#therapy type stuff

[nicely-done]

Oh right trying some less intense resolutions:

- play the darn games I bought and never completed!!!!!! Or sometimes played

- mess around w rpg maker. Do Something

- draw looser, don’t obsess over lines so hard dang

- do more pixel art maybe? It’s fun

[buttercupshands]

I started drawing this next day after I finished Act 6

13 or so days and it's finished!

Main things are traditional and Loop's body was edited digitally after

Unedited it looks like this

I've been torn on how to do Loop's body for the entirety of lining, also

A bit sad the main lines are visible only as a wip, most of this thing is literally just a ton of sharp lines

I think it's also my first day of drawing, Loop is just a sketch here (feat. my leg)

I even finished the beans before it so they were a moral support, because if you let me things like this take a year

[d3cayingdolly]

there's no shame in choosing yourself for once, btw

[eddiegettingshot]

like ok. i’m trying not to be a hater. but to me the eddie going to therapy talk. like when there’s a little “and of course eddie should see frank!” dropped in or whatever. it kind of feels to me like the equivalent of when. out of the blue. someone is like “ok and you know the traffic light system right!” in a slightly less than vanilla sex scene. even when it doesn’t like. matter. or make sense. just to prove that we’re meeting some pop psychology standard of healthy and good. you know what i mean. like it doesn’t feel interesting or necessary

[triglycercule]

horror's about to get his shit rocked i guess but its ok he got to say a cool line. anyways i had this silly little idea :3 horror deserves to be the one inflicting pain onto killer sometimes anyways it can't ALWAYS be killer being sadistic 😒😒😒

[figofswords]

thinking about taking a little bit of a step back from social media for a bit for mental/physical health reasons (as in: chronic severe anxiety is causing chronic health issues and I need to remove stress Somehow). I will still post art but I’m probably gonna make an effort to engage with my dash only minimally, if at all. (that being said I have very poor discipline so if you see me suddenly reblogging stuff out of nowhere just. roll with it)

[fenrichaita]

I genuinely believe that it is so harmful to tell traumatized people things like "how can anyone love you if you do not love yourself?" and other phrases that promote toxic positivity and implies that insecurities and lack of confidence are moral failings.

I was confident. I did love myself. I didn't used to care about what people thought of me. I did everything that these cute little phrases now tell me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and just do. Nobody is born with poor self-esteem and believing they're unlovable.

From a young age, being myself, when I was confident and self-assured and happy, was what made me ostracized. It is what made people tell me I was weird and unlovable. For reasons I did not understand, I was repeatedly told that what I was, was wrong. I unlearned so much of my personality, some of which has never came back, just to be small and less noticeable.

And like many other people in the same situation, I naturally want to be liked, to be considered likeable and approachable. I had a fundamental human need that is neglected --- but acknowledging this, and seeking to be liked and socialized with is wrong. It's insecure, it's weird, it's clingy. Over and over, I was told it was a moral failing to be insecure, to need the approval and affection of human beings. I just needed to be confident, something that no one could describe how to be in any detail besides just pulling myself up by the bootstraps.

Suddenly, I was told to do everything that I was told not to do and not to be growing up, and if I did not, it was a deficit of character. The implication being, love is transactional and conditional. If you cannot be confident, if you cannot feel as if you have earned love, if you cannot make people feel comfortable (mostly by appearing non-traumatized), then you do not deserve the fulfilment of a fundamental human need.

It took me a long time to recognize my trauma symptoms and begin to heal, or mask better at least. I remember back when I was nervous and insecure and young how much more hostile many interactions I had with people were. By being uncomfortable, I made them uncomfortable. If I was in pain, or distress, and was not able to mask it to social standards, that made them uncomfortable as well. Traumatized people are told that the discomfort of others is always their jobs to navigate, and being made uncomfortable is solely their own problem.

The paradox of telling people who have been beaten and worn down out of their confidence to simply be confident in order to be deserving of love at all is... Very questionable. It certainly never taught me how to be confident, but it did make me very acutely aware of how cruel it is to tell traumatized people they're less deserving of love because of the specific ways they were abused, demoralized, and conditioned.

I don't think it should be controversial to say this, but I don't think people should be more hostile against people for having trauma symptoms. I don't think we should imply it is a moral failure to have symptoms of trauma. I don't think we should imply that people should have to show no signs of trauma to be loved. Healing is an ongoing process and sometimes there is a place for being to be angry, to be insecure, to be less than confident, to be less than ready to be ~"healed"~.

Anyways, do you know how I became confident again and stopped caring about what other people thought of me? These weren't specific goals to reach just so people would like me more, these are the effects of actually processing my trauma and not pretending it doesn't exist.

[youngpettyqueen]

alright as promised- Julian and Garak and Garashir thoughts on A Stitch in Time!

also, I am going to note before I even begin. yes, I ship Garashir, but im also going to focus on not viewing their dynamic entirely through a shipping lens. Garashir as a ship will be brought up, yes, but im making a concentrated effort to also discuss their relationship as presented because them as a duo compels me even without my shipping goggles on

without further ado, lets get into it-

I think the most important thing to take from how Julian and Garak are presented in A Stitch in Time is that Garak cares about Julian very, very deeply. whether you interpret that as romantic or not is up to you, but its at least made very clear that Garak cares about Julian. a lot. which, yes, we know from the show that Garak cares, but the depth of his care is truly revealed in this book

I think its safe to say that this book is the most open we see Garak be with Julian. and im not just saying in their scenes together- this entire book was written by Garak, for Julian to read. a chronicle of his history, entries made during their time on DS9, and letters written about what he's doing now on Cardassia, all written for Julian to read. this book is, quite literally, Garak showing everything he is to Julian. which is fucking incredible. we know Garak is a closed-off person and very defensive of himself, we see exactly WHY he's that way, and we're seeing that only because he's spelling it all out to give to Julian. this is an openness that Garak hasn't ever afforded himself in a relationship. and I think its for good reason that the first time he is this open and this honest, its with Julian

I was deeply compelled by Garak's point of view on his and Julian's relationship in the entries that took place during DS9. I love how distant they became from each other, and how strained things got. I never would've read it that way with just the show, and now I cant wait to do a rewatch with this new information in mind. Garak thinks Julian has ended their relationship, he thinks Julian doesnt want to learn any more from him, and he doesnt understand why. he's upset about it- he's mad! his feelings are hurt! but he cant let go. and that ties in with the sentimentality we see in Garak throughout the rest of the book. Garak could no more let go of his connection with Julian than he could his connection with Paladine when he was still on Cardassia. he still answers when Julian calls. he still calls Julian himself. even drifted apart, theyre still connected. they still care. and thats why they come back together before the end of the series- they still love each other. platonically, romantically, however you want to interpret it, you cannot deny that these two love each other

as for Julian's side of this rift. I dont think Julian sees their relationship as over, but I think he can tell something's off. Julian is very awkward in many of his scenes with Garak, and doesnt seem to know how to approach him, or even how to talk to him sometimes. whatever Julian believes is going on here, he knows something's wrong. so, in true Julian fashion, even though he doesnt know what to do or say, he reaches out. he keeps reaching out. he goes out of his way to get Garak's favourite food hand-made. he answers when Garak calls. he calls Garak. he tries to apologize. he tries, he tries, he tries. because he knows, whatever's going on, that he wants to be there for Garak. he wants to help. such is the nature of Julian Bashir- he always just wants to help

I love that his attempts to help are clumsy. the argument Julian and Garak have about Federation vs Cardassian politics is great! because we know Julian is trying to help, but Julian has a habit of being a bit condescending and even arrogant in assuming his way is the right way, and I love that Garak actually gets mad about it here. this argument really highlights just how different Julian and Garak are, but it also serves to point out just how strained Garak is with everything going on with the Dominion and Cardassia at this point. Garak is surprised at his own outburst, and I think part of it is because he's typically better at hiding his feelings, but I also think part of it is that he's this mad towards Julian. I dont think its a stretch to say that this might be reminding Garak of the events of Our Man Bashir. that episode comes up multiple times throughout the DS9 entries, and is an event that Garak associates with him and Julian drifting apart. its also the episode where we see Garak get mad at Julian about these same things- namely his arrogance, in assuming he can save everyone and that things will work out. while at first it surprised me that Garak saw these events as driving a wedge between him and Julian, in hindsight, I think it makes total sense

the idea of Julian pulling away from Garak after Our Man Bashir is what makes it make complete sense. Julian trying to apologize in the last entry for DS9 is what really makes it- he feels bad for hurting Garak. and he avoids talking about it, but he pointedly doesnt deny that he would've killed Garak if he had to, to save the others. of course the guilt of that's been eating him. of course he pulled away. because after Our Man Bashir, as we get into s5 and beyond, we see Julian start to go down a darker path. we see Julian kill. we see him lie, and manipulate, and do harm. we see him forced to compromise his morals, or compromise them by his own choice. so, yeah, it makes sense that he's pulling away from Garak

on the topic of episodes that get brought up- I love that Julian only pulls away further after the events of Doctor Bashir, I Presume? I'd wondered how that episode might've impacted his relationship with Garak, since we dont see it at all in the show besides Garak starting to make cracks at Julian about being augmented. I love that Julian being outed as being augmented played a part in him and Garak drifting apart. if theres one thing I wish would've been included in the DS9 entries, I wish we could've seen if Garak and Julian talked either during or right after the events of that episode. I think it'd be interesting, though, if they didnt. I think it'd be interesting if they never talked about it. I honestly think that could track with how they've drifted apart at this point. it'll be left up to me to wonder, I think, but its all very fascinating

I love that despite everything, Garak's respect and admiration for Julian is always clear- especially when it comes to traits like his kindness. its nice to see that, despite how Garak always gets on Julian's case about his naivety and optimism, he actually does love these so-called "soft things" about Julian. he loves his kindness. he loves his selflessness. he loves that desire Julian has to just help everybody around him. I think this kindness is what really helps pull their relationship back together, in more ways than one

for one thing, I think if Julian wasn't his kind and loving and open self, I dont think Garak would be able to be as open as he is with him. Garak is very much used to people having multiple agendas, and Julian is just not like that. Julian is open and honest to a fault, with his only big secret being that he was augmented, and once thats out in the open, he doesnt have anything left to hide. Julian and Garak's relationship might've started with Julian clumsily trying to be a spy, but it quickly became just... a friendship. Julian doesnt want anything from Garak besides a relationship. he just wants Garak. and its this honest, open approach to that that reminds Garak that this is Julian, who he can trust, and thats what lets them mend this thing between them

I also think its crucial that Garak's respect and admiration for Julian's kindness ultimately overpowers his desire to teach Julian his ways. Garak sees their relationship as over because he believes that Julian doesnt want to learn from him. the hurdle that Garak has to overcome here is that he needs to see that Julian can still learn from him, but not in the way he thinks. Garak has to learn that Julian doesnt need to learn how to be a hardened spy from him. he doesnt need to learn how to close himself off, or be more cynical- what he gets from Garak, what he learns from Garak, is how to be challenged. Garak challenges Julian constantly, forces him to think about things from different perspectives he otherwise wouldnt have considered. Julian gets caught up in believing his way is the right way, he cant always see the other side of things, and Garak is the one who will make him see it. thats why their relationship, even when its distanced, is never over- because Julian is still learning from Garak as he continues to challenge him, and Garak is still learning from Julian as he learns that sentimentality isnt a weakness after all

the last entry set in DS9 means the entire world to me. Garak immediately calling Julian after a nightmare. Julian going to him. the discussion they have. Garak realizing what he has to do. the apologies Julian tries to make, and how Garak won't let him. the way they come together again at last, and you know theyre going to be ok. Garak calling him Julian... you have to wonder if this is the first time Garak has actually called him by his name, because to my memory he doesnt do so at any point in the show. and of course its Julian who makes Garak see what he needs to do, and where he needs to be. just, that entire scene. its so important to me. you can feel the love, and it feels like a sigh of relief, because they've finally bridged this gap between them

to me, though, the most loving bit is the very end of the novel. Garak inviting Julian to come to his home, and see what he's done. Garak has just documented pretty much his entire life and sent it to Julian so that Julian will know every part of him, and he's ended it by inviting Julian to his home. holy shit. this is where the shipping goggles go on cause oh my god. Garak has just gone "here's my heart. here's my soul. here's my core. here's everything that's made me into me. here's what I was thinking when we weren't talking. here's how much I missed you. here's everything youve ever done for me. nothing would make me happier than you coming to see me. come see my home. come see what ive done. I love you. come to my home." this entire novel is such a massive display of vulnerability and trust, of an openness Garak has never allowed himself to express, and it end it by inviting Julian to come to his home? im going to fucking explode.

Garak wasn't this open with Palandine. he wasn't this open with Pythas. he wasn't this open with Tolan, with Mila, with Tain- there's been nobody he's been this open with. his relationship with Julian is so much different than any other relationship he's had, just for the fact that he can be truly, openly himself. and he knows he can be, because he knows Julian. this novel really highlights how well Garak knows Julian, and understands him- he knows Julian will accept him for who he is, because Julian always has. Julian would never be as harsh on Garak as Garak is on himself, Julian is the kind voice in his head, and its exactly BECAUSE he sees Garak for who he is: a man who's trying his best. nobody else has ever seen that in Garak- I dont think even Palandine saw it. I think she probably got the closest to seeing it, and I think Pythas too might've gotten close had they not been separated for so long, but nobody ever got close to Garak like Julian managed to

I think however you interpret the Julian and Garak dynamic, you can read this book and understand that these two love each other. deeply. whether that means platonically or romantically you can interpret yourself, but however you define it, the love is still undeniably there. do I think its romantic? hell yeah. they make me fucking insane and every interaction between them in this book made me scream out loud. but I think its a testament to how theyre written that the love is there no matter how you read it, and that their relationship is just incredibly solid all around. Andrew Robinson clearly put a lot of work and love and thought into how he portrayed these two, and it shows in every scene, every line where Garak even thinks about Julian

alright gonna wrap up because this is getting. so long. I love that this book wasn't about their relationship, but it also was. because this book is, of course, about Garak. but it was written by Garak, for Julian. and it ends perfectly, with Garak holding a hand out and going "you're always welcome, doctor." so, yeah, this is Garak's story, but it's also Garak's story for Julian, and that makes me, personally, feel a little insane

[aspynnwoofs]

shit.

the only thing that lets me feel emotions and happy and stuff is amphibia right now, mostly Marcy related stuff, right?

i’m. losing the willpower to make myself look at it properly. to make myself read the stuff. to smile when i see art i like.

i’m. so tired. i do nothing all day because i can’t make myself do schoolwork. i sleep through mornings then feel terrible about it since other kids go to school then. i try to sit down and read my favorite books but i can’t mentally make myself, and when i do it only lasts ten minutes or something.

i’m completely empty, there aren’t any emotions anywhere. i never cry because what is there to cry about? except there is, but i can’t think of anything, or get myself to care.

idk why the fuck i’m writing this…

i hate feeling like this, but i can’t make myself imagine or believe in something better past this.

holy fucking hell (haha oxymoron) this sucks

[sincerely-sofie]

So do your pmd2au have technology? Is it like pre or post Industrial Revolution?

The answer is a bit complicated!

The humans in the AU definitely have technology, and it’s fairly advanced— but after retreating into underground bunkers while anticipating some sort of grand disaster long ago, they’ve lost a lot of the references that told them how technology worked. They’ve entered an Industrial Dark Age. Long story short: they know that if they press the power button on a PC it’ll turn on or off, but they don’t know how to maintain or update it. As a result, a lot of their tech is gradually failing and malfunctioning as time passes, and this includes the failsafe locking mechanisms that prevent anyone from getting in or out of the bunkers. This, along with a fast-spreading underground fire, is not at all integral to Twig’s tragic backstory as a human in the Dark Future! Haha… ha…

(It is. It very much is. And this leads to some interesting dynamics in the Paradox Edition AU.)

As for the Pokémon— nah, they have superpowers that negate the need for most modern technology. Who needs basic radio transceivers when you have psychic powers capable of beaming messages across near-incomprehensible distances? It’s that sort of idea.

[theposhperyton]

What the Hell !

[mynameisgoliath]

Today I donated to Efrat.

Efrat is an organization which helps people who are pregnant and want to keep the baby, but feel that they cannot, or are not sure if they want to keep the baby.

They help financially until the baby is 18, they help with family--including escape from abusive situations, they have therapy available to the pregnant person, they help them find work after pregnancy and much more.

Efrat was founded by a Holocaust survivor after he saw the brutal murder of Jewish children by people who wanted no more Jews in the world.

One year ago Hamas brutally murdered Jews and anyone who helped Jews, including children. They want no Jews in the world.

Efrat fights against that.

[spitblaze]

hey does anyone have any good songs about unethical experiments or genetics or profound regret. im making a playlist for a new masks character

[stuworbutwitheds]

This might be a hot take(?) but i do like how Eddy become more grumpy as the show went between seasons

Of course he is more mean and kinda more aggressive with his friends.

But i think it's a great way to show how trauma can affect your personality, especially when it comes to physical abuse. Not every child that suffers like that is quiet and shy, some of them can mirror the bad traits of their abuser and they're just as valid to get love and support.

[anxiously-sidequesting]

I know we as a fandom all love to shit on Duncan whenever we get the chance (see: me posting Duncan GruncanWuncan) especially since the like, two times we ever see him he's shitting on us for being ourselves then tries to kill us because of his own delusions of grandeur but I thought about it and I was like, "......man that's kinda Sad actually"

BECAUSE seeing this from Duncan's perspective; he's The Best, he always has been the best, but reality constantly shows him that isn't true (Malorn, The Wizard, anyone else)

Like imagine how painful that can be when you think something that you truly deserved and something that you've fought for, maybe for your entire life, is seemingly handed to others who aren't nearly as deserving as you

And yeah WE know that Duncan has neither worked (very hard, at least) for his perceived greatness NOR does he truly """deserve""" it (Duncan has been shown to be shirking his duties off to us and possibly others for his own gain), but DUNCAN doesn't know this. Like in his mind he truly, honestly, genuinely believes with his whole fragile heart that he is just above everyone else and puts more effort in trying to convince others of that rather than literally just trying to work towards that himself

And then there's the extra added insult that even in his own class he's pretty mediocre. Duncan INSISTS that he was Malistaire's best student and that he praised Duncan maybe once and that all other Death students only wish they could be like him, but... Malorn. And I bet deep down Duncan KNOWS that in fact Malorn was Malistaire's best and most talented. And Duncan can't even really twist that in his mind because it was made solid when Malorn took over Malistaire's duties instead of him. It was proven as a hard fact that Malorn was more suited to the job than Duncan was and is widely recognized as being The Best Death student (if the YW isn't a Necromancer)

Okay so fine. Whatever it's just Death right? At least Duncan can be the best at ANYTHING ELSE, maybe he's not the most talented Necromancer but there's 6 more types of magic to excel in!!!

But then another person ruins that. The Young Wizard poofs in from another world and suddenly, Duncan is overshadowed once more because a literal child prodigy and Local Hero arrives and literally saves their world and then, the universe. Multiple times in fact

Like bro I can imagine that could be at least a little bit painful for anyone, but imagine with Duncan's already low self-esteem and his fragile, large ego, he literally and genuinely took that personally and a hit to your pride is devastating for anyone, no matter who you are. That was like, Strike Three for Duncan and it was so very personal and important to him that it left him in a deep and vulnerable state

But I think the absolute saddest part of Duncan's downfall is that near the end, he was ultimately manipulated by an adult. A grown ass adult noticed and acknowledged his insecurities and purposely struck where it hurts the most, in his weakest state. Duncan already wasn't thinking clearly from the start but when everything went to shit for him and he was clinging, Gretta DarkKettle approached him and completely broke him down to make him into something else entirely for the Schism's benefit.

Of course Duncan was a piece of shit from the start but he truly didn't have any malicious intentions until Gretta messed with his mind. Like, he went from a pretty much harmless bully to an actual criminal of the state and a threat to the literal universe. Duncan was CORRUPTED and all of his worst fears and delusions were solidified the moment Gretta """validated""" those feelings Duncan had.

Is Duncan completely blameless? Fuck no he did some fucked up shit actually and I'm glad he was held accountable for it by the narrative and the fandom!!! But I think it's something to be said that at the end of the day, Duncan was still a child that was suffering from many type of issues before being recruited and manipulated by a powerful literal cult. Wizard101 does have a theme of malicious intending and less than responsible adults using children to get what they want (Malistaire, Morganthe's brother, GF Spider, GM Raven, coughcoughAmbrose) but unlike the Young Wizard who successfully stays true to themselves despite that, Duncan had a more Morganthe-like route and ultimately succumbed to it. Of course their situations are a lot different since the YW wasn't brought in by a cult, but you can't help but feel bad for someone so young being preyed on by older people who are supposed to look out for them and protect them from something just LIKE that.

I will always shit on Duncan because it's funny and hold him accountable for his actions because he should, but I also feel bad for him and I hope he had a better ending after he was defeated

[cult-of-the-eye]

Love spending at least an hour every week dissociating in the mirror painting my face with eyeshadow into avant garde makeup looks. It's pretty much free therapy.