#i cant think of anything that would be doable that i would be capable of

[strictly-confectional]

feeling so strongly like i will not ever find a job where i wont be highly uncomfortable in some respect or another

[pencileraser1]

pencil eraser one. you word your long posts about dps very well so im pointing my frustration with media-ly illiterate people in your direction. im constantly seething with rage at this podcast episode i listened to a very long time ago abt dps bc they said neils suicide was STUPID and OVERDRAMATIC. and i just. i wanna throw up that boy killed himself and ur calling himnoverdramatic what do i even do. i am high a little and this is very much affecting me i cant get up from this couch 🎀

you're completely correct for this i actually have a few thoughts about this so uh bear with me for a second

theres something that sucks so much about this specific type of criticism of this movie in particular to me because of how much i relate to neil. i watched dps for the first time when i was 17, severely depressed and borderline suicidal and i related So Much to him. i didn't write off his suicide or criticize it because i'd Been There.

generally i feel like this criticism probably stems from lack of understanding Why he would do what he did, and there's a number of reasons that that this could be although that would be leaning a bit too much into psychoanalysis and assuming things i don't know about them so i'm not going to go into it really

up until it happens, neil seems like he's doing mostly okay, and particularly if you haven't seen the movie before i could see how to certain people his suicide might seem overdramatic since it's a bit of a sudden shift from mostly okay to suicidal. but the thing is that up until this point, neil has just been doing a very good job at hiding that something is wrong.

my interpretation of the movie has always been that he'd struggled with some form of depression as well as dealing with some amount of suicidal ideation before the movie and had just generally been good at masking it. during the events of the movie he is the happiest he has ever been because of the combination of the poets, acting, and keating. so when at the end of the play his father suddenly takes away all three, and his options are either to confront his father (something that he feels is impossible to do- even if it technically isn't, the fear he has surrounding it of his father listening but not caring, or making things worse than the are, or anything else, prevents him from doing it) or suffer through 10 years of medical school away from anything he actually cares about, he decides to remove himself from the situation entirely instead.

(theres something about the way his suicide is framed within the movie where in some fucked up way his suicide more than anything else is his carpe diem. he's seizing control of his life in the only way he is physically capable of anymore)

neil's suicide isn't rational but that doesn't mean it doesn't make sense or that he's overdramatic. just because logically waiting out the 10 years until he's away from his dad or leaving as soon as he graduates high school or turns 18 or whatever it is is a better option doesn't mean that 1. he'd have the idea to run away early or more importantly think it doable (he tries so hard to not directly disobey his father the whole movie and after doing it one time is now stuck in This situation, additionally, while this is the 50's and in general shit costed less/jobs were easier to get/etc. he is financially dependent on his father and running away without any support is not the smartest decision) and 2. that he'd be physically capable of enduring the 10 years. because 10 years is a long time Especially if it's 10 years studying to become a doctor, something that is both generally difficult and also something he Doesn't Want To Do. and so the sudden switch from happiest time of his life to suicidal throws people off and they don't understand why he wouldn't have done any of the other options that they thing are the logical ones but to him probably didn't seem physically possible.

[ughgoaway]

Hi ace thank you for responding to my message in the first place xx

I went to therapy for 3 years and kinda felt it didnt help too much tbh, i think im so hopeless by now i dont i even want to go back

And uni is just a mess because i end in a month so i dont know if theyll even believe me, i dont know, i feel like fear is consuming me and i cant do anything about it

I also had an attempt a while back that no one knows about because i didnt go to the hospital, so neither my family or friends know

Im sorry for being so selfdeprecating ace but this is all i know and im tired of it

hi again, lovely.

(tw// discussion of suicide attempts and depression below the cut)

//////

therapy can feel more like a chore than helpful for a lot of people, especially if you're neurodirvergent as typical therapy isn't made with us in mind. but I promise a good therapist can do wonders. if you find someone you mesh with and that you can be honest with, they can help you a lot. but I understand if that doesn't feel doable right now. I promise you are not hopless, no one is. you are not beyond help or unworthy of help, you are valued and loved. you deserve to feel joy and love in your life.

the fact that you felt able to share this with me speaks wonders, even if it's anonymous. there is some part of you that yearns to the better and knows it's possible.

as for uni, even if you only have a month left, it's worth reaching out. they can help you get set up at the right places with the right people. programs exist within universities for people who are going through what you are. they will believe you, no one would lie about something that is so vulnerable and so hard to admit.

you can also go to your GP (idk if you're English or not, but that just means your general doctor) and ask for a referral to a mental health clinic and they may also be able to provide you with medication if they feel it would work for you.

at attempt is such a massive thing to be dealing with on your own, I can't imagine how much that must be weighing on you. as hard as it might be to hear, I'm glad it wasn't successful. You belong here for a lot longer. if you tell even one person, it will help massively. you don't even have to share intimate details just a tiny bit.

Once they understand how hard it is for you, they will work to help you and make you know how loved you are. I understand not wanting to tell people, it feels fucking impossible and every time you go to share it gets stuck in your chest. so if you can't say it, maybe write a letter or a text. you can say you don't wanna talk about it further but you need support, people will adapt to what you need. they care about you, and they want you here, and they deserve the chance to show you that.

you don't have to apologise. If anyone understand self deprecating, it's me. but this won't always be your life. Those very brief moments where you feel better will grow longer eventually. you have the capability of feeling loved and knowing you belong here, it might not feel like it but you do. I know you belong here, and so does everyone with the pleasure of knowing you.

I know I always feel like a burden to my family and friends, so I just want to reiterate that you're not. they love you, you are so so important to them.

[outsidism]

Sneaky culprit

About three years ago I started to want something, something that I wanted so bad that I was ready to do anything for it. Right now although I still think the same I also realize that alot has changed.

You see, there was one factor that I've never taken into consideration: I'm not superman. I have limitations and I'm not gonna be able to do everything I want. That was what I used to think, now, I still think I have the capability to learn almost anything, but there is a limitation to that too. Alongside to my other problems, mostly the mental illnesses, I have another problem that now I think is even more catastrophic. I'm lazy. Now, laziness is a vague word, I think it mostly means you refuse to take responsibility and I'm not like that, I can't take responsibility. Not gonna lie it kinda sounds like the same thing but what I mean by that is that I almost always lack the energy to do what I'm supposed to do, specially if the person I'm responsible for it to is me. Throughout the years I have tried things, not many but things I thought would help, nothing worked. And I don't even know what is it. Is it mental? Is it genetics? Is it life style? What is it? But one thing I know for sure, is that whenever I was very excited about something, I didn't care if I've got the energy or not, I just did it. Nowadays, I find it very hard to find such things, I mean I desperately want somethings, I literally can't stop thinking about her but for some reason, I still lack the motivation to fight for it. James Clear says, you don't need motivation, just make it a habit and it will be natural to do it, but in order to do that, in order to do anything, you need hope. Personally I believe hope is nothing but a drug to fake reality, but for some reason, I still think it's necessary. Now, the problem is, you cant just have hope, your brain is not that stupid (or is it?), So what I think works for me is to have a clear, doable plan based on reality that takes into account your limitations, your weaknesses, time and the fluidity of the world. And my next task is to devise just that.

[hegglespeggles]

How to write an essay you could not care less about in 10 steps

Hello. I have an essay to write.

I am also, (unfortunately) the kind of lazy, apathetic burnout who will only do my FUCKING work if I get really worked up. Usually that ends up meaning all of my papers are spite-fuelled tirades but my profs seem to like them so fine. I hope you find this particular raging tirade useful.

Today, I would like to educate the 4 of you that will actually see this on a fine art I have perfected over the years. Writing a paper, about which, you do not give a single, solitary, crumb of a fuck about. This is (you may have guessed) and excellent way for me to procrastinate doing a paper that *I* do not give a single solitary crumb of a fuck about. For best results, I recommend doing this NIGHT-BEFORE-PANIC like, a week in advance so you can fix all the NONSENSE that your more reasonable brain will undoubtedly find. But if it’s the night before and you are shit outta luck, this will get ‘er done. And with practice, you can even pull good grades outta these bitches.

 Dissociating? I gotchu. Woke up the day of the deadline to feel like absolute utter garbage? Search no more friends.  

  FAILING GRADES ARE BETTER THAN ZEROS JUST FUCKIN DOOOOOO ITTTT

1.    Go get the prompt.

I fucking mean it. Even if you are like 1000% sure you know what the prompt is asking, go to the FUCKING assignment, and copy that shit into your word document. Got the assignment on paper? TYPE THAT SHIT UP MOTHERFUCKER.

(Do you see what I fucking have to deal with)

Boom?

BOOM.

Congratulations, you now have a document, and whats more, there are WORDS in it!! You aren’t starting from scratch anymore kiddo. Fringe benefit, you always know EXACTLY what the assignment wants because its fucking Staring You Down. Not saying you have to do exactly as it says, mama didn’t raise no BITCH and I aint scared of fuckin CALLING PROFS OUT but if you wanna break the rules you gotta know what they are first

(Disclaimer: I have also been kicked out of class on numerous occasions for fighting with the prof and had full classes where the lecture WAS me arguing so maybe take my opinions of conformity with a grain of salt.)

2.    Math THE FIRST

I know, this is an essay and not a fucking calculus test. But some of this shit is USEFUL OKAY

Take the paper in question. How long does it have to be? Mine is 5 pages. A page is generally accepted to be 250 words (double spaced because we FUCKING LOVE OURSELVES) so 5 x 250 = 1250 wds. That’s the goal. That’s the pinnacle. That’s your new holy grail.

Time to split this bitch up

  3.    Yarrrrrr, CONTENT

And finally, we get to the part that is the reason why you are being an absolute bitch baby about this essay (maybe. I might be projecting. Your life is your life and im sure youre doing your best.) I Hate this part, but now with our magic number we don’t need to pull 5 pages out of the ether.

This part really requires you to know your vibe. Is this something that you have a lot of little opinions (read: evidence) about or like, only 2 or 3 big bois? Look deep into your soul and figure out which is the easiest for you to shit out, a rant or a list. a  great way to do this is to WRITE ANYTHING YOU GOT OUT

Here you can see I’ve put all of the thoughts I have about the question into a list, slapped some standard “opening” and “closing” shit around it so I can FUCKING FIND IT AGAIN and given it a good hard look. Whats the common thread in all of my opinions? That the prompt is fucking stupid and makes no sense is asking 2 different questions. Congratulations: you found your thesis. This essay, like many of my essays, bears the thesis “this is a weird question to be asking” (which falls under my broader category of “bitches aint shit” essays.)

Congratulations you have the bare bones of your skeleton.

  4.    MATH THE SECOND

 The magic number returns. All hail our glorious leader. 1250 right?

So heres how I break this down. Break off a small chunk at the beginning. For this essay im gonna split off the 250. Split that baby in half. Congratulations, now you have a word count on your opening and closing. Personally, I know I like a lil extra space at the end to get all ranty, so Imma split this puppy up 100 for my opening and 150 for the closing. WARNING: You will think that you will be able to write enough in your opening and closing to take up lots of space. You will feel the urge to give them both the same amount of words that you give your points. This is misguided and foolish. Not only will you 1) not be able to do it but 2) even if you did, that’s like getting a sandwich which is all bread. No one wants that. Don’t be that dude. Fight the urge.

 RIGHT SO. We’re still left on the other 1000 words.

If you have an idea that like, is bigger than the others, go ahead and give that puppy more of the word count than the others, fractions are your friend here and you wanna think about how much of your final product each of these babies will be. If you, like me, are an utter buffoon with no clue what youre doing, open your calculator up. Divide the remaining word count by the number of points you have. Congratulations. Youre doing the essaying.

If this is enough to get you started, GREAT! See you at step seven. BEFORE YOU GO I would like to give you this tip

5.    CITE YOUR INFORMATION AS YOU ADD IT IN.

It doesn’t need to be a full citation, just literally a footnote with something that will help you remember where its from and for the love of god WHAT PAGE IT IS ON. The you of 3 hours from now will thank you.

  6.    Filling in the skeleton

 I don’t know about you, but I cant exactly riff off of a single sentence. Like, I know what the VIBE of my point is, but like, I cant pull it out of a hat. The name of the game here is whittling down your arguments into thinner and thinner chunks that are easier and easier to bullshit. This is how you avoid that “burning building found in flames during Brooklyn fire” bullshit that memes. You don’t wanna meme. You wanna pass. So, figure out what the things you are gonna say and in each bit, keep track of how many words you are gonna write. EITHER

a)      You put how many words you think you can write on any point beside the point as you go and just keep developing points and shuffling word counts around until it matches the total for that section

or

b)     You evenly breakup the word count between all the points and keep breaking them down until you look at a subject and a word count and go “yeah that’s doable. I can do that.”

I prefer the second so LEGGO.

Ta-Da!

7.    Write ‘er up

Ahhh glad to see we’re all back together again. Try-hards who can ACTUALLY bullshit papers, glad to see you’ve rejoined us! This is the part where you take all that shit you’ve broken up into nice little chunks and you turn it into something worth reading. You can do it. I believe in you. Try and keep your citations in place.

I like to do this as a question answer thingy, like an exam, so halfway through writing mine is gonna look like this

 The handy part about the numbers is that it gives you a frame of reference for how your bullshit is going. Realized you had a lot more to say here than you thought? Dope! Less bullshit somewhere else, take it out of a weaker point. This point didn’t give as much as you thought it would? Split the difference elsewhere! This way you have checkpoints and you can see how your essay is going

And then you can go ahead and delete your skeleton work. Its time. Its served you well. For extra drama, whisper menacing nothings to it as you send it into the darkness. Personal favourites include “no one will mourn you,” “your fate belongs to me,” and “so this is what you have come to”

  8.    Citations

Theres like a million ways out there to find out how to do your citations and its gonna depend on what kind of a paper you are writing. I use Chicago most of the time, including here. My advice? Use a site like, bib.me or something to do your bibliography, and then plaster that in the bottom of your document. Use that as the building blocks to do your footnotes. Let Purdue Owl be your guide. Purdue Owl Style Guide Is A Mighty Friend Indeed.

 Also your welcome for that, “putting the page numbers in as you put the info in” shit. That took me alarmingly long to figure out. It’s a wonder theyre giving me a degree.

  9.    Proofread that shit, ya bougie bitch.

If you wanna be time effective, getting a friend to proofread while you do your citations is a great way to go. If you have a few days, put your paper away and come back to it. If you are out of friends and time then https://www.paperrater.com/ is your last hope.

  10.       Slap a title page on that shit and GET IT SUBMITTED

 No joke, I have been using the same template for a coverpage all through highschool and my undergrad. There is only one title page and every time I write an essay I take the title page from the last paper I wrote. There is no beginning. Only title page. Title? Topic of paper: point of paper. For example, If I had to title this screed I’d call it Essay Writing: An exploration of mediocrity. slap the date and your name and the course and instructor on there and BAM. YA DONE.

 Anyway submit that shit an go to bed youre done goodnight

EPILOGUE

I’ve gotten this essay back, and when I wrote it, I was barely a human being. Barely capable of human speech let alone a coherent argument. I would forget the end of the sentence by the time I typed out the beginning. But I still for a 70%! is it the best mark I’ve ever gotten? no! but it is a hell of a lot better than the 0% I would have gotten if i hadnt done this. I get it. And i hope this helps. 

[fairycosmos]

whats up i am The Literal Ugliest girl i have ever seen im not even being sarcastic i am so fucking disgusting it makes me sick i hate my disgusting full of acne skin, my ugly nose, my nonexistent lips and my fat short body. i want to kill myself SO MUCH but im scared my parents will be sad. do you think they’ll get over it and i should just do it bc nothing is changing and ive been waiting for years for a change and now im 22 and im fucking tired i cant fucking breathe

hey, it's okay. listen, i'm really sorry you're in such a negative place right now and i can't imagine how hard it must be. like i can absolutely relate and i totally understand where you're coming from, but your pain is your own and i won't infringe on it. that being said, of course your parents won't just 'get over' something like that. the trouble with self destructive tendencies is that your brain will do anything to make them seem plausible. it will engage you in emotional, black and white thinking - it'll force you to believe there's no other options, it'll use your insecurities against you to the highest degree in order to blow them out of proportion and make you feel bad. your self hatred is spinning a false narrative about you. i know you know about the subjectivity of beauty, the pressure we're all under to reach impossible standards, the way they sell us these made up ideas about attractiveness because that's what makes money. you can be aware of all of that and still hate the way you look, but recognizing that there is truly no wrong way to have a physical form (regardless of your low self confidence) can really make a difference. clearly this runs deeper than your appearance, i get that. but you must understand that your conditioned mind is not reliable. ugliness is a) an inevitably for everyone since our purpose isn't constant prettiness, b) not set in stone, not defined as 'one thing', and c) not a reason to take your own life. i understand that as a woman everything seems to hinge on that, but you can find comfort and happiness regardless. others don't see you the way you see yourself, and your self perception is all messed up by your biased mindset anyway. it's something a lot of people struggle with, but there IS a balance to be found. i know it's hard, i know. but experiencing this world and trying to appreciate who you are is a million times more rewarding than punishing yourself for something so uncontrollable and insignificant and inconsistent in it's validity. youre not a walking advirtisment, your body doesn't exist to fill a quota. and that can be really difficult to accept but. it's just true, it always comes back to that fact.

you're clearly in a very intense and emotional state of mind right now, and i really don't blame you. when you're sad and dealing with mental issues and you feel like there's literally no way forward, the entire world feels like the enemy. but i'd really really urge you to take a look at your thinking patterns when you're able to, in order to realize how irrational and untrue they are. harming yourself is not the correct response to not liking your reflection. instead consider outside factors, whats influencing your opinions, what you can do to make yourself feel a little more stable in the moment (cry, write, talk to a family member or friend, take a walk.) take a breath, and be sure to remain in a physically safe environment for now. that's good enough, i promise. you're doing so much better than you think you are, just by getting through the moment. you have copious amounts of worth beyond the way you look. you were born with it and it'll never go away. you have so much to offer and to see and you should not allow the unnecessary guilt to take all of that away from you. a whole future is worth so much more than you realize. i know 5 more minutes with this feeling doesn't feel worth ten years without it. but i'm honestly telling you that there are so so so many ways to grow beyond this mindset and none of them involve hurting yourself. you don't have to do anything. you're in control, not your sadness, not your temporary feelings.

you sent this anon for a reason, and i'm unbelievably glad you did. it shows you have the ability to reach out, even if it's through an unconventional platform. so if you want to know what i really believe would be good for you, then hear me out. you need to talk to your parents and you need to look at your options in regards to seeing a professional about this. whether it's through a doctor, a counselor, a support group, a hotline. anything, there is so much available. please please please do not let the self destructive part of you write the idea off as if it's nothing. because your brain will try every trick in the book to make you think it's pointless but trying is never fruitless, not in this regard. you don't have to go into great detail, but i think it could be a real relief if you just sat your parents down and told them that you're having a really hard time, you don't know what to do, and you think you need some extra support. it is completely and utterly natural to be scared, to not want to do it. vulnerability is like that. but it's a much better form of fear than the one you'll feel by staying silent and letting this get worse and worse. the bottom line is suicidal thoughts, while somewhat common, are not normal and are an indicator that it's time to prioritize your mental health. even when everything in you is screaming at you to go the other way, to self destruct. it's hard to care about what happens to you when you just don't but i'm begging you to have some empathy for your future self, alright? that is what you're looking for here, i swear. you're going to be you for the rest of your life and while that may seem daunting right now it is something you can grow to enjoy as you create a whole lifetime of experiences beyond this pain. a professional will be able to get to the root causes of what's going on, while working with you to create a care plan so that you're prepared for these episodes in the future and showing you how to implement positive patterns into your daily life. disentangling your self worth from the way you look is not impossible and is actually very doable through small exercises and patience. minimizing the damage and building from the ground up, awakening yourself to alternative perceptions, is done through communication. it's ok if it's frustrating, it's ok if it takes time. i'm not saying you have to start loving yourself immediately, or that this will solve everything, but it is a great place to start. just making the initial choice to reach out to your parents will make a massive difference. i can't stress it enough, the importance of you realizing that your self hatred and your self perceived 'ugliness' aren't irreversible truths, they are emotional inconsistencies derived from underlying issues that can be addressed with time and small amounts of effort. where you're at right now is truly not where you'll always be no matter how much you feel otherwise. please, if you're a danger to yourself call someone and put your own physical safety first. i'm begging you, it is not going to solve anything and it is not what you deserve. you will find what you do deserve eventually but you have to stick around to see it. you're stronger than you realize. you haven't made it this far for nothing. i really hope you're alright and that you're able to talk with your parents, or that you at least consider it for now. i'm sure they'll appreciate the honesty, and that's where it all begins. just admitting to what's going on, which you've already proved your capable of. sending a lot of love to you, don't hesitate to hit me up if you need a friend. you're not alone.

https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines