krymlepiollo

[potato-lord-but-not]

(imagine I'm fumbling and tripping over myself but also excitedly gesturing in every possible way while I say this) hi hi for the love of god hELLO I am absolutely. ABSOLUTELY obsessed with your art you have. You have no idea. I saw you in the Will Wood tag and I was already rotating your work at the speed of light, chewing on it, shaking it around like a rabid animal and only now do I check your acc and I see there's even. GOD THERE'S SO MUCH. You post WW. You post BiT. You post Moist. You post GO. I am screaming kicking crying throwing up jumping from a cliff I am losing my mind. The way you use colour. The LINES for the love of GOD the LINES!!!!! The squiggles the writing the colour again because I am going crazy I am just. God. I am absolutely RABID about your art you don't even know. You don't even know. And you have so many interests that I ALSO have it's crazy. I'm just. God I am rambling. But I am just. AHGNJRNFNHRJGNNTNRGHRHN. Thank you sosososos much for sharing your art. Good lord.

Hxjskdjsjsk my god hello !!!! I’m glad you’re having a fun time looking at my art it really means a lot to see ppl enjoying it to such lengths lmao. Also wonderful to see someone with just IMPECCABLE taste like !! not only a fellow BiT fan but MY GUY MOIST ?? unbelievable stay winning king

[headspace-hotel]

I will write this thought about Veganism and Classism in the USA in another post so as to not derail the other thread:

There are comments in the notes that say meat is only cheaper than plant based foods because of subsidies artificially lowering the price of meat in the United States. This is...part of the story but not all of it.

For my animal agriculture lab we went to a butcher shop and watched the butcher cut up a pig into various cuts of meat. I have had to study quite a bit about the meat industry in that class. This has been the first time I fully realized how strongly the meat on a single animal is divided up by socioeconomic class.

Like yes, meat cumulatively takes more natural resources to create and thus should be more expensive, but once that animal is cut apart, it is divided up between rich and poor based on how good to eat the parts are. I was really shocked at watching this process and seeing just how clean and crisp an indicator of class this is.

Specifically, the types of meat I'm most familiar with are traditionally "waste" parts left over once the desirable parts are gone. For example, beef brisket is the dangly, floppy bit on the front of a cow's neck. Pork spareribs are the part of the ribcage that's barely got anything on it.

And that stuff is a tier above the "meat" that is most of what poor people eat: sausage, hot dogs, bologna, other heavily processed meat products that are essentially made up of all the scraps from the carcass that can't go into the "cuts" of meat. Where my mom comes from in North Carolina, you can buy "livermush" which is a processed meat product made up of a mixture of liver and a bunch of random body parts ground up and congealed together. There's also "head cheese" (made of parts of the pig's head) and pickled pigs' feet and chitlin's (that's made of intestines iirc) and cracklin's (basically crispy fried pig skin) and probably a bunch of stuff i'm forgetting. A lot of traditional Southern cooking uses basically scraps of animal ingredients to stretch across multiple meals, like putting pork fat in beans or saving bacon grease for gravy or the like.

So another dysfunctional thing about our food system, is that instead of people of each socioeconomic class eating a certain number of animals, every individual animal is basically divided up along class lines, with the poorest people eating the scraps no one else will eat (oftentimes heavily processed in a way that makes it incredibly unhealthy).

Even the 70% lean ground beef is made by injecting extra leftover fat back into the ground-up meat because the extra fat is undesirable on the "better" cuts. (Gross!)

I've made, or eaten, many a recipe where the only thing that makes it non-vegan is the chicken broth. Chicken broth, just leftover chicken bones and cartilage rendered and boiled down in water? How much is that "driving demand" for meat, when it's basically a byproduct?

That class really made me twist my brain around about the idea of abstaining from animal products as a way to deprive the industry of profits. Nobody eats "X number of cows, pigs, chickens in a lifetime" because depending on the socioeconomic class, they're eating different parts of the animal, splitting it with someone richer or poorer than they are. If a bunch of people who only ate processed meats anyway abstained, that wouldn't equal "saving" X number of animals, it would just mean the scraps and byproducts from a bunch of people's steaks or pork chops would have something different happen to them.

The other major relevant conclusion I got from that class, was that animal agriculture is so dominant because of monoculture. People think it's animal agriculture vs. plant agriculture (or plants used for human consumption vs. using them to feed livestock), but from capitalism's point of view, feeding animals corn is just another way to use corn to generate profits.

People think we could feed the world by using the grain fed to animals to feed humans, but...the grain fed to animals, is not actually a viable diet for the human population, because it's literally just corn and soybean. Like animal agriculture is used to give some semblance of variety to the consumer's diet in a system that is almost totally dominated by like 3 monocrops.

Do y'all have any idea how much of the American diet is just corn?!?! Corn starch, corn syrup, corn this, corn that, processed into the appearance of variety. And chickens and pigs are just another way to process corn. That's basically why we have them, because they can eat our corn. It's a total disaster.

And it's even worse because almost all the USA's plant foods that aren't the giant industrial monocrops maintained by pesticides and machines, are harvested and cared for by undocumented migrant workers that get abused and mistreated and can't say anything because their boss will tattle on them to ICE.

[filled-with-fat]

Why I can never go back

I’m obsessed with gaining and I just can’t help it. Other guys want fancy sports cars, or to be muscular. But I just want to be fat. I want to be a blob of lard. I want to be so big that people are disgusted by my weight. I want to wake up every morning and see fresh pounds of fat that have appeared on my body overnight. I’m beyond addicted to this lifestyle and there’s no escape at this point.

I’ve permanently distorted my perception of food. I view food as a tool to enhance my weight gain. Every extra calorie I consume, I know it’s gonna help me pack on even more pounds. I know that the more I eat, the bigger I will become. So each time I see a sugary, greasy snack, I eat it. I can’t control myself, it’s like as soon as I see something edible, my automatic response is to consume it. It’s gotten to the point where I’ll even eat leftovers from the bin.

I still don’t think I’m fat enough. Despite being on the verge of 600lbs, and struggling to even walk a couple steps before being hopelessly out of breath, I still don’t feel *that* big. I’ve fucked my brain into thinking that someone of my immense size, isn’t even that fat. And so I can’t help myself but continue to eat more and more each day. I can’t stop feeding myself greasy, calorific foods that I know are so unhealthy for me. Because I’m convinced that I’m not fat enough yet, and the scariest part is, I don’t know when I will ever feel fat enough. And so I keep pushing my body to gain more and more weight each day.

Even if I wanted to go back, I physically can’t. I’m so huge at this point, I’m beyond saving. I’m reliant on my husband for everything. He has to help me out of bed in the morning. He has to help me take a shower. He has to bring me food and snacks. I’m trapped in fat. I’ve grown myself so big at this point that I physically cannot do anything by myself, yet alone exercising. So there’s no way any of this weight is going anywhere anytime soon. And the more I eat, the heavier I get, and the greater risk I have of a serious complication. But this is the life I chose, and I wouldn’t change it, I worship my fat, and so does my husband.

[dionysianchub]

I'm so sure you've been asked this before and if so I am so sorry for asking again lmao but what's your opinion on dark/death feedism?

I've seen your posts on the fatalobesity reddit page and wanted to ask, bc you seem at least a little interested?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to btw, like don't feel obligated or anything!!

I have such a weird relationship with dark/death feedism. 😅 In reality, if my weight became a serious health risk I would immediately change my habits and lose it. I'm here for a good time, but also as long a time as I can, I have a lot to want to live for.

On the other hand, the fantasy of it gets me so fucking hot and bothered. When I look back at my formative years, I remember immobility, force feeding, and death-by-food being such a morbid fascination for me long before I had a word for what I was feeling. "Pigs is Pigs" is one of my earliest "oh no I like this" memories - an old merry melodies cartoon about a greedy piglet that gets kidnapped by an evil scientist, strapped into a feeding machine, and force fattened on all the food he could ever want, and then some. Once released, he passes by a table of food, and despite how stuffed and fat he already is, he decides to get in one more bite - then pops. To this day I still think about that and wish someone would come whisk me away to their evil pig-fattening lab to feed me till I finally 💥

Another core memory I have is participating in a college play, when I was probably no more than 6 or 7 (they needed village children lmao) I remember the primary villain being this enormously fat man of great wealth that keeps eating himself into heart attacks. His mistress, jealous of his wandering eye and covetous of his wealth, cooks extravagant feasts for him to keep her fat man nice and unhealthy, until he finally suffers a fatal heart attack mid-stuffing. The idea of someone pushing food my way and spoiling me with the sole intention of making me so unhealthily fat... I remember feeling worried at how much that intrigued me. 🥵

By the time I was in high school, I was much more aware of my tastes and desires, and recall watching things like Se7en, Monty Python's Meaning of Life, and The Big Feast; films that each depict men eating to bursting/death, and each only served to drive that desire deeper into my feedee brain.

Honestly, it makes me wonder. If I found myself at the hands of a death feeder, maybe.... Just maybe... 👀

[cass-rambles]

honestly I'm probably overthinking this, but I think it's an interesting detail that in the Unmortricken episode during the whole "trap Saw box" shit we've got this shot of Evil Morty sort of disappointed/dismayed RIGHT as we've got our Morty Prime telling Rick to "take the shot".

Like he's got the sort of annoyed, sort of cast down look for a few seconds (because right after we have the "We both hate Rick Prime more than each other either way" thing) and I'm reading way too much into this, but it makes me think that he does give a shit about Morty, despite his Very Constant Denial.

I mean taking all aspects of the episode under consideration, we've got several scenes where it is heavily underlined that Evil Morty does not care about Rick C-137 nor Morty, even being blunt about it and telling everyone to fuck off or it won't end well.

It's not that I don't believe he wants to be left alone, he very pointedly does, Buttttt I think E!Morty does hold some form of "softness" or positive emotions towards Morty.

Looking at their characteristics in the episode, I know most of the other fans have noticed that our "main" Morty's character seemed to have regressed for the ep to more of s1/s2 behavior, making him look more "whiney" and weak in comparison to Evil Morty. I think it's to point out that if we Had our Morty's normal behavior from even previous episodes of season 7, we'd be able to see how SIMILAR both of them are now.

(I mean c'mon, I get you rushed his character a little, but to fuck it right back to season 1/2 during a significant mid season finale? You've gotta have a bigger reason for it.)

In either case, it's likely that we have an episode of Morty sub-consciously trying his hardest not to act like Evil Morty (That's why we got the development regression for an episode) as Evil Morty seemingly just acts like himself, merely underlining that he does not care.

"This didn't make us friends" okay??? Then why even wait for Prime Morty at all to join Rick in his beat down w Rick Prime? Don't get me wrong, Evil Morty won't suddenly develop attachment to him out of thin air, but imo he sees all the potential Prime Morty has yet is currently wasting it.

It's sort of a little nod to how insane it is of a parallel that Ricks can't fucking stand one another or themselves, immediately trying to one up the other or kill, as to how Mortys can co-exist peacefully and work together without any unhealthy character implements. (Fun fact: If you're into mortycest in one of the comics two Mortys sleep w each other. So we've got established selfcest in canon too if you're imagining and rolling Evil Morty's and Morty's relationship into a more romantic ball court.)

Another little detail I noticed, we have a moment where Rick shoots at Evil Morty again for funsies and I gotta say, the expressions are feeding into my overanalyzing brain . LIKE??? AM I SEEING THIS WRONG?

These two have GOT to have something cooking between them PLEASE.

[hazbin-critique-place]

THINGS I HATE ABOUT THE THE APOLOGY TOUR (part 1)

Blitzo just randomly walks in. AND DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE HIM, HE'S LITERALLY THE CLOSES THING TO MY COPING MECHANISMS IRL AND PEOPLE HAVE DESCRIBED ME THE SAME WAY AS HIM, I'M NOT SHITTING ON HIM, but rather the storytelling... Like... What??? Like, make it make sense.

So he just randomly comes and goes, as he wishes??? And we saw he didn't have any problems with stealing (maybe just felt bad a bit but come on he kills ppl for living and we see how sadistic he can be he's NOT gonna have problem with that) why doesn't just steal from Stolas' house and sell that shit????? Like - he could fucking quit his job or find a better one!!!

And then he wouldn't need the grimoire, and... Boom.

Then, why is he even there??? Like - did he use his brains at all?? Like - bruv, you got rhe crystal already, so if you wanna act like you don't give a shit... Just don't come pleading to him (bird dick guy) and basically annoy the shit out of him for next 10 minutes even if you're right. Trust me, that's not how you feign nonshalance. I would know.

Stolas being sassy at him, then??? Like - if you have the guts to be sassy, why don't even have the whole conversation wuth him and sit and talk the relationship out with each other already??? Are you THAT stubborn?! That's not normal.

Also, if you really don't want him there, Stolas, just teleport him out. Or yourself. Just - fucking make it make sense. You HAVE the powers, and I KNOW that in Good Omens Crowley and Az would in this situation probably forget that, Neil even speaks about it in some interview or idk, but... Come on. HE'S SMART. STOLAS LITERALLY READS. (I know this is stereotyping but there IS a reason for the stereotype - literally a majority of people who'd read in their free time (and c'mon, even I, an ao3 monster, wouldn't read after such a fight like Sto and Blitz had - my anxiety would be making scenarios and pacing through the garden already -) ARE smart.) Don't make him look all educated and priviledged and informated and shit just to act like this mean asshole, like - does he ENJOY annoying Blitzo back??? (Also, pls shut, you twitter users who "dOn'T dEaDnAmE hiM!!!1!" all over reasonable posts when you lack better arguments. It literally IS his legal name, and if he had such a problem with it, he could change it easily... Take Anthony to Angel Dust, after all. Or just nicknames could work.) Bcs I at this point honestly think he does.

Also, you dumb, dumb, hypocritical bird, why would you show him a fucking invite when you could just repeatedly tell him to at least 'go away' or just act objectively reasonable????

And if you're trying to be so polite bro, just magic him a cup of tea, or something, to match the yours. It would nicely fit to the scene and aesthetic, also it would make you seem more nice and classy... At least I could like you.

Also, are you ignoring Blitzo or fuck¥ng talking to him???

Because at the same time, you want to have an alone time, but you still throw baits to elarge the conversation at him.

He's all sassy and makes comments and aaahhh - so you're like satisfied with the situation now or what???

I mean, poor Blitzo -

Like-

If you hate him, just tell it to him already. Poor boy.

Oh god, we aren't even 3 minutes in and I have already writen a goddamn novel.

Also, I know it's supposed to be funny, but the whole party idea is honestly just dumb. Like... I would be so bored and not even excited to even go to a place designated to constantly talk about a person I hate? Lol

Like I love a good gossip but not as a theme for a goddamn concert-having function!

Also, you know that happy people live longer, right? This is kinda unhealthy - I mean, that's just basic, no? Like don't support and feed your hatred towards an individual just to feel better about yourself, or at least don't force it.

Bcs I get the guy who broke down crying at that one shot after he tried to hit the blitzi plush so much. And the other dude was hyping him up. I'd be so much confused, like him. Like - he's going through some hard stiff, like some facking serious character development right now, just let him be!

About Martha... Ehhh, I love her new design and character, but it just seems boring and soul sucking now that every character, after they're denonised, they just happened to be the same, most generic, and shitty snappy, constantly angry and always frustrated (and frustrating) characters ever. Like - does hell really that much brainwash people??? I mean, it would be interesting, but honestly I don't think that Vivzie did this intentionally at all.

Also, why would you even sleep with your nemesys... 😭 I'm a number one enemies to lovers fan and I don't ship it if they don't bite rach other but this, especially so unexplored and just randomly thrown in, does NOT make and sense.

It was funny though lol. I want more of these just to see how much Viv's one-dimensional view of her own fucking characters transforming to hell changes.

Part 2 soon.

[satureja13]

Jack is disenchanted and disappointed. As exciting as it was to talk to Tiny Can, he'd expected more of the AI Therapist.

Sai went back to sleep again, he's exhaused from crying and reliving his worst memories. And Ji Ho and Jack decided to play a bit. But the only 'game' available is a boring puzzle... Jack: "Oh my, I don't know what's more boring. This puzzle or our therapy... Have they never heard about gamification? Or fun? Or to make it a bit more interesting?" Ji Ho agreed. Though the insight about Vlad and his own locked away feelings was interesting. Maybe he should follow and explore these thoughts a bit deeper.

Suddenly Saiwa was wide awake: "What did you just say, Jack?"

Jack: "Uh - probably something wrong? You finish the puzzle, Ji Ho, I go and run."

Saiwa: "No! That's actually brilliant!

Gamification! The Game!!!

We combine the AI with our game and make it a Therapy Game!" Jack and Ji Ho: "..." (Haha you can see how Jack and Ji Ho's brains are working ^^') Saiwa: "And not just for us - for other creatures too! This would have been so helpful when we'd been so scared and alone! And who knows? This could be a sucess and we'd make money to pay Rubyn and the others back!" We barely get to see Saiwa this excited ^^' But here some of his main interests meet, his love for games and computers - and being there for others and help them.

Vlad went back home to grab Saiwa, Jack and Ji Ho's content they'd already had created for their game over the last months and then they started their epic gathering to develop the:

For the computer game they'd planned, Jack already made the concept art and design, Vlad wrote and Ji Ho composed the music and soundscapes. They are going to feed all this to Tiny Can and see what kind of 'gamification therapy' he'll create. How exciting! (For me it really is! Imagine this: a game that also is a therapy - supported by an AI! How amazing would that be if you could see the things that make you suffer from a distance and you'd find solutions for them by doing insightful AND funny AND interesting quests! You'd gain helpful new habits and get rid of unhealthy ones by playing a game! Where I live it's so hard to find a therapy place. We have to wait up to a year -.- I do have high hopes in AI. You could go by your own pace. And you wouldn't even have to leave the house!)

After a very long gathering, Ji Ho and Jack relaxed in the hot tub. Jack's pain is thanking him. They sat silent for quite a while, lost in their thoughts. Very unusual for Jack, but his brain is running on hyper speed now. He's so excited :3 And Ji Ho was pondering about his locked down feelings. The Bond made it easy for him to love Luci. They had a whole different approach to each other. While his relationship with Vlad was doomed from the beginning (their story in (kind of ^^') short -> here).

The only ocassions where Ji Ho was really comfortable with Vlad was, when they touched and made love. And this is also a benefit of the Bond and Luci because Ji Ho hated being touched in the beginning. After all he'd seen at the House of the rising Sun in the slums of Sulani. But Luci had approached him slowly and tenderly. Ji Ho shared his thoughts with Jack: "Do you think this might be a way to become more comfortable with Vlad and finally be able to love him? And to find my buried down feelings?" Jack: "I think that's brilliant! At least one of us learned something in that therapy. When you charge the Bond later, just try a bit more and we'll see how it goes."

A little later Vlad came down: "Uhm, I'm leaving now. The Bond..."

Ji Ho left the hot tub and went over to Vlad to charge the Bond - and try his new theory... They embraced each other as usual and then Ji Ho tried to kiss Vlad.

But Vlad moved his head aside and whispered: "I want nothing more than you - but not like this." Vlad's breath ghosted over Ji Ho's still wet skin and made him shiver.

Vlad still has his principles - not to forget his foolish pride. No way he's going to have a plain physical relationship with Ji Ho - without love. There is no 'two out of three ain't bad' or 'it's better than nothing' in Vlad's world ^^' Only 'it's all or nothing'. He would do anything for Ji Ho, but he won't - and can't do that. It would break him apart. That does not mean it was easy for him to not give in and leave. Vlad really is the master of self control ö.ö

And then Vlad left. Ji Ho seems a bit piqued after Vlad's rejection ^^'

'I can't stop this feeling Deep inside of me Girl, you just don't realize What you do to me

When you hold me In your arms so tight You let me know Everything's all right

I'm hooked on a feeling I'm high on believing That you're in love with me'

Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede from the OST of Guardians of the Galaxy I

Outtakes

He will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine.

Yang Mal: "Can we grill our corncobs now?" �� Saiwa: "Uhm - sure ö.Ö'"

Ji Ho checking the mail... 📬 Who might have sent that letter when Ji Ho looks like that?

Tyalindo watching the sun set 🌅

From the Beginning  ~  Underwater Love ~  Latest 🕹️ 'Therapy Game' from the beginning ▶️ here 📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 17-22 ~ 23-28

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

If the M6 had any mental disabilities (OCD, Autism, ADHD...) What do you think they would have?

Brainrot's Arcana Essays: M6's mental health conditions

@hewwo-its-floof .... this probably isn't where your ask was heading, but here's an essay! XD I've actually been turning this concept over in my head for several months now, so you'll see what I could see each of them having but you'll also see why I haven't unpacked it much ^.^

(cropped because this is long and addresses each character)

I'm going to be totally honest and say that I'm extremely hesitant to focus on diagnosing fictional characters beyond lighthearted headcanons. From my own experience of having multiple diagnoses at different times, people and characters tend to be fairly complex in the way their nature, nurture, and mental health interact with each other. So while it's really fun and in many ways healing and validating to see our experiences and habits reflected in a loveable character, it's easy to fall into a trap of confining ourselves or a character to the diagnoses we're focusing on.

Asra, Julian, Muriel, and Lucio, for example, all have the kind of lived experiences that you could fully expect would result in CPTSD. Asra's parents disappeared while they were a young child and they experienced the extended trauma of growing up homeless on the streets. Muriel experienced that same abandonment and homelessness, and then that gets layered with his experience in the Coliseum. Julian has clear memories of the trauma of being shipwrecked, losing his parents, and trying to care for his sister as a young boy, plus the apprenticing he did as a teen treating soldiers on active battlefields. Lucio has a similar traumatic background with the amount of time he's spent in combat and the kill-or-be-killed world he grew up in. Portia doesn't have any memories before the grandmothers at Nevivon, but that doesn't erase her body's memory or the chances of second hand trauma from her closeness to her brother. Nadia didn't exactly have an easy childhood, but we aren't aware of any traumatic incidents before adulthood.

All that to say, there's multiple ways to interpret behavior that reflects a mental condition that doesn't match what's considered "normal." Asra can seem ADHD coded - we've seen them fixate on curious puzzles, completely zone out and forget what they're doing, and turn their living space into a cozy state of chaos. That looks a lot like ADHD! But, that could also be the trauma coping mechanisms of someone who likes to live with the luxury of having a space covered in their things without fear of them being removed, or focusing solely on things that make their brain happy in an unpredictable world. Or maybe Asra's just a naturally curious person who finds chaos comforting and spends a lot of time in their own head. Maybe it's a combination of all of the above feeding into each other in different ways!

The same goes for the other three - does Muriel like a more isolated lifestyle because of the trauma from crowds in the Coliseum? Does he like to keep his own heavily guarded space and set routines from living on the streets? Or are those autistic traits, seeking out a space that isn't overstimulating and doesn't require masking? How much of that is natural introversion and a general preference for calm, ordered spaces? He could be a combination of some or all of those things, but he's still himself regardless. If we were to focus on just one, we'd risk leaving the rest to fade into the background.

Julian has one of the stories in which MC plays a very direct role in addressing his mental health. He depends on them heavily to help him find new purpose and a new way to live. You could almost say that MC helps "fix" him, but this doesn't involve losing a lot of the things that make him so messy - it mostly involves helping him dial it back enough so that it's no longer unhealthy. (for example - he drinks as a coping mechanism, but the solution isn't for him to never touch alcohol again. he still drinks and has a fun time, it's his need to self-isolate and self-destruct that really needed to be addressed) He can still be loud and flamboyant and entertaining without having to pin his worth on how much validation he gets from it. Could those super high highs and low lows be signs of bipolar disorder? Maybe, but whether it is or not, Julian's wide range of emotional expression is core to who he is.

Lucio is his own special case (I mean, the story starts out with him as the villain). The plot of his route is his transformation. It could be easy to read narcissism into a lot of his behavior, and if that's a diagnosis his character was built around, it would make sense! It could also be easy to argue that his tendency to idolize himself is a response to growing up in a world where he had no control and felt constantly unsupported and ignored. But the focus isn't on bashing how he sees himself as much as it is on teaching him accountability around what he does with that. Lucio at the end of his story still has a sizeable ego, still sees himself as a protagonist, and has no qualms about being good enough for MC. However, he's gained experience acknowledging his own flaws and mistakes and it's enabled him to seek out a fresh start.

We could unpack Portia and Nadia too - is Portia's super competence and hard working nature born out of the pressure to be strong and steady for her traumatized older brother? Did that cause the hyper responsibility that kept her adventurous spirit in Nevivon way past her childhood? Does her annoyance with her older brother's struggles come out of frustration at never being able to process her own difficulties in favor of playing therapist for everyone else? Are her loudly cheerful attitude, tendency to fill her day with work, and love of escaping into books all masking techniques for chronic depression? Maybe all of that is true, but it's accompanied by a conscious decision to be optimistic and a genuine love of caring for other people.

We could speculate about the source of Nadia's insecurities for hours - what did her old dynamic with Lucio look like? Where did her hesitance to get involved and try to fix a broken system come from? What caused someone with such a focused personality to make firm decisions and express deep doubts at the same time? Does her quest for influence come from a desire to implement improvements or a need for control? Maybe her love of precision, good omens, and controlled environments are a result of OCD, or maybe she's just discovered what it's like to have her confidence shaken and this is what it looks like to move forward.

I've processed my own share of eating and mental disorders, dysphoria, neurodivergence, disability, and trauma. Some of my diagnoses only lasted several months, others took decades to work past, and a few of them I know will be with me for the rest of my life. They help explain a lot of how I function, experience the world, and interact with others as a person. But those conditions and experiences are only part of the amalgamation that makes me who I am, who I've been, and who I'm becoming. I don't care to completely define myself by certain parts when the sum of who I am is what's going to decide my story, and I like extending that mindset to the stories, people, and characters I interact with as well.

I hope that makes sense, and sorry for the unexpected essay!!

Cheers, friend -

brainrot

[oldhalloweentape]

🪨Venture (OW II) x (gn) reader ⛏️

(Two different sides Edition!)

(Picture’s not mine!)

(Request here! Hey!!! Thanks for waiting guys, I really appreciate you all for all the support— I hope that you have a lovely day!!! :DDD)

- When you guys first met and were still friends, they appreciated the way you kept both them and the group in check. It was the way you cared after all!

- But when you both were a couple and started getting comfortable with each other? And you started acting entirely different— More free and expressive? Oh my god did they love it.

- They definitely return the energy, listening intently then yammering right alongside you.

- Jumping up and down on the bed as you both have a near nonsensical conversation, the poor bed has nearly broken cause of it… And one of y’all jumping too hard leads to the both of you falling off. They nearly chipped another tooth cause of it lol.

- Is honestly amazed by how you can shift from both personalities so easily, and they aren’t believed when they say you have probably tried to chug a whole Coke cola slushie only to get a major brain freeze that had you gripping onto the wall for a solid minute (this is totally not from personal experience).

- Every night is filled with your shared chattering, with your calls to each other lasting for HOURS if given the opportunity.

- There is just so much in history and in the world in general to talk about! And they especially love doing it with you.

- You guys relate on a deep level and it’s obvious as to why.

- In general it’s fun to do things with Venture, y’all feed into each other’s excitement but not to an unhealthy degree, your mom friend side keeps the two of you even keeled for the most part.

- Venture is the kind of person that goes out of their way to make someone close to them comfortable, and they adore the fact that they are able to achieve that with you— Their partner.

- If you are a pothead genuinely, dude keep the edibles hidden. If not they will eat one whole by accident because they think they’re slick with snatching your snacks and suffer the consequences an hour later.

- The ice cream disappears “mysteriously” and just so happens to get smeared all over Sloane’s mouth, their face all doped out.

- Though I do think they have smoked more than once, and can handle a blunt of you offer it to them, sometimes you need a chill pill you know?

- Clingy as all hell when they’re high, but also spaces out just as much.

- The type to basically lay back onto the couch, arms and splayed out, giggling while looking at the TV… Which is usually turned off when they’re like this. Though the second you walk close to you, they’re like a mountain lion going for the kill— Lunging forwards and grabbing you, their grip around your waist as they slump against you before pulling you down with them.

- Snuggling their face into the crook of your neck, one arm lazily wrapped around your waist still while they rub your thigh with their freehand.

- If you try to pull away they immediately start whining, saying things like, “Nooooo five more minutes at least mi corazón, pleaseeee” pouting deeply all the while.

- If you relent and feel particularly chatty, they’ll mumble loving nonsense to you, trying their best to converse but get too preoccupied with kneading the skin of your thigh… Kissing and nuzzling against your neck… You’re just so warm, how can they not?

- You’re not getting out of their arms anytime soon, sorry not sorry.

- Naps with them are heavenly, just saying, just putting that out there.

(There, now back to writing something for Junkrat, my favorite little grease ball)

[ramenrescue]

If it’s alright with you, can you talk a bit abt Asirpa and Ogata? I wanna know ur thoughts on them and their dynamic?

Yes!

Apologies in advance that this is just a looooong disorganized stream of consciousness. Also I don't own all the volumes and bingeread most of it during a "read everything for free" campaign, so please excuse any inaccuracies!

GK spoilers below

Firstly I find it so interesting that despite Shiraishi being part of the main squad with Sugimoto and Asirpa, that Ogata is the first person out of the main cast of people to come in contact with the protagonists. If he were the Sailor Scouts he'd be in the Sailor Mars position. I don't know how much Noda had planned when he first started serialization and I don't know how much I should read into this symbolism-wise, but still! cool!

I also really like how despite Sugimoto being there (who has a similar physical appearance to Yusaku enough to pass off as his double), Ogata fixates on Asirpa due to her pure soul giving off similar vibes as Yusaku. He draws parallels and projects his brother onto her (and arguably his own mom, too) which is very unhealthy and anyone aside from Ogata can see from a mile away this is not going to end well, but alas, this is how Ogata's brain works.

Ogata and Asirpa's interactions are interesting to analyze because there's a couple different interpretations for each one. I have my own biases but always love reading all the different ways others have interpreted them!

Ogata saying "citatap" or "hinna" and Asirpa being the ONLY one to hear it, and everyone elses' unimpressed faces -- I tend to interpret this as partially Ogata playing nice and partially him plotting to trick Asirpa into thinking he's a good guy -- mainly because at this point he kind of joined the squad by chance. Asirpa acting like a mom by feeding Ogata and treating him like a newborn who uttered his first word is honestly very heartwarming.

Ogata shooting Asirpa's father and Sugimoto -- I'm still not well-versed in the whole Kiroranke subplot but it seems like the plan only included Asirpa's father, correct? The fact that he also tried to kill Sugimoto is just so funny to me because it's just exhibit 724793274 of Ogata doing whatever he wants. There was no logical reason to kill Sugimoto, but the illogical, completely selfish reason to kill him is to isolate Asirpa from anything she loves and anything that loves her back. I'm like almost sure he went along with Kiroranke's plan to kill Asirpa's father mainly for the aforementioned reason and because he wanted to see Asirpa grow up without a father, like how HE grew up without a father and eventually got rid of him with his own hands.

Essentially, Ogata treats Asirpa as a fresh test subject for his whole nature vs. nurture experiment. Before, Ogata himself was the test subject: he was experimenting by killing the people around him. He killed his mom to test if his dad would care enough to come to the funeral; he killed Yusaku to test if his dad would start caring about him instead; he killed his dad to see if Tsurumi would start caring about him (I'm taking Usami's analysis of Ogata's character at face value here). Unfortunately, his experiments are all failures. He hypothesizes (the oddly optimistic) outcome that SOMEONE will start caring about him, and they ALL fail. His dad doesn't come to the funeral, his dad doesn't suddenly dote on him because Yusaku is dead, and Tsurumi's attention is divided amongst like 3~5 other dudes.

Ogata fixates on Yusaku and how different he is compared to him despite them sharing the same father, to the point that Ogata starts a side experiment in which he tries to test his hypothesis that "no one feels guilt when killing another human and this is true regardless of ones' upbringing or bloodline". He experiences a PROFOUND failure in that Yusaku not only refuses to kill the prisoner, he straight up tells Ogata he is wrong and that "there is no way a person does not feel guilt upon killing another person".

This failure is so profound (I'm almost certain he killed Yusaku as 90% because of this and 10% as trying to gain attention from his father) that trying to prove Yusaku wrong becomes his main experiment. For this he needs a new test subject - and this is where Asirpa comes in. Ogata is his own n=1 (success?). Yusaku was an n=2 (failure). Asirpa is his n=3. It's interesting that Ogata killing Sugimoto and Asirpa's father can also be a test to see if Asirpa would start caring about him, like he's trying to test his old hypothesis while setting Asirpa up for his nature vs. nurture experiment. How efficient of him. We love to see it.

The Karafuto confrontation(?) with Asirpa -- okay it lowkey broke my heart to see Ogata saying "I guess it can't be me after all" which is just him accepting yet another failure to manipulate someone into loving him by killing someone off. I feel like someone with Ogata's level of perception would be able to foresee (bad) outcome of his experiments, but he always ends up going for the pie in the sky?? and inevitably failing every time?? It's almost as if he's failed so many times he knows he's going to fail so he keeps going and self-sabotages by going for things that are impossible. Also it's poetic that the way he gave himself away is that his irrational side that yearns for love overtook his rational side and he inserted himself too much into his bullshitting about Sugimoto.

His final confrontation with Asirpa on the moving train -- Chapter 309/310 is so beautiful. I constantly have this part open on Bookwalker (app where I buy and store my manga) and give myself psychic damage every time I open the app. First of all, I love the way Asirpa's eyes turned PITCH BLACK when she shot Ogata. And the way Ogata LOOKED AT HER right after...with the sweat oozing out of his forehead and him being drawn with the outline of his pupil (rare)!? The way his mouth was contorted into a grimace AND a grin!? Stop everything right fucking there. I think that might've been the highlight of Ogata's life. His experiment worked! The n=3 has shown him that yes, even pure people like Asirpa, are capable of killing without remorse (or so he thinks). Now he can use Asirpa to prove that Yusaku was bullshit until he reappears and Ogatas from Christmas Past come out of the woodworks to tell himself "actually you were wrong, you DID feel guilt". The Hivemind of Ogatas defeat him by reaching some kind of state of acceptance, and it almost feels like they're honored that Asirpa is the one to kill him.

Who can blame him? Asirpa fed him, cared for him when he was ill, appreciated all the birds he hunted, appreciated all the reindeer he hunted. Asirpa is very special to Ogata. Going back to the "citatap" "hinna" moments, it makes me wonder if part of that was genuine. What's interesting and a little tragic is like, Ogata views Asirpa as a source of "light" but Asirpa isn't just a ray of sunshine to Ogata -- IIRC Sugimoto also refers to her his "light" as well -- and she manages to tease out a lightheartedness in the most hard-core dudes like "Dick-sensei" Ushiyama and "Grandpa" Hijitaka. Ogata's no exception.

And I think that's why I've analyzed most of their dynamic from a Ogata-centric perspective: Asirpa is very special to Ogata, but Ogata is not all that special to Asirpa. She's like Jesus and Ogata's just one of the disciples. Ogata (and other characters) arguably had a profound impact on Asirpa's life, but her defining influences are her father and Sugimoto. Even her motivation to kill Ogata is driven not because she was influenced by Ogata, nor is she trying to get revenge for her father's death, but because she is acting on her commitment as Sugimoto's partner. What is kind of ironic and beautiful is that in that moment that Asirpa shoots Ogata and contributes significantly to his death, he does, in fact, become special to her: by becoming the first person she intentionally killed.

The act of Ogata shooting himself is an interesting point of discussion because I can argue that "technically, Ogata killed himself" OR I can say "Asirpa's poisoned arrow would've killed him eventually so it doesn't matter whether or not Ogata fired that final shot: Asirpa killed Ogata." I actually think both are true!

It can be debated that Ogata shot himself because he would've rather died than accept that he was wrong this whole time. I do see that. I think it's also highly plausible that Ogata, who rapidly psychoanalyzed himself in the last moments of his life, had some kind of spiritual awakening to do a good deed for once in his life and try to take away Asirpa's impending guilt by killing himself. This is analogous to Sugimoto ripping out Ogata's poisoned eyeball in Karafuto and preventing Asirpa from getting her first kill. It seems like there are "many" rational Ogatas (plus Yusaku) arguing against the one sweaty, irrational Ogata, and the final action of the physical Ogata appeared to be very calm and rational -- I mean he was rational enough to balance his gun just right and carefully used a sword to pull the trigger -- so the one making decisions in the physical world could arguably have been the collective hivemind of rational Ogatas moving Ogata's physical body in one last action of empathy towards Asirpa.

What is interesting is that this act of supposed empathy did nothing to assuage Asirpa's discomfort with killing a human being. After she shoots the bear, Asirpa is seen squeezing her eyes shut and turning her head to look towards the direction that Ogata's body fell. There are a few characters in the story with completely darkened pupils and there are a few others like Sugimoto, Kiroranke, and Wilk who manage to keep the "glint" in their eyes despite having killed many -- so I truly do not know what makes them different, but I do know what Asirpa's mental strength far surpasses that of Ogata's (and possibly everyone in the story), and I think her eyes regaining their natural glow (catalyzed by Sugimoto reminding her that she has proved herself to be his partner by this intentional kill) is symbolic of her rapid acceptance of her own guilt.

TLDR: I think Oripa is a little fucked up, and it's great!

[zeebreezin]

20 for the throuple!

20. Will they recover from their trauma or will it consume them?

Oh boy.

So, we’re going to have to break this question down a little bit, because this is an interesting one when we’re talking about the throuple. I’m also going to be answering this pretty much all at once for all three of them, which will make sense in a second. TL;DR: It really depends on what trauma we’re talking about here.

If this question is talking about their personal trauma, from before the New Sequence, then I would argue that yeah, they have been recovering, admittedly in an incredibly unhealthy way. Isobel’s family breaking down directly after the fall, Vincent’s […], and Laurence’s trauma following the War on Hell are still things that follow them for the rest of their lives, but also their relationship does genuinely help them heal from their experiences. I’d be lying if that extremely codependent mess didn’t have some positive impact, especially in the sense of having other people to rely on emotionally. Don’t get me wrong here, they’re endlessly feeding each other's complexes in an ouroboros-like manner, but you’re also talking about three people who are all some combination of massively codependent/starved for affection & care/[…]/insanely lonely/have very strange definitions of love. Is the relationship healthy? No, absolutely not. Is it working? Yes. Are they in a better place than when they started? Yeah.

On the other hand, I don’t think any of them are really ever going to unpack the fact that. Well. “Hey you’re in a military sun cult dedicated to a mechanical god”. Both Isobel & Vincent died extremely loyal to the cause, and though Laurence is less fanatical than those two were on a few levels, he’s also in way too deep to ever come to any conclusions about that. Especially not when his memories of his early days in the New Sequence are hazed over in affection, thanks to Isobel & Vincent. A lot of the red flags are lost on him now, and I highly doubt he’d ever be able to really deconstruct his beliefs unless under very specific circumstances - specifically involving Beverley, who he’s gotten pretty attached to. Even then I can’t see that ending well for him, and would probably only end up in him self destructing even harder. Sorry buddy.

There’s another level to this, specifically considering the fact that Vincent’s whole sense of identity is out of wack. The man’s brain is fucked beyond belief and trying to classify if he’s going to heal as a person or not is really difficult, considering the fact that beneath his charm he’s a very hollow shell that gets filled with whatever Isobel wants him to be in the moment. I genuinely don’t know if he could heal from all that without another terrible thing happening to him in the other direction, and then we’d be talking about an entirely different character.

Basically, I think my final answer for all of them is…. “Yes, but actually no,” with a ton of citations needed. Whoops.

[theprofoundthoughtsworld]

Life is a glitch so don’t fill your brain with hocus- pocus.

- First comes with the worst , I have wondered whether there is less effulgent sunshine, to shine like a diamonds but although you may see some demons hiding behind evil sign, so basically the flower could be bloom when you plant it around a healthy environment.

- Starting when I was toddler, I never understood why there was so much hate in the world. I couldn’t grasp why people weren’t kind to one another, we just acting a roles to preserve the rule of love ,obviously Not everyone has capacity to hold you, because they haven't yet cultivated the capacity to hold themselves, and at the end of the day I just didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere In fact somehow you feel like a hostage in your body approximately your body embodies the extent of society's hatred and nobody gives you what you deserve unless you serve their benefits by the way, I chose to be misunderstood in order to keep my integrity and sanity so spite of all our world is full of immoral hearts can actually use your sacred heart to devastate you .

I always say that my mind is outwit to other minds and I don’t resemble for 90 percents to other people likewise you see paradox to our community however you can master the art of ignoring so unquestionably I live in the prison of my body prudent ,and nobody can control my present.

- I can't please everybody once you lease everybody matter of fact paper tails make you feel undoubtedly awesome as long as you gambling on people nothing could covers your excitement because you’d want to cover your resentment and melancholy in meantime you try to cook pain on the pan at least to switch those memorable pictures through your head however it doesn’t work like that then you paint malicious images make you forget the dark past but unlike what it seems like sometimes suffering makes you feel different when you grow up prolly once you surf a tremendous waves you’d say i’m not a slave of secret society because the system cuffed your hands to live normally in a small cave however you ain’t learn from it paying bills feels like you climbing an amount of hills but you ain’t reached to what you deserved what a cold world filled of cowards community

- That’s the main feeling when you overcoming failure.

So essentially don't ever bury yourself into something you won't able to endure it and don't use sacred hearts to make you feel pleased.

I've realized that you can completely change people’s life by a little tiny word and do everything they want and they will still not see your worth you might ask dear reader why is that exactly, !! how come !! the reason is simply than you think when you born around unhealthy environment you become savagely animal but often you try to be an angel in front of the world until you get revealed from angels.

there is a saying ideologically « « 

[ The crow taught us to bury each other however humans being taught us to kill each other ]

So Prevent yourself from negative guesses and Present your future to a positive gazes.

- everything that irritates us about other can lead us to an understanding ourselves and brings us some. Maturity.

- Let me debate on something is important most of us know that woman is a future column once she knows her worth but many of them tried to demolish that column by feeding babies poison and guiding them to a wrong path.

- Money trauma is real.

- Generational trauma is real.

- Survival patterns are real.

- slavery trauma is also real.

we vilify our humanity in the way the world did to us, thus anyways, what happens on earth stays on earth.

[shadedsecrets]

Recently I have been thinking about the phenomena of 'forgetting or minimizing the terrible things a character you like does and treating/writing them like an innocent lil guy even though they have done some SHIT.' I am personally dubbing this 'Rose-Tinted Blorbo' until such a time as something snappier comes along. It's something I have noticed myself doing without realizing it, and then I got to thinking about why.

Not going to write a post telling anybody HOW they have to enjoy a character, because that's... silly, and really none of my business. Enjoy what you enjoy, interoperate your favorites the way that makes you happiest, anyone telling you to stop is a cop. People can consume other fan content, the ORIGINAL content... and make their own to better cater to their tastes, no one can stop anyone else from doing this. But examining WHY this is a thing feels worth-while, so hey, why not.

I am not and expert, but I can think about why I have done it and offer some thoughts...

For me, at least... I am a terrible sucker for the general theme of 'Needing and FINALLY GETTING help'. So when I see a character that I like.... who has been through it and has definitely not finished processing it... Well, my little heart focuses right in on that aspect of their character. Like, for a recent example..... Astarian from Baldur's Gate III.

The man is a murderer. Not even remorseful about it, he has killed people and killing whatever is theoretically threatening him is the first reaction he has. It is clear that this is coming from a very dark place for him if you pay attention... But the man is still a murderer with no real plans to stop. In my brain, however... well, it knows the parts that really got it interested in the character, the aspects that it wants to play with, so this gets, on occasion..... sidelined. This also showed in my early fics with other characters I liked, where their need for support would be prioritized over all other characterizations... to their and the fic's detriment.

Does taking Astarian's volatile and extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms elevate the trauma and how intimate and scary it would be to work through it? Definitely! Is facing the consequences of a smarmy bastard's own behavior really great to watch? For sure! Does my brain still sometimes focus in on how hurt a character is instead of what they have done with that hurt and the sheer cruelty they used their pain as an excuse for? ....Some moments, yeah.

Some days I just want this person I like to see feel a little less hurt. Sometimes I want the glimmer of good inside them to be bigger and brighter than it really is. Sometimes I want them to have made different choices and see just how different they would be because of that. And sometimes, I want them to be horrible gremlins gleefully causing chaos on purpose and living for it, or complicated and tragic and screaming for blood the whole way down.

And I don't think that's a bad thing, necessarily, as long as you can stop and notice when you do put blinders on. Characters have multiple dimensions, and they feed into each other and strengthen each other when they are written well! Realizing that someone is a product of a really fucked up situation and holding them responsible for what they CHOSE to do are not mutually exclusive concepts.... but they are nuanced and complicated and there are some days where I don't want to think that hard.

That's okay. But it is so much more fun when you can look at a character from every angle and see both someone in need and deserving of love... and someone who is causing problems on purpose and needs to be stopped for everyone else's sake.

[anvoo]

Midday 22.04.2023

Woke up feeling pretty ok today, probably around a 6.5 5/10.

Woke up earlier than I planned today, so I laid in bed for a while. It was nice to know that I still had some time left to lay in bed and chill, but I felt a bit weird during that, unsure what exactly it is yet.

When it was actually time to get up though, I really didn't feel like it xD Even though earlier I couldn't wait to get up and do something, when the time came, all of that just went away. The procrastination monkey really going at it.

A few minutes before it was time to get up, I started to think about whether or not I wanted to hang out and play some with Cat later today (evening), then I asked myself if it was a good idea to hang out so often. During these moments, I try to find an answer to all my questions, and it would always throw me for a loop. If I'm stuck just debating and arguing with my own mind, then there really is no end in sight, but I remember what I talked about with my mom the other day.

I remember telling her that I do value my relationship with Cat, and the connection and understanding between us, and I would want for us to not have to break off contact completely. However, it's important that I am aware of what this entails. Right now, I'm really prone to procrastination, and my lack of self-love and care makes it so that I can be really desperate for outside validation, love, and attention. These two things feed off each other, and can turn into quite a vicious cycle of "feeling bad because I'm procrastinating - self-hating - looking for validation - procrastinating via looking for validation - feeling bad for it - ...". I read an interesting article related to this,

The difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship lies in our motivation. When our threat brain [1] emotions are dominant, our attachment to others is driven by fear and the need to be validated, saved, or protected. However, when our safe brain [2} emotions are active, we are motivated to nurture mutual growth in our relationships through compassion, openness, and trust. Threat brain motivation says, ‘I love you because I need you,’ whilst safe brain motivation says, ‘I need you because I love you.’

My mind was used to connecting Cat with "validation, safety, escape,...", and without Cat as "fear of losing all of the above", and that created a really unhealthy attachment.

So how do I break free of this?

My answer to this question before was always "to think harder about it, to change my mindset by altering my thinking, to just stop thinking that way." Reading it out loud makes it obvious to me how ridiculous that answer was, but I really believed that, and sometimes I still do now. And this is exactly what the procrastination monkey wants. It wants me to just "think, be sad, think more, cope" because all of that doesn't really involve "doing". It's difficult when you're stuck in that vicious cycle. It feels hopeless, and like there's no way out. But I know better now, that the only way out, is to break one of the chains. I don't want to procrastinate, and just "do nothing". By breaking off one of the chains, the rest will fall and crumble, and that's exactly what I want. I want to have a healthy friendship with Cat, and not have it mentally drain me; I want to have more friends that I can socialize with and be around; I want hobbies and happiness; I want to do well with Uni;... All of that starts with one thing: Actions.

So, that was a good midday update on myself and my mental. I just finished eating and resting (wrote this during my allocated chill time), and now I'm heading to the library for a little study session. I'm hoping that the feeling of accomplishment (a win against the monkey) will boost me up, to keep going forward with all of this, to break the vicious cycle, and to be one of the first few bricks that'll be the foundation of my mansion (figuratively) later. The article I quoted from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/spellbound/202101/desperately-seeking-love#:~:text=In%20many%20ways%2C%20this%20is,purpose%20and%20direction%20in%20life.

[fuccman]

5/12/24

the ultimate uncomfortable truth is that nothing else matters other than what you are doing in this precise moment. avoiding __? improving your life (via finances, health, stress, relationships)? wasting time away from things that truly matter? a degree of empathy and self-love could be necessary if what/how you have been has been giving you the same results/stopping action past a certain point

or maybe its a degree of being more accountable and focusing on action - at the end of the day if you aren't making use of your time towards goals/progress/maintenance, nothing is going to change

in fact that can be infinitely dangerous which was my personal experience - feeding myself dopamine as "self-care/mental health breaks" via familiar substances like nicotine and THC. You do anything long enough, it becomes a habit. Your new way of being. But I was justifying it as self-care and that justification became more concrete the longer I participated in the "artificial/unnatural/dangerous ways of boosting dopamine instantly", shaping my brain and daily habits that would become harder and harder to break out of for me right now since I am coming out from that period of unhealthy self-love in the form of unnatural dopamine hits. unhealthy because it's habit forming and scientifically, retrained my mind to gravitate towards comfort in the form of DISTRACTION, EASY DOPAMINE THAT DOES NOT REFLECT REAL LIFE (replicating the endorphins & feel good brain juices from say, coming in 1st in a 500 person marathon race, but getting it delivered right away by sucking on a robot penis)

i'm steering this more towards present thought as that is KING, each second even as I type is forging a future that i have an influence in.

as a reminder when I look back, right now I just came back from seeing friends, I worked out hard earlier, ate clean, did some kitchen chores I usually avoid, but also I absolutely need to take action on the bigger things too. It is good I maximized a stretch of time to benefit in multiple categories, but the truly larger priority relevant tasks are yet to be done. I have fierce mental resistance with the feeling of "ugh I dont wanna do it" while cringing when I think about those things, but it makes sense as it will be a longer sustained task where my brain right now is still recovering from being used to pleasure/reward without any sustained or even short tasks.......

[ruminate88]

Andrew 🥺❤️‍🩹

I feel guilty because it’s been so many years since I’ve blocked your number. I think it’s just all the confusion of you spending a summer with me, then saying you love me, THEN you love bombed me, and you wouldn’t break up with me, but after I break up with you, you say you pretended all of your feelings and that nothing was real for you… I don’t wanna keep holding it over your head 😭💔🙏🏻 though I’m trying so hard to forgive you! It’s not like it’s anything you can change. can’t force yourself to love me, but if you never had feelings for me at all, I wish you wouldn’t have pretended them with me and spent all that time with me. 😝 My head can’t make it all makes sense and my heart won’t stop throbbing. I don’t want you to live in guilt and shame, if you have any at all…. We cannot change the past only God can, and only God can heal us and forgive us! I want to make things right with you and I just don’t know how. 😔 even if we ever did get to see each other or talk again? Doesn’t mean I would trust you and that makes me so sad. Of course, you are the one that broke that trust, when you cheated and lied about it. When you told me you pretended all of your feelings for me, it made me feel like our relationship was a sham, so fake, and a game to you. You just made me feel so stupid and like I didn’t know my own reality! Pretty much I forgave you the moment you walked out the door because that’s the type of person I am!! I know that I am far from perfect and I’ve made my share of mistakes too. (God PLEASE forgive me) I played my part in the relationship as well!! I was very very obsessed with you in an unhealthy way and that’s not love. I want you to have love as much as I want love too!! Sure, I believed at one point that I was giving you all my love and that you were giving me love too, 🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘😍😍😍 and it made me feel so good. 😊 You have NO idea how happy and excited I was because of it all! However, if you were just mirroring me, then really it was all my love that felt so good and you had no love at all to give me 😢 and that’s sad for you … if you haven’t figured it out by now, i’m the type of person that even while I’m hurting so much, I wanna kiss your scars and take away your pain. 💔❤️‍🩹 not sure when I stop being sad over you over all the pretending you did with me. I realize it was probably never love, it was probably lust for me and control for you. You probably just wanted to have power over me and so what? That’s not healthy! That’s not a good relationship and I would not allow you to be that way with me. if I had known then, that you just wanted to feed your ego, I would have tried to work with you. I tried to be a fair person with you, but I know that I have flaws. Everybody does. Understand that there is parts of my brain that doesn’t think you’re a very nice or respectable person anymore but there’s also the part of my brain that wonders if you’re OK mentally and if you’re happy and healthy. If I felt safe and comfortable, I would totally check up on you 🥰. I would never just leave you alone to suffer, at least not the way that you’ve left me alone to suffer… Andrew, I want so bad to just forgive you and forget, but forgetting has been too hard so far because I felt like I cared too much and I don’t know why I can’t explain it. I just cared about all the pretending you did and in my head maybe I also created a version of you that’s not real?! maybe I idolize that pretend version of you I’m not sure. 🤔 🥺 it’s possible but you need to know that with me, it was NEVER fake. I was looking at all your pictures of your “cows” and “farm” contemplating if I saw my future there with you… (I’m not a farm girl in the slightest!! lol) I was taking you into consideration with every plan or decision I was making. I held you so dear to my heart Drew and I realize I wasn’t in any of your plans. 💔 Help this all makes sense and let’s wash our hands clean of the mess we made Andrew 🙏🏻