#there is so much sense i cant i cant im going crazy
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Let's talk about Maxie and Archie.
They're live in my brain rent free right now. I can't.
I can't stop thinking about how they're just.. Almost like created for each other. It's incredible. And it's makes my head ache so hard but like slash pos.
I love them. I love how they're the trope about Red Dude and Blue Dude, but at the same time 1) in manga it's the classic: the red one is more chaotic, while blue one is calm and collected, but 2) then there is oras. And now it's red dude is being collected and cool (but he is such a dork sometimes! Look at him! He is on a verge of breakdown) and blue one being emotional and lively
I love how oras just walks in and makes THEM. That's the one of rare pokemon games when the choose of your game version is actually MAKES DIFFERENCE more than just some exclusively pokemon and etc. You play Omega Ruby, and you're being like, woah, Maxie, dude, what the fuck. Dude what the fuck. And here is Archie, who first to realize their final goals are bullshit, and tries to stop Maxie from the fatal error. But then, out of curiosity, you're playing Alpha Sapphire. And it's slaps differently. Now, everything is opposite. And you're sitting here like woah almost entire plot is DIFFERENT. Like, okay, the «bones» of the plot is the same - but «meat», the insides of plot is different. It tastes different. It vibes different.
I love how oras makes them rethink everything. Oras makes them realize that their both positions are correct - just like everything in the Hoenn lives in harmony and balance, their positions can live together, and only in balance between them lies truth.
I think it's hits hard, because Hoenn is the region of duality and balance - different pokemon that makes duos, you're exploring water deeps just like you're walking on ground, even the double battles are first encountered in Hoenn. And then you have two seperate evil teams, and they're represents different things that IS IN Hoenn in balance. Of course it will hit hard when their leaders realizes that their conflict was silly and ridiculous. Of course it will hit hard when they're, two different men, will come to understand that everything here is living in harmony, and they're not exception.
It's hits hard already in Omega Ruby - this gentle feeling, the «coexistence», the «I suppose you may be right», after all that time they spend in conflict between each other. Perfect. (Maxie is just being a bit of tsundere lol)
But I think it hits even harder in Alpha Sapphire.
Because in Alpha Sapphire, Archie just straight forwardly agrees with Maxie - and i think it's something really beautiful. As if it is the point where they're finally ends their conflict and accept each other as they are.
Fucking perfect. Perfect.
(I'm also absolutely in love with this small bits of them calling each other by their names. I feel so much warmth and gentleness in these «Archie.. » and «Maxie..»)
And then there is manga. God fucking DAMN IT here is manga.
I love how they're interacting in the beginning - evil teams, different goals, etc etc.
But then something happens.
And this is the beginning of the end.
They're cooperate for a moment.
It's so fucking funny in retrospective - imagine best person in your life it's the man, which was your enemy once? It's so fucking funny. They're cooperate for moment - and then it hits them both. They're work perfectly together.
«We joined forces once, and we were successful»
It's an important quote for them in manga, I'm sure of it. It's important thing which will hit different once we will be in oras part of manga. It's an important thing for them, because it's the moment, when them, two enemies, realize, that they're work so fucking perfectly together.
And then, in ORAS, here is the moment when this quote hits again - again, it was perfect and good for them, when they're worked together. Again, their cooperation makes best results for both of them.
(Also, can we talk about how in ORAS manga they're talking to each other as if they're was partners all their lifes? As if they're best friends for all of their lifes? As if they're old married couple??? God fucking damn it. Holy shit.)
(And how in «that» world two of them became one? How them, the villains of arc and region which are build up on balance, duality and coexistence, fusion in one thing, while the beginning they was opposing each other? Isn't it funny? Isnt it fucking slaps reader's mind? Holy fucking shit.)
But manga doesn't calm down.
I don't have words for it.
Remember all these pieces with «join forces»? Here. It's the moment when it hits harder than anything anything else.
Imagine dying, and asking this. And it's even worse with that Archie doesn't even finish his sentence - but Maxie understand him without it. And OF COURSE he is going to agree. Because how he can not, when their bond became so strong? How Maxie can say «no» to this question, after everything?
It hits so hard. It hits so hard. They're get through such a chaotic path of life, and now, dying, they're both agree on one thing - that if they're will alive again some day, they need to work together again. They want to work together again.
It's such a beautiful thing. It's so different from the first join forces quote. It's just so... Wow. It's such a funny thing that the duo of enemies in the end becames the most powerful duo with such deep connection to each other. As if it was meant to be this way from the beginning. They're so fucking loving. They're funny. They're sad. They're so.. I don't know. Gentle? Caring? I don't have WORDS for these two. Holy shit
That's so fucking much going on for just «some villains for that GBA game with colorful pets lol»
#pokemon oras#pokemon#hardenshipping#IM FUCKING DYING#I cant. i cant. i feel so much.#im just wanted to talk about two men being gay#manga destroyed me#you said you love me bit archie asked maxie if they would be alive would he join forces again and maxie said yes#they're invented love#there is so much sense i cant i cant im going crazy
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Frank! fantasy flavor!
rambles:
i really wanted to blend that monk-class inspiration w/ Frank's personal vibe... i like to think that i Succeeded!
i turned his tie into a sort of brooch since, yk. bowties aren't all that Fantastical. they miss the style. also i think they'd be more comfortable with something smaller since he's very active and needs a wide range of maneuverability
i bet Eddie or someone wheedled them into adding the leather shoulder pauldrons - leather to keep it a bit more flexy, and also. it just looks Cool!
figuring out what would replace his vest was tough. i didn't want them to be entirely unprotected, but i couldn't give him straight armor. though i will admit! a sort of tight-fitting crop top was Considered! but i landed on a gambeson vest as the best fit - comfortable, flexible, a Vest, while providing some level of protection! also, gambesons are quilted, which fits Frank's diamond-checkered vest!
ive already mentioned that one of my favorite outfit things is Flowy Pants Tucked Into Boots, so... that choice wasn't very character driven. except the boots are a tall ankle wrap - for that extra stability and strength! their shoes are pretty flexible and are only a few steps away from being slippers.
and the half-skirt - open skirt? - thing (still don't know what its called) is purely some self indulgence. i think Frank looks great in skirts!! also imagining him Throwing Down w/ the added flair of the skirt... damn. it'd probably help confuse enemies too - what're they gonna do next? who knows! the skirt is in the way and adding extra Movement!
i like to think that his knife is either in a sheath attached to the back of the belt, or they have it on their thigh (under the skirt) like Wally's bag. he probably never uses it... punching is the way to go for Frank methinks. it's probably reserved for cutting ropes and fruit
speaking of punching.... wrist wraps! inspired by boxing gauze! pads his knuckles, keeps his wrist compressed, its the best choice for physical combat. though the wrapped knuckles probably always have blood showing through anyway... or no yeah it's mostly other people's blood...
as for scars - Frank probably has quite the collection! i imagine that they've been picking fights since a young age, and in such a dangerous world he probably got hit a Lot until they learned how to hit back. and hit back Well. still, i wanted to give him a cool face scar with a very lame backstory - a book with a crisp, sharp spine corner fell off a high shelf and bonked them in the face at juuuust the right angle <3 he probably stays very fucking quiet about it which makes everyone think there's some intense traumatic backstory behind it. there isn't. Frank's just embarrassed.
closing note: i imagine that Frank has zero magic. literally none. cannot wield it for shit cannot utilize it. he's just like Howdy fr
#im Very happy with this outfit ngl#they probably know a bunch of different fighting styles...#and then stitches them all together into a Frankenstyle#get it? frankenstein's monster + frank + style - yeah yeah i know im hilarious#he probably stresses everyone tf out with how gung-ho they are in a fight Without Much Protection#like yeah gambesons can cushion blows and depending on the quality can lessen or even stop arrows / stabs#but frank's is a Vest. yeah it covers his vital organ area but like. their face? arms? legs? its free target practice#everytime eddie sees frank throw himself at an enemy w/ magic or Much Bigger Than Frank#he has about 100 heart attacks#catch him sprinting to cover's franks ass. they need it#frank Will look at someone way above his pay grade and go 'yeah i can take em'#(and that's why they consistently end up under poppy's healing wing)#julie unfortunately is on the same bullshit as frank#so if frank takes on someone he cant handle - so will she. without blinking!#though when she (or anyone else) tries it that's when frank goes 'are you crazy?! dont fight them they'll kill you'#frank has common sense when it comes to other people <3 not themself <3#scribble salad#wh fantasy au#ah yes and the tiny knife... the glorified cheese knife...#even sally has a nice dagger and she's got some Powerful magic on her side#meanwhile frank is bringing fists to a gunfight smh#tryin ta think of a backstory for him for this au...#im thinking... he was either an orphan or his parents straight up Ditched him as a kid...#and he was taken in by a... fuck im missing the word. monastery? or something?#whatever it was it was run by somewhat spiritual people that raised & trained highly skilled/disciplined fighters#with the intent of 'you will fight for good blah blah blah'#maybe frank would sneak out and thats how he met julie? and he taught her some combat skills maybe...#& then he wound up running away w/ her or somethn#or he completed his training and went out to be a Soldier For Good but wound up following his own path & moral compass... idk
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lord its so dark in here the sahara desert of tsaritsa content you are like a shining oasis. your characterisation of her compels me & mihoyo would be hard pressed to top it imo.!! caaaaan i humbly request yr thoughts on her first meeting w a reader of any kind, or maybe even multiple kinds (sagau, sagau god au, isekai, etc) if you so desire...
it really is like a desert here. being the fan of a character we aren't getting until the last damn nation is driving me up a wall but i will persevere bc if nothing else i support morally bankrupt women in media. we r in a severe drought over here but i do my best. unfortunately nothing i say is ever coherent so pull out your translation notes its abt 2 be messy
also this got out of hand but thats bc first meetings w the tsaritsa are tricky to write + a LOT of her characterization lies in deeper exploration then just surface level yknow...NOT A DIG AT YOU this is just my excuse for rambling. gently pats the tsaritsa she can hold so much complexity i do not have the word count to delve into it completely :]
gonna talk cult au for a bit here though because that's 99% of my content. and honestly? she thrives in sub au's of the cult au like villain au + imposter au. it's basically made for her. i mean, early days, the imposter au had been going around for a little while but one of the first few ideas was the Fatui taking reader in so like. it kinda technically actually was. pretty sure cult au Tsaritsa popped up because of the imposter au. a lot of it's writers kinda left though which. man am i getting old or.
anyway.
there isn't much of a chance her first impression is all that positive. at best it's usually neutral, imo, but rarely if ever positive. specifically because i view the Tsaritsa as someone who isn't as fanatical as most of the acolytes typically are towards the creator. she's not exactly going to worship the ground you walk on unlike a certain geo lizard. which is partially why i think she thrives in the sub au's i mentioned.
imposter au, for example. she meets you at your lowest. there's no gaudy extravagance or pampering from the acolytes waiting for you because your own acolytes have turned on you. for all intents and purposes you aren't a "god" at all. which is why i don't think she meshes well with normal cult au reader. the Fatui are made up of outcasts, basically, and imposter au slots right in just perfectly. you're weak, at your lowest, when you meet the Fatui in the imposter au. and the Fatui can help you, too.
a mutual exchange, really. the Tsaritsa sees a tool she can use to one up the rest of the nations and especially Archons, and she has no qualms about you using her and the Fatui in turn. you both want something out of it, after all. whether you just want to be safe from the rest of the acolytes, or you want revenge, or whatever else..she'll give you the power to fulfill it, and she gains the strongest piece on the chessboard when all is said and done.
the best way i can describe the first meeting is "practical", i suppose. she sees an opportunity in you. the ultimate gamble. because if she "saves" you, and you dont trust anyone else because they tried to kill you, well..she holds all the cards, doesn't she?
but the Tsaritsa, imo, is just as capable of being just as fanatical towards you as anyone else. she just won't worship you as the creator. but as yourself? clawing your way back to your divine power and taking back what belongs to you? the Tsaritsa is, to me, a character who's character flourishes in long-term fics more because she changes a LOT between "just met reader" and after having been with reader for some time. she's practically apathetic at the beginning but a lot of her character, in my characterization, shines through LONG after the first meeting.
#asks#Anonymous#sagau#tsaritsa#like. am i explaining this coherently?? first meetings r GOOD and i could go on a tangent of like. first meetings w zl and make it work#but first meetings w the tsaritsa is like. you just cooked a 5 course meal. took one bite. called it a day.#so much of my characterization lies in the “after” of the first meeting#because her first meetings are generally the same. she's apathetic at best!! she does not gaf abt the creator in the SLIGHTEST#but show that you are more then the creator? that you do not cling to the title like a shield? that you do not rely on it?#youve got the worst person youve ever known ready to kill a man for you.#tsaritsa is very like. EXTREMELY hard to earn the trust of but when you do she will kill someone for you no hesitation no question#which is why she works SO WELL in villain au and imposter au!!!!!!!!!#esp if theres a fake “creator” calling you the imposter. she hates their ass and was .5 seconds from dethroning them anyway#you just made it 10x easier#also cant do just first meetings bc i am incapable of not shoving themes of love into every fic w her SORRY#tsaritsa going on a full multiple month long mental breakdown bc she is not in love with you but she would destroy everything for u..#(shes in denial)#tsaritsa and complex themes of love and what it means for the god of love to be incapable of feeling it + what it means when reader shows u#LIKE UGHHHHHH okay. i guess ill write another tsaritsa fic and put it in my vault#aka my drafts#i hold so many fics hostage there its crazy#this answered like 0 of ur questions sorry i see tsaritsa and black out and this happens#i just think first meetings dont let her character really come thru but my response got out of hand so uhhhhh everyone look away. please#putting tape over my mouth now so i shut up before this gets worse#basically tsaritsa gravitates more towards outcast reader rather then one who has already become accustomed to the adoration of the acolyte#does that make sense........#i havent slept in forever and im running on nothing but spite and dreams atp dont expect coherency when it comes 2 the tsaritsa from me#head in hands someone please stop me i keep rambling abt the tsaritsa it makes me go NUTS#lays down. explodes
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haikaveh... save me haikaveh...
i KNOW it's been talked about to death but. the haikaveh research project. it literally haunts my mind. i cannot get over the implications. alhaitham going through his school life as someone that most people dont even really know about because he keeps to himself and doesn't socialize, with kaveh being the one exception to that, finding his way into his life as his Best Friend, and then leading to alhaithams one and only time he participated in a research topic. his bio says he only ever did ONE joint project!!! one!!! the one with kaveh his best friend and i think also his only friend at the time!!!! and then it ended in not only the project falling apart but also alhaithams only friendship. kavehs best friendship. they were each others closest person. they had no family around - alhaithams parents having died when he was young and his grandmother dying before he joined the akademiya, and kaveh's dad dying when he was young and his mom having moved to fontaine. like even if you dont look at it through a romantic lens it's still undeniable how important they were [and are] to each other..........
i'm getting off track but my point is very specifically for alhaitham, the one time he got close to someone, made a friend, even agreed to join one(1) group project ever, it ended in disaster. it led him into a fight so bad that his one and only friend said he regretted that friendship!!!! it was so bad alhaitham left the project and he and kaveh didnt speak for ages until they just happened to run into each other again at the tavern!!!!! like obviously it has to be incredibly awful for both of them but i just think how this probably had alhaitham in the cynical mindset that friendships and collaborations like that might just never work out for him because the one time he let someone into his life, it blew up on him and he was all alone again. even though alhaitham never seems to care much if people dont like him, that clearly cant still apply to someone he was exceptionally close to. like if he didnt care he woudlnt have been the one to take his name off the project and mutually not speak to kaveh...... kavehs words are the ones that hit the most significantly to alhaitham.......... kaveh is said/implied to have had at least some other friends while at school / people knew who he was, but not so much alhaitham. people didnt know him and the ones that did just knew he didnt socialize/he was not easy to get along with. he only had kaveh and then, for a while, he lost him too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#the number of times i have reread alhaitham character story 4 and kaveh character story 5. like. dont look at me. kfjsdklfh#on one hand im tempted to think alhaitham would have a fully cynical view of friendship#and be like USELESS NEVER AMOUNTS TO ANYTHING but. i kinda dont think he works like that#well i dont think he would think that either way now but#even in times of friendship breaking up w/kaveh like#alhaitham is very FACTS AND LOGIC and i feel like he would still like#idk. understand the objective value of human companionship. whether or not he feels it works for him#HOWEVER. jkdlhfsd he is also the one who in his other lore bits was like 'grandmother the other children are boring at school'#AT AGE SEVEN god he was probably such an unintentionally funny child. i love u alhaitham u are so neurodivergently coded#so idk i feel like he would have a period where hes like okay. i was alone before and clearly that was the right call bc my 1 friend is gon#even if he does well alone i cant even imagine like. kaveh mustve been a huge impact and difference in alhaithams life#humans need SOME level of socialization!! and kaveh was his.... aughhh god they literally also read as having a bad breakup!!!!!#queer coded TO ME!!!!!! friends to rivals/friends to lovers to enemies to it's complicated..................#but again even if u dont think of it in a romantic sense like it's still so much. they were and are so significant to each other.#their bond is so complex and oughghdhgh they make me go bonkers#i do not think of any other 2 genshin characters so intensely as i do them .what have they done to me. what the fuck.#im alone in my stupid little genshin pit endlessly babbling about these motherfuckers!!!!!!!#and i love them. also i like that one scene in i think cynos 2nd character quest where al and kav r in the library or w/e#and kavehs like wtf no way u dont small talk w/coworkers. and alhaithams like no i just happen 2 hear people but i do not engage#hes so real he likes to eavesdrop but he does NOT want to get involved!!!!!!!!!!!!#also that same scene where kaveh goes 'WTF looking thru these will take FOREVER!!!!' alhaitham: 'ill manage'#kaveh: >:( FINE ILL HELP YOU!!!! like ok he did not ask. silly.#and alhaitham teasing him right after all that. 'teach me to pretend u werent listening' '...' '...' '...' '...HEY STOP IGNORING ME' 'see.'#theyre so goofy. kaveh u walked right into that one. ily.#i love when i talk about characters and it's literally just me going 'wow remember when character x said this. remember when he did that.'#i just love repeating scenes and dialogue and lore over and over and over and offering nothing new to say about it JKFLDSHKLFH#sorry i love them SO much and im bad at drawing and bad at fanfic so i just have to ramble in text posts forever#i do have. a fanfic outlined for them. i am just scared to write it#nothing crazy deep or whatever but yknow. im in a bit of a Funk Right Now dont worry about it#i need a constant stream of alhaitham and kaveh content constantly injected directly into my brain.
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somehow while ive been going through the unbearable torment nexus ive still been able to keep up with my album-a-day-for-a-year thing so far
#like yeah brother i wish i was dead right now but im not. somehow i havent killed myself so i keep checking out albums#but i dont wanna undermine that im in unbearable pain rn lmao#my therapist said that wasnt good for me to pretend#im very much still in a torturous life and i feel helpless cause i dont think i can ever escape#but at least ive had the motivation to keep up one thing yknow#or im just crazy and psychotic and this made no sense whatever im going back to my suffering hibernation now#at the very least being honest cant hurt even if it doesnt help all that much but im really at the lowest ive ever been my dudes#ive never been lower than this#im failing at all the aspirations of a healthy person but at least im keeping up on the album thing#i know that maybe doesnt seem significant to other people#but when the only thing i can do when i get off work so i dont die of starvation is get in bed#but i still make an effort to hold myself to this commitment#thats at least a tiny bit of light im trying to put in my life no matter how hard i just wanna lay down and die all the time
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#i have to say this somewhere or im gonna go crazy#so at a preschool. you HAVE to have one adult sitting at every table when kids are eating. and you also need a person in the hall#for kids getting their lunchboxes and going to the bathroom and shit ok. are you with me here. this makes sense#so today. my 2 coworkers had already taken the chairs bc i got caught up in the hall but i was so fucking hungry that i just ate standing u#which was fine. like i could just put my lunch down if someone needed my help and i Did that ok it was fine. no one was left alone#but later at SNACKTIME. it took me forever to get these 2 kids in the room and seated ready to eat & by the time i got in some kids were#already finished and ready to go to the playroom. so i was like ok i guess I'm not eating for the latter half of the day because they cant#be left alone. and my 2 coworkers at this point were sitting with the snackers and they looked fine so i looked after the Players#intermittently glancing to the snack tables to make sure everyone was fine mind you#So what happened here was.#There was a 20 second interval between the time i glanced up to see 2 adults at the snack table. And the time i glanced up to see#a completely unsupervised snack table. one kid STANDING UP ON THE TABLE blowing raspberries and pointing at the other kids#could not have been more than 20 or 30 seconds that i wasn't looking and NO ONE TOLD ME they were leaving the room#if i had been WARNED that they were leaving i would have prioritized the snackers and sat with them so no one choked and no one fucking#stood on the table#but they both just left for whatever reason without saying anything#and when i brought it up after school they were just like. well marty you were eating too much during lunch#next time you should eat before coming in to work so you can give the kids your full attention#??????? i already skipped a meal today for that exact reason?? how is it my fault that i don't want to starve?#am i actually in the wrong here because it's driving me FUCKING nuts. that was NOT a safe situation and it obviously can NOT happen again#but the issue was a lapse in communication not me wanting to eat food so i don't actually die#and those were two different times of day so they're not even relevant#obviously there are bigger issues in the world than this but i feel like throwing up over it. this was not my fault#I'm sorry that you guys can survive off of like 1 spoonful of granola and a single acai berry for the entire day but im not built like that
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i feel like everybody hates me, but especially those who i look up to...i feel like a little kid again...looking up to those who only look down upon me, instead of picking me up and embracing me.
#i just feel like nobody fucking likes me...like everybody secretly hates me and are actively trying to make me feel bad about myself#like i know that probably isnt true...but its the only thing that make sense#like no matter what i do everybody seems to leave me alone in my own little bubble...#everybody has their little groups with their little friends...but i dont...im the one who is a small member of multiple groups...#and that gets me left in the fucking dust#i just want to belong somewhere...i change and adapt to hopefully become a part of some group but it never works#i just want someone to hold me and tell me itll be ok...and that people dont actually hate me...#ykw if you fucking hate me you can tell me anons are on...i just wanna know im not the crazy one here...#im just trying to fit it so much that ive lost myself...who am i and who is what ive become?#i try and be friendly...and hope that i get accepted somewhere but they never really care...#im like the last kitten left in the cardboard box...all the others were cuter and healthier and now nobody wants me#nobody wanted me from the start...and now im all alone#idfk#i would do anything for a hug rn#since january shit has been going downhill...died...moved...gone...and then i had some people who cared and then it all fell apart again...#i just want to belong somewhere ffs...i want to be able to have friends...not just people who tolerate me...#i would rather have one friend that 10 people who tolerate me#idfk...im going to go eat ice cream until i cant feel any emotions anymore...#if i wasnt a pussy i would be stealing my parents alcohol...they already dont like when i eat...#or maybe i shouldnt eat...then maybe someone would love me...idfk...i just want to feel loved and secure and like i fucking belong
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BED!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
#also I FOUND MY WEIGHTED BLANKET!!!!! IT'S UNDER MY DUVET BUT YK#also yhe pride flag will be repositioned dont worry#going on a bit of a ramble rn but like. ive just found a couple things that have been hiding under the drawers of my old bed#for example i found a cool bandana i thought i lost for like. a year. and now im obsessed with it so prepare to see that maybe#and i also found a snood i had that still fits me even though i even wore it in first school#and the crazy thing is that i dont remember#anything of first school#the only thing i have are school books from yr 4 and that snood#along witg like. old pictures of me#then again they look absolutely nothing like me. like. blonde with really long hair?? nu uh not me (not anymore at least)#i dont remember much of anything now that i think about it#i dont remember what i did last year#i cant even remember what year i came out as trans#i cant remember when i joined tumblr#and when i first made rayan or foster or zuriel or ailean or even the day i made ruaridh#perhaps its my shit sense of time but i have such a horrible memory that first school may have never happened if it werent for the fuzzy and#few things i actually. remembered. though i doubt i remember them correctly#idk if its anything that Happened™ that blocked out my memory or something. i know a certain thing may have since it kinda scarred me (ig??#idk i dont wanna sound overdramatic) but. you know im just a silly guy with a silly memory#anyway sorry for that vent lmao
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okay this has been bugging me for a few days so im outsourcing to tumblr to see if anyone here has talked about it/is talking about it even though the book is a few years old. is there a consensus on morgan from bernardine evaristo’s girl woman other? ive been reading it for a class and it just screamed borderline transphobic character written by a well meaning cis author who has “concerns”. idk is there some 5d chess im missing? am i reading it too literally? whats the deal with it
#myposts#text of kin#girl woman other#doesnt rlly help that like no reviews ive seen really talk about it in depth beyond 'oh yeah and trans rep'#i wanna know whats going on there.#and like dont get me wrong the book is fine--very liberal and kinda annoying for that--but fine#just....i think it generally has the sense its doing things better than it is#the abusive relationship in dominiques chapter...fuckin. everything about yazz??#i struggle to see some of these stories as groundbreaking when theyre like playing into highly established shit in order to do so yk#the same w morgans chapter imo. really had to go to 'ive always hated pink and dolls!'#rather than. anything else#i guess it stands out the MOST with morgan just bc its so off base and so typical and so typically borderline transphobic that i can#immediately see and roll my eyes at it--same w dominiques chapter ig#just seems like....ticking off boxes on 'the right way' to do certain portrayals and then posing the most boring questions imaginable#about them so when i see such effusive praise for it i go kinda ???? like am I wrong??? maybe im crazy and it is done well#idk i suspect its so highly praised because its so liberal-friendly which is exactly why its so boring to me#i dont hate it. its fine. but like....just fine. i cant muster much enthusiasm#and what the FUCK. with morgan! thats my ultimate question here whats the deal whats the consensus
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if you say i swear to god its probaly cause youre lying: no i say it cause its an expression of speech these people are really funnt and make no sense imagine someone learning this from these freaks videos and then they apply that to people in their own lives... god bless
#like these things they point out as deceptions are so fucking minuscule it makes me think if you blink wrong that means youre a monster and#a liar#especially in a interrogation scenario is that not automatically going to skew things..#not even accounting for the fact these people already know the outcome of these cases like theyve already been declared guilty in a court..#so theyre going to use that to their own perceptions. it doesnt make any sense to me#if you do xyz youre a evil person if you dont do xyz youre crazy#i cant stand these types of analyses. and theyre lauded as like great psychological entertainment.. youre insane#and they get millions of views it doesnt even matter which random man with no fucking clue what hes talking about puts out these people#eat it up#oh and its 'educational'.. lmao ok...just because the random expert you claim to be talking to doesnt mean that any of this is educational#and then when direct connections to people with mental disabilities or addiction issues or psychiatric problems are brought up people in#comments will be like omg you are so considerate and careful with these issues<3 im so happy you mention not everyone with x and x thing#are evil people<3 when its literally built into the very analyses that theyre doing.#god can you tell i hate these body language interogation analysis videos so much#OR if theyre like this can indicate theyre telling the truth and it usually does BUT in this case...it could obviously be that shes lying
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@spixi @fulminare-art
obligatory "reblog for sample size please" aaand Post.
#hey i actually had a conversation about this with my good mutual spicy 'jess' spixi-spicygrass a couple weeks ago#actually it was a conversation on what i would do if they died in front of me and whether i would eat pups then#and i said no but that i would try my absolute hardest to bring pups back to life and id succeed but hops would be distinctly Wrong#and not just wrong in a mental sense#theyd look wrong as well. unhealing wounds leaking blood and everything#but it would be worth it#well anyway i wouldnt eat any human body part#whether they were a friend or not and whether its cooked or not#just no to cannibalism under all circumstances#im really picky about the kinds of meat i eat#like i cant eat ribs because they make me think too much about my sisters open heart surgery and that just. makes me lose my appetite#but anyway i wouldnt care if someone else decided to eat an amputated human body part if its consensual#its just none of my business what those friends are up to#oh i should probably tag spicy and fuco in this since they go crazy for these kinds of posts#you guys are so weird (affectionate)
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Greed makes me sick.
By: J
Woo fucking hoo, gotta love projection! (this was 100% self indulgent, idk how well it actually works with jiro but! Oh fucking well! At least im getting smth done ig)
Cw; Selfharm, Suicide Ideation, Jiro generally being unhealthy, awful writing
Once again; sorry for your eyes, goodluck
Jiro laid in his bed, glancing at the clock on his phone every so often, around 21:34. Mindlessly scrolling through some of his friends' accounts, he never wanted to admit it, but he does in a way enjoy ‘stalking’ his friends, “friends” being mostly of people he's never met or talked to a day in his life, but that's never really mattered to him.
Usually it's just to catch up on everything, ‘oh they finally got married’ etc. boring stuff, but why the hell not.
But other times like today, it made him want to throw up. He was happy for them, sure, but there was a disgusting jealousy spreading throughout his chest, traveling down his esophagus, down to his stomach, and setting there. He’s felt it before, the first few times it happened, he thought he literally had to throw up, resulting in him essentially purging to get the feeling out; it didn't ever work. He gave up on trying, it usually went away on its own, just how long would it take was the question. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. It was all a possibility. The longer he felt it, the worse it became. He’d liked to say that it started off slowly, but it never did. Usually the first thing he jumped to was ‘I'll never be like them, no matter how hard I try, so what's the point in living?’ He wished he could say it was irrational, but it just wasn't. He knew due to one reason or another, he couldn't be like them, no matter how hard he tried, no matter for how long he never gave up. He would always fail. He wished he could also say that he had no desires, that would be a lie too. Seeing people do what you've wanted to do for years of your life, that you never came close to doing, so easily, it hurt. It hurt. It hurt. It. Hurt. and he wished he could say it didn't. He wished something so very mundane didn't hurt. He hated jealousy, he hated greed, perhaps that's why it hurt so much more. Because he was a hypocrite. It's not like he wished that they weren't able to do that, he just wanted to be able to do it too.
Jealousy, is an odd word. People always assume that if you are jealous- that you wish ill on whoever you’re jealous of. But that couldn't be further from what he felt. Sometimes, it was tiring to constantly work and work for something others have so easily, that you'll never get. Why does life deal such shitty hands to people who care? Or is it the other way? Shitty hands in life make you care? Either way, it still made him sick.
Somedays, he got off easy, he knew it's not their fault, sometimes motivated by a ‘you'll get there someday, you just have to keep trying’. Days like this though, that wasn't the case. Trying is pointless, not that he just feels like it, but it is. No amount of trying or wishing will ever work. Shitty hand remember? So if he couldn't do what he wanted, what was the point in living? Maybe he was crazy, fucking insane even, no one talks about this sort of thing, there's probably a reason, right?
He sat up on his mattress, took a look at his phone, then tossed it across the room. He would’ve thrown it, but he didn't see a point in breaking the phone or wall if he was angry. He wasn't even angry either, just like there was a hole in his chest where his heart should be, and that hole was filled with bile.
He looked down and stared at his hands, disgusting. Failure. He was a failure. He had good grades, sure, but it really didn't mean anything. Grades are just numbers, and numbers that didn't matter to him. If When he gets older, he's probably not going to be sitting on his deathbed thinking about how he got a 100% on a math quiz. But this?
He stood up and walked over to his ‘desk’, clean for 4 months at the simple request of a friend. It's not like she’d know or find out if he did it. Well, unless he couldn't keep his mouth shut as usual. Even if she did find out, would she care? Would she even remember what was said? Ha. Maybe she’d tell him how pathetic he was, unable to go past a small styro, he is really pathetic, so it’d be fitting.
Even if she somehow did ‘care’ as much as she said, wouldn't it be tiresome? That was one of the main reasons he stopped in the first place, taking care of people, even if you love them can be tiresome. So she was bound to get tired and bored of it. She’d probably grow to not care, part of him wanted that.
He admittedly fantasizes thinks about what would've happened if he hadn't stopped, more than he should.
Maybe she’d grow annoyed of his break/melt downs, maybe she'd make fun of him instead, he couldn't really blame her either way. Part of him wanted her to grow bored of him, but the other selfish part, hated the idea. Even now, he considered reaching out “You don't have to suffer alone, I’m always here, you’ll never annoy me.” but..
He appreciated it, but it probably wasn't meant for something like this. What was the point? It wasn't like he was gonna kill himself, no matter how badly he wanted to. Sure, it wasn't a necessarily ‘healthy’ coping mechanism, but. It's not like he could do much damage anyways right? This was just like scratching himself when he was pissed off, not healthy, but what could anyone do? It didn't really hurt, so what would be the point in taking it away?
Without caring enough to think it through, he picked up the blade, and sliced through the mid of his forearm. It stung. More than usual, but who even cares. He spun his chair around, then sat down. He brought the blade to his arm again- he really was pathetic, wasn't he? Slice- even if someone for some reason cared- slice- it's not like they should, he was pathetic and needy- slice- maybe some people in this world are supposed to die? Or suffer at least- slice- but, he didn't really want anyone else to suffer. If he met someone just as himself, would he hate them too? Or would he take pity? Slice- He smiled. His arm felt weak. Hand shaky. No one was coming to save him. No one knew of what he’d done. No matter what, he’s always alone. He deserved it.
He stared at his arm for a few minutes, the deepest he’s ever cut, after not even 5 minutes, it looks pathetic again. God he's stupid. What if she somehow does find out? She wouldn't outwardly say how pathetic he is, she wasn't that type of person. She’d probably show some sort of concern. Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK. She’ll probably show some sort of care, attention. He didn't want that. Great. Now it looks like he did it all just for attention! Fucking wonderful.
He glanced at his phone that had been lazily thrown on the floor, part wishing someone messaged, anyone, but dreading having to respond. No matter how much he loved them, responding right after this thing, he always seemed off, too off.
He took a breath, trying to collect what little of himself was left. He should get something to drink. Yeah, that’ll probably make him feel at least a bit more level-headed.
But there again, he is a waste of space, failure, etc. he’s heard most of the names by now mostly from himself but that didn't matter, does he really deserve something as simple as drinking? Even basic things do cost money, even if just a few cents. Why waste it on himself? But his throat is so dry still,,
He walked out of his bedroom, hitting his face on the door, forgetting it was very muchly locked, precaution. He wanted to lash out, take every bit of anger out on it but then…. Nothing. Numbness. He didn't even have a good reason to feel angry. It was his fault anyways. He took a deep breath, unlocked the door, and walked out.
Walking to the kitchen, slower than usual, he started to wonder again with how he was going to hide his awful wonderful misdeed. Makeup worked.. Well honestly for him it worked awfully. Nothing ever seemed to match in all lighting, plus that was only really an option for scars, tactile cuts didn't really improve much when paired with a powder or creme (?? sorry idk), plus it could run the risk of infection. Right? He's never seen anything warning against it so maybe not? But putting something that has chemicals like that into a cut, it didn't seem correct. Considering what minuscule things could cause infection. Not that he'd mind getting infected and slowly, painfully dying. He just didn't like the look generally.
What could he do then? Wear a jacket like normal, sure, but she always finds out somehow. Gods know how, not him, but somehow. He could bandage it sure, but that ran the risk of even more questions, it wasn't exactly news that he didn't care about proper ‘aftercare’ like that. Sure, not properly covering it, cleaning the blade etc. could cause infection, but.. Well. He didn't have any excuses, he was just biased in some ungodly way that he never noticed right until that very moment! (Large cough. H e l p.)
Grabbing a random cup, he decided to just tough it out like usual. Try to not show his arm in any setting but not be weird about it, try to act normaler than usual, sure it’ll suck, but it's between that and in his mind, ‘looking like an attention seeker’. He poured out what wasn't even 1/4th of a cup of water into the cup. His throat was just dry, it's not like he'd die from dehydration any time soon. Sure, he's human, doesn't that mean he just needs the absolute minimal amount of care? Hell, this couldn't even be considered minimal! He has a roof over his head, water, food, there's so much more he could go without, gods he's selfish huh? He sat down his empty glass beside the sink, very quietly laughing under his breath, pathetic, wasn’t it? He’s so selfish, he has it well, yet he acts like he has nothing! What more could he ask for in life? Stability? What a joke. He should really be more grateful.
He stared at the glass glass beside him, staring into his distorted reflection. Well, at least there was always a way to fix it all. In the back of his mind, he was always running though, listing off methods, quickest, easiest, cheapest, messiest, etc. No matter how hard he tried, he’d never figured out the ‘perfect suicide’ in his own eyes.
Though, recently, a method stuck his eye. Nitrogen gas. He’d heard it takes one out quickly, but makes them struggle and suffer beforehand. Perfect for himself. No time to back out because of how quickly it takes you, pain before death, he’d never wanted a peaceful one. It was near perfect. But one of the main issues was managing to get any. Or get around any in general. (little did Jiro know; he was only a few letters off from his actual suicide; that being Nitroglycerin!)
But, he doubted it was realistic, for reasons already stated, so he was stuck with whatever other incredibly fucked method he inevitably decides on. It's not like he probably will anytime soon either, no matter how much he wants to. He walked back to his room, flopping down as soon as he was close enough for at least his face to hit the mattress. Thud totally comfortable.
He stood up once again, actually closing his door this time. Then sitting on the bed properly, right, shit, his phone. No, no one probably texted, they're all busy. What can only be described as a mantra he mentally spoke, trying his best to not get his hopes up and what left of his heart shattered, even if he was always deep-down hoping, begging for any sort of message.
He walked around to the far wall, and picked up his phone, quickly turning it around, anticipation and tension always left more room for disappointment. He seen the messaging app icon and- no one. A stupid update reminder. He’d rather’ve seen absolutely nothing than that. But whatever, they're busy, she's busy. He reminded himself, trying to subside the constant idea that they all fucking loath him for everything that he's ever done. But it's probably true though right? Of course it is. They all hate him. No matter how close, they all do. He’ll never change, will he? Why even bother at this point, he loved talking to them all sure, but why do they bother to talk to him? Pity? Perhaps. A disgusting feeling crept back up into his stomach and esophagus, it unknowingly had disappeared some minutes ago. Not like it mattered now. He tossed his phone to the side of his bed, on the ground, not bothering to charge it. It's not like anyone will message anyways. He's an idiot, everytime, everyday, why does he still feel such anticipation anyways? The answer didn't matter. He was tired. He didn't want to sleep, he hadn't gotten anything done, hell he was bored. But he had no energy to do anything. Just because of some stupid post. Sensitive. Weak. Pathetic. Why was he even still here? He's just dead weight to everyone he meets. What is the point.
He laid there, he didn't know for how long, it didn't matter, he heard a door shut, they're back. He couldn't talk to them or face them like this. No. He’ll fake sleeping, maybe he’ll fall asleep in the process, that'd be nice, or if he never woke up, both seem ideal to him.
He laid on his stomach, right arm obscuring his face, left in a weak fist. It was a default ‘I swear I'm asleep’ pose, shockingly comfortable too!
Staring at the back of his eyelids, repeating bright colours and vague shapes started appearing, in a way it always felt a bit soothing, it was always there for him.
Even when he wasn't there for himself.
#'sticks and stones may break my bones; but man razor blades hurt so much more'#j writes badly#no beta we die like jirou#if a lot of this seems vauge. thats the point#youre not going crazy; im just a shit writer who cant figure out how else to translate it into writing!#the nitrogen thing was 100% improv. it was baseed on a convo i had the other day and went “yeah close enough”#if he knows how to make bombs. he probably knows that nitrogen will kill you alot faster right?? thats. common knowledge#i think. (<- didnt know it)#this got me almost yelled at by my mother bc i stayed up later than usual and slept until like 13:30#(which mkaes no sense bc i used to sleep in a lotttt longer than that but oh well ig)#tryna not go off the imaginary rails on here but chat.#chat i want to fucking die.#the urge to kms but the knowledge that you probably wont attempt so you feel like theres no reason in talking abt it to anyone so its awkwa#d and youre just there like “🧍”#yeah idk were i was going with that. man i needa knit real bad. i havent in a few days. crown scarf must be real by next year. stg
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multiple mid-80s days in april…
#its hard not to feel such a wretched sense of doom and misery quite honestly#i dread summer so much it makes me feel crazy when people still think its a time to be outside and enjoying the weather….#84 tomorrow. in april.#summer is slotted to be what ? 15+ 90 degree days#but im assuming its closer to 20 or more 95+ days.#my dog is going to live another 10 years and i cant see all of those being walkable in summer.#fucking sucks.
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hes so funny
I’m tired of people acting like Zhongli is a serious and chill guy who would never cause problems on purpose as if he isn’t one of the biggest menaces out of the Seven. He used to throw mountains at Venti for annoying him. He, the god of history, starts fights among historians for shits and giggles. He tried to gaslight the Traveler into thinking he was totally not at the Chasm guys really Aether/Lumine you must be seeing things maybe you should go see Baizhu. When Qiqi wanted “Cocogoat” milk he was like “Oh yeah sure totally let’s go look for it” knowing damn well it was a wild goose chase. He made the Traveler sing to a flower and then was like “Oh would you look at that” when a Whooperflower jumped out to maul them. I love him. He’s like a cat pushing things off the counter to see how people react. I would pay to see him interact directly with Neuvillette because I know for a fact he’d get on that man’s nerves and argue about water tasting just to feel something. Furina used freedom from godhood to take a nap and Zhongli used it to give psychic damage to anyone who talks to him longer than 5 minutes. Iconic.
#LMAOOOOO EXACTLY#“I am not debating I'm merely stating a fact” SIR#hes so funny#what a menace#he saves xiao and then goes#“huh”#theres a reason why he gets away with so many things#people think hes serious and “zhongli would never do that!!!” meanwhile zhongli lives for the crazy theories people come up about him#HE ACTIVELY LISTENS TO PEOPLE ARGUE ABOUT HIM#and then goes “no ur wrong actually” and also “the source: it came to me in a dream#yeah he has serious moments#but also im pretty sure 50% of him not bringing his wallet is intentional its not like hes actually in debt#But he would 100% debate neuvillette that “he cant judge the lord of geo because he's dead lmao”#maybe he has a lot of unresolved issues#but look hes like venti's best friend#but he gets away with everything that venti doesnt bc he dresses up nicer#He has a sense of humor and is also an omniscient deity with thousands of years of experience this is peak menace material#every bit of him acting like “oh woe I don't understand” was definitely at least a bit intentional#I love him#Zhongli is so unhinged#come on. he prepared a whole fake body and threw it down for his “fake death” like#There are so many ways and he chose to throw down a fake body#How many times do u think hes secretly pranked hu tao back and hu tao just. doesnt ever question zhongli#look hes had so much trauma let him be a menace#duality: having the craziest trauma and also the wildest most insane incognito shenanigans#LMAO REMEMBER WHEN HE LAUGHED AT THE QIXING GOING “rex lapis failed a divine trial”#zhongli: woah no way haha#I bet he would love to hear all the crazy origin theories people come up about him#and then be like “lmao thats nothing”#“dont be a coward go bigger”
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watching people speculate abt the ending of kh3 from when it came out and talking about the significance of yozora and the verum rex trailer and theyre fumbling through ffxv knowledge and its physically hurting me how much theyre getting wrong
#godddd#when no one likes ffxv apprently 😭😭#TO BE FAIR i dont know shit about versus 13 either so :/#cant wait to see these clowns play the dlc im gonna have an aneurysm#i could not fucking spell that omg#michi tag#anyways thats what kind of bugs me abt the yozora thing too is that like#idk theyll probably explain more in kh4 proper and maybe this is a consequence of waiting for a new game and speculation#but it bugs me that you ( at the moment) have to have even a little bit kf knowledge of ffxv and versus 13 to even beging to guess at whats#going on#like you know? it bugs me that you need that outside game knowledge to know who these people are and speculate on what direction the story#is gonna go. and again maybe its bc its information that will be given in kh4 and thats just the curse of waiting for a new installment but#it sucks regardless. at least with the other final fantasy games you dont need to know shit about them bc their games are quite literally no#not relevant to the overall story#you could probably enjoy this without the knowledge like i very much did even if all i knew was this bitch looks so much like noctis and its#confusing me bc evidently its NOT. and maybe the speculation and outside knowledge is for the insane people that like theorizing (me)#but damn :/#does this make or sense or am i talking crazy
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I keep getting scheduled outside my availability and I've been messaging the scheduling manager abt it for the past like week and she hasn't even READ one of my messages since the first one
#i had messaged her to be like heeeeyy this is happening can u fix it please:)#the scheduling system is i think mostly automated? or not automated idk the word but theres a program that does it. so its not like#malicious or on purpose or anything its just like we have literally hundreds of employees and they probably just input my availability wron#or smth when they put it in so the program is just putting me in the hours that it has. but im literally in class during those times. anywa#she messages me back and is like what is your availability supposed to be? so i sent it to her annnd. she has not looked at it#and i get that shes dealing w a million employees and her messages probably get buried rlly easily#buttt. i got fucking scheduled outside my hours again next week.#i was already able to find coverage so its like fine i mean whatever it was annoying but that day at least has been delt with. but I can't#do this every fucking week! I've been @ing her in the chat and marking it as important pretty much every day to remind her. and i think she#off on weekends so it like makes sense that she didnt see it the last couple days but still idkkkk im just going crazy#i am like trying to be as empathetic as possible bc she is actually a very busy person but it is so so insanely frustrating to be trying so#hard to fix this problem that isnt even my FAULT and im just getting absolutely nothing back meanwhile it is still happening.#idk im gonna message my other supervisor who actually replies and see what else i can do. bc at this point like. if this doesnt get solved#soon im abt to just start ignoring the schedule and showing up whenever and if they want to fire me they can idc#im lying actually i literally cant lose this job. idkkkk what to do i wanna cry#zem diary
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