#there could also be fear AND excitement
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The trailer for season 2 used R.E.M Strange currencies. They cut out the part 'these words you will be mine.'
Rolling Stone Mixed Emotions for trailer season 3, they cut out the "make love together stay on the path." (This part was skipped and instead we hear carmy say partnership agreement?)
It's so fitting, too, because Sydney and Carmy will become emotionally intertwined as they create and work hard together.
Carmy is grappling with mixed emotions as he pursues something he thought he would never do again. He has Sydney in his life, who reminds him of both the best and worst times when he was at the top of his career. He also has conflicting feelings about the culinary industry - it made him feel alive, but he also sacrificed much of his personal life for it. Now, he finds himself drawn back to it, and he's not being honest with himself about why he's doing all this in the first place, all for his business partner.
I'm just saying. How complicated.
#sydcarmy#theres love and anger about chansing these stars with her#there could also be fear AND excitement#carmy x sydney#this man has hella mixed emotions#also reminds me of the leaked footage with carmy having mixed feeling of seeing the food critic wall fak made
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It’s such a small little thing but the queens reactions when Brennan laughed at the Michelle Visage joke made me so happy. He didn’t draw attention to himself or pat himself on the back. It’s like you could see the queens relax a little and feel like they could fully be themselves in a space they all weren’t really used to being in. They know they don’t have to appeal to Brennan, but it’s also fun to know they’re at a table where their work is known and respected and it’s such a small thing but it means so much
#monet x change#alaska thunderfuck#bob the drag queen#jujubee#brennan lee mulligan#dungeons and drag queens#dimension 20#d20#major props to them for all being so game and excited#dnd was traditionally a really straight cis male space and with everything happening especially the last year it just means so much#it just mad me really emotional to see them having a good time and kick ass without fear of judgment for not knowing the game#also I want jujubee to flirt with all of brennan’s npcs because big same#also does anything feel like Bob could make a great DM#like they all would with their hosting experience but Bob really seemed to be so tuned in immediately
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playing through where the dead must go with an ingellvar rook and......... oh. rook LOVES loves the grand necropolis actually huh. you can hear it in every line they say. I'm. so full of feelings I didn't expect this to hit so hard but between the voice lines, banger music and astounding visuals (TELL ME this game is ugly and that the visual style sucks while you meet me in these halls of grieving I fucking dare you) I feel second hand drenched with grief and melancholy on the inside what the fuck
(feat. lucanis coming along unwittingly meeting future in-laws and realizing that rook has been clenching their teeth with the effort of only seeming about 5% of the freak they actually are the entire time he's known them fhsadkjfsa. local man learns that the one thing future spouse is deadly fucking serious about is their role as a watcher. it's a little hot)
#it fits so well because I haven't picked up a single necromancy spell and kept holding off on going to recruit emmrich#almost like rook is so homesick he could die but also dreads being back there because he fears he fucked up#and that the place itself would reject him somehow the same way the seniors watchers did#WILL THEY KNOW ME they say about the wisps with all the fear and longing of a child!!!!!!! what the FUCK what the fuck helllo!!!!#emmrich already feels like such a healing presence for ingellvar in particular through this he's so kind and companionable with them#of course rook is ruefully wracked with grief beneath it all they're in exile. augggggghhhh#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#rook ingellvar#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#at least american masc rook DOES sound like an excited child through this whole mission it's so endearing#I had headcanoned that rye was a bit of a problem kid -- brilliant but restless and underachieving despite wanting to be good#and this works really well with that actually. emmrich. pls come help this guy heal his relationship to academia and home lol#'what *idiot* would try to break into our necropolis?' he loves this place he's so proud of this place bonding over it with another watcher#is so important to him. I need to lie down
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saw a post questioning shipping Senua and Thórgestr and started to reblog it with a tag novel-- felt weird about doing that since this is lengthy and potentially derailing, so making my own post instead. Spitballing under the cut:
First off, any time someone is like, "the real reason people ship this is because they find the dude attractive," this is SO funny to me as someone who doesn't find men attractive IRL and has fiercely loved Senua since I played the first game, like-- actually I find the dynamic between those two characters to be compelling and interesting precisely because of all the baggage between them re: their backgrounds, the rough (put mildly!) beginning of their relationship, all the things they don't talk about, and them finding a common enemy/common ground to work with. The explicit parallels between them stated in-game scratched an itch in my brain. The minute they pointed out the dark rot on his arm, it was like, "oh! hello there! NOW I'm interested in whatever your whole deal is" for me. Also, idk man, I too would follow Senua around after she knocked me into the dirt and then showed me a way to fight the giants that I very much wanted to fight instead of appease.
The idea that Thórgestr was part of the Orkney Raid that killed and mutilated Dillion is VERY interesting food for thought, even if I don't personally have that headcanon (surely there are more viking raiding groups than just the Bjorg). I think the Furies or the Shadow said something similar about Fargrimr (his kin murdered yours, you shouldn't save him, etc.) so I completely get that line of thought, but I think the game left it ambiguous enough that it's up for interpretation. Would I read fic with that premise? Yeah, I'd check that out. Could Senua forgive Thorgestr if his people were involved? Sounds fun to explore.
If (ha, when?) I write fic, I'd have to think more about it especially wrt timelines, like when did the Bjorg start specifically raiding for slaves for giant food sacrifices vs. killing people for resources and wealth? How far off are we from the old gods "dying" and the volcano erupting? Was it indeed a different group of raiders who made a deal with Zynbel, attacked Senua's home, and made the sacrifice at that time to Hela?
At the very least, I think there's a time jump between the end of Hellblade I and the beginning of Hellblade II since Senua wasn't alone on that slave ship and at least one of the (brief) survivors knew her by name. I wouldn't mind exploring that gap of time, too.
In any case I do agree that it would take a VERY long time for Senua to consciously catch feelings for anyone let alone Thorgestr with all their collective baggage. The idea of them having a relationship beyond friendship in the far off future of an AU where he survives is the only one that can make sense in my brain, personally. It would take time! Time they didn't get in the game! But I think there are a lot of different roads that could take, and some of them might be healthier than others. Shipping them certainly isn't forgetting or excusing what happened to Dillion-- or even mutually exclusive from still shipping Senua and Dillion. Or, frankly, also shipping Senua and Astridr, because I can see that ship too.
One of the nice things about all the details Ninja Theory didn't expand upon and that they left that ending so open is that the sky's the limit. I'm VERY interested in seeing fandom tackle this game as we get farther from the initial release.
#kate plays hellblade#senua x thorgestr#a friend did laugh at me recently and say there's always a weird guy i latch onto and i laughed back and said i'm a boy in my brain#i think i've felt that way forever and it's still true. i DO gravitate toward male characters#especially ones who are a bit starry-eyed over their female counterparts#anyway that's not what this post is about#it's more of me throwing thoughts out into the ether because i don't have the energy or time to write fic yet#but i am Thinking About It#what happens after the story left off? what if we changed ONE THING and gave them more time#i stopped using accent marks midway through this sorry i'm typing on a computer. my phone would catch them but alas.#i can't remember my video games tag#senua#thorgestr#hellblade#senua's saga#i'm really just excited to talk fannish things about this one#the first game was so neat and tied up that i felt no fannish inclinations beyond loving the game#but there's SO MUCH ROOM HERE with this second one#delightful#i'll read all the AUs even the sad ones#when it comes to thorgestr and senua i think thorgestr fell first and pretty hard but he doesn't talk about it until senua starts opening u#i really think those two are made for a glacially slow burn#maybe not if she becomes the tyrant seer. loved and feared.#could be quick and very unhealthy. ALSO compelling to me!#senua's saga spoilers#to be safe#these tags are about as long as the post. i'd better quit while i'm ahead.#hertan writing tag
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MADE EDITS i couldn't stop thinking about their outfits and like,, the aspects i liked and thought felt very winx and in line with the individual characters and the aspects i Hated and thought sucked dookie SO i made some edits :)
biggest changes are to musa, aisha, and stella! actually changed the clothes there. flora and tecna i just adjusted the colors (in flora's case to further unwhitewash her and saturate her clothing more and in tecna's case to bring back her pink hair and green and cyan).
explanations on changes below!
I'll start with the simpler edits!
For Tecna, I just wanted to play around with her og colors lol I actually LOVE her new look and I would love to see this be the final design!! It's SO tecna and fits in with the rest of the winx i love it soo much :') I do think they should bring back her pinker hair though! And again, would love to see the green and cyan make an appearance. I feel like neon green is just very classy techy character. And while it is cliche, I do love it akjgd plus I think it looks good on her and makes the other colors stand out more imo! (but maybe this new, pinker look will make people like her more idk :') justice for tecna my beloved :'))
For Flora, I darkened her skin more for obvious reasons. And then I added more saturation to the colors and added back the warmer tones they took out. Imo, the darker, desaturated, and cooler toned look for Flora only works in very specific circumstances. Color theory rainbow!! Bring back the brightness! The color!! The warmth!!
Which brings me to Stella ohmygod,,, please,,,, please stop desaturating her she looks so pale and sick and lifeless STOP please :') Anyway lol, obviously brought back the brighter orange! I also took away the random sleeve. It's cute but it just didn't feel very Stella at the time? The tube top look is Very Classic Stella (very much giving s3 casual but in orange). Tbh, I don't love the dress itself, but I do think it looks better once you add more of Stella's colors. I also tanned her skin more and made her hair more yellow + brighter! Just like with Flora, color theory is important for media!! This Stella design just does Not give sunny, optimistic character. It's giving the gap (aka BORING aljdhg)
Aisha's design stumped me for a bit, I won't lie. I couldn't figure out exactly what I didn't like. But I got it!! One, way too symmetrical imo. Yes, Aisha does have some very symmetrical looks, but like 80% of her looks are very asymmetrical. I also didn't love that it didn't incorporate more of Aisha's powers. It really just went for *vaguely sporty* and didn't try to bring anything else to the table. And some people might say that Aisha's og looks were like that too, but I disagree! They told a story! She's a brave adventurer, a dancer, a princess, etcetc!! This tells me "oh yeah this girl might like to do yoga. cool."
Anyway! So I made Aisha's pants baggier because let's be fucking real for a sec. Changed the design on the pants slightly to make it asymmetrical and incorporated a wave design. Took away that bottom shiny fabric of her shirt. I tried to keep it but it just wasn't looking great with the pants changes tbh. Added small waves to the bottom and made it one shoulder! Also added her classic little circle wave design 1. because it's cute and 2. so Musa wouldn't feel so out of place with a design. Tbh, I still don't love the pants... I think maybe that hem could be higher?
For Musa! I've spoken about this before but I do not like the bodysuit. I liked the concept and the vibe it brings, but it looks So uncomfortable and s1 Musa was alllll about being comfortable. It's why so many people think she hates wearing dresses (even though she doesn't). So I kept the vibe, but changed it to the same mesh that's on her right arm! Which like!! I didn't even see that until I started the edit!! It's so,,, unnoticeable which like,, isn't a bad thing? But also? I think the mesh being on her stomach too makes the design as a whole a little more balanced (and it's a nice callback to her og magic winx!). As for the color changes, really just wanted to go back to her reds and dark blues. I don't Hate the color scheme, but I also don't love it. And I think this feels a lot more like Musa yknow? Also darkened her hair cause fuck that dude
Anyway lol it's not the best edit so don't look too hard :') I just wanted to explore what I liked about the designs and what I didn't. We did get to see a little bit of Bloom's casual, but I want to wait until we get a closer look to speak on it/make edits. Also tbh, I don't really love Flora's outfit but I didn't want to completely redesign her and I concede that this is something she would wear (although it feels more like s4 cowgirl time/s5 casual and not s1 new student time but Fine). For now, I'm gonna pretend the trailer showed us my edit of Stella and not what it really showed. I can't get pale pinterest stella out of my head,,, aggghhhh
#tbh i don't love stella being monochrome that much but trust me the pink wasn't working#as a whole though the goal was to make it feel more like Them and make them feel more individual!!#as others have mentioned.. the constant baby pink is Sooo annoying and it makes them blend together way too much#its not a cohesive vibe its just 'here lets all wear pink for no fucking reason'#but anyway while i don't Love stella being all orange i feel like it doesnt stand out tooo badly thanks to tecna#also again i still really hate aisha's pants :') idk they look SO off to me#the wave was a big brain moment but i fear not even that could save her#i think im gonna do another edit for her later!#anyway. thoughts? comments? concerns?#tbh i am loving seeing all the positivity toward the new outfits#like yes ive seen my fair share of hate but i feel like fans are genuinely looking forward to this#and keeping an open mind even with the things they don't love!#i love that :') we haven't had that in the winx fandom since like.. world of winx maybe... and even that had a lot of hate#because of the whitewashing especially which valid but even smaller things that were just Different#so its really nice to see people so genuinely excited and looking forward to it!! its probably helping the morale at rainbow lol#winx club#mine.edits#mine.art#winx club spoilers#kind of i still dont know if these are Final designs but im going to treat them as such since we're getting closer to the release
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Honestly, having good days like this is good for me mentally. Because not only does it put my usual struggles into perspective, forcing me to accept that I have a tendency to severely downplay just how much they impede me... but it also gives me perspective about my self perceived laziness.
Like, the fact that I become almost abnormally productive and energetic compared even to abled people the very instant that my pain and all of the other issues are all gone? I'm not lazy! And I know logically that teachers telling me that over and over growing up was wrong, but it still shocks me in new ways to this day just how deeply ingrained this perception of myself is.
Like, is it laziness? Or am I just averse to doing things that will physically punish me? Today reminded me that it's very much the latter.
#and its not even an overcompensation thing#i am genuinely ambitious and energetic by nature! in fact i think thats part of why i still manage to do some things#im also optimistic at heart because im always excited to try new things and dont really fear failure or being bad at it#i guess persistent is another fitting word#ALL THAT TO SAY today is most likely what i would be like all the time if i wasnt ill!#and so i once more ask myself: in what world could 'lazy' ever be remotely true#its strange how vindicated i feel rn but its so like#idk ive been so down this whole year but recently theres been a major turnaround mentally#i cant explain it but i feel like theres a new level of self acceptance after today#that its not all in my head and that im not making a bigger deal out of my issues than is valid#because if i were anywhere near healthy i would live like today EVERY day without even thinking about it#silvi talks
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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 200 FOLLOWERS!!!
i mostly made this account as a way to look at other peoples art on tumblr, and only really started posted a couple pieces of art for fun, but the positivity ive received so far is so encouraging for me and my art that this is most likely going to become an actual art blog (which i wasnt expecting!!)
thank you again for interacting with my posts and leaving kind messages, i appreciate it more than you can know =))
PS: i am considering making some sort of Ask The Characters blog (idk what theyre called) possibly for danganronpa... lmk if that sounds cool...
#this is my sona/me btw! i dont really have an interesting design for him so he kinda just looks exactly like me lol#i completely forgot that my account could even get followers and i only realised like a week ago that i had so many!#i may make a few more posts in celebration tomorrow this one was very rushed#im very excited#im also very sleepy#rip to my dc and tma hyperfixations theyre still in my heart#my special interests never vanish they just get held in stasis#waiting to be unearthed in a few months/years#there is a new hyperfix i will be making art for soon#danganronpa is still absolutely at the front of my mind though do not fear#my art#milestone#haha pun#because my name yknow#danganronpa#drv3#so tired
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#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#okay but this made me laugh so hard just because of how much it reminds me of misao JSJSJ LOL because she has had like casual 'flings'-#with people and is an addictive personality as i've talked about here once which includes her being a love junkie + getting into-#relationships with people because she is in love with the IDEA of being in love though falling in love with someone can't just happen-#like magic as it involves a bunch of hormones and stuff but misao kind of somewhat hopes that this person of interest to her will somehow-#complete her life anyhow which... yeah can definitely raise a few problems as people with a love addiction often attract love-#avoidant people because both of these types of people generally have a fear of being abandoned and controlled.#but whenever it comes to love-avoidant individual's they're also emotionally unavailable so 😬#it's unfortunately kinddd of a recipe for an unhealthy relationship that could very well lead to the both of them being in a bad place-#once they break up as misao as a love addict is constantly seeking out new love in particular as a lot of excitement and good feelings-#come with this particular type of love in particular. so yeahhh - i know that this may be a bit of a weird picture to do a meta to but-#SHHH lol i just thought it could possibly relate to her more long-term relationships that she's had with people as misao-#tends to avoid feelings of vulnerability with people as you may all know and so this leads to both her + the other person not really-#knowing what they are BC they haven't really established that deeper connection even though they've been together for a while.#not to say that i'm trying to blame misao for having problems with opening up or anything like that but she has a very disorganized-#attachment style i think and that leads to her often doing this continuous 'push and pull' thing in her romantic/sexual ships#where one moment she will want to be attached to the hip to them but the next she will be cold and distant from them.#so yeahhh. misao is honestly kind of like what i've said barton is before: a cake inside of a cake because i feel like she's got sides of-#herself that she doesn't even know about because she's been scared of being fully emotionally vulnerable with someone for a while now sadly#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.
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omg ppl really don't lie when they say your life can drastically change for the better in a short amount of time, don't let depression tell you otherswise
#like i've had 2 friends from school reach out to me about hanging out and that along with therapy has pretty much made my fear of everybody#secretly hating me VANISH#i have never felt as good about myself as i do now#and to think that about a year ago i was so depressed i could barely change my clothes everyday#and like. absolurely DRENCHED in anxiety about the future#and now i have a job prospect that acrually mwkes me feel excited about work/school and i've managed to do so many new things#so my fear of never learning to be independent is also slowly disappearing#bro at the beginning of this year i was so convinced i'd be a burden to my parents until they die and felt so so guilty about thst idea#and now boom#instead of dread i actually feel excited about the future??#amazing#moots i'm sending some of my joy to you so you can feel as amazing as i do because WOW#i feel like a whole new person life is great#stella's horoscope
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it might be a little too early to say this, but so far, we’ve had elements from manga only developments play out in this round of drama tracks; in the bb track saburo and jiro hear out and take responsibility for different sides of an argument, which happens in bbmtc➕ chapter 8, and rio maybe has to stop his old team from attacking chuuoku in the mtc drama, the main issue in bbmtc chapter 7
so maybe fp and mtr will have similar plots that lowkey stem from the manga only stuff 🤔
#this is vee speaking#can’t say nagosaka bc they didn’t have manga only stories ahaha⭐️#these are 2/3gumi stories so i’m trying to decide if this applies to leaders too#like ichiro being a mediator IS a manga first thing idk what samatoki’s could be tho lol#like if it’s leader stories too it would be sooooo funny if those tdd clones came back#but he should still be dealing with clone stuff lol#fpmtr’s track might go crazy with their stakes it’s a little exciting lol#ik i’m counting nagosaka out of this lol but i also think they have the chance to do the craziest thing and blow our minds lol#casuals will watch in fear and the ones who keep up nagosaka lore are terrified that this is where it led lol#and then we drop chuuoku afterwards LOL#i’m so curious as to where these tracks are leading lol
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HELLO WIFI nightly thoughts anon again, first of all wish you to enjoy your vacation! Then I love reading so much about Marine and Arlecchino it was soo sweet ! I'd like to know more about Marine story if possible, you mentionned she can't see and has artificial skin, is she a puppet similar to Scaramouche and got broken or was she created blind ?
ohohoho you're encouraging meeeeeeee eheheheheheeheh :]
Marine is sort of like Scaramouche in that she's an artificial creation of an archon- she's specifically referred to as a "doll" at several points rather than a puppet
she's a creation of Focalors specifically to help guide Furina and keep her company (and on the right path), since Focalors knew that false godhood is a very long and lonely process, and thus Marine has a kind and motherly nature even if she doesn't completely understand it which often make young children and Melusine feel safe and protected around her. Focalors specifically made her without sight, since she wanted Marine to embody the phrase "justice is blind", and ever since then Marine has been looking after Furina and helping her and Neuvillette run Fontaine, which is why i said she's considered third in Fontaine's hierarchy
a few things about Marine's body specifically: -she has visible ball joints like a porcelain doll, and her skin has the texture of porcelain as well -the areas around her joints are decorated with wave-like engravings -the energy used to power her comes from Pneuma-Ousia reactions inside her body -her heart is made of the purest chunk of Condessence Crystal and is extremely important. if her heart is sufficiently damaged, Marine will shut down. it can be replaced, but crystals of such high purity and size are extremely hard to find -because of what she's made of, Marine's body can crack and limbs can break off, but those can be repaired -Marine can't see anything, not even light, and her lack of a need for sleep means she takes many nighttime walks -does not have a Vision, her affinity with Hydro is natural thanks to Focalors -her Arkhe is Ousia -she rarely opens her eyes since her irises and pupils are completely white and she thinks humans might find it frightening -she is waterproof and spends a lot of her limited free time underwater :]
Marine is the one who taught Furina how to fight (just in case!) and uses a rapier that's part of her parasol (the umbrella part is actually water that's being held in place). she was also fairly lonely due to Furina pushing her away and most of Fontaine's citizens finding her dependable but unnerving but has made more friends since Fontaine became more accepting and less formal over the years- she and Navia are close and Neuvillette is basically her best friend for life, while Wriothesley holds her in high regard because she occasionally does work for the Fortress. Marine's usually calm and gentle, but she's unafraid to become violent if anyone threatens her loved ones, and is very proficient at using her sword
and yes, Arlecchino knows. she's one of the only people who knows of Marine's nature, other than Furina and Neuvillette
(please ask me more about Arlecchino and Marine i go insane about them every day)
#genshin talk#genshin oc#wifi's ocs#focalors wanted her to embody 'justice is blind' so she could help judge furina without bias in the final trial#fun fact marine is mostly very calm and doesn't have any huge reactions to anything until after the prophecy is averted#because after that she's technically released from her duties and begins expressing herself more#notably she becomes more genuinely happy and more excited over everyday things#she also likes ballet and sometimes dances in the opera house when it's empty#furina pushes her away because she fears what will happen if marine finds out about her secret#but after the archon quests she's like 'MOM I'M SORRYYYY'#arlecchino finds out when marine trusts her enough to take her gloves off and show her#to arle it doesn't make her any less marine. she's very accepting of it and adores her either way#this does occasionally lead to marine coming into the room with her arm broken off and arlecchino just going 'not again'#auruhgrhghgh im love them#me and my friend were screaming about arlecchino today it was so fun#good evening
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this story is not only taking a life of its own it is Actively sprouting legs and running away from me
#julia.txt#SO far removed from my og idea#i fear i may be getting too ambitious#its not that i Cant do it its that i know from Experience that when i get really excited about something#and about How Good it could turn out being#i get intimidated and then never write it#But i want to break the curse for this one. so bad#me : so what if the forest is a metaphor for the grief no actually for the anger that is born of grief#and also theres a conversation with THIS guy thats full of subtleties but i cant properly write them because its not from his pov. augh.#and ALSO its a non linear narrative that intertwines the present and the past and also#LIKE GIRL CALM DOWN
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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Physically, I'm already lying down.
Emotionally, I feel like I need to find a soft spot and crumple dramatically to the ground and lay down for a few weeks.
#sonder speaks#personal#but also if I wasn't fine with this being read/reblogged without context I wouldn't have posted it here#this week has been exhausting#I feel like I need permission from someone to go crawl into a nest and cry#one of my budgies died a few days ago#but I was looking after other animals that normally have a more dedicated caretaker#which was hard enough to handle that I couldn't really mourn my budgie much#especially when I need to keep happy around the remaining one so he doesn't grieve or get lonely#and I had to do a few specific tasks that are really really hard on me because nobody was there to help#and I tried to help my sister with things but none of the things worked#and a plan our family is excited about started to hit roadblocks#and one member of the family had a meltdown that triggered trauma in others in the family and drove things downhill#the family members at the center of this meltdown normally help me with chores and animal care#I was looking forward to them being home so I could rest and recuperatr and mourn#and now the meltdown has followed them here and it's built on top of years of other meltdowns and everything is tense#and of course it's bringing up old traumas and expectations and fears for me too#and I end up as a 30 year old feeling like he has 16 year old problems again#my whole body is tense#I'm not tired enough to sleep#I almost feel like crying for my budgie and all my fears and the things I let mysrlf get excited for#the things that either won't happen at all or are tainted by this veil of persistent bitterness that followed them home to me#almost#but I fear the possibility that crying could make things worse in any capacity#and I've struggled to cry for years anyway#so I'm just trying to use therapy tools to quiet the spiraling thoughts#and making this post because it feels like journaling without the pitfalls I fall into while journaling or talking directly to a person#hoping I'll get enough sleep that I don't accidentally trigger a sleep-deprivation/stress seizure my meds can't stop#and tomorrow I have to get back to studying which is very hard for me but gets me closer to making money#I liked when things were mostly good and calm and just sucked on a passive level -- can I have that again?
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idk how to explain it but a rage-driven desire to change the world coupled with the anticipation of finally dealing with something weighing on me for a long time and the relief that something can be done about that thing but also. racing thoughts and being unable to not act Right Now or say no to any of the ideas I have on how this can be done, while also having a breakthrough and processing a bunch of things that have happened to me and how they impacted me all of a sudden—that’s not normal ‘period is about to hit’ behaviour/experience is it?
#see I really don’t think I’m manic rn. I think this’ll wear off to something normal in a couple of days#but it’s also that feeling of having repressed something for so long and it comes out all at once and I feel lighter and empowered#that’s the feeling. empowerment. with a side of desperation but the desperation isn’t fearful; it’s more like hypomania#or the excitement of being stuck on something for so long and finally! having a lead! for a potential solution!#I went through all stages of grief And a very rushed half of the design process in the last 45 minutes. this should not be possible#rapid mood shifts mixed with exploding after bottling soemthing up (but the rage is positive for me bc I made it that way) and underlying#mixed depression and hypomania with constant stress on top? would that do it? Is the hypomania coming back? or just my personality?#or a mix of the adhd and pda profile that I spiral in positive thoughts and get super energised as well as in negative ones (the latter les#when all I can think of is how therapy works too slow for me. is that something that needs to be accommodated or a symptom?#personal mental health tag#bipolar#bpd#throwing it in these tags so someone can weigh in. conditions I more or less meet criteria for#or is it unlocking a memory and facts about myself that I repressed via dissociation? could be many things. I’m excited. I want to sleep#and I’m about to double dose on my melatonin to try that sounds like a bad idea. even it can’t kick whatever excitement chemical in my body#(also I’m obv not gonna take more than double)#but imagine feeling trapped all the time. then you find hope to feel free. of course you’d be excited
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after SO many years of making myself the butt of the joke for not knowing anything, it’s overwhelmingly joyful to finally, truly open myself up to learning
#it’s just !!!!!!!!#i’m VERY excited for this year!!#i’m excited for all of it and i’m excited for what lies beyond#because like. Yeah - it’s gonna be awesome in its own right - it already has been#but also - once the baseline of knowledge is there - the options will be limitless#because next year is a WHOLE nother year! i can do this AGAIN but with even MORE stuff!!!!!#all informed by what i’ve already experienced!#how fucking cool is that!!#i’m just tired of existing in self-imposed limitations for no reason whatsoever#if i don’t know about a topic that i’m interested in - WHY????#it literally could not be easier to find information#it is within my power to read and watch and see and eat nearly ANYTHING i want#and i’m gonna do it!#nobody can stop me#no more hesitation - no more fear - no more shame#just me#and my quest to learn how to live as well as i can#fuck man… life is GOOD!
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