#there’s not a specific order to the songs either it’s really just thrown in there

[foxmulderrr]

an unpolished playlist of songs that remind me of the detective and A’s relationship. with added sadness and dramatics from the end of book 3.

[maniculum]

An Excerpt from the Aberdeen Bestiary

I've started preparing the bestiaryposting, and have encountered one entry that doesn't really fit into what we're doing. Not only is it one of the longest entries, but instead of "let me tell you about this animal", it's taking more of a "we all already know about this animal, so I'm going to share some stories about specific ones" approach. But out of a sense of completionism, I can't just not post it, so here you go.

Dog

The Latin name for the dog, canis, seems to have a Greek origin. For in Greek it is called cenos, although some think that it is called after the musical sound, canor, of its barking, because when it howls, it is also said to sing, canere. No creature is more intelligent than the dog, for dogs have more understanding than other animals; they alone recognise their names and love their masters.

There are many kinds of dogs: some track down the wild beasts of the forests to catch them; others by their vigilance guard flocks of sheep from the attacks of wolves; others as watch-dogs in the home guard the property of their masters lest it be stolen by thieves at night and sacrifice their lives for their master; they willingly go after game with their master; they guard his body even when he is dead and do not leave it. Finally, their nature is that they cannot exist without man.

Also of the nature of dogs

We read that dogs have such great love for their masters, as when King Garamentes was caught by his enemies and taken into captivity, two hundred dogs went in formation through enemy lines and led him back from exile, fighting off those who resisted them. When Jason [Licio] was killed, his dog rejected food and died of starvation. The dog of King Lysimachus threw itself in the flame when its master's funeral pyre was lit and was consumed by fire along with him. When Apius and Junius Pictinius were consuls, a dog that could not be driven away from its master, who had been condemned, accompanied him to prison; when, soon afterwards, he was executed, it followed him, howling. When the people of Rome, out of pity, caused it to be fed, it carried the food to its dead master's mouth. Finally, when its master's corpse was thrown into the Tiber, the dog swam to it and tried to keep it from sinking.

When a dog picks up the track of a hare or a deer and comes to a place where the trail divides or to a junction splitting into several directions, it goes to the beginning of each path and silently reasons with itself, as if by syllogism, on the basis of its keen sense of smell. 'Either the animal went off in this direction,' it says,'or that, or certainly it took this turning.’

Again on the nature of dogs

Often, also, when a murder has been committed, dogs have produced clear evidence of the guilt of the accused, with the result that their unspoken testimony is for the most part believed. They say that at Antioch, in a distant quarter of the city at dusk, a man was murdered, who had his dog with him on a lead. A soldier had been the perpetrator of the deed, with robbery as his motive. Undercover of the growing darkness, he fled elsewhere. The corpse lay unburied; the crowd of onlookers was large; the dog stayed at its master's side, howling over his sad fate. It happened that the man who had committed the crime, acting confidently in order to convince people of his innocence - such is the cunning way in which men think- joined the circle of onlookers and, feigning grief, approached the corpse. Then the dog, briefly abandoning its doleful lament, took up the arms of vengeance, seized the man and held him, and, softly singing a pitiful song, as in the epilogue of a tragedy, moved everyone to tears; and the fact that the dog held that man alone, of the many that were there, and did not let him go, lent weight to its case. In the end, the murderer was at a loss because the evidence in the case was so plain; he could not clear himself by objecting that he was the victim of anyone's hate, enmity, envy or spite, and he could no longer rebut the charge. Because it was very difficult for him, he suffered punishment, because he could offer no defence.

A dog's tongue, licking a wound, heals it. A dog's way of life is said to be wholly temperate. A puppy's tongue is generally a cure for internal injuries. It is characteristic of a dog that it returns to its vomit and eats it again. If a dog swims across a river carrying a piece of meat or anything of that sort in its mouth, and sees its shadow, it opens its mouth and in hastening to seize the other piece of meat, it loses the one it was carrying.

In some ways preachers are like dogs: by their admonitions and righteous ways they are always driving off the ambushes laid by the Devil, lest he seize and carry off God's treasure - Christian souls. As the dog's tongue, licking a wound, heals it, the wounds of sinners, laid bare in confession, are cleansed by the correction of the priest. As the dog's tongue heals man's internal wounds, the secrets of his heart are often purified by the deeds and discourse of the Church's teachers. As the dog is said to be temperate in its ways, the man who is set over others diligently studies wisdom and must avoid drunkenness and gluttony in every way, for Sodom perished in a surfeit of food. Indeed, there is no quicker way for the Devil, his enemy, to take possession of man than through his greedy gullet. The dog returning to its vomit signifies those who, after making their confession, heedlessly return to wrongdoing. The dog leaving its meat behind in the river, out of desire for its shadow, signifies foolish men who often forsake what is theirs by right out of desire for some unknown object; with the result that, while they are unable to obtain the object of their desire, they needlessly lose what they have given up.

Some dogs are called licisici, wolf-hounds, because they are born of wolves and dogs, when by chance these mate. In India bitches are tethered at night in the forests to breed with wild tigers, by whom they are mounted, producing very fierce dogs, so strong that with their grip they can pull down lions.

[racefortheironthrone]

Do you think the term 'fridging' has become overused, and if Brienne does sacrifice herself for Jaime, would that not count?

I think that one of the useful things about the term fridging is that the website "Women in Refrigerators" is still up so we can know exactly what Gail Simone wrote when she coined the term back in the 90s. To quote her:

"Hi. This is a list I made when it occurred to me that it's not that healthy to be a female character in comics. I'm curious to find out if this list seems somewhat disproportionate, and if so, what it means, really. These are superheroines who have been either depowered, raped, or cut up and stuck in the refrigerator. I know I missed a bunch. Some have been revived, even improved -- although the question remains as to why they were thrown in the wood chipper in the first place. I know I missed a bunch -- I just don't know my comics deaths the way I should. I'm not editorializing -- I'm just curious to find out what you guys think it means, if anything. The preceding letter was written and sent by me when I realized one day that most of my favorite female comics characters had met untimely and often icky ends. The history of the idea and this site are listed here, and the responses from various comics professionals are listed here. An important point: This isn't about assessing blame about an individual story or the treatment of an individual character and it's certainly not about personal attacks on the creators who kindly shared their thoughts on this phenomenon. It's about the trend, its meaning and relevance, if any. Plus, it's just fun to talk about refrigerators with dead people in them. I don't know why.

In Simone's original meaning, "fridging" specifically applied to superhero comics, it involved a spectrum of violence from depowering to sexual assault to physical assault to mutiliation to murder, and it was disproportionately gendered. Notably, the qualification that "fridging" is done in order to motivate the (disproportionately male) protagonist rather than as part of a heroic character arc for the woman being fridged, came around a little later, mostly from those creators who were responding to Simone's initial provocation. However, you can see that this particular qualification was an idea floating in the aether at the time Simone was writing her first foray.

Do I think the term has become overused? It's certainly spread to more genres outside of superheroes, but I don't think that's an over-extension, since we're usually talking about the same phenomenon happening in "heroic" subgenres of fantasy, sci-fi, romance, etc.

Does this apply to Brienne sacrificing herself to save Jaime?

No.

Brienne's self-sacrifice is the logical and emotional climax of her own character arc, one rooted in chivalric romance in which Brienne seeks to play the role of the tragic knight. She is introduced as an existential true knight, someone who finds life in Westerosi society a constant trial and humiliation but who longs to escape into a world of song and story through glorious deeds:

"Because it will not last," Catelyn answered, sadly. "Because they are the knights of summer, and winter is coming." "Lady Catelyn, you are wrong." Brienne regarded her with eyes as blue as her armor. "Winter will never come for the likes of us. Should we die in battle, they will surely sing of us, and it's always summer in the songs. In the songs all knights are gallant, all maids are beautiful, and the sun is always shining."

As in real-world chivalric romance, the structures of Westerosi chivalric romance are built around tragedy: the Dragonknight doesn't get to settle down with Naerys, but gives up his life to save King Aegon IV, and it's the doomed chaste romannce and the stubborn attachment to duty that makes it all so damn chivalrous.

Thus, from Brienne's introduction to now, we see Brienne looking for someone worthy to sacrifice her life to save:

she starts with Renly, except that she can't save him from the magic (although that does mean that she doesn't learn how unworthy he was) and becomes blamed for his death instead.

then she shifts to Catelyn, except that she can't save her because Catelyn sends her away so she's not there during the Red Wedding.

Jaime and Brienne's ASOS trek across the Riverlands, from the revelations of his backstory to him jumping into the bear pit to his quest-giving at the end, is entirely about setting him up as the third of three lord/lady-coded characters that Brienne could sacrifice herself for. And lo and behold, we have a situation where Jaime and Brienne are about to come face-to-face with Lady Stoneheart, a scenario we've already seen be grounded in questions of sacrifice and honor.

So unless GRRM somehow fucks up and makes the conclusion of Brienne's arc more about Jaime than Brienne, it's not a case of fridging.

[lickthecowhappy]

Sad Playlist and Music Analysis Interpreting Selected Songs as They Pertain to My Personal Good Omens Brain Rot

After watching Good Omens season 2 I needed a sad playlist about it.

I collected some songs that made me think of Them or what happened, but I just sat on it for a while. One day my brain demanded I assemble them. Some were thrown out and a few added after the fact. I spent a completely normal amount of time curating the choices and their position on the playlist. Linked and listed at the bottom of this post.

Most of the songs were chosen to represent a point of view or set of feelings that either Aziraphale OR Crowley might be experiencing in a moment of the audience experiencing them, but some were chosen as more a duet. To represent what both might be feeling either together or about one another. If you are keen to guess which songs represent which character before reading any analysis, I’d be interested to see what people think!

I will link each listed song to its own separate analysis. I will mostly analyze them in order and with no particular timeline. They are all done! When I analyze, I intend for everything to be assumed that it’s all “in my opinion” or “to me” or “the way I interpret it for this purpose” so I will avoid using these phrases to keep things succinct. The intention of the writer is mostly irrelevant unless specifically stated, especially since I don’t know what their intentions were and these interpretations are applied specifically to how I view them through my Good Omens addled brain.

I will also use specific words to mean specific things. Capitalized and trademarked Good™ and Evil™, and the word right/righteous. They will specifically mean the exalted “Good” of heaven, the damned “Evil” of Hell, and what has been meditated upon and judged as the right thing to do regardless of Goodness™ or Evilness™. Furthermore, I am TERRIBLE about citing sources so I probably won’t do it unless I think it’s REALLY important. But I also won’t state something as fact I’m not 100% sure about unless I qualify it.

And please remember, music is personal. Some of these songs may mean something to you that they don’t mean to me. This was my own personal therapy, and I am just putting it into the ether because I want to articulate it for myself and I think others like me might find it interesting.

List below links to each separate analysis:

Everyday – Buddy Holly and The Crickets

I’ll Be Your Mirror – The Velvet Underground

Love Like You – Rebecca Sugar

A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square – Vera Lynn

Like Real People Do – Hozier

Wear Your Love Like Heaven – Donovan

Pale Blue Eyes – The Velvet Underground

Two Men In Love – The Irrepressibles

Us – Chxrlotte

Let Me Drown – Orville Peck

Heavenly – Cigarettes After Sex

Love Of My Life – Queen

It’s a Hard Life – Queen

[tomorrowxtogether]

Tomorrow X Together on 'The Name Chapter: Freefall,' growth and being a 'consolation' to MOA

Tomorrow X Tomorrow are storytellers who have meticulously crafted a through-line from release to release. Since making their debut with the youthful "The Dream Chapter: Star" in 2019, the five-member K-pop act has traversed the process of growing up.

"There's a specific narrative that flows," Taehyun, 21, tells USA TODAY. "It's about the growth of a boy and it's kind of in chronological order."

From the tumultuous transition of "The Chaos Chapter: Freeze" to the introspective conflict of "The Name Chapter: Temptation," Tomorrow X Togetherhas explored the group's coming of age. Their new album "The Name Chapter: Freefall," out now, furthers this narrative.

Meet Tomorrow X Together

Composed of Yeonjun, Soobin, Beomgyu, Taehyun and Hueningkai, Tomorrow X Together has taken the world by storm. Their music crosses genres including rock, R&B and pop.

Their last EP "The Name Chapter: Temptation" debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard 200. In 2022, TXT were the first K-pop group to perform at Lollapalooza. In 2023, they returned to the festival as headliners.

'The Name Chapter: Freefall' finds TXT faced with new challenges of growing up

On the group's new studio album, "we wanted to portray the reality as it is without any frills," says Soobin, 22, the group's leader. "We're all incomplete, but you have the determination to go forward."

In the past, the members delved into the ups and downs of maturing. But now, they're faced with fate. The title track "Chasing That Feeling" finds them holding onto nostalgia yet moving past what they've known.

"The biggest inspiration for me is our experiences, because all the songs (are about) everything we've either been through or will go through in the future," says Yeonjun, 24.

Growing up is something everyone can relate to and letting go is seemingly the hardest part. But TXT relishes the process.

"If you resonate with the music, I think the depth of music that you feel changes," says Hueningkai, 21. This is something the members keep in mind while songwriting, especially when it comes to connecting with their fans, who they lovingly call MOA, which stands for "moments of alwaysness."

"This overarching theme and narrative is what bundles us and MOA together into one," says Hueningkai.

TXT's growth through the years

Since the group's debut, Tomorrow X Together has expertly tackled each concept thrown their way.

"We did all kinds of concepts from the very bubbly concept to the very dark and grungy," says Beomgyu, 22. "Because we've tried so many different concepts, I think we now have a wider spectrum of music that we can pull off."

Each track of "The Name Chapter: Freefall" sets up a different stage within TXT's development.

"When we try out different genres, I think our understanding of music becomes deeper," says Soobin. "I feel like we're growing as artists."

In their years together, the members have fostered appreciation for one another and all they've accomplished.

"The whole process is just very fun and enjoyable for me: trying out different concepts, different styles and witnessing that whole process of change," says Yeonjun.

"There were of course good times and bad times, but we always really communicate well with each other," says Hueningkai. "I don't think there was a moment that was really too challenging or hard for me, thanks to all of them."

TXT has deep love for MOA

The group loves what they do because of their MOA.

"When we see the fans cheering for us, rooting for us, I feel like 'Oh, I'm going on a right path and I'm doing well,' " says Taehyun. "These are the moments that I will cherish."

They hope the group and their fans can grow together.

"I hope that MOA could gather up their courage while listening to our music because sometimes reality could be harsh," says Hueningkai. "I hope that they get the energy from our music which makes them determined to go forward."

"As MOA are to us, I hope that we can be consolation to MOA," says Soobin. "I hope we are a good friend that they can rely on and someone that they can gain energy from."

[maydayy98]

Alistair x Cousland Headcanon - Dancing

I have this headcanon that when my Warden Cousland was a young girl in Highever, she loved dancing. And she was really good at it too! Like she wasn’t super great at a lot of the “noble lady” things, and big social events and small talk with nobility weren’t usually her cup of tea. But if there was ever a castle party, you’d for sure find her dancing all night long. Maybe something about it reminded her of swordplay? The footwork, the balance, the energy of it? The interplay between two people? Either way, young Lady Cousland was always an excellent dancer as well as a warrior

Fast forward to the middle of Origins. One night at camp, Leliana is playing some music by the fire, maybe some other companions are joining her, and the Warden can’t remember the last time she danced but listening to the music, she suddenly misses it. Zevran whose sitting nearby and listening, offers to be a dancing partner for a song if she misses it so much, because of course he does and I could imagine he’s a damn good dancer himself lol. Nothing flirtatious about this offer, he just wants to enjoy the entertainment of it. And Cousland agrees.

Now Alistair, also nearby, is NOT a dancer. Never really had the chance to learn, thinks he can’t dance for the life of him and doesn’t really want to be seen trying, doesn't want to look the fool. So when others at camp begin to join in the fun he is quick to back out of it (alongside Morrigan because she would not be caught dead lol). 

Until he sees his Warden twirling and laughing by the firelight, almost glowing it seems like, and he’s just so fucking smitten. She’s smiling so widely, he doesn’t know if he’s ever seen her smile like that before and Maker she’s just beautiful. And her laugh, it’s like music. Alistair knows that he cares deeply for his fellow Grey Warden by now but he hasn’t shared these feeling yet. Though it’s harder to ignore them now…

When the dance ends, the Warden is nearer to Alistair than before, laughing and clapping and as another song strikes up, Lady Cousland specifically asks Alistair if he’ll dance with her. Promises that it’ll be fun. When he admits that he doesn’t really know how, she says she’ll teach him and he agrees. Because he’d be willing to look the fool a dozen times over if it meant getting to dance with her like that.

 Insert a VERY CUTE SCENE when the Warden teaches Alistair how to dance and he’s all left feet at first but he eventually starts to find his footing and they get into a proper rhythm and it is so much fun. And Alistair admits he’s surprised that the Warden enjoys dancing so much and she talks about the dances in Highever and how her father taught her how to when she was very small, and during castle parties visiting nobleman’s sons would try to ask her to dance in order to "woo" the Teyrn's daughter, so she'd make her brother Fergus dance with her most of the night to keep them at bay. They both laugh at the silly stories, and it’s the first time she’s talked about her family or her life before the blight with any real joy in her voice and Alistair thinks that he would have liked to know her then, before all of this death and tragedy and the loss that she had suffered. The Warden mirrors these thoughts back to him by saying that he would have loved a party thrown by the Couslands, and she would have liked to show him her home before…before Howe and...

Her face falls, the light leaving her eyes a bit, and Alistair feels an ache in his chest. He tries to lighten the mood and bring back her smile by stumbling a bit and joking that he would have made an awful dancing partner if he’d ever attended a party in Highever. Cousland laughs softly and assures him that he’s doing fine, and they continue in the dance as the music picks up. A couple knowing eyes watch them together, because neither one of them are as subtle about their feelings at they think that they are. But it hardly matters; they’re both having so much fun, joking and smiling, and maybe even flirting just a bit. Then the song comes to a close and they realize how close they are and the Warden actually starts to blush a bit. And damnit if Alistair wasn’t completely smitten before he sure as hell is now. If he forgot himself too much, he might have even leaned ever so slightly towards her lips, they were right there after all. Her face so near to his, her frame fitting into his arms perfectly. She was right there…

The couple are bumped into by Zevran who is trying to teach other partners the steps to the dance, without much success. This takes the two lovebirds out of their moment together, and Cousland laughs to break the tension, and makes an awkward mock curtsy before excusing herself, leaving Alistair slightly red-faced and gazing after her, trying to figure out how he’s going to ever admit that he’d really like nothing more than to to dance with her every day for the rest of his life...

(Ah God I really don't know where this all came from, and I know it's not good at all I just wanted to share all the cute fluff that lives in my brain. I would literally die for these two idiot Wardens sharing one brain cell between them. I have so many feelings, Maker end my suffering T-T)

[animelover20]

🎶✨when u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (positivity is cool)🎶✨ !

Oooh now this is the shit I like seeing at 6 in the morning😃 thank you, I actually really like talking about my taste in music. Sorry if I ramble on a bit too much than what you were expecting tho I'm just really excited.

I'm guessing these don't have to be in any specific order so they ain't. Btw artist names are in bold because it looked too confusing otherwise.

Most of these are either gonna be metal,loud as fuck/chaotic, just weird or sometimes even a mix of all of those.

1. Hand me my shovel I'm going in! - will wood and the tapeworms. It's fun as fuck plus the songs been theorised to be about mental health and how the person singing isn't 'sick' enough to get help. (Which is backed by a few lyrics especially "so I bookmark my DSM cause I need you to remember my place".) It's such a cool and fun song because of how chaotic it is and will wood and the tapeworms are one of my favourite bands overall so don't be surprised if they appear a few times😁

2. Death - Æther realm. You've probably never heard of it but it's really cool. You won't like it if your not a fan of death since that's the whole song. Essential made an album based off tarot cards which is such a cool concept(I love tarot btw) but I've only listened to this one so far. Anyway onto the meaning. It's an extremely positive song about death and it actually applies to a lot of my beliefs on death aswell. Instead of describing death as this horrible thing it's so much more peaceful. With a few lyrics being("if I had another chance to live I think id rather be dead" and the one that follows every chorus being "if this is really death then it's not so bad.")I really hate death being seen as a negative thing because frankly it isn't. It's a comforting concept. at the end of the day,no matter what you do,no matter how you live, death is going to come for you. And you know what that's ok. It's one of my favourite songs for this reason. And I know not everyone will agree with me but that's fine.

3. Per Aspera ad inferi - Ghost. I will just quickly mention, they are a satanist band,if you're not into that then ya know don't be mean,their songs go hard lmao. Anyway i am not apart of their religion but I respect it. Anyway the name is essentially a play on the Latin phrase 'through hardship to the stars' or Per Aspera astra.' (rough translation btw) whereas the song name instead translates to 'through hardships to hell.' which is so fucking cool. It's catchy as fuck song and I find it getting stuck in my head a lot.

4. Necromancin Dancin - Bear Ghost. It's just a really fun song,chaotic as fukc too. Plus the thought of people just being revived just to start dancin is really funnym. Added bonus that is song is in my doffy playlist (because of the whole controlling people I thought why not be able to do it to corpses aswell😃) it's actually the only song so far to be apart of said playlist but that may change as I go. I don't know if this song has any specific meaning either then necromancer making people dance. But it's pretty good.

5. Take me back to Eden - sleep token. Ok so I've been making this list up as I went which is why I said in 4 that there might be another song from my playlist and what I said could change and it did. This song is in my doffy playlist and it's actually the song that inspired the playlist in the first place so,hats off to it. Anyway yay metal. Loud, amazing vocals and metal? What more could you ask for. It's mostly been attributed to doffy because of the whole theme of being thrown out of this holy place and desperately trying to get back which...(If you know you know.) I fucking love this song so much and I am genuinely out of words to describe it.

And that's about it I think I'm happy with this. Anyway again thank you for making my morning and giving me something to do that I actually really enjoy. Sorry if this is a ramble I just really like music.

I hope you have a great day/night❤️

[milfglupshitto]

Review: Cassilda's Song

Cassilda's Song: Tales Inspired by Robert W. Chambers King in Yellow Mythos was one of the anthologies on the further reading list in the back of my copy of The King in Yellow. Specifically, it's a collection of stories by women writers interacting with the concepts and beats from the foundational text. I got around to reading through it yesterday, so this is just going to be a quick review!

Overall: hits and misses. I categorically resent the fact that so many collections of fiction by women are entirely absent of stories that don't involve sexual abuse, or conflate womanhood with suffering or mystify the experience of women as entirely alien. My sister put it really well when we were talking about it: depictions of women's sexuality aren't subversive if they posit it as either 1) nonexistent without assault or 2) inherently abnormal, and a lot of stories in this collection do that. I was not surprised that many of the author bios mentioned dark fantasy. Outside of this trend, I enjoyed most of the stories when I considered them individually.

Spotlight on my favorites from this collection (in the order that they appear):

Nicole Cushing's "Yella": Checked every unsanitary box, very difficult for me to get through given my personal compulsions but mercifully very short. Absolutely fantastic character work in such a limited page count, really visceral and physically grounded.

Helen Marshall's "Exposure": Immediately grabbed me with its modern style and the vitality of its (bigoted, judgemental) narrator. Loved the way that it initially demystifies the cosmic locations before bringing all the incomprehensibility back in.

Maura McHugh's "Family": Really interesting weaving of interpersonal dynamics that hits on a lot of the unreliability of the original text. Very solid character voice and grounded set dressing.

Nadia Bulkin's "Pro Patria!": This story has no equal in the collection. Only author to really grapple with the colonial implications of the mythos, horror is frighteningly realistic and I'm fascinated by how the cosmic elements act only as a backlight for the mundane. I'm highly tempted to scan the whole thing in so that everyone can read it.

E. Catherine Tobler and Damien Angelica Walter's "Her Beginning is Her End is Her Beginning": Both authors contributed a story each to the collection on their own, but I didn't like either nearly as much as I liked this one. The jumping put me in mind of This is How You Lose the Time War, and its approach to the power-of-language idea that's so present in Chambers was excellent. Will say however that I was extremely thrown off by the inclusions of real historical figures- that did not work for me. The creation myth it establishes is a high point.

[grandtheftaristotle]

The Hidden Narrative of Midnights

Heyyyyyyy

So in honour of the TS11 announcement (!!!!!) and Midnights winning AOTY (!!!!!!!!) I'm posting this essay I accidentally wrote months ago after relistening to You're Losing Me and finally figuring out how Midnights works as an album

I was SUPER thrown by this album when it first came out and how different it was from the way it was marketed, but after Joever and YLM I think I get it now.

So, below the cut, here's how I make sense of Midnights, the order of the songs, and how it was presented to us.

Enjoy, and I'm sorry.

Okay so I finally listened to You’re Losing Me again and now I’m thinking about it in the wider context of the album

Cause we agree that it kinda redefines the whole thing right? Reframes the album not just as her reminiscing on nights she was up late and for what reasons, but reminiscing specifically about memories that could help her decide whether to stay or move on. She described this love as being golden like daylight on Lover; it makes sense that nighttime is when she has to grapple with the notion of ending it.

So we start with Lavender Haze, which as a title track genuinely makes me insane when I think about the amount of parallels it has to You’re Losing Me. The way it reframes her SO’s quiet demeanour as something positive (“you don’t ever say too much / and you don’t really read into my melancholia”), rather than the nail in the coffin it ultimately was (“do something babe, say something / choose something babe, risk something”), the references to marriage and how inconsequential it is (“I wouldn’t marry me either”), “you don’t really read into my melancholia” vs “how can you say you love someone you can’t tell is dying”, “I’m damned if I do give a damn what people say” vs “a pathological people pleaser”. I could go on.

Next we go to Maroon, which has her thinking back on another breakup that had a significant emotional impact on her (“and I wake with your memory over me / that’s a real fucking legacy to leave”) (I’m also thinking about that in two different ways; their memory as a legacy they left behind [“a real fucking legacy to leave”] and leaving AS a legacy [“a real fucking legacy, to leave”] - the last one could tie into the central conflict). The way the song trails off at the end is kinda like her thoughts trailing off; she doesn’t really come to a conclusion about the whole thing, it’s just a memory. A real fucking legacy to leave, to leave.

Her next thought is “it’s me! Hi! I’m the problem! It’s me!” Anti Hero’s pretty self explanatory; she’s thinking that maybe she’s the problem here; overreacting about the whole thing, trying to get ahead of him leaving her, up late and stressed now that her depression’s taking over. I interpret ‘all the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room’ as referring to the people in the memories she sings about; people she’s broken up with, old friends, even old versions of herself. Did she leave them, or did they leave her? Either way it was probably her fault, she decides.

From there she looks back on when she first fell for her partner; they both fell at the same time, and it was magical, like snow on the beach. Not only was it magical and beautiful, like it was destined to happen, but it shows they were both on the same page. So why can’t they be now?

You’re On Your Own, Kid. This might be one of her heaviest songs, with one of the most stark revelations - “like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss”. This whole time she was hoping that the right love, the right person, would save her and make her feel complete. She thought she found that person, but they haven’t made her feel complete, and now she’s thinking of ending it. Just like the person at the beginning of the song - “I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me”. But they didn’t, and now her current partner doesn’t seem to either. “You’re on your own, kid / you always have been” - that line ends up being comforting. You’ve always been on your own, and you’ve made it here anyway. There’s no reason why you can’t still go far.

Speaking of going far, Midnight Rain kinda plays off the ideas set up in YOYOK in how it refers to a relationship from her youth; before she became famous. She talks about how “he wanted a bride, I was making my own name”; paralleling her reluctance to get married in Lavender Haze and the ultimate revelation that her current partner doesn’t seem to want it. This is kinda where we start to question if she really doesn’t want to get married, or if she’s trying to convince herself she doesn’t. Personally I think it’s a mix of both; around the time Lavender Haze takes place, she was perfectly content to be unmarried and just stay ‘in that lavender haze’, as it were. In the honeymoon phase. I also think that, whether she wanted it or not, the constant speculation was grating on her and made the topic unpleasant. That said, at some point she likely wanted to take things that extra step, but her SO was either very reluctant or very nonchalant about it, leading us here. She looks back on when someone did want to marry her (eventually), but she backed out on them to focus on her career. This might be a case of thinking ‘I chose my career over a relationship; am I simply doing it again?’

Question is similar to Maroon in that it’s looking back on a past relationship for some hint of what to do here. All the questions she wanted to ask her ex (or maybe did), some of which she wants to ask her current partner (“did you wish you put up more of a fight?”) Also thinking of “does it feel like everything’s just second best after that meteor strike”. Very “I promise that you’ll never find another like me” coded. Convincing herself that if the break up did happen, her partner would never find someone better. I will defend ME! with my dying breath.

Now for Vigilante Shit. This one is significantly harder to nail down than all the others; it feels a bit out of place within the narrative and more like a tease for Rep TV. That said I do want to touch on two things: “I don’t start shit but I can tell you how it ends” aka “I am a confident badass and I will ultimately do what is best for me” and “picture my thick as thieves with your ex wife”. Marriage themes once again, this time with a divorce. Interesting. 

With newfound confidence, she lets herself bejewelled. Once again, this is pretty self explanatory. She can still make the whole place shimmer, even if she doesn’t have a man. But that said, she still wants him in her life. “Familiarity breeds contempt / don’t put me in the basement when I want the penthouse of your heart”. This song isn’t just saying ‘I’m incredible’, it’s saying ‘I’m incredible and I want others to notice, especially this one person’.

(I will take this moment to acknowledge that, yes, Taylor has said this song is about her return to pop music rather than a relationship. However, since I’m looking at these songs through the specific lens of her making a decision about her relationship, I’m reinterpreting it. I realize that this wasn’t the original intention of the song, but I’m setting that aside for the sake of the narrative.)

These last several songs have clearly showed Taylor leaning more toward ‘break up’, with Bejewelled having more of a middle ground perspective. That song now acts as a bridge into the last four songs of the standard edition, which all have her thinking more about the positive aspects of the relationship, all the reasons she wants to save it. We start with Labyrinth, which details the anxiety she felt at the beginning of the relationship and how this person helped her through it (“you would break your back to make me break a smile”). All the effort they put in then, something they clearly aren’t doing now. Another notable line is “I’ll be getting over you my whole life” which connects to “you might just have dealt the final blow” in You’re Losing Me; she feels she may never recover from the potential break up.

Next up we have Karma, which has similar mixed messages to Bejewelled. On one hand, we have the assertion that karma is her boyfriend, a god, the breeze in her hair on the weekend, a relaxing thought, a cat purring in her lap cause it loves her, and she and karma vibe like that. It suggests that if she has karma, she doesn’t need anything else, because it does everything that others can’t. Karma will always be there for her and act in her favour because she always does the right thing, so no matter what decision she makes it will be on her side. But then in the bridge we have her saying “karma is the guy on the screen coming straight home to me”. A quick reminder that karma brought this person into her life, so perhaps they were the right thing all along. If her partner came along at just the right time and has been there for her since, then ending it might not be the right decision.

And now, Sweet Nothing. Ohhhhhhhh dear god Sweet Nothing. First of all, within the narrative. Throughout the album there has been talk of people wanting things from Taylor, be it career related or life related. “I have this dream my daughter in law kills me for the money” “all they keep asking me if if I’m gonna be your bride” “life is emotionally abusive” “I hosted parties and starved my body” (the entirety of YOYOK actually) “he wanted a bride, I was making my own name” “you know how much I hate that everyone expects me to bounce back just like that” and so on. But this song details a relationship where the person doesn’t necessarily want anything from her. It’s all nice and quiet and completely peaceful. And then you remember what she said earlier in Midnight Rain - “he wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain” and the themes in both YOYOK and Bejewelled about wanting to be noticed, and then when you hear You’re Losing Me you’re hit with “do something babe, say something”. And you realize ‘oh shit, maybe that quiet life isn’t entirely what she wants here’. And our hypothetical version of Taylor, who’s thinking about all this in the middle of the night while deciding whether or not to end the relationship, realizes ‘oh shit maybe that quiet life isn’t entirely what I want here’. But she doesn’t come to that conclusion til later, cause right now she’s just caught up in the thrill of being with someone who, for once, doesn’t want anything from her. Only later on will she discover that she might want him to want something from her. 

We finish off the standard edition with Mastermind, which has similar themes to Snow on the Beach, with these two people being on the exact same page at the start of their relationship. Taylor thought she was manipulating everything behind the scenes, because she’s always in control of the situation. And as far as the media’s concerned, she tricks men into dating her just so she can write songs about it later, so she might as well lean into that, right? Except, turns out her partner knew what she was doing the entire time and was totally fine with it. So not only can he read her like a book, but he wants the same thing she does. There’s no need to be concerned about their relationship, cause they’ve always been on the same page. Additionally, there’s a theme of control at play here that leads into the next song; she felt fully in control at the start of their relationship, since she thought she was masterminding the whole thing. But now, she’s losing that control.

Which leads us into Hits Different, the first bonus track. I was debating for a while whether I wanted this before or after the 3am tracks, but I think it fits best here, mainly because of how it aligns with Mastermind. While that song was about her being in control, this song is about her spiralling out of control. I heard someone say it sounds like the Blank Space girl fell in love for the first time and I CANNOT stop thinking about that because it’s SO accurate. Especially with the lines about “switching out these Kens” and “skipping town like an asshole outlaw”. Much like with Mastermind, it seems to lean more into that satirical ‘man-eater’ image she toyed with in Blank Space, in that it sounds like someone who has never had their heart broken before and is having a full blown CRISIS about it. And while that’s not the kind of person Taylor is, it does show just how much this is affecting her; that the prospect of this breakup is hitting her harder than any she’s previously had. 

Now onto the 3am tracks. The Great War is pretty self explanatory; same vibe as Snow on the Beach and Labyrinth of “we did it then, why can’t we do it now?” The one thing I will touch on is the lines at the end of the bridge - “that was the night I nearly lost you / I really thought I lost you”. Calls back to Maroon (“and I lost you”), and parallels You’re Losing Me. She was able to step back and examine the situation and realize she was losing him, but he’s unable to do the same while he’s losing her.

Bigger Than The Whole Sky as a song has a couple of popular interpretations; one that it’s about a miscarriage, and one that’s it’s about the loss of who Taylor was before JM. I’m partial to the first reading, but the second one works best with this narrative (and was more likely Taylor’s intent in my opinion). The idea that this relationship fucked her up so bad that she’s actively mourning who she was before it is honestly devastating, and it makes sense that she would worry about the same thing happening if she leaves her current partner, since they’ve been together for so long. It’s possible that this song is also mourning the life she will never have with him if they ultimately break up, which I could go further with but I think it’s best if I leave it there. 

Paris is another song that becomes a lot sadder when you view it from this angle. Specifically, the line “I want to brainwash you into loving me forever”; when you consider just how much she wants for the relationship to work and the degree to which she’s trying to convince herself it’ll be okay, the desperation in this line becomes exceedingly obvious. I also really love how it just trails off at the end. Given how energetic most of this song is, a traditional pop ‘quiet chorus LOUD CHORUS’ ending would make the most sense. And we do get that quiet chorus, but no loud one to follow it up. The way she carefully improvs and repeats the lines at the end makes it sound like she’s biding time waiting for the music to jump back in again, but it never does. She’s waiting for that spark of magic to return, but it doesn’t. Instead the mid tempo vibe continues into…

High Infidelity! Finally after all these years we get some answers about the Calcium situation! With the end of Paris, it’s like she was actively trying to avoid revisiting this memory, but it came back all the same. And if I can be real for a second here, this is, in my opinion, one of the best songs she’s ever written. But anyway, this song tells us about the last time she was in a relationship headed for marriage, but in this case she very much did not want it to happen. She also explains how she cheated on her partner, either literally or emotionally, and how this new person ‘brought her back to life’. This song does two things; it describes a relationship where leaving was the best option because her partner didn’t take the time to notice or know her (“I’d pay if you’d just know me” is VERY You’re Losing Me coded), and explains how another person made her feel special and alive again while she was being stifled. If we assume her current partner was ‘the other person’, then this song also holds the mixed messages of Bejewelled and Karma. He brought her out of this stifling relationship; there’s no way he brought her into another one. He knew what that was like for her, he’d never act that way even accidentally, right?

It’s official: there’s been a glitch. This song is fascinating to me because a glitch is typically a negative thing, but here it’s being framed as a positive. Very ‘I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this’ coded. But at the same time, some glitches only exist for a short time before getting resolved, like a blip. So this song can be viewed in a few ways; their relationship started because of a glitch, their current problems are because of a glitch (the way he’s acting now conflicting with how their relationship started), or their relationship IS the glitch, and it’s slowly getting resolved, meaning it will be ending soon. While the first one is definitively what the song is about, the last two could show the headspace she’s in while looking back on it. That’s what I mean with all the songs really; what they’re about doesn’t change, but by examining their order we can eke out a thought process that caused her to look back on these memories.

And now we get to Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve. Easily one of the most harrowing songs in Taylor’s discography, with its anger, desperation, and overwhelming aura of regret. Oddly enough, I have a hard time placing this relative to the other songs; I feel like it’s where my ‘thought process’ theory gets a little shaky. Unlike the other songs, where I could work certain parts into the current situation, it’s very hard to do that with this song because I feel like it almost downplays what it’s really about. The closest I came to this issue previously was with Bigger Than The Whole Sky; because I hear that song and think of a miscarriage, it was hard to separate it from that interpretation in my mind. But I’d argue it’s more difficult with WCS, because we know definitively what it’s about, while we don’t know for sure what BTTWS is about. These two songs are already connected; the alternative theory for BTTWS is that it’s her saying goodbye to the person she was before the relationship. But even then, it’s still a theory. 

My only real idea for how WCS connects to the timeline is that it’s her thinking back on a relationship that fundamentally changed her. The things she says in the song makes it clear that this relationship has haunted her for years after it happened, and that maybe it affects her perception of love now. It’s a memory she felt she had to go back to in order to make a decision about her current one, but she doesn’t come away with any real conclusions about it, except for the fact that it still bothers her to this day. Unlike her current one, she didn’t get anything good out of that relationship, nothing that makes her glad she went through it. I’m thinking about an interview she gave during the 1989 era, about how she came to realize that just because a relationship wasn’t built to last doesn’t mean it wasn’t special while it was there. It’s something I think she’s come to embrace in recent years and songs; the idea that you can appreciate the good times you had with a person even if it didn’t end well. But in WCS, there’s none of that. There was nothing good, no good memories, nothing salvageable in that relationship. Just a wound that won’t close, lost girlhood, stained glass windows in her mind.

…well that was a bit of a ramble.

So we’ll assume that WCS is her looking back on a relationship that deeply affected her, and that it’s more a byproduct of looking back on all these memories. She was bound to end up there eventually the deeper she went into her thought process; at the very bottom, she found the cathedral where it all went wrong.

And now, the last track before our grand finale. Dear Reader.

You know, I try really hard to not read too far into Taylor’s songs. Especially since folkmore, I do my best not to assume everything she writes matches up exactly with what’s going on in her life. But man, the first time I heard Dear Reader, I got this sinking feeling that everything with Joe wasn’t what it seemed.

Just that bridge. It breaks my heart a little every time I hear it, and it really drives home the point that we truly never really know what’s going on in her life. “You wouldn’t take my word for it if you knew who was talking / if you knew where I was walking / to a house not a home all alone cause nobody’s there”. Listening to all the love songs on this album, we never would’ve known something was wrong. She’s built a career off of being so open about her life in her music, but there are some things she’s just not ready to share She seems to think no one would listen to her thoughts on love if we knew her relationship was on the rocks. “You should find another guiding light / but I shine so bright”. Despite all this, she’ll never stop writing music and sharing certain parts of her life with us. Not her whole life, but what she’s ready for us to hear.

That’s why You’re Losing Me didn’t come out right away. She wasn’t ready for us to hear it in 2022, but she was in 2023, after the news broke. I find it interesting how Dear Reader is kinda saying ‘you don’t really know my life and you don’t know everything I’m going through’ and You’re Losing Me follows it up by showing us why. 

You’re Losing Me parallels nearly every song on Midnights. Some of them are admittedly stretches, and I don’t have time to list them all here, but here are some examples:

“You say I don’t understand and I say I know you don’t” / “Saw the wide smirk on your face, you knew the entire time”

“I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes” / “Ask me why so many fade but I’m still here”

“Stop, you’re losing me” / “Oh no, I’m falling in love”

“How can you say you love someone you can’t tell has died?” / “There’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough”

“All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier” / “Soldier down on that icy ground looked up at me with honour and truth”

“I’m the best thing at this party” / “When I walk in the room I can still make the whole place shimmer”

“A pathological people pleaser” / “Argumentative antithetical dream girl”

“Who only wanted you to see her” / “I wait patiently, he’s gonna notice me”

“Do something babe, say something” / “I find myself running home to your sweet nothing”

“Lose something babe, risk something” / “He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain”

“I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore.” It’s the culmination of the whole night. The moment she looks at the clock and sees it’s 7am. Time to face the reality and make the decision she’s been building to all this time.

I feel kinda bad making this analysis, because it feels like I’m trying to make the album sad so I’ll care about it more. But the fact is that this becomes a stronger body of work (at least for me) with this throughline. It makes the boppier songs make more sense for an album that’s supposed to be so melancholic. I was so confused when I heard songs like Bejewelled and Karma for the first time cause the way she presented the album to us made it sound a LOT darker than some of these songs. But when you look at it like this, that she’s grappling with such a big decision and that’s her reason for revisiting these more upbeat memories, it all starts to come together, and the darker presentation makes more sense.

Not all these songs need to be sad. Taylor isn’t always sad. Her music doesn’t need to be sad for me to like it. It’s just the vibes of the album compared to the sound that threw me off. But when I view it through this lens, I kinda get it now. Midnights is still at the bottom of my album ranking; probably will be for a while. But I have a greater appreciation for it after puzzling out this narrative.

[gaykey]

well im an older fan and i think this isn’t shinee in that this is following a trend instead of leading one. no matter how much others say it’s actually an homage to this !! well it’s still a hip hop inspired song which many boy groups are doing at the moment. it’s not that it’s shinee they can’t do this kind of song. it just sound to me that shawols are trying to find a reason that this doesn’t sound like it could be an nct song or any other boy group and a reason that they aren’t just doing what all boy groups are doing at the moment. that’s what’s disappointing to me about the song, beside the actual song. shawols hear people say nct and get in defensive mode and are like okay we need to justify this. and shawols are making it so that you have to stockholm yourself into liking it and you can’t voice your disappointment. this has turned to a fandom where you have to be on board with everything they put out. was there an intent to be distinctive in a style that is done by so many other right now? sure. but it’s done in a way that’s been done and is being done. where is shinee in that?

that's fair enough, anon? i said that there were still quite a lot of older fans who didn't like it, and didn't like the direction they were going - that post was specifically about newer fans

it's perfectly fine to just not like the song? like if you just don't like that mainstream inauthentic hiphop sound. i get it. i'm still very much holding strong that this isn't true hiphop - it's pop with 'hop hop style'. my opinion on that hasn't changed.

also i was one of the people that really wasn't into hard at all in the beginning - and people were pissed about it. i was told to stop being negative ect ect -

but i had an open mind, and felt differently after it dropped. that's that.

i am not one of those people that think you have to be onboard with everything they put out at all. there are shinee songs that i think are pretty weak. as is normal with a group with such a long-standing and vast discography.

i don't think i'm trying to find a reason to say this doesn’t totally sound like an nct song either? i just think there's more to it.

the song grew on me, what can i say? is it their best? no. but i'm enjoying it.

i have said numerous times though, that i understand why people don't like it. and that everyone is of course totally entitled to their own opinions. i just enjoy the discussion, so i hope you don't think i'm saying you can't not like it anon. that's not my intention. i just think some people's reasoning is off and voiced why i think that.

lol, maybe i have stockholmed myself into liking it? maybe there's no hope for me, and i'm such trash for shinee, that i'm always gonna be doing somersaults to try and excuse when they have a shitty release?

and to say every boy group is doing the same right now. i guess yeah - but i can't fully comment on that because i don't listen to many other new bgs. i tend to go by 4th gens fans reaction, and even a lot of them are thrown off by hard - sorry but that's so shinee.

not every comeback they've had has been toootally new and diversive of the trends. sometimes they conform to what's popular in order to stay relevant. idk if that's controversial to say but?

we always say shinee does something totally out there and different every time, but it just honestly isn't true.

that's not a bad thing.

anyway yeah - i'm sorry you've having a shitty time in regards to fandom right now. i don't agree with people attacking anyone who has a differing opinion, especially without listening to their reasoning - especially those older fans that are voicing their dislike.

[agentreptile]

Tagged by @steeltwigz (ty for the tag!)

shuffle your “on repeat” playlist on spotify & post the first 10 songs and tag 10 people   

I don’t use Spotify anymore (think this is info from last year though), so I’ll do both Spotify and Apple Music’s “Replay ‘23” feature :D (in that order)

1: Peace Sign — The Front Bottoms

Valerie — Addison Grace (only recently discovered and literally can’t stop listening to his music, highly recommend!!)

2: Drop From Our Windows — McCafferty

Your Song — Ewan McGregor and Alessandro Safina (MOULIN ROUGE LIVES RENT FREE IN NY HEAD)

3: Re-Do — Modern Baseball

If Nobody Likes U — Addison Grace

4: You Used to Say (Holy Fuck) — The Front Bottoms

Go to Hell, for Heaven’s Sake — Bring Me the Horizon (A CLASSIC BANGER)

5: Apartment — Modern Baseball

On the Threshold Of Eternity — Starry Musical Cast (haven’t gotten around to listening to the whole album, but literally LOVE this song and can’t exactly explain why) (side note, but Vincent by Don McLean is like number 11 on this shuffle and it’s fitting to be so close dang)

6: montgomery forever — The Front Bottoms

Don’t Do Sadness/Blue Wind — John Gallagher, Jr. & Lauren Pritchard (Spring Awakening!!)

7: Tears Over Beers — Modern Baseball

And the Snakes Start to Sing — Bring Me the Horizon (LOVE THIS OEN SO SO MCHH)

8: Pretty Little Distance — AS IT IS

Lifeboat — Elle McLemore (Heathers musical! this song just keeps popping up when I shuffle my regular playlist for some reason but Seventeen would probably make more sense to be on here lol)

9: Get By — Real Friends

Slipping Through My Fingers — Meryl Streep & Amanda Seyfried (ever since I finally saw this movie with some friends at the college dorms I have had like 3 songs in my bedtime playlist,, became one of my absolute favorite movies and it was a fun experience to watch for the first time with friends at 3 AM lol)

10: The Weekend — Modern Baseball

Come What May — Nicole Kidman & Ewan McGregor (ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS FROM THE MOVIE,, EITHER EL TANGO DE ROXANNE OR SHOW MUST GO ON HOLD THE TOP THOUGH)

WELP. Surprised my most recent listenings aren’t really represented lmao so shoutout to my bedtime playlist which consists mostly of sad/depressing musical songs to cry to and a few extras thrown in for funsies :)) (but specifically shoutout to Michael in the Bathroom from BMC and The Next Right Thing from Frozen 2,,,)

But this was fun :3

Idk who to tag so I’ll tag a pal o’ mine!

@k0mmsussert0d

[fredshufflepuff]

— anon’s request: ok so since i too am a whore for angst. how about the reader and rafe having a summer thing as a kook (maybe she goes to the pogue school but is a kook) and once she goes back to school, they drift apart and rafe gets jealous of her spending her time with the pogues. then maybe he sees her again at mid summers all dressed up and remembers he still loves her. please break my heart with this, im in need of a cry and then maybe put it back together with some fluff at the end? please

— warnings: fem!reader, brief smut (skip if uncomfortable), asshole!rafe for a good chunk of the imagine, language, angst, fluff.

— word count: 2,166

IT all started when you bumped into rafe at the country club on figure eights.

you didn’t normally hang around that area, but you were hanging out with sarah that day—which meant eventually running into her brother.

she tried to keep you away from him, just because he had no filter and didn’t think twice before voicing his opinion, but sooner or later your interaction with the boy would happen.

“oh god” sarah mumbled causing you to raise your brows, a confused frown on your face as she signaled to look behind you.

you turned around not so subtle to see rafe cameron making his way down the grassy hill, a golf club in one hand and a can of beer in the other.

“hey little sis, when were you going to introduce me to your friend here?” the boy spoke, a small grin on his face at seeing her roll her eyes.

“i wasn’t planning on it, you know—considering how you’re an ass.”

a small giggle fell from your lips as rafe turned his attention back to you, the sides of his mouth curling slightly at your reaction.

“well since she won’t introduce me, i will” he said, his figure leaning over yours which was sat on the grass.

he tossed his most likely expressive golf club to the ground to extend his hand out to you, which you hesitated to take before slowly reaching for it.

“i’m rafe cameron.”

of course you knew who he was, everyone did.

“y/n y/l/n.”

YOU thought the interaction with sarah’s older brother was in the past, not having to see him again since you weren’t planning on going back to figure eight or the club any time soon.

but when you found yourself in his bed getting the absolute daylights fucked out of you, you knew right then and there that this wasn’t a one time thing.

“fuck rafe,” you moaned loudly, your head thrown back against the pillow as your eyes fell shut from the feeling.

he slide his cock in and out of your needy hole as you whimpered from under him, his toned body pressed against yours as you jolted from each thrust.

“m’gonna cum, flood this needy little fuck hole” he spat, his hand coming down to grab your face and force you to open your eyes.

“please, rafe. please fill me up” you begged, your little moans and pleads sending the boy over the edge.

as soon as he gave you permission to cum you didn’t hold back. it felt like your entire body had shut down as your head fell to the side.

rafe sent a rough thrust into your quivering body before emptying himself inside, making sure to keep himself as close as possible in order to not let any leak out.

“fuck,” he groaned in your ear, his body pressed against your small one as your hands came up to rest in his hair, pulling on it gently as his cum filled you up.

later that night you didn’t bother sneaking back out to your place, instead rafe suggested you actually stay—running you a hot bath before ordering take out.

it surprised you really, considering how you didn’t know what you guys were.

you both agreed to only be friends with benefits when this all started, but now you didn’t know if you wanted that or not.

you wanted something more with the blue eyed boy.

“what are we?” you asked while laying in his arms, the feeling of his breath trailing down your neck giving you comfort.

“friends with benefits.”

no hesitation was found in his voice. it was quick and sudden, just like your heart breaking.

“oh.”

you didn’t talk much with rafe after that night—leaving early in the morning to avoid further interaction.

rafe didn’t suspect anything though, knowing how busy you usually get with school and home life, but after that single day turned into almost a week, he knew something wasn’t right.

usually you’d be around the house or at the country club, but it felt like you were almost avoiding him.

when school started up that’s when things really started to hit for rafe. you were not only distancing yourself from him, but now you were hanging out with the pogues.

to him you had wiggled yourself into john b’s friend group, getting closer with everyone but mostly jj, the one pogue he despised more than the others.

it was the night of midsommars and you were preparing yourself to see rafe, your nerves seeming to skyrocket every time his name was mentioned.

“ARE you feeling okay, y/n/n? you’re all jittery” kie pointed out, her eyes locking with yours through the vanity mirror as you slowly brushed through your hair.

“i’m okay, kie— really. just nervous for tonight i guess” you shrugged, your response seeming convincing enough as she nodded.

“hey slow pokes! hurry up or we’re going to be late” jj called, pounding on the door making you and kie jump.

“fucking assholes” you mumbled.

MIDSOMMARS was something you always looked forward to.

the lights, the food, the beautiful dresses and people you got to meet—which was rare considering how almost everyone there were stuck up kooks who’s only personality trait was having money.

all except rafe.

he was different towards you, a lot different it was scary.

“jj, don’t get into any more fights, k?” kie sighed, licking the pad of her thumb before dragging it across his face—getting rid of the dirt that had formed there.

he didn’t say who specifically it was with—the fight—just claiming it was with some stupid kooks who didn’t know when to stop talking.

“yeah yeah” he mumbled, running his fingers through his hair before sending you both a small smile.

he picked up his tray and spun it on his finger before sending her a wink, a blush coming to kie’s face as she quickly looked away.

“soooo, you and jj....” you said, the girl’s eyes rolling as she playfully pushed you away.

“enough about me, what about you?”

“me?” you raised an eyebrow, “what about me?”

“don’t play dumb, y/n/n. i’ve seen you come back late with hickeys.”

you grabbed a glass of champagne from one of the waiters walking by and took a long sip from it, your eyebrows twisting together— “this is good, you should try it.”

kie was about to protest until the music started to kick up again, your favorite song playing making you gasp.

you quickly placed the glass on an empty table before taking her hands and pulling her towards the dance floor.

“let’s dance!”

unknown to you—rafe had been watching you ever since you stepped foot into the venue.

IT was almost one in the morning when everyone had left, you and kie sitting at one of the empty tables while you waited for jj to finish up.

you hadn’t had that much to drink, but you could say you were a little tipsy.

“ready to go?” jj asked while throwing his arms around you both, a sarcastic grunt dropping from your lips at the sudden weight.

“we were about to leave yo-”

“well, well, well...if it isn’t the golden trio” a familiar voice spat, your head snapping to the side as your eyes fell on the devil himself.

rafe cameron and his little minions.

“if it isn’t daddy’s money, dumb, and dumber” kie snapped back—referring to topper and kelce who were standing on either side of him.

“put your dog on a leash maybank before we do it ourselves” rafe threatened, only causing jj to break from your side and lunge at the boy.

“jj, stop” you said, grabbing his arm as kie yanked him back, “he wants a reaction.”

“i didn’t see you there, y/n. so quiet and small, hard to notice you.”

which was obviously a lie. rafe noticed you the second he walked into the stupid party.

“what do you want, rafe? getting bored at the country club?” you asked, your lips dropping into a fake pout.

“actually the country club is entertaining, unlike some needy bitches who can’t satisfy my needs.”

your face dropped as kie gasped beside you—jj completely unaware of what was going on but still pissed at the way rafe was speaking to you.

rafe’s face dropped slightly at the realization of what he just said, nothing but lies falling from his mouth as his eyes filled with guilt.

“fuck you.”

YOU didn’t remember much after that. just the events taking place of jj trying to throw another punch at the boys before getting dragged away by kie.

the poor girl was trying to control her hot headed friend while the other was on the verge of tears.

but you refused to cry.

in front of rafe or not, you would not let yourself cry over him.

all you remember is crashing at john b’s house and waking up with a massive headache.

your legs were draped over kie’s as the two of you slept on john b’s bed, the boys taking the couch in the living room.

light from the outside peeked through the curtains as your eyes slowly adjusted to the brightness.

your phone laid next to you on the comforter as your hands dragged it closer.

what you weren’t expecting was a shitload of texts from rafe.

rafe cameron: i’m really sorry

[sent 1:34am]

rafe cameron: y/n

[sent 1:34am]

rafe cameron: i didn’t mean anything i said

[sent 1:36am]

rafe cameron: i was drunk and wasn’t thinking

[sent 1:40am]

rafe cameron: please hear me out

[sent 1:41am]

rafe cameron: meet me at our place

[sent 1:49am]

rafe cameron: 7:30am

[sent 1:51am]

you groaned loudly while reading his texts, the need to throwup swirling in your stomach as you tossed your phone to the side.

you ran your hands over your face as you thought on what to do, biting your bottom lip in the process as you stared at the wall in front of you.

after what felt like an hour of pondering, you let yourself slip off the bed and grab your hoodie that was thrown on the floor.

you were going to see him.

‘WHAT if she doesn’t show’ rafe thought to himself as he sat in the sand, his eyes locked on the waves crashing in front of him.

he was stupid last night.

the boy made a stupid mistake that he regretted deeply.

he just needs to show you how sorry he is.

“rafe.”

his head snapped in the direction of your voice, your figure standing a few feet from his as he then quickly stood up.

he dusted off his pants before nervously making eye contact, his throat suddenly drying up as he attempted to swallow what felt like a rock.

“y/n, i’m s-so so sorry for what i said yesterday. i-i didn’t mean any of it-”

“so what? i’m supposed to forgive you?” you cut off, raising an eyebrow as his mouth fell slightly, “what if it happens again?”

“i-it won’t! i swear it won’t. i was just drunk and jealous and really fucking stupid” he blabbered on, his hands shaking as he tried to defend himself.

“jealous?” you asked, your eyebrows furrowing together as he nodded his head shamefully.

“of you and that stupid pogue.”

“jj?!”

he seemed to visibly retract from your words, his eyes narrowing as he bit the inside of his cheek.

“yeah, him.”

“so you acted the way you did...because of jj?” you slowly asked, his eyebrows knitting together as he stared at you.

“i didn’t mean it, y/n...” he frowned, his face dropping slightly as you waited for him to continue, “please give me another chance, i’ll show you how sorry i am—how much you mean to me.”

it was quiet for a good minute as your thoughts swarmed your mind for a response.

“rafe...”

“y/n, please.”

another minute went by, the only sound coming from the waves crashing along the shore.

“fine.”

IT had been five months since you forgave rafe, and things were honestly going better than you had expected.

after that morning on the beach he took you out on a proper date—ending in him walking you back to your house and even stealing a kiss.

he even stopped starting fights with jj and the other pogues, wanting you to know that he was better than that.

“WHAT do you want to watch?” rafe asked while flipping through channels, one hand holding the remote while the other rested on the small of your back.

“m’not sure, you can pick.”

he hummed in response before clicking on some random channel, not really planning on watching it anyway.

he tossed the remote to the side before looking down at you, admiring your relaxed state with your arms wrapped tightly around his torso.

“you know i love you right?” he suddenly asked, his voice low and soft as he stared at you from above.

“why so gushy, rafe?” you teased, your own head angling up to see him better.

he was so beautiful.

“i’m not gushy,” he rolled his eyes, “i just wanted to remind you.”

you blushed at his words before nuzzling back into the crook of his neck, your lips kissing the delicate skin making him smile.

“i love you too, rafe.”

🏷rafe cameron taglist : @jordynsharum

a/n: could you tell i didn’t know how to end it

[chdarling]

Hey CH! Is the TLE 2 playlist in a particular sequence (like the fifth song for the fifth chapter) or is it somewhat random?

PS : Is family line from Sirius Or Regulus pov? Father and son is definitely Fleamont. I'm still somewhat confused about Astronomy (It gives me wolfstar vibes)

Hi! The songs are in order of the story progression, but they are not laid out exactly chapter by chapter. Some chapters have more than one song, some chapters don’t have any. And some songs can be interpreted to apply to multiple characters. I think “Family Line” could work for either Black brother, but it was meant for Sirius, and in the track order, it roughly lines up with Chapter 15, Glitter and Gold, when Sirius learns about his inheritance.

Astronomy is an interesting one because I had multiple characters/relationships in mind when I added it. It does have wolfstar vibes! In the context of the track list, it takes place during the Christmas party — specifically Lily sitting on the stairs after overhearing James berating Severus, and Severus coming upon her. (Chapter 33, My Old Friend Felix) In my mind, the song is about Severus and Lily’s dying (dead) friendship.

I love the beginning of the song, two kids against the world:

We drive through the woods, rich neighborhoods to watch

We joked as we looked that they were too good for us

'Cause socially speaking, we were the same

And then of course this part is Severus regretting the demise of their friendship:

From far away, I wish I'd stayed with you

But here, face to face, a stranger that I once knew

And I particularly like the chorus

We've traveled the seas, we've ridden the stars

We've seen everything from Saturn to Mars

As much as it seems like you own my heart

It's astronomy, we're two worlds apart

and how it visually relates to this passage:

Lily looked away, her gaze falling back to the enormous oak doors that dominated the entrance hall directly across the stairs. For the tick of one torturous minute, Severus thought she was going to ignore him entirely, as she’d done for so many months now…but then, without looking at him, she said: “D’you remember the first time we walked through those doors?”

He did. How could he ever forget? It was the most consequential day of his life, the day he finally caught up with destiny. He remembered everything about it. The train ride from London with Lily, the little boats they took across the lake, the riotous stars glittering in their galaxies above…Severus had never seen such stars. The skies over Cokeworth had long been blotted out by industry. He’d thrown his head back as they sailed across the lake, smooth and glassy as obsidian, marveling at the constellations above, as though he might read this day, his destiny, written in the heavens alongside the tales of other great legends and heroes.

But I also like this song for that moment, because the lines “as much as it seems like you own my heart / it’s astronomy, we’re two worlds apart” could also be Lily in that moment reflecting on James. She’s admitted her crush (to herself) but he’s just revealed that he has really shitty classist views towards Severus, which also apply to her and she’s thinking about how different they are, how they will always live in two different worlds, etc…

ANYWAY! I got carried away lmao. I could probably write an essay for every song on that playlist, I’ve thought about this so much 🙈🙈🙈

[autisticandroids]

yknow those episodes where a character's whole personality gets split into 3-5 different distinct separate bodies? what bodies would cas have? I feel like it'd just be a mess tbh, imagine 5 different castiels all of them loving dean to a certain extent but showing it VASTLY differently. one cas would literally want to murder the others lmao

okay so i don’t actually think this trope would be an effective tool for analyzing cas? he’s not conflicted enough in himself. he’s too impulsive, too singleminded, too uninhibited. like, in the end, cas always ends up doing whatever he wants. there aren’t multiple discrete voices vying for control, really, or rather, if there are, one is always significantly stronger than the others. like in the end cas will always end up eating raw meat off the floor, you know? he’ll do what he wants. if i was going to do personality splitting i’d do it to someone intensely internally conflicted, like dean.

however, because i’m in an essay writing mood today, i’ll answer a question slightly to the left of the one you asked. cas may not be internally conflicted, but he is intensely changeable. these two things are related, actually; the same impulsivity and singlemindedness that mean he doesn’t have a ton of internal conflict at any given time mean that different ideas sound good to him at different times, because he isn’t really thinking about, say, what future-him will think of them. and he’s not really trying to maintain an image or identity. he’s just doing what feels right at the time, which is very different at different times and in different situations.

anyway, that in mind, i think a lot about ways to bring together many alternate versions of cas which sort of correspond to different times in the show.

i have a fic in my head about a bunch of cas-es pulled from alternate timelines by some kind of spell. so this would be set during the widower arc because the basic impulse here is to show dean a very bad time. just absolutely put him through hell. also, all the alternate timelines are different because different stuff happened, not because cas made different choices, because if we’re torturing dean it has to be like 5x04, the changes in cas can’t be cas’ fault. they have to be dean’s or just like, the universe’s (which makes them dean’s).

so dean is trying to bring cas back, and he finds some kind of spell that can bring someone “from another world.” and he tries it because hey. can’t hurt to try. anyway i’ve thought a long time about different versions of cas i would put in this and here is what i have. in order of when the timeline split off.

- a cas who never raised dean from hell. think 14x13 “lebanon.” this one i’m not too sure about, like, this could be fun, but i don’t know if it’s different enough from the next one. like this castiel would have lived through the averted apocalypse and subsequent general fuckery that happened as an angelic footsoldier, which would actually be pretty interesting now that i think about it, especially since all that stuff would have gone down soooooooo differently without cas specifically for your average angel footsoldier. like cas has PERSONALLY caused more upheaval in heaven in twelve years of spn than there seems to have been in millennia. so he would be the point of view of a normal footsoldier from a totally other world.

- a cas who died mid season four, and is pulled out of the empty in 2017 by this spell. i’m not sure when this cas died. my thoughts are (1) killed in on the head of a pin by alistair, (2) killed during his torture in the rapture, or (3) simply never resurrected after lucifer rising. (3) makes the most sense, but that cas has already thrown away everything for dean. i prefer the idea of a cas who loves dean, is already on the brink of disobedience for him, but has not yet taken the plunge. both on the head of a pin and the rapture are great places for this, and they both have strengths and weaknesses. if he died in the rapture, he was killed by heaven, which is fundamentally more fun, but he was also really very much over the edge already. if he died in on the head of a pin, he wasn’t killed by heaven, but he is perfectly teetering on the brink of falling for dean. regardless of when he died, the purpose of this cas is to be horrified at all the various and myriad ways he has destroyed and corrupted himself for dean in the other timelines.

- possibly endverse cas, who would have died in 2014, but like s4 cas, would have been pulled from the afterlife by the spell. i’m not so sure on this one. we as a society love endverse cas but i dunno what purpose he would serve. maybe endverse cas didn’t die in 2014, and instead was imprisoned by lucifer, because, you know. he’s the only brother lucifer has left. so he is very excited to see dean alive and well, since his dean is dead, and, not being an angel, cas can’t bring him back. the purpose of this cas would be to horrify dean that cas loves him and needs him so much, and to disgust the other cas-es with his neediness.

- a cas who was in some way on better terms with dean during s6. maybe dean and cas ride off into the sunset together after swan song instead of dean going to live with lisa, maybe dean prayed to cas while he was with lisa because he missed him, who knows. either way, cas has dean’s help with the angel revolution in season six from the start, and never goes to crowley. the plan cas and dean come up with to beat raphael includes breaking into the cage and stealing the grace of michael and lucifer, freeing sam and adam in the process. incidentally, it also involves cas possessing dean, because if cas is gonna eat archangel grace to become more powerful, he’s going to need a stronger vessel. so cas and dean have a whole like. midam situation happening. they’re a double archangel together, and godstiel never happened so none of the other terrible apocalypses that stemmed from that happened, and everything is pretty cool where they’re from, and also they’re obviously uhhhhhh SOME kind of together. the purpose of this cas is to upset dean because this cas shows how much better everything could have been and how much better his and cas’ relationship could have been if dean had simply been more considerate of cas in s6, and also freak dean out with how uh. close. this dean and cas are.

- a godstiel who managed to swallow purgatory without swallowing the leviathans and remained god. he’s probably soooomewhat less scary and murdery than canonverse godstiel because no leviathans, so you know, not as many angel purges or massacres on earth. and he probably went and fixed sam’s wall within about three days because cas is prideful but he does NOT like it when dean is mad at him. so they did kiss and make up, and so this cas would have had dean to act as his morality chain. but he’s still very scary and godstiel. and also he refers to dean as “The Beloved” you know. his purpose is to freak everyone out, because he’s scary, but also, for the past cas-es, because he is a terrifying abomination that they could never imagine becoming, for the future cas-es, because he is a reminder of their worst selves, and for dean, because he is a reminder of how dangerous cas is, but also because he uh. obviously has some feelings about his dean. unclear if they are consummated or not.

- a cas who naomi never rescued from purgatory, and who stayed there. hasn't spoken to another being in half a decade, has not recovered from his emotionally destroyed state in purgatory in s8. believes at first that the spell is his dean rescuing him, and is crushed when he realizes he was wrong. like endverse cas, his purpose is to show dean how much cas needs him and depends on him emotionally, and how he (dean) is capable of destroying cas, as well as his guilt for leaving him in purgatory and how lucky he is that his cas got out. this is especially noteworthy since the guilt for leaving cas in purgatory is part of the reason dean is trying to get cas back.

- a cas who stayed human after season nine, and has built himself a small human life over the next four years. he has a job and an apartment and friends outside the winchesters and yes, he still goes hunting after work sometimes, and he's still in contact with dean, but he is also independent in a way no other version of cas has ever been. he exists to freak out dean because dean has never seen cas independent of him. he is also fairly bitter at dean since dean did kind of stop spending time with him when he was no longer useful, and our dean feels guilty for that.

- a cas who showed up twenty minutes later in 10x03, finding sam dead and dean gone, and had to chase down demon dean, and has now spent three years following demon dean around as his tragically adoring stalker, because he hasn't found a way to resurrect sam yet and he doesn't want to put dean through the demon cure until he can save sam because he doesn't want dean to experience that guilt, but he also adores dean and wants to keep an eye on him and keep him safe and also keep him from doing anything too heinous, so he just covertly follows him around the country and watches from a distance as he commits various murders and fucks his way through every local bar scene. and occasionally cas finds dean something to kill, when the mark gets hungry, and drops it in his path. his purpose is to freak dean out with the lengths cas would go for him, and the depths cas would sink to.

anyway. lebanon cas and season four cas are horrified and perhaps disgusted (lebanon cas more than s4 cas) by ALL of the later cas-es, and how far they’re fallen, all of it for dean. godstiel and archangel cas being abominations, endverse cas and s9 cas being fallen, even purgatory cas and demon dean’s cas for their total dependence on dean.

purgatory cas and endverse cas are just happy to see a dean, even if it’s not their dean. demon dean’s cas, too, in a way. he’s happy to see a dean who is still human, who he can still have as a friend.

human cas is pissed to see that he was right, that dean would have stuck by him if he’d still had his powers, that this version of dean is doing spells to try and bring his cas, who is still an angel, back, whereas he and his dean only see each other once every couple months.

everyone is terrified and disgusted by godstiel, as i said before.

they’re mostly kind of thrown by archangel cas. a lot of them are jealous. godstiel is furious because how dare anyone, even an alternate version of himself, take dean as a vessel (even if dean likes it). godstiel isn’t really there, though, he resisted the summoning and just sort of popped his head through to see what was going on, and he goes back to his own reality pretty fast without murdering anyone.

also to be clear dean has not at this point examined or acknowledged any feelings he may have about his cas besides “friendship,” nor has he wondered what feelings his cas may have for him. given how many of the cas-es were clearly in some kind of relationship with their dean (endverse cas, archangel cas) or just openly in love with their dean (godstiel, purgatory cas, demon dean’s cas), dean is forced to reevaluate the nature of his and cas’ relationship.

[13uswntimagines]

Your Ass Is Out of This World (Kelley x Reader)

Request: alex or kelley or sonnett x reader where they've been dating for a few years R is an astronaut for NASA and she gets to go to space

Author’s Note: Special thanks to @literaryhedgehog​ cause without her, none of this would have happened. 

Kelley wasn’t quite sure how she had ended up standing next to a dive bar sipping a lukewarm beer on a Friday night. In her defense, Ali and Ashlyn had convinced her it would be fun and had promised to pay for the Uber rides both ways. It had been fun for a while, dancing with them to some old 70s songs on the light-up dance floor, but half an hour ago they had disappeared off into a hallway somewhere, and she had no intention of third-wheeling (she knew she should have convinced Alex to join them). But she also wasn’t going to leave without them, because she wasn’t convinced either of them were sober enough to take any kind of transportation safely (someone needed to be there to make sure they didn’t puke in someone’s car).

So here she was, standing by the bar waiting for her friends’ sexcapades to be over, nursing her drink. The clink of a glass settling in front of her caught her attention. She blinked at the bartender. “I didn’t order another one,” 

The man’s lips ticked up and he shrugged. “Lady on the end paid for it. Said you looked sad,” 

Kelley looked up, following the man’s eyes towards a woman standing a few seats down the bar from her. She was also standing alone but was dressed as though for a different event altogether. Kelley had embraced the 70s theme of the bar slightly, wearing a jumpsuit and a scarf around her head, but this woman had just thrown a white NASA shirt--like the one Kelley got for her little cousin at Target-- over a pair of black jeans. As she bobbed her head to the music she met Kelley’s eyes and smiled. 

Kelley took that as her invitation to approach. Kelley’s eyes traced her form, lingering on the white material. She didn’t know those came in adult sizes...

“You must be a star, I can't stop orbiting around you” Kelley smiled charmingly as she approached you, setting her beer on the bar beside you and settling in the seat to the left of yours. 

“I do believe I was the one to buy you the drink…” you said, your lips twitching as you tried to keep a serious expression. “Shouldn’t I be the one throwing pickup lines here?”

“You bought me the drink, so I get to be the one to woo you. I’m Kelley, are you from Mars? 'cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity.” Kelley said, wiggling her eyebrows at you, enjoying the light blush coloring your cheeks. 

“Oh my god,” you groaned, “that was terrible. I mean really good but absolutely awful.”

“At least I got you to smile, but you still haven’t told me your name.” Kelley laughed, taking a sip of her beer. She was prepared to lay on the horrible pick up lines for your entertainment. 

“I’m Y/n,” you said, putting down your drink and holding out your hand, “pleasure.”

“They call me the milky way...Pleasure You Can't Measure,” Kelley smiled, shaking your hand as you laughed and pulling you a little closer “Why look at the moon, if I can’t touch it? Why look at your lips, if I can't kiss them,” she said, winking so you knew she was completely joking. 

“How do you know so many of these?” You said, shaking your head in awe. “ All I know off the top of my head is ‘do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of this world!’”

“Ah, a magician never reveals her secrets,” Kelley whispered conspiratoryly, bringing her hand up to cover her lips. “but my team and I have definitely had flirt offs for bonding nights,” 

“Your team?” 

“Yeah, I play soccer for the US and Washington,” She shrugged as if it wasn’t a huge accomplishment. 

Your eyes widened and you nearly spat out your drink. “Didn’t they, like, just win a World Cup?” 

“Yeah, No biggie,” Kelley said, side-eyeing you as she took another sip. 

“No biggie?  I’m surprised you don’t have a swarm of paparazzi shadowing you, that’s incredible! Weren’t the USWNT like the most successful US team in soccer?’

“Hm, there’s not enough drama for them, but we don’t mind. How about you? What do you do beautiful?” Kelley hummed. 

“Oh. I work for NASA,” you said, gesturing at the shirt. “I can’t wait to bring some of those lines back to work.”

“What??” 

****

“So do they at least give you a good choice of flavors? So you don’t get bored and stuff?” Emily asked from across the table, licking her dripping I cream cone. 

When your girlfriend decided to introduce you to the team after their match against Colombia, you were quite surprised she had chosen an ice cream shop as a venue. But with how food motivated the youngins seemed, you realized how appropriate it was. 

“I mean,” you said, your spoon suspended in the air as you blinked at Emily, “ice cream isn’t the only thing we will eat. I’m going to be on the station for like 8 months. Ice cream is not a balanced diet.”

“But it’s the only one they sell in the stores. You don’t have to lie cause the veggie lovers are here,” The defender said, leaning across the table, as though it would prevent the rest of the table from hearing her. 

“Babe, you literally love most veggies too,” Lindsey rolled her eyes, using her thumb to wipe a spot of chocolate ice cream from Emily’s nose. 

“Actually, I heard they’re a pretty good selection of dehydrated fruits and veggies and MRE’s and Tortillas and stuff. Plus I get to take a few things from home…” You mumbled, leaning back. 

She couldn’t be serious right? There was no way she thought you were supposed to sustain yourself on horrible freeze-dried dairy products for that long. Not to mention, freeze-dried ‘astronaut’ products for the most part weren’t actually possible to bring to space, with how crumbly they are. You were more likely to eat actual ice cream on the space station (less chance for an errant crumb being inhaled or destroying an important piece of equipment) than that gift shop garbage. 

“Oh yeah, MRE sounds way more likely than just eating the stuff they literally label as being for astronauts…” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “What does that even stand for? ‘Must reject Emily?”

You opened your mouth to answer, eyebrows furrowed, only for Kelley to nudge you softly. 

“It’s not worth the fight babe, trust me. Not the brightest lighthouse if you know what I mean,” Your girlfriend made a swirling motion with her finger next to her temple. 

You leaned in closer so your lips were nearly touching her ear. “She’s not serious right?” 

“I never joke about ice cream,” Emily answered seriously. 

You blinked at her, looking to your girlfriend who just shrugged and raised her eyebrows. 

“I’m, I’m not sure if they have a flavor rotation system for ice cream flavors. We haven’t been… briefed on that yet,” you nodded seriously. 

…...

“Can you hear me?” Kelley said, tapping her fingers impatiently as your face appeared in the video call. 

“He- -utiful,” You smiled through the glitchy computer screen. Your waving was broken up like a bad claymation. You leaned in to make out the fuzzy figures standing behind your girlfriend, assuming she was at camp or something. 

Normal long distance sucked, but literally being off-planet really made things difficult. It wasn’t like Kelley could just text you when she missed you, or randomly call you when she missed you at 3 am. Sure, she could email and you made a tremendous effort to schedule calls once a month, but it was still incredibly difficult (and slightly weird that a NASA tech dude had to monitor each call to make sure the connection stayed up). And sometimes even the best video-calling technology had issues. Like today (when a giant satellite or piece of space trash would block the signal). 

“Are you hav- -un at -amp?” You asked, grabbing your floating water pouch pushing out a sip sized water drop. 

“Yeah, it’s great,” Kelley said, watching you munch on your water. When you first got on the station you sent her pictures of artwork you made out of different drops of colored water- specifically making a giant water ‘soccer ball’ for her. Then you tried to boop it around and ended up losing control, amusing all your crewmates who watched you trying not to run into too many walls. “We’re looking forward to playing against Brazil on Friday, should be brutal.” 

“We’re set to be ov- Florida on -day, so I’ll try and tune into the ga-. Catch a nice - view,” You nodded, wiggling your eyebrows (which looked more like you having a seizure due to how badly you were pixelated). 

While Kelley wasn’t entirely sure what you were saying, she went ahead and nodded. “Let me know what you think!”

“Wh- color -it are you w-ing? Y- look -uper s-xy in the -ue,” you said, floating up in a ‘draw me like one of your french girls’ pose. 

“You’re favorite one,” Kelley said, winking at you. 

“-es!!” You cheered “-ake p-ture -or -“ the screen flickered dangerously for a second. Before a wobbly picture returned. 

“Babe you’re breaking up, I can’t tell what you’re saying. Y/n. Are you there? UGh. I love you! We’ll talk soon.”

“-ove y- -oo” 

Kelley blew a slow kiss to her camera before she heard a deep voice saying “Sorry ma’am. The connection was lost. Y’all still have five minutes on your scheduled call- Want me to try calling again? See if the signal improves?”

“Yeah,” Kelley shifted, rubbing the bridge of her nose as typing sounds echoed through the speaker. How she was going to make it through four more months of this she had no idea. 

“What if like the ship was attacked by aliens or something,” Sonnett whispered from her left, staring at the blank screen with real trepidation. 

“Not possible ma’am,” she heard him laugh. “But I doubt I would have the right level of security clearance to know.”

“great.”

Kelley grabbed a pen and marked a day off the calendar hanging on her wall. So much for ‘phone call with Y/n.’ She sighed. Just a few months to go. 

****

Gravity fucking sucked. It was disorienting and heavy and made you sick to your stomach. Space station alums always talked about re-entry and how bad that was, but you thought sitting in a NASA hospital bed while your equilibrium readjusted was way worse than your fireball craft plummeting into the ocean. 

“This fucking sucks,” You groaned, again throwing your hand over to pull out the IV. You hated how hard it was to move (and how you actually had to hold up a cup of water to get a drink but that was beside the point). 

“Whoa babe, I know you’re a little out of it right now, but that has to stay in. Just try and relax for a little while,” Kelley said, grabbing your hand and kissing the back of your knuckles. 

You frowned at her through heavy-lidded eyes. “Don’t wanna be here. Wanna be home with you.” 

“I know, but you gotta stay here until the re-entry symptoms have worn off a little more,” She said again. She knew that you weren’t going to be 100% when you stepped out of the spacecraft, but she hadn’t expected you to be so out of it. You were sick to your stomach and entirely unable to walk without assistance. 

The doctors assured her that you would be fine (residual effects from not being in gravity for so long and the impact of the landing or whatever), but it was still difficult to watch. It didn’t help that you were a horrendous patient. 

“Just watch the game. The US is even in Blue,” Kelley tried to coax. Even she was beginning to grow restless. But you couldn’t leave until you could keep down solid foods. 

“I don’t want to watch. You’re not in it,” You said, grabbing the remote from her and turning the television off. Then you tried to set the remote in the air, but instead of hovering like it should have done, it dropped to the ground. 

“Alright, commander Y/l/n. It’s dinner time,” one of the NASA hospital nurses said, bringing in a tray for you. Kelley thanked them as they left since you were too dazed to think of it.  

“God this food sucks, I hate jello ” you grumbled, lifting the spoon in front of your face (fully expecting it to float so you could take your bite) and dropping it as you want to open the pudding packet instead. “I just want a big juicy cheeseburger. With bacon and onions and-“ You trailed off, your mouth watering at the thought. You hadn’t had proper food in 8 months, and it had been your major cravings food. 

“A side of diabetes” she scoffed, picking up the discarded remote and spoon, “And are you going to keep dropping things everywhere?” She asked, carefully filling a spoon with chocolate pudding and guiding it to your mouth. 

“Fuck Newton. Things are supposed to float,” 

****

You loved the soft skin behind Kelley’s ear. It was so smooth, and it always smelt like a mix of her perfume, shampoo, and something inherently Kelley. It was a bonus that your exploration of the area always sent a shiver down her spine. You ran your nose along the skin there, nibbling on her ear before moving down her neck. Leaving little kisses along your path. Kelley sighed, sleepily scratching your scalp and tilting her head to the side to encourage you to continue. 

“You,” Kelley said. “ I like you.”

“Hm, I’m glad. It would be kinda scary if you were doing this with someone you didn’t like,” you mumbled against her skin, unwilling to part with it for even a moment. Kelley giggled at the tickling sensation. How you still had so much energy after you had thoroughly worn her out getting… reacquainted she would never know.

 “But what do you like most. Tell me, babe,” You said, moving your lips a little lower, towards where her shoulder and neck met. 

“I love… your ass. It’s out of this world.” She said sleepily, reaching around to grab her favorite asset of yours. 

“Well, it has been,” You laughed, pulling away reluctantly so you could look her in the eyes. 

“Shut up you goof,” She rolled her eyes, grabbing a pillow and whacking you lightly. You fell over dramatically, pulling her so she was on top of you. 

“Hm, I’m your goof,” 

“Yeah. You are. And babe?” She smiled down at you, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips. 

“Hmm?” You hummed against her lips. She leaned back to look you in the eyes, one forearm across your chest and her other hand beside your head supporting her. 

“No more space travel for a while?” 

 “Pinky promise,” You said, wiggling your hand so your littlest finger connected with hers. 

“Good. I can’t believe I was dating someone from TEXAS for a while.” Kelley pretended to shudder. “Jus think, one of your coworkers might have been a Houston dash supporter!”

[massivedrickhead]

Bechloe Week 2021 - Day 2

July 27th: Bed sharing/one bed

Read on AO3

Fun fact - everything I’ve written/will write for Bechloe week this year are all part of the same universe, but they won’t be posted in chronological order. So at the end of the week I’ll probably put something up with a list of the prompts in chronological order :)

-

Beca was pretty sure that sharing a bed with Chloe Beale was simultaneously the worst and best thing that had ever happened to her.

It was almost unbearable to be that close to her without being able to touch her in the way she really wanted to.

Strike that.

It was unbearable.

But Beca couldn’t sleep any other way.

On those occasions when Chloe would sleep elsewhere, Beca would find herself unable to drop off.

She’d be up most of the night tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable, unable to shut her mind off.

It was as if Chloe’s mere presence could calm Beca in a way that nothing else could.

And then they would have these moments of complete vulnerability late at night.

Chloe would reach out with a featherlight touch and run a hand through Beca’s hair. So gentle that sometimes Beca thought she was imagining it.

“Bec?”

“Hmm?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“M’kay.”

Beca would roll over, still practically asleep, and lift her arm, allowing Chloe to either scoot back into her - making Beca the big spoon - or for her to rest her head on her chest.

Beca was usually already asleep by the time Chloe had gotten into a comfortable position, but she always seemed to register the soft “thanks,” that Chloe would whisper.

On those nights when it was Beca’s turn to be comforted, Chloe seemed to always know without Beca having to ask.

Logically, Beca knew it was probably down to the fact that Beca tossed and turned more, or played on her phone for longer, that tipped Chloe off, but she liked to think that Chloe just… knew.

“What do you need?” Chloe would ask, her voice quiet and thick with sleep.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Can you do the hair thing?”

“Mhm.”

Chloe would then lie on her side and gently run her hands through Beca’s hair, her nails lightly scratching her scalp.

Her other hand would rest on Beca’s side or stomach - depending on if she was on her back or side - and her thumb would sweep gently back and forth.

In the daylight, neither would mention these moments. They’d usually wake up back on their respective sides, and if they didn’t whoever woke up first would pull away and climb out of bed - usually waking the other in the process.

And while these moments were nothing short of tortuous for Beca, they were still the favourite part of her day.

Because at two or three in the morning, nothing else matters. There are no distractions. No texts or emails to answer. No potential to be interrupted. Nowhere they needed to be.

They could just exist in the quiet together. Their bed was an island in the room. They could ask questions that, in the cold light of day, could be forgotten or ignored. They could share secrets or confess insecurities that neither would at any other time of day.

“Bec, do you believe in soulmates?”

“I don’t know. I think so. Do you?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

-

“If I hadn’t kissed Jesse, do you think things would be different?”

“Different how?”

“I don’t know. Just different. I dated him throughout all of college, maybe I missed experiencing some things?”

“Do you regret dating him so long?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

-

“Chlo’?”

“‘Yeah?”

“What if I don’t make it as a producer? What if I’m not good enough?”

“You’re the most talented person I know. You’ll make it.”

-

Over the years of being best friends with Chloe, she’d always had a crush on her. It had been a harmless thing really, she assumed everyone had a crush on Chloe.

Especially after a drunken confession to Aubrey had caused the blonde to let out a snort of laughter and say “girl, same.”

But this last year or so that they’d spent sharing a bed - sharing more of themselves with each other than they’d ever done before - Beca had fallen hard and fast and completely in love with Chloe.

Which, let’s be honest, wasn’t an ideal situation. Especially considering that, about three weeks ago, Chloe had started dating Chicago.

“He rescued us from the Med, Beca. I think I owe him a date.”

“Technically Amy and I rescued you. He turned up after the hard bit was done.”

Wearing a new dress and her highest heels, Chloe had thrown Beca a wink and said “don’t wait up!” as she left their apartment to meet him for the third time this week.

Once the door closed, Beca flopped back dramatically on the bed and let out a groan.

“You know you could tell her!” Amy called from her bedroom. “Actually, ignore that, that’s a bad idea. If she turned you down it would make our living situation way more awkward.”

“When not if,” Beca said, miserably. “Have you seen the abs on Shit-ago?”

(Yes, her nickname for Chicago was unnecessarily mean and childish, but give her a break.)

“If Chloe hadn’t accepted the date I would have climbed him like a tree,” Amy said.

“You could save me a lot of pain if you’d use those millions of dollars you have to move out so I could at least have my own room,” Beca said.

Amy left her room and was also looking dressed up for a night out.

“I’m doing you a favour captain,” Amy said. “If I move out you’ll have no excuse to share a bed anymore, and I know you can’t sleep without her. Besides, when she eventually moves in with Chicago, you won’t be able to afford the rent on your own.”

“Please don’t use his real name, it humanises him,” Beca said. “And what makes you think she’d move in with him? Has she said anything?”

“Not specifically, no. But things are obviously going well between them. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that Chloe has found ‘the one’,” Amy said. “So, you know, if you’re going to make a confession of love, time’s ticking.” She checked her phone. “I gotta go. If you are going to comfort eat please leave my Ben & Jerry’s out of it.”

“I make no promises,” Beca said.

“Hmm, due to your pathetic state, I’ll let you off. See you tomorrow!”

Beca spent the remainder of her night feeling sorry for herself, and making some truly self-indulgent mixes.

There were so many songs about unrequited love that Beca was never short of material, and when she finished she saved them in a hidden password-protected so no-one else could even accidentally listen to them.

No, these mixes weren’t going to help her career but they did make her feel at least a little bit better.

The crying and eating Amy’s ice-cream had helped too of course.

Beca was in bed by the time Chloe got back that night, and even thought she wasn’t asleep she pretended she was.

Chloe could always tell when Beca had been crying, and she definitely did not want to talk about the reason why.

So she closed her eyes when she heard the keys in the door, and kept them closed as the lights came on which was followed by the sound of high-heeled shoes walking across the apartment.

She felt the bed dip behind her, and heard the click of Chloe’s lamp turn on.

The bed jostled again, and the main light went off.

She heard running water from the bathroom as Chloe washed off her makeup and brushed her teeth, and then the sound of drawers opening as she searched for pyjamas.

She heard Chloe undressing, and tried not to picture it. She hoped Chloe didn’t need help with unzipping her dress, because she didn’t know if she could handle that right now.

Eventually the bed dipped again and the light went out.

She felt Chloe gently tug at the blankets so she could cover herself.

Then there was nothing but a calm silence.

Beca could tell by the way that Chloe was breathing that she wasn’t asleep yet and before she could stop herself, she was rolling over to face her.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hi,” Chloe replied. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Beca just smiled as she looked at Chloe’s face in the moonlight. She was so beautiful.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Beca said. “How was your night?”

They were both whispering, even though they were the only two people in the apartment, and it was only a little after midnight.

“Fine,” Chloe said. “What did you get up to?”

“Made some mixes,” Beca said. “Before you ask, no. They’re not ready yet.”

Chloe grinned. “Not even for me?”

“Especially not for you.”

“Spoil sport,” Chloe said.

They fell into an easy silence while they just continued to look at each other, and Beca felt that tug in her heart again.

She wanted more than anything to just reach out and touch her. To tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. To sweep her thumb across her jaw.

To kiss her.

God, she wanted to kiss her.

She swallowed, and turned so she was lying on her back.

Amy was right. Time was running out if she was going to say something. And Beca knew she had to say something.

She just didn’t think she could look at Chloe while she said it.

“Is everything okay?” Chloe asked, in her gentlest voice that was always Beca’s undoing.

She just had to do it. She had to rip the bandaid off and deal with whatever came after.

If Chloe turned her down… well… their friendship could survive that.

Right?

“Are you gonna move in with Chicago?”

If she’d been looking at Chloe she’d have seen her frown.

“What? No, what made you ask that? We’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks,” Chloe sounded genuinely confused, and it spurred Beca on. “We’ve been on, like, six dates.”

“But is that something you could see yourself doing? With him, I mean.”

“I… I don’t know. I don’t really know him, I hadn’t thought about it. Why?”

Beca swallowed again.

It was now or never.

“Chloe, I… fuck, this is… look, this is hard, okay. I’m not good at this.”

“Bec, you’re kinda freaking me out,” Chloe said. She sat up and switched on the lamp on her nightstand.

Beca felt instantly exposed and vulnerable - way too vulnerable - and she was up and off the bed in seconds.

“Beca-”

“Just… just give me a second,” Beca said, her heart beating uncomfortably.

She could feel tears building in her eyes and, at that exact moment, they heard the sound of keys in the door before Amy walked in.

“Funny story,” she said, shutting the door and walking further into the room. “Turns out it’s next week that I’m staying-”

She stopped abruptly, realising she had stepped into some kind of emotional minefield.

“Uh oh,” she said. “Beca when I said you should tell her I didn’t mean toni-”

“Nope!” Beca said, loudly cutting her off before walking into the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

Okay, so this wasn’t exactly going to plan.

She had locked herself in the bathroom and was maybe on the verge of a panic attack.

Not an ideal situation.

“Beca,” Chloe said, knocking on the door. “Come on, you can’t stay in there forever.”

I can try, Beca thought.

When Beca didn't respond, or give any indication that she would come out of the bathroom anytime soon, Chloe turned to Amy with a huff of frustration.

“What just happened?”

“So… she didn’t tell you anything?”

“No! I think she was about to tell me something and then…” Chloe trailed off with a shrug. “I don’t know. Something freaked her out and then you showed up.”

“Look this is really not something I should - or want to - be involved in,” Amy said. “So I’m just gonna…” She jerked a thumb towards her bedroom. Amy made a hasty retreat and Chloe returned to the bathroom door.

“Beca, please,” Chloe said. “Look, even if you don’t wanna talk to me, can you just unlock the door so I can go pee. I’ve had like a full bottle of wine tonight and you know how small my bladder is.”

She heard the lock slide and Beca opened the door.

Chloe could see tears in her eyes despite the fact that Beca was doing everything in her power to avoid looking at her.

“Thank you,” Chloe said, as Beca moved aside to let her in.

It hadn’t been a lie, Chloe really did need to pee, so after she closed the door behind her, Beca sat down on the bed and let her head drop into her hands.

It’s probably for the best, she thought. It would ruin everything.

The light from the lamp had had the same sobering effect of daylight.

It reminded her of all the reasons she hadn’t told Chloe how she felt, and why she shouldn’t tell her now.

Any fantasies she could conjure up during the night were always chased away by the day.

While Chloe was stroking her hair in the moonlight, it was easy to imagine that they could be together, but those hopes were always replaced with facts the next day. And the same thing was happening now.

Beca felt something hard lodge itself in her chest as she came to a realisation.

She couldn’t keep doing this.

She’d have to start looking for a new place.

When she heard the toilet flush and the sound of running water she quickly wiped her eyes.

She didn’t look at Chloe when she came out, and kept her eyes fixed on her clasped hands in front of her.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”

“No,” Beca said. “It’s… it’s nothing. It was dumb. Can we just go to sleep?”

“Sure,” Chloe said with a sigh.

Beca didn’t get into bed until the light was off and then she lay with her back to Chloe.

“Night Bec.”

Beca swallowed again, hoping her voice was steady. “Night.”

Beca’s phone then lit up on her bedside table.

Amy: omg tell her or I will!!!

Beca read it, smiled briefly, and then locked her phone.

She didn’t say anything else, but after a few minutes of silence, Chloe rolled over and wrapped her arm around Beca’s middle. Her other hand started stroking through her hair.

“You get a headache when you cry,” she said softly, answering the question Beca hadn’t asked.

Something broke inside Beca, and she knew she couldn’t keep it in any longer.

“I’m in love with you Chloe.”

Chloe’s hand stilled and Beca’s heart seemed to stop beating.

The silence stretched on, and Beca had to fight every urge to run.

And then Chloe’s arm tightened around Beca’s waist, and she pulled her closer.

“What took you so long?”

Beca laughed and turned around to face her. Their faces were inches apart now, and Beca could see the tears building in Chloe’s eyes.

“I was scared,” she said, her voice breaking. “I was so fucking scared. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You could never lose me,” Chloe replied. “You will never lose me. I promise.”

Her eyes traveled over Beca’s face, flicking between her eyes, looking for doubt or regret. She didn’t see either. She saw love and adoration. She saw vulnerability, hope, and a tiny fraction of fear.

“I’m in love with you too, Bec.”

And then the fear was gone from her eyes and her face broke into a grin.

“Yeah?” Beca asked, letting out a tearful laugh.

“Yeah,” Chloe replied.

“Can I kiss you?”

Chloe nodded, and their lips met a second later.

Tomorrow, in the cold light of day, Chloe would tell Chicago she didn’t think they should see each other anymore. Tomorrow, she would ask Beca on a date and if it went well - which she knew it would - she would ask her to be her girlfriend.

Tomorrow, when the sun was up, she would repeat these things they’d said to each other in the moonlight.

She’d tell Beca she loved her.

She’d tell Beca she’d always loved her.

And Beca would say it back. A thousand times. In a thousand different ways.