#theres not much time left
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i am going to discuss medical transition with my doctor and if he doesnt let me i am going to tell him that i am honest to god going to kill myself !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (≧∇≦)ノ (i probably will)
#since gillick competence is a thing i may be able to get it#if my parents try to get in the way i am going to say really ominous suicidal stuff :3 to scare them#i mean if i choose to transition and regret it thats entirely my fault#its not like im like 10 and cant think anymore#im 14 almsot 15 and ik im still dumb as shit but i have tried to kill myself SEVERAL times and almost did so i know what i need to do#if i dont do this i stand no chance.#theres not much time left#there is literally like a 1% regret rate i am serious. look it up#i got that info from an article on ncbi.nlm.nih.gov so yknow#i am genuinely honest to fucking god going to end my life if i cant get this . it is life saving. i cant keep living like htis.#my doctor already put gender dysphoria on my concerns list#he has literally seen what ive done to myself due to gender dysphoria. i think hes the only person who has seen my stupidly big scar#idk i really hope he lets me
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why isnt anybody properly repressed in modern fiction like repression has been a staple of human creativity since the dawn of time but tbh i think we have been seeing a steep decrease in severely repressed fictional characters since the 80s not sure what we are going to do about it are we suddenly all too good for repression or something personally i love repression
#this is why i have to read books written by deeply unwell women from the 1950s from time to time#keeps one grounded in just how much you can u sublimate your own desires until well theres nothing left to desire#its very real to me like they really get it
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misfits and magic is NOT about analyzing the PCs actions and deciding who's right and who's wrong. it's about watching four autistic wizards wreak absolute havoc on each other and the entire wizarding world using the power of friendship
#plus theres so many episodes left. there's so much time for more conversation and character development...#misfits and magic#d20#dimension 20#mismag#mismag 2#misfits and magic 2#mine#text
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Happy to have 2 Arms Left in the comp another year! While this isnt Sprouts first rodeo, its Poptarts first! Everyone give him a welcome :)
@tmntaucompetition
Bonus, featuring Poptarts bestie, because no one can convince me otherwise that Poptart will get overwhelmed with the amount of people- @dianagj-art
#oh gosh theres so many aus#I wanted to cameo a lot but then I proceeded to run out of room and time haha#unsure how much energy I am going to have to make consistent propaganda and crossovers#but we will see!?#haha job + college is only SLIGHTLY kicking my ass and taking my free time#also I dont think I am going to have a fun time with the decades theme imma be real#I am not very confident in my clothes drawing skills aha <3#2 arms left#also remember last year how sprout got to tie with his bestie imbi?#best case scenario for this year: poptart getting to tie with his bestie one :)#the besties
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dsmpblr now all we got is each other and the reblog button
#every time i see people doompost about how theres no one and no art left in this community i just want to shake them by the shoulders#THERE IS!!! THERE ARE!!! of course much fewer than before but THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS#but you need to do your part and REBLOG and INTERACT thats the only way to prevent the community you love from dying!!!!!#alex.rambles.txt#mcyt#fuck it maintagging#dream smp#dsmp#dsmpblr#alex.greatest.hits.txt
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i think the barbie movie would have a profound psychological impact on hua cheng
prev comic / next comic / follow for still more hualian barbie movie content because i am not done
bonus angsty version 🎉 i hate love expressions just a couple tiny lines on the mouth and eyebrows and it goes from silly to sad
:(
#this is a haha hua cheng devoted joke but idk it’s nice to think about how much of his identity and self worth is placed on xie lian#obviously since he was 10 most of his major life choices were to serve the crown prince#but in the interval time he became one of the most dangerous men in the world and decided it was his responsibility to create a ghost haven#he works on artistic mastery and alternatively brokers deals with and evades assassination attempts by heaven#if asked i think he would say he only does good for dianxia’s sake (What Would Dianxia Do) and is actually a bad person#and similar stuff about his combat and art skills#theres a question here about how much of his success is due to being such a determined person and how much#of it is luck from ‘the savior’ reversing the star of solitude#how much hua cheng is left when you take away xie lian?#he would say nothing#xie lian would say a billionaire genius playboy philantrophist etc#tgcf looooooves to talk about destiny and free will and so do i#all this to say if it was in character for hua cheng to cry at a movie hed be sobbing#this can be read as pre or post confession btw#the poll decided which version of the comic was the ‘main version’ above the cut#tgcf#art#comic#hualian#hua cheng#xie lian#tian guan ci fu#heaven official's blessing#hob#mxtx#my art#barbie#barbie movie#tgcf meme#lmao
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My full piece for the Le Blanc zine, a Chat Blanc Miraculous Ladybug zine hosted over at @leblanczine! I had a lot of fun working on this piece, playing with the shadows and saturations. Everyone's work looks amazing and it all came together so well!
The leftover sale runs through May 4, 2024 so make sure you grab what's available :)
Tumblr post || Shop
Artwork ©: alazic02 | buy me a ko-fi
Do not repost.
#miraculous ladybug#leblanczine#le blanc zine#chat blanc zine#zine#miraculous ladybug zine#chat blanc#art#my art#fanart#digital#alazic02#theres alt text on the first image that describes the full piece! the other two are closeups#idk if theres much left but theres a promo code 'leftovers' for 20% off your order#anyway i really enjoyed rendering this one actually and that took up most of the time i worked on it#i gotta look at more tutorials and stuff bc i feel like ive plateaued in terms of techniques for digital art and i wanna update my style
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im so glad that we never get a clear picture of sophie’s background in leverage & i hope we never do. however i also really like making up various, often conflicting backstories for her in my head. perhaps they’re all backstories for an alias of hers, ones she laid to rest back in season two.
#leverageposting#leverage#sophie devereaux#particularly that one of or both her parents had to move around a lot for work & so she would change herself to fit in at every new school#or new town etc etc. and that whatever original identity she had was dropped due to some kind of really awful event and her bio family think#she’s dead. eg she got into some kind of extreme legal trouble for the first time & she faked her death & everyone she knew as a kid thinks#she’s dead too. like. astrid wasn’t the first person she left to miss/mourn her.#but also that she was a teen runaway at like age ~16 and pretended to be an adult (like. 18/19) cause theres not much you can do by yourself#as a minor like booking flights or renting an apartment. and so began her first proper alias. and she was a pickpocket until she could fund#her life fully through grifting & cons.#or alternatively her parents died when she was a teen & she was old enough to become an emancipated minor (everyone in lev is an orphan)#and she kind of just fell into crime from there bc she had no one#or perhaps she got married at 17 and realised how fucked it all was and stashed money until she could run away & leave it all behind. that’s#bc of a single vague sentence on john rogers’ blog saying she was married at 17 and in context it was quite possibly a joke or random#hypothetical example but i was like what if???? What If???????#i also like the hc that she’s trans which i’ve seen a few times#in some versions in my mind her parents were okay and in some versions they were awful and in some versions it was so complicated.#i think tara has heard one story and parker or hardison have heard another and nate has never heard any story. he’s never asked.#she is here now and that’s all that needs knowing. and sophie devereaux is her real name in any way it matters.#eliot has also never asked and she asked if he was curious once and he just asked if she was curious about What He Did and that was answer#enough for the both of them. just a mutual agreement not to ask and it actually solidified their bond.#i think she struggled for a long time about whether to tell her new family The Real Story but in much the same way we never hear her birth#name bc it’s not Her anymore… she never gives The Real Story. bc it no longer defines who she is. she’s so much more than whatever happened.#lvg
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ALEX SHEPHERD, THE BOY WHOSE SOUL IS BOUND TO EARTH AND HE CANNOT DIE. // a.k.a how one small mistake can make you wish you stayed dead
jenny holzer / saturniinne / sun bleached flies - ethel cain / orofeaiel / cecil castellucci / violetteforevernever / ojibwa / i know it's over - the smiths / tathève simonyan / stellernorth / robert bly
#oc alex#a.a.k.a no one is coming to save you. get over yourself.#yes this is a short web weave but like...... it couldve been sooo much longer theres so much i can use for him. so much i can say about him#he's terrified of death. he just wants to be at peace. he wants to live again. he's getting so tired. he just wants to go home.#theres no home left for him. he's mourning. he's so over it. he's alone in this world. he always was alone.#going missing and dying changed nothing. it changed everything. but only for a second.#and then life carried on without him. he will never get that time back. he misses it. he doesnt want to go back.#he needs company. he wants so desperately to be left alone. theres still hope. theres no hope left. Do You Understand.
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No jokes here. The Navy’s best pilot and the Navy’s best admiral. Between them, eight air-to-air combat kills and five stars. These were men who commanded respect with or without your approval. This was the picture of ruthless competence.
Debriefing (& Other Stories) • part 2 of Easier Done Than Said by @compacflt
#easier done than said by COMPACFLT#this is one of my alltime favourite fics rn#and probably for the rest of time too#its a topgun fic written by COMPACFLT and its insane and its so fucking good#its basically a canon rewrite of#top gun 1986#and#top gun maverick#and spans thirty years of Ice and Mavs relationship#theres just so much in this#so much emotion and characterization and everything#which has driven me insane that im having one hell of a dopamine comedown this week after having read it#i highly reccomended people go read it cause its just really that good#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#bradley rooster bradshaw#jake hangman seresin#i love how the commander wrote mav and ice in this. like theyre clearly military men#but theyre also SO much more#icemav#and theyve taken the canon 'whos the best pilot' and given its own twist#'hes the best pilot in the world'#my heart cant take it anymore#i know im making this sound like 100k words of just fluff but believe me its not#its 30 years of pain and internalised homophobia and time away and falling in love and raising a kid and not once talking about any of it#but the ending is so so so good and the additional parts from different povs literally left me wanting more#i cant do this someone help me go read this go read this go read this#and come cry with me how we cant ever read this for the first time ever again#also shoutout to the commander once again for the insane amount of preplanning and research into the navy theyve done to write this fic#im forver thankful. sorry im a stalker
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Y'know. I've been thinking about that au @mari-lair talked about where vaugarde was the country that was forgotten and not the island and just. Thinking about the wider implications for the world? Cause like. The island didn't seem to have had much effect on the world. But vaugarde was an entire country. So there would have been trade routes and politics and all that jazz going on that would just. Disappear. And like, referencing the map on the wiki, there's 3 nearby countries that could witness vaugarde disappearing, poteria, mwudu, and the country south of vaugarde. Those are 3 countries that could have really felt vaugarde's disappearance. There was probably a lot of information that was lost in those countries, and a lot people in those countries likely had friends and family in vaugarde that they just forgot about. Like the implications of vaugarde disappearing would have wider consequences for the world than one island
This post got long so I'm putting a read more here
Also like. The question of what happened the vaugarde is of wider importance now? Vaugarde was in the middle of 3 countries and an island after all. Is vaugarde like, this big inhospitable wasteland that as far as everyone can remember was *always* like that? How do people feel about that? Are there people that wants to try to make the area habitable? Or people that try to adventure into the area, to test their craft skills or for the sake of adventure or anything? Considering that in isat people knew the island existed but can't remember anything about it, they just knew something happened to it, do people in this world go "Oh yea the country east of heeeeere... wait, what? What am I talking about?" Or is it like everyone knew there was another country everyone forgot but never thought that the inhospitable area is that country? How much of vaugarde is still in this area, but is inaccessible for one reason or another? My thought is that a reason it's inhospitable is that it seems like there's a never ending stream of sadnessese there, but they never seem to cross the borders into other countries, they just stay in vaugarde
Another option though is that the area vaugarde was in just turned into the ocean. I don't have as many thoughts for this idea, I just have one main joke idea. Because there is definitely at least one town in poteria or the country south of vaugarde that didn't have any type of port or dock because. Why would they? They're landlocked. Boats are useless to them. But then one day some person is just standing by the ocean, staring out at, and goes.
"...wait. can't we fish? Why don't we fish? Why dont we have a dock? Wait can we get merchants and sailors here?"
And like. Rip vaugarde but some small town is about to become a major trading hub between the 3 remaining countries and an island. This makes me wonder how much of vaugarde is still around. Like did vaugarde sink into the ocean and you can see the remains of the country that once existed here if you have the means? Does vaugarde become this world's version of Atlantis? If vaugarde becomes this world's version of Atlantis does people use it as some type of cautionary tale? Or did vaugarde just completely disappear, and take everything in the area vaugarde once was with it? Wow so much for "I don't have a lot of thoughts" for this option
But yea. I just- I think the implications of vaugarde disappearing is interesting. And yea that's my essay
#isat#in stars and time#its easier for the island to disappear when it wouldnt affect much of the world#but vaugarde *had* to have much more connected to the world and thus the world would be much more affected#oh yea something i forgot to mention#theres probably a lot more vaugardians that escaped than there were people from the island#considering its much easier for them to leave vaugarde and vaugardes tradition of going on pilgrimages#i think theres a lot of tragey in that as well#theres the feeling of youre the only one for siffrin and anyone else from the island in isat#but for this world thered be the feeling of being able to find people like you#but none of you being able to decipher your feelings and memories and any other clues that may be left#i think something like that would be interesting to explore#honestly i think this au would be a neat way to explore memories and what it means to forget and stuff like that
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The weirdest thing in totk so far has been finding out that there was an intended method of finding mineru where you were supposed to get hints steadily on who the fifth sage was and you weren't supposed to just force your way through zero visibility thunderstorms for the sake of exploring and then getting jumpscared by a talking construct head and realizing you just triggered a major plot centric quest early to mid game with only two other sages
#just. purah being like. link you wont believe this but theres a FIFTH sage 😮#and um. you mean mineru my friend mineru#i built her body and then once i found out there was COMBAT i had to do with her i left immediately#bc i was under the impression that she couldnt fight unless you were controlling her. and i sucked at controlling her#so she did end up joining me last as the game inteded her to. but i had her body assembled for a bulk of my game time#like. you cant just put a giant island chain constantly shrouded by thunderstorms in plain sight and expect me to#NOT make a beeline to it. come on.#but i thought about it and the stubling across her on accident was sooo much better then what they wanted me to do#just felt more special and mysterious#totk spoilers
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every year i think "there's no way I can draw as much as I did last year" and then then I make myself look like an idiot. ending 2023 with a genuinely disgusting number of arts this year:
anyway call me a tree bc i'm abt to get real sappy: thank you all so much for a genuinely INSANE year in terms of how much i drew, how much i improved, and how much LOVELY support i've gotten!!!!!!! like my followercount more than quadrupled from the start of the year and i just can't believe?? there's this many of u?? that like my art???????? dead on the floor i love you all SO much!!!! thank u!!!!!!!!
#end of year art summary#much like last year this insane number is artfight's fault LOL#bit cringe that 2 months just have weirded out studies as the best of the month LOL. even if theyre nothing like the originals#also i feel like i have a nice balance of all my styles here for once LOL#like 1 3D (ok 2 -- the 1 pixel art is done in 3d); 2 illustration; 3 realism; 2 lineart; 2 ms paint and 1 illineartstration (last one)#god. i think my new years resolution should just be to draw less or smthn#this is 400 more arts than last year#like i UNDERSTAND that u become quicker every year bc practice. but surely not 400 arts quicker#theres still a few hours left of the year but Celebration Times so wont draw til 2024#ALSO FUNNIEST THING. I DIDNT DO MY FIRST ART OF THE YEAR TIL THE 4TH SO I THOUGHT 'OH THIS'LL BE A SLOW ART YEAR' AND THEN--
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nervous habits
(not pictured: pacing, clutching/picking at their sleeves and tearing leaves to shreds slowly if they have the downtime)
#just another page of uncolored things. only damn thing i do nowadays#but i have FUN. so who even care.#i have so many thoughts on them.. i lov you lodger.#so nervous all the time...#bottom is meant to be hair pulling and just. face picking in general.. i think they pick a lot. pick at anything#top RIGHT is them trying to remember how many rooms theres left to fix th light in. forgot to label that#and top left is meant to be stroking the scarf. which i think is very smooth by now from all th years of petting#i think they do it for the good texture. its grounding..#i think i got that from house with no door.#okay yapping over#my art#knock knock#knock knock game#tw picking#tw hair pulling#idk if people tag that much but just to b safe
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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elaborate self hate and ungodly amounts of yapping. underneath is just the main ones without text on it
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#lobcorp spoilers#abel lobcorp#abram lobcorp#adam lobcorp#x lobcorp#too much. too much effort into this. far too much. why. why.... i know why pointless to qsk its becwuse i didnt want to do things irl#ADAM WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE THAG AUGHHGJGN the text is also placed weird im syill trying to figure out ways to layout text w drawings its odd#its supposed to read top section then left to right to left bock then righr block but its. weird. ITS WEIRD but serviceable so shitpost#quality for formating or how ever you call it with genuine effort . for SOME reason. anyways. elaborate self hate was supposed to be a#captjom for a different work i had in mind before i lost power and thus motivation. might still do it though. its just the As beating the#shit outa eachother in a very shit way. adam would bite someone to win. all im saying. and abram wears slippers. throwable. abel cane. smack#anyways the text i put isnt what i can call really in character its just whay i remember off basic beats and then stretched longer for comic#timing and just to have text there. yeah.... dont kill me..#(says that when ever i end up writing dialog due to my insecurity in the ability to capture the essence of a chatacter)#lobotomy corporation spoilers#i dont remember which spoiler tags i use typically. uhhh works. theres like 3 variations or smthn#can you see where i decided to put actual time into this. it was not planned to have this muhch effort.. visible shift
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