#they did :D i am only on episode 3 because I wanna take it slow but it is already so <3 to me

[daily-xisuma]

[105] Gareth and J's Christmas Adventure floating in the mind <3

[iamnot-theboynextdoor]

GOOD OMENS EPISODE 1 (THE ARRIVAL) REACTION (updating as i go!)

ooooooh my god it's here

BEFORE THE BEGINNING this looks epic

LIL BABY ANGEL CROWLEY WITH HIS LIL PERFECT CURLS AND IS HE HOLDING PART OF THE BENTLEY?????

DSFLKHADKJGHADKJ AZIRAPHALE (i knew they met but i wasn't prepared)

angel!crowley's eyes are brown <3

AAAAA AZIRAPHALE DID HIS LITTLE MID-CONVERSATION "(i forgot to say hello) hello :D" shit boy i die!!!

we're not getting crowley's angel name, fair enough (NOT FAIR I WANNA KNOW WHAT IT ISSSSSSS)

also angel!crowley clearly outranks aziraphale here. i never personally ascribed to the Crowley Is Raphael headcanon, but i might just have to eat my unspoken words there

"let there be light" and the galaxies explode and it's beautiful and angel!crowley's little facey and squeaks of delight, we are not even two minutes in and i can't handle it

are those the pillars of creation??

"look at you, you're gorgeous!" AND AZIRAPHALE THINKS HE MEANS HIM AND IS DISAPPOINTED. I FUCKING DIE

godddd aziraphale has such a crush on him. kill me

i love how aziraphale doesn't seem to understand a word of what angel!crowley's talking about. when ur crush has a really niche hobby and all u can do is smile and nod

oh no the record slowing down! :( poor baby angel crowley... only 6000 years of stars... he's so sad...

now aziraphale's talking about people and baby angel is just like WTF. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M JUST MAKING WALLPAPER THAT THEY WON'T EVEN MOSTLY SEE!!!!!

"i don't suppose anyone could object to me putting a note in the suggestion box" someone's gonna smash cut that to "i only ever asked questions!" ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

aziraphale freaking out at the very idea of questioning authority. this angel can fit so much anxiety in it

"i'd hate to see you getting into any trouble" KILL ME!!!!

"how much trouble can i get into just for asking a few questions?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AND IT RAINS STARS AND ANGEL!CROWLEY PUTS HIS WING OVER AZIRAPHALE DSKJFHSGKAJSHGKJ IT'S BEEN SIX MINUTES AND I HAVE TO PAUSE IT TO GO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE

present day!

maggie and her record shop are one of aziraphale's tenants, and she can't pay the rent because of how covid affected her business - she's sobbing and saying she can pack up and leave and he's just like "well that's my fault for not collecting the rent. i'll take this nice record as payment" "you can't just forgive eight months of rent!" "i can, i'm very good at forgiveness :D" I LOVE HIMB

and there's crowley at the park! and shax! (it's the scene we saw)

"hell doesn't care how jobs get done" shax has taken over a+c's clandestine secret agent meeting place, she is full-on hinting at her own Arrangement (and probably thinks she came up with the idea!) and crowley cbf

i really like shax's voice - none of madam tracy's airy lightness, she's all business. she's also a lil baby demon-intern who is trying just as hard as crowley did to be Cool and Mysterious and James Bond-y and i love her. she wants her own spy network so badly

"what do you have for me?" "frozen peas. that's what you feed ducks." crowley says fuck your spy network

(maybe. as just a headcanon. crowley will let her borrow shadwell (i know he's not in it))

MAGGIE AND NINA!!!

"dunno who buys records in this day and age" nina is such a crowley and maggie is such an aziraphale. they are so cute

UH OH HERE COMES THE NAKEY BOY

HOLDING UP TRAFFIC WITH HIS NAKEY SELF THERE'S HIS BUTT

aziraphale doing nothing but listening to his record and pretending to conduct sdfkdsgkjdshg

MAKING MY WAY DOWNTOWN ASSCHEEKS OUT PEOPLE SHOUT AND I'M HOMEBOUND

aziraphale's "ugh" at his conducting being interrupted lmao

GABRIEL HUGS AZIRAPHALE, FULLY NAKED. POOR AZIRAPHALE, ONLY GOT HALFWAY THROUGH HIS RECORD, NOW IT'S SUFFERING TIME

"oh and it would also be great to know where here is and also who you are and also who i am" "and also why you're naked!" "who told you i was naked" I AUDIBLY SCREAMED

"can i come in?" "no!" poor aziraphale looks terrified

maggie introduces herself to nina just like aziraphale introduced himself to angel!Crowley I SAW THAT

cut to heaven - michael is prepared to use Extreme Sanctions (what r those).

love the highlighter bestie

hot chocolate scene :)

of course he left the box outside. bet it's gone

no it's there!

"either call on the phone and talk or appear mysteriously, don't do both" aww. shax is SO baby.

"his royal smugness is in trouble? that's so sad >:3"

THE BOX IS FUCKIGN EMPTY

"you're funny. i love you." SKFHDSGKJDSHGKJSDGH GABRIEL IS DUG FROM UP

(if that's the first time someone has said "i love you" to aziraphale. and it's fuckign amnesiac naked gabriel i am goign to explode)

"what's gabriel?" "you are!" "cool. i love it. gaaaaaabriel."

"no- you're, um, jim!" "cool. i love it. jimmmmmm. short for gabriel." "no, short for james." "cool. i love it. jaaaaaaaaames. long for jim, short for gabriel." "JUST FORGET ABOUT GABRIEL"

"i find it hard to forget things" "then what was in the box" "what box" /aziraphalesuffering.gif

"hello, it's me. don't say anything. ...are you there?" "should i say something now?" AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY ARE INTERACTING AND FINALLY THE TRUE DUMBASSERY BEGINS

there's a fly hanging around gabriel. very suspicious

in heaven - a matchbox with "out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out, job 41:19" on it, and muriel very nervously picks it up!

"you have three reasons for calling me: you're bored, you need to tell someone about something clever you did before you pop, or something's wrong" "it's nice to tell someone about the good things you've done, now that i'm not reporting to heaven" poor aziraphale still wants a good grade in angel

the "naked man friend" scene LMAO

"he and i... go back a long time" YEAH LONGER THAN WE THOUGHT

crowley trying to get information out of aziraphale is just as hard as aziraphale trying to get information out of gabriel lmao

he chugs his six shots of espresso in one go and aziraphale takes the plate without realising GIVE NINA HER PLATE BACK

aziraphale hands crowley the plate so he can unlock the bookshop and crowley just looks at it like "why am i holding this"

aww maggie bringing nina an awkward present and then saying sorry for bringing it without asking...

nina is in a(n unhealthy) relationship NOOOOOOOOO

"you'll never guess who shax was asking me about" "i think perhaps i will" "go on then" "...jim" lmao

"do we know a jim- AAAAAA GABRIEL"

"ASK HIM PROPERLY!!! WHAT- ARE- YOU- DOING- IN- THIS- BOOK- SHOP-!!!!!" (calm down mr "grow better") (actually don't. last time he saw gabriel he was wearing aziraphale's face and gabriel called "aziraphale" stupid and told him to die. so this is justified actually)

gabriel like (oh is this how we're supposed to talk?) "I- AM- DUSTING."

"precious, peaceful, fragile existence" scene CRIES

"if you refuse to help me then you're at liberty to go" "to go? this is how you wanna do it?" "NO I WOULD LOVE YOU TO HELP ME! i'm asking you to help me take care of him"

(is this the first time aziraphale has directly asked crowley for help? i cry)

but the pouting doesn't work, crowley angrily storms out "just breathe, that's what humans do, then they count to ten before they do anything stupid... I CAN'T DO THIS I'M JUST SO ANGRY TEN!!" /redlightning.gif

and nina's security system activates and now her and maggie are locked in with dead phones >:3 oh no >:3

back in heaven - michael wants to be Acting Supreme Archangel, uriel isn't having it

"someone's gotta give the orders" "and that's you?" "it's... all of us" "ah." "...led by me" "mm." SO UNIMPRESSED.

HERE COMES SERAQUEL AND MURIEL

seraquel's floating wheelchair is so cool

i love michael and uriel and seraquel's matching sparkly highlighter, which has replaced the ostentatious gold fashions in heaven. i love that heaven has fashion trends and the archangels co-ordinate them.

"who are you?" "no-one! well, technically, muriel!" i love themb

THE HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS MATCHBOX

michael: how do i click the matchbox

it says "the resurrectionist" on it... clues...

poor crowley in his car with his plants... and flies. "IN MY CAR! REALLY???" "hello traitor. i suppose you're wondering why i called you here" "YOU CAME TO ME!" cloud of flies!beezlebub looks equally horrific and cool. also what a terrible way to be kidnapped

"what if i said hell was willing to forget everything you did, that we were willing to accept you back, no questions asked, with a hefty promotion... if you found gabriel and handed him over to us, you could name your price...anyone found involved in this affair will be Dealt With" "...how?" "Extreme. Sanctions." oh i don't like any of this!

"that isn't actually a thing, that's just something we used to joke about to frighten the cherubs" "no, it exists. anyone found involved in gabriel's disappearance will be erased from the Book of Life. they won't just be gone, they will never have existed." WELL NOW THAT'S A PRETTY FUCKIGN SERIOUS THREAT JESUS

"someone could break into my record shop and i couldn't stop them" "if i had a record shop, i'd be more worried about people breaking in and leaving more records behind" nina is so fucking funny

"good old fashioned lover boy" playing as crowley GUNS IT for the bookshop

"oh, really? my bad" crowley rescues them and he full-on miracles the power back on right in front of them

nina's partner lindsay is a stage 5 clinger, girl DTMFA, you've got a nice maggie right there

crowley walks into the bookshop and aziraphale glances at him and Very Pointedly Ignores Him

"you want a big I Think I Said The Wrong Thing sort of apology, or can we take that as said?" "i'd like the apology, actually" sdfkjdshgksjdhksg

"...you were right" "not good enough. i want a proper apology." "no." "with the little dance." (SDFKGHDSGKJDSHGJ WHAT?????) "i don't do the dance." "i did the I Was Wrong Dance in 1650, in 1793, in 1941-" (I HAVE TO KEEP PAUSING TO SCREAM. that's both the french revolution and ww2 scenes, where crowley romantically saved aziraphale EXCEPT HE MADE HIM DO A LITTLE APOLOGY DANCE I'M DEAD)

THE DANCE. THE CURTSEY. I'M DEAD

"you were right, you were right, i was wrong, you were right" ("i'm crowley and i was wrong, i'm singing the crowley wrong song" "do the kicks!")

"together?" "yes, we do a little miracle" "i think heaven would notice if i performed even a very minor miracle" okay so aziraphale hasn't performed a miracle in FOUR YEARS (this angel can fit so much anxiety in him!!!!) and crowley just. doesn't give a fuck and does miracles in front of anybody

gabriel! "where did you come back from?" "outside" "is it big? can i see the outside?" GABRIEL YOU CAME HERE FROM OUTSIDE YOU GOLDFISH

"what if we each did half a miracle to hide him"

"...until we figure out what's actually going on." "i know what's going on! i don't go to the outside, and now i have two friends! :D" "I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND"

"no one will have noticed a thing!" and they're both so pleased with themselves so of course someone will notice

cut to FUCKING ALARM BELLS RINGING IN HEAVEN JESUS CHRIST

uriel's like michael you said you wanted to be in charge this one's for you and michael's immediately like UGGGGHHH I HAVE TO DO WORK???

there's FUCKING PURPLE SMOKE COMING OFF THE GLOBE WHERE AZIRAPHALE'S SHOP IS

VERY SUSPICIOUS!!!!

(end of episode one)

this was so fucking great!!!! i'm so happy to see everyone again!!!! god is not narrating... where is she? (she's eating popcorn)

ooh i like the end credits- choral version of the theme mixed with everyday

[literaphobe]

season 2 of she-ra rated by catradora content

the frozen forest: “aw, cute, you can turn your sword into stuff.” very interesting how adora has to literally train not by fighting any real soldiers in the horde just... catra. light hope scanned her brain and knew she wouldn’t bother to run after anyone else :/ which. is true. call her out!! she fights bots too but she has more or less no issues with them even though she’s no expert with turning her sword into stuff yet, but then catra comes out, and suddenly adora can’t even block a single punch because catra laughed at her :( AND suddenly her sword can’t turn into anything but a cup. why adora? are you thirsty? it’s even funnier because none of this is real, and adora KNOWS that none of this is real, but she’s still Affected when fake catra says her seductive “hey adora” and she decides oh i know! i’ll turn my sword into a d*ldo with holes! oh wait never mind, is that a flute? damn it now she wants to Serenade catra. that’s even gayer than wanting to have sex with her. “did you mean to do that? because if you did it’s a terrible weapon.” “is not! >:(“ adora’s comebacks are like. kindergarten quality shit. i would make fun of catra’s insult too but in her defense that’s not actually catra. so adora tries to hit fake catra with her musical instrument and it doesn’t really work so she tackles fake catra and pins her to the ground. and looks,,, low key aroused as she does it okay adora.... she’s not real please remember that.... ur already a furry please don’t also be a bot fucker “what are you waiting for? you gonna play me a song on that thing?” yes she WAS catra! that’s what i’ve been SAYING don’t be mean to your girlfriend when she’s trying to serenade you :( adora gets angry after this latest act of oppression so she raises her hand, about to hit fake catra, but she stops right before the weapon can make contact, and her face softens. “i knew you couldn’t do it.” fake catra fades and the audience finds out something adora already knew. none of this was real, and even if she had hit fake catra and killed her, real catra would be fine. And Yet,,,,, big fucking sigh bros. haha y’all ever so hung up on a chick that you can’t even kill a fake simulation of her? even though she’s your enemy? lmaoooooo anyway the training simulation ends and adora is so depressed she transforms out of her she-ra form and asks “did you have to make her so mean? :(“ even tho light hope is about to come out and yell gay slurs at her. light hope shows up and is very confused. is catra... not mean? was my catra ooc miss adora? :/ did this catra hit different? too hostile? not like what ur used to? :/ go to hell adora if you made catra into a sim and picked her defining trait it WOULD be MEAN god everyone’s a critic. and then adora is like ok ur right :( catra is mean.... but have you considered making your simulation’s fake catra one that will hold me gently in her arms? have you considered that maybe i don’t want to fight her and that i want to kiss her instead? god damn it light hope you bitch. you fucking homophobe.

light hope is like okay cool. this latest performance was ur worst one btw and adora is like why do you THINK and is like i wanna be the very best :( like no one ever was :( and protecc etheria :( “but catra, she’s just in my head” ;) oh yeah i bet she is adora JFJSJDJSJD “when you grow up with someone, they know how to push your buttons :(” that’s very true adora. but you also grew up with many people such as lonnie, rogelio, and kyle. and you don’t seem to give a shit about them :/ so i guess “grow up with someone” really means “be in love” huh. i love you but do NOT lie to me ever again. after this, we see the real catra :’) she’s back at the horde training kyle, lonnie, and rogelio. “she-ra is too strong to defeat with force alone. but she’s slow and easily manipulated.” yeah maybe for you! maybe she slows down when she fights you because ur pretty and ur voice is sexy! way to flex ur privilege :( not everyone can manipulate she-ra because she’s not in love with all of them ok :( just u :( later on, we’re back at the war meeting in bright moon. bow says “we’re defeating the bots, but more keep coming. while we’re using our resources to hold our borders, the horde hasn’t had to deploy a single soldier.” hey! that’s a perfectly normal statement right! one that does not mention any specific person. there should be no reason for anyone to respond to this by bringing up any individual. guess what adora says. guess what she fucking says. i’m so fucking done oh my god. “typical catra >:(“ did... did bow MENTION catfkakdjsjdjsjs????? i’m fucking WHEEZING. adora. baby. could u. like. chill out? :/ re catra? for like one second? no? okay guess i’ll have to live with it. adora is so hung up over the “hey adora ;)” she heard from fake catra during training that she has to repay the favor when she fights entrapta’s upgraded bots. adora looks into the camera of one of the bots and just. she just KNOWS catra is watching and she’s correct. and she’s like “hey catra ;)” before punching the camera and cutting the live stream. catra’s response isn’t to immediately ditch the horde and go kiss adora (booooooo) but to. try and explode she-ra using one of the other bots. okay. i guess we all cope with arousal in different ways :/ when the bot explodes and adora realizes her attempt at seduction did not work out the way she intended (press f to pay respects), she gets all “>:( catra” which is very cute and iconic of her. and it’s apparently her way of coping with the situation so i’ll just let her be! 9/10

ties that bind: fuck you swift wind. what the FUCK. i can’t believe adora had to go on some stupid quest with the horse all because she would be fiFTy sEVeN pERcenT mOrE eFFeCtivE with him. who gives a shit. catra getting kidnapped and tied up is clearly the superior plot here and adora wasn’t there for it?? which, i know is the whole point, but also, why did they have to put her with the horse. would’ve rather seen adora with literally any of the princesses instead. haha jk. but also, am i? it is important that adora gets over her hatred of swift wind and bonds with him. but also, is it? sigh, let’s get on with the show. bow and glimmer set out to go bring back entrapta. “let’s go get adora!” bow baby. u r so woke. i love that attitude. yes y’all should’ve absolutely brought adora along. no she was not doing anything important. “adora’s training!!!!” glimmer baby i love u but why :( why would u do this :( anyway, bow and glimmer get tricked into thinking the horde is torturing entrapta so they (accidentally) kidnap catra. bow is an absolute sweetheart who just. is sweet to everyone so he tries bonding w catra and is like “come on, i bet even the horde has friends. what about adora? :3 you two grew up together. what was she like as a kid? :3” because adora is bow’s best friend and he wants to know more about her <3 best boy <3 and catra just hisses at him because if she spoke she would probably say. adora was everything to me. adora made me laugh, she played with me, she took care of me, she protected me even when everyone else looked the other way. just seeing her would put a smile on my face. she held my hand. she hugged me. she was my shoulder to cry on. adora was the only good thing in my life at the horde. i have been in love with her my entire life. and now she’s she-ra. anyway. catra decides to annoy glimmer into letting her go, and glimmer gets so frustrated that she says “how did adora take years of this? she didn’t run away from the horde. she ran away from YOU” which. is about the most horrifying thing you could say to catra since she like. really believes that. and adora’s not even there to defend herself :( and say shit like. Well It Helped That I Was In Love With Catra And That Every Moment We Spent Together Was Filled With Laughter And Joy Because No One Else Has Ever Made Me This Happy Even When We Were Stuck Together In The Worst Place On Etheria—stuff like that u know? :/ anyway catra is like :’( —> >:’( “adora’s gonna dump u one day too glimmer!!” + “you and adora are perfect for each other, i’ll give you that. earnest, naive, ridiculously easy to manipulate. it’s adorable!” wow catra. u think…… adora…. is…. adorable? wow…. :’) djdjdjdjdjdj but yeah. she really said my gf is cute! my gf is earnest! and that’s pretty much it on the catradora front. notice how i didn’t say a word about the horse plot. yeah. :) i mean i physically couldn’t because this is a catradora based evaluation post. but ya. u get the point. 7/10

signals: huh! nothing! except when glimmer says “catra was right!” and adora’s face is like... u kno. u know how she gets when catra is suddenly brought up. 2/10 but the whole ghosts thing is cute. adora believing and wholeheartedly being scared of ghosts makes me think... catradora buzzfeed unsolved AU

roll with it: the absolute RIGHTS of this episode. adora planning obsessively because “you’re not taking the biggest variable into account :( catra </3 she’s been behind every horde plan, she led the attack on bright moon, she’s devious, she’s very cute—“ and everyone is like omg adora calm down,,,, okay fine we’ll fantasize about ur gf. so everyone is all: this is my catra headcanon <3 glimmer is like. catra is a sexy femme fatale. bow is like. catra and i would make so many sick fucking puns. and adora is like :( y’all are all headcanoning catra WRONG :( she’s sexy and funny and cute the Way She Is :( why mess with the original recipe? :( except she’s wrong because season 4 and 5 will exist one day. but she is not wrong because season 1-3 catra is also very good. adora u do u. have fun laughing at everyone’s interpretations of ur gf. go ahead and brag about how uve been in love w her ur entire life. adora is like. all ur plans suck. obviously catra would block or duck or jump up really high or look really cute or smile and dazzle u with her charms. how DARE you underestimate my enemy gf. and then everyone devolves into their cool plans again and adora is like CATRA CATRA CATRA >:( so everyone is like ok fine we are going 2 bully her. and we get this epic scene where they do impressions of catra, but it is visualized like: different versions of catra keep flanking adora, and she in that scene is clearly very seriously considering having a fourway with femme fatale catra, prom catra, and punny og catra. but in like uh.... a cool platonic way. anyway, everyone is like. hey adora. we know ur paranoid and obsessed with ur gf. but can we just attack the horde now? could you chill the fuck out? and adora is like. u wanna know the worst that could happen? fine. “i’m the heaviest hitter, so catra will separate me right away. trap me, take my sword, do Something so i’m helpless when she turns on you. she knows Everything about me, EXACTLY what i’ll do, EXACTLY how to take me out. they’ll overwhelm frosta and mermista with bots, they’ll fire on perfuma, and use her to draw bow out into the open, pinning him between the bots and the horde soldiers. glimmer will teleport in to save him, but she won’t have enough magic left to get out, trapping them both. catra will make me watch all of it before she Finishes Me Off.” which..... weirdly kinky, but okay, and also weirdly sweet if u think about it? like catra grew up thinking she was never as good as adora but adora even with her new she-ra powers now is convinced that catra is so good that she can predict and counter and overpower anything adora throws at her, even with her super-powered friends and allies <3 and she...... lets it paralyze her with fear and blames herself for anything that could possibly go wrong which is really sad and not good :( but stuff can be two things! and. we’re kind of trying to be gay here so let’s continue on the gay train <3 the princess alliance realizes that adora has major issues and give her love and support so adora is like oh nice!!! time to run in without a plan and stay true to my brute strength colors <3 and she’s so excited to see her gf..... only to find out, her gf isn’t there?????? the fuck???? she spent hours planning their fight date only to get stood the fuck up??????? she’s so distraught over it as she fights scorpia she goes through the five stages of grief. she’s like... catra’s really not here?? and she left you in charge???? and babe i get that ur jealous and upset that ur gf didn’t show up but hey :( don’t hate crime scorpia like that :( 8/10

white out: adora is upset that she hasn’t seen her enemy gf in a while so when the squad finds out that the horde is doing stuff in the north(?) adora decides that they must immediately go there in case the horde (catra) is doing stuff that she must stop the horde (catra) from doing immediately. and it works! they bump into the super pal trio! but before that, we see entrapta show catra the red disk that makes she-ra go RAGE and adora go floop. it’s basically a Make Adora Delirious/Drunk Crystal <3 catra gets an evil hate boner when she hears that the disk “takes away she-ra’s powers” and is like damn entrapta ;) why didn’t you tell me about that sooner ;) later on, the best friend squad bumps into the super pal trio! adora sees catra and is like. hey remember last episode? what the fuck was that babe. step the FUCK up. run away with me? <3 but here’s a more literal break down of what really happened: catra is threatening entrapta as she... tends to do when she’s interrupted by adora who says “catra! >:(“ completely ignoring that there are other people there who she should also greet. i mean it’s just manners u know? “it’s been a while.” is not an excuse. u haven’t seen entrapta either for an even longer time. and u had nothing to say to her? i get that ur gay and in love but have some respect okay :( catra is happy and decides it’s time to seduce her. we get yet another “heyyy adora ;)” for the books. adora starts to ignore everyone present again and banters pettily with catra about how catra lost the battle of bright moon, because you know :( she hasn’t seen her gf in a while :( and she didn’t get to rub things like that in her face :( and catra is like haha lmaooooo loserrrrr and it really pisses adora off so she’s like okay down to business then! go away >:( and catra’s like oh u want me to go away? make me ;) and so they literally. run away from everyone else. i’m not making this shit up they literally said those things and just ditched the group. and both groups, who have not said a fucking word to each other since this confrontation began because the lesbians are so fucking loud and clearly everything they discuss is personal and not an invitation for group convo, they’re all left there to be like..... i guess we should fight each other now? and scorpia is like UGHHH goddamn it. and u really feel for her u know? :/ u try and u try to ask a girl out and she’s so stupid she doesn’t know ur asking her out on a date, but her stupid ex walks in and all she has to do is run and catra runs in front of her ready to go on a date. what the fuck. anyway, catra and adora are also fighting. adora’s better at transforming her sword into stuff now so she summons a rope (ok kinkster) to grab catra’s leg and pull her towards her and she threatens catra with her sword, saying “don’t move.” catra’s response? “oh, please. you’d never have the guts.” and god damn it catra it’s not that she doesn’t have the guts! :( it’s that she loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you! and also she’s not into necrophilia! catra continues with “you know, as much as i love our fights, it’s way too cold for this.” i hate them so fucking much. they really do get off on this shit!!! i hate them but also mood!!!! stop flirting with each other ur both so goddamn annoying omg. “why don’t we try something new? ;)” yeah. something new like hmm what if y’all kissed? haha, just a suggestion! but no, catra decides to use the red crystal thingy :( haha SIKE i’m not :( at all i’m very much :) because we’ve been WAITING for drunk adora. i love that delirious baby. what a fucking cutie. but because she-ra’s sword is the one who gets poisoned, she-ra goes all angry and evil and catra is like that’s hot! but it’s not what i signed up for but also... oh lmao she’s fighting her friends? nice. this is hot again. complacently, catra goes “this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened!” causing evil!she-ra to realize she exists and trying to kill catra for real, and catra is like NEVER MIND I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS and she’s like “adora wait :(“ which is like. babe no :( babe u were supposed to turn evil in a sexy way :( we could be sexy and evil together baby :( babe :( thankfully for catra adora’s not the only one who has a crush on her so scorpia tackles she-ra, separating her from her sword, and she goes back to adora. catra gets the sword, laughs, and says “that went so much better than i could’ve ever hoped.” did it?????? ur so stupid ur gf was about to murder u and u were ready to simp for ur life. then she goes “looks like you’re mine now, adora. >;)” and like. lifts adora’s face up by the chin with the tail end of the sword. and. let me just take a deep breath here. uh. What The Fuck Is That. HELLO?????? why is that. okay. HHHHHH. why!!!! good god!!!!! i hate sexual tension. anyway, catra tells scorpia to carry adora inside bc adora’s not wearing enough layers and she doesn’t want her gf to get cold :( jk but uh, they get adora inside, and catra is once again obsessed with her. she sits right next to her and pines like “always so perfect.... look at you now.... (i HATE how sexual this sounds) you’re coming back to the horde under my command.....” like. COME ON. why is she like this. ur allowed to be evil but i draw the LINE at u flirting with adora she’s not even AWAKE. and scorpia is like. could u. could u not be obsessed w adora for one second? it’s kinda harshing my vibe :/ and catra is like hehe she ra go >:( haha funney. we can turn the rebellion’s own hero against them. That’s Good™ i wonder which of your friends i’ll have you annihilate first... and then she giggles to herself and it’s so cute but babe. once again. stop flirting with adora while she’s out cold she won’t be able to flirt back :( and then the most. upsetting part of the ep happens. catra LEAVES and makes scorpia watch over adora before adora even wakes up so we don’t get! to see! catra with drunk/delirious adora!!!!!! what the FUCK. what is the POINT. i am DISTRAUGHT. hello?????? why were we robbed. whatever. it’s still good but come on not even one scene? :( scorpia is annoyed as she should be and is like UGH just wanted to be alone with catra but nooooo im stuck babysitting her “”””””ex-best friend””””””” which we all know is code for just. ex. LMAO fkdkdkdk like this isn’t even reaching we BEEN knew. anyway adora is being. so cute. so goddamn cute i am in love. adora barely even remembers her name but when scorpia is like hm what’s the passcode to the lab? adora goes BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP and puts in catra’s super long fave number. that is so fucking cute that she knows and remembers that and thinks that catra would use it even tho she’s not even. in the right state of mind. and scorpia gets jealous obviously like ohhhh u know catra’s favorite number and i don’t! u grew up with catra and she’s been in love with you her whole life and i don’t have that! fuck u adora. even when u and catra are fighting each other tryna kill each other u can tell there’s a real bond there :( and like scorpia I’m so sorry baby I know :( they’re in love and it’s very annoying :( and i know adora is very annoying but have you also considered that she is very cute? that she is so lovely? and yeah that’s why catra is in love with her and shit :( seahawk and scorpia fight over adora and adora is like. hehe. catra mean <3 she’s so mean <3 and so hot and cute and sexy <3 omg im gonna marry her hehehehe <3 both sides reconvene to fight the bug, and adora finds glimmer vaguely familiar but doesn’t recognize who she is exactly. but she’ll remember catra’s long ass fave number. ok whore. catra, who’s also stupid, sees adora and is like guess I’ll drop all other priorities to get her! and tells scorpia to find the sword because she’s going after adora again. she’s so determined to keep adora that she.... catches a moving arrow. and throws it away. fjdjdjdjddj DAMN ok sheer gay determination is THAT strong huh. but it’s also sad because catra’s so busy fighting she doesn’t get to see adora being super cute :( it’s fucking wasted and not FAIR. catra thinks it’s funny that anyone would expect her to willingly give the disk up, because she’s got control of adora now, and control of adora means that adora won’t leave her.... which is not healthy :( but also HHHHHH but also it’s okay because their relationship gets healthy in the future and that’s very sexy of them <3 the disk is broken by scorpia in the end, and as adora regains.... conscious???ness????? idk??? her sense of reality??? sobers up???? anyway she and catra exchange this one last very heavy look, right before catra is grabbed by scorpia 9/10, except i want to take away so many points because of the wasted potential, but also i wanna add back so many points because of “looks like you’re mine now, adora ;)”

light spinner: ewwww shadow weaver ewwwww hordak i’m so sorry catra baby so sorry u had to interact with them instead of adora :( 0/10 </3

reunion: I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO FUCKING SORRY. THIS EP IS SO GOOD. BUT. I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS. THIS IS ONLY BECAUSE THIS IS A CATRADORA EVALUATION OK. therefore the rating is.... is..... :( 0/10 :( i know i am distraught too. :( despite what a masterpiece it was... there was no catradora :(

[ain-t-bovvered]

14x10 Commentary

Zeta and Giuls scream together, and then die.

Me & Zeta will watch together season 14′s episodes as they come out and we’ll do our commentary while watching.

1 2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9

14x10 Nihilism 

-I did not want to see Jack like that again thanks

Zeta: true

- And there was a need for some wings there honestly .

[ comes back crawling]

HERE

Zeta:  the bar sceeeene

-.....THAT’S A DAMN SQUIRREL WITH A AVIATOR CAP ON ( also I re wrote squirrel four times before getting it right) 

- MOOSE!!! 

-......The Moose has a tag with “FAMILY BUSINESS” written on it----lol Jensen

Zeta: What’s her name

- PAMELAAAAAAAA . Damn woman I went a bit Bi there

Zeta: OH YES.

- [Music: and I’m searching for a rainbow] .....WOW

-[on the counter] Daphne loves Fred.

 my monkey dirty brain: Daddy loves tips. 

-hot. want that.

Zeta: the tequila or the bartender?

Bitch please . both.

- D: “ What are we, savages?”

Zeta: Oh the lips

-Cosmic Cowboy. *chokes*

-FB

-why is it always a ghoul case?

-Lol but who’s the drunk guy tho

Zeta: Bitch, look at her biceps

- some Bi slippage there too I see. FOCUS

Zeta: also indeed. Who is he?

-D:”I’ve never had anything this nice”

Also....I would be like Dean if I had a bar. One for the costumer and one for me! woohoo .

- D: “How come you always have a boyfriend?”

  P: “How come you always want what you can’t have?”

[looks into the camera like in the office]

- D: “This is my dream” 

I kinda see it tho....old grumpy Dean Winchester being the Bobby while running a bar like that. Yes....I like it.

- I knew it . I wanna see someone closed behind that “closet” *wink wink*

Zeta: Oh oh

Zeta: the slo mo.

-NICE .You are welcome for this gif where I let you enjoy the full over the count jump. Nice healthy middle age man over the fence jump ( nevermind this is an italian oil ad ).

-The blood. So cute

Zeta: I’m famous

- mmm

Zeta: shit

-Hello M boi, I missed you fam

Zeta: Changed clothes

- OMFG are you saying that the Archangel Michael macVanity von DramaQueen really just angel mojo changed into his Peaky Blinder wanna be in front of them?

He’s so flamboyant , I love him .

Zeta: The close up

- M making three men kneel with so much as lift his hands.  WHAT A MOOD. WHERE CAN I GET THAT? I WANT 10.

- M : “ I saw everything”  Yeah no shit we kinda see that coming too

-DoN ‘T IntERrUPt mE 

Zeta: Don’t interrupt me

-I’m-

I’m so bothered right now. Dom Michael for the win

-OH WOW

- Sam just “assbutted” Michael lol.

Castiel : Sam....did you just molotov my brother with holy fire?

Sam: uh ....No?

- HE ANGRY

- Dean’s not home right now...

Zeta: Please leave a message

*giggling* I love him

Zeta: His voice GOD DAMN

-yes

- Castiel hair tho.

Zeta: Do you? Cocky much

-but needs to play it cool. Can’t risk to mess up the pomaded hair.

- S:” We the angel cuffs on , Michael is under control”

 M: “Keep telling yourself that “  ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

I *clap* LOVE *clap* HIM *clap*

- S: “Dump him in the trunk of the Impala” ... DUMP HIM .ahahahahaah

-Garth is in the trunk

Zeta: it’s a big trunk

-M: “ It’s a party!”

- J: “ It’s not like any of us can fly”

 M : “ Well one of us can”

 S: “ STFU”

- J:” Sam, are we gonna die here?” ... wow Jack...babe...stfu

-Yes OMG I forgot about the stalky reaper

Zeta: You mess up so many things

- it ain’t wrong

- [in john Mulaney’s Trump voice] we locked Death away and enslaved the reapers

Zeta: Poor Cas

- ok but WHO....death? Michael is asking himself that too.

-Yes , put him in the dungeon. HOT

Zeta: shit

-I can hear you

Zeta: Shit

-Ahahahahahaahah

Zeta: SHIT

-I’m loving this

Zeta: Bring back Crowley.

Zeta: We left Garth in the trunk looool

- that....everytime we don’t see a character for long that’s it...they are in the trunk.

Zeta: Castiel

-CASTIEL . so strange, I love him, he’s such a sarcastic asshole.

- M: “Yes, uh, put a chair against the door”

Zeta: This pretty smile as I rip you apart

-I’M SHAKING. YAS.

Zeta: Control yourself

- S: “Cass this is all we’ve got”

Zeta: Again?

- well it is a loop.

-MORE SHOTS.  (me)

Zeta: The only thing missing is “heat of the moment”

- what if the woman is his conscience trying to get him out and if he sign he’s out? ...like....testing his resolution?

-Little insulting

Zeta: you’re nothing

Zeta: Why is he so perfect in this?

- J: “Dean---is strong”

  M *disgusted face*: “ Is a gnat “ . WOW

-OH SHUT UP OOOOH

Zeta: Emotional abuse.

- M: “ he was not happy, but he didn’t care-- Cause you are not Sam, you are not Cass.” 

[ me looking smiling to the Castiel/Misha hateclub]

-M: “You are a weak helpless thing”

- Jack , babe ....get away tho 

Zeta: LISTEN TO YOUR DAD

- M: “no I’m not and I can still hear you”

Zeta: Prick

- Love that prick..... literally 

- I care so little for the others I swear

- M: “Look at you, play nursemaind for a nephilim”

-C: “You are confusing loyalty and compassion for weakness”

Zeta: Damn what am I watching?

- [looks into the camera like in the office] Sexual tension

Zeta: so done. this. Close up

- M “and now...that I’m in here, I know why” 

-CHUCK

Zeta: He churn our draft after draft

- M speaks like he’s singing and mocking you at the same time. He has this musicality in his speak and I love it

- C: “Why would he do that?”

 M: “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T CARE!”

- good lord I swear all the angels are just brats throwing temper tantrum because they have a trash dad.

- M: “But now , I just want to burn every one of his little worlds until I catch up to the Old man”

Zeta: Even god can die.

- oh ok....overachiever much

Zeta: Hurt Jack

- No no Jack babe...keep your fucking soul .

Zeta: Cool science project

- Michael’s mind: if you mess up my perfectly combed hair Cass I swear-

- M: “ I give it a solid B- .....uh oooh”

 me nervously: .....wtf lol 

- M: *snorts* Oh Cass, I believe in you.

So rude...so nasty 

- j: “ What should I do?”

Zeta: Pray

-Thanks Cas, that’s-......that’s great

Zeta: You are all mine

- ..... YESSIR TAKE ME

Zeta: Dean’s mind.

- ..... if it was a funny episode they could have made so many jokes about being empty lol.

- me looking around haters mind ^

Zeta: This is what you are gonna become

-omg

- THAT WAS DEAN IN HELL.

- Dean’ “NOOOO “ at Castiel death is vibrating into my bones.

- S: “Dean is strong”

- C: “Sam, we’ve been through a lot and Dean is more than strong”

- S: “Dean thrive on trauma.” 

WE’VE BEEN KNEW

Zeta: Smart moose

- Somebody has been reading some meta tumblr posts

- P: “You really know how to talk to a lady don’t you?”

 me already at Castiel’s feet : wha

- That’s us fans watching 14 seasons of supernatural ^

-Bloody Cass is 100. *licks lips*

- P: “get me a shot. With your braaaain”

Zeta: Well hello.

- C:” That was- that....DeAN ThAt WaS An ACcidENT”

Zeta: Babyyyy

- them baby faces

- C:” WE NEED YOU TO COME BACK”

- S:”POUGHKEEPSIE”

- Dean’s mind : [ old modem sounds]

-M [Slow clap it out.] : Hey Fellas

-AND THE HAT IS BACK

Zeta: I’m you

Zeta: He gripped you tight and raised you from perdition

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAH I’M DYING SO BAD.

-BITCH I’M DEAD AND GIGGLING I CAN’T.

-but also....but the fuck is Mary at?... like wow.

- also....everything that Micheal is saying right now is causing me actual fucking pain.

- Ok and both Sam and Cas faces? well thanks

Zeta: He’s buying time

-WOW. Slow smile, oooooH

-S: “So in here, you are all talk”

- oh that’s why he doesn’t use his powers. Serviceable .

Zeta: So happy. Fuck

Zeta: Prove it

- Um...yes hello 911? 

Michael getting his hands dirty is too hot for me.

-Fucking Tiger man.

-Come on baby 

Zeta: Jack will do something “stupid”

- Well he is his parents’ son *shrug*

Zeta: that

- D:” Then we don’t kick him out, we keep him in”

-oooooh M goes in the closet, lol

Zeta: Oh my god.

- ....Well that was stupid AHAHAHAAH 

- I can’t stop laughing .

- M [ROAR] 

  me: ....

Zeta: I’m the cage.

-HE IS THE CAGE. That doesn’t seem right tho...come on.

Zeta: So now Dean has Michael locked up

-ooooh the magic hurt him. Forgot about that. My baby.

Zeta: Concerned Dad.

- The way Cass say : “you understand?” killed me....so soft...so worried...

- The little smile! Kill me now.

Zeta: He’s not ok.

-Dean is not ok.

Zeta: [henley alert]

-He’s like....naked. ( still has another tshirt under it tho)

-Oh he’s mad 

- I’M CRYING . HE LOOKS LIKE MY CAT WHEN I REFUSE TO LET HIM OUT .

amazing.

( Sorry for the not that clear gifs but I wanted to cut and past all the bits of that because it’s amazing)

Zeta: He’s suffering so much.

-That troat

- That door is not that sturdy tho

Zeta: Oh hell no

- oh hello death . 

-Aw hell naw.

- Death :” Except one”

-AW HELL NAW

Zeta: Which one?

- UGH

Zeta: No

-NO

Zeta: NOOO so much hurt

-OH FUCK

Zeta: Actual literal pain in my chest

YA KNOW WHAT?....I DON’T LIKE THAT LOOK .

NOT ONE BIT.

.

- lol I don’t even wanna look at tumblr now

Zeta: well you know me....I have

- of course you did

post gifs comment: I didn’t do my crack gifs for now, but they will be done in a separate post.

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If you want to get tagged in the future ones send an ask HERE or to @waywardbaby or a smoke signal, idk whatever I’m tired af.

TAGS: @supernatural-teamfreewillpage  @destiel-honeypie   @mariekoukie6661   @dragontamerm    @closetspngirl @rainflowermoon @mattiecat   @bunnybaby121115  @aliaitee @jacks-word-of-the-day @4evamc

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 14x13 “Lebanon” (300th episode)

in which i compare this episode to pumpkin soup, because I’m craving more Cas

03:30pm

all righty, thing is still downloading, and there’s a 720p version queued up so that’ll be downloaded by the time i’ve watched half. i have snacks, i’m gonna half close my blinds so i can see, but I DON’T HAVE HEADPHONES AGAIN which is the worst. why do headphones break so easily, that’s what i want to know. (just gotta pray there’s a good sound quality i guess. my laptop speakers suck)

...2 minutes left on the download c’moooooon

-

03:35

OKAY DONE!!!!

-

03:36

“dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days”

i don’t know if it’s dean’s little baby voice (HE’S MY AGE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? I CAN’T) or the laptop speakers or the video sound quality, but dean sounds like a kid in a 1980s disney cartoon, with that vintage prickle in my ears and i love it

-

03:38

okay look it’s super hot 'cause it’s summer, and my fan is on, and there’s cicadas... i think i gotta shut the window and turn the fan off aND SLOWLY ROAST IN HERE BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR THIS PROPERLY

i’m 9 seconds into the recap u_u

it’s gonna be one of those days i guess

-

03:41

is that the monkey again?

yeah it’s the monkey again

-

03:45

dead black guy already????????????????????

really?????

-

03:46

are those kids meant to look like the kids from stranger things? because they kind of do. and the movie theatre as well

-

03:47

cas is in this episode, right??

if he isn’t i’m gonna scream

misha had a tv guide cover so maybe

-

03:39

every single one of these kids is cute and i’m offended

“weird sidekick with the trenchcoat” i am further offended, but also smiling

-

03:50

SHE GAY

SHE VERY GAY

-

the plaid though. she’s a dean mirror 100%

edit: i did doubt this for a second but nope, i was completely right

i mean, she drives the car as well

-

03:52

tHE IMPALA JUST SCOOTED OFF THE SCREEN AND I ALMOST CHOKED OH MY GOD that was hilarious

-

03:54

dean doing the puppy eyes is 

a) cute

b) FUCKING TERRIFYING BECAUSE THIS POOR WOMAN’S TRYING TO PROTECT AN UNDERAGE GIRL AND IT SHOULD NOT BE THAT EASY

-

03:57

the hand that popped out of the smoky cigar box

SUPER COOL AND SUPER CREEPY EW

-

03:59

dean: “this is like the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to you. ‘cause you love serial killers but you hate clowns”

ahahhahaha

-

04:02

sam: “are you sure you don’t wanna call mom, or wait for cas”

YES PLEASE DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS ;A;

-

“michael out of my head”

HAVE YOU NEVER PAID ATTENTION TO ALL THE WISHES THAT GO WRONG??? YOU GOTTA BE MORE SPECIFIC DUDE. TAKING MICHAEL OUT YOUR HEAD JUST TAKES HIM OUT, YOU GOTTA KILL HIM TOO DAMMIT

-

04:05

john: “now you live in a secret bunker with an angel and lucifer’s kid”

he took that surprisingly well

 a little too well

probably part of dean’s wish that he takes it well

-

04:08

OH BOY

the face he made when he saw mary sdjgfd

-

04:09

ahahah dean and sam awkwardly leaving while their parents make out

dean kinda looked like he was gonna stay, lil bean

-

04:11

the fact dean was so adamant that he said he wanted michael out of his head, but then is now defending the fact he wished for his dad back instead

says a lot about what dean says he wants =/= what dean actually wants

-

04:13

john is much sweeter and more understanding than anyone remembers him (at least than i remember him, or could infer from all the stories about him)

i really do think dean brought him back nicer

-

04:15

i love seeing sam have emotions, it’s so refreshing

-

sam kinda looked like he panicked when john touched him aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

-

04:17

there’s a sign for “castle storage” in the background and i think about that sometimes. hill of a forty dogs or something??? i forget, it was so long ago

-

ALSO WHERE’S CAS

also switching to 720p now

never mind switching back, the sound was better on the lower quality video u_u

-

04:22

oh no, nobody knows them

IS CAS NOT GONNA KNOW THEM

OH NO

-

04:23

this universe-sam: *kinda smug* “god bless kale, am i right?”

I CRINGED SO HARD

-

04:25

OH BOY IT’S HAPPENING

(well SOMETHING IS HAPPENING)

-

04:26

zachariah: “c’mon, constantine”

cas: “i don’t understand that reference”

zach: “you wouldn’t”

i kinda missed this cas though. like. i’m not even mad

ONE PROBLEM: HE’S PROBABLY NOT HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH DEAN

-

04:28

life goal of mine: have a sign like that in my house as decor

-

04:29

THE BACKWARDS TIE

-

04:35

okay first off i got so involved watching cas beat dean up (again) and dean being unable to stop him (D: D: D:) (kind of expected dean to croak “i love you” but um no....... that didn’t happen)

and then mary’s egg timer went off 

and it reminded me i’m hungry again so brb

well actually i’m not hungry..... but my body is shutting down because i need fat and magnesium to function which means i need to eat or else i can’t see, but same difference

-

04:43pm

okay i’m back

-

04:45

DEAN FINALLY HEARING HIS DADDY SAY HE’S PROUD OF HIM

-

04:46

john: “i thought you’d get yourself a normal life, a peaceful life, a family”

dean: “i have a family”

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

]]]]]] I REALLY FUCKING WANT JOHN TO MEET CAS [[[[[[[

-

04:48

THERE’S SALAD ON THE PLATES HALLELUJAH

-

04:49

sam: “did you see them, at dinner, the way they looked at each other, they seemed happy”

and then there’s the way max looked at the girl she was crushing on

AND THEN THERE’S THE WAY DEAN LOOKS AT CAS LET’S GET SOME OF THAT IN HERE PLEEEEEASE

-

04:51

it stresses me out when people wash dishes but only rinse using the dirty water not fresh tap water

-

04:53

they’re about to send john back, he’s holding mary’s hand

all the rainbows behind dean’s head

betcha he’s thinkin about cas

-

04:56

john: “i love you both, so much”

dean...................

-

“i love you too”

OH MY HEART

he says it ......he never used to say it to anyone

-

04:59

YEEEEE

BUT ALSO THIS ONLY LASTED 0.5 SECONDS WHY

but also???????

TALL GUY = SAM

PLAID GIRL = DEAN

COAT GIRL = CAS

IS ANYONE ELSE GETTING THIS

WHY DIDN’T THIS SHOT LAST LONGER SO PEOPLE WOULD BE ABLE TO SEE WITHOUT PAUSING

CURSE YOU EDITORS

-

05:02

so....... that end scene where john’s like “i’m on my way back, i’ll see you soon”

was that meant to be in the past, 2003 era? the flip phone would say so, but his visible age kind of confuses matters

i mean i get that it’s hard to make someone look 16 years younger

but still

unsure about that

-

05:04

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm it’s over

i dunno

that was definitely a special and important episode, and i appreciated seeing this side of john, this is gonna make it way easier to write fanfic of him without the story ending up as a trauma survival fic

but

i was kind of underwhelmed

things i rEALLY REALLY WANTED that didn’t happen:

john actually reacting to dean saying they made friends with an angel (and a werewolf, a vampire, demons, etc etc)

john meeting cas

cas being part of that family meal (i get that the point was he was 2003!cas and not there, but still)

jack being in this even a little bit??

and as the story went on and reached the end, what it really lacked, for me, was a comparison where we can then see how john/mary & max/her crush = dean/cas...........and that just didn’t happen

i think it just ended too soon, really

and there was a lot more they could’ve done with the altered timeline, could’ve brought a whooooooooole lot back from past seasons and just made it a smorgasbord of nostalgia

i get that it was focused solely on john, which gave it an emotional core, so there’s not actually a problem there, i loved that

but it felt kind of dull and slow and....... soupy..........?

(i just mean. the emotional feeling in my brain as i think about it. feels like soup. specifically pumpkin soup. warm and spicy and goopy and nutritious but ultimately not very filling)

then again, if the pacing had been sped up, i would’ve complained it was too rushed. so there’s no winning, it was probably fine ?

i think my favourite part was the kids. i loved the kids. i love the lil gay romance going there. i loved the fact it was a destiel/team free will parallel (even if that part of it was OVER SO DAMN QUICKLY MOST PEOPLE MISSED IT). i loved the kid in the hat, he reminded me a lot of the actor thomas brodie-sangster, and also johnathan byers from “stranger things”

also enjoyed sam vs. the serial killer clown, and that whole aspect of hunting that we haven’t seen in a while, felt very nostalgic

also enjoyed 2003!cas, but was both distressed and frustrated by him fighting dean and then NOT GETTING ANY CLOSURE ON THAT WHATSOEVER. the point was to make dean and sam realise they really needed to send john back, so essentially, in some respect, they did choose cas being their friend over john being around, but that part of the overall problem was never mentioned at all, cas wasn’t mentioned at all after the fight

i’m just looking forward to coda fics that start where this episode leaves off, and dean talks to cas, because i am craving that SO FUCKING BADLY i can’t even express. like. it’s becoming maddening. i just. want. them. to have. a conversation

and the black guy dying at the start?? and the other black kid running away from the ghost and never being seen again? and besides the unnamed diner guy offering info on skip day, being the ONLY PEOPLE OF COLOUR IN THE ENTIRE STORY??? NOT COOL, not a fan >:{ (still better than it used to be, but soooooooooo many white people. so many. so. many)

anyway. um

so that wasn’t my favourite episode, but not because it was bad, but because it didn’t live up to expectations. i tried not to have any expectations (i really tried) but there were just... basic things this episode needed that i felt it was lacking (*cough* cas *cough*), and i can’t really shake that feeling

HOWEVER, having seen 2003!cas be the thoughtless drone that he was, i can appreciate just HOW MUCH character development has happened while he’s been around, which.... i suppose, is a sort of nod to his entire existence ???

anyway, 9/10, and a big ol shrug

but yeah. seeing john be kind and understanding was amazing (and completely changes how i’m gonna write him in my fics in the future, since he’s probably gonna be in the fic instead of just mentioned) and having him say he’s proud of dean and he loves him was just a super nice treat c:

sam being emotional is the best, too. sam confronting his feelings 10/10

i just. i want aaaaaall of this. but with cas. i really want that. so goddamn much. ;~;

[themanicgalaxy]

SPN 7X1 Meet the New Boss

OOO I LIKE THE CLASSIC ROCK AMV

listen I'll give them this, so much bullshit happens in each season that "the road so far" amps actually...make sense

look it's up for grabs how much is genuinely good but still

oooo it's Godstiel hours

also damn why am I so exhausted all the time

Bobby figures might as well

the exploded angel in the back

he sounds like old Cas

"once, you were my favorite pets" whoop

man...he's kinda a dick

he just poof out

boy they're all trying to get out of this alive

to be fair, Dean did try

and Cas did notice it

man imagine you're an angel and your little sibling goes "I'm in charge now"

oh jeez

that's so many dead angels

listen, is Cas...coherent? no

but having Sheer Power is also fucking cool

aw man not the impala

the look, he snaps, then apologizes

oh that was neat

he at least took SOME accountability

ah yes, the car

you can fix the car

oh

OH DEAN GREW HIS HAIR OUT, JUST A LIL

IT LOOKS GOOD

Dean please examine the things going on please

I

Can't believe this is supposed to be his villain arc

HE SAID GAY RIGHTS HOW IS THAT BAD

THE STAINED GLASS ADDITION IS NEAT

Sam is doing great

YOUNG AND SEXY ANGEL

I don't know why that's so funny

SERIOUSLY NO KU KLUX KLAN

THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING

look I get Dean's a shit but to be honest, so is Cas

like they're both kinda bad at talking

CROWLEY

Shit his vessel is breaking down

Yeah Sam's not doing so hot

"I should do this professionally" :(

"I pray to god that it's true" "wow we need something new for that" ahdaha

I mean true, you do never catch a break

listen season 7 dean looks great

SPORT

BOBBY I LOVE YOU

"unfortunately I lost my god gun"

CROWLEY GOT HIM

Dean looks good again

CROWLEY IS MAKING IT THROUGH SO MUCH ALCOHOL

Horsepower

they're absolutely fucking crazy oh my god

yknow I feel like if your scale is fucked, then you're crazy

well...this does feel ableist a bit, but

oh JEEZ CAS LOOKS BAD

the souls want out huh

also yes is he killing people, but like also it's kinda justified

you fucking morons

ah yes lil Operation here, time to steal the lightening

Sir please

Dean you can't lie for shit

the smash cut from "he has the gun" to "he's tied up" is so funny

I like the lil acknowledgement that they're Dangerous

seriously he's the pissiest horseman and YOU KEEP CALLING HIM

I like what the binding looks like though

"We need you to kill god" oh my god

"we said so and we're the boss of you" D E A N

oh boy here's Castiel

ah leviathans

here's the bad guy for this season

the blue eyes, red, is good

oh he LOOKED AT DEAN! DEAN'S THE AUDIENCE

ok the unsnapping was good

and he just leaves?

and Death stays?

Cas is...doing great

Death's conversation undid him

He's unraveling

Dean you talk to him he likes you

well like is a strong word

I love him

"you're annoying but Cas is even more annoying"

hE JUST MAKES AN EXLIPSE

"clean up your mess"

NiCe PicKlE ChiPS

I love him!!!

oh that's a lot of blood

Dean is not having a good time

Yeah he's taking this Real Well

the Cas thing hit him more than all the other huh I wonder why

THE SMILE TO THE CAMERA OH BOY

ah the porn of course

Sam!! it workeD!!!

ok I see the sastiel

yeah it fucked him up

aw he's apologizing

"I wanna make amends...is it working?"

"no"

oh that HURT

it's way more loaded with them

Lucifer is playing the mind games

Sam has lost himself to madness

boy he's swaying isn't he

DEAN FUCKING HOLDS HIM UP

LOOKS AT D EAN

DEAN

oOO VISUALS

"maybe angels don't need to breath" "He's gone dean" AWW :(

it zaps away

HE'S SO HAPPY WHAT THE FUCK

DEAN IS SO HAPPY?? OH MY GOD??

"I really overreached" "you think"

"one thing at a time" aww

HE TELLS THEM RUN

SHIT LEVIATHAN CAS TIME BABYYYYYYy

oh this is gonna be fun

OH HE SAID IT TOO

OOO THE LAUGH OUTRO

shit this was actually good episode damn

ok

1. destiel. Ok listen. my favorite moment is when death is talking to God!Cas, and he keeps glancing at Dean. Like the point he's trying to prove is towards DEAN! the person of the three that Cas cares about the opinion of is Dean, so that's who death inclines his head towards. There's also Dean giving up and drinking, there's the "I'm sorry," sPECFICIALLY to Dean because yknow, profound bond. They talk like Bobby's not even in the room. Damn

2. just Cas in general. See, I think you can argue "right thing, wrong reasons" or moreover, struggling with an absent father(god) and trying to become him. He was thrust into leadership and found a way to handle it that was not great. I was on board, mainly cuz it's fun to see the Angel Man use like...actually more than 1% of his power. Also again, he kinda knows something's wrong, but this is the only solution he's got. IF anyone questions it, the flimsiness will show, so he doesn't let people question it, and pretends he has the answers. He wants AN answer so he picks the one he can get. Like he was sent on a TAILSPIN when death unraveled his plans, because he knows it's fucked and Death's an authority figure. Quite interesting

3. Sam and cas. OK, I was thinking, and like. Of the three, both Sam and Cas have been Burdened with Glorious Purpose. They're probably in the best position to understand each other in terms of what to do with a role to play in a destiny, and feeling lost, and absent fathers, etc. Like I think that's partially why Sam was still on board about trying to reach out to Cas, because they're similar and Sam tends to project. But still! interesting that he did come that time!

4. Sam in general. Mans is FUCKED! and I have no idea where he is, but I'm glad that we're getting a LITTLE of him being affected by hell, whereas for Dean we got not that much. Like the fact that he's paranoid lucifer did it on purpose and he'll get out? nEAT!!

5. Obligatory Dean simping. This is just a post to say in the non grainy filter, with his longer hair, mans looks GOOD. he looks SO good WOw

6. ooo the vibes. Like the stained glass window, Crowley losing it with his alcohol in a trailer while drawing all the symbols for angel repellent, the healing the blind(yes that felt ableist, but like that was definitely imagery they were going for), the red, dilapidated vessel and blue eyes, the eyes glowing when he was returning the souls to purgatory, Death with his food and the cane and the bindings. This episode had solid vibes man.

7. fucking death. Oh yeah. Death is so funny. He's got his own moral system that largely seems to be f u c k y o u. He's the oldest, the most arrogant, but kinda deserved, and for all he says, he does seem to respect Dean, which is kinda cool. Also he forces them to like.Actually do things and clean up their mess and not be whiny all the time(I'm attributing this to the Individualistic American-ness, which is why Bobby kinda has it too), and it's nice to have that check sometimes. And the man's vibes are On Point

8. crowley. I just like him slowly losing his shit over the course of the episode. Like that second time he was summoned, he looked significantly shittier than before

9. oh also Leviathan cas. That man was onscreen for like a minute, and he was a snarky bastard, played with SO much more energy than Cas. Oh my god I'm so excited. Like I said "this is gonna be fun" and then a second later, so did the leviathan. He's unhinged and I'm intrigued. Because the thing with Godstiel is that he was unhinged but with morals, which yknow, struggle with, etc etc. This man is just evil.

and like yeah, I know season 7 is largely disappointing and this episode promises things that won't be delivered but yknow what, I like what was given. This was GOOD

10. oh and needle drop. These boots are made for walking for crowley's slow breakdown? perfect. I wanted more

[restless-n-relentless]

Chapter 3 of my Jackson/JB Fanfic is out. 😉

Jackson keeps one hand in Eva’s thick hair and continues to massage her scalp while he brings his other hand up to her angular, brown face that is still slightly stained with yesterday’s makeup. He traces her cheekbones then her big, pink lips with his fingertips while maintaining the kind of eye contact you only give to someone you are about to make sweet, nasty love to. “Ooh, he is about to thrax this ass!” Eva can’t help but to eagerly think.

As he traces her lips, Eva sticks her tongue out to lick the tip of his thumb then starts sucking on his pointer and middle fingers slowly with every intent to suck on another part of his body. Jackson’s eyes widen and his mouth opens slightly; he has never had anyone do this to him. Once Eva has sucked every finger on his hand, she looks up and notices the look on Jackson’s face is one of both shock and amazement.

“What?” She asks him, suddenly self conscious of what she just did to him.

Jackson blinks quickly at her and stumbles on his words. He doesn’t even get to properly formulate a complete sentence. Instead, he just ends up saying “Wow, uh...Uh-huh. Hmm...Yeah so uh.”

Eva laughs at his horrendous effort of putting that sentence together. “Do you like when I do that?”

Jackson usually reeks of confidence and sexiness, but Eva just threw him off guard and he doesn’t know how to answer her. So, instead of talking, he kisses her. It was the best kiss Eva has ever had and it leaves her speechless. She’s kissed a few frogs before and senses that Jackson isn’t another frog, instead, he is a prince.

The kiss is far more innocent than what they had just been doing and it surprises Eva that she could feel so much emotion from a kiss with a total stranger. Eva wonders if Jackson feels the same way or if he is just going to play her; after all, he can have whoever he wants and Eva believes he deserves better than her. Jackson kisses Eva like she’s not just anybody, though, and this makes her heart flutter with anticipation and desire. Nobody has ever kissed Eva like this before. Eva’s excitement begins to wane as the reality of the situation sets in. She’s kissing a stranger and thinking about if he has feelings for her. Why the hell would he have feelings for her?

Eva’s insecurities get the best of her so she pulls back from the kiss and puts some distance between her and Jackson. She really needs to get back home to wash up, get herself together, then meet up with Jael to tell her all that’s been going on in the past 24 hours. Jael is going to shit a brick when Eva finally spills the tea!

“Hey, um can you take me back home?” Eva asks Jackson while avoiding eye contact with him and checking the time on her phone. After seeing that it is still early in the morning, Eva gets a small sense of relief knowing that she will have all day to hang out with Jael and Camden and to get herself ready for the work week.

“I can take you wherever you wanna go, Eva” Jackson replies while reaching for her wrist and attempting to pull her back closer to him. Eva’s body stiffens up as she remembers that the wrist Jackson just grabbed is the same one both D and Ryan have grabbed before. She takes a couple of deep breaths and reminds herself that Jackson is neither D nor Ryan. Jackson notices her body stiffening up and loosens his grip on Eva because he knows what it’s like to have someone invade his personal space.

As Jackson continues to watch Eva and hold onto her as lightly as he can, he recalls the countless times he and his Got7 bandmates have gotten mobbed, grabbed, groped, kissed, and even stalked by sasaengs back in Seoul. There is one occurence in particular that pops into Jackson’s head in this moment…

It was a beautiful day with a clear, blue sky. May 15, 2017, a day Jackson Wang will never forget no matter how hard he tries. Although the weather was perfect for him to go with JB, Yugyeom, BamBam, Junior, Mark, and Youngjae, Jackson decides to stay home to practice for an audition on an American TV show and talk to his mom.

Jackson stands facing his floor length mirror and rehearsing the corny ass lines in the package his manager sneaked to him the previous evening. “But I love you, Maria. You’re the only one for me.” Jackson dramatically drops to his knees and punches the ground before beginning to fake sob. “Well, that was bad.” He says to himself out loud. He huffs a heavy sigh at his own bullshit dramatic acting and stands back up.

He straightens his spine and makes the most convincing “my-heart-is-broken-please-forgive-me-Maria” face at himself in the mirror as he tries to put himself in his character, Pierre’s, shoes. “But...I love you, Maria. You are the only one for me.” Jackson restates to himself in the mirror while emphasizing the words “love” and “only”. He totally kills the two lines and decides to give himself a break since he’s been going at this script for the past three and a half hours.

Jackson throws on his black Nike slides and a light cardigan so he can take a brief stroll outside around the neighborhood while he calls his mom. As Jackson gets to the front door, he realizes that JB has his house key, so he unlocks the back door and locks the front door of the flat right before he heads out.

As soon as Jackson steps outside, he hears his phone ringing with his mom’s custom ringtone and grins.

Mama, Mama you know I love you

Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart

Your love is like tears from the stars

Mama I just want you to know lovin' you is like food to my soul

“Hi, Mommy!” Jackson enthusiastically greets his mom. He’s been wanting to call her all day to tell her about the new script his manager gave him and how excited he is to be starting his acting career in America. “How are you? Have you eaten today?”

“Hi, Jackson! Mama is fine, just missing you. Yes, your dad and I went out for lunch not too long ago. Have you eaten? Are you taking care of yourself?” Jackson’s mom knows that Jackson is growing tired of his fast-paced lifestyle and that he often forgets to take care of himself. She wishes she could physically be there to help him, but these daily phone calls are the best she can do for now.

“Yes, Mommy I am taking care of myself and I did eat earlier. I have great news that I was just about to call and tell you about but you beat me to it. Remember that American show I told you I really like and want to be on?” Jackson hurriedly asks his mom.

“Of course, I remember that show. You made me binge watch it and tell you what I thought about every episode!” Jackson’s mom giggles a bit at Jackson’s excitement and love for the American soap-opera.

“Well my manager gave me a copy of the script so I can audition for the role of this new character named Pierre and I’ve been practicing for the audition all day!”

“Jackson, that is amazing! You make your family proud everyday. I know you will get the role, baby. How does everyone else feel about this? How will this work out with you being a member of Got7?” Mama Wang asks these questions but already knows the answer and is both thrilled and fearful for the outcome of Jackson taking on this role.

“Thank you, Mommy. They don’t know yet and I don’t want to tell them until I know if I have the role or not. I haven’t thought that far ahead but I know everything will work out.” Jackson runs his hand through his hair and pulls slightly at the ends as he starts to feel his anxiety level heighten. He knows that him getting this role will piss off his fans and band members and lead to broken relationships with them all.

“That’s something for you to think about. This could be a big move for you but will hurt others’ feelings, so be mindful of that. I love you very much and will talk to you later.”

“I love you too, Mommy.” Jackson ends the phone call and decides to continue his stroll through the neighborhood for a few more minutes. He wants to soak up as much sun as he can without anyone telling him to use an umbrella to keep his skin “pure” and white. Jackson has a natural brown to his skin and hates when his manager and stylists make him do things to lighten his natural color.

As Jackson continues his slow, peaceful stroll he starts to imagine what life is like in America. He has a fantasy of living an open life and being able to freely express himself without being judged the way he has been in South Korea. He loves South Korea and all his fans, but he yearns for America and all Her glory. He can become a famous, well-respected actor, dancer, and rapper; he can be any and every thing he wants to be. He can finally get tattoos, let his beard grow out, and get tanned without getting shit from everyone around him. Crazy how he is already in love with a country he has never lived in. Hopefully things will work out and America will be good to him.

As Jackson wraps up his fantasizing thoughts of America, he heads back to the band’s flat about a mile from where he currently is. He walks and hypes himself up to finish reading his copy of the script and reaches the flat in no time. He remembers the little door trick he did before leaving the apartment and walks through the passageway between the band’s building and the one adjacent to theirs so he can reach the back door.

Everything looks normal and the neighborhood they live in is known for having secure entrance and exit points, so Jackson feels perfectly fine leaving the back door open- after all, he left the apartment for less than an hour, so there is no way someone would sneak in and do anything crazy in such a short time. Jackson walks into the flat through the back door and slips off his Nike slides to avoid tracking any dirt or grass onto the carpeted floors. He stretches and yawns before making his way back to his bedroom to read his script in solitude.

While flipping through the script to find the line he left off on, Jackson gets goosebumps and an eery feeling washes over him. He starts to feel someone watching him and freezes where he stands, contemplating his next move. He slowly puts the script back down and reaches into his pocket for his cell phone to call for help. Before he can get his cell phone out, something-or someone- hits him in the back of his head with a hard object.

After being knocked out for some time, Jackson wakes up thinking that he had a weird dream. If only this were a dream…

Jackson tries to sit up in his bed but realizes that his wrists and ankles are bound to his bed! “Help! Please, somebody help me!” Jackson screams at the top of his lungs but knows nobody will hear him because nobody is home.

As Jackson’s breathing quickens and his heart starts to pump blood faster and faster, he starts to regret staying home instead of going out with his bandmates. He starts to look around the room for clues as to who the hell would put him in this situation. “I bet it’s BamBam and Mark doing a stupid prank on me.” He thinks this calming thought but it does nothing to minimize the fear that is building up inside of him. Out of nowhere a sweet, yet creepy, voice shuts up his thoughts and throws the whole prank idea out the window.

“Oppa! I love you so much and just HAD to have you for myself. Don’t make a sound, okay? Shhh” a short girl says to him in a precious voice that would have awed him if he had not been hit in the head and bound to his bed this way and if she did not have a creepy Lolita mask on.

“My name is Lola and now it’s time for fun!” Lola cutely giggles as she pulls out a pair of blood-red sharp scissors with twelve-inch blade on them and snaps them open and closed while covering the mouth on the Lolita mask and giggling behind her hand like a cute little Anime schoolgirl.

“Please don’t do this! You can take all my money, anything you want! Just please don’t hurt me.” Jackson pleads with the psychotic Lola to no end.

“Do what, Oppa? We’re just going to have fun. I promise you’ll like what I do to you.” Lola replies while she climbs on top of him to straddle his waist. Her tiny blue skirt with frills on the end rises to show her upper thigh, revealing a red tattoo that says “to rebel” in Chinese and Jackson wonders what made her want to get that specific tattoo. He closes his eyes for a few seconds as he feels Lola run her fingers through his hair… then sniffs his hair. She takes in a deep breath then slowly lets it out while moaning loudly.

“You smell better in real life than you do in my dreams.” Lola pulls away from Jackson’s hair then brings her face centimeters away from his as she lifts her mask above her mouth and begins to lick him. She licks his eyebrows, his eyelids, his high cheekbones, his nose, then finally his lower lip. In this moment, Jackson just closes his eyes and wishes, hopes, prays that this is all a creepy nightmare. If only he could pinch himself awake from this mess.

In two quick movements, Lola gets off of Jackson and hops off his bed. “Great, maybe that’s all she wanted.” Jackson tries to calm himself down with reassuring thoughts that Lola is just some crazy saesang that wanted to smell him and lick his face. Those hopeful thoughts went right out the window once he sees Lola pick up what looks like a burner phone, click a few buttons on it, then put the phone up to her ear.

“He’s right where we want him. Come now before anyone comes back home. Yeah, THE Jackson Wang is on the bed right now! Okay, bye.” Her voice is slightly muffled by her creepy Lolita mask, but Jackson could understand every word she says. Lola hangs up the phone then turns around to look at Jackson.

“Oppa, I have a friend who loves you just as much as I do and she’s coming over now!” Jackson’s eyes are still closed and he starts to think of the one person who can calm him down no matter what the situation is- his mom. He recalls the time when she and his father visited him in Korea during his time on Roommate and the feeling he got when he saw them both. The tearful reunion between him and his parents always makes him feel a thousand times better.

“Oppa, open your eyes!” Jackson hears the command from a new voice that must have entered the room while he was focusing on the memory of his beautiful mom and loving father. Jackson knows he has no choice but to open his eyes and deal with what is happening to him as best as he can, so he slowly opens his eyes to see the last thing he ever thought he would see.

Lola is standing next to a slim, slightly taller girl in a Momo mask- they are both holding the same blood-red pair of sharp scissors and wearing matching outfits. “What the fuck is going on?!” Jackson can’t help but freak out as he yells at them and attempts to free his hands and feet from his bed.

“Shhh. It’s okay! We’ll take good care of you. My name is Mona by the way.” Lola’s creepy friend says in the most deceptively soothing voice Jackson has ever heard. Mona’s attempt to calm him down just made him freak out even more, so he starts to look around for any kind of distraction or tool that could get him out of this predicament. Looking around just makes things worse as he notices that Mona brought a big, black duffle bag that is likely full of tools to fuck him up.

Lola notices Jackson eyeballing the duffle bag and decides it’s time for her and Mona to have some fun, so she plops the duffle bag onto the end of Jackson’s bed right by his feet. She pulls out a thick whip made of what looks like human teeth, a ball gag, a huge vibrator, a bottle of lube, and an old-school recorder and tripod.

Right before using every tool they pulled out of the duffle bag on Jackson and recording one of the most agonizing moments of his life, Lola walks to the head of Jackson’s bed to cut off a piece of his hair as a souvenir. She sniffs his hair one last time, then lifts her mask again to kiss him on the lips leaving his covered in the sweet, sticky substance of her lip gloss then whispers ever so sweetly to him “I love you, Oppa. Never forget me, okay.” Mona walks up to Jackson, takes one of his hoop earrings as her personal keepsake and says nothing at all before she strips him of his clothes and his manhood.

“...that movie that just came out. You wanna come with?” Eva asks Jackson as he snaps back to reality. He has no idea what she has been saying this whole time, so he just agrees and says “Yeah, sure. I’d love to.” Eva gives him a half smile and wonders where he went in those moments she was talking to him. She can tell something is weighing heavily on his mind and wants to dig deep to find out but decides to save the investigative questions for another time. For now, she just needs Jackson to take her home so she can do her morning routine and get hyped off of her Bad Bitch Anthem.

[imagines-hoarder]

A Family Divided- Thomas Shelby

Request// Hey could i please request a tommy shelby imagine where it's at the end of season 3 where his wife also got arrested (when the rest of the shelby fam did in the last episode) and in custody she had a terrible time and she didn't know a thing bc tommy always shut her out so when she returns all hell breaks lose and tommys at a loss of what to do because he thought he was keeping her safe by not telling her i'm so sorry this is such a long request u can end it as u please

*Guess who’s slowly trying to work her way back into writing? This gal! So I’m gonna try to roll out some of these requests that I’ve let build up within the next week or two. Just please bare with me a little because in the long run, I’d rather have quality over quantity. xoxox*

Masterlist

You all gathered in Tommy’s office, and it was an understatement to say he looked the worse for wear. The last day and a half had been the most distressing for the family in years. Not to mention how the event of the previous day had added more trouble to your marriage to Thomas than you knew how to fix. You moved your usual seat found nearer to Tommy between Michael and Ada, not daring to meet his eye as you thought back to him accusing you of letting the existence of the Faberge Eggs slip.

But let’s be honest, everything had gone to shit quite long ago, hadn’t it? Tommy didn’t talk anymore, to you at least. He had become so secretive within the last year, only opening up about his dealing with the Russians when he had no other choice. You still had to keep yourself from question his dealings with that hussy Tatiana, but that was an argument for later. In front of Tommy sat pounds upon pounds, bundled up in neat packages.

“Before I begin, I need to let you know I made a mistake,” he slowly tried to stand, obviously straining himself. It hurt you to not move to help him, but you knew he’d just push you away. “I made a mistake, and I want to apologize to all of you.” He began to move down the line, passing out pounds as if they were candy, or better yet restitution along with his repentance. It was only when he reached to pass money to Michael that he showed his true anger.

“No, Tommy.” Polly stood up and reached to stop his hand.”

“What,” Tommy shouted angrily, his voice bellowing throughout the room. “Tell me, eh! This is who I am!” You had to hide this chills rolling off your body. It was as if he was speaking just to you. He waved the money in front of Polly, not breaking eye contact. “ And this is all I can give you for what you have given me. And I know you all want me to say that I’ll change. That this fucking business will change, but I’ve learned something in the past couple of days.” This wasn’t the Tommy you knew, the one you married. “Those bastards are worse than us! They’ll never admit us to their palaces no matter how legitimate we become.” From where you sat, you could see Polly’s face. It remained stern but you could see pity being painted over it as Tommy came undone in front of you lot.

It was only within the moments of silence that followed that someone found the will to speak. “Tommy, you’ve had a bad time. We understand.” You had always admired Pol. She was the mother you never had growing up. Sure, she scared the living shit out of you when you first starting hanging around the Blinders, but you had grown on one another ever since. “So at an alternative time, I would like to put before the family an alternative view of the future of the Shelby Company Limited. A more hopeful view.”

“Which I look forward to hearing, personally,” you muttered loud enough for the room to hear, looking towards Polly in order to avoid any other eyes.

“As would I,” Esme added in, Ada voicing her approval as well.

After that, Linda began to try and collect Arthur to head for America, and it seemed that the meeting had almost reached its close. You walked quickly over to the eldest Shelby, giving him a hug and knowing that this may be the last time you see him.

“You can go, but you won’t get far, Arthur.” It was only at Tommy’s words that the smiles peaking at several of your lips once again began to fade. You scolded at you husband, for not supporting his brother when he was the only one in the family who was trying to improve his life. No, the meaning behind his words were much darker. “I spoke to Moss last night. He said the Chief Constable of Birmingham has issued a warrant for your arrest. John, they’re coming for you as well.” The room began to move into a state of panic as he called of Michael and Polly’s name in tow. “The people that we betrayed last night, they want to bring us down. They control the police, the judges, the juries, the jail, but they do not control the elected government.” You felt a sob leave your throat, yet no tears could come. “So I have made a deal in return for giving evidence against them. It’s all taken care of. When the police come in, do not resist arrest. You go with them, you do not say anything.” None of you could make any fucking sense of what Tommy was talking about before the police barged into the room.

It was as everything had begun to move in slow motion, yet it happened so fast. Cries and Arthur’s curses has filled the hall as the police officers started beating on the men. You tried to push yourself toward Polly, who wore a betrayed yet knowing look on her face, but quickly found your face pushed against the wall as well.

“What the fuck is going on,” you screamed out as you heard the cuff tightened around your wrists. You looked over to the doorway only to find Tommy staring at the ground as family was being taken away.

It was then that you knew you had made the worse mistake of your life. Not taking part in Blinder business, but for ever falling for those bright blue eyes. The officer yanked you by your hair, and not so gently into the back of the car. You didn’t know what you were being charged with or if you’d ever see Tommy again. At this rate, you weren’t sure if you could stand to.

Thirteen days. Thirteen days for them to drop the charges. You finally saw sunlight again with a busted lip, purple cheek, and a callous relief that they weren’t taking you out to hang. Being a Shelby locked up was by far the worse thing to be in jail, even if you married into the family. By their morals, you were as guilty as the rest of them, but the only one you could find the energy to be angry at was Tommy. Night upon night without sleep, ready for another inmate to try and stab you at any moment, allowed you some time to linger on the situation your husband had put you in. He had betrayed you, betrayed you all. And for what? More money to pile up in that house that was too big for just the two of you?

By the time your eyes adjusted to the sunlight, you could see an automobile with the driver beside its open door, waiting for you to get in the back. You’d recognize Tommy’s driver anywhere, as he had most likely overheard the lows and highs of your marriage from the driver's seat. You were relieved when you didn’t meet Tommy inside, not knowing if you could stand being in the same car as him. Silence is what you needed most. You could get just a glimpse of silence within your cell walls, but it wouldn’t be long before you heard a guard barking and beating an inmate, whether they deserved it or not. You leaned your head against the window - careful to mind the bruising - as you watched the view take you home.

Tommy stood at the door waiting for you to arrive back home, pacing in the same spot where he watched his family get thrown into the back of police vehicles. He was relieved when he saw you still alive walking up the front step, but quickly his frown grew deeper as you passed him without a glance.

“Y/N.” Hearing his made you stop midway to the master bedroom. His voice sounded hollow, but more often than not it had always sounded like that nowadays. “So you don’t wanna talk about this?”

“You’ve never wanted to talk before. What’s the difference now?” You grunted out as you entered the room. Even though your voice remained contained, you knew he heard you, as he was hot on your trail.

“The differences is that I haven’t seen you in two weeks.” He caught you as you wandered over to your dresser. “And what have they done to your beautiful face?”

You surprised yourself at how numb you felt with his hand grazing you face. “Anything they wished they could be doing to yours.” You pushed his hand away bitterly and started piling handfuls of clothes within your arms. He remained quiet as you continued to rant. “I mean what else did you expect? The others are probably worse off, if they’re even still alive.”

“What are you d-”

“Do you know?” You looked back at him stilling your packing only for a moment. He saw your stiff upper lip but didn’t forget to make note of the pain behind you eyes. “Do you know if they’ve hung them? Because I haven’t seen any of them since we we left this God-forsaken house.”

“I didn’t know they were taking you. That wasn’t part of the deal.”

“Well they fuckin’ did, alright!” You yelled through the still room. It was as if the statement alone stole all the energy you had left, as your voiced turned into a sharp whisper. “They didn’t really need a solid reason to take me in anyways. Just being involved with you is enough, but you gave them the keys to the bloody kingdom. All the information they needed. Murder, sedition, and conspiracy to cause explosion were all things that they couldn’t hold me for, but what about John, huh? What about Arthur?” The angry embers inside of you were being fueled again, your packing resuming.

“I was trying to protect you, Y/N. I may not have planned them taking you in but they will all be-”

“I hope I’m the only one you shut out of you plans recently. I felt like an idiot, sitting as a Shelby in a cell with no idea if I’ll ever be getting out. Two whole weeks.”

“You didn’t marry an idiot. I’ve got everything worked out, just collecting the cards before playing my hand.” You could hear him getting worked up, not being able to control the situation even with his own wife. “And would you stop fucking packing?” He grabbed your hands roughly afteryou could close your bag.

“Sometimes, I wonder who I married.” It was within those words that you could see just a little bit of Thomas Shelby breaking. “I can’t stay if this house, Thomas. Not with you. Not right now.”

“Please, Y/N. I promise I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you ev-”

“No, don’t you lie to me!” Tears began to rise at the corners of your eyes, your emotions no longer satisfied with just spilling from the mouth. “Do you think I’m still that foolish girl, to believe such promises? You said it yourself before you sent us off and betrayed us. This is who you are, but no more.” You reached for your bag and looked at your husband one last time. “I won’t do this, I can’t. Not when there’s a baby involved.”

You could see then that Tommy hadn’t accounted for even the possibility of another player in his game. His eyes clouded moments before him being was struck with the notion that you were carrying his firstborn child. His hand swiftly came to your stomach. “They didn’t know, did they? They didn’t hurt them?”

“No. I had a guess, but not even I was sure until last week.” With that blunt remark, you again left Tommy hanging with a foggy mind and no answers. Regaining himself, he was following you once more.

You were so close to the front door when he finally caught up to you. “I’m not letting you take my child from me,” he scowlded. He gripped your arm tight, and you were unsure what emotion had finally overcome him. Anger or fear of truly losing everything.

“Then fix this, Tommy,” you spit back at him. You still loved him, no matter how stupid that made you, but you couldn’t just put up with his lies and isolation any longer. There was another life that you had to protect now, even if that meant from their own father at times. “No more lies. No more tricks. I’m keeping this baby no matter if you’re there or not. When you restore this family, I’ll be back, but not until.” He could see how serious you were and knew that if anything worse than a beating was given to Pol, Michael, John, or Arthur, there was a chance he would never see you or this baby again.

This time, it was Tommy who let go. You left through the front, the driver waiting for you just as you had asked. Once again, the moment had happened so fast yet so slow. You hoped this wasn’t the end for you and Tommy, but your loyalties lied with the family unlike his it now seemed. He stood at the door watching as the driver took your bag, and before the car began to move, you could have sworn you saw something in his eyes. A tear? You tried not to think about it. A family together is always stronger than a family divided, but it didn’t matter if it had already crumbled at the hands of Thomas Shelby, did it?

“Where to, Mrs.Shelby?” The driver commented with his eyes on the long driveway.

Anywhere but here.

[dachi-chan25]

Game of Thornes- Season 7 episode 2 Recap (Pt.2)

Warnings: Spooooooilers; not a D@nee fan my dude, no hate either just critizism; Jonsa shipper so most of the fandom thinks I’m delusional.

————-

6.- Dat raven from Oldwarts reaches WF (OK but like where is Edd’s raven about Bran???) and Jonny boy is in Brooding mode, he calls for the Lords to tell them the situation, they are not happy at all about being all buddy-buddy with a Targ (and rightfully so) but Jon has a good reasons for going himself (even if I don’t like it):

- He is KitN and unlike other rulers J0n has already proven (remember when he wanted to have a 1 on 1 fight with Ramsey so no one else would die??) he takes responsability over his people and if it’s a trap he’ll rather sacrifize himself than an innocent.

- He is the only one who saw and fought a WW and the only one who can explain how much of a threat they are.

-The raven asked specifically for his presence, and to be allies (they both seek that) there should be some amount of trust, he NEEDS their help after all.

Of course it’s not so simple, because D@nyy has Melissandre with her (you know the same J0n exiled) and she wants him to surrender the North to her (which wasn’t mentioned in the raven and OH!! That if we believe the leaks she is gonna send him on a pointless stupid hunt to prove he says the truth (so no trust on her part I see)

Also, Sansa speaks up to remind him about their grandfather and how he was invited and then killed by a Targ (very fair point) and of course she doesn’t want him to leave!!!

“You’re abandoning your people! you’re abandoning your home!”

Some fellow shippers (I’m not saying your feelings/thoughts aren’t valid guys you are allowed to have your own reading and I am in no way trying to impose my view) mentioned they were wating for her to include ‘you’re abandoning me!’ but she already did in adding home, what makes WF his home is not the fact that he was raised there but that his family is! So in a subtle way she did acuse him of abandoning her.

And can you all blame her??? Sansa already lost so much, and wheter you ship them or not, it’s clear she loves him and doesn’t wanna loose him.

Problem is Jon is the same, y'all remember he wanted to fuck off to Essos after being brought back?? He had nothing left to loose and no fucks to give anymore, Enters Sansa giving him a purpose to live and someone to give a fuck about so of course he is gonna do anything in his power to protect her and the home she fought so hard for!! He is once again gonna fight for her now on the political side and honestly I dig so much this ship!!!

Anyway Jon is not getting much support (even Little Lyanna doesn’t want him to go) but he already made up his mind, Sansa is worried about who the fuck is gonna run the place in his absence and, be still my heart, because he says the North is hers (my shipper heart!!!!) and she is sooooo touched. Also that Jaime/ Brienne parallel.

Creepyfinger is pleased and honestly I can’t wait for Jon to choke the slimy bitch.

7.- Back in the Citadel, Sam says to Slughorn (I can’t remember his actual name, sorry) he knows how to cure greyscale (how very convinient) but hold your horses Potter!!! the thing is dangerous and you really shouldn’t do it. But of course he is gonna do it anyway, because I guess it’s more important to cure his ex-Lord Commander’s son than keeping his place on the Citadel (Slughorn said the procedure was forbbiden so I’m guessing they could expell him for this) to become a Maester for the NW like he was supposed to. Honestly this is all so convinient to have one of D@€nerys stans out and about again *sigh* Also the dialogue was like a porn and I was laughing way to hard even though the scene was disgusting.

8.- Eww that transition was just ewwww I’m glad I wasn’t eating when I watched it, so now we have Arya on her way to KL, and Yay! Hot Pie, I Love him so much, and LMAO Arya and her pies.

So at last Arya hears about the BoB and in that moment she forsakes her revenge to go home (Imma cry again) I think that’s the best damn decision because things are going to be ugly in the south.

9.- Jon in the crypts!!! (It’s happening y'all!!!) I must say that’s a pretty good looking statue of Ned tho. So LF is supposedly trying to get in his good graces but is he really??? I mean his words and tone are polite, he talks about how HE was the one who sent Ned’s bones back to WF (ya you trick ass bitch but you got him killed!!!) and wistully talks about how despite their differences they both loved Cat, and then smoothly reminds Jon about how Cat didn’t care about him and even says she was wrong (I called it!!! That LF was gonna say the last best chance quote from the trailer to Jon) but why was he talking about such a thing, we know Cat (and his bastard status) is a very touchy subject for Jon, as a matter of fact on a deeper level one starts to think maybe he was trying to provoke Jon (Starks. Quick tempers, slow minds is his motto afterall) and even I was surprised by how calm he acted when LF wanted a thank you for saving my life (that FUCKING creep). Until we get the ‘I Love Sansa, like I loved her mother’ it’s such an intresting way of phrasing it, isn’t it?? Because moments before LF states he loved Cat in a romantic way, and when he says he loves Sansa adds the last sentence to leave no room of doubt about what kind of Love is it and what his intentions are. What shaked me was Jon’s expression, he was furious, while moments ago he let LF words slide, a single mention of Sansa and he wants to kill the creeper. Jon’s threat is both terrifying and unexpected ( also I know everyone was freacking out about the sister but Jaime also called Cersei that and they had like 3 children together, same applies to but J0n said D@ny’s name OMG twu wuv, like LMAO Qyburn also said her name and I don’t see anyone shipping them) if LF wanted to provoke a reaction out of him it wasn’t that one definitely. Far to raw and protective to be brotherly.

Jon’s anger doesn’t fade even when he let’s the little creeper go!! He is downright murderous. But then he looks at Sansa and it’s like his whole demeanour changes, I was like what in the Seven hells is this!!!! And the little wave gives me hope they’ll see one another again in this season.

Now what I find real intresting is that last bit with LF. He gets outta those crypts, baffled and massaging his neck, when suddenly he seems to figure something out (you can see it in his eyes) and his first reaction to whatever he was thinking was looking at Sansa (she is looking at the spot Jon just left in such a wistfull and sad manner) and I think he knows something is happening there… Or maybe I’m delusional.

10.- Arya and Nymeria reunite and all is sad, but I think it linda makes sense, Nymeria is not her because Arya herself is not her fully, she had to strip from her identity to become a faceless man, and was using that to take revenge, but now she is stepping back from that destructive path because she has the option to come back home and it’s beginning to be herself again. maybe when she finally does Nymeria will come to her.

11.- I totally lost my shit in here, so Yara and Ellaria are flirting and drinking (so much for this is a war!! ) and far to relaxed and distracted to be part of a group that wants to take the Iron Throne, (Theon is super done with them btw) suddenly all hell breaks loose and Euron’s armada is on da house (he got to get that gift for his Lady) everyone gets crushed, the snakes are murdered and Ellaria/Yara taken prisioners. Also Theon is like LOL no I’m out. But are we supposed to think OMG Euron is totally GOT’s Jack Sparrow!! Cuz I think Ellaria and Yara (also Varys and Theon) were total dumbasses. In being sneaky 101 we learnt that if you wanna smuggle someone somewhere you gotta be disguised (see: LF getting Sansa on the Eyre and Varys taking Tyrion to Essos) Ellaria and Yara had those huge Greyjoy banners like 'here we are!!! The enemy!!!) and they also already knew about Euron’s armada but they choose to believe he was just gonna stay in Pyke pouting.

Like I said totally moronic!!! They could have disguised the ships and the people, traveling in broad daylight and maybe then they could have succeded.

Problem is everyone underestimating Cersei (except Sansa) even when they worked for her (Varys) and lived with her (Tyrion) and that’s what is allowing her to gain footing. As of now D@nys lost her armada and Dorne, her only allies are the Tyrell and with the Unsullied gone her only option is to go dracarys on KL (fuck the writers for this tho, she was actually making a good decision and you force her to hurt people, but maybe it’s intentional)

Also Sam is helping Jorah, but the leaks said the Tarly were going to die by D@nys hands. Looks like someone is gonna regret his decisions.

Anyway, leaving out the Stark bit I wasn’t very happy with this episode because the leaks keep being confirmed and they are still such bullshit (still I’m hoping some or most are fake)

That’s it. And yup I know I didn’t mentioned Greyworm/Missandei sexy time but I am very meh about it, yes it was tender and all but kinda pointless to me even if I like these two a lot.

[severalbakuras]

i have made it.... i can watch the first episode of season threeeee.

i might do one episode a day to make it feel like less time until s4 comes out.

here we goooo

no new intro pffffff

red space best space

the beep noise kinda sounds like a heart monitor.

allura my girl <3

good speech coran

that’s a lot of blades are they like the shock troops for voltron now? are they robotic?

WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS TAKAMI WO MEZASHITE

another sick slow mo shot for lance (he looks like seasick after tho with all those blue lines)

THAT’S MY MAN HUNK

slightly less impressive alien designs like just spikes and doggie ears but at least they’re colourful.

‘oh hunk!’ joke counter: 1

wait so how long has it been since season 2 then bc kolivan seems surprised to learn that they can’t form voltron anymore like dude you know this right?? you should’ve had the ‘this cannot stand!!’ thing before this mission i think??

i feel like this suspicion towards the blades is not going to end well.

why do i feel like pidge hasn’t slept for weeks.

ARE THOSE KAMINA GLASSES CORAN

noah fence pidge but i don’t think matt would be happy to know you weren’t safe at home with mum just sayin

‘oh hunk!’: 2

keeeith ;A; TELL US HOW HE MET SHIRO I WANNA KNOW

HAGGAR BABE

“but he totally needs me looming over him it’s not creepy”

oOOH NEW GIRL. and she can stealthmode interesting.

i don’t think this counts as an oh hunk moment cooking is good encouraging boys to cook is good. (i know the #discourse on professional/celebrity chefs skewing male and shit but like for normal kids it’s a life skill that isn’t taught enough and especially to boys so yeah)

just... a galaxy? that is a v. small empire like i know galaxies are Huge but you could try harder zarkon sargeras has most of the universe down or on his side at this point along with like all the gods who created it (until they need a filler raid/instance boss lol).

fuck i should write my au thoughts on a warcraft crossover at some point i want some poor unlucky galra soldiers to crash into ice crown and find out why you don’t want to build anything out of saronite. i want allura (and coran) to meet velen and they can connect to him as a fellow leader escaping genocide and i want pidge and hunk to lose their minds at all the magi-tech and gnome vs goblin technology ‘war’. idk what lance and keith would do i guess keith would see if there’s any blacksmiths on azeroth who might’ve encountered a blade like his although he’s kind of the spelunking exploring type i bet either the explorer’s league or the reliquary would happily poach him to check out titan ruins. lance would probably... idk my first instinct is that he’d head to goldshire on the basis of considering himself a Cool Dude with an interest in cute girls but he’d probably take two selfies right at the front door to the inn and then immediately leave and spend the night sat by the lake feeding murlocs.

did i mention that some of my favourite aliens were the ones who had organic bodies and robotic voices or was it vice versa either way more of those please.

well keith’s not wrong tbh. tone’s harsh but he’s lost like The Most Important person in the world to him so i can’t blame him for getting upset. like also this dude asks to see voltron like he’s asking to see the new wheels on his coworker’s car or something.

and like. they do need to fight for themselves too like the symbol can live forever but even before they could form voltron it couldn’t be everywhere at once. voltron’s a robot he rusts and corrodes probably one day he will need to go to a space garage for his MOT or to fix his tail light and everyone will have to take care of themselves for a while.

so public opinion of haggar is not good if these two highly ranked generals are chitchatting in a galran sports bar.

exiled? lotor what did you do.

‘he fights alongside his men and isn’t entirely racist ugh what a twat’

(i’m not denying that he’s a twat because look at his fucking design and ‘permitting’ conquered worlds to live in pretty much the same way as they did pre-conquering was exactly what gengis khan did to keep control of his territories iirc i’m just saying these guys sound so petty hahaha)

he’s prettyyyy. fucking shit goddamnit. i hope you have beefy friends for me to love bc i have enough problematic prettyboy faves.

(fuckin give me some problematic prettygirl girls and beefy girls one day all i have for the latter is jasper and all i have for the former is sylvanas)

got that kingly presence i’ll give him th WHAT WAIT NO. WARCRAFT ORCS. LIKE ALL THIS HONOR IN COMBAT AND MIGHT = RIGHT AND HOW BEING A SNEAKY BINT IS SHITTY ETC ETC. dude heralds the warsong.

lotor you better not start any mak’goras i’ll be watching you.

(i’ll stop with the warcraft now)

(that’s a lie)

DREAMWORKS... HOW DID YOU KNOW...

hey invisigirl

can’t tell if the cat’s the general with their meat puppet or a cool faceless alien or an alien with a mask

youuuuu look like keith. like dead to rights that’s styled hair blue keith with lipstick.

lotor is possibly the most anime of the whole cast at this point.

he’s got lines under his eyes like he just wants to go to bed and honestly #mood

oh you sneaky bitch lotor. now how did he meet those four i wonder they seem to like him on a personal level given by the smiles. like they’re all stated to be half-galra kinda. so our options are the unpleasant garona halforcen-esque one which makes the galra Really Fucked Up (probably not) or the lotor style conquering which is Still Kinda Fucked Up (this one is the discourse bait and a little more likely) or like lotor tracks down civilian populations of galra on non-galra home planets that might not even know there’s a war going on all the way on the other side of the galaxy and recruit from there.

like say............... EARTH, MAYBE????????????

(LISTEN LOTOR MAKES A POINT OF STOCKING HIS TEAM WITH HALF GALRA PEOPLE.)

(KEITH IS HALF GALRA.)

(i’m just SAYIN.)

(d. do i ship lotor and keith. am i one of Those People. i mean i have my ot4 of keith/shay/allura/hunk which is The Best (and i’m literally the only person who ships that so my city now) but i’m allowed one incredibly shit ship per fandom right?)

(what is the ship name i hope it’s leith so i can make leaf puns but it might already be in use as an alternative to klance)

(can’t be as bad as jaina/garrosh right?????)

be still my heart is dreamworks going to let keith and lance have an emotional moment without immediately throwing a joke about it in afterwards?

... kinda? it’s a good step for lance but i don’t think it really helps keith out. like ‘oh man wasn’t shiro the best? now i didn’t know him anything like you did and i totally hero-worshipped him and i think this is what he’d think’.

allura gets it though good job a+ mirroring his words to pidge back when she tried to leave voltron too iirc.

new black paladin im not.... ready,.,.,.,.,..,,,.

[r-o-se]

BASICALLY 101 comments/thoughts/things on Produce 101 S2E2

So we are BACK TOPOFTHEMORNINGTOYALADDIES AND WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF p101 live commentary

1.      The kids are watching the last ep

2.      The first vote results, Bae Jinyoung first, Wang Minhyuk last. Poor kid. Stop naming kids Minhyuk theres 6 of them on the field already it’s like Michael in America lol

3.      Back to the evaluations

4.      Woojin goes up, Daniel is like ’He’s rly cute I hugged him already’ tbh everyone call him cute lol

5.      Does JB Baby, what a classic lol. Got a B and praised for his pronunciation

6.      Aaahahahah lmao he asked for water and has to choose between two judges. Chooses Cheetah and she looks blessed af

7.      Kid has problems with opening stickers lol

8.      YGk+ performance, everyone are shook about their legs

9.      Their performance isn’t that good though, poor dudes. One D, other three F

10.   Roll yet ANOTHER compilation of the hottest kids this season

11.   Yongbin aka the dude with a nose bridge straighter and higher than my will to live

12.   Dongsoo and Namhyung from S.How do an AMAZING self composed song, are cute and talented as fuck. Namhyung got an A and Dongsoo got a B. Cheetah loves them ME TOO ME TOO

13.   Compilation of rappers, the overall comment on teachers is ‘Cheetah is cute omg but Dunmill is scary’

14.   Editing: aw cheetah is cute now with longer hair

15.   Cheetah: does the snoop dogg dance yno the smoke weed everyday one

16.   ‘Boys are calmer’ no they are more desperate and scared of failure

17.   Jung Jungji prepared a SHITTON for EXO Growl, a bajillion vids of it. But sadly I guess his nerves got to him, he didn’t do well aaaaaaaaaaaand got an F. Stop fucking laughing at him. Most of the audience is dancing along though such an iconic song

18.   He looks dead inside but says “I’m glad because I made BoA laugh”

19.   HOTSHOT HOTSHOT HOTSHOT SUNGWOON TAEHYUN SUNGWOON TAEHYUN

20.   Do Block B Very Good, MURDER IT IN THE BEST WAY POSSIBLE, AMAZING energy, everyone love it, first and only all company A rank

21.   Who am I fooling I actually watched their performance like 4 times before this on youtube just because of how much I love it the energy is so good

22.   Taehyun’s freestyle krump was on POINT tru kid monster right there. His expressions are soooooo good

23.   Now the kids are writing their future wishes or something like that to a huge whiteboard

24.   Kim Dongbin from kiwi ent looks sooooo nervous save that kid

25.   He’s doing chewing gum and stopped in the middle for some x reason?

26.   He stopped bc one of the judges pulled out his in-ear in a weird way and he thought that meant he needs to stop

27.   HES CRYING OUT OF NERVES RESCUE THAT POOR KID OMG

28.   Everyone are cheering for him  to continue THIS IS SO SWEET AAAHHHHHH EVEN JINWOO MOVED HIS HANDS AND CLAPPED

29.   And he finished his performance w a cute smile and………. got an F

30.   ’My level should be lower than F. I’m grateful for F’

31.   FNC Hwiseung comes out DOES SHINEE REPLAY GOT MY VOTE

32.   JELLY HEESEOK DOES CHAINED UP ALSO GOT MY VOTE

33.   Judges don’t like either and say both feel rushed… Hwiseung got a D and Heeseok got an F… damn

34.   Starship Sewoon and Kwanghyun come in, everyone get hype. One of them hates dancing and individ. trainee Jaehwan went to the same school as Sewoon. They Maroon 5 Sugar, everyone loves it

35.   Sewoon plays guitar and composes, everyone STILL loves it and for a very good reason

36.   BoA: So do u wanna be an idol or a singer?

        Sewoon: CEO

37.   Starship gets a double B

38.   RYTHM TA COVER, amazing vocals, acrobatics, taekwondo (is this the K-Tiger trainee?) basically just a compilation of the coolest kids this season

39.   Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Jang Moonbok clip again

40.   He’s doing BTS Boy In Luv and…. It isn’t too good poor dude

41.   Seriously Mnet’s son bc his singing isn’t good yet the only reactions they are showing from crowd are the most positive ones

42.   He got an F

43.   Brand New come up, roll clip of the absolute snake team San E and Jint ent company lol kids are cute tho

44.   Do a song composed by Daehwi, choreo made by Woojin that sounds eerily like a GOT7 Hard Carry  

45.   Daehwi's vocals are good but his range isn’t too high rip. One of the kids did a bboy pose thing on one hand. Someone in the crowd dabbed

46.   Daehwi and Woojin got an A, Youngmin and Donghyun got B’s

47.   End of the evaluation, 7 A rank trainees, 17 B rank, 21 C rank, 25 D rank and 31 F rank. Last season there was like….. 20 something A rank holy shit

48.   Revealing the high pitched as hell song and the difficult ass choreo

49.   The best can go to M Countdown with it, A gets center and the ult center gets a solo part

50.   The one who has an A rank is basically a god and the one who gets the center position is literally the definition of ’what’s a god to a non-believer’

51. �� They’re moving in now and get their ugly colour coded sweaters lol

52.   F rank trying to cope ’I actually rly like gray clothes… Still want pink tho’

53.   Why is korea so obsessed with ages lol

54.   Sungwoon took like an air humidifier and candles and an electric mat and whatnot lmaoooo

55.   Goblin parody ensue. Some trainee, Yoo Jinwon looks just like male Eun Tak (The female lead of goblin)

56.   Group practice is soooooo unbalanced holy SHIT

57.   The song is so high pitched they are all dying inside

58.   JINWOO IS TALKING my dude…. In F rank…. Depressing

59.   Daehwi is a sad boy bc the entire B team belted out the high notes like no joke

60.   Two dance black holes make slow mo eye contact if im not incorrect its the Cube F rank and one of the YGk+ F ones with a haircut idk how to describe.. like… its black…  sure is black

61.   Within 10 minutes A rank fucking aces the dance as a whole, sure its not perfect but it looks GREAT

62.   F is a… Mess sighs. At least that’s how they’re portrayed. In group shots at least half of the kids can do the dance just GREAT but sure obvs mnet isnt gonna show them

63.   Daehwi has problems with the high notes poor lil kid

64.   Namhyun, Sungwoo and Sungwoon have no problems hitting it though

65.   I fucking hate this system because rappers need to excel in vocals too which is fucking unfair and they just humiliated BNM Woojin who cant reach the notes and the trainer is NO FUCKING HELP and doesn’t guide him or anything just looks at him judgingly just fuck off dude seriously

66.   Sungwoo is just like Sejeong, got everyone shook during first evaluation, sings like an angel and CAN actually dance but has small problems while adapting to the choreo

67.   Now to the D group training KAHI MY MOTHER

68.   Baekho has problems concentrating to the dance and they only show him obviously thanks Mnet for nothing like he is not the type of person for p101 hes literally the furthest away from the p101 type why did pledis force them there Im so fucking angry dude

69.   Another poor black hole cutie is Cube Guanlin ugh im so sad about him DON’T CRY

70.   But others are helping him which makes me happy thank god for that

71.   C group get compared to chicks and vitamin C lol

72.   The C group vocal trainer is pretty af and everyone are in love including me

73.   ‘Age is just a number’ BOI

74.   Bae Jinyoung keeps looking at the ground SHY BOY but he also messed up his singing poor kiddo

75.   B team has the same vocal coach as A and I think D has the same dude

76.   Honestly I fucking hate that dude he’s so rude to rapper kids and doesn’t even help him and Mnet tries to play it off like ‘haha tsundere’ but no he’s just an asshole

77.   One of the rappers does adlibs lol

78.   But everyone else are just in pain I fucking hate this system so much

79.   Woojin is a small baby but sings like gold

80.   AND D TEAM HAS THE SAME ASSHOLE COACH

81.   He picks out NU’EST right away ugh but MY DUDE REN DOES SO WELL

82.   RBW GUNHEE MY B O I HOLY HELL SINGS SO WELL WHYS HE IN D even the coach said he did the best out of the grades he coaches ( A B and D)

83.   That coach is so much nicer in D

84.   I take everything back he just fucking destroyed my baby Hyungseob I’m so fucking done with everything

85.   B team dance class que

86.   Kang Daniel feels a bit full of himself but tbh he is literally perfect at everything and has the dance clean already

87.   Kim Jaehwan has problems with dance this is like with Juna last season lol

88.   JAEHWAN IS PRACTICING ALONE AS THE LAST ONE THERE POOR KID

89.   The dorm clips, everyone are practicing

90.   Aaaaaaaaand now they’re doing the reevaluation filming

91.   B grade Kim Sangbin danced really well and even sang well even though hes a rapper and then dabbed lmao hope lost

92.   MY LIL JUSTIN KIDDO IS UP but holy shit his singing is really bad I’m sad

93.   Everyone are saying they are anticipating Minhyun to move up by a rank but his clip is awful I’m so fucking sad dude I don’t have any words to express my absolute misery he looks so beaten up and other trainees are trying to console him I’m so fucking sad

94.   Now it’s Baekho’s turn, he doesn’t do too well either but it def isn’t THAT bad and mnet is just trying to make NU’EST look bad because they aren’t showing JR’s clip even though he was good enough to move up to B grade

95.   The dude with the best singing voice, Gunhee, his singing voice broke rip

96.   Moonbok’s clip wasn’t good and everyone are sad bc he practiced a lot

97.   Kwon Hyunbin from YGk+ does really shit and I feel soooooooooooo sorry because he isn’t doing good and people aren’t vvoting for him either but it just won’t come out right and im SO SORRY FOR HIM AAAAAAAGHHHHHH and like YGk+ is a modelling company so he wont debut and then theres this kid Ha Minho who I like too and his rank is like what 94 rn hes gonna fucking die. I hate this show why is it so addicting

98.   Calls to family ft. a lot of tears from everyone but Jisung’s sister has the same sense of humor as Jisung does its gr8 why isn’t he in top 11 vote for him jesus fuck

99.   Judges are gonna watch the reevaluation things now time to Get Sad Bois

100.  Daehwi and Samuel get praised and JAEHWAN MY LIL BOY FIXED HIS DANCE IM SO PROUD

101.  Oh no now theyre gonna watch Minhyuns catastrophe clip I want to fucking die

102. Kahi said that Min gets pressured when competing with other people I’m so fucking sad my boy is so stable and talented if anyone wants good NU’EST lives just fucking hit me up he is sooooo high quality stop bullying him @mnet  @pledis

103. Why do they only show bad clips I’m so sad and the trainers all laugh at them this just… it’s so ugly leave the kids alone they are under such immense pressure with such a difficult song and choreo

104. Finally they are showing the good trainees I’m so glad give them that ATTENTION and MY KID HYUNGSEOB IS THERE WITH A PEACE SIGN

105. And to end it now they’re getting the reevaluation grades and a bunch of kids are moving up I’m glad but they aren’t showing anyone’s new grades

And now, also good  screencaps that didn’t make it into the top 9, some funny, some depressing, Also I’m ready to stab anyone who came up with the goddamn food and bathroom break ration they’re doing by rank like what is this u cant dance u cant eat?? well hello there stalin 

[literaphobe]

season four of she-ra rated by catradora content

the coronation: okay so... rightfully. there’s nothing i should be appraising here. adora and catra didn’t interact or bring each other up at all. but bro... catra’s new outfit... the best character of season four. i’m kidding but also she is so hot. catra seems to be dealing w the portal incident by framing it as a victory, since the rebellion was hurt by it. but also who cares. who fucking cares man. her arc this episode was about her deciding to make hordak her little bitch and design a new sexy outfit. that adora did NOT talk about nor seem visually affected by >:( yes, this entire season will be measured by how much i think it was a missed opportunity that adora did not get to thirst. jk but also am i? 500000000/10 for catra’s new look, 0/10 for official catradora stuff

the valley of the lost: god...... this episode. i know it’s like one of the few catradora moments we have this season already but it makes me LIVID that adora said that flirty ass line and catra never even got to hear it. anyway, let’s begin properly. double trouble seeks catra out and says they’re gonna be her new best friend. catra says “oh, yeah? i’m done with best friends”, making it official that she and adora broke up 😔 like friend broke up oh my god 😔 KFKSKDKD like we been knew but i think it is so dramatic and funny of catra to announce that she’s never having a best friend again because adora broke her heart 😔💔 i mean i know it’s also like sad but let’s keep it light ok uwu anyway. sigh. double trouble! auditions for catra! by pretending to be her in battle! which is great for them, but not for me and my hang ups about adora bringing back a flirty line catra said to her in season one and winking and then catra doesn’t hear or see ANY of it. sigh. let’s go through the scene. adora sees who she thinks is catra run in and say “hey! careful with the goods”, pouncing on adora and taking her down. adora tosses dt!catra into the walkway above and they get a cut on their face. not sure whether this is meant to signify adora pulling less of her punches around catra or double trouble just not being as agile as catra is in combat. it’s probably the latter because when you think about it, throwing catra away is much more of a defensive tactic than an offensive one. anyway! double trouble still does a more or less good job fighting adora as catra. huntara calls adora over and is like hi adora! could you stop fighting ur gf for one fucking second? we need you to do literally anything else. and adora (who has NO IDEA she’s not fighting her ACTUAL gf) is like :( wait no what really?? ok :( one sec tho lemme pull off this super cool sexy farewell thing before i stop fighting catra i’ve been practicing it for years u kno kinda been working up to doing this bit. and then she. grabs dt!catra after stopping them from running away, and grabs this trap thingy to trap them against the side of this wall. “i got something more important to do :) it was fun distracting you though ;)” and she actually WINKS and she looks SO PROUD of her damn self but it means pretty much NOTHING because that’s not ACTUALLY catra :( wtf :( the worst thing about this whole situation is that adora clearly wanted to do her whole super strong super powered thing and then go BACK to catra and like.... gloat or something.... flirt some more.... kiss her.... i don’t know. but dt!catra is gone because they’re good at getting out of tight spots, and adora is like “how did she get out of that? :( i wanted to see more of her tf....” anyway double trouble, scorpia, and catra are escaping in a skiff after this. catra thinks double trouble did marvelously. “i grew up with adora, and you fooled her” well catra. i’m very sorry. but if i were adora seeing you in that new look for the first time, i wouldn’t be checking to see if u were ooc. i would be.... hm idk.... flirting with you as hard as possible? like i know i complained that we never got a proper reaction from adora re catra’s new outfit, but i think we could interpret this scene as a lapse in adora’s morals <3 like she gave catra such a hard stare the last time they saw each other, and the next time they saw each other (after this) adora glared at her too, but somehow this time she’s all 👅👅👅👅👅it was fun distracting you ;) ;) ;) like ok. slow down there horn dog. “if you can do that, we can do anything. this is gonna be fun...” catra :( perhaps you would have more fun :( if you suggestively fought with adora :( yourself? :( 8/10

flutterina: catra’s having bad dreams :( her mistakes and past actions are haunting her and the guilt is messing her up so bad :( so what am i choosing to focus on? the fact that adora was in her dream :) dream!adora looks Angry and dream!catra is scared and backing away :( a quick callback to when adora gave catra an angry Look when she destroyed the portal, and catra looked scared for a second before her face hardened back to something equally pissed off looking. so this dream obviously tells us that the thought of adora genuinely just hating and being pissed off at catra... hurts and scares her. because we all know that she loves adora and just wants adora to love her back! but.... ya lmao. dream!adora asks “why did you do it?!” reminiscent of what she said last season, but angrier this time. and we all know that catra doesn’t really know why. sometimes things torture you so bad and you do stuff that you can’t come up with sound or logical reasons for. u would rather keep running or keep deflecting, and so catra deflects dream!adora’s questions by waking up. i wonder if catra dreams about adora more than what we’re shown in this scene. i also REALLY wanna know if adora dreams of catra. i want more :( why this season gotta be the fucking break up season bro :( like i KNOW they’re thinking of each other. gimme the content :( for now, let’s skip ahead to💔 their only real interaction this season💔 holy fuck. stay strong u guys. stay strong me. i think it’s very offensive of she-ra to not give me a catradora heavy season every season? like yeah this season is good but god at what cost? they should’ve known i was going to do an evaluation? :/ that i was gonna rate each ep out of ten according to how much catradora content there was? :/ the fuck bros. ,,,,anyway, let’s get to the actual scene. catra’s walking around w an ipad and scorpia is talking to her. catra looks like. v serious and :| and >:/ BUT when scorpia asks about she-ra catra becomes >:) and >:D “she-ra was in elberon, which means she’s nearby.” “do you think she’ll try some secret attack? :0” “;D oh i’m counting on it ;)” fucking god catra can you just flirt normally??? like be horny in a normal way??????? u can just ask adora out on a date. have u tried that? i know she blocked u for nearly destroying the world but adora’s a hoe ❤️ she would’ve said yes ❤️ u don’t need to kidnap a town as an excuse to see her ❤️ yes i know she did it to plant flutterina!DT into the rebellion as a spy but shhhhh ❤️ we finally get to the most GORGEOUS “hey adora”,,, ever because it’s the only hey adora of this season 💔 i looked back and we did not get a ‘hey adora’ last ep. honestly, adora should’ve figured it wasn’t catra JUST from the lack of greeting. catra is fucking POLITE ok :( anyway. it’s so homophobic that we only got ONE “hey adora” in THAT LOOK but..... it’s okay. because it’s such a good one. catra’s hand is propping her face up and she just looks so pretty.... the way she SAYS the hey adora too like bros... how we holding up? bad? she’s posing and lounging so prettily... “took you long enough to show up” HHHHH why does she sound like a gf who’s a little :/ that her gf showed up late for their date.... bro....... must she SMILE that prettily..... also adora’s reaction... she goes :0 and her EYES get this like ‘oh wow’ look for a Moment right before she remembers she’s supposed to be mad when she sees catra then she’s like >:( CATRA >:( and like. let’s dissect that look for a moment? it’s almost like AWE but why??? why would she be at all surprised to see catra??? catra is IN the horde like. she got happy for a moment until she remembered she’s meant to be mad. good bye <3 i will now be passing away <3 “seriously. i thought i’d have to kidnap another town to get your attention” TO GET. YOUR ATTENTION. HHHHH HELP THEY’RE GAY...... BRO WHY.............. THE GAYNESS UNMATCHED..... anyway catra continues like OH RIGHT u were at a PARTY feeling SPECIAL and adora.... oof oh fuck she COLD she was like skip the SPEECH i’m done playing your GAMES and she like reminds catra of the portal and they just... oof this really IS the breakup season it’s so brutal bros :( can’t they just kiss :( like nooooo don’t stare at each other angrily you’re so sexy aha OK BUT... at the end after catra runs away and adora’s getting hugged by flutterina and everyone’s cheering for her... she lets her ‘catra BAD’ and ‘yay haha rebellion for the win! :)’ facade drop for a moment... and she gets this really sad look on her face that makes u think.... and the next scene we see catra sitting on the ledge of where she and adora used to sit together? and she looks real upset too???? they hate being enemies. 9/10

pulse: in this ep adora fucking SHUSHED spinnerella and netossa while they were bickering and like... ok wow. rude :/ adora straight up was like ok HAHA WOW we GET IT ur HAPPY y’all have WIVES and iiiiiii don’t HAVE a GIRLFRIEND because my crush is EVIL :( on the other hand, we find out that catra is meeting up regularly with double trouble to get intel. it’s very funny because she’s like yeah yeah WHATEVER what can u tell me about SHE-RA >:( like girl? u are not subtle ❤️ catra literally met double trouble and said let’s be friends with benefits ❤️ the benefits? you spy on adora and tell me everything about what she does ❤️ was she pretty today ❤️ haha jk she’s pretty everyday ❤️ here’s some bitcoin for your troubles ❤️ AND THEN the next time double trouble facetimes catra they transform into bow and glimmer to roast them and catra is at most unamused and annoyed but BUT when double trouble pretends to be she-ra catra’s like HAHAHAHDJSJDJSJD OMG,,,, INSPIRED FAM,,,, SO FUNNY TOP PEAK COMEDY,,,, ABSOLUTE LEGEND,,,,,, SHOW ME SHE-RA AGAIN,,,,, u know that thing where you find people who you’re attracted to way funnier than they actually are? ya :-) apparently catra doesn’t even need the Actual she-ra/adora to lose her shit. she just needs to see a physical representation of her and it’s suddenly Peak Comedy. someone once pointed out that this moment was the last time catra was happy all season and... can we take a fucking second to cry about that. haha 💔 anyway double trouble is happy that they finally cracked the code to making catra go from ARGH >:( to HAHAHAHAHAH :D so they give her she-ra intel as a treat ❤️ “she-ra’s going back out to destroy the bot that hurt her friend” “ugh 🙄 typical heroic adora plan” shut up bitch u dream of her lips on yours!!!!!! 7/10

protocol: no rights for white boys ❤️ 0/10

princess scorpia: well, nothing! but since i’m scouring i might as well say the line where catra says “you don’t need a princess in your life telling you what to do!” to hordak she’s actually talking about her and adora haha i mean duh :-) anyway since i’m here can i talk about how hot catra is again this season. i’m madly in love did y’all see her from behind? even her back view is beautiful i am going to combust <3 2/10

mer-mysteries: what a great episode! 0/10

boys’ night out: catra gets banned from doing war crimes because hordak wants to do the war crimes all by himself and this is a real bummer because there’s an even SMALLER chance she’ll bump into adora now :( jk ik she was avoiding her this season because the guilt was eating her alive haha :-) also glimmer and adora fought and we all know that ‘but the rebellion’s in a worse place than ever since you showed up’ is like a very :( line but when u think about it it’s true because adora joining the rebellion pissed catra off so much she became an antagonistic force driving most of the conflict in the series up to this point in the story JFJDDJDJDJ like imagine if they brought catra up in this convo ‘i’m doing my BEST glimmer :(‘ ‘ok but what can we do about your terrible taste in evil women????? was ur catgirl gf ex really worth it????? did she hit that different???? did the catgirl ***** slap that hard????’ 1.5/10

hero: man mara is so hot! 0/10

fractures: scorpia said catra’s name in front of adora... ‘shadow weaver! and at bright moon! everything is making so much sense about why catra’s been acting the way she has’ and adora’s reaction is so interesting.... she goes from this ‘catra....’ look to this ‘catra >:(‘ look and like it’s interesting to see catra’s psyche explained to adora like this and it’s clearly something that makes adora feel bad but then she remembers the bad stuff catra did and forces herself to focus on that. 5/10 for that alone lmao

beast island: bow being very upset and annoyed and disappointed in glimmer is a fun little parallel to how adora has felt about catra’s descent into the darkness. you feel doubly upset and doubly betrayed when someone you’re in love with goes against what you stand for, and the goodness you know they’re capable of but aren’t showing. 1/10

destiny part 1: ‘i’ll be happy when the rebellion and she-ra are gone for good!!!’ are u sure about that catra :/ 1/10

destiny part 2: catra gets into a huge fight with some dude and right after she sort of collects herself after barely beating him she hears “hey, catra” and she completely freezes up. she’s been so proactive with avoiding adora all season... and the moment in 4x03 nearly doesn’t count because she was acting specifically to get double trouble snuck into the rebellion. aside from a necessary interaction in which she was far away and removed from adora anyway.... where she was far enough away to smile and laugh and manipulate the situation.... she hasn’t wanted to see adora at all, clearly. and having this happen now, right after one of her worst fights, right after she thought she was going to win... “no. you can’t do this. you can’t come in and take this from me now.” “woah, i knew this would get a rise out of you, but still, you really are obsessed, aren’t you, kitten?” and catra’s standing there like 👁👄👁 until double trouble reveals themself and says stuff that :( hurts :( i am not going to repeat until i get to anything catradora relevant because i don’t wanna be bummed out ok hoes 😔 anyway double trouble becomes adora again and is like “didn’t need you... left you” and puts catra’s hand on adora’s cheek...... and then shoves catra???? rude :( 7/10

[poipoi1912]

Barisi Episode Tag, 18x15

(and 18x13, and 18x14, and 18x11. Let’s just say it’s a multi-episode tag, spanning the entirety of S18, because I wanted to make up for the ones I didn’t write all season long. Inspired by the messy schedule, by Sonny’s temper, by Barba’s secret, and by my ability to see Barisi in everything. 16.4K.)

Note: This is a 3-part story. 3 mini-episode tags, rolled into one. Each “part” of the story takes place after each of the last 3 episodes, except I’m tackling them in their intended order, namely: 1) Know It All (18x15, with the reveal of Barba’s secret) 2) Genes (18x13, with Sonny’s subsequent outburst) and 3) Net Worth (18x14, with a happy Sonny doing a crossword puzzle). And I’m also heavily referencing Great Expectations (18x11, with the reveal about Sonny’s past).

Please enjoy.

~~~

Flan

~~~

Sonny braces himself before he enters Barba’s office.

It’s been a while.

He doesn’t know which Barba he’ll encounter. Worse than that, he doesn’t know which Sonny he’ll be.

Sonny swears there only used to be one of him. One Sonny, for all seasons.

Not anymore.

Now it’s spring, one day, and then it’s winter, and Sonny smiles with the sun and he frowns with the snow, and the snow keeps falling and falling, for days, for weeks, and Sonny forgets to smile, and some days he thinks he’ll be covered by a thin, grimy blanket of snow forever.

Today is a snow day.

Sonny was hoping for spring, this morning Sonny was hoping he’d be able to scare up a smile for Barba, but now he knows that won’t be happening.

Not for a lack of trying.

Sonny does forget to smile, some days, but today he remembered.

Today he tried.

He still couldn’t manage it.

It’s not as easy as it sounds.

Smiling.

Words will have to do.

“Hey, counselor. Nice to see you back.”

Barba doesn’t raise his head, but he does raise an eyebrow.

“Is it?”

Sonny nods, even though Barba can’t see him.

It’s always best to act casual. To pretend he doesn’t know what Barba’s talking about. Sonny is too transparent for his own good, and sometimes Barba will call him out on it, but most of the time Barba lets it slide.

Especially lately.

Barba has been letting a lot of things slide.

That’s not good.

It’s blurring the boundaries.

Sonny needs someone to push back. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to stop on his own.

Barba has stopped pushing back.

Sonny clears his throat.

“Sure it is. It’s… You’re back where you belong, Barba. We all heard about your suspension. It wasn’t… I mean, whatever it was, witness tampering, whatever the D.A. wants to call it, you didn’t deserve a month without pay. You’re a great A.D.A. Everybody knows it. You should be the one workin’ our cases. You’re part of the squad, same as all of us.”

Barba hums.

He’s still facing away from Sonny, head down, as if he’s actually reading whatever’s in front of him.

As if he’s not ignoring Son-

“Right. Lucky for you, Carisi, the D.A. agrees. That’s why he only suspended me for four weeks. Which I spent relaxing on a friend’s yacht in the Caribbean. A most terrible punishment. I’m so happy to be back in New York, with all the perverts and my dear friends at Manhattan SVU.”

Sonny isn’t sure if Barba means that or not. The sarcasm is obvious, but Sonny doesn’t know what’s hiding behind it.

“Lucky for me? How ‘bout you, Barba? Aren’t you happy?”

Barba smiles, but it’s empty.

“No.”

No.

It’s that simple.

Barba narrowly escaped getting fired, and all he can muster is an empty smile and complete apathy and ‘no’.

Sonny tries not to react.

“You don’t care? You could’ve lost your job.”

Barba takes his time before answering.

“I care, Carisi. I wanted to keep my job. I want to be here. Most of the time. When people aren’t trying to kill me. But does it make me ‘happy,’ whatever that means? No. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Yes, I’m grateful I can continue my work with SVU. No, I am not happy.”

Oh.

That’s understandable.

Sonny hasn’t felt happy in a long time.

Difference is, unlike Barba, he’s not sure he loves his job.

Working Special Victims.

Day in, day out.

How do you come out of that clean?

The longer Sonny stays with SVU, the more he realizes all his superior officers were right, all those years ago, when they warned him to stay with Homicide.

Frankly, Sonny doesn’t know if that would have helped.

It’s not SVU.

It’s being a cop.

That’s what Sonny has a hard time loving.

Being a cop, it changes you for the worse.

Sonny has been changing lately.

Ever since that job interview Barba set up for him.

For that job he didn’t get.

‘Well-rounded applicant,’ ‘extensive background in working with victims,’ ‘excellent criminal law credentials,’ ‘lacks the necessary trial experience.’

That’s what the Brooklyn D.A.’s office said, in their rejection email.

‘Consider private practice for a few years, Carisi, and then you can reapply. You’d make a great Assistant District Attorney. Just not now.’

That’s what La Rossa said, when Sonny called him after getting the news.

Sonny thought he aced that interview.

Not so much, apparently.

He d-

“Enough about my happiness, Carisi. What about the new case? Liv said it involves some sort of group therapy for rapists? Who all claim they carry a ‘rape gene’? And then you wonder why I miss St. Barths.”

Barba’s got him there.

Forget missing St. Barths, Sonny misses Staten Island, sometimes.

That’s how bad it’s gotten.

“No. I mean yeah, we’re working the case. Uh, Nick Brown, the guy we picked up for the rape, he says he can give us the identity of the River Rapist. That’s why I’m here. His lawyer wants to know what kind of deal we can offer.”

Barba sighs, almost in boredom.

Like he’d rather be doing anything else but this.

“What does he mean by identity? Name? Address? I need more than a vague hint, Carisi. You know that.”

Sonny does know that, and he does not appreciate the condescension.

“Just gimme a ballpark offer, Barba. A carrot to dangle in front of his attorney. You know how this works.”

Barba smirks, probably because Sonny tried to out-condescend him.

“Of course. I’ll check with the A.D.A. who is handling the River Rapist case, and I’ll get back to you within the hour. Will that be all?”

Sonny doesn’t know if that’s a polite way of kicking him out, or if Barba is just done talking about the case.

About work, maybe.

About the job, in general.

Barba, with his fresh tan, and his fancy suit, Barba, who’d rather be on a yacht, is tired talking about a job he barely feels like doing. Barba won’t even pick up the phone to call the other A.D.A. He’ll probably make Carmen do it. No rush. It’s not like they’re trying to catch a serial rapist.

Sonny exhales.

It doesn’t matter.

“Yeah. That’s all. Call the station when you got an offer, we still have Brown in lockup.”

Barba doesn’t even acknowledge that. He just starts jotting down… whatever.

It doesn’t matter.

Sonny leaves.

~ ~ ~

Barba didn’t listen.

Barba didn’t use the case Sonny spent hours researching, Barba flat-out refused to do what Sonny said, and it almost cost them the conviction.

All because it was from Delaware, so it didn’t automatically apply. As if that means anything. As if Barba couldn’t have made the exact same arguments presented in that case, and hope for the best. Maybe their judge would have ruled just like her Delaware counterpart. Why not? Sonny’s research was sound. Why wouldn’t the judge agree?

Why waste taxpayers’ money? Why waste all this time? Why should Sonny have to literally pull a guy away from a ledge, hoping he’ll testify five minutes after almost attempting suicide? Why should Sonny have to go through that, just because Barba wouldn’t listen? Their case would have b-

“Carisi. You’re here. Again. Carmen warned me you seemed, and I quote, ‘agitated,’ but watching you seethe in person is much more dramatic. What is it this time? Did you come to finish what you started at the courthouse? Maybe add some four-letter words to your tantrum, now that no one else is listening?”

That doesn’t sound like a bad idea, actually, but Sonny is not that immature.

Or that angry.

Not anymore. He was seething at the courthouse, and he was still pretty ‘agitated’ when he passed Carmen on his way in, but waiting in Barba’s office for thirty-five minutes has calmed him down significantly.

That said, watching Barba taking his sweet-ass time as he pulls off his coat, as he hangs it carefully on that fancy coat hanger, like he’s not bothered at all, it’s kind of testing Sonny’s patience.

Sonny starts yanking on the buttons of his own coat, lying across his lap, just to have something to do while Barba moves in slow motion, probably just to annoy him.

“No, counselor. No four-letter words. We’re all adults here. I just wanna know why you’d take my research and throw it in the trash, when it could have won us the case?”

Barba rolls his eyes as he sits behind his desk.

That’s not good.

Sonny is already starting to pick out cuss words in his head, some of which have way more than four letters.

“I don’t know how to be any clearer, Carisi. I told you at the courthouse, the case you brought me was similar, even relevant, but not directly applicable. The judge would have never let me use it to establish th-”

“You don’t know that, Barba.”

“Of course I know that. I know Judge Morris. I know her record. Her views. She’s presided over dozens of my cases. In fact, one time, about four years ago, I tried to introduce a case from out of state, too. I knew better, unlike you, but I was desperate, because I had no alternative. No other witnesses to fall back on. See, Carisi? That’s when you take a risk. Not when the detectives working a case fail to convince a witness to testify. Consider that a free lesson.

“And my case was identical, by the way. No interpretation needed. Unlike your flimsy connection between rapists and white supremacists, the facts were exactly the same. That’s why I tried to use it. But Judge Morris wouldn’t have it. The facts were the same, but the statutes weren’t. And she let me know. ‘This isn’t Rhode Island, Mr. Barba. This is New York. Do you need a map?’ That’s what she told me.”

Oh.

Sonny didn’t kn…

“Listen, Carisi. You graduated law school five minutes ago. I’ve been at this for a while. Spending fifteen years as an A.D.A. gives you some insider knowledge. It teaches you to pick your battles.

“Being belittled in court before losing a motion helps no one. It only weakens your case. It makes you look desperate, which may very well be true, but you don’t want the judge to know that. You have a reputation to uphold, and a case to protect. There are Hail Marys, and then there are stupid moves.”

Right.

Stupid.

Sonny didn’t know that.

Didn’t know any of that.

Sonny doesn’t have ‘trial experience.’ He doesn’t know the judges, he doesn’t know the defense attorneys, and they don’t know him. Sonny has no reputation to uphold.

Sonny just knows the law. And the victims.

Sonny knows the victims, and that’s the problem.

That’s why h-

“Alright? Does that satisfy your curiosity? Are you convinced I am not, in fact, an idiot who threw his own case for no reason? Or, wait, did you think I had a reason, Carisi? Did you think maybe I didn’t use your ‘research’ because it came from you? Because we’re not buddies anymore, apparently? Did you think I’d let my ego cost us the case?”

The way Barba intones ‘buddies’ makes Sonny wince.

That’s not what he meant.

“That’s not what I meant, Barba.”

Barba starts typing on his laptop.

Like he’s bored.

Done.

Like he’s done with this conversat-

“I don’t care what you meant, detective. Are we done here?”

No.

“No. We’re not done. Sure, maybe you tried before, with the same judge, but that was four years ago. You can’t be sur-”

“Enough, Carisi. And I would appreciate it if you stopped raising your voice every five minutes. If you’re trying to intimidate me, it’s not working.  Also, if you’re trying to intimidate me, you’re dumber than I thought.”

Well.

Barba hadn’t insulted Sonny’s intelligence in over a year.

The streak had to end sometime.

The worst part is, Sonny didn’t even realize he was yelling.

“I’m not tryin’ to intimidate you, Barba. I’m just mad. Okay? Can’t a guy be mad?”

Barba keeps typing.

“Sure. Just go and be mad outside my office, please. I’m busy.”

‘Busy.’

Busy booking another vacation, probably, while Sonny tries to talk to him about a case. About justice. About what’s right.

Barba doesn’t car…

That’s not true.

Barba cares.

Barba gets frustrated, too. He just doesn’t get mad.

Sonny hasn’t mastered that trick yet.

Maybe it comes with experience.

Sonny doesn’t have experience, so he gets mad, and he tries to intimidate people, apparently, which is something he swore he’d never do, and if that’s how he comes across now, then what’s the poin-

“I can clearly see you being mad in my office, Carisi. When I specifically asked you not to.”

Sonny gapes.

Is Barba quoting The Office?

That kinda takes the wind out of Sonny’s sails. It’s hard to stay mad at someone who’s quoting Michael Scott.

“Uh. Well… I gotta… Where else am I gonna go? You’re the one who made me mad, Barba. Now you gotta suffer.”

Barba keeps on typing.

“I’m not the one who made you mad.”

It’s funny how Barba thinks he can psychoanalyze Sonny while compiling an email.

“That so?”

Barba clicks his mouse.

Hits ‘send,’ probably.

“Yes. I don’t know why you’re mad, detective, but it’s not because of me. I’ve been playing nice, if you hadn’t noticed. For a long time, now. I’m sure I’ve done nothing to upset you. No jokes, no insults.

“I’ve just been doing my job. Incidentally, it is my job. Not yours. It’s my job to decide which arguments to use during a trial. It’s not your job to do ‘research,’ or to provide me with strategy tips, when you don’t have all the facts.”

Sonny bites his tongue.

Literally.

Metaphorically, he can’t help opening his big mouth.

“You don’t even want this job.”

Barba picks up his phone.

More distractions.

More reasons to look away.

The light from the screen illuminates his face.

His tan hasn’t even faded yet.

“Don’t I?”

Sonny tries not to lose his temper.

“No, Barba. You don’t. You don’t want this job. You say you do, but you don’t act like it. You almost got fired from bein’ a Manhattan A.D.A., a job others would kill for, and you don’t give a shit. You went on vacation during your suspension. You d-”

“Would you kill for this job, Carisi?”

Dammit.

Barba failed to psychoanalyze Sonny while compiling an email, but he’s definitely succeeding now, while compiling a text.

“I didn’t s-”

“Is that what this is about? Envy? That’s why you’ve been so angry? Why you barely talk to me, ever since I helped you get that job interview in Brooklyn?”

Sonny doesn’t answer.

He doesn’t have to. Barba knows wh-

“I suppose I was wrong. I am the one who made you mad. I apologize for thinking you could handle rejection like an adult.”

‘Rejection.’

Great.

Barba knows what happened.

Of course he does.

He always does.

Sonny didn’t tell him.

Sonny didn’t talk to Barba after the interview at all.

For days.

Not even to say thank you.

At first, Sonny was trying not to jinx it.

Sonny thought he aced that interview.

Then, after the email, Sonny just didn’t feel like seeing Barba’s smug face as he explained he was grateful for the recommendation, but he failed to get the job.

Sonny doesn’t like to admit failure. He’s worked too hard, all his life, and he’s had more hits than misses, but that only makes the misses more painful. That’s why Sonny thanked Barba, way back when, before the results of the bar exam were even posted. Just in case.

That one was a hit. Sonny passed the bar exam, with flying colors.

The job interview was a miss. And it stings. And this is the first time Barba’s mentioned it, since then. Even though he’s clearly known about the rejection, this whole time.

That stings even more, for some reason. Sonny never told anyone he was rejected. Liv, and Fin, and Amanda, they all asked, and he mumbled something about wanting to stay with SVU ‘for now.’ Like staying was his choice. Like he had a choice.

Sonny was hoping Barba would assume the same thing.

That was obviously too much to hope for. La Rossa probably forwarded that rejection email to Barba himself. They’re friends. They probably had a good laugh over it. Barba read all about Sonny’s shortcomings, all about Sonn-

“For my personal safety, Carisi, I feel I should tell you this is not how we do things here at the D.A.’s office. You will not get my job if you murder me in a fit of rage. You know that, right? You’d just be creating a vacancy. There’s a whole process, after that. Applications, deadlines, two rounds of interviews. Killing me would only be the first step.”

Sonny snorts.

Much as he appreciates the joke, he hates this.

Sonny hates that he’s so mad. He swore he’d never become this person again, and now here he is.

Sonny hates that he keeps snapping at Barba for something that isn’t Barba’s fault. Sonny is the one who failed. Barba only tried to help him. Barba didn’t do anything wrong. Barba may be arrogant, and he may be flaunting the fact he’s an A.D.A. while Sonny is not, but that’s just the truth.

Sonny couldn’t get the job. What’s done is done. No need to murder anybody.

“I don’t wanna kill you, counselor.”

Barba chuckles.

“That’s a relief. If only your face didn’t suggest otherwise.”

Barba is in a good mood, all of a sudden. Probably because he thinks he figured out Sonny’s big secret. His jokes are all pointed, they’re all subtle jabs at Sonny’s attitude, but there’s no malice behind them now.

Barba is rarely in a good mood these days.

Sonny’s current mood leaves a lot to be desired, but still, this could be an opportunity to clear the air between them.

Sonny hates that he’s so mad.

Maybe talking about it will help.

Maybe Sonny can understand Barba’s point of view.

“Do you want this job, Barba? Be honest. ‘Cause, let me tell you, I would kill for it. Not you, but… You know what I mean. It’s not envy. It’s resentment. I don’t wanna be, but I am resentful ‘cause you have the job I couldn't get, and you’re puttin’ it at risk, like it’s not a big deal. I busted my ass to finish night school, to get my law degree, and I studied day and night to pass the bar exam, and I wanted…”

Sonny exhales.

“That job, in Brooklyn, it was a way out. A different way to help. I wanted it. And I couldn’t get it. And now here you are, jeopardizing your position doing God knows what, tampering with witnesses God knows why, and you get busted, and you’re lucky enough to keep your job, and you don’t even care. You come back from your relaxing vacation, with your golden tan and sand still in your shoes, and you won’t even look at me when I wanna discuss a case, ‘cause you’re that bored. ‘Cause you don’t wanna be here. ‘Cause y-”

“I love this job.”

Sonny blinks.

His anger, his resentment, they dissipate instantly.

There’s more emotion in Barba’s eyes than Sonny has ever seen.

Barba is looking right at him now, and Sonny regrets asking.

“I do. Oh, I really do. But sometimes…”

Barba is smiling.

Not at Sonny.

Not because of Sonny.

Barba is smiling a crooked smile that Sonny can’t decipher.

“Sometimes what?”

Barba’s smile gets wider.

Sonny thinks he can see wistfulness, now. And a hint of condescension, probably because Sonny had to ask. Because Sonny doesn’t get it.

How is Sonny supposed to get it? He and Barba are nothing alike. Barba has been an A.D.A. for fifteen years. Sonny graduated law school five minutes ago. Sonny doesn’t have the experienc-

“Sometimes I think it would be better if I left it.”

Oh.

Maybe Sonny and Barba do have something in common.

“That why you came clean? Liv said… She said you talked to the D.A. about your… Whatever it was, whatever Willard had on you, Liv said you confessed. Even though your secret wasn’t exposed. Is that why? Were you hoping you’d lose your job? Deep down?”

Barba smiles.

This time, it’s because of Sonny.

Sonny can tell.

Barba is smiling genuinely, for once.

Not an ounce of condescension.

“I see you remember our conversation. The one about my suicidal streak.”

Sonny can’t help smiling back.

He could never forget that conversation.

Simpler days.

Happier days.

Sonny could never forget the look on Barba’s face, in that corrid-

“Maybe you’re right, Carisi. I don’t know. I don’t know what I was hoping for. I just wanted to roll the dice. Let the chips fall where they may. Wait, am I mixing metaphors?”

Barba smiles again.

He’s in a very good mood.

Maybe he didn’t know what he was hoping for, when he went in for that meeting with the District Attorney, but it’s clear he likes what he got.

He got to keep his job.

Barba loves this job.

Even if he was ready to leave it.

Love isn’t enough, sometimes.

What Sonny saw as indifference, it was fatigue.

They’re all tired.

Barba just took a chance.

Sonny wishes he could take a chance too. Roll the dice. Except he feels like someone else is holding the dice, and he’s just along for the ride, and now Sonny’s the one mixing metaphors, and Barba is still smiling, they’re smiling at each other, and Sonny remembers what it was like to feel good.

“How did you feel, Barba?”

“Hm?”

“When you found out you still had a job to come back to, after the suspension. After you booked your trip to the Caribbean, after you packed your linen suits, how did you feel?”

Barba keeps on smiling.

“I was relieved.”

Sonny thought as much.

“Because, when the chips were down, you knew you wanted to stay?”

Barba shakes his head.

“No. I was relieved because the D.A. thought I deserved to stay.”

Oh.

This never occurred to Sonny. Barba, doubting himself like that.

Sonny gets the urge to defend Barba, which is something he hasn’t felt in a long time.

“Of course you deserve to stay, counselor. Come on. If anybody does, it’s you.”

Barba narrows his eyes.

“Is that so? I thought I was, and I quote, jeopardizing my position doing God knows what, and tampering with witnesses God knows why, and I got busted. End quote.”

Sonny sighs.

“I’m sorry, Barba.”

Barba looks amused.

“For?”

Fair enough.

“I shouldn’t have said that. It wasn’t my place. Whatever you did, it’s in the past. I told you. You’re a great A.D.A., and… And of course you love your job. I know that. It’s been almost three years now. I know you. I see how hard you fight. I see how hard these cases hit you. Every day. And I ain’t helping, either. Not anymore. I’m… I’m making things worse for you, sometimes. I’m sorry.”

Barba opens and closes his mouth in surprise.

“I wasn’t expecting to get that apology tonight, Carisi, but it was long overdue, so I’ll take it.”

Sonny wasn’t expecting to deliver that apology, either.

It was long overdue.

Sonny hates that he’s so mad. Sonny hates that he keeps snapping at Barb-

“I was expecting an apology for suggesting I would ever willingly jeopardize a case. For thinking I would let the River Rapist walk, just because I didn’t want to use your suggestion. For thinking I would let Willard walk, because I had a weak spot, and he found it.”

Wait.

“I never thought that, Barba. Honest to God. The Delaware case, sure, I didn’t know why you wouldn’t use it, and I got mad. I took it personally. I’m sorry. But the blackmail? Never. I knew you wouldn’t drop the charges against Willard, no matter what dirt he had on you. You wouldn’t let him get away with it. I never doubted that.”

Barba looks like he may or may not believe that.

It’s the truth.

Sonny was surprised Barba even had a weak spot, at least one which could be easily discovered. Sonny was shocked to hear Barba would ever tamper with a witness, at least not without making sure he wouldn’t get caught. But Sonny never doubted th-

“No? Well, thank you for the vote of confidence. But, just for the record, there’s no dirt.”

No.

Sonny doesn’t want to hear this.

Barba’s weak spot, whatever it is, whatever reason Barba had to tamper with a witness, Sonny doesn’t want to hear it, because he already resents Barba for it, for risking everything, and he doesn’t want to know what it is that Barba values more than the job.

It’s not anything disgraceful.

Sonny knows that in his gut.

Barba is a good person.

Sonny knows that, and that’s all he needs to know. The details don’t matter. Sonny has no desire to hear wh-

“I don’t know what you think I did, Carisi, but there’s no dirt. No shame. What I did was wrong, but the truth is, I’d do it again.”

Oh.

Sonny may not want to hear this, but it seems that Barba wants to tell him.

‘Just’ for the record.

Maybe Barba doesn’t want Sonny to think the worst.

To think he’s dirty.

Sonny would never think that.

Barba keeps staring.

Clearly waiting for a question.

Sonny may not want to hear this, but he will ask.

It’s what Barba wants.

Barba wants to talk.

Maybe talking about it will help.

“What did you do, Barba?”

Barba’s shoulders relax.

“Willard hacked my bank account. He discovered that, for the past several years, I’ve been making regular payments to an account belonging to a young woman. Willard assumed the money was in exchange for sexual favors.”

Whatever Barba’s secret is, Sonny knows that’s not it.

“So what’s the real reason? Why are you’re sending her money?”

Barba smiles that lopsided smile again.

“She’s the daughter of a witness, from an old case. About ten years ago, I was prosecuting a man who raped and killed two women. The mother, she was a heroin addict, but she was also my only witness. On the day of the trial, she showed up so strung out she could barely talk. The judge wouldn't give me a recess. I had to put her on that stand, or I had no case.”

Sonny leans in, and wishes that desk weren’t between them. Barba’s never shared anything about his past.

“And?”

“And, she asked for a loan, and I gave it to her. I knew what she was going to do, and I still gave her money. It was the only way. So, she bought what she bought, and she did what she did, and she got on the stand. She buried the guy. She sent a really bad man to prison for the rest of his life, and she died of an overdose, eight hours later, leaving behind her ten-year-old daughter.”

“The girl you’ve been helping.”

Barba nods.

“She lives with her grandmother. They're broke. I do what I can.”

Sonny smiles.

That’s not dirt.

Barba is clean.

Still.

Fifteen years as an A.D.A. and Barba is still clean.

There’s no need for resentment anymore.

If Barba values anything more than the job, it’s justice.

That’s why Barba risked everything.

Why he ‘tampered’ with a witness. To get a truthful testimony. To get justice.

Sonny is grateful he got to hear this.

“Thank you for tellin’ me, counselor. Witness tampering, my ass. You didn’t obstruct justice. Justice was served. Like I said, you deserve to be here. You did a good thing.”

Barba tilts his head.

“A good thing? Really? Even though a woman’s death is on my hands? Even though I’m the one who made a ten-year-old girl into an orphan?”

Sonny doesn’t hesitate.

“Yes. It’s terrible that a woman had to die, but yes. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

Sonny knows Barba did the right thing. He wishes he had done the sam-

“Don’t say that, Carisi. Don’t say I did a ‘good’ thing, so casually. I may not regret it, but it was still wrong. I may not be ashamed, but I still blame myself for her death. You don’t know what that’s like.”

If only that were true.

“Trust me, Barba. I know. Maybe you think that woman’s death is on your hands, but the truth is, she was sick. You didn’t cause her death, and you couldn’t have prevented it. If it hadn’t been that hit, it would have been the next one.

“You didn’t get her killed. You made her death count. She saved people. You saved people. The women this guy would’ve raped and killed. That’s what counts. This guy, he’s still in prison, right? That’s what counts. You stopped him. Imagine knowin’ he was out there, killing people, because of you. That’s guilt. Knowin’ you could have stopped it.”

Barba stays silent.

For far too long.

That’s never a good thing.

“What is it, Carisi?”

Sonny frowns.

“What? Nothing, I’m just…”

“What is it? What do you think you could have stopped? Someone’s death?”

Sonny can feel his heart rate spiking.

He wants to sink into the chair.

He wants to run out of Barba’s office, and never come back.

He doesn’t talk about this.

To anyone.

Sonny hadn’t said Bobby Bianchi’s name out loud in years, until that interrogation. It took him days to recover, afterwards. To stop feeling guilty. To stop being angry.

It didn’t last, of course. Sonny’s had his bouts of anger since then, but those first few days, they were bad. He doesn’t want an encore. If he dredges that up again, it might take him weeks to calm down.

Sonny is angry enough as it is.

He doesn’t need that.

He needs to get up and walk away.

Like he always does, when someone asks.

Sonny can’t t-

“I showed you mine, Carisi.”

Barba has a point.

Barba isn’t letting this slide.

Barba is asking, and Sonny can’t just walk away. Not during this conversation. Not after what Barba told him.

Not when Barba is looking at him like that.

With curiosity.

With concern.

Sonny takes a deep breath. The faster he gets it out, the better.

“It’s nothing you haven’t heard before, counselor. Scrawny kid gets picked on. Bullied. At school, in the neighborhood, you name it. It’s the same old story.”

Barba smiles knowingly.

Like Sonny’s abrupt opening actually makes sense to him.  

Like maybe he got picked on, too, when he was a k-

“Were you always this scrawny, Carisi? I always pictured you as a tubby kid. All that homemade Italian food. I figured you hit a growth spurt later in life.”

Sonny starts laughing.

He wasn’t expecting that from Barba.

A sweet joke.

Anything sweet.

“I, uh… Well, my mom’s cooking is amazing, so you got that right, but no, I was always pretty scrawny. All that running around, probably. Gettin’ into trouble. You know how that goes. I mean, I did hit a growth spurt when I was, like, seventeen, but it just made me even scrawnier.”

Barba nods.

He doesn’t push for more.

Barba seems content to watch Sonny laugh.

For a moment, Sonny forgets what he’s doing. Sonny forgets he’s supposed to be sharing a deep, dark secret, and he thinks he’s just recounting an old schoolyard tale to a friend.

A fun memory.

Sonny’s heart rate is normal again.

Maybe that’s the trick.

What he’s about to say is not fun, but it is a memory. It’s over. It’s in the past, and maybe Sonny can leave it there. Maybe, like Barba, Sonny can learn not to be ashamed.

“Anyway, uh, everybody used to pick on me, but the worst was this one kid, Bobby Bianchi. One day, when we were at school, he grabbed me by the hair and he shoved my face through a plate glass window. I was bleeding, I was all cut up. It was a mess. One of the teachers called the principal, and he asked me what happened.

“I could have put an end to it, right there. All I had to do was say Bobby’s name. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t want Bobby to get into trouble. So I just kept quiet. I said I tripped. Nobody ever knew what happened. Bobby kept on bein’ a bully, and I kept on bein’ scared, until he changed schools when we were in seventh grade. I was ecstatic. I thought I’d never have to hear his name again.”

Barba looks equal parts captivated and confused.

Sonny doesn’t blame him. Barba is expecting a story about guilt and death, and Sonny is talking about schoolyard bullying. That’s a pretty big leap.

Except when it’s not.

“Bobby Bianchi, he’s in Sing Sing now. He stabbed some poor sap to death during a bar fight. I found out from my mom, a few years back. Our moms are still friends. ‘Cause… ‘Cause my mom doesn’t know it was him. She just knows she has a klutzy son who walks into windows face-first.”

Barba no longer looks confused.

He looks exasperated.

“You can’t possibly blame yourself for that, Carisi. This Bobby, he bullied you when you were, what, ten years old? And you blame yourself for a murder he committed two decades later? You think you could have stopped that? By telling the principal? You think that would have made a difference?”

Sonny does.

“Yeah. I do. Not a day goes by that I don't regret keeping my mouth shut. I always think, what if I would have said something? Maybe that guy would still be aliv-”

“Oh please. If you had said something, Bobby would have kicked your ass, next time he saw you. And then you would have learned that, sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is a perfectly valid choice. At least if you want to stay in one piece. And I say this from experience.”

Oh.

Barba did get picked on, when h-

“You know better than this, Carisi. You can’t blame the victim. Not even when it’s you.”

Huh.

Sonny hadn’t thought of it that way.

With good reason.

“I’m not the victim, Barba. That guy who got stabbed, he’s the real victim.”

Barba raises both eyebrows.

“Real? All victims are real, Carisi. Just because Bobby Bianchi didn’t kill you, it doesn’t mean you weren’t hurt.”

Sonny’s knee starts bouncing.

Barba is right.

Sonny was hurt.

Sonny was changed.

That’s when he started getting angry.

After he had to have nineteen stitches. After he had to suffer through months of ridicule from all the kids at school, including his own sisters, who were making fun of him both for his busted face and for the dumb way he got hurt.

Sonny never told them the truth, either.

After that, Sonny started shoving around other, smaller kids at the playground, until Theresa grabbed him by the ear and told him to behave.

Sonny kept picking fights, but only when she wasn’t there to see it.

That anger, it never went away.

Throughout high school, throughout college even, that anger was always there.

It’s still there, but it’s kept at bay, when things are going well.

When things are tough, Sonny has to struggle with it.

He doesn’t always win.

When he was a senior in high school, after a bad breakup, Sonny got drunk for the first time. Somehow, someway, he and his best friend Jason came to blows. They used to be inseparable. Sonny broke Jason’s nose. They fell out, after that fight. Sonny still doesn’t remember what started it. He only remembers blind rage, and blood gushing from Jason’s nose. Blood, getting on his shirt.

When he was a junior in college, after a final that didn’t go his way, Sonny picked a fight at a frat party, with some guy he’d never met. The guy accidentally shoulder checked him, and Sonny snapped, and within ten seconds a shoving match turned into an all-out brawl. Sonny had started working out by then, looking to get into the Academy, so he handled himself a little too well. The people at that party, some of them Sonny’s friends, they looked at him differently after that.

Like he used to look at Bobby.

Sonny hated putting that look on people’s faces.

That’s why he tried to stop.

To change.

To be less angry.

Sonny tried, and it wasn’t easy, and it took time, but he succeeded.

After college, Sonny got into the Police Academy, like he always dreamed, and then he graduated at the top of his class, and then he got into law school, and then he made detective, and then he found a home at SVU.

That helped.

Sonny found peace. He managed to simmer down, as the years went by. With age comes wisdom. Sonny left that angry college kid behind.

Sonny found his old self, his carefree self, his innocent self, his goofy self, his happy self, and he remembered what life was like before he knew about the Bobby Bianchis of the world.

Sonny liked being happy.

He swore he’d never get that angry again.

It didn’t work out that way.

Sonny had gone years without an outburst, but streaks are meant to be broken.

Right?

And Sonny broke his streak.

Many times.

So many, it’s hard to keep track.

Sonny remembers that dentist, who molested his own niece. Sonny remembers almost breaking his fingers.

Sonny remembers Tommy, bailing out on Bella. Sonny remembers grabbing him by the throat.

Sonny remembers seeing that little girl in a cage. Sonny remembers wanting to kill whoever was responsible.

Sonny remembers that pastor who raped a thirteen-year-old and got her pregnant. Sonny remembers wanting to punch him in the face.

Working Special Victims isn’t easy.

That’s why Sonny has been cutting himself some slack, in the past few years.

He thinks that’s where he went wrong.

That can be a slippery slope.

Sonny used to be able to shake those incidents, moments after they happened. That anger, it was transient. It came and it went. It didn’t permeate him. It didn’t fester in him.

It’s gotten worse.

He’s gotten worse.

Now, it’s not just heinous crimes, or somebody hurting his family.

Now, Sonny gets mad over nothing.

Over anything.

Sonny is having a tough time, he’s under pressure, and his anger keeps building, and festering, and he keeps snapping at people, he keeps snapping at Barba, too, more often than not, and he hates it, and he wants it to stop, because he can’t afford to lose friends every time life doesn’t go his way.

Sonny has to change, again, becaus-

“Carisi? Are you… Did I overstep? I apologize. It’s none of my business.”

Barba is frowning.

There’s no need.

All victims are real.

Sonny needed to hear that. Sonny needed to think about that.

This talk with Barba, it was therapeutic, even if most of it took place inside Sonny’s head.

“No. You didn’t. You didn’t overstep, counselor. Uh. Listen, you said something, before. About me trying to intimidate you. Or, or about me lookin’ like I wanted to kill you. I d-”

“I was joking, Carisi.”

Sonny is heartened by the fact Barba felt the need to clarify that.

“I know. I know you were joking. Just hear me out. Um. You wouldn’t know it from lookin’ at me, but I always had trouble with my temper. Ever since Bobby Bianchi. You said it. I was hurt. I was a victim, too, and I didn’t even know it. For years. I was always acting out, and getting into trouble, and, uh, there were a couple of incidents that got out of hand, when I was younger, and…”

Sonny sighs.

He doesn’t know how much of his inner monologue he needs to share with Barba. How much of his past. He just knows he has to explain.

“I’m not tryin’ to make excuses here, Barba, but when I’m under a lot of stress, I have a hard time keeping myself under control. Sometimes. I’m not… I don’t get violent. Not anymore. But I… I blow up. Without provocation. And, well, it’s been a rough year, and that’s why I’ve been… you know. The way I’ve been.”

Barba is still frowning.

“No need to explain, detective. This is a stressful line of work. We’ve all been there. It’s fine.”

No.

Sonny needs to explain.

“I had a pretty good run. I was pretty happy. For years. I had dreams, I had big plans. I was working toward my goals. Everything was goin’ right. And then somebody threatened to kill you. Not that… Obviously that’s… You were the one most affected by that. Of course. I’m not comparin’ our situations or anything. I just… It wasn’t easy for me either. I seriously thought about leaving, back then.

“And then Dodds died, and… And I couldn’t leave, after that. I couldn’t leave the squad. I didn’t wanna leave. I told you, remember? And then, when the dust settled, when everybody started moving on, I figured maybe I could try again. And you helped me, you got me that job interview, but I screwed that up, and then I screwed everything up, by bein’ an asshole to you, and then I had a cop hold a gun to my head, and I thought I was gonna die, and all I f-”

“What?”

Barba looks shocked.

He didn’t know.

Sonny forgot.

“Yeah. Tom Cole, remember that case? He held a gun to my head, when we went up to his farmhouse. Liv took him out. That’s not the point.”

Barba is blinking rapidly.

“What do you mean that’s n-”

“That’s not the point, Barba. The point is, I thought I was gonna die, and all I felt was regret. ‘Cause I’ve been slipping. I’ve spent months being this angry asshole, and I can’t stop. I try, and it works for a couple of weeks, and then something happens and I snap again. I don’t want that.

“I don’t even know if I wanna be a cop anymore. I think that’s the problem. It’s hard not to get angry, when you see what we see. It eats at you. I know bein’ an A.D.A. can’t be that much better, but it’s gotta be a little better. It’s gotta be. It can’t be any worse. Bein’ a cop, it’s… it’s changing me. I’m regressing.  I thought I could handle it, at first, but maybe I can’t. Cole, he was a good guy, and look how he turned out. I don’t want that. I want out.”

Barba looks uncomfortable.

Maybe Sonny shared too much.

Yeah, Sonny definitely shared too much. They were having a cordial conversation, after a long time, and Barba was being supportive, like he used to be, before, and Sonny had to go and ruin it by oversharin-

“Okay, one problem at a time, Carisi. First of all, next time somebody holds a gun to your head, find a better way to tell me. Instead of blurting it out in the middle of an existential monologue. Also, please tell me in a timely manner. Not months after the fact. Alright? You almost dying, that’s information I would like to have, as soon as it becomes available. Alright?”

Oh.

Barba sounds irritated.

He looks worried, brows all furrowed and lips drawn tight, but he sounds irritated.

Sonny thinks this might be Barba’s way of showing he cares.

Irritation.

If that’s true, then it must mean Barba cares about Sonny a lot, becaus-

“Secondly, like I said, there’s no need to explain. It’s fine. You’re fine. You’ve been the world’s friendliest colleague for almost three years. You cook for the squad, you babysit their kids, you bring them coffee. You bring me coffee. You’ve brought me pastries, for no real reason, on more than one occasion. So what if you’re an asshole, every once in a while? You’ve earned it. No one’s going to hold it against you. Least of all me. I’ve been an asshole since birth.”

Sonny grins.

Barba has a way of putting things into perspective.

Of making everything sound easy.

“Thirdly, if you want out, you can get out. If you have dreams, go after them. I don’t see why you hung all your hopes on that one position in Brooklyn. There will be other jobs, Carisi. That was your first interview. You know how many people get a job on their first interview?”

Sonny knows one person who did.

“Other than you?”

Barba smirks.

“Well, yes, but I’m a little older. You’re a millennial. There are some drawbacks to being young.”

Barba isn’t wrong.

Still.

“I know there’s gonna be other jobs, Barba. But the reason I didn’t get that job is the same reason I won’t get any other job. I ‘lack the necessary trial experience.’ And if I wanna fix that, I gotta leave the force.”

Barba bites his lip. It’s very distractin-

“Isn’t that what you want?”

Despite what Sonny may blurt out during his existential monologues, there’s no easy answer to that question.

“I don’t know.”

Barba takes a moment before speaking again.

“The job interview, in Brooklyn, was it you rolling the dice? Leave if you get the job, stay if you don’t?”

That sounds about right.

And kinda scary.

Final.

Sonny never put it in those words, but in retrospect that’s exactly what it was. No wonder he feels so resigned. He didn’t get the job, so he has to stay.

“I guess. I guess we have that in common, counselor.”

Barba smiles a tight smile.

“And how did you feel? When the chips were down?”

That’s a question Sonny can answer very easily.

“Trapped.”

That interview, it was a way out, and Sonny screwed it all up, and now he has no choice but to st-

“I see. And you still feel that way?”

Talk about an easy answer.

“Yeah. What, you couldn’t tell? By the way I’ve been angry, ever since? By the way I start yellin’ at you, at the drop of a hat, every other week? By the way I keep tryin’ to antagonize you, when I used to, uh…”

Starting that sentence was a bad idea. Finishing it will only make things worse.

Thankfully, Barba seems to get it.

Barba’s tight smile unwinds, like he’s letting Sonny off the hook, and h-

“When you used to kiss my ass? Which was your idea of flirting? Yes, I have noticed a shift in your behavior.”

Well.

The use of ‘thankfully’ was premature.

Barba definitely gets it, but Sonny is not feeling very thankful right now.

Worse part is, he can’t even deny it.

It’s true.

Sonny has been flirting with Barba, for years, and Barba has known, for years.

The easy smile on Barba’s face proves it.

Sonny doesn’t know if he should be embarrassed, because Barba called him out, or excited, because Barba finally put a name to whatever it is they have been doing.

‘Flirting.’

Simple as that.

Barba makes everything sound easy.

Barba is still smiling.

Easy.

Like maybe Sonny flirting with him isn’t an entirely unpleasant thought.

Then again, Barba did say he has noticed a ‘shift.’

There hasn’t been much flirting between them, lately.

They barely ever interact.

Sonny lost himself in anger, and resentment, and he let that connection fade.

That potential, Sonny wasted it.

All the progress he had made, after carefully managing to earn Barba’s respect, and then Barba’s friendship, Sonny threw it all away.

Barba’s easy smile, it says maybe that was a mistake.

Maybe they could be having this entire conversation, this de facto therapy session, not as colleagues, or even friends, but as something else.

Something more.

In another life.

In another life, Sonny would have gotten that damn job, and he would have taken Barba out to dinner as a thank you, and they’d be equals, they’d be A.D.A. Carisi and A.D.A. Barba, of Brooklyn and Manhattan respectively, and Sonny wouldn’t be so angry, and he’d finally make a move, like he planned, and maybe Barba would s-

“It’s alright, Carisi. No need to explain that, either. I suspected you were over your infatuation with me. It’s obvious. You used to run into my office every time you passed a class in law school. You used to tell me your actual grades. And now you won’t even tell me somebody almost shot you in the head.”

Irritation.

Caring.

Sonny threw it all away.

Barba cared, and Sonny threw it all aw-

“Also, I believe I overheard Fin telling Rollins about a certain Miss 34B? About a month ago? You cops and your locker room talk. Your girlfriend deserves a modicum of respect. Despite her poor taste in men.”

Great.

Fin and his big mouth.

Now Barba thinks Sonny has a girlfriend.

As if this conversation wasn’t embarrassing enough already.

Sonny has spent the last few minutes trying to avoid eye contact, but that won’t cut it anymore.

He needs to be facing Barba for this.

He needs to explain.

Problem is, Sonny doesn’t know where to begin.

He doesn’t even know why Barba would bring that up.

Any of it.

First, Barba admits they used to flirt, or Sonny did, at least. Then, Barba practically admits he misses Sonny’s oversharing. Then, for the big finish, Barba goes and asks Sonny about 34B, about that stupid pop-up, like it’s in any way relevant.

If Sonny didn’t know any better, he’d think Barba has been waiting to ask that question, for ‘about a month,’ and he thought a clumsy mention of their previous ‘flirting’ would be a good segue.

It’s not.

And Sonny doesn’t have a good answer.

“That wasn’t… That’s done. I don’t have a girlfriend. She wasn’t… She was somebody I knew from Fordham. We were friends. We are friends. We… We gave it a shot, tried dating, but it didn’t work out. That’s all.”

Sonny cringes at his own inability to string a sentence togeth-

“Oh? What happened?”

Barba is smiling again.

Nonchalantly.

His blatantly fake smile does nothing to conceal his interest. He’s been saying ‘no need to explain,’ over and over, to spare Sonny from further embarrassment, but that only applies to soul-baring confessions, apparently. When it comes to 34B, Barba seems pretty intent on getting a detailed explanation.

All Sonny can think to say is, ‘I’m too miserable,’ but he doesn’t think that would be enough to satisfy Barba’s curiosity.

“Well, if my existential monologues didn’t clue you in, Barba, I haven’t exactly been in the mood for romance lately. I mean, I’m not a monk, so I try, and sometimes it’s alright for a month or two, but then it fizzles. My heart’s not it in. I’m just… I’m not in a good place. I can’t be dating anybody right now. I need to figure myself out.”

Barba literally pouts.

“Aw. That’s unfortunate.”

Look at that. Sonny wasn’t expecting Barba to be so understandin-

“I’m sorry, did I say unfortunate? I meant unfortunately trite. How corny can you get, Carisi? Why not add, ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ while you’re at it? You need to ‘figure yourself out’? That’s a terrible excuse. I hope it’s not what you told your friend.”

Sonny cracks up.

That is a terrible excuse. And it’s exactly what he told Claire. And Malia before her, and Paul before her.

None of them believed him, of course, but then none of them put up a fight.

They all reacted like they knew Sonny was blowing them off, but they didn’t care enough to ask for the truth.

Sonny didn’t care enough, either.

That’s the problem.

You gotta care to be honest.

How do you tell someone, ‘I have a temper, and sometimes everything sets me off’? How do you tell them, ‘None of this is your fault, but I’m probably gonna take it out on you anyway’? How do you say, ‘I’m having a tough time, and I’m angry, and you deserve better’?

You don’t.

You don’t say it.

Except Sonny just did. He just told Barba all about it.

Barba cared enough to ask.

Barba asked about Sonny’s guilt, about Sonny’s pain, about Bobby Bianchi, Barba asked about that job interview, about Sonny’s dreams, Barba asked about 34B, too, and Sonny answered every question honestly.

For the most part. There’s still things he hasn’t told Barb-

“Anyway. Enough about your love life, Carisi. Let’s talk about something less unfortunate.”

Sonny snorts.

“You’re casting a pretty wide net, there, counselor. Everything’s less unfortunate than my love life.”

Barba smirks like that’s a good thing.

“Point taken. I’m referring to your professional woes. You say you feel trapped here. Maybe we can fix that. You need experience to get a job as an A.D.A. We can fix that too. The best way would be for you to work as an attorney for a few years, but you say you’re not sure if you want to quit your job. At least not yet. Alright. Those are the facts. So…”

Barba looks strangely focused. His eyes are darting around, like he’s figuring out solutions and calculating all the possible outcomes.

Like he really wants to help.

To fix it.

To fix Sonny’s problems, at least those that can be fixed.

Sonny finds that touching. Barba has always shown him support, in smaller and bigger ways, sometimes generously and sometimes grudgingly, and this time is no different.

That’s a relief.

Sonny would hate to think his behavior ruined th-

“So. You’ll have to make a decision about leaving the force, sooner or later, but in the meantime I could ask Liv if she’d be willing to spare you more often, so you can observe more trials. It won’t be the same as firsthand experience, of course, and you can’t put it on your résumé, but it’ll be better than nothing. Better than you showing up in court only when you have to testify.

“You can watch me work more closely. More extensively. And some of the other A.D.A.s, too. I can talk to them, explain the situation, so they’ll know to expect your questions. And I’ll try to be more available, too. I can teach you some of what I’ve learned. About the judges, or the jury. About the witnesses. About knowing when to attempt a Hail Mary and when to shut up.

“I think that could help, at least for a while. Until you decide what to do. That way you won’t feel like you’re wasting your time. How does that sound?”

Sonny smiles.

That hurts.

It sounds amazing, but it hurts.

Barba wants to help him.

Still.

Barba is the one who got him that job interview in the first place.

Barba has always seen Sonny’s potential, and maybe their personal relationship isn’t what it used to be, because Sonny is too angry for his own good, but that doesn’t mean that Barba will let him flounder.

“That sounds great. Thank you, counselor. I appreciate it. Hey, can I shadow you again, too? I learned so much the last time.”

Barba grins, like that’s a good memory for him as well.

Sonny hopes it is. Working that case, side by side with Barba, it was the most fun he’s ever had on the job, in his entire life.

“No. I’m afraid not, Carisi. Fun as that was, it wouldn’t be appropriate to repeat it. You’re not a law student anymore. You’re just a detective.”

That makes sens-

“For now.”

There it is again.

Barba, seeing Sonny’s potential.

It would be heartwarming if it didn’t hurt so much. Sonny thinks h-

“Of course, if you decide to leave the force, that’s a different story. You could shadow me, as a young attorney. And then, if you decide to go into private practice for a while, that could be arranged. I know a lot of people. With your experience as an SVU detective, I’m sure we could find a spot for you at a criminal law firm.”

Barba makes everything sound so easy.

When Sonny thinks about his future, he gets restless. That’s why he snaps. He feels stagnant, stuck in a bad place and going nowhere.

When Barba talks about it, it’s like a door opens.

Like there’s a way out.

Some problems can’t be fixed.

Sonny’s temper, maybe Sonny’s love life, too, they’re beyond salvation.

Barba seems determined to help him with the rest.

And it’s working.

With every word Barba says, that door opens up a little wider, and it’s making Sonny think he didn’t waste all those years studyin-

“So there’s no need to feel trapped. Okay, Carisi? You still have options. You still have time. And… And friends. Remember that. You still have friends. Maybe that can ease some of the pressure. Help with your anger.”

Oh.

This isn’t just about Sonny’s professional future.

Barba isn’t trying to help him get a job.

It’s not about that.

Barba is trying to help Sonny be less angry.

As a friend.

Barba wants to fix all of Sonny’s problems, apparently, even the ones that are beyond salvation, and that hurts, too.

Barba’s awkward smile, it hurts, because Sonny knows he’s done nothing to deserve it.

Not latel-

“Look, Carisi, I noticed you’ve been having some issues with your temper. I’m not blind. You were the happiest cop I’ve ever met, but your mood has been deteriorating for months. I just assumed it was because of the job. I, uh… Liv may have mentioned something to that effect. She said you told her that being a cop changes you for the worse.

“You weren’t wrong. You wouldn’t be the first bright-eyed rookie to get jaded after a couple of years at SVU. That’s why I helped you get that job interview in Brooklyn. I thought it would be a shame for such a…For such a kind person to, uh… I didn’t want you to lose that. That kindness.”

Sonny is speechless.

He never knew Barba’s reasons for setting up that interview. Or why it happened right after his very first outburst, his first relapse, during the Sean Roberts case. Sonny always wondered why Barba would do something that nice for him, practically five minutes after being yelled at.

Even then, Sonny felt stuck.

Angry.

He was starting to regret his decision to stay, after Dodds, after everyone kept acting like Dodds had never existed, Sonny was starting to think that letting his entire future hinge on that one loss was a bad idea.

Barba could see that.

Even then.

Barba was trying to give him options. The job interview, it ended up making things worse, because Sonny blew it, but Barba’s heart was in the right place.

Sonny smiles.

Barba has a heart.

Barba wanted to preserve Sonny’s ‘kindness.’ Whatever that means. Barba wanted to protect him, in some weird way, to shield him from further damage, and that’s beyond anything Sonny would ever expect from a colleague, or even a friend.

Sonny had no idea.

Knowing that, knowing somebody cared enough to do that, it’s uplifting. Knowing Barba cared enough to d-

“What I didn’t realize was that your temper issues predated your time at SVU. Had I known that, I would have… I would have… I don’t know. I would have handled things differently. I would have talked to you, instead of letting you freeze me out. We could have had this conversation sooner.”

Sonny thinks that would have been nice.

In another life.

“In your defense, counselor, I was hiding it pretty well. I had you thinkin’ I was a walking ray of sunshine. No way you could have known.”

Barba scoffs.

He looks irritated again.

Sonny knows what that means now.

“You weren’t hiding it, Carisi. You were managing it. Very well. For years. Which means you can manage it again.”

‘Again.’

Barba makes everything sound so easy.

Sonny can be kind again.

Calm, again.

The damage is done, it was done a long time ago, but Sonny was managing it. For years, Sonny was happy.

Maybe he can be happy again, too.

With Barba’s help.

When Barba talks, it’s like a door opens. Sonny has been trapped in a tiny, windowless room, and Barba’s support is opening the door, Barba’s smile is tearing down the walls, and the air comes in, and Sonny can see outside, again, like he used to, befor-

“I know we’ve drifted apart, Carisi. I know you’ve distanced yourself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to me. Even now. I’m intimately familiar with guilt, and resentment, and grief. And anger, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. If you want to talk, I’m here. If you have something to say, you can tell m-”

“I’m not over it.”

Barba is startled into silence.

Sonny doesn’t blame him.

That came out of nowhere. Sonny meant to say something else, something like, ‘Thank you,’ but that came out instead, and it’s too late to take it back.

So Sonny doubles down.

“You. I’m not over you.”

Barba stares, eyes wide, just like in that corridor, before everything fell apart.

“My infatuation. My feelings. Whatever you wanna call it. I’m not over you, Barba. Just so you know.”

“Oh.”

Barba is breathing very slowly.

He is very still.

Sonny can see his pulse, ticking, slowly, a small flicker flashing on Barba’s dark neck. His tan hasn’t even faded y-

“Is that why things didn’t work out between you and your friend?”

Sonny can’t believe this is Barba’s first question.

Sonny loves that this is Barba’s first question.

“Maybe. It’s… It’s just another reason why I’ve been so angry. ‘Cause I can’t get anything I want. I couldn’t get that job in Brooklyn, and I couldn’t get…”

Sonny couldn’t get Barba.

Or so he thought.

Sonny takes a deep breath.

“I admire you, counselor. I told you that, before. And I, uh, you know. I’m infatuated. With you.”

Barba lets out a huff of laughter.

Possibly because Sonny deemed it necessary to use air quotes around ‘infatuated.’

Whatever.

“Whatever. I just wanted to do you proud. I wanted a way out, like I said, ‘cause being a cop is taking a toll on me, and I wanted to make somethin’ of myself, I wanted to put my degree to good use, but I also wanted to do you proud. You got me that job interview, and you gave me a glowing recommendation, and don’t even bother denyin’ it ‘cause La Rossa told me, and then I let you down. And… That hit me kinda hard. I felt like I couldn’t look you in the eye, after that.”

“What?”

Barba looks horrified.

Like Sonny just said the craziest thing.

Sonny’s left eye twitches.

He’s an idiot.

Sonny wishes he could turn back time. He wants to go back to the very moment he got that stupid rejection email, and he wants to go tell Past Barba all about it. He wants to ask Past Barba out for a drink to commiserate, and he wants to whine, like a normal person, he wants Past Sonny to complain until Past Barba’s ears fall off. He wants to tell Past Sonny not to alienate himself, he wants to tell Past Sonny he has friends, he has a friend in Barba, he has more, in Barba, and he wants to erase the last six months from existence.

Unfortunately, that’s not an option.

What’s done is done, and now Sonny needs to move on.

This conversation, it’s a good start.

Sonny needs to finish it.

“Yeah. It all snowballed from there. I was angry ‘cause I was stuck at SVU, I was angry ‘cause I had a great opportunity to leave and I blew it, I was angry ‘cause I made you look bad to La Rossa and your old colleagues at the Brooklyn D.A.’s office. That’s why I never told you what happened. Because I knew… Because you… Because I knew you’d think less of me. I always wanted you to see me as an equal, and… And I wasn’t. I wasn’t good enough for that job. Or good enough for you.”

Barba doesn’t blink for what feels like ten minutes.

“That’s why you stopped spending time with me? Because you thought… Who said you’re not good enough for… Who said you let me down, Carisi? Who said we’re not equals? Where are you getting all this? I don’t recall you ever asking me. Don’t put words in my mouth.”

Sonny can’t resist.

“You mean words like, ‘Save it for night school,’ and ‘Booyah, Fordham Law,’ and, ‘Like a broken clock’?”

Barba sighs very aggressively.

“Don’t. Don’t try to change the subject. We’re not talking about your job performance anymore.”

Sonny’s heart starts pounding, and for once it’s not because he’s angry.

“We’re not?”

“No.”

Barba’s ‘no’ is immediate, and honest, and resolute.

Sonny decides to follow his example.

“Okay. I never asked you, ‘cause I didn’t wanna know. It was easier to assume you were gonna turn me down. I didn’t have to hear it. I didn’t wanna give myself one more reason to be mad. At you. At myself. You said it, I distanced myself, and you never made an effort to stop me, so I figured I was doin’ you a favor. I didn’t think you cared, Barba. Obviously, I was wrong. I know that now. Obviously you do care, so I w-”

“Hold on, Carisi. ‘Obviously’? I’m not sure what you think you know, especially since you seem to be so fond of jumping to conclusions, but I would be careful about making assumptions, if I were you.”

Sonny grins.

Just like that, they’re back to their old ways. Sonny, teasing Barba about having a heart, and Barba vehemently denying he has ever had a pulse.

Flirting.

Just like old times.

It feels so excruciatingly good.

So easy.

“It’s not an assumption. In this one conversation, you’ve been more of a friend to me than anybody else. Even though I haven’t been much of a friend to you. I’ve been avoiding you, for months. When we do talk, half the time I end up flying off the handle for no reason.

“I’ve been acting like we’re strangers. I’ve been acting like I didn’t spend two years trying to please you. Like I didn’t lose ten years of my life, when I heard you were getting death threats. Like I didn’t spend two weeks without sleep, until we caught the guys who hired Heredio to stalk you.

“I haven’t been a friend to you, Barba, but you still want to help me. So yeah. You care about me. Obviously. I’m an idiot for thinking you didn’t.”

Barba purses his lips, like he’s trying not to smile.

Like he’s trying not to show his delight, in hearing Sonny putting it all out there.

Like he’s trying not to agree. Like he really wants to say that, yes, Sonny is an idiot, but he knows he can’t, because then he’d be admitting that he does care, and that’s not gonna happ-

“You are an idiot.”

Sonny has never been happier to be called an idiot, in his entire life.

“Alright. Good. So, can I ask you now?”

Barba’s right eyebrow rises, like a dare.

“Ask me what?”

Sonny rolls his eyes.

“Can I ask if you if, uh… If I… Um.”

Dammit.

And Sonny was doing so well.

He’s been honest with Barba so far, for the most part, but there’s one last thing he needs to confess.

“I wanna ask you what I was gonna ask, if I’d gotten the job. I told you I had plans, counselor. Becoming an A.D.A. was just part of them. See, if I weren’t with Manhattan SVU anymore, if I were working in a different borough, there wouldn’t be a conflict of interest. If we, uh. You know. If you and me were to, uh…”

Barba smirks.

“You and I.”

Just like old times.

“Yeah, yeah. You and I. There wouldn’t be a conflict of interest if you and I were to start dating. Now, I’m still a cop, and technically we shouldn’t do this, but I’m askin’ anyway. And I’m hoping you can forget the last six months ever happened, ‘cause Lord knows I wouldn’t wanna date an asshole like me.”

Barba is pursing his lips again.

“But you want to date an asshole like me.”

Sonny laughs.

He missed this.

So much.

Sonny let his anger overwhelm him, Sonny let his anger deprive him of pleasures like joy, and laughter, and Barba’s jokes, and hope, but maybe he can be happy again. He already feels calmer than he has in months.

Free.

Sonny feels free.

“I’d be honored to date an asshole like you, Barba. So, what do you say? Do I have a shot?”

Barba smiles in a way he hasn’t, for a very long time.

With affection.

“Well, I’d say you’re a well-rounded applicant, with excellent credentials, but I fear you might lack the necessary experience.”

Sonny knows rejection when he sees it.

This isn’t it.

Barba is teasing.

Just like Sonny suspected, Barba did read that email from the Brooklyn D.A.’s office, and now he’s even quoting it, on purpose, just to tease Sonny.

Even so, Sonny can’t bring himself to get mad.

Which is a first.

“I see how it is, Barba. I need some experience to date a man like you. Of course.”

Sonny had forgotten how much he loves Barba’s smug little smirks.

“I see you’re back to kissing my ass again, Carisi. The balance is restored.”

Sonny is back to flirting, actually, except this time he’s not relying on vague compliments and friendly smiles. He’s not making excuses about conflicts of interest. He’s not letting his temper dictate his life.

And he’s not taking Barba’s answer for granted, either.

This time Sonny is asking.

This time he’s holding the dice.

“Just for the record, what I lack in experience I make up for in enthusiasm.”

Barba actually licks his lips.

Sonny almost forgets what he was going to say next.

“That being said, I do have some experience. I just don’t know if you’ll find it up to your standards. Tell you what, if you need a reference, you can call Miss 34B. She can tell you all about it. Her name’s Claire, by the w-”

“That won’t be necessary.”

Barba can dish it out, but he can’t take it. His smirk is gone. He’s scowling.

He’s jealous.

He’s shooting Sonny a dirty look, and it’s exaggerated, because it’s supposed to be a joke, but Sonny knows it’s at least fifteen percent serious, if not more. Sonny knows Barba really did get a little bit jealous, and Sonny missed this so damn much.

Their banter.

Their closeness.

That tangible sense of hope that, any minute now, Barba just might kiss him, even if it’s never happened so far.

Sonny used to be in a constant state of hope.

He missed that.

He missed Barba.

“So, what’s it gonna be, counselor?”

Barba doesn’t answer immediately. He wants to make this difficult. Sonny knew it was a mistake to mention Claire ag-

“I didn’t hear a question.”

Of course.

“What, I gotta spell it out? Fine. Would you like to join me for a drink, Barba? Tonight? As soon as you’re done here? Think of it as an apology. For me bein’ an asshole to you, all this time.”

Barba makes a face.

“Can we stop with all this talk about assholes? You…”

Sonny regrets it literally as it happens, but a snort still escapes him.

Barba is not amused, at least going by the way he mutters, ‘Jesus Christ,’ under his breath. Which only makes Sonny want to laugh even hard-

“As I was saying, you made your point. You were going through a difficult time, and that affected your temper. It happens to the best of us. That doesn’t make you an asshole. It wasn’t even that bad. You only think it was, because you’re normally so sweet. Your version of being an asshole is me being slightly nicer than usual.”

Perspective.

Sonny needed to hear th-

“So stop beating yourself up over this. You have enough to feel guilty about. We all do. Forget about how your temper may have affected others. Focus on how it affected you. You don’t like yourself when you’re angry, so focus on that. Worry about that. Don’t worry about me. I don’t need an apology.”

Under any other circumstances, Sonny would be genuinely moved. Barba keeps proving just how much he cares, with every word that comes out of his mouth, and that’s kind of beautiful.

Under these circumstances, Sonny is distracted by the actual words coming out of Barba’s mouth.

He called Sonny sweet.

The Old Sonny, at least. Then again, the more they talk, the longer Barba smiles, the closer Barba gets to saying yes, the more the Old Sonny merges with the New.

There used to be one Sonny, for all seasons.

Maybe that can happen again.

On an unrelated note, Sonny is pretty sure Barba paraphrased The Hulk, right in the middle of that compassionate speech, and that’s kind of beautiful, too, in its own way, and Sonn-

“But to answer your question, yes, I will join you for a drink. And I’m buying. We can celebrate my return, after that brief suspension. Think of it as proof I actually wanted to keep my job. Or, I don’t know. Proof I might actually be happy, after all.”

Sonny doesn’t know what to say.

He made Barba happy.

Just now, with that poorly worded invitation to get a drink.

With this entire conversation, maybe.

That’s what Barba meant.

They talked, and they explained, and they flirted, and now Barba ‘might actually be happy.’

Barba wasn’t happy before.

Sonny wasn’t happy either.

Sonny has to struggle to remember the last time he felt happy, before walking into Barba’s office this afternoon.

It was probably at that bar, after Mike’s funeral, after the death threats, when Barba smiled and said, ‘I’m not worried. Not in here,’ and then they clinked their glasses.

Sonny was a mess, that day, but that gave him an overwhelming sense of joy.

Knowing that Barba felt safe with him.

That’s what Barba meant.

‘I’m not worried. Not in here. Not with you.’

That was a long time ago.

Months and months.

That’s a long time to be unhappy.

Even if you’re used to it, like Sonny is.

Or was.

Barba made him happy.

Just now.

Just talking.

Just saying, ‘yes.’

It doesn’t take much to make either of them happy, apparently. Sonny wishes they had figured that out sooner.

Better late than never.

Plus, if they’re happy now, Sonny can only imagine how they’ll feel when they’re on their date, later tonight. A few drinks in, at a quiet bar, sitting as close as the seats will allow, and leaning in, maybe, and th-

“Let’s go, Carisi.”

Sonny is caught off guard, right in the middle of a daydream, and he gets weirdly nostalgic, because that used to happen all the time.

It takes him a moment to understand what Barba is saying.

There won’t be a ‘later tonight.’ Barba wants them to leave for their date immediately.

“Go? What, right now? We can’t just go. It’s barely six o’clock.”

Barba gives Sonny a deadpan look, and Sonny can just hear the unspoken, ‘Thank you, Carisi, but I can tell time,’ and that feels pretty nostalgic too.

Just like old times.

“Yes, Carisi. Right now. I don’t have to clock out. I can just take the rest of the afternoon off. The perks of being an A.D.A. You wouldn’t know.”

Sonny laughs.

Sonny laughs as Barba stands up and puts on his jacket.

Sonny laughs and stares, noticing just how tight Barba’s shirt is on him, and how the suspenders are accentuating his chest.

Sonny doesn’t know how he lived without this, for six whole months.

And by ‘this’ he means both ogling at Barba, and laughing.

Sonny hasn’t laughed freely in a long time. Not without holding back. Not without consciously ignoring his burdens.

Maybe that’s why it’s flooding out, now.

Why it seems so easy, now, even as Barba is joking about the benefits of the job Sonny couldn’t get. A week ago, a day ago, even, that would have set him off.

Now, Sonny can laugh about it.

It wasn’t even that funny of a joke, but Sonny is happy, and that’s enough. It’s enough to know that Barba isn’t flaunting, he’s teasing, and he cares about Sonny, and Sonny can laugh now.

Sonny isn’t angry anymore.

That’s enough.

Of course, knowing that he’s about to go on a date with Barba doesn’t hurt either.

Speaking of, Sonny really needs to get a move on, because Barba is ready to go, coat and scarf and briefcase and all, and he’s still sitting on that same chair with a doting smile on his face, a leftover from the laughter.

Barba is smiling too, as he waits for Sonny to get up.

Sonny missed this.

The smiles.

The fond looks.

Those silent moments of waiting for something.

The long hours he used to spend in Barba’s office, staring, and trying to pay attention, and daydreaming about what might happen, if he ever made a move.

Or if Barba ever made a move. That was always more intense, in Sonny’s head. It was always out of the blue, and passionate, and mind-blowing.

Sonny wonders how he ever got any work done.

Wait.

Work.

Sonny is just now realizing that, unlike Barba, he is not, in fact, an A.D.A. and he does, in fact, need to clock out.

“Um, I still have a couple of hours left until the end of my shift, Barba. I can’t just take off without tellin’ anybody.”

Barba smirks.

Probably because, despite the feeble protest, Sonny still got up, and put on his coat, and is practically with one foot out the door.

Sonny isn’t missing out on this date for nothing. He’ll just call in sick. Liv won’t m-

“Oh? What did you tell Liv, by the way? About this meeting? Let me guess. ‘Sorry, I’ll need an hour to cuss Barba out, but then I’ll be right back to finish my shift.’ How dedicated. At any rate, don’t worry about Liv. I’ll just text her on the way. Tell her it’s my fault you’re not coming back. Tell her I kept you busy and we lost track of time.”

Barba’s smirk makes that sound a lot dirtier than it should.

Also, Sonny simply told Liv he needed to ‘talk’ to Barba, and that wasn’t a lie, even though Barba’s version would have been a lot more truthful and a little mor-

“Have you eaten yet, Carisi? Probably not. Where would you find the time? You’ve been too busy seething all day. That burns a lot of calories, you know. That’s how I maintain my willowy form.”

Sonny is laughing again. Twice in a couple of minutes.

Not because Barba basically asked him out to dinner.

Not because Barba made a joke about that not-so-willowy form Sonny is particularly fond of.

It wasn’t even that funny of a joke.

Sonny is laughing because Barba joked about his temper.

Casually.

As a friend.

As more than that.

Sonny was always worried that confiding in people about his anger would change things.

He was worried he’d be treated with kid gloves, afterwards. He was worried he’d see pity in the eyes of friends. Or judgment. Or fear, like he has in the past. He was worried he’d get one shot to explain, just one awkward conversation, and then nothing. And then, they’d never mention it again. And then, a polite nod, maybe, or an overly earnest look of sympathy and a total inability to relate.

It’s not easy to talk about these things, but it’s not easy to listen, either.

That’s why Sonny never told anybody before.

He always assumed people would rather avoid the issue altogether.

Not Barba.

Barba is tackling it head-on.

Barba isn’t worried Sonny might get angry, or upset at the mere mention of it, and that thought gives Sonny an unexpected sense of relief.

Knowing that Barba won’t ignore that part of him, because it’d be more convenient to pretend their conversation never happened.

Knowing that Barba is willing to joke about it.

No kid gloves.

No pity.

No judgment.

No fear whatsoever.

Nothing’s changed between them.

Barba still teases Sonny, except now they’ve confided in each other, so Barba has even more ammo.

Maybe that’s changed.

They have the dirt on each other now, except it’s not really dirt, it’s just truth.

Not all change is bad.

They’re closer now, and Sonny welcomes it, because it means they can get personal with their teasing, they can mention his temper, or Barba’s little paunch, not that Sonny would ever joke about that, or th-

“Let’s have an early dinner, first. I think that’s a good idea. We shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach. Who knows what might happen if we were to get drunk?”

Another smirk.

That’s changed, too.

Barba never used to be so blatant with his innuendo.

Even when he’d get a little more daring, Barba would only use suggestive language when he was at a safe distance, usually sitting behind his desk.

Which was courteous, because it afforded Sonny the opportunity to blush semi-discreetly, and delude himself into thinking Barba wouldn’t notice. That desk, separating them, it allowed Sonny to avoid eye contact until the paleness had fully returned to his face.

That’s not possible right now.

Barba is looking directly into Sonny’s eyes.

He’s standing right in front of Sonny, barely a step away, and he’s looking up, and Sonny swears his smirk is ten times more potent from up-close.

His cologne, too.

By the way, just for the record, Sonny knows exactly what would happen if they were to get drunk. He’s pictured it, a million tim-

“Should I take your slack-jawed stare as a yes, Carisi?”

Just like old times.

Kind of.

Sonny got caught daydreaming again, but this time he has a comeback.

“Sure. Sure, counselor. It’s a yes. I mean, an ‘early dinner’ does sound kinda geriatric, but I get it. At your age, it’s recommended to have dinner at six o’clock at the latest. It’s better for your digestive system.”

Barba rolls his eyes.

Sonny missed this the most.

Barba’s fond eye-rolls.

Teasing Barba in return.

It’s fun to tease him back. Especially now, that they’re closer, and they can get personal with th-

“I really wish you hadn’t said that, Carisi.”

Oh.

Maybe they’re not that close, after all.

Wait.

They’re not.

They’re even closer.

Barba is taking that extra step, and there’s no more space between them, and they’re kissing.

Actually no, they’re not ‘kissing.’

They ‘kissed.’

Past tense.

It was over before Sonny even knew it started.

It was out of the blue, but it wasn’t passionate and it sure as hell wasn’t mind-blowing.

Sonny barely even felt it.

Barba planted one on him, a quick peck on the lips, and it’s over now, and Sonny is currently standing there, with his jaw to the floor, thinking about how the last thing he did before their first kiss was joke about Barba’s hypothetical indigestion.

Very smooth.

Not that Barba is faring better. That wasn’t much of a first kiss. Barba was pretty cavalier up until a moment ago, smirking and kissing Sonny all casual and easy, but after that dud, he looks almost timid.

For some stupid reason.

As if Sonny didn’t love every second of that kiss he doesn’t even remember.

Which is fine.

It’s all the more reason to kiss Barba again.

And that’s exactly what Sonny does.

Sonny goes for it, he leans in, and the last thing he sees before he closes his eyes is the return of Barba’s smirk.

The last thing he hears is a small thud, and he guesses it’s Barba’s briefcase, dropping to the floor.

The last thing he feels is Barba’s hands on his jaw.

And then they kiss.

Again.

It’s not a deep kiss. It’s soft, and slow, and Sonny can feel Barba’s fingers moving to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, he can feel Barba’s chest, rising and falling, against his own, he can feel Barba’s stubble, against is face, Sonny can feel Barba’s tongue brushing against his lips, and this is pretty mind-blowing.

And then Sonny wraps his arms around Barba’s waist, and he squeezes, and Barba moans, low, right into Sonny’s mouth, and if Sonny thought he was happy before, he was sorely mistaken.

And then it ends again.

The kiss ends.

Fortunately, Barba lingers this time.

Their faces stay touching. Their noses stay buried in each other’s cheeks. Sonny can feel Barba’s breath, coming and going, a warm beat against his lips. With each breath, Sonny feels a tiny shred of anger, evaporating.

Leftovers.

It’s like Barba’s breath is cleansing him. Every part of him.

Sonny hasn’t felt this calm in years.

And then Barba leans in for more, nose rubbing against Sonny’s, head tilting to switch sides, and this kiss does get deep, and passionate, and Barba keeps sucking on Sonny’s bottom lip, and tugging at the hair on the nape of Sonny’s neck, Barba keeps moaning, getting louder the longer they kiss, getting closer, the longer they kiss, Barba keeps pressing against Sonny, and then Sonny no longer feels calm.

In a good way.

For once.

Sonny doesn’t th-

“Alright. Now that we got that out of the way, can we go have dinner? It’s after six. We’re cutting it close. I don’t like to gamble when it comes to my digestive health.”

Sonny laughs.

Again.

How could he not?

How could Sonny not laugh, when Barba looks so happy?

Sonny keeps laughing as Barba picks up his briefcase and they leave his office.

Together.

Sort of.

Barba lags behind, just a few steps, and Sonny turns around in time to see him talking to Carmen.

“I’ll be taking the rest of the day off. Cancel my 7 o’clock with Harrison’s attorney. Don’t reschedule yet. Let them sweat. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Simple as that.

Maybe someday, maybe in a year or three, Sonny will be doing that too. Enjoying the perks of being an A.D.A. Cancelling meetings, and letting scumbags sweat, just so he can go on a date. With Barba, hopefully. If he’s lucky. If Barba is lucky, maybe they can still have early dinners together, years from n-

“Of course. Have a nice evening, Mr. Barba. Detective, you too.”

Sonny grins.

Carmen totally knows, going by her fleeting smile.

And Barba knows that she knows, going by his fleeting scowl.

Sonny decides to push his luck and say something ‘funny,’ like he used to.

That’s another thing Sonny missed. His own terrible jokes. Is that weird?

Probably.

Sonny is about to tell Carmen he’ll take real good care of her boss, when he feels warmth, on the small of his back.

It’s Barba’s hand.

Leading him outside.

It’s possible Barba could tell Sonny was about to say something dumb, and the hand is meant to shush him.

It’s also possible that Barba just wanted to touch Sonny.

Sonny doesn’t know which explanation he prefers.

He just knows he’s grinning even wider, as Barba catches up to him and they walk away, side by side.

He just knows they’re going on a date.

An early dinner, and then drinks, and then God knows what.

Actually, Sonny knows exactly what.

He’s pictured it a million times.

~ ~ ~

Sonny can’t sit still.

He’s too impatient.  

Too energized.

Too happy.

It’s a slow day, and it’s still early, and he’s been trying to distract himself with a crossword puzzle, but it’s not really working.

Mostly because he gets stuck on every other word.

Sonny never liked crossword puzzles.

Still, it’s a better distraction than most. It looks professional, at least, when he’s on his desk, pen in hand, jotting something down every few seconds. It sure beats him playing a random game on his phone, and looking like he’s goofing off on the job.

Sonny isn’t goofing off. As soon as they get a case, he’ll get right on it, with his usual dedication.

Just without his usual anger.

Until then, this is a slow day, and it’s still early, and Sonny is impatient, and he’s stuck on another word again, and he needs to get up to stretch his legs.

The first thing he sees, as he paces across the station, is Fin, looking antsy.

Antsier than Sonny, even.

Which makes him an even better distraction.

“Hey, any word?”

“No. Stop asking?”

Whoa.

That Sergeant’s exam is sure making Fin lose his cool.

Sonny is kind of glad to see this new side of him. It’s a pleasant surprise. It’s good to know that Sonny wasn’t the exception, when he was freaking out about the results of the bar exam. It’s good to know that even a guy like Fin can get nervous.

It’s almost cute.

In fact, if Fin weren’t Fin, Sonny would tell him just that.

As it is, Sonny just shrugs.

“Alright. It’s just, you know. Sergeant Tutuola’s got a nice ring to it.”

Fin’s glare is enough to get Sonny to turn on his heel.

Sonny is so eager to retreat, that he almost bumps into Jeff from Booking.

Which might be a good thing.

“Hey, what is a ten-letter word for ‘bad luck’?”

Jeff doesn’t seem inclined to help.

Either that, or he’s just as bad at crosswords as Sonny is.

Unfortunately, without Jeff’s help, Sonny is gonna be stuck on that damn word for a whil-

“Misfortune.”

Liv to the rescue.

As always.

Sonny goes back to his desk and fills in the word with enthusiasm. It’s a long one, which means it’s gonna help him figure out a bunch of the other words, too.

And that’s enough to put a smile on his face, apparently.

At least when he’s in a good mood.

And Sonny is in a great mood.

He has another date with Barba.

A late dinner, this time.

At Sonny’s place.

That’s what’s got him all invigorated.

And jittery.

And happy.

It’s a slow day, and it’s still early, and Sonny is happy, and his date with Barba isn’t for another eight hours, and he’s been trying to distract himself with a crossword puzzle, but it’s not really working, because this time it’s gonna be differen-

Sonny’s phone buzzes.

He knows it’s Barba before he even looks.

‘Do you want me to ask Liv to let you off early?’

Oh.

That’s promising.

Probably.

Sonny grins as he types.

‘Why? You can’t wait to see me?’

Sonny counts the seconds until Barba’s next text.

Not in anticipation. He just wants to know how long Barba’s eye-roll will last.

Fourteen seconds.

‘I can wait just fine, Sonny. I just want to make sure you’ll have enough time to cook. You know I can’t eat after six. Unless you want to give me heartburn.’

Sonny doesn’t even know where to start.

Barba calls him ‘Sonny’ now.

That’s a good starting point.

And they have an inside joke.

At least that’s what Sonny likes to call it, even though he knows Barba is just rubbing it in. The fact Sonny saw it fit to call him ‘geriatric’ when they were about to kiss.

In Sonny’s defense, he didn’t know that at the time.

Hell, he barely knew they were kissing while it was happening.

Truth be told, Sonny has teased Barba about that fiasco of a first kiss plenty of times, so he figures it’s only fair if he catches a little grief, too.

Also, yes, Sonny is cooking tonight. And he is beyond ready.

And beyond jittery. Like, way beyond.

‘Don’t you worry, Barba. I got the groceries in the fridge, and I finished my meal prep this morning. Dinner will be on your plate by 5:59.’

Sonny still calls him Barba.

It just feels right.

Also, yes, Sonny did wake up one hour earlier, just to chop up some vegetables and make a marinade.

Only the best for Barb-

‘Meal prep? Is that why it took you over a month to cook for me? You needed all that time to prepare?’

Sonny would be hard-pressed to say no.

He did promise to cook for Barba a while ago. On their very first date, in fact, right after Barba complained his chicken was dry, within earshot of their waiter, in classic Barba style.

The thing is, Barba isn’t wrong.

It takes time to plan a fancy meal.

And it’s going to be very fancy, thank-you-very-much. Barba is clearly a harsh critic, in everything from fashion, to literature, to legal arguments, to classic Italian meals, and Sonny wants to make a good first impression. He just hasn’t had time to cook anything intricate, before tonight. Sonny didn’t want to make a quick pasta for Barba, like he does for all his friends.

Barba deserves a four-course meal.

And it takes time to enjoy a fancy meal, too.

On some days, Sonny and Barba barely have time to eat. Food tends to take a backseat when you’re only free for an hour or two. Sharing a meal can be fun, but they usually prefer to spend their time together a little more creatively.

They’ve actually cancelled four separate dinner dates because of work. The first time, Sonny was all torn up, until Barba said he’d drop by with a pizza, as soon as he was done.

They’ve been having a lot of pizza, this past month.

It’s time for a home-cooked meal.

‘Only the best for you, Barba.’

Sonny stares at his phone for a few seconds, even though he knows it’s no use.

Barba won’t text back.

He won’t send a, ‘See you tonight,’ or a, ‘Looking forward to it,’ or a, ‘Thank you for offering to make dinner, Sonny,’ or even a, ‘Have a nice day,’ like a normal person might.

Like a normal boyfriend might.

That’s Barba’s thing, apparently. He always does this. He doesn’t bother to send a simple, ‘Okay,’ sometimes, even when the conversation requires it. Whenever Sonny asks about it later, he always says, ‘It’s implied, Sonny,’ or, ‘I have better things to do than send you single-word texts.’

Unfortunately, that’s information Sonny didn’t have when they first started dating. He is mildly ashamed to admit that, on the morning after their first date, he sent a desperate, ‘You there, Barba?’ after twenty minutes of getting no response.

Barba immediately replied, ‘Yes.’

Period and all. Just to make a point.  

Sonny knows better now.

That’s the real dirt on Barba. He doesn’t text back.

Which is a small price to pay, if you want to call him your boyfriend.

Not that Sonny does that.

Not out loud.

Not yet.

Anyway.

It’s back to the crossword puzzle.

Actually, maybe Sonny should go bug Fin again. It’s been a few minutes. Maybe the exam results were posted while he was texting Barba.

It’s worth a shot. If only to see Fin’s expression when he tells Sonny to buzz off.

Sonny missed that too.

Not being told to buzz off, of course. Not exactly.

Sonny just missed going around the precinct and annoying everybody with his eagerness.

With his happiness.

He used to do that all the time.

Sonny was pretty happy. For years.

And now he’s happy again, and he’s back to bouncing off the walls with a grin on his face.

All day long.

All month long.

Why stop now?

Fin looks distracted with a phone call, so Sonny tries to get up as discreetly as he can. He figures it’s better if Fin doesn’t see him coming.

No such luck.

Fin cuts him off with a sharp glare.

Sonny sits his ass back down.

The crossword it is.

What’s a seven-letter word for t-

Wait.

Another text.

A whopping seven minutes later.

Maybe Barba is learning to be a little more demonstrative.

‘I spoke to A.D.A.  Mendez, she’s fine with you observing her on Thursday, on that double homicide trial, as long as you clear it with Liv first. You need to broaden your horizons, Sonny. Criminal Law isn’t just Special Victims.’

Or not.

Sonny smiles, anyway.

Barba is still helping him.

Barba is fixing all of Sonny’s problems, even those that seemed like they were beyond salvation.

The door is open.

There’s a way out, now.

Sonny is on his way out.

Out of that slump.

He feels happy now, because his previously unfortunate love life has suddenly picked up, and because he’s broadening his horizons professionally, and because things are going well, all courtesy of Barba, the love life especially, but Sonny knows he’s not done struggling.

Things won’t always go well.

Maybe Sonny will strike out on another job.

He probably will.

Maybe there’ll be another bad case.

There will definitely be another bad case.

Maybe Barba won’t always be there.

It’s certainly possible, likely, even, and Sonny needs to be ready to handle th-

‘See you tonight, Sonny. And I hope you haven’t made dessert. I made flan. My mother’s recipe.’

Oh.

Barba made flan.

His mother’s recipe.

For Sonny.

Also, and perhaps more importantly, he texted back.

Maybe Barba leaving is not that likely.

Sonny will be ready, either way.

For everything.

For good things, too.

Sonny had forgotten what it’s like to look forward to something.

To hope.

He remembers, now.

He hopes Barba will like his cooking.

He looks forward to trying Barba’s flan.

Happiness can be found anywhere.

Sonny remembers, now.

Barba opened that door, but Sonny will make sure it stays open.

‘I can’t wait.’

[abundantmami]

Here It Goes

I don’t even know where to begin but I’m going to start at where I fucked up and then back up to everything.

I’m really into this guy and last night I just fucking fucked up. I literally just don’t even know what’s happening with my mind. I feel like I’m losing it. I’ve been in this episode for a hot minute even before I came to New Orleans and he’s gotten the full brunt of it and I feel like a horrible person. 

Last night I went on a RANT about MYSELF. 

I literally was like “omg these guys are buying me drinks so maybe I’m pretty?” LIKE THREE TIMES! OH wait it gets worse. 

“I’m trash, i don’t think you should date me.”

OH WAIT THERE’S MORE 

I dragged some shit out about a girl that literally DOESN’T MATTER. 

YOU THINK IT’S DONE?

He told me someone pulled a gun out and I just KEPT ON TALKING ABOUT MYSELF. 

To be fair, I did take my mood stabilizer and doubled my anti-anxiety meds 30 minutes before drinking. Not supposed to drink on Gabba because it blocks the fucking transmitters with the alcohol, it basically makes it easier to black out. 

WHICH I FUCKING DID. 

What’s worse is that I literally keep on getting drunk and just spewing absolute shit. I mean just literally unfurling every crevice of my mind onto this guy and it’s so unfair. I’m sure he subbed me and called me a narcissist on fb and I have been moving like one so I can’t even be mad. 

Now that’s out the way. 

I almost got abducted my first night here. Like literally almost taken into a fucking car, had to fight for my life I’m still dealing with the consequences. I’ve been having these vivid nightmares about it, I also still have a black eye. 

This part fucks me up... I told my cousin and she literally just like doesn’t care. I know she doesn’t care because after I told her, she was like “omg that sucks”. Hasn’t called to check up on me either.

Another thing about my cousin... I called her on Mother’s Day because I fully just had a fucking breakdown, and all she said was “my mom tried to raise you, I don’t know what to tell you.” Okay, thanks. That was the phone call. I haven’t spoken to her since. I’m lying, she has reached out to me when I was here, to ask about a file that I needed to export for her. :) 

Back to my nightmares. 

I also had a nightmare where my step-dad was just absolutely beating the shit out of me and I was trying to fight back and my mom was just there like “yeah, abe hit her!” and he was laughing and everything I did just didn’t hurt him... I don’t remember how it ended but I woke up in sweat. But it’s a dream right? WRONG. It’s totally has fucking happened. Countless times actually. 

Onto my wonderful mom.

She messaged me on Facebook on Mother’s Day like at 3 am, I’m sure so I can tell her Happy Mother’s Day. Fake caring about how I am and all this stuff and it was really just dumb. I told her what was going on and that I’m actually having a bit of a tough time. She didn’t offer any help or advice for my situation different from what she always says and hasn’t also bothered since. But according to my grandmother she asks about me all the time and worries so much. Right. 

I know my mom fake cares about me because this woman has repeatedly just fucked me over. Oh let’s get to all the good parts. 

So moving to New Orleans was a very easy decision, since I was kicked out of my house and then staying at my aunt’s on the couch. Wonderful. Absolutely just a brilliant great time. 

Not only was I kicked out of the house but my step-dad called the cops on me AFTER everyone got their hits in. What’s better is that the whole family decided to jump in so I literally was fighting my step-dad, my little brother and my mother. My grandmother was pulling my hair to stop me? I have no real idea but I remember looking at her like “what the fuck are you doing?” I’m getting attacked and your pulling MY FUCKING HAIR. At a certain point you just stop giving a fuck and just wild the fuck out. Which, I did. I wild out AFTER the fact. 

Also my step-dad pushed me and my grandmother so hard we both fell, badly. I remember looking at my mom like “this is the man you choose to be with? You come at me about not having self-respect and this motherfucker just pushed your mother and you still riding that dick?” LOL ok. I dated a dirty piece of shit but wow, new lows. 

Anyway, after the cops came and took me to the hospital. I went back to pack my stuff and I broke the television. I just literally nudged it over and the whole thing fell and broke. It was beautiful. My step-dad wanted to fight again and I just walked to my room because at that point I was over it. I hope he dies a slow painful long out disease ridden death. 

Moving on, my MOM decided to called the cops on me for I don’t know what reason as I was packing my stuff to leave. Because it definitely was not about the television. There was a good 10 minutes in-between that. So in the middle of me packing, I get a knock on my door. I tell whoever is at my door to fuck off. They say it’s the cops. I open the door and I’m like you’re not arresting me. Straight up you’re not fucking arresting me cause I haven’t done shit. In the middle of my anxiety attack I have this cop just came into my room just talking wild shit like he knew what was happening. Backing me up into a corner and I’m like you need to back the fuck off, how am I supposed to pack when you’re literally in my face. I don’t know what the fuck it is about Dominican men. He reminded me of my dad. (I’ll talk about my dad after this story.) He was clearly pissing me off and he was like I’m going to go to talk to your parents and I was like well they’re the ones who called you, so maybe you should have chat with them and let me know what I did this time. 

What’s crazy was I remember getting home, wanting to smoke some weed and get ready for a party. 

Also, what started this thing was like me telling my mom how I think she needs to go to therapy and back on meds because my grandmother and I are scared to talk to her because she doesn’t know how to act and well... there you go. Here is how bad it is... my grandmother is really sick and waited for my aunt to visit her so she can take her to the hospital because she didn’t want to go with my mom. She waited for days in pain because that’s how intolerable my mom is. 

Actually let’s talk about the events leading to that. 

My mom called me a fucking bitch because I used her husband’s “cup” as a container. I used it properly because it’s a container, it’s not a fucking cup. Actually she called me more things but that’s really the gist of it and I only heard this from the kitchen. 

I had to reset my meds because my mother didn’t feel like going to the pharmacy for me. I would’ve gone but I had school and work and I literally just couldn’t make it in time. I’m on a mood stabilizer and it’s gradual build up and the effects are like after so I basically had to reset like a month of it. 

My favorite was when she would tell me that she doesn’t want to talk to me. You came all the way to my mom to tell me you don’t want to talk to me? Okay? 

Oh this started because every time I spoke to her she would lecture me until I was like I really don’t wanna hear it. So I literally just stopped talking to her and it was very easy for me. I would tell her too like “hey every time you talk to me, it’s giant lecture or you telling me what to do and I’m over it so please just don’t lecture me.” Also it’s not like my mom is nice to me and tells me things in a loving way, she literally calls me a bitch all the time. She’s been calling a bitch since I was 11. To my face at least. All the time. When she’s not calling me a bitch, it’s a total flip and she's like “why i would never! I luv u. I think ur the best! my beautiful daughter” :D 

I don’t want to talk about my emotionally abusive mom anymore. Let’s talk about my non-exsistent dad. 

I barely know my real dad but the two times we hung out he acted like he knew my life and my choices and who I was and told me shit like I cared. My dad loves me so much, but he doesn’t call me for my birthday. My dad was in my life for like a good two weeks and during that time he was telling me about another girl who is stupid enough to fuck with him whose pregnant in DR and about to have a baby girl and that he’s moving back to DR to take of his daughter. Let me phrase it better. 

My dad who has not been in my life came back into my life and told me he is moving to the Dominican Republic to take care of his daughter. 

I didn’t know even know he was living in America. 

 I literally just looked at this nigga like... u deadass? I’m happy I spoke to him because it gave me answers like why I drink so much. 

Of course it was my mom, who told my dad I wanted to see him so this nigga pulls up at my JOB. AT MY FUCKING JOB. I was a barista. This guy walks in and I'm like oh shit thats my dad, okay. Can you leave my place of work? Thanks. 

I literally was a fucking mistake. I feel like sometimes I should've been aborted. Not like I haven’t had good times and all that but yeah, mmm yeah. 

So circling back to New Orleans. 

That night the incident happen was my first day here and I was working at this jazz restaurant. I texted my boss and showed her a picture and she told me I have to get my shift covered. I went in the next time i heard she told everyone that I “apparently got attacked”. APPARENTLY. 

Circling back to last night, I need to get a grip. Most importantly I clearly need to work on my confidence because I’m insecure. I need to work on my mental health because I’m traumatized. 

I’m trying to move on but it’s really hard. I feel like everyone has had a chance of a fair life except me. I’m not saying that people don’t suffer or have normal childhoods but I’m just saying that I’ve been through so much and I just really think it’s unfair. I don’t think someone should have to handle this much pain. I don’t think that I deserve this. 

I can’t get over years of being mistreated in one day. 

I can’t get over getting my ass beat all the time and dreading my step-dad taking me to school on Wednesdays because he literally would just tell me the meanest things. I was so young, he literally just broke me. I can’t get over my mom just shutting a blind eye. I can’t get over having a busted lip, or bruises for no reason. Getting my head slammed against a television and blacking out. I can’t get over it. Clearly I’m just psychologically disturbed. I just want to be alone.

Even when it comes to school like I just never had any support. This man literally didn’t do his taxes on time TWICE so i couldn’t fucking get aid and had to take semesters or a year off. What’s the point? 

My mom constantly MOCKS my borderline personality disorder. She uses it to make me feel like shit. I called 911 on myself because I was going to do something stupid and immediately after that she just was so rude about it. And like would bring it up as a way to put me down. 

All this is making me realize how much hate I have towards her. Not like she’s my favorite person. I just texted her that I hated her so much. I’ve been thinking about it for days, and sending it hasn’t made me feel better. I think she called. I really don’t care, I just want her to know that I hate her. And she denies but she choose a man over me, not just any man but one who CLEARLY disliked me. When I was younger I remember I called the cops on him because I thought it was a stranger. The irony. I wanted a dad so bad and I got stuck with 2 assholes. I’m just over it. I’m closing that door once and for all. 

Also you know what bothers me. She never did anything for my anxiety when I was younger. She knew I had abandonment issues and never sought to fix that, another thing she mocks me about. She knew I was depressed and didn’t try to help me at all. Like i just don’t understand whats the fucking point in having a child if you’re not going to be a parent. I remember when I started cutting myself my step-dad said it was cause of TV! Yeah I’m desperately breaking down razors and dragging it across my skin because of TV. I was so fucking depressed. I was in 6 fucking grade.

I guess I’m just a victim of abuse. 

I guess this is my life. 

I feel like I’ve been robbed of a chance to have a normal life? Like I don’t understand how families work? All I wanted was to go to college and dorm and be far away and I’m 22 now and that didn’t happen. And the way that it didn’t happen was so fucked up. And now everyone is graduating and i’m here. 

I’m always here, just fucking here, breathing air, taking up space, trying to be normal and blend in. 

I just need a fucking break. A real break. 

If summed up my whole life in one word it’d be uncomfortable. 

Uncomfortable. 

Which makes me anxious. 

Which is why I’m just an anxious person because I’m always uncomfortable. 

So what would make me comfortable? 

Maybe to be loved? I would like to be loved, even when I’m being bad. That’d probably make me uncomfortable because I’m used to be being reprimanded. But maybe that’s what I need. 

I think that’s very fair. 

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 12x16 “Ladies Drink Free”

HARRY POTTER REFERENCES IN THE COSTUME CHOICES. also Mick is a knockoff Cas and it’s weird

06:29pm

i was halfway through watching dan & phil’s liveshow and cackling out loud at the “clean me daddy” antics when i remembered there was something i was meant to be doing... oh yeah watching supernatural pfff

also my cat wilson has gone to sleep in mY SOCK DRAWER

-

06:31

i JUST CHECKED WHO WROTE THIS AND IT’S MEREDITH GLYNN

I ACTUALLY GASPED IN EXCITEMENT

what a good

i saw the promos on instagram and i thought ehhh it looks cute, and i’m absolutely here for claire, and dean being pampered, but i was wary because it’s so hard to trust this show from the promos

or trust this show at all

DON’T FAIL ME MEREDITH GLYNN

-

06:35pm

oh god i love claire so muuuch

i missed herrrr

-

08:37

the bar is called “lucky badger”

there’s symbolism in there somewhere

i’m thinking of a) mark sheppard in firefly, b) crowley, c) hufflepuffs, d) anyone surly and british in a tux tbh which is probably the point

-

06:38

always weird when the moon is obviously digitally transplanted into the frame, and the light is coming from a completely different angle

cool blue lighting in the forest though, nice shot

kinda looks like narnia

-

06:40

this girl is so attractive to me, i’m all gooey inside ‘cause she’s so damn cute

i can’t deal with girls they’re all so beautiful

boys are okay, i’m only attracted to them if they’re hella pretty and display some kind of deep affinity for femininity, or are in some way sexually repressed (don’t judge me idk why) (also sometimes this isn’t true so IDK IDK IDK)

but GIRLS

OH GOD

i’d say maybe i’m attracted to femininity as a concept but ANDROGYNOUS AND MASCULINE GIRLS and NON BINARY PEOPLE also mess me up

everyone is so beautiful

and i’m mostly asexual

i don’t know what sexual people go through bUT IF IT’S ANYTHING LIKE THIS with the addition of lust?? HOW

-

06:47

ALSO THE COLOURS THESE TWO ARE WEARING

they are absolutely hufflepuffs

thIS IS A HUFFLEPUFF THING RIGHT

BADGERS AND YELLOW

-

06:49

dear pretty hufflepuff girl: your brother is a dickwad

-

06:49

deaR PRETTY HUFFLEPUFF GIRL

I THINK YOU’RE A SLYTHERPUFF

-

06:51

SHE BETTER STILL BE ALIVE :C :C :

-

06:51

the bisexual colours on the map dean’s looking at tho

THE LIGHT POIINTING LIKE AN ARROW TOWARDS IT AND DEAN

AND SEPARATING IT FROM SAM

or, alternatively, it’s pointing sam at the map

depends on your interpretation i guess

bUT THERE’S SOME HARDCORE QUEER SYMBOLISM THERE EITHER WAY

NEW DIRECTOR: Amyn Kaderali

I THINK THEY GET IT

-

06:55

OKAY BUT THE BMOL DON’T KNOW HOW TO CLEAN UP A BLOODSTAIN

-

06:56

dean about mick: “world class repression”

eyyyy dean recognises what repression looks like in other queercoded characters

-

06:56

oh good pretty girl did live

i missed her name though

...hayden foster? cute

-

06:58

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SAM SAY “COOL” LIKE THAT

dean’s like (≖︿≖✿)

and sam’s like (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ

-

07:01

the harry potter references in this are giving me life

now i’m looking at all the colours in every shot and wondering if dean and sam are gonna be sorted by their costume choices

i think sam’s decidedly 50/50 hufflepuff-ravenclaw, and a smash of gryffindor on his shirt

i think dean’s meant to be neutral/unsorted right now, i’m expecting a costume change later

-

07:04

quietly lowkey friendshipping sam/mick

(mick has a hufflepuff outer jacket with a ravenclaw shirt core)

(i’M REALLY ENJOYING THIS)

-

07:07

DEAN’S EXCITED ABOUT THE THREE STAR HOTEL

HE’S GONNA HAVE A LONG BATH AND WRAP HIMSELF IN FUZZY TOWELS TONIGHT I CAN GUARANTEE IT

-

07:08

“wild elk lodge” LIKE HARRY POTTER’S PATRONUS RIGHT. RIGHT??

also dean pinching something , probably edible

oh! mints

-

07:10

DEAN SWIMMING NAKED IN A HOTEL POOL

where is cas

CAS WOULD’VE DIPPED HIS TOES IN, FROWNED A LOT, THEN BEEN YANKED INTO THE WATER BY DEAN

and he’d paddle like a puppy, frowning and complaining about how he doesn’t understand the point of this exercise, but secretly having fun

AND HE’D COME OUT OF THE WATER ALL SPIKY-HAIRED AND DEAN WOULD FORCEFULLY RUB HIS HEAD WITH A TOWEL AND THEN WHIP HIS ASS WITH IT WHILE GIGGLING

AND CAS WOULD HUFF AND FROWN 

-

07:14

DeAN TRYING TO ACT ALL MACHO “i’ve had better nights sleep in my baby”

on the one hand, sure, sounds feasible, but on the other hand WHAT KINDA BULLSHIT YOU SPOUTING THERE SON

mick just tryna impress the boys

-

07:19

those injuries are SO badly wrapped

-

07:20

“she’s a lucky girl”

MICK NO

he’s gonna come back and try to kill her isn’t he

-

07:21

love how claire is, by extension of cas, also associated with the gas-n-sip sunshine logo

CLAIRE IS SLYTHERIN ACCORDING TO HER JACKET

tell me, if these aren’t hogwarts house sorting clothes, why are they so accurate and symbolic?

-

07:30

DEAN IS THAT YOUR TERRIBLE ACCENT

GOD HES SUCH A FUN + EMBARASSING DAD

-

05:21

NOW CLAIRE’S RAVENCLAW WHEN SHE TAKES HER SLYTHERIN OUTER JACKET OFF AND LETS HER GUARD DOWN

AAAAAAH I’M LOVING THIS SO MUCH

IF YOU DIDN’T CATCH THIS HOGWARTS THING YOU’RE HONESTLY MISSING OUT THIS IS SO SATISFYING

THE DEER PATRONUS ON THE WALL ON THE BAR TOO

-

07:35

DEAN THINKS DOWNTON ABBEY IS BORING???

i mean it’s slow but it’s far from boring

there were two dudes making out in the first episode as well, he definitely saw that

-

07:36

dean stops claire from taking a beer

dean’s always in dad mode tbh

cas would be squinting right now

CAS IS HERE IN SPIRIT AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED

-

07:38

love love love that dean’s alarmed by the word “grabby”

but i love EVEN MORE that claire is a big girl and she handled it

-

07:39

claire: “your foreign exchange student is totally lame”

dean: “he’s sam’s best friend. nerd soulmates.”

called it

ALSO IF DEAN’S CALLING SAM AND MICK A THING THEN HE’S PROBABLY PROJECTING WHICH MEANS DEAN LIKES MICK???? ???

???????????

-

07:41

dean: “go nuts. it’s on.. uh... harry potter”

1. DEAN DOING THE DAD THING

2. HARRY POTTER REFERENCE

3. HARRY POTTER REFERENCE BY DEAN

-

07:43

Oh no

rip hayden foster

-

07:44

THESE COLOURS THOUGH

all these ravenclaws

also i’m appreciating dean’s ravenlaw tie

heck yeah subtly smart!dean

-

07:47

“skeezer”

skeeze + geezer i guess

-

07:48

honestly this guy is just a knockoff cas

i want the real deal thanks

-

07:51

SHOUTOUT TO “THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF”

wait is this season still running (i don’t wanna google it in case of spoilers)

man i’m so behind

i’m like three episodes into season 7, candice’s lipstick is my favourite thing besides the cool food (and mary berry)

DOES DEAN WATCH IT THOUGH

HE’D PROBABLY JACK OFF TO ALL THE PRETTY FOOD AND CUTE PEOPLE IMO

oh god i don’t wanna ship mick/dean but i cannot deny dean would have good reasoning to be more attracted to mick than ketch. mick is like the british cas. (WHERE IS CAS. I MISS CAS. SOMEONE BRING ME CAS in his hufflepuff coat and ravenclaw tie)

-

07:56

neck tattoo dude to dean about claire: “what are you, her dad?”

yep

one of two, in fact

-

07:59

dean: “i used to think the same thing”

WAS THAT ABOUT DEAN TAKING ORDERS FROM JOHN AND LATER REALISING THAT’S NOT A GOOD THING

-

08:02

man you know an argument is well-written when you completely understand both sides of the fight

claire and sam both have really good points aaah

-

08:04

MUSIC SEGUEING INTO A FIGHT SCENE

WOOO

-

08:06

dean’s “everything’s gonna be Totally Fine!!! but not really” face is truly something to behold

ALSO WHERE THE FUCK IS CAS WHY HAVEN’T THEY CALLED HIM

-

08:09

werewolf mice though

*tiny roar*

-

08:10

dean: “you don’t get a vote on this”

claire: “it’s my life. i get all the votes”

the fact she said that quietly made it so powerful

-

08:11

dean: “all right”

i feel like if cas were here he’d’ve done that flat-mouth looking-away slight-rolled-eyes huffy thing he does when dean says/does/decides something he doesn’t like

DEAN YOU’RE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH TO EXPLAIN TO CAS IF THIS GOES WRONG

-

08:18

werewolf who tied claire up: “i’m a nice guy”

me: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-

08:02

mick does the thing cas always does: sneaks up behind the baddie and kills them at the last moment

is this an overused trope? or is mick a cas parallel

(of course he’s a cas parallel, look at the goddamn coat)

-

08:22

good, dean double-checks for claire’s consent before injecting her

good good

-

08:28

mick looks so much like cas it’s disconcerting

he’s like slightly incorrect cas fanart come to life

-

08:30

also apart from dean’s ravenclaw tie i don’t think he wore any house colours?? he’s the only character who didn’t. weird. i’d interpret that to mean he’s such a mystery on the outside, but the only thing he truly values is, in fact, wisdom. maybe??? if that’s true, that’s very interesting

-

08:31

claire with gryffindor bravery worn over her heart now

-

08:34

the end

GOOD

9/10

*mumbles to self* could’ve been improved by a call to cas at least, characters of colour with speaking roles and names (there was a background nurse for 2 seconds), and a bechdel test pass (i mean, there was texting between claire of jody, and a one-sided voicemail). this also had a few uses of the b-word (except they were used by characters who exist to be hated, and claire reclaimed it to use against a dude (unsure if she meant it to emasculate him?))

but other than that, VERY GOOD

i am le satisfied and i am lacking the feeling of malcontent i get after watching some episodes of this show

i hope meredith glynn is seen as a heroine in the writer’s room

god i miss cas so much ;~; WHY IS CAS EVEN GONE THOUGH

@ meredith glynn please include cas next time we love him very much and this show isn’t quite right without him, and when he’s not even mentioned it’s kind of upsetting, especially after the show makes a point of insisting he’s family

(on that note, where was mary too???) (i mean, i get it though. a writer can’t just fit every character into a story that’s not about them. this was a claire + dean + mick episode, and a bit of sam. cas would’ve changed the dynamic and taken away from the importance of dean + claire. but still, a mention would’ve been appreciated y’know??)

ANYWAY THIS WAS GOOD

THAT’S ALL FOLKS, CATCH YA ON THE FLIPSIDE

[survivorjordanpines]

Episode 4: Bless me father, for I have sinned - Adam

Okay, I really hope my tribe isn’t full of slow dumbasses who take forever on this challenge. Because if my (script-assisted) challenge time of ~3 minutes doesn’t end up winning me immunity, I am going to T H R O W H A N D S

So, that vote was a cluster fuck. Can you believe LA didn't tell me that the vote was on Kage and not Regan? i'm same. I can't wait to stab her in the back later on in this game just for the hell of it. I'm thinking I'll play nice for now and then when she least expects it, shove her into the proverbial waters and let her drag herself down. True friendship. This challenge has ruined my life so many times in the past. I.. actually did pretty good? 9 minutes, 21 seconds.. I think. I don't think I could have done it faster. I'm happy with my time. Can you imagine a world where I, the biggest flop, actually win an immunity? I mean, I won't, because we'll probably lose when half the tribe throws the fucking competition to try to win the immunity for themselves. I hate these people. I honestly only like Adam and Rafael right now because those kids didn't lie to me!!!

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been three tribals since my last confessional. I went to the isle and climbed the third tree, the last one that should've had something since kage told me there was nothing in the second, and jess said there was definitely one in one of the trees, but since mine was empty, someone lied. Probably Kage. He's nice he always says good morning to me. But turns out him and Jaiden were liars. They used my name to try and get Regan out. Saying I said she was an easy vote. Which is awkward because I did say that but not to them. Doesn't matter because Jaiden came clean and cleared my name. But these bitches can't be trusted. Sad I wasted my time on the isle, shoulda gone north but I wanted to rule out the trees. Oh well, hopefully I get to go back. Could really use some of them advantages. Oh well, glad I didn't have to go to this tribal cuz I didn't do shit for the music video challenge. Jordan just can't come up with a challenge that's not lame or cliche. Like flag making? Music video? Come up with something original 

Kage going was a major blindside. I think Charlotte and I were the only ones not part of it. So I need to maneuver through this game with her carefully. I am at the bottom of this tribe which means I need to a) up my social game and b) advertise myself as a free vote for anyone who wants it. Hopefully, I can make it through as I do not want to go against Kage in redemption island.

So i'm super excited its the Steps because I have an opportunity to redeem myself after being booted because of the steps in Easter and Great Lakes! Anyways theirs like a glitch with skype where if you go on airplane mode and then write all the messages then go off airplane mode they will all send within like a minute. It's a cute look and I want that immunity so I don't have to deal with having to send someone home I like. I'll return to the ashes of my tribe and figure out whats happening lmao 

I'm tired of these people already when can we tribe swap??

I think I managed to get Gage's trust. Our conversation today was a real heart-to-heart game-wise. He told me, willingly, about the Kage vote and we managed to agree that Kage was playing too hard, too fast. I think I have deflected a vote against me from him. I know I didn't win individual, but I think I secured a spot as the worst maybe? Karen is gunning for me all because of previous bad blood. I'm frustrated that my life in the game depends on her attitude. All I need is five votes in this next tribal council and I better go fishing now. Right now I feel like I have Gage and Charlotte only. They seem to be the ones who trust me like I trust them.

Well I have Gage's and Jaiden's vote for tribal. I don't know exactly who but I'm all ears for anyone that comes by. I was really hoping that Charlotte wouldn't go since I kind of needed her vote. If she stayed, I would have had four votes right there. Karen is heavily against me and I don't know who is on her side. It'll certainly be one hell of a vote, that's for sure.

[2017-11-24, 11:08:24 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): my first legitimate effort earned immunity [2017-11-24, 11:08:30 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): mastermind i don’t count bc thats partly luck [2017-11-24, 11:08:34 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): shooketh [2017-11-24, 11:08:43 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): regan with 47 hours is a fucking look [2017-11-24, 11:08:54 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): she pissed i’m going based on what i saw before i got kicked out lmao [2017-11-24, 11:09:09 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): i  hate people who sabotage their tribe for personal gain so i hope they vote her ass OuT

Can you believe your girl found an idol?

Apparently I'm the queen of finding idols if Jordan isn't in the damn game. I found one in Forbidden Forest, and one in Kuang Si. I mean, okay, technically I stole one from Ian in KS but I'm still counting that as a win for me. All my walking paid off and I searched the right tree to find an idol. It's not a cool idol or anything, Jordan just called it a hidden immunity idol and I GOT NO PICTURE, but still... it means I'm guaranteed safety whenever someone tries to vote my ass out so that's something. Let's see them try to come @ me with an idol in my pocket.   Is that a granola bar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? NAH BITCH, that's an idol and I'm voting your ass OUT.

okay damn here's the sitch we got this weird six-person alliance going with me/ryan/jess and ruthie/emma/andreas, the last three of whom are presumably very close, and apparently jess/ryan/cole/casey also have a chat, and as a result i'm feeling more than a little left out of things. especially because both ryan and jess are unable to vote tonight (rats) so it's basically me and everyone else that i don't trust. BUT i had a good talk with casey last night and decided i would much rather work with her & cole and ryan/jess than the other three, especially cos emma's like literally not ever around and i dont see the point in keeping her here over someone who would talk to me. so what i'm thinking right now is, i vote with casey and cole for emma, the other three vote whomever, then there's a 3-3 and jess gets to vote on the revote so we can get it done. of course, this assumes that i can trust anyone, which - as previously stated - i can't. but i don't have time to worry about it so i'm gonna go with my gut. i'll write more later but i have to go make pita bread so ttfn

So my strategy in this challenge totally failed! Miserably. Anyways, so we have tribal and I really didn't wanna have to vote because I think this is where things shall get messy. I wanna stay in the background but Ari is really smooth and I can see they're like trying to paint this as my idea to send Cole him when it's kind of an unspoken thing that Cole should be the next to go. And then, part of me also wants to gather Cole and Casey and we vote Jess. Then plus her self-vote, she'd go home. I feel that it would be an iconic MOVE but its way too early to turn half my tribe against me and then I'd still be in a 4-3 minority. So honestly who knows what will happen tonight.

So, when i was chatting with Ari I knew they were making the convo seem a certain way and yet here I am now having Ari throw me under the bus to Cole. I had a good relationship with Cole and Ari just completely screwed me. I thought Ari was smart, but they're causing a lot of distrust. The only, ONLY way I see how this makes sense in their head is if I'm going to be the one going home. And that pisses me off. How do I know this is happening ? Because Cole confronted me about comments I made and guess what, the only person I've chatted with is Ari. I'm very frustrated, this move makes no sense for Ari, and now Ari is trying to throw Casey under the bus. I'm just overly very frustrated right now and this moves makes no sense for Ari. None at all. 

What a day. So I got all that sorted out with Cole, and I know Ari told him so I don't trust Ari anymore. What I thought we had is GONE. Now Casey is probably going which I'm not here for. AT ALL. But, I need to make sure Cole stays around so he still trusts me. I also think that Ari/Jess/RTP are setting me up to go home if we lost again, so I'm hoping for a swap so I can make some good relationships. One thing I have going for me is that I know a fair bit of people in this game and I can def use that to my advantage. Plus im the redemption island king so people don't wanna fuck me over for that. Part of me wants to just vote Jessica to get back at Ari, so honestly who even knows at this point. I'm a rather vindictive person and I think that ends up fucking me up in games, so I'm trying to think with my head but its hard when people are blatantly trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASSSE make it so that Emma and I are on the same tribe, she's the only one that I think is 100% real to me.  Also I think Ari might be a rat, she told Cole that me, Emma and Andreas were voting for him and I???? I would never vote Cole. I would vote out some of my alliance members before I would vote out him. Maybe. 

The people that have come up to me about anything game-related are Regan, Gage, and Jaiden. Gage seems to honestly want to work with me along with Jaiden. Then there is Regan who just told about why the vote went as it did which I already knew about. Finally, I was talking with David and that was just friendly conversation. The only way to actually live through this tribal is to up my social game and basically follow wherever the majority is. That's the plan, but I still feel like I'll either get some votes or be voted out. The latter seems most likely.

So it looks like the majority is falling on Jaiden and I'm depressed. Jaiden is the one of the only people on this tribe that has my back. Losing him is losing a vote that will be with me for the rest of this tribe's existence. Now I just hope he wins redemption and isn't too pissed about me voting him out. Please let this work in my favor gods of Survivor!

Hey first confession here~ First tribal my tribe is full of sketchy people first pippa made a voting confessional i was throwing her name around well that was everybody and this vote i wanted to go vote off casey but ari decided to be messy and throw andreas name out i wanted  to be loyal to them for once instead of voting them off but noooo now jessicas name is being thrown out and aris name and caseys names because of me and etc.... Ruthie is my number 1 so yeah

Anyway I think we're blindsiding Adam, it'll be 4-2-2 so like 4 would be David Regan la and gage, 2 would be me and jaiden and 2 would be Adam and raf, assuming that Adam is voting with raf and not against him. Tbh if this works out then it'll look like I'm on the outs of the alliance so 🤷🏽‍♀️ It could work bc it might get me info on ppl who think I could swing their way instead. Also I'm considering actually working with jaiden, he seems trustworthy so far and he said he would vote for me so

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE BE A TRIBE SWAP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE OR A MUTINY LET ME GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!!!!!

that was a mess and a half!