#there's NO future for me
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one of us needs to die
we can't coexist
my mom and I are like poison to each other, she makes me want to die so badly, and I know I can never be good enough for her, no matter how hard I try every day, no matter everything I've given up just to take care of her. I'm a shitty person who can't even help her own paralyzed mom correctly without fucking up and "not doing enough" and ruining everything.
I know deep down that it should be me who dies since all I do is bring pain to everyone
my only regret is not dying earlier back when people thought of me as this sweet cheerful girl full of potential instead of a loser adult with permanent mental and physical illnesses who only brings misery to others and should have died 10 years ago
it's just like the psychiatric center told me... I am a case that other people "can't handle", I'm beyond help, nothing in this fucking planet can fix me
I hate myself so so so SO fucking much, more than anyone else could hate me. I really just need to die. the longer I stick around, the more I keep fucking up
I'll probably fuck up at kms too but :) you never know until you try (again)!! <3
#my head hurts so much#I really do need to die#I can't keep living I seriously can't have another day of this#or another week or month or year or 10 years#I NEED TO DIE#PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS#I SHOULDN'T BE EXISTING!!!!!!!!!#I SHOULD BE FUCKING DEAD!!!!!!#there's NO future for me#It doesn't get better for me#even my own former best friend told me things will never get better for me#and she knows my life better than anyone else! :)#the reason I got mad at her was because she's right and I just didn't want to hear it#but I truly am a loser who can never recover#why am I prolonging my existence when what I want most is to be fucking dead???????#this can't continue I'm sorry
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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hate when you find a character whose so infuriatingly Your Type that its embarrassing like yeahg no one is gonna be surprised when i announce this is my new Guy Of The Month
#shush jesse#EDIT from future me: this post was about astarion but im fully a galegirl (gendy neutch) now so idk what that says#he's also my type for what its worth#this post abt astarion#hes just so painfully on brand for me#i know so little about him though is the thing but i still feel insane#but i cant play the game and i dont want to watch anyone play it and i dont want spoilers#so like.....secondhand blorbo right now
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laios985
#dungeon meshi#laios touden#marcille donato#izutsumi#chilchuck tims#senshi#SURPRISE not trigun again lol#ohmygawd sorry i almost felt too lazy to tag all their names#anyways THIS ONE’S FOR YOU EMI 🫵🫵🫵#you can prob expect more dunmeshi art in the near future BC IM SOOOO FACKING EXCITED FOR THE ANIME HELPP MEEEEE#IT JUST FEELS LIKE IT WAS MADE FOR ME LIKE STUDIO TRIGGER AND BUMP OF CHICKEN OP?????????? DUNMESHI NATION. WE WON.
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Me when I remember something I said ages ago that was wrong or my values no longer align with
#my path of self improvement has been less self righteous and personally gainful#and more just. a lot of embarrassment and pain#like i wouldnt change the path i took to get where i am now but i wouldve chosen to travel that path sooner because omg#nothing hits me like the fear that future me will feel the same way about right now me that right now me feels about past tense me
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Must be a Sugondese joke.
#dungeon meshi#chilchuck tims#laios touden#senshi#Looks like I won't be able to post this on dungeon meshi thursday so instead I will have a fun past/future conversation#This is wednesday me who has not seen the episode yet but I have such a strong feeling that it is going to be extremely special.#*This* fight is what the first arc has been building up to and it has *so* many incredible moments.#We're going to see the chilchuck knife throw! The leg sacrifice! The bones!#Watch them ramp up the quality this episode and go wild with the frantic action of 'oh god our plan is going to shit'.#Hello. Me of the future who just watched the episode.#I knew it was going to be good but that...that blew my mind completely. My high expectations were beyond met. My god.#I'm just speechless at how well they handled everything. The leg. The tension. That ENDING.#If you have not already: PLEASE watch Dungeon Meshi.
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dont forget what happened to icarus
#gravity falls#stanford pines#stanley pines#fiddleford mcgucket#my art#guhh cat#i like ford the most in this 1 .i struggled hard w fiddleford but thts OKAAAYYYY :thumbs up:#also idk if it translates well at all but i wanted to include stanleys brand.fresh off the press 📣#i do want to come back to this at some point and touch it up . future me w the future ability 2 execute this how i wanted hmmm#but im j happy to have smt i want to draw again LAWLL#gf art is incredibly embarrassing 4 me to post#like not even ab the show (which is awesome amazing legiterally da best) and i loveee lovee all the other art its like.#i feel like there is a magnifying glass looking in2 my soul.exposed. ths is how roly polies and armadillos feel
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Physically? I am sitting in my bedroom. Mentally? Spiritually? I AM DEAD ON THE FLOOR!!!!! THESE TWO HAVE KILLED ME!!!!
(Another drawing! This was originally attempt #1 at drawing stan, and then fiddleford just showed up. Kinda feels like them five minutes after the above acting like nothing happened though, so it works sdjkgkjfshj)
#HEALED FIDDLEFORD HAS ME BOUNCING OFF THE FUCKING WALLS!!!!!!! GIVE THE MAN A BRIGHT HAPPY FUTURE!!! FUCK!!!!!#I don't know how i'm coming off right now#when i say that i've been super manic about them for the past week I really mean it#guys Idk but I think I might be fiddlestans number one fan#I liked this pairing before book of bill and after reading it it only solidified things#IT IS SO MUCH MORE THAN A CRACK SHIP TO ME!!!!!!!!#fiddlestan#gravity falls#anyway this is supposed to be them the next summer#stan is working the shack to tutor soos for tourist season#fiddleford has changed while the twins were on the stan o war#STAN DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL AT FIRST and they have a lot of shit to work through from their past before they can start making out dksjds#sketchbook#traditional art#pencil drawing#traditional drawing#stanley pines#fiddleford mcgucket#gravity falls fanart
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read the whole story> here by @clarionglass :)
#a whole month later from starting working on this....tis done....#im so stoked i could actually push myself to finish it and im so fucking proud of myself#i also hope we continue doing sam!master shit in the future#because this whole idea became so dear to me whilst throwing ideas back and forth with clari:)#reich!master#sam reich!master#game master#doctor who#dw#dr who#dw fanart#doctor who fanart#15th doctor#fifteenth doctor#ncuti!doctor#ncuti gatwa#sam reich#dropout tv#game changer#gamechanger#college humor#brennan lee mulligan#grant o'brien#the master#northernfire art
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#pjsk#project sekai#mizuki akiyama#date of me making this post: july 20th 2024#im making this now and sticking it in the drafts for when mizuki gender reveal happens#making this under the assumption that yes she is transfem#if she isnt then well you wont be reading these tags on this post to begin with#which at the time of me writing this we do not know for sure!!! i can not see the future!!!!#but if youre seeing this that means mizuki trans real yayyy yippeeee#congrats to mizuki on the fun gender from past me#10/12/24 update: ok it wasnt EXPLICITLY confirmed but im posting it anyways lolzor
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.
#I don't think anyone understands how fucking depressed i am#nothing changes. i keep isolating myself more and more and everything gets worse#and ocd is worse as well#my family is absolute shit. I'm 100% a failure. they're not interested in helping me and my father's obsessed with me again#I don't find joy in anything. i can't even sleep normally#and worse of all i keep waiting for a reason to end everything bc i genuinely don't want to be here#i know I'll die in this house#there's no future for me#suicide tw#suicide mention#negative#please don't contact me or anyone i genuinely don't want to connect with anyone or talk or anything at all
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Bruce died(?) again
Jason: Well, it's my turn.
Dick: What are you talking about?
Jason: Everytime Bruce is gone, one of you starts to act just like him, pushing everyone away, acting as only you can be right, and fighting anyone that gets in your way. Dick did it, Tim did it, even Cass kind of did it. So, this time, I will do it.
Tim: Isn't that how you act all the time?
Jason: Whoa, fuck you. You are so banned from historical drama movie nights.
#jason todd#dick grayson#tim drake#cassandra cain#batfam#bruce wayne#batman#dc comics#my ramblings#incorrect quotes#once again I made up this one#but like look at me and tell me that I'm wrong when Red Robin comics is rught there#Dick it's in Future State where he acts just like Bruce it's an au but like it's in character af for him#Cass ran away to Hong Kong so she kind of pushed them away and the second part she's always like this#Jason invites his siblings to his place to watch hustorical drama and criticizes the accuracy and if they are adapted from a book#how well of an adaptation they are#of course he is the one making most of the commentaries on the subject#is tim wrong? let's discuss
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spins him around trying to understand the pink mop he calls hair
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#itadori yuuji#yuuji#jjk#fanart#jjk fanart#yuuji itadori#sukuna#if u squint lmao#he is THE boy of all time i love him so very much#in my desperate attempts to make his hair look consistent i appear to have made it . wavy..#its not my fault i couldnt help it i was desperate i needed something other than spIKES#so i made a main swoopy bit to centre myself#lisen ok liSTEN if it works it works and this is my ref sheet now @ future me ur welcome :3#this was helpful but at the same time it certainly reinforced my hatred for Short Hair Back View#improvement hell . but it will get better . (coping)#every1 pick a favourite i lov the middle one . best front facing bust ive done in a minute <3
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im letting the days go by and i dont even have a beautiful house or a beautiful wife
#talking heads#decent posts#guys stop roasting me okay i do have a beautiful (future) boywife. not a beautiful house though.#muted post
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#putting this here in case anyone decides to go looking for more info about my particular guy here#1) soccer player 2) gay 3) started for italy met and got engaged to his future husband while there and adopted a girl#4) ends up spending the rest of his life in germany bc he got traded but he WAS able to get gay married there#because it's legal in germany and not italy. ENGAGED FOR LIKE 15 YEARS BTW!!!!!#5) husband dies at 110 and then my guy dies 7 years later also at the age of 110#6) I don't want to start a new life in the game because I played as him for hours and don't have the heart to wipe the slate clean#yusuf yacob you will always be famous. to me. sorry for making your penis injury gain interest#and sorry your mother died after being charged by a hippo
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for anyone too young to know this: watching The Truman Show is a vastly different experience now, compared to how it was before youtube and social media influencers became normal
before it was like, "what a horrifying thing to do to a human being! to take away their autonomy and privacy, all for the sake of profits! to create fake scenarios for them to react to, just to retain viewership! to ruin their happiness just so some corporate entity could harvest money from their very humanity! how could anyone do something so evil?"
and now it's like, "ah, yeah. this is still deeply fucked up, but it's pretty much what every influencer has been doing to their kids for a decade now. probably bad that we've normalized this experience"
#the truman show#sbs rambles#I keep thinking about how children on popular youtube channels should probably have laws to protect them#social workers assigned to them maybe#I dunno#they did not sign up to have their lives sold for profit#but here we are#tho#I guess none of us signed up for it#and our data is harvested more than ever#god#high-tech capitalism sucks turns out#OH WAIT because tumblr is bad at getting context sometimes#let me specify:#I am not saying that the movie The Truman Show is bad or that it normalizes this#like all good sci-fi (because it is kind of sci-fi) it's there to warn us of what the future could hold#and it did that in a very good way - it's a beautiful movie#I could see someone with a bad faith take assuming I meant that it was part of the problem#it absolutely wasn't. it didn't normalize this; we did#youtube did and social media#it's us that's the problem#or more specifically: big corporations and a lack of regulation#that's the origin of most modern problems
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