#there was so much i had to unpack this in a discord server

[kavalyera]

The worst thing I’ve ever done…if you don’t count the problematic shit I write about, I am actually a very gentle, law-abiding, progressive, and ethical person in real life…but I still think about this girl back in high school. I tried to befriend her because we were both weird nerds before that was cool, but she stabbed me in the back and talked shit about me to a bunch of people for some reason I don’t even remember. Probably just because she was mentally ill. On the surface I didn’t react at all, just ignored her. But I knew her FFN and DeviantArt usernames and I created multiple fake accounts to flame and troll her. Some other people online picked it up and started making fun of her as well (her writing and art were not great but she was just a kid). Finally a long fic with a Mary Sue type self-insert that she’d worked really hard on got sporked, i.e. dissected and mocked line by line on the kind of site that was popular back in the day. She went ballistic, deleted everything, but not before people at school found out and started calling her by her Sue’s name. She got in a physical fight, got suspended and never came back to school, and I heard at one point she’d attempted suicide and got put in a loony bin. If true that might or might not have anything to do with my actions, but I came from a much more stable and privileged background than she did, and am still ashamed that I wasn’t able to be the bigger person.

…Whew. So who’s my character?

This is honestly something Santino would do if he was in middle school circa 2010s and the victim is like John or Gianna😭

( confession + john wick character kin assign )

[f4rfields]

ngl sometimes the sentiment of "don't ever say anything that might suggest someone may be trans ever" on tumblr being as pervasive as it is feels less like a "i'm trying to be respectful of how you identify/not trying to pry into something you may not be comfortable with" thing and more adjacent to the "trans-as-social-contagion" line that transphobes have.

i didn't feel like i was able to id as anything but cis woman until one of my transfem nb lesbian friends took the time to ask me how i felt about my relationship to gender after watching me post quite a bit in the vent channels on a discord server we were both on. she told me that a lot of the feelings i was having about my relationship to gender and sexuality were things she had also felt before when figuring her own relationship to it out (albeit her journey was different because she also has to navigate transmisogyny), that i shouldn't be afraid to explore the possibility of being nonbinary and even just using "lesbian" as a means to describe my relationship to gender if that felt right, and that i wouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes in doing so.

and that conversation was like a sigh of relief to me after having held my breath for years and being afraid of putting an actual name to how i felt about myself. tbh, if she hadn't reached out, i'd probably still be here telling myself that i'm a cis woman despite how much the concept made me want to crawl out of my skin and made me feel like i was having to smother a part of myself in the process. and i do not think that this is a completely unique experience.

while there's always a line that can be crossed when it comes to just about any personal topic and ultimately that gender identity is journey of self-discovery, the idea that even mildly and compassionately suggesting that someone might benefit from exploring options with their gender identity during a heart-to-heart is somehow inherently disrespectful, or god forbid, predatory (especially when it comes to transfems) is something a lot of people need to unpack.

[a-very-tired-jew]

Finally got an anti-Zionist definition of Zionism

An Israeli was brave enough to pop into the Dropout Discord’s Palestine channel today (May 5th, 2024) and ask what definition of Zionism they were using. While most people all had the same base of “Jews having their own state in their homeland” every single one of them goes off the rails with their own respective definition and conspiracy.

The first person said this:

Fig. 1. First person responding to the Israeli gives their definition of Zionism.

Notice that they say Zionism is the idea that Israel is uniquely and solely the rightful homeland of the Jews. This implies that there’s a malicious intent in Zionism towards non-Jews within Israel. This person has likely never heard of Kahanism, but in their mind Zionism and Kahanism are likely the same.

Here’s the second person to respond:

Fig. 2. Second response uses refers to anti-Zionist. Jews and their supposed definition.

Now, I know a bunch of anti-Zionist Jewish groups and people and I have never heard this particular definition. I’ve only heard this from extreme antisemites who hide behind the guise of being anti-Zionist progressives and actual terrorist groups trying to create a false antisemitic conspiracy narrative. However, this is my own personal experience and this could be the case, as the user says this is what is said in their circles. And if it’s true then it’s a conspiracy driven alt reality version of things as it denies all evidence to the contrary. There are whole levels to this that ignore the non-Jewish Israelis, the rights that they have in Israel, their representation in the government, and so on.

and the third person to respond is someone I’ve talked about before. This is the Jew who claims they were indoctrinated and all their elders are brainwashed and just need to “open their eyes to the truth.”

Fig. 3. Third response from a user who expands on Fig. 1. User’s definition and adds their own conspiracy.

I want to point out that this token Jew who believes others are indoctrinated actively believes the Israeli is making it so only Jews can be citizens. This is not any policy I can find, nor is it something I’ve seen even talked about outside of the most extremist elements. I think they’re referencing the 2018 stuff about Jews having the right to self determination, setting Hebrew as the National language, and government endorsement of settlers. But that’s far from the Israeli government and Zionism stating that Israel is for Jews and only Jews, and active programs to remove non-Jews. It’s something that, once again, would only come from antisemitic groups who want to generate strife through a particular narrative.

These are the definitions that they’re working with and/or believe. It’s no wonder you can’t actually talk to these activists because these definitions are laced with rhetoric from terrorist groups and antisemites. There’s traces of Jewish supremacy, world control, and other tropes throughout, and what’s sad is that a self confessed Jewish person believes it. Not only do they believe it, they’ve been extremely vocal in the server about it. They have so much to unpack that I can’t imagine what brought them to this level of conspiratorial thinking regarding Jews and Zionism.

It takes a lot of work to get people to see their conspiracy theories for what they are and that they’ve been misled. It’s easier to fall into them than to crawl out of that hole and realize you’ve been radicalized. That takes time, self reflection, and often a big “oh shit” moment, which may or may never happen.

At this point I’m just documenting how radicalized the people in the Dropout TV Discord are and how many of them believe in antisemitic conspiracies and downright falsities. Maybe they’ll do something about it one day, but I doubt it.

[acaplaya-musings]

Voiceplay Visuals - Be Prepared

Voiceplay's full-length cover of Be Prepared was released on the 28th of September (or the 27th depending on your timezone, same deal as always), and in fact it's still the 28th for me as I type this! Yes, I'm getting this ready at least a couple of days in advance of when I plan to post it, 1 because I've waited long enough already, and 2 because VoicePlay's next release (their Halloween video) is meant to drop on Patreon before the end of September and I wanna get this done before it happens!

Anyway, this features Mykal Kilgore, who's an OG member, not technically of VoicePlay, but of "4 The Love", which consisted of Mykal, Geoff, Layne, and Earl, back when they were about 17 I believe? Then at some point they added Scott Porter as a beatbooxer and became 4:2:Five. Mykal appeared a little bit in Just Sing, but otherwise this is the first time he's properly reunited with Geoff and Layne and gotten to meet Eli and Cesar! He was definitely a great contribution to this video.

There's a lot to unpack visually in this video, and again, I've been dying to make this post, so let's! get! into this!!!

Honestly I can't even think of much to say about the overall set design right now other than yoooooo look how cool this is!!

They absolutely nailed the vibe/aesthetic of the original scene, while still keeping the set "simple" enough for plenty of movement and use of space!

Layne was in charge of the arrangement, creative direction, and video editing for this video, shocker to no one (a Disney song cover that places Geoff front and centre? Gotta be Layne's doing 😂 (and we love him for it!))

Oh yeah also I'm pretty sure the aspect ratio is a bit "narrower" than it often is for most VP videos? (Like the screen is more noticeably wider than it is tall.)

There he is!!! (It was at this point on my first watch-through that I had to take a moment to steel myself because I was like "nope nope nope hang on wait I don't think I'm actually prepared for this" 😅

As to be expected, Eli is credited with lighting, but he also helped out with the fog machine things shown here in this image (the one on the left is more visible here). VoicePlay hadn't worked with these things before, but they worked amazingly, and it's another thing to give the video similarities to the original movie scene. However, these things were actually Quite Loud

Not the clearest image but look at Layne and Cesar being all sneaky/creepy here! (Layne does a little skip-step thing in this shot here that's brief but kinda reminds me just a touch of his little run in This Is Halloween)

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Rick Underwood the man that you are, please, let me shake your hand, I love you (whether I'll still love him after the Halloween video remains to be determined, but anyway)

I mean honestly this is a Whole Look and I adore every part of it. The "facial scruff", the eyeliner, the freaking awesome jacket, the hair... I'm gonna stop myself from rambling too much too early ^^;

"I know that your powers of retention... are as wet as a warthog's backside."

A couple of things here:

1, You would probably expect Layne to just be another hyena (after all, there's many more than just Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed in the original scene), but it's possible that he might have intended to be a warthog, given this moment here (and also at the end of the BTS there's a clip of Layne messing around with one of the smoke/fog machines in a very Pumbaa-esque manner, lol).

And 2, credit to @ambular-d who first noticed this and pointed it out in the Discord server: Layne dips his shoulder here, "like Geoff's casual disdainful little swipe has some strength behind it." (directly quoting them here)

Okay now let's pay attention (ayyy) to our "main hyena trio" for a moment

There is no real style coordination here and yet somehow it works (well they're all in black/dark grey so they've got that in common). But like Cesar's got a grey leopard-print jumper/sweater (kinda cute ngl), Mykal's got a black fluffy (fringed?) shirt/sweater thing, and Eli's got a black leather jacket on (he looks very cool in it though - definitely suits him)

Mykal's the only one of the total five who isn't wearing some sort of necklace, but I guess he makes up for it with the bones hanging from the top of his head (and for all I know that actually might be a necklace that he just wrapped around the base of his hairbun)

ALSO I just went to go check my post for Friends On The Other Side because I was wondering if Cesar's necklace here was one of the ones worn by Geoff or Layne in that video, and I don't think it is (too short), but I'm 90% certain that Eli's necklace here is one of the same ones that Geoff was wearing!

Dramatic lighting flash! Low-key similar to Hoist The Colours (another video featuring scruff, guyliner, and heavily colour-tinted lighting), and also Geoff's recent Song Of Durin video!

(Also man I'm gonna hit image limit aren't I, lol rip)

"It's clear from your vacant expressions, the lights are not all on upstairs"

It's a blurry image, but I couldn't help but be tempted to do a Screenshot Comparison for this moment (plus another one a bit later in the song) because Layne absolutely understood the assignment and I was quite pleased that this bit got recreated!

(Also yes, Cesar is Ed, lol)

This moment in the video with Geoff and Cesar (including the second half of the line) got turned into a meme gif on the Patrons Discord server to represent VoicePlay and the audio distributors that they've been having issues with 😂

"And where do we feature?" "Just listen to teacher"

I don't remember it looking like that in the original scene! 😝 (but seriously, I love how Geoff and Cesar can't help but be cute together here - you should see their dynamic in some of the BTS videos, it's the best)

Pfft, this moment also got memed in the Discord server XD ("ask me to sing a G-1 one more time!" (credit again to @ambular-d) or alternatively "I said there are ants in the coffee again!" (that one's a reference to one of the BTS videos))

I'm honestly a little jealous of how cool Geoff looks while doing the sort of lifting motion he does in this moment here

Oh yeah that's definitely one of the Friends On The Other Side necklaces that Eli's got on

Also it took me an embarassingly-large amount of watches to realize that Cesar had painted nails for this one (in my defence, I was very distracted 😂)

Sure go ahead Eli, have your moment, stare into my soul, go on (affectionate)

"Of course quid pro quo you're expected, to take Certain Duties on board"

Again, not a great screenshot, but again, another moment recreated (at least in a general sense) from the original scene!

This is also a good place to point out how the lighting has changed from green to yellow, just as it does in the original scene, and it changed at the same spot as well (right on or just before the "it's great that we'll soon be connected..." line)

Oh rip it is tough to get good screencaps for this one (probably at least partially due to all the fog)

Anyway I wanted to point out that Layne's a little over an inch taller than Geoff (possibly two inches if you count the hair, lol), but in this one he mostly stays at least a little hunched, at least when Geoff's next to him, making Geoff look equal height if not taller (and from a storytelling perspective, it's great!)

"YOU WON'T GET A SNIFF WITHOUT ME!"

A quick shift to red colouring, again just as the movie scene (and also now the video looks crystal clear as well!)

(Also goddamn Geoff is really working the crazy evil villain look... like man 👀)

Mykal and Eli vibing, I love it

Cesar, Mykal, and Eli's reaction to the growl/roar 😂

Cesar is shook! Literally! XD

Nothing much to say here, just that Geoff looks amazing and is amazing

(Also shoutout to his white-grey hair, which was looking wonderfully-prominent in this video and I adore it)

(woof) HELLO THERE GOOD SIR 😳👉👈

This is a rare case of me not having a "he's so pretty" moment with Geoff in a video, but that's because for this one, it's more a case of "he's so hot" 👀

*insert evil laughter here*

And that's Be Prepared! Man, what a video!

Next on the list is of course VoicePlay's Halloween release for 2024, whatever that turns out to be. I'm both excited and nervous (or scared, even), but hey, I have no doubt it will give me plenty to talk about! Until next time!

[wheelchairtetris]

16 and 17!

16. What disability space have you found most welcoming to you?

I have not spent a lot of time in irl disability spaces -- but when I am with disabled friends I always feel loved & supported. Online, I have found welcoming spaces in some discord servers, the cpunk community, etc, but the online nature of those communities make it feel markedly different from how irl communities feel.

17. What disability space have you found most hostile to be in?

Not actively hostile but--I had a pretty odd/negative experience of Tumblr's approach to neurodiversity and mental illness when I was younger (idk, circa 2015-2019). I think that what I experienced wasn't so much hostile or negative, but rather just fundamentally different from my experiences? I think that there was an emphasis on diagnosis or categorization of symptoms, and I had never been easily fit into diagnostic categories. During that time I'd had a lot of professionals throw a lot of different diagnoses at me, none of which fully explain my experiences. I felt the need to "find the accurate diagnosis" which then led to a cycle of negative feelings and still leaves me feeling odd/negative/put out in discussions of neurodiversity at times.

This all wasn't really the fault of anyone else or any community, but it took me a while to unpack the desire/need/want of a diagnosis and to instead focus on creating space for me to accept my own experiences and work through how to manage them. It also helped that I stopped going through really intense depressive episodes when I started medically transitioning and graduated high school, haha. Anyways, all of this led me to a vague and underresearched appreciation for the antipsychiatry movement and an opposition to pathologizing all behaviors.

[borom1r]

1-25 choose violence ask game ❤️

ALL OF THEM?????? you’re so real for this ty snfnsnbfns. doing LotR bc of course I am

1. the character everyone gets wrong

PIPPIN I HATE TO SAY IT BUT PIPPIN. all those incorrect quote polls that have been posted where pippin keeps fucking winning YALL REALIZE HES AN ACTUAL CHARACTER RIGHT?? with like depth?? and bonds?? and a personality. yall realize that right?????? right??? ik we all love 2 joke but he would not say half of those things

2. a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

ok I personally enjoy both for Boromir BUT if he IS topping. he is a service top. I will die on this hill

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

I block ppl for these takes so no screenshots but everyone who thinks Boromir is a villain. if you think Boromir is a villain I will key your car.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

there is one singular straw and it is bad Boromir takes in the Boromir tag

5. worst discord server and why

I don’t join fandom discord servers bc I love myself too much for that 💗

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

ummm idk? most of my lotr mutuals have different ships from me and it’s all chill. but tbf I’m very selective abt who I interact with now lmao.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

no one yet thank fuck.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Aragorn/Arwen isn’t actually romantic sorry I think it’s fucked up actually. the vibes are off there for SURE

9. worst part of canon

FARAMIR’S “yeah I’m gonna take you from your home and tame you. haha wdym. you don’t need a blade during times of peace.” SHTICK WITH ÉOWYN IN THE BOOKS. UNPACK YOUR BIASES YOU LITTLE FREAK!!!!!!!!

10. worst part of fanon

HM. I will stick with “people who horrifically misinterpret Boromir’s character”

11. number of fandom-related words you've filtered

at the moment I only have rings of power blocked but I’ve had that blocked since it came out bc if I look at the armor in that show I will commit crimes.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

MOVIE!FARAMIR MY SPECIALEST LITTLE GUY OOOOOOOOOO MOVIE!FARAMIR I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU he’s so handsome and special and I love him and you WILL all look at him and clap and cheer. it makes me insane that his temptation by the ring mirror’s Boromir’s and he’s actually fucking normal abt the Rohirrim AND I just love him very much :)

13. worst blorboficiation

ummm idk… maybe Frodo

14. that one thing you see in fics all the time

HMMM exposing myself but I basically only read Aragorn/Boromir fics lmao + since we’re Choosing Violence the most annoying thing is Boromir just being A Brute. like damn I love the surface level reading of the text maybe try engaging with it above a 1st grade analysis next time 💗

15. that one thing you see in fanart all the time

hmmmmm idk cuz again I don’t interact w a lot of fanartists so there’s nothing like. annoying. all th ✨motifs✨ I do see r very fun + I like them :)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

ummm for Serious, portraying Pippin as Stupid. for Silly, uhhhh Trans Faramir is so real to me I completely forgot cis people both 1) exist in the real world and 2) probably interpret Fara as cis too. i don’t get it :(

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

trans Faramir 🩵💗🤍

18. it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

HM idk. trans Faramir again. also bc I love it, utilizing Old Norse culture for the Rohirrim teehee

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

OK IM MAD THAT FINNISH BOROMIR IS JUST ME. THATS ME. THATS AN OUTFIT I WEAR REGULARLY MINUS THE LONG HAIR. I DRESS LIKE THAT TO BUY GROCERIES. i love him for that tho. I’m also mad that MtG Boromir’s stupid pointy muttonchops have grown on me. freak behavior, keeping his facial hair trimmed in those stupid little points

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

I’m fighting for my life reading the histories rn 😑 I find them very dry for the most part

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

idk? I think there is an appropriate level of hype. but idk if Rings of Power had a lot of hype. if it did, then Rings of Power is my answer

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

idk if it’s IGNORED necessarily but the fact that Boromir carries a Rohirric shield in the films does actually genuinely make me insane 💞 I love that sm

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

UNWILLINGLY?????? idk?? ummmm I think it’s all fine for the most part I’m just A Fag so I don’t write het ships. it’s like a moral thing. Éowyn/Faramir gets a pass conceptually bc they’re T4T to me tho

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

idkkkkkkk I don’t engage w discourse bc I want this fandom to remain pleasanttttt

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

again idk.. I block on sight if I see a Bad Take + then I erase it from my memory so I can continue to live in a beautiful blissful world where I. forgor abt cis people ☺️

[sun-e-chips]

My entree for the DCA Halloween writing contest on the DCAH2023 discord server

We were challenging to write under 1,000 words I think mine was exactly 1,000 haha.

——————————————————

It is … a small room.

I can’t really complain, compared to the local hotels and inns this Bed and Breakfast was by far the most reasonable.

The room even reminded me of a 1930’s haunted study. Every inch of the wall had Victorian furniture against it except for the space left empty for the window which overlooked the gravel parking lot.

It felt spooky in a comforting kind of way.

Setting my suitcase on the nightstand so I wouldn’t have to keep stepping over it, I began unpacking my supplies. After I laid out everything in a tired but organized manner I felt very satisfied with my preparedness for the ghost hunting this weekend.

By no means am I a professional, in fact I’m a straight up amateur. But this seasoned gig has turned into a rather fun hobby and excuse to visit some ghostly sites this time of year.

…

That night, I dreamed that there was a tapping against my window, when I got up to look closer at my visitor all I could make out was a faint shadow on the glass.

When I awoke I deduced that it was of course the rain that had passed through earlier this morning as I could still see the fresh droplets clinging against the window.

Nevertheless my night was perfectly ordinary and I had slept well enough.

My day was also fairly ordinary, I got dressed, checked out the local shops, and meandered around town until it came close to sunset. Then It took all of me to not run back to the Bed and Breakfast, where I grabbed my things and caught a trolley that would take me to what is now the resting place of Freddy’s Arcade and Daycare!

I’m coming along with a tour group tonight but tomorrow I made sure that I would get the place all to myself!

Thankfully the owner had no problem opening up the building for another day.

As long as I pay the overnight fee and check in with the watch-woman when I leave I’ll be in nobody's way.

“This rotten place doesn’t see many visitors” he said,

“For legal reasons we have to keep most of the original arcades and animatronics boxed and locked away. That’s why it’s functioning more as a warehouse than a haunted attraction.”

My group was a fairly pleasant one, though we didn’t catch much evidence or experience any anomalies. We had fun nonetheless.

The most memorable of our group, I think her name was Cerys, had experienced a paranormal encounter herself here last fall.

“It was just down that hallway by the storage doors that I felt a tug at my collar that thankfully released when my friends called back to me. Only lasted a second or two but it was undeniable and sent a violent shiver up my spine”

“Do you think the ghost was trying to reach out to you in private?”

“Maybe, but since then I try not to stray too far from the crowd here. If the ghost wishes to have an audience of one I rather not be the lucky volunteer”

I retired that night in hopes that tomorrow’s solo investigation would be more fruitful.

…

Now that I’m standing inside the arcade alone I can see why tourist numbers have dwindled. Without the clutter of games and other mechanical entertainment the rooms feel rather barren and lifeless. I make my way across the hallway to the daycare and don’t give much thought to the one or two ajar doors that centered the gallery.

The daycare also appears relatively bare, all that stands is a rusted play structure that probably doesn’t have long till it too is locked and stored away.

I managed to find a clean spot to sit and begin throwing out some questions into the dark void.

“Is there anyone here who would like to reach out to me”

“…”

“I have a few tools here that can help you to communicate with me, a spirit box, EMF reader, flashlight..”

(creak)

“Oh you can also answer my questions with taps, one tap for yes and two taps for no. would you prefer that”

“…”

“I’ll be staying in here for the night. Is that ok with you?”

(faint shuffling)

“Do you remember who you are?”

(creak)

“Do you like having visitors?”

“…”

“Are you human?”

(creak creak)

“Are you able to leave this place?”

(crea-)

An alarm in the building trips, scares the crap out of me and my visitation is cut short, damn.

I caught the watch-woman on my way out and she confirmed that the building will be closed off to evaluate the cause of the alarm. Great.

To bed it is.

Well that was clearly the wrong decision because something had followed me back.

I awoke with undefinable fear, aware that something was in the room with me.

My strained vision made out a crouched, lanky figure with red eyes, one of which was faintly covered by a fabric that draped over its head.

I felt Infected by my fears and a terror driven paralysis consumed me. I could not bring myself to close my eyes or even blink.

It surveyed me for a minute then averted its attention elsewhere.

Cracking and a patter noise could be heard downstairs.

The animatronic follows with constrained weight behind each step. It passed the door frame unnaturally, shifting its body up and forward when turning the corner as if to make itself look as large and foreboding as possible.

As I hear it walk down the stairway I make out a second pair of steps trailing up. Then heavy rustling. Then silence.

When my frozen terror had passed I made a run for my car.

If I hadn’t been in such a hurry to escape I might have noticed the string of oil along the stairs, the torn off hinges on the front door or the remains of a disemboweled automaton collapsed beside the building.

[oneominousvalbatross]

The how precedes the why here. I'm gonna explain it because it's fun for me but I'll put it under a readmore since I'm guessing most people are not tremendously interested in it.

So first I unpacked the game with some common tools (UXM Selective Unpacker, WitchyBND for decompression, AquaToolset for filetype converting) to get an FBX file with mohg's in game model and a bunch of compressed textures. FromSoft models are in a weird format, FLVER, which can *mostly* be converted over to FBX without issue, which gets me the basic implementation into blender, as an unshaded model with placeholder materials.

Then I dove into the MATBIN file they use to describe the in-game materials, and used that to find which textures were used in which parts of the body, and spent a couple hours building blender materials that roughly recreated the same look, with some discrepancies that are very hard to suss out, since the variables in the in-game files aren't labeled in a way that tells me much.

Then I cleaned up the mesh to help reduce loose geometry and applied the materials. I wanted to see how it would animate, so I just quickly dropped the file into mixamo and scrolled through the animations. This one was very funny to me, so I brought that animation and skeleton back into blender, and rendered it as a bunch of transparent png frames of dancing, which I then overlaid on top of a screenshot of mohgwyn.

The time consuming part was figuring out how to map the materials and textures correctly into OpenGL shader materials, the ?Server Name? discord has had a bunch of those discussions over the years so I pored back over those to learn what I could.

This model in particular is just auto-rigged the lazy way, since Mohg is humanoid and I took off the outer robe Mixamo did fine. For my animation of the spiritcaller snail, though, I had to build a new animation rig from scratch and hand animate the whole deal; and I also put that one in an actual environment with lighting and such.

So that kind of answers the "why" then too, it all just kind of fell into place and I picked a song that I like because I thought it matched up well with the animation.

when the tarnished are all hanging out by your cool egg

[tenfluenza]

Just read your fyolai coffee shop au so i must ask. What does it feel like to be the funniest person in this fandom? First the fyozai menopause fic now this. You're hilarious and honest to god a genius

thank youuuu~

i actually meant to sit on the fic for a much longer time, but upon hearing that st.gogol's birthday was imminent, i must confess that i rushed writing it. i might rewrite some parts in the future (mostly adding stuff so the setting and pacing feels more complete), but until i get some ideas this is how it's staying.

i originally had some story beats written down over a brainstorm session in my discord server where i wanted to do coffeeshop au but more true to their current dynamic. i honest to god cannot see fyodor as a romantic guy, so i end up making him like the devil in all my fics. exploring nikolai was unexpectedly fun. i watched a lot of jreg videos to pinpoint what kind of vibe i wanted out of him and how i should unpack his inner thoughts. ironic mind games are the only way i can take my fyo ships

i havent been able to articulate my thoughts on nikolai directly, but something something he fights against his base moral values because theyre given to him by a sick moral society. in order to declare himself free he has to oppose his base morality and unpack the underlying values comprising that. something something he lashes out in the form of physical violence but also decays his own concepts of morality by doing so. so all in all his terrorism is pretty productive for self exploration. i.e., irony poisoning. you go glen coco!

the way i like writing fyodor is sort of as a passive observer to frantic people (this in itself can be a horrifying concept). he doesnt necessarily cause any chaos on his own, he's actually quite capable of following rules if he wants to. he's a man on his way and incidentally people experience chaos around him, and he just happens to be there to act as a beacon of devastating normality. the worst thing in turn to happen to those frantic personalities is to "normalize" all actions, becoming such a pillar of normalcy to the point of absurdity, where even murder can be shrugged off as long as the other is acting more crazy in comparison. (you're making such a big deal out of it, you're making yourself believe you did something wrong, are you sure im the wrong one if you're the one who's so worked up?) so, naturally, this kind of personality would be the kind that nikolai would love to use in order to escalate his own emotion and to contrast against his turbulence, while 22dazai i believe would feel an overwhelming sense of disgust and defensiveness against letting death and consequence become a norm. on the other hand, dark era dazai would probably relate a lot more to that dostoyevsky.

[a-humble-narcissus]

So, I really don’t know where to put this but I really need to put this out there or I’ll explode

Today I got harassed online due to a single line in my profile:

“He/they”

Tw transphobia, explicitly described, including the use of the t slur

So I usually don’t disclose that much about me, but I have been working out for one year now and I thought that joining a fitness discord server would be a cool idea to share ideas with others.

For the sake of getting away from the whole shitshow that this discord was, I will NOT be mentioning its name. Sorry but I don’t want anything to do with it.

Upon joining, I did what one does and I said “hi!”. As you do.

Wanna know what the first messages directed at me were?

“Your username sounded cool but then I say your pfp [which is a tiefling????] and pronouns [he/they] and I decided it’s not worth it”

“I’ll never get pronouns. They is plural.”

So let’s unpack this.

At the time all I could do was research the rest of the chat to see if it was or not trans friendly, see that indeed it was NOT and BOOK IT. “Welcoming community” my ass, not when the people are so willing to mock people with “tranny” and also when the people with the “friend” exclusive role are willing to systematically share videos of trans people to bitch about how they are so wrong for existing and begging “fellow people with a sliver of conscience” to agree with your point of view. Oh and also when, upon being asked if the server is LGBTQ+ friendly, the answer from said LGBTQ+ members is “oh there’s some bigots here but we try to ignore them” BESTIE WHAT IS THE MOD TEAM FOR?????? GET OUT???? THERE’S BETTER SPACES MATE I PROMISE.

These things were also not being said by newbies, we are talking about level 20/ level 40 users

So yeah. “WELCOMING COMMUNITY” Y’ALL

But okay what is there to unpack?

Well, how little it takes to be singled out and mocked in online spaces for starters. I share very little of myself online. Pictures, even my voice, background, political opinions, religious thoughts, most of these are kept for people I trust and even then very select few.

All that these people had to start acting bigoted towards me was that I use he/they pronouns. In my profile, which they went out of their way to check.

That’s… that’s it. They say that I use “they” and decided that it would be cool to mock me.

And that’s so terrifying. I keep my pronouns in my profile because it’s usually useful, thankfully most of the spaces I’m in are queer owned ot queer friendly. No one minds them. It’s so small of a detail. Otherwise you would have no reason to think I am not a cis guy most of the time. But that’s enough of a small detail for them to be bigoted.

It’s terrifying to think what they do to people who are visibly queer, who use neopronouns, who use pride flags, who sound a way that might single them out as trans. It’s terrifying that these are the kind of spaces that also exist in real life people have to deal with, where the smallest flaw will make people hound at you, so you have to constantly check if you are in line with the program.

It was terrifying, no matter how small a tell is to say “your pronouns are not okay with me”, because I felt so exposed by such a small thing, such a small part of who I am, and that once they zeroed in it, they made it all who I was, the “stupid weird tranny”. No longer it mattered to them who else I was, that I also love working out, that I am aiming to do a full pull-up by the end of the year and would love some advice (my core is TERRIBLE LMAO). Things that I had yet to say because I like to say “hi” right once I land in a server.

No. “He/they” = “Freak/attack”

And suddenly, the one thing that I use to empower myself, the one thing which I refuse to have taken away from me when any form of physical masc presentation is wishful thinking due to the irl circumstances of my life, that thing is being used as a WEAPON against me.

“He/they” = “I love myself”?

“He/they” = “I hate you”?

Bigots will cling at the smallest thing about you and use it as a weapon. We should be mindful of this. You cannot change to a palatable version of yourself without giving up on who you are, and that will destroy you in the long run. And others being more visible than you will never be the problem (yes, I am staring transmed and trans people who invalidate other trans people’s experience in the eyes as I say this) because it was never a matter of trans people looking unserious.

It was always about trans people looking “out of place”, no matter how small the details are.

[alarrytale]

I know larries already do a lot of marketing for Louis, but do you think spreading knowledge of larrie would get more people on board? I’d never even heard of Louis until a friend of a friend vented about stunting in a discord server. That was 2 years ago and I’ve been here since, but i find that so many big blogs are cagey about trying to spread the truth to others. It’s like there’s this paradox of wanting Louis to be more popular but also being hostile to newer fans who don’t spontaneously know everything that’s happened in the past 10+ years. Like, we could just tell them. Heck I do believe and i still face hostility when i ask some blogs for clarification on ‘basic’ things the master posts gloss over because they assume everyone already knows.

“Um, don’t you remember what happened in 2012?”

No! I just got here!

I’m not saying we need a fandom missionary program, I’m just wondering why a community that claims to be dedicated to supporting two boys through injustice does so much gatekeeping of the knowledge of that injustice. I don’t mean to come off as bitter, but the longer I’m here, more more it feels like certain larrie blogs care more about feeling special for knowing the secret truth rather than getting the truth out there, even if it would help the boys they claim to love.

Hello!

So there is alot to unpack here.

I'm not sure it's a common goal for larries nowadays to spread the gospel of larry. It definitly was back in 2011-2014, when it was clear that the stunts were fake, HL worked actively against their closeting and the fandom as a whole were not split into fractions.

After Louis called larry 'a load of bullshit' and we got larry denials from both of them, fandom including larries started to tone everything down. Larries were scared of repercussions (from Louis mostly), repercussions from management towards HL (sometimes H og L had to stunt after larries were too loud and it got picked up by media). Larries' who were spreading the gospel also started to feel underapreciated because the loudest signaling from HL stopped. That was our fuel. When HL stopped fighting the closet, some larries took this as HL now willigly being in the closet to further their careers. Aka larries being loud now would sabotage HLs goals. So there are larries who dosn't think there is an injustice to fight anymore, if you understand what i'm saying. We have different views of what will 'help' them. None of us knows the whole truth. There are larries who believes in this and larries who believes in that. There isn't one common fandom lore either.

And to your part about treatment of newer fans. For us who's been here for a while it's like you've gone to first grade and progressed to thirteenth grade, but you are still in class with firstgraders who's asking firstgrader questions, didn’t do their homework and are taking up all of the teachers time. I think everyone expect newbies to read up on stuff before asking questions. If a google search can give you the answer, then google it. Explaining things over and over again can be tiresome and doesn’t make a good fandom experience. Also sometimes it's REALLY hard to explain certain things to people who weren't there when it happened. Things happen in context, and explaing why things that seems small now were really groundbreaking back then when it happened, is very difficult. Newbies also have a tendency to ask the basic stuff to bigger/older bloggers. It's like sending an e-mail to a math professor asking why 1+1=2. After answering that question several times a year for 13 years, that blogger might want to answer other more intersting questions. I always lose followers after answering basic questions, because i guess most of my followers knows the answer, have been around for years, and are tired of seeing the same thing on their dashes year after year. It's a difficult balance and i'm sorry you feel dismissed.

[im-thinking-arson]

TW: The FC leader, abusive situation.

Thank you for coming with the truth about that fc leader. He hurt me terribly and ruined me including making others believe his lies about me and to this day I still see him popular in social media while I lost so much. Years later I am still dealing with consequences of his actions. His group made me loose social contacts and pushed me into deep depression. I will never be able to recover the relationships I had before I met him. He confused my mind making me feel guilty and apologize just to have peace. I know know who to blame, it wasn’t me even if I made several mistakes reacting to his provocations but unlike him I admit I reacted badly to his group attacks. Thank you for bringing me truth, it’s sad most still see him and his allies as good and harmless. Good luck recovering.

Thank you. I hope you are recovering from what he and his group did and I am sorry to hear you went through that. He hurt pretty much everyone he closely interacted with, and honestly there is a lot more that probably should be said on the matter.

In the end every single person in that FC came forward to express being either hurt by him or afraid of him lashing out at them or slandering them- though 3 of his closest friends decided to withdraw their complaints and excuse his actions. They are dangerous and each made conscious efforts to ignore his abuse of others and as a group they lied, contradicted their own statements, victim-blamed, and gaslit people. They made judgements about people and treated them poorly purely based on opinions (not facts) of the situation. The FC leader made most of his decisions based on what he -felt- people meant or how he perceived it to affect him and encouraged his friends to do the same.

For example, he promised to keep the discord open to his community until he figured out what to do with the FC, and then almost immediately began kicking people from both the server and FC with no provocation. When I asked him about it he said he kicked people he didn't (personally) feel 'safe' to be around... Basically, he suspected them of coming forward with confessions of abuse and he didn't know how to silence them.

There is sadly SO much more to the situation. Part of why I haven't laid everything out is I can't even fully wrap my mind around my own experience. I've been trying for two years(?) to unpack and sort all of the trauma but I keep breaking down every time I try. It took 4 of us, with testimony from other former members, 3 months (if I remember correctly) to sort out the majority of the mess and come to terms with the sheer magnitude of bullshit and abuse that we all collectively experienced.

I am a lot better now than I have been but it is still a day-to-day battle with anxiety and depression. My memory feels a bit like swiss cheese... I am missing at least a few months (collectively) of memories from how often I disassociate from the weight of stress between this and other unrelated real life issues.

Sorry for the late reply on this, I wanted to make sure I was in a good state of mind to answer this. I wish I could have helped his other victims more. I hope you are well.

[silicon-tmblr]

Most probably the sprites are actually planes because of the fancy lighting effects they wanted to use (that's the theory that floats around in the Discord server at least). The main complaint, aside from being harder to mod, is that there's much, much more efficient ways to implement the same functionality, but it must not have come up in the game's development (and in all honesty this is probably not the worst of V3's optimization crimes).

Though... if I remember right, the mobile release of V3 actually used the 2D implementation method... a shame we can't just use the mobile release

And oh, if it were only as simple as editing an image file... well, it is, after all the obstacles that get in that way of that.

The main issue is unpacking and repacking the file archives that the textures and models are stored in. These archiving systems have to be reverse engineered to not only unpack the image accurately into a viewable file, but also correctly repack the image into the game's archive format, allowing the game to read and use it. The second part is much harder than the first.

If I had to make an analogy... maybe it's kinda like... taking a chunk of clay out of a work-in-progress pot. It's easy enough to take a piece of clay (though doing it without deforming it might be an issue). And if you want to modify that clay and put it back, or add a different piece of clay, the main problem is how you'll reattach it seamlessly; not just because it may look cosmetically bad if it isn't attached well, but also because the whole pot could crack if the piece isn't reattached properly. So if you fail the pot either crashes or spits out glitchy nonsense at you. And right now the tools that we have only really fail at reinserting the files in these scenarios.

To be specific, the way the game handles textures for 3D models is different from how it handles 2D textures elsewhere, and the image repacking tools we have right now can produce workable output for the latter, but not the former (in either case the repacked file is bloated in size, but it is still able to function and display accurately in 2D use-cases).

Resolute Rebellion - a rewrite mod for Danganronpa V3

Prologue now available for download!

It's finally here! Resolute Rebellion, the mod that...

swaps all Ultimate talents

makes Maki the protagonist

kills the Monokubs harder

has original writing and CGs

was a huge pain to wrangle assets for (do you know how many Shuichi sprites I had to turn into Maki. you don't)

will murder different beloved characters (in future updates)

will allow Rantaro to not die in Chapter 1 (again, in future updates)

...can now be on your very own computer at no cost (except the cost of V3 the game. you need to own V3 first)!

Oh yeah, hi by the way. I've been gone for a while. Maybe I'll share what I've been up to later

[getvalentined]

Anon asks are off again, thanks.

This is giving me flashbacks to that time someone demanded I put a "flat chest trigger warning" on photos of myself and then called me transphobic when I refused.

The character in question uses she/her pronouns in-game, and while you can obviously headcanon whatever you want, I literally gushed in the tags on the post this person is referring to about how delighted I was to see an adult female character with my body type.

This hits particularly hard because I've had people use they/them pronouns for me repeatedly, refusing to change when corrected; one person, a mod in a discord server who kept changing my pronouns role from she/her to they/them, literally responded to me correcting them with "I've seen what you look like, you're not fooling anyone."

I once had a "friend" suggest I identify myself as a trans woman on tinder so that other women would be "more forgiving of how [I] look." We're not friends anymore, obviously, because what the fuck. There is so much unabashed fuckery to unpack there I'm not even going to try.

Further context: I'm cisgender, androgynous, and have body dysmorphic disorder that is very focused on my lack of physical femininity. At one time I got a new psych who stripped the BDD diagnosis from my file because "BDD only applies when the physical flaw the patient obsesses over isn't real." Just...for perspective on what I look like. I don't share many pictures of myself for a reason.

Headcanon characters however you want, use whatever pronouns you want, but if you think that an androgynous person can't identify as a woman, you are not as gender inclusive as you think. (That's actually super mega TERFy and you should probably rethink whatever metric you're using to define a woman.)

Also, maybe don't correct people for using canon pronouns.

"She/hers don't look like that!" What the fuck is wrong with you.

[dragonprincequotesimadeup]

Question and answers from the Offical Q&A's in The Dragon Prince Discord Server: Series Questions

Q: "How many seasons are there going to be of the dragon prince? It is a really good story.”

AE: The Dragon Prince saga = seven seasons!

Q: “I wanted to know if this season of the dragon prince was more like ground work to set up other seasons?”

JR: Season 4 does pull forward many of the plotlines and questions from the first three seasons, but it also lays new ground that Seasons 5, 6, and 7 are being built upon. After the Battle of the Storm Spire, the world of Xadia has had some large changes! Humans and elves are having more contact with one another, in some cases even living in the same city or getting married. That doesn’t wipe out all those years of war and mistrust, so there is much to unpack for our gang, as well as Xadia at large. Book Four: Earth is about both playing out where we were headed as well as pointing the story in new directions for the future.

AE: Season 4 = Earth = “ground work” haha

Q: "Why calling the Season "Mystery of Aavaros" instead of "Where is Aavaros?" or - will we see a lot more of him in he next season? Biggest disappointment of the whole season, that the most interesting character had not even 5 minutes of screen time (and you know, the fans want him!). Especially after advertising so much with him."

SJ: “Mystery of Aaravos” isn’t the name of Season 4! Instead, it’s the name of the larger story we’ll be telling over the course of Seasons 4, 5, 6, and 7. This means two things: One, you’ll continue to see the “Mystery of Aaravos” logo and subtitle used for future seasons. And, two, you definitely haven’t seen the last of Aaravos. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to not only properly discover what exactly is so mysterious about the Midnight Star, but also enjoy a lot more screen time with your favorite Startouch elf. (With that said: Can we all just agree those five minutes were absolutely murderous? His verbal smackdown, heretofore known as the Aara-roast, was just [claudia emoji].)

Q: "Love the new season but now i can’t wait [for] it to continue. Is Season 5 in [the] works already?”

SJ: We’re so glad to hear that you enjoyed Season 4 of The Dragon Prince! (And, like you, we can’t wait to dig deeper into the “Mystery of Aaravos” and for you to see how that story unravels.) To answer your question, though: Yes! Seasons 5 is currently in development—as are Seasons 6 and 7. We’ve been working on this set of seasons for some time now, which means the gap between Season 4 and Season 5 will be much shorter than the gap between Season 3 and Season 4. In fact, we’re looking to release Season 5 later next year!

Q: "Honest question, which of the writers had the obsession with fart jokes this season, and why was an entire scene dedicated to Terry’s farts intercut with the scene of Viren having a panic attack? Many viewers including myself felt those jokes were in rather poor taste, especially with previous statements of the series supposedly being more mature in terms of tone and story elements”

AE: So, first, I will offer a learning, and then an explanation. First, the learning: I think we went too far with fart jokes this season! To be clear, we have done jokes like this in the past, but Episode 402 (“Fallen Stars”) had too many too close. I think that threw a segment of our audience and made them feel the show was too young. In retrospect, I would have gotten rid of some and toned some down. But, second, an explanation: The exchanges between Claudia and Terry in front of Viren were sort of MEANT to be awkward and cringe. Claudia is trying to show off her new boyfriend, and how great their relationship is—and she's excitedly sharing lots of inside jokes with her dad because of how proud she is, also because she's just happy to have him back. Like the fact that they call their high fives a “high four-and-a-half,” and then asks: “Isn’t that hilarious?” "The petrichor exchange was supposed to be an example of Claudia oversharing, so it was supposed to be wildly inappropriate, which it was, and make Viren uncomfortable, which is did. But, explanation aside, our goal was never to make our fans uncomfortable. I think we missed the mark in this case because obviously there's been a strong reaction. So, lesson learned. We're keeping an eye on things for future seasons and will pull back anywhere we think goes too far again.

Q: "will the following seasons have a more mature tone? while s4 definitely had its dark moments the overall tone of the season didn't feel any more mature than before, and arguably quite the opposite more often than not (many moments which i personally think should've been handled more seriously ended up with jokes inbetween). i wonder if this will be the case for the remaining seasons or if there will be a "full commitment" to darker stuff at some point. like maybe by the end of the series?"

AE: We see now how, for some people, some of this season’s jokes may seem to contradict the more mature tone of the story, and we own that. But the truth is there is always going to be a balance. The show will go deeper and darker with each new season, but there will always be humor as well. Certainly, we don’t want that humor to step on or overshadow emotional moments, and we are as mindful of that as we can be (and will be even more mindful moving forward)… but sometimes Soren, being Soren, is going to say something silly during a deep moment and that’s just who he is! In addition to tackling more serious subjects, that’s also what The Dragon Prince is. And that playfulness isn’t going to change or go away, no matter how high the stakes may get.

Q: "the lack of subtitles for amaya’s sign language is intentional? i know gren does the interpretation most of the time, but there are several scenes (especially during seasons 2-3) in which amaya is alone. it’s a way to make a statement about the general public not knowing sign language?"

SJ: We wanted all of Amaya’s scenes to feel very intimate, but also authentic for the audience who may or may not know ASL, so we made an intentional choice to not subtitle her lines unless a translator (like Gren) was present.

[vivithefolle]

Right, so, recently, I had a freak-out over the Romione Discord which wasn’t exactly private but also kind of was at the same time...? Short story is, someone said something that upset me and I went into full-blown histrionics and refused to back down and continued to spiral out of both anger, pride and pettiness - I was an actual cunt.

I’m not going to come up with excuses for why I was upset. We all have stuff that upset us every day and most people manage to go through it without being total assholes about it.

Right. So, this was the acknowledgement that I’m an asshole. Henceforth, I’ll proceed to be an asshole. This is a personal blog, this is my space on the Internet. So I’m allowed to be a self-centred entitled bitch on it.

I joined the Romione server to share my idea of Romione, see if maybe I could convince a few people to write it another way.

Because truth be told I’m tired of the way it’s written. There’s definitely been some progress, sure, it isn’t all “lololol Ron is a dumb-dumb good thing Hermione likes him, right?? :)))” but there’s still so much that bothers me.

What right do I have to complain about this? None, I know. Why don’t I hit the back button if the stories are so frustrating to read? Because I don’t like to let a task unfinished, to the point that I can (and actually have) fail to sleep properly if I didn’t reply to some comment my brain deemed I had to answer to.

I just want to read stories that actually address what fucked-up things Hermione did and have her swear to never do them again - I just want somefuckingbody else to understand that what she did wasn't okay. That when she attacks Ron physically, yes, it’s “because she’s a jealous teenager”, but that in itself shouldn’t be enough. Teenagers absolutely do crazy shit, and they don’t need to be jealous for it. Teenagers play stupid games in which they risk their own lives because they believe themselves invincible.

People will readily believe that Ron won’t ever improve to the point that a basher once told me “oh but Ron hit Malfoy when he was 11 so he clearly has the markings of someone violent”. Somehow that logic is never applied to Hermione. Why does Hermione get the benefit of the doubt? Why does Hermione get the “hey she was a teenager don’t be mean to her :(” but Ron somehow doesn’t warrant this in the eyes of the fandom at large?

Yes, Hermione was a teenager. Yes, teenagers do crazy shit. But that doesn’t make what she did ok. That doesn’t excuse what she did, that shouldn’t be brushed aside like it never happened. Let’s be better than Rowling. Let’s do better than fucking Rowling and her outdated, sexist ideas.

I guess part of it is that I can see a lot of myself in Hermione. The way I behaved on the Romione server? Like, trying to prove myself right above all else, so focused on my own “mission” that I forgot I was talking to actual people? That’s Lavender’s bunny, that’s “it’s the morning of Dumbledore’s funeral and you must be very upset Harry but I just wanted to tell you I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG THE BOOK YOU LIKED SO MUCH WAS EVIL HOW BOUT THAT”, that’s very Hermione of me.

... and yet, people will rightly call me out over them. People will criticize me for it. I will hate myself for it once the fog clears and I’ve stopped being a humongous dick.

But Hermione will get “she was a teenager :o” and poof! it’s all well and forgotten. Like the moment you turn 20 the “teenager” switch in your brain switches on OFF and you’re suddenly a mature reasonable adult that NEVER would do such CHILDISH THINGS ever again. Don’t we all know better by now? Don’t we just... know it’s not like this, and that there’s stuff you have to unpack, and that it actually does take effort to unpack that stuff? Can we just recognize that it... does take effort? That it can’t be waved off with a “oh she’ll stop someday :)” like it’s something... “normal” kids do? It’s not. It shouldn’t be.

I don’t even know why I’m so angry over this except maybe... so I should’ve been just completely apeshit as a teen, is that what you’re saying? Gosh, I wasted all my formative years trying to be “mature” like the adults were so quick to say I was, instead I should just have fucking ran around hitting those who pissed me off because you know, I’d have a get-out-of-jail-free card in my being a teenager!

People will tell me “but we know Hermione is not perfect!!”, but... do we really? Do we?

I’ve used the “haha silly Ron” trope in my little one-shot Young love, Old love. But I wrote it to subvert the usual “ANGRY CAVEMAN RON GOES RAAH WHEN HIS PRECIOUS ROSIE DATES SCORPIUS GRRR” trope. Counteracting one trope with another. I wanted to present a twist on the tired old cliché in like 80% of Scorose stories. And even though it rode on a “haha silly Ron” premise, I did my best to turn it around into a “aww Ron” story. Meanwhile, the story I wrote with a “Hermione is confident she’s right but turns out she was grossly mistaken” premise, Conjecture, has once been accused of Hermione-bashing. Just so we know how deep the rabbit hole goes...

I’m constantly thinking of ways to subvert popular tropes of the Romione fandom. Because I want better. I want the fandom to be better. I don’t want “she was a teenager :)” anymore. Because, yes, I’ve been a teenager, thank you, and as a teenager, I can guarantee you I didn’t have an army of fangirls and fanboys ready to defend me at any cost against the slightest bit of criticism. I had to deal with the criticism alone, like we all do. I had to make excuses for myself, like we all do. I had to confront the fact that I’m an asshole. Like we all hopefully do. And rinse and repeat, every time my anger and righteous indignation gets the better of me.

Because when Hermione’s traits get praised as “mature”... the over-the-top diligence and despair at not completing an assignment on time? That’s not maturity, that’s never maturity. That’s a one-way ticket to intensive therapy in ten years when you’re supposed to be a functioning adult, but have been told all your life you were “mature” and so didn’t need those silly things like having friends, knowing how to socialize and how to talk to people like you’re not lording over them! I was already as mature as an adult, so the adults told me, so I had that adulting thing in the bag! And then I didn’t.

I guess I’m selfish. “Why her, and why not me? Why does she get praised and I’m criticized while we’re doing the exact same things?” And it’s funny, really, it’s so funny in a despicably ironic way because I’ve been in this exact situation before. Their coldness and haughtiness was maturity, my upset and pain were a sign that I just wasn’t mature enough to handle their wisdom. When I say I’ve been Hermione and I’ve been Ron, I’m not kidding. But unlike theirs, my story doesn’t end on a well-earned happy marriage after all the shit they went through. I’m fractured, torn between the self-righteous Hermione and the convenient punching-bag Ron. And through always arguing against the self-righteous, always arguing in favour of the convenient punching-bag, I’m learning to advocate for myself... that’s what my therapist says, at least.

Yes, I want stories that cater to my specific tastes that aren’t all written by me. When I see yet another “Ron comforts Hermione” story I can’t help but sigh. Like, yeah, we know Ron is hella supportive and adorable and we love him for that, but when is it “Hermione comforts Ron, and not in a weird infantilizing way or not by saying ‘I’m right, of course I am, I’m always right :)’“ because I read fiction to escape my shitty reality, not to be reminded of it? When you look at all those Romione stories that have Ron go “I’m sorry Hermione I’m sorry Hermione I’m sorry Hermione” while Hermione will do “oh, maybe I did cross a line here I suppose”... I mean, sure it’s consistent with their characters, but it sure doesn’t help when everyone sings you the praises of that story like they’ve got the little baby Jesus on their knee meanwhile you feel like there’s a problem with Ron gaslighting himself while Hermione gets off scot-free as usual.

Yeah, all that to say... I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because I don’t find what I’m looking for. Because some things about the way these characters are being written rub me the wrong way, dare I say trigger me, because of exactly how personal those characters are for me. Because I perceive an injustice, a fundamental injustice, in the way Ron always has the worst assumed of him except when it’s time to make him Hermione’s wonderful perfect sex toy, while Hermione always gets the best assumed of her and when she doesn’t it’s all ok because “she’s a teenager :)”. It’s... this weird complacency, this feeling of normalcy about something that shouldn’t be considered normal.

Yes, I’m advocating for fictional characters. Yes, it’s pointless. Yes, it’s useless. Yes, it’s a losing battle; there’s one of me VS the entire conception and perception of these characters in the whole of goddamn pop culture.

Yes, it’s entitled. Yes, it’s selfish. Yes, it’s stupid.

But that’s me. Overly attached, wanting better. Getting upset. A fool full of sound and fury and who has no idea how to actually use it.

Just... needed to let some stuff out.