#these two drive me to drink
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awestruck
#limbus company#lcb ishmael#lcb ahab#i have drawn something#this was born of spite because i kept listening about how I don't bother enough with colors#ok ok here#these two drive me to drink
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#selfie bee#good evening friends!! how are you doing! C:#I'm very very sleepy I got a new ikea office chair and I build it all myself#I think it went okay! I don't think I pulled the back screw tight enough and now the back is a bit loose#I can probably fix it but I can also ignore it for the next 18 years#thats how long the old chair held up!! in germany it could now drink vodka and drive a car!!#not at the same time that is illegal! not at the same time!! (❁´▽`❁)*✲゚*#but the day is not over yet my uncle asked me for a big art quest and I do not want to disappoint#he wants a muppet tattoo and asked me to draw it#my uncle has started to get tattoos a few months ago#as far as I know he has now gotten 3 note clefs 3 stars a flower and multiple birds#he also started getting piercings but so far I managed not to know exactly where#I think tattoos are super cool (´。・v・。`) I wish I had a good idea for a tattoo but the last time I was very sure about getting a tattoo#it was heath ledgers face as the joker#at that point I was 12 and would not see the actual movie for two more years#a muppet tattoo is a way better idea!! he asked for the count van count! that is also one of my top 3 muppets ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡#I always thought I knew a lot about muppet lore but since I started looking up muppet pictures I think there are still a lot of secrets#can the muppets from the Sesame Street actually leave the Sesame Street?#I think Kermit is both on the Muppet Show and on Sesame Street but he is also like the boss muppet#he might have special abilities#I hope you're having a good day friends!! C:#I think I'll post a Sherlock comic later this week#miss you!! ♥♥♥
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#polls#yes these are all true#in order:#I hold my pen between my middle and ring finger#and yes it has caused both fingers to curve in weirdly#I had scarlet fever when I was 23#benedict arnold's wife? peggy shippen#so yeah#(I'm descended directly from her sister sarah#hence related to benedict by marriage but his children by blood)#two cross country road trips#two coastal road trips#several 12-14 hour drives#I have a typewriter now! and send my friends letters!#when I was 16-20ish#I used my older sister's old learner's permit to get into 18+ or 21+ concert venues in the city#I only used it to drink at one of those shows ONCE#mostly I just wanted to see music#the last CD I burned for someone was in 2019 don't look at me#I ran into a family from my very small hometown several thousand miles away#small world and all that#lauren says things
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✨💞Elation💞✨
I’m still not over this episode. 😫❤️
#seriously these two are driving me crazy#if I had been drinking something I would’ve done a spit take#how could they do this to us#and then the way they just moved on like it didn’t happen???#wow#wow wow wow#they’re too adorable#these two will probably kill me#marichat#miraculous ladybug#miraculous fanart#mlbs5#miraculous ladybug season 5#mlbs5 elation#miraculous elation#elation#marinette dupain cheng#adrien agreste#chat noir#mlb love square#my art#ml spoilers
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Imagine Marius goes down in battle. Imagine Lethica, unable to control her fear as something tugs at the emptiness in her mind. Something unsettlingly familiar that she's felt before. Imagine the breaths in between her prayer to Shar to return him to life. Ragged. Pained. Panicked.
Something bright and hot pushes against the cool darkness in her memories. She thinks of the pyre outside of the mines. "By Lathander! By Shar!" She thinks of the vision of Marius in her the burning house while on the roof of the church in Cyril. "No...! No no no! What have I done!? I'm so sorry!" She thinks of the comforting chill of his hands as they danced, her own uncomfortably warm within them. "I'm sorry... for everything; but I've enjoyed every moment with you."
"No no no!" She demands. "Not again!"
I won't lose you too.
I can't erase myself twice.
#and this is how we learn that Lethica is just as insane for Marius as he is about her#get you a baddie who will drink from the river Lethe to forget the pain of losing you#AAAAAGHHHH#I'm tipsy and thinking about angst#they have invaded my BRAIN#gods i want this to happen but i really don't want Marius to die#maybe just like... death lite#ramblings#angst#sir marius renathyr#lethica nightborne#edge of midnight#lethicus#fun fact: i went back to actually find what Marius said during the dance and my heart was pounding so hard i thought i was gonna puke#THESE TWO ARE GIVING ME ACTUAL HEART PALPS LIKE WTF#I literally had to pause multiple times leading up to it because they drive me fully insane jeebus#also unrelated but Rich and Mikey's reactions during the entire thing give me life 🤣
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Playin the game of how many mgs of caffeine am I gonna need to get through my 11 hour shift
#only slept four four hours Tuesday night and I’m still so worn out bc of it#started w a large cold brew !!!#had to grab an energy drink on the way in too bc I’m still so tired#I wasn’t fully focusing when driving#in the sense that TWO people got to cut me off#and that doesn’t happen
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Maybe something with Mousey being jealous of Hunter and Smoker for one reason or another? hehe
Day 7 - There might be a reason for that
Bonus:
#My art#Requestober#RespectAWoman#Hunter#Smoker#Mousey#Always love when my bonuses are just as if not more technically complex than the main lol#I mean I say that but it was more just tedious to move things between EPSAI2 and GIMP lol#Chibi heads bopping around and a bust-up are not as intensive! My poor hand haha ♪#So this is my first time drawing the ladies digitally huh?? Or at least this trio anyhow haha I'll draw the other two someday#Considering Mousey is my favourite of all of them and her dynamic with Charger was one of my driving loves <3#I also realized while drawing this that she (as a survivor) and Max have the same outfit so that's ♥#White button down and khakis are fairly standard I know let me live XO I love them!!!#Went with pre-infected here tho ♪ When Mousey's still focused on Smoker! Hehe yaay#She's so cute <3 Love that wonderful disaster <3 <3 And also the mains as well!!! Lol#They were actually a lot of fun to draw digitally haha ♪ Hair touching - kind of all over touching lol Hunter's just Like That#I did kinda forget about Hunter's camo pants so I leaned on my SAI textures - but I did the shines on her duct tape myself! Pleased :)#I was thinking at first of Hunter offering Smoker a soda but she pushes for Smoker to be healthy huh!#So I was thinking maybe a weird-flavoured sports drink or sugar-free lemonade or something lol#And the usual ribbing lol Mousey do you know what you're wishing for ♫#I had a moment while drafting where I was like ''Where was the one of Smoker playing Tetris?? :0''#I 100% completely totally remembered it in full colour - but no that was just my brain filling in the details lol it was a sketched comic!#Whenever I think of RespectAWoman that's just the style I see in my head so my mind's eye took it from there pft#I found it in the end ♥ Had to make reference to it! As it's one of my favourites :D
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okay actually gonna use some of my data to open tumblr and make this post because outsiders apo+owen makes me want to start biting.
the thing about outsiders apo and owen is that at the end of beach episode, owen comments on what a lovely day they've had together and says, "i can't wait to do this all again tomorrow." and there's no way he doesn't know, okay? multiple characters demonstrate over the course of the day that they remember what happened before this -- even if they hope otherwise, they know they're going back to the maze eventually; this day is an impossible and perfect dream. and look how they choose to spend it. apo and owen see the sun setting and hear the cries of the gulls melt into the birdsong of the clearing and the thing they do at the end of this unrepeatable day, knowing they will never have this moment again, is turn to one another and promise they care. they've been running all over the place reminding each other all day: i care about you, you're my best friend, i want to spend time with you, i trust you so much i'll jump down into the mouth of a volcano with you. whatever happens before or after this, it matters that for this one day they sought each other out and played stupid games and shared food. it matters that this was real for them. it matters that at the end of it all, they could not bear to part without saying first: hey, you're important to me. do you get it?
and also, do you ever think about that conversation apo and owen have before the second clearing about what they're going to do next, what they think about the maze, and just before they go off their separate ways, they say, "i trust you," to each other in the same tone most people say "i love you"? do you ever think about how the roots of that trust went so deep in owen that when it was broken, his faith in the entire clearing was broken? no one can be trusted, he said. everyone was working against me, he says. he decides something must be profoundly wrong with this world, because it is a world where apo was able to look him in the eye and lie him. it CAN'T just be about apo because his care for apo was so fundamental to his understanding of the world -- there is no place he can go or word he can say now without remembering him. owen's world is (was) the maze, the clearing, rasbi, apo. and even after all that, owen still says the next time he sees apo, it will be to drag him to the maze's exit. even desperately hurt and swearing to himself that they're done, leaving apo behind for real is unthinkable!! do you get it??
and the prison visit itself: i hope you know you were everything to me, apo. of course i regret it, owen, i lost you. apo made cheesecake. owen says, don't try to make me pity you, and i thought, oh, it's absolutely working, isn't it? you wouldn't be half so upset if you didn't care. if you could escape your care for him, you wouldn't have spent so much time circling the prison, pulled by the gravity of apo, apo, apo. and then the escape, and apo's memory becomes part of owen, hanging over him as a haunting, as much a real presence as the living person. "he's dead" becomes nearly like a chant -- owen wants nothing more than to put those memories to rest (he says) but he also can't stop saying it: he's dead, he's gone, he's been dead for months. as if he needs to remind himself, somehow. apo's gone, apo's gone, apo's gone. but owen can't bring himself to stop saying his name. can anyone hear me. do you understand what i'm saying??
after reunion, i spent a lot of time yelling in a friend's DMs about how owen should have died with apo -- that killing should have killed owen with it, and in some sense maybe it did, but owen walks out of that encounter still breathing and apo is still right there with him. this is the start of something new and apo was there for its birth. how do you silence the voices of the people you kill, he asks magic, because he can never seem to. some of us hesitate at the thought of killing our friends, he says to rasbi. i'll give you ten seconds, he says to apo, and maybe that's just a hunter playing with his food but maybe, for all that owen hardly seems to recognize his friend during reunion, something was still sticking in him. confronted with impulses he did not have the context to understand, owen thought his purpose was to protect everyone. and then his memories come back and it doesn't matter that it's apo in front of him because that's a demon, but maybe it does matter. maybe no matter how hard owen tried to forget it, it never stopped mattering. i don't know!!! do you get me!! do you get what i'm saying!!!!!!!
#sparrowsong#and like. i don't know how much mental space owen takes up in apo's pov but it also kind of makes me claw at the walls#that apo's literal presence and stated feelings don't really affect how deeply haunted owen is by him#it ultumately barely even matters when apo does actually die -- thinking about that post about cc!owen confirming c!owen couldn't drink#the clearing water because apo's body contaminated it; thinking about the tag essay about how apo's response to owen's threats drive his#desire to twist the story on the deaths of all the other demons against them#apo dies right outside the clearing gates. in some ways owen does too.#outsiders smp#and there's a whole other tangent to be had about how these two both HAVE other important relationships#but cc!owen does in fact lean hard on how important c!apo is to c!owen. there's something here about narrativizing i think.#what makes a good story. i wonder if the people at starr thought about these same sorts of things.
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Finally got my one shower for the week in town and immediately nullified it when I realized I actually had time to go explore the creek by the road up the mountain.
I have acquired the curse of minor creek grime for another week. However! I did find a giant signal crawdad and a bunch of different mayfly larva, so it evens out.
#I only get one shower (sometimes two) because I don’t have access to running water at my cabin so I have to drive an hour into town#to shower at crew quarters#just as an explanation#being knee deep in a creek Can fix me#also found salamander eggs in my main source drinking water#which was cool but also#I drink that#travel logs#tales from the lookout
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Me: I'm feeling okay, physical activity will be good for me
*one lame ass yoga attempt later*
My lungs: oh hey! You have a nasty cough now!
My hip: also you're actually 84 years old and I'm going to hurt for a while
#and it was just. yoga. and i didnt even keep up with most of it.#but tbh the guy in the video was doing handstands and i was like. yeah. nope.#when will things that are supposed to fix me stop hurting me lol#so far ive had bad experience with walking and now with exercise#oh. eating has also been bad sometimes! and sleeping sometimes leave me sick#so i guess i have to drink 8l of vodka and smoke a pack of cigarettes all while driving a motorcycle going 200km/h.#ALL WHILE having unprotected sex on it with a complete stranger#i obviously will never do the things mentioned in above two tags and thats why i am a boring loser maybe#either way to boring losers like me! we're valid
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the problem with playing D&D is you have ships 'n' blorbos that only 4 other people know about
#still thinkin' about that motherfucker Cormac from the Thieves Guild#and how he lives rent free in Ariadne's brain#and therefore my brain#and how i have to deal with the fact that she wouldn't think about#that as much as she's plagued with conflicting feelings about this motherfucker#i honestly don't think that there's much reason that she would've made as much of an impact on him as he has on her#and it's driving me insane#like he got under her skin instantly because the first time they met she had just used her inspiration point only to roll two nat 1s#trying to get a crowd to disperse before things got rough#and this motherfucker sweeps in and does what she couldn't while also kind of shitting on the temple#which she couldn't even really argue because he wasn't really wrong but also this is the thing that makes up her identity#and she was fuckin' pissed#i mean we did also get sent to make a deal with him to keep the city chill while rise of the zombies was dealt with in the high district#so she#the temple's Brand Newest Paladin in full fuckin' armor gets sent into the den of the Thieves Guild#to talk with the guy who's been pretty openly (and frankly fairly) dunking on said temple#and we come out of it having to do a favor for him to get his help#and as much as she'd love to cover it with 'well we're really doing it because the prince wants us to and it's for the good of the city'#the fact that at the end of the day they were doing something on this motherfucker's orders was such a bur under her saddle#i think he got the party drinks while we were talking with him but ariadne didn't touch hers#because A) she's pretty sure someone would've spit in it and B) fuck u cormac fuck ur hospitality and fuck u#ANYWAY#all this happened over a year ago irl (not sure how long in-game) and YET#there's also the problem that our sessions have been shorter and more sporadic#which gives me more time between sessions to obsess over stupid shit#like a NPC who we haven't seen in a fuckin' year
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I mean it when I say 15> years for killing someone because if drinking and driving is not nearly enough
#watching rotten mangos recent and I remember when the body cam came out and i was so annoyed that since she was young and probably no record#she would get off easy for killing TWO PEOPLE#luckily I think she got like 12-15 years which is high for drunk driving killing but that fact annoys me#especially in this day and age#there is no excuse to drink and drive#now with Uber#you can schedule it you can give keys to a friend.#I hate it#rae’s rambles
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If you can not forgive you are destined to never heal.
Like, sorry, you can not be mad at someone for making a mistake and then be angry about it for 3 years and be like "why am i not over this".
#friend of a friend died two years ago driving under the influence of some injection. ran a red in the dark and wraped her car around a pole#friend came to me last night while i was mid break down and explained his breakdown.#he apparently introduced her to the drug and she got more on her own#got addicted and was sent to rehab. my friend self admitted to keep her alive.#they worked together on steps to get off hard drugs.#one of the rules is that you can never ever drive if you happen to be on them. not even like one puff of weed or half a Mike's hard.#she got more of the drug when she got home after about a month. some jackass who lived across the street.#needle was dirty and it felt itchy. told my friend about it. he said that she should go to the hospital.#so she got in her car and drove it. without her lights on#friend said she broke a rule and did it on purpose (she didn't. she was just high and panicked.)#said he'd never forgive her for taking his best friend away in such a betrayal. led my friend back to drugs.#said that every year her memory still forces him into agony and he feels he needs something stronger to dull the pain of his heartbreak.#i told him to take double his usual dose of melatonin and a drink of whiskey. came back to me this morning and said that i was right.#he still said he'd never forgive her though. told him about something else I'm going through and asked ''is that what you want?#agony every time someone mentioned her name or at the very least once a year?''#he's saying he's pondering on that.#meanwhile work's going on and I'm under 200 mgs of caffeine already and 3 hours of sleep while having 10 more hours to go.#happy thursday
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ik a mention rgg nerfing ttm's features when modelin sawashiro every five minutes but they really had to cause aint no way in hell would a been intimated by this bruv if they didnt
#snap chats#oh im fucked i really put 'a' instead of 'i'. whatever thats how i pronounce it we goin phonetic baby#did ou know i remember abolutely nothing about the ending of drive. i watched it while drinking two soju#DO NOT RECOMMEND by responsible#to totally contradict myself im drinkin nigori i bought . i didnt know alcohol cold frreeze and i accidentally froze it ☠️☠️☠️#iiii ALOMST knocked my cup over ohmy gd#moving on. legality to say soem BULLSHIT noowt ho#anyway n o lsien to me ttm's 38 in this movie and sawashiro's 38 in 2000. probably. i cant do math rn Or Ever point is About Same Age#this IS from drive. great movie. and this is one of his cuter/sillier roles imo so awkward comp but ill still speak#main text got me lying i was out of pocket seeing bro frame 1 anyways but it woulda been a diff vibe this route lsten to me#hes just too cute bro . bye. fymhes an antagonist hes too cte for that <- his filmography prves otherwise#gon try to start an argument with me what you gon do mate kiss me ??? enough.#i like how ttm just has A Vibe to him. Apparently. he always playin awkward mates.... back then anyway..#postman blues did him so dirty bein all 'slender-framed mates are more prone to socipathy' LKE LEAVE HIM ALONNNE#wehhh i wish they mocapped his facial expressions more accuraltey in rgg. and his teeth. his smle still cute to me..#i sound lke my mom when she talks bout lee joongi whenever i talk bout ttm ew lke bye. stop#ok im going bak to playing mincraft now bye#oh my gd when did it become 2AM literally suck my ween
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#Spotify#music for when you’re driving to ace hardware to buy mousetraps so you can kick out that mouse like Nick Cave says#and when you get there you give him your best friend’s phone number bc you unfortunately have it memorized and he goes to ace hardware all#the time for work#and the guy on the register squints at you and confirms the very male name on the screen#and you resist the urge to squeak out an excuse and just confirm#and then you stop by aldi on the way back and buy two tubs of Greek yogurt and two bottles of synergy kombucha#bc even though you brew your own and actually have way more than you could possibly handle rn bc it’s so hot in your house#you are a sucker for limited edition flavors and it will cause you to spend $8 on kombucha#so you buy pomelo lemonade and cherry coconut lemongrass#which is the summer flavor named unity or something#and you usually get one every year#but you still feel ridiculous walking out of aldi with two tubs of yogurt and two bottles of kombucha and nothing else even though no one#you know sees you even though west ********* is crawling with acquaintances#and then you get back in your car and you’re proud of the rare burst of executive function which allowed you to finally put the new battery#in your car keys even though you stole the battery from target like two months ago you just couldn’t figure out how to open the damn thing#and the convenience is novel and you think wow maybe I should injure my ribcage more often if it’s forcing me to take care of all these#tiny tasks like buying mousetraps and replacing your key battery and cooking figs in honey et cetera#and you drive down the hill and see low clouds snagging in the blue ridge mountains and feel alright for a moment#and go to the scratch and dent where you buy butter and a couple 33¢ seltzers and a diet ginger ale as a lil treat#and when you get back home you drop it on the gravel road and the ginger ale begins to leak out so you put your mouth to it even though the#thought of what nonsense is on the outside of the can from the manufacturing and shipping process lingers#and by the time you get to the kitchen and pour it over ice in a mason jar it’s fairly flat from the burst of bubbles when you poured it#awkwardly with one hand#and you drink what remains on the porch where it’s a post-rain subdued sky sort of dusk#and you think about how much it’s gonna hurt to leave and how you have no other option because of how entwined you’ve become with someone#who is the entire city and the entire vast forest and possibly the entire ecological region#and then you’re still hungry so you eat some meal prepped overnight oats that were for tomorrow morning. the end#journal
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casually spiraling and dont think there's anything i can do about it at this point anymore. i wanna just give up and let myself spiral.
#something something alcohol disclaimer#what is it about depression that has a siren call no matter how well you're doing. why would i ever think it's more comfortable and safe...#been in denial for a bit now; thinking that even if i was sad i was at least dealing wtih it better than i would have in years past#that i'm just normal sad - normal ups and downs. that i was in 'control' and wouldn't fall as Low™️ as being more than 'normal sad' again#i know where things changed for me back in feb and i've been trying to 'get back to myself' since then but i keep falling flat#i've been so terrified of going back to who i was before i was doing so well and yet i feel like it's happening#i'd never done so well for so long and thought i was somewhat safe#thought i had more awareness and coping mechanisms to handle inevitable sad times in life#but almost half the year is passed now and everything is one step forward and either one or two steps back#i'm trying so hard all the time. i work hard at myself#and for what? just to get to many more nights like this where i feel like i'm not trying at all and want to let myself rot?#like the garbage i feel like i am?#i'm either spinning my wheels or getting worse. and i feel like thinking that itself is a bad sign and is hould be fighting that thought.#but it's an observation...#sometimes it's so relieving to just give up#my heart hurts and i keep getting teh anxiety tummy of constant butterflies/the sensation of zero g#every minor thing feels like the end of the world#i want to sob and drink and cvt/burn and shop and smoke weed and drive 100 mph and eat an#anyway thanks for coming to my emotional rampage if you've read this far lolz uwu#*throws self into kink for psychologically relevant catharsis & comfort*#personal
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