#theres nothing open. i dont know
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feeling so strongly like i will not ever find a job where i wont be highly uncomfortable in some respect or another
#heart2heart#i wish my brain wasnt so broken i wish HS wasnt my highest schooling but i dont have any way to solve that#i dont have any skills and the sort of thing i want to do might not exist. i want to be in the background. i dont want to speak to customers#i dont want to help with hotel check-in. i dont want to have to pursue other people about their appointments#i wish libraries werent impossible to get into#i wish libraries werent the only place i think i might be happy and i dont even know that for sure#i dont think ill ever be happy in any job#i cant think of anything that would be doable that i would be capable of#or that exists. i would like to try with. like. a CAT boarding facility but i guess those dont fucking exist or no one ever leaves those so#theres nothing open. i dont know
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theres people that build the entire map of botw in fucking minecraft and im sitting here for the 100th time within less than a year crying bc i cant draw a line how i want
#ganondoodles talks#and yet i have more and more in my head#i keep thinking of more and more things i want to draw and show and it keeps piling up#i have always been drawing “at a loss” bc my body is fundamentally unable to keep up with my head#so theres tons of things that just kind of died bc i couldnt get them on paper fast enough#but now it feels even worse#bc i cant get anything out#its not like a clogged drain that drains like half a liter over 5 hours like it used to#its fully clogged but the tap is turned way up so its just getting more and more and nothing gets through#and im tied to a post forced to watch as it rises and spills not able to do anything about it#its so dumb#i know i have enough skill to do the shit i want to do right now#but it just blocked- unavaible- paywalled perhaps but who do i pay and with what#all that is already bad enough but i also have to feel really stupid about it#stairs i have walked up before but now im just standing in front yelling and crying#getting invisible walled by myself but also dont know how to get rid of it or cheat it- which is stupid#shouldnt i know how to get through??????????? yes. yes i should.#maybe i should just not allow myself to even open the browser at all so i can at least stop making these posts#better for everyone probably
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I hate the stretch lines in the front of Curly's uniform because that means the devs rushed to make a model in like a month or so and thought "They gotta at least know he has huge knockers, gotta know he's got back pain." Cause like what is the thematic importance of his tits having overhang?
What responsibility is that representing? Breast reduction? It shows an inherent greed in his character due to the excess and heshouldletmeholdone and that he clearly is blinded cause if he tries to look down his damn ladder all he's seeing is his own cleavage.
#this is my curly slander post ig#disclaimer i need you to understand i see all fictional men i like as like butches Curly is no exception#but like they didnt need to add that many polygons to his chest like its unnessary and honestly a little mean he already has so many things#to handle and you expect him to hold those boys up like that just aint right this is like something so stupid but i know you can tell im#having strong feelings about it cause like what was the point why did they survive the fucking crash it has to be a injoke at this point#with the devs it shouldnt make me this mad im turning into a misandrist but only towards large chested men#mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#shitpost#suggestive#ig because this is just about his chest but like also they made him objectively pretty for no reason like yeah like ideal man and work ig#but they went over the extra mile like i have a right to be mad they did that much for a model we see canonically for like two seconds its#crazy actually how little we see of curly pre crash because we also lose his physical movements to help characterize him the way we see#body language with the other characters and how it gives way to their struggles and personalities and sentiments in certain moments#like all he does and how he emotes is stifled by the fact we always play as him until the last moments where he takes over to try and save#the ship and crew and even right before that the scene is so wrought with tension we cant tell what that look he gave Jimmy meant due to#the limitations of the models and how stiff Curly is like was it fear acceptance denial we dont know enought about how he acts himself#to tell and then everything else is charaterized by what Jimmy had done to where we dont really just get to see Curly as himself like Anya#and Swansea and Daisuke we have no idea how theyd act in a regular moment outside of a few glimpses and even then it is them doing#their jobs like grrrr we hate an unreliable narrator but also its the fact jimmy clearly does not interact with them or try to outside of#his position as copilot and then captain harkening back to the entire capitlist view of utility and how he views all of them as useless eve#Curly which fandom tangent the fandom also tends to do to Curly as they base every trait on what they think he failed to do as Captain#between Jimmy and Anya when the QnAs kinda make him out to be a rather open and willing person but still someone who isnt like a push over#just thinking of QnA three where it mentions hes very open to trying new things and you need to be an open minded person to open urself up#to failure like that and ig this is just the weird view that Curly needs to learn that or that theres redemption he needs personality wise#verses healing and learning from trauma like idk its the idea that people assume he did abosultely nothing when the games points out direct#and throught parallels he was taking actions its just wasnt enough and an over focus on absolute inaction vs ineffective methods used to#tackle the issues and themes the game grapples with plus wanting someone to take the blame and have to make it up to Anya even tho#i think it would mean nothing from Curly because she saw his efforts and would be disappointed it wasnt enough but the idea she would#disregard the attempts or not acknoweldge Jimmy as the epicenter compared ot Curly is weird and too focused on someone
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Someone killed my boss last night and he sent me this I'm so fired
god I can't wait to make this comic.
#not me making a prelaunch link so I can share it on art of them that I do and then immediately being like hm#feels kind of weird to link a comic that doesnt exist yet#HAHAHAHAH#theres just no pleasing me#oh well I'll stick to my guns. I thought about it a long time#and doing things that feel weird is kind of the name of the game when it comes to making art#we were legion#zagan#this is so funny to me#its like not even that funny but#I love him. idk I think because I know what the comic is gonna be like stuff like this is 1 million times funnier to me#he sucks so bad and it would suck to read if he were the only one in the comic but because luciel is also there#then its just funny. cause juxtaposition#I love luciel too but theyre less good for standalone drawings and memes without comic context#so my brains like erm... theres nothing there....#also my tags are bugging out when I type them on the ocmputer idk how to explain whats happening but its kind of annoying#jumping around all over the place. makes it hard to read while I'm typing them. its fine#if theres typos its cause somethings going weird with my computer#lately when I've opened firefox its just shaking all over the place#til I alt tab out of it and back to it. I have straight up no idea why#and my internet has been bugging out. the LAN connection keeps flickering and then going out...??#YES I switched the ethernet cable connecting the modem and the router NO I dont know whats going on#I dont wanna deaaaaaal wiiiithhh customer serviceeee its fine. I'll do it later if switching the coax cable doesnt help#uh. anyways none of that matters cause I can still make my fuckin comics babeyyy#as long as I've got my comics. I'm good. though it is annoying when I cant look up references or spelling of words cause I do that constant#but its fine!#love I can draw without internet I dont even notice when it goes out sometimes aughajkghagj#anyways I'm super excited about this comic and if you're intereted theres a presave link now so#yeay#I'll post places other than webtoon but I'm just doing webtoon early so TTA readers can switch over easier
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@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
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hello people who live in my phone. why did my computer take a dozen screenshots of the Minecraft video settings menu instead of the game while I was walking around taking pictures of the house i built? I'm sad :(
#this is a joke. i dont care to know but i Am sad. i built zephyr and renards house bc i needed to figure out its layout.#i wanted to show people but No my computer thinks the fucking pause menu is more interesting#Like TBF i have modded this bitch. a pretty decent amount. this could very well be my fault#i didn't build an exterior i just did the interior#its the worse looking thing ive ever built#ie an extremely accurate depiction of those white on white on white remodels that have no definition or soul#white carpet white walls white ceiling. grey or tealy blue furniture. You know the vibe#So boring theres nothing to object to when you look at it.#Anyways their house is two stories 3 bedroom 2 bath with a basement sunroom thing a small finished attic.#Lots of places to get separated and hide out from eachother#Open floor plan in the main space though. I didn't make it large enough for the living/dining/and kitchen to be completely separate#still a fucking massive house#for two guys with no family that can vist and no desire to have kids#they dont need that much space
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Are saint's eyes naturally Heterochromic or is that just when Ascension Mode is on
Bold of you to assume there's anything natural about Saint actually..
#ask#anonymous#hes a cursed undead spiritually enlightened old lesbian#theres nothing normal or natural about that creature#anyway saint doesnt open his eyes unless doing the ascension so i actually dont know#hes not blind he sees somehow as a weird echo creature does#cartoon logic also works#i like his cryptid energy...
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#its sad that like. with autism for example masking is somehow kind of a new concept in terms of being widely known or accepted#because i would really really like studies covering masking for other disorders. compensation i guess but theres like nothing#i dont think most people i have ever met would consider me to have low harm avoidance (somehow?)#<- might be incredibly wrong and just biased toward how incredibly fucking inhibited i Feel#its hard for me to tell because i have poor understanding of myself no matter how much i try. esp in wider social context#and its impossible for anyone else to tell because . yeah i cant type lmao#...you can probably recall many memories of doing stupid kid stuff. a poor understanding of consequences mixed with high curiosity#stupid Kid stuff. right?#so much of this is muddled up between what are cluster b traits vs. autism. the ptsd risk factor with both is significant and very relevant#our understanding of mental health is still in its infancy i think#harm avoidance = nuance. ptsd is a confound for both groups and also i'm NOT a good reference lol i can't imagine#low reward dependence = both#low persistence = both (consider how you behave outside of your interests. there is a reason they are referred to as Restricted)#even if they don't feel restricted to you... i was thinking about that the other day because i felt my interests are not restricted#bc i'm very open to trying new things + my interests feel very expansive to me. but an outside perspective would sum them up in few words#doesn't matter how deeply you think about an interest or how many things you connect to it or how many subtopics you create#it's still just one outside of your head! and being open is not the same as having a vested interest. can help mask restrictions tho#novelty seeking = nuance. they mask each other#elopement comes to mind#like when i ran away from school to go to a different playground at recess#i know it was because i didn't care about the rule because i thought no one would catch me and i wanted to satisfy my curiosity#but you could chalk that up to novelty seeking or a poor understanding of why the rules existed or both#and autistic novelty seeking might just present as having lower support needs in whatever areas your interests lay#they mask each other and overlap in that area...#man i was saying the other day literally i just keep shoving dimes into outlets and don't learn#auuuuuuuuuuuuuu#z
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trying to go through the fallout tag to see what people are saying about the show and to reblog my silly little gifs but all i can think of is that tweet thats like "yall would fuck a fence if it was white"
#txt#like if you want to fuck the ghoul thats fine whatever thats not an inherent bad thing dont twist my words#but the fact that 99% of the tag is about the ghoul or shipping him with lucy and theres barely anything about maximus#we all know why this is happening be for fucking real#if maximus wasnt black the fandom would be obsessing over him as their pathetic little meow meow babygirl i know it i just know they would#his character is at the very least just as interesting as the ghoul and yet hes barely talked about i hate you all so much#maximus sweetie you deserve soooooo much better than this . punches a wall#i love him so much and find him soooo interesting i think he is such a great character and then i open tumblr and. next to nothing#disappointing but are we surprised? unfortunately no! how fucking sad is that!!!!!!!!!!#fallout
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they werent lying that knuckles series barely has knuckles in it
#i pirated that shit Btw just so we're clear. also gonna talk about it a little bit in the tags#nothing too spoilery but also might not wanna read if you want to go in knowing absolutely nothing? idk#anyway he WAS a main character still he was present for a decent amount of the first couple episodes#but the amount of screentime he gets just starts dropping after that . hes barely there at all in the second half ???#and it feels like theres a lot of scenes mostly focusing on wade and his problems and not near as many for knuckles and his whole deal#overall it feels more like a wade show with knuckles in it than a knuckles show with wade in it. which sucks#and human characters having plot relevance isnt the problem here i dont mind human characters at all i think they can be really fun#its the fact that the human characters are taking over the story and spotlight when the show is called knuckles#and all the marketing makes it look like knuckles is the main focus#and i also would have preferred if they just went with a differnet character to be knuckles' human friend#because i dont particulraly care about wade. and the knuckles (and sonic and tails) i know would not be friends with cops </3#well at least the story wasnt knuckles training wade to be a better cop like a lot of people were expecting but thats like.the bare minimum#also aside from the issues relating to knuckles' screentime (or lack of screentime) i thought the ending was unsatisfying#regardless of all that though there WERE some parts i enjoyed or found kind of funny or whatever. because knuckles so cutesy as always#knuckles being a cute little guy is the most important part of the show actually#and i liked the parts with sonic tails and maddie even if they were only there for like 5 minutes#(i really wish those three had gotten more screentime. i feel like they could have easily worked in at least one more scene with them)#and its a minor thing but the opening sequence is cute. was honestly expecting just a title card or something#overall the show is just . kind of okay i guess. not the worst thing ive ever seen but still disappointing ? idk how to explain..#my expectations also werent very high in the first place#so maybe im being a bit more generous than i would have been otherwise. idk#and i definitely would not recommend this to anyone who already dislikes the sonic movies . youll probably hate this more#like people who thought the human characters got too much screentime in the second movie would lose their minds if they saw this
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i shouldve played pokemon violet in spanish....
#on top of being good practice i bet it wouldve kept me more engaged....#but if i restart now#what if replaying the same stuff makes me disengaged again but in a different way.....#i have not touched the game in months and im not even halfway thru it argh.#i wont touch it today anyways i have to clean a bunch of shit. but still i find time to agonize over inconsequential things#adddna#also to be clear 'im not engaged' doesnt mean its a bad game. it means im a shit ass gamer#i am. NOTABLY. bad at engaging with games the way that youre supposed to.#its a miracle pkmn sun & legends arceus went as well as they did#but alas. the amount of free choice in violet makes my little pea brain confused#legends arceus was my max capacity for open world story driven games i guess.#'dont you own breath of the wild' i sure do. i havent played it in over a year i think. maybe 2!#and girl you KNOW i am even LESS close to halfway thru that one#'hows spore different' theres not a story im just encouraged to fuck around! its like an art program. to me :)#meanwhile in violet and botw i cant draw on things. i cant make a little guy of my own. &i can barely play dress up#im supposed to be entertained by GAME mechanics???? in the VIDEOS GAME??? and not just creative tools and/or linear narrative???#bull shit . game mechanic of skill is nothing but agony for sydney. the least you could do is give me a good consolation dress up game.
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In my JD era
#heathers the musical#jason dean#jd heathers#heathers#freeze your brain#ive been through ten high schools/they start to get blurry/no point planting roots/'cause your gone in a hurry/#my dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den/so its only a matter of when/i dont learn the names/dont bother with faces/#all i can trust is this concrete oasis/seems every time im about to despair/theres a 7-Eleven right there/each store is the same/#from las vegas to boston/linoleum isles that i love to get lost in/i pray at my altar of slush/yeah i live for that sweet frozen rush/#freeze your brain/suck on that straw/get lost in the pain/happiness comes/when everything numbs/who needs cocaine?/freeze your brain/#freeze your brain/care for a hit?/does your mommy know you eat all that crap?/not anymore/#when mom was alive#we lived halfway normal/but now its just me and my dad/we're less formal/i learned to cook pasta/i learned to pay rent/#learned the world doesn't owe you a cent/you're planning your future veronice sawyer/you'll go to some college and marry a lawyer/#but the skies gonna hurt when it falls/so you'd better start building some walls/freeze your brain/swim in the ice/get lost in the pain/#shut your eyes tight/'til you vanish from sight/let nothing remain/freeze your brain/shatter your skull/fight pain with more pain/#forget who you are/unburden your load/forget im six weeks/youll be back on the road/when the voice in your head/says your better off dead/#dont open a vein/just freeze your brain/freeze your brain/go on and freeze your brain/try it#Spotify
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I may seem very picky but honestly, despite having themes or dynamics i like or dislike, I'm able to love everything AS LONG as it has fixed dynamics of my preference.
No "switching as default", no "i used to too but now i will bottom for whatever reason", no "I'm bottoming now but I'm topping next time", no rapid character change just because there's stereotypes around what bottoms or tops act like. No. Just character preferring to be the bottom and default being seen and wanted as a bottom. That's it, that's all I want to be happy and all over someone's idea.
BUT IT'S SO RARE
#i had yby in mind but honestly its so many chars#yby jzx and lxc for example as the fixed bottoms#wkx as fixed top#honestly the whole 'switching is default and the only way to have a healthy relationship' bothers me#switching is as much of a preference as top/bottom exclysivity#irl i can only be a top otherwise the idea of bottoming turns me off even repulses me from the act#that got TMI but its relevant to my point#ANYWAY oftentimes i wish dynsmic based ship names returned#like difference between yexie and xieye or wenzhou and zhouwen etc#it saves so much time#and heartbreak#like this way id immediately know theres nothing for me to read#rather than click open 20 tabs then skim through and then close them after its the usual dynamic i dont prefer#or worse get invested and then get my day ruined when the sex scene happens#yes ruined because im Like That TM#hcs
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household objects i am afraid of
magnets
tape measures
blenders
the floor
light switches with unknown purposes
the garage door opener
#i know magnets dont do this but im always worried that they are going to pull all theiron out of my blood#also they kill electronics#also neodymium ones can rip apart your body trying to find each other if you accidentally eat one#tape measures are just scary all around#they have SHEET METAL (sheet metal cuts are not fun) that moves rapidly and uncontrollably#AND your fingers can get stuck in them#bad#blenders. do i even need to explain#im not scared of the floor as much as i am avoidant of it bc my feet are too sensetive and it feels like walking on spikes#light switches scare me bc our house is very poorly made so theres a bunch of switche sthat do nothing or weird stuff#one of them turns on the garbage disposal#one of them turns off the power to upstairs#its weird#and im scared of the garage door opener because if the springs break out they have enough tension to literally blunt force kill you#it almost happened to my grandpa once#apuff's inane ramblings
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.
#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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