#there’s been changes with my health and medication so I kinda have to deal with that first

[butchpeace]

hi there! thank you so much for you're response to my anon ask- i was honestly expecting you to mock me and then tell me im in a cult and am bringing down other women- which is the response i usually get when trying to ask radfem blogs things- i understand why they would say this but i am asking questions genuinely. I've looked through the medical articles linked in your page, I'll be honest it is concerning but currently I am enjoying the physical and mental changes on testosterone and dont want that to stop- obviously while paying attention to my body and working with my doctor if any issues occur. i think i'll talk about doses with my doctor to understand what options i have when i want to taper off or vaguely slow down, i hope my approach to medical transition isnt seen as aggravating or flippant this is just my general philosophy about things :) i dont know i kinda feel like crying this is kinda the first radfem space i have felt safe in?

i enjoy having a deep voice- being hairy, being flat chested and these are all things women can do-- i feel that my decisions to get a mastectomy and be on hormones to achieve this shouldnt be used to kick me out of butch spaces but maybe im just being naive 🤷

A lot of radfems have that knee jerk reaction to trans identified women. Those are the kinds of people who pushed me away from radical feminism before I transitioned, so I know how that feels!

There aren’t a lot of people who both identify with radical feminism and also have the empathy and understanding needed to help us work through our gender issues. My goal is to be the person I needed back then.

My viewpoint is that people have a wide variety of different feelings about their gender, but at its core it all comes down to the same thing: The inability to accept our bodies as they are.

That’s something butch women particularly have been dealing with for a very long time. Of course butches want to be more masculine. Why wouldn’t we? We live in a patriarchy, and physical masculinity and androgyny is considered attractive in butches.

But my opinion is that accepting our bodies as they are should be the ultimate goal, and that messing with our hormonal systems and having cosmetic surgeries is objectively a negative thing. Not just because of health risks, but also because it’s a way of rejecting femaleness. I believe that all forms of rejecting the female aspects of our bodies come from misogyny. Because of that, giving in to the pressure to change our bodies isn’t a positive thing in the big picture, even if it makes us feel subjectively better about ourselves.

But I feel that way about all cosmetic surgery, including botox and all the other things women do to alter themselves. I don’t think that the way we’ve altered ourselves is any different from what they’re doing. I’m against all of it, but I don’t see us as the problem, I see patriarchy as the problem.

Whether radfems agree with it or not, the fact is that many butch women have taken hormones and have had mastectomies, and we are still women. Testosterone and mastectomies are so widespread among butch women these days that it’s kinda just part of who we are at this point. That doesn’t mean it’s a good thing or that it should be encouraged, and people have the right to criticize it. But we should be accepted.

Our appearances are altered but that doesn’t change who we are, and it doesn’t change the fact that we need community and a sense of belonging.

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT 10 months: Big changes

Content warning: Dark tone, discussions of identity death

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Oh, right. I kinda forgot to write in this thing. It's certainly been a long time. I'm still not allowed at work, but I've been assured that I'm not going to be fired or anything. Apparently, they want to see if slimes have any roles in construction that would be less of a danger to myself and others. Not that I could go back if I wanted to, I've been having dizzy spells all day for the past week. It's probably some new change to my body. Oh my god, I forgot to write about the changes. There's a lot to catch up on, and thankfully, it'll all be positive this time!

First of all, I’ve been meeting up with the Doc every month, but this time he hasn't chewed me out for not writing in this journal, he thinks I'm writing out a new page every week. All I need to do is tell him what he wants to hear. It makes me wonder if I actually could have just lied about living as my preferred species for the past two years. Not that I ever really figured out what that meant (Should I have like? Absorbed my food through my skin??) Either way the Doc has never had anything important to say, it's always the same questions, a physical exam, and then he tells me what changes I should expect, and he's usually wrong. Like a few months ago, he thought I was going to gain translucent skin. Nope. Tongue is now made of goo. I mean, my skin started to change eventually, but, ok, let's just go in chronological order with everything that's happened so far.

So my tongue and presumably most of my insides have turned into a solid bunch of goo. It'll probably dissipate once the rest of my mouth changes too. It's made eating interesting. I don't have taste buds anymore, which sucks and drives me crazy sometimes, but now I don't have to worry about how gross health foods are. There are some other pretty big downsides though. I've had to change up my diet a lot to avoid blacking out, because yeah, that happened a while back. It's ok now. I think it was just a new body needing different levels of nutrition. It should be fine now, at least cause it hasn’t happened again.

The big change is my skin. It's finally began to change, the doc said my skin was supposed to transform into a translucent gel, but instead, I got a new gooey layer to my body that gets cloudier and cloudier every day. It's just on my limbs at the moment, but it's been spreading outward as time goes on. It’ll probably cover me within the next month. There's definitely some change going on underneath, but I can't say I know what that might be. It can definitely hurt like hell from time to time, but I got used to the pain, and I mean, that means it’s working, right? I’m finally becoming a slime. Really, truely a slime!

To be real for a second though, things have been really scary. It's been great and all to see progress these past months, but it's terrifying not knowing how the changes will go. This is a brand new treatment after all. Not a single other slime has developed the way I have, and it seems like that doctor doesn’t even know how it’s supposed to work. These dizzy spells and headaches have been getting worse lately, and every new change seems to have some sort of downside. Don't get me wrong I still want to be a slime, but it's been…

1 week later

Doctor Hans: "And that's the last of your journal. It's a shame to learn you've been lying to me about your notes. Perhaps things wouldn't come to this if you'd been more studious."

Mayday: "It was your faulty medication that made me pass out. Besides, I've blacked out before, I don't see why this is such a big deal. Not like we can do anything about it, right?"

"You didn't wake up for three days! You could have died if your friends hadn't brought you here! Your brain started dissolving Ms. Mulberry! You’re growing new organs that we know nothing about! It could be a replacement brain, or it could be a cancer. Without proper study, your very life could be in danger, and despite what you may think of me, my top priority is the safety of my patients. I am sorry for the damage I’ve done to you already, but I’ll have to cancel your prescription for now."

"What? Y-you can’t do that?! You think that it's ok to just remove my happiness? This has to be illegal, right? You can't just do that? You can just use the normal slime medication, right? The kind that other slime I met used, that’ll be fine, I’m ok with that, I don’t need to shift my texture and color, it’s fine!"

"No Ms.Mulberry, it isn’t fine. Putting you on a different HRT even for a slime could lead to catastrophic results, It’d be more dangerous than having you continue with your current prescription. I’m sorry, but I can not allow you to continue with your transition until we know it will be safe. I’ll just need more time to study the effects. It hopefully won't take long. The CT scans we've gained have been quite helpful. If you're lucky, you can continue transitioning in six months."

Dr. Hans laid out the photos in front of me. My bones were barely visible, and my organs were either gone or transparent. Half of my brain was missing and replaced with what looked like a stomach with plant roots twirling out of it. Terror struck me the more I looked. A person's insides were never something I could handle well, but seeing my brain being a half and half abomination was a horror I couldn't look away from.

"Is it safe to let it stay like that? Shouldn't I keep taking my treatment so it fully forms into whatever this core is? Sure, a lot of this stuff has hurt, but isn't it more dangerous to just leave me halfway?"

"Ms.Mulberry… Preliminary psych exams have shown that you've sustained a significant amount of memory loss. A normal slime would have the brain dissolve near the end of their transition, with specialized cells acting as neurons and allowing the whole slime to act as one brain, the HRT for them is designed so that the neural pathways of the brain transfer over to the new pathways of a slime. But your body doesn't have the gel to do that. If whatever you have is a new brain, then it's clear it's not copying your mind correctly. It's very likely you would forget your entire life if this process continued. In the best case scenario you’ll be left with some memories and irreparable damage to your life. Worst case, complete identity death."

"So that's it, there's nothing for me. I'm going to stay like this forever. Just half a slime that doesn't fit in anywhere. No job, no community, alone, isolated, afraid, and damaged. Is starting over from scratch really that bad?"

"Please think of how your friends and family would feel. It's not like they'd abandon you. You can wait until I make sure your mind won't disappear, and then continue your medication. There is a chance you won't fully transition after such a large gap, but it will be worth it, I assure you."

"I'm so tired of doing things to please others. I don't even remember what my job was or what my father looks like. Why should I care about other people when I won't even remember them? Why should I care about this stupid life I have if the universe is just going to hurt me over and over again. Can't I be selfish about one thing in my life. I just want the one thing that will make me happy. Isn't that what we're taught. To fight for what is right? Being a slime is right for me. I don't care about the cost."

"If that is what you wish, you have that right. I legally can't let you continue your treatment until we know it isn't life threatening, but you have the right to start taking it again after another three weeks of observation. If you truly do not care about the consequences of your transition, that is. I only ask that you spend this time thinking things through."

"I will..."

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Mention list: @a-shramp , @calliecwrites

[majulians-groupie]

HEEYYY yall this is my first ever headcannon post,I know I am super late to the fandom,I haven't been here since middle school but I replayed the game again and I MISSED MY DUMBASS CHAOTIC THEATER KID DOCTOR🥺✨️✨️

•Sooοο..I am having a lupus flare and I lowkey need this so yeah this is for all my wonderful people that deal with chronic fatigue/pain/illnesses in general,we got this babes😭✌️✌️

 

♡Julian,and Asra with an MC that deals with Lupus♡

•

✨️🐦‍⬛✨️🐦‍⬛Julian✨️🐦‍⬛✨️🐦‍⬛:

Well,one could definetely say fighting the devil,saving the world, AND learning that you died but been brought back to life is more than enough to make a healthy person stressed and tired.Well...let's just say than in your case you needed a minimum of a few days of a well earned break to deal with your after-chaotic-route-events flair.

That's when you first made a real discussion about that autoimmune disease you were telling him about,(he was trying SOOO hard to learn more,always asking you details as discreetly as he could ,but you wanted to have a proper discussion with him about it,and the events of the route kinda got in the way)

•Good thing about him being a doctor:He generally knows what Lupus is and understands how it can affect you in your everyday life,so you don't have to explain much to him.Additionally, you wont have to worry about scaring/shocking him when it comes to your symptoms( 95% he has heard of them before,not that it still doesn't kill him  everytime he sees you going through them tho)

•Bad thing about being an anxious doctor is: HE ADORES YOU TO BITS,so he freaks a little bit out at first,exactly because he understands the seriousness of the situation

He tries to appear calm so as not to not freak YOU out (he knows that would only be worse for your health,since anxiety and autoimmune diseases are a really bad pair),but you could swear you could hear the gears up in his brain overworking themselves

•Darling...I had no idea (mesmerized that you were kicking the devil's AND lupus' ass at the same time)

•Let's be real here though..we are talking about the person that successfully amputated another person's arm as a teenager and saw the importance of blood in diseases WAY beyond his time.This man is canonically a genius,so yayy you have the best healthcare professional at your service (shall I remind you of the little detail that he also ADORES YOU TO BITS and would work his ass off, just at the hope of discovering something that would provide some improvement/relief on your symptoms)

•He went as far as to consider changing his medical field,but that's where you had to overstep and gently remind him the boundaries between him being your partner and him being your doctor.

You explained to him that there is no reason for him to abandon his life's work (blood researching) and that you would hate to see him leave from a field  he is really passionate about, just to make his life's goal and obsession around you

•He begrudgingly sees the reason behind your words and wont insist,but won't stop studying medical books,staying up to date with latest medical researches,and generally knowing almost as much about the disease as a rheumatologist does.

•However,It takes him a while to find the balance between caring for you as a partner,and caring for you as a doctor.He is constantly doting on you and being overprotective,because he has knowledge of every single thing that could go wrong.If you are on immunosuppressants,flu season makes him PARANOID.He can get a little bit overbearing at times,but you can't get mad at him because you know that only happens because he cares so deeply about you.If he gets too much for you to handle,you have a calm conversation where you explain to him that he needs to trust you more and that you know how to take care of your own body and it's needs.

*-Honey you don't need remind me to take my pills every 30 minutes,and me sneezing once does not mean I have the flu!*

•He finds the silver lining by prescribing to you *-all encompassing- warm,soft hugs and a thousand kisses*.Even though he is usually the little spoon,if you are in pain,he cradles you in his embrace,humming pirate tunes to you,his chin resting on your hair to make you calm and get the rest you need (ironically,he is very strict about your sleep schedule,which you make sure he follows as well,overall a win-win situation)

•If and when you need an arthrocentesis,he will insist on doing it himself just to be sure (even though doing a procedure like this on a loved one would stress him the fuck out).It's not that he doesn't trust your doctor,it is just that he hates not being in control of important situations,let alone one that has to do with your health.If the rheumatologist does not give in ,he will politely ask to be in the room with you,both to provide emotional support and calm his nerves by making sure everything's going well.

*Unwillingly creeps the rheumatologist out by watching at him like a hawk,his grip on your arm changing from soft to trembling to almost painful, *he feels so bad about it afterwards*

•He makes sure your house is always stocked up with every medicine you may need (ofc you have triple of every box),a cooling area if you are prescribed shots,top quality mobility aids(joint braces,bandages etc) and everything else you use to assist your symptoms

•Pepares you warm baths for joint pain relief with nevivon's best salts (and constant excursions on nevivon's springs if you wish)

•Generally amazed at how you well manage and handle everything about your disease.He has seen enough on his adventures to know how to judge a real badass,and you are definetely one in his book

🦊🔮🦊🔮Asra🦊🔮🦊🔮🦊

•Since you were so close,you had told him about your disease way before the events of the game and he admired you so much for your strength,his heart breaking every time you have a flair.He is always able to see through your mask,when you keep trying to hide the fact that you are in pain.

•However unfortunately,seeing your friend/friend with tension/lover (depends on how  you imagine your MC's past with Asra) going through something and taking care of him while he is non-verbal and not remembering anything about the world is 2 total different things.

•Things were hard at first.When you first came back,you were constantly stressed,overwhelmed and generally terrified.This induced a lot of flairs,which was also something you couldn't understand but had to process.He would know you would experience a flair/symptoms by either seeing you sleeping unsually much,or at worst finding you having an anxiety attack or tearing up because you would have some sort of new pain that you couldn't understand how  came to be.He would hold you in his arms,whispering sweet nothings until you calmed down,and then he would patiently try to understand where it hurts and how he could help you.

•Had to basically research everything about the disease from the start.He did the mistake of trying to not involve any doctors because he didn't know how to explain the situation of you being at that state.However, seeing he could not help you with only remedies and magic, he found a rheumatologist he trusted and told them that you suffered amnesia from a spell that had gone wrong,never dwelling into the subject.

•If you are going through a mild flair that allows you to go through your day,he will randomly come and hug you from behind,kiss your cheek and ask you if you are ACTUALLY aware of how strong you are.

•Never one to mansplain you about your disease,but he can get really annoyed if he sees you unnecessary overworking yourself

•It actually was the reason of the first  real arguement you had as a couple.

*-Sweetie,I love you so much,and I am so grateful for your love and concern,but you can't just tell me that you know better than me about how much I can take

-*sighs*

I am just telling you that you don't know how much toll something can have in your system.

-I happen to know my own body,thank you very much

-I just don't want to see you in pain!!! *Snaps,visibly upset,since he knew how bad a flair can be from back when was taking care of you*

-Why don't you take one of your little trips to save yourself from the burden?

*Generally hurt and guilty because of the times a flair happened midwhile he was gone*

-I...*sighs and leaves the room with you realizing you took it too far*

Since you both have valid points,you end up calmly talking things out,you agreeing to not push yourself to the limits ,and him making less and more discreet interventions.

•If he knows something,is how to make an environment relaxing.Your home is full of soft pillows,blankets and candles,ready to create the perfect atmosphere for you to relax when necessary.He also taught you how to medicate to regulate strong negative emotions to limit them from triggering your symptoms.

•Firm believer of the fact that magic and science can be used together when it comes to healing.Teaching you some very useful pain relieving spells,cooling spells for when your joints are inflamed, and recipes for many herbs and homemade remedies for any vitamin deficiency caused by your medication

•His cooking is the only food that is still tastes good after cutting salt because of prednisone.He knows how to use  spices,you could barely tell the difference.

•Generally seeing the process you made,going full independent like you used to,never letting your pain take your spirit down and fighting lupus off like champ (FUCKING SAVIN THE WORLD)makes him the proudest person alive,secretly tearing up when he thinks about it.

So...

That was it guys,It was a little longer than I expected but this concept hits close to home so kinda had a lot to say.I wanted to have a Nadia in this post as well,but her headcannons lowkey turned into a one-shot,so I will post it separately.I hope you liked it🩷🤍.

✨️Feel free to ask me for headcannon ideas you would like to see✨️

Eva♡

[heda-heather]

Girl, you seem kinda down lately. Hope your okay. Getting some ‘takes one to know one / cowboy like me’ kinda vibes. No need to repost, but you can send me a sign: ☀️⛈️ or something in between🌤️🌥️🌦️

🤍

You know what… you’re sweet to offer a way to signal, but I’m one to be honest about mental health so since you asked…

Yeah, I’ve been struggling a bit lately. It’s not new for me. It comes in waves. I’ve also started a couple new medications for other health things I’m dealing with and my body’s adjusting to a lot of changes.

And sometimes tumblr makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me sad.

And my writing, which is usually my outlet, has been completely stunted by my current physical and mental limitations. So I’m a little bit blah.

But thank you, that was kind of you to check in. I have a good support system so I will be okay. ❤️

[moondust-bard]

Nine People I Would Like to Know Better (?) Tag

I was tagged by @sleepyowlwrites — thank you!

current book: I’m rereading the last Magnus Chase book in Rick Riordan’s norse mythology series. His books are comfort reads. Reread books happens when I’m stressed, in pain, or upset. I am taking cozy fantasy recs in all age categories at the moment, preferably without romance.

Current fic: I don’t read much fsnfiction anymore, sadly. The JK Rowling of it all kinda ruined it for me. Engaging in fandom beyond casually consuming the media in question only stresses me out now.

Currently watching: I’m rewatching Call the Midwife. It’s a comfort watch. I go back to favorite pieces of media in times of stress. See a theme? To be fair, I don’t watch shoes or films much. Books and music are my main sources of entertainment.

Next on my watchlist: When the next season of Bridgerton drops I’ll be very occupied. I love a good historical drama.

Current hyperfixation: I’m listening to Dimension20’s Fantasy High for the first time. I really want to play DnD, and this show is only barely satisfying that.

Favorite color: lavender has been my favorite color since I was about nine years old. Periwinkle and seafoam are up there, too.

Sweet, spicy, or savory: Sweets, for sure— but more fruity-floral sweetness than bakery sweetness. I’m a big fan of treats with flower syrups, black tea, and sweet herbs in them.

Relationship status: single, and not actively looking for anything. If it happens, cool. If not, I’m honestly just happy to be here at this point. My friendships are super fulfilling and rich, and I have a large family.

Last song: The Prophecy off of Taylor Swift’s new album. I needed to let some stuff out after all the unfun medical experiences this week. The lyrics of that song kind of resemble how I feel about it.

Last thing I googled: lol, I just researched some of the new medical stuff I learned about my haunted house of a body. It was… informative.

Skill I’d like to learn: I would love to make my own clothes. For so long, I struggled to thread a needle on a sewing machine. My vision is very poor, which makes that task challenging. I think, even if it takes forever, hand-sewing might be my best shot at realizing this dream.

Best advice:

Dealing with my own health struggles, as well as supporting family who are attempting to rewrite poisonous, unsustainable behaviors has taught me something I wish I knew much sooner.

I’ve found it’s best for all involved that we try to meet each other where we are. Forcing someone into the shape you envision them in— with all their rough edges smoothed out and flaws filled in— helps no one in the present. Friends and family are going to move at their own pace and in the best way they deem fit for themselves. Expecting someone to exist or change in the ways you think suit them best, and within a set timeframe, is asking for disappointment and conflict. That being said, holding people accountable for how they treat you while they’re learning or in times of struggle is essential in caring for both yourself and that person.

And yes, this applies to how you engage with yourself, as well. There are no timelines. No “this is how I should be” or “this is what I should be doing by this stage of my life.” Exist—and change, if it’s what you’ve chosen — at your own pace, because it’s what you’ve decided is best.

I am tagging @saintedseraph @maddstermind @ettawritesnstudies @mr-writes @ryns-ramblings @acertainmoshke @ravonosify

@italiangothicwriteblr

@likegemstone

[screen-universe-official-thingie]

Plague Doctor Cindy!

Hi, I drew this concept art sheet thing shortly after drawing the Butcher!Aurora art and I took a break after that. Sorry I didn't post this one immediately.

Edit: Some close ups and extra commentary have been added

Rambling below (TW: medical subject matter like diseases and surgery, death, delusions, and cannibalism)

Meta wise, she started out as a mad scientist for the sake of being a mad scientist by listening to Novocaine by Cree-P and GHOST, and Black Box Warrior-OKULTRA by Will Wood. I just imagined Cinderella going too hard or harsh on Lady Tremaine, her patient/ser-worker/co-star, with her research, experiments, and surgeries out of frustration, stress, and madness. Hell, I would not be surprised if she tried lobotomy at some point during her side jig/job as a doctor.

But ever since I listened to Butcher Vanity by Vane and Flavour Foley, Cinderella later grew to be more than just a plain old mad doctor as I revisited her Screen Universe para concept and explore what her deal is. From why exactly did she fall into this path, to her relationships with the characters related or relevant to her story. She became another tragic character. This time, someone who developed an obsession with finding a cure for the prions after it "ate up" her once villain co-worker friend with in-character or canon compliant delusions.

Some close ups

The other state was meant to say production as well, but I'm too lazy to fix the typo now

Cindy with the Bok-su pose is slightly cursed ngl, but it keeps living in my head rent free. The fact that they're both doctors doesn't make it any better ToT

Eldritch Cinderelly (the note says healthy because their true forms's color and brightness changes if they get certain health conditions. In this one, she should have been a bit dimmer and grayer due to the Discontinuation Rot)

Herbs and spices stuffed in the beak like a true plague doctor. Though, Cindy does this for different reasons. Instead of the original reasoning where the herbs will ward off the plague, she does this to replace the smell of burning and rotting flesh with as much fragrance as possible. It also puts her at ease

Stolen Ideas Inspo :>

How it'd look like under her apron/dress thing

Goggles stuff for eye protection

Eyes. Eye eyeballed (eh? eh?) her eye color because I can not find a good proper close up of her face and eyes in the official material and the coloring in the og movie looks a bit inconsistent at times.

Screen shots from the ID server itself again of course

OKULTRA cranking up the mad doctor inspiration (ft. Novocaine starting the whole thing prior to listing to OKULTRA)

I think this one is still pre-butcher vanity arc

meme

Typical Disney para behaviour

more Cinderella angst lore because yes

A shit ton of other paras have not so healthy relationships with their characters at this point. They include, but not limited to some Pokemon characters, and SpongeBob.

Health anxiety go brrrr

This is from when Butcher Vanity arc or obsession hit around. It expanded her lore and everything. It was a game changer for this specific para tbh. I think this is about four months after posting the past Cindy rambles shown in the previous screenshots

Ok, this one is from an ID adjacent server, but I feel like this is still a bit relevant to the whole thing

(Also from the ID adjacent server) Ok, this one is kinda complicated since I mentioned another para who had something to do with a different Disney centered subplot that somehow affected the plot and lore of the entire paracosm. Basically, Snow White helped one of her ser-workers to found a cult and... everything went downhill and batshit insane from there. Ruined or fucked over the entire government and all... you may either dig through my casual account for the answer or ask through the Screen Universe blog about it.

Bonus: A joke relevant to the whole Cinderella x Sleeping Beauty ft. prion plague debacle arc/subplot (I found this god damn image from Pinterest and I captioned it as "Cinderella and Aurora")

TLDR: 1950 Disney princess becomes a mad plague doctor, grows into another tragic para, becomes vegan as a trauma response, loses her villain patient to the plague's delusions, goes off into a deep end after burning said patient, despises cannibals, and turns into their world's equivalent to a veteran in a "has seen the origins of modern day problems and the horrors of war" way but the war is the plague from the distant past.

[goodsology]

Another Update II

Hello!

Trigger Warning for periods, menstruation, and other related issues. I'll explain my situation in more detail.

It all started around April when I had a longer period than usual. It was light, with mild cramps, but lasted for about a month. My period would suddenly stop for a few hours, only for it to continue like I was on another period.

By the end of it, I had blood clots constantly. Worried, I went to an obgyn and she advised a transabdominal along with a temporary medication to stop the bleeding. She also strongly encouraged me to get a pap smear since I never had one before (nor engaged in sexual activity which will be important for later).

After some blood testing and transabdominal, I was diagnosed with PCOS. She recommended either the medication, losing weight, or starting birth control. Since then, I've been trying to lose weight and am still on the fence about taking birth control.

Just feels like I'm stalling at this point. I haven't had my period since and am afraid of what would happen if I did. I'm not sure if losing weight or eating healthy is going to help and I just need to keep taking birth control for who knows how long. I guess that's why I'm so on the fence: I don't want to take medication for a long period and would rather try changing my diet right now.

Other than the period issues, PCOS has been hard to manage. For the most part, fatigue is my most notable symptom, but sometimes I can feel irritable or have mood swings. I've been managing with meditation, listening to music, and relaxing when I need to along with doing tasks when I have the energy (ie cooking, laundry, etc.).

However, that's not my only problem. I've mentioned this in another post, but my mental health has not been great. Remember when I mentioned how I never had sexual activity? Well, when my mother asked me about my doctor visits, she also asked if I had sexual activity. I said no, and she told me how getting a pap smear would really hurt, how I would "lose my virginity" and demanded I tell my doctor no to the pap smear.

As you can tell, I have a great support system!

Sarcasm aside, my mom isn't religious. She likely had her own misbeliefs about getting a pap smear, but it doesn't change how messed up this all was. Her mother, my grandmother, passed away from cancer. A pap smear would tell me I don't have that or any other conditions, but my mom was like "No, you're v card is more important! I know better than your doctor!"

Despite me telling her "That's not how virginity works", she doubled down and reiterated her point. It's not the first time she didn't listen to me and doubted the knowledge of a professional, but she was my mom and I thought I needed at least one parent for guidance. Truth is, I'm a grown woman and I don't need that, at least, not from her or any parent like that.

I deserve better, so much better. I deserve parents who put my health and happiness above some silly little v card (plus my mom never cared about that until now). The whole thing made me wonder why I was even here. Let me make it clear: I am not a danger to myself, but after realizing both of my parents kinda suck and don't really care about me, I just wondered why I was even born. What's the point of being here if I can't go to my own parents for advice and trust them? What's the point if I can't be honest with even my own parents without being yelled at or judged?

Anyway, thank you for reading. I just needed someone to talk about this. I do have my sister and friends, but they have their own issues to deal with and I don't want to bother them, especially my sister.

[drdemonprince]

i love the way you talk about top surgery, like most people refer to it as like a major invasive surgery that will change everything forever and is so painful a such a major decision, but you talking about it and your experiance kinda like casually and being chill about it makes thinking about it so much less overwhelming

I really think the big-dealness of it all has been overhyped! If I'd known I would be walking around painlessly and fucking going to target and shit the same day I was cut open, I would have pursued this years earlier. And if I'd known it was possible to avoid narcotics and feel clear headed and nondepressed the entire way through, I would have been able to make it fit into my work life way easier.

Two months out and I forget regularly that I've even had a medical procedure. People ask me how I'm healing and I have no clue what the fuck they're talking about because I've been at 100% for so long already. After a few weeks it had zero effect on my life.

I can't promise this to anyone, I'm in good health and was very on top of exercise and eating fiber and drinking water and sleeping plenty and not using substances, and I went to a doctor that does not use narcotic painkillers, and these are all big factors, but top surgery can be a discomfort of a couple weeks not a debilitating or painful thing.

[gentlenotes-moved]

Hey, how have you been? Is your health better?

hey! i've been alright lately. as with my whole gut thing, it fluctuates a lot. there'll be days where it's either bad to the point where i have to eat in small amounts infrequently, or i'll have no problems at all! there's no way of guessing, either; i just wake up and kinda have to deal with how my digestive system is fixing to act that day lol

but! our doctor FINALLY called back after just under two months of waiting with the results of the pH tester i had in my stomach for a couple days. basically the files and info about it didn't get send to him on time lol. so as i said in the last update, the endoscopy turned out normal. but now the biopsies came out normal, however with the pH tester, they got an answer from it!

i wasn't there for the call; my mom answered it. and they have an actual and definite answer now for what's going on: my brain and nerves are kinda sorta fucked up and they're absolutely losing their shit. about what? no clue! so, they want to do some tests (i think my mom forgot what tests tho lol) and they want to give me a small dosage of depressant medications (again, don't know what) to chill my brain and nerves tf out. we're also supposed to get smth in the mail that explains all this and we don't know when we're gonna get those either. just a lot of questions all around lol.

so yeah! i'm honestly over the moon that i have a solid answer about what's going on! but i still wanna know WHY my brain and nerves are losing their shit. all of this has pretty severely impacted my period as well. so. i'm beginning to think my mental health might have something to with it, tbh. idk. we'll figure out.

also! i'm so so sorry for coming here like once every few weeks, with a combination of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion + school in general, it hasn't been the TOP priority, but i'll change that! there's a hell of a lot of personal stuff goin on right now, forgive me <3

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Hey y’all 💖💖💖 I know I’ve been MIA for a while now, things have been kinda crazy in the real world. I spent most of July apartment hunting and then moving, and most of August has been spent unpacking. One of my kitty cats also had some health issues that made me insanely worried but she’s okay now. (She had a UTI and an infected abscess.) I’ve also been dealing with my own continued health issues but I’ve FINALLY figured out what it is: I’m allergic to gluten. As soon as I stopped eating it intentionally, it’s immediately obvious as soon as I even have a little bit. I already feel loads better, but also incredibly shitty because nearly my entire diet was made up of gluten, so now I’ve got to change basically everything that I eat. I also got prescribed a new thyroid medication that has really cleared up my brain fog. I actually feel like writing again, holy shit! I feel so bad that it’s been like two years since I’ve updated, people keep asking me if I plan to continue and they probably think I’m dead. Idk why, but I’ve just been so anti-social lately. I haven’t been on Tumblr for ages because… I don’t even know why, honestly. I think being sick for so long, and then the stress of moving, it just took away several spoons from my daily allowance for a while. I think I’ve finally turned the corner though, now that I figured out the gluten thing.

Thank you to the sweethearts who reached out to me, I really do appreciate it! It really is nice to know that if I disappear from the internet, people actually will notice and want to know that I’m okay. 💖💖 I’m gonna be answering your asks and DMs, and I’m gonna try to make myself start writing new chapters for My Heart Belongs to Daddy. I was thinking about the next chapter as I was falling asleep last night and I got so excited about it, I really have to get this shit out!

[marco--the--phoenix]

I deleted my old vent blog. But I gotta gwt this out.

Tw: depression - eating disorder- personal - mental health - suicide - financial issues - chronic illness

For 5 years we have lived on bare minimum. Sometimes we can do the odd nice thing here or there but it'll drain us.

Every month is a making ends meet kinda month and sometimes we go without very often.

One meal a day, I go without phone service or unable to leave the house.

It's not even our fault. Wife works full time, I can't work due to both mental and physical health.

I am so unbelievablely grateful to friends who help us out when there's a struggle but I feel so bad every time.

I'm almost 40 and I don't have the means to look after myself. I'm not the worst off person in the world but I'm fucming struggling.

I had an ED that almost killed me many years ago and it permanently crashed my body. I have a dangerous autoimmune disease that's almost killed me once already.

It's agony, my joints lock up, I've been paralysed in pain by arthritis brought on by it. My skin hurts and aches and burns all the time.

I can barely move. I ooze and feel gross and stick to things and feel ugly and gross and vile

My mental health is bad despite being medicated. My adhd is wild and the two have caused me to loose all momentum in myife. I was once in control and on top of everything and now I'm drowning.

I try not to vent to people. So used to being punished for venting rhat I'm terrified if people saw the real deph of what I'm feeling I'd loose them.

I'm sick of money lasting a second. We do like ONE nice thing a month together and even then it's far from wild or much money. We treat ourselves to a little something but like.. a £5 sketch from a friend or a third store shirt for £7 but cus we are so broke all the time and need help it feels shitty to do.

It's bad, all the time.

This month I already have £70 left to live and I've not paid for my phone yet. That 70 I'd for food, travel, anything.

We had to use money we saved for my birthday in March and their upcoming birthday just to make it to the end of every month.

We don't have family or a support network where we live.

I know staying at home doesn't seem like a big deal but reason I made a habit of going with wife to their place of work was because of me not being safe.

We've both worked hard, really hard to start out stores and try sell but it's very disheartening that despite all the effort and hard work no ones biting.

I'm so scared of being a burden to people that I clam up. I've pulled away so much from people already that I'm worried I'm not good enough any more for them.

It's all jealous icky arlf doubting feelings drowning me but I'm tired.

I started chemotherapy again for my illness but had to come off for antibiotics for an ear infection.

Chemotherapy makes me feel sick, tired, awful and without it my body attacks itself.

We are trying to go on a trip this June. Just to another city and we put money we couldn't afford towards it but I for one need a break, need something nice to look forward to, something to keep me fucking going.

I don't want to die, I just want life to be better but I've been strong all my life and I'm so weak these days cus I can't find mental or psychical strength.

I try hard to be there for others, be a good person, look on the bright side but I'm so so fucking exhausted.

I've waited years after year for things to get better. I'm not a negative person I've just been beat over the head so many times.

I'm finally letting myself cry and crumble but I'm close to breaking.

I wish I didn't feel guilty or selfish or bad for having these feelings but I do and I implode.

I just wish it was all easier.

I hope people who read this don't change their view on me or ditch me. I'm so tired and scared and hurting.

I also didn't make this post to beg for money but if there is anyone out there who could just help a little it really does help.

My P @ y p@l is corazon_x_law@yahoo.co.uk (op people it's not a ship. This was back when x didn't mean a ship dhdhdbdhd)

Or my kofi is https://ko-fi.com/cyborgfranky

It's 5am and I sat crying on the toilet like a loser.

I feel better for screaming here but.. damn.

[cyborg-franky]

Happy New Year!

Another year passes and I am still here. Ups and downs and all that kinda thing, I don't have an event in mind this year because the last two months have been a struggle in my personal life but I do wish you all a great evening/day of celebration or just vibing and chilling.

From Jan till now I would keep track of how many words I wrote and this year I have written a total of 403, 974!

My top written/requested chars have been:

Ace: 198

Marco: 136

Thatch: 53

Law: 51

Sabo: 35

Wow I wrote a lot of Ace and Marco... I intend to write even more!

I've had the great joy of taking part in many zines as staff and as a contributor. I have gotten to take part and run such lovely and fun events and be part of this awesome fandom. I've made some amazing friends and known some wonderfully talented people.

I even got to cosplay Marco and Ace and I never ever thought I'd have the confidence to cosplay Ace, he's been a dream cosplay of mine.

Not everything has staid the same, things and people change but that is life ya know?

Thank you for all the love and support and the likes and reblogs and the comments and messages and interactions. I love you all and sorry I have been a little.. away recently [You will see undercut]

I have many things I want to do going forward in the new year and I hope everyone has a great time and I hope 2023 is a better and softer year for us all. I'm a rabbit in the Chinese zodiac and 2023 is the year of the Rabbit so I am hoping things just got a little nicer and a little better for us.

First sample is The Memory Of Colour

Second sample is The Captains Dead

TW: medical stuff

My mental health had been bad for awhile, feeling I wasn't a good writer, a good person or a good friend. Just feeling like I didn't have the energy to keep up with all my friends and interactions because I was so tired all the time. I had issues with feeling like friendships were like balloons and I couldn't keep ahold of the strings as they all drifted away. I still feel like... I have been somewhat replaced or that I am a burden because of various things including my health.

Which leads me to my next comment. After convention I went to the doctors and I got diagnosed with a rare type of illness that had potential life threatening.. complications.

We still don't know if the treatment I am undergoing will help or not, it's something we have to wait on. But it's been a really hard few months for me and my partners.

Sometimes I am not able to walk due to the illness, sleeping is hard and I am always tired and I never know if I'm tired because of one of the many medications I am on or the illness or my mental health but it's been a struggle.

I am dealing with chemo therapy [It's not Cancer] once a week and it takes alot out of me. I have been in and out of hospital with the illness and I've been taking like 100 fucking blood tests.

I don't know if I am getting better or not right now. I have to drink so much water and eat so much meat as part of my treatment. I've been completely left high and dry with my mental health and it's just been.... a mess.

It's been a long and hard few months and I think I needed to tell you all what has been really going on with me.

But I love you all and I hope it'll all pass.

[marshmallowprotection]

hi! this one might be a little heavy but could I get some comfort from ge saeran? so i have some brain fog as a long-term side effect of medical treatment i went through when I was younger. i have some degree of memory issues (my short term memory kinda stinks and a lot of my memories are really foggy) and a bit of processing issues sometimes (not helpful when coupled with adhd :/) and I feel like I'm not quite as sharp as I used to be. most of the time I don't think about it too much but sometimes it's really really frustrating, especially if I keep forgetting things or if I'm having trouble in college.

I imagine saeran probably has some similar side effects from taking the elixir for so long so I feel like he'd understand, even if the situations are different

GE Saeran knows the distress of losing time. It happened all the time when he was in that place. There are a lot of memories he can't even recall to this day. He isn't sure if he will be able to recover from what happened to him.

Some of those memories weren't the best and other ones might have been but he'll never know. That makes it difficult for him to deal with things day to day. Not because he knows that he'll never remember what he lost, but because he knows that those issues are still with him today.

Sometimes he gets worked up and it makes things incredibly hard for him.

He'll forget where his keys are, he'll forget where he set his wallet, he'll forget what he was supposed to be doing that day, or what have you. It's not hard to put the pieces back together because he does have a system to help with his memory, but it doesn't change the fact that it can be very distressing to go through that.

There is no way to put that feeling into words. A lot of people just don't understand what it feels like to lose control of your mind when you're overwhelmed. It's not something you can control. Your brain does it and no matter how much you fight it, you still have to navigate through it.

If you know what that feels like, then it's easy to understand what somebody else must be going through even If your circumstances don't align completely.

When it comes to you, his ultimate goal is to make sure that you feel comfortable in your own skin. You did that for him so why wouldn't he want to do that for you in return? Why would he leave you to have a hard time with your thoughts when you wouldn't let him do that to himself? It would be hypocritical and put into question everything you've ever done for him.

He wants to reciprocate your care. This is a partnership! It's not one-sided!

There are things he does he can share with you to make things feel easier. He's been doing a lot of thinking and practicing when it comes to his mental health. In the past, he coped in ways that weren't that great for him. But, now he's looking for things that won't hurt more in the long run. Like taking a nap when he feels afraid late at night, or going into the garden to shut off his fears with the sounds of gentle wind.

When he's confused, if he lets it consume him, he knows he won't be able to do anything. He writes things down so he doesn't forget the tasks that need to be done. He repeats mantras to himself to help his memories in his lowest moments. He looks to you for confirmation if he's afraid of his perception of time. You help each other that way. He can do the same for you.

On the flip side of that, maybe there's something you do that could be helpful to him. After all, two heads are better than one when you need to find an out-of-the-box thought. This is something where you can balance each other out. If you forget something, he can make a note of it so it helps you later on, or vice versa. 

But, honestly, what you're looking for might be somebody who is there for you in the most frustrating moments. When you are so frustrated because it feels like you're forgetting everything you know, you need somebody in your corner who can sit with you and remind you that it's not the end of the world and this is something that you can work through.

It doesn't control you, nor does it define your abilities, it's a part of you and it can be worked with as long as you take a deep breath and let it be. The more you struggle and strain, the harder it becomes for your brain. So, relax. Breathe. Let Saeran hold you when you need it and take care of yourself so that he can remind you how much he is in love with you! How much he wants to make sure that you feel the safest you can with him.

Saeran's advice is to "slow down, breathe, and let your head settle until you can remember again. You aren't going to lose memories or time forever. You need to be patient. Let's wait until you feel like you can remember what you needed, my love."

[umemiyan]

I feel like your personality changed with the pfp!!!! U had black and white (kinda) pfp before right? Iirc u were intimidating now you like a cutie patootie (don't mind my bullshit...)

lol you think so? i never intended to be like intimidating or whatever 😭 i guess for a while there i was kinda going thru it after dealing with a bunch of stressful medical/dental stuff and a scary car accident that sort of threw my brain out of wack for a good while. i wasn’t feeling particularly sparky towards the end of 2023 and going into the new year lol

but i suppose i have more pep in my step lately! not to jinx it or anything. but i’m slowly catching up on having my mental and physical health more taken care of, and it’s been nice. i’ve also been trying to work on challenging my anti-social tendencies and leaving space for others in my life instead of hoarding my energy. i definitely still have struggle moments/days but healing from things takes time!

[nozoroomie]

Bit of a personal ramble since sometimes, you just gotta do one. tws will be in the tags

I have had a very long 2023 so far. I was put on medical leave at the end of February due to my job situation changing in the company I'm employed at, as well as not acknowledging/ taking care of my grief from losing Meredith. I'm on a list to get a psych evaluation but it's quite a long waiting list in my area, so I might not see someone for a while yet. I've been off of work since March, but have been actively trying to find a new job/ new field to work in while also taking care of myself and my mental health.

Grief is... it's just consuming. It comes out of no where and its overwhelming. It makes me feel alienated from my friends and family, even more so because of the preexisting anxiety and depression. I'm trying my best to stay social with people, do things that would make me happy, but I disassociate a lot. I sometimes feel like I'm just kinda looking in and that I just don't.. I dunno, fit? I get anxious about what to do and say in conversation that there's nothing to overthink about. I feel scared that I'm too depressed to hangout with friends and like I'll ruin it just being there. I don't know what to talk about without being scared I'll make people uncomfortable if I start mentioning anything that brings me into talk of emotions or feelings. I get exhausted thinking about crying. I know it's healthier to feel feelings and express them, but I'm tired of it sapping all my energy for the day afterward. I'm tired of my roommate checking in with me and then saying "Same shit, different day" and him just having to hear me vent about the same thing. My medication helps me do the things I need to function, like eating, getting up, taking care of my animals, but when it comes to actually dealing with all of this I feel like I just can't navigate it. Anyway, all this to say even after all this time, I go back to work in a couple weeks and I'm just not ready for it, especially since I hate this new position and there's literally nothing I can do about it. I applied for almost 40 jobs on my leave and only had one interview that I didn't get a call back for. I got certified to work as a budtender since earlier this year there were literally dozens of budtender positions, and if I had the cash at the moment I'd be doing my smart serve as well, but god. No calls back from anything but one place. It's ridiculous, especially with people complaining nobody wants to work (aka the excuse all the business owners use when people want a living wage and not bare minimum wage.) And that's that for job hunting. I'm hoping one day I can at least find passion for things again and get back into a creative habit, but until then I'm just going to keep trying to navigate these murky waters one day at a time.

[erotikkook]

I'm Back!

𝐀 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 Hi there, everyone! It's been a hot minute since I've been active (i.e. over 6 months), but I wanted to give you a long update on where I've been, what I've been doing, etc.! If you're not a big reader, I'd skip past this post - it'll be kinda lengthy. possible tw: mental health/physical health, potential cursing, mentions of sex in relation to tumblr content - ALL SECTIONS WILL HAVE TW ACCORDINGLY

NOTE: THERE IS ALSO AN ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT SOME UPCOMING FICS. IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT TO EXPECT HERE IN TERMS OF MY WRITING, JUST SCROLL TO THE CATEGORY LABELLED "FANFICTION"

𝗠𝗬 𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟 𝗟𝗜𝗙𝗘

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙠 I've spent extensive time going from one job to the next. I'm making a very similar transition again, hopefully for the final job. It's an even better full-time job that would make me twice as much as I make now. I was offered a position which means I'm well on my way to renting an apartment and getting a better car!

𝘽𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙝𝙙𝙖𝙮 By the time you see this, it'll be my 20th birthday! So just a little happy birthday to me and all my other April babies.

𝙋𝙝𝙮𝙨𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙈𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙩𝙝 (𝙏𝙒) TW for this section, mentions of physical + mental health and mentions of weight. Please skip this if you're uncomfortable. I've also spent a lot of time being physically and mentally ill. I'm now officially diagnosed with several things. This means I'm on medicine, which makes me very tired, unable to do a lot, and made me gain weight as a side-effect of the medication. I've always had issues with my self-esteem, weight, and relationship with food - thus, I spiralled for a while and, being as stubborn as I am, refused to get help when I was suffering mentally. I still need help, but I'm happier and feel healthier too! I've learned to accept myself as I am and to love how I look. There was a ton of internalized fatphobia that I hadn't realised existed, and I've since been working through that. I'm also very slowly becoming friends with food again. Wish me luck! You're all good for TW now! Read on!

𝙈𝙮 𝙃𝙖𝙞𝙧 I've been grappling with other parts of myself too. My hair is one of them. It's been very feminine my entire life, and thus I've grappled with the length of it. It's also, at the same time, been my only source of comfort - something I could control and do with as I pleased. I've since come to terms with myself in many ways, so I've chopped all my hair off! I know it might not be a big deal to most people, but it took a lot for me to do that and admit that my obsession with it was unnerving and unhealthy. Imagine a mini mullet. If you're a close friend, you've probably been bombarded with pictures of my hair, but I'll leave the rest up to the crowd's imagination!

𝗜𝗗𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗬

𝘼𝙣 𝘼𝙣𝙣𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩 I'd like to very formally announce that I identify as genderfluid! For those who may support the LGBTQ community but don't quite know what the term means, I think WebMD sums it up pretty well for just a vague understanding: "Someone who is fluid -- also called gender fluid -- is a person whose gender identity (the gender they identify with most) is not fixed. It can change over time or from day to day." Usually, this will switch between he/him & they/them for me on a personal basis, so if we're ever having interactions and you're unsure, those are your best bet! 𝙈𝙮 𝙉𝙖𝙢𝙚 I'd also like to officially announce that my preferred name is Declan! This was decided after almost six months of thought. Ngl, there were a lot of sleepless nights, but here we are, and I'm very happy with who I've become! I don't intend to explain my decision. I've talked with my support system about my feelings enough for the life of me, but nevertheless, thank you for your support in advance!

𝗙𝗮𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻

𝙁𝙞𝙘𝙨 𝘾𝙤𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙤𝙣 A few fics are coming your way. I'll announce them here but will probably make a separate post too! Here's what's set to come out (note, no dates are listed as of this moment, I'm bad with dates, and I no longer want to make promises I can't keep):

Desperate For You - Seokjin x Reader - based on Desperate by Jonas Blue & Nina Nesbitt

take it and run - Taehyung x Reader - based on Friends by Chase Atlantic

Fallin' Without Caution - Namjoon x Reader - based on People Watching by Conan Gray

checkmate - Yoongi x Reader - based on Lost The Breakup by Maisie Peters

I have about 31 requests (I counted, holy shit) to get through, so I'll also complete those. I know it's been over a year, but I appreciate the unending patience!