#there's something deeply wrong with me

[socialistexan]

There is a 24/7 Livestream of classic Doctor Who on tubi which I use as work as almost a like subway surfer ass ADHD stim during work, and sometimes when I zone out of it for a little while I like to check back on it and see how quickly I can guess which serial it is. I'm usually good to do it within a few seconds.

So my fiance decided to test just how far this goes last night and had my close my eyes while she picked a random spot in a random episode and had me try to guess what episode it is.

I got it within 10 seconds.

[waytooobsessedwithmcyt]

*sighs dreamily* I'm gonna make another character into a traumatized child soldier obsessed with wolves

[mairen-marionette]

can my brain stop making me think that my friends hate/are ignoring me please i dont like it

[starsonmarsy]

i think im just not a person

[everywordisanewregret]

Can you trick yourself into questioning your gender and sexuality? Can you almost gaslight yourself just by existing in majority queer circles?

Because it feels like a few months ago a switch was flipped in my brain and now I keep going "I'm a girl but... [I wish i didn't have breasts and a uterus, I wish I didn't look like this, I wish I had a dick, I think I would have been happier as a boy, etc.]". But I'm not sure if I really feel this way. I'm not very good at knowing feelings, I don't know what I'm feeling unless it is spoken in my mind in a flat kind of tone at which point I don't know what's a thought brought on by the people I talk to and the media I consume and what is an actual emotion, what's mine.

Same with sexuality. Do I really like girls? Do I even like guys? I want to try sex but the way I think seems more in theory and as an almost academic exercise. I want to know how it feels, both with a guy and a girl, but I don't know if I actually want sex itself. I can't see myself actually having sex with a real person. I'm not sure I could do it.

And I don't think I can love anyone. Not properly. I don't even know where to begin with it. I tried "dating" someone a few years ago and I couldn't do it, I ended up stringing him along for a year because I couldn't figure out what was wrong and then what I was supposed to do about it. I say the word dating I'm quotes because honestly it was never really beyond a 5 year old's concept of dating, completely because I couldn't let it progress. They're much happier now with someone else who can actually love them and I am in the wonderful position of being their best friend, way closer now I'm not hiding inside myself. In a couple of days time she's probably going to be reading this as I'll send it to him because I'm not sure I can untangle my thoughts like this more than once every few weeks. It's not that I couldn't love them like that, it's that I don't think I can love anyone like that.

But again, I don't know if any of this is real or I'm just "supposed" to feel this way. I feel directionless and lonely even with a couple of incredibly close friends. They get me but I'm not sure they'll ever get me completely because I don't understand myself and I'm not sure I ever will. I'll just end up alone anyway, a failure leaning on the crutch of her friends until they eventually realise how worthless I am, how much I drain them, how I can't get out of my own thoughts and can't manage empathy as well as they need. I feel like I'm supposed to be some kind of demon or vampire. I'm supposed to have fangs and leathery wings and a spiked tail and horns. Something to show them how much I'll hurt them. How inhuman I really am. How nobody should be near me and they should get out while they can.

I'm sure I was happier once. Now I'm stuck numbing myself with other people's music and stories, unable to create anything of my own, living filtered through other people's descriptions of life. I have no hope for myself. I'm sure my friends would be better off without me, but I'm too selfish to act upon that. Sure, me fucking off or dying would hurt them for a bit but they'd be better without me tethering them down. And I'm never going to be truly happy, so what's the point? I'm not going to do anything about it though.

But yeah... who am I? What am I? A girl? A boy? Something else? Straight? Bi? Ace? None of the above? Have I made it all up so I can have a reason for feeling confused or a reason to belong? Is it possible to fool yourself? I don't even know how much of this is coherent, but it's not like anybody is going to read it anyway, and if by some reason you do, I'm sorry for making you get this far through this pile of self-centered self-pitying sludge from the mind of someone with no true problems.

[ghostieking]

there's nothing I love more than being so unaware of celebrities that I often go "who?.... who the fuck is that?" and people look at me like I'm an alien... i'm like if an autistic person didn't know shit

[hellboundhimbo]

SANUSO!!!!!! explodes and dies

[asavt]

More warmp ups/ideas for that one AU that is still in the google docs.

[misanthropicgardener]

man i love flowey so much, i don’t think i ever realized just how funny he is when i was a teenager. i love that he save scums. i love that he gets mad when you interrupt his monologue. i love that he talks like an anime villain because he thinks frisk is chara and is playing the world’s longest game of edgy oc playground roleplaying. he has the strongest cain instinct i have ever seen. he projects like crazy. he is an incredibly sore loser. i love him

[yunvind]

I think the apple's rotten right to the core

From all the things passed down

From all the apples coming before

[siloupy]

ended 2 years ago today :( miss her

[justonebitebaby]

"You think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" is so insane. imagine knowing someone so intimately that you know the smell of their blood, their decay. imagine smelling rust and copper in their air and thinking that's him. he's still alive, still on board. imagine spending so many years together in such close quarters, seeing each other injured and patching each other up, that just the scent of blood in the air is enough for you to know.

[snowb1iss]

relatable

what being a pgr fan does to a person...

[oneandonly-triple-b]

this is what happens when blake (once again) goes autism mode over a character from a franchise he knows of but does not actually watch

i love you forever mr ringading. aka lux imperator. from the new dr who episode. or whatever

[quarkfancam]

[vaguely-concerned]

tiny animation detail from this scene I really like: rook glances towards the locations of lucanis and bellara's rooms (and possibly where they're most likely to be found in this moment?) respectively when they deliver this line!

(honestly I expect that lucanis is hanging out somewhere other than the pantry during this to give everyone in this unfolding catastrophe some space, but consider: it's so much funnier if he IS sitting in the pantry hearing this all go down on the other side of the wall like

taash stomps in with thunder and trepidation in their eyes like 'hey. I need vegetables. can we make vegetables happen.' and lucanis already handing them a lettuce and tomato like i gotchu fam this is literally the only thing I know how to do for you in this situation go with the maker and these salad ingredients I resignedly already know you'll just put on a plate with no dressing no spices no nothing. just the most sleep deprived caffeinated to the point of vibrating gently in place awkward-yet-painfully-well-meaning man in the world standing there before his friend about to have one of the most difficult conversations of their life like '...can I offer you a turnip in these trying times' while rye desperately treads social water out in the dining room to buy time. amazing. our lives really all do touch each other. headcanon passionately embraced)