure if she had ever seen her financial situation like that in her face. I think it was slightly overwhelming for her. I said to her i can’t leave here and be stressed about her not surviving when i go. The only way she is staying afloat is that i pay the rent for the house. After we clear this other big debt, then she can apply for a better job, so i told her to start looking lol. It takes a long time to find a new job as everyone is super slow with communicating. 

I was very stressed yesterday and feeling quite helpless. I am use to being on top of financial stuff but with unreliable payments i am basically at the mercy of the company. I feel terrible for the Aunt who owns the apartment, we were late last month and again this month. I don’t want her to think that she is being mucked around by me. Hopefully they pay us on time this month so she can get the rent at the proper time.  I walked to the shop yesterday and bought a mcflurry on my credit card and just sat at the foodcourt and people watched... and to be honest i was holding back tears. it is a terrible feeling to feel helpless and not in control of your situation. I can only imagine the stress that Silvia is under and why she will cry when the next bill is due and she again cannot pay it. I am in the process of trying to find some casual work as some sort of a private english teacher so hopefully i can increase how much money i am coming in. I am also trying to save for my little random trips coming up. I leave for Aruba and Peru at the end of june and i feel like i may only be eating one meal a day while i am away lol. I also have a trip to Cuba in December and i am not sure how i will afford accomodation and food for that. But i guess it is better to just take one day at a time then think of all the potential hurdles i will have to get over in the next 35 weeks ( i’ve counted how long i have left lol)... 35 weeks is so long. But to be honest the weeks do fly by at a slow pace :/

All i can say is, appreciate your financial situation you are in... because this one sucks a lot... and I cannot wait to get back to Australia and have no worries about my next paycheck and not need to live pay check to paycheck. 

[angelicspaceprince]

Rant timmme

So I’ve blocked the person this is about bc they sometimes splurg on my Tumblr page and knowing me, thisd be the day that they do that.

Basically, a friend of mine from high school and I are…idk if its a falling out or if its subtle hints they dont want to know me or what. But, here is a rant dedicated to them.

So I met them in Grade 8, 9? We hit it off right away and I could talk to them about the stuff that was bothering me at the time. They were amazing and I respected their boundaries as much as they respected mine.

In Grade 9, when my mum was sick, I didnt have any friends in my class bc the school separated the three of us bc I was too distracting (the one person I did sit with was legally blind so I was helping them with stuff they needed help with, something her aide never bothered to do) and I pretty much isolated myself from everyone bc it felt like no one was on my side, especially all the teachers who failed to see my deteriorating interest and health to be anything but “its because shes fat”.

Anyway, I told this person that I was suicidal (I think I said that if God wont end my life soon, I’ll do it for him? Anyway it wasnt hinted, a went into my plan a little bit) and they brushed it off, saying that I was fine and when Mum was better I’d feel better.

Fast forward to Year 10. Still suicidal only no one was listening. Self harming now too. But thats not their responsibility.

What was their responsibility was not to become a Grade A bitch.

Throughout the year they ignored me, and caused my closet friend to burst into tears on multiple occasions. They refused to sit with us and would rarely talk to us. Another one of their friends was also suicidal and self harming, and they were taking it more seriously with them. Whenever I tried to organise something (catch up in town, meeting after school, etc) they’d always forget and either not show or show up so late and have to leave early so there was no real point in meeting up at all (I’d have to be in town at 830am agreeing to meet up at 930-10, and they’d show up post lunch and leave about an hr afterwards and I’d be stuck there until 6-7)

What really hurt was that for my 16th party, I had invited about 10 people to lunch. All but one forgot, and when I called this person they said oh I’m sorry, I forgot I’m at netball and then I’m going to other friends house. Raincheck?

So yeah. Pretty devo.

Then at our Grade 10 formal she refused to sit with us, take a photo with us, and caused my friend to, yet again, burst into tears. Two days later, we had an explosive argument and I cut contact.

When I came back from the UK (about maybe 6 months after this argument?) They wanted to catch up and I said fine.

Didnt say a word to me. Hugged literally everyone but me (they hated hugs all throughout high school and they didnt offer and when I asked for one they turned me down) and, surprise surprise, spent all the time talking to the same girl from high school.

(Side note: the other person is really sweet and I’m not shitting on them, more my friends behaviour when it came to interacting with literally anyone else but her)

So, we had a shakey online relationship forming, and when I organised a meet up in town the same things happened as they did in high school.

Fast foward to Grade 12, my 18th party. I had two, a dinner with family and friends and a day in town/sleep over with my mates (to make up for the dinner which scared the shit out of me). They forgot the dinner. They forgot the party (we called several times before I called her Mum and practically forced them out the door). Which is fine except it was my 18th, and they had done it for all bar one of my birthdays)

Then, when I came down from Melbourne I always asked if they wanted to meet up and they always forgot. That whole year was shit for a multitude of reasons, but their lack of support offline was one of the shittiest things that happened.

So, now we are in my first year of Uni. I pay for them to go to Melbourne with me (I paid accomm and I think tickets? Well i got free accomm anyway) and had planned for us to do a ton of stuff.

Didnt want to do any of it.

And just like when I went down from Melb, when I came down from where I am now, they’d always forget when we were catching up.

On top of that, I offered to let them stay at mine during a local con that happens once a year and they didnt tell me until I came down to grab them to walk them home that they found other accomm! And then didnt ask if I wanted to catch up post con or whatever.

Anyway. Last year they commissioned me to crochet them something, which I did. I finished it and we agreed that they’d pick it up at my 21st bday party.

Anyone see the trend?

They fucking forgot again. I sent the multiple messages during the lead up to the party and they still fucking forgot and then asked if I was in town the following day to drop off their blanket.

I was fucking livid. So I said no (which was the truth) and told them that I gave it to my parents for them (my friend) to organise with my parents to pick it up from their (my parents) work. (Fun fact: it still took them over six months to collect it and it was only after spamming them and threatening to sell it and then them running into dad that they did then collect it).

I also told them they needed to call me at their earliest convenience.

That was in July. Besides the messages about the blanket, I refused to message them until they called me. Which they haven’t.

I dont know I think I’ve never been an important person in their life? I mean, they forget everything and never take what I say seriously and I dont like making plans with them anymore bc I know they rarely remember. Am I being too dramatic? Or is it justified?

To be honest I’m terrified of never speaking to them again but my heart always gets broken when they forget me and even though they are super important to me, clearly I’m not important to them. And I feel incredibly shitty about that because idk…I feel like I’ve lost a lot over the past three years, especially in the friend department.

But yeah. No climax with this one, just a rant ended I suppose.

[savanimay]

I have no idea what to do right now about money or living situation.

2020 can suck it.

Anyway, earlier today, we found a cat...that seems to be the sister of the cat we took in in July.

We got in trouble for taking in the kitten in July. We hid him until we were found out, making him a permanent fixture in the house...so thats good.

BUT! LITERALLY LAST MONTH:

My bf's MOM SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO MOVE HOUSES. She hates pets and she wants all the pets gone (mine/my bf's cat that we found in july and his brother's dog)

And ofc, TODAY. WE FIND THIS CAT CHILLING ON THEIR BACK PORCH as im walking our cat. I notice immediately that the cat has the same pattern and face shape as our cat.

After feeding the cat and checking to make sure she was okay, we noticed that she was literally the same age of the cat we took in in july

>.< now, she could very well be the neighbor's cat but...we got our cat when he was a kitten, outside and alone, hiding in our cars. If both were the neighbors' cat at some point, they werent taking very good care of them, considering our cat was a kitten in july..and shouldnt have been outside in the woods..

This cat seems skinny and has fleas. But she could still be taken care of and live with someone... :/ i have no idea but NOW she's sticking around the house and my MIL is gonna be pissrd and i have no idea what to do.

AND WE DONT HAVE ANY MKNEY TO GET THE CATS FIXED

We have literally been penny pinching ALL WEEK.

Im super behind on my car insurance payment and my bf and i were planning to pay all our bills next friday when he gets paid.

This cat has thrown everything in limbo

AND ON TOP OF THAT ---

Shdorhfkv there's even more crap to add onto this that is threatening my bf having a place to live and ..my dad wont let me take in cats and idk if my dad will let my bf live with us and pay rent because...well, my dad is a fucking racist. My whole family is racist and i dont even trust my siblings' reaction if my bf started living with me... or if i took both cats in :(

If i took both of these cats in, i have to worry about my cat at my house, which MY DAD CONSTANTLY LETS OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I TELL HIM NOT TO...

I---

[tadrambles]

Im so FUCKING done

I can’t believe this is fucking happening. I was just given a prefactory you-cant-stay-here-anymore speech from my aunt saying “I just don’t see how you’re going to get through graduation and all those parties without permanently damaging your relationships. And permanently damaging my relationship with my brother (my moms dad).” I jokingly (because that is all I can do now is try to make light of fucking everything) said: “haha, so kick me out then?” And she said: “I don’t like that phrase..‘kick me out’” And I realized that she meant it? She was literally telling me that I am not welcome but can’t say it outright because she knows it is rediculous and fucked up. She doesn’t want me here because it is hurting ///her/// relationships with my family. And she is trying to FUCKING PRETEND SHE CARES ABOUT MY “PERMANENT DAMAGE” THAT i am doing to ///MY/// RELATIONSHIPS? Did anyone ever fucking bother to think of blaming my MOTHER? She drove with me drunk in the car so many times that I can’t get behind the wheel of one without having a panic attack. She showed up to my senior show plastered–both senior shows actually. She drove off the road with me and when I took her keys she told me that i would “regret being so manipulative.” She knew I was hurting myself and in pain and instead of talking to me about it or trying to get me help SHE. USED. IT. AS. BLACKMAIL. as fucking LEVERAGE!! She threatened to " take out a big life ensurance policy" and "let herself die" if I left because nobody loved her. She refused to acknowledge what she was doing/had done after I moved out. She is FUCKED. UP. I am so sick, so fucking SICK of people calling me unreasonable. I told my aunts I never wanted to get in the car with her again. They made me. I told them I didn't want to get my license, but they have been UP my ASS about it for 2 months straight. And now they are going to make me go back to live with her. Because what?? The bond between mother and son is too important??? NEWS FLASH::: I AM NOT THE ONE WHO FUCKED IT UP IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?##? And I can't just go somewhere else. Because I dont have money. Because I am too tired. Because I am mentally too weak to be a fucking GUEST and am too scared to be alone. Because I am sick of being a fucking leech to my friends making them drive me everywhere and deal with all of my shit. Because I don't have the money, car, or means to live alone. Because NO OTHER ADULTS KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT BECAUSE "Hush. Hush. We musnt hurt Vals spotless reputation." Because I that fuck still pays my cell phone bill. And I am under her insurance and she wont let me leave. Because, with the fucking drop of a hat she could tell my doctor that I am not "mentally stable" enough for T again and get it Postponed. Because she has my bother and I cant get him out of there. Because she is my mom and she has the power to fuck up my life. Because if I tell her again she could and very likely might kill herself. Why does nothing matter to the people who are supposed to be fucking there for me?! Is it because she wasnt bad enough to us?! Because she didn't molest me?? Because she didn't beat me eve ry day??? Because she paid for my shit, took me to school, and maintained the FUCKING FACADE?? i know that isn't what they think, but it sure as fuck is what their actions say: that "your abuse wasnt bad enought to warrent this level of frustration and emotion. In fact, it wasn't even abuse." Well fuck them because it WAS and it IS and I am NOT OKAY.

[emily-jared-zoe-benjamin-blog]

TW: Abuse, rape, toxic houses, abelism, additction. text heavy post below the cut. Please read. Do not comment with anything that is unsupportive. x x x x x x x x x x I ususally dont have the energy or am too ashamed to tell people whats actually going on with me. It has felt very isolating and put me in a bad mental place for a long time. This time I am speaking out. It's hard for me to put this in words without being emotional. I have reached out to some folks in my community. I have direct support from members of MBAC, TWAC, NLG, SURJ. Three or four years ago, I and others started a rad community house to center marganilized folks. I have been the primary person holding down this house (as in emotional labor, physical labor, and financial labor). Awesome friends have lived here. So have alot of shitty, abusive assholes. I've been fucked over beyond anything I feel like going into. Things have deteriorated. The people I currently live with have worn me down to nothing and have turned the house into a toxic environment. They were all friends before moving in and reinforce and enable each others problematic behaviors. They are abelist and abusive. They aren't paying bills or rent. We are getting shut off notices everyday. One of my roommmates raped someone in the house and the rest have enabled this behavior thru appoligism and denial. JARED HUNSAKER BENJAMIN DONOLON AKA JOHN SMITH EMILY KAYE WARNER ZOE SNIK OR ZOE JENKINS TOXIC ENVIRONMENT Since this summer, I have consistently been woken up by rowdy partying every night from the hours of 3-9 AM. They will sleep or drink through the day. There is a culture of drug and alchohol use on a nightly and daily basis. Personally, I dont care what drugs people do as long as it does not negativly affect others in the house. That is the case here. The drugs they are using makes them highly aggressive. Often what wakes me up is barking dogs and sketchy-and-drunk, agro-white-cis dudes getting into fights or raising their voices. People and their dogs have literally stayed at the house for upwards of two months. Typically this is without discussion. Most of them have been physically violent and aggressive and verbally abusive. Most of them have been kicked out after multiple incidents of violence and agression. Most of these incidents arent communicated with other housemates. I finally find out once it's really bad that, oh, they knew this person was agro all along and had expierenced it. Many times these are people my roommates later claim to 'barely know' or just met. All are white cis dudes. I realize a lot of this behavior is deeply imbedded in their community. I have been in a constant state of exhaustion due to lack of sleep. I have chronic pain and I get exhausted everyday just from living and have explained this to them many times. It's disorienting being woken up from a deep REM sleep consistently. And I cant function/think. The last fucking noise I want to be woken up by is either a barking dog or the sound of a white cis dude who probably has dred locks. This is not a punk house. When I reached my limit and asked that we not host folks for a few weeks (especially white cis dudes) they did so anyways and lied to my face that no one was there (even when I saw them). I've also asked for specific people who have been agro not to be back at the house. This has also been ignored. When neighbors began coming to me, they finally took the noise seriously. ANON ROOMMATE - RAPE/ABUSE It is in this toxic culture that one of my roommates raped someone in the house. The entire house apparently knew/or was involved and didnt tell me, nor did they hold this person acocuntable. Why? Because they are denialists, appologists, and enablers. They shamed the survivor to their face as well as blamed them for the abuse because they both had drank. In addition, Emily screamed and violently reacted to the survivor when the survivor went to them for support. The rapist literally said things such as, "she is only saying I raped her because her feelings are hurt." They shit talked the survivor and said they were out to ruin them and not to trust them. These conversations took place in a Facebook chat which I am no longer in and copied and pasted to email form. *some screenshots included.. I reached the limit of pictures that could be posted, however, there is much more* I learned about the rape when rent was due (one month after the abuse) when the abuser didnt have money because he had to pay for part of the abortion. I immediatly reached out to the survivor and offered support. The survivor told me they reached out to everyone in the house to try to hold the abuser accountable and asked that I be told. No one in the house did that. I then sent a Facebook message to the entire house calling out the abuser and the other people's appoligist, enabling behaviors. I asked for accountability. I set up ground rules for this conversation and said I would end the conversation if they were broken (for example, no gaslighting, no survivor blaming, shaming, no aggressive personal attacks, etc). These rules were broken repeaditly as were boundaries the survivor set. They seriously triggered the survivor. I was unable to continue speaking with them because of how disguisting their comments were. I then reached out to the community for support. I arranged for a neutral mediator to meet with us in an effort to hold the abuser and others accountable. At first they were receptive. Then they never responded when the mediator reached out to them. We made more attempts and waited longer. Then said they refused to engage in mediation. I've made many efforts to hold them accountable within the house. This has failed. JARED HUNSAKER white cis male. Jared got in my face while I was in my chair, yelling when I asked him to be quiet at 4 am. He then refused to move out of my way and blocked my path and continued yelling at me until I came back out of my room to talk to him. He says that any request I have is either overreacting or petty. Usually, after I make a request to Emily (as the noise is coming from her room and I dont want to enter a room of people partying at 4 am, especially not after being attacked) for the entire group to be quiet, I will get a nasty text at 4 or 6 am from Jared saying "the whole house thinks it's time I move out" or calling me "petty." This has happened multiple times. Only two of those times are included. It's at a point where I know asking for them to respect basic boundaries or to do things around the house wont happen. I dont feel comfertable talking to them in person, so I have been talking to them over Facebook. At this point, I dont feel talking to them in any form will change anything. BENJAMIN DONLON AKA JOHN SMITH Benjamin is a poc cis male who recently moved here from Denver, Colorado. He used to organize and live at R2D2 and was briefly active in dont shoot. I found out that Benjamin basically fled Coloroado to escape accountability there. He was kicked out of his last house. Benjamin did not inform people in the house any of this information. I found out thru someone else in passing. When I asked him about this and for the name of the facilitator in Denver, he told me he was involved in a mutually abusive, co-dependant relationship where he was being mentally abused and he was physically violent. I asked him for the phone number of the facilitator of the process he went through. I asked four times. He never gave it to me. I thought it was a huge red flag that he didnt tell anyone about his past. I found the number myself. I learned that he was kicked out of a community house in Colorado for being violent towards other people and his former partner. He went through a process and was staying in the house. However, after that process, he chased his former partner into a room and she had to lock the door and trap herself in. He had punched walls before this and this time punched other folks trying to hold him back from punching the door more. It was at that time that he left Colorado. He has exibited the same behavior with me (chasing me into my room, yelling and banging the door down and trying to open it, refusing to leave). When he found out I spoke with the person in Denver, he became aggressive with me. Towering over me in my chair, yelling, blocking my path, hitting walls and counters, he accused me of "talking shit about him to people out of state" and then gaslit me, saying I never asked him for the phone number. Another time he did this to me, he ripped down a bill (in close proximity to my face and body, as I was literally in the act of putting up a shut off notice under the heat control when he ripped it down in my face). I told him to stop touching the heat unless he intended to pay, because it was about to be shut off. He then told me he would continue turning the heat on and to try to stop him (he hasn't paid bills since he moved in or paid full rent - as Emily told him this was okay). He began yelling at me and accusing me of stealing mail (???) and I quickly went into my room and held the door shut (my doors are french doors tied by a rope knot). He continued yelling and tried to break open the door. He left only when I blasted music to drown him out. Every encounter I have had with him since has been super aggressive. I later saw him and Zoe emptying the trash bins outside in apparent attempts to look for mail (?) it was gross and aggressive intimidation. He has harassed me while I was in the bathroom by yelling and threatening me (through a curtain door). He has waited outside my room in the dark for me to come out and mess with me on several occasions. EMILY WARNER: Emily works at Sam's Billiards as a cook (NE Sandy/42ndish). She's friends with people who party alot. She works most nights and parties afterwards until 9 am. Emily recently moved here from Michigan. I dont know where she meets her friends and would often later find out that she "doesn't know them" or just met them. She will also say that she doesnt know who's in her room and she isn't home when they are there. Both her and Zoe will say things are missing from their rooms all the time. Recently, Zoe has accused me of stealing from them, which is a baseless accusation; it clearly is the people they are bringing into the house. Emily has a pattern of abelism and creating conflict when asked to follow thru on basic promised responsibilities. Emily's dogs are dogs that bark at everything and destroy everything unless there are people around. They have been completly neglected. They almost never stop barking. Emily has barely been home these past few months. They may be cared for once a day if that. When she first moved in, she (like many before her) assumed that I would provide free animal care because I am disabled and at the house more than her. I told her after it was becoming apparent that I was not able to do this. She then paid others in the house to do this. My labor is always a free and exploited thing, of course. Then she stopped paying others and the dogs for months have been locked away in her room. Deficating and urinating in there and making a huge mess. They are so unhappy. Most of our conversations are about the dogs or being woken up. I have tried so many times, begging Emily to do something. The non-stop barking and wining every hour on a nightly basis is a nusance. She will say she is sorry and has done nothing to remedy this. She continues to neglect them or have the dogs in the presence of rowdy people and new dogs who rile them up. Others in the house have expressed the same sentiments. Emily generally has not followed thru on the things she has promised to do, and the same goes for most people in the house. Thus, house meetings continued to cover the same things that werent getting done until I finally told them that I refused to participate in house meetings. It was another drain on my labor to facilitate and plan the same meeting without follow through. So I did all the "to dos" and projects myself. Most of this involved physical labor, such as removing large objects, forming a gate, and cleaning the yard of large pallets and their party trash, clearing matresses, and so on. They did nothing to help. Finally, two months ago, I passed on the responsibility for paying rent and bills to Emily because I was at my breaking point. Most of the time people dont pay rent or bills. It's fucking not okay. I'm not a fucking bank. I exist on disability income while they all work/can work and spend their money on alchohol and molly. I've been dealing with this ontop of organizing and ontop of having almost zero will to exist. So Emily was taking our money and didn't pay any bills the entire time. If they took it, if they didnt have enough to cover bills, if they didn't communicate to us they need more money. I dont know and I dont care. I am facing shut off notices everyday and sadled with over $800 past due bills because of this. She continues to lie about paying them and does nothing. The bills she has said she paid are actually not paid. I have actual copies of the bills reflecting that as well as all her texts claiming that she paid them. She enabled the abuser by covering his rent and survivor-shamed by hiding the abuse from others in the house (along with other housemates). Last month, when rent was due, the money I gave her was missing. For 24 hours she wouldnt give me a straight answer as to where it was or if she had it. She strings me along saying things are paid and then I call the utilitiy the next day and find out she hasn't. This pattern has been going on for awhile and is exhausting. She will then spin elaborate stories to create conflict and to confuse the issue (not just about this, but everything). This is something all the folks in the house have been doing. They have been banding together to defend and enable an abuser and their own abusive behaviors. Sometimes I doubt my own reality. Lately I have been refusing to engage in their webs of lies. I've cut off all contact with them. ZOE SNIK- Zoe is someone I know from mutual friends in twac and also from shows. I had the most hope for them and am truelly sorry they are not seeing things clearly. They seemed somewhat supportive initially, but since I have taken action to kick Benjamin out of the house, they have been spreading actual lies about me online. They are best friends with Emily. They told me about the rape. When they did they did so, however, it was in a denialist way of shaming, dismissing, and denying the survivor's story. They and others said, "they were there" and thats not what happened. Or that the survivor was drunk at the time. After one or two initial conversations, Zoe refused to engage in further discussion about the abuse. Zoe has brought over many agro white cis dudes who have stayed for months. They continue to bring over folks who I specifically asked them not to, due to their aggressive behaviors toward me. These folks are always drunk when they are here. It makes me very uncomferable. They continued to bring groups of people over when specifically asked not to on a temporary basis because of how rowdy the house had been. I am the only one in this house who cleans or constantly picks up after the entire house and their beer cans, clearing other people's huge mattresses and yard couches. We havent had any spoons in the kitchen for many months. The past weeks, I've stopped cleaning up after them and no one did anything. During one telling incident (with past people), after we got an eviction notice, I cleaned the entire house and mowed the whole yard by myself as they sat on the porch smoking cigarettes. That literally happened. I've had to post desprate CraigsList ads. I trade my houseless friend weed in exhange for labor now. Recently Zoe dumped a moldy matreess that I specifically asked them not to dump in our yard/freepile, because I knew I'd be the one dealing with it, along with the others, right next to an actual no dumping sign that I made. After asking several times, I of course had to be the one to get rid of it. I empty the trash and do dishes. They virtually never contribute. I've explained how recylcing works a million times and im still having to sort thru our trash constantly because they don't care. With them having so many people over, I've never seen so much trash in the house. In the end, it is me dealing with it all and cleaning up after them all while being told that I'm being 'petty'. I maintain all the basics - I'm the sole person for years getting tiolet paper, soap, staple foods, ect. I have paid rent and bills and been in the constant state of being owed money. At times, two thosand dollars. It has taken me months to get repaid, only to have someone else not pay rent and me have to cover. Why is the one disabled person cleaning up after abelist messes? The air quality got so bad in here that the day has finally come. I am empyting bob myself (aka carrying up huge buckets of water from the basement upstairs). Fuck every last abelist bone in their body. Folks who support me have offered to help with this but asking someone to come do that seems like more time than it would for me to do it. This alone caused me alot of anxiety, then during this Emily felt entitled to take the dehumifier to her room. After spending days of trying to get outside help just to empty the thing, she has made it impossible. I texted her over the span of two days letting her know nicely that it needs to be returned, that it belongs to the house and I am having a real bad pain flare up because of her actions. First she didn't respond, then finally was snippy, and eventually moved it after the point where I lost my calm with her. Community members served a Restraining Order (RO) on Benjamin and are trying to find Jared. We went to great lengths to keep this within the community and not involve the police. If we did involve the police this would have been over already. Emily and Zoe will be evicted thru a community eviction. After serving an RO on Benjamin, both Zoe and Emily made posts on housing forums targetting me and attacking me for supporting survivors and making up lies about the situation. They have refused any accountability for their actions as to why they are being asked to leave. I am extremely worried about the past due bills that Emily has not paid on behalf of the house for months and making rent by April 1. I was planning on giving Zoe a second chance, despite their behaviors, because I saw hope in them working on this stuff. However, due to their lack of accountability and smear campaign against my name, that will no longer be the case.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yall ive had some shit this shift...i got lectured and vaguely threatened for having to pee a lot which was coz i drink stuff thruout the day like coffee and tea which is Pee City and since ive been on deliveries steadily all day ill be gone on that for ages and have to pee when i get back as well as the other shit i do. like i was literally this afternoon joking w coworkers who are actually cool to me abt how i can be at work for hours before people who have been in the store the whole tkme will realize im even there coz im a) out on deliveries most of the time, like for real if its a busy lunch period i can be at work for 2-3 hrs and actually be in the store 10-20 min and b) when im here im moving around actually doing shit and people have always been saying how its hard to get ahold of me coz im always going around doing shit and thats another reason people dont realize im here and c) people just dont notice me so like today my freakin bad i had to pee a lot coz my only comforting routine in this place besides constant disassociation is working my way thru a drink and i happen to like both coffee and tea even tho it does make me pee and sometimes i get the coffee dumps, truth. so today since ive been in and out on deliveries the whole time and i havent been talking to anyone since none of the people who notice me were much here and since ive been moving around the store since im actually doing shit, i get yelled at for using the bathroom too much.... like i get the issue of people who give themselves Bathroom Breaks which realistically we all do but sometimes people do it too long or whatever and like yeah while im taking a shit i will check my twitter or make a shitpost or something, like we all use our phones throughout the day including the managers and im not gonna feel bad for doing that but i am not thrilled w being accused of using the bathroom needlessly when im using it coz i need to use it....and like not like i can prove im peeing every time coz i'd be glad to give you a urine sample every time but they prob dont want that.... anyways whats real good is how i was just talking the other day about how this one delivery driver who's been here forever and was just given like acknowledgement for being a good employee, i was talking w someone about how like he doesn't actually do shit, and i was like i try desperately to ignore him but now that you mention it i never see him doing anything really? and like if you ask him to do some basic shit we're Supposed to do he wont or he'll ask someone else to do it. and today he was here and when we were slow and i was like washing tables and taking dishes and making coffee I actually paid attention to him and he definitely would just like stand by the computer even tho we had no new orders and then walk to a different spot and then go back to the computer and then walk energetically somewhere else and i think a couple times i saw him carry a few dishes to the sinks. and he's fine and im doing shit and getting lectured for causing issue for not doing my work like granted this was from the same manager who once made me mad for getting on me for Slacking Off coz i was leaning on the bread slicer, which i was leaning on coz i was trying to read the order info on the computer next to it, and was also happy about because i was doing a lot of work that day more than even usual. and another driver complained about her doing that exact same thing aka complaining about Leaning when the driver had been working hard and i was like yep ive had that happen too like now i essentially cant use the bathroom because the fact that i keep myself busy means that most people, who have a tendency to not notice my presence even if i AM standing right there, legit dont know im there and nobody sees me doing any work coz they dont see me coz im doing god damn work........ im annoyed coz like i can think of maybe seven other employees who distinctly notice me and are cool with me and im cool with them, and most other employees are fine and decent to me and stuff but theres a couple people who are shitty including this one guy who just now was talking with this dude who i thought was a decent guy? and they were kind of making fun of me and i went up to the decent guy like hey i was actually right over there and totally heard you guys, coz i was not in the mood, and he just brushed me off and i was like fantastic. plus for some reason the manager who fussed at me decided to do it all formally right before i had to go on a delivery, and so i didnt get enough time to say everything on my mind about my Problems with the fact that this was occurring which i was absolutely going to do in full on account of i think its bullshit and im no longer in the mood in my general life to act like i think that kind of bs is warranted, but before i could talk about it long enough i felt like id said everything i wanted to, she was like ok u gotta go on the delivery and im like you still havent given me that $60 you forgot to cash me out and you're allowed to say what you want and i cant respond? i get that mgmt is bullshit and i had just been talkingn about how mgmt is bs a couple days ago but i just dont care for me personally i am going to answer back. and because of being abused all my life a lot of times i have an automatic response to these kind of situations where i try to speak back and the stress just naturally makes me cry and then i gotta be like sorry im crying its a physiological reflex i earned for being alive. and now that you rushed me out to make a delivery i have to be trying not to cry at work, and extend my cryish period by having to try holding it back, and also extend it on account of im still got damnt pissed about it like god knows im not one to praise myself beyond reason but im a good worker here and ironically that means people might not ever notice it and I've definitely never heard a good word from management about anything i do since i dont even know when and instead i get in trouble coz one day i have to pee, coz other days i also have to pee coz i have established one comforting habit to get through customer service bs where i get weird treatment from other coworkers at least once a day usually and sometimes dont even have a work friend around and so my fucking bad i have coffee i guess like apparently my fuckin problem is that im both quiet almost all the time and keep to myself but also sometimes joke with people or say something to them at all just to be nice coz other coworkers are quiet and dont get shit from people or are always in a less than warm mood and dont get shit about it. i close tomorrow aka there for 10-11 hrs but at least a coworker im work friends with and who has a similar demeanor is around for most of it or i swear to christ. hopefully i ever deliver to someplace with a fucking bathroom coz i guess i cant god damn use ours anymore without being monitored coz im not a good enough worker natcho like i just dont know how im supposed to have my bladder on trial and if managers are only noticing that i pee more than them and not that i do work all day and extend myself to help out when things get dicey, well then like if nobody sees it i sure dont have proof i did it other that remember that time we had a massive dinner rush and i stayed an hr past my shift and was not only the sole person taking food to the tables but also taking dishes back and washing tables and restocking junk in the dining room, no you don't remember because nobody was working beside me and so as far as everyone else knows i did nothing and so anyways too theres nothing for someone with anxiety who worries about being monitored and judged like telling me ive been monitored and judged and now i cant pee anymore, that'll teach me to give myself one nice thing thru-out the day. i also dont have anything to rely on to comfort me after something shitty at work and tragically work is most of my socialization and most of the only thing i "do" and i feel like im being treated kind of crap for the fact that i do put in effort every day to be helpful around there. like thanks that i have to bite the inside of my mouth now coz im trying not to stress / angry cry coz i have nowhere to put it. like i dont care if this manager thinks this shit is part of the job like i deal with enough shit in life right now to Not be angry about this. like boy you guys are really making it hard to think about having to leave this store when i haul off to a different area in just a bit and i honestly dont know about the fact that some people especially this one guy who is just a dick to like everybody keep saying shit comments about me coz they cant see me and im like fuck off. like im honestly sick of it and im sitting on the fact that this dude also has said racist crap ive been an audio witness too and said something racist about a coworker to her face and she told me about it like. management is part of what i'm mad at right now but if im getting narced on for the fact coffee and tea go right thru me then i think i have a complaint here whenever the next time he says some shit is like when i'm here i honestly keep to myself and try to be doing work whenever we need work done and apparently thats why im now getting shit and sorry this post exists and is so long but im real peeved and the only way to put a long rant from me about shit anywhere is to put it here

[ayatanskywalker4u]

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

[gayshowerthoughts0]

Donald Trump is such a big dope. Its not that he can't do anything right, its that he won't do anything right. He thinks that democrats are keeping the schools closed right up until the november election, for what reason he thinks that, i dont know, he is threatening a shut down if they don't reopen on time. Now i personally would love to see the schools reopen on time if it was safe to do so the last thing we need is more uneducated people, but its too dangerous right now. I have no idea what hes thinking, but shutting down the government now of all times? Really? God, its like hes doing literally everything in his power to destroy America. Sure we could function just fine if the executive branch was shut down, i know because thats exactly how its been functioning since the virus got here, do nothing and stroke your own ego. Hes done worse than nothing by pretending it doesnt exist, by saying it'll disappear, by telling people to not worry and to not wear masks, by doing everything in his power to ignore it and leave us hanging. Not to mention the police brutality protests. Hoo boy, i tell ya they think democrats are lining up to destroy every single statue in America, that there is some plot to all this, and his base eats up the everyloving shit out of it. Like wearing a mask is gonna kill your geriatric ass. Like Jesus Christ, even i expected more from him and i already didnt like him, not after his anti-gay anti-trans nonsense. You know the saying that only siths deal in absolutes, well i guess republicans are siths now. Not being able to admit when Trump is wrong. Doing everything in there power to make him look good, making up fake problems that make him look brave.

his entire presidency has been a big sham, they wanted trump to usher in a new era of hatred, a rerun of 1930s racism, but the thing is, everyone knows what America looks like beyond the 1930s, and the only people who wanna go back, are these old ass, suit wearing, minority hating, nepotism ass white people who "know what its like to be poor from back when they were making 50,000 a year" who only paid 10 cents for a whole bag of candy back in their day, ass bitches. You know why, because those days were not great for literally anyone else, black? Nope. Mexican? Nope. Gay? Nope, people thought that gays didnt even exist back then. White Christians who condem people for one line of the Bible but break like 50 themselves? You bet your bippy.

People always say that because he's a business man, he'll be able to get us "out of this" referring back to post world war 2 America where literally every other manufacturing plant on earth was decimated, leaving America the last man standing, meaning plenty of cash, and plenty of jobs, but thats the thing, even if America started manufacturing stuff again, it would never be as lucrative or as plentiful as it once was.

And the worst part, these people who support Trump walk around like they own America now, and can do whatever the heck they want to. Like yell at some Mexicans about how now that trump is in office they should go back home, unaware that their home is just a few blocks down the road and oh yeah, in America. Or talk about "capital punishment for gay people", this meaning people being able to go out and kill gay people themselves but hiding behind legal lingo. Coughing on Mexican American infants just because their mom was speaking spanish in America. Several of them went on shooting sprees. Being so inept that they tell other people to read the transript of the Ukraine call when they themselves havent, unaware that he literally if not attemped to collude with them. When this news came out about Russia putting bounties on the heads of American soldiers, he talked about the possibility of at the very least keeping him from coming to an event on American soil, but shut that down, and just wants him to come anyways. He did nothing about it. He talks tough, he picks on the little kid, but when something bigger comes his way he runs away and ignores it.

They say when the going gets tough, the tough get going, but now the going is tough, and Trump's just sat his ass right down.

In my eyes, hes proven himself to be a lousy leader, turning us against eachother, weaponizing his followers loyalty and their fears, and his followers weaponizing him. Even if Trump wasn't a racist on the inside, actions speak louder than words, and his actions have not only seemed racist, but actually were very racist and xenophobic not to mention homophobic, so when i cast my vote this November, it wont be for Trump.