#there is so much sense i cant i cant im going crazy

[losver07]

was working on my wip and realised this scene is so wolfstar coded so ummm here ya go (sorry in advance for the awful translation lol)

also this is veeery long so i'm putting most of it under the cut

tw: mention of death, harsh(ish) lenguage

★

"Then came the ambulance and the police,” he murmurs, his eyes fixed somewhere in the room, mind showing him once again the image of Sirius' tired smile. "They gave me a blanket. I felt stupid in it."

John, observing him with deep eyes, full of compassion, nods. Remus figures he can't show it, the pity. That it's part of his job not being able to say Oh, you poor thing and that, instead, he must be professional. And it's not that John is bad at it, at hiding what he thinks; it's just the eyes.

It's impossible to lie with one's eyes. Sirius' always shine, even if he insists on wearing the blackest clothes.

Shined. Not anymore. And he doesn't dress in black anymore, it's Remus who has to mourn now, instead of him. And for him.

"How are you feeling?" the psychologist asks, and Remus makes an effort not to cry.

"I don't know," he answers, honest. He doesn't know what words to use. "Bad."

Not enough. John gestures at him to keep talking, to elaborate. He always does that. It's cruel.

Remus looks down at a ring he takes off his finger, and proceeds to watch it turn in his hands as he fidgets with it. It was Sirius'. Everything he owns was either his or reminds him of him in some way. Even the smallest of things, the silliest of details.

If only he could get rid of it all. If only he knew that'd make him forget.

"It's like I don't really believe this is real,” he says, without lifting his gaze from the steel ring. It's carved in a checkered pattern, a chess board that extends and hugs the owner's finger like a ribbon. It's not excessively visible but, if you brush your finger against the metal, you can feel the shapes against your skin, kissing your fingertips like he once did. That feels like so long ago, though. “I... I'm sad, obviously, but also angry. I think it was selfish of him."

Before it had been his, Sirius', the ring had belonged to Regulus. It had been silver then. Sirius turned it into steel when he'd received it from his brother, who got it from their father, whose father had gifted him it, and so on. It must be hundreds of years old.

"Selfish?"

He'll probably ask to be buried with it. If it's not worn on his left hand, it will be trapped on a chain around his neck.

"Yeah, I dunno," he shrugs. He doesn't know how to explain himself. He knows how he feels, he just finds it difficult to believe that anyone could understand it. He tries anyway. "He's gone and he's left us all here as if we didn't have enough problems of our own," he says. "Like, now I have to be myself, which is already tough enough, and also be him for James and Peter and Harry and... Oh, God, Harry..." He shuts his eyes. He needs to breathe. He closes his hand over the ring, and looks at John. "But I need him too. And I don't have him. I don't have anyone to treat me like he did. So, I don't know."

The therapist nods again. When he started the sessions, Remus thought it was weird that John didn't take any notes, like in the movies. It might sound stupid, but he imagined someone constantly writing on a notepad, making a record of every word that came out of his mouth.

It turns out John only uses his notebook to write dates and appointments down; that he actually listens to what he says, instead of analysing every sentence as if it were a mathematical problem.

He's been lucky, and he knows it. At least in this, he's been lucky.

"Do you feel responsible for what happened?" He asks, and Remus thinks about it for a second. Now that the unease has lessened, he's left with just the cold on the tip of his nose and the metal on his fingers. He misses hugging Sirius on cold days like this one.

"Yes," he answers. No point in lying.

John stares at him. Elaborate, he's probably thinking. He always looks at him like that when he wants to make Remus talk.

"I'm the one who was supposed to take care of him," he says then. "And, instead of that, what I did was use him to make him help me with my shit. And even after he's gone I'm still whining about him not being here to give me cuddles. I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who's being selfish.

The psychologist, whose diploma is Remus now observing, makes a face.

"Wanting love is not selfish, Remus," he says, so soft and kind it almost makes Remus feel small, vulnerable and about to break. Or already broken.

"But taking the love away from someone and keeping it to yourself is," he objects.

"You think that's what you did? Taking the love from him?"

"I don't know," he says, and before John can ask him to explain, he continues: "I think maybe if I'd made things right he'd still be here."

The air is still for a few seconds, both in the room and in the street across the window, as well as inside of Remus' lungs, who holds his breath in an attempt to make the ache on his chest go away. It doesn't work.

"It wasn't your fault that he suffered," Josh tells him, but he's been told so many lies he doesn't need to think to detect the lie.

"But it was that he didn’t stop suffering," he tells Mr Too Good For Taking Notes. He should've had that noted. "I should've done something. It's what I'd to have done."

John, wanting to understand but being apparently incapable of it, furrows his brows a bit. The expressions only last a second, and is not even that exaggerated, but Remus sees it anyway. The doubt.

"You think it was your purpose?" He asks. He acts interested. Sometimes he almost even makes Remus forget that he's paid for what he does. That he wouldn't be there if it weren't for the money. That he's got better things to do than...

"Helping him?" Remus asks, trying not to sound too aggressive, but probably failing. "Yes."

"And do you think you were, say, destined to save him?"

"Yes," he agrees. A bit cheesy his personal taste, but, yes, that's what he believes. Why lie, if he's not going to write it down, even.

"But, if it was destiny, how could you have avoided it?"

That feels like a boot to the stomach. He doesn't quite know wether it confuses him or it makes him angry but, either way, he doesn't know what to answer. Perhaps not having thought of it earlier is what irritates him and puts him, once again, in front of a mirror in which a disappointment shines.

He thinks for a bit. Then speaks.

"Trying harder," he says. "Being better."

"No, Remus; is not about trying," his confidant tells him, with a smile that could either indicate complicity or compassion. "You did all that you could, and more. And, still, you couldn't change it, nor can you now."

For some reason, that hurts. Rather, it stings. Both in his open wounds and his sore eyes.

"And what do I do?" He asks. His voice doesn't seem to want to know the answer, as it doesn't cooperate in making itself heard. He swallows and takes a deep breath, letting Sirius' ring slide back into his finger, where it should always have stayed.

"Think about what you did achieve," John offers, so careful it seems almost meticulous. "You made him happy for a time, you gave him peace. You made him feel safe, too. Confident. You helped each other. That's good."

"But he's dead," Remus says. He's not sure he's used that word since it happened. It's not likely, seeing how much it hurts pronouncing it. He's spent over a month circling around and avoiding one of those damned words, the ones that feel like mines in an already ruined field. He presses his lips and looks at John, cheeks wet with rivers of salty water. "That's bad."

"Yes," the therapist agrees. "That is bad."

[noihavenosanitythanksforasking]

i cannot express how much i adore the dinner scene in 1x01. i think about it constantly. theres so much covert queercoding for mike that it literally drives me crazy.

the fact that just a bit before this we have the scene with joyce and hop where they imply that they are scared that will has been a victim of a gay hate crime. and throughout the season its implied over and over and no one really seems to give a shit. not even lucas and dustin. they care about will DEEPLY ofc but the fact that most ppl are expecting him to be dead and killed bc hes gay doesnt seem to bother them? the scene where troy is bullshitting about will in the gym they both just stand there, they dont make any move to stop him or call him out. no one does (this isnt me calling lucas and dustin bad ppl or not allys or wtv but u get the point).

mike however does give a shit. he gives QUITE A FEW shits.

in the dinner scene mike is clearly distressed about his friend. which is a perfectly heterosexual thing to do. in general. however hes not straight so its gay when he does it. ANYWAYS. he is clearly distressed about it but his entire family is completely unconcerned. nancy is preoccupied and doesnt give a shit. hollys a baby. ted is well ted. and karen. i need to talk about karen for a sec.

karen ADRESSES that she thinks something bad happened to will by telling nancy she cant go to barbs house until will is found. however she acts very dismissive of wills situation in general. im sure she was worried for him but she does it (or at least expresses it) is a very passive way. she is not focused on will being missing or what may have happened to him, just the fact that something bad happened in general to a person in hawkins.

the fact is, besides mike, karen is the only one worried at all. and shes not even close to matching mikes energy in the slightest.

when mike mentions steve, the conversation is totally derailed from will. as if it wasnt an important conversation in the first place.

nancy storms off. and ted. oh ted you son of a bitch. ted says the classic

"you see what happens"

line. and what a line it is. due to all of the references prior to this and the fact that most ppl believe that somehting bad happened to will. its not hard to see that ted is once again referring to will being hate crimed.

you see what happens when youre gay? bad things happen to you. and then everyone you care about is just inconvenienced. theyre lives are disrupted.

karen glances at ted, clearly understanding what he means. and mike does too.

"what happens when what"

hes not asking. hes angry. and you can just see the exasperation on mikes face the whole scene

why is it not weird for will to go missing. why is no one surprised that something mad happened to him. why is no one else frantic to get him back. why is no one else worried about will. why is it considered normal for this to happen. why arent ppl upset like he is. just bc ppl think will is gay? that makes it all make sense? bullshit.

mike storms downstairs and calls lucas. when trying to convince him to come look for will his argument is the fact that will took a risk to help the party when he could have protected himself. but he didnt.

mike knows what ppl think happened to will. if he just thought will was lost or something looking for him wouldnt be a risk. it would just be an opportunity to find him. but he calls it a risk. will sacrificed something to protect the party (mike) when he could have saved himself from all that suffering. but he didnt. and now mike will do the same for him.

[goldengrecha]

Let's talk about Maxie and Archie.

They're live in my brain rent free right now. I can't.

I can't stop thinking about how they're just.. Almost like created for each other. It's incredible. And it's makes my head ache so hard but like slash pos.

I love them. I love how they're the trope about Red Dude and Blue Dude, but at the same time 1) in manga it's the classic: the red one is more chaotic, while blue one is calm and collected, but 2) then there is oras. And now it's red dude is being collected and cool (but he is such a dork sometimes! Look at him! He is on a verge of breakdown) and blue one being emotional and lively

I love how oras just walks in and makes THEM. That's the one of rare pokemon games when the choose of your game version is actually MAKES DIFFERENCE more than just some exclusively pokemon and etc. You play Omega Ruby, and you're being like, woah, Maxie, dude, what the fuck. Dude what the fuck. And here is Archie, who first to realize their final goals are bullshit, and tries to stop Maxie from the fatal error. But then, out of curiosity, you're playing Alpha Sapphire. And it's slaps differently. Now, everything is opposite. And you're sitting here like woah almost entire plot is DIFFERENT. Like, okay, the «bones» of the plot is the same - but «meat», the insides of plot is different. It tastes different. It vibes different.

I love how oras makes them rethink everything. Oras makes them realize that their both positions are correct - just like everything in the Hoenn lives in harmony and balance, their positions can live together, and only in balance between them lies truth.

I think it's hits hard, because Hoenn is the region of duality and balance - different pokemon that makes duos, you're exploring water deeps just like you're walking on ground, even the double battles are first encountered in Hoenn. And then you have two seperate evil teams, and they're represents different things that IS IN Hoenn in balance. Of course it will hit hard when their leaders realizes that their conflict was silly and ridiculous. Of course it will hit hard when they're, two different men, will come to understand that everything here is living in harmony, and they're not exception.

It's hits hard already in Omega Ruby - this gentle feeling, the «coexistence», the «I suppose you may be right», after all that time they spend in conflict between each other. Perfect. (Maxie is just being a bit of tsundere lol)

But I think it hits even harder in Alpha Sapphire.

Because in Alpha Sapphire, Archie just straight forwardly agrees with Maxie - and i think it's something really beautiful. As if it is the point where they're finally ends their conflict and accept each other as they are.

Fucking perfect. Perfect.

(I'm also absolutely in love with this small bits of them calling each other by their names. I feel so much warmth and gentleness in these «Archie.. » and «Maxie..»)

And then there is manga. God fucking DAMN IT here is manga.

I love how they're interacting in the beginning - evil teams, different goals, etc etc.

But then something happens.

And this is the beginning of the end.

They're cooperate for a moment.

It's so fucking funny in retrospective - imagine best person in your life it's the man, which was your enemy once? It's so fucking funny. They're cooperate for moment - and then it hits them both. They're work perfectly together.

«We joined forces once, and we were successful»

It's an important quote for them in manga, I'm sure of it. It's important thing which will hit different once we will be in oras part of manga. It's an important thing for them, because it's the moment, when them, two enemies, realize, that they're work so fucking perfectly together.

And then, in ORAS, here is the moment when this quote hits again - again, it was perfect and good for them, when they're worked together. Again, their cooperation makes best results for both of them.

(Also, can we talk about how in ORAS manga they're talking to each other as if they're was partners all their lifes? As if they're best friends for all of their lifes? As if they're old married couple??? God fucking damn it. Holy shit.)

(And how in «that» world two of them became one? How them, the villains of arc and region which are build up on balance, duality and coexistence, fusion in one thing, while the beginning they was opposing each other? Isn't it funny? Isnt it fucking slaps reader's mind? Holy fucking shit.)

But manga doesn't calm down.

I don't have words for it.

Remember all these pieces with «join forces»? Here. It's the moment when it hits harder than anything anything else.

Imagine dying, and asking this. And it's even worse with that Archie doesn't even finish his sentence - but Maxie understand him without it. And OF COURSE he is going to agree. Because how he can not, when their bond became so strong? How Maxie can say «no» to this question, after everything?

It hits so hard. It hits so hard. They're get through such a chaotic path of life, and now, dying, they're both agree on one thing - that if they're will alive again some day, they need to work together again. They want to work together again.

It's such a beautiful thing. It's so different from the first join forces quote. It's just so... Wow. It's such a funny thing that the duo of enemies in the end becames the most powerful duo with such deep connection to each other. As if it was meant to be this way from the beginning. They're so fucking loving. They're funny. They're sad. They're so.. I don't know. Gentle? Caring? I don't have WORDS for these two. Holy shit

That's so fucking much going on for just «some villains for that GBA game with colorful pets lol»

[lovesickeros]

lord its so dark in here the sahara desert of tsaritsa content you are like a shining oasis. your characterisation of her compels me & mihoyo would be hard pressed to top it imo.!! caaaaan i humbly request yr thoughts on her first meeting w a reader of any kind, or maybe even multiple kinds (sagau, sagau god au, isekai, etc) if you so desire...

it really is like a desert here. being the fan of a character we aren't getting until the last damn nation is driving me up a wall but i will persevere bc if nothing else i support morally bankrupt women in media. we r in a severe drought over here but i do my best. unfortunately nothing i say is ever coherent so pull out your translation notes its abt 2 be messy

also this got out of hand but thats bc first meetings w the tsaritsa are tricky to write + a LOT of her characterization lies in deeper exploration then just surface level yknow...NOT A DIG AT YOU this is just my excuse for rambling. gently pats the tsaritsa she can hold so much complexity i do not have the word count to delve into it completely :]

gonna talk cult au for a bit here though because that's 99% of my content. and honestly? she thrives in sub au's of the cult au like villain au + imposter au. it's basically made for her. i mean, early days, the imposter au had been going around for a little while but one of the first few ideas was the Fatui taking reader in so like. it kinda technically actually was. pretty sure cult au Tsaritsa popped up because of the imposter au. a lot of it's writers kinda left though which. man am i getting old or.

anyway.

there isn't much of a chance her first impression is all that positive. at best it's usually neutral, imo, but rarely if ever positive. specifically because i view the Tsaritsa as someone who isn't as fanatical as most of the acolytes typically are towards the creator. she's not exactly going to worship the ground you walk on unlike a certain geo lizard. which is partially why i think she thrives in the sub au's i mentioned.

imposter au, for example. she meets you at your lowest. there's no gaudy extravagance or pampering from the acolytes waiting for you because your own acolytes have turned on you. for all intents and purposes you aren't a "god" at all. which is why i don't think she meshes well with normal cult au reader. the Fatui are made up of outcasts, basically, and imposter au slots right in just perfectly. you're weak, at your lowest, when you meet the Fatui in the imposter au. and the Fatui can help you, too.

a mutual exchange, really. the Tsaritsa sees a tool she can use to one up the rest of the nations and especially Archons, and she has no qualms about you using her and the Fatui in turn. you both want something out of it, after all. whether you just want to be safe from the rest of the acolytes, or you want revenge, or whatever else..she'll give you the power to fulfill it, and she gains the strongest piece on the chessboard when all is said and done.

the best way i can describe the first meeting is "practical", i suppose. she sees an opportunity in you. the ultimate gamble. because if she "saves" you, and you dont trust anyone else because they tried to kill you, well..she holds all the cards, doesn't she?

but the Tsaritsa, imo, is just as capable of being just as fanatical towards you as anyone else. she just won't worship you as the creator. but as yourself? clawing your way back to your divine power and taking back what belongs to you? the Tsaritsa is, to me, a character who's character flourishes in long-term fics more because she changes a LOT between "just met reader" and after having been with reader for some time. she's practically apathetic at the beginning but a lot of her character, in my characterization, shines through LONG after the first meeting.

[slutdge]

somehow while ive been going through the unbearable torment nexus ive still been able to keep up with my album-a-day-for-a-year thing so far

[b0mblover]

Greed makes me sick. 

By: J

Woo fucking hoo, gotta love projection! (this was 100% self indulgent, idk how well it actually works with jiro but! Oh fucking well! At least im getting smth done ig) 

Cw; Selfharm, Suicide Ideation, Jiro generally being unhealthy, awful writing

Once again; sorry for your eyes, goodluck

Jiro laid in his bed, glancing at the clock on his phone every so often, around 21:34. Mindlessly scrolling through some of his friends' accounts, he never wanted to admit it, but he does in a way enjoy ‘stalking’ his friends, “friends” being mostly of people he's never met or talked to a day in his life, but that's never really mattered to him. 

Usually it's just to catch up on everything, ‘oh they finally got married’ etc. boring stuff, but why the hell not. 

But other times like today, it made him want to throw up. He was happy for them, sure, but there was a disgusting jealousy spreading throughout his chest, traveling down his esophagus, down to his stomach, and setting there. He’s felt it before, the first few times it happened, he thought he literally had to throw up, resulting in him essentially purging to get the feeling out; it didn't ever work. He gave up on trying, it usually went away on its own, just how long would it take was the question. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. It was all a possibility. The longer he felt it, the worse it became. He’d liked to say that it started off slowly, but it never did. Usually the first thing he jumped to was ‘I'll never be like them, no matter how hard I try, so what's the point in living?’ He wished he could say it was irrational, but it just wasn't. He knew due to one reason or another, he couldn't be like them, no matter how hard he tried, no matter for how long he never gave up. He would always fail. He wished he could also say that he had no desires, that would be a lie too. Seeing people do what you've wanted to do for years of your life, that you never came close to doing, so easily, it hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It. Hurt. and he wished he could say it didn't. He wished something so very mundane didn't hurt. He hated jealousy, he hated greed, perhaps that's why it hurt so much more. Because he was a hypocrite. It's not like he wished that they weren't able to do that, he just wanted to be able to do it too.  

Jealousy, is an odd word. People always assume that if you are jealous- that you wish ill on whoever you’re jealous of. But that couldn't be further from what he felt. Sometimes, it was tiring to constantly work and work for something others have so easily, that you'll never get. Why does life deal such shitty hands to people who care? Or is it the other way? Shitty hands in life make you care? Either way, it still made him sick.  

Somedays, he got off easy, he knew it's not their fault, sometimes motivated by a ‘you'll get there someday, you just have to keep trying’. Days like this though, that wasn't the case. Trying is pointless, not that he just feels like it, but it is. No amount of trying or wishing will ever work. Shitty hand remember? So if he couldn't do what he wanted, what was the point in living? Maybe he was crazy, fucking insane even, no one talks about this sort of thing, there's probably a reason, right?  

He sat up on his mattress, took a look at his phone, then tossed it across the room. He would’ve thrown it, but he didn't see a point in breaking the phone or wall if he was angry. He wasn't even angry either, just like there was a hole in his chest where his heart should be, and that hole was filled with bile.  

He looked down and stared at his hands, disgusting. Failure. He was a failure. He had good grades, sure, but it really didn't mean anything. Grades are just numbers, and numbers that didn't matter to him. If When he gets older, he's probably not going to be sitting on his deathbed thinking about how he got a 100% on a math quiz. But this?  

He stood up and walked over to his ‘desk’, clean for 4 months at the simple request of a friend. It's not like she’d know or find out if he did it. Well, unless he couldn't keep his mouth shut as usual. Even if she did find out, would she care? Would she even remember what was said? Ha. Maybe she’d tell him how pathetic he was, unable to go past a small styro, he is really pathetic, so it’d be fitting.  

Even if she somehow did ‘care’ as much as she said, wouldn't it be tiresome? That was one of the main reasons he stopped in the first place, taking care of people, even if you love them can be tiresome. So she was bound to get tired and bored of it. She’d probably grow to not care, part of him wanted that.  

He admittedly fantasizes thinks about what would've happened if he hadn't stopped, more than he should. 

Maybe she’d grow annoyed of his break/melt downs, maybe she'd make fun of him instead, he couldn't really blame her either way. Part of him wanted her to grow bored of him, but the other selfish part, hated the idea. Even now, he considered reaching out “You don't have to suffer alone, I’m always here, you’ll never annoy me.” but..  

He appreciated it, but it probably wasn't meant for something like this. What was the point? It wasn't like he was gonna kill himself, no matter how badly he wanted to. Sure, it wasn't a necessarily ‘healthy’ coping mechanism, but. It's not like he could do much damage anyways right? This was just like scratching himself when he was pissed off, not healthy, but what could anyone do? It didn't really hurt, so what would be the point in taking it away?  

Without caring enough to think it through, he picked up the blade, and sliced through the mid of his forearm. It stung. More than usual, but who even cares. He spun his chair around, then sat down. He brought the blade to his arm again- he really was pathetic, wasn't he? Slice- even if someone for some reason cared- slice- it's not like they should, he was pathetic and needy- slice- maybe some people in this world are supposed to die? Or suffer at least- slice- but, he didn't really want anyone else to suffer. If he met someone just as himself, would he hate them too? Or would he take pity? Slice- He smiled. His arm felt weak. Hand shaky. No one was coming to save him. No one knew of what he’d done. No matter what, he’s always alone. He deserved it.  

He stared at his arm for a few minutes, the deepest he’s ever cut, after not even 5 minutes, it looks pathetic again. God he's stupid. What if she somehow does find out? She wouldn't outwardly say how pathetic he is, she wasn't that type of person. She’d probably show some sort of concern. Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK. She’ll probably show some sort of care, attention. He didn't want that. Great. Now it looks like he did it all just for attention! Fucking wonderful.  

He glanced at his phone that had been lazily thrown on the floor, part wishing someone messaged, anyone, but dreading having to respond. No matter how much he loved them, responding right after this thing, he always seemed off, too off. 

He took a breath, trying to collect what little of himself was left. He should get something to drink. Yeah, that’ll probably make him feel at least a bit more level-headed.  

But there again, he is a waste of space, failure, etc. he’s heard most of the names by now mostly from himself but that didn't matter, does he really deserve something as simple as drinking? Even basic things do cost money, even if just a few cents. Why waste it on himself? But his throat is so dry still,,  

He walked out of his bedroom, hitting his face on the door, forgetting it was very muchly locked, precaution. He wanted to lash out, take every bit of anger out on it but then…. Nothing. Numbness. He didn't even have a good reason to feel angry. It was his fault anyways. He took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and walked out.  

Walking to the kitchen, slower than usual, he started to wonder again with how he was going to hide his awful wonderful misdeed. Makeup worked.. Well honestly for him it worked awfully. Nothing ever seemed to match in all lighting, plus that was only really an option for scars, tactile cuts didn't really improve much when paired with a powder or creme (?? sorry idk), plus it could run the risk of infection. Right? He's never seen anything warning against it so maybe not? But putting something that has chemicals like that into a cut, it didn't seem correct. Considering what minuscule things could cause infection. Not that he'd mind getting infected and slowly, painfully dying. He just didn't like the look generally.  

What could he do then? Wear a jacket like normal, sure, but she always finds out somehow. Gods know how, not him, but somehow. He could bandage it sure, but that ran the risk of even more questions, it wasn't exactly news that he didn't care about proper ‘aftercare’ like that. Sure, not properly covering it, cleaning the blade etc. could cause infection, but.. Well. He didn't have any excuses, he was just biased in some ungodly way that he never noticed right until that very moment! (Large cough. H e l p.) 

Grabbing a random cup, he decided to just tough it out like usual. Try to not show his arm in any setting but not be weird about it, try to act normaler than usual, sure it’ll suck, but it's between that and in his mind, ‘looking like an attention seeker’. He poured out what wasn't even 1/4th of a cup of water into the cup. His throat was just dry, it's not like he'd die from dehydration any time soon. Sure, he's human, doesn't that mean he just needs the absolute minimal amount of care? Hell, this couldn't even be considered minimal! He has a roof over his head, water, food, there's so much more he could go without, gods he's selfish huh? He sat down his empty glass beside the sink, very quietly laughing under his breath, pathetic, wasn’t it? He’s so selfish, he has it well, yet he acts like he has nothing! What more could he ask for in life? Stability? What a joke. He should really be more grateful. 

He stared at the glass glass beside him, staring into his distorted reflection. Well, at least there was always a way to fix it all. In the back of his mind, he was always running though, listing off methods, quickest, easiest, cheapest, messiest, etc. No matter how hard he tried, he’d never figured out the ‘perfect suicide’ in his own eyes. 

Though, recently, a method stuck his eye. Nitrogen gas. He’d heard it takes one out quickly, but makes them struggle and suffer beforehand. Perfect for himself. No time to back out because of how quickly it takes you, pain before death, he’d never wanted a peaceful one. It was near perfect. But one of the main issues was managing to get any. Or get around any in general. (little did Jiro know; he was only a few letters off from his actual suicide; that being Nitroglycerin!)  

But, he doubted it was realistic, for reasons already stated, so he was stuck with whatever other incredibly fucked method he inevitably decides on. It's not like he probably will anytime soon either, no matter how much he wants to. He walked back to his room, flopping down as soon as he was close enough for at least his face to hit the mattress. Thud totally comfortable.  

He stood up once again, actually closing his door this time. Then sitting on the bed properly, right, shit, his phone. No, no one probably texted, they're all busy. What can only be described as a mantra he mentally spoke, trying his best to not get his hopes up and what left of his heart shattered, even if he was always deep-down hoping, begging for any sort of message.  

He walked around to the far wall, and picked up his phone, quickly turning it around, anticipation and tension always left more room for disappointment. He seen the messaging app icon and- no one. A stupid update reminder. He’d rather’ve seen absolutely nothing than that. But whatever, they're busy, she's busy. He reminded himself, trying to subside the constant idea that they all fucking loath him for everything that he's ever done. But it's probably true though right? Of course it is. They all hate him. No matter how close, they all do. He’ll never change, will he? Why even bother at this point, he loved talking to them all sure, but why do they bother to talk to him? Pity? Perhaps. A disgusting feeling crept back up into his stomach and esophagus, it unknowingly had disappeared some minutes ago. Not like it mattered now. He tossed his phone to the side of his bed, on the ground, not bothering to charge it. It's not like anyone will message anyways. He's an idiot, everytime, everyday, why does he still feel such anticipation anyways? The answer didn't matter. He was tired. He didn't want to sleep, he hadn't gotten anything done, hell he was bored. But he had no energy to do anything. Just because of some stupid post. Sensitive. Weak. Pathetic. Why was he even still here? He's just dead weight to everyone he meets. What is the point. 

He laid there, he didn't know for how long, it didn't matter, he heard a door shut, they're back. He couldn't talk to them or face them like this. No. He’ll fake sleeping, maybe he’ll fall asleep in the process, that'd be nice, or if he never woke up, both seem ideal to him. 

He laid on his stomach, right arm obscuring his face, left in a weak fist. It was a default ‘I swear I'm asleep’ pose, shockingly comfortable too!  

Staring at the back of his eyelids, repeating bright colours and vague shapes started appearing, in a way it always felt a bit soothing, it was always there for him.  

Even when he wasn't there for himself. 

[caspersscareschool]

.

[sk3l3t0n444]

i feel like everybody hates me, but especially those who i look up to...i feel like a little kid again...looking up to those who only look down upon me, instead of picking me up and embracing me.

[allergic-to-four-leaf-clovers]

BED!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

[homophyte]

okay this has been bugging me for a few days so im outsourcing to tumblr to see if anyone here has talked about it/is talking about it even though the book is a few years old. is there a consensus on morgan from bernardine evaristo’s girl woman other? ive been reading it for a class and it just screamed borderline transphobic character written by a well meaning cis author who has “concerns”. idk is there some 5d chess im missing? am i reading it too literally? whats the deal with it

[laikinz]

if you say i swear to god its probaly cause youre lying: no i say it cause its an expression of speech these people are really funnt and make no sense imagine someone learning this from these freaks videos and then they apply that to people in their own lives... god bless

[lowestechelonabomination]

@spixi @fulminare-art

obligatory "reblog for sample size please" aaand Post.

[fugglecases]

multiple mid-80s days in april…

[zemnarihah]

I keep getting scheduled outside my availability and I've been messaging the scheduling manager abt it for the past like week and she hasn't even READ one of my messages since the first one

[ceruleanvermillion]

hes so funny

I’m tired of people acting like Zhongli is a serious and chill guy who would never cause problems on purpose as if he isn’t one of the biggest menaces out of the Seven. He used to throw mountains at Venti for annoying him. He, the god of history, starts fights among historians for shits and giggles. He tried to gaslight the Traveler into thinking he was totally not at the Chasm guys really Aether/Lumine you must be seeing things maybe you should go see Baizhu. When Qiqi wanted “Cocogoat” milk he was like “Oh yeah sure totally let’s go look for it” knowing damn well it was a wild goose chase. He made the Traveler sing to a flower and then was like “Oh would you look at that” when a Whooperflower jumped out to maul them. I love him. He’s like a cat pushing things off the counter to see how people react. I would pay to see him interact directly with Neuvillette because I know for a fact he’d get on that man’s nerves and argue about water tasting just to feel something. Furina used freedom from godhood to take a nap and Zhongli used it to give psychic damage to anyone who talks to him longer than 5 minutes. Iconic.

[suiana]

omg guys!!! i've been thinking about it but like yandere! jirai kei bf >>___<<

he wears pretty clothes and has all these super cool fashion stuff! he has a really cute sense of fashion and is an absolute pretty boy!!! bro is actually loaded with money too and loves to buy you cute plushies so u and him can match :3

unfortunately he's also a bit crazy!

YOU: haha bae ur so funny im gonna go sleep now

mentalhospitalpatient#69: ok babe good night ❤️

5 minutes later

mentalhospitalpatient#69: baby how could u not invite me to sleep with you? r u cheating on me? do u want me to die? u know how much u mean to me i cant believe this im going to breaki into ur house and explode

yeah hes an absolute landmine. u remember there was one time where u didn't say u loved him and he went batshit ballistic CRAZY

YOU: lol ok see u later

mentalhospitalpatient#69: yay >w< see u later bby!! i love u!!

seen at 14:23

mentalhospitalpatient#69: okay i see how it is u dont love me anymore is that it? u hate me? i knew u never liked me i shouldve just gone the kidnapping route n made u mine that way ud never lose feelings for me. the normal route was too risky i cant believe that i actually thought things would work out for once but

YOU: what the fuck vro

YOU: i love u now chill damn

mentalhospitalpatient#69: okay❤️ yay❤️

mentalhospitalpatient#69: actually no why did u speak to me in that tone i knew u hated me im going to burn your house down

you can't believe ur dating someone like him. you know that he overthinks a lot and is... unhealthily attached to you but seriously?? he can't go 5 minutes without a fraction of your time and it's actually making you crazy.

if it weren't for that monstrous dick and his pretty face you probably would have shoved him into the mental hospital.

actually he'd just break out.

"wtf what r u doing here bro u should be in the mental hospital???"

"yeah i broke out because i missed you <3"

...you swear one of these days he's actually gonna act on his words. and when that day comes you'll probably explode and die. stupid boyfriend. you're gonna throw him into the ocean.