#they care about the other students in my cohort

[boisei]

i have got to do something about my inferiority complex. it honestly just feels like i am never good enough and am always an afterthought. idk whatever fuck this fuck life fuck it all

[psychhound]

i ran a combat this weekend that went really well and one of my npcs got beat to shit but also got to revivify a pc and it was just really chewy and cinematic and not that she isnt always on my mind but shes been on my mind a lot more this week BUT

ive been reflecting a lot on her year in the game so far, and the reasons i made her gender conforming but visibly trans when i introduced her, versus how thats evolved with her relationships to the pcs and other npcs now

and i dont know. it makes me really emotional. i think theres no right way to do trans representation but there are certainly some wrong ways. i think making her the first binary trans woman introduced and also pretty clockable would rub a lot of people the wrong way. shes tall, shes buff, she has a deeper voice, she doesnt cover her adams apple. and as a trans man who passes pretty damn easily it means so much to me that she Doesnt and shes so like ... adored? and cherished?

she was introduced as a roadblock for the party and got adopted very quickly, soon becoming a staple of the game. my players are obsessed with her and adore her and talk about her all the time. anytime she does anything theyre like okay but shes our babygirl and we love her forever and also can we marry her. shes an autistic trans lesbian wolfgirl, and her being trans is a lore point because shes the angel of the female wolf god. shes dopey, shes awkward, shes a little stupid, shes very caring, she makes the puppy eyes emoji face just at all times

and shes not visibly gay but is visibly trans. shes not punk. she doesnt have a shaved head or tattoos. overall shes pretty cottagecore and has middle school girl handwriting. she really loves baking and sewing is her most "fun" hobby. shes very gender conforming and also its pretty easy to tell shes trans and everyone just. loves her? two pcs are very parental towards her, we're leaning towards a romance with another pc. despite being a big strong knight, when shes scared, she gets comforted and consoled. she got hurt during the fight and cried about it and got hugged

i dont know. this is a very long rambly post but. living in a very conservative bible belt state, i feel a lot of acceptance as a man and i feel its very very conditional on the average person not knowing im trans. my friends are great and my cohort is largely great and my professors have been supportive. dating has been,, mixed. but then i do wonder how review bombed i would get if my students knew. i wonder how much of how well people treat me is dependent on me appearing to be something im not

and florence cant hide that shes trans!! and people love her!! they think shes wonderful and loveable and hot and adoptable and also complicated when conflict happens. theres no reveal theres no coming out its just like. yep heres florence shes trans shes dorky and sweet and cute. because of the magic of this world, some people may have Questions of how she transitioned, but its not like ... her identity ever gets questioned. you know? its not hidden and also not a problem. its just florence. and shes been such a good character for me to play because of that

okay post over go support your local trans doggirl

[svtdarlingbby]

"He's just a fuck-boy-frat-bro" Fratboy!Bang Chan x fem!Reader

pairing: Frat boy! Bang Chan x fem!Reader; featuring stray kids, '97 liners in Kpop, TXT genre: college au - enemies to lovers - slight angst but mostly fun! warnings: cursing, mentions of alcohol, reader is kinda mean but so is Chan, one mention of blood, slightly suggestive word count: 8904

Y/N's POV

Whoever declared the false dichotomy that studying English was “easy” did not know the amount of work that went into it. Sure, writing has always been one of my favorite hobbies, but perhaps analyzing the arguments that came into play when it comes to creating effective writing is where my passion lies. 

“You know, it would be more effective if you cut out some of the background information. No one wants to read all of that.”

Speaking of arguments.

“Chan, can you just shut the fuck up and finish the peer review?” I rolled my eyes. Workshop days were usually pretty helpful especially since I tend to procrastinate while being a perfectionist about my writing. However, the professor just had to assign us pairs today and of course, she paired me with Christopher Bahng. Or as he liked to call himself, Bang Chan. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but he’s such a fuck boy. He’s a part of some frat, a string of Greek letters I don’t care to remember. He’s always out partying too with his group of friends. They were so loud when I had the displeasure of meeting them when they sat near me at the library during undergrad as I was trying to write a paper. Let’s just say that I didn’t stay in that area for too long. To put it simply, I did not like Chan, nor did he like me. 

“I’m just saying” he began in a sing-songy voice, “Can’t you just assume your audience understands the background context?” 

He knew how to get on my nerves. “First of all Chan, yes. You’re right. The audience is academic so they probably know what I’m talking about,” I began as he smirked. “However, I only included that much background info to strengthen my credibility. That’s called appealing to ethos. Remember that?”

Chan rolled his eyes as the smirk that was plastered on his chiseled face vanished, “Yeah, whatever,” he groaned as he started to read the rest of my paper. 

I suppressed my laughter and looked back at my laptop screen, which displayed the work Chan had for peer review day. As expected, he came in with only an outline for his paper. Probably couldn’t get anything down because he was out with the boys, I thought as I began to scan his outline.

I hate to admit it, but as I read further through Chan’s outline, the more I began to see his vision. He was researching the shift in attitude toward mental health in the 21st century and the language behind that, and honestly, it was a great idea for his thesis. The thing about Chan is that he is intelligent. Despite his annoying attitude and lifestyle, he knows how to write a pretty damn good paper about something he’s passionate about. Maybe that’s why he also found himself in grad school for English with me. I was hoping that he’d go to another university after undergrad, but like me, he stayed for grad school. Just my luck. It didn’t help that we were one of the few students who stayed at our school for grad school with the rest of the cohort coming from other universities. Essentially, I was the only person he was familiar with so Chan always found his way to sit near or even next to me in all four classes we shared. Even during our training sessions, he found his way near me. I just couldn’t get rid of this guy, but at least I can get somewhat authentic writing advice from him.

“Hey Y/N,” said Chan, a suspicious smile growing on his face.

“What?” I said, trying to keep my eyes on my laptop.

“You forgot a comma here,” he said and began to giggle.

I swear if my eyes weren’t permanently rolled into the back of my head by now. “Ha-ha, very funny Chan. Ever take a look at Bean’s hierarchy like we did in training?”

“Yeah, that’s the joke. Or was that too advanced for someone as uptight as you?” he retorted, the smirk back on his face. 

“Uptight? I can take a joke,” I said, trying to sound confident. 

“Yes, you’re uptight. I’ve never seen you at a party before. You should come with me this weekend,” he said, trying to act suave.

“Now why would I want to go to a party with you?” I said, fully looking Chan into his eyes. 

“Everyone in this room knows that you have an ass, why not put it to good use?” he spoke lowly and smirked, not breaking the eye contact as I began to feel myself blush. 

“What is fucking wrong with you?” I said, trying to sound angry but it came out more flustered and whiny. I won’t admit it to Chan but wow, does my ass look that good?

“I’m just kidding, we all know I’ve got more ass than you,” he laughed as he went back to reading my paper. 

“You know damn well that’s a lie,” I blurted out, still staring at him rather than my laptop.

“Oh? Would you like to prove it to me?” replied Chan, almost a little too quickly. He seemed almost taken aback by how quickly he responded yet still smirked. 

“I-” Before I could respond, I was interrupted by a notification from my phone. It was a text from my friend Rosé, who swears Chan and I are soulmates because she thinks we are so similar. Thankfully Chan notices me get distracted by my phone and uses that as an excuse to drop his absurd question and continue reading my paper. I couldn’t wait to tell Rosé about what Chan just said.

Rosé: ok i know we’re both not into frat parties and stuff but Jaehyun is being dragged to that frat party on saturday by jungkook and mingyu and he wants me to come. You don’t have to but do you think you could come with me?

Oh god, she had to be referring to the party Chan mentioned earlier. I thought about it. The worst thing that could happen is Jaehyun getting caught up with his friends and losing Rosé, which I doubt. Jaehyun was truly a gentleman and he was also a part of the English program with Rosé and me. He wouldn’t do that to her. But at the same time, these frat parties were unpredictable and what kind of friend would I be to leave my friend in that kind of situation? 

Y/N: yeah i heard about that party. Don’t worry, I’ll come with. But you’re promising me that we are avoiding frat guys especially Chan

Rosé: of course! We’ll just stay with Jaehyun who would prob want to leave early anyway.  

Rosé: but

Rosé: it’ll be hard to avoid frat guys especially Chan with your ass 🤭

Rosé: and his ass honestly. You guys are both hot so…

Y/N: Rosé i swear I’m not going to the party now

Rosé: NO i was jk. But fr ur hot

Y/N: thank you 😇send me the details of the party when you get them. Also what you’re gonna be wearing!

Y/N: OMG speaking of, guess what Chan said

Rosé: omg what

Y/N: he was trying to invite me to the party actually and he said something about me having an ass yet his was still bigger and so I called him out on that statement and he basically asked me to prove to him that my ass was fatter 🤢

Rosé: HELP OMG now why would he say that 😭

Y/N: cuz he’s a typical fuck boi

I put my phone down because I suddenly remembered I had to finish up Chan’s peer review. Just as I was about to focus my attention back to my laptop, Chan’s annoying voice spoke up.

“Who were you texting?” he asked, so nosy. 

“None of your business,” I responded, still looking at my screen.

“Is it a guy?” he asked, before looking up. “I saw the way you were smiling.”

“Oh my god, it was just Rosé. Why are you so concerned?” I snapped, regaining eye contact with Chan who smirked once again. 

Chan’s POV:

My plan is working, thank god Rosé’s dragging Y/N along to that party. God, she’s so fucking hot when she’s mad, especially at me. She’s so funny, all of my friends, her friends, and even everyone in our cohort know that she finds me attractive yet chooses to hate me. It’s crazy, she’s the smartest girl I know but she’s so stupid, denying her feelings. I just pretend to hate her to keep the game going, and it’s been going on since like freshman year. I feel like if she truly hated me, she probably would’ve reported me or something. Not that I’d do anything creepy, no, I have boundaries. I just love to mess with her. And perhaps I might also love her. 

I don’t know why I ever admitted that. The boys made fun of me so much. 

“Wait, I know you love to mess with her, but you think you love her?” laughed Changbin among the boys. 

“Well, I-” I stammered, before being interrupted. 

“Bro, how? She hates your guts!” laughed Jeongin.

“Okay but-”

“I don’t think Y/N hates him. She would’ve blocked and maybe gotten his ass kicked out of here by now if she truly hated him,” said Minho, a matter of factly. 

“And even though neither of them would admit it, they seem like friends. I mean, they’ve had classes together for five years now. And I’ve seen Y/N willingly sit next to Chan all the time. They’ve even had lunch together a few times! If she hated him, she would’ve moved seats and ignored him all these years,” added Felix optimistically. 

“Oh my god, are you saying Y/N probably loves Chan?” asked Seungmin, wide-eyed. 

“YES! I’ve known it all these years. I’ve seen the way she looks at you, all that tension from denying her true feelings. This confused girl loves you!” mused Jisung. 

“Yeah, honestly, if she wasn’t in the grad program, I might not have pursued grad school. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is,” I admitted, feeling flustered in front of the guys. 

“Okay, so how are you going to tell her?” interrogated Jisung. Of course, he wants me to do something about it. 

“I really don’t know. I never really planned on it honestly,” I revealed, earning a few dramatic gasps from my friends. 

“How about at the party on Saturday?” asked Hyunjin.

“No, she hates frat parties. But I’ve also heard from Rosé that Y/N can party so I don’t know,” I answered, feeling almost hopeless. 

“Wait, Chan,” began Minho, a smirk arising on his features, “What if we make Y/N go to that party?”

“Dude, no. As much as I like messing with her, I won’t force her to go somewhere she’s uncomfortable,” I replied somewhat urgently. 

“No, not like that. You know Rosé, right? Those two are like best friends. She’s dating Jaehyun, right? He’s in the frat and I know his buddies Jungkook and Mingyu are going to drag his ass there,” explained Minho. “So how about we use Rosé to bring Y/N to the party?”

“Damn Minho, why do you have this elaborate plan?” chuckled Hyunjin.

“I still haven’t gotten back at her for that one time she went out with Jisung,” spoke Minho lowly, “If this plan doesn’t work, at least she gets to see me all up on Jisung.”

“Whoa calm down Minho, it was one date remember? Before we were a thing? I ghosted her after that!” laughed Jisung. 

God, I remember that. I was so angry when I found out Jisung’s Bumble date all those years ago was Y/N. Granted, that was freshman year, but still! I shouldn’t be jealous, but Jisung’s one of my bros even though he has clearly moved on. I’m sure Y/N has moved on, God, I hope so. 

“Anyways,” I began, “What exactly is going to happen at the party once she’s there?”

“OH! Rosé should totally abandon her! And then you can swoop in and not act like a pretentious asshole for once!” chirped Hyunjin. “And you’ll be surrounded by all the frat guys, who are going to be acting like that and maybe she’ll see that you’re different than the rest!”

The room erupted in agreement from the guys and I began to feel myself warm up to their elaborate plan. “You know what, I think you guys are onto something,” I nodded in agreement as the guys cheered. “I’m going to text Rosé, I know she’d love to set her bestie up.”

Chan: Sup Rosé

Rosé; oh god what do you want

Chan: ok I’m being fr rn. But I have feelings for Y/N

Rosé: that’s the big news? 😭come on, we all knew that. 

Rosé: I mean, everyone but Y/N she thinks she hates you but we all know that’s a lie

Chan: wait-

Chan: what do you mean???

Rosé: oh um

Rosé: Y/N is literally going to murder me but

Rosé: at our last girls party, I don’t know what she was on but she admitted that she finds you hot 😭

Wait. What. Y/N thinks I’m hot? Oh my god!

“GUYS Y/N THINKS I’M HOT!” I blurted out to the guys who all cheered in response.

“YES CHAN’S GONNA GET IT!” screamed Changbin as he smacked my back rather harshly. 

“OUCH!”

“Sorry bro, the gains, you know?”

I ended up telling Rosé the plan and surprisingly she agreed on the condition that nothing bad happens to Y/N and that she won’t stop her from leaving if she gets uncomfortable. Okay, fair. And I know Y/N. She’s super loyal to her friends so she’ll be at that party either way. God, I’m so excited but nervous. She’s going to look so hot too, I wonder what she looks like outside of her school clothes. 

Y/N’s POV

Thank god class was almost over, but why was Chan so concerned with who I was texting? I brushed him off and finished peer-reviewing his outline. Surprisingly, I left a lot of positive feedback but made sure to sneak in some snarky comments. And I corrected his grammar just to be petty. How are you in grad school but can’t differentiate between a dependent and independent clause? 

“Here, damn,” I groaned as I hit send on the email where the peer-review was attached. 

“Aw, you liked my outline!” rejoiced Chan in that annoying voice of his as he opened the attachment. 

“You should be lucky that you’re receiving my feedback. I’m the only one here that would tell you that you suck to your face,” I said as I began to pack up my laptop into my bag. 

“Well honey, from the looks of it, you found a lot more positive things about my outline than negative,” laughed Chan. 

“Whatever,” I groaned, “Have you even finished peer-reviewing my draft by the way?”

“Almost done, I’ll send it to you in a bit,” he said as he started typing once again. 

“Thanks, I guess,” I muttered as I left the classroom. 

What I didn’t know was that my half-hearted “thanks” caused Chan’s heart to skip a beat. 

The day of the frat party came by faster than expected. Honestly, this whole week was a whirlwind. Thanks to Chan’s surprisingly helpful feedback, I was able to finish the essay before the weekend. I usually don’t drink, but, even being around alcohol can get hungover somehow and I wasn’t going to let a stupid frat party be the demise of my grade. Plus, I had to drive back home. 

Usually, I partied with my close friends and attended quite a few parties during my college career. I wonder how it’s going to be to go to a “real” college party, especially as a grad student no less. Maybe Chan was right. Maybe I am uptight. Whatever. I know his dumbass is going to be at that party. I might as well show him what “uptight” is. 

With that, I had a fun time choosing my outfit! I’ll admit, it was kinda low-cut. Okay, it was really low-cut but it flattered my good in every way. I haven’t worn it in a while but the black blouse was flirty and fun, with the dotted fabric of the arms sheer and the cropped nature of the shirt sitting right at my waist. I’d pair it with some nice jeans that flattered me. The outfit was far from uptight. And I could tell it would be a real crowd-pleaser based on Rosé’s enthusiastic reaction.

Rosé: WAIT DAMNNN OKAY

Rosé: CAN CHAN FIGHT????

Y/N: LMAO thanks but prob not!! 

Y/N: I’d rather be all yours anyways 🙄

Rosé: awww

Rosé: I wonder if Chan’s fave color is black 🤭

Y/N: OH GOD why would you say that 😭 i hope not 🤢

Rosé: LMAO I’m kidding lol butttt he is gonna see you like that just saying

Y/N: okay and? Not my problem

Rosé: yeah sureeee anyways are you almost at my apartment so we could head on over?

Y/N: Yeah, just found a parking spot. Heading over!

Flipping my hair out of my face, I headed toward Rosé’s apartment. Honestly, I was feeling kind of nervous going to this party. What if something bad happens? 

Outside the apartment building, I saw none other than Rosé accompanied by her boyfriend Jaehyun. Ugh, they looked perfect together, hand in hand and conversing about something they both could only hear. Until I interrupted.

“Rosé!” I yelled, quickening my pace.

“Y/N! You’re here!” she exclaimed, letting go of Jaehyun’s hand as we hugged each other and flooded one another with compliments of how we looked. 

“Damn Rosé, that ass of yours in those jeans?” I swooned, fanning myself. 

“Ahem.”

“Oh! Hey Jaehyun!” I exclaimed, caught off guard by Rosé’s quiet boyfriend.

“Hey Y/N!” he laughed as Rosé joined him, presumably at my flustered state.

“Listen! I wasn’t trying to take Rosé away from you! I would never!” I tried to explain, “Even though she was my friend first,” I mumbled that last part under my breath.

“It’s all good! Should we head over now?” asked Rosé as we began to walk toward the frat houses. 

The walk over to the frat house was longer than we thought it would be, but thankfully we all wore sneakers. The chill of the fall air blew as Jaehyun draped his sweater over Rosé’s shoulders. God, they were so cute. I can’t believe someone like Jaehyun was technically a frat dude. Come to think of it, Rosé was also in a sorority. I’m sure they knew their way around these parties. 

We opened the door just to be met with some frat bro who I quickly recognized as one of Chan’s friends. 

“Sup Jaehyun, I see you’re in ratio” he smirked as he let us in.

“Thanks, Hyunjin” laughed Jaehyun as he fist-bumped his brother as Rosé and I followed him inside. 

“Ratio?” I asked, perplexed. 

“Oh some frats have this thing where a guy should bring two girls with him to be let into a party,” Rosé explained as I quickly understood despite an even more confused expression gracing my features. I chose not to dwell on it as I took in my surroundings. Of course, red solo cups are in the hands of every attendee. Some of Chan’s friends were setting up some music. Sports were playing on the flatscreen TV. So far, so good.

“Hey, Jaehyun!” yelled Jungkook, who seemingly popped out of nowhere.

“Jaehyun!” yelled Mingyu, following behind the older one. God, Kim Mingyu and Jeon Jungkook. I’ve always thought they were so hot; I couldn’t help but feel a little shy as I scooted closer to Rosé.

Jaehyun greeted his friends as they all clapped hands, hugged each other, and made small talk. I felt kind of awkward just watching them honestly, so I turned to Rosé.

“I’m not drinking tonight, but did you wanna get a drink?” I asked.

“Sure, why not? Oh my god you know what I just realized?” she said, eyes brightening.

“What?” I asked, ever amused by her.

“You might actually see me drunk in person instead of over text!” she laughed.

“Wait, oh my gosh that’s so true!” I exclaimed with excitement as she grabbed a drink, making our way back to Jaehyun and his handsome friends. 

“Oh there you are,” said Jaehyun as he turned around, his eyes lighting up when he saw his girlfriend. 

Before any of us could respond, the house suddenly boomed with music and a certain boisterous voice made himself apparent.

“HELLO ABΩ! IT’S YOUR BOY BANG CHAN HERE!” 

Oh no. I expected him to be here but outside of school, he’s going to be ten times more annoying. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I sipped on some water. 

“The party is just getting started, my boy Jeongin made this fire playlist. Let loose, enjoy yourself, and remember, tag me and follow me on Instagram @gnabnahc!” he smiled into the microphone. All the frat guys began to cheer, encouraging him. I exhaled, just staring at how ridiculous Chan looked, with his white tee shirt, fitted so perfectly against his sculpted muscles. And his black jeans, emphasizing that dumptruck of his. Of course, he was wearing a cap too.   “Let’s have a great night! And-” Suddenly he stopped, creating an awkward silence despite the booming music. 

And then I realized. He was staring right into my eyes. I blinked a few times before looking away, feeling Rosé nudge me as she stifled a laugh. 

“I lost my train of thought!” Chan laughed, shifting the mood back to the energetic one he had created mere seconds before. “Anyways play some beer pong, dance, have fun!” And once again, all of the frat bros cheered as the party began.

I still felt flustered and annoyed, but also powerful at the same time. Did me just standing there make the cocky and confident Bang Chan flustered to the point of freezing up in front of the boys at a party no less? I smirked, though my cheeks still felt warm as I saw Changbin laughing and smacking Chan’s shoulder. 

“Y/N! Did you hear me? Or were you too busy staring back at Chan?” smirked Rosé as she waved her hand in front of my face. 

“Wait what?” I blinked as she and Jaehyun began to laugh. 

“I was saying you and Chan had a little moment right there! Locking eyes, the world disappearing around you two?” laughed Rosé.

“Very Jane Austen” added Jaehyun in agreement.

“Jane Austen would never write about a frat guy at a frat party no less,” I scoffed, crossing my arms as the couple in front of me shared knowing glances. 

Chan’s POV

I will never hear the end of this. Changbin is still smacking my shoulder with his sheer strength and keeps laughing at how I got distracted. 

“Oh my god, my abs. I’m not gonna have to train them anymore because of you!” laughed Changbin.

“Will you quit?” I rolled my eyes at his antics. “Very funny, I got distracted.”

“It’s not even that you got distracted! It’s who made you distracted! Tell me, what was it about Y/N that made you practically drool in front of everyone? Was it her hair? Maybe her eyes? Or was it her tits- OW!” 

“Not now Changbin,” I muttered after I smacked him. God, I need a beer. I left Changbin behind to find Minho handling the drinks. 

“We all saw that, dude,” said Minho somewhat apologetically as he handed me a drink. 

“Yeah, whatever,” I said, drinking from the cup rather quickly.

“So, the plan?” asked Minho expectantly. 

Right. The elaborate plan of the night. Initially, it seemed easy enough but I didn’t realize just how flustered by Y/N I would be. God, how does she get hotter every time I see her? 

“I was gonna wait a little later into the night to tell Rosé to abandon Y/N,” I explained to Minho who nodded. 

“Why don’t you go ahead and break the ice with Y/N? I think you acknowledging her early on will show her you have some decency,” suggested Minho. 

“That’s not a bad idea,” I replied as I glanced over at Y/N across the crowd before making my way toward her. 

Y/N’s POV:

Rosé was too busy talking to Jaehyun as I took in my surroundings once again. The party was beginning to get lively with more people dancing, especially Hyunjin, who was already surrounded by several guys and girls alike. Dancing would be fun honestly, but it would be awkward going up there and not knowing anyone. Just as I took my eyes off the dance floor, I met the gaze of none other than Chan. 

“Oh god, what do you want,” I muttered unenthusiastically as he walked toward me. 

“So, you made it? I knew you weren’t as uptight as you let on,” smirked Chan as he leaned against the wall, drink in hand.

“Don’t you have a paper to write?” I asked, trying not to take in how attractive he looked at that moment. Maybe all that alcohol around me was starting to intoxicate me somehow. He never looks good.

“Well someone provided me with some extra good feedback on my outline the other day,” he began, smiling, “Let’s just say that was an easy paper to write.”

I scoffed, “No way you wrote twenty-five pages in two days, weekdays no less.”

“Oh, but I did. I know you think I’m just a typical frat bro but I do care about the mental health movement,” he said, cocking an eyebrow up as his gaze bore into my soul. 

“Whatever,” I said, breaking eye contact and feeling a bit flustered. 

“Anyways,” began Chan, “It’s nice seeing you here. Nice to see you outside of class, I mean,” he stumbled as his eyes scanned my outfit. 

It was my turn to make him flustered. “Are you talking about me, or my tits?” I smirked, standing up straighter as he shuffled. 

“Well, I-” he began, before regaining his composure, “I expected to see your ass, not your tits today.”

“CHAN!” I yelled as he laughed, “Well, at least mine are bigger than yours!”

“That I can agree with,” Chan laughed, causing me to chuckle and playfully smack his arm. 

“We can finally agree on something,” I admitted as I playfully rolled my eyes and he nodded in response. 

“I’d say we’re finally on the same level of debate,” Chan winked as he referenced our TA curriculum. 

“Yeah, I would say that we passed conjecture so we’re definitely on definition right now,” I said as I dramatically furrowed my brows, pretending to be a teacher. 

“God, I’m so glad we’re actually applying what we’ve learned to the real world!” Chan exclaimed, dramatically opening his arms and gesturing to the “real world” that was the frat party before him. I hate to admit it, but Chan was actually funny. He knew how to appeal to my sense of humor. As hard as grad school is, these little jokes make me feel like I’m not alone. As we were laughing, I could just feel the stares of several people burning through the bubble Chan and I created. He could feel it too. In the corner of my eye, I could see Rosé giggling at us. Oh god, she probably took some pictures too. I also felt the knowing stares of Chan’s friends, even Hyunjin who was surrounded by guys and girls had his gaze fixated on Chan and me. Also, did I see Jisung, that one guy I had that awkward date with freshman year, stop making out with Chan’s other friend Minho just for them to look in our direction? What was going on?

Chan’s POV

I’m glad Y/N is warming up to me, she’s honestly not uptight at all! As awkward as my first glance, well, stare, at her today was, I’m so glad she didn’t bring that up. Speaking of staring, what is wrong with me? She saw me staring at her tits god I want to die. I mean, she didn’t murder me! That’s a good sign, right? As fun and lighthearted as our conversation was, how come the guys and Rosé had to be so fucking obvious? I thought this plan was supposed to be low-key, not “everyone-stare-at-Chan-to-see-if-he-finally-asks-Y/N-out.” I think Y/N is catching on, I mean, I practically feel everyone’s staring at us. I need to find a distraction, quickly. 

“Ahem” I cleared my throat, “Do you want another drink?” 

“Oh, um, yeah sure,” she replied as I snapped her out of her thoughts as we made our way to the drink table. 

I don’t know why I was reacting so quickly but as Y/N reached for a water bottle, something in me told me to grab it for her. It wasn’t until our hands met on the same water bottle that I snapped out of my actions.

“Oh-”

“Sorry!”

“Here, I’ll grab it for you,” I said, handing her the water bottle.

“Thanks,” she replied, looking down. Oh god, am I screwing this up? Did I make it awkward? From the corner of my eye, Felix gave me an apologetic smile as I wearily shook my head. I had to fix this. 

“So, you’re not drinking tonight?” I asked, breaking the ice. 

“Nope. I’ve gotta drive home but being drunk would be fun,” chuckled Y/N before taking a sip. “Yeah? How’s ‘drunk’ Y/N?” I asked using air quotations.

“I don’t remember,” laughed Y/N, “The videos I’ve seen of me in that state are hilarious though. I get cocky, witty, and flirty, so kind of like you on a regular basis. So yeah, I turn into a fuck boy.”

“That does sound like me,” I chuckled as we sat down on the couch. “We’re pretty similar, don’t you think?”

Y/N grimaced. “Rosé thinks so.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, and it’s so far from the truth!” she exclaimed dramatically, “Rosé, come here!” she yelled over the couch for her friend. Ugh. Just when I thought I could get her alone without Rosé having to completely abandon her friend. 

“Yes?” asked Rosé, another drink in hand.

“Come on, sit down and tell Chan about your delusions. About how you think we’re the same person,” said Y/N who scooted away from me, gesturing for Rosé to sit between her and me. I swear if Rosé cockblocks me…

Fortunately for me, Rosé takes a seat on Y/N’s other side. “You two are so similar oh my god, Chan you don’t even know the full extent,” giggled Rosé as she leaned into Y/N. Ugh. That should be me. 

“Yeah? How are we so similar?” I said glancing between the two women expectedly. 

“You both are studying English!,” laughed Rosé.

“Oh yeah, I didn’t know that!” scoffed Y/N sarcastically as I chuckled.

“Oh, oh! Your zodiac signs are compatible!” Rosé smirked as she raised her eyebrows. 

“Oh yeah, you’re a Libra right? October 3rd?” asked Y/N expectantly and I nodded. She knows my birthday?! I don’t know why my heart began to race at this fact. (A/N- guys for the sake of the story let’s pretend every zodiac sign is compatible with Libra lol!)

“Oh- and don’t forget, your MBTIs are super compatible too!” exclaimed Rosé.

“I’m an ENFJ, what are you?” I asked as Y/N looked away and replied (your MBTI). Oh my gosh, ENFJ and (your MBTI) are like, supposed to be soulmates. (A/N- guys for the sake of the story let’s pretend every MBTI is compatible with ENFJ lol)

“Oh- and also! Remember the blood drive for the frats and sororities? You’re type O Chan!” chimed Rosé.

“How did you remember that?” I chuckled looking between the clearly intoxicated Rosé and Y/N. 

“I’ll let Y/N explain that one!” exclaimed Rosé as she darted her eyes between Y/N and I. 

“Ugh, unfortunately, that means your blood type can be accepted by any other blood type, Chan. So your blood would be accepted by mine,” gagged Y/N, “I’d rather die at that point,” she deadpanned, causing both Rosé and I to laugh. 

“Really? You’d rather die than receive my thick, juicy, red blood from these veins?” I asked, making a fist so the veins on my arms would appear. Y/N bit her lip and exhaled as Rosé laughed even harder. 

“Yeah Y/N, I thought you had an arm kink?” blurted out Rosé, who was probably drunk by now.

“Rosé!” yelled Y/N, getting more flustered and looking away from me. I only laughed harder and felt my ego rise exponentially. She’s an arm girl? Noted. I’ll have to wear tank tops more often. 

“Like what you see?” I whispered to Y/N, flexing my biceps. She didn’t respond, but I saw the way her eyes lingered. 

“Yeah Y/N! You should feel his muscles” laughed Rosé as she grabbed Y/N’s hand suddenly and placed it on top of my bicep

“Rosé!” yelled Y/N as her hand retracted quickly from my bicep. God, if only she knew how flustered I was feeling right now. Before I knew it, I blurted out “I don’t bite. Go for it.” 

“Oh, um. Okay,” replied Y/N as she leaned over and felt my muscles. I tried not to act flustered as she leaned toward me, that blouse of her’s making it hard to focus on her hand on my arm. I swear her skin on mine was something I had been craving for years. “Neat,” she said, retracting her arm but I could see the redness gathering on her cheeks. 

“Whoa, save some room for Jesus!” blurted out a boy with long, dark brown hair. Behind him was a taller boy who looked somewhat flustered.

“Beomgyu? Soobin? What are you guys doing here?” Y/N’s eyes lit up instantly at the sight of them. I could feel my blood begin to boil but I had to maintain my composure. I can’t let something like jealousy ruin the plan. 

“You guys aren’t even in this frat!” laughed Rosé, causing the two guys to chuckle. 

“Yeah and? We’re here for a good time, right Soob?” laughed Beomgyu as he smacked Soobin in the chest.

“Oh- Uh, yeah! How are you, Y/N?” asked Soobin shyly. Why was he asking about her specifically? I kept my mouth shut as I glanced at Y/N, who looked somewhat flustered herself. 

“I didn’t think I’d be here but this one dragged me here,” explained Y/N as she glanced over at Rosé. 

“Okay and? You’re having a good time?” stated Rosé like it was the most obvious thing. 

Everyone chuckled but me, but I tried to play it cool and forced myself to smile at their small talk. Ugh, I just wish these cockblockers would go away!

“Oh my god, they’re playing Rodeo! Soobin, you like that song don’t you?” boomed Beomgyu as he gestured toward Soobin. “Let’s get up there!” he exclaimed as he gestured toward Y/N and pulled her from the couch.

“Wait this song is so funny!” laughed Y/N as she enthusiastically made her way to the dance floor with Soobin and Beomgyu. 

And just like that, my jaw was on the floor. How did these two random guys, who aren’t even in my frat by the way, just snatch Y/N away from me like that? 

“Ouch,” muttered Rosé as I stared at the dance floor in disbelief. 

“Bro did that just actually happen?” I heard Seungmin say as he took Y/N’s vacant spot.

“Man, I’m sorry,” I heard Felix’s deep voice behind the couch as he leaned over to pat my shoulder comfortingly. 

“How- She just- I just-” I stammered, still in disbelief at what just happened. 

“So um, Beomgyu and Soobin know Y/N from biology class during undergrad,” explained Rosé, trying to help me make sense of this. “Soobin was her lab partner.” Honestly, that didn’t really help as I just sighed in response. To be honest, I knew getting Y/N wasn’t going to be this easy. If I have competition, so be it. 

“Give me a minute,” I muttered as I stood up to get another drink. I felt their apologetic stares burn into my back as I made my way to the drinks. I glanced at the dance floor, and of course, Y/N was having the time of her life. God, she looked so hot dancing. Putting that ass to good use like I had said earlier. Just as I was about to look away, an unsightly scene unfolded before me on the dance floor. Why were Soobin and Y/N practically grinding on one another like that? My blood was already boiling, but now it was evaporated by how angry and jealous I felt. I know my face showed that as I made eye contact with Y/N as she smirked. 

Y/N’s POV

Ah Soobin, my old lab partner. My old crush. It didn’t end up working out between us back in undergrad, Soobin claiming that while he did like me, he just couldn’t devote enough time to a relationship. He was a part of many biology related clubs and even president of one. He also had a job on top of all that. Honestly, that was understandable and I quickly moved past those feelings. However, for Soobin I could definitely tell those feelings never went away. Maybe it’s a good thing Soobin studied biology; he couldn’t analyze situations like I could. Let’s face it, Chan was being extra good and not annoying today. That’s really suspicious, and frankly, I don’t know how to react to his good behavior. Admittedly, yes, I was flustered by our interactions throughout today. But he’s just a fuck boy frat bro. He’s always going to be flirting around, probably in hopes of getting laid. I don’t want to be just another one of those girls he fucks for the sake of it. I thought he knew that by now that I’m not into hookup culture. When Beomgyu and Soobin appeared, it was a perfect opportunity to test out my hypothesis: if Bang Chan wasn’t attracted to me like that, then he’d have no problem seeing me dance with another guy. I also just wanted to dance really badly. 

Also, “Rodeo” by Lah Pat and Flo Milli? The song used in every fuck boy thirst trap and slutty TikTok edits? How could I pass the opportunity to not make Chan jealous with such an explicit song about fucking?

“I wanna feel your body on top of mine!” I sang, eyeing Soobin while swaying my hips as some girls hyped me up on the dance floor. 

“Go Y/N!” cheered Beomgyu as he pulled out some smooth moves. 

It seemed like Soobin was getting out of his shell as he suddenly busted out some killer dance moves, slowly closing the distance between us. “Like a rodeo babe!” he winked. I forgot how fun it was to dance, especially with such a supportive crowd. I wonder if someone was watching. I could practically feel Soobin’s warmth behind me as we danced when I locked eyes with Chan who was heading toward the drinks. I could tell he was fuming as his gaze bore into mine. 

“I wanna feel your body on top of mine!” I sang again, trying to be as seductive as possible in the way I moved, never breaking eye contact with Chan. I don’t know where this surge of confidence came from, but god I felt powerful. Maybe this is how Chan usually feels.

Chan blinked back, seemingly flustered and even angry as he looked away and got another drink. He walked out of the front door dejectedly. I laughed as Beomgyu shot me a confused glance but I just waved him off as he continued dancing. As I was dancing with Soobin though, I began to feel guilty. Why the hell did I feel bad for Chan? He didn’t own me, in fact, he always went out of his way to make me angry and annoyed. Okay, he never went this far but still. And I practically just used Soobin to make Chan jealous knowing that Soobin still probably had feelings for me. I’ve always chided Chan for being a fuck boy, but here I was playing with his feelings and even bringing another guy into this mess by using him. Maybe I’m the fuck boy. 

The next song began to play, and I knew I needed to make things right before they got worse. 

“Hey, Soobin?” I asked over the blaring music as I gestured for him to follow me away from the dance floor.

“Yes, Y/N?” replied Soobin as he leaned down to my height so he could hear me. 

“Thank you for the dance, but sorry. I didn’t mean to get all up on you. I don’t want to lead you on, because I’ve moved on since undergrad. I should’ve considered your feelings before I did that, I’m sorry,” I rambled my apology, not really knowing what to say and hoping the damage wasn’t already done. 

“Oh,” paused Soobin as he looked down, “It’s okay, I just… I just wish I hadn’t been a coward and made excuses back then.”

“What are you talking about Soobin?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Well, you clearly moved on. I always see you with Chan especially since you started grad school. Even at this party, you were with him when I walked in. Beomgyu just tried to convince me to take a chance and try to get you back, but I can see I missed my chance,” smiled Soobin wistfully. “I could tell you were trying to make Chan jealous when you danced with me.”

Well, maybe I was wrong. Soobin read my plan like a book. Why wasn’t he in the English program?

“Was I that obvious,” I muttered, looking away from Soobin as he chuckled. 

“I knew it was too good to be true when you were moving like that. Like you had a point to prove,” chuckled Soobin. 

“Ugh, I’m sorry Soobin,” I apologized once again.

“It’s okay, I know you’re an asshole now,” he laughed dryly before gesturing to the door, “Now go get Chan. I’ll be okay. I’ve gotta take care of Beomgyu.”

I glanced at the dance floor and Beomgyu was clearly very drunk and happily dancing. Soobin gave me a reassuring smile.

“Thanks Soob. Take care,” I smiled back before making my way out of the frat house through the door Chan left from. 

Chan’s POV:

I shivered as the cool autumn breeze hit me, the hand holding my drink becoming disproportionately colder than the rest of my body as a result of the sudden temperature change. God, why did Y/N dancing with another guy bother me so much? Everything was going perfectly until Soobin showed up. I know she’s not technically mine but why does the thought of her being with someone who isn’t me hurt so much? I get so angry when things don’t go my way. What should I do!? I blinked back a few tears as I paced along the sidewalk near the building. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and saw the concerned texts from some of the guys in our group chat. 

Felix: hey Chan, are you okay? I’m here if you need anything

Jeongin: what happened to Chan?

Hyunjin: his genius plan isn’t working *insert video of Y/N and Soobin on the dance floor*

Minho: oh my god that bitch

Jisung: okay maybe I was right to ghost her!

Seungmin: yeahhh it was pitiful 

Changbin: damn I’m sorry bro

I sighed, not bothering to reply. I just needed some space to process the fact that Y/N is probably going to leave the party with another guy. Someone who isn’t me. Maybe I shouldn’t have messed with her as much as I did. I’m sure it must have gotten old pretty quickly. I should’ve just been honest with her from the beginning. But no, I just had to maintain my frat boy image. I don’t know why, or how, I could be this stupid. I just fucked up my chances of being with the prettiest, funniest, and smartest girl I know. Just as I reached to wipe my tears, I heard a familiar voice. 

“Chan!”

I turned around and was faced with none other than Y/N. Concern and regret painted her features as she gazed into my teary eyes. 

“Chan,” she spoke softly, inching closer to me. “I’m sorry. I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have left you like that just to make you jealous on purpose. I’m really sorry.”

I quickly blinked back any tears that remained and wiped the rest off my face. “Y/N, you came to find me?”

Y/N blinked a few times before replying, “Of course. I wanted to mess with you but I could tell that you were hurt. I couldn’t just leave you alone.”

I swallowed before speaking, gently taking ahold of her hand. “Y/N, I need to come clean. I like, no, I love you. I have loved you for a long time. Since like, freshman year. I only pretended to hate you just to mess with you. I don’t know why, I’m so stupid, I just, I thought that was just how a frat guy should act. Clearly not, I just annoyed you and I don’t blame you if you don’t return my feelings. I’ve been an asshole to you for a long time, and I’m sorry,” I rambled, feeling her grip on my hand tighten as I felt myself begin to shake. 

“Chan…” muttered Y/N as she looked into my eyes. God, I’m so embarrassed. 

Y/N’s POV:

I just felt so guilty, and I’m glad I apologized. It’s the least I could do. I know Chan loves to mess with me but he has never gone out of his way to hurt me like I just did to him. However, he really did just drop a bomb out of nowhere. Chan loves me? 

“Chan,” I said, squeezing his hand once again to get him to look at me. It works. “I honestly didn’t realize you felt that way. Wow,”

“Listen, I don’t want to pressure you at all to say yes. I just think you deserve to know how I truly feel,” admitted Chan. 

“No, it’s not that. I just think that you helped me describe what I’ve been feeling,” I admitted. “I always thought I hated you, but I’ve always been drawn to you. It’s not the same if you’re away. And I’m actually kind of glad you didn’t go away for grad school because you’re such a constant in my life. Like, I couldn’t imagine not going to school with you.”

Chan began to laugh. “What’s so funny?” I asked, bracing myself for Chan to probably admit this was a whole prank or something.

“It’s just, I only chose to go to grad school in the first place because you were doing it. And you just so happened to be staying here so I followed you,” laughed Chan, squeezing my hand gingerly. 

My eyes widened, “Well this is news to me!”

“When I told the guys this, they insisted I asked you out. So we made this whole elaborate plan to get you to this party but the plan didn’t really go as planned,” confessed Chan.

“Oh Chan,” I laughed, “Did you guys think you could really fool me?”

“Yeah. So did Rosé,” smirked Chan.

“She what?” I asked, shocked that Rosé was plotting with Chan.

“She’s gonna kill me for telling you but yes, I asked her to bring you here.”

“Oh my god, that’s why her text about the party conveniently came during peer review!” everything began to click as Chan smiled. “I mean, that explains everyone staring at us this whole night.”

“There’s the smart Y/N I know,” laughed Chan, staring at me with adoration which made me flustered. 

“I should’ve known,” I laughed dryly, “But Chan, seriously, I did have a great time with you tonight. And I don’t want that to end so, yes, I’ll be your girlfriend I guess.”

“You what!?” Chan’s jaw dropped as his eyes brightened.

“Don’t make me repeat myself,” I rolled my eyes as I pulled him into a kiss. His plush lips I used to despise returned the kiss as he fought back a smile, putting his hands on my waist to draw me closer. We pulled back from one another because we couldn’t stop smiling. 

“God, Y/N. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that,” mused Chan as a genuine smile graced his features as he put an arm around my waist. 

“Yeah it took you long enough,” I rolled my eyes playfully and leaned into his embrace. “Now do you wanna go back inside to party?”

“I’m happy wherever you are, Y/N.”

Chan’s POV

YESSSS I DID IT!!! Y/N IS MINE NOW! Oh my god, oh my god. All it took was for me to word-vomit everything I had felt about her with a pinch of jealousy to make her my girlfriend. I don’t even remember the initial plan because this outcome is so much better. I smiled at the girl in my arms, the one I spent years annoying because I couldn’t communicate my feelings. This is what bliss is. 

Suddenly, my phone began to vibrate like crazy once again. 

“Hold on, I think the guys are texting me,” I tell Y/N as I bring out my phone. I gasp as my eyes widen.

Felix: So uh, I went outside to find Chan and this is what I saw 😳 *insert pic of Chan and Y/N kissing*

Hyunjin: omg how the turns have tabled

Jisung: WHAT!! The switch up is crazyyyyy

Jeongin: oh god my eyesssss (nice job Chan)

Seungmin: phew Chan is okay lol

A message was deleted by Minho

Minho: Aw finally! (I didn’t call Y/N a bitch earlier nooo)

Changbin: CHAN’S GETTING IT AYYY

“What’s wrong Chan?” asked Y/N as she fished out her phone which was also buzzing with notifications. 

“Just check your phone,” I muttered in disbelief, but I couldn’t help but hold back a smile. 

Y/N’s POV

I took Chan’s advice and checked my phone. Maybe something had happened at the party while we were gone? Instead, I found like a hundred notifications from Rosé.

Rosé: AHFEWFEJ WHAT JUST HAPPENED

Rosé: I know you liked Soobin at one point but like

Rosé: omg Chan is actually sad

Rosé: check your phoneee even Jaehyun agrees

Rosé: wait omg

Rosé: *insert pic of Chan and Y/N kissing*

Rosé: care to explain? 🤭

“Oh my god Rosé!” I yelled.

Chan POV:

“Actually it was Felix who took that pic,” I laughed at her flustered state. Honestly, I love that the picture exists. My first kiss with Y/N. How precious!  

“Wanna go kill them?” asked Y/N, rolling up her sleeves. God she’s so hot when she’s mad, even hotter when she’s mad at other people. 

“Gladly, but first, you never answered my question,” I began, smirking at her once again. 

“What question?” She replied, tilting her head in confusion. 

“Can you prove to me that your ass is actually bigger than mine?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow as I eyed her behind and began to laugh at her further flustered state. She paused before suddenly moving closer to me.

“After I get finished with them,” she muttered, gesturing to our friends in the frat house, “Is when I’ll get started with this.” I yelped from the sudden smack on my butt as Y/N eyed me dangerously, smirking. 

“Oh I can’t wait!”

Epilogue:

Y/N’s POV

Even though I hadn’t had a sip of alcohol, I still woke up hungover the next morning in my bed. I groaned at the slew of notifications that had woken me up from my slumber. I can’t believe that I woke up as the girlfriend of Bang Chan, the frat guy who had a notorious reputation for also being a fuck boy. I blinked a few times as I opened Instagram only to find the picture of me kissing Bang Chan to be the first post I saw. 

@gnabnahc last night was crazyyy 🥶💯😳

Comments: 

@yong.lixx: photo creds? 📸 jk so happy for you man

@i.2.n.8: mommy & daddy 😳

@miniverse.__: lookin gr8 bro 

@jutdwae: Ayyyy bro is hard launching rn!

@hynjinnnn: now this is art

@minho_knows: you’re welcome

@han_jisung: yeah she’s much better with you 🤭

@roses_are_rosie: so the plan worked! 😁

@page.soobin: congrats 🥲

⎿ @bamgyuuuu: it’s ok u tried bro 😤

Ok this was my first ever attempt at writing a stray kids fic! I hope you enjoyed! I had a lot of fun writing this! I know Chan would never be a fuck boy irl but as you can see it would be fun to imagine what that might look like!

[lonelyroommp3]

For the music asks: 1, 5, 23! 💖

Waittt I meant 22 not 23 🙈 but by all means answer both haha

and i WILL be answering both 😤 also this got far more philosophical than i anticipated. thanks for the accidental monday morning therapy i suppose

an album you can’t stop listening to lately

as i already said in another answer i do not really listen to albums on repeat, and am definitely not doing that at the moment, so i'm once again going to use this as an "album i listened to recently and enjoyed" slot, and i am giving that slot to fires by nerina pallot (thank you, btw, to @flashbastard for recommending me this one when i was asking for album recs the other day)

5. name an album you feel is perfect

i'm showing my tumblr here and i don't even care. it's the black parade

23. name a song that you associate with being sad

i've always romanticised the idea of a big dramatic Starting Over moment, which is an idea that's lovely in theory but in reality often lends you to a spiral of "okay, well that didn't go perfectly, so we start again tomorrow, and before that to really seal the deal i'll do One Last Binge/One Last Day Without Getting Out Of Bed/One More Pulling A Sickie From Work and after that i will get up in the morning and everything will be perfect", and then that doesn't magically happen, so you do it again the very next day, and before you know it you've eaten a whole 5 pack of tesco bakery cookies every day for the past 6 months and none of your jeans fit anymore and you feel worse than you did when you started. i would blame this partly, but not entirely, on the fact that right at the very moment when my mental health started going down the can in spring 2015 (oh my god. almost ten years of this. fucking hell) and i pulled an all timer of a rejection sensitive dysphoria breakdown that caused a genuine schism that saw half of my sixth form friend group drop me (i don't blame them; i WAS being a massive manipulative downer cunt, to be fair), a little artist by the name of marina and the diamonds dropped a little promo single for her upcoming album called "forget". which is, of course, all about having a big dramatic Starting Over moment. every time i listen to it i picture freshly 18 year old alix in the living room eating a truly unholy number of creme eggs in one sitting and promising herself that this would be the moment everything turned itself around. as my next answer will attest, it quite clearly wasn't. but to be fair, the song still fucking goes

22. name a song that reminds you of one of your best memories

in 2017 i was horrendously depressed, on the verge of repeating a year at uni, had very few irl friends, was staying in bed and binge eating all the time, and the one thing keeping me going was my musical exploits, including performing in a student written musical (we will not discuss any parallels with my life at present). i also, and this is vital, had a FAT crush on one of the creative team, who (like most of my crushes) was a beautiful waiflike dorky twink of a man who i'm fairly certain was actually gay. one time i got invited over with him and several other cast members to watch the princess bride in one of their rooms while predrinking to go out clubbing: i got several diet coke bottles, topped each one up with about four shots of vodka, and got so drunk while watching the movie (it was the first and only time i ever watched the princess bride) that hand on heart, to this day, i could not tell you a single fucking thing that happens post-rodents of an unusual size. i also don't really remember being in the club, but i think that's because it was a largely unremarkable night out (for the reference of my small but vocal cohort of fellow oxford alumni on here, this is because we went to bridge, and i will die on the hill that this is a grossly overrated and deeply boring club). the one thing i do remember is the walk to the club, cutting, on a winding route, through the streets of oxford at 10:30pm in late winter. it was dark, and clear, and a little bit cold, and along the way we stopped at sainsbury's to grab more tinnies that none of us needed so that we could keep predrinking on the way. i was walking in step with the boy i liked, silently beseeching him and the universe as a whole to give me a sign that something was going to happen between us. and somewhere along the line - i don't know if we heard this song blasting from a pub, or somebody else's room in a different college as they prepared for their own night out with their own friends, or if it was just a pure act of spontaneous whimsy - the whole group of us started belting, comically out of tune considering the number of us who actually went on to pursue music and theatre as our actual professional careers, rule the world by take that. and as we hit the chorus, the boy put his arm around my shoulder, and as far as i know it was always a completely platonic gesture, but in that specific moment i felt like maybe, just maybe, there was a glimmer of hope glinting for me in the distance, and if i kept collecting moments like this i might begin to have a life that felt like something real and precious and worthy of actually existing in.

[zeldahime]

Zelda Liveblogs a Lancet Paper

Following this post, I am now going to liveblog reading the Lancet paper cited by the Economist article to predict worldwide fertility to drop by 3/4s of its current position if current demographic trends continue. It is an Open Access article, so the entire thing is open for anyone on the internet to read.

Citation:

GBD 2021 Fertility and Forecasting Collaborators (March 20, 2024). Global fertility in 204 countries and territories, 1950–2021, with forecasts to 2100: a comprehensive demographic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2021. The Lancet, 403(10440), 2057-2099. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0140-6736(24)00550-6.

I refuse to use Chicago style. This is mostly because I memorized APA and don't want to learn a new one.

First, my background: I am not a demographer; I am not trained as a demographer; I have studied it auxiliarily to my other academic pursuits. I fall in a sort of educated in-between. I am currently a Master's student in library and information sciences, and my undergraduate degree was in political science, both at USAmerican universities. However, the field of economics is also very close to my heart, and I would have double-majored in it if the opportunity and financial costs had not been too high to justify it. During the five years I was a college drop-out, I studied economics independently, reading broadly within the field and taking non-certificate courses online. I've been taking non-certificate courses in economics through correspondence or online since I was about nine. I'm not an expert! I do, however, think I'm a fairly well-informed amateur.

And a note on language. This paper refers to birthing parents as mothers and to the demographic that gives birth interchangeably as female and women. I acknowledge that this is a cissexist patriarchical viewpoint that erases transmen, nonbinary and intersex people, and probably others I'm not thinking of. For consistency between my reflections and the paper and ease of reading, I will do the same. I'm conscious I'm part of the problem here, but don't see a way around it without making my bits harder to understand than they have to be.

With that out of the way, here we go:

Methodology (Summary)

This is where me not being a demographer is an important thing to know. I neither know nor normally care about the statistical methods used to determine demography, just that the demographers aren't retracting papers over it. However, I do know that in general the CCF50 (total cohort fertility before the age of 50) is a neater and more accurate measurement to build projections on than the TFR (total fertility rate by year) and that's the methodology the paper's authors went with. This is good and promising. TFR for known years and CCF50 projections sounds like a solid method. 👍

We additionally produced forecasts for multiple alternative scenarios in each location: the UN Sustainable Development Goal (SDG) for education is achieved by 2030; the contraceptive met need SDG is achieved by 2030; pro-natal policies are enacted to create supportive environments for those who give birth; and the previous three scenarios combined.

I'm very hopeful about these forecasts! They'll show a few different hopeful scenarios.

To evaluate the forecasting performance of our model and others, we computed skill values—a metric assessing gain in forecasting accuracy—by comparing predicted versus observed ASFRs from the past 15 years (2007–21). A positive skill metric indicates that the model being evaluated performs better than the baseline model (here, a simplified model holding 2007 values constant in the future), and a negative metric indicates that the evaluated model performs worse than baseline.

This is a very responsible thing for the authors to have done, and I am interested to see how this is reflected in the models.

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Findings (Summary)

During the period from 1950 to 2021, global TFR more than halved, from 4·84 (95% UI 4·63–5·06) to 2·23 (2·09–2·38). Global annual livebirths peaked in 2016 at 142 million (95% UI 137–147), declining to 129 million (121–138) in 2021. Fertility rates declined in all countries and territories since 1950,

(Emphasis mine. The numbers in parentheses are the confidence interval.) I think this is the most important takeaway from the whole damn paper. Makes sense, since it's the first line of the findings. If you read nothing else, read these three sentences. Global birthrates are barely above replacement (which, if you recall from my other essay, is generally considered to be ~2.1). To me, this implies lot of problems that traditionally have been considered solvable with population redistribution (meaning, mostly, immigration) may not be solvable that way even if fertility were to stop declining today and hold constant for the rest of the century.

Future fertility rates were projected to continue to decline worldwide, reaching a global TFR of 1·83 (1·59–2·08) in 2050 and 1·59 (1·25–1·96) in 2100 under the reference scenario. The number of countries and territories with fertility rates remaining above replacement was forecast to be 49 (24·0%) in 2050 and only six (2·9%) in 2100, with three of these six countries included in the 2021 World Bank-defined low-income group, all located in the GBD super-region of sub-Saharan Africa.

Holy shit. I cannot emphasize enough how low a TFR of 1.59 is. This is approximately the current TFR of the United Kingdom, and they're beginning to freak out even though they have relatively easy sources of additional replacement recruitment through the Commonwealth. Imagine that for the whole Earth. With only six countries as a potential source of surplus population to be redistributed.

Funding from the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Makes sense. This is the kind of thing that foundation funds.

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Introduction

Low levels of fertility have the potential over time to result in inverted population pyramids with growing numbers of older people and declining working-age populations. These changes are likely to place increasing burdens on health care and social systems, transform labour and consumer markets, and alter patterns of resource use.

Oh man, I wish I'd gone through this paper earlier, I could have just quoted this bit and been done instead of trying to explain it from scratch! 😂

The UN Population Division estimates of past fertility are not compliant with the Guidelines on Accurate and Transparent Health Estimates Reporting (GATHER) statement in important respects; notably, they do not provide all code for statistical models or explicit details on criteria for exclusion or adjustment of primary data sources. Furthermore, the validity of UN Population Division projections has been questioned due to the assumptions applied in countries experiencing low post-transition fertility dropping below replacement level.

YES GO OFF 👏 The UN Population Division is so much more cagey about their data than the World Bank, it's so annoying, and they keep predicting increases that don't happen. I thought it was so weird as an undergrad but figured it was because of ~bureaucracy~ or privacy laws or whatever. It's nice to be vindicated [redacted] years later.

Our forecasts also suggest that, by 2100, the largest concentrations of livebirths will shift to low-income settings, particularly a subset of countries and territories in sub-Saharan Africa, which are among the most vulnerable to economic and environmental challenges. Extreme shifts in the global distribution of livebirths can be partially ameliorated by improved female education and met need for modern contraception. Outside of this subset of low-income areas, most of the world's countries will experience the repercussions of low fertility, with ageing populations, declining workforces, and inverted population pyramids, which are likely to lead to profound fiscal, economic, and social consequences. National policy makers and the global health community must plan to address these divided sets of demographic challenges emerging worldwide.

This is such an important point for them to make. Demography isn't a vacuum; it has significant real-world effects. By 2100, most babies born will be born in Africa, and we need to plan for that now. By 2100, most countries will not have enough workers, and we need to plan for that now. 2100 is not that far into the future. I, personally, will live to see the beginnings of the effects of this demographic shift, and I'm an adult who pays taxes and has a college degree and shit.

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The Data Sources and Processing section is pretty standard and unremarkable. Good job.

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Fertility Forecasting

We produced forecasts of fertility using an updated modelling framework (appendix 1 section 3) that improved on the methods in the 2020 study by Vollset and colleagues. In our updated methods, we used not only estimates of female educational attainment and contraceptive met need as covariates, but also estimates of under-5 mortality and population density in habitable areas to account for a larger variation in CCF50 across all countries in the sub-models (appendix 1 section 3.1, appendix 2 figure S2). Similar to Vollset and colleagues, we continued to forecast fertility with CCF50 rather than TFR, because modelling in cohort space is more stable than in period space.

Niiiiice. Covariates are things that, well, vary, alongside the thing you're trying to measure. For fertility, the most obvious one might be age of the mother at first birth; if someone is 16 at first birth, she probably will have more kids than someone who is 30 at first birth, for example. This model also includes how much schooling the mother gets, whether she has contraception, the mortality rate (that is, how many of them die) of children under five, and population density! That's a lot of statistical crunching and their model will be more precise for it. Precise isn't the same as accurate, but I think that with the variables they selected, they will travel in the same direction.

What a pretty equation. I don't understand it, but it's got a certain je ne sais quois.

For the education SDG scenario, the forecasts assume that by 2030, all people will have 12 years or more of education by the age of 25 years and then maintains the same rate of change as the reference scenario up to 2100. For the contraceptive met need scenario, to reflect the SDG scenario of universal access, the forecasts assumed a linear increase in contraceptive coverage to reach 100% by 2030 and then stay constant up to 2100.

I love how optimistic these scenarios are 😂 This truly is the best-case scenario for both the education forecast and the contraceptive forecast! I do hope everybody has 12+ years of education and 100% contraceptive coverage by 2030. Make it happen, António!!!!

(Joke explained: António Guterres is the current Secretary-General of the United Nations, and these goals are absolutely not going to be met by 2030.)

In the pro-natal scenario, we assumed a country will introduce pro-natal policies, such as childcare subsidies, extended parental leave, insurance coverage expansion for infertility treatment, 33 and other forms of support for parents to afford high-quality child-care services, once TFR decreases to less than 1·75. We then made three assumptions on the effects of such policies. First, we assumed the full effect of pro-natal policies will be to increase TFR by 0·2. Second, it will take 5 years after the policy is introduced for the full increase in TFR to occur, and TFR will rise linearly over that time span. Last, we assumed that both the policies and the increase in TFR by 0·2 will endure for the remainder of the century.

The pro-natal scenario is also incredibly optimistic. This kind of response simply hasn't happened in any country that's tried pro-natal policies as envisioned by the authors (my reference cases, just off the top of my head: Japan and France).

The optimism makes sense. They represent extreme cases, in order to contrast possible outcomes versus the reference case. This is good practice! It's just also funny.

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Results

The Reference Case

I hate the embedded tables. They have the confidence interval in the same cell as the estimate. How very dare they, that's incredibly inconvenient for me personally.

The chart in Figure 1, however, I think speaks volumes:

It speaks so many volumes that I'm gonna go up and put it above the cut, brb. This chart shows the reference case; that is, it shows the fertility rate if the fertility trends of 1950-2021 continue into the future.

At the national level, estimates of TFR in 2021 ranged from 0·82 (95% UI 0·75–0·89) in South Korea to 6·99 (6·75–7·24) in Chad, with below-replacement levels of fertility (TFR <2·1) in 110 of 204 countries and territories (table 1, figures 2A, 3).

I think this range is neat and goes to show that while the trend is world-wide, it's still not even. Chadian women still give birth to about 7ish kids on average. That's more than 3x replacement, and more than 8.5x the average fertility of South Korea. South Korea is going to have different problems than Chad; Chad probably doesn't have to worry as much about their workforce being unable to sustain a large elderly population. (Don't look so cheerful about it. They've got lots of other stuff to worry about. 😬)

These charts are fascinating to look at to me. I think this really showcases just how dramatic the projected decline is. It's not just the Europe, it's not just wealthy post-industrialized countries, but everywhere. It's in Eswanti, it's in Indonesia, it's in Burkina Faso, it's in China. It really shows just how much Chad is an outlier (adn should still be counted, btw, just because it's an outlier doesn't mean we should discard it; it's dependent on study structure and you can't just throw out entire countries because they have high birth rates on a study of birth rates).

Our estimates indicate that there is approximately a 30-year gap between the time when TFR falls below 2·1 and when the natural rate of population increase turns negative. We forecast that 155 (76·0%) countries and territories will have fertility rates below replacement level in 2050; by 2100, we project this number will increase to 198 (97·1%), with 178 (87·3%) having a negative natural rate of increase (figure 3).

A 30-year gap sounds reasonable. That's about how long it takes for people to have/not have kids, and for their own parents to potentially die, in about equalish numbers (on a global scale, anyway). I do think this gap number is likely to increase as healthcare improves in places that are worse today and as fertility technology increases the age at which people can become pregnant, but 30 is a perfectly respectable number with actual statistical backing.

Alternative scenario fertility forecasts

This is the part I'm really excited about!!!

The first scenario, which assumes meeting the SDG education target by 2030, is estimated to result in global TFRs of 1·65 (95% UI 1·40–1·92) in 2050 and 1·56 (1·26–1·92) in 2100 (table 2). The second scenario, which assumes meeting the SDG contraceptive met need target by 2030, will produce global TFRs of 1·64 (1·39–1·89) in 2050 and 1·52 (1·21–1·87) in 2100. The third scenario, which incorporates pro-natal policy implementation, is forecast to yield global TFRs of 1·93 (1·69–2·19) in 2050 and 1·68 (1·36–2·04) in 2100. The combined scenario, in which all three other alternative scenarios are applied, is projected to result in a global TFR of 1·65 (1·40–1·92) in 2050 and 1·62 (1·35–1·95) in 2100.

So recall the reference scenario projections: 1·83 (1·59–2·08) in 2050 and 1·59 (1·25–1·96) in 2100.

I find it interesting that all cases are so incredibly close to reference, with overlapping confidence intervals. Functionally, there's not a lot of difference between a TFR of 1.68 and 1.52. They're both still well below replacement. It's about the difference between Sweden (1.67) and Russia (1.51). Russia, you may have noticed, is waging war about it.*

*This is not a stated goal of the Russian Federation in the Ukraine War. This is me personally making an assertion that the shifting demographics of the Russian population, including the below-replacement birthrate beginning to put pressure on their lacking social safety networks, has contributed to the many complicated and interconnected reasons why the Russian Federation invaded Ukraine, but please do not take me to be the final authority on the matter or interpret this statement as implying that demography of all things is the sole or primary reason for the war.

Discussion

The aforementioned changes in fertility over the coming century will have profound effects on populations, economies, geopolitics, food security, health, and the environment, with a clear demographic divide between the impacts on many middle-to-high-income locations versus many low-income locations. For nearly all countries and territories outside of sub-Saharan Africa, sustained low fertility will produce a contracting population with fewer young people relative to older people before the end of the 21st century. These changes in age structure are likely to present considerable economic challenges caused by a growing dependency ratio of older to working-age population and a shrinking labour force. 42 Unless governments identify unforeseen innovations or funding sources that address the challenges of population ageing, this demographic shift will put increasing pressure on national health insurance, social security programmes, and health-care infrastructure. These same programmes will receive less funding as working-age, tax-paying populations decline, further exacerbating the problem.

This is why the Economist article talks about birthrates the way it does. It's not about white babies or whatever people in the notes are sarcastically ascribing to an article they haven't read. It's about the whole world. There are 150 countries outside of the Sub-Saharan Africa region, and 44 of the 46 countries within Sub-Saharan Africa are projected to feel the many or all of the same effects as well.

It's about the way social security nets are structured and how they're going to fail. It's about the way that elderly people are going to be treated by our societies. It's about me, and it's about you, and it's about making sure that there are enough humans to take care of the other humans that need taking care of.

If we don't increase global fertility rates above replacement, which it increasingly looks like we won't, we need other solutions. The fertility one is easy fuckin' pickings compared to a complete overhaul of society, and you saw how little difference it actually makes. So did the authors:

To date, one strategy to reverse declining fertility in low-fertility settings has been to implement pro-natal policies, such as child-related cash transfers and tax incentives, childcare subsidies, extended parental leave, re-employment rights, and other forms of support for parents to care and pay for their children.49, 50 Yet there are few data to show that such policies have led to strong, sustained rebounds in fertility, with empirical evidence suggesting an effect size of no more than 0·2 additional livebirths per female. [...] Moreover, although pro-natal policies primarily aim to increase births, they also offer additional benefits to society, including better quality of life, greater household gender equality (ie, more equal division of household labour),53 higher rates of female labour force participation,54 lower child-care costs,55 and better maternal health outcomes,56 depending on policy design and contextual factors. In the future, it will be beneficial to perform an in-depth analysis on varying impacts of pro-natal policies in selected countries that have a meaningful impact on population. [...] Importantly, low fertility rates and the modest effects that pro-natal policies might have on them should not be used to justify more draconian measures that limit reproductive rights, such as restricting access to modern contraceptives or abortions.

I just want to highlight that the study authors explicitly argue for certain pro-natal policies that increase quality of life and caution against pro-natal policies that limit rights. These people aren't heartless.

They also discuss at some length the implications of the changing distribution of live births, where by the end of the century most live births will take place in the poorest nations, which are also the ones that will be hardest-hit by climate change. These nations already face famines, military rule, civil wars, terrorism, and climate changed-caused severe heatwaves, droughts, and floods. They advise politicians to take this into account when making policy decisions but don't go into what policy decisions should be made, which is wise since they're demographers and not political scientists, but disappointed me, the political scientist reading the demography paper and hoping to find something to criticize.

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My takeaway:

Incredibly interesting paper. As a non-demographer, I think it's very convincing and hope that it sparks a serious conversation about the paths we need to take forward, in our own countries and as a global community. I especially hope that it inspires us to take bold action to drastically change our systems of elder care, which are already being pushed to the limit and will simply break under pressure if fertility rates continue to fall.

[dearestones]

Growing Up While Slowing Down (Mello and Reader)

Warnings: N/A

Anonymous Request: Sorry I'm so late in replying. I'd like to see mello when he's still at Wammy's house, maybe he'd like a caretaker sister who's a few years older than him. Or else you could write about when he was mafia and how awesome he looked like he had the world at his feet. For some reason I don't want to think back to mello dying, he's forever young in my mind. (Thank you for your reply and I wish you all the best!)

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Life was hard. 

And life was infinitely harder growing up in a secluded orphanage that prioritized only what you could offer in the future than who you were as a person. 

You didn't particularly know why you procrastinated on your plans to leave Wammy's. Most other alumni who graduated from the orphanage without getting adopted were either drafted into specific positions to be later used by greater letters than themselves or faded into obscurity. As for you, life seemed to be simultaneously too fast and too slow for your own liking. You knew at one point that you had to leave the safety of your childhood home, but you wanted to stretch the days until it felt like years would pass. Although you knew that the social environment in the orphanage wasn't the best—if what your friends in the psychological sciences were to be believed—you could not bear to let go of something that had sunk its claws into you for so long.

It was childish, but then again, you were still a child.

Today, you were out in the gardens that surrounded the property. Although most of the landscape was maintained by staff, there were a few areas where several students were encouraged to plant and cultivate their own vegetation. Most of the time, the area was frequented with many of the younger children—most of whom believed that they could play in the mud all day.

They weren't exactly wrong—many of their tutors touted Montessori methods of teaching and the benefits of training proprioception—but the children were expected to complete a project or two every season.

From what you could gather, most of the children would not pursue botanical pursuits other than the rare oddball or two.

Even now, there were only two small children being overseen by one of your older cohorts. The older child gave you a nod of acknowledgement before directing one of the children under her care to start digging a small hole on a small patch of bare earth.

As you walked past them and deeper into the gardens, you thought about your future. To have survived this long at Wammy's House, you would have to be smart, cunning, and resourceful. It was no secret that your sole benefactor, the legendary detective L himself, only created and maintained proteges to either replace him or to aid him in future investigations. It was like a  factory where he oversaw the cultivation of future geniuses like himself.

While you were smart and clever, you never made it to the top ten students who made their home at Wammy's. No, that honor went to those who either worked their hardest to reach the top or were either gifted with intellectual superiority. That said, you knew that you were one of the fated students to fade into obscurity unless you were brought out of the shadows for something or other for either L or whoever took over when the elusive detective finally died.

Now that you made your way into the heart of the gardens, you headed towards a wrought iron bench. Despite it being decades old, it didn't look its age. Rather, the groundskeeper must have been doing his due diligence to make sure that everything under his care was flourishing and was the spitting image of what it must have looked like at the orphanage's inception.

Here, underneath the shade of an aging oak tree, you were able to relax. It was an overcast day and whatever sun was available did little to provide you with any warmth. Were you surprised? Of course not, it was England and everyone and everything had their own schedule to adhere to.

It was practically a crime to go against what was normal and usual.

So, it came to a surprise to you when you heard someone trudging down the path, making a beeline towards the bench. 

And you.

It was rare for someone to find you out here, especially since it was the weekend and most of the orphanage's minders didn't keep tabs on the older students since they often proved to be "responsible".

(Was that true? Debatable, but you'd rather that they didn't nag you do to homework or keep a strict eye on your day to day life).

Curious now as to who was following you, you glanced up only to find yourself blanching at the student who was heading your way.

When you first heard the footsteps, you thought it was someone who happened to come near, someone who might have wanted to go see the bushes and the native fauna that had come with the orphanage so long ago. However, that was far from the reality.

Really, you did not see this coming.

The person who picked up speed to talk to you was none other than M or Mello.

Despite the position of his letter in the Latin alphabet, Mello was far from thirteenth place. In fact, he far surpassed those who made it in the top ten. The top five.

He was in the top three, usually making his way to second place.

He was smart and ambitious, always chomping at the bit to leave this wretched place and make a name for himself.

But he couldn't do that.

Not yet.

He was waiting for your esteemed benefactor to announce his successor.

Not that the news would matter to you, but you supposed given the rankings and the personalities of the top three students at the orphanage, you could only assume that N or Near would be the one to take L's place. In fact, most other children would agree with you, but all of you knew to keep quiet about such assumptions.

Mello wasn't a physically aggressive child most of the time, but his anger was more than enough of a deterrent to hinder such rumors.

"Mello," you greeted placidly as he practically fell in his seat next to you, "it's not like you to be walking the grounds so late in the afternoon. What brings you here?"

Sometimes, you wondered about Mello. You knew what his dreams were, what all of his hard work and striving to be the best meant for his future. Unfortunately, you knew that didn't mean that he was going to eventually get what he wanted. There was no way he could ever beat Near in the orphanage and if L ever broke his silence about his definitive successor…

You had to wonder if Mello could be a person outside of M, the second place student.

He scowled at you, but decided to face forward when you gave him a look that conveyed how done you were with him. You were more than well aware of what he was like around other students, particularly when he was angry that Near had beat him again in the rankings, but you weren't scared of him. Despite the height difference that came with puberty, you still had a few years on him. Age was but a number, but higher numbers meant seniority and sometimes, superiority—both of which Mello intimately knew well.

So, his grumbly nature didn't affect you as much as it would had you been the same age or younger than Mello.

Instead, you merely leveled an unimpressed look at him before you poked him gently on the side. 

(Years ago, before the idea of rankings and numbers and letters took over all of his ambitions and dreams, he would have laughed before tickling you back). 

The blond glared at you, but did not offer any more of a rebuttal than to slightly shift his weight upon the bench. You were too caught up in your antics to feel bad, but you were feeling nostalgic. No matter how old some of the students got at Wammy's, you would remember most of them as squalling toddlers or inquisitive children having fun. In the midst of the dread that came with aging out of the system, you had to hold onto things that made you happy.

And—

Well—

Messing with someone who used to be bright eyed and shy was titillating.

Unfortunately for you, after a few more seconds of your shenanigans, Mello finally had enough. He grabbed your wrist tightly—not enough to cause harm, but to stabilize your hand and to prevent you from tickling him. It was then, at that moment, you realized that Mello was uncharacteristically quiet. Subdued. Not at all the type of person who would spend weeks trying to one up Near or the person who would raise hell if he so much as heard whispers that he wasn't the best that Wammy's had to offer.

Curious now, you stopped and looked at him, a question clearly in your eyes.

"Erm, Mello...?" You didn't know what to say, given that he hadn't made it clear why he had chosen to accompany you on this fine day. As a last resort, you tugged out of his hold and leveled him a concerned, but wary glance. "Did you need something?"

That had to be the one thing that made sense to you at that moment. It was rare that Mello talked to you nowadays, even though you used to take care of him when he was younger. You couldn't put a finger on when or why, but he slowly began immersing all of his free time into his studies and beating Near. Before that, he had been content to spend most of his time living life to the fullest and playing with his friends. Now, it seemed that the Mello you used to know was now a mere shadow approaching noon.

That is to say, it no longer existed.

Though, you supposed that it had to happen at some point. People weren't meant to stay the same throughout their entire lives. Growing and change were inherent to every living thing on earth; Mello was not exempt and neither were you.

Or, rather, you knew that you were not exempt from that fact of life, but that didn't stop you from procrastinating on it. It was ironic. You came out to the garden to escape the impending doom of becoming a fully fledged adult, but now that Mello was here, you couldn't think of anything else. It would have been mildly infuriating if it were not for the pensive look upon Mello's face.

"I talked to Roger today." That was not an angle to the conversation you expected. Roger kept up to date on all of the students under his care, but he reserved most of his face to face interactions for those who held potential to become L's successors... Or those who were ready to leave the House. You weren't exactly ready, but you knew that you were due to meet him in a month or so. Presumably, you would have a plan already in place or working on one. If not, you knew that he had a number of connections and career opportunities lined up at the ready for students who needed help or lacked initiative.

While you rarely spoke with the old man, you already knew that you were not looking forward to the impending conversation.

"Okay... And?"

You didn't know what to expect. Mello was a fair bit younger than you, so you didn't expect his news to be anything other than his longtime pursuit of trying to one up Near, but you were surprised.

"You're moving out soon."

You shrugged, not at all concerned on the outside, but cringing on the inside. "Technically, yes. I don't have any concrete plans at the moment."

The most that you could claim were only vague memories picking through university fliers or a list of phone numbers and emails that would get you connected to former Wammy's House alumni. You knew you had to move forward some day, but you did not want to start that large jump for the future right now. Rather... that should be saved for the future.

The frown that spread on his face was more than enough warning that you said the wrong thing.

But what could you have said?

And that’s when you realized that he looked rather downtrodden. For a young teenager recently experiencing the throes of puberty, he looked rather pathetic, but at the same time, you saw that there was a faint anger in his eyes. Even his body language screamed that he was battling something in his mind. Something that must have been bothering him. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, eyes narrowed in irritation. 

“Mello,” you crooned softly. He scoffed at your attempt to calm him, but it wasn’t like your attempts were in vain. Despite his appearance, he gradually relaxed. You faced away at the last possible moment to preserve a few seconds of your poorly disguised mirth. “Use your words, what’s wrong?”

The blond always played at being an adult, especially when talking to actual adults, but to you, he caved. 

His voice started out subtle, almost as if he was tearing out the words out of his mouth like a dentist pulling teeth. Hesitant and soft, he said, “You’re leaving.” A pause. “Without me.”

You blinked at him, confused. “Well, yes. But that’s what happens when we become of age. That’s the way Wammy’s works.” You thought a moment, trying to process why he seemed so put out at your inevitable fate. “You know this already, Mello, why would—”

And that’s when it hit you. 

Really, you knew that you weren’t bright enough to get into the top ten, but still. If you had the capacity to care, you would have been irritated at yourself for blatantly missing the signs. Of course, how could you not have seen it before! 

“You’re going to miss me.” It was a statement you reiterated when you observed Mello about to speak up, probably about to refute your assumption. “Awwww, Mello!”

Before he could leap off the bench, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and squeezed tight. 

Most students at the House would have balked at giving Mello affection, but not you. It was rare to see Mello be vulnerable and willingly show his more emotional side of himself. You couldn’t imagine him engaging in heart to hearts with Matt or god forbid, Near. 

“You’re just as annoying as I remember,” Mello muttered into the crook of your neck. His warm breath ghosted over your skin, his voice as small as the child he once was. 

For a moment, the both of you basked in the warm embrace. 

However, like all things, this moment had to pass. The both of you had to face reality. 

Grow up. 

At the other end of the garden, you heard the small children who had been busy planting were whooping and hollering in delight. Over the din, you could barely make out that they had found a wriggling patch of worms and were busy trying to get their current caretaker to touch one of them. The added screams made you smile, but also reminded you that you couldn’t hold Mello forever. 

Slowly—achingly—you released him. 

But Mello did not immediately leave. 

Instead, he leaned back against the wrought iron bench and closed his eyes. 

As a bit of sun peeked through the overcast clouds, you could barely make out what he said. 

But you heard him all the same. 

“Yeah… I’ll miss you.”

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If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free: https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

DEATH NOTE MASTERLIST

[chaotic-archaeologist]

hey reid, hope you don't mind if i come for some advice, i love your blog and it has motivated me to pursue my academic goals.

i'm currently in my first semester of my graduate program and while i like my peers, professors and everything i can't help but feel crushingly depressed and alone lol. i'm managing grad work fine (i think) but my advisor will check in on how i'm doing overall and i don't think i can really say i've mentally been in a bad place if it's even relevant to bring up. i don't want it to get to the point of it affecting my work, though i don't want to be dishonest.

Okay, so the good news and the bad news is that what you're experiencing is a totally normal part of grad school. Everyone goes through this to a certain degree. You've just moved to a new place and started a massively imposing endeavor—it makes sense that you're lonely and depressed. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.

Also, you said it yourself: you're in your first semester of your graduate program! Nobody is expecting you to have done anything monumental yet. Walk before you try to run. If you can go to a conference and apply for some funding by the end of the year, I would call that a win.

I bet you're probably used to being in the top of your undergraduate classes, and now in grad school you're thrown in with a bunch of other people who were also overachievers. It's intimidating. There's the temptation to look around at your peers and feel inadequate. Do not let yourself do this. That way, madness lies. I guarantee you that everyone else around you is feeling a similar panic about what they haven't done.

I would actually encourage you to talk with your advisor. You don't have to open up about your feelings. Instead, frame it around what you hope to accomplish, and check to see if they think that's reasonable. Last year around this time (when I was in my first semester) I sat down my advisor and we sketched out a rough two year plan. That included what classes I was going to take each semester, how I would spend my time in the summer, and opportunities I wanted to go after. If that kind of structure might help you, definitely do something similar.

Now here's my one piece of absolutely critical advice: you must find something that affirms your sense of self your outside of school. For me, it's volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters. One of my friends takes dance classes. Another does community organizing. Cooking. Roller derby. Anything that you can enjoy. The benefits to these sorts of activities are twofold.

First, they give you something to feel good about even when you're struggling academically. If your whole life is tied up in one thing, it can feel like the end of the world when you hit a rough patch. Spread your eggs out into other baskets. This is a form of self care.

Second, these activities introduce you to other people. A big part of making friends is just showing up at the same place as other people, and continuing to spend time with them. Grad school makes that difficult, but I promise you, your life will be so much better if you carve out some time for yourself.

Doing things with other students is also good! I took a bunch of my cohort to hockey games last year, and I'm planning on doing the same thing again. It can be a craft night, or a potluck—whatever you want. Build up some camaraderie! You don't have to be best friends with your fellow students, but it helps to have a friendly face around the department.

The thing about grad school is that you gotta spark your own joy, otherwise it'll eat you alive. Pull your nose back from the grindstone, take a breath, and do something to remind yourself that the world is beautiful and life is worth living.

-Reid

[starchaserdreams]

My Regency AU

*deep breaths* *please take a chance on me*

Okay. so I decided to write a Jegulus Regency AU in the style of Jane Austen (NOT as good as she would write, but in the style of, as a writing exercise), and I've started! I wrote the prologue already, and plan to write the next 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo. I'm super excited.

In case anyone is interested in what a queer regency au in her style might look like, I've put the text of the prologue below. Wish me luck as I do NaNoWriMo! It's both daunting and exciting. And also it's not what I spent all of October preparing to write, so here goes nothing!

-

Prologue

There are certain things about which one must remain silent: struggles with money, the fear of the loss of the bloom of youth causing one to become fat and ugly, and the fact that since the dawn of time, there have been men who were attracted to other men.

For James, a handsome young man of 23 who had grown up in the wealthiest of families, the first two did not signify in his life.

He only became aware of the latter phenomenon, in which he himself would not have condescended to participate, when he left home for Oxford at the age of 18.

He had long been told before leaving for university that school would broaden his horizons and open him up to new understandings of the world. This particular type of education was not, perhaps, what he expected to learn, but it was in fact a key part of the education he received.

Early in his first days at the school he made a friend with whom he would grow very close, one Sirius Orion Black, of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. That friend, James soon learned, was open with affection towards anyone with a pulse. He had no care for sex, age, or origin, only pleasure.

James found himself surprised, but not offended. Were not the university years of young men to be spent in varying degrees of debauchery, taking in all of the pleasures that life afforded before it was time to grow and settle down? Certainly their lives would take a much more respectable turn once they came of age and moved on in life to prepare to take on their titles and sire heirs, but for the duration of their university years, they could live exactly as they saw fit. 

For Sirius, that was in sowing his wild oats wherever he was allowed, and often in ways that could sow no oats at all.

James, though he had no judgment in his heart for that way of being, could never himself live thusly. He was simply too taken with the idea of loving only one person in his life so deeply that he could not contain it.

In short, he was a romantic.

It was the rare 20-year-old at Oxford who found himself intentionally avoiding interactions with those of the fairer sex who were inclined to seek out the university students. Because while James was unusually handsome, he was also unusually steadfast in refusing any who chose to approach him. While he could have had his choice of the ladies, he did not make a choice at all. He chose instead a loyalty to a woman he hadn’t met yet, one whom he would love with his whole heart, once the time came for them to meet. 

James and his cohort of friends were well-liked among both students and faculty. Although they were well known for mischief, society at large turned a blind eye thanks to that certain fondness that they held for those young men. Were they half as handsome, they would have received half as much leniency. But James had never known a day of his life when he was not one of the most handsome in a room and these days were no different.

While James was on good terms with the whole of Oxford, it was his particular group of four friends with whom he spent the chief of his time. 

There was the aforementioned Sirius Black, who had been so close as to be a brother to him from the first moment they’d met. Sirius had introduced him to more than just the baser pleasures that a young man could want; he’d also taught James ways to communicate that James could not previously have comprehended. Sirius was both a master of words and a master of smiles. It was no wonder he had all of the young ladies and some of the young men falling over themselves to know him. 

There was Peter Pettigrew, who had come to Oxford with an engagement already entirely wrapped up. He had no interest in the ongoing sexual exploits of those around him. He’d introduced each of his friends to his intended, one Desdemona Lewis, and James had found that she - while not particularly singular in appearance among the young ladies - was of a temperament to be a perfect match for Peter. They both needed reassurance that affection was returned, and they were sure to provide it to each other often. Sirius found it sickening, James found it sweet. 

And finally, there was Remus Lupin. He’d been the final member of their band of mischief makers to join their ranks and had not gotten to know any of them until their second year at the school. James had met him in a seminar on classic literature and encouraged him to join their meeting at the local pub one evening. Sirius, who had so wholly mocked James for his interest in classic literature and his choice in courses, sat up straight and got a rogue grin on his face almost at once when James and Remus walked in. James none too gently clocked him on the shoulder to try to discourage him from doing whatever he was thinking, but it was fruitless from the first. 

It hadn’t mattered, and it didn’t take long for James to realize that nothing could ever have dissuaded those two from their inevitable connection. 

In the earliest moments of their acquaintance, James had pretended not to notice that they often ended the nights together, but it didn’t take long for him to pick up on their very particular regard for each other. Sirius may well have continued on in his way for most of their time at university getting to know anyone who had any interest in him, but at the end of the night he would crawl into Remus’ bed. It was anything but roguish debauchery. James, romantic at heart that he was, would almost have called it love, were that sort of thing allowed. It could never be, while Sirius was the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, and Remus was the only son of a very respectable - though not genteel - family. They had their roles to play in life, and falling in love with someone so wholly inappropriate could never be something that would be in the cards for either of them. 

So James looked the other way when he noticed them curling around each other, and chalked it up to a temporary arrangement that they would someday grow out of. 

James just hoped that they could all remain good friends afterwards. He knew enough of the poor - and often loud - endings of Sirius’ prior liaisons to know that there could be, at times, painful endings for those whom he had tired of. James couldn’t imagine that Remus would ever fall into this category, but he felt wary all the same. His lived experience had taught him that his best friend, while quite devoted to his friends, could be finicky when it came to lovers. Still, Remus fell into the former category just as well as the latter, so James imagined that Sirius’ loyalty to him had to be built on firmer foundation than some that to some others. Or, he hoped so, anyway.

James’ years at university were a delight for James and his friends, but they were not so pleasant for one person for whom James felt a particular fondness. 

James’ mother was proud to have raised a kind, well-bred, romantic son, and she’d taken pride in his acceptance to Oxford. He was, after all, an ideal student, son, and friend, and she had no doubt he would make a perfect husband and father someday to the perfect wife and children. Even knowing all of that, she had still found it regrettably difficult to let her son leave home for so many months in a row. How was a mother to live so far away from her son, not knowing if he was behaving properly, getting enough rest, and focusing on his studies, and in particular not knowing if he was well-fed? 

So while many of James’ friends took school holidays to travel - either to visit the homes of their friends or to go on holiday to foreign countries - James found himself shepherded home each school break to visit his parents. He cared deeply for his mother’s wellbeing and happiness, so he saw it as no burden at all, but it offered him significantly less time with his friends than the others got.

Still, he was quite sure that some of Sirius’ and Remus’ exploits in London were not of the sort that he would have been invited to join in at all, so perhaps they had enjoyed their rare chance at privacy.

But our story does not start in their Oxford University years, it starts one full year later. 

One year later, and not one of the young boys had properly grown up, despite the increasingly desperate urgings of their parents. 

Peter and Desdemona had been married for a few months, but Desdemona had not yet become with child. This suited Peter just fine; conversations about having children heightened his nerves dramatically, and while he had never had a fainting spell as a result, it had been a near thing on more than one occasion. He glorified in the early years of their youths without children to care for, and would have extended that time by years or even decades, had he any say in the matter. 

Sirius and Remus were continuing on as they always had, though with a degree more discretion than they had at school. Sirius’ parents Walburga and Orion had always been a formidable obstacle to their relationship, but they were rather too preoccupied with more pressing matters to pay any attention at all to Sirius’ personal life at all, namely that Orion’s health was failing, and the prognosis was growing darker by the day. 

Sirius, who had never much liked his father, saw only positives in the idea of his death, namely that his death would leave Sirius in control over the entire estate, and Walburga would no longer have any authority over him at all. James personally supposed that Walburga was thinking along much the same lines; it was highly unusual for her to say so little to Sirius in harsh tones, but it seemed likely that she, too, was aware of who would hold the power upon the death of Orion Black. 

Remus, who oftentimes seemed more serious than Sirius in conversations of future wives and children, had made no attempts at all to get to know any of the young ladies of the ton in the year since he’d left school. He seemed quite content to simply avoid the subject entirely, unless Sirius or James brought it up first. James wondered if he simply wished to stay attached with Sirius and no one else for the rest of his days. If that was his wish, James would pity him. It simply couldn’t be borne, however much the parties involved might prefer it. 

It would be a cold day in hell before Walburga and Orion Black would allow the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black to fall to a distant cousin and out of their direct lineage. And while James knew that Sirius’ first cousins were all heavily favored by his mother, they were all sisters, with no brother among them to carry on the family name. James had heard Sirius mention a brother once or twice, but so rarely James usually forgot that such a brother existed. 

For his part, James was the lone member of their group of friends who was actively wishing to find a wife. Peter was already married and Remus and Sirius were not yet scouting for wives, but James could think of little else most days. 

He’d always wanted to fall in love, and the glimpses of it that he’d had over the years had struck him as the only thing worth wanting. His parents loved each other so deeply you could see it from down the street. Peter and Desdemona loved each other in their own way, where they met each other’s needs so perfectly. James wouldn’t have admitted it to them, but he even saw the deep love that Remus and Sirius had for each other and found himself jealous of that. Whatever they said about being casual, the love was constantly electrifying the air around them. 

James wanted that. He craved it so bad he could hardly think over it.

The season was set to start in the following days, so James made his way to London - where his family had a house that usually sat empty - and prepared to make himself known for the season. 

He wouldn’t jump at the first chance to get married, but he would dive into the festivities with open arms in the hopes of finding someone to love. 

There had been rumors already, so James knew where to start. There was already speculation as to whom the most beautiful belle of the season would be. James, as the handsomest of gentlemen, imagined that it would only be right if he spoke first with her.

So he’d learned her name immediately, with every intention of finding her tomorrow at the first ball of the season, held by none other than Walburga and Orion Black. 

She would be there, and he would find her, the mysterious beauty he planned to fall in love with: Lily Evans.

[coffeencream]

REVIEW: Babel by RF Kuang

A quick disclaimer before we start- this book impacted me very heavily, and because of those strong emotions I think I have to include some spoilers in this review to process what I felt in the book’s heaviest moments. You’ve been warned!

Robin Swift was taken from his homeland to become a scholar. Thanks to his powerful and mysterious guardian Richard Lovell, an 18 year old Robin becomes one of four new undergraduate students at the Royal Translation Institute, aka Babel. He meets his cohort- dazzling Ramiz Mirza, fierce Victoire Desgraves, and posh Letty Price. From there, an unbelievable, years-spanning epic of magic, academia, love and betrayal.

I’ll start by saying that I absolutely loved the magic system in Babel, because it’s so simple- words are power, just like they are in the real world. I think this works beautifully to illustrate Kuang’s main arguments about colonialism in the book, because it literalizes the way that empire depends heavily on those they exploit, even while proclaiming their colonies less than. I really appreciated the care that was taken to explore multiple schools of thought regarding the best way to fight oppression. None were explicitly “wrong” because both theories- Victoire and Anthony’s nonviolence and Griffin and Robin’s violence- were more than justified in the context of the book. Obviously, this mirrors real life. As someone who talks politics in leftist circles, I hear both ideas come up. Do we disobey quietly, lobby our politicians, and wait for slow incremental change? Or do we fight, scream, burn, demand to be seen as human? There’s no right answer, but I think the fictional environment of Babel is a good outlet to explore these questions, and Kaung does it expertly.

Ok, now that my academic, poli-sci major baggage has been laid out, I’m gonna get a bit sappy. This book WRECKED me. I cried. So. Much. In the style of a Shakespearean tragedy, just about every single character that you fall in love with through the first three hundred pages of this book will be taken away from you. (Spoiler time!) I want to write about Ramy’s death specifically. Just as Robin and Letty fall in love with him at the first hello, so did I. Ramy was a character that simply shone so brightly that it reached far off the page. Kind, passionate, brilliant. OF COURSE two of the three people around him were madly in love. Letty’s betrayal (especially Shakespearean) and her goddamn revolver took Ramy from us, and in the midst of my reading I felt like the world was ending. Even worse, the most emotional moments come dozens of pages later. Robin and Ramy clearly loved each other. It was perhaps unrealistic to believe that they could have a happily ever after in 1840, but I thought at least they would get to be honest with each other about how they felt. Instead, Robin is left alone to grieve, to wonder how Letty, who “loved him almost as Robin loved him”, could take away the person who defined his world. Kuang invokes Ramy’s name almost like prayer. Robin turns to it in his time of most need. It hurts, like, reaaaallly hurts. I’ll think of them every time i see a sunset now.

Last thoughts. This book is nothing if not a five star read. It’s somehow a love story, a dark academia fantasy, a Newsies-style tale of the underdog, and more. It’s a found family that could never last. I can safely say that it’s one of the best things I’ve ever read, despite how much pain it caused me. There’s so much more I could’ve said, but I’ll leave it here.

READ THIS BOOK!!

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: ISFP, asexual, beginning a 5-year PhD in a a conservative state. I’ve noticed grad students in the program like to bond over dating/guys (the cohort is mostly women in their 20s). Although my love life is technically none of their business, at every place I’ve worked, people have asked if I’m seeing anyone, what my taste is guys is, etc. I usually “play along” with assumptions that I’m straight and give the sort of answers people seemed to be looking for. But 5 years seems like a long time to fake such a fundamental part of myself. I think I’ll end up having to go against the grain one way or another.

Many people don’t know about asexuality, so not only would I risk people’s prejudice, at minimum I’d probably have to play “educator” about my identity. I’m trying to decide whether to a) clearly communicate that I won’t discuss my dating life with my cohort and then keep enforcing that boundary (which will be hard because I do want to bond with people in the program), b) just say I’m not interested in dating or that I’m “not inclined that way” (although in my experience, that doesn’t deter people from further prying), or c) be honest and open about my identity if anyone asks (but then have to “explain myself” to people)

-----------------------

It is unfair, tough, and taxing to feel as though you have to hide or suppress such an important aspect of yourself. I do find that it helps to think of it as just one aspect of oneself rather than one's entire identity. The fact of the matter is that people don't know every aspect of each other unless they are in a very close and intimate relationship.

The kind of conversations you're referring to are classified as "small talk". People use small talk as a way to subtly feel out if a deeper relationship is possible, which means it doesn't have to be any more serious than discussing the weather. You get to control exactly how near or far you want to be from people by choosing to respond or not respond to their small talk seriously. Perhaps you're taking it more seriously than is necessary because it's a sensitive topic for you?

Option 1: Limit the truth because it's none of their business. If other people want to assume, then it's their problem, not yours. Speaking from my own experience, unless the person is an outright bigot, I often find it extremely funny rather than offensive when they reveal how ignorant they are through their assumptions about me. Once again, you can choose the degree to which you take such things seriously, which is easier to do when you feel secure in your identity.

I don't think you need to be a hard-ass about it, as you won't make many friends that way. Setting a hard and solid boundary out of the blue or without provocation often leads people to think something's "wrong" with you, which isn't ideal.

I think the issue here is what you call "being fake" or "playing along". I don't really see it that way. I think it's quite possible to be private without being inauthentic. When you're a good communicator, it isn't necessary to lie. There are a million ways to say something without saying it directly. Perhaps your thinking on the matter is too black-and-white if you're framing it as "honesty" vs "lying". Socializing successfully requires more nuance than that.

Yes, you could say it's private business, in a friendly way. There's nothing morally wrong with being a shy or private person, is there? Or you could say... Relationships aren't your priority right now... It's not something you care much about... You haven't met anyone you feel that way about... You haven't really thought about it... You care much more about <fill in the blank>...

None of those statements are lies and they are honest enough that a savvy person might even grasp the subtext. For the less savvy, yes, they might ask further questions, but they'll eventually stop once it becomes obvious that you have little to contribute on the matter. And if someone does press too hard, take it as a helpful sign that they should be avoided.

Although, you shouldn't assume that people are "prying" just for asking questions. It might appear to be prying when you're standing in the perspective of having a secret to keep, but, to them, it's merely curiosity. Curiosity is necessary for furthering relationships, otherwise, how would we get to know each other? Maybe you can learn to take people's curiosity in stride? For example, sometimes a bit of humor works better than a hard boundary.

Option 2: Be open because it shouldn't be a big deal. Do you derive pleasure from challenging people's ignorance and prejudice? There is something to be said for standing up, being visible, getting counted, and providing representation as a minority. You could help advance people's awareness and acceptance. However, if you don't want to be a crusader, what's your reason for being open?

You say you're ISFP, so you presumably think it's important to be yourself and freely express who you are? I agree that this is an important value to hold and uphold. Unfortunately, freedom of expression doesn't mean you are free from consequences. Being a person of integrity isn't always easy since upholding your values can bring undesirable consequences. The logical consequence of expressing yourself freely is that your business becomes other people's business if they take an interest in what you're expressing. The question is: Is this a price you're willing to pay, or is it a price you believe is worth paying?

Option 3: Be selective. There is a third option, which is to only come out to the individuals you trust. Perhaps this middle ground would be more comfortable for you? You won't have to "educate" and "explain" to everyone and face public scrutiny. You'll get to express who you are in a way that's satisfying enough. Of course, the tough part is exercising good judgment about who to trust. It's important to remember that there are good/accepting and bad/prejudiced people everywhere, regardless of whether the place is conservative or liberal leaning.

It is entirely your prerogative as to what aspects of yourself to reveal to others. This is why it's not my place to tell you whether to reveal or not. I can only tell you to weigh the options thoroughly and make the decision that you can best live with.

[whentherewerebicycles]

I can’t stop thinking about that class I visited a couple days ago and about the basic classroom management issues that the prof leading the class seemed wholly unable to address. the class is a cohort program that has met together for three quarters and in the intro game they played it was clear that they have a moderately positive rapport with each other (they don’t seem super close but they got along and were willing to get into the game). but the second we went back to the tables it was like… the girls all sat together in the front of the room and were super focused/engaged in the activity, and then the boys (plus one girl) clustered in the back of the classroom, immediately got out their laptops even though I asked them to keep them shut, and started just talking through the entire presentation. like at one point I was standing right next to their desks, clearly listening in, and they just ignored me completely and kept loudly discussing a project they were working on for some other class during our class time lol. and the whole time the prof just sat in the back, clearly seeing this happen but seemingly totally unable or unwilling to intervene, which of course just signals to kids that they can do whatever because no one cares.

I’m not like mad about it or anything, more like I’m fascinated by it as a teaching challenge!! I think if this were my program, I would:

use a learning communities model where I put them in mixed-gender learning groups from the outset and keep those groups stable for 3-4 weeks before switching to new groups

build lots of small rapport-building exercises into group activities… like just little things where they’re actively naming and praising each other’s contributions, or exercises that teach them how to actively take responsibility for their fellow group members’ participation (inviting each other in, asking follow-up questions, deliberately connecting back new ideas to something someone brought up in the previous discussion, etc etc). like really commit the time to helping them build relationships with each other! and put the boys in situations where they feel less peer pressure to disengage to look cool and can instead participate fully because their participation is expected and recognized/valued by their group members.

no tech in the classroom period

more meta work where the groups are reflecting aloud on like, what makes class fun and engaging for me? what makes the time fly? what makes it seriously drag? and then developing like… not codes of conduct exactly but more like collective group norms for how they want to be and act

the prof kept downplaying the amount of work required for the homework and emphasizing how easy/low-stakes it was going to be to complete I was like ooh man that is BAD signaling. it presumably means that kids often don’t do the work and you’re trying to talk them into it by lowering standards or emphasizing how easy it is. but all kids hear is, this assignment is totally pointless, my prof doesn’t care about it, why on earth would I invest my limited time and energy in something that’s basically just busy work. you gotta have real, substantive assignments kids have to work reasonably hard to complete (and that they’ll find reasonably rewarding to complete bc the assignment is well-constructed and they can feel they’re doing something worthwhile!). and you have to be CONSISTENTLY clear and direct about why the assignment matters to their learning in the class and to you.

perhaps MOST importantly though… I don’t think this program involves 1:1 mentoring with the prof outside of the class. like they meet with the prof maybe once a quarter outside of class. it’s just not enough time to build relationships!!!! I’ve visited this class twice now and both times the prof sat apart from the students and didn’t really interact with them much. and I feel like her not intervening with the behavioral issues was probably because she’s tried/failed in the past or because she’s afraid she would fail and lose face in front of them and the guest instructor. I just feel like kids will generally (not always! but generally!) give you back the amount of respect and emotional investment you offer to them. and if you don’t really bother to spend the time getting to know them and their personalities you can’t really expect to have any influence over them in classroom management type situations. like when I sat down with the off-task group it was obvious within five minutes who was the popular charismatic kid who maybe felt like the activity was a little too easy for him, who was the kid who seemed to feel a little out of his depth and was acting out/goofing off to cover that up, who was the kid who kinda wanted to be on task but was trying to fit in by following his peers, who was the loner kid who had just attached to this group because he didn’t want to sit with the all-girl table, etc etc. and maybe my assessments were wrong but if I were their teacher I would use that initial info to guide relationship-building and to try to build trust with the kid! like maybe the kid who felt out of his depth needed some 1:1 time with an adult who affirmed his ideas and drew them out a little further so he could make more connections, and eventually as you built trust you could start working with him on some of the underlying feelings causing him to disengage in group settings, and then when you were facilitating in group settings you could make sure to name his good contributions or ask questions that set him up to look thoughtful/smart in front of his peers. or with the charismatic popular kid I feel like you can do SO much with those kids over time to get them to really feel like leaders in the class and to feel a sense of positive responsibility towards the kids who are having a harder time getting engaged. plus if a kid feels like the work is too easy you can really work with them to find ways to make it more challenging and rewarding, which in turn makes them feel like you respect their intelligence/abilities and really care about them getting something meaningful out of the class. instead of it becoming a popularity contest of teacher vs. visibly disengaged popular kid/ringleader you can work to make it more of a team thing, like we’re working together to make this experience a good one for everyone and I trust you to be a partner in that because you have influence over the group and others look to you as a model. idk but you just can’t do any of that work if you are afraid of the kids or are telegraphing to them that you don’t feel up to the challenge of dealing with them or if you just seem checked out!!!!! and this is not to blame the teacher I have no idea what’s going on in this situation or in her own life, but also just like I think often teachers become overwhelmed and think the class or some group of students have turned against them and can’t be brought back, or they feel like they have to ‘manage’ the class but aren’t confident they can do so and so withdraw from the task and try to ignore disruptive behavior, but like… it’s almost never a lost cause!!! but you have to do the relationship building work and you have to be there among the students talking and laughing with them and cajoling when necessary and pressing a little to get more out of them and communicating to them that you are invested instead of doing the isolated sage-on-the-stage thing or hiding out in the back of the room on your laptop. idk!!!

[onewomancitadel]

I made a joke about not getting a good mark on Tumblr, which is a normal thing to want, and then I realised that my last mental breakdown had been driven by trying to get 90s in Greek and my thesis (90 is an extreme mark where I am from, if that's any help; nobody gets it, generally few are alotted in the cohort for humanities, for theses I was told at the beginning only one student had achieved it in recent years) and everybody thought I was crazy because why would you even care, and also do you think other people are stupid (I don't, I think I'm stupid). That was bad because I still haven't really recovered from that period of time and my memory the past couple of years has been pretty dim. Whoopsie

[meikuree]

daffodil, ivy, nutmeg!

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

I'm the cooler sister... jk. the common line in my family is that I'm my dad but a girl, and my sister is my mum but whip-smart -- so she's ambitious, entrepreneurial, and social where I'm mellow, dependable, studious, and 性格开朗/温柔, based on what my mother says when she's feeling complimentary though I'm 90% sure that's another one of those family fictions parents spin up to propel and encourage their children. then the obvious point: I'm gay and my sister afaik has never identitifed as anything other than straight? !! also fairly sure she prefers m/m whereas I read/write almost entirely f/f, which is a handy division to make sure I never run into any secret fanfic she's written in the wild.

similarities: we're clumsy, bad with directions, and have close enough fashion tastes that I can borrow old clothes and makeup off her sometimes rofl. and my sister used to work as a model, which has probably bled into me being an occasional tryhard with dressing and presentation myself, #genderisaperformance.

the more fundamental bit I suppose is that we had a gifted child/black sheep dynamic as children that structured our identities -- I was considered the, uh, intellectually inferior child by teachers and adults around because my sister was accepted into a very selective and tbh eugenicist government programme for the best 1% of students in each cohort. we've bucked this trend now because by some metrics I've outperformed her academically, but neither of us care much about that and it's a relief really, as I think she'd also agree, to be defined by more worthwhile things as adults.

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

ok, good question, I AM NOT SURE myself beyond the typical things like being visibly grumpy, not being as talkative, or becoming easily distracted and listless while tired. when I'm stressed/upset I need back rubs, to hold onto a pillow and start drinking lots of tea and forgoing meals

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

not really :( renting atm which limits our decorating freedom, but I used to display some of my art on my walls including life drawing sketches and I have a bunch of art prints and cat illustrations displayed. I have internalised nerdphobia to borrow a good friend's phrase so I haven't made the leap to displaying merch or fannish trinkets

thank you for the questions!

(get to know me ask game)

[zackprincebooks]

WIP Questionnaire!

Tagged by @fortunatetragedy, thank you!

I chose Cohort of Gold:

What’s the first part of your WIP that you created?

It has to be the premise: I was inspired by Space Pirate Captain Harlock and the movie Redline, so I wanted to do something in space, with pirates. Once I had my setting, I started building characters. This is backwards to my usual process; I love building characters and figuring out what Situations to put them in.

If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

Either Quest Into the Sky by Terra Atlantica or Faster than Light by Unleash the Archers.

What are your favorite characters that you made? Why?

As much as I love Zesh--and I do; he's the swashbuckling hero that everyone dreams of--Sasha is the one that I connect to the most. They're a doctoral student, shackled by debt, in a society that's on the verge of war thanks to parameters outside of their control. Sasha makes no decisions that are their own until they're aboard the Sunray and in the care of its crew.

What other pieces of media do you think your fanbase would share?

Code Geass, Space Pirate Captain Harlock, and other space/sci-fi/mech anime.

What has been your biggest struggle with your WIP?

The politics. Good lord, the politics. As much as Cohort is a star-crossed love story between Sasha and Zesh, it's also a political drama that puts them squarely in the middle of it. Trying to maneuver around the politics while keeping their relationship grounded has been my biggest issue.

Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

Not yet!

How do your characters travel/get around?

There are various spacecrafts: some of them are large, like the Sunray (which has a crew of 38), and some of them are built for a single occupant.

What part of your WIP are you working on right now?

I am not, lmao. I want to get Godhunt done before I even start on Cohort. Right now I am just percolating.

What aspects (tropes, maybe?) will you think draw your audience in?

SPACE PIRATES!

The tagline: "Dream of me as often as you may."

The crushing weight of academia.

Running away from your problems.

What are your hopes for your WIP?

Honestly, I don't know. Part of that is because I'm just rattling it around in my brain to start, but also because I don't have a lot of expectations for my work. I guess I'd like to finish it and have it published somewhere.

tag!

I don't know who has answered this questionnaire, so if you want to or haven't done this yet, then do it! And don't forget to tag me in it!

[talenlee]

50 Questions For Your Game

As I write this, I’ve been marking students in a class where they have to make games. Marking those games often involves asking students questions about their designs. It can be a frustrating process, too, because so often students hear a question and their reaction to the question is ‘how do I get out of this interaction with a teacher.’ Obviously, this doesn’t lead to a lot of good answers, and instead leads to dead silence while someone paying me to ask them these questions tries to avoid eye contact. It’s a lot of fun.

I didn’t want to present these questions anywhere while the class was going, but I thought that maybe they’d have some use here, for you to browse through and to get you started thinking – and talking – about your own games. Importantly, the point of any given question is to have an answer, and even ‘I don’t know’ is an answer. ‘That question doesn’t apply here’ is an answer. ‘I don’t care’ is an answer. Those are answers that at least show that you’ve made a choice, that you’re able to consider the question and reject it.

When you can’t answer these questions, that’s not a sign your game has a problem or even needs to change. It’s meant to make sure you have thought about what you’ve got, and that you’re able to elevate your answers – your choices about the game – into being things that you’ve thought about and can explain.

Here’s fifty questions I’ve asked students and my cohort about the games they’re working on, that hopefully, you can answer.

What’s your game’s name?

Are you happy with that name?

Can you tell me the reason you chose that name?

If you can’t tell me, what does that tell you about the name of your game?

Can you say your game’s name aloud without it risking being mistaken for some other game or common phrase?

What’s simplest explanation you can give me for why I would want to play your game?

In your game, I am going to be some kind of an agent, I assume; an entity that is capable of taking action or prioritising and enabling the actions of something in the fiction of the game. What is that agent?

Is that kind of agent normal and expected or unique and separated? Am I meant to be doing something typical in this world, or is the kind of thing I do a once-in-a-lifetime kind of story event?

Do I get to choose or customise the agent that I’m playing?

Am I expected to treat the agent I’m playing as a mechanical choice, or are they something I am creating to express something of myself?

What’s the core game loop of your game? What am I expected to do, in a repeating cycle, that the game mixes up with different elements?

Do you know what a core game loop is?

Can you nonjudgmentally explain why you want the core game loop to go the way it does?

If you had to drop one of the major elements in your game, be it a mechanic or a character or a setting detail, what would have to change because of that?

If nothing changes, then what is that element doing?

If it’s an immense change, what can you offer people who dislike that major element?

Am I the only player in the game?

Am I the only player in the game that matters?

If I’m not the only player in the game that matters, how much attention should I be paying to other players?

If it’s a turn based game with multiple players, is there any reason I should care about what other people are doing on their turns?

Does that require me to care how I play my turn, to care about their turn?

If it’s turn based, what’s the line of continuity there? Are there things in my turn that matter to my next turn and can I rely on them being available when I get to my next turn?

If it’s not turn based, how much do I need to be careful of other players’ position and behaviour in real time? Can I avoid them?

What is present to keep things available for player memory?

Do you use indicators on objects to indicate their status, or do you use an indicator on some related space? Does a player look at the gun to see how much ammunition it has, or do they look at the ammo display for all their guns?

Is there information you’re deliberately concealing from players?

What kinds of things in your game are you making random?

How are you making them random?

Does the randomness have memory? Is it like cards where you can only get a particular result so many times before it leaves the deck entirely, or is it like a dice where every new instance of randomness is generated on demand?

Why are you doing that randomnly?

What’s the thing you’re concerned players won’t notice when they pick up your game?

If you store your game in a box, what’s the thing you want on top of the box so people see it first when they open it?

If you store your game digitally, what’s the first thing they see and what does it get them interested in?

Does your game use music?

Did you assume your game can’t use music?

If you assumed your game can’t use music, why not?

Can the music be optional?

What does your game do if a player only has one hand?

What does your game do if a player is hard of hearing?

What does your game do if a player has difficulty with precise movements?

What kinds of characters do you have in your game?

Why aren’t any of them black?

Why aren’t any of them women?

Why aren’t any of them fat?

How much time have you put into your game?

Do you consider that time when you talk about pricing it?

What’s the thing in your game you’re happiest about?

What’s the thing in your game you wish you could change?

Can I cheat?

And really, the question I ask, every time I see something I don’t understand in a game, and want to know from the designer, why are you doing this, this way? Do you have an answer?

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[eliteprepsat]

What is grit? I’ll get to that later. First, a preface:

Since November 2017, I have read applications for an honors program at a prestigious American university. This is my first time serving on any kind of admissions committee.

It’s worth noting that I am not a general admissions officer. Unlike those in general admissions, I am not combing through thousands of applicants, filtering students for standardized test scores and GPAs. Instead, I’m working my way through about 200 applications for a very small cohort of students. My focus is not on the hard numbers (others are taking care of that) but on substance: a student’s extracurricular involvement, signs of maturity and leadership, writing ability, creativity, and fit.

I’m still learning what makes a strong applicant, what exactly makes one applicant stand out while others don’t. But in my brief admissions experience, I can attest to the value of “grit,” a term that, for me, is nearly synonymous with narrative.

Most applicants need to tell a convincing story. Allow me to illustrate.

Candidate #1 has taken as many AP classes as possible at his prestigious high school. His parents are a university professor and a mechanical engineer. The candidate plans to double major in mechanical engineering and physics. He has a 1570 SAT score and a 4.0 unweighted GPA, founded a successful technology company, captains his high school soccer team, and is class president. His essays detail success after success, including his contributions to a Fortune 500 boardroom meeting. Everything this candidate touches turns to gold.

Candidate #2 has taken all of the four AP courses offered at her small high school in a rural town. The candidate plans to double major in biology and English with the goal of going to medical school. She has a 1480 SAT score, a 3.8 unweighted GPA, is the president of an organization devoted to teaching young girls how to code, and is involved in several other school organizations. Her essays include stories about her growth since her parents’ divorce and how she dealt with embarrassment following a failed speech she delivered while running for class president.

Both of these are very strong candidates. Of course, there are layers to each of these applications that we don’t have space to get into here, but which of these two candidates do you think I and other admissions readers are more excited about?

Though an Excel spreadsheet might be thrilled by candidate #1, most human readers will feel more compelled by #2. She has excellent grades and extracurricular involvement, though not quite as superb as #1.

Sure, candidate #1 is a star, and he will get into all or most of the universities he applies to. But candidate #2 has a story: she’s a fighter. I’m excited to meet her. I’m excited to see her growth in college, and I’m pulling for her to succeed.

For me, though both are strong writers, the narrative of growth detailed in candidate #2’s essays is far more compelling than the repeated success described by candidate #1.

Don’t get me wrong; candidate #1 is an admissions dream. His numbers are stellar and his writing is strong. But I get no sense from candidate #1 that he’s had to struggle to get to where he is. So, while he is undeniably gifted, his application leaves me wondering: what will happen when this student has to deal with failure? I’m not sure. And I’m not uniquely invested in watching his growth because it seems as if he’s pretty close to the mountaintop already. Without a narrative progression—from failure to success, from ignorance to knowledge—I don’t feel particularly compelled by this candidate’s story.

Candidate #2 tells me exactly what will happen when faced with failure. She’ll feel defeated momentarily, but she’ll get back up in a day or two and fight. In other words, she has that ill-defined quality that admissions officers love: grit.

Grit isn’t simply a matter of facing adversity. According to University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth, author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, grit means, among other things, persistence.

“Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals,” Duckworth explains in her 2013 TED talk. “Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years, and working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.”

According to Duckworth’s psychological studies, grit is a more reliable predictor of future success than SAT scores, IQ scores, or academic pedigree. In fact, grit, according to Duckworth, “is usually unrelated or even inversely related to measures of talent.” In other words, talent has much less to do with success than perseverance and passion do.

This explains why candidate #2 is, to me, much more compelling than candidate #1. Candidate #1 portrays himself as naturally gifted, a prodigy. But I’m more convinced that candidate #2 will thrive in the face of challenges she will face in her academic and professional life.

My point in introducing these two candidates is to illustrate that a “gritty” narrative can go a very long way in getting colleges excited about your potential. If you have a 4.0 unweighted GPA, a 1570 SAT score, a stellar record of extracurricular activities and AP classes, then you don’t need all that much help getting into your university of choice. But if, like most applicants, you have some relative weaknesses in your application, then you need to focus on establishing the “grit” necessary—and a narrative to match—to make you a competitive applicant.

So, how can you be gritty? Find something you’re passionate about. Pursue that passion with as much energy as you can muster. Face difficulties with as much perseverance as you can. While you might face failure in the short term, colleges are confident that grittiness, more than apparent genius, will pay off in the long run.

Whether you fail, succeed, or are midway through your journey, be sure to relay those stories—rather than static portrayals of unending success—in your college applications. It just might be what gets you into college.