#there's So much going on with details and textures in a way my brain can't quite puzzle together into something cohesive

[vaguely-concerned]

I think veilguard might be the one game with an unlimited sprint button that I've nevertheless spent the most time gently jogging and walking through. just to like... look at things. hang out. vibe. the environments in this game are so fucking good

[s3thwrit3sstuff]

*pulls the 45 cents I have to my name out of my pocket and drops them on your table*

I can't believe my name will be forever attached to this but one (1) Kenjaku solo session with Heianera!YN portrait, please

❝ life and death will always lead to love and regret (but you have the answers, and I have the key) ❞

Kenjaku x Heain Era!ftm!reader [one-sided] | Heian Era!ftm!reader x Sukuna Ryomen | r! is a curse-user & sukuna ryomen's concubine, NSFW | sub. bottom. reader (AFAB) | NOT PROOFREAD | wc: 4.1K

warnings: creepy/stalker behaviour, Kenjaku is a 'passive'-yandere (in the sense that Sukuna would and will kill him if he tried anything), manipulative behaviour, gore (detailed), Kenjaku jerking off in front of a portrait of r!, very unrequited

authors note: don't be ashamed, Gabriel. I got way too excited writing this and I think that speaks volumes on how I need to get checked, LMAO. On another note - yes, my YN's will always have a harem of men in the JJK-verse because that's what YN (and you, my dear reader) deserve!

I wrote this partially on my phone so bear with me guys...

*song on repeat: Bernadette by IAMX & Rule #34 by Fish in a Birdcage. * YN is described as having long hair because of the heian beauty standard (hair colour and texture not mentioned).

People often compared the years they lived as sand. The hourglass holding it is comparable to the human body. He often thought that metaphor was weak. People — humans — were not hourglasses and their years were not sand. No, no. That’s far too neat for humans.

Humans are messy. They are loud, and chaotic, they defy nature's rules and destroy her for the sake of progress. They had no balance, their compass broke when the synapses in their brains sparked conscious thought.

In that chaos, humans made curses. Or, well, you could argue it who came first but without humans and their silly consciousness — cursed spirits wouldn’t thrive.

People are flesh left under the sun. With their blood drying out, flies and maggots eagerly feast on what they can while the meat greys and rots. That’s a much more appropriate metaphor for a human life. If anything, the hourglass comparison should be used for himself. Constantly turning it over to keep going; uncaring of what kept the sands in confinement so long as it could continue its path.

Down, almost empty, flip, repeat.

Kenjaku had perfected his cursed techniques. He had earned this, he had earned his right to let his curiosities run rampant. He had earned the right to be in the presence of Sukuna Ryomen and you.

“Yuuji, you still owe me for eating my yoghurt from the fridge. It was expensive and it took so long for me to find it!” Nobara huffed. “You might as well just buy some for yourself. I’m labelling my food now.”

Megumi glanced over his shoulder at the lack of reply from the pink-haired boy. Nobara stopping next to him with her brows furrowed, sighing as she looks around for him.

“...I was just talking to myself? Seriously?” she grumbled. Megumi adjusts his grip on the bags. The grocery trips were a good team-building exercise according to Yuuji, a way to get to know each other better. Megumi and Nobara agreed after a particularly harsh mission that aimed directly at their novice team fighting experience.

So far, the results that were yielded from it were found that Nobara had an aversion to pineapples, Megumi had expensive tastes, and Yuuji was very good at budgeting money.

“No, he was right beside you a few minutes ago,” Megumi reached for his phone. Nobara placed her hands on her hips, tilting her head as she continued to scan the crowd.

A gaggle of businessmen came out from the underground train station and between the crowd of slicked-back hair, desperate combovers, and sweaty bald heads, she spotted him.

Tugging on Megumi’s sleeve, she pointed to him. Yuuji was standing and staring up at some sort of vertical banner. As they both approached, they shared a glance.

“Oi, Itadori,” Nobara placed a hand on his shoulder. Smacked it really. He didn’t budge. There was a dullness to his eyes that unnerved her enough to remove her hand. Megumi tightened his grip on his phone as he called out to him again. She took a look at the banner and her brows furrowed.

It was promoting an opening of someone’s private gallery. Some rich kid’s great-great-grandfather’s collection. The painting they used was of a true beauty. A man with long hair, dressed in the finest robes with a serene barely-there smile. It looked to be more European in nature, the art reminding her of the portraits of giant frilly dresses and puffy shoulder sleeves despite the obviously Japanese clothing, accessory, and manner in which the subject was regaled in the painting.

The banner must have costed a pretty penny considering how much detail they could see. Megumi could practically feel the raised textures the artist had used to mimic the pattern of the traditional robe the man wore. The flow of his hair, the texture and pattern it had; and his lashes were surely not that long in reality.

Megumi tore his gaze to Yuuji.

It was like he was in a trance. His mouth was slightly ajar, his brows furrowed and his hands shaking as his knuckles turned white.

“Itadori?”

Yuuji had long forgotten this. This ache in his chest that he sometimes woke up with. When he reaches for the empty space next to him and finds no one. Those moments in the basement when he watches a historical movie and his chest tightens as the nobles courted one another.

“Do you know the painter or something?” Nobara asks.

No, he wants to say. Not the painter. If he knew who it was that did this portrait, he’d tear their heads off their body. But the man? He knew him.

That hellish grin, that perfect face and most importantly those nightmarish eyes.

You’ve seen dolls, right? Those porcelain ones specifically. The craftsmen who make them, the expensive ones with real human hair. To be left on shelves instead of being played with. They would draw these white dots on the eyes, varnish them even, so their eyes would reflect back. A mimicry of humans, that’s what dolls are. But even then, their eyes still twinkled. Not this man. No. It was devoid of light. Pools of (eye colour) and nothing more. These eyes would swallow up any trace of light and diminish the stars from the sky with just a glance.

Yuuji knew him. His soul knew him. His hand clutches over his heart and his friends watch this with trepidation.

It’s been 2,000 years. Sukuna was no longer human and therefore his memory was not as fickle. He still remembers those moments before dawn; the sight of your bare torso breathing softly as you rested next to him. The sun filtering through the windows and making you appear even more ethereal and deadly. How your brows would pinch seconds before you woke. Those soulless eyes that shot through his very soul.

Sukuna could recognize you even if he was blind. He’d be able to hear you just by feeling your chest rumble. If he had to eat one thing for the rest of his life, your body and flesh would sustain him.

In his Malovent Shrine, whilst he sat on his throne, he’d summon his flames in his palm. There he’d watch as your figure danced across his hand. You’d twirl between his digits, a smile across your face as he watches the imitation of you.

It used to be enough. Lately, the action brings him more contempt then fondness. The flames never quite catch your shape anymore. Constantly shifting. That coyness is gone, mini-you petulantly staying hidden behind his fingers. So he snuffs you out in his fists.

He hates you for making him miss you. A King should not be missing anyone or anything. Yet, as his vessel stands here, Sukuna teeters on the edge of breaking the Unbreakable Vow he’d made with the brat just to gaze upon you.

The painter got your resemblance and it was agony for him.

How could he continue to be without you when he’s seen you again? Days ago, he wanted to kill you for making him delirious and now he wants you back in his arms.

“Itadori.” Megumi’s tone is firmer. Nobara smacks his shoulder again and Yuuji jolts forward, nearly falling until his rigid legs quickly come back to life.

“Huh?”

“Are you alright?” Megumi asks, his thumb hovering over the DIAL button of Gojo Satoru’s number. Yuuji glances at his wrinkled shirt and releases it, confusion painted across his face at the fading pain across his chest.

“I...yeah, yeah. I'm okay. I have no idea what that was....”

Rich bodies made life significantly easier.

What was that saying humans used?

Money can’t buy happiness?

Kenjaku chuckles at the thought. Foolish and vain — typical of humans. Clinging onto whatever they can to convince their egos they’re better than most when they’ll all meet the same fate. Kenjaku forgets the exact point where he stopped seeing himself as one of them, but he’s sure anyone would if you’ve lived as long as him. Apathy. Most call it a disease of selfishness. Kenjaku simply thinks they’re lying to themselves.

“Mr Geto?” the gallery was a lucrative endeavour. A piece in his grand scheme that required little effort but great rewards. More personal gain on his end.

“Mr Hajimoto mentioned you specifically in his will. The private room is all yours. Thank you so much for your donation to this fine institution of arts.” Kenjaku offers the man a polite smile and nod. The awkward silence prompts them to open the large doors and Kenjaku is greeted by you.

(Y/N) (L/N). In all your glory. In his favourite colours and his favourite kanza. The bespoke lighting on your portrait makes his hands fall limply to his side. You were a brushstroke away from taking a breath. The colours used to recreate that undertone your skin had, the delicate curves of your lashes and the plumpness of your lip.

The two guards in the corner of the room are a nuisance. But with a simple twirl of his right hand, the Slit-Mouthed Woman makes quick work of them. This curse technique was truly convenient, the mess she made cleaned up by a different curse who laps at the blood with vigor. The noises are all muffled as he admires those vicious eyes.

Just saying your name makes warmth travel down between his legs.

“I’ve almost forgotten how you look like.”

Silence ticks by for a minute.

Then Kenjaku bursts into laughter. Clutching his stomach and covering his mouth as he does. He can still smell your blood. Even if Suguru’s body had never had the pleasure of touching you — Kenjaku remembers it.

The way it flowed out of you like silk ribbons. Warm and wet and virile.

“You are an unusual sorcerer,” those were the first words you said to him. He knows you meant that in a derisive fashion — the curl of your nose was a clear indicator. But that was the day a feverish need was planted inside of his very soul.

You. You. You.

The shape of your face.

The cadence of your voice.

The way the wind carried your scent to his nose.

The sound of your cat-like foot-steps.

The effortless way you carried yourself despite the heavy robes that a revered concubine of your rank would wear, along with the golden hair accessories that would probably break a lesser man's neck.

It didn't stop there either.

Your brain, the wickedness that ran through your very veins and that fire that burns within you. Kenjaku wanted to be inside of you in every he could fathom. To sit within that perfectly shaped skull, to thread his fingers between the locks of your hair and take a scalpel to that skin he so craves to taste. Or perhaps inside in the traditional sense, between your legs, embraced by your warm insides and your deadly arms.

Kenjaku ponders on the time he has. He decides that he should indulge in you. He undoes the robes this body wore and sighs as it reveals the torso. Bodies were all the same but he does appreciate the care Geto Suguru took into his temple — there was no need for shame when he's already desecrated this corpse so viscerally already. His hands travel down his torso and that pronounce v-line and past the patch of wiry pubic hair.

You make him feel young again. Reckless and stubborn. Your eyes watch him as he leisurely spits into his palm and strokes it over the tip.

Evil is such a lame word. So primitive in its nature, another one of human's attempts at letting go of responsibility. If something or someone were evil, they were inherently irredeemable. Humans used to call snakes evil simply for doing what a snake would do when hungry, instead of realising they shouldn't have left the door to their huts opened and their sleeping brat asleep.

Was something evil when it simply did what it was meant to do?

They were simply following natures course.

This act Kenjaku is doing now, is not perverted or evil, he is simply being. Simply living, existing, relishing.

If anything, you were the undoing. The evil. You've made, and continue to make, him lose crave and hunger. You were so cruel, so ethereal — so evil.

Kenjaku groaned your name, walking backwards and dropping onto the low seat the gallery provided. His legs spread and he hung his head down but his eyes remained affixed to your painting.

"He sounds beautiful, Mr Hajimoto," the blonde painter had told him once or twice or thrice. Young but talented, the way he used his brushes on canvas was so impressive and Kenjaku missed you so much (Y/N). He simply had to spread the wickedness of your beauty, immortalize it forever within canvases and lesser non-sorcerers minds.

"Did you know him?" his accent was clunky, the Japanese language tumbling on its delicate legs following the rhythm of the painters voice. Still, he — Mr Hajimoto, Kenjaku — gave him a gentle grin.

"Very well. He was my lover."

The small notebook the painter had written your features down in, it was displayed in this very room as well. In a glass casing, handled with gloves to ensure pesky skin oils wouldn't deteriorate his inked strokes.

Speaking of strokes, Kenjaku's was beginning to pick up it's pace. His smile now looser, like an animal that caught the scent of blood, his tongue curled over his teeth as he imagined the disgust on your face. You'd probably cover your nose with the sleeve of your robe and the thought makes his cock jump; you were wearing his favourite colours and it made him moan.

The notebook was filled with sketches of you. Kenjaku recalls correcting the human, correcting him when he disrupted the harmony of your anatomy. You were the humans muse for years, (Y/N). Even as he neared his death bed, the blonde artist kept drawing you. Sketches lose, your shape less tangible, but hauntingly beautiful. Like your dark flames flowing in the wind. Even as his memories of his life escapes him, the artist remembered you. What a blessing. Kenjaku had visited him before he died and whispered your name into the old man's ear.

Sorcerer Society keeps your name hidden. It's their way of control. Making Sukuna Ryomen more monstrous by telling others he ruled coldly and cruelly alone; death was not as harsh as being erased. They say Sukuna needed 20 of his fingers and his mummified heart to be revived. That's what those poems talked about after all.

A misunderstanding.

The heart was Sukuna's, yes.

But it wouldn't revive him.

"You were so angry," he chuckled out, "so defiant even when I was inside of you."

The sky was blood red, the black smoke making the colour more saturated as it seemed intent on blotting out the sun. Uraume had felt a sudden chill, you did too, and they swiftly rose as the scent of deceit was so thick in the air.

“Uraume,” your voice remained nonchalant. But there was a tenseness in your throat that even they could decipher through the layers of regality. They turned, mouth pressed into a thin line as they went on their knees.

You continued to stare, impassively looking down at the patterned swirl of their snow-white hair. The red and black sky turning the colour of your eyes a pleasantly mournful shade; the golden kanza in your hair that your Lord Sukuna himself had commissioned for you glimmered righteously. The teeth of a beast, the curling of centipede legs, and the melded wings of a raven. It was beautiful just as much as it was unusual.

“You leave your Lord’s prized possession to fend for himself?”

Uraume lips reveal a modest amount of teeth. Their face like a porcelain doll as they raise their head. It makes your heart flutter and squeeze.

“You are stronger than these worms, they wouldn’t dare attack you.”

This is true. A fact. You were strong. 100 sorcerers or 1, 000 sorcerers — it made no difference to you. They’d turn into dust and wither right before you. But it shocks Uraume when you place your palm against their jaw, thumb stroking over their cheekbone as you gaze down at them.

“How horrid it is, making me defend myself.”

They see your eyes soften. It was no wonder you were Lord Sukuna’s concubine. Just being touched by you, looked down upon by you; it makes their spine melt.

“I should have your head for your insolence.”

Uraume apologizes, lips stilling when your thumb presses down on them.

“Return to me. Whole. My Lord Husband and I will not be pleased if you do not. We don’t want weaklings to stand behind us.”

Uraume bows, their lips kissing your knuckles as they do before they raise and disappear from your sight. The screams of terror that are heard outside at the sight of them make you slip your eyes close.

Kenjaku appeared before you what felt like hours later. He looks at the scene with a raise of his brow. Your feet were soaked in blood as bodies were strewn across the wide room. The floor was shimmering, looking as though it was breathing as it creaked from his weight. The clothes the bodies wore painted a clear enough picture — they were your servants. Loyalties were swayed as the fight prolonged. These little ants thought they could save themselves from punishment if they showed these righteous sorcerers your head.

He couldn’t smell smoke and there were no signs of charring. The bodies were mangled beyond belief, guts spilling out, eyes gouged, arms bent unnaturally.

Yet, in the gore and horror, you stood across from him with only your feet stained by traitorous blood.

You were a vision. Delicately wiping away blood from the tiger claw kanza with the sleeve of a dead servant. Then, he watches as you carefully put it back in place atop your hair.

“Kenjaku.”

He bows his head, bending at his waist, then lifts himself up again.

“The Kamo clan, your clan, joined this rebellion. I feel that should be a good enough reason to kill you.” The fire in your eyes makes his heart race. He moves forward, casually stepping over a torn torso.

“That would be unwise,” he gives you a grin. This body of his is new. The stitches are still fresh and red. Most likely a desperate attempt of his to hide away while they destroyed his old body. The corpse is younger, and more plain-looking. Despite it’s Curse Technique being a mystery, you’ll take your chances at strangling him.

“I’ve come at the behest of your Lord Husband. To ensure your longevity.”

Your brows pinch. Kenjaku delights at the creases it creates, tucking away this sight into his memories for lonely nights. Then, you scowl.

“You lie.”

His giddiness is palpable. The wide grin on the corpse’s face is clearly not his own; cheeks lifted too high and smile too large and unnatural. Kenjaku must’ve been a truly ugly man with a truly ugly grin. The body struggles to adjust to this display of amusement.

“I’m not.”

He takes a step forward and you lift your hand. The standstill would’ve lasted longer if it weren’t for the yells and thunderous footsteps clambering up to your room.

“You lie!”

Dark flames roared out from the windows. The heat so smoldering it causes a burst of hot air to knock back the men on the stairs, burning their skin and face. The blood on the floor boils, the iron scent now more acidic as the once fleshy bodies now crumble into dust.

You feel his breathe against the nape of your neck. As you turn, he wrings his arms around you like a snake. One across your stomach, the other around your shoulder. That horrible smile is pressed against your skin.

“Kenjaku,” you growl through gritted teeth.

“That’s right. Say my name.”

Fighting feels a lot like sex.

Kenjaku can feel your passion behind every strike, the bruises you leave behind on his skin are akin to hickeys. When you yell out and scream, cheeks so hot he can feel the rush of blood to your face just from looking — the rapid pulse you have and the way your face is contorted.

Kenjaku pins you down. Your legs are thrown over his own while you gnash your teeth at him and spit insults his way. Your hair was so beautiful, thrown back around your head like a lion’s mane. He slides your wrists above your head and holds them with one hand while the other undoes the meticulous array of folds your kimono had.

Sweat drips down his nose. It’s all your fault. Using your Curse Technique in this room, charring the wood and setting it all aflame. Still, he could work in this conditions.

“Ah,” he moans at the sight of your bare skin. Watching the rise and fall of your chest, licking his lips as he places a hand over your heart.

When you kick at his stomach, he acts like he cannot feel it. When you kick again, this time hard enough for a loud crack to be heard, he looks at you.

“If you kill me, you will break the Binding Vow you and Ryomen had made with me.”

He feels your feet dig into his rib, the spiderwebs of cracks spreading further. He allows this with a pleased hum. Your ragged breathing all at once calms and with a blink, your eyes lose that unbridled fury.

“You dare say my Lord’s name so casually?”

Kenjaku laughs. As he leans down, he presses his forehead to yours. Your nose curls in disgust but you keep your lips pursed. The feeling of his sweat sliding down the sides of your forehead and dipping to travel the side of your nose; threatening to get into your eyes as it slips just beneath it.

“Forgive me, venerable concubine.” Kenjaku does not mean this. When he presses his fingers together and imbues his hand with Curse Energy. He enjoys it.

Slicing through your skin at a pace that made the cut more ghastly then it would be if it was done quickly. You remained stone-faced while Kenjaku chewed on his lower lip, every twitch or squint just fueling his hunger.

He is past your skin and now he sees the yellow, when he twists his wrist you grunt as he slices through the threads of muscles. He spreads his fingers and your teeth part as you let out a strained yell.

"You can be louder if you want," his lips brush against your cheek every time he speaks.

"When I return, I'll take pleasure in ripping your head off your body."

"Threatening me?"

He reaches bone. His finger scratching against it before he peels away and settles between your legs. Your hands aren't pinned but you do nothing but curl your fingers into fists as he shoves another hand into your chest. The squelching and pulsing of your flesh, the bursts of blood from your throbbing veins and pumping heart. The wetness and warmth of your insides. He can feel your body clenching around him, and he convinces himself its because you truly enjoy this depravity just as he does.

The size of his hands in your chest is unbearably uncomfortable. Invading you, filling you when you want nothing more than to burn him, as he moves his digits and wrists within you.

He grasps onto your bones and breaks it under the pressure of his wrist. Your blood is spraying him, staining his clothes.

"Your blood looks like ribbons," he whispers to you, "even your insides are like works of art."

You want this to be over with already.

Your arms move down, eyes still set in a glare. You slip your fingers under the soaked clothing and spread it apart further to reveal more of your skin. Shimmying your shoulders so your torso is now bare of any clothing.

The tent between his legs pressed into your crotch. It's hard to ignore, but you push through and grasp onto his elbow and force him to go in deeper.

"Promising you."

Kenjaku's elbow straightens sharply and he moans as he feels your heart beating in his palm. He pulls it out of your body, panting as your eyes slip close and your heart slows. Beating slowly...slowly...slowly...

Kenjaku moans at the memory of your heart in his hands. Your warm blood coating his skin, drying under his nails and crackling in the creases of his joints.

"I wanted to keep you on me forever," he grunts out as his pace gets faster. "The smell of you, of your flesh."

"I didn't need your body, but it was too beautiful not to be admired."

Kenjaku throws his head back, placing his palm across his nose and lips as he sifts through his memories so he can conjure it all over again.

The painting watches on impassively. The croons and purrs of Geto Suguru's cursed spirits echo faintly in Kenjaku's ears while his hips thrusts into his own fist. It's desperate. He usually isn't like this. Even when he was creating the Death Womb Paintings — even when his plans are so close to coming into fruition.

You make him like this. Make him lose control, every thought poisoned with you even when you're nothing more than a mummified heart hidden so desperately away by Sorcerer Society.

"I've gotten a lead," Uraume had informed him just a few days ago. "They've hidden him in the ocean in an underwater research facility."

"Underwater, hah, they think it'll keep your flames contained. Keep your loyal servant away as if the depths of the ocean is enough to scare them, us — Oh, (Y/N)."

His fist stops and Kenjaku stands, removing his clothing fully as he places a hand against the wall of the gallery. The textured wall, the grooves, give way to his nails as he digs them in. He stares into your eyes, imagining the crease of your furrowed brow and Kenjaku groans out your name as he cums all over the wall.

"...Oh, I can't wait to see you again, venerable concubine."

[xx-j4nu5-c4t5-xx]

"An ideal Sims game would have Sims 2's gameplay mechanics, Sims 3's open world, and Sims 4's graphics!"

I absolutely despise this take, and I want to explain why. This is a very long rant and it is full of piss and vinegar directed at everything in the Sims 4. I'm gonna try to keep everything kinda professional as much as I can but I can't guarantee an unbiased opinion.

If you'll let me talk your ears off for a moment, I'd like to explain, from my own experience as an artist and a casual player, my issues with the art style and direction of The Sims 4 compared to The Sims 2. (I'm not really going to comment on 3 because I've never played it.)

I want to start off by explaining the difference between better graphics and higher resolution. The Sims 4 absolutely blows Sims 2 out of the water when it comes to textures and polygon counts on sims, no contest. But I'd argue that the graphics themselves... aren't better. They're worse, even, so much fucking worse. The biggest problems come from the stylization and the animations, in my opinion, so I'll explain what I mean.

Have you ever felt like the Sims in 4 just look... weird? Not quirky, not kinda strange, but off. Distressing. Uncanny. Whatever the fuck the kids call it nowadays. When you strip away the packs and the CC and the shaders, the sims in the base game look bad. They're very close to being human; they walk like us, talk like us, have families like us, but they don't look like us, not exactly. There's always something off about them, no matter how close you try to get. Proportions will be a bit off, or your eyelashes will be like three polygons for some fucking reason, and the jig is up. The illusion is gone.

This is one of the instances where a higher resolution and more detailed models and meshes work against you. You aren't making believe. You are beyond the point of pretending that the pixelated shapes are real clothes and bodies and faces, because at this point, they're close enough that you don't need to. There's no gap to bridge. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they're lifelike, at least, not enough to be completely human. In some ways, they're still tethered to being cartoony and plasticky and fake. Just enough to frighten you. Enough to put you off. They're not using it to their advantage anymore, and instead, it's holding them back.

When the Sims 2 came out in 2004, the developers knew that they weren't going to make a perfectly accurate life simulator. They physically couldn't render every wrinkle in the face or fold in the clothing. In some animations, things clip strangely or the facial expressions are sort of janky or there's just some form of roughness around the edges. But that's okay; your brain doesn't need a perfectly accurate representation this time. That's not what you're here for, anyway.

The Sims 4 is basically Icarus-ing itself into disaster. The entire game sacrifices style for complete realism, a goal that was unachievable ten years ago, and is unachievable now.

The Sims 2 never thought of itself as a completely realistic life sim, though. It has cartoony, low poly meshes and exaggerated proportions and wild, raunchy storylines that would never occur in real life. BECAUSE IT ISN'T REAL LIFE. And it isn't like real life, not because it's failing to be, but because it doesn't want to be!

The Sims 4 is not ever going to completely replicate human looks or interactions or dynamics. And if it's trying to, it's doing a shit job of it. That shouldn't be the goal in the first place. If I wanted to watch a lonely college student talk to himself in the mirror to try and get better at interacting with people, I'd close the computer and go look at myself. It somehow highlights the most mundane parts of life without any of the whimsy and goofiness that the earlier installments had. It takes itself too fucking seriously for its own good, and it's killing both the gameplay and the art style.

The other point I'd like to bring up is the animation. The Sims 4 allows for much more customization of both sim and environments, but at the cost of dynamic animations. How many times is that grab animation reused? How many times is the same set of animations used for sims with wildly different personalities? Your sims barely feel alive with how little they express themselves.

Now, look, I'm a digital artist. I've dabbled in animation, but only briefly, and only in 2D. I've got no clue how 3D animation works, much less how it worked 20 years ago, but I can see the passion in every single animation in the Sims 2. The more niche interactions allowed for more expressive animations than in 4. They could afford to have a distinct animation for mean sims throwing the football extra hard to be assholes, rather than every sim using the same generic football-throwing animation to save time and money. I get where they're coming from. I get the idea. But in one move, you've both made the art style stiffer and less expressive, and you've made the personalities of the sims seem meaningless. Everyone acts the same, regardless of what their moodlets or their traits say. It's hollow. It's stifled. It's a waste of potential.

But for what Sims 2 lacks in polygons, it makes up for in smaller animated details. Quality over quantity. The sims have hair physics, they open the door before they get in the car, they take utensils out of the counters when they cook, they jump on the couch and the cushions smush under their weight. When they dance, the weight is realistic, and when they smile, it tugs at every one of the few dozen shapes that make up their faces. The sims are lively. They dance and sing and love and hate just like humans, and rather than being some strange attempt at mimicry, it's almost a tribute. They were made with love. You can tell that they were drawn up and rigged and animated by a bunch of people working together, studying each other and making faces in the mirror for reference and watching their kids and neighbors and dogs and hands for reference. The sims are not human, and not trying to be, but they're taking the most human parts of us and making them their own.

You could never have a game with the Sims 4's graphics and the Sims 2's gameplay. The gameplay and graphics are inexorably connected, and the Sims 2 just has so much glorious detail baked into it, that you could never really make it work underneath the limitations of the later games. The developers of 2 knew what their limits were, and they worked tirelessly to make the game as full and complex as they could within those limits. The developers for the Sims 4 just did not have those guidelines, and thus, the drive to bend the rules was no longer there. They didn't go wild in rebellion because they were never told they couldn't in the first place. They spent the entire time chasing a goal they couldn't meet, and lost sight of what made the series fun to begin with.

It wasn't the realism you came for; you had realism already surrounding you. It was the caricature of it that made it interesting.

[akayralylegacy]

EMESIS BLUE IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I EVER WATCHED

Yeah, this is going to be some sort of analysis bc I am having a massive brainrot about this movie and I HAVE to share my thoughts of it somewhere, so I hope you enjoy reading this huge post ig lmao

Btw, if you're a person who doesn't like spoilers... SPOILERS WARNING IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET (and plan to do so)!!!

First, yeah, for those who didn't know I've been really into TF2 since last month, and being a very new fan, I started watching lots of SFMs and vids in a row to catch up with all the memes and lore, and well, I stumbled across EMESIS BLUE. And, it got me caught up with its plot/concept and the overall movie itself SO MUCH that I will never think of TF2 the same way-

No I mean, I know TF2 is more humoristic and stuff most of the time, the canon comics themselves have lots of funny moments of nonsense and weird situations, and not even counting the zillions of memes the community has created, those being pure gold. I love the comedic silliness from the comics and memes, plus the chaotic vibe from the game itself is just so fucking funny and stupid I always burst into laughter

But, TF2...with... horror? That's a combination I never thought I'd like so much. The whole concept of the respawn machine not working like it was supposed to, making them suffer from physical and/or mental problems after each respawn, creating an eternal loop of suffering, breaking the characters' sense of reality, torturing them by having to wait an eternity within some sort of limbo of "afterlife"...bro that's so...so disturbing yet so amazing at the same time. The fact the respawn machine caused Scout to develop brain atrophy, decreasing his IQ score and causing dementia and schizophrenia symptoms, while Medic developed some sort of split personality and schizophrenia as well, and you know that each time they return it will just get worse and worse, even them reckoning it later on. It's...just, it is simply horrifying.

The movie's atmosphere is so well made and constructed that I was tense from start to end, I felt like I was inside the movie, like I was witnessing all the carnage and agony of each one of the characters from up close. Like, there was practically no calm moment during those whole (almost) 2 hours of movie, but at the same time so many stuff happens very quickly, it also seems to go a bit slow but not in a bad way, and the details are shown here and there bit by bit. I like very detailed stories that construct the events based on its slow pace, revealing stuff on its right time, but on the other hand, being mixed with agitation, brutality and things happening in a flash. I hope you can understand what I'm saying? I hope I am being able to explain it well, but I think you get what I mean.

Cinematography wise, everything is stunning. The animation, the effects, the light and shadow, the colors and textures, sounds and background music, everything so well made, if you pay attention you can notice tiny details that make a lot of difference and make it even more agonizing yet thrilling to watch. I was so impressed with it just from the start. I mean, the animation>>>>

The quality being SO. GOOD considering it was animated purely on SFM??? THAT'S SO FUCKING IMPRESSIVE AND JAWDROPPING LIKE THAT'S SUCH A BANGER I COULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT.

Dialogue and quotes is something to be noted out as well. Many dialogues made such impact to the movie, some quotes making more sense later on as the movie progresses. I swear, that moment where Soldier is in a black n white room, with all those skeletons sitting around a table, and the sound at the background is a phone call from Jules to Blutarch, where Jules says: "We have about 800.000 corpses on the site," that line hit me SO HARD I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN. This is SO. FUCKING. DARK AND MORBID BRO I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK

Not only this one but lots of lines caught my attention and hit me so hard, like:

"You ever get the feeling like you're being watched?"

"Doc, I was at the second floor"

"Some get stuck inside trying to come through"

"You don't want to know..."

"It's eternity in there"

"Longer than you think..."

"Who was there to save me, Jules?"

"And I'm giving you exactly what you deserve"

"See you on the other side..."

ISTG THESE ARE SO??? LIKE, THEY HIT SO HARD AND I GOT CHILLS FROM SOME OF THOSE

Also, the voice acting, OOOH THE VOICE ACTING. Some people say it wasn't that good because many characters were voiced by Chad Payne himself, however I think it shows quite a talent from him to voice numerous characters tbh, even if he couldn't perfectly change the voice to fit all the characters 100% it doesn't mean his voice acting isn't good! I think he did an amazing job :]

And all the other voice actors as well, all of them are so amazing and I loved their acting so fucking much, but shoutout to Jazzyjoeyjr (voice of Soldier) and Cameron Nichols (voice of Scout) bc bro YOU DUDES DID A *PERFECT* JOB I SWEAR-

Talking abt moments of the movie that impacted me so much, I think it was Scout's death, and well uh, many Soldier moments tbh. Scout's death scene was agonizing to watch, I was in total despair hearing his screams at the background while Medic was trying to kill Maynard, I was almost having a crisis I was almost yelling of desperation I was like: COME ON MEDIC PLEASE GO SAVE HIM ISTG

It was SO. FUCKING. SAD. AND UNFAIR. I will never get over that moment.

Soldier's moments? Bro, he was the most sane out of everyone, which says a lot... and he was the ONLY one to indeed survive, without dying at any moment. He witnessed it all, the death of his best friend, Fritz shooting himself right in front of him, the pile of bodies, the truth being revealed....everything.

It even saddens me to imagine what could be passing through Soldier's mind after all those events, he seen gruesome and horrifying shit throughout the movie.

So, long-story short, EMESIS BLUE is a fucking MASTERPIECE that traumatized me for LIFE (in a good way), and I highly recommend you to watch it if you haven't yet, I am impressed with it and it doesn't get out of my head I am so fucking obsessed with it ISTG-

[drenched-in-sunlight]

hello hi!!! grfhvhghr i am in love with your artwork so much you cant believe-- i wanna ask if you have any tips on how you lineart and colourpick?? no pressure to answer tho, have a great day/night!! again, love your art <33

hi!! thank you for your kind words!! since i got asked about these a lot, im answering this for all the other ask asking about lineart and colour tips too! You can see some previous post here.

also i could only give out tips that work for my drawing style - which is heavy lineart / colours pop up the line (believe it or not it's American comic book style. ppl cant understand why my art doesnt really look like usual anime/ Asian webtoon style, even though it is still clearly anime / Asian webtoon style, but when i told them it's because im drawing these by studying American comics, no one believes it either lmao.

i do study but i do my own things too, so most of my art inspo is really unexpected to ppl, but they r really where i learn things from, cuz i dont even go to art school TT_TT).

Changing the brush size will help you achieve thick/thin lines better without having to put pressure on your wrists. Keep your hold relaxed and let bigger brush size give you the thick strokes.

I like messy sketch, to me the sketch is just an outline shape to fill details in when i do the line, it also gives more freedom to wriggle as i draw! cuz i dont really plan out everything from the start, just wing it as i go, so a lot of my work is actually very spontaneous.

that leads to this point: when you do the lineart you should start deciding which colour style you want from it to adjust the details amount. the ink shadow blocks in my art aren't there randomly, i adjust them to best complement the shape language and colours.

for piece where i want the line/shadow to...idk hit (?), the colours are almost flat with textured brush adding depth to them, so the inking is the shading, thus there are more details in the lineart / ink blocks.

for the video above and piece like this where i want the colours to be clear and pop out, the use of ink blocks are minimized and i do the shading during colouring process. but! the ink blocks can still make some places pop very nicely! just use in moderation!

when doing the base it's good to keep the colour on the left side of the colour wheel (low saturation), but as you do shading and lighting, try to spread out evenly so it won't look washed out.

toggle around with hue and saturation slider as you go! the key is always adjusting! you're making hundreds of decisions at once, being conscious of your choice in why a line or a colour should be in a certain way will help improve your process a lot! (i think you can tell which art i turned off my brain and just draw for stress relief ........ which is also a valid way to draw and sometimes the result might surprise you! but for more serious stuffs i try to be aware of most of the move i make. it's problem solving, yeah?)

i find that one way to keep your art from appearing too...yellow in the end (which is sth that haunted my ass for a long while) is always aim for cold tone, so if you accidentally make it warm either way in the end it won't be too warm (and yellow :cry:)

well that's all the stuffs i can think on top of my head. sorry i can't give more advice on colour picking cuz it's sth i don't really know how to give advice on???? i think my colours now are still pretty lame haha........ if there are still any questions i'd gladly answer within my ability, though im very slow to answer ask ( i do read and be happy at all of them tho!)

[heymrspatel]

✨Weekly Tag Wednesday ✨

i was tagged by @jrooc @stocious @michellemisfit @thepupperino @doshiart @sgtmickeyslaughter @gallapiech @blue-disco-lights @mmmichyyy @lingy910y @pookiebearmick @gallawitchxx @energievie and @gardenerian thank you lovelies!

Name and A03 handle: julissa | heymrspatel

Current Location: on my couch, slowly melting into the cushions. i'm so tired.

Favorite picrew (don't have one? you can skip this or do this one)? these two for sure! i think they capture my vibe well lol one & two

What's one thing you want in a picrew? ah! well, since i often start them i have a list of things that i usually look for to make sure that they're inclusive. sometimes i forget to check for certain things and then i'm annoyed lmao.

but ideally: big selection of skin tones, undercuts, the option for tied hair, short haircuts, different types of hair textures and colors, facial hair, scars, and big big ups if there's an option to change face shapes! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

for me though: curly hair and big blushy (and fangs if available)

Favourite thing you’ve created (or seen created) for the fandom? oh this is hard. i'll say, fluffy art: "doesn't matter where we go man", spicy art: "i need you to touch me"

Why is it your favourite? fluffy: because i went crazy with the details. i love that it tells a story. i love the colors i used. i love that pane of them watching the sunset. i love hands - hand on thigh, hand kiss, hand under shirt.

spicy: so. much. skin. i love all the positions i put them in. i love how it's sensual and teasing but you can't really see any of the "action" haha. tongues and chain and bruising. i love hands - hand in mouth, hand on neck, hand in hair.

Did it come easily or was it hard to create? HARD! lmao everything i make is hard to me. some things come easier now, but i really do drag my limp body all the way to the end.

Last ao3 fic you commented on? "keep you by my side" by biblionerd07!

Biggest WIP heartache you’ve ever experienced? ...things beyond mistake. i'm glad most of us are on the same painful page.

Favorite trope or head cannon you like included in a fanfic? i love friends/fwb to lovers and slice of life and outsider povs! also, only one bed or when they get stuck somewhere alone. ooooooh and i LOVE a good texting fic!

Least favourite? eeeh very iffy on the kid fics, depends on the writer. or mpreg. or big deaths.

Secret or surprising kink or trope? idk that anything's a secret? i'm out here giving you guys full visuals during kinktober...

Describe how you feel after you’ve created something new? ah- very vulnerable. accomplished but nervous. i literally post and run away.

Top hype man you have that always helps you get across the finish line: i usually keep whatever i'm working on under wraps for no reason other than i'm self conscious! but @whatthebodygraspsnot always cheers me on and is the most supportive and sends me the most eloquent keyboard smashes to keep a girl going!

It's been a bad day, you turn to the fandom and you _____? scroll through tumblr and, when my brain is cooperating on reading (it hasn't been), turn to my comfort fics!

i'm skipping the tag cause i'm late and i'm feeling weird! but i hope everyone's having a nice night/day/time zone!! 💙

[nomsfaultau]

dunmeshi and sbi!fault :DD

I did briefly consider writing a normal sbi crossover cause ohhh my God it would be good. Honestly Laios did bleed into my Techno in Worth far more than your weight in gold cause Techno also gets into that hyperfixation on creature details (although in a lot more 'to kill them better' way). They are ON that grindset. Although polar opposites on Techno 'eating the same potato recipie for 12 months' vs laios 'new dish every meal'. The Blade is such a lazy cook see: cooking headcanons. Laios would openly speculate on how his meat differs from actual pork. And Wilbur would start explaining the flavor profile/texture difference very accurately to everyone's fascination/horror. The Blade also straight up doesn't know Chilchuck is part of the party because he's so tiny he's like 100% in The Blade's blind spot. Like yeah he can smell and hear him but he just keeps forgetting Chilchuck exists. Also confused that the orphan meter isn't pinging but whatever. Marcille constantly bribes him to get access to his long luxurious mane. Senshi is cool with him bc he's familiar with orcs.

I think Senshi and Philza share one brain cell in that regard. Agressively taking care of everyone else. Cause you cannot tell me Philza hasn't seen so so so many people starve to death in famines...not so much worried about cannibalism. Also. Technically Philza isn't in the mental place for more adoption (read: he's mentally stable rn), but it would be soooo funny if he looked at Chilchuck and was like. Another child? Baby? But that's mostly because I love tormenting Chilchuck so very very much. Probably radiating disappointment the second he finds out Chilchuck is not really in his kids life that much currently due to the adventure. Appreciates Marcille's fireballs and black magic. Philza cannot distinguish between Izutsumi and 14 yo Wilbur that's just the same kid.

Wilbur ADORES all the food omg yes this is fantastic. And Marcille is cringing as it eats increasingly inedible dishes and sarcastically teasing her for not eating it. But Wilbur CANNOT handle Laios 'man I wish I was a monster' like he just can't he will punch Laios if he tries that. Him and Izutsumi have the nastiest kvetching sessions it's fantastic. Instant bonding over being distrusting brats that are desperate to be human. Cannot fathom the picky eater thing. Likes how paranoid Chilchuck is, although Chilchuck is convinced a mimic is going to pop out of its head at any time.

Tommy gets even worse dish duty than normal, but these crazy adventurers like. Are really amazed about his power? About how it can be used to sanitize stuff?? Like passionately going on about the health implications and Tommy is just staring at his hands as a wholesome anime monologue is happening in the background while he's having flashbacks to murder. [Marcille and Tommy would be most insufferable duo imaginable. I think they’d constantly butt heads given how bossy yet insecure both of them are. Tommy would eat mud in front of her and Marcille would have an aneurism. And he’d blow a fuse about her thinking he’s essentially a toddler by elf standards. however. Tommy would be extremely encouraging of her explosion magic to a degree that would cause structural damage to the dungeon.] Tries to show off and impress Izutsumi because GIRL!!1! And is very cringefail about it, she and Wilbur team up to bully him. He thinks Senshi is weird and groans about having two Philzas. Constantly riling Chilchuck up about his height.

Tubbo is like thank God normal people who aren't crazy murderers at first. And then decides they're all weirdos but not Problematic to the degree of Fault crew peoples. Thinks Marcille's magic is freaking awesome, and helps her control her meat dragon homunculous guys a lot better. Grand/kid talking with Chilchuck. uhhh ngl having trouble with Tubbo for some reason lol.

Also. On a very big note I think the world building re: monsters could lead to massive angst and tension between the groups. Especially with things like Laios crossing lines on 'humanoid monsters' as food. Like the entire group is constantly talking about eating monsters, and for the Fault crew that's very dehumanizing, racist, offensive, traumatizing, etc. Very high chance they end of fighting each other, however, the funny dynamic trumps all so that's what I went with.

[unlucky-rose]

pspsps heyyy you made sprite edits for your oc right ⁉️ unless im misremembering in which case tjis is gonna b embarrassing af but UM

h. i don’t know how to do sprite exits do you have any tips ?? or something ??? i wanna make my own for another blog

Yeah I did! I kinda forget I don't really post about it on here that much bleh

Okay! So, first I think you gotta decide what game you wanna base your sprites on. I picked DR2 so most of my advice is gonna be based on that game- but each game has a slightly different way of making sprites (though DR1&2 are more similar). For example, DRV3's sprites are usually more detailed and use thinner lines compared to DR2.

Ex:

I use multiple DR2 characters as bases, but it's mostly for body position- and hands... grr

For shading, I picked a light grey color and used the multiply filter for the clothes, hair, and eyes, but for the skin, I used a lighter skin tone so there was more color to the skin. Fold shading is a bit odd, so keep in mind where your light source will be for the sprite (for all sprites it's either on the right or left).

The sprites can help inform where you need to put folds and shading, but honestly sometimes just wing it and draw them where it feels right (or look at irl references).

For hair, you're going to want to group them into sections and divide them by a few lines. With Chiaki above, she has rectangles of hair that are split up by shorter lines (front hair) and dividing lines (back hair). This isn't a hard rule (I mean look at Hajime and Komaeda), but multiple characters do have this detail and it gives the appearance there are more hair strands. Also, shade along these lines.

Eyes are another thing. Every character has unique eyes. Girls typically have eyelashes, but again not a hard rule (shuichi 💙). Also, the line of shading over the iris is always near the pupil (slightly above or below). It's really up to you how you wanna draw your character's eyes otherwise!

Referring to game sprites will help in general, but fan sprites can also give inspo if you can't find what you're looking for in game sprites.

Almost forgot to mention that the sprites are kinda messy if you take a closer look! Honestly I think they may have just cleaned up messy sketches to make the line art, but I forget to do that myself cause my brain wants perfect lines. So you can definitely shortcut sometimes and be messy. If it was good enough for the official game, it's good enough for tumblr ^^

Here's the texture I use to overlay onto Nitsumi's clothes and hair, you may wanna adjust the size and compare it to DR2 sprites.

Also in case you use ibispaintx, I use this brush, 0.3-0.4 for smaller details like hair and folds, 0.5 for the outer outline of a character.

Good luck! Tag me if you post them! :D

[korolife]

Blog No.002🍋　24年5月4日

「Working on My Very First Miniature Kit!」

Hi, this is a behind-the-scenes on my experience in making the Corner of Happiness: Taste of Life DIY miniature kit!

It was from a couple of years ago, we found a stall selling miniature craft kits while strolling around the mall. My sister bought me the very same model I've been eyeing on my online shopping cart as a birthday present.

Me and my sister both love miniatures since we were very young, but making them from scratch require a lot of time, materials, and tools we don't really have (especially if you don't want them to look crudely made). Luckily, now with a Do-it-yourself kit, that wasn't going to be much of an issue! ...or so I'd hoped as a miniature newbie.

These are all the other variants of this series. I really dig the pink bunny aesthetics they're going for, though it's not as apparent on this one.

The kit also included custom wooden parts, wires, beads, and a tool kit necessary for the build. It also comes with an acrylic glass for dust-free casing!

Most of the parts were made from a print-out glossy paper with all the items' photo-real textures; some of which are just to be pasted onto a harder material like wood shaped similarly to the object, but most of them are just the paper itself.

I guess doing it this way cuts costs for manufacturing, but it was very challenging to work with, in my opinion. You'll see what I mean in a bit.

And here's a preview of the instruction booklet's contents.

I thought it was worded weirdly at parts, but still understandable enough with plenty of visuals to go with it.

Starting with the base/foundation of the model before anything else seemed to be the best option... though I was very, very tempted to skip to work on the food items. I don't know why, but miniature food just gets me really giddy.

But, gotta hold backーcan't make food without the oven and all.

I then worked my way through the biggest parts and set them down permanently with the paste provided in the kit.

...but I probably shouldn't have glued the kitchen island in place before placing the handles...aiyah one of them is really crooked-

I'm not familiar with wirings, so setting up the LED lights made me panic a little. But somehow, it all worked out! I'm confident that if an idiot like me can get through this, so can anyone!!

And now I present to you: The Paper Struggles™

+ and a "It's so fakken small" compilation.

The booklet is a lie lol that knife .jpg is 5x bigger than what you've got to work with-

I remember both bread toasts being squished from the tweezers... thankfully tiny enough for anyone to really see, but there's definitely a shtload of dents on there...

The wire handles for the mug was such a struggle lol it kept falling off no matter what, so I just kept adding glue and just... held on to it with pressure against the bead for what felt like eternity until it dried completely.

I also remember struggling with the semi-origami flowers quite a bit, but I think the trauma of it all made my brain forget to take photos-

Next up are the wires. I never really considered it before this kit, but they can actually have a lot of use when it comes to making miniature furnitures and accessories.

This was unfortunately before I got into making earrings, so I didn't have the right tools (pliers) to straighten them out. The very thin tweezers that came with the kit didn't help that much, so I just had to use my fingers.

The results... are as wobbly as the hands that created them lol I've learned my lesson...

that incomplete circle pains me so

And here we have my favorite partーthe food! All the tiniest of detailing, the garnishing, the arrangements... it just makes me so happy, I really don't understand why.

The original instructions only intended the oranges to be on the chopping board, but not in this household!!!

Oh, and the oranges were sliced up polymer clay rolls that I know are popularly used as nail art? Me and my sister used to sell polymer clay accessories back in the day and it felt very nostalgic seeing those tubes again.

And here we have the finished model! ☆

I made a few changes from the original intended 'look' + added a couple of my own beads from my hoard material collection from childhood I planned on using for when we started making miniatures... and the time for use was most certainly now!

Aaand here's a bird's eye view before completing with the dust-free acrylic glass encasing top lid.

～ CONCLUSION ～

Overall, I thought it was really fun, despite the unforeseeable challenges along the way. Even as a newbie with little to no experience working on actual builds + with only the enthusiasm and love for miniatures to desperately cling to when the damn wires wouldn't stick on their corresponding surfaces properly... it seemed to turn out pretty OK!! I expected a whole lot more screaming and dying inside lol If you're interested in getting it, I think simply searching up "Corner of Happiness" or "Taste of Life DIY miniature kit" should get you some results on your preferred online shopping platform! ※NOTE: I do have to stress to make sure to check (either through other user reviews or the listing's description) if the seller is including a tool kit in your purchase. A lot of the items included in this kit you can probably find at home, but not a lot of people are so crafty to just have them lying aroundーespecially if you're a complete newbie with crafts/miniatures! You'll have a hard time trying to wing it without tools. ※also, they might just skimp on you by not including them, but still have you pay for the full price lol it's definitely worth considering when purchasing.

I know a lot of parents may see these kits to buy for their kids, but unless ➀ they're also helping out the kid in the process or ➁ if the kid in question has no interest or patience for these kind of things, I think it's best not to buy them DIY kits like these if you don't want to risk wasting money. But that's just my opinion, as a broke adult who's always wanted one of these haha

The amount of care, effort, and attention to make sure everything is sturdy enough and visually clean can be very drainingー but if you're willingーanyone can do it!

And of course, a final very cool look on LED lights turned on at night.

This project was done around 2022年. I've done one more miniature kit since then that was way more complex, but that's a whole 'nother journal entry for another day...

For now, here's a mini update of how this Taste of Life is hangin' after two years have passed:

please don't mind Mr. Gamma side-eyeing you in the BG-

The batteries for the LED unfortunately need replacing and one of the wire chairs kind of died a bit, but it's still alive + currently displayed and part of my makeshift not-all-Shounen Jump Manga corner! I might make a separate blog about that too...

But until thenーthanks for reading ( ´ ꒳ ` )⸝ see you in the next one!★

[rabbivole]

i made a video of avbar1 with a longer clip but this website can't post video anymore so the tab crashed. which is funny given that roadtrip has succeeded on its last ~4 video upload coinflips. i'll put it on youtube unlisted tomorrow or something

anyway man i need to talk to somebody who knows more than me about what state tfc is in. because it's clearly not the ~2004 executable in some small and subtle ways, so i FEEL like they've changed it, but i don't know how. they've been doing small patches over the last decade or so, mostly security fixes, but i don't see anything larger than that. it's weird shit like 'i'm not sure it's calculating visleaf culling like it used to, because i can now see this area through the skybox that i know wasn't visible when i was a kid'

anyway hey, that archive has a house i submitted to a community neighborhood christmas map, look

got a satellite dish on the treehouse (for internet) and a christmas light texture i painstakingly edited in paint shop pro. not animated. i think i figured that out later but it was even more of a pain in the ass in goldsource than it is now

made those present textures in paint shop pro too. a fish tank with no fish (but it bubbles sometimes). and the most fucked up brush star i've ever seen in my life. look, times were different then, i didn't know about things like 'vertex grid alignment' and making models to go in your map was something only the truly cool kids knew how to do

got a glass of water by the bed. important. i have always been weirdly hung up on small details like this, apparently

and... whatever this sink situation is here. i had to take a minute and put myself into my precocious child brain and remember that, well, a treehouse wouldn't have plumbing, so in my swiss family robinson dreams i'll just put a water cooler in my treehouse. i thought about this stuff way too much as a kid. you can also turn a stove on and climb into it and die instantly. the fridge opens but there's no fridge light. smh

based on the modified date on the bsp, i think i would've been 11 here. there's a sign out front with my old [very explicitly feminine-gendered] username on it which i made a choice not to take a picture of and i can't really explain why. i have more or less posted my legal birth name and have no particular animosity towards that but this feels more invasive somehow. possibly because there's a very real chance you could dig up my Sonic Krazy Kult-ass posts. because i was posting on the internet when i was like, 9. although [TWO DECADES OF MASS INTERNET DEVELOPMENT] later that's no longer abnormal

[asillygoofyguy]

Any advice?

Im not sure how many people this will reach but I'm hoping to find some help. I believe I have hyperfantasia, meaning I can picture things in my mind with extreme detail, to the point when I am looking around, I can put whatever I see in my mind into my physical vision, just a little transparent. I can also recall and even make up smells, texture, sounds, and visuals very clearly. As an artist this can be super helpful when I can picture things like this, makes it easier to create physically, but it can also make some daily tasks much harder for me. I've always found horror to be very interesting and cool, but I get scared pretty easily, and visual scares or scary things will stick with me for hours or days and keep popping up in my head in extreme detail. My brain will also make up horrifying things on its own once I'm scared, again in extreme detail, and this only inflates the problem. This just goes on and on until I am very scared to go down my hallway, walk past or look at mirrors, walk past windows with or without the curtains drawn, turn corners, and even just walking past something like my bed that has space underneath. It's worse when it starts to get dark outside, obviously, the dark is always scary, but this anxious state I'm in makes it hard for me to do things I need to do in the evening, take a shower with the curtain closed, brush my teeth, changing into pajamas, heck even just standing in ways where I can't see the whole room. It's just become rather annoying honestly, especially when even after my head is no longer making scary things up, I'll stay in the anxious state for a while, looking around all the time, checking behind me, it's just tiring. I'm only in my late teens and I'd hate for this to get worse as I get older, who knows maybe it'll get better. But if anyone has any advice on how to stay calm and remind myself that it's only in my head and keep myself from getting so anxious, it would be greatly appreciated.

[sincerely-sofie]

Check-in for October 27th, 2023

I spent 3 hours straight working on a single assignment that was meant to take half as long as it did. It took all my brain power to complete it, and I couldn’t get much tangible work on personal projects done as a result. Still got some planning done for business stuff, though. And I’ve been gathering inspiration and references for my dating sim / visual novel project.

The visual novel doesn’t have a premise yet, but I’m building up some creative guidelines to help me generate ideas. I also am planning out some scope limits to keep the size manageable. With NaNoRenO coming up in March, I’m hoping to get all the prep work done at a leisurely but consistent pace over the next few months, then finish up the project over the course of March. That’s very wishful thinking, but you know what they say: “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” And if my wishing and daydreaming about goals is given the planned-out structure of a checklist and schedule, I can maybe, possibly, hypothetically complete this game.

I still need to think of a premise, though, so I better get cracking on that.

I’ve had a few ideas for visuals styles— like making scrapbook-y visuals with collages, journaling ephemera, and paper textures scanned in from real life, combined with actual photos for backgrounds. I’ve also had ideas for atmospheric flair, like typewriter noises playing whenever characters “speak.” Not sure if any of these would appear in my final product when I don't know what the story would even be, but I am very excited either way!

After doing some research on different visual novels, both ones I've played and ones that I've wishlisted or thought looked cool, I've tentatively decided I want to make a wackier sort of visual novel--- one that would preferably be a dating sim of some kind, but I'm not picky. I once drafted the ground work of a cryptid dating sim as a teenager where romance-able options included an angsty gray alien, a spoiled rich boy lizardman, a reverse-spiderman situation heroic vigilante mothman, and an eldritch god named Paul. That project is definitely too big for me to make with my current skillset and patience, so I can't take it on as a project quite yet--- but I can dream.

I'm tempted to make a dating sim based on some OCs in a setting I mentioned previously that is populated by bug people, but that's pretty niche, and I'm honestly not too sure if there's an audience for that sort of thing--- especially if it's essentially an extended inside joke with myself. Even so, I am tempted. So very, very tempted.

One day I will make finalized art of these characters, and everyone will know why they're peak examples of blorbohood.

That being said, I have other ideas that could be adapted to a visual novel or dating sim. One of them involves a tech enthusiast whose computer gets possessed by a malware demon, another details the player going on a blind date with a stereotypical "Hero of Prophecy" fantasy character, and another one is a playable bedtime story. I'll spend some time going through the archives of concepts and try brainstorming some new ones. Still going to need to take it easy for a while--- I've got a busy month coming up with NaNoWriMo, and I don't intend to burn out ahead of that--- but I'll be working on the concepts and required research at a gentle pace!

Seriously, though, fingers crossed on the possibly-completing-a-game thing! I finished a pilot / minimum viable product of an RPG titled Momther a while back and it made me realize I had the chops to actually enjoy game dev as a hobby--- I just have to stay focused and committed, ADHD be darned. If I manage my health well, both mental and physical, that should be nice and doable. I got this!!! Kinda!!! Hopefully!!!

Sincerely, Sofie

[superman--yoosung]

hi your matchups say they're still open, i hope this it okkk!! i'm 🐇

• i have no preference towards gender but i don't like super masculine characters

• i don't really use pronouns but she/her, ver/vers, it/its are ok. fem presenting but with androgynous swag. beautiful in a girlprince way

• adult character from genshin! only recently turned 18 though haha. no tighnari or childe pls!

• i loove fashion (designing it, studying it, wearing it), idols, rabbits and deer, sewing outfits + plush dolls and creaching around at night. i haate loud, messy people and lots of textures (i'm autistic). i hate the sunlight! terrified of dogs IRL but i'd be a collie or black german shepherd.

• i'm mostly quiet (INTP), i have no control over my tone/filter so i get people saying they thought i hate them/i look angry a lot. air-headed, very low attention-span and "bimbo" tier. clumsy most of time/i dont look at what im doing. i love acting valley girl or like a malnourished bimbo (idk). i'm like a dog with the personality of a cat. beliefs.. don't be a freak idk .. don't kill ppl and i will be judgmental if i don't like your vibes.

• i think i'd have electro vision just because i get it a lot on quizzes. i also connect to it the most aesthetically. id love a sword and id have a vv elegant/pretty fighting style ..

• personal flaw erm there's zero connection between my brain and mouth so i can't really communicate much of my real feelings (esp affection). i also struggle to connect with ppl!! i'm mostly disconnected 90% of the time so it's very hard to truly love (romantically or platonically) someone for me!

• i'm 162cm... vampire to the extreme i'm 100% a vampire if im in genshin.. very strict on skincare and how i look (sensitivity issues). OR half-deer.. or half-rabbit.. My personal aesthetic is ouji/lolita, victorian/gothic themes of Black Butler and The girl from the other side.. Dark fantasy/dark academia.. LOL

i'm TERRIBLE at giving affection and words of affirmation. i love words of affirmation though and i realllly jus want someone equally as love with me/if not more

Hello 🐇, nice to meet you!! Your matchup was challenging because I kept doubting my choices, thinking, "Wouldn't this or that character's design be a texture/sensory nightmare, though??" which is a really silly thing for me to get caught up in, of all the many factors involved. (But in my defense, all the characters have SO MUCH going on in their outfits haha!!)

Your matchup is.............................

KAZUHA !!

Meeting under the cloak of darkness once or twice could merely be considered coincidence... By the fifth time, however, Kazuha was certain: it was fate that continued to bring the two of you together.

To those unfamiliar with the elusive duo, a relationship such as yours might seem threadbare - after all, since you only made your appearance when the moon was at its highest, and Kazuha drifted from place to place like a leaf in the wind, it seemed unlikely that you would ever cross paths in important ways. But you both knew differently. Naturally, even the smallest of actions, a singular drop in a pool of water, becomes a ripple whose rings inevitably grow in meaningful ways.

This is how Kazuha views your relationship: subtle, and all the more beautiful for it.

Fun details:

It will not take too many meetings for Kazuha to find you endearing. He's observant, so the nuances of your interactions will linger in his mind long after you've left. He'll enjoy learning about you and your mannerisms! He will always be respectful of your boundaries, too - and with his sharp mind, he can often tell if you're bothered without you having to verbalize it. (He'll ask, anyways, though, just to be sure.)

Kazuha admires your abilities and passion in subjects you enjoy. Many of the evenings you spend beneath the moonlight or on cloudy days are filled with discussions that jump from topic to topic, sharing your interests with one another. Kazuha is an eager listener, so feel free to share your passions to your heart's content! He will remember most every word. But when you're feeling quiet or have nothing to share, he can fill the silence with his charming words - though quiet companionship is also enough, too.

Of course, he knows how clumsy you can be, but as long as he's around, the wind will keep you steady on your feet. If you're comfortable with physical touch, he'll reach out to balance you, or let you hold onto him. If not, he'll do his best to verbally warn you of any uneven terrain or obstacles in your path you haven't noticed.

You two are THE definition of elegance in battle. Kazuha can swirl your electro abilities, making potent reactions. And as sword users, you can both keep your skills sharp by practicing together!

If you ever give Kazuha one of your creations, it will almost instantly become one of his most treasured posessions. He will do his best to keep it safe from harm on his journeys - though the wear and tear clothing might get from constant use is, in a way, a sign of how much he loves it. (Please forgive him if the clothes or plushies do see some light damage, though; the mercenary life is not always kind.)

Once you've become closer, Kazuha will bring you gifts from his travels. They're mostly small things that remind him of you: a carving of a rabbit, some medicine for your most recent clumsy tumble's resulting scratches, a paper umbrella from Liyue to help block out the sun. Whatever he sees that he thinks would interest you or that you might find use for in your day-to-day life, he'll get. If you dislike any of them, he takes no offense to that, either - he'll quietly store the details of what you disliked about it in his mind for reference the next time he gets you something.

You want words of affirmation? Oh, boy, does he provide! It's actually rarer for him to not slip a compliment or reassurance into your conversations. He'll take any chance he can to remind you of how much he treasures your company, and should you decide to pursue a romantic relationship with him, how much he delights in giving you affection (and being the recipient of yours, in whatever ways you deign to give it.)

He will write the most stunning of poems with you in mind, string dozens of haikus together with your name as inspiration. And, in the quiet company of only you and the moon, he'll whisper words of devotion, of loyalty and hope.

Kazuha, if asked to point to the one thing he loves most about you, will laugh at the inquiry, shaking his head. How can one point to a cloud in the sky and call it superior to the others around it? Kazuha thinks all of the things that make you unique are inseparably what he loves you for. To ask him to pick one is to ask the impossible of him. Still, if it was you who pressed him for an answer, he might relent, and tell you this: your very presence, right here beside him under the nighttime tapestry of midnight blue and flickering stars, gives him a sense of belonging, makes him think that - yes - there are things far greater than a life of wandering... and they can all be found within the depths of your eyes.

~~I feel like many writers default to Albedo when someone mentions difficulty expressing emotions, and while I do love him for you too (for other reasons), I thought Kazuha would be better with words of affirmation and understanding what you may leave unspoken. I almost went with Rosaria or Yelan, also, as you both could be creatures of the night together (lol), but I hope this matchup is satisfactory!

[dolphs-world]

Cars vs. Monsters, Inc.

Monsters, Inc. is better. Monsters, Inc. has such a unique concept, the most unique out of its contemporaries, and a surprisingly deep theme around the electricity company, the emotional moments hit harder, the jokes are the funniest out of any Pixar movie, John Goodman, Billy Crystal, and Steve Buscemi is some of the best casting in general, and besides some of the textures (which is depressingly true for Monsters University as well) the animation holds up completely. The only thing Cars is better at is cinematography and direction, which is something not generally talked about in 3D animation films. Cars has a much deeper understanding of the language of cinema with its action scenes, montages, and editing. Cars is still a decent movie and, like the other first 11 movies, has deeper themes than American kids animation in the decades prior and after but the best aspects of Cars come from reading into the film. The story and moment to moment scenes are serviceable but the gesturing towards the erasure of smalltown America and the death of Paul Newman and Joe Ranft allow a deeper reading of the film. Cars is definitely the weakest film of those original 11 and doesn't hold a candle to Monsters, Inc. but it gets a lot of unfair criticism. A while back I talked about the idea of Cars' "Lazy Worldbuilding" and how it is false and a product of adults reading to deep into it. Not everything needs a complex and unique world like Dune, it's a representation of our world because it is a kids movie and it is a means to an end. Kids like cars more than humans in movies. This past week I've been thinking about the opening of Monsters, Inc., specifically the rhythm of the line deliveries. It's interesting the things that have been permanently etched into my brain and this opening is one of them. The lady saying "bup bup bup, ah" and "becaaaaauuse" and later Mike Wazowski speaking calmly then yelling than an airhorn to wake up Sully and then John Goodman's yell. So I decided to rewatch the opening and holy crap is it effective. The little 2D opening sequence, the bait and reveal, Mike and Sully starting their day. And the exposition is so effective. This is a performance review so no one is going to question them questioning each other about the way the world works. Mr. Waternoose's presence and how he demonstrates scream power in 2 shots is phenomenal, it should be taught in school. Monsters, Inc. may have the most effective opening in demonstrating how the world works. The next scene is Mike and Sully walking to work with little gags about how the world itself works. I love the detail of the door being a two for one, one for Sully and one for Mike. And then the cherry on top is Sully twisting the small door knob into the larger door, showing how the door works, and then shutting it completely, further demonstrating Mike and Sully's contrasting personalities. Then there's the scream shortage causing them to walk, Big Eye, the kid with the tongue being used as a skipping rope. But hold on, some monsters can sneeze fire so shouldn't newspapers be flame retardant? How can Ted live here, he doesn't fit in frame and I didn't see any houses big enough in the city? And sewer grates so that jelly monsters can lose their bodies? This is now actually shitty worldbuilding because it doesn't account for everyone's needs and just isn't practical. Do you see how silly that sounds? The point of those little additions is that their jokes. There are differences between monsters and humans so we're showing you via human concepts like sewer grates and newspapers and how they wouldn't work here. Monsters, Inc. doesn't get this bad-faith criticism because it's a way more beloved movie than Cars. "I don't like Cars but I have to pick apart every aspect of it and rationalise it so I sound smart and because I can't just admit that the story and characters just aren't that effective, there has to be something more for my distaste otherwise people may not respect me". Understand why something is effective beyond picking apart every little detail.

[toldentops]

16 and 29 for the artist ask

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

Hmmm.............I can't say I'm "good" at backgrounds nor can I say that I have "fun" with them, but when I do pull off backgrounds I tend to be pretty happy with them. I think it's more of the mindset of actually deciding to do a background in the first place, it isn't something I intuitively gravitate towards if I sit down to draw something.

Also, funnily enough, doing the lineart if the piece isn't super detailed. I dread doing it if it's right in the middle of being simple and complex, where there's not enough lines or texture going on to make doing the lineart fun or interesting. I still think that linework is one of my stronger art skills!

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

Probably the live action films that I watch and enjoy! Something like Baby Driver where the main appeal isn't from the visual style. This question is hard because I grew up watching primarily animated films where the art choices and style tends to be much more distinct, so it sticks in my brain way more often. I think media where the art style isn't something I could find myself drawing also counts. Like, I love Hades, but the characters seem really hard to draw and "get right", so it's not something I really draw inspiration from in terms of art style.

[just-1other-nerd]

Well, my therapist canceled our appointment this morning because she's sick which sucks for the both of us.

So I guess I'll vomit out my feelings and messed up thoughts here because where else can I put them now?

There are mainly four observations I want to talk about:

First of all I'm thinking a lot about my bullying trauma lately, like remembering how unwell I felt, remembering what my former class mates did to me and how the ones I meet again act like they never did me any harm. I remember pranks, insults and manipulation. But it is even worse that there are moments like that 5 day school trip in year 7 where I know something happened and I ended up being called a monster and I don't even remember all the details because I just repressed those memories. I wouldn't call myself the most forgiving person like I have lots of grudges because of smaller things, so whatever happened must have been really bad if I can't remember it. I'm sure I said lots of bad things back to those people too, because hurt people lash out. I think I wished this one gaslighter to get brain damage once and I regretted it and regret it now. My mum once told me that for her it was like I came home from war instead of school. A saw a insta reel in which a person was talking about how now that they escaped the situation that caused their trauma, they don't know what's next because it makes up such a huge part of their personality and they've been in survival mode for so long that they get anxious thinking that it could go wrong again any minute. But they also said that they are looking forward to finding out who they are without the thing that caused the trauma. And I felt that. I escaped the situation about almost 3 years ago but I'm still recovering and I still have those defence and coping mechanisms from back then. And I like found out that I actually don't care that much about grades, I still care and I'm proud of my accomplishments but it kinda isn't that important anymore, like I'm (almost) okay with screwing up and only being among the best instead of THE best, just like I was back in primary school. I also found out that I like lots of stuff my friends introduced me to like K drama and that I can be silly with them (and that I like that) instead of acting condecending when people are being a bit stupid for fun (in my defence lots of the stuff I looked down upon was sexist/involved drugs etc.) <- look I did it again, I defended myself before someone could even attac.

The second thing is I think I could be neurodivergent. Like I have always been a picky eater but not just because of taste but also because of food texture. The same goes for fabric and certain necklines and stuff because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I used to wear tights no matter what season when I was a kid and was convinced I could never wear pants without them and I still don't like it if pants are loose around my legs so I only wear skinny jeans. I'm very perfectionistic at times and so incredibly stubborn and I need get things done my way and have like this weird tunnel vision where I can't really see alternatives myself but need others to show them to me (like in group projects). But I can also be so lazy and unmotivated that I just refuse to do anything and hope I get away with it. I can be laser focused sometimes, like read in the most chaotic public space but then again I can get distracted so easily by just one sound and like get nothing done at all for the next 10 minutes. I oftentimes scribble or fidget when I'm nervous or need to concentrate. I bite my nails to an unhealthy extent since I was little. I cried a lot when I was a child when we sold things, I can't let go of stuff, it got better but it's still very gutwrenching. I've always hated being wrong and loved being right. Oftentimes I'm so focused on myself and how I feel in a situation that I forget that others might not feel the same way about what is happening right now which leads to me missing (important) social clues. It's not like I can't interpret the expressions of others but I just don't pay attention in that moment of that I'm so convinced that my pov is right that I just don't think about another way to view things, even though I'm relatively average at being able to empathize with others but it just becomes an afterthought and then it's too late. I'm able to reflect on things. Lots of people think I'm arrogant or condecending when I don't even mean to come across that way. I was always considered smart (I have great fact memory) and relatively creative but also weird and socially awkward in a sense that I just didn't get along with lots of my peers. On the one hand people thought I was mature for my age (because I could articulate myself better than most of the kids my age and just knew more in general) but on the other I could be to childish and immature when others upset me and I really have a temper and I hold a grude for forever. One time when I was too old for that I just made such a scene because I didn't want to go on that hiking trip (god, I was so awful that day, my poor parents). I can become obsessed with things, mostly books, series and movies. I'm basically a fandom wiki at this point. I like and notice patterns lots of people just don't see. My dad often compares me to Sheldon Cooper who has Asperger when we watch TBBT (I know he's not the best autism representation but he introduced me to the topic). And like lots of times I read some post and think "huh relatable" and then I look at the tags and it says "autism" or "ADHD" or "neurodivergent" and I've always related to autism-coded characters and neurodivergent characters. But then (depends on whether I'm really neurodivergent or not) my imposter syndrome or common sense kicks in and is like "Just because you relate that doesn't mean you are. You are way too normal and basic for that. You just want to be special. You disrespect the community by claiming you're a part of it without even really knowing. Self diagnosis is toxic and most of the time one's wrong. You only want an excuse for not fitting in. You only want a reason for being bullied," and stuff like this. My imposter sydrom also says those things everytime I think about whether I'm bisexual or not. Like I always get exicted when I see the community succeed or represented and I'm so deep into queer cuture, even before I knew what it was I already had a tendency towards this kind of media.

The third thing is that I'm hating shopping so much. Like I love fashion, it's just so much fun, but everytime I want to be fashionable I just realise I can't be. One of the reasons for this is as I mentioned above that how fabrics feel can be difficult or that I don't like certain necklines because I feel like they expose stuff and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. This is the part that has always been there. But then again there is a kinda low confidence when it comes to my style that's because of never really having the same style as my peers which didn't make the bullying better. I don't like make-up because I'm too lazy and love sleep and because I've never really done it I suck at it and it's bad for your skin. But like if you can do it well it just looks so nice and I'm in awe if my friends can do it well, it's just not for me. I can't have trendy hair styles because my hair is curly and complicated and only 20% of the time (during which I'm almost always at home) it looks incredibly beautiful. But that can also make me look older than I am. In general that's a big problem for me because if I wear something for young people that suits my criteria I often look like I'm 14 (being smaller than average also doesn't help) but if I wear a blazer or something like that I look like 35 or like a teenager dressing up as a 35 year-old. And then there are my body issues. (I know everybody has them and generally I think I'm pretty but I just feel so unfashionalbe.) Trying to buy new clothes frustrates me, like I don't want to be shapeless or like I just want a simple button-up that's for women or I just want to feel like myself and not like I play dress up. I also get sad and hate myself. In those moments I practically am the song "My Own Person" by Ezra Williams because I just want to vanish. And then there is also consumer guilt.

The fourth is that I'm procrastinating again because I'm anxiously avoidant (self diagnosis, I'm so hypocritical right now and I hate that). I should organize something for my future job right now because I should do that before the holidays (tomorrow is the last school day) but I spent the last hour or so writing this and it's already night and normally I would go to sleep now. I hate having to do that. I have to gather information and it's just so confusing. I'm mad because I've been given some misinformation but because of complicated reasons I can't say that I'm mad. I also just feel stupid for not having asked certain (important) questions.

Edit: About two weeks later. Anxiety and procrastination are still there which isn't good because next week my Abitur starts and I should really prepare more. Sometimes I do the kind of self harm when I don't eat even though I'm hungry because I don't feel like I'm worth the food.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that I have this weird fear of like falling into an abyss (metaphorically). It is just like I don't like alcohol, wich is another thing that seperated/seperates me from my peers. I don't like the taste, I don't like the smell, I don't like that it literally kills brain cells and makes you loose control over your body and behaviour. I never even tried it. It is a valid thing not to like it and people should accept it more, people are not antisocial just because they don't consume alcohol, drinking shouldn't be the social norm. As I mentioned before, back in my bullied era I was condecending and not getting wasted because I didn't get drunk was actually a thing that gave me a feeling of superiority and having this strong principal became a part of my self-worth too. So now with my bad mental health I'm worried that I'll give into the temptation of just letting loose for a while, to rebell and not give a shit and drowning my sorrows, even though I know that alcohol (as a drug) isn't cool and that it'll only make me feel better for a short time and that my body wouldn't take it well because it isn't used to it. I know it is kind of stupid and I think I've had those thoughts for a while now but helping me realize this about myself was the Baby Queen song These Drugs which expresses what I'm afraid of better than I can.