#there's something deeply wrong with me
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There is a 24/7 Livestream of classic Doctor Who on tubi which I use as work as almost a like subway surfer ass ADHD stim during work, and sometimes when I zone out of it for a little while I like to check back on it and see how quickly I can guess which serial it is. I'm usually good to do it within a few seconds.
So my fiance decided to test just how far this goes last night and had my close my eyes while she picked a random spot in a random episode and had me try to guess what episode it is.
I got it within 10 seconds.
#There's something deeply wrong with me#iirc it was episode 2 of carnival of monsters#doctor who#i can do it for basically any classic series episode#i havent tried with modern who but probably also
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*sighs dreamily* I'm gonna make another character into a traumatized child soldier obsessed with wolves
#shrub berry in one au that i have in my head#hunter toh#puppets and puppeteers au#pearl in yet another au i have in my mind#there's something deeply wrong with me
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can my brain stop making me think that my friends hate/are ignoring me please i dont like it
#i hate this#got fucked up over a different thing hours ago and now i cant get my head right#there's something deeply wrong with me
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i think im just not a person
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Can you trick yourself into questioning your gender and sexuality? Can you almost gaslight yourself just by existing in majority queer circles?
Because it feels like a few months ago a switch was flipped in my brain and now I keep going "I'm a girl but... [I wish i didn't have breasts and a uterus, I wish I didn't look like this, I wish I had a dick, I think I would have been happier as a boy, etc.]". But I'm not sure if I really feel this way. I'm not very good at knowing feelings, I don't know what I'm feeling unless it is spoken in my mind in a flat kind of tone at which point I don't know what's a thought brought on by the people I talk to and the media I consume and what is an actual emotion, what's mine.
Same with sexuality. Do I really like girls? Do I even like guys? I want to try sex but the way I think seems more in theory and as an almost academic exercise. I want to know how it feels, both with a guy and a girl, but I don't know if I actually want sex itself. I can't see myself actually having sex with a real person. I'm not sure I could do it.
And I don't think I can love anyone. Not properly. I don't even know where to begin with it. I tried "dating" someone a few years ago and I couldn't do it, I ended up stringing him along for a year because I couldn't figure out what was wrong and then what I was supposed to do about it. I say the word dating I'm quotes because honestly it was never really beyond a 5 year old's concept of dating, completely because I couldn't let it progress. They're much happier now with someone else who can actually love them and I am in the wonderful position of being their best friend, way closer now I'm not hiding inside myself. In a couple of days time she's probably going to be reading this as I'll send it to him because I'm not sure I can untangle my thoughts like this more than once every few weeks. It's not that I couldn't love them like that, it's that I don't think I can love anyone like that.
But again, I don't know if any of this is real or I'm just "supposed" to feel this way. I feel directionless and lonely even with a couple of incredibly close friends. They get me but I'm not sure they'll ever get me completely because I don't understand myself and I'm not sure I ever will. I'll just end up alone anyway, a failure leaning on the crutch of her friends until they eventually realise how worthless I am, how much I drain them, how I can't get out of my own thoughts and can't manage empathy as well as they need. I feel like I'm supposed to be some kind of demon or vampire. I'm supposed to have fangs and leathery wings and a spiked tail and horns. Something to show them how much I'll hurt them. How inhuman I really am. How nobody should be near me and they should get out while they can.
I'm sure I was happier once. Now I'm stuck numbing myself with other people's music and stories, unable to create anything of my own, living filtered through other people's descriptions of life. I have no hope for myself. I'm sure my friends would be better off without me, but I'm too selfish to act upon that. Sure, me fucking off or dying would hurt them for a bit but they'd be better without me tethering them down. And I'm never going to be truly happy, so what's the point? I'm not going to do anything about it though.
But yeah... who am I? What am I? A girl? A boy? Something else? Straight? Bi? Ace? None of the above? Have I made it all up so I can have a reason for feeling confused or a reason to belong? Is it possible to fool yourself? I don't even know how much of this is coherent, but it's not like anybody is going to read it anyway, and if by some reason you do, I'm sorry for making you get this far through this pile of self-centered self-pitying sludge from the mind of someone with no true problems.
#lgbtqia#maybe?#I don't fucking know#there's something deeply wrong with me#i fear#gender identity#sexuality#A mind that operates purely through the art of others can't have any inherent value itself#can it?#sorry for the self-pitying ramble#I hope nobody actually reads this for their own sake#but for some reason I'm still sharing this#it just goes to show how selfish i am#i guess#I'm going to go and curl up in bed and listen to FOB's Lulluby from the pregap of Folie à Deux now#goodnight#I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about here#as is obvious
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there's nothing I love more than being so unaware of celebrities that I often go "who?.... who the fuck is that?" and people look at me like I'm an alien... i'm like if an autistic person didn't know shit
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SANUSO!!!!!! explodes and dies
#there is something deeply wrong with me and it’s them shaped#sanuso#fanart#art#my art#one piece#god usopp#black leg sanji#sanji#usopp#these are all very loose sketches and you can Tell just. ignore when the clothing wrinkles look weird ok <3
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More warmp ups/ideas for that one AU that is still in the google docs.
#my art#fan art#digital art#cookie run#shadow milk cookie#pure vanilla cookie#candy apple cookie#black sapphire cookie#ohhh the difficulty of portraying two characters who want to reach out but can't for different reasons#and that want to reach out in different ways#man#these two are making me sick.#/pos#something something shadow milk wants to reach out but because of how conflicted his ''self'' is it all comes out wrong#PV wants to be able to reach out physically but is deeply aware that's not going to work#something something I might have teared up in the process of working on multiple parts of that doc.#Soulbond AU
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man i love flowey so much, i don’t think i ever realized just how funny he is when i was a teenager. i love that he save scums. i love that he gets mad when you interrupt his monologue. i love that he talks like an anime villain because he thinks frisk is chara and is playing the world’s longest game of edgy oc playground roleplaying. he has the strongest cain instinct i have ever seen. he projects like crazy. he is an incredibly sore loser. i love him
#don’t get me wrong he is also very tragic and a deeply traumatized child put in a weird undeath situation#experiencing immense grief and his body is now something that is entirely a reminder of that grief#he is a fascinating character. but also he’s funny.#i love when asriel says ‘’maybe i was projecting a little bit’’#like. yeah. just a little
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I think the apple's rotten right to the core
From all the things passed down
From all the apples coming before
#hunter x hunter#my art#killua zoldyck#alluka zoldyck#illumi#sorry to say hes my fav#i just think he looks funny#illumi zoldyck#hxh#hxh fanart#its GOOD TO BE BACK#also shoutout to the history of ancient egypt podcast#i listened to it while working on this#oh i miss taking history#i think something is deeply wrong with me idk tho#fanart
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ended 2 years ago today :( miss her
#soupy post#blaseball#the way i remember exactly where i was/what i was doing when they announced it was ending LMAO#something deeply wrong with me maybe#i only got to experience a tiny bit of it but it was so so so wonderful#and im very glad the community around it is still going#albeit in a bunch of smaller separate bits#but i am there in most of them#and i love u guys all very much 🙂↕️#anyways riv blaseball
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"You think I wouldn't know the smell of my rotting former first mate?" is so insane. imagine knowing someone so intimately that you know the smell of their blood, their decay. imagine smelling rust and copper in their air and thinking that's him. he's still alive, still on board. imagine spending so many years together in such close quarters, seeing each other injured and patching each other up, that just the scent of blood in the air is enough for you to know.
#they make me insane#something deeply wrong with both of them#edizzy#ofmd#ofmd blackbeard#izzy hands#ofmd s2#ofmd spoilers#our flag means death
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relatable

what being a pgr fan does to a person...
#actually this isn't all#i still have about 6000 screenshots to categorize#and most of that is more PGR screenshots#punishing gray raven#there's something deeply wrong with me
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this is what happens when blake (once again) goes autism mode over a character from a franchise he knows of but does not actually watch
i love you forever mr ringading. aka lux imperator. from the new dr who episode. or whatever
#you dont understand#i love him#mr ring a ding#lux imperator#doctor who#lux doctor who#AUUUUGGGGHGHGHHHHHH#something is deeply wrong with me i thinj
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#ds9 liveblog#bashir is really growing on me there is something deeply wrong with him and his puppy eyes
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tiny animation detail from this scene I really like: rook glances towards the locations of lucanis and bellara's rooms (and possibly where they're most likely to be found in this moment?) respectively when they deliver this line!
(honestly I expect that lucanis is hanging out somewhere other than the pantry during this to give everyone in this unfolding catastrophe some space, but consider: it's so much funnier if he IS sitting in the pantry hearing this all go down on the other side of the wall like

taash stomps in with thunder and trepidation in their eyes like 'hey. I need vegetables. can we make vegetables happen.' and lucanis already handing them a lettuce and tomato like i gotchu fam this is literally the only thing I know how to do for you in this situation go with the maker and these salad ingredients I resignedly already know you'll just put on a plate with no dressing no spices no nothing. just the most sleep deprived caffeinated to the point of vibrating gently in place awkward-yet-painfully-well-meaning man in the world standing there before his friend about to have one of the most difficult conversations of their life like '...can I offer you a turnip in these trying times' while rye desperately treads social water out in the dining room to buy time. amazing. our lives really all do touch each other. headcanon passionately embraced)
#I love this scene honestly. it highlights all the ways taash and shathann struggle to communicate#(they are both people who are so exactly. themselves. for good or ill)#and has so many good 😬 moments for rook like they're watching a traincrash happen depending on how you play it#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#taash#lucanis dellamorte#jeff berg's 'then why did you leave' still one of my fave deliveries in the whole game btw. so soft yet so intense#I've been thinking about building out some more parental figures for rye growing up aside from renn (whomst still is DAD don't get me wrong#and I'm thinking a reasonably high-level watcher who rye occasionally gets flashbacks to while talking to shathann...#could add some delicious dimensions to it all haha#like the moment the watchers realized their little crypt baby was a mage there was a mage watcher set to keep an eye on them#because poor renn cannot be expected to deal with all of all of that alone. hello. buddy cop platonic co-parents#making rye into the person he is today (a delight (to me and lucanis in particular) and also deeply deeply neurotic)???#I'm onto something here baby. it takes a necropolis to inadvertantly fuck up a child#hello. lucanis popping his head out from the pantry after shathann leaves and saving rye from having to eat a whole slab of ham#by claiming he is also hungry and could throw something together. true love. partnership. rye clutching him like I owe you my life etc.#also a good thing to imagine taash surrounded by people who love and understand them after that scene#just. it's nice.
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