#there's something deeply wrong with me
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Yeah.
fire smoke and confetti fall from the ceiling, the sound of heavy rock music unlike anything you've ever heard plays Frank, Jarrod, Gerard, Mikey and Ray all walk out onto the stage in maid costumes and catboy ears Gerard: It's Britney bitch The world implodes and we all die
#There's something deeply wrong with me#poison is the posts#poison is the bandom#mcr#mcr5#my chemcial romance#gerard way#frank iero#ray toro#mikey way#jarrod alexander
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i think im just not a person
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warning: if you are currently experiencing female hysteria, do NOT look at handsome men on Pinterest, and do NOT listen to mitski. It will just make it worse
#So many hormones#The 'handsome man' was David Tennant#There's something deeply wrong with me#Like I feel like the protagonist in a coming of age movie#In the least happy way#So dramatic#Currently sprawling over the bed and hysterically sobbing#Female hysteria isn't real I'm just going through something tbh#Haven't gone outside in so fucking long#I'm rewatching shit#Turning back into my cringy ass self#Like I was such a dumbass idiot during my Sherlock phase#And now I'm rewatching that 😭#😭#✨#🫀
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i need to be patted on the facemask like a goalie. bear hugged like i just pitched a shutout in a big matchup. or like. thrown back into the glass bc i just scored a goal and 3 teammates are hugging me at the same time
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Can you trick yourself into questioning your gender and sexuality? Can you almost gaslight yourself just by existing in majority queer circles?
Because it feels like a few months ago a switch was flipped in my brain and now I keep going "I'm a girl but... [I wish i didn't have breasts and a uterus, I wish I didn't look like this, I wish I had a dick, I think I would have been happier as a boy, etc.]". But I'm not sure if I really feel this way. I'm not very good at knowing feelings, I don't know what I'm feeling unless it is spoken in my mind in a flat kind of tone at which point I don't know what's a thought brought on by the people I talk to and the media I consume and what is an actual emotion, what's mine.
Same with sexuality. Do I really like girls? Do I even like guys? I want to try sex but the way I think seems more in theory and as an almost academic exercise. I want to know how it feels, both with a guy and a girl, but I don't know if I actually want sex itself. I can't see myself actually having sex with a real person. I'm not sure I could do it.
And I don't think I can love anyone. Not properly. I don't even know where to begin with it. I tried "dating" someone a few years ago and I couldn't do it, I ended up stringing him along for a year because I couldn't figure out what was wrong and then what I was supposed to do about it. I say the word dating I'm quotes because honestly it was never really beyond a 5 year old's concept of dating, completely because I couldn't let it progress. They're much happier now with someone else who can actually love them and I am in the wonderful position of being their best friend, way closer now I'm not hiding inside myself. In a couple of days time she's probably going to be reading this as I'll send it to him because I'm not sure I can untangle my thoughts like this more than once every few weeks. It's not that I couldn't love them like that, it's that I don't think I can love anyone like that.
But again, I don't know if any of this is real or I'm just "supposed" to feel this way. I feel directionless and lonely even with a couple of incredibly close friends. They get me but I'm not sure they'll ever get me completely because I don't understand myself and I'm not sure I ever will. I'll just end up alone anyway, a failure leaning on the crutch of her friends until they eventually realise how worthless I am, how much I drain them, how I can't get out of my own thoughts and can't manage empathy as well as they need. I feel like I'm supposed to be some kind of demon or vampire. I'm supposed to have fangs and leathery wings and a spiked tail and horns. Something to show them how much I'll hurt them. How inhuman I really am. How nobody should be near me and they should get out while they can.
I'm sure I was happier once. Now I'm stuck numbing myself with other people's music and stories, unable to create anything of my own, living filtered through other people's descriptions of life. I have no hope for myself. I'm sure my friends would be better off without me, but I'm too selfish to act upon that. Sure, me fucking off or dying would hurt them for a bit but they'd be better without me tethering them down. And I'm never going to be truly happy, so what's the point? I'm not going to do anything about it though.
But yeah... who am I? What am I? A girl? A boy? Something else? Straight? Bi? Ace? None of the above? Have I made it all up so I can have a reason for feeling confused or a reason to belong? Is it possible to fool yourself? I don't even know how much of this is coherent, but it's not like anybody is going to read it anyway, and if by some reason you do, I'm sorry for making you get this far through this pile of self-centered self-pitying sludge from the mind of someone with no true problems.
#lgbtqia#maybe?#I don't fucking know#there's something deeply wrong with me#i fear#gender identity#sexuality#A mind that operates purely through the art of others can't have any inherent value itself#can it?#sorry for the self-pitying ramble#I hope nobody actually reads this for their own sake#but for some reason I'm still sharing this#it just goes to show how selfish i am#i guess#I'm going to go and curl up in bed and listen to FOB's Lulluby from the pregap of Folie à Deux now#goodnight#I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about here#as is obvious
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there's nothing I love more than being so unaware of celebrities that I often go "who?.... who the fuck is that?" and people look at me like I'm an alien... i'm like if an autistic person didn't know shit
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man i love flowey so much, i don’t think i ever realized just how funny he is when i was a teenager. i love that he save scums. i love that he gets mad when you interrupt his monologue. i love that he talks like an anime villain because he thinks frisk is chara and is playing the world’s longest game of edgy oc playground roleplaying. he has the strongest cain instinct i have ever seen. he projects like crazy. he is an incredibly sore loser. i love him
#don’t get me wrong he is also very tragic and a deeply traumatized child put in a weird undeath situation#experiencing immense grief and his body is now something that is entirely a reminder of that grief#he is a fascinating character. but also he’s funny.#i love when asriel says ‘’maybe i was projecting a little bit’’#like. yeah. just a little
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"You think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" is so insane. imagine knowing someone so intimately that you know the smell of their blood, their decay. imagine smelling rust and copper in their air and thinking that's him. he's still alive, still on board. imagine spending so many years together in such close quarters, seeing each other injured and patching each other up, that just the scent of blood in the air is enough for you to know.
#they make me insane#something deeply wrong with both of them#edizzy#ofmd#ofmd blackbeard#izzy hands#ofmd s2#ofmd spoilers#our flag means death
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If i get asked why I relate to andrew kreiss i simply will not answer btw <3
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Disgustingly messy and crusty sketch dump but I couldn't get my own terrible theory out of my head and ended up making a bunch of sketches about it. Also at the end a bonus dickbats and Damian doodle bc I was reading an issue of their Batman and Robin run (IDs in Alt)
#dc comics#dc#batfamily#batman#damian wayne#stephanie brown#tim drake#dick grayson#cassandra cain#duke thomas#anyway. zdarsky run sure is something huh?#its still so funny to me that half of 148 was leaked a few days before like someone has it OUT for that book over at bleeding cool ig#i don't necessarily think this theory will come true I'm just imagining how stupid it would be if it did#I'm not super happy with the dialogue in the cass+duke+dick comic but i felt my og dialogue might've read too fanon#mainly just bc cass' last sentence was originally shorter/just ellipses and duke said smthin like ''wait? villain arc?''#which you could easily find in wayne family adventures. even tho it would've been appropriate for this situation 😭#now the dialogue just sounds kind of generic (esp cass') and it's BOTHERING ME AUGHH. this is the comic book fandom panopticon /j#anyway Bruce is in the retirement home in this scenario /j#me n my friends were talking over discord and came up w the cursed scenario that jason is tims robin in this (apart of the 'redemption' arc#-that he's been nail gunned with in this run. god this run is so weird when it comes to jason. like it doesn't outright dislike him-#-like it clearly does damian and (more obviously) cass steph and duke) but the tone of everything w jason is still bizarre#god. anyway yeah i didn't draw him but please picture grown man tank Jason in the robin undies (ala tt 03 but dare i say better)#also the dick being silly sketch was bc the issue i was reading had damian refer to dick as 'jolly'#specifically like ''unreasonably jolly'' or something like that (god i love when ppl find dicks cheerfulness deeply unsettling hehehe)#and i thought it was so funny. bc damian met dick when we has going through his ''bruce is dead'' depression-#-and STILL thought that dick was extremely unserious. he sees happy dick and is like ''what is wrong w you. genuinely''#but at the same time he loves it#i need to stop reading their batman and robin run so scatteredly (or i can just reread nightwing must die...always a possibility)#anyway yeah 👍 bad sketches be upon you#mine
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The answer is yes 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Do we think leopold could pull off glasses? I need to know for personal reasons
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Y'ALL. Y'ALL so for a long time I've believed that "the sun" in Meursault's story is Carmen, and I went to check Hell's Chicken's dialogue to see exactly how he said that he'd dealt with distortions before, and... you know what else he said?
To my knowledge, it is a phenomenon where an individual morphs into a form often unfit to be considered “human”. It has no known causes, and the appearances were all different.
Unfit to be considered human.
Meursault, who, in his book, was judged by the court to be soulless.
Meursault, who has EGO for Cyborgs who have been so mutilated they barely act like people anymore; a murderer who was experimented on until ceasing to be human; a sheep named after Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, a novel about the humanity of androids and the inhumanity of humans; and now a rose that can't help its bloodsucking nature, based on Carmilla, a vampire whose story emphasized the duality between her vampiric traits and her human ones.
Meursault, who answered Heathcliff's ironic question of if he had metal for brains like this:
I'm placing my bets now, that line from Hell's Chicken is foreshadowing for Meursault's canto even more than "I have witnessed a number of [distortion] cases in the past" was
#limbus company#project moon#meursault#sorry of my info on carmilla is off i still havent read the book#me post#CLARIFYING IN THE TAGS: MEURSAULT IS HUMAN#it would be a disservice to his character and honestly pretty gross if he ended up not being human#the entire point is that he IS human and that other people perceive him as otherwise because of how he behaves#so I guess theoretically if he did distort it would exacerbate the issue?#extremely speculative but there are distortions who can behave pretty normally while distorted#like the marksman of the mist (and also some of the reverb ensemble but those people are all full of issues WAYYY bigger than marksman was)#if meursault was one of those...#someone calling him unfit to be human. it's fine it definitely won't leave a scar on his psyche#i think in his canto there might end up being something about how even though people don't see distortions as humans#distorting is a very human thing to do#anyway i think overall there's juxtaposition with him and don quixote#don isnt human and wishes she could be#meursault is human but people don't think he is#yknow despite my theories it would probably be more poignant if he DIDNT distort#them looking at him and assuming he only couldve done something like that if he distorted but he didnt#oh wait but the timeline... they probably wouldn't have known about how distorting works yet#nevermind back to the first idea#they ask why. he talks about a beautiful voice. no one knows about this yet and they all think there's something deeply wrong with him#'a beautiful voice convinced me' holds up in court about as well as 'the sun was too bright'
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We are so lucky there are no visuals in Malevolent because if I laid my eyes on Arthur with his sleeves rolled up drenched head to toe in blood baring his teeth a demon of chaos manipulating his every decision all while he degrades the shit out of a confirmed killer, I'd drop to my god damn knees on the spot idk what to tell you
#sorry guys I really have no excuse for this one I was using my imagination a little too much#masked#we need more Arthur drenched in blood with a killer look in his eyes fanart#its really not my fault that a man like that has me twirling my feet and kicking my hair#suggestive#malevolent podcast#malevolent#arthur lester#arthur malevolent#malevolent arthur#posts I'd make to let people know that there is something deeply fundamentally wrong with me
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Gravity Falls is about old men with personality disorders
#my art#gravity falls#fiddleford mcgucket#bill cipher#stanford pines#stanley pines#To be fair the most likely to be diagnosed with ASPD is Stanley since he was In Prison#+history of conduct disorder since early childhood#He's just like me fr etc etc#there is something deeply wrong with me#And it's one of these#Don't ask me which one#fuck if i know#Polycule from hell
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How I feel about this and next week's dungeon meshi episodes
I'm already seeing people going at it and it's gonna get SO much worse next week when The Fight™ happens. I am so tired. I just wanna stare at my and marcille's hot dragon chicken wife. Is that too much to ask?
#dungeon meshi#falin touden#toshiro nakamoto#part of me is like eh whatever at a man getting the same treatment for getting 'in the way' of a wlw ship#that girls always get for 'threatening' an mlm ship#but at the same time HE'S NOT EVEN GETTING IN THE WAY OF ANYTHING?? BFFR RN THAT MAN IS NOT A THREAT TO FARCILLE let us all calm down#also i think the conflict between laios and toshiro is one of the best written conflicts where you understand both parties#and neither is fully in the wrong or right. and both of their experiences describe something marginalized people irl can deeply relate to#(autistic trauma on one hand and wheathering microagressions without speaking up bcs you don't want to Make A Scene on the other)#and i am NOT looking forward to seeing ppl flatten it into 'shuro's evil laios good bean' LET MY DUDES HAVE NUANCE
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I couldn't even make a 'if I had a nickel' type joke for this because it happens too much to fit the format
im swiftly realizing how much me loving characters with a lot of purple in their designs keeps happening but I promise it's not because of that ok
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