#there was so much i had to unpack this in a discord server

[brostateexam]

If I can expand on my previous post a bit: I feel very privileged and lucky to have learned what it means to be gay and what it doesn't from being in dedicated gay spaces: bars, yes, but also nonprofits, activist spaces, private parties, and even clubs. I cannot begin to describe how deeply healing it was as a gay guy in his early twenties to just go to a gayborhood and see other guys who liked guys simply living their lives.

So much of coming to grips with a sexual orientation is unpacking all the societal stereotypes and expectations that are tied to it, and the best and easiest way to do that in my opinion is by being around other people like you, who have already gone through it and can help you go through it, too. Discord servers and subreddits are simply not a substitute for that experience because they are a curated walled garden that people must opt into, and because they tend to have homogenous groups of people going through the same things. It's a peer group, sure, but there's no guidance and no mentorship, and it's very easy to lose the fucking plot.

What I see today from younger gay men are the same questions I grappled with:

Do sexual roles map onto gender expression?

How important is a masculine presentation, and what do I do if part of it feels unnatural to me?

For that matter, how much of gay mannerisms are affectation, and how much are natural?

How much of my life is wrapped up in being gay, and how much of it should be?

The difference is that a lot of these fellows are leading each other around online in never-ending neurotic circles, an ouroboros of insecurity and self-defeating pessimism. I think the only real solution is the solution we've had for decades now: meeting in real life, and seeing that there are many, many ways of being. That doesn't have to happen in the Castro or Boystown or Greenwich Village, but it needs to happen somewhere. Maybe it can happen online, too-- I'm just not sure that it can, and I worry about what happens if it doesn't. Because society still assigns all kinds of cultural baggage to sexual identity, and carrying it around your whole life will break your back.

[kavalyera]

The worst thing I’ve ever done…if you don’t count the problematic shit I write about, I am actually a very gentle, law-abiding, progressive, and ethical person in real life…but I still think about this girl back in high school. I tried to befriend her because we were both weird nerds before that was cool, but she stabbed me in the back and talked shit about me to a bunch of people for some reason I don’t even remember. Probably just because she was mentally ill. On the surface I didn’t react at all, just ignored her. But I knew her FFN and DeviantArt usernames and I created multiple fake accounts to flame and troll her. Some other people online picked it up and started making fun of her as well (her writing and art were not great but she was just a kid). Finally a long fic with a Mary Sue type self-insert that she’d worked really hard on got sporked, i.e. dissected and mocked line by line on the kind of site that was popular back in the day. She went ballistic, deleted everything, but not before people at school found out and started calling her by her Sue’s name. She got in a physical fight, got suspended and never came back to school, and I heard at one point she’d attempted suicide and got put in a loony bin. If true that might or might not have anything to do with my actions, but I came from a much more stable and privileged background than she did, and am still ashamed that I wasn’t able to be the bigger person.

…Whew. So who’s my character?

This is honestly something Santino would do if he was in middle school circa 2010s and the victim is like John or Gianna😭

( confession + john wick character kin assign )

[dominarava]

Angel

Ghostface × Female!Reader

CW: Dub/Non-Con, Blood, Stalking, Breaking & Entering, usual fucked up GF stuff

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 2.2k

Summary: The quiet guy in your discord server decides to chat you up in the general vc, and as expected, has a lot more to unpack than you ever expected.

Notes: I was lazy and just posted the ugly default AO3 link when I first posted this, so I'm coming back and making it look nicer with new and improved tags lol

This piece doesn't specify who is really behind the mask, so whoever you want is up to you~

I had fun with this and left light references to the movies, Dead By Daylight, and Mortal Kombat to honor some of my favorite appearances of him-- hopefully it doesn't ruin the immersion lol

I don't usually leave notes, but it's been a while and I've adored all the comments and kudos I've gotten in my absence, cause at the end of the day, that's what will always bring me back. I love all your support and time reading this and hopefully I have more soon to come for you all!

Thank you again so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy! 🔪💕✨️

AO3 Link

This had become the nightly habit: get off work, make dinner, chill with the lads in a Discord call until bedtime. Mindlessly playing a game, you weren't surprised by the sound of someone joining the call, however you were surprised by who it was. He was a rando that had joined a while back, was nice enough, but didn't have much to say as he relegated himself to really only short replies or emoji reactions. You could have sworn he posted a thirst trap without his face in the #selfies channel, but you weren't 100% sure. When he would join calls he would always stay muted, opting to reply in the text chat or not at all, merely listening to and enjoying just being around the good times happening. All the same, you felt it rude to not say at least a little hello. 

“Hey! How’re you doin’ tonight?” 

“Hey there~” 

The voice on the other side was low, having a bit of a flirtatious twang in the sigh of his greeting. Your heart skipped a beat, you weren't sure if he had ever spoken to you, much less anyone else in the server. And if you were being honest, he sounded kind of hot. Letting the giddy feeling ride, you tried to keep him talking since it was just the two of you. 

“Woah–” You poked cheekily, “I dunno if I've heard you say anything before.” 

“I'm more of a one-on-one kind of guy,” He offered smoothly, “But I enjoy listening to everyone having a good time.” 

“Fair–” 

The air fell dead as you wondered what to talk about next, letting him cut into the silence with a question, “So.. what's your favorite scary movie?” 

Having just finished a server horror movie night not too long ago, the question felt like a natural segway into your interests, “Hmmnn that's actually a good question– I think if we're just talkin’ horror in general my first and favorite would have to be Silence Of The Lambs. The back and forth relationship between Clarice and Dr. Lecter was probably one of the most challenging to my mind at the ripe age of twelve, since then I've loved horror that has a female protagonist that is put under pressure by the killer to make difficult choices and solve the puzzle he left for her.

“But– that's not to say pieces like Substance or Midsommer aren't incredible mentally challenging works of art to me, I love both, along with movies like The Empty Man, Smile, It Follows, The VVitch, The Void, V/H/S–”

He cut your train with a light chuckle, “I definitely want to know which you thought was better, Smile or It Follows, but I meant to ask, what’s your favorite slasher movie?” 

You gave this one a lot more consideration as your heart swelled with a damning excitement at the thought of your favorite killers, “That's such a hard choice! Of course Micheal Myers from <i>Halloween</i> is like everyone's big daddy– but I think if I had to choose it would have to be Stab! Ghostface is just a lot more fun, playful, and let's be honest– horny.” 

“Oh yeah?” He hummed, “Why's that?” 

How his tone seemed to curl at the end of his words made your chest tighten and a heat rise to your cheeks, “I mean, at the heart of it.. the voice actor responsible for his voice changer in the movie said that his tone is flirtatious, beyond that– between the fact that the first Ghostface seemed to get off on the idea of causing his object of obsession, Sidney, the most pain possible by the mocking of her mother being the town bicycle and it's even pointed to at the end of the movie that the two who were behind the Ghostface killings were the same two that brutalized Sidney's mother–” 

“Goddamn–” Nearly groaning his words as he cut you off, he cleared his throat and pressed, “Good girl~ You sure do know your stuff.” Praising you with words that melted like chocolate over your tongue, your mind tilted at his words, ‘Good girl’. 

Good girl?!

“Excu–”

“I fuckin’ love girls like you–” He went on, swearing you could hear the ache of him through the call, “Your type always knows how really appreciate us..” 

‘Us’?

Before you could get a word in, he went on, “Buuut it looks like that's my cue– I hope you're ready for some fun this evening.” Leaving the conversation with the disconnect sound chiming through your ears in silence to process what just happened. 

The sound of him leaving the call let a wash of relief run over you, only lasting for a moment as the floor creaking caught your attention with arms wrapping you in a winding embrace. Having your arms pinned at your sides, your hands flailed looking for any sort of way out. Only, the way your grip seemed to find his length caged behind his pants before skirting over to the long hunting knife strapped to his leg, making your struggle against him stop with a gasp.

“Yeah.. that's all for you Babe, whatever you need– so.. let's behave.. alright..?” The same voice that was lingering in your headset only moments ago was in high definition against your back. 

Firmly pressing his hand over your mouth, you froze as someone else joined the empty call with you, “Hey you there?” 

Your headphones loud enough for him to hear, an uneasy pause passed between you two as his hold over your lips lessened, “Yeah-” He let you breathe through his nitrile gloved fingers.

“Good, kinda glad he's gone, he's chill and all, but it kinda bugs me that he's just in here just dead-ass silent all the time. Fuckin’ weird.” 

Looking over your shoulder a bit to get any sort of a look at him, you were only met with the deep black drooping eyes framed by a gasping bone white mask. Familiarity of the visage made your heart drop into your stomach, forcing you to chew on the harsh fact that that same familiarity you knew to fear, also brought the flutter of butterflies in with it.  

A rough bump of his hips to your back-end snapped you out of your own mind and made you bark out, “Uh– Same– he is kinda weird, I've– talked to him a little bit and he just– seems like a bit of a creep..”

“Oooh shit whaddaya mean?” 

He peered over your shoulder to look at you, curious to see how you would pull this along as his other hand pushed at the elastic of your pajama bottoms, “He uh– waited for everyone to leave– and then started hella chatting me up–” 

“Are you good? It sounds like you're doing something.” 

Eyeing him, the slight nod of his head coaxed you to keep talking while his fingers made their home in exploring your heat, “Yeah I'm fine– I think I pulled a muscle and I–”

“Oh shit– sorry, one sec– groceries are here, I'll be back in a minute!”

At the sound of her disconnection he lifted you up with a near effortless toss onto the bed, wasting no time crawling on top of you to get at what little clothing was left with his blade. Watching the fabric dance away from your frame, he gripped your wrist as you tried to switch your mic off.

“Go on.. stay in that call.. let ‘em all know what a stagy little whore you are.” He pushed, lifting the hem of his hoodie above the glimmer of the silver button hiding his length behind the black denim. 

No time was wasted getting into you, making himself at home between your legs with a few rough thrusts and shivering grunts that made your mind twist. Squirming under him the grit falling off his boots into your blankets made you buck against him in frustration, earning a low sigh from him as his beat picked up. 

“Mmn if you keep fighting me.. I'll gut you like a fucking pig.” Groaning into your ear, the delicate touch of his knife teased itself between your breasts. 

Defiance sparked in you to bite back, “If we're– oh god– following the rules, you'll just do it anyway–” 

The blade pulled its edge against your skin, splitting you like a ripe peach under its cut, “True.. but the killer's favorite little slut never dies.. she's gotta make it to the sequel, the trilogy, hell! Maybe a whole fuckin’ saga..”

Suddenly ringing in your ear the sound of the bluetooth assistant chimed,

Battery Low.. Please Charge Soon.

You held your lips tight as the length of him pushed to the hilt over and over, letting the air in the call stay dead as your friend and others passed through, thinking you were away from your keyboard. 

“What’s wrong? Suddenly have nothing to say? I thought you liked the idea of being yanked around by a big man with a knife? Little different than on the big screen, ain't it Babe?” 

You could practically hear him purring behind the mask, his pace slowing to deep grind as you felt the rub of his metal pants zipper dig into your skin like a threat.

“Mmmm– remember a couple weeks back– we were all watching that scary movie– when you wouldn't shut the fuck up about how you wanted to ride that slashers cock like a carnival ride– fuck you don't know what that did to me– hearing you get all giddy about bouncing on dick after a kill– goddamn you don't have a fuckin’ clue– how bad I wanted bust through that fuckin’ window and tear you apart–” 

Gripping his palm across your eyes to pin your head to the bed, the unrelenting barrage of what came was less of a kiss and more of a hostile takeover of your senses. You couldn't tell how long you were left to his devices, using you with the excitement of a new sex doll he'd been waiting months for. The fight in you began to fade with the swipe of your tongue to his, earning the zeal of him rutting into you harder. 

“See.. I knew you'd love it..” 

Battery Low.. Please Charge Soon.

Dipping down to your chest to kiss the fresh wound that lay spilling blood around your breasts, taking in the heavy scent of your rubies like a jewel thief making his biggest heist. Slipping his free hand over your chest to the slick of your nipple made you gasp as a perfect distraction before pulling his mask back down. Adorning his usual visage now laid a smeared print of your life in blinding crimson, letting that be the first and only thing you saw as he let you have your vision back in the darkness. Against the blur of your eyes readjusting from the pressure of his weight on them, the dip of his frame dropping against yours with his hands gripping the sides of your head in a vice made you dizzy with a feral beat between your legs. Throughout his treatment you didn't feel that familiar latex rub of a barrier between you, forcing your stomach into a twist as his panting behind the mask got heavier. 

The first grace of the evening came when you finally heard the powering down beeping of your headset giving its last bit of juice before cutting out. Unbound by the fear of being heard, your voice let out a moan that vibrated the silence of the dead air room. Relaxing a little under him, he pushed your rear up, angling himself better to pump deep before running his fingers over the tacky blood joining the fresh on your chest in a macabre mess. Having the dig of his fingertips into the open wound weeping from you was a new kind of violation before he breathed out a shaken manic pleasure from the mask that captivated you. 

“Oh fuck– I'm going to smear your blood over my every  fucking pore!” The bubbling frenzy in his tone gave away his devouring bliss as it promised to swallow you whole. 

Honestly, you weren't long for the session either way as he found just the right spot to rub his tip into the soft warmth of you hugging his length and perfect grind of his mound against your bud aching to come undone. Seeing him watch you in those last moments before you went over the edge was enough to send you there as you trembled and cried out under his grip. Moaning and reaching to touch him in any way you could, you couldn't get enough of him as your body craved the closeness it needed. Expecting swift punishment for the affection, he surprised you by taking your hand in his, slowing his pace. Lacing your fingers as one, the gentle caress of his thumb to your skin had your rose colored glasses as red as they could be. Watching with a affectionately hazed gaze while he pinned you down, your skin when cold as his words dripped from his lips like sweet poison: 

“You think you're getting away that easy? I'm just gonna cum and that be that? No.. I prepared for this all day. You're not goin’ fucking anywhere.”

[a-very-tired-jew]

Finally got an anti-Zionist definition of Zionism

An Israeli was brave enough to pop into the Dropout Discord’s Palestine channel today (May 5th, 2024) and ask what definition of Zionism they were using. While most people all had the same base of “Jews having their own state in their homeland” every single one of them goes off the rails with their own respective definition and conspiracy.

The first person said this:

Fig. 1. First person responding to the Israeli gives their definition of Zionism.

Notice that they say Zionism is the idea that Israel is uniquely and solely the rightful homeland of the Jews. This implies that there’s a malicious intent in Zionism towards non-Jews within Israel. This person has likely never heard of Kahanism, but in their mind Zionism and Kahanism are likely the same.

Here’s the second person to respond:

Fig. 2. Second response uses refers to anti-Zionist. Jews and their supposed definition.

Now, I know a bunch of anti-Zionist Jewish groups and people and I have never heard this particular definition. I’ve only heard this from extreme antisemites who hide behind the guise of being anti-Zionist progressives and actual terrorist groups trying to create a false antisemitic conspiracy narrative. However, this is my own personal experience and this could be the case, as the user says this is what is said in their circles. And if it’s true then it’s a conspiracy driven alt reality version of things as it denies all evidence to the contrary. There are whole levels to this that ignore the non-Jewish Israelis, the rights that they have in Israel, their representation in the government, and so on.

and the third person to respond is someone I’ve talked about before. This is the Jew who claims they were indoctrinated and all their elders are brainwashed and just need to “open their eyes to the truth.”

Fig. 3. Third response from a user who expands on Fig. 1. User’s definition and adds their own conspiracy.

I want to point out that this token Jew who believes others are indoctrinated actively believes the Israeli is making it so only Jews can be citizens. This is not any policy I can find, nor is it something I’ve seen even talked about outside of the most extremist elements. I think they’re referencing the 2018 stuff about Jews having the right to self determination, setting Hebrew as the National language, and government endorsement of settlers. But that’s far from the Israeli government and Zionism stating that Israel is for Jews and only Jews, and active programs to remove non-Jews. It’s something that, once again, would only come from antisemitic groups who want to generate strife through a particular narrative.

These are the definitions that they’re working with and/or believe. It’s no wonder you can’t actually talk to these activists because these definitions are laced with rhetoric from terrorist groups and antisemites. There’s traces of Jewish supremacy, world control, and other tropes throughout, and what’s sad is that a self confessed Jewish person believes it. Not only do they believe it, they’ve been extremely vocal in the server about it. They have so much to unpack that I can’t imagine what brought them to this level of conspiratorial thinking regarding Jews and Zionism.

It takes a lot of work to get people to see their conspiracy theories for what they are and that they’ve been misled. It’s easier to fall into them than to crawl out of that hole and realize you’ve been radicalized. That takes time, self reflection, and often a big “oh shit” moment, which may or may never happen.

At this point I’m just documenting how radicalized the people in the Dropout TV Discord are and how many of them believe in antisemitic conspiracies and downright falsities. Maybe they’ll do something about it one day, but I doubt it.

[prose-among-the-trees]

Okay I’ve been brought up to speed on a bunch of stuff that’s been happening with close friends and I want to unpack it with what I experienced under this person. I’m not going to name them but they’ll find this and turn it into my fault somehow. Fuck off in advance.

I found a blog on tumblr dedicated to stopping the stigma and spread of misinformation around Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was really excited because all I’d experienced on tumblr surrounding the disorder I’d been diagnosed with had been conjecture and fantastical. It was genuinely refreshing.

This person advertised a discord server to get away from syscord and actually promote real information. I liked that and I supported it, so I joined. I lurked at first, but towards the end of its run I really started enjoying it, so much so that I overlooked a lot of problems with it and the owner.

I’d look in on arguments this person had with other members and would side with the owner, whether it was warranted or not. I was under the impression that this was someone diagnosed and in active treatment for their disorder, as well as significantly older than me. I really wanted this person to like me and I respected them a lot. (I would later find out that this person was freshly an adult, undiagnosed, and apparently used the server to validate self diagnosis while talking about how harmful it was on the misinformation blog).

I remember a few arguments in particular that rubbed me the wrong way. One was talking about the idea of transmisogyny. This person (transmasc) at one point claimed that the idea of categorizing a new type of misogyny was playing oppression Olympics in the trans community. They also claimed that they were oppressed as a transmasc who passed very well because women are scared of men. I don’t have a screenshot or proof for this, which I know means nothing. I’m also paraphrasing a lot. I would have had screenshots had the server not been deleted.

This person participated in a harmful bait blog pretending to be a 15 year old trafficking survivor in witness protection program. They went on to tell everyone in the server that no part of cult abuse or the like was real, and it was all RAMCOA nonsense. I believe that trauma exists, but that the wide spread conspiracy does not. For about two days, I made a similar bait blog. I’m saying this so it doesn’t get brought up as a “gotcha.” In this blog, I pretended to be several introjects from a video game I really like, and the owner’s bait blog would fake harass my bait blog for being anti-endogenic. It was the Zelda one, though I’m sure it was obscure enough that most people don’t remember it. It didn’t get much attention at all.

I deleted it very quickly because of the harm I realized I was causing. It made me feel gross. I wasn’t claiming anything extreme, but I didn’t like how it made me feel. I figured if the owner found so much joy in it, if I stuck with it long enough I could too. I didn’t, so I got rid of it.

But about the server nuking.

Earlier that day (day of server deletion) I’d vented in the server about how rough the day was for me with ptsd and flashbacks, and how I was struggling with my dissociative symptoms that day because of a particular trauma anniversary. This person sympathized and honestly made me feel better. I had let the server know that it was really hard for me to feel like anything was real at all and that I was struggling with unreality.

A few hours later there was an argument in the server around the term “functional multiplicity.” The argument was between the owner, who had only learned about the term “integrated functioning” a few hours prior (and was subsequently getting angry with everyone for being uneducated about it despite how recently they learned of that term) and someone who was relaying their own personal experiences with functional multiplicity as a way to heal from DID. Everyone in the server saw how heated it was getting and the owner wasn’t happy with everyone suggesting they take a step back and evaluate, especially since they had insisted the other party do the same thing. They deleted the server without warning.

I reached out to some people on tumblr that I knew from the server to reconnect and we made a backup server quickly to try to recalibrate after the argument. In the meantime, I dmed the former owner on tumblr to see if they were okay, because they seemed really emotional and upset.

They proceeded to tell me that I didn’t exist, none of what was going on was real, and everything would go away in a few hours. This was after the context of them comforting me and validating how dissociated I felt all day. I don’t know whether they were in an episode of psychosis or not, but I’m still hurt by what happened and I was still badly affected for about a week.

After the server was deleted, the new server tried to figure out what to do. In this time, one of the members was in contact with them to try to work something out between the group. I was a bit shaky from the unreality stuff but I was genuinely willing to hear them out. We were waiting for an apology from them.

I got a personal apology for the dm conversation, which I genuinely do appreciate. While I don’t completely dismiss everything as forgiven and forgotten, it went a very long way in helping me get to a place where I could see them as a friend again at some point.

The apology to the server was fine, I don’t remember much about it and I think everyone was alright with it for the most part.

What didn’t help was their continual stalking and spam liking of our blogs before that initial apology. That was weird and stressful and made the server feel super uneasy about them.

We all moved on after that. The server became a haven for me, and I felt and still feel like that group has my best interests at heart. If you guys are reading this, thank you for the support you’ve offered me despite how little we knew each other. It means more than you could ever know.

At some point I saw this person come back as pro endogenic, something that bothered me pretty intensely due to why I respected them in the first place. Nothing new happened besides the discord server being frustrated that they switched up so quickly after the fallout. It felt sudden.

I posted something to the endogenic community warning them to not believe everything they hear, especially after the bait blog and the misinformation blog were so heavily anti endogenic. I share these views, I am completely anti endo, but I sent a message out so that someone wouldn’t get caught in the crossfire like I did. They direct messaged me and asked me if my post was about them, and I chose to ignore it.

Not even two months after the discord server deletion and my dm conversation with them, they started another blog in which they frequently interacted and argued with friends of mine, claiming to be pro endo and partially endogenic. No one (at least I didn’t) realized it was them. None of us realized they were choosing to engage with us knowing our histories. Finding this out today has been alarming. I don’t look closely at blogs and side blogs, so I maybe could have caught this sooner, but it made me feel like my privacy was invaded. After deciding to leave us all behind after deleting the server and doing what they did to me, they decided to still engage with us without being forthcoming.

If you read this, which you likely will, since that blog of yours liked to argue with me, it feels so disingenuous and gross. I would have rather you told me.

The way this person treated @ratinacoat on this separate blog was also horrific, and considering that they weren’t forthcoming about all of this, it really comes off as stalking.

They are now turning around and acting like scary anti endogenics are harassing them. This is after they wanted to be systemcringe’s favorite “one of the good ones,” after getting rid of an entire server over semantics and then sending me into an unreality episode after I tried to help, after they continuously stalked and harassed one of my friends. I’m so grateful I only found out about this tangentially. I cannot imagine how my friends are feeling right now. This was disgusting.

So to every blog

To the original reblog main

To the misinformation blog I adored and became friends with you from

To the bait blog that was larping a trafficking victim

To coming around as pro-endo and pretending your friends are evil monsters.

To the half endo half trauma blog used to stalk and engage in syscourse with my friends without our knowledge

To whatever you’re doing claiming a victim mentality now

A massive fuck you.

-Prose

Adding a small edit:

I’m so disappointed that we couldn’t be friends. It’s embarrassing to say that but it’s true.

[honeyhotteoks]

oh chai, we'd love to hear your thoughts on unpacking trauma and sexual exploring through fiction!

i feel like it's such a deep topic to explore and talk about!

✨anon

okay i’m putting on my social sciences/literature hat on for this one, but it’s also about to get a little personal in here, so i’m throwing my reply under the cut :)

cw for discussions around trauma, grief, SA, violence, child SA, taboo kinks etc.

this is most certainly going to get a little rambly, but i have a lot of thoughts about this and personal experiences to bring to the table. i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because i was recently watching a conversation in a discord server dig into more niche kinks in a way that was using so much problematic and shameful language i was really disappointed. this is also a huge reason why i am a big proponent of tagging fics accurately, and spills over into all the big thoughts i have about the romance genre and dark romance in particular.

i’ll start from a personal perspective so everyone understands my reference points. without getting into too much detail, i have a lot of childhood trauma around emotional and physical abuse / neglect that i’ve been unpacking in therapy for a long time, but writing has also been a place for me to work through many of those issues. i’ve also personally experienced sexual harassment and attempted assault, and as many of you probably already know, i experienced the sudden loss of my father several years ago. writing has always been, and will probably always be, the place where i work through those complex thoughts. in aurora the reader’s mother suddenly passed away and was dealing with an alcoholic father, and i was writing that at the same time i was dealing with the sudden traumatic loss of my father and my mother’s battle with alcoholism. it was beyond cathartic for me to write through that experience, especially in a way where my alternative “self” in reader was being cared for, listened to, validated, and held through that grief. while it wasn’t intentional at the time, i didn’t set out to write that to make myself feel better, when i read it now i realize how much i was trying to process at that time and how helpful it was. the same can be said for TNT, the attempted claim scene in retrospect really was my attempt at processing something very personal and almost ‘re-writing’ it with yunho and mingi as protective heroes, something i did not have at the time.

that is all to say, romance as a genre has used particular tropes, kinks, or taboos forever and i think it is a really reductive reading of that genre to assume women are just writing and reading things because they think it’s ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ or whatever. i’ve been reading hurt/comfort and SA recovery fics and novels in the romance space forever, it’s honestly a personal favorite of mine. while i know some people hate that trope, i would argue that through fiction people who have suffered a trauma might be able to safely expose themselves to those ideas / triggers and find comfort in storylines that don’t turn out as painful and awful as the real world. in the real world victims of SA for example often do not get justice, they may have many re-traumatizing experiences, and they may struggle to get the help that they need or to find a partner who is understanding and supportive. fiction is an opportunity to explore the alternative. what if the worst thing in the world could happen to you (or did happen to you) but instead of the system failing you etc., what if someone had been there to emotionally and physically support you in the ways you wanted and needed?

that is one way of exploring those concepts, but another is through kink. i’m specifically thinking about CNC for this example, and i know that some people find that kink not only triggering but distasteful, but there are many people who have experienced a traumatic incident where they were out of control that a properly organized cnc scene can help them feel fully in control, because they are. for some, cnc is a kink that makes no sense and seems no different than a ‘rape fetish’, but for many it is a way to safely process trauma or fears while always having the control to say when too much is too much.

as a note, i’d extend this further to other concepts, kinks, or taboos as well. i’m not saying everyone should be comfortable reading or engaging with kinks like ddlg, age play, incest kinks, etc. etc., but this can be a safe way to unpack trauma for some. specifically for something like ddlg, the safety of a dominant caring for their partner as they play in a child-like headspace can be incredibly healing for some. it’s not something i personally understand or have experience with, but i have spoken to those in kink spaces who feel this very intrinsically and are in deeply healthy relationships with this as a dynamic. from a writing perspective, these kinks can be explored safely within the bounds of fiction and comfort characters in ways that can be very healing and very safe.

now, this isn’t to say everyone writing dark concepts has had a trauma that they are working through, but it certainly is my personal experience and in talking with a lot of different writers and readers, this is a common thread. the safety of fiction, particularly in the romance genre, allows spaces for people, particularly women, to rework and process concepts of trauma, safety, and security. i particularly emphasize the concept of a ‘safe man’ here. i don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t had a traumatic or distasteful experience with a man, misogyny is rampant…. but many of us still love men, want relationships with men, and want to feel safe and validated by men. there are lots of good guys out there to be sure, but fiction is a great way of exploring something traumatic or scary with the knowledge that the character will be saved/safe/cared for/healed by a man, something many women might want in a partner.

one disclaimer i do have though on the dark romance genre as a whole - while i understand that a bully romance or very serious enemies to lovers romance (i.e. a villain who is actually abusing the FMC) can also function in the same ways, to unpack trauma, i do read this genre with a lot of caution and i think we need to be careful in the ways that we talk about these romances. again, this is not to shame anyone’s preferences whatsoever, but i do think we need to be careful about how we discuss certain dark romance concepts. i personally will not read and will never write work that features a relationship where the male romantic lead starts off as a physical or emotional abuser, for me this is too triggering and offers too many gray areas for young readers to misinterpret healthy relationships vs. kink exploration and fantasy. It’s totally fine if this is how you as a reader explore and unpack trauma, or even just what you find hot outside of that, but I personally think we need to be careful hyping these books up etc. HOWEVER - dead dove content has existed for a very long time, and everything i’ve said about unpacking and reworking trauma through fiction applies here, it’s purely a personal preference that i limit this content for myself.

lastly, on the note of sexuality and sexual exploration - fanfiction has been a space for people to safely explore this too. to be more than exceptionally clear, sexuality is not a “kink”, has nothing to do with “taboos” or trauma or anything i’ve spoken about thus far. but in the same way that fiction, particularly fanfiction, is a place to explore the interior, this applies to sexuality. In fiction, you can explore same sex relationships, het relationships, cis, trans, and nonbinary experiences alike, to say nothing of polyamory. Outside of just sexual acts and bodies, it’s a place to explore romantic attachments of all different kinds. As a bisexual woman who grew up in a very conservative, very christian household, fanfiction was a place for me to explore the idea of f/f relationships, m/m relationships, and all kinds of combinations in between. In fiction, these relationships can be explored without the threat of ostracism or physical violence, something many people in the lgbtqia+ community know too well. whether reading or writing, it’s a way to explore those internal thoughts, impulses, and interests safely and often in stories that have a happy ending to look forward to.

hopefully that makes sense if you’re still here - and feel free to ask any questions you may have! :)

[acaplaya-musings]

Voiceplay Visuals - Be Prepared

Voiceplay's full-length cover of Be Prepared was released on the 28th of September (or the 27th depending on your timezone, same deal as always), and in fact it's still the 28th for me as I type this! Yes, I'm getting this ready at least a couple of days in advance of when I plan to post it, 1 because I've waited long enough already, and 2 because VoicePlay's next release (their Halloween video) is meant to drop on Patreon before the end of September and I wanna get this done before it happens!

Anyway, this features Mykal Kilgore, who's an OG member, not technically of VoicePlay, but of "4 The Love", which consisted of Mykal, Geoff, Layne, and Earl, back when they were about 17 I believe? Then at some point they added Scott Porter as a beatbooxer and became 4:2:Five. Mykal appeared a little bit in Just Sing, but otherwise this is the first time he's properly reunited with Geoff and Layne and gotten to meet Eli and Cesar! He was definitely a great contribution to this video.

There's a lot to unpack visually in this video, and again, I've been dying to make this post, so let's! get! into this!!!

Honestly I can't even think of much to say about the overall set design right now other than yoooooo look how cool this is!!

They absolutely nailed the vibe/aesthetic of the original scene, while still keeping the set "simple" enough for plenty of movement and use of space!

Layne was in charge of the arrangement, creative direction, and video editing for this video, shocker to no one (a Disney song cover that places Geoff front and centre? Gotta be Layne's doing 😂 (and we love him for it!))

Oh yeah also I'm pretty sure the aspect ratio is a bit "narrower" than it often is for most VP videos? (Like the screen is more noticeably wider than it is tall.)

There he is!!! (It was at this point on my first watch-through that I had to take a moment to steel myself because I was like "nope nope nope hang on wait I don't think I'm actually prepared for this" 😅

As to be expected, Eli is credited with lighting, but he also helped out with the fog machine things shown here in this image (the one on the left is more visible here). VoicePlay hadn't worked with these things before, but they worked amazingly, and it's another thing to give the video similarities to the original movie scene. However, these things were actually Quite Loud

Not the clearest image but look at Layne and Cesar being all sneaky/creepy here! (Layne does a little skip-step thing in this shot here that's brief but kinda reminds me just a touch of his little run in This Is Halloween)

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rick Underwood the man that you are, please, let me shake your hand, I love you (whether I'll still love him after the Halloween video remains to be determined, but anyway)

I mean honestly this is a Whole Look and I adore every part of it. The "facial scruff", the eyeliner, the freaking awesome jacket, the hair... I'm gonna stop myself from rambling too much too early ^^;

"I know that your powers of retention... are as wet as a warthog's backside."

A couple of things here:

1, You would probably expect Layne to just be another hyena (after all, there's many more than just Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed in the original scene), but it's possible that he might have intended to be a warthog, given this moment here (and also at the end of the BTS there's a clip of Layne messing around with one of the smoke/fog machines in a very Pumbaa-esque manner, lol).

And 2, credit to @ambular-d who first noticed this and pointed it out in the Discord server: Layne dips his shoulder here, "like Geoff's casual disdainful little swipe has some strength behind it." (directly quoting them here)

Okay now let's pay attention (ayyy) to our "main hyena trio" for a moment

There is no real style coordination here and yet somehow it works (well they're all in black/dark grey so they've got that in common). But like Cesar's got a grey leopard-print jumper/sweater (kinda cute ngl), Mykal's got a black fluffy (fringed?) shirt/sweater thing, and Eli's got a black leather jacket on (he looks very cool in it though - definitely suits him)

Mykal's the only one of the total five who isn't wearing some sort of necklace, but I guess he makes up for it with the bones hanging from the top of his head (and for all I know that actually might be a necklace that he just wrapped around the base of his hairbun)

ALSO I just went to go check my post for Friends On The Other Side because I was wondering if Cesar's necklace here was one of the ones worn by Geoff or Layne in that video, and I don't think it is (too short), but I'm 90% certain that Eli's necklace here is one of the same ones that Geoff was wearing!

Dramatic lighting flash! Low-key similar to Hoist The Colours (another video featuring scruff, guyliner, and heavily colour-tinted lighting), and also Geoff's recent Song Of Durin video!

(Also man I'm gonna hit image limit aren't I, lol rip)

"It's clear from your vacant expressions, the lights are not all on upstairs"

It's a blurry image, but I couldn't help but be tempted to do a Screenshot Comparison for this moment (plus another one a bit later in the song) because Layne absolutely understood the assignment and I was quite pleased that this bit got recreated!

(Also yes, Cesar is Ed, lol)

This moment in the video with Geoff and Cesar (including the second half of the line) got turned into a meme gif on the Patrons Discord server to represent VoicePlay and the audio distributors that they've been having issues with 😂

"And where do we feature?" "Just listen to teacher"

I don't remember it looking like that in the original scene! 😝 (but seriously, I love how Geoff and Cesar can't help but be cute together here - you should see their dynamic in some of the BTS videos, it's the best)

Pfft, this moment also got memed in the Discord server XD ("ask me to sing a G-1 one more time!" (credit again to @ambular-d) or alternatively "I said there are ants in the coffee again!" (that one's a reference to one of the BTS videos))

I'm honestly a little jealous of how cool Geoff looks while doing the sort of lifting motion he does in this moment here

Oh yeah that's definitely one of the Friends On The Other Side necklaces that Eli's got on

Also it took me an embarassingly-large amount of watches to realize that Cesar had painted nails for this one (in my defence, I was very distracted 😂)

Sure go ahead Eli, have your moment, stare into my soul, go on (affectionate)

"Of course quid pro quo you're expected, to take Certain Duties on board"

Again, not a great screenshot, but again, another moment recreated (at least in a general sense) from the original scene!

This is also a good place to point out how the lighting has changed from green to yellow, just as it does in the original scene, and it changed at the same spot as well (right on or just before the "it's great that we'll soon be connected..." line)

Oh rip it is tough to get good screencaps for this one (probably at least partially due to all the fog)

Anyway I wanted to point out that Layne's a little over an inch taller than Geoff (possibly two inches if you count the hair, lol), but in this one he mostly stays at least a little hunched, at least when Geoff's next to him, making Geoff look equal height if not taller (and from a storytelling perspective, it's great!)

"YOU WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME!"

A quick shift to red colouring, again just as the movie scene (and also now the video looks crystal clear as well!)

(Also goddamn Geoff is really working the crazy evil villain look... like man 👀)

Mykal and Eli vibing, I love it

Cesar, Mykal, and Eli's reaction to the growl/roar 😂

Cesar is shook! Literally! XD

Nothing much to say here, just that Geoff looks amazing and is amazing

(Also shoutout to his white-grey hair, which was looking wonderfully-prominent in this video and I adore it)

(woof) HELLO THERE GOOD SIR 😳👉👈

This is a rare case of me not having a "he's so pretty" moment with Geoff in a video, but that's because for this one, it's more a case of "he's so hot" 👀

*insert evil laughter here*

And that's Be Prepared! Man, what a video!

Next on the list is of course VoicePlay's Halloween release for 2024, whatever that turns out to be. I'm both excited and nervous (or scared, even), but hey, I have no doubt it will give me plenty to talk about! Until next time!

[wheelchairtetris]

16 and 17!

16. What disability space have you found most welcoming to you?

I have not spent a lot of time in irl disability spaces -- but when I am with disabled friends I always feel loved & supported. Online, I have found welcoming spaces in some discord servers, the cpunk community, etc, but the online nature of those communities make it feel markedly different from how irl communities feel.

17. What disability space have you found most hostile to be in?

Not actively hostile but--I had a pretty odd/negative experience of Tumblr's approach to neurodiversity and mental illness when I was younger (idk, circa 2015-2019). I think that what I experienced wasn't so much hostile or negative, but rather just fundamentally different from my experiences? I think that there was an emphasis on diagnosis or categorization of symptoms, and I had never been easily fit into diagnostic categories. During that time I'd had a lot of professionals throw a lot of different diagnoses at me, none of which fully explain my experiences. I felt the need to "find the accurate diagnosis" which then led to a cycle of negative feelings and still leaves me feeling odd/negative/put out in discussions of neurodiversity at times.

This all wasn't really the fault of anyone else or any community, but it took me a while to unpack the desire/need/want of a diagnosis and to instead focus on creating space for me to accept my own experiences and work through how to manage them. It also helped that I stopped going through really intense depressive episodes when I started medically transitioning and graduated high school, haha. Anyways, all of this led me to a vague and underresearched appreciation for the antipsychiatry movement and an opposition to pathologizing all behaviors.

[borom1r]

1-25 choose violence ask game ❤️

ALL OF THEM?????? you’re so real for this ty snfnsnbfns. doing LotR bc of course I am

1. the character everyone gets wrong

PIPPIN I HATE TO SAY IT BUT PIPPIN. all those incorrect quote polls that have been posted where pippin keeps fucking winning YALL REALIZE HES AN ACTUAL CHARACTER RIGHT?? with like depth?? and bonds?? and a personality. yall realize that right?????? right??? ik we all love 2 joke but he would not say half of those things

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

ok I personally enjoy both for Boromir BUT if he IS topping. he is a service top. I will die on this hill

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

I block ppl for these takes so no screenshots but everyone who thinks Boromir is a villain. if you think Boromir is a villain I will key your car.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

there is one singular straw and it is bad Boromir takes in the Boromir tag

5. worst discord server and why

I don’t join fandom discord servers bc I love myself too much for that 💗

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

ummm idk? most of my lotr mutuals have different ships from me and it’s all chill. but tbf I’m very selective abt who I interact with now lmao.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

no one yet thank fuck.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Aragorn/Arwen isn’t actually romantic sorry I think it’s fucked up actually. the vibes are off there for SURE

9. worst part of canon

FARAMIR’S “yeah I’m gonna take you from your home and tame you. haha wdym. you don’t need a blade during times of peace.” SHTICK WITH ÉOWYN IN THE BOOKS. UNPACK YOUR BIASES YOU LITTLE FREAK!!!!!!!!

10. worst part of fanon

HM. I will stick with “people who horrifically misinterpret Boromir’s character”

11. number of fandom-related words you've filtered

at the moment I only have rings of power blocked but I’ve had that blocked since it came out bc if I look at the armor in that show I will commit crimes.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

MOVIE!FARAMIR MY SPECIALEST LITTLE GUY OOOOOOOOOO MOVIE!FARAMIR I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU he’s so handsome and special and I love him and you WILL all look at him and clap and cheer. it makes me insane that his temptation by the ring mirror’s Boromir’s and he’s actually fucking normal abt the Rohirrim AND I just love him very much :)

13. worst blorboficiation

ummm idk… maybe Frodo

14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

HMMM exposing myself but I basically only read Aragorn/Boromir fics lmao + since we’re Choosing Violence the most annoying thing is Boromir just being A Brute. like damn I love the surface level reading of the text maybe try engaging with it above a 1st grade analysis next time 💗

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

hmmmmm idk cuz again I don’t interact w a lot of fanartists so there’s nothing like. annoying. all th ✨motifs✨ I do see r very fun + I like them :)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

ummm for Serious, portraying Pippin as Stupid. for Silly, uhhhh Trans Faramir is so real to me I completely forgot cis people both 1) exist in the real world and 2) probably interpret Fara as cis too. i don’t get it :(

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

trans Faramir 🩵💗🤍

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

HM idk. trans Faramir again. also bc I love it, utilizing Old Norse culture for the Rohirrim teehee

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

OK IM MAD THAT FINNISH BOROMIR IS JUST ME. THATS ME. THATS AN OUTFIT I WEAR REGULARLY MINUS THE LONG HAIR. I DRESS LIKE THAT TO BUY GROCERIES. i love him for that tho. I’m also mad that MtG Boromir’s stupid pointy muttonchops have grown on me. freak behavior, keeping his facial hair trimmed in those stupid little points

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

I’m fighting for my life reading the histories rn 😑 I find them very dry for the most part

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

idk? I think there is an appropriate level of hype. but idk if Rings of Power had a lot of hype. if it did, then Rings of Power is my answer

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

idk if it’s IGNORED necessarily but the fact that Boromir carries a Rohirric shield in the films does actually genuinely make me insane 💞 I love that sm

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

UNWILLINGLY?????? idk?? ummmm I think it’s all fine for the most part I’m just A Fag so I don’t write het ships. it’s like a moral thing. Éowyn/Faramir gets a pass conceptually bc they’re T4T to me tho

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

idkkkkkkk I don’t engage w discourse bc I want this fandom to remain pleasanttttt

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

again idk.. I block on sight if I see a Bad Take + then I erase it from my memory so I can continue to live in a beautiful blissful world where I. forgor abt cis people ☺️

[sun-e-chips]

My entree for the DCA Halloween writing contest on the DCAH2023 discord server

We were challenging to write under 1,000 words I think mine was exactly 1,000 haha.

———————��——————————

It is … a small room.

I can’t really complain, compared to the local hotels and inns this Bed and Breakfast was by far the most reasonable.

The room even reminded me of a 1930’s haunted study. Every inch of the wall had Victorian furniture against it except for the space left empty for the window which overlooked the gravel parking lot.

It felt spooky in a comforting kind of way.

Setting my suitcase on the nightstand so I wouldn’t have to keep stepping over it, I began unpacking my supplies. After I laid out everything in a tired but organized manner I felt very satisfied with my preparedness for the ghost hunting this weekend.

By no means am I a professional, in fact I’m a straight up amateur. But this seasoned gig has turned into a rather fun hobby and excuse to visit some ghostly sites this time of year.

…

That night, I dreamed that there was a tapping against my window, when I got up to look closer at my visitor all I could make out was a faint shadow on the glass.

When I awoke I deduced that it was of course the rain that had passed through earlier this morning as I could still see the fresh droplets clinging against the window.

Nevertheless my night was perfectly ordinary and I had slept well enough.

My day was also fairly ordinary, I got dressed, checked out the local shops, and meandered around town until it came close to sunset. Then It took all of me to not run back to the Bed and Breakfast, where I grabbed my things and caught a trolley that would take me to what is now the resting place of Freddy’s Arcade and Daycare!

I’m coming along with a tour group tonight but tomorrow I made sure that I would get the place all to myself!

Thankfully the owner had no problem opening up the building for another day.

As long as I pay the overnight fee and check in with the watch-woman when I leave I’ll be in nobody's way.

“This rotten place doesn’t see many visitors” he said,

“For legal reasons we have to keep most of the original arcades and animatronics boxed and locked away. That’s why it’s functioning more as a warehouse than a haunted attraction.”

My group was a fairly pleasant one, though we didn’t catch much evidence or experience any anomalies. We had fun nonetheless.

The most memorable of our group, I think her name was Cerys, had experienced a paranormal encounter herself here last fall.

“It was just down that hallway by the storage doors that I felt a tug at my collar that thankfully released when my friends called back to me. Only lasted a second or two but it was undeniable and sent a violent shiver up my spine”

“Do you think the ghost was trying to reach out to you in private?”

“Maybe, but since then I try not to stray too far from the crowd here. If the ghost wishes to have an audience of one I rather not be the lucky volunteer”

I retired that night in hopes that tomorrow’s solo investigation would be more fruitful.

…

Now that I’m standing inside the arcade alone I can see why tourist numbers have dwindled. Without the clutter of games and other mechanical entertainment the rooms feel rather barren and lifeless. I make my way across the hallway to the daycare and don’t give much thought to the one or two ajar doors that centered the gallery.

The daycare also appears relatively bare, all that stands is a rusted play structure that probably doesn’t have long till it too is locked and stored away.

I managed to find a clean spot to sit and begin throwing out some questions into the dark void.

“Is there anyone here who would like to reach out to me”

“…”

“I have a few tools here that can help you to communicate with me, a spirit box, EMF reader, flashlight..”

(creak)

“Oh you can also answer my questions with taps, one tap for yes and two taps for no. would you prefer that”

“…”

“I’ll be staying in here for the night. Is that ok with you?”

(faint shuffling)

“Do you remember who you are?”

(creak)

“Do you like having visitors?”

“…”

“Are you human?”

(creak creak)

“Are you able to leave this place?”

(crea-)

An alarm in the building trips, scares the crap out of me and my visitation is cut short, damn.

I caught the watch-woman on my way out and she confirmed that the building will be closed off to evaluate the cause of the alarm. Great.

To bed it is.

Well that was clearly the wrong decision because something had followed me back.

I awoke with undefinable fear, aware that something was in the room with me.

My strained vision made out a crouched, lanky figure with red eyes, one of which was faintly covered by a fabric that draped over its head.

I felt Infected by my fears and a terror driven paralysis consumed me. I could not bring myself to close my eyes or even blink.

It surveyed me for a minute then averted its attention elsewhere.

Cracking and a patter noise could be heard downstairs.

The animatronic follows with constrained weight behind each step. It passed the door frame unnaturally, shifting its body up and forward when turning the corner as if to make itself look as large and foreboding as possible.

As I hear it walk down the stairway I make out a second pair of steps trailing up. Then heavy rustling. Then silence.

When my frozen terror had passed I made a run for my car.

If I hadn’t been in such a hurry to escape I might have noticed the string of oil along the stairs, the torn off hinges on the front door or the remains of a disemboweled automaton collapsed beside the building.

[a-valbatross]

The how precedes the why here. I'm gonna explain it because it's fun for me but I'll put it under a readmore since I'm guessing most people are not tremendously interested in it.

So first I unpacked the game with some common tools (UXM Selective Unpacker, WitchyBND for decompression, AquaToolset for filetype converting) to get an FBX file with mohg's in game model and a bunch of compressed textures. FromSoft models are in a weird format, FLVER, which can *mostly* be converted over to FBX without issue, which gets me the basic implementation into blender, as an unshaded model with placeholder materials.

Then I dove into the MATBIN file they use to describe the in-game materials, and used that to find which textures were used in which parts of the body, and spent a couple hours building blender materials that roughly recreated the same look, with some discrepancies that are very hard to suss out, since the variables in the in-game files aren't labeled in a way that tells me much.

Then I cleaned up the mesh to help reduce loose geometry and applied the materials. I wanted to see how it would animate, so I just quickly dropped the file into mixamo and scrolled through the animations. This one was very funny to me, so I brought that animation and skeleton back into blender, and rendered it as a bunch of transparent png frames of dancing, which I then overlaid on top of a screenshot of mohgwyn.

The time consuming part was figuring out how to map the materials and textures correctly into OpenGL shader materials, the ?Server Name? discord has had a bunch of those discussions over the years so I pored back over those to learn what I could.

This model in particular is just auto-rigged the lazy way, since Mohg is humanoid and I took off the outer robe Mixamo did fine. For my animation of the spiritcaller snail, though, I had to build a new animation rig from scratch and hand animate the whole deal; and I also put that one in an actual environment with lighting and such.

So that kind of answers the "why" then too, it all just kind of fell into place and I picked a song that I like because I thought it matched up well with the animation.

when the tarnished are all hanging out by your cool egg

[tenfluenza]

Just read your fyolai coffee shop au so i must ask. What does it feel like to be the funniest person in this fandom? First the fyozai menopause fic now this. You're hilarious and honest to god a genius

thank youuuu~

i actually meant to sit on the fic for a much longer time, but upon hearing that st.gogol's birthday was imminent, i must confess that i rushed writing it. i might rewrite some parts in the future (mostly adding stuff so the setting and pacing feels more complete), but until i get some ideas this is how it's staying.

i originally had some story beats written down over a brainstorm session in my discord server where i wanted to do coffeeshop au but more true to their current dynamic. i honest to god cannot see fyodor as a romantic guy, so i end up making him like the devil in all my fics. exploring nikolai was unexpectedly fun. i watched a lot of jreg videos to pinpoint what kind of vibe i wanted out of him and how i should unpack his inner thoughts. ironic mind games are the only way i can take my fyo ships

i havent been able to articulate my thoughts on nikolai directly, but something something he fights against his base moral values because theyre given to him by a sick moral society. in order to declare himself free he has to oppose his base morality and unpack the underlying values comprising that. something something he lashes out in the form of physical violence but also decays his own concepts of morality by doing so. so all in all his terrorism is pretty productive for self exploration. i.e., irony poisoning. you go glen coco!

the way i like writing fyodor is sort of as a passive observer to frantic people (this in itself can be a horrifying concept). he doesnt necessarily cause any chaos on his own, he's actually quite capable of following rules if he wants to. he's a man on his way and incidentally people experience chaos around him, and he just happens to be there to act as a beacon of devastating normality. the worst thing in turn to happen to those frantic personalities is to "normalize" all actions, becoming such a pillar of normalcy to the point of absurdity, where even murder can be shrugged off as long as the other is acting more crazy in comparison. (you're making such a big deal out of it, you're making yourself believe you did something wrong, are you sure im the wrong one if you're the one who's so worked up?) so, naturally, this kind of personality would be the kind that nikolai would love to use in order to escalate his own emotion and to contrast against his turbulence, while 22dazai i believe would feel an overwhelming sense of disgust and defensiveness against letting death and consequence become a norm. on the other hand, dark era dazai would probably relate a lot more to that dostoyevsky.

[alarrytale]

I know larries already do a lot of marketing for Louis, but do you think spreading knowledge of larrie would get more people on board? I’d never even heard of Louis until a friend of a friend vented about stunting in a discord server. That was 2 years ago and I’ve been here since, but i find that so many big blogs are cagey about trying to spread the truth to others. It’s like there’s this paradox of wanting Louis to be more popular but also being hostile to newer fans who don’t spontaneously know everything that’s happened in the past 10+ years. Like, we could just tell them. Heck I do believe and i still face hostility when i ask some blogs for clarification on ‘basic’ things the master posts gloss over because they assume everyone already knows.

“Um, don’t you remember what happened in 2012?”

No! I just got here!

I’m not saying we need a fandom missionary program, I’m just wondering why a community that claims to be dedicated to supporting two boys through injustice does so much gatekeeping of the knowledge of that injustice. I don’t mean to come off as bitter, but the longer I’m here, more more it feels like certain larrie blogs care more about feeling special for knowing the secret truth rather than getting the truth out there, even if it would help the boys they claim to love.

Hello!

So there is alot to unpack here.

I'm not sure it's a common goal for larries nowadays to spread the gospel of larry. It definitly was back in 2011-2014, when it was clear that the stunts were fake, HL worked actively against their closeting and the fandom as a whole were not split into fractions.

After Louis called larry 'a load of bullshit' and we got larry denials from both of them, fandom including larries started to tone everything down. Larries were scared of repercussions (from Louis mostly), repercussions from management towards HL (sometimes H og L had to stunt after larries were too loud and it got picked up by media). Larries' who were spreading the gospel also started to feel underapreciated because the loudest signaling from HL stopped. That was our fuel. When HL stopped fighting the closet, some larries took this as HL now willigly being in the closet to further their careers. Aka larries being loud now would sabotage HLs goals. So there are larries who dosn't think there is an injustice to fight anymore, if you understand what i'm saying. We have different views of what will 'help' them. None of us knows the whole truth. There are larries who believes in this and larries who believes in that. There isn't one common fandom lore either.

And to your part about treatment of newer fans. For us who's been here for a while it's like you've gone to first grade and progressed to thirteenth grade, but you are still in class with firstgraders who's asking firstgrader questions, didn’t do their homework and are taking up all of the teachers time. I think everyone expect newbies to read up on stuff before asking questions. If a google search can give you the answer, then google it. Explaining things over and over again can be tiresome and doesn’t make a good fandom experience. Also sometimes it's REALLY hard to explain certain things to people who weren't there when it happened. Things happen in context, and explaing why things that seems small now were really groundbreaking back then when it happened, is very difficult. Newbies also have a tendency to ask the basic stuff to bigger/older bloggers. It's like sending an e-mail to a math professor asking why 1+1=2. After answering that question several times a year for 13 years, that blogger might want to answer other more intersting questions. I always lose followers after answering basic questions, because i guess most of my followers knows the answer, have been around for years, and are tired of seeing the same thing on their dashes year after year. It's a difficult balance and i'm sorry you feel dismissed.

[silicon-tmblr]

Most probably the sprites are actually planes because of the fancy lighting effects they wanted to use (that's the theory that floats around in the Discord server at least). The main complaint, aside from being harder to mod, is that there's much, much more efficient ways to implement the same functionality, but it must not have come up in the game's development (and in all honesty this is probably not the worst of V3's optimization crimes).

Though... if I remember right, the mobile release of V3 actually used the 2D implementation method... a shame we can't just use the mobile release

And oh, if it were only as simple as editing an image file... well, it is, after all the obstacles that get in that way of that.

The main issue is unpacking and repacking the file archives that the textures and models are stored in. These archiving systems have to be reverse engineered to not only unpack the image accurately into a viewable file, but also correctly repack the image into the game's archive format, allowing the game to read and use it. The second part is much harder than the first.

If I had to make an analogy... maybe it's kinda like... taking a chunk of clay out of a work-in-progress pot. It's easy enough to take a piece of clay (though doing it without deforming it might be an issue). And if you want to modify that clay and put it back, or add a different piece of clay, the main problem is how you'll reattach it seamlessly; not just because it may look cosmetically bad if it isn't attached well, but also because the whole pot could crack if the piece isn't reattached properly. So if you fail the pot either crashes or spits out glitchy nonsense at you. And right now the tools that we have only really fail at reinserting the files in these scenarios.

To be specific, the way the game handles textures for 3D models is different from how it handles 2D textures elsewhere, and the image repacking tools we have right now can produce workable output for the latter, but not the former (in either case the repacked file is bloated in size, but it is still able to function and display accurately in 2D use-cases).

Resolute Rebellion - a rewrite mod for Danganronpa V3

Prologue now available for download!

It's finally here! Resolute Rebellion, the mod that...

swaps all Ultimate talents

makes Maki the protagonist

kills the Monokubs harder

has original writing and CGs

was a huge pain to wrangle assets for (do you know how many Shuichi sprites I had to turn into Maki. you don't)

will murder different beloved characters (in future updates)

will allow Rantaro to not die in Chapter 1 (again, in future updates)

...can now be on your very own computer at no cost (except the cost of V3 the game. you need to own V3 first)!

Oh yeah, hi by the way. I've been gone for a while. Maybe I'll share what I've been up to later

[getvalentined]

Anon asks are off again, thanks.

This is giving me flashbacks to that time someone demanded I put a "flat chest trigger warning" on photos of myself and then called me transphobic when I refused.

The character in question uses she/her pronouns in-game, and while you can obviously headcanon whatever you want, I literally gushed in the tags on the post this person is referring to about how delighted I was to see an adult female character with my body type.

This hits particularly hard because I've had people use they/them pronouns for me repeatedly, refusing to change when corrected; one person, a mod in a discord server who kept changing my pronouns role from she/her to they/them, literally responded to me correcting them with "I've seen what you look like, you're not fooling anyone."

I once had a "friend" suggest I identify myself as a trans woman on tinder so that other women would be "more forgiving of how [I] look." We're not friends anymore, obviously, because what the fuck. There is so much unabashed fuckery to unpack there I'm not even going to try.

Further context: I'm cisgender, androgynous, and have body dysmorphic disorder that is very focused on my lack of physical femininity. At one time I got a new psych who stripped the BDD diagnosis from my file because "BDD only applies when the physical flaw the patient obsesses over isn't real." Just...for perspective on what I look like. I don't share many pictures of myself for a reason.

Headcanon characters however you want, use whatever pronouns you want, but if you think that an androgynous person can't identify as a woman, you are not as gender inclusive as you think. (That's actually super mega TERFy and you should probably rethink whatever metric you're using to define a woman.)

Also, maybe don't correct people for using canon pronouns.

"She/hers don't look like that!" What the fuck is wrong with you.

[dragonprincequotesimadeup]

Question and answers from the Offical Q&A's in The Dragon Prince Discord Server: Series Questions

Q: "How many seasons are there going to be of the dragon prince? It is a really good story.”

AE: The Dragon Prince saga = seven seasons!

Q: “I wanted to know if this season of the dragon prince was more like ground work to set up other seasons?”

JR: Season 4 does pull forward many of the plotlines and questions from the first three seasons, but it also lays new ground that Seasons 5, 6, and 7 are being built upon. After the Battle of the Storm Spire, the world of Xadia has had some large changes! Humans and elves are having more contact with one another, in some cases even living in the same city or getting married. That doesn’t wipe out all those years of war and mistrust, so there is much to unpack for our gang, as well as Xadia at large. Book Four: Earth is about both playing out where we were headed as well as pointing the story in new directions for the future.

AE: Season 4 = Earth = “ground work” haha

Q: "Why calling the Season "Mystery of Aavaros" instead of "Where is Aavaros?" or - will we see a lot more of him in he next season? Biggest disappointment of the whole season, that the most interesting character had not even 5 minutes of screen time (and you know, the fans want him!). Especially after advertising so much with him."

SJ: “Mystery of Aaravos” isn’t the name of Season 4! Instead, it’s the name of the larger story we’ll be telling over the course of Seasons 4, 5, 6, and 7. This means two things: One, you’ll continue to see the “Mystery of Aaravos” logo and subtitle used for future seasons. And, two, you definitely haven’t seen the last of Aaravos. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to not only properly discover what exactly is so mysterious about the Midnight Star, but also enjoy a lot more screen time with your favorite Startouch elf. (With that said: Can we all just agree those five minutes were absolutely murderous? His verbal smackdown, heretofore known as the Aara-roast, was just [claudia emoji].)

Q: "Love the new season but now i can’t wait [for] it to continue. Is Season 5 in [the] works already?”

SJ: We’re so glad to hear that you enjoyed Season 4 of The Dragon Prince! (And, like you, we can’t wait to dig deeper into the “Mystery of Aaravos” and for you to see how that story unravels.) To answer your question, though: Yes! Seasons 5 is currently in development—as are Seasons 6 and 7. We’ve been working on this set of seasons for some time now, which means the gap between Season 4 and Season 5 will be much shorter than the gap between Season 3 and Season 4. In fact, we’re looking to release Season 5 later next year!

Q: "Honest question, which of the writers had the obsession with fart jokes this season, and why was an entire scene dedicated to Terry’s farts intercut with the scene of Viren having a panic attack? Many viewers including myself felt those jokes were in rather poor taste, especially with previous statements of the series supposedly being more mature in terms of tone and story elements”

AE: So, first, I will offer a learning, and then an explanation. First, the learning: I think we went too far with fart jokes this season! To be clear, we have done jokes like this in the past, but Episode 402 (“Fallen Stars”) had too many too close. I think that threw a segment of our audience and made them feel the show was too young. In retrospect, I would have gotten rid of some and toned some down. But, second, an explanation: The exchanges between Claudia and Terry in front of Viren were sort of MEANT to be awkward and cringe. Claudia is trying to show off her new boyfriend, and how great their relationship is—and she's excitedly sharing lots of inside jokes with her dad because of how proud she is, also because she's just happy to have him back. Like the fact that they call their high fives a “high four-and-a-half,” and then asks: “Isn’t that hilarious?” "The petrichor exchange was supposed to be an example of Claudia oversharing, so it was supposed to be wildly inappropriate, which it was, and make Viren uncomfortable, which is did. But, explanation aside, our goal was never to make our fans uncomfortable. I think we missed the mark in this case because obviously there's been a strong reaction. So, lesson learned. We're keeping an eye on things for future seasons and will pull back anywhere we think goes too far again.

Q: "will the following seasons have a more mature tone? while s4 definitely had its dark moments the overall tone of the season didn't feel any more mature than before, and arguably quite the opposite more often than not (many moments which i personally think should've been handled more seriously ended up with jokes inbetween). i wonder if this will be the case for the remaining seasons or if there will be a "full commitment" to darker stuff at some point. like maybe by the end of the series?"

AE: We see now how, for some people, some of this season’s jokes may seem to contradict the more mature tone of the story, and we own that. But the truth is there is always going to be a balance. The show will go deeper and darker with each new season, but there will always be humor as well. Certainly, we don’t want that humor to step on or overshadow emotional moments, and we are as mindful of that as we can be (and will be even more mindful moving forward)… but sometimes Soren, being Soren, is going to say something silly during a deep moment and that’s just who he is! In addition to tackling more serious subjects, that’s also what The Dragon Prince is. And that playfulness isn’t going to change or go away, no matter how high the stakes may get.

Q: "the lack of subtitles for amaya’s sign language is intentional? i know gren does the interpretation most of the time, but there are several scenes (especially during seasons 2-3) in which amaya is alone. it’s a way to make a statement about the general public not knowing sign language?"

SJ: We wanted all of Amaya’s scenes to feel very intimate, but also authentic for the audience who may or may not know ASL, so we made an intentional choice to not subtitle her lines unless a translator (like Gren) was present.