#then she texted me happy birthday on my birthday in december and i ignored her

[judithbutlersdealer]

periodically i have to engage in the time-honored tradition of walking to work/uni and getting so unbearably sad and angry about my ex best friend fucking me over out of the blue while also fucking over basically everyone i care about while also making me lose my flat in the process. and then still having the fucking audacity to text me to ask how uni is and wish me a happy birthday. how about you go choke you deluded bitch 

[veronicaphoenix]

Chapter tags & trigger warnings: slight angst, but basically best friends' fluff, Japanese folklore. | Word count: 1.4k | Cross posted on AO3. | Series masterpost. ✧.*

General trigger warnings: This work addresses and depicts issues related to addiction and violence, contains explicit sexual content, and explores themes of childhood trauma. Reader discretion is advised. +18

Months were passing by, some quicker than others, and my condition worsened at times, particularly when I found myself without any updates from Lia for more than a couple of days. Despite my attempts to convince myself otherwise —ignoring Grandma’s speculations and theories— there was an undeniable correlation. Whenever Lia was around, I couldn’t deny that I felt much better. The persistent cough subsided, the fever abated, and the general malaise faded, if only temporarily.

A week before Thanksgiving, I awoke to a text from Lia, and we exchanged messages for about ten minutes before she went offline.

Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang and when I opened the door, there she was, all fresh and lovely while I was still in my pjs and trying to adjust my eyes to the bright light of the day.

Jesse and Jolly were absent until December first, so I was alone in the house with my music and my coughed-up flowers. Mitch was also on tour with the band he worked for, which possibly explained Lia’s unexpected visit, a radiant smile on her face as she conveyed that she was there to make sure I didn’t die.

“Very funny,” I mumbled as I let her in.

She pecked my cheek and headed towards the kitchen, her jasmine scented perfume leaving a trail from the door to wherever she went. She asked if I had already had my breakfast. I hadn’t.

“Perfect,” she replied, cheerful. “I brought some things from that bakery that Jolly loves so much. You can send him a picture and make him a little jealous.”

“That looks too much for breakfast,” I said, frowning at the three bags full of foil containers and little brown packagings she was depositing on the kitchen island.

“I also brought lunch,” she said while taking off her coat. “I know it’s early, but it’s been a while since we treated ourselves and I know you probably haven’t been cooking much if you were sick, so…”

She looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes. So, what could I say?

Her gaze swept over the clean surfaces of the kitchen. Everything was cleaner than usual. Jolly wasn’t one to spend much time cleaning, even after years of sharing a living space and countless arguments about keeping the dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink.

“But we should prepare something healthy for dinner, if you’re feeling ok, of course.”

“I’m okay,” I replied, peering into the containers she’d brought. Besides from a crazy number of pastries and sandwiches, Chinese. She definitely knew how to spoil me.

When I said that, my tone unintentionally carried a nuance I hadn’t meant to express. I was fine, really, happy to have her home, especially with Mitch miles away and unable to keep her away from me. Lia, however, must have sensed something else and had other thoughts racing through her pretty head.

After devouring breakfast and spending a while together in the studio, working on the production of a couple new songs, we had lunch, and straight after cleaning up and sorting out the recycling, we settled on the sofa, our knees lightly brushing. I pulled a coin from my pocket, flipping it to decide between horror movies or fantasy. Lia chuckles as my choice emerged victorious. Retrieving the remote from the coffee table, I scrolled through the new fantasy releases on AppleTV.

Focused on removing the subtitles from The Green Knight, I felt Lia’s intense gaze fixed on me. She had been staring for at least two long minutes.

“What?” I inquired. “Do I have something on my face?” I lightly touched the side of my face.

“No,” she replied, suppressing a giggle. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I missed your birthday this year.”

Ah, so this was the internal struggle she’d been battling herself for since arriving. It was obvious because of the way she’d been behaving; something was gnawing at her, likely guilt. Lia had never missed any of my birthdays since we first became friends, except the year I turned eleven. She’d been bedridden with a severe cold. Even then, she had fought to come, but Cristina forbade her to leave the house. Probably one of the only good things she ever did for her daughter.

Though I wasn’t sure if her intentions had been for her daughter to get better or to just keep her from enjoying other kids’ company.

This year marked the second time Lia had missed my birthday. I pretended not to care, but I had gone to bed drunker than usual, and I couldn’t lie to myself; deep down, I couldn’t deny that it stung not having her there, making me laugh and getting constant hugs and cheerful compliments as we moved around the house to the rhythm of music playing through the speakers. The worst part had been that she wasn’t there because she was with her boyfriend.

Frowning, I reassured her, “You don’t have to apologize for that.” I genuinely didn’t blame her. We hadn’t made any pact to never miss each other’s birthday, after all, and Lia was building a life beyond the cocoon of our childhood and friendship. She had every right to do so. “You know I don’t really like celebrating it, anyway. The guys came home, and we just,” I shrugged, “got drunk. You didn’t miss anything.”

She hummed in response, appearing dissatisfied with my answer. Grabbing a folded blanket from the pile on the sectional, she covered her legs, removing her UGG boots and casually kicking them away with her feet.

I wanted to ask her then about her drinking habits. I wasn’t spending that much time with her anymore and I didn’t know how she was doing; if it was getting worse or if she was trying to keep it down. She didn’t look like she was in the right mood to discuss that that day, and the movie started before I gathered the courage to start the conversation. I decided it was best to avoid it for the day and I let the topic slide away.

Midway through the movie, Lia got up to prepare some afternoon tea. When she returned, she nestled beside me, ensuring her arm and shoulder pressed against mine as she warmed her hands around the steaming mug.

Fifteen minutes before the movie’s end, her phone buzzed, and her expression dimmed upon seeing Mitch’s name and number on the screen of her iPhone.

“Can you pause it for a sec? I need to get this.”

“Sure,” I said.

She excused herself outside, sliding the balcony door almost closed. I took the chance to go to the kitchen and fetch a bag of chips. On my return back to the sofa, I inadvertently overheard Lia’s muffled conversation through the glass, a gentle breeze coming in from the cold temperature outside.

“Yeah, of course. No, I’m just out with some friends. Yeah, we might be late. I will call you when I’m in bed.”

I wasn’t sure if she called him or not that night, but what I did know what that she stayed the night with me. We set up the pullout sofa in the studio and I borrowed her one of my t-shirts. We cooked dinner together and had breakfast outside the next morning.

There was a comforting familiarity in falling back into the routine we once had when we lived together. Silly domestic activities, such as preparing a meal together, passing each other things in the kitchen, one washing, the other drying up, and then letting ourselves fall in the sofa and settling comfortable with our skin touching as if it were the most natural thing between best friends.

By the end of the movie we chose to watch at night, Lia’s head rested on my shoulder, and her hand lay peacefully on my knee under the blanket. A pang of desire surged within me as the credits started rolling and she looked up at me with sleeping eyes, batting her eyelashes. I couldn’t ignore how fucking gorgeous she was. When she rubbed her eyes, I saw my eight-year-old best friend, sitting cross-legged in my grandparent’s spare mattress in my childhood bedroom, the first time she stayed the night.

We exchanged a few comments about the two movies we had watched that day, Lia annoying me with her persistent admiration for Dev Patel’s features and the way his brown eyes sparkled in that one scene and some other bullshit. She laughed at my expression and kissed me goodnight before she called it a night.

I stayed in the living room, gazing at the empty hallway, absorbed in the memory of her sleepy walk towards the bathroom. I pondered why she had lied to Mitch, why she hadn’t told him that she was with me. I hoped that it wouldn’t lead to trouble. I cherished these moments with her and would give anything to enjoy them forever, but not at the cost of jeopardizing her well-being.

[beefromanoff]

Going Under Ch. 29

summary: christmas. online comments. an emotional spiral. angst. new years. missions. heartbreak.

characters: Bucky Barnes x OC

soundtrack: exile - Taylor Swift and Bon Iver

warnings: fluff, pop star fantasy x love story, set in an AU where the Avengers reunite after Civil War, pre-infinity war, slight angst, hurt/comfort, lonely reader/OC.

author’s note: GUYS PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORKS PLS, first of all, so sorry it's been a million years! the holidays and my birthday and vacation and everything has just kept me too busy. i've tried to alternate between my other story (linked here) and this one, but I still hate that it's been so long. also, I know this story is a lot of your comfort fic, so I'M SORRY for the angst and heartache! just stick with me pleaseeee!

ilysm, thank you for reading! please let me know what you think!

chapter list

________________________________

The city lights glittered outside the panoramic windows of the penthouse, casting a soft glow over the sleek, modern furnishings. A fire blazing in the center of the living room illuminated Gianna’s gaunt face. The past month had taken the youthful roundness from her face and the twinkle from her eyes. Bringing her knees to her chest, she took a slow sip of her wine as she stared out the window at the New York night. Across the horizon, a sharp knife to her heart, glowed the trademark ‘A’ of Avengers’ Tower. 

The infamous building, once filled with laughter and shared moments, sat dark and empty. Gianna gazed through the floor-to-ceiling glass, her reflection staring back at her—a portrait of a woman who had lost something irreplaceable.

Her thoughts were a hurricane, a montage of memories that wrecked her mind and haunted the solitude of the room. The past months had unraveled like a thread, leaving behind a tapestry of emotions that she struggled to make sense of. The laughter from Thanksgiving with the Avengers echoed in her mind, but now it seemed like a distant melody she no longer knew how to play.

She spun the stem of the wine glass in her fingers, ignoring the blue glow of the phone on her coffee table. Texts, calls, social media alerts…nothing she cared to check. She knew what they’d say, all variations of the same headlines that had been running for weeks. 

Pop Star and Winter Soldier call it quits after whirlwind romance!

Gianna Cruz spotted on solo coffee run in Manhattan!

Who Made Gianna Cruz Cry?! Pop Star Spotted with Red Eyes Amid Split with Famed Assassin.

As bad as the tabloids were, nothing wrecked her like the truth that played on a loop in her mind.

---

Early December, New York

The glow of holiday lights adorned the city streets as Bucky and Gianna strolled through Central Park. Snowflakes danced around them, and the air buzzed with the energy of the season. 

They paused under a streetlamp, his eyes meeting hers. "You know, you're too good for someone like me," he confessed, a hint of vulnerability in his gaze.

Gianna chuckled, playfully nudging him. "Oh hush. You’re the first guy to ever think he doesn’t deserve me, and it’s one of the many reasons I’m certain you do."

Bucky's laugh echoed through the crisp winter night as he held Gianna’s hand in his own.

“If you say so.” 

---

Early December, Upstate New York - Avengers’ Compound

The soft glow of the evening sun streamed into Bucky's room as he idly scrolled through social media. His fingers danced over the screen, swiping through images and updates. A photo caught his eye—himself and Gianna, smiling, carefree, fingers woven together as they crossed a street in the city.

The initial wave of warmth quickly gave way to a sinking feeling as he caught a glimpse of the comment section. Many were positive, gushing about how good they looked together, how happy they seemed. Bucky couldn't help but smile at those.

However, as he scrolled further, the tone shifted. Harsh words leapt off the screen, cutting through him like a knife. They weren't strangers to him—the names, the insults—all a reminder of the Winter Soldier's haunted past that some couldn't let go. Comment after comment confirmed his darkest fears, the things his mind taunted him with late at night.

"Can't believe she's with a killer."

“Of everyone she could date, she chooses him? A freak of nature with blood on his hands?” 

“I hope he knows he’s ruining her life. He should be with a monster like himself, not someone innocent like Gianna. I hate this relationship.” 

“Does she even know everything he’s done? I can’t support her after she knowingly dates a murderer.”

"She deserves better."

The words became a relentless cascade, a torrent of doubts and insecurities that he had fought so hard to suppress. The shadows of his past seemed to stretch and loom, threatening the fragile happiness he had found with Gianna. He felt guilty, shameful, stupid for ever thinking he could escape them, thinking he could find some semblance of peace. 

Gianna's voice interrupted his thoughts as she cracked open the door to his room, a soft and cheerful invitation to join the team for dinner. A part of him wanted to tell her about the comments, to seek reassurance in her presence, but a darker instinct held him back. The shame was too great. Something nagged at him, told him maybe they were right. Their relationship was a fluke. Maybe she didn’t realize what she’d gotten herself into. Fear crept into his mind, convincing him that if he put those thoughts into her mind, even seeking comfort from them, they’d take root and she’d wonder what the hell she was doing with him in the first place.

Forcing a smile, he silenced the turmoil in his mind and pocketed his phone, choosing not to burden her with the weight of his doubts.

“Let’s go eat,” He put a hand on her lower back and kissed her cheek, ignoring the nagging feeling that at some point soon, he would no longer be able to. 

---

Christmas Morning, Avengers’ Compound

The cozy warmth of Christmas evening found Earth’s Mightiest Heroes lounging by the fireplace in the overly decorated living room. Gift wrapping strewn everywhere, the smell of hot cocoa and spiked cider filling the air. In a mess of holiday sweaters and new presents, the team fell into a quiet but comfortable silence. This had been an over-the-top, Hallmark-esque Christmas season. Thanksgiving had been the crack in the stoic dam that they all previously kept in place, and now the full on family festivities were unleashed. 

Wanda and Gianna had baked so many Christmas goodies that Tony swore he wouldn’t even be able to wear the Iron Man suit. They’d arranged a team “Secret Santa” after insisting the guys couldn’t be trusted to buy a good gift for everyone on the team, so they limited it to one person each and repeatedly reminded Tony of the $200 limit. 

An absurd number of stockings hung from the mantle, cramped and hung nearly overlapping, but everyone had their own. Christmas music had played over the built-in speakers in their living quarters since the day they’d touched down after Thanksgiving. The most surprising part was that no one seemed to mind the excess holiday cheer. 

Now, as Christmas Day wound down, it had all culminated in a picturesque holiday.

As the festivities wound down, Bucky caught Gianna's eye, his expression softening with a secret.

"Come with me," he murmured, jerking his head towards the balcony.

Gianna followed him through the common room, away from the heart of the celebration. They slipped out onto the balcony, a quiet alcove overlooking the snowy landscape.

Bucky handed her a steaming mug of hot chocolate. "Merry Christmas," he said, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Merry Christmas," she replied. The night air was crisp, and the stars above shimmered in a vast, dark canvas. One of her favorite things about being away from the city.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a carefully wrapped gift. "I made something for you," he confessed.

“What? Bucky…” Curiosity turned into wide-eyed surprise as she unwrapped the present. Nestled within the paper was a beautifully bound book. On the cover, in elegant script, read the simple title MMXXIII -- or 2023. The year they met. 

Her fingers traced the cover, and when she opened it, she found a chronicle of their tour—all told from Bucky’s point of view. He had meticulously compiled entries from his journal, filled with his thoughts and feelings about her, paired with photos both snapped by fans or paparazzi and by Gianna herself. It made for a comprehensive timeline of him falling in love with her. 

Tears welled up in Gianna's eyes as she flipped through the pages. Bucky's writing, which she’d read before, but to have it gifted to her with all the photos and scrawled footnotes and thoughtfulness…she felt dangerously close to melting into a puddle on the ground.

"I remember the first time I saw you on stage," he recounted. "There was this light about you. It drew me in, and little did I know, it would change everything."

Gianna was speechless. Shaking her head, she looked up at him with watery eyes. “This is, undoubtedly, the best gift I have ever been given.” She leaned forward to kiss his cheek. “James Buchanan Barnes. Thank you. I love you.”

His chest tightened. No matter how many times he’d heard those words come from her mouth or said them back to her, they never felt any less miraculous. 

“I love you too, G.” 

Giving a shy smile, she stood. “I have something for you, too. Be right back.” She darted through the doors. 

Returning swiftly with her guitar in hand, she plopped back down on the chair beside him. Her breath came out in steamy clouds against the cold air. Gazing up at him through her lashes, she began to strum.

“This one is called…My Hero.” 

As she played, her angelic voice echoing across the quiet night, Bucky felt his stomach twist. Sitting across from him was the most beautiful, kind woman he’d ever known. She told him she loved him. She slept beside him every night. Here she was on Christmas Day, singing a song about him. As her poetic words heralded him as her hero, he couldn’t help the guilt he felt reminding him that he would always be a villain.

---

New Years’ Eve, New York - Avengers’ Tower

The New Year's Eve party at the Avengers' Tower was a spectacle to behold. Tony Stark had outdone himself once again, transforming the common area into a sea of crystal champagne flutes and ice sculptures. The clinking of glasses and laughter filled the massive room. 

Sam had taken over bartending -- flipping bottles with flair while the actual paid bartender stood awkwardly to the side. Peter hung from the chandelier, showing off for a group of this years’ Sports Illustrated models. Steve and Nat, shared a quiet moment away from the dance floor, looking suspiciously comfortable together. Tony, to no one’s surprise, had been the life of the party. He bounced from the DJ booth to the dance floor to the bar, never being seen without a champagne bottle in hand. The atmosphere was infectious, a perfect ending to the year's highs and lows. 

Meanwhile, Gianna and Bucky had spent most of the evening cozied up on a plush couch toward the back of the room, taking it all in. Her laughter seemed to drown out the music and the crowd, Bucky's eyes glimmered with a softness that only her presence could invoke.

As the clock crept closer to midnight, the anticipation in the room grew. The sequin and glitter-clad Avengers had found their way together in the final moments of the year. 

Tony, ever the showman, took center stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, Avengers and friends, let's welcome the new year with a bang!"

The countdown echoed through the room, a chorus of voices rising in unison. Ten, nine, eight...He raised an arm, clad in one single sleeve of the Iron Man suit, and aimed it for the rafters.

Bang! Confetti rained down from where his shot hit as the clock struck midnight, and cheers erupted. Amidst the celebration, Bucky and Gianna only had eyes for each other as they pulled away from their first kiss of the new year, only feet from the barstools where their first ever kiss had been shared.

Gianna’s eyes were bright as she looked up at him, "I can't wait to spend this year with you."

Bucky, his smile carrying a mix of emotion, replied, "You're going to have an amazing year, G."

---

End of January

The Quinjet soared through the night sky, cutting through the clouds like a sleek shadow. Bucky, sitting in the co-pilot seat, stared out into the vast darkness. Steve glanced at his friend, sensing the tension in the air.

"Something's been eating at you, Buck," Steve finally broke the silence, his eyes focused on the controls. "You've been volunteering for every mission lately. More than usual. What's going on?"

Bucky hesitated, his gaze fixed on the city lights below. He was wrestling with a storm of conflicting emotions, unsure of how to voice them, even to his closest friend. Steve was persistent, his concern etched on his features.

"Bucky, we've been through too much for you to keep things from me," Steve urged gently. "Talk to me."

Bucky sighed, the internal struggle evident in his eyes. "It's Gianna."

Steve raised an eyebrow, silently inviting Bucky to continue.

"I can't shake this feeling, Steve," Bucky confessed, his voice laced with uncertainty. "Like I'm holding her back. Like I'm not good enough for her. I love her too much to see her stuck with someone like me."

Steve furrowed his brow, concern deepening. "Bucky, you've been through hell and back. She knows that, knows it wasn’t your fault, and she chose to be with you. You're not holding her back. You saved her life, remember?"

"But what if she deserves more? What if I can't give her the life she deserves?" Bucky's words carried the weight of his self-doubt. “She’ll always have to pay the price for my past. I want more for her than that.” 

Steve understood the root of Bucky's turmoil. He reached over, placing a reassuring hand on Bucky's shoulder. "You're not giving her enough credit, Buck. Talk to her. Share what you're feeling. She deserves to know. I’m sure if she had any idea you were feeling this way, she’d be devastated."

Bucky nodded, but his gaze drifted back out the window to the night sky. 

“Where did all this come from?” 

“I saw some comments online.” 

“Buck…” Steve sighed. “You can’t do that to yourself. None of us can go online without finding something day-ruining written about ourselves. It’s never good.” 

“At least you guys have saved more people than you’ve killed.” Bucky’s tone was gruff. 

“If we’re looking at deaths at our hands while under our own volition, I’ve got you beat by a long shot, pal. Hell, I bet even Pete’s got you.” He gave his friend a reassuring smile. 

“Yeah.” 

The conversation was interrupted by the Quinjet's navigation system signaling their arrival at the mission site.

"We'll continue this, Buck. But for now, focus on the mission. And don't do anything stupid until we can talk more.”

---

End of February

Sweat dripped from Bucky’s forehead as his fists pounded into the punching bag. 

The chains clinked as Bucky moved from the bag to the bench, his breathing heavy. The dim glow of the overhead lights cast deep shadows on his face, highlighting the lines etched by years of war and the burdens of a tortured past.

His inner dialogue was a relentless companion, the voice of doubt whispering in the hollows of his mind. 

She'd be happier without you. She could be back in New York, performing, living the life she deserves. She could find someone without your dark history. Someone she doesn’t have to defend.

The weights lifted and dropped with a controlled precision, the repetition an attempt to drown out the insistent thoughts. Bucky's jaw clenched, muscles straining against the heavy load. The gym became a battleground, his internal conflict manifesting in the physical exertion.

You're a relic of a bygone era, Buck. She deserves someone who can give her a future, not someone haunted by the ghosts of his past.

The voice echoed, each word a reminder of the perceived inadequacies he felt.

He moved back to the sparring area, still running from his own demons. The stark sounds of his combat training echoing in the empty space. The punches were precise, calculated, a dance of muscle memory and suppressed rage. His metal arm moved with deadly precision, nearly knocking the bag out of the ceiling with one blow.

Bucky paused, chest heaving, a sheen of sweat covering his body. His reflection in the gym's mirrored walls showed the anguish and exhaustion on his face. He spent more and more time in the training room as sleep continued to evade him. Despite himself, he couldn’t help but read more of the same comments that began this spiral in the first place. Subjecting himself to them felt like a fair punishment for everything he’d done, so he continued to scroll, hoping that facing the ugliness would somehow atone for his past. Instead, he found his guilt growing alongside the chasm between him and Gianna. 

The truth was, the weight of his past had woven itself into the fabric of his identity. He doubted if he could ever truly be what Gianna needed. He’d thrown himself into missions, avoiding time with her. When he looked at her face, saw her beautiful, earnest eyes…his heart cracked. He couldn’t stand to be with her and think of losing her. He couldn’t stand to be with her and stomach how much better she deserved. So he stayed away. 

He told himself she didn’t notice him sneaking out of bed every night after midnight, and maybe she didn’t at first. But as the weeks crept by, she felt him pulling away. When he came home between missions, he wasn’t fully there. She’d even asked Steve if something had triggered his PTSD, sending him back into a dark place. No matter what she tried, she couldn’t pull him back. Even when she initiated sex, he never seemed to be in the mood. She was at a loss. 

Their reality that had once been passionate, sweaty, tangled in the sheets had given way to a new reality. One where she pretended she didn’t hear him leave their room to go to the gym every night. One where he convinced himself his absence was better for her. One where neither of them felt happy. 

As he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand, a pang of realization hit him in the gut. 

I have to let her go. For her own good.

The gym, usually a place of solace, now echoed with the tortuous thoughts that crowded Bucky's mind. He stood there, caught between the pull of love and the push of self-doubt, wondering if sacrificing his happiness might be the only way to ensure hers.

---

End of February, The Next Day

The air in the common room hung heavy with tension, a storm brewing in the otherwise quiet evening at the Avengers Compound. The team exchanged uneasy glances, as the thin door to Gianna’s bedroom did little to mask what was happening behind it. Natasha shot Steve a concerned look, her instincts honed from years of reading between the lines. 

Gianna and Bucky stood on opposite ends of her room, the echoes of their argument reverberating through the walls.

"Why can't you just talk to me? Do you know how much it hurts that you're making this decision without even discussing it with me, without giving me a chance to change it?" Gianna's voice quivered with the rawness of her emotions. “I have to feel you pulling away for weeks, beg you to talk to me, and now…this?”

"I thought it would be easier this way," Bucky admitted, his voice heavy with regret.

Gianna shook her head, tears streaming down her face. "Nothing worth having is easy, Bucky. Love isn't easy. But you don't just throw it away because it's hard."

“I’m not throwing it away because it’s hard, Gianna. I’m giving it up because you’re better off without me, I -”

"What do you mean I'm better off without you?!" Gianna's voice rose, a crescendo of hurt and disbelief. Her eyes, usually filled with warmth, were now ablaze with anger. “You don't get to decide what I deserve, Bucky! All I did was try to love you the best way I possibly could, and this is how you repay me? By pushing me away? By dumping me?”

Bucky's expression was a mixture of regret and resolve. "I can't give you what you deserve, Gianna. You deserve a life without the shadows of my past."

“Bullshit,” Her laughter was bitter. "That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it.” 

She crossed the room and jabbed a finger into his chest as angry tears filled her eyes. “I know your past, all of it. You sat there in my hotel room and you decided to trust me with it. Not once have I judged you, not once have I used it against you, not once have I given you any reason to regret trusting me. So don’t you dare stand here and tell me I deserve better than your past when I saw all of it and decided for myself that it changed nothing.” 

His jaw clenched, the weight of his decision etched into the lines of his face. "It’s not about that, Gianna. I don’t regret telling you anything, but you deserve to be with someone without a past you have to overlook -”

“I don’t overlook your past, Bucky!” She cried. “I don’t love you because I can ignore everything you did, or in spite of who you are -- I love you because of who you are! Everything you’ve overcome, how strong and kind and good you are. I don’t want someone who has a perfect past, I want someone who knows how ugly the world is and chooses to be good anyways. I want you.” Her voice broke at the end as her rage gave way to heartbreak. 

“I would never be able to live with myself if I kept you from everything you deserve,” He spoke softly.

“You don’t get to decide what I deserve!” She interrupted, staring up at him with angry tears streaking down her face. 

 “You deserve a man who doesn’t get called a murderer when he walks down the street.” Bucky hissed. “Your kids deserve a father that hasn’t committed fucking war crimes. Hell, you deserve someone who can give you a family at all, because who the hell knows if I even can!” 

“That’s not fair,” She protested. “I never asked for those things from you.” 

“You shouldn’t have to ask for a good life, Gianna.” His eyes softened as he ran his fingertips down the back of her arm, a gesture that used to make her heart clench now shattered it even further. “That’s why I’m letting you go find it.” 

She wrenched free of his grasp and stormed out of the room, throwing the door open. The team looked up, caught in the crossfire of a relationship unraveling, unsure if they should acknowledge or intervene at all. Gianna ignored the audience as she whirled to face Bucky who’d followed her out of the room. 

“Do you know where I was before I met you?” Her eyes narrowed. “I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. The only people who cared if I woke up in the morning were the people who worked for me. I would go weeks without anyone asking how I really was. I was a spectacle, a circus act. I was a commodity.” She paused to take a shaky breath. “So this ‘better life’ you’re so nobly sending me back to? It doesn’t fucking exist.”

Gianna stepped further into the living room, finally acknowledging the group. “And do you know the worst part?” She gave that cold, foreign laugh again before turning back to Bucky. “You already knew all of that. You knew because I trusted you and I told you. Yet here you are anyways, sending me right back into the life I loved you for saving me from.” 

There was no sound in the room except for Gianna’s ragged breathing. The look of pure anguish on Bucky’s face was enough to break even the coldest heart. No one dared intervene, not when so much hung in the balance between them. 

“I spent months crying myself to sleep before you came along.” Gianna spoke softly, reigning in her emotions. “But what difference does it make now, considering for the past two weeks you haven’t even cared to stay in bed long enough to know that I’m right back to my old ways.” 

Her eerily calm delivery struck the final blow. Bucky’s face crumpled as he looked at the ground. Guilt rose up inside him. For weeks, he’d been avoiding her, sneaking out of their room, doing anything he could to deal with his own shit. Not once did he think of what that was doing to her. In trying to protect her, he’d been slowly breaking her heart anyways.

Gianna turned her back on Bucky, his broken expression still locked on the ground. 

“Can someone take me back to New York, please?” She spoke softly but firmly, eyes scanning the pained faces of her friends. Her fists clenched at her sides.

The group shifted nervously on the couch, unsure what to do. The recent tension between the couple hadn’t exactly gone unnoticed, but this explosion had caught them all by surprise. No one wanted to move, to acknowledge that this was real. To take Gianna back to the city would be to cement both of their broken hearts. 

“Nat?” Gianna’s lower lip quivered. “Please?” 

The redhead stilled beside Steve. His hand squeezed hers in reassurance that everything would be okay. It had to be okay. 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” Nat’s voice was soft, kind as she stood, weaving through the group. “Do you want to grab your stuff?” 

“No.” She didn’t look behind her as she turned to leave the room. “There’s nothing here I need anymore.” 

And with that, she walked away, leaving Bucky standing in the ruins of a love he was convinced he had to sacrifice.

---

Present Day, Mid-March, New York

Gianna's eyes stung with tears that wouldn’t come. For once in her life, she had no tears left to cry. 

The phone continued to vibrate, a cruel reminder of the messages she couldn't bring herself to read. The truth she didn’t want to acknowledge. 

Bucky Barnes had left her. She was alone. 

This time, no one was coming to save her. 

[dream-in-seoul]

Rant about friendships coming up:

Let me make this clear, this is about people in my offline life, not about anyone here. I actually have multiple kind people checking on my wellbeing here and i appreciate you all so much even if I don't have much energy to reply and be cheerful these days 💜

However I just want to rant about how friendships have changed in the recent couple of years, at least for me and maybe someone else will find solace in my ramblings.

Ever since I became chronically ill, I lost most of my friends I made at university. Eventually, I stopped reaching out to people to hang out or talk to them because it was clear they were not interested. As my health declined, I was no longer able to travel across cities easily to visit them, and no one ever visited me. I always suggested we Skype instead, but to my surprise, people never wanted to. Now I am realising they wanted to go out not hang out with me.

One of the longest friendships I have managed to keep slowly fizzled out, probably ended already without me knowing and it is breaking my heart a bit.

This friend was willing to Skype me sometimes as it helped her pass the time when working on her art, however then she wanted to change her way of living and wanted to go out only. So I always travelled to see her and I spent the day walking around with her, hiking etc. no matter the time or weather. My friend knew how bad my health became and that hiking in heat made me close to passing out (I probably have pots) and sick and it would put me in bed for days or weeks. I always tried to be cheerful. I was happy to see my friend, but she would often lecture me about how bad my fitness was and how i would not feel as sick if I moved more (at the time I was still forcing myself to do daily walks and I had more movement daily than her).

Then she would ignore me for a few months when she had events to go to. I would get to listen the stories and sometimes was a little sad. I was never invited.

The last time we saw each other was in December. My body was throwing another issue at me (which is still lasting I am afraid) and I stood up for myself for the first time and asked whether we can skip the walking and stay in a cafe instead as I knew that even just the journey there will be harsh. My friend agreed and we sat down for a nice lunch as she told me about all the things she was watching, working on and the events she has been to. Then she told me about her new trainer and how he told her that he never tells his clients "not to do a certain exercise in a certain way so they don't fixate on it" which I guess makes sense. So I nodded and agreed and suddenly it went down the wildest rabbit hole.

I listened to my friend talk about how this works in everything in life and she will no longer listen to people's rambles about their issues because she doesn't want to go through the same thing as them because of it. If they tell her they are sick, then she would feel sick too, she concluded. (I highly doubt this is what her pt meant)

I was stunned. It wasn't hard to tell what she was hinting at. I just nodded. I respect that.

Then she asked about my worked, suggested I should either find extra work or "do something about it" and when I said, I don't think I can handle more work and that I am now dealing with a new symptom - I stopped myself and said: "I won't tell you about it of course since you have explained how harmful you find it"

"Yeah, exactly. Better not tell me, I don't want to be sick, too."

And I felt like shit. I didn't know what to talk about. My life was falling apart and I couldn't even tell my only friend.

Few months later, few days before I was due to leave to Korea, she texted me to hang out. For the first time, I declined. I was on antibiotics and needed all the rest before my flight "that is valid I guess."

Then I wished her happy birthday when it rolled around a month later. She did not remember mine. I invited her to come meet my new puppy. Of course, she never came.

Now I don't reach out, nor do I think I want her to. I don't want a friendship where I have to fake happiness to make someone else feel better. What has happened to our friendship. "Problems are for therapy" is what I have heard way too often from people who has usually never done therapy and as someone who has - no, they are not. Sometimes you need a therapist and sometimes you need a friend.

I hate how therapy culture is ruining friendships. How people grasp all those out of context sentences that ruin our sense of community.

Yes, put yourself first. I always encourage people to do that. But if you take it to extremes, are all your friends beneath you?

Yes, you don't owe anyone anything. But don't you want to have meaningful relationships where you help out and they help out?

If you want sanitised friendships, you are not experiencing friendships.

But I don't know. Perhaps I am in the wrong here.

[foster-the-world]

Adoption is (slowly) happening

In December baby boys Mom appeared again. We haven't seen her in person in 2.5 years. Only on a zoom court call one time. She surrendered her rights directly to us at the TPR trial. It was all on zoom but she was very sweet. She thanked us and talked about how much she loves him. She asked for a conditional surrender. We signed to monthly visits and 2x picture check ins a month. We are more then happy to do all of that stuff. The more he can see her the better. We've never felt she was unsafe - only unavailable. She notarized the form and showed up to both zoom dates. We sent some text messages back and forth during the holidays. Then she stopped responding. So sad. I hope she comes back around someday but fear it will be a different phone and she didn't keep our numbers.

Its a relief to have the surrender directly to us. As far as we've been told he doesn't have any family available but its nice not to have to worry about someone coming forth now that he is free for adoption. I know some people think even after being with us for 2.5 years if a stable family member is available he should go to them. With the exception of his parents if they improved, I don't agree. Would I do anything for him, including giving him up if it was best for him = yes. Is there a chance unconsciously I'm just convincing myself with us is best because its best for me = also, yes. Either way there is not another option so with us he stays forever. Its certainly where he feels at home. We've got a new lawyer, new caseworker, new home study person. Lots of visits over the last couple of weeks. I think they are going to double his base rate. We did not ask for it but will take it. It will nice to have the padding if we need it for his OT or whatever comes forward in the future. Even the base rate was increased by $500 per month in the last few months due to some lawsuit. The money aspect feels odd but I'm not above taking things for my kids. We certainly spend more then they give us on each kid - as we should. Nothing is confirmed about the increase - so we will see. They are telling us adoption should be May/June. It will be over zoom. Which is anti-climatic but I don't care. As long as it gets done.

Have to decide if we will invite friends to log on. Seems kind of nice but also don't want to ignore adult adoptees who don't like making it a celebration. For me, the TPR was the sad day to acknowledge everything he has loss. I'm sure that will be an ongoing loss process. Adoption does feel more like a celebration but don't want to ignore his possible negative feelings in the future. We will think about it. For Bee we had our parents at the courthouse. One set of friends came to the restaurant afterward. It was a lovely day. My husband's Birthday, actually. Not sure baby boy's going to be willing to sit in front of the camera. Maybe will give him a lollipop and strap him in his high chair. We also need to think/finalize a middle name.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

It's my cousin's birthday and I'm being a petty bitch about it. She's been ignoring me/my texts for months - even when I begged her to come help me sort through my parents' stuff and pack when I had to move. I haven't seen her since my mum's funeral - almost a year ago and she didn't wish me a happy birthday on my birthday back in December. She only said it days later when I texted her about something and she actually replied for a change and it was like "oh yeah happy birthday by the way lol" . Even though she knew it was my first birthday after my mum died and everything was up in the air about my living situation.

So I'm ignoring her too like I'm 5 years old.

[gabapentinblues]

12.29.2024 nightly journal entry. (for anyone who wants to read about my life) tw; sh and substances

walked to seven eleven with my friend this morning and got coffee and a white monster and drank both right away so i really caffeinated and it felt nice. it was foggy and rainy outside but not that cold. wore the flannel i got with her yesterday at goodwill and the beanie i got for christmas. we dyed our hair yesterday and watched a horror movie, might watch another tonight. im trying to stay up later so im not sleeping so much and also wanting to have some more rituals and take better care of myself.

vi and i talked about me maybe getting a social worker but it seems really difficult for some reason. she tried to help me by looking things up before i left this morning which was sweet. she told me to mention it to my therapist so i probably will and maybe she can help me too.

i drove and hour back home n drank the rest of my monster and it was rainy, i called another friend bc she said her grandpa passed away suddenly yesterday but shes estranged from her family so she was feeling weird about the whole thing. i told her id come visit for the day.

stopped at home first and self harmed bc its just a habit at this point. i got blood on my clothes and didnt even care. i also cut on my forearm which i never do but i was just really craving that spot, i just dont like to bc its pretty visible and i dont have much space between my tattoos, but anyway it wasnt even that satisfying. i cut a lot and called my mom jbc i feel obligated to, we didnt really talk abt anything.

i still wanna tell her i just want to break my lease and move home bc i dont feel like i can do this anymore.

drove over to see my other friend and she made me more coffee, i visited w her and her cats. we're playing thru a video game together. i smoked a little even tho im trying to stop. tomorrow i'll try to go the whole day. we walked to target in the rain and i got some groceries i needed and discount press on nails

we made ramen w chili crisp which was really good. i talked about how i just still feel sad and fucked up about my break up and just depressed and lonely in general no matter what i do.

i texted another friend who im getting closer with happy birthday and she told me she cares about me and that she hopes i start feeling better soon. we've been texting back and forth today. i also heard from someone ive been talking with romantically on and off for a few months, im not expecting much there but maybe it will go somewhere. she wished me happy holidays and thats basically been it.

been avoiding the girl i kissed and had a nice date with at the start of december bc i dont trust myself to be able to maintain it and i just feel like she'll end up disappointed or just totally disinterested bc im uninteresting and unhappy so often. it just feels like another austin situation where she'll just get bored of me and i'll like her too much and be left behind.

got back to my apartment as it was getting dark without self harming again even though i really thought about it. avoiding all the dishes in my sink and avoided eating dinner. what i ate at my friends was fine. i had a breakfast and a lunch and the meds i needed to take. put on my cheap press ons, listening to music.

took a lot of gabapentin and i have a bad headache rn that i thought would go away but im just gonna ignore it. getting used to using this chromebook. i wouldnt have typed a post so long otherwise. maybe i'll do these every night, idk. ive missed typing on a keyboard. and knowing that my journal entries are going somewhere other than my notebooks is kinda nice

i guess its just another way to process things. maybe i'll work on writing styles and making it readable and engaging. for now its just stream of conciousness.

trying to drink enough water. gonna do my skincare. pick a movie to watch, and maybe set up a few more things on here before i go to sleep. maybe i'll read a little bit too. i want to start feeling better, i want to feel like im working towards something. im tired of everyday feeling like endless sameness.

anyway, goodnight

[writingsofabadwriter]

A Memory.

My 20th birthday. I was actually excited for once. Finally, I was leaving my disastrous teenage years behind me. I had been moved out for 11 months, and all I wanted was sushi. I don't even remember what else was gifted to me that day. My stepdad, on the other hand, was in a bad mood. Overwhelmed possibly. Maybe he had a bad day at work, or he just didn’t like the sight of me anymore (I had been visiting for two weeks). Whatever it was, it wasn’t going to stay solely his problem. 

My birthday takes place at the very end of December, the 30th. Cold, cold winter. Christmas is right before my birthday, New years directly after it. But the 30th is my day. Again, I am actually excited. Plus, I’m not in school so I don’t feel bad about strangers forgetting it’s my birthday. 

The day before it, my dad had told me how unimportant it was. “We’ll do more for your 21st, your 20th isn’t a big deal.” It still stings, actually. But whatever, I don’t let him get to me.

 The day of, I don’t do much. I sleep in until 11am. I don’t eat breakfast. My dad is at work, so is my younger brother. My mom is also working, but she’s worked from home since I was maybe five years old. She wishes me a happy birthday with a big hug. I think my stepfather must have sent me a text, “Happy 20th.” All is well, but I feel it. Regret for staying at his house. Then, we’re driving up to the biggest small town near us to eat at the local sushi place.

 It’s special, my mom had to make reservations. My dad is going to meet us there, so I’m able to have a bit of peace on the drive up. When we get into town it’s busy. A Christmas tourist trap, and the holiday is still in full swing. I know my dad hates this time of year, so I try to brace myself for his bad mood. And oh what a bad mood he was in. 

It was immediate. Complaining about the people, about the restaurant. How he didn’t want to be there. After his complaints he goes in for a hug, it’s unwanted. I think to myself, “Why do you have to be here?” but say nothing, weakly smiling at my mother who is giving me a pitiful look. She also says nothing. I try to see what my brother is feeling, but his face remains stoic. 

We go into the restaurant, it’s small and cramped, but the smell of meat cooking fills the air. And again, I’m excited. “What are you going to get?” my mother whispers into my ear. “I’m not sure, I’ll have to look at the menu.” I whisper back giddily. Looking at my father I can see the discomfort on his face. Oh well, I think, his problem.

It’s so busy that even with the reservation we have to wait for a table. Which is okay, I haven’t minded waiting for a long time now. We stand awkwardly, moving out of the way of drunk patrons, rich assholes and tourists. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, but I try to keep a smile on my face. My father does not. He’s complaining about something again, but I block it out. Me and my mom whisper to each other, ignoring him. Then he's complaining more. And more, and more. He asks if we even need to eat here, “Why is this so important? Why do we have to wait? This place is too busy, it sucks here. I hate this town. I hate the holiday season.” I hear it now.

I let it in, even though I tried so hard not to. Why is this so important, turns into, why are you so important? I smile at my mom again and tell her I’m going to use the bathroom. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Please don’t be occupied. Hurry up, get out of my way please. And then I’m there. Lucky for me, the bathroom is empty. When I open the door I see a single toilet, a sink, bamboo art decoration, and dark green walls poorly painted with vines. It’s not particularly dirty, just a tad run down and very small. Closing the door I realized how loud it was out there. At first the quiet brings a calming feeling, then my thoughts start to swarm. 

Something about the noise must have suppressed them, and the once welcoming quiet becomes overwhelming. Why doesn’t he just act like a father? It’s not a new thought, it’s something I’ve questioned my whole life. I disregard it and turn the thoughts inward. Why can’t I just ignore him? How could I let him get into my head? I didn’t even have to use the bathroom, I just thought I could escape him. But he’s ever more present there. He should just leave! Maybe telling him he can go home will make him feel better. No, then he’ll turn his anger towards me. I just have to ignore it, why can’t I just ignore it? In that ugly, cramped bathroom, I sit in a corner with my head in my hands.

Tears well up in my eyes. I’m so dramatic, I think to myself. Then it’s my fathers voice, Stop moping, you’re being ridiculous. My head is drumming with pain. I gasp for air, only then realizing I had been crying. Not even just crying, sobbing. I want to scream. My chest aches. It feels like it’s being stepped on. Like the air is being sucked out so forcefully my sternum could collapse. I bang my fist into the floor over and over again. Pain has always had a way of bringing me back. This time it barely works, but I’m able to stop myself from crying more. 

When I stand up, I go to look in the mirror. “God, what a fucking mess.” I mumble. It looks like I’ve run a mile, my face is blotchy and my nose is runny. I don’t remember crying so hard. I sit on the toilet seat with a dampened paper towel in my hand, tapping it on my cheekbones and forehead. Just breathe, shh just breathe.

After 5 minutes of that, I look into the mirror again. I don’t feel anything. I wipe away my smudged black eyeliner, fix my brows, smile and breathe some more. Presentable enough.

Leaving the bathroom I see my family still waiting. My father found a bench to sit on, but his face remains stern. Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything. I wonder if my mother said something to him while I was in the bathroom. Doubt it. 

We’re there for maybe five more minutes, then we are finally able to get a table. Whatever happened during dinner, I don’t particularly remember. Everyone is quiet. We eat. My mother and I keep a steady conversation about something. I giggle at my brother, and try not to look at my father. 

The second we pay the bill, my father gets up. He drove himself and my brother there, so he asks if my brother wants to ride back home with him. My brother declines. So then he’s off. We follow behind him, but take our time. When we get into my moms vehicle my dad was already gone. 

“Why does he have to be like that?” I ask openly. My mom responds, “Honey, he was just having a bad day. Don’t let it get to you.”  The response I get answers nothing. “But it’s my birthday, and he’s acting like a complete asshole.” “Do not say that. Leave it alone.” I look at my brother, he appears utterly detached from the situation. Fine, I think. “Can we get ice cream?” I try to say in a cheery tone. “I’m not sure. Maybe.”

 Then my mom’s phone rings. It’s my dad. When she answers he’s immediately yelling, “Some punk kid just ran in to my fucking car, Shannon. God dammit. I hate these fucking tourists, we shouldn’t have even come here. This is so fucking stupid.” My mom asks if he’s okay and if there is any damage to the car. “No, I’m fine, the car is fine. I just can’t stand this fucking place. I’m going home, see you there.” and hangs up. 

I laugh, and I laugh. I have a breakdown, and I laugh some more. Through breaths I manage to say, “he’s always talking about instant karma… look at him now. Oh my God, this is too good. Oh my god.” I’m still laughing, I genuinely can’t hold it back. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear my father got into a (small) accident. My mom seems angry at first, but when she looks at me I can tell she had similar thoughts. My brother almost looks worried. We drive down the road a bit, and then we see it. The little accident my dad got into. He’s still there, so he comes up to my moms car and complains some more. I snap a blurry photo of the ordeal. This is too good. 

The kid who hit my dad is panicking, but my dad just tells him to fuck off and that it doesn’t matter. Then gets into his car and drives home. But, police show up before we can get out of there. They make us go to a parking lot to sign papers,  and the kid awkwardly tries to apologize to my mother. The police tell us my dad shouldn’t have left, but they’re not going to do much about it because of the holidays. We always get stuck with my dad’s mess, I think to myself. I giggle a bit again, What a dramatic way to think. My mom tells them we aren’t going to press charges and that the kid can leave. Then we wish them happy holidays and new year, and leave. 

“So… Can we get some ice cream?” I ask. She thinks to herself for a bit, then responds, “Sure.” I look at my brother, give him a smile, and wonder about what type of ice cream I’m going to get. 

When we get home, we are in a much better mood. We had a time at the store, giggling and making jokes. I wanted Oreo ice cream. Not only for myself, but for my dad. I knew he’d like it, and maybe that’d put him into a better mood as well. At home my dad is sitting in the living room, playing some game on his phone. “We got ice cream!” I sing, looking at him for some form of gratitude. “Cool, I’m gonna smoke.” He responds, getting up and leaving for the garage. 

I roll my eyes. I’ve put the wall back up again, piece by piece. He’s not getting to me again tonight. I refuse to let it happen. While he’s in the garage my mother gets out bowls and spoons for us. We each get a big bowl of ice cream, as I’m eating I ask if we could watch a movie. “I don’t think so honey, it’s late and everyone is tired.” I sigh loudly, but say it’s okay. We all go and sit in the living room.

My brother finishes his bowl first, gives me a hug and tells me goodnight. “Goodnight, Joshua. I hope you sleep well. What a night.” “Yeah, I will. Happy Birthday.” He says back. He looks exhausted now, so I don’t tease him about going to bed so early. 

Looking at my mom I ask again if we could watch a movie. Actually, I beg, whining like a dog, “Pleeease…” She glances at me. I can see that she feels bad for what happened, so I use it as a reason to make her stay up with me. “Fine.” She finally says. We pick out a movie, and though I don’t remember what we watched, I felt loved that day. Finally. 

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Hi!!! I love your blog and the effort you put in each post and answer! Especially your gif choice 😂 You truly are a gift to this fandom! Okay now for my ask: Can you rec me some missing and assumed dead Stiles fics? Bonus point if he got injured in front of everybody then went missing.

Thank you so much, @peachicicle!

Three Finger Promise by bramblerose4, PixiePink

(1/1 I 923 I General I No Pairing)

Derek starts his search for Stiles when he disappears from the Hospital.

You Salvage The Ashes Of Who I Once Was by Lamely_Me

(1/1 I 1,929 I Teen I No Pairing)

Peter has been hunting Stiles for months now when Scott has come up empty in all ways possible, to absolutely no one's surprise. It takes time and expenses and desperation, but Peter does find the human.

Except that the boy is no longer human.

Peter has a decision to make.

(robin) by orphan_account

(8/? I 2,306 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles disappears one night.

He returns ten years later, barely what he was before and nothing like he pretends to be.

Don't (You) Forget About Me by LauraHaleIsABaddass2K21

(8/8 I 17,014 I Teen I Sterek)

"What the hell is a Stiles?"

*

Stiles' fingers shook as she sent the text - possibly the last words she would ever communicate to anyone. Stiles wanted to believe it was a good plan, that it would work, but that lingering doubt in the back of her head made her dizzy with nausea. This might be it.

Well, at least it's not something stupid like tripping down the stairs, because really, that was a bullshit way to go.

The lightning marks were fading, and it was waking up, and she could hear them coming. Well, shit. It was now or never.

Or: The ghost riders came earlier, and Stiles is a BAMF

I'll suffer to save you by Malia_777

(25/25 I 32,713 I Mature I Sterek)

The pack go on vacation to Priory Lake and everything starts off well but Stiles is taken by a sinister figure on the first night. His friends need to figure out with the help of some others where he is and save him, there are things planned for Stiles and they are not rainbows and unicorns but things of the other type of 'dreams'.

Derek is selfless in this fic, he looks out for Stiles and even though it means he suffers some horrible things. There is violence. suffering, physical & psychological torture. Eventual (Sterek) and happiness.

Don’t Know What You Have Until It’s Gone by Dextolan

(17/? I 35,398 I Not Rated I Sterek)

Stiles goes missing a day before his birthday. No-one notices until they find the bloody baseball bat.

Pure as the driven snow by RenSweets

(12/? I 68,033 I Explicit I Steter)

It was a stroke of Luck Peter found him.

It is Stiles lack of Luck that continues to harm him.

This is Gonna Take Me Down by CharWright5

(14/14 I 123,386 I Explicit I Sterek)

Deputy Derek Hale had gone into December believing his biggest issue would be ignoring that giant holiday at the end of it. But with only days left before Christmas, he's now dealing with a meddling sister, a vigilante group killing Supernatural creatures, finding out his partner isn't quite human, and his ex showing up outta nowhere after disappearing three years ago without an explanation. Happy freaking holidays indeed.

The Madness Within by Uthizaar

(34/34 I 185,574 I Explicit I Steo)

Theo was Stiles' boyfriend, until the relationship soured after Theo tried to steal Scott's Alpha powers and manipulated Scott using Stiles' killing of Donovan. But after the torment he endured underground, Theo is willing to do anything so he doesn’t have go back, and he figures finding and saving Stiles will go a long way to settling his debts. What happens between him and Stiles after however…

[annamaria5111]

Be patient with others

Today I will tell you about one old friend. 

In May 2021 I had to share one room with a girl as flatmates. So, I did not know her, but we became friends and we discovered that our life stories were almost identical. I have a lot of memories with this girl and once we finished that schoolar year, we remained friends. I met my boyfriend because of her and last summer we spoke a lot.

When the school started in September 2021, I had to share the room with other girls, but I had one tradition with her: every morning we met in a place and we went together to Highschool. On 5th November was my birthday and I celebrated it with my family(18 years). On 15th December was also her birthday but I could not go to it(she got 18 years too).

The thing is that she was extremely toxic. She knew about the Law of Attraction and she forced a lot the 3d. She manipulated her boyfriend and she persuaded me to do the same. She talked bullshit about my boyfriend and she was negative in general. I could not live in the end or do my affirmations because she triggered me every day we meet. 

So, after her birthday(I had some problems and I could not go and she was not at mine too) my friends advised me to finish the friendship with her. I did it. I removed her from my life and everything was better since that day. I got into the Law of Assumption, but I have not told her about it. I let her believe into her visualization methods from Law of Attraction.

I just cut off with her and I have not responded to her texts anymore. One morning I met her suddenly on the street and she screamed at me. She told me that I was jealous of her relationship and a lot of things. She also told me that I do not know how to quarrel, but honestly, that day I was so calm. I did not react to her scene and I let her tell me whatever she wanted. I knew that I am the God of my own reality and I did not care about her opinion anymore.

To be honest, the most hurtful thing was when she told me that she knew me, That action made me realize that nobody could know you, only you have this privillege. Because of the fact that we shared the same room, she admitted that she knew me and she told me that I was jealous. How to be jealous when I know that I am the operant source? I am happy when I see that people are happy. I want to study psychology in order to help people, not to be jealous on their success stories. It was not about the jealousy, she was just too proud of herself, too negative, toxic. I know that I have the ability to change her and to be friends again, but I do not want it. I want to take this friendship as a lesson. I met the most extraordinary man on this Earth because of her and I take this as a win.

The moral of the story?

Be patient with others. If you have toxic people in your life, please get rid of them, or see them in a good way, manifest that they bring you only good benefits.

Do not force people believe in the things in which you believe. Some people like to live in ignorance and do not forget that they behave based on your assumptions.

Maybe you are a begginer and you manifested unconciously some toxicity in your life. All you have to do now is not blamining yourself, you have to stick to your new story. Imagine yourself being in my situation: you are me and your circumstances are that girl. Be brave, stand still and do not react to her screams, pretend that you do not know how to quarrel/fight and if you not give them too much attention, they will disappear from your life. 

Thank you Andreea, because you made me realize that I do not have to force anything in order to get whatever I want...

[13uswntimagines]

12 Drinks and a Kiss for Christmas (Sam Mewis x Reader)

Request:  uswnt x baby reader where their birthday is 3 days before Christmas and so the team tries to make it like extra special cause people usually just kind of ignore readers birthday. 

But @literaryhedgehog​ and i went slightly off the rails and had way too much fun making a drunk version of the 12 days of Christmas. 

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

“One shot of bourbon whiskey,” you sang, modifying the words as one of the most infuriating Christmas carols came over the radio. You didn’t hate Christmas, you just hated the fact that it swallowed the entire month of December like a black hole. Hell, it took up November too (minus the last Thursday reserved for Thanksgiving). The music was inescapable, and any event planned in the month risked being decorated with whatever leftover trees and red and green trinkets someone had laying around. 

Any child born in December was lucky if their wrapping paper wasn’t also holiday-themed. You should know- you had the misfortune of being born on the 22nd. 

“That sounds like a change I can get behind,” Sam said, sliding into the chair next to you. “Never really understood why someone would want a bunch of birds. I mean towards the end of the song the lover starts giving dancers and pipers, and like, I know that probably means they were hired for the day, but still. An alcohol-themed song seems more my style.”

You laughed, “Happy to help.”

You bumped her with your shoulder, smiling up at her. You were friends with most of the women on your new team, but Sam was one of your favorites. She got your sense of humor, a sort of dry and quiet sarcasm that was a bit subtle if someone didn’t know you. But despite how incredibly cuddly her tall frame was, she was also completely willing to spend an afternoon exchanging barbs under her breath as you watched the significantly less subtle flirting going on between Mal and Rose. You had bets on when the oblivious forward and midfielder would admit their feelings for each other. 

“Wait,” you paused in your thoughts, frowning up at her. “I thought everyone was already gone. I took my time in the locker room because I didn’t think anyone was still here.”

“The first van already left, but I didn’t want you to have to ride with Carli and Becky by yourself,” Sam said bumping you back. 

You smiled up at her, then leaned over to grab the shoulder strap of your bag, “Well I guess we shouldn’t make them wait any longer-”

“Oh no it's fine!” Sam said, quickly. “They needed to run to the store anyway to restock our Oreo supply, they promised to text when they got back.”

“But Dawn said no more Oreos until after the Friendlies are over,” you pouted.

“Well Dawn isn’t driving the van, is she? Thus why Carli and Becky waited to run to the store until after the first van left. So nothing to do while we wait except rewrite the words to the twelve  days of Christmas, right? What should replace two turtle doves?” 

“Body shots…?” You asked, squinting your eyes. At least that would fit the tune. 

“I like it… Kind of annoying how well that fits actually. Are we going to make the entire song about shots now?”

You tapped your chin in through, quirking your lips. “Hm, not a bad idea, but I think it would get a little repetitive,” 

“Fair point. Okay, so the next line is three French hens. Do we want to make it three French wines, or is that too easy?”

“I think that’s cheating just a touch,” You smiled, holding up fingers a centimeter apart. 

“Ugh, fine,” Sam rolled her eyes, though that didn’t disguise for one second the grin on her face, “three mulled wines.”

“I think that’s acceptable,” you nodded. It fit like a charm. “four gin and tonic?” 

“Then four martinis. Come on short stuff, calling birds, martinis, they have the same number of syllables!” Sam exclaimed, slapping your shoulder. 

“Whatever. Five Gin fizzes,” You huffed, pouting playfully. You didn’t like to lose. 

“Oh, yum. I have no idea what that is, but it sounds delicious. How long again until we’re allowed to drink?” Sam whined. You both knew that one of the costs of your career included swearing off alcohol at certain points of the year. Especially hard alcohols. Something about feeding your body good foods so it could give you even the slightest of edges. 

“Too long,” You deadpanned. 

“Sigh,” Sam said, pretending to be melodramatic.  

“We gotta use grey goose in the next one. You know. It’s like a spin on the gooses. Guises? Whatever the correct pronunciation is,” you waved your hand dismissively. This would be much more entertaining if you were soused. 

I’m

“GEESE, you heathen. You’re right though. Ummm. Six grey goose toddies?’

“A vodka toddie though?”You looked at her skeptically.  “I’d rather share Emily’s Budweiser,” 

“Fine, fine,” she pulled out her phone and started googling drink options, muttering to herself (for your amusement, presumably) about ‘perfectionists’ and ‘just because someone knows so much about vodka’. “Um. There's a drink called a sunset? Or we could just go basic bitch and say six grey goose cosmos?’

“Well sunsets are made with tequila so a cosmo is more appropriate,” You mumbled. 

“The grey goose website says that you can make a sunset with their vodka. See, look at this, right there!” 

“Poppycock. They just want you to spend money in their stuff instead of Don Julio,” 

“But tasty has a recipe too, look,” Sam said, whining slightly. You weren’t the only one who didn’t like losing. 

You moved your head, dodging the screen. If you didn’t see it, then it didn’t exist. If it worked with Jill Ellis then it would work for you. 

“Just LOOK you obstinate bulldog of a human being!” Sam was giggling as she grabbed you to try and hold her phone in your line of vision  

“You can’t make me,” In your haste to pull away, you leaned too far over the edge of the bench. Before you knew it you were tumbling off the bench, pulling Sam with you in your effort to not crash out on the locker room floor. 

“Fuck, are you okay?” 

“Yeah,” You groaned, looking up into the woman’s eyes. You never realized there was a thin golden ring around her pupil before it melted into blue or the smattering of light freckles that covered her cheeks. You weren’t sure if you were leaning into her, or if she was leaning into you. All you knew was that after a few seconds your lips were lightly touching hers. 

An annoying buzz broke the two of you out of your daze, Sam’s phone lighting up in your peripheral vision. You reached out and grabbed it, since her arm was currently trapped under you. 

Saucy Sonny- need an extra 5, you up for keeping her distracted with your flirting for that long? 

“Fuck, you probably shouldn’t be reading that. What’s it say?” Sam asked, as she extracted her arm and tried to reach around to take her phone. 

“You were flirting just to distract me?” 

“No! Sonnets just- I was just supposed to talk to you to keep you in here until the party was se- and I spoiled the surprise. fuck.”

“So Sonnett didn’t dare you to kiss me?” You asked with a very small voice. 

“No, but she has been teasing me about wanting to kiss you for the last two months. I didn’t mean to- I didn’t want to ruin our friendship if you didn’t have similar feelings.” Sam ruffled the hair at the back of her neck. “What a way to screw up your birthday. First the kiss then ruined the surprise party, and--” 

“I think we should definitely ruin our friendship,” You interrupted, smirking,  and nudging the woman’s chin with your nose. You reached around to intertwine your fingers. “And I promise to act surprised, as long as there are more kisses in it for me.”

[miracleonice87]

juliaswinterwriting challenge, pt. 2

1. “Take another step and I can’t be held responsible for my actions.” with Mathew Barzal

a/n: finally! my second of two submissions for @wondershawns winter writing challenge. 6.6K. also features Mat’s boyfriend Beau lol. 

summary: Mat has been falling for Beau’s cousin Genevieve since the day he met her. the main thing standing in his way? her. 

warnings: swearing. alcohol. a smattering of angst. mentions of sex (not explicit). a healthy dose of fluff.

_____

Mat couldn’t have heard his best friend correctly. Convinced of that, he shook his head and tried to snap himself out of his stupor.

“Wait, Beau… what?”

“Yeah, Genevieve’s moving in with me,” Beau repeated casually, slapping a puck into the back of the net. “Finally convinced her. She just broke up with that idiot and she’s gonna go to NYU.”

The guys were on the ice at the practice facility for the first time since arriving back in New York after a long summer. They were conducting an informal skate to get their feet under them again, but most of the time had been spent simply catching up with one another — shooting pucks, yes, but also shooting the breeze. Mat had enjoyed the laidback nature of the on-ice session thus far, but he felt an undeniable jolt of electricity in his every nerve when Beau said that name — the one that elicited a thousand different feelings all at once.

Genevieve.

The girl who shared her cousin Beau’s big blue eyes and endless charm, but had a sassy wit and tender heart all of her own. The girl who was more like his teammate’s sister than a more distant relative. The girl who Mat had fallen for the very first day he met her, when Beau invited him to his family home in Quebec for a visit, now three summers ago. The girl who he’d been hopelessly, helplessly entranced by ever since.

Suddenly, a rubber disc was flying at Mat’s feet, the product of Marty dishing him a pass from the opposite side of the zone, expecting Mat to tap it into the goal as they’d already done a dozen times that afternoon. Instead, Mat let it whiz past him, only giving the puck so much as a glance when it bounced off the half-wall.

“Barzy!” Marty yelled from the far boards with a surprised chuckle, smacking his blade on the ice repeatedly. “Fuckin’ pay attention, kid!”

“You hockey much?” Beau teased, furrowing his brows at his teammate’s blank expression. Beau thought to himself that it looked as though Mat had just seen a ghost. “What’s’a matter with you?”

Mat turned to see Marty, Beau, Ebs, and Anders all looking at him as if he were a creature from a different planet. He cleared his throat and hunched once more overtop his skates, gliding in a tight circle before he faced them again.

“Nothin’,” he said nonchalantly, with a sniff. He put his stick to the ice and readied himself, trying to push Beau’s revelation to the back of his mind and focus on the task at hand. “Let’s go again.”

“Wait,” Marty said, putting a gloved hand up to halt the skating men around him. “I forgot. Isn’t Barzy, like, in love with that girl?”

Beau slowly turned his head toward Mat, who swallowed hard, trying to will his cheeks not to redden. Anders and Ebs chuckled, hands resting atop the knobs of their sticks.

“Shut up, Marty,” Mat nearly pleaded, anxiously tapping his stick on the ice. “Just... let’s go again. Come on.”

_____

In the three years since they’d first met, the math broke down pretty simply: Genevieve had had a boyfriend for all of those three years, until a month ago; Mat had kissed her exactly once on the forehead after putting her drunk ass to bed during a weekend visit to Beau’s; and they had made exactly zero progress toward becoming what Mat had always wanted them to be. Together.

One more number was soon added to the equation, not long after she moved to the city — the number one. Sponsored by the number of times they’d now had sex.

Genevieve’s twenty-first birthday fell right after she started at NYU as a junior transfer, when the Isles boys had just started camp. After a night at the club celebrating her, in a vodka-induced haze, with Tito’s attention wrapped up in a pretty blonde, Mat and Genevieve snuck away from the group, into an Uber, and off to his apartment in Brooklyn.

Mat realized immediately that he’d never felt a high like the one he did when she was kissing him, and he chased it all night long. He lost himself in her in every way as they melded together between his sheets.

He truly thought that her birthday was going to be the start of something between them. Something real. More than just a childish crush, stolen glances, and timid, blushing stares.

Which is why his heart broke when he awoke the next morning, after their passionate night gave way to dawn and the effects of the alcohol had faded, to hear Genevieve speaking quietly on the phone.

“Yeah, yeah, I went home with someone... No, you don’t know him. Just a guy from class.”

Mat felt a tightness in his throat and tried to swallow it.

“Shut up, Anth,” Genevieve said with a lighthearted groan.

Shit. Of course it was Beau.

“Brunch? Uh... yeah. Yeah, I can do brunch. I just have to come back to your place and change first... No, no, I’ll just grab an Uber. Yes, I’m sure.”

She was leaving. She was trying to sneak out of his place, while he was presumably still asleep. Despite that, pathetic as he felt for it, he didn’t want her to go. That was the last thing he wanted.

“Okay. Yeah, that’s fine. Okay, see you then. Bye.” Genevieve ran a hand through her dark locks and blew out a long breath.

“Who was that?” Mat muttered in a sleepy voice, making Genevieve jump. Despite trying to ignore it, he couldn’t help but notice the way she pulled his sheets tighter around her naked body at the realization that he was, indeed, awake. His chest clenched at the sight. Genevieve cleared her throat, stalling, before answering.

“That was Anth,” she said, tossing her phone on the bed in front of her. Mat watched the way her bare spine hunched as she sighed and then looked at him over her freckled shoulder. It took everything in Mat not to lean over and pepper her soft skin with warm kisses.

“He wants to go to brunch. The three of us. He’s gonna text you and invite you. He doesn’t know I’m here...” she spoke, wringing her fingers.

“Okay,” Mat said quietly, sitting up on an elbow. “Well, I’ll drive you back to his place—“

“No, no. I’m just gonna order an Uber,” she said hastily, followed by another long sigh. He wrinkled his brow, confused.

“We can’t tell him, Mat,” Genevieve said sadly, tossing him a forlorn glance, her fingers pressing into her temple. “We just... I can’t. I’m sorry.”

His heart broke a bit right then. In his mind, they would admit the truth about last night to Beau this morning, he would chirp them about it endlessly but be happy that they were happy, and they would all live happily ever after.

Evidently, Genevieve had different plans.

“So I’m gonna go, and then you can meet us at the cafe. Okay?” she asked, turning to face him straight on, seemingly so that he saw as little of her nude form as possible, despite having seen all of it last night.

Mat nodded, swallowing again. “You’re sure this is what you want?”

They both knew he wasn’t talking about the Uber. He was referencing something much more consequential than her ride home.

Genevieve pressed her lips together, looking down at her lap before meeting his eyes again. She nodded slowly.

“I just... I don’t think this is a good idea, Maty. I just got out of a relationship, and I don’t know how Anth would feel about...” She gestured between the two of them. Mat tried not to flinch, though he nearly did just that.

He nodded. Genevieve noted the pain in his eyes and averted her own to avoid being crushed by the knowledge that she had singlehandedly inflicted it upon him. Eventually, he found his voice again.

“Okay. Fine. I understand, I guess. I think you know how I feel about you, especially now, but it’s... it’s whatever you wanna do, G,” Mat said.

Genevieve blinked at him a few times, and for a fleeting moment as she opened her mouth, he thought she might change her mind.

His hopes crashed down in front of him as she shifted uncomfortably under the covers and requested, “Can you maybe just... look away while I get dressed?”

That time, Mat flinched.

_____

Mat couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw who was calling as he made his way home from the rink after practice on a snowy Monday nearly three months later, in early December. He pressed the green button on his dash display, said hello, and her fluttering voice filled his car.

“Mat… hi! Are you busy?”

Even if he were, Mat would’ve lied.

“No, no, not at all. What’s going on, G? How are you?” he asked as he switched lanes, fingers suddenly drumming on the steering wheel as nervous energy coursed through him.

Since the morning after they’d hooked up, the most they had communicated directly was texting half a dozen or so times, with Genevieve congratulating Mat on a good game or Mat asking if she knew where Beau was. Occasionally they’d bump into each other after a game, the ones she could actually make it to given her insane class schedule, or at the bar, and they’d both hug awkwardly and inevitably blush like schoolchildren. Mat missed her like hell, and he gently reminded her of that each time they touched base, but he respected her decision, even if he wasn’t fully convinced it was the right one.

Little did he know, Genevieve wasn’t fully convinced, either, but she willed herself to stand her ground, despite the sway he still held over her, without him even realizing it.

“I’m good. I’m good. Listen, um, I know this probably seems out of the blue, but… would you wanna meet up for coffee?” he heard her ask.

Mat’s brows shot up at her inquiry. He had long ago written off any chance at spending alone time with her and was caught off guard by her invitation.

“Sure,” Mat answered, though somewhat hesitantly. “I’d love to, you know that.”

She must have heard the surprise in his voice because she followed up with, “It’s just, I really miss you… and besides, there’s something else I need to talk to you about.”

Mat couldn’t keep the smug expression from his face. “Oh yeah? Other than just how much you miss me?” he asked arrogantly. He could practically hear Genevieve roll her eyes as she huffed into the phone.

“Just shut up and come here, you egomaniac,” she giggled. “I’m at my usual spot.”

“Alright, I’ll be there in fifteen. See you then. And, G?”

“Uh huh?”

A smile twitched at Mat’s lips as he replied.

“I’m glad you called,” he said, sincerity dripping from his words.

He heard the smile in her voice when she remarked, “I’m glad you answered. See you soon.”

_____

When Mat walked into the coffee shop minutes later, Genevieve was holed up at a corner table, notebooks and loose papers alike strung before her in a mass of organized chaos. She touched the tip of her tongue to her top lip and squinted at her laptop screen through her thick, tortoise-shell framed glasses.

Mat had never seen her wearing glasses before. Though he didn’t even think such a feat was possible, he fell a little more in love with her and became a little more tortured by her right then and there.

He approached her slowly so as not to startle her. As he came nearer, she didn’t even look up, deep in concentration as she typed. When she finally glanced away from her screen and toward a notebook across the table from her, Mat playfully crouched into her line of vision, tilting his chin upward as he waited for her to spot him.

Eventually, her eyes met his and immediately glimmered. She flushed slightly, putting her hand to her forehead with a groan.

“Oh, god, Maty, how long have you been standing there?” Genevieve asked, an apology in her tone.

Mat smiled and tried not to dwell on the way his pulse quickened when his nickname fell from her lips. “Long enough to observe that you might need your glasses prescription changed. You’re not supposed to squint at your screen like that, G,” he warned, approaching her and scanning the multitude of documents before her. “What is all this?” he asked, letting his gaze drift back to hers.

“It’s for my event this weekend. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,” Genevieve responded tentatively. “But first, coffee,” she said, reaching for her wallet tucked inside her bookbag.

Mat reached for her hand, pushing it away and shaking his head.

“No, c’mon,” he insisted. “Let me. What can I get you?”

Genevieve looked at their touching fingers as he slowly pulled his away, then she gave him that killer half-grin of hers and breathed a sigh, giving into him since she knew trying to protest was useless.

“How ‘bout a peppermint tea? I think I’m overcaffeinated at this point anyway so I should probably take it easy on the coffee,” she admitted with a chuckle as she tucked some hair behind her ear. Mat nodded.

“Smart girl. Tea coming right up,” he promised with a squeeze of her shoulder. Genevieve thanked him and watched as he sauntered to the counter to stand in line.

His hair was longer, and she thought it made him look even more handsome, if that was even imaginable. He caught her ogling at him as he turned the corner to wait for his order, and she simply pursed her lips into a tight smirk and tried to refocus on her notes. He tried to refocus on anything but her. They both were clumsy in their attempts.

When he returned, he placed a large paper cup before her and she wrapped her hands around it with an appreciative hum.

“You’re the best,” Genevieve praised. He waved her off as he took a sip of his cappuccino.

“So why have I been summoned here, G?” Mat then asked, teasing in his question.

Genevieve bit at her full bottom lip and Mat tried to force his eyes not to linger there as she snapped her notebook shut and readjusted herself in her chair, clearing her throat.

“Okay, so you know I’m taking this event planning class this semester? It’s part of my major. And our final project is to plan a large-scale event,” she began, and he nodded as he sipped at his coffee, amused by her bubbly mannerisms as she spoke. “Well, so… a friend of mine in class kind of accidentally let slip that I’m Anthony’s cousin, and it turns out that the prof is friends with some Isles execs. She suggested that I plan a gala to benefit the team children’s foundation, and obviously since the professor fed me that idea, I couldn’t really say no. Especially since it’s 50 percent of my final grade, and obviously because it’s for such a great cause.” Mat nodded again, already seeing where this was going, but not exactly minding it.

“So since you guys don’t play this Saturday night, Anth had originally told me that he would go and kinda be the face of the team for me, but he backed out this morning,” Genevieve said, playing absentmindedly with her fingers in her lap. Mat was getting ready to take another swig when she added that last little tidbit, and he narrowed his eyes at her as he lowered his cup.

“What do you mean he backed out? What the hell else does he have to do?” Mat didn’t try to hide his annoyance — Beau had practically begged this poor girl to come and live with him and go to school in New York, and now he was jeopardizing her academic future?

“I don’t know,” Genevieve shrugged. “He said some girl he’s been talking to bought him tickets to the Nets game on Saturday night and he—“

“Oh, you gotta be fuckin’ kidding me...” Mat spat, then noticed the disappointment in her features, and immediately softened. “So, what can I do to help?” he asked, deciding that he would deal with the Beau issue later.

She leaned forward, elbows resting on her knees, and drew a deep breath as she summoned the courage to make her request.

“I was wondering if... if you’d go with me?” she eventually mumbled.

Mat was certain he had misheard, just like that day months ago on the ice. He licked his bottom lip quickly and sat back in his chair.

“Say again?” he deadpanned.

“I was wondering if you’d come with me,” Genevieve spoke, clearer and faster this time. “I know I don’t even deserve to ask you a favor like that, and you probably already have plans anyway, and I—“

“G, stop,” Mat interrupted dryly.

“It’s not like you’re my second choice or anything,” Genevieve continued, talking with her hands just like Beau did when he got flustered. “I wanted to ask you — really, I did. Trust me. It’s just… I was afraid Anth would be weird so—“

“G, stop,” Mat laughed, his voice firmer this time as his hand moved to rest on her knee. “I don’t need an explanation. Of course I’ll come with you. I’d be honored.”

Genevieve finally exhaled, throwing her hands over her face in sheer excitement and shaking her head back and forth.

“Ugh, Mathew Barzal, I could kiss you right now!” she exclaimed before she could pay a second thought to her words. She covered her mouth then, eyes bugging behind her glasses. Mat couldn’t help but giggle at her reaction.

“Well, I wouldn’t be opposed to that,” he quipped softly as he raised his coffee to his lips once more, smirking pompously at Genevieve as she breathed a laugh.

As she launched into the details of the event — what he should wear, what she would need from him, when he could pick her up — he found himself spacing. No detail she shared much mattered to him — not really. It didn’t affect his decision. No matter what this would cost him, literally or figuratively, he was all in.

All in on the gala, all in on Genevieve. All in.

She was letting him in, however little, and he planned to take full advantage of the opportunity. 

Mat insisted on giving Genevieve a ride to Beau’s apartment after they’d finished their drinks, convincing her that she needed to take a break from working and get a change of scenery. Surprisingly, she complied. He realized as she sat in his passenger seat just how much he had missed the way he felt in her presence. The world seemed to be in full color only when Genevieve was by his side.

Sadly, the drive was a short one, and soon Genevieve was hurriedly pulling her bookbag into her lap as Mat pulled over to the curb near the building’s entrance. Preparing for her to jump out of the car without giving him a second look, Mat was surprised when he felt her fingertips grasp his jaw. She placed a lingering kiss to his cheek, closer to his mouth than could be called chaste, and smoothed her thumb across the stubble on his chin.

“I really have to go, even though I don’t want to, but thanks a million, Maty,” Genevieve said, beaming at him as she pulled the straps of her bag onto her shoulders. “I can’t wait for this weekend. Bye.”

With that, she was scampering off, throwing him one last smile before disappearing through the doorway.

With a pursed exhale, Mat rested his forehead against the steering wheel and tried to talk himself down from the clusterfuck his brain had just launched into at her actions.

_____

The week dragged on for Mat. When Saturday finally arrived, he took far longer than usual to get ready, even FaceTiming his sister for her recommendations on the best tie and shoe combination to match his navy suit.

When Liana furrowed her eyebrows, curious why he cared so much about what he wore to what seemed to her to be a fairly routine team event, Mat knew what was coming and braced for it as she opened her mouth.

“Is this like a date or something—“

“Goodbye, Liana. Thank you,” Mat said curtly, cutting her off and quickly ending the call. Of course, it rang again immediately, but Mat chose to ignore it and tucked the device in his pocket as he gave himself one last glance in the mirror.

When the phone rang yet again, he huffed, prepared to answer and then immediately hang up on his dear, annoying baby sister, when he noticed it wasn’t Liana this time.

Stepping into his closet to choose an overcoat, he smiled and tapped the green button.

“Don’t tell me you’re cancelling on me now, G,” Mat said, half in jest, half in masked terror. “I just got dressed.”

To his dismay, Genevieve sounded panicked on the other end of the line.

“Uh, no, quite the opposite, actually,” she said nervously. “I’m kind of — okay, well, completely — freaking out over here, and I was wondering if you could maybe come over early and convince me not to call my professor and tell her I’m sick so I don’t have to see what a complete disaster this night turns out to be?”

Mat had pulled on a coat and flicked off the lights in his closet while she was talking, and he shifted the phone to his other ear to respond once she stopped rambling.

“Don’t do that,” he said firmly. “I’m leaving now. Sit tight. I’ll be right there, okay?”

Mat heard her breathe a sigh of relief. “You’re the best, Maty,” she said. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

His smile widened — he was always happy to play the role of knight in shining armor, but it meant more to him to be able to play it for Genevieve. His chest puffed with each word of her gratitude.

“You’re welcome, love,” he said before he realized the pet name that fell from his lips. But he couldn’t regret it, refused to even try, so he bid her goodbye for now and headed for the parking garage to ride away on his white stallion — er, Cadillac.

Ten minutes later — after navigating a route that should have taken at least fifteen — he was on her doorstep, the dozen red roses he had bought that morning in hand. Mat tried to act as though he wasn’t surprised to find her still in a set of Beau’s Isles sweats, donning her glasses, with her makeup half-finished and her hair not yet fixed. He glanced at the clock above her head that indicated only about forty minutes until they needed to leave the apartment, but decided to ignore that minor detail.

“Hi, gorgeous,” Mat said charmingly, extending the flowers to her. “These are for you. For good luck.”

Genevieve’s lips turned up momentarily into a grin, then folded into a frown, and she looked as though she may burst into tears at any moment. Forcing his way in the door, Mat set the bouquet on the entry table and gathered her into his chest, resting a hand on the back of her head and rubbing small circles on her back with the other.

“Hey, hey,” he soothed. “What’s goin’ on, G? Talk to me, baby.” Oh, shit. Another pet name. He really had to stop doing that.

Genevieve seemed unaffected by the term, though, and drew a shaking breath before squeezing his waist tightly and stepping away.

“Everything! This event is gonna crash and burn and it’s all my fault,” she cried, flinging her hands skyward for dramatic effect.

“What do you mean?” Mat inquired. “And while we talk, why don’t we go to your room so you can keep getting ready?” he added, placing a gentle hand to her hip. Thankfully, she nodded, despite heaving a sigh. As he turned them down the hall, she let her swirling thoughts erupt.

“The caterer called an hour ago and said they didn’t put in an order big enough for tonight so they’re gonna have to supplement the food with basically whatever they can find,” Genevieve began as they entered her room, motioning for Mat to take a seat on her meticulously made bed, which felt far more intimate than he was prepared for, not that he was complaining. She sat on the vanity bench nearby and hurriedly applied eyeshadow to her lids, prattling all the while. As she spoke, Mat glanced down at the dress laid out on the foot of the bed on a hanger, and he swore he forgot his own name for a moment as he gaped at it blankly.

“And I specifically ordered peonies, not poppies. Like how the fuck does a florist mess that up! I just—“

“Wait, sorry to interrupt, but this is what you’re wearing?” Mat choked out, sliding the shiny fabric between his first two fingers and thumb. Genevieve nodded, hurriedly fastening on a pearl cluster earring smack dab in the midst of her blush and bronzer routine.

“Yeah, Anthony insisted on taking me shopping and made me buy the most expensive goddamn dress in the store for some reason,” she grumbled. Mat made a mental note to thank Beau profusely. “I told him I couldn’t accept it but — wait, why? You hate it, don’t you?”

Mat’s eyes bugged at her question before he swallowed hard, shaking his head furiously. “No, no, it’s just... you’re gonna look so unfair,” he chuckled. Genevieve gave him a disbelieving look.

“Hardly,” she disagreed, apparently not noticing how gone he was at the moment. “Anyways, it doesn’t matter what I wear because it’s going to be an absolute shit show.”

She threw a fluffy brush into her makeup caddy with a clatter, and Mat approached where she sat fussing over herself anxiously in the mirror. She couldn’t help but notice the way her breath caught in her throat when his long fingers came to rest on her shoulders, stretching to her collarbone as he gazed at her intensely in their reflection. She felt herself relax under his touch.

“I know you’ve convinced yourself of that,” Mat began, his voice low, slow, sincere. “And that probably nothing I say will change your mind. But even if the food is wrong and the flowers are wrong and it doesn’t look exactly how you pictured it, it’s still gonna be a success. Because you made it happen. And you’re the most organized, most dedicated, hardest-working person I know,” he said as she finished applying her lipstick and sat up straight with a long, calming breath.

“And you’re the sweetest person I know,” she admitted airily. Mat beamed, squeezing her trap muscles. “Thank you,” she added, her hand finding his and bringing it to her lips, their eyes never straying from one another’s in the mirror until she stood up to face him.

He threw her hair over her shoulders and gawked at the perfect placement of her makeup, however much she had rushed its application.

“Makeup,” Mat spoke, drawing a pretend v-shape in thin air. “Check. One thing at a time.”

She snickered a bit, her hands ghosting across his suit coat for a moment, enchanted, before she snapped back to the task at hand.

“Okay, I have to go curl my hair, and then get dressed. And then, I’m ready,” she promised as Mat nodded and slowly returned to his seat on her bed. As she pulled a pair of strappy heels from underneath the bedskirt, he smiled down at her so fondly, and she realized she wouldn’t mind having him sitting right here more often.

Certainly wouldn’t mind.

She tossed Mat a wink as she picked up the dress, too, and hustled into the bathroom, suddenly feeling much more confident than she had without his presence — his reassurance.

Fifteen minutes later, after chattering with Mat through the door while taming her hair, she pulled on the dress and smoothed her hands over the skirt of it, tugged on her heels, and pulled open the door.

Mat stopped abruptly in the middle of a story about razzing her cousin at practice and stood to his feet, neither moving an inch.

Finally, Genevieve sighed and motioned toward her attire.

“So?” she spoke simply. “Acceptable?”

Mat scoffed, literally scoffed, and repeated, “Acceptable?” He rubbed a hand over his mouth and couldn’t help the boyish giggle he let out. “More than acceptable, G. You look... wow. Incredible. So incredible.”

Genevieve could admit to herself that she was pleased with his reaction — in fact, she couldn’t quite seem to detach her eyes from his face as his stare roamed her figure. She leaned against the doorpost and smirked.

“Remember what I said earlier this week? About how I could just kiss you right now?” she asked mischievously. He nodded slowly, eyes still studying the way her dress pulled tight in exactly the right places, then finding their way back to hers. “Kinda feeling that way again right now,” she added.

He exhaled sharply, standing up straighter, as she took a couple of paces toward him.

“Is that so?” he teased. She nodded, chewing at the inside of her cheek. Mat hummed in anticipation as she came ever closer. “You sure about that?” he asked firmly, extending his arms with his palms out toward her, trying his damnedest to keep her at a distance.

She only nodded again, a gleam in her eye, and paused just a couple of feet from him, waiting for his approval.

“Take another step looking like that and I can’t be held responsible for my actions,” Mat warned, giving her one final out.

A small laugh passed through Genevieve’s nose, and she looked down at their feet as she daringly moved forward.

“I’m okay with that,” she whispered as she looked back to his face. Mat only quirked his brow in response.

“I think it’s time I focus less on pushing you away, and more on just…” Genevieve tenderly wrapped her arms around Mat’s neck. “Just finally letting things happen the way they’re supposed to,” she spoke.

Mat froze for a moment, then broke into an enormous grin. “Yeah?” he asked in awe.

She bit down on her bottom lip and nodded, driving him insane. He pressed her lower back into his body as she assured, “Yeah. This is what I want.”

Mat barely let her speak that last word before capturing her lips in a searing kiss — all the nerves and anxiety about avoiding this melting away in a heartbeat as she moaned softly into his mouth, eliciting a smile from him against her skin.

“You’re beautiful, G,” Mat whispered when he finally came up for air. “You know that?” Genevieve blushed and tried to hide her face in Mat’s chest, but with a roll of his eyes, he caught her chin between his thumb and index finger and angled her face toward his own.

“No, none of that,” he said. “I’ve waited this long to be with you, G. Just let me look at you and tell you how gorgeous you are.”

Mat felt the warmth of her cheeks as he caressed them with the backs of his hands, losing himself in her criminally blue eyes.

“You are something else, Maty,” she said, letting her hands rest on his taut stomach as she leaned into him. “Now we really have to go, or we’re gonna be late.” With one last kiss pressed against his lips, Genevieve spun away from him, grabbed the pearl clutch from her bed, and tossed him a particularly wicked glance over her shoulder, laughing at his dumbfounded expression as she drifted out of the room.

And as he watched her walk away from him, hips swaying beneath the satin of her dress...

Mat knew he had no choice but to follow wherever she led.

_____

Whether she was aware of it or not, the girl knew how to command a room.

As Mat watched Genevieve engage the many high-profile sponsors and potential donors in the ballroom, he found himself thinking that he really didn’t even need to be here. She had this in the bag, and he was just arm candy for the night. And he realized he didn’t mind a bit.

Even so, he couldn’t help but swell with pride when she regularly turned away from conversations throughout the evening, searching the many faces in the crowd until she found his, her shoulders relaxing and her eyes flashing with affection when she finally did.

Finally, Mat sensed that the peace he had long ago found in her, she now felt in him. Nothing could ever make him happier than that.

Despite having different food and flowers than what Genevieve had planned, the event was a smashing success. She learned from her professor near the end of the gala that they had raised a quarter of a million dollars for the Islanders Children’s Foundation in this single night — a figure which made her nearly choke on her champagne and subsequently back Mat into a coat closet to reveal privately. Only he was more excited about the triumph than she, clutching excitedly at her sides as he pulled her to himself for a fiery kiss and gleefully congratulated her, both of them trying to stay as quiet as possible to remain undetected. When they regained their composure, they walked regally arm in arm back into the ballroom to say their thank you’s and goodbyes.

As they waited outside for the valet, Mat held Genevieve from behind, his arms encircling her waist under the grand stone archways of the old building. In her ear, he whispered her praises, pressing a kiss to her temple or jaw between each adjective as they awaited their ride.

“Smart. Beautiful. Capable. Stunning. Perfect. Worthy. Mine.”

That last one prompted her to spin in his arms, unashamed of who might see, and grasp his face for a firm kiss.

“Yours,” she whispered back dreamily.

_____

Soon they were back at her apartment building, rushing down the hall hand in hand, fully prepared to take advantage of Beau’s night on the town. Mat was mouthing hungrily at the back of Genevieve’s neck, from one side to the other, as she squealed and clumsily unlocked the door — a feat which took approximately five times as long as it normally did, considering the distraction hanging off of her, snaking its long arms around her torso as she finally tumbled through the doorway. Mat held onto her hips with a laugh to prevent her from falling on her face onto the tile beneath them, pulling her upward to resume their makeout until…

“Don’t you two look cute.”

Beau’s voice rang from the couch, startling both Mat and Genevieve as she pushed him away to create some distance between them. Mat cleared his throat as he unceremoniously gathered his footing beneath him. They both stood motionless in the entryway for several moments before Genevieve blinked at the basketball game playing on the television.

“Wait. What the hell, Anth… you’re watching the Nets game on TV? What happened to your date?” Genevieve asked as she took a few steps into the living room, tossing her clutch onto the couch so that she could put both hands on her hips and aim as much attitude as possible at her cousin.

“Yeah, I lied about that. The Nets are in Boston tonight, you geniuses,” Anthony informed them casually, taking the last swig from his beer bottle and placing it on the coffee table as he leaned forward.

“What do you mean, you lied? What the fuck, man?” Mat asked, incredulous.

“I did it on purpose!” Anthony bellowed, before the two gaped at him. “You two goons haven’t figured it out on your own by now, so I figured if I ditched, forced you into some alone time, bought G a pretty dress, maybe you’d see yourselves for what you really are. Hopelessly, disgustingly in love with each other. And apparently, it worked.”

Mat ran a hand slowly through his hair, tugging on his locks with a quiet laugh. Genevieve stood still, a hand suspended in mid-air, and whispered, “You planned this?”

Anthony rolled his eyes. “Of course I planned this,” he confirmed. “You really think I would just bail on you at the last minute for some girl? No! I knew you’d ask Mat, and I knew he would come to your rescue, and I knew you guys would have a great night together. Win, win, win.” Anthony rested his back against the couch once more, propping his feet up on the coffee table and folding his hands behind his head as he waggled his eyebrows. “I’m good, huh?” he remarked.

Mat took four quick strides toward his best friend and made a show of grabbing Anthony’s face and pressing a lip-smacking kiss to his forehead, which Anthony giggled over and wiped away, shaking his head.

“You’re my hero, man,” Mat spoke as he returned to Genevieve’s side and tucked her beneath his arm. Timidly, Genevieve asked Anthony, “You mean you’re not mad?”

Anthony’s big eyes grew even wider. “Mad?! My best friend and practically my sister are finally making each other happy. I’d be crazy to be mad! Or I’d be the Grinch. And I’m not the Grinch!” he assured as he pointed towards them.

Genevieve beamed, walking his way and placing a kiss to his cheek, squeezing his arm.

“Merci beaucoup,” she whispered when she pulled back from his face, only to see that he was smiling from ear to ear. He gave her a solemn nod. 

Genevieve extended a hand toward Mat which he accepted gladly, then she turned back to her cousin.

“Well, on that note, since your plan was such a success, and so was my event, Mat and I are gonna go celebrate,” she informed him with a grin. Anthony chuckled and lifted his beer bottle in their direction.

“Cheers to that,” he said. “I’ll just turn up the volume.”

Mat and Genevieve laughed and said goodnight before making their way down the hall. Mat couldn’t close the door fast enough before spinning her and pinning her against it as she smirked, her form melting into his as he kissed her fiercely. For several minutes they stayed there as one, with their parting lips and their breathing the only sounds in the room. Soon, Mat pulled back, both his hands holding Genevieve’s face as he searched her eyes.

“Promise me this is really what you want, G. Promise me you won’t push me away again,” he implored, his voice sounding needier than it ever had. Genevieve felt the stab at her gut upon remembering once more that she’d really almost fucked this up.

She sifted her fingers through his long, coal black hair of his and looked into his green-flecked eyes, which begged her for reassurance. Mat swallowed thickly as she cupped his strong jaw.

“I promise I won’t, Mathew,” she whispered. “I won’t. I can’t. I need you.”

With that, she squeezed his cheeks between her fingers and smothered his lips with her own. Mat tasted the sweet champagne on her skin and moaned.

“Mine,” he said again, gruffly this time, into her ear as he trailed hot kisses down her jaw.

“Yours,” she repeated breathlessly.

[hubz88]

So Aaron asking Ben to move in and this plot about his dad seemed to be more about the parallels with Liv’s drinking problem then any real character development for Ben or their relationship.  Surprise, surprise. 

I had a few people jumping on a twitter response of mine last week, don't really do twitter much and wasn’t hoping to invite a conversation from Ben fans, Ben/Aaron fans, but anyway I was completely baffled, fascinated and mad and had to get my thoughts down.

Firstly my comment was about how weird I find it that on top of having this abusive father his whole life, Ben was so happy to forgive and forget the bullying that Aaron put him through, that made him want to die, within a day and a vague apology wanted to date him and it was brushed under the carpet.  I got two different responses from the fans that I want to look into because it has been on my mind all weekend.

1) About 2 or 3 people commented that I have clearly missed some episodes

This is hilarious to me, not only have I never missed an episode, but I have over analysed all Ben and Aaron scenes a thousand times over, without ever watching back I remember a great detail of what was said, weird dialog, acting/directing choices and facial expressions.

But mainly on this I am just hugely confused by what scenes they actually think I missed? There have been very little actually story about this bullying backstory full stop, no real content and no real resolution or explanation as to how come Ben got over it so quickly.  Given that I was referring to the first week or so on screen, it literally went like this.  Ben having no words in the Hop whilst Liv was acting like Aaron goes their all the time to see Ben at the Hop.  Ben orders a jacket potato and chilli whilst Chas awkwardly tries to suggest that Aaron gets back on the dating horse, hint hint hint to this random man who we know nothing about at this point and if he is even gay/into men.  Ben with Al and Kayak’s getting introduced to Aaron.  Aaron going back on his own to ask about Kayak lesson when Ben flips with the you don’t remember me, now I can hit back and you made me want to die etc. Ben’s car breaks down, Aaron says he can help, gets his number to text about parts or something.  They go for a drink as you do with your school bully.  Aaron explains vaguely about having a tough up-bringing and struggling with sexuality.  Ben has no reason to really trust him at this point or take his word for it but decides to awkwardly start trying to flirt and talks about the bullying he suffered as “reminiscing”, (weirdest line to use in context, I certainly don't reminisce about the kid that used to call me names at school let alone actually kick my head in on the daily). Then Aaron goes to the Hop and asks about a lesson, clear indication of a date.  This was all over a few days episodes, but one actual date time-wise.  That is is, whole story wrapped up.  No Ben talking to other people in the village that tell him to give Aaron a chance, no forced to work together, share friendship group, locked in a room together or whatever contrived plots soaps like to use to get people talking.  No longer story of getting to know each other, Aaron proving he had changed.  Just one conversation and it was all fine. Like what was the point?

Then from that point on we got a couple of episodes were Ben turned up out of nowhere, no build up, no aftermath, again no discussions with other people in the village, friends, co-workers, so we never saw his motivations or reasons for wanting to be with Aaron he just showed up apologizing for their disaster pint or Aaron apologised.  So much so that Ben was only in 11 episodes from September to January and many of those were like one or a couple of scenes, which is so poor when you compare to the other new characters introduction, interactions and multiple mini stories that played out.

The 4.5 months Ben was off screen was also used as a reason some how to explain how the lack of actual relationship discussion makes sense, like they talked again when he came back, (about his sister being an alcoholic), as if that suddenly makes it ok that they haven’t address the bullying or that argument again before Ben became a literal cardboard cut out glued to Aaron’s side. 

2) There was one person who replied saying it wasn’t a date at that point with the first lot of pints, which those terrible pint plots arguably were meant to be a date, but in any case they were still planning to meet up just the two of them, Ben kicked off after Ben didn’t turn up after divorce papers and Kayak lesson etc. So it still doesn’t make sense to want to get so pally with your ex bully. Through-out this point Aaron was pretty hot and cold and damn right rude at times.  Yet Ben kept following him around and showing up wanting to talk and try again and they suggest a pint several times.  One person did not like my response about him following Aaron around as if it was Aaron following Ben around because Aaron was the one that suggested the Kayak lesson to begin with.  But this person clearly hadn’t seen the scenes where Ben kept showing up out of nowhere wanting to get in Aaron’s orbit, Aaron largely seemed uninterested and said about them being friends beginning of December, (I think), which was never shown on screen and apparently didn’t happen according to January scenes at Aaron’s birthday when Ben said the friendship thing hadn’t worked out. 

3) There were the comments of the conversations on his return in May and the scene in the Hop discussing the bullying over some table football, you know do completely casual.  Again ignoring this does not change the facts of how this story started and how poorly it was executed regarding the bullying. Also in my opinion that chat was way little too late, they were official at this point and had only really been seen discussing Liv, her drinking problem, Liv being missing, Ben’s alcoholic dad and oh the mystery guy Ben put in a taxi.  Therefore no actual relationship or feelings chat anyway at this point, other than I’m miserable and we apparently have a laugh despite the fact we haven’t seen that onscreen. So why would I expect any in depth relationship story.  Even the Aaron Ben fan said they “try” with the Hop chat.  And like fair play, if you are happy with such shit a story and effort, then go live your best life hun.  But wow really, what are you liking here?

In actual fact Aaron still seemed quite offish on many occasions with Ben and snappy upon Ben’s initial return once again and yeah he was worried about his sister but why would Ben want to be around this permeantly, with someone he barely knows still, and would have possibly been triggering for him but yet he is promising to support him no matter what, you aren’t on your own Aaron, you have me, we and us etc. .

On the point of proving Aaron had changed the show has made a point this last year of many characters talking about how aggressive Aaron is, Liv about how he pushed her instead of Luke that whole time and calling him a control freak and lots of nasty names.  Mandy calling him a bully when Paul first died before she found out the truth.  Luke calling him a violent thug or something whilst Ben was there and talking about bad boys and stuff moments later, Ethan and Charles talking about him being scary and the same from Vinny at as well.  On top of the Pollard nonsense plot with the brooch and Ben was well aware that he was up for a bulgary/assault charge of which Ben had no real reason to believe he was innocent again he didn’t really know. He had only just re-connected with him after months off screen following the toxic argument, which also never got resolved, no sorry I didn’t realise Liv had a drink problem, I get your concern now, sorry for what I said, sorry for how I treated you, which as much as I don’t like Ben I feel he sort of would have deserved after how Aaron spoke to him.

Finally, and I realise no one is going to read this haha.  In one of my responses to these people before I gave up and said we are never going to agree, let’s leave it. I said content wise the story has been poor, there has been such little effort with the writing and Ben isn’t really a character right now, still only serving for other Aaron related plot and after 10 months on the show has only one small chat about gay marriage with Charles and the weird gay app conversation with Vic, Ethan and Luke outside of Aaron which is just not a proper character on a soap that it is 6 times a week.  Funnily enough, I got no response on that, no comeback or pathetic or disillusioned excuse. So do they all know how bad the story is and choosing to fight on the missing episodes I haven’t seen, whether those pints were dates or the fact they spoke after Ben’s disappearing act, which does nothing but really prove what a nothing of a character he actually is more than anything as there is no way I really believe it was all just down to COVID when other plots didn’t suffer the same way.

I will shut up now!

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

I was in a toxic friendship

I want to preface this by saying I am so much happier right now and I am no longer friends with this person. Haven’t seen or heard from her in over a year. I also want to be clear this was a friendship I had in real life, not tumblr. I think however this story’s lessons can be applicable across the board to online friendships and even relationships with family members. Please, if you ever feel belittled by your “friends,” and you bring it up to them and they brush it aside and think you’re overreacting, it’s not a friendship. 

I was friends with this person, let’s call her Stacy, for about ten years before I realized I no longer wanted to speak to her or be her friend. I met her in the ninth grade and we bonded over Disney World and other things and I could talk to her about anything, including this huge crush I had on a twelfth grade boy. She came over to my house sometimes, though not a lot, and as high school wore on we started going to the mall together, stuff like that. I went to college in a different city and she came to visit me sometimes, and we even worked at the same theme park, though different departments. For all intents and purposes this was my best friend, though Stacey got upset when I also called my cousin my best friend, even though she spoke of her sister as her best friend.

She got a boyfriend when we were both around 21/22 or so, I think we were both juniors in college, though she took a semester off because she hated school and thought it was weird I was a double major. She told me her boyfriend was thirty and she met him at work. I thought the age gap was a little big, but I wasn’t one to judge. Later on I found out he was 36 and she told me she lied because she was worried how I would react. I met him and I thought he was nice, but when she got engaged when we were both around 23, I had only met him that one time for a birthday dinner she had, and my mom and dad told me they thought it was kind of strange. They also said it was weird to them whenever I hung out with Stacey it was only for like an hour, two at most, especially since my cousin and I could spend days and day together at sleepovers, chilling and being ourselves, interpretative dancing, lol. Privately I also found it odd I could talk to Stacey about anything, but when I asked questions about her life and her thoughts she’d barely talk. Her grandma passed away, she loved visiting my grandma because she could have one through me. One day I broke down and admitted my grandmother is a narcissist, and she is different behind closed doors. she berates me, used to call me fat, berated me. Stacey didn’t believe me. I can’t say when she started not being such a good presence in my life, but these were some seeds, and it got worse--slow at once and then all at once as they say.

Anyway, I was a bridesmaid of hers and her sister was the maid of honor--a mutual friend was another bridesmaid and there was one more (super sweet girl and I don’t even think Stacy talks with her much anymore either LMAO) and at this point in my life I was really into my first fanfic IWD. I was consumed with it, to put it bluntly. This is another story entirely but I spent so much of my college career as an English major writing for academia, and when I was finally writing something for me, I bloomed. I talked to her about it and she kind of laughed about this Cullen person but she liked to read fanfic herself so was whatever about me doing it. I shared with her my first piece of commissioned art and she laughed at Lydia thinking Lydia was just me, and I told her, no, she wasn’t, she’s based off of several old hollywood ladies and I actually made her avatar in game, but she wouldn’t believe it. I actually ended up saying “would you think this if I were white and she were white as well” and she laughed and didn’t understand. Needless to say the whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I ignored it. Her wedding happened, her sister made a good speech, then when all the groomsmen did a speech for the groom the other Bridesmaids and I thought we had to do something, so we got up there and made an impromptu speech. I called her my sister and I told her I loved her. I didn’t know it then, but I didn’t believe her when she said “love you too.”

I wanted to go back to school, and I ended up in a Masters program after the wedding. My summer semester, my first, went well, starting in June and ending in July. I finished IWD and went to another fic, Stacey making fun of Sophie, my OC for that fic too, because I just straight up made her part Hawaiian like I am. When I told her I had little representation growing up other than like Lilo and Stitch and now Moana, (which I don’t like TBH but another story lol.) she asked me what the big deal was about that. Why did it matter that no main character ever looked as I looked? I couldn’t explain to her how much writing a character who was like me in a fanfic mattered. We planned on going to Disney World, me, her, her sister, and the other bridesmaid, but don’t post anything on facebook because she didn’t want to invite the other other bridesmaid. I wanted to go to a nightclub with her for my birthday but she didn’t want to go because her sister couldn’t enter, so after my whole family, plus her and her husband ate at my favorite restaurant, she went home even after I begged her to come with my and my cousin. She said it was stupid. Also, her husband was a huge ass to wait staff. Alarm bells went off for all of us.

But I was looking forward to Disney in December that year. (2018) I didn’t have a job at the time but was actively looking. Well, I got a job after interview after interview at restaurants that wouldn’t hire me, my dream job researching Shakespeare. It fell through. (I was promised to actively help the professor research, it fell through.) She paid for the trip without me knowing and I had to pay her back 800 dollars on writing commissions which I severely underpriced. because I was worried no one would pay otherwise. School wasn’t going well. Put it simply I felt really dumb and stupid and like I didn’t belong, (we were reading Ulysses!!!) which I later learned was a common sentiment with my classmates who began the same time as I. I will admit my relationship with academia is rocky at the moment, but I genuinely do love to write, love to research, love to make discoveries about new texts. Stacey saw how stressed I was and sad and got angry I was so sad, and asked why was I in school anyway Am I going to be on my deathbed and wished I studied harder? I didn’t have the energy to tell her it wasn’t about “studying harder,” it was that I loved writing and reading and wanted to be a part of academia. Learning makes me happy, expanding my mind. She belittled me anyway, thinking getting a Masters was dumb and I wouldn’t get a good job.

At Disney World I was so happy. I hadn’t been there since I was a child. She made fun of me for wanting to meet Ariel, for wanting to ride Soaring and being afraid to check grades when a classmate said they were up. I got so stressed I cried at the Japan pavilion at Epcot and stress ate sauerbraten at the Germany pavilion (Amazing by the way, I love German food.) She basically dictated the entire trip--we went to Universal for Harry Potter World at her request and refused to ride the spider man ride with me (it was fucking fun too-girl missed out.) All she wanted to do was stand around in Harry Potter world all day, (LOL now right?) I wasn’t that big of a Potter fan anymore, even at that point, and she told me I was going to stay there anyway and like it. She dictated the entire trip and when I questioned her about it she said I wasn’t listening to to her--we were following the agenda. Our last day there we went to a “Hawaiian” restaurant and made a comment about my “Hawaiian privileges.” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that the crap we ate didn’t hold a candle to real Hawaiian luau food.

When we got back I was mentally drained and melancholic because I wondered why Stacey was so cruel to me. She always had a biting wit, but before it seemed playful. Now it was cruel, mocking. She made me feel so incredibly stupid. At this point my cousin got engaged and I cried because I wanted so badly to be in love with someone and get married. I was angry and I lashed out at people I shouldn’t have. I was later diagnosed as depressed. I felt like my life was at a standstill and matters with Stacey didn’t help. I also had a huge writing crisis--I told Stacey something I will always remember and always regret because she doesn’t deserve to know: I write the romances I want because no man wants me.  At this point, Stacy turned me into her project. She didn’t like how sad I was at Disney World, it put a bummer on her trip, and when I told her she seemed off she brushed it off. Her plan was to get me on dating apps and basically settle for anyone, even though I had used apps before and don’t like them, but when I got back on Bumble she basically patronized me and told me she was proud of me and “small steps.” On bumble, I wanted to vomit. (for the record, I am not against dating apps, I know success stories, but at that time I was not emotionally ready to date.) Also, she would teach me to drive so I could go on dates, but only in my Dad’s truck. 

I wish I could say I broke it off, that I told her not to talk to me again, but Stacey stopped talking to me first. However. the day she stopped was when I told her she was wrong and I wouldn’t listen to this anymore. What happened? I mentioned I was demisexual.  She said it wasn’t real. I said it was real to me--I don’t experience sexual attraction unless I have bonded with someone. Sure there are people I like to look at, but it’s not a sexual attraction. She asked about my crush on Tom Hiddleston, Cullen, “that robot guy” and was like yeah you’re sure demi, and lol it’s not real. It wasn’t just her words, it was the mocking indifference. 

I went off. I told her she didn’t have the right to tell me what was in my brain or how I felt. I knew who I was and who I am. I should have also told her I wasn’t her project, but I left her that day and it was the last time I saw her.

I talked to my dad that night and mentioned it to him, being demi, and you know what he told me? I think I’m the same way. I think I almost cried. 

I tried to talk to her again but she didn’t want to see me. She had “personal issues and was busy” I pissed her off. Good, I say now. But after this happened in March of 2019 I thought I had no friends. She was my only friend, and I lost another mutual friend (one we went to Disney with) because she knew Stacey longer than she knew me. But you know what happened in April? My cousin asked me to be her maid of honor and I fucking wept, because there was my best friend--my sister all along. Just because she lives in another city and we are growing up and it took me longer to figure out my career than her doesn’t change the fact that we have a bond that can’t be broken. My cousin is one of my favorite people and if you know her you love her--it is impossible not to. And when I told her about my fanfic and about being demi she wanted to know, wanted to listen. School got better too--I started chatting in class more and come to find out, one of my classmates also broke up with a toxic friend. God I love her and I miss her--wish I could see her. (thanks COVID) 

There was more, but this was a lot, and I spent more time writing this than I thought I would. I wanted to write it because seeing a few posts float around made me remember, and I want ya’ll to know, leaving a friendship is scary. Sometimes it can be worse than leaving a lover. But it is a brave thing to do. Part of me that knew I should have left at the first racist comment (oh yeah, she called me a pineapple one day before the Disney trip, did I mention it’s a slur for Hawaiian people? If my grandma were there she would have clobbed her.) but I stayed because I didn’t think I had any other friends. Well, I did and I do, and I know now friends lift each other up, not belittle or talk behind your back. They listen to me when I talk about how important my writing and my characters are to me. 

Sometimes I still miss her--but mostly the high school her that I knew before she met her husband. I don’t know if he changed her or this was her all along, perhaps both. I got fired from a job in November 2019 (which now I’d like to thank them because I got a better and more fulfilling job with a boss that respects me.) and when I cried outside the place, humiliated, I wanted to call her and vent like I used to. I didn’t. Now I don’t want to call her anymore or talk to her. I’d rather spend time with people who care, people who don’t kick me when I’m down. Since then I am so much stronger, in so many ways. The worst times in my life yielded the greatest lessons I have ever learned. 

If you made it this far, thank you. I did tear up a little writing this, but please know: it can be hard to walk a new path, but it is brave. You are brave. You don’t deserve to be belittled *hugs*

[artificialqueens]

and i'll call you when the party's over (jan/gigi) - aries

summary - there are two sides to every story, but that doesn’t make either one less complicated.

a/n - (dj khaled voice) Another One. i liked the oneshot i posted a few days ago enough to attempt a companion/prequel thing that turned out to be half as long, apparently! thanks as always to alex for being a great beta and providing me with the idea for this in the first place <3

Sunday, November 29th

‘-But I’m not really a popcorn person,’ Jackie sighs. ‘It’s too salty. I don’t want to have to keep stopping to drink water if I’m watching a movie too, you know? That’s, like, triple multitasking.’

Gigi laughs, grabbing the bucket of popcorn and pulling it closer to herself, taking a handful. 

‘I like it,’ she says, her mouth now half-full. ‘You can get it sweet, though.’

‘No, but that defeats the point, i’d rather just get chocolate or something.’ Jackie turns to her left and nudges Jan on the shoulder. She doesn’t look up from her phone.

‘Who are you texting?’ Nicky asks, stealing the bucket from out of Gigi’s lap. ‘They’re stealing you from us. We need your opinion on movie snacks.’

Jan smiles and her eyes light up as she locks her phone and places it on the cushion beside her. ‘Nobody,’ she replies, but the mischievous, almost childlike grin on her face says otherwise. ‘Movie snacks?’

‘We’ve been talking about this for like ten minutes,’ Gigi sighs, irritated. ‘Weren’t you listening?’

Jan grins back at her, mock offended. ‘I was totally listening!’ She gasps. Her phone vibrates, as does the cushion. Gigi looks at it in disgust, and pretends to be nonchalant as Jan’s Fleetwood Mac ringtone echoes through the room. She sits in silence, trying her best to twist her expression into something less sour.

‘ God, just answer the phone,’ Nicky laughs. ‘We can live without your input on this for once.’ Jan grabs her phone and laughs, walking out of Jackie’s living room and closing the door behind her. 

‘Who do you think it is?’ Asks Jackie, turning her head back to face the others. Gigi shrugs, grabs the popcorn back, and shoves a handful in her mouth to stop the bitter comments before they can escape.

‘She’s been talking to that Jake guy a lot,’ Nicky suggests, picking up the tv remote. ‘From biology, or something. He seems okay, I don’t really know him.’

Jackie nods, entertained, and returns the topic of conversation to the important distinction between types of M&Ms. Gigi grabs another handful of popcorn, and stays silent.

Wednesday, December 23rd

Jackie’s never one to half-ass anything, and holidays are no exception, apparently - when Gigi arrives at her house, gift box in one hand, bottle of Bailey’s in the other, she has to take a second to drink it all in. She’s hung fucking mistletoe. Christ.

They’re all sat around the dining table, Mariah Carey is playing in the background, and for a self-proclaimed Christmas hater, Gigi’s pretty content. Jackie pulls a spinner from some board game or other out and flicks it, grinning when it lands on Gigi.

‘okay, G, you go first,’ she smiles, rubbing her hands together. ‘Who’d you get?’

Gigi grabs the gift box from the floor next to her and pushes it across the table to Nicky, whose mouth drops open in surprise. ‘No way,’ she squeals. ‘You bitch, you kept that so secret!’

‘That’s the whole point,’ laughs Jan, tapping the table in excitement. ‘Go on, open it, I wanna see!’

Nicky unties the gift bow and slides the lid off the box, grabbing its contents. ‘A necklace?’ She questions, squinting at the piece of jewellery in her hands. ‘What does it say?’

‘Prettier,’ Gigi replies. the other three glance at her, confused. ‘There was one that just said pretty,’ she explains, ‘and this, and I didn’t think you’d appreciate being second best.’

They continue around the table with gifts. Nicky buys Jackie some kind of expensive perfume that would seem insincere and impersonal from anyone else, but is so quintessentially Nicky that nobody seems to mind. Jackie gives Jan some cute flower earrings and a gift card to a bakery that she loves. 

‘So you can stop hassling us for cupcakes,’ she explains, and Jan laughs in response, and it’s music to Gigi’s ears, always has been.

‘My turn, then,’ Jan smiles, pushes a gift bag across to Gigi. She pulls out sheets of lilac tissue paper to find what feels like a weirdly-shaped sack. When she lifts it out of the bag, the others’ confusion is evident.

‘It’s a cat,’ Jan clarifies, reaching over to tap one of the points on the gift that Gigi thinks, if she squints, could resemble ears.

‘Is it?’ Asks Jackie, face twisted. 

‘You sure?’ Nicky snorts and whacks her on the arm.

‘Yeah!’ Jan fake glares at them, and locks eyes with Gigi. ‘I made him for you, because you mentioned that one time that you wanted a cat but your mom’s allergic.’ 

Gigi thanks her, and the smile doesn’t leave her face all night. 

She names the cat Charlie. He sits at the foot of her bed from then on, and she can’t help but grin every time she sees him.

Sunday, March 6th

‘If we can’t agree on something, we can always just rewatch Mean Girls,’ Gigi suggests, leaning her head back against her pillow and rubbing her eyes. ‘It’s a classic for a reason.’

Nicky groans, throws a cushion across the room, laughs as it flies and hits Gigi in the head. ‘I’m so fucking bored of mean girls.’ Gigi flips her off and picks up her phone, busying herself by scrolling through the same ten instagram posts in her feed she’s seen twenty times today already.

‘We could watch Stranger Things or something?’ Jackie pipes up, scrolling through Netflix. ‘I’ve heard that’s good.’

‘Ooh, Jake said he didn’t like it, though,’ Jan replies, looking up from her phone for a whole second before glancing back down and laughing at something she sees. 

‘Ooh, Jake isn’t fucking here, ’ Gigi snaps, slamming her phone onto the couch beside her. ‘Can’t you think for yourself, or would he not like that either?’

It’s so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Jan’s face drops, and Gigi feels a guilt unlike anything she’s ever known before at the sight of her staring blankly across the room, eyes welling up with tears. Her eyes narrow and she shakes her head, stands up, and walks out silently. The sound of the door slamming behind her echoes and hits Gigi like a bullet through the chest.

Monday, March 7th

nicky - hey babe, u doing okay? (2:07am)

            i just spoke to jan. i know u probably don’t want to but i think u should apologise. wouldn’t want her to be too upset u know? (2:08am)

            anyway did u see that cat vine i tagged u in on ig?? (2:15am)

-

gigi - hey can i call you? i feel like doing this over text isn’t right (10:12am)

jan <3 - of course! give me a min. (10:12am)

-

jan <3 - make sure you send me the link to that cat video!!!🐱💞 (1:45pm)

Saturday, June 11th

For Jan’s birthday, they congregate in her kitchen and take shot after shot of cheap tequila until Nicky can’t take a step without falling face-first onto the cold linoleum tiles. Jackie sighs, picks her up like it’s nothing and carries her into the living room, rolling her eyes. 

‘She’s such a mom,’ Jan comments, pulling herself up to sit on the counter, swinging her legs back and forth like a kid on a swing. If she notices her heels hitting the cabinets a bit too hard, she doesn’t say anything. Gigi laughs and jumps up beside her, grabbing onto Jan’s arm when she nearly falls, collapsing into giggles on her shoulder when she makes it up successfully.

‘Happy birthday,’ she says, holding onto Jan’s hand just a bit too tight. Jan thanks her, still laughing.

‘It’s weird to do this on a Saturday,’ Jan muses, squeezing Gigi’s hand. ‘I’m so used to Sundays with you all, it feels wrong.’

‘No!’ Gigi replies, and Jan winces at her volume. ‘You’ve had a really nice day!’

‘I have, yeah,’ she giggles, nodding.

‘What’d you get?’ Gigi asks, swings their hands back and forth. ‘From people that weren’t me.’

‘A lot of gift cards,’ Jan replies. ‘And chocolate. Pretty boring.’

‘What about Jake?’

Jan scrunches up her face and shudders. ‘He got me a fucking Forever 21 gift card.’

Gigi scoffs, lets go of Jan’s hand and places both hands on her face, turning Jan’s head to meet her eyes. ‘ Fuck him,’ she says, more force in her words than she realises. Jan smiles, but it doesn’t meet her eyes. Gigi looks at her, confused.

‘No, I didn’t mean to make you sad,’ she mumbles, shaking her head. Don’t be sad, it looks weird on you, you’re so pretty.’

Jan tilts her head up and there’s something in her eyes, soft and weird and wonderful, that makes Gigi feel like she’s floating. She swears she sees Jan glance down at her lips and lean in for a split second, but she’ll never know. 

Jackie pushes open the kitchen door and Jan springs back, pulls her hands away to fiddle with something on the other side of the counter. Jackie asks if they have any aspirin, Nicky’s complaining about a headache. Gigi hops off the counter, makes her way to the bathroom, and locks the door behind her.

Thursday, August 18th

There’s something about the way Nicky’s looking at her from across the table that scares the shit out of Gigi, but she tries her best to ignore it and grabs another slice of pizza, glancing around the restaurant. Neither of them have spoken much the whole time they’ve been out - it’s weird, for the lack of a better phrase.

‘So what, did you just feel like treating me?’ Gigi asks, laughs nervously, takes a sip of her Coke through its red-and-white striped straw. Nicky looks at her and her eyes are so full of poorly disguised pity it makes Gigi feel like a child.

‘You know I’m not one to avoid bringing shit up, right?’ Nicky replies, stirring her drink absentmindedly. Gigi nods. ‘What’s up?’

‘And it’s only coming from a place of love-’

‘Nicky.’

‘You,’ she says, slamming one hand on the table, ‘need to suck it up and get the fuck over Jan.’

Gigi’s eyes widen and she inhales too fast in shock, choking on her drink. Nicky watches, failing miserably to bite back laughter.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Gigi takes another sip and her eyes dart around the room, trying to find something distracting to focus on.

‘Don’t bullshit me,’ Nicky laughs. ‘It’s been two months since her birthday party, and I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I haven’t seen you speak to her since, and I hate it. You’re acting as if she’s poisonous.’

She is, now, thinks Gigi. She may as well be. 

‘I don’t need to get over anyone,’ she stresses. ‘Nothing happened , we just haven’t spoken much recently.’

‘I do talk to Jackie, you know,’ Nicky replies, reaching across the table to grab Gigi’s hand. ‘I’m just saying this because I care about you. I don’t want anything between us all going sour. I love you all too much. Also, she has a boyfriend.’

Gigi smiles, but she’s sure it comes out as more of a grimace. ‘If you care so much, can you drop it? Nothing will go sour, because nothing happened.’

Nicky shoots her a knowing look, but does as she asks.

Saturday, October 1st

When Jake breaks up with Jan, she messages their group chat in floods of tears, and Gigi’s never invited them over faster. A stupid move, maybe, but for a second, as she types, she’s just Jan’s friend, and she wants to be there for her.

It was a stupid move. Definitely a stupid move.

She sits with Jan, holds her for hours on end, wipes her tears and orders the other two around to try to cheer her up as much as possible. There’s a kind of sick sadistic enjoyment in knowing she’s the only person that can make Jan feel better and she doesn’t want to acknowledge it in the fucking slightest, so she doesn’t, lets it bubble underneath the surface but keeps it contained until she can’t handle it anymore. When it gets to that point, she grabs the wine.

She lays next to Nicky making stupid Grease references and then Jan leaves and they’re alone, and her mood shatters into pieces, and all she wants to do is sweep them under the coffee table with the rest of the overpriced breakup cupcakes and leave them there.

‘What’s wrong, doll?’ Nicky grabs her hand and squeezes it comfortingly.

‘Is it bad that I’m happy about it?’ Gigi asks, tilting her head towards the door, avoiding eye contact at all cost. ‘Does that make me a bad person?’

‘What, being happy that your best friend just got dumped? Yeah, maybe?’ Nicky comments, narrowing her eyes. ‘Didn’t we talk about this? I don’t think this is the best time to let your feelings come into play, G.’

‘It’s not my feelings,’ Gigi replies, her voice quiet. ‘I just mean because he was kinda gross to her, that’s all.’ There’s not much conviction in her voice, and it seems like she’s trying to convince herself more than anything. Nicky buys it, somehow.

Sunday, October 16th

She kisses Nicky for the first time outside of a bar. It’s too early to warrant them being anywhere near drunk, and she tastes like cheap wine, and it feels rushed, and impulsive, but not wrong. She checks her phone and they’re late to meet Jan and Jackie, and she feels like she shouldn’t feel as bad about it as she does, because Nicky doesn’t seem to care at all.

They stop at a corner store on the way to Jackie’s house to pick up some snacks, and Gigi tries her best to ignore the tightness in her throat when Nicky grabs her hand as they’re walking along the street.

She turns to Gigi suddenly, grabs her other hand as she walks backwards, and almost makes her drop the plastic bag. 

‘What are we?’ She asks, her dramatic faux-old Hollywood movie accent strong. She looks at Gigi with dark, worried eyes, stays silent for a good five seconds, and then she laughs, and Gigi laughs with her, relieved she was joking, unsure of how she’d have coped if Nicky was serious. Nothing , she thinks. And I think I want to keep it that way .

Nicky kisses her again, spontaneous and odd, against the wall of an alley near Jackie’s house. Gigi feels like a kid, sneaking around in the sunset, but she thinks maybe she could get used to it. If she closes her eyes and focuses hard enough, she can almost mess up the mental picture enough to turn Nicky’s hair blonde, and her eyes blue, and her hands softer, and make everything how she wishes it was.

They get to Jackie’s, and neither of them say a word. Gigi sees Jan’s dejected eyes when they show up, and she wishes she’d gone to that stupid fucking family party after all.

Sunday, October 30th

They stick a dumb horror movie on the tv and let it play as background noise once Jackie leaves. It hits one in the morning and Gigi and Nicky are the only ones awake. It’s weird of Jan to fall asleep so early, but Gigi can’t bring herself to engage her in conversation long enough to keep her up and Nicky’s too busy shit-talking people on her instagram feed to create much of a compelling reason for her to be up, either.

Gigi looks between them and feels suddenly, overwhelmingly lost, and she wants to get up and escape, get a glass of water, clear her head, but it’s like she’s frozen in place. She doesn’t want to be around either of them right now, but lucky for her, she’s with both, and acknowledging whatever the hell’s going on with either would be equally painful. 

So she sits, eyes glued to the shitty slasher flick on the screen in front of her, and tries to focus on the plot enough to distract herself from the room she’s in. 

Nicky taps her on the shoulder and breaks her trance, beckons her over to the corner she’s in.

‘Look at this,’ she whispers, pushes her phone towards Gigi to show her some kind of gross-looking outfit picture taken by god knows who. ‘Can you believe people leave the house like that?’ Gigi laughs, but it’s more of a formality than anything else. Nicky scrolls down and finds an old favourite vine and they laugh together, genuinely this time, watch it on repeat a few times.

Nicky looks at Gigi and sighs, hooks a finger under her chin and tries to pull her closer. ‘ Stop it,’ she objects, the sternness she tries to convey masked by the last of her laughs at the joke. ‘Not with Jan here.’

‘She’s asleep, baby,’ Nicky insists. ‘It’s fine.’

Gigi shakes her head and pushes herself back across the wooden floor, leaving Nicky confused. ‘Later?’ She mouths, and Gigi gives her a half-hearted nod, pulling herself to her feet. As she walks to the kitchen, trying to ignore Jan’s heavy breathing from the couch, she wishes she could just leave, walk off into the night, and not have to talk to either of them for as long as possible.

[rafivadafreddy]

I Wonder

A Rafael Barba and Amelia ‘Emma’ Herrera Story.

Summery: Amelia ‘Emma’ broke up with Rafael when he was 18 and she was just 16. He left for Harvard and Emma left for Italy two years later when she graduated. Fast-forward Fourteen years when Emma and Rafael run into each other again. Will there still be sparks between the two or have they both changed too much to be together again?

Word Count: 1,727

Chapter Two!

chapter one can be found here

Warnings: Uhm. Spanish? I honestly don’t think there are any warnings for this. Lol

To say that having Rafael back in her life was easy, that would be a lie. Probably one of the worst lies she would ever tell. It wasn’t easy having him suddenly calling her, texting her, even running into each other at that stupid little café where they first saw each other. Emma told herself that she needed to find a new café to stop at, but she could never bring herself to do so. Thanksgiving soon came and gone, Christmas was finally over and New Year’s was just another day where people drink too much, make resolutions they’ll never keep and get into fights or accidents.

The ER was packed, Emma had her hands full. Her kids were all okay up in the Pediatric ward, so she was down in the ER helping those who came in since it was such a busy night. By the time morning came and Emma found herself on her 10th cup of coffee. She was fighting off the need to close her eyes and take a nap. She had been waiting for her patients’ exams to come back. But as she leaned against the counter at the desk. She couldn’t help but close her eyes.

 “Amelia! Don’t you dare!” Emma saw Rafael scold her as she stood before him holding a water balloon in her hand. A small smile on her face, looking as innocent as possible.

“Dare what, Rafi?” she asked the man, a small pout on her lips. “You mean… this?” Emma giggled as she threw the balloon at her boyfriend and watched as it hit him in the chest and the balloon burst. Covering him in water, soaking his shirt. Before Emma knew it, she was running away from Rafael.

It was late one afternoon; middle of July and they had been dating for a month. Emma was nearing her 16th birthday and Rafael was 17. Things were so perfect between the two of them. So in love, Emma already knew her feelings for him. She just couldn’t bring herself to say those three little words just yet. It was too soon, she knew that.

 Jumping awake when someone called out for her. She looked around and blinked a few times. Quickly, Emma was back to work and before she knew it, she left the hospital to head home.

On her walk home, needing to clear her head. She looked around as she walked, passing by crowds of people who kept making the same damn joke. “Oh, its been a year since I’ve last seen you!” Ha-ha-ha. Not funny anymore. Maybe when you’re drunk, sure.

Shaking her head, Emma waited for the walk signal give her the okay to cross the street when she watched a young couple walking hand in hand. The boy twirling the young girl around, making her laugh.

 Amelia was giggling nonstop as she and Rafael walked out of the theater. “Rafael! It was good! Stop complaining.” She poked her boyfriend as she cuddled into his side. It was the first of December and the two had just watched Three Men and a Baby. A cute comedy, even though Rafi tried to act like he didn’t like it. She knew him, she had seen him laugh during the movie.

“I’m not complaining. I’m just saying, it wasn’t all that good.” He eyed Emma and held her close with his arm around her shoulders.

Snorting, she just let out a small, ‘mmhm’ instead of answering. As they passed stores playing Christmas music, Rafael stopped walking and Emma eyed him, “What’s wrong, mi vida?” she asked, only to giggle when he pulled her in close and started to sway to White Christmas together right there on the sidewalk. Ignoring those passing by the two, nothing else existed in that moment as they looked into each other’s eyes.

“I… I love you Rafael…” Emma whispered to him and grinned when he smiled, the two sharing a soft kiss as they stopped dancing.

“Well, I love you too Amelia Herrera.” He said as his lips still brushed against hers.

Cursing as she was pulled out of her memories, Emma looked up and quickly dashed across the street. “Stupid Rafael… messing up my life… again.” She mumbled and shook her head.

Entering the café as if on schedule, Emma stood in line and waited for her turn. Scarf off and gloves being shoved into her coat pocket. By the time she went to order, Emma got herself a hot chocolate. Not sure if she could take more coffee after the night she just had. Asking for a bagel with cream cheese as well. She waited for her order before finding a seat and starting to eat her breakfast.

 Under the covers, Emma didn’t want to move. She felt like crap. She should have known better than to walk home in the rain. But she loved the rain, so she did so anyways. Now here she was, stuck at home on the weekend sick. Fever, runny nose and a cough that felt like she was trying to cough up her lungs. She had called Rafael that morning and told him she had to cancel their plans to go into the city. Hanging up after a nasty coughing fit, she got back into bed and laid there. Her mother had left for work and so Emma was just in and out of sleep.

When she fully woke up to banging on the door, she pulled herself out of bed and wrapped her comforter around her shoulders and went to answer.” I’m coming Puto! Stop banging on the damn door!” she called out, her voice breaking halfway through her yell, making Emma roll her eyes and pulled the door open. Only to frown, seeing Rafael there.

“Puto? Really? I’m hurt.” He teased and held up two bags. “I brought Mami’s chicken soup, some bread and Gatorade so you can drink something other than water.” He stepped into the apartment.

Emma just felt her eyes fill up with tears. “I love you… but you’ll get sick if you stick around me.” She sniffled.

“I don’t care... let me take care of my girl.” Was all Rafael said and the two spent the whole weekend on the couch. Even singing to her in Spanish to get her to sleep peacefully.

A few days after Emma was better, she found herself at Rafael’s apartment, holding a Tupperware of soup, bread and Gatorade for him. Just like he had done for her.

 “Penny for your thoughts?” a voice startled her, and Emma jumped before looking up.

“Rafael! DO NOT sneak up on people like that!” she narrowed her eyes and sighed.

He just raised an eyebrow and looked around. “Amelia… I called your name two times.” He said, humor laced his voice as he watched her and sat down across from her and Emma just huffed.

“Yes well… still.” So she didn’t have a remark, but can you blame her? After the shift she had. She could be sleep deprived and out of comebacks. “Don’t you need to go to work?’ Emma changed to topic and sipped on her hot chocolate.

“Nope, I was stopping here for coffee before heading over to the Bronx to see mami.” He shrugged and Emma grinned.

“Well! Tell her I send my love and that I hope she got her Christmas card I sent.”

Rafael just frowned. “You send my mami a Christmas card?”

Emma simply shrugged her shoulders, “Mmhm, I do. Its addressed to the both of you. But you moved out and I never knew where you lived after so.”

It was quiet after that, both taking sips from their cups and Emma slowly eating her sandwich.

“You know, I never did understand why you broke up with me all those years ago.” Emma looked over at Rafael as he spoke. A pained expression on his face for about a split second. But Emma had caught it.

“It was for the best, Rafi.” She assured him and reached over to hold his hand softly. “You went to law school without any distractions. I know you were planning on not going because of me. I couldn’t let that happen. I lived my life as well… I lived in Italy for gods sake… that alone was amazing. We wouldn’t be where we are today if we stayed together all those years ago. We would have stayed together and end up hating each other.” She sighed and finished her food. Drowning the rest of her hot chocolate. Emma stood up.

“Happy New Year Rafi…” Emma said softly and placed a kiss to his cheek before pulling her coat, scarf and gloves back on. Only to walk to the door and walk back out into the cold weather of New York.

Shivering, she made way to her apartment building. The apartment she now lived alone in since her roommate left to live with her fiancé.

 Laying in bed together, naked under the sheets. Emma felt her face grow hot. It had been their first time and to her it had gone perfectly. Emma had gone to Rafael’s prom with him and he had gotten a room at a nice hotel. Her mother never cared where she was, and Rafael’s mother thought he would be staying over Eddies house. With her head on his chest, Emma closed her eyes happily. Listening to his heartbeat.

“Eu ti amo mi amor...” she heard before falling asleep in his arms.

The next day when they went home, Emma was going to take Rafael his suit jacket back since he let her use it. Stopping as she neared his bedroom door, Emma frowned.

“Rafael don’t be stupid! You got a full scholarship to Harvard! You gonna give that up for some girl? A girl like Amelia?” She heard the voice of Alex.

“I love her man; I just know she’s the one for me!” Rafael shot back, Emma biting down on her lip.

Stepping away from the door, she left the suit jacket over the couch and ran out of the apartment. Knowing what she had to do. She would not let Rafael throw his future away because of her.

 Wiping her eyes, Emma arrived home and took a quick shower before getting into bed. Looking at her messages with Rafael, she grimaced before falling asleep.

                                                                                                       Three

Tagging- @the-baby-bookworm​  Reblog and Heart! Chapter 3 will be up soon!