#then I look into it again and relearn everything and it all comes so easily | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

engagedtobefree · 9 months ago

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I’ve been struggling the past few weeks a bit with my mood. I feel kind of apathetic, I guess you could say. My usual optimism has been a struggle to tap into, but I think it’s finally coming around. To be fair to me, this new year has been a bit rough, and I don’t think I’ve actually had time to stop and process everything. I rang in the new year in bed, sick from a virus, then 3 weeks later just as I was starting to feel better, my friend Craig died. Then two days after his viewing, I was sick with covid for the first time ever. After I got over that, I developed a UTI, which luckily wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I tend to get them fairly easily because of my bladder disorder, but of course after I was getting back into the swing of things after covid, I fell asleep super early one night with a completely full bladder, and that was that 🙃 Then a few weeks later my mom and I had to put her dog to sleep. And really, the rest of it has been me trying to catch up while also focusing on trying to improve my mental health, which is a plate full all on its own.

Oh, and Idk if I mentioned I’m writing a poem a day this year. Me, who is not consistent with anything, struggles with routines, and has never kept a streak of anything beyond maybe 2 or 3 weeks, has written 100 fucking poems this year!! Today will be day 101 once I write it. I’m actually so glad I started this, because I have needed it to process so many things and also it’s been one of the few saving graces of this year so far. It was a last-minute decision too. I didn't really plan for it, write it down as a goal, or think too much about it; I asked for a notebook for Christmas and my mom ended up getting me 3, one of which has 366 pages, which is perfect since it’s a leap year. That meant I could use a page a day. I wanted to increase my vocabulary, relearn and learn anew about poetry itself, get creative every day, and also write more often so I have the chance to not stay stuck writing about one thing for months and months and months. I take forever to finish a poem because 1. I write inconsistently and 2. I overanalyze every single word because I want it to reflect as accurately as possible what I’m writing about and I also want it to be “good”. My poems have always been deeply personal, so the truth of how I speak through them has always been very important to me. Since I’ve started doing this though, I noticed that I can still do that without spending forever on something, and that the more I write, the more inspiration blesses me. I still have my separate book for my other stuff, but I’ve almost exclusively been focusing on my daily poems since this year started, mostly because that’s all I have time for. No doubt once I get back to my other book, I will still take my time lol, which is fine, cuz now I still have my dailies. Also I realized that it’s okay that my “good” looks different every day, and not everything I write has to be a masterpiece. I’ve always been very self-critical, and this has helped me realize that expecting only “good” material is treating myself as a machine rather than a human being. If I don’t like what I write that day, at least I wrote something, and there will be another opportunity to write again tomorrow. I will probably still be really anal about editing stuff later, but right now, writing every day has been a lot of fun.

Okay, so now it's time to dive into my personal problems! Wooo! I’m going to start with the one issue I have been hoping for a very long time now would be irrelevant, and that’s Scott. I don’t even tag his name anymore in any personal posts I’ve vented about him in because I just want this to go away, but he has been incessantly trying to get my attention. Literally. Things ended between us a good year and a half ago, but he tried to come back last summer and I was very, very, VERY clear about not wanting to try again and just being friends. He would occasionally reach out to me but it was just niceties and nothing to really worry about, though it did annoy me when he would contact me. But ever since the new year began, he was pestering me almost weekly, asking if I wanted to hang out, commenting on literally every single Snapchat story I post, and asking how I’ve been and saying he misses me. I had legit excuses for the first month and half with getting sick 3 separate times and then my friend Craig dying, but since then it’s mostly been me going to bed before he messages me, ignoring his messages till the morning, him skipping a week in not contacting me, or me just saying I’m too tired for company, which wasn’t actually a lie tbh. I ignored the situation as long as I could before I finally succumbed to the reality that I couldn’t ignore it forever.

Not this past Friday but the one before was the day I finally decided to deal with it. He was messaging me much earlier in the day than usual, like literally I wasn’t even done work yet, but that also gave me time to feel out what I wanted to do. He asked if he could come over and I told him yes, but then added something pretty close to “I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that everything I said last summer still stands. I haven’t changed my mind about anything. I am only interested in friendship and nothing more.” I didn’t want him here without me first saying anything to him because I knew he wasn’t going to say anything to me beforehand and I didn’t want to feel like I was caught in some sort of trap in my own home, aka my safe space. He opened my message then didn’t respond for maybe half an hour or so. When he did respond, he said he wanted to hook up with me but he respected if I didn’t want to. Then he said he did really want to be friends at least because he likes me as a person. I told him I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, but I didn’t want him coming here with some idea that something could happen, and that a friendship is really all I want. He responded back that he thought he should tell me before coming over. Okay, so I have a lot to say (vent) about all of that. First off, he wasn’t planning on telling me shit until I said something. He was going to come here and then ask if I wanted to hook up, putting me in an awkward situation when I previously established very clearly I only wanted a friendship and have not even once since then indicated that I have any interest in anything more. This leads me into the second thing which is that he wasn’t even considering what I wanted, just what he wanted. I am very intentional with showing interest. I do not flirt or lead people on. If I flirt, it means I am interested. I have not flirted with Scott since before we even ended things. I send a lot of emojis to anyone and everyone when I message, but I have not sent him any since we broke things off. I also only say someone’s name when messaging if they say mine first or if I am interested. There are some more exceptions to that rule, but if I am consistently saying your name when reaching out, I’m interested. I have not said Scott’s name in messages since before we broke things off. I know that it might not seem like much, but all of that paired with me literally saying I don’t want to try again and only want to be friends should be more than enough to indicate I’m not interested. Thirdly, of course you are going to respect my decision because you’re not going to force me to change my mind. (When he did come over that night, I had a knife and my Simplisafe alert button near me just in case. I don’t think I will ever need them with Scott but you never know.)

I wasn’t sure if he would actually still want to come over after I turned him down, but he was not deterred. Everything went smoothly and it wasn’t awkward, thankfully. He was, however, acting very differently than usual. He was friendly, engaging, talkative, and gave me a bunch of compliments. If he had done this switcheroo like 2 years ago, I might have fallen for it, might have second guessed the fact that I wasn’t being treated right and that I wasn’t happy and ignored that deep down I didn't actually want to be with him, but I’m way past that now. The way he was acting was how he always acted with everyone else except me, which in the past, hurt me a lot. When it came to me, he was often cold, distant, non-communicative, inconsiderate. So for me, him doing this now only really solidifies him in the friendship role. It’s weird in a way because I previously wanted him to act this way with me, like how he did with friends and acquaintances, because it was the nicer Scott, not realizing that if he treated me like other people, it would put me in the same role as them. But now, me actually fulfilling my wish from years ago puts me in the friend/acquaintance role by him being nicer to me. I got my wish, but it happened much later than past me wanted and in a way I hadn’t intended, and it does me more service now than it would have then. I mean, I know there’s the extra caveat of him hoping it will get him laid, but in reality, it pushes him even further away from that than he was to begin with, which was already pretty dang far. I guess in his mind, he thinks there’s a chance I could eventually want him again, or at least enough to sleep with him, but that chance is zero. If I decided I’m done with someone, that means I spent a long time thinking over the situation, how I’m being treated, how I feel about them, who they really are as a person, our relationship and dynamic, if it’s actually really love or something else, what a future with them would look like, etc etc etc. I don’t make decisions like this lightly; I look from every angle and leave no stone unturned, so when I decide I’m done, that means I’m done. For good. Forever. Scott does not know this, but as I’ve said, I haven’t given him a single reason to hope. He’s decided on his own that something could still possibly happen in the future. When he left, he told me to not be a stranger and that we should catch up again soon. I don’t plan on that, but I was happy with how things went, oddly enough. I didn’t really want to see him, but the fact that I did and that I was able to set a clear boundary made me happy, and I felt a sort of completion around the situation. No doubt he’s still going to contact me (he already has lol), but I don’t feel worried or annoyed by it anymore. I’m happy with my decision, restated my boundary with a lot more confidence than last time (not that I should have had to repeat it though), and I feel like I can look forward now without having to worry too much about this. I didn’t feel unsafe, though I figured I wouldn’t, but I wanted to take some extra precautions just in case since I do live alone.

It’s funny because a few years ago when Scott and I still worked together, I had reached a place of complete acceptance with the situation and was able to be completely content with what it was without needing any answers. It was actually during that time that I think we formed a pretty decent friendship, and that’s when I felt we did best. At the time, I thought that what I was feeling was only because of how I was able to find my peace with everything, but looking back now, I think it’s also because that was just where we thrived best together: in a friendship. I’m not going to actively work at being his friend now, especially because I know he still has hopes that I’ll change my mind (I won’t) and something will happen (it won’t), but at least right now, I don’t need to block him or cut him off, which means I don’t feel in danger or like I’m being harassed. However, I don’t like that he still treats me like I’m stupid. I know why he is suddenly making such an effort and doing a total 180 in how he’s treating me. I saw it immediately and haven’t fallen for it for a second, so the fact that he thinks I might actually fall for this is a bit insulting to my intelligence. I’m sure some of it is actually genuine, like him saying he’d like to be friends regardless, which is fine, but just don’t insult me in the process, dude. Also, if he continues to not respect my decision and tries to pressure me, I will block him and cut him off. He can be my friend, he just needs to accept that nothing more will come of it.

Anyway, I feel like I was able to work through that finally. I’ve also been working on some of the past trauma from him, though I had to put a lot of that on hold because of everything that went on this year. I know I can’t move forward until it no longer has such a strong effect on me. I think how I handled the situation now says a lot. When he tried to come back last year, I was anxious, emotional, and very uncomfortable with having to handle the situation and tell Scott I didn’t want to try again. I was still processing a lot of past trauma and while I was positive about not wanting to be with him, I was afraid of hurting him. This time was so different!! I 100% put myself first, and I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt for stating what I wanted and not compromising where I shouldn’t. Growing up in an abusive household where there was a lack of boundaries and respect instilled a false belief in me that caring about how I’m treated is wrong and that attempting to do so is insulting and harmful to the other person. I do still have to deal with this from time to time, but I handle it much better now, and I hope I only continue to grow in that regard. I am 32 years old and still learning to untangle the web of lies that abuse taught me, but here I am, fucking doing it and making so much progress with it. I’m so proud of myself.

So now I’m going to unsmoothly segway into talking about Chris now. This poor guy lol. Anytime I write a personal post on here he ends up in it, and he doesn’t even talk to me. Sorry, Chris, but you’re still on my mind. Some of this is also actually relevant to what I was just talking about though so I’m going to start with that. So back in November when I had my last appointment with him, I struggled a lot. I felt I did some things fairly well, but when it came to flirting and asking if he was single, I failed. If I had to choose a physical representation of it, it would be someone falling flat on their face, trying to get up, then falling again and conceding to lay there till it was over. Chris has no way of knowing why I couldn’t. I mean, if he happened to guess, I’d be very impressed. Back when I worked with Scott, it was difficult. I was unknowingly flirting with a married man for months, who flirted back with me, and then after I found out he was married I was mortified. We ended up on friendly terms and then I developed feelings for him. We stayed friendly and I would talk to him all the time at work. He would start flirting with me again and then I’d naively think maybe something was going on, maybe he separated from his wife or was going through a divorce, so I’d flirt back. Then after several weeks of that, nothing would happen, he’d never bring anything up, so I’d ask him what was going on and he’d tell me nothing, he was married, it is what it is, this can never go anywhere. Then I’d get upset and mad that I fell for it, stop talking to him for a while, and then the cycle would repeat. There was one period where I accepted I wasn’t going to get answers (I mentioned it above) and so we were just friends and nothing more, and that was really the only good, healthy period we had. That was like the second half of 2019 up until he left in October 2020, of course with most of 2020 being working from home. Other than that, it was mostly turmoil, and mostly for me. I was 26 when everything started, and Scott was 44. I kept placing my trust in an older man to do the right thing and to not come into work and flirt with me unless he was available, but I was really naive. I talked to him because I wanted to, not because I expected anything to happen, which I didn’t want anyway unless his marriage broke off, but when he would flirt with me again, it would give me false hope that something could actually happen. I always felt such extreme guilt every time too, knowing that once more I was pursuing a married man who was leading me on while his wife had no idea about any of it. I still carry guilt from my actions during that time, because had I known from the beginning that he was married, I would’ve never looked again in his direction. I was so ashamed of myself for so long because I had a choice to say, “No, this cannot continue, I cannot trust this man unless he gives me an explicit reason that I can”, but instead, I chose to keep trusting. I chose to keep flirting. I have worked through some of that shame and guilt, but not all of it. I recognize that I did try over and over again to not interact with him and to avoid him, but his office door was literally 5 feet from my cubicle, which made it hard. To be clear, I never would have had an affair or taken it outside the office at all. He did bring that up fairly early on during a period when I wasn’t pissed off about things, and I told him I did not want to have an affair with him and he agreed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if his answer was dependent on mine though. This scenario kind of happened again after we reconnected back in May/June of 2021. Since he and his wife had separated recently, he made it clear he didn’t want to enter anything new, no dating or romantic partnership until later down the line, but he wasn’t sure about sexual, so he left that up to me to think about. When I told him no, he agreed, but I was never sure if his response would’ve been different if I had said yes.

Anyway, continuing…I felt very stuck, and it was something I brought up all the time in therapy. I didn’t know how to get unstuck. I was only a temp at my job at the time, and I didn’t have health insurance or any time off. NJ didn’t enact the statewide mandate that all employees must be given at least 2 sick days a year until the same month I was finally hired permanently, so if I took any time off, I didn’t get paid for it. (I just looked it up to confirm the date it was enacted to make sure I had it right, and apparently it’s 40 hours now that are mandatory, which is cool they improved the policy!!) I worked a second job and still lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn’t afford to spend more than $20-$30 a week on groceries, which included toiletries and cleaning supplies. I had to stop paying my electric bill because I couldn’t afford it and I needed the shut-off notice to get assistance to help pay for the bill, which thankfully covered several months and also covered my past-due amounts. My apartment was old and shitty, but it was the only place that was affordable for me at the time. My first year there was $715 a month then the 2nd year was $740. It was definitely a health hazard though: the carpets were musty despite several cleanings; there was water damage in the wall and on the ceiling; the water damage on the ceiling was above my bed, which I couldn’t move anywhere else, and kept forming mold that my complex just kept painting over; the front door wasn’t fit right so there were huge gaps between the door and the frame; the water heater would switch to cold after only 5 or 10 minutes in the shower; and the heating system was so old that in the winter it cost me $200+ just to heat my tiny little 400 square foot studio apartment (it was all electric). I couldn’t interview for other jobs because that meant I wouldn’t get paid if I took time off and then that meant I’d have to stress even more over what bill wouldn’t get paid or if I’d have to eat even less than my 2 meals a day. I had to make sure my cat and guinea pig were fed before I fed myself. At my other job, I worked Sunday brunches, which were the most stressful and busiest shifts, so no other hostess wanted to partner with working on them let alone working it by themselves, which often led to me working the whole shift by myself, and I took up other shifts if I had the time or energy to. My mental health was not great and was only made worse by my life circumstances, and I had to go on a second anxiety medication for a while to stop my anxiety attacks.

I wanted to be out of the situation with Scott, even if that meant leaving to go work someplace else, but I was already doing everything I could and I still couldn’t find a way out without jeopardizing my well-being even further. Moving back in with my mom, which was something I eventually did and regretted, was not an option for me because I worked really hard to get out of the abusive household I grew up in. I say all of this not as an excuse but for context. And for forgiveness. I look back at my younger self and she was dealing with so much stress. My basic needs were not even being fully met, but I continued to show up and to handle things in the best ways I could, and sometimes the decisions I made weren’t actually good ones at all. Still though, I kept believing in people, I kept hoping for the best and trusting, and I was actually really grateful for my life at the time, probably even more so than I am now. I didn’t have much, but I had my own place, my own life, freedom, and that was always something I held onto, even during the worst of things. I tried desperately to find a way to let go of my feelings for Scott, but I couldn’t help how I felt because I kept choosing to see the best while ignoring the rest. It took me a very long time to realize Scott was not the one for me and that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted as my romantic partner. I didn’t accept him fully, flaws and all, and we were not compatible in the ways we needed to be. I wouldn’t have been happy if we did get together, but unfortunately I didn’t see all of that until after he left my work, separated from his wife, and reached out to me on Instagram to connect again and start what would eventually become a “situationship” between us. Still, I’m glad I saw it sooner rather than later and before it devolved into an actual romantic relationship.

So when I could feel myself hesitation the first time and then shaking the second time when I went to ask Chris if he was single, it was from that past period of my life. I saw it all flash in my mind immediately: all the times I confronted Scott and the answers I got back, and all of the sureness and trust I felt about Chris was immediately squashed by those images. I wrote about a bunch of parallels in my post after my appointment with him, but I wanted to dive a bit deeper into that here in a broader sense. Man at his work flirting with me. Check. Man makes it known he’s interested, then doesn’t take it anywhere. Check. Man offers no explanation whatsoever for that. Check. Man does not willingly mention his relationship status. Check. Man is cautious about what information he gives about himself and words things so that while he can respond, he never actually reveals anything about himself or his life. Check. In someone else’s mind, those might just be indicators of someone who is reserved, guarded, private, whatever. In my mind, those checks are potential red flags. Those checked boxes come with the thoughts, “Oh no, am I going to flirt with an unavailable man again? Am I going to get caught in a similar situation that causes me a lot of duress and emotional pain? Am I going to unwillingly be complicit in some man’s selfish attempts at getting attention from me?” Chris doesn’t know any of that. I felt disappointed in myself after my appointment, and I felt like I had probably disappointed him too, though I don’t know for sure. If I had the chance to tell him why, I would, even if I had to sum it up briefly. I mean, I guess I could just say how I was in a situation with someone before where they weren’t trustworthy and it affected me more than I realized. Turns out traumatic things actually traumatize you. Who knew? 🙃 That’s assuming it’s even necessary for me to explain, since I have no idea at this point if Chris is still interested. He hasn’t brought up the date, and I have tried to initiate meeting up twice with no luck. I’m willing to be patient and wait, but I don’t know exactly what it is I’m waiting for. Is there really a possibility this can go somewhere, or am I being duped again? I didn’t reach out for 2 ½ months, but then last weekend I texted him, and it took several days for us to send only a few messages. He only responded once or twice a day, and then he did that thing again where he told me to have a wonderful day at the end of his message, then when I responded back with a bit more, he never responded back. I still don’t know how to take that. He did say he’s been getting sick like every other week, which is weird cuz that’s exactly what happened to me in the beginning of the year, so I can understand he may not be up for talking to anyone or even checking his phone at all, but I don’t know if that’s what it was or not. I don’t mind slow responses, but it would help to know what was going on and where I stand. Otherwise, it confuses me and I don’t know what to make of it.

I also don’t know if I’m being too impatient? He gave me his number last May and didn’t mention going on a date until December. Obviously, with how this year has gone just for me alone, not including him being sick and whatever else he has going on, nothing could have really happened since he mentioned the date. Maybe I’m being too hopeful? I don’t know 😕 I also don’t know if I have worked through what I needed to regarding Scott, because I have nothing to trigger it. That time of my life when we worked together was triggered only when an outside catalyst brought it up, one that placed me back in a moment that was similar and reminded me of it. The only way I’ll really know for sure that I’ve overcome all of this and am ready to step forward without the past holding me back is when I’m with Chris. There’s no one else I’m interested in, I’m rarely ever into anyone anyway, I don’t like random dating, and I have no interest in hooking up with random people, so there is literally not a single other person who can do this. I can’t know on my own; I can only do the work and hope that I’ve made progress with it and healed from it. At this point, I guess I’ll find out soon enough if I can pursue Chris without old baggage weighing me down since my appointment is coming up. I know I will still probably have some trepidations and fears that pop up, but as long as the most traumatic things are taken care of, I can push through all the other stuff.

I had my yearly appointment with the oral surgeon scheduled for the 15th of this month to make sure the dense spot in my jaw bone hasn’t grown, but he won’t be in that day so it got pushed back to the 29th. My next cleaning with Chris is scheduled for 2 ½ weeks later on May 16th. I feel nervous even thinking about it. At my last appointment I wasn’t sure what to expect since over the course of 6 months he only reached out to me 2 or 3 times, and after a while I gave up on reaching out to him because I was confused. I was determined to see him during this current time frame before my next appointment, but it looks like that isn’t going to happen. I feel like I’m going to really put myself out there and take some risks when my appointment does come around. Nothing is moving along, which I know we’re both contributing to, so I want to at least feel good knowing that I did my part, and I don’t feel that way yet. So far, I’ve relied on past trauma and doubt to take the lead more than I’ve allowed the present and trust to do so, and I want to flip that now. I have been trying not to think about everything with Chris that has been shouting “GREEN FLAG!!” at me because a lot of it isn’t logical but rather intuitive and spiritual, but I think that those places are where the answer actually lies. Overthinking gets me nowhere, so I have to stop letting it be an option. I can still be cautious, but not to a degree where it is detrimental to anything happening at all.

Aside from past trauma interfering there’s definitely been a few other things that have contributed to my lack of pursuit here. In general, I never know how people perceive me. I have always felt like I come off as unlikable, so even when people tell me good things about myself, I struggle to hold onto those things and believe in them. I’ve been trying to shift that because I know that is a belief I hold and not necessarily one that is true. I’m sure there have been people who genuinely have not liked me as a person, but with 8 billion people in the world, odds are at least some of them do or will like me. I mean, I do have friends and the one and only yoga class I teach at the moment continues to get a lot of students, so that all has to say something. I think a big part of that belief I hold also stems from childhood trauma, but I can’t remember when it started. For as long as I can remember, it feels like I’ve always felt that way about myself. So when Chris literally doesn’t talk to me, takes a whole day to respond when I reach out, and then hasn’t actually planned the date that he brought up months ago, I just assume the worst. Logically, I know there could be a whole host of other reasons that might not have anything to do with me, or maybe even something else that does, but it’s hard for me to shake off how I’ve thought about myself for pretty much my entire life. So in my mind, a quick assumption that pops up is that I’m bothering Chris when he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to place any assumptions or expectations on him, but untangling those is difficult and is taking longer than I would like them to. This is something that I actually personally started working on years ago, and while it might not be apparent, I’ve made a TON of progress with it. I used to be a lot worse with it, but I still have some ways to go. I know that it’s my responsibility to find peace within myself no matter what external circumstances look like. Anway, back to the other stuff. There’s also been the other things that have been taking forever, like feeling at peace with the Scott situation, which I feel like has finally freaking happened, and then personal accountability I have with other things, like my ADD, which I’m still working on finding the right medication for. I have to remind myself though that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress. I tend to be in this “Everything needs to be perfect before anything can happen” mindset (with everything, not just romance), but in reality, things will never be perfect. If anything is ever 100% perfect and nothing is going wrong, it won’t last forever. Even the bad stuff doesn’t. The person meant for me won’t care and will want to handle all our messes together. But first I have to show up and be willing to tackle all those things on my own to the best of my abilities. I think I have been doing that, but I need to expand it a bit more to everything, and not just the more immediate things. My mental health struggles don’t make it any easier, but that only means I have to be more gentle and understanding with myself while continuing to work towards finding solutions, that’s all.

I’ve also struggled with that aspect of forgiving myself for past mistakes, not just the ones I made regarding Scott but with other things as well. I wonder why I deserve the relationship and connection I desire, what makes me so great and special as to receive it, and whether I’m even worthy of someone looking at me and knowing that I’m it for them. I wrote about this in my daily poem the other night. It was about a bunch of stuff but Chris was included in it. I’m not going to post the actual wording of what I wrote because I’m not ready to share that poem yet, even though that particular section is my favorite within the whole piece, but essentially what I said was how being with Chris would be like accepting forgiveness for myself. I want that, I just haven’t fully gotten there yet, and I’m not sure whether it needs to be mostly complete before anything can happen or if it’s okay that it remains a bit of a work-in-progress if and after things do get rolling. I’m hoping for the latter. I know it might sound kind of crazy that I fear forgiveness, but that is really what it is at its core: fear. I am tired of fear. I know that it’s a survival mechanism that kicks in and so I will never be able to be completely rid of certain ones, but I can at least shift my relationship with it. Taking a page out of Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic here in saying that fear will always be in the car, but I do not need to let it steer the wheel or even sit in the passenger seat. It can stay in the backseat where it holds no control. I’m afraid of making the wrong choices again with someone and of getting myself in a similar situation as before, but that fear isn’t going to get me closer to anyone; it’s only going to keep me alone and afraid. I asked myself what is the worst that could happen if I do end up in the same situation, and the outcome was honestly not that bad. At the worst, I’d block Chris, find a new dentist office, and work on healing again. I could be grateful that it isn’t exactly the same as before, that I have more agency and options now and am not stuck like how I was in my situation with Scott, and that me being deceived would only say something bad about Chris and not me. Of course I'll be really disappointed, and I might also struggle with trusting myself and relying on my gut to tell me if someone is trustworthy, but I can work through all of that with time. When I take a look at all of that, it’s really not that bad. Yes, it would suck, but I’d get through it. Even as I write this though, I don’t think any of that will come to fruition. When I question and second-guess everything, asking the “what ifs” and doing the whole comparison thing, that fear builds in my chest and I think about how I can’t do this, I must be crazy to think that I can trust that trusting feeling that I feel with Chris. But when I close my eyes and take a moment to think clearly about Chris, letting myself remember his energy - the curiosity, comfort, warmth, gentleness, brightness, and pureness of it - that is when I know. That is when the truth of who he is makes itself known. I will never find the truth of him by looking at someone else’s actions, words, and energy. I will never find Chris by looking back at my relationship with someone else. I can only find Chris in Chris. I can only find any truth about what is going on by looking at my experiences with him and him alone. That is a very difficult and enormous shift I have been trying to make, but despite the doubts that creep into my mind, I believe that I can do it and that it is possible. Yes, I have to keep in mind that I could be wrong about him, but right now I am not giving enough energy to the thought that I could be right.

When I had last year’s appointment with the oral surgeon, I was also kind of in the same space, but it was only about whether or not Chris was interested in me. I didn’t really have much to go off of except 3 things: he did a double-take when he saw me, he was asking me questions that I was sure he was not asking everyone else (or at least with the same intention), and I just had an overall feeling. Well, okay, there was a bunch of other stuff, but I meant things that are a bit more tangible, I guess you could say. I’ve never been wrong in my life about someone being interested in me, I always just know, but I was accepting of the possibility that I could be wrong this time. I had told both of my best friends about everything, and it was kind of similar to what was going on in my head: Stacy was really supportive, said he was definitely into me, and that I should go for it, while Amanda said I could be reading things wrong, that intuition can’t always be trusted, and that it wasn’t enough to go off of. It’s funny cuz Amanda and I tend to have more views in common than Stacy and I do, but I ended up taking the more positive route, the one that Stacy supported. Amanda also is not very optimistic on the romantic front whereas I am, so this is something that we differ a lot on. I also don’t believe that intuition ever lies. For me, there’s always been a very strong distinction between emotions, thoughts, and intuition, so while I was still open to being wrong, I decided to trust my intuition more than my mind. Then when I was at my appointment with the oral surgeon, as soon as I crossed paths with Chris and our eyes met, I knew instantly that he was going to give me his number, and at my next appointment, he did. I have not been wrong about anything so far, and I’ve been trying to trust myself more, open my intuitive capabilities even wider, and I can’t do that if I’m always in my head about things. This one poem by Erin Hanson popped into my head and it feels relevant here: “There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?” I keep asking myself over and over, “What if I’m wrong?” but then there’s also a voice that follows it and asks, “But what if I’m right?” I won’t know unless I take a chance. I have always taken chances on the wrong people, and I don’t want that to deter me from trying again, because then I could miss out on the right person. I have to try. If I’m wrong, then I’ll deal with that when the time comes, and at least I can say that I tried and took a chance. If I’m right, then my life could possibly be changed forever.

I have tried so hard not to have hopes, because hope always brought me disappointment, but before, I only thought I knew, when in reality I was ignoring the actual knowing voice. This is different. I don't think I know, I do know. I've always known, and I've tried not to know. It's the opposite of how it's always been. If I trust this, it could potentially have a different outcome than all those other times too. I’ve been questioning and second-guessing and doubting, when deep down inside I’m being told to trust. I can’t predict the outcome of this situation, but I know I can trust whatever this is, and I need to lean into that without any more hesitation. I know. I know it’s safe to trust this. I read a lot of comics/manhwas in the Webtoon app, and right now I’ve been trying to read completed ones so I can focus more on current ones, and one I’m reading right now is called Aerial Magic. It’s about a young witch who can’t read spells, and she had trouble finding an apprenticeship that would take her. She applied to over 400 different places, and only 1 responded, which is the place she’s apprenticing at. While on the phone with her dad, she said she got lucky, and her dad responded that she was dismissing her hard work and that “It isn’t luck that you found the right person. It’s because you kept on reaching out and you refused to stop until you found someone who reached back.” How many people give up? How many people settle? How many people stop trying to grow and do better, or think there’s a limit to how much they’re able to improve, or believe it’s only the other person who needs to be improving and doing the work? I have never given up on myself and what I know I can have and is possible for me. Despite any doubts or perceived limitations, whether from myself or others, I’ve always pushed through. I may move slowly, but I never stop moving. All of my previous failed attempts at finding my person were stepping stones. I let those people and situations rip me apart, and then I put myself back together again, even when I didn’t want to do it. The thought that I have to has always driven me. I’ve never seen any other choice. When I looked at myself and adjusted to the newness of who I was with those pieces put back together, I realized that I somehow was more beautiful and more resilient. I grew, and while those growing pains hurt, they never stopped me. Growth is never easy, and more often than not the most growth comes from the hardest circumstances, but it’s necessary if we want to become our best selves. The growth we are looking for doesn’t come without the sacrifice of our own ease and comfort. We must go through it and heal it, and then we come out better for it.

Also, things I’ve felt and experienced with Chris have never happened before. There’s been a lot, and I wrote about some of them in past posts, although now that I’m thinking about it, some of it I might not have actually posted. I never made my one private post public, made a second private post I also never made public and then forgot about, and I started a Google docs draft writing about a ton of stuff last year that I never finished or posted, so some things I think I posted might not be on here. Oops lol I like to have all my stuff in one place, but whatever. I know certain things I definitely didn’t write about, but there’s less of those than ones I did write about. Anyway, my point is, I’m skipping that to write about something else I haven’t yet, or at least haven’t written about in great detail. It’s Chris’s energy, and how I can sense it. I’ve always been able to pick up on other people’s energies, like the essence of who they are, to a certain degree, but mostly I just feel emotions coming off of people, especially strong ones. I’m not sure if everyone is like that? I used to think so, until I was watching some astrology reel on Youtube not too long ago and of course a bunch of grown ass men who think they’re amazing for shitting on people’s interests that have nothing to do with them infiltrated the comment section. One of the comment threads was how people don’t give off “energy” and that there’s no such thing, from a scientific perspective, which didn’t sound right to me cuz I thought science literally explained how everything was energy, but sure go off, dude, whatever. That really confused me cuz I thought I was in my head a lot but maybe there are people so disconnected from themselves that they literally do not pick up on these types of things. Anyway, people I am closer with or was close with at one point have stronger energies to me. But ummm I’ve never felt anyone’s energy as strongly as I feel Chris’s. Especially considering I have only met him a handful of times, so it shouldn’t be that way. It was actually the first thing I noticed about him. I mean, he did have a mask on, but even then, I’ve been to plenty of doctors or other health places where they wear masks the whole time, and this has not happened with any of them. I remember the two times I was there before my first appointment with Chris, he was up at the front desk with his mask on, and both times he said we had similar last names. He didn’t look at me either time when he said it, just kind of tilted his head toward his right shoulder in my direction, and I didn’t think anything in particular about him; I only remember feeling curious, but even that wasn’t something I noticed consciously until later, so I quickly forgot about it each time. At my first appointment, I remember he did a double-take, and I didn’t look at him as a natural self-defense mechanism, but when I got back to the room with him, my defense was gone. That doesn’t happen. I always remember to keep it up, no matter what is going on around me. I didn’t even notice I had dropped it when I was with Chris. When I walked into the room behind him, he asked if I wanted him to hang my bag up for me, which I declined. That’s when my first impression of him hit: he was warm and bright. Not just because of his gesture, but his whole being. I felt the warmth and I saw this glow around him. I was thinking earlier about how I am virtually unphased by a lot of things that should probably phase me. This moment - well, my entire first appointment tbh - should have been one of those moments. Even at all my other appointments, there are things I have no logical explanation for and yet, I have remained nothing but calm and collected during all of it. Honestly, now that I’m thinking about it again, that is so insane haha.

I wasn’t going to write about this other thing, but since I probably already sound like I’m off my rocker, might as well just keep going a bit longer. Okay so, Chris’s eyes. I don’t know if he believes me cuz I’ve only ever commented on his eyes after he’s said something about mine, but asdfghjkl. I lose my absolute MIND over his eyes. This is going to be so freeing to write about. I can feel it. Okay so yeah, at my first appointment I only looked into his eyes once. It was when he was shocked I said I was 30 and I turned my head to look at him. His brown eyes were wide in disbelief. In that moment, I felt like 100 different things. I didn’t look long, but when I turned my head back, I had this strange sort of feeling. Well, first, I corrected myself by saying I was actually 31, and then I remember feeling some sort of weird intensity I had never felt before. I didn’t know what it was, so I felt embarrassed and didn’t look into his eyes again the rest of my time there. Later though, I figured it out. Chris’s eyes are so deep, yet still so bright. There is a depth there that seems to go on endlessly, like an entire other universe, and I wanted to know what was there. That was what I felt embarrassed about, but I couldn’t figure it out at that moment. I had no idea because I had never felt that before. I felt like I wanted to explore everything behind those eyes. I also felt seen and understood, which made no sense to me because there was nothing to see or understand. Maybe in general, like me as a person overall, but not in that particular moment. I still feel all of this when I look into his eyes, and after my last appointment with him, a few times when I was looking in the mirror, I had to do a double-take because I kept seeing his eyes before I saw my own. I know, I sound so psycho 😭 I wish I didn’t. I wish I had some sort of explanation, but I don’t. All I have is all this stuff that has happened and all the things I have felt, and this isn’t even the craziest of it. I still haven’t written about one thing that happened because it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Chris first, though that may never happen anyway. Maybe this is all nothing. Maybe this is…fake? Not real? A blip in the universe? Well - many blips in the universe? I can’t even take any guesses because what am I supposed to even guess at? He’s still just my dental hygienist and I’m still just his patient. There’s no relationship to comment on, little progress to point to, and barely any further interaction to make this stuff feel more tangible and less like I’m a little psychopath. There’s literally nothing to even guess at because these weird little things are all that exist from this. I can’t even talk to Chris about it because he doesn’t talk to me 😑😑😑 These intangible things are all I have. They’re all that’s really tethering me to trust because in the physical world, everything only points to confusion and doubt. This is all I have. I’m either being spiritually led in the direction of something really great, or I have some sort of serious brain injury that only makes itself known in Chris’s presence. I don’t think there’s anything in-between that would rationalize all of this stuff that I’ve seen and experienced.

That brings me around to what I’m going to do. First, I have to decide what I’m willing to live with: the pain of being used again or the pain of missing out. I already know which option I’m going to choose though, and I know what I’m going to do about it. Just like this time last year, I’m going to take the approach of seeing how Chris responds to me at my appointment with the oral surgeon. I assume we’ll cross paths like we have at all my other appointments. If it’s negative, sucks for me, and the result will probably be me crying when I get home because it does not take much to make me cry lol. If it’s positive, great, I plan to make some moves during my next appointment with him. I may have lost my chance at this point, but I’m hoping I haven’t. If I haven’t, awesome, I plan to treat my next appointment with him as a pivotal point in regards to whether things progress or not. So far, Chris has really put himself out there. He’s taken chances on me and I really haven’t responded positively back to him. I mean, I guess you could say the same for me taking chances on him in regards to trying to meet up and him not really responding great, but I’m not going to count that. I’m going to count in-person stuff only. I have roughly 5 weeks to: make sure I work through any lingering potential past romantic trauma that could interfere (this is also for myself too), come up with a coping plan in case something does come up, brush up on my flirting skills so I don’t freeze in the moment (tbh idk how I’m going to do this, maybe in the meantime just keep taking mental notes of all the stuff I like about Chris and hope it helps me seize an opportune moment to be flirty when the time comes), and continue to prioritize my mental health so I don’t get overwhelmed and overstimulated by all the excitement, which will also help with the flirting aspect. That….is a small list but actually a huge load of stuff to take care of in a month’s time. Anyway!! I’m still going to hope for the best. The other stuff doesn’t have to be 100% dealt with, but my #1 priority is making sure Chris feels good and that I make it apparent that “Yes I am into you and I’m sorry I’ve been struggling so much to show you that!!”. Well, I can leave out the apology bit, but yeah, the first part gets a thumbs up. Maybe that’s why Chris hasn’t initiated anything. Maybe he thinks I’m not that interested or only in it for self-gain, neither of which are true at all. I struggle a lot. I struggle with so many things and then I suck at articulating and explaining myself. In fact, when I do try to articulate or explain, I somehow always end up making things worse. It’s better for me to just wipe the slate clean, start fresh, and then hope that if he asks about something I can explain without embarrassing myself further. Maybe he wants me to ask about our date, but since he’s the one that brought it up in the first place, I feel kinda weird asking “So uhhh our date?” Maybe I’m overthinking all of this and it really is as simple as: if he’s not reaching out, then he’s not interested or is just fucking with me for whatever reason.

I’m tired, man. I’m tired of always being in a place of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain. Waiting to be treated poorly. Waiting for the betrayal. Waiting for the anger. Waiting to be told or shown how I’m not enough. I think to myself, Who will not make me flinch? This all goes way beyond Scott; a large part of my experiences with men, for a majority of my life, have not been positive. Some have even been dangerously negative. I think a part of me is always going to have some fear about being hurt until I’m with someone who doesn’t hurt me in big ways, and the little ones they work with me on and try to make up for. I will gladly give them the same in return. I’m never going to find that person unless I take a chance on them. I want to take the chance on someone who is worth it, and I feel that Chris is. I want my choices in life to reflect that I didn’t give up, that I kept believing in something higher and took the steps I needed in order to actualize that higher life for myself, even if I did so imperfectly with mistakes along the way.

I had a bunch of other stuff I was going to write about but I’ve already been coming back to this over the course of two weeks and it’s getting too long, so I’ll end here for now.

Umm Chris if somehow you’ve found my anonymous blog, which I’m hoping you haven’t, I apologize if any of this sounded weird or made you uncomfortable 😭 Feel free to never talk to me again if that’s the case. If not, see you in a few weeks 🥰

#here's the novel no one asked for #personal #chris #idk what else to tag #i feel bad only tagging chris aside from personal lol #my overthinking strikes again #even in the tags #whomp whomp

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chevvy-yates · 1 year ago

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🖊️ 🖊️ 🖊️ 🖊️ feed me with loooooooore !!!

it's four pens, so I assume it's for the four boys.

Hm what to tell you, that you possibly do not know yet? xD

I have something to tell about Thyjs but gushing about this would be wrong so I sit and think right now for something else as a post with a ptsd topic will be for another post.

hmm…

What I love about Thyjs is when I imagine him talking, he always has his Dutch accent somehow. Like he can talk and understand English perfectly, but still a lot of words he speaks with Dutch accent and because he is not used to talk all English only, he throws in Dutch words as well. With Ryder around he can do that because Ry as a German might understand him easily but I imagine Vijay, Jay, Arki and others just looking at him stupid having trouble to follow/understand. Idk, I find it extremely funny when I imagine it.

I do headcanon as well that Thyjs, since he's mostly well reserved and talks less when with the squad, he may sound a little quirky when he actually says something that is supposed to be funny since he's not used to showing lots of emotions (yet) as he shut them down during his Militech career which has to do with the mentioned ptsd together with some emotional numbness he has experienced during his soldier career. He has yet to relearn it.

Ryder – seriously – him existing is all I need. <3

My little precious pixel boy. Writing his backstory made me love him more and more. And I'm so happy that so many here on tblr like him, too! Because I feared he would not be liked as he comes in black and looks often frightening (I know some people have had respect and were also scared of me in a way bc they told me xD) But I've read so many tags he's a favorite amongst other ocs they like and that makes me super happy and also very proud.

What else can I tell?

Ryder likes to take fashion-like pics. He's done it in the past (together with the BD stuff) and loves to pose in front of a camera (even though he has problems talking to strangers and forming bonds/relationships). When he can pose in cool (or naughty) clothings he feels different and somehow he loves the attention for that moment he’s got. I can imagine if he didn't become a merc (and wouldn't have his problem called BEAST) he would have become a model for dark fashion. So if you are in need of a model for dark clothes, give Ryder a call! :D

Ryder collects 'useless' things. Like things that are just maximal for decoration. He's got a huge collection of various gemstones and crystals. Some he placed around in his apartment. He also has a beer collection of unopened bottles from all over the world. Totally useless as he doesn’t drink them. They are all banned in a cupboard because they took too much room on visible shelves as Ryder needs to have everything ordinary.

I like to headcanon, that Thyjs is a little careless about his own stuff so he won't place his shoes where they belong after taking them off, leave his clothes in the bathroom on the counter or hung lose over a chair. His cartridges and ammunition boxes often stand on the couch table and I see Ryder always cleaning up behind him as he cannot stand to see the things where they do not belong. So once Thyjs is away or in the shower Ryder turns into a cleaning machine and Thyjs will never find his stuff again so he's got to ask Ryder later. I imagine they might get into a little argue here and then but nothing wild. Thyjs just accepts Ryder’s compulsion as Ry is super stubborn anyways and after all this is still his apartment (but they do share the rent once it’s decided Thyjs stays).

Sometimes however Ryder may have enough and tell Thyjs a little grumpy that Thyjs should clean e.g. the dishes when Thyjs starts his "Talk dirty to me, lekker ding!"

Jaysen likes to klep things from his friends just for fun, to watch them search for it all day long amuses him to no end just to go in like it "Hey I think I've found what you searchin' for?" x) Like when Enzo lost a tool to work on his car and swears he's placed it there but cannot find it – first few times he may never assume Jay could have taken it on purpose. But the more Jay does it, Enzo will see through that I assume x).

Anyways, what I want to say with it, is that Jaysen likes to do mischief amongst his friends and he often doesn't care if they find it funny or not (most of the time it is the latter). He will always be the little devil in the squad causing mayhem and bring the team trouble but Vijay will remind him not to do this and that, but then Jay will be like "I do not take orders by my little brother!" and laugh. Vijay doesn't take this of course. It can end in them fighting for who is stronger, while the others just watch and one of them says "siblings …"

It definitely feels weird at first having 'a brother' for real for both of them. Jay knew about Vijay, V not but yet still it felt weird from the moment they saw each other as they are identical twins. You can just very well distinguish because they do have different optics and cyberware and Vijay chose to have a beard. But in the past Vijay looked exactly like Jaysen minus the optics and eye cyberware. If Vijay didn’t have his accident getting him the artificial thyroid Jay and V would even sound almost the same when speaking.

Vijay was studying Marine Biology at NC's university for the first two years, as he intended to go back to his hometown afterwards to help maintain sea life in the ocean near Monterey, that is currently the only place left where you can still see animals in the ocean or in the aquarium because the bay is under a special protection project in the process to regain some animals as well.* The city has a huge storage with every sea animal's DNA to revive and clone.

I just love the thought of Vijay being a marine biologist, helping the best he can to revive the sealife and keep it alive in the rare places that aren't polluted, yes. If he didn't went to be a merc he would definitely do that – dedicate his whole life to this, even risk his life and still would make use of his netrunning skills as I see him being able to hack whaling/fishing ships to make them immovable so they can enter it and capture the gonks who e.g. catch sharks just to cut their fins off.

Vijay is also very sensible about the topic of eating fish in general. And he hates literally everyone who supports shark finning just by eating shark fin soup. Do not dare to mess with him on those topics – you will lose, no matter if he would do that job or not. He's read himself into it all and is an expert since it is one of his 'free time' activities to still educate himself about this and he gives a lot of his earned money to the Aquarium and other animal rescue facilities so they can continue on with the goal to revive extinct species because that aquarium is not for tourists anymore as it used to be (in our real life).**

*This is my very own headcanon as I know almost all sea life seems to have gone extinct but I refuse to accept this, even sharks didn't die in my canon, sorry not sorry.

**I stood in front of it and wanted to visit it but didn't have enough time as I had only one day to explore Monterey and the area around by bike. I would still visit it even though I am not a fan of zoos and aquariums anymore (Tokyo zoo opened my eyes a few years back) and do not support it. But I'm still curious how they keep the animals there and how big the tanks are. I mean they will never be appropriate as appropriate for wild animals is only liberty. But I want to have a final comparison to European and Asian zoos/aquariums. So I would still visit that one. And then watch and learn/study how the animals behave in their tanks and cages.

#oc asks #about: thyjs de wit #about: ryder von scharfenberg #about: jaysen steyr #about: vijay steyr #thanks for asking <3

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caxycreations · 1 year ago

Text

Today, and once upon a time...

I would normally post this on @caxycreationsvrc but something tells me I should put this here. I don't know what or why.

These pictures. These stupid, silly little pictures in VRChat of my avatar, holding pancakes, sitting cross-legged on the floor, have so much to tell.

Let me start with the bottom two.

They're old. I had just recently learned how to put clothes on an avatar, able to equip or unequip them in-game, and that outfit was my only one. The collar wasn't toggleable because I was "owned" at the time and didn't want to be able to take it off so easily. I would never take it off, so why add a toggle? I was dating three men at the time: We'll call them J, DJ, and N. J had head trauma that resulted in irregular bouts of amnesia. He would go a couple months, then suffer a bout of amnesia and need to relearn where he was in life. It was hard. DJ was as loving as they came, but very focused. Very particular about how he doled out his love. N was devoted, possessive in all the ways I liked, and was the closest to my heart. You can almost see it in my eyes, the innocent, youthful hope that nothing would ever change, that I would have these three men forever. You can see I had lighter colors, rounded pupils, I was so fresh and excited and young and naïve and stupid.

And then we come to today. The top two pictures.

Darker fur. Darker jacket. Hair to hide half my face. Piercings to adorn the other half. Pupils are smaller, sharper. The collar is gone. So is the hope, and the youth, and the ignorance. I recreated these photos in jest, hoping to showcase a matter of improving on my avatars and showing that even after all this time, it's still me. But it isn't. I look at these and I see two wholly different people. I see Aazoth below, clinging to hope, smiling like everything is perfectly fine, giving in and submitting to every painful exclusion and whim his "mates" push on him. And I see myself above, drained and tired, devoid of the energy needed to truly love with all my heart again because I have given it away so many times and had it return battered and bruised and scarred and torn that there isn't enough left to give to anyone else. I see pain in those eyes. I look at these images and I realize how far I've come, but not in the way I had hoped. I realize how far I've come and it leaves me reeling with the knowledge that no matter how much I smile and no matter how much I joke, and play, and laugh, it will never hide the look in those eyes. Love and friendship left me hollow and afraid and scarred in ways you can't see on my body. But you can see it plain as day in those eyes. Or at the very least....

I can.

#vent #vrchat #vrchat photography #vr photography #tw vent #cw vent

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karastroph1c · 2 years ago

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⊶An introduction to: Yaretzi D'macro⊷

◈Name meaning Yaretzi: The name is of Aztec origin, with the meaning being "You will always be loved" With Raea giving this name to her daughter so she'll know that no matter what happens. Her mother will love her, and will watch every step she takes. D'macro: This one is actually a pun, as a "macro" is a programming pattern that specifies how a certain input should be mapped to a replacement output. This is in reference to Raea birthing Yaretzi so she can 'pass the torch' when she dies ◈ Kanji(?) ヤレツィ ◈Age 18 ◈ Height 5'8 ◈Ethnicity Greek/Puerican ◈Birthday February 31st ◈Gender Female ◈Zodiac Pisces: The water element and the ruling planet of Neptune, Pisces are in tuned with their emotions, and are able to judge whether someone is good or bad. With a strong moral compass and a sensitive heart, Yaretzi BARELY fits with her stupid little sign. ◈Birthstone Amethystos: A remedy against drunkenness, as the Greeks thought it could prevent intoxication. It's associated with Bacchus due to its wine like color. Raea would wrap a necklace made from it before sending Yaretzi off to school after forcing her to drink a cup of Alcopop because she 'needed' it. At first, she loved her little necklace even though it always felt snug and tight. Because she thought it was gifted out of love, but now she can't stand to look at the purple dog collar, let alone the gem itself. Crushing it under her foot when she arrived at Japan was cathartic. ◈Occupation ⚬ 3rd year student at Ryoutei Academy ⚬Waitress: Because when your greedy as hell $700 a month isn't enough (and 5-dollar coffee money stacks up sadly). Yaretzi was strolling down the streets of Tokyo until she sees this big, pink cafe and just stares in awe. One of the waitresses beckons her to come in and she realizes it's one of those themed bars and all the staff were dressed as magical girls. This woman goes BERSERK and spends over $50 on desserts and soda and the extra $30 went in her server's pocket as a tip. Needless to say, she's very much welcomed there and was even more welcomed to apply as a waitress. Now she calls herself 'MAGICAL GIRL OF PURITY YARETZI!!!!' and poses like a dumbass at work. She only hopes nobody she knows sees her. ◈ Languages ⚬ English: Her native tongue, she's been speaking it all her life so there's not really much to say. ⚬Greek: Another language she's fluent in. Her mother taught her in the 5th grade because she wanted her daughter to learn more about her heritage. After years of studying the words flow out of her tongue as easily as English. ⚬Japanese: Yaretzi would rather shit out glass than relearn kanji. Hiragana was fine, Katakana was tricky, but she jumped over that hurdle. But KANJI? No, never again.

BACKSTORY SNIPLET

By the time I finish writing this my sister and I will be long gone from this place, and because of that I can finally call this 'place' a hellhole. But do not be mistaken, I'm in no rush to finish this note just as Yaretzi and I are in no rush to leave. The sounds of screaming will make our ears bleed no more and the smell of blood will curl our stomachs will cease to be. I'd like to believe our very mother is ceased to exist as well. After all, consuming such a race is bound to have side effects to the human body. I don't know who will find this note first, our mother or someone else. But please know we were, despite everything, good children. Yaretzi, IS a good child. She resists freedom and will always resist freedom for the sake of our mother. She will reject stable impulse for the sake of Raea. She will deny stable values for Raea. I'm getting a bit too emotional, so I'll cut this short. I pray the day Yaretzi finds her place in the world our mother won't be present when she looks in the mirror and instead the sweet little girl deserving of love.

#diabolik lovers oc #dl oc #Yaretzi D'macro #California was so bad last month I had to keep delaying this #Not to mention drawing for Valentines day also #So the askbox thing is always open if you wanna ask about her #I really wanted to make this longer but power outages said lmao no #diabolik lovers #Spotify

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velvetporcelain · 1 year ago

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Grand rising mon coeur.

I woke up with him being one of the first thoughts that sweep through my mind but that is all the energy or thought I will give it today. I’m tired of my body consistently being brought back in time.

I feel like I got so much out of my head yesterday and I woke up feeling regulated, but not “in line” but I never really stand at attention for myself. I’m happy I made it through the night.

I love finding words to perfectly describe how I feel, or felt because it sorta cancels them out in some sorta of odd way that maybe I cannot explain.

Yes. I felt like a stupid lamb. Now, I feel like a wolf, relearning a whole new skill set and instincts takes time, patience, energy and discipline, all those, I have. I no longer wish to walk this earth with the mentality of a victim. I was aware of my choices, it’s just that he was more powerful than me, and recognized the lamb in wolves clothing. Look at me putting more thought into it than I said I was going to. Ha. Sometimes you just need to let it ride.

Today I want to take my children to the art museum. They are having a day of hands on interaction and I think it would really be stimulating for them. I wish I had a bigger car so I can let them bring friends with. But all in due time.

Ah- my book 📖, the memoir of Höss. I found myself completely immersed in it yesterday. I really got to know this man on a psychological level. He was not ashamed nor afraid to tell everything and anything about his life really. I’m sure there are things he took to his grave, but I’m still not seeing how he could become apart of one of the most violent groups of human beings known in history. His time in prison changed his life. Mentally he was very strong and managed well throughout his sentence. This is before the penitentiary had regulations on how to properly treat prisoners. It’s a very captivating point of view, not only for the way he lived his life, but the way life was living around him. Brutal and unforgiving.

I don’t feel bad for any of them as nazi war criminals, but I try to look at them as humanly as possible because I want to know how and why we easily we become products of our environment. The Germans were heavily victimized, and it goes to show what the victim mentality can do to a desperate mind. Again, helping me strive for the most positive interactions and intentions with everyone in my life. I laugh a little because I was nervously joking about the CIA coming to my home because of all the research I have been doing, simply just to learn, simply because it is readily available to us. My husband responded with a chuckle and said “they are probably watching you.” We both laugh together and I brush it off because I think everyone should be learning about the history of the world. So it is never fucking repeated, but no one cares about the past until it affects them.

Because now when I zoom out, I don’t feel so much like a stupid little fucking lamb. 🐑

It’s a beautiful fucking Sunday and I feel like I have really progressed this weekend. The sun is shining and the sky is a cloudless, piercing blue. I have so much to be thankful for rather than be thankless for. The things that I care for will never outwit or outweigh the things I do not care for, and that’s what keeps me disciplined and angelic.

-x

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kreide-was-taken · 2 years ago

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just feeling like shit today, rant/vent below

i do feel a little better now but like, i still need to lay this on the ground and tell people

idc if anyone reads this or not, i just want to say it out loud

i’m not as confident and positive as people think i am. i have extremely low self esteem, and have been self deprecating for as long as i can remember. yes, that means my entire life.

i’m almost 27 years old, its been a struggle every single day of my life. i do try, i do. but when people make it sound easy with words like “you should try doing this or that, it might work” its not going to be easy for me.

take drawing for example. do you know how many canvases and ideas i’ve scrapped because it just looks ‘wrong’? do you know that as someone who aims to be consistent, how difficult it is for me to do so? do you know, that the reason i’ve stopped drawing for more than a decade is because i had depression, and i just wanted everything to end because i was just so so tired? that i was tired of being played, being clowned, being lied to by people i thought i could trust?

alot of people i’ve met assume that i’m great at this. news flash; I’M NOT. i struggle so much daily that its not even amusing to me anymore. being told to 'suck it up’ and 'people have it worse’ its not helpful in anyway. i’m trying. get it through your head and stop assuming i’m naturally gifted in this bullshit.

i’ve recently tried to relearn drawing from scratch. its not much, it looks terrible, but for once in my life i actually am proud of the pieces i’ve put out nowadays, even if they look bad to other people.

and how does my headspace cope with this? having me see and compare the amount of attention other people have been getting vs how much i got. this is just. its just not great on me. i had to mute and hide art channels because its making me want to look and slap me in the face with it. i almost left discord servers because of this.

i know there’s gonna be people coming to me and saying “you know you can talk to me! my DMs are open”. again, its not easy being in my shoes. i have major trust issues. i’ve only told one person about how i really feel. i only have one real close friend who will listen and never judge me for how i am. i know you guys mean well, but its not easy. not at all.

its why i’m so attached to John Ward as a character. we’re both lonely characters in this world we’re fighting against. we both have issues, alot of it. i’ve not been diagnosed for years (and counting) and i don’t think i’ll ever figure it out. i just relate to him so easily that he brings me comfort. a mere fictional character, it almost makes me laugh at how ironic this is.

to the people who read this and reached the end; don’t take pity on me. we have our problems, yes. but this is just a battle that i’ll never win at any point in life. the only thing i can do is to keep trying, even if i’m losing. i’m not gonna stop doing what i love. just know that its been alot of difficult days to get to this point.

#long txt #vent post #i'm sorry but today is just. really bad.

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open--till--midnight · 3 years ago

Note

You mentiomed witcher oc and this idea came to my head so now im asking it for a request:)

Geralt x fem!witcher!Reader

Reader very new witcher and gets cold one night and decides to go to geralt's room and asks if they can share beds? maybe she was in the snow the whole day so she didnt get time to warm up, so the night cold makes her unable to sleep

If possible can this be nsfw? (Dom!geralt sub!reader?)

Body Heat

geralt x fem!witcher!reader

warnings | smut 18+, minors DNI

wc | 2k

a/n | i love this! i'm obsessed with the 'i'm cold and I need to be near you' trope

***

Most people didn’t believe in female witchers, you didn’t even think it was possible until you became one. The trials had been excruciating and truth was, nobody knew if you would even survive. Vesemir had worked out a new formula, one that your body could handle. For a time, you thought you were dying, but in the end, you had survived.

You were new to this, and if you were being honest with yourself, you had no clue what you were doing. For your first year on the path, Geralt would be right there beside you. It was a strange time for you. Everything had changed. Your body was brand new, and it was like you had to relearn everything. Your favorite change also happened to be the one that bothered you the most. Enhanced senses. You could now hear things so clearly, but that also meant that Geralt’s snoring was borderline unbearable. Your new sense of smell made all your favorite foods and flowers smell ten times as nice, but that also meant that foul smells were worse as well. There was a caveat to everything, but you figured you’d manage.

You and Geralt left Kaer Morhen early that spring. The snow had melted, yet the temperature had not yet risen. By this point, you had been walking all day to reach the next town by sunset. You had not been making good progress.

The light rain had softened the dirt beneath your feet, making walking almost impossible. Even your horses were having trouble.

“The sun is going to set soon. We should set up camp.”

“We’re not going to try and make it?”

“It’s not worth it. Let’s get some rest.” Geralt seemed to be in some sort of mood. You couldn’t really blame him. The bitter spring air and the light breeze were now freezing the rain, and it was painful against your cheeks and ungloved hands. Every year you said you’d buy a pair, and every year you had forgotten.

Geralt had trouble getting the fire to light and stay burning. And by the time you were eating what little food you had, the first snowflakes fell.

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” You dusted a chunk of snow off of your bread, sneering at it when it stuck to the ground instead of melting.

Geralt just sighed, pulling his hood further over his head. You copied his actions after you shoved the rest of your food into your mouth, then pulled your limbs in as tight as you could while laying down on the sleeping mat.

Sleep did not come easily that night. You were too busy brushing snow off of your face and mat. Though with your new hearing, you could tell that Geralt had fallen asleep. His heartbeat gave it away first, but then you caught a glimpse of his face through the unlit wet logs of the fire and he looked blissful. At least one of you was.

By the morning, the snow came halfway up to your knee. You groaned as you unburied yourself, standing up to help Geralt pack everything onto your horses. Not that you’d be able to ride them in these conditions. Hopefully, you would reach the village soon.

An hour in and you were soaked. The snow had picked up again, and it showed no signs of slowing. When you looked at Geralt, you couldn’t read his face, as usual. You wondered if he was as uncomfortable as you. Were witchers even supposed to get cold? You didn’t know, and to be honest, you were too embarrassed to ask.

Your feet were starting to go numb, and it was impairing your ability to walk. But you tried your best to not let Geralt see. Before you tucked your hands into your pockets, you could see how little your fingers could actually move. It was like your hand had frozen. You knew that was a foolish thought, and you pushed it out of your head, clenching your fists in your pockets instead.

When the sun reached its peak in the sky, you saw the village. The guards at the gate gave you no trouble when entering, which you knew was all too rare. After securing two rooms at the inn, you knew you would be looking for contracts. Geralt had told you that at least for now you would be going on contracts together. For learning and for safety. You didn’t exactly have the same amount of training that the witcher boys had.

After picking up a contract and consulting the local alderman, you retired to the inn. You shared a much needed warm meal with Geralt. Under the table, your feet burned. The heat of the nearby hearth was too hot for your frozen toes. It worried you, despite that, you said nothing. When the night ended and you reached your rooms, you exchanged goodnights and went your separate ways.

The room was poorly lit, with only a few candles littered about the room, not even a lantern in sight. You threw your bag at the foot of the bed and went to crouch in front of the fireplace.

Of course you had been trained with witchers signs, but you were still learning. You arranged your fingers into the sign and focused all your energy into it. But all you got was a spark. It took you three more tries to get a small flame. One which you barely managed to turn into a suitable fire. Once satisfied, you quickly changed into one of Geralt’s old shirts and tucked yourself under the covers.

The sounds of patrons singing and yelling were too loud in your ears and the pillow did little to drown them out. And your hands and feet still stung with cold. You felt like you could cry. But you didn’t. You pulled on a pair of trousers and made your way to Geralt’s room.

He was at the door the second after your first knock. His hair was sticking up in the back and his eyes were somewhat squinted. You felt bad about the intrusion, but your desperate need for warmth trumped your feelings of guilt.

“Geralt, I’m freezing. Is it ok if I sleep with you tonight?”

“Yeah, sure.” Well, he didn’t sound so sure. You wrote it off as due to his sleepy state.

When the bed dipped beside you, you sat up so your back was against the headboard. He did the same.

“You know, I don’t think that witchers are supposed to get that cold.”

“Yeah? Well, I guess the mutagens didn’t get the memo, Geralt.”

“I guess not. Come here.”

The witcher opened his arms for you, letting you squeeze yourself into his side, savoring his warmth. For a moment, you thought you smelled something strange in the air. You brushed it off, wrapping your legs around his in an attempt to get even closer to his warmth.

In an act of intimacy, unknown between you and Geralt, he kissed the top of your head, holding it close to his chest. When his grip loosened, you pulled back to look at him. And in his eyes, you found the warmth you so desperately needed. In a reckless act, you leaned forward.

Geralt quickly got the hint and closed the distance between the two of you. His lips were rough, but pleasantly so. They contrasted with yours just unlike the way your calloused hands brushed over his scar puckered skin.

Immediately after you pulled apart, you pinpointed the smell you had noticed. It was the smell of sex. Was your sense of smell that strong? Was it from a couple in another room? Was that what you were smelling?

You grinned at him, with an air of anxiety crossing your features. Geralt got the hint and lifted you over him and onto his lap. You immediately felt the bulge in his trousers poking into your heated core.

“Is that what I’m smelling?”

A knowing nod from the witcher, “I can smell you, too.”

“Gods that’s hot.”

Geralt once again captured your lips in a passionate kiss. And in your mind, you had no idea why this was happening. You hadn’t even given Geralt a second look before, but all of a sudden you were overcome with powerful feelings for him.

He had a powerful grip on your ass as he ground you down into him. He swallowed the meek whimper you let out at the action, continuing an arousing rhythm while licking into your mouth.

“Gods, I want you, Geralt.”

“Be patient, love. Just wait.”

Rough hands worked their way under your shirt, feeling every inch of you before giving your breasts a gentle squeeze. When he went to lift up your shirt, you immediately shut down. Your face heated, too.

“Something wrong?”

“No, it’s just- it’s been a while and I-”

“I understand. Let me know when I can.”

His hands continued roaming your body as his lips kissed your neck and your collarbones through your shirt. He was tender when he kissed over the peaks of your breasts, and at that you tapped his shoulder, giving him the go-ahead.

The expression of pure admiration never left his face when he lifted the shirt off of your body. His hands stilled on your hips as he kissed his way from your sternum to your lips. Your hands moved from his shoulders, frantically trying to get his shirt off of him. He obliged and then lay you down in front of him. He pulled your trousers off, leaving only a thin layer of fabric between him and you. Reaching out, you tugged on his waistband. When he stood, he relieved himself of both layers, revealing his impressive length. You quickly removed your final layer and lay out on the bed for him.

He laughed at your expression while positioning you on the bed below him. He left a sloppy trail of kisses down your stomach until he reached your cunt. His fingers were skillful when they breached you, and after a few seconds, he started to thrust them in and out of you. You reached down to get a firm grip in his hair; he took the hint and his tongue circled your clit a few times before sucking. When your hips bucked, Geralt threw an arm over your hips, holding you down while he made quick work of you.

You came embarrassingly fast. Using your hands to shield your face after letting out a final moan while coming down from your high.

“Uh uh, pretty girl. Let me see your face.”

You wondered if he could feel the heat radiating off your cheeks. No, no, you were overthinking again. The witcher kissed wherever he could, giving you the proper time to pull yourself back together.

He laughed when you pulled on his hair once more. “Impatient, aren’t we?”

“I just need you, please.”

You could feel the hard length of his cock pressing against your stomach, pre-cum creating a sticky trail. Geralt, once again, inserted his fingers into you.

“Your cock, Geralt, please.”

“Patience, love.”

He worked you for a while, thumbing your clit with an intense pressure. When he felt you’d had enough, he replaced his fingers swiftly with his cock. Almost immediately, Geralt created an excruciating pace. Hard and fast, hitting your sweet spot every single time. When your hand went down to play with your clit, he swatted your hand away, circling it himself while adding increasing and decreasing pressure. You were all fucked out and blissful.

The sweet sounds coming from the large man went straight to your core. In turn, you responded with sighs and moans while pressing your lips against his neck. When your noises came faster and louder, Geralt put more pressure into his circles around your clit. You swore you could see stars obstructing your view of the witcher’s face.

With one final thrust, your orgasm ripped through you. Your nails found a place on Geralt’s back, definitely leaving marks in their wake. His deep groan let you know that he didn’t mind it. His thrusts became sloppy, he began pounding frantically, chasing his high.

You were positive that if nobody in the inn had heard you yet, they had now. Geralt spilled into you with a loud groan and collapsed onto your chest, pressing sloppy kisses where he could.

“Geralt?”

“Yes?”

“I’m not cold anymore.”

The witcher laughed, pulling you into his chest, “That’s good to hear.”

#the witcher fanfic #the witcher fic #geralt fic #geralt x reader #geralt smut #geralt of rivia x reader #lilywrites📝

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howdoyousleep3 · 3 years ago

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where’s that hc about bucky learning to touch 🤲

I was hoping someone would notice that tag and hit me up. Thank you, sweet pea. This one is special to me, one of many. ❤

Bucky doesn’t say much about what happened to him after the fall and before Steve was miraculously given a second chance at a life with him. Steve is thankful for that. The details he does know come from Bucky’s therapist and from files that have been scrounged up over time, ones Steve can’t stomach through, ones he hands to Natasha and asks only for the information she finds pertinent.

Steve is sure he’d die of a goddamn broken heart if he knew every detail of Bucky’s 70+ years of brainwashed torture.

What he needs to know about Bucky is constant and will never change: this is James Barnes, the one in the same Steve spent his entire life falling in love with, Steve loves him now more than ever, and he is going to live every day he’s gifted with in this life for Bucky.

There are things Steve expects after Bucky joins him and the others back at the Tower, things Bruce has helped him comprehend in such a volatile predicament.

“It could take months, years even, for him to come back to you in full. And honestly, Steve...I would be ready for the possibility of him not returning to you in full. This may not end up being the Bucky you knew and grew up with. He needs therapy, needs patience, needs reminders of his life before, of who he was and is. This won’t be easy, Steve.”

Anything for Bucky.

There are things Bucky took to right away and other things that took much longer for him to enjoy or remember. Steve is with him every step of the way.

Sleep was one thing that Steve thought would be a struggle. After only one month of sleeping on the floor in the corner of his bedroom, Steve able to hear him tossing and turning and breathing heavily through his own bedroom wall, it took one afternoon nap on the couch to make him want to move to his new bed. While nightmares continued, Bucky slept albeit in small increments and sometimes through the day, but he slept.

Steve thought that would take years.

Crowds were another story. Crowds came with trust and Bucky rightfully didn’t trust others easily. He barely trusted Steve at first. It took time to get him out of the apartment, baby steps, one step forward and two steps back. They started with walks at dawn, fewer people, gave a shot at stopping for coffee on the way home a few times.

“It’s a Venti here, Buck,” Steve had tried to explain and Bucky huffed. “Why are things so goddamn complicated now? Just want a coffee, a—”

“I know— a black coffee with too much sugar. I got it.”

They’re working on interactions with others and the anxiety that comes with crowds. That one will take time.

What hadn’t taken time, and what startled everyone in the tower beyond belief, was Bucky and affection.

Steve may not know much of what Bucky has spent most of his life enduring but he at least had the assumption that what Bucky went through shouldn’t make him want any kind of touch from another person. Steve wrongfully assumed that any sort of gentle or soft touch wasn't something Bucky would like.

Bucky had spent the past 70+ years walking this earth as a killer, a robot, a machine, an assassin. He surely spent decades thinking he wasn’t worthy of anything, let alone love. He had been touch-starved, void of the tenderness and closeness Steve knows Bucky deserved and craved underneath the brainwashed parts of him.

It took time for Bucky to remember who Steve was to him. While he had recognized him immediately, remembering him but not how, it took months for Bucky to remembered the capacity in which he did so.

And Steve waited.

And waited.

Steve was gifted with small moments along the way, on this journey of Bucky remembering both himself and who Steve was to him:

“You...you were real small once,” Bucky said, factual with no trace of a question, hands in soapy water as he handed Steve a plate to dry. Steve had merely hummed. “Yeah, was...was maybe half the size I am now. Real small.”

“Could fit both’a my hands right around your middle…”

It had been a long while since Steve blushed like that.

Bucky standing over Steve’s sleeping form, heaving chest visible by only the filtered moonlight, Steve mumbling out a, “Buck, wha—?” before Bucky whispered, “You...you’ve been inside of me.” Steve sat up.

“I have,” Steve breathed, on cautious ground, shakier when Bucky then whispered, “But you like it better when I’m inside’a you.”

When Steve had swallowed audibly, nodded his head wordlessly, Bucky had turned and left the room.

It took months of moments like those to compile together, to form the picture of what Steve once was, what he yearned to continue to be, to Bucky. All of these moments, these memories, came to a head so unpredictably during yet another movie night. Knees knocking, fingers brushing, small touches that Steve absolutely soaked in, had gotten used to, had relearned.

When a glance towards Bucky had the wind knocking its way out of Steve’s chest, the familiarity of that look a bone-deep ache—

Bucky was going to kiss him.

A look full of determination and want, lips parted, eyes a bit glassy. Steve didn't dare move, had let Bucky come to him for fear of scaring him away. The moment their lips touched was the moment Bucky started crying. It had only been a short brush of their lips but Steve barely breathed, barely moved. Bucky had pulled back with wide, wet eyes, shaky breaths. “Buck, it’s okay. It’s okay. Everything’s alright, sweetheart,” are the words that easily slipped from his mouth, unable to stop them in a moment of progress that satiated his entire being.

That was the moment that changed everything. It was a startle to everyone involved. Steve had been ready to wait years, this entire life, for the moment he could touch Bucky again, could show him that physicality he knew his Buck craved. After that night on the couch it was as if the floodgates had opened—

Bucky remembered and wanted.

Regardless of where they were or what was happening, he wanted to be touching Steve: soft kisses on the cheek and lips, laying his head in Steve’s lap as he read, lacing his fingers between Steve’s during meetings, an arm wrapped around Steve’s waist between bouts of sparring. He’d trace patterns onto Steve’s thigh as he watched Steve draw, press against the line of his back while he cooked dinner.

Steve was floating on a cloud, was in heaven, never happier. It was perfection.

But what Bucky wanted, Steve couldn’t provide, couldn’t meet. Steve was only one man, couldn’t provide Bucky, whom touch had been stolen away from for decades, with everything he wanted. And that was okay, something Steve accepted, because there were other people Bucky could turn to that Steve trusted.

“I’m sure you all know why I asked you to meet with me,” Steve started, choosing a time Bucky was napping to meet with the rest of the group that either lived in or frequented the Tower. “Bucky has shown us a new side of him, has made some progress I think it’s worth discussing with everyone, since we’re all...we’ve all been affected...”

“Uhh, yeah— your Barnes-y boy has been all over me lately. I’m almost offended that everyone else is here to talk to Cap though. Thought he was just comin' onto me.”

“I have to tell you, I didn’t...I know we talked, Steve. But I’m honestly shocked at Bucky’s progress. It’s baffling.”

“I haven’t minded it. He lets me braid his hair.”

“Wait— y’all are getting touches?”

It was a group effort, supporting Bucky in this way. It was an adjustment, Bucky never prompting and questioning before touching or requesting touches— he just went for it. He was quiet still, not shy, merely observant. And just like he nudged at and leaned against Steve until his hands were on him, he did the same to others.

“I just ask that you show Bucky grace during this time. It’s a delicate situation. I need to know if you don’t want his touch or don’t wish to give him any kind of touch. I think it would be best if it came from me instead of from you in the moment.”

Natasha was who Bucky went to for scratches. Steve thinks it’s the nails. Steve also thinks Nat is Bucky’s favorite to go to for touches, even over him, but Bucky refuses to admit it.

When Bucky wants mindless touches, when he wants tickles and scratches, he goes to her. She naturally took to Bucky’s need for touches, the first occurrence one that came without hesitation. She’ll braid his hair, let him turn his head right where he wants her head scratches, naturally reaches for his back or shoulders to run her nails across when he saddles in close to her.

Thor is one of Bucky’s favorites too. Steve isn’t sure if it’s because of his strength or because of his warm and accepting demeanor but Bucky gravitates towards Thor often, mainly for neck and shoulder rubs. One, “James, my friend. You musn’t be afraid of asking for touch with me. I will always be willing to assist,” and that was all Bucky needed to feel comfortable walking over to Thor and nudging at his hands.

He puts his head on Bruce’s shoulder as soon as he can, likes sparring and playing hide and seek with Clint, enjoys putting his feet in Sam’s lap. Tony took some warming up to, but even then Bucky spent many hours in Tony’s lab, Tony guiding his hands, showing him what to do and how to work different machines, the two of them tinkering on his own arm.

Bucky kinda turns into the Tower kitty cat, wandering around quietly, napping in the sun, snacking, demanding affection from anyone he crosses paths with and trusts.

Everyone had their form of touch they shared with Bucky and Bucky absolutely blossomed under this form of support. Steve is forever grateful to be surrounded by a group of understanding individuals.

And every night when he lifts the comforter and feels the solid line of Bucky’s warm form against his side, the arm that now easily and inevitably slips around his waist, the familiar lips that always press against his temple, shoulder, and cheek, Steve is reminded this day was for Bucky and that the one they’ll wake up to will also be for him.

"I love you, Buck."

"Mhmm love you too, pal."

Steve doesn't even mind that Bucky spends his nights snoring in the crook of his neck, hot breath wafting over Steve's skin, hands grabby even as he dreams—

This is heaven.

#askK #fluffy lub #recovering bucky #found family #avengers 2012 #this is one of a million i have of these #i rarely share like...canon-ish thoughts because i assume people are going to tear them to pieces lol #but i've been sitting on this one for a while #my tense might be way outta wack here lol my bad #tower of god

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theotheroccassionalfanficwriter · 3 years ago

Note

Heyy can I request a 3rd part for Zhong x mage reader where they hopefully realize their feelings for each other? Feel free to end it off & add as much fluff & smut if you wish (*^ω^*)

Thanks for waiting anon, lol I just realize that this was almost the same as the previous ask so I decided to do a reader's POV continuing from where we left off last time.

So please enjoy the fourth part in the In Pursuit of Series: 1,2,3

In Pursuit of Love

Summary: You fell in love slowly, unknowingly, and when you had realized it, your love for him had already sunk into the marrow of your bones.

Falling back together was easier than the time the two of you spent weeks apart from each other. You found it easier to fall back to your morning routine with Zhongli around than it was to relearn how you lived before. And somehow the two of you had grown closer, more attuned to each other’s thoughts that sometimes there was no need to talk further. It was the intimacy of being known, and by the archons you were drunk on it.

You lived freely and happily, as if all the burdens you had were gone. With Zhongli by your side, it felt like the world had become brighter. Spending time with him, starting and ending the days with him became so natural that you didn’t notice what was already there from the start.

It stood to reason that you didn’t put much thought when Zhongli woke you up with his tongue down your throat or his hands groping your now exposed chest. It meant that when Zhongli took off your clothes in the morning, placing kisses on your neck and leaving visible marks on your skin, you merely thought he was just getting things started to transfer his energy for your continued survival.

It meant that you didn’t think much when you found yourself returning the favor, opening your legs for him, riding his cock early in the morning and not bothering to stifle your moans because Zhongli told you he liked hearing how much you wanted his cock, how slutty you acted when he thrusted his cock in your pussy until it was raw.

You had thought all of his words as dirty talk, not actually carrying any meaning beyond making the sex pleasurable for both of you. And today was no exception, you woke up with Zhongli’s mouth sucking on your nipples, leaving new bruises on top of last night’s marks.

Your pussy was filled with fresh cum and you could taste his cum on the back of your throat. You idly wondered how long had Zhongli been fucking you before you woke up, but such thoughts were thrown in the back burner when you felt his fingers tease your clit and toy with your cum-filled pussy.

“Nnnn!”

With a pop, Zhongli stops sucking your nipples and kisses you on your mouth, tongue entangling with yours.

“Good morning” He greeted you with a soft and gentle smile that was at odds with his lewd acts.

“Good morning” You greeted him shyly as you spread your legs wide, and silently asked for his cock. You wanted to be awake this time when he filled you up.

For someone who was fucking you for an indeterminate length of time, Zhongli had a lot of stamina. His cock easily penetrated you again, geo cuffs forming like an absent thought on your wrists as he went in and out of you. His cum acted as a lubricant to ease his cock as it filled you to the brim, stretching your walls and giving you a pleasant burn.

Your ample breasts jiggled from the force of being fucked over and over. Your pussy felt raw but even so you couldn’t help but want more, Zhongli’s dick had ruined you for everyone else. You were quite sure that no one would be able to bring you over the edge the way Zhongli did.

Your entire body felt warm from the lust and the odd feeling that came from Zhongli’s archon energy. Before you could even ask him about it, your thoughts were interrupted by the hard thrust of his cock that had your body arching and feeling the warmth of his thick cum.

Zhongli pulled out and let the rest of his cum shoot on your body, some landing on your face and open mouth.

“Good girl.”

You smiled at him sweetly.

For some reason, it became a common occurrence for you to head to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor with a homemade lunch for Zhongli, on days when you had no case to solve or you had reached a dead end. Today was a latter kind of day, there were no breakthroughs on the Chasm case which Qixing was gracious enough to not hasten you.

Especially since they were aware that you had landed a life threatening curse on yourself.

So now that you had gotten used to spending your lunch time with him, it made you realize that everyone in the Parlor was already familiar with you. You no longer limited yourself to chatting with Hu Tao or the Ferry Lady when Zhongli was busy with his job. Which was odd, now that you’ve thought about it. For all of the claims of your genius and the surprising amount of time you spent with children, you were never good at people.

Or to be more precise, good at keeping people. Your relationships with everyone you’ve met had always been so-so, you could rely on them for information you need, or calling in for a favor but if you could never truly trust yourself with them. You don't know when to call people friends or how to keep the ones you make, you suck at maintaining relationships and the only ones you’ve been able to maintain are from people who are surprisingly stubborn or sticky.

Ones who didn’t mind that you never wrote regularly or you came and went through their life like a breeze of wind. They were people who didn’t mind rebuilding friendship again and again, assuring you in their own silent way that you were wanted and welcome.

Which meant that the present relationship you had with the employees of Wangsheng was an odd change, a welcome one, but odd nonetheless. This was how Zhongli found you, contemplating in silence, in his office.

“Are you alright, dear?” He asked, worry marring his beautiful features.

“Hmmm...yeah, just thinking” You answered with an awkward smile and a heavy feeling in your heart that you can’t quite explain.

“You don’t have to, you know” Zhongli said, reassuring you.

“I really don’t know” You joked with him.

“Talk to the others if you aren’t up to it” He explained and to anyone else it would felt like a slight, a terrible jab at your inadequacy that you never quite got the hang of.

But it was Zhongli.

Zhongli who willingly shoulders the gossip about your relationship with him, who cares for you so deeply that he can give you himself for an indefinite period of time, Zhongli who simply wants to stay by your side and thinks the world of you, who believes that you are good.

And that’s enough to take off the sting from the reminder of your flawed humanity, makes your body relax and you find yourself leaning into his hand that somehow made its way to your face.

You nuzzle into it, a show of affection that makes you feel embarrassed but the weight of Zhongli’s affection, this intimacy from whole acceptance and being known, was an addictive warmth that you feared losing.

“Thank you.”

You hope that Zhongli can hear everything those two words encompass.

The changes stemming from your relationship with Zhongli, mainly this odd but welcome change of being connected to people, and staying in a place for a long while meant that inevitably you end up having a permanent address people can find you.

It was novel to you, the idea of a place being stuck to your name. You said as much to Zhongli, during one of those rare times he had no work and decided to be with you for an entire day.

“How do your friends write to you then?”

“They don’t or well they post a commission to the guild and I pay for the reward” You told him truthfully before recounting the first time one of your friends had done so and it had involved a high ranking adventurer, the guild master of the adventurer’s guild and ending with an entire map of Mare Jivari.

“What were you doing there?!” Zhongli had asked scandalized.

“I was curious and there was no known map of it, so I thought ‘huh? Guess this would give me a whole lot of mora if I did this!’ how was I supposed to know one of my friends would end up pregnant during that time and wanted me to be a godmother?” You replied, slightly offended and amused at the look on his face.

Which naturally resulted in Zhongli extracting a promise from you to never go to dangerous places without him, ever again. And he was so earnest and so seriously worried about it that your grin slid off your face and you gave him your word.

Which then resulted in you feeling slightly off kilter about it. The thing is you never thought that Zhongli would care for you this much, for all of the fucking and the tender moments between you two, you’ve always believed that there was a line somewhere.

A line that dictated the end of his care for you and the beginning of his indifference. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe he wanted to stay by your side, it was just that you’ve always thought he meant it figuratively like he wanted to be kept up-to-date with you when your curse is finally lifted.

Because the thought of Zhongli, coming along with your adventures, travelling with you leaves you just slightly, very slightly, perplexingly happy. It makes you grab his hand and intertwine it together, and Zhongli doesn’t mind, doesn’t care for this display of affection and instead encourages it.

He squeezes your hand twice, and gives you a smile that assures you that you are wanted. A part of you dares to hope that you’d find your home in this place, here with Zhongli and if not, you’re content with him being a place you can return to, a place of reprieve from the life of a traveler.

And this leads to your few friends addressing letters to Zhongli’s place, adventurers from around the world used as glorified messengers for your equally eccentric friends, sending packages or cases in your way. Sometimes, asking for advice or a consultation but more often than not, a mere teasing letter inquiring about your daily life and the new found changes they’ve seen.

“It’s nice,” You told Zhongli, in the middle of reading one of your letters, “having this regular contact with them.”

You don’t notice the way Zhongli pauses in his cooking, just to look at you and your soft fragile smile.

“You can tell them to send their letters here, and I can always go deliver them to you” He offered.

You laughed, thinking that he didn’t mean it but nonetheless happy with his kindness, “If you keep doing stuff like that, you might just make an honest woman out of me!”

And Zhongli says nothing beyond a smile, and you let the moment pass. Willing your heart to calm down and not letting yourself hope for too much, you continued to read your letters even though your mind often drifts off to Zhongli’s “offer”.

Later that night, as you laid in his arms, you began to wonder if the two of you had blurred the lines of friendship and something more.

Sex with Zhongli was always fun and just as exciting as the first time you did it with him. As you haven’t found a cure to your curse yet nor an alternative that didn’t involve an adepti, you felt indebted to Zhongli’s generosity on being your life support for an indefinite period of time.

It meant that sometimes when Zhongli did something that only lovers would, you were content to let it pass. Considering how much of his essence you needed, you were willing to let him enjoy you however he wanted.

It meant that on certain occasions where Zhongli’s libido was unbelievably high, you’d let yourself be led to a secluded to corner of a mountain, a road, or even Liyue’s backstreets to have your panties pushed to the side and be fucked by his thick cock.

You’ve learned how to muffle your moans as his cock relentlessly thrusted into your pussy, hands deftly freeing your breasts from its confines and playing with it. Squeezing and pulling and pushing it until it felt overly stimulated from the attention. Your body learned how to arch itself in the right way, ensuring that his cock repeatedly slammed its head into your g-spot.

The only change between then and now was that Zhongli had gained a preference on muffling your moans with his mouth, kissing you fervently as you milked his cock with your pussy. His kisses was intense, it made your knees weak and felt too intimate between two people fucking for necessity. Which often led to the two of you kissing for a long period of time, even when Zhongli rubs your pussy through the fabric of your panties or simply because he felt like it.

Zhongli was an excellent kisser, that much you could tell from the steadily growing frequency of him simply kissing you, without it leading to sex or having your pussy eaten out. And maybe you were biased with your opinion considering you’ve never kissed anyone other than Zhongli but you were quite sure that he gave the best kisses.

This thought only became more prevalent with each lingering kiss he gave you, the warmth that left your lips tingling. It made you want for something you don’t quite understand or dare to understand. Zhongli made your knees weak, he made you want things you’ve previously given up on, he made you want for a home you could return to.

Zhongli was changing you into someone you weren’t quite sure you truly welcomed and yet you couldn’t help but want and want. Selfishly wanting to tie him to you, to tie yourself to him.

“Zhongli?” Your voice trembled, soft and scared.

Even so in your eyes, he remained smiling, calm and patient as he gently took strands of your hair and kissed its tip.

“It’s fine, I can wait.”

You closed your eyes and bowed your head. The sound of his footsteps gently fading away as he walked away made you feel relieved and aching at the same time.

Despite sleeping separately for the first time since you were cursed, Zhongli’s affection for you didn’t change. Except that he no longer gave you kisses outside of foreplay or sex even still his affectionate looks and smile remained.

It left you disappointed and yet a clarity of mind and heart.

Ultimately, you understood that Zhongli was doing this to give you space, a breather to allow you to make your decision without any bias or undue influence. This allowed you to realize that you had been deceiving yourself for a while now.

Even so you still didn’t want to voice it. You couldn’t even dare to speak of it in the privacy of your mind. So you did what you always did when everything felt constricting. You ran away.

The benefits from being a mage was that you could use the teleportation devices scattered throughout Teyvat. Which meant that it was quite easy for you to slip in and out of 7 nations without anyone knowing. So it was really quite easy for you to get out of Liyue Harbor, use the device in Mt. Tianheng and go to Snezhnaya.

The surprise and alarmed look of Tartaglia was enough to quell your nerves.

You raise a bottle of your finest fire water and said, “Let’s drink!”

2 bottles later and you’ve unloaded everything between you and Zhongli to Tartaglia. You sat across from him, legs spread and stretched out while his fireplace blazes on the side and engulfing both of you in warm orange light.

“So you’re in love” He smirks, amused and equally drunk, comfortably leaning in the plush seat of his tufted back armchair.

“I am not” You denied, sinking further into your seat and ignoring Tartaglia’s loud and uninhibited laughter.

“I just like the no strings attached sex and affection” You clarified, “You’ve known about me for a long time, I don’t do well in long relationships.”

Tartaglia takes a swig of his own bottle of firewater, “You do, we’ve been friends for a long time” He smiles at you “you’re just afraid of commitment.”

You look at him, face blank but eyes showing your reluctant agreement and Tartaglia leans towards you, “You’re afraid aren’t you, of what Zhongli would do in the future, about you, me, the Abyss and everything it entails, and Celestia.”

“Maybe.”

“You were never one to let your fears rule you” His voice becomes soft, the unspoken affection bleeding through his words, “so what exactly are you afraid of losing once you acknowledge it?”

“I hate it when you aren’t sticking to your ‘only cares about a good fight’ persona” You groaned out, sitting up straight “you’re lucky I see you as family or I’d curse you right now.”

Tartaglia laughs and ruffles your hair, “Go to sleep and then return to him tomorrow.”

He gets up and makes his way to his bedroom, before he could leave the room you spoke, “Thank you.”

From behind you, Tartaglia smiled and said nothing as he continued on his way. There were some things that no longer needed to be said between two friends.

You sat on the edge of the cliff in Mt. Tianheng, watching the sunrise as Liyue Harbor slowly comes to life. You weren’t quite ready to face Zhongli yet.

You wanted to steel your nerves, calm your heart and properly arrange your words. Despite the carefree nature you showed, when it came to the matters of the heart, you always treaded carefully. Gone were the days you fell in love recklessly, accidentally and unknowingly hurting others and being hurt in return.

You wanted to face Zhongli, sincerely, to give him the utmost consideration for all that he had done for your sake. You wanted to make sure, to truly ascertain that what you felt was real and not a mere byproduct of the curse you had been saddled with. Zhongli deserved to be loved for who he was, as he is, and not what he gave up for you. To love him out of gratitude was to trample upon his sincerity, and you didn’t want that.

So you stalled, you waited, you didn’t rush. You simply and slowly worked out what you truly thought, what you felt. By the time the sun was high up in the sky, you stood up and patted your clothes. You slowly made your way down, entering Liyue Harbor, greeting the merchants and the townsfolk that knew you.

Each step that you took made you nervous, despite that you continued to make preparations, you pre-ordered a take out from Wanmin Restaurant, buying Zhongli’s favorite dish, Crystal Shrimp, and Universal Peace.

“I guess, Mr. Zhongli isn’t going to be Liyue’s most desired bachelor anymore?” Chef Mao joked.

You blinked and then laugh softly, “Was it that obvious?”

Chef Mao smiled, fatherly and nostalgic, and then he spoke to you with a wiseness that only came from suffering the vicissitudes of life, “There are things that can’t be concealed easily, one is indifference and the other love.”

Surprised, you stared at Chef Mao who only laughed boisterously, and with his fatherly tone added, “I’m not blind, and I was young once! I can tell if a man is interested or not.”

With a wink, Chef Mao waved you away and you shook your head in amusement as you walked away after paying in full. You slowly made your way to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, taking in the sight of Liyue Harbor in its busiest time of the day.

And as you neared the bridge in front of the parlor, you saw him. Walking slowly over the bridge, a rain of red maple leaves fell as he passed, you slowly halted and stared at him.

Thump thump

Your eyes met his and your heart that was moved by him, began to beat just a little bit faster. You smiled, gentle and soft, filled with unabashed adoration for him and slightly ran towards him. Zhongli smiled at you, eyes reflecting the deep emotions that he had for you.

Time slowed down and ran fast.

“I’m home” You told him as you hugged him and buried your face to his chest.

His arms gently and tightly wrapped around you, “Welcome back”.

There were still things that needed to be said, confessions to be made but for now the two of you didn’t need to do that yet. Not when both of you had finally reached the same place, hearts beating in sync.

“Hey,” You called out to Zhongli “Do you remember the temple that got me cursed?”

“Of course” Zhongli replied, face stern and serious as he remembered that disastrous day.

“Well, I finally found out the story behind it” You revealed as you comforted him, hand gently patting his.

Zhongli relaxed, tense frame slumping a bit in the privacy of his shared home with you. He pulled you into his lap, embracing you and softly asked, “tell me?”

You hummed and began your tale,

“There used to be an immortal, a scrap collector, who was Heaven’s beloved official, and” You paused dramatically “there was a ghost king, a great calamity that the heavenly officials feared. The scrap immortal had the world’s terrible luck, he would experience all sorts of misfortune and tragedy while the ghost king had the world’s best luck, he would never lose a gamble nor a bet.”

You looked at Zhongli, teasing and eyes twinkling, “And these two unlikely beings were each other’s dao partner.”

Zhongli choked, “My dear…”

You laughed and laughed, “surprised? I was too! Ah~ Zhongli that temple was the one the ghost king, Hua Cheng, the Xuè Yǔ Tàn Huā built for his beloved, his highness Xiè Lián. It was the only surviving relic of the place where the infamous Ghost City was located.”

Zhongli blinked, “Then we entered the Ghost Realm?”

You nodded, “Yeah, we ended up triggering an old protection array. I ended up being the receiver of the curse since I was careless when I was fighting, I damaged the statue of his highness and the ghost king punished me for it.”

Seeing Zhongli frowning, you hurriedly appeased him, “Don’t worry! Those two have been gone for a long time now! What was left in there was just a particularly powerful emotion powered curse! So don’t go fighting with them!”

Zhongli sighed, but the frown on his face didn’t go away, “Then your curse?”

“With or without your cum, The curse would have eventually faded away.”

You laughed at his blushing face and decided to reveal one more thing, “Zhongli~ Did you know that when gambling with the ghost king, the only way to get what you want was to pass a test?”

Forehead to forehead, you stared into his eyes, through his heart and to his soul, voice filled with wonder and love, “If you can move his highness, Xiè Lián’s heart with pity, the Ghost King would give you what you want even if you had lost the debt.”

“I-”

You cut Zhongli off with a gentle kiss, and then said, “That day, I heard your prayers, and begged them to let you go. To let me suffer the curse alone, to let me suffer the unbearable pain. Because I couldn’t bear to have you suffer the consequences of my actions.”

“I can suffer any humiliation but my heart can’t bear the thought of you being humiliated” You told him, this secret of yours, the one you kept close to your heart.

You didn’t know when you began to fall for him, maybe it was when you had brazenly teased him, “Osmanthus wine, I’ll give this to you so don’t be a stick in the mud!”

Or maybe it was when he had asked, visibly worried, “Are you not afraid of being struck down like the sinners of Khaenri’ah?”

Or maybe it was when he had lowered himself to the ground and cried, “I just want to save her alone.”

There were so many moments that could have started it all but you knew when he had completely taken grasp of your heart.

“Please, let me walk by your side, protecting you and your belief.”

His words that day, fell into your heart like a rock that fell into a pond, creating ripples as it sank down on the bottom and stayed. He had, without you noticing, walked step by step into your heart, and made himself at home in there.

You would forever answer the calls of adventure, the never ending stories the world was waiting to tell you, but you also knew that you would always, without fail, return to Zhongli. To your home and one day you would settle your old bones with him, weathered hands holding each other, and greet each day side by side.

#zhongli x reader #genshin impact zhongli x reader #genshin impact x reader

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gunterfan1992 · 3 years ago

Text

Episode Review: ‘Wizard City’ (Distant Lands, Ep. 4)

Airdate: September 2, 2021

Story by: Adam Muto, Jack Pendarvis, Kate Tsang, Hanna K. Nyström, & Charley Feldman

Storyboarded by: Maya Petersen, Hanna K. Nyström, Anna Syvertsson, & Aleks Sennwald, & Haewon Lee

Directed by: Miki Brewster & Jeff Liu (supervising), Sandra Lee (art)

An episode focusing on Peppermint Butler’s dark side is something that the fandom has craved ever since the little guy demanded Finn and Jake’s flesh in season two’s “Death in Bloom.” While installments like season five’s “The Suitor” and season six’s “Nemesis” did much to scratch that itch, the story of the Dark One remained mostly unknown…

And after “Wizard City,” it still remains largely unknown. But that’s OK, because instead of focusing on the character’s history, this special focuses on Peps’ quest to relearn magic at a magic school. Put most simply, this special is largely a fun excuse for the show to riff on Harry Potter and The Owl House-style “magic school hijinks,” and it mostly all works.

The special follows Peps quest to go to WizArts (a definite play on CalArts, the school that Pen Ward and Adam Muto, among many others, went to) so that he can relearn magic and once again become one of the greatest dark wizards of his time. Initially, Peps tries to make friends with cool kid Spader and his posse, but once they learn that Peps is not as talented at magic as they had initially thought, they kick him to the curb. It is at this point that Cadebra, Abracadaniel’s adorkable niece who is fascinated with stage magic, enters the picture. Cadebra tries everything in her power to befriend Peps, but Peps pushes back, since she’s not “cool.” It does not matter, though, because both Peps and Cadebra are sorted into the same “house”—the “Skink House—and are forced to work together.

While Peps and his cohort begin learning more and more complex magic, a secret cult of school professors, led by the otherwise caring Dr. Caledonius, are scheming to resurrect Coconteppi, a powerful dark wizard whose putrid heart has been discovered underneath the school excreting a very powerful ichor. The school cult kidnaps Spader and gives him some of the ichor to drink; they hope that because of his talent, he will be able to house the spirit of Coconteppi. This does not go as planned, and Spader is graphically killed (albeit off screen). (In a more humorous moment, Bufo, the scam wizard from season one’s “Wizard,” also ingests some of the ichor, believing himself powerful enough to handle it, but it kills him.)

Eventually Peps and Cadebra learn what is going on. Dr. Caledonius welcomes Peps, believing that he is strong enough to handle the ichor. When Cadebra’s life is put in danger, Peps reluctantly gives the putrid fluid a swig, which infuses him with the power of Coconteppi. Coconteppi-Peps then kills all the cult members before Cadebra manages to remove the ichor from Peps body. For uncovering a heinous plot, Peps is promoted to the highest house, “Salamander,” but he decides to remain a Skink and learn magic “the hard way” with Cadebra as his friend.

As I mentioned near the start of this review, “Wizard City” spends most of its time riffing on the “magic boarding school” trope, with much of the episode feeling like a light-hearted parody of Harry Potter: The characters, after all, are “sorted” into “houses,” they learn various types of magic from skilled “professors,” and they bunk in different parts of a large castle-like campus. Of course, Harry Potter didn’t invent the idea of a boarding school, but when setting your story in a school for magic, it is very hard not to lean at least somewhat into the Hogwarts relation. And this really is a double-edged sword, for while Harry Potter references can be fun here and there, they can also make the overall story feel like a fanfic parody. This special does a good job focusing more so on the characters rather than the setting, but I won’t lie, at times it did feel as if they show was really trying to make you realize it was making a Harry Potter joke.

Of all the characters introduced in the special, the breakout star is easily Cadebra, voiced by Chloe Coleman. Radiating a sort of Mabel Pines energy, Cadebra is the beam of optimism who shines brightly in an otherwise macabre special. There is something about her plucky personality and sense of wacky individualism that charms the viewer. I appreciate how the show compared and contrasted her with her uncle, the one and only Abracadaniel: like her uncle, Cadebra is a good person who wants to help others, but unlike Abracadaniel, she has a sense of courage and fortitude that results in her taking on a Coconteppi-possessed Peps at the episode’s climax. (Say what you will, Abracadaniel stans, but our favorite custodian would never have done that!) Thanks to her bravery and dedication to Peps, Cadebra is easily the heart of the special.

The episode throws an interesting little curveball into the mix by having the ‘ghost’ of Past Peppermint Butler constantly haunt Peps in the here-and-now. Past Peppermint, it seems, was so determined to become a great wizard, he cursed himself, so that if anything were to go awry, his Past self could materialize and set him straight. It’s confusing, but I do think that mixing the “overbearing parent” trope with a curse is a clever idea; it gives the whole special some dramatic heft. The whole setup is made even funnier by the special’s conclusion: After Future Peppermint Butler is ‘defeated�� and the day is saved, Peps reveals to Cadebra that he still wants to be a great and powerful dark wizard… but he wants to earn that power through hard work and determination. (Peppermint Butler might commune with demons, but he would never sell his soul to one for power; Glob helps those who help themselves, ya know?)

One of the special’s strongest points is its background art. Adventure Time always had some beautiful set pieces, and this special goes above and beyond to give WizArts an ancient sense of grandeur and mystery. Ghostshrimp, a freelance artist who was the show’s lead background designer during seasons 1-4, return for this special as a “visual developer”—basically, he mocked up a bunch of rough designs for the locales, and then the episode’s background artists worked up the final pieces in his style. On his podcast, Ghostshrimp mentioned how hectic he found Adventure Time to be, because he was used to taking his time on pieces. As such, the decision to bring him on for just development was smart, as it allowed him to still come up with iconic background designs while also playing fast and loose with everything. Hopefully the show will continue this approach with the Fionna and Cake miniseries that is coming up. After all, Ghosthsrimp’s style is the look of Adventure Time.

Another strong point for the episode is its voice acting. For one thing, you have your regulars like Tom Kenny and Dana Snyder, and Duncan Trussell, who all give a solid performance. But to voice many of the special’s new characters, the show brought on a bevy of fun actors: Saturday Night Live’s Bill Hader, for instance, is now voicing Bufo, and he does a solid job hamming up his role as the old fogey. And then there’s Toks Olagundoye, whose British accent gives Dr. Caledonius a sense of knowledge and expertise. To my delight and surprise, SungWon Cho, an internet personality and voice actor perhaps better known as ProZD, was tapped to voice Brain Wizard, and he does an excellent job. And finally, Anthony Stewart Head, a very talented actor who I know best as Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, voices Con Wizard, and is even given a fun little ditty to sing. I can safely say that the voice acting in this special is likely the best of the bunch, and it’s obvious that the actors were all having a great time playing their parts.

What drags the whole thing down, in my opinion is the excessive murder. (I joked on Twitter that during the climax of “Wizard City,” it felt like I was watching an Adventure Time-ified version of Invincible!) Infused with the power of Coconteppi, Peps goes on a brutal killing spree, boiling Potable Wizard into steam, zapping Dimension Wizard into another plane of existence, smashing Berdzerd, and—perhaps most graphically—excerebrates (had to look that word up!) Brain Wiz. On Twitter, @sometipsygnostalgic argued that while, yes, the scene is startling, it does wonders to transmute “a poor Summer Camp Island knockoff [into] Adventure Time chaos.” The more I think about it, the more I think that’s a fair point; after all, this is hardly the first dark thing that has happened in Adventure Time. But the part that I cannot really stomach is the fact that Spader was murdered for no real reason, and the special ends without anyone really expressing their horror at the situation. Sure, Spader was a schoolyard bully, but he was also a child. And killing a child—either for the drama or the lulz—feels decidedly out of place in an Adventure Time episode. It’s hard to express, but it just felt unnecessarily nihilistic and mean-spirited.

All things considered, I think this was a fun episode, but it was somewhat underwhelming for a ‘finale.’ Much of this is because it had to air after the perfection that was the back-to-back “Obsidian”/”Together Again” wombo combo. But I can’t help but feel like this special just felt a little... off. A little too meanspirited, and it leaned a bit too much on standard tropes. Still, it was a fun spin, and I know that I’ll rewatch it.

Mushroom War Evidence: As Peps rides the bus to school, he passes a bunch of abandoned houses, some of which are buried in the ground. There is an unexploded bomb above the fossilized elephant in the school. Cadebra has a dream that takes place in the ruins of a city.

Final Grade: B+

#adventure time #atimers #atdl #distant lands #adventure time distant lands #wizard city #peps #peppermint butler #abracadaniel #Cadebra #Ghostshrimp #Adam Muto #Hanna K #ProZD

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ghoulangerlee · 3 years ago

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kisses on the forehead or kisses from behind for Malex😊

so it takes me a while to write oops, but I didn't quite have inspiration but then 3x08 happened and well... y'know. I GUESS this could be considered a 3x08 coda because it takes place after The Kiss sorta. I haven't watched 3x09 yet so.

So, this is just. sweet and syrupy smut; there's both forehead kisses and kisses from behind ;;

Really though, sometimes you just wanna see Michael fucking Alex and like, write what you wanna see and all that hahaha.

Posted on tumblr bc I'm in denial that I'm writing for this fandom oop. (Side note: If you wanna support a writer I do have a ko-fi :). Please be gentle this is the first time I've written smut since like, before April this year.)

it's all under the read more because it immediately starts as smut, sorry adlkfjd.

------

Michael drops a tender kiss to the back of Alex’s neck as he settles on his knees between Alex’s spread legs, one hand curled around his thigh, shifting it outward until he’s spread just so.

Alex sighs out Michael’s name, turning his head to the side so he can watch the man from the corner of his eye—the early morning light is just now coming through the slats of the blinds, peeking through the curtains and it bathes Michael in a warm glow that almost makes everything feel like a dream.

It’s not though, a dream, finally after so much time apart, he—they can have this again, but slower now, less of a crash landing and more like coming home.

“This comfortable?” Michael’s voice is barely above a whisper, his words spoke into the soft skin behind Alex’s ear as he settles his weight down onto Alex.

A hum forces it’s way out of Alex’s throat, soft and pleased as he bends his other knee a little, using the leverage to push back against Michael, feeling where the other man is hard and ready, “S’good,” he finally manages, the words thick in his mouth, syrupy.

A soft hiss falls from Michael’s lips, the rush of cool air against Alex’s skin making him shudder, already so over sensitive from the soft, careful touches that Michael had woken him up with that morning. “I think we can make it better than just good,” he whispers, pressing another kiss behind Alex’s ear, “You up for it?”

Alex snorts softly, reaching back to halfheartedly swat at Michael’s side, the early morning must be getting to him, the new vulnerability of the two of them being together make Alex a little sentimental, a little honest, and before he can stop himself—“I’d been hoping for something like this for longer than I’d been willing to admit to myself.” He admits, voice quiet but clear, “I couldn’t dare to hope and now…”

Though he trails off, Michael seems to understand the implication as he shifts to the side, just enough to make the next kiss land somewhere near Alex’s lips, and when Alex turns his head just right, he catches Michael’s mouth in a kiss so sweet and slow that Michael’s weight presses him down more into the bed as a warm hand curls around his jaw, taking some of the strain off, holding him there for several long moments.

Distantly, Alex realizes that it’s Michael’s left hand, something that was once a reminder that what they had couldn’t be anything beyond a secret somewhere in the desert, but now—there’s no bandana wrapped around his hand anymore, there hasn’t been last night when Michael kissed him at the Pony, either, and something releases in his chest, something warm and happy—love.

“Michael,” Alex murmurs when they finally break apart, “Michael, I need—”

Michael’s lips press against Alex’s temple, “I’ve got you,” he whispers, dropping another kiss to his hairline before he pulls back, grabbing for the lube he’d tucked under his shin earlier, trying to warm it.

He smooths a hand down Alex’s back, shushing him softly when he makes a noise of discontent, “I’m not going nowhere,” he promises, voice low and full of intent, “Finally got you where I want you and I plan to take advantage of it.”

As he speaks, he’s squeezing lube onto his fingers, spreading it slowly as he closes the cap and drops it back down to bed, “Easy now,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to Alex’s shoulder blade as he presses a finger into him slowly.

“Michael,” Alex breathes out then, at the careful, gentle touch, slow and easy like they’ve got all the time in the—

Oh. He realizes as Michael’s finger slides in deeper, they do have time now, they can afford themselves this luxury of taking things slow, of exploring each other and relearning everything that drives the other crazy.

“Michael,” he says again, clenching his fingers in the sheets, pressing his forehead against his wrist as he squeezes his eyes shut at the sudden onslaught of emotion that seizes him.

It’s new and he thinks, briefly that he might be moving way too fast in the grand scheme of things but this is what love feels like. This is what loving Michael Guerin is supposed to be.

Michael presses a kiss to Alex’s shoulder, “You still with me?” he murmurs, curling his finger in a way that has Alex gasping and shifting under him. “Seems like you’re thinking too hard for what’s going on right now.” He whispers the words into Alex’s skin, and Alex can feel the curl of his lips as he says it, playful and teasing.

“Thinking about you,” Alex manages, the words muffled into the skin of his wrist, “Always thinking about you.”

Michael hums at that, and Alex hears the click of the lube cap again before another finger presses inside him, the suddenness causing him to gasp, “I’m right here, baby,” he says, voice filled with soft amusement, “Don’t have to think that hard about me.”

When Alex groans this time, it’s mostly out of exasperation, “Michael,” he says, “Don’t be a dick.”

Michael laughs then, leaning over to press a kiss to Alex’s temple, “Darlin’,” he coos, “I’m just teasing you, helping you relax a little,” he murmurs, “Tryin’ not to blow my load while I finger you, baby. Thinkin’ about how after all this time, it finally feels like I’ve come home.”

“Jesus,” Alex groans, “I’m not going to last if you keep talking like that,” he says, with the slightest hint of desperation in his voice.

Michael hums, pressing another kiss to Alex’s temple, “Think you can handle another?”

“Could probably take you now,” Alex murmurs, shifting under Michael again, a little in impatience, a little to get friction against his dick, “Didn’t want to come across as too easy or too much so soon, but—”

Michael shushes him again, “I’ve always liked how easy you get for me,” he whispers into Alex’s ear, “How much you wanted to be with me back then. Always eager to get your hands on me, always wanting mine on you…” he smiles when he feels Alex shiver, “It’s okay to want things, and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you get them.”

Alex makes a punched out sort of noise, “I want to feel you,” he admits quietly, shifting under Michael again, “Next time, we can go slower, you can draw it out for hours if you want, I just…”

“I’m going to hold you to that offer for next time,” Michael murmurs with a smile, “I’d love to get you all desperate and eager for me, keep you like this for however long I want,” he presses a kiss to Alex’s temple, then cheek, then jaw, “But this time, we’ve both wanted this for so long, I’d be a fool to draw it out for much longer.”

Alex makes some sort of noise in agreement and within the next few minutes, Michael is carefully sliding his fingers out of Alex, pressing a lingering kiss to the center of his back before the weight disappears—

Before he can think too much, before his lust addled mind can protest, Michael’s back, and suddenly, Alex’s need to see Michael kicks his hard in the ribs, “Michael, Michael,” he says, and his voice sounds strange to his own ears, “Michael, I want to see you, please.”

Michael’s weight disappears for a moment, and then his hands, warm and only the slightest bit sticky from lube are on his sides, helping him roll over until he’s spread out almost in the center of the bed, staring up at Michael with flushed cheeks and half lidded eyes.

“There you are,” Michael says with a warm smile, settling between Alex’s spread legs, his palms resting against Alex’s inner thighs now, pushing outward just enough for Alex to feel the stretch of it, “Like this?”

Alex nods, pushing himself up with one hand so he can curl his other arm around Michael’s shoulders, pulling him down until their chests are pressed together, tilting his head up so he can meet Michael’s lips in a kiss—he throws every single feeling he can’t put into words into that kiss, curling his fingers into the back of Michael’s hair, tugging him closer.

Michael goes easily, one hand gently cupping Alex’s jaw to kiss him back just as sweetly.

“I love you,” Alex whispers when they part, breathing heavily, lips parted and red, tempting and Michael kisses him again, harder this time, a little more desperate.

Michael pulls away moments later, resting their foreheads together, “I love you too,” he whispers into the space between their lips.

Alex smiles up at him, his cheeks flushed, eyes bright and happy and Michael makes a soft noise, “Jesus, Manes, you’re going to kill me.”

“Only in good ways, I hope,” Alex says, running his fingers through Michael’s hair, “Now,” he murmurs, nudging Michael’s side with his knee, “I believe we were in the middle of something?”

Michael huffs softly, fondly, shaking his head at Alex before leaning down for another quick kiss, “You’ve got me all distracted again,” he mumbles, leaning back as Alex drops back down onto the bed, laughing softly to himself and looking so happy that Michael almost wishes he could take a picture of this moment and keep it somewhere he can look at it whenever he feels the self-doubt sink in.

“Let me distract you in other ways, then,” Alex says with a grin, finding the lube, half wedged under his thigh now, “I think you know what to do from here, right?” he asks, tilting his head in question.

Michael shakes his head, laughs and takes the lube from Alex, shifting closer as he squeezes some lube into his palm, “You’re the one who kept distracting me,” he says, hissing softly as he takes himself in hand.

Alex bites his lower lip as he watches Michael touch himself, “Uh huh, just giving you a chance to get yourself under control so it’s not over in two minutes,” he teases, raising an eyebrow at Michael when he looks up, “Now come on,” he says, somewhat impatiently. “I need you, Michael.”

Michael huffs softly, uses the hand already around his dick to steady it as he pulls Alex’s hips further into his lap, pressing the head teasingly against where Alex wants him the most—he waits, listens to the hitch in Alex’s breath before he pushes inside, slow.

It’s incredible, like coming home all over again and something that now Michael’s sure he could never live without.

Alex’s hands grab for Michael’s biceps, head pushing back against the bed as he moans, half Michael’s name, half gibberish, curling one leg around Michael’s lower back, trying to pull him closer.

“I’ve got you,” Michael whispers, breathless, leaning close to press kisses along the curve of Alex’s jaw, “I’ve got you baby,” he repeats, feeling one of Alex’s hands come up to cup the back of his neck, holding him close, “Fuck, you feel amazing, so good for me, Alex.”

Alex makes a soft noise, shifting his hips further into Michael’s lap, “I missed this,” he admits with a sigh, sliding his palm up Michael’s arm, across his shoulder, “Missed us being together like this, feeling you like this.” He tilts his head, catching Michael’s lips in a sweet kiss. “You can move,” he murmurs into it. “I’m ready.”

The first several thrusts are slow, a little shaky, as if Michael can’t seem to believe he’s actually allowed to have this again, that this isn’t a dream, that Alex is here and real under him, whispering soft words of pleasure against his mouth.

Michael rests his forehead against Alex’s shoulder and Alex’s arms come around him, holding onto him as each near breathless affirmation grows in volume, Alex’s hands petting along his upper back, nails scratching against skin so gentle that Michael almost wants to cry—

“Faster,” Alex murmurs into Michael’s ear, palms spreading out against Michael’s skin as he digs his heel into Michael’s lower back, “Wanna feel it, Michael,” he whispers, “Wanna feel you all day, wanna remember this when I’m alone,” he drags his nails lightly up the center of Michael’s back, feeling him shudder under his touch, feels his hips quicken, feels the way Michael grabs him with both hands, hitching him higher into his lap, “That’s it—”

Michael makes a noise, something low and guttural as he pulls back from Alex’s shoulder, his lips finding Alex’s in a desperate kiss; deepening it almost immediately in a way that has Alex groaning into it, digging his nails harshly into Michael’s back.

“Gonna make you come first,” Michael mumbles as he pulls away, “Touch yourself for me, show me how good I’m making you feel, baby.” He brushes his nose gently against Alex’s before he’s glancing between them, watching Alex wrap a hand around himself, trying desperately to keep up with the quick pace Michael’s set.

It doesn’t take long after that, never takes long when they really get into it, Alex realizes somewhere distantly, they’d always been compatible sexually, everything about it explosive and mind blowing no matter the situation—but now, with Michael pressing kiss after kiss to every inch of exposed skin he can reach, with Michael whispering soft words against his shoulder, his chest, fucking into him just right, Alex can’t help himself—he gasps Michael’s name, long and low as he arches, feels Michael’s hand cover his as he comes, and together they stroke him through it until he’s sensitive and gasping, nudging their hands away with a shudder of almost too much.

Alex pulls him into another kiss, mostly gasping against Michael’s mouth, quietly urging Michael to keep moving, to keep going; half words of love and praise fall from his lips as Michael breaks away from the kiss, resting his forehead against Alex’s shoulder again, holding his hips tight enough to leave behind bruises and—fuck what a thought that is, and if Alex could get hard again, he probably would, at the thought of Michael marking him in a way that no one could see but the both of them would know.

“Come, Michael,” Alex whispers, tangling his fingers in Michael’s hair, giving it a light tug, turning his head to press a wet kiss to his temple, “Come for me, baby, let me feel you,” he murmurs, wrapping his free arm around Michael’s shoulders, holding onto him tight even as the shocks of overstimulation become just on the side of too much—he gasps when Michael’s teeth close over his skin, right on the curve of his shoulder and with one more good tug of his hair, Michael’s swearing softly into his skin, hips moving in quick, short thrusts as if he can’t help it.

Alex feels the warmth, the way Michael’s thrusts taper off until he’s pressed as close to Alex as he can, buried deep inside him, gasping wetly against his shoulder as he comes down from his high, Alex’s hands gentle now, one petting over his sweaty back, the other gently scratching Michael’s scalp.

“Fuck,” Michael eventually mutters, pulling back so he can look down at Alex, “We’ve still got it, huh?” he asks, face adorably flushed, looking completely fucked out as Alex feels and Alex laughs, gently pulling Michael down into another kiss.

Michael goes to pull back, to separate them, to clean up, but Alex just makes an impatient noise against his mouth, tugging him deeper into the kiss, into his embrace, until Michael’s weight is resting fully on Alex, pressing him down into the bed.

When they finally do separate, Alex laughs a little, brushing Michael’s hair back from his face, “I know we should clean up, maybe get breakfast, but I kind of want you right here for a little bit longer.” He admits softly, framing Michael’s face with his hands. “We have a lot to do still and I’m not ready for this to end just yet.”

“The afterglow?” Michael asks, leaning into Alex’s touch, eyes fluttering closed, smiling when Alex hums in reply. “I think we can stay like this a little bit longer, don’t think the world’s gonna end just yet.

Alex glances over at the window, where the curtain’s parted just enough to let in the early morning light—and Michael huffs a little, waves his hand as the curtains close on their own, the room suddenly a little darker than before.

“Michael,” Alex says, snatching his phone out of the air from where it’s floating just beside them, “What—”

“Set an alarm, give us an hour, and then, we’ll get ready and go save the world,” Michael says, “I think we can afford that, don’t you?”

Alex looks between his phone, at the time across the screen—it’s not even nine yet, and then he looks down at Michael who’s staring up at him with such a look of love that Alex’s heart seizes in his chest, “Okay,” he finally says, “Okay, yeah,” he blindly fumbles his way through setting an alarm, tossing his phone down onto the bed when he’s done, “An hour. Breakfast then? We can go to the Crashdown, together,” he says, extra emphasis on the word together.

Michael’s smile is bright, and he leans down, presses a kiss to Alex’s mouth, “I knew I could convince you,” he says, shifting enough to rest his head on Alex’s chest, “An hour for us and then we’ll face the world together.”

#malex #rnm #my writing #i find that posting this on tumblr vs ao3 just makes me feel better #bc i dont feel like i should write for this fandom??? IDK #i might crosspost to ao3 eventually bc i do like this fic

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marauderundercover · 3 years ago

Text

This Side of Normal Ch. 6

AO3

Jason walks into the hospital room, heart breaking at the sight. Adrien, a huge bandage covering what was left of his arm and part of his shoulder. And next to him… This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to be there to make sure the kids didn’t get hurt. Instead, Ladybug- no, Marinette, he reminded himself. She had told him her name through sobs as he held her on the roof after they gave their statements to the police. Marinette blamed herself. He could see it in everything she did, the way she responded to people, her body language around Adrien and Jason. He knew she blamed herself. But she shouldn’t. She wasn’t the one who had been trained to fight villains like that. Villains willing to kill kids to get ahead. But Jason was trained. He was supposed to be prepared and know what to do. But now, Adrien would have to relearn how to do everything with just one arm. Sure, he could get a prosthetic, but that wouldn’t be for several weeks. And even if he chooses to get a prosthetic, he’d have to relearn everything. Again. And it was all because Jason couldn’t save him. He couldn’t save anyone. Jason turns to leave, not ready to talk to the boy who lost an arm because Jason wasn’t fast enough.

“Jay?” A soft voice from the bed calls, making Jason freeze. Whirling around, he rushes over to the bed, immediately looking the boy over to see if he’s okay.

“Hey kiddo, how ya feeling? Are you- I’m so sorry.” Jason rambles, falling onto the spare chair next to Adrien’s bed. A chair that should’ve held a parent. If Gabriel wasn’t a piece of shit supervillain who cut off his own son’s arm and kept his wife’s corpse in a hidden basement. Yeah, that investigation must’ve sucked.

“It’s weird.” He says, and Jason frowns at the tears filling the boy’s eyes. “My arm hurts, Jay. Really bad. But every time I try to hold it, or move it to a position that doesn’t hurt- it’s not there.”

“Oh kid.” Jason clamps his mouth shut, determined to not let the kid hear his voice cracks, determined not to let the kid see him cry. What did he have to cry about? He’s the one that wasn’t good enough to protect these kids. Jason leans forward and gently wraps his arms around Adrien, letting the boy sob into his shoulder. Holding onto a sobbing Adrien, Jason’s able to see Marinette wake up and instantly leap into a fighting position. When she notices him, she relaxes slightly, until she sees the crying boy. Then her face morphs into pain and she backs up away from the bed, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Mari?” Adrien says, pulling away from Jason and sniffling.

“I’m so sorry Adrien. It’s, it’s all my fault.” She says, still keeping her distance. Jason sighs and stands, moving across the room in two large strides and wrapping her into a hug. She stiffens for a moment before basically collapsing in his arms. Jason just holds her and lets her cry, just as he let her on the roof two nights ago. After years of not being able to feel anything other than happy, Jason would support these kids and encourage them to feel. Even if it hurt. They deserved to feel.

---

Sitting and talking to Adrien about anything and everything after school had become a daily occurrence for Marinette. Jason walking her from school to the hospital had also become a daily occurrence. So walking by herself was weird. Doable, because she was Ladybug and could walk across Paris alone, but still weird. Especially since Jason was so insistent on her being more careful now that Hawkmoth- Gabriel- was behind bars. Jay was convinced that that meant that the regular, run of the mill bad guys would come back out of the woodwork now that they didn’t have to deal with possible akumas. Regardless, that hadn’t happened yet and she could easily walk by herself. It was still weird though. Walking into the hospital, Marinette frowns at Jason who was pacing and rapidly arguing with someone on the phone in English. Quickly reminding herself that, no he wouldn’t be akumatized, and yes, he was allowed to have negative feelings, she moves so that she’s in his line of sight. Making eye contact with him, she raises an eyebrow as a silent question. He frowns, but doesn’t do anything else except nod towards Adrien’s room. Rolling her eyes in annoyance at his avoidance, Marinette lets herself into Adrien’s room, smiling softly at her friend. The first two days after the battle, she could barely look at him. She blamed herself completely and didn’t feel like she was worthy of being his friend anymore. Now, almost a week after the battle, she still blamed herself. But it was easier to look at him, easier to talk to him.

“Hey kitty.” She says, walking over and sitting in the chair on the left side of his bed.

“Hey bug. Jay still on the phone?” He asks, and that’s when she notices the tell-tale signs of worry on his face.

“Yeah...how long has he been on the phone?” She asks, frowning at his wince.

“Well, he tried to ignore the person the first three times they called. And then he finally answered, said ‘leave me alone’ and hung up. And then they called again, and that’s when the yelling and arguing started and he left the room. That was…” He trails off, looking towards the clock on the wall. “Almost two hours ago.” “Two hours? On the phone? You don’t think he’s in trouble, do you? I mean, I know he has a life back where he lives, and I’m sure his boss is probably getting frustrated with him. But-” Marinette stops herself, not wanting to say something selfish. She knew that Jason had a life outside of Paris. But he was the only grown up to care that Ladybug and Chat Noir were just kids, that they needed help. He was the one to make sure they weren’t spending too much time being heroes and not enough time sleeping and doing homework. He was their big brother, and she wasn’t ready to say bye yet. Even if they could still call him. It wasn’t the same.

---

Jason Todd was livid, and for the millionth time that week, thankful that Gabriel Agreste was rotting in a prison cell instead of manipulating people who were having a bad day. Cause this was not a good day.

“B, I’m not sure what you want from me.” He finally huffs out, glancing towards Adrien’s shut door.

“I just want to know why you haven’t returned. Dick informed me of the flooding your first day, and how things seemed to magically fix themselves. You told us that everything was taken care of, and then you stopped answering any questions about the situation. Seeing as there is apparently no immediate danger to anyone there, I think it’s time you returned home. You have responsibilities here, Jason. Your family is here.” Bruce says simply, and Jason has to bite his tongue from arguing. How was he supposed to tell Bruce about these kids who needed support that they weren’t getting anywhere else. That there were two young superheroes in Paris who needed someone to understand what they were going through, since they couldn’t (or wouldn’t) tell anyone else? Bruce would have adoption papers written up in minutes, and taking the two from their city didn’t seem right. Plus he would never let Bruce adopt them, the kids had enough emotional baggage to deal with without being a Wayne.

“I just haven’t, Bruce. I’m a grown man. I-” “You have responsibilities, Jason. I let you take this vacation because I could see you needed it. But now we need you. I- your brothers miss you.” Bruce says, and Jason rolls his eyes at the man’s inability to be emotional. He would’ve done great in Hawkmoth’s Paris.

“Okay, I’ll start looking for a ticket. I should be home in two or three weeks-”

“I’ve already ordered a ticket for you. Your flight leaves Paris at noon tomorrow. See you then.” Bruce says, hanging up before Jason has the chance to argue more. Not that he had the energy after going back and forth between arguing with Dick and Bruce for two goddamned hours. Resisting the urge to throw his phone against the wall, Jason takes a couple deep breaths to ground himself. No need to upset Mari and Adrien and if he goes in there pissed off, they’re gonna get upset. Shaking his head to try and clear it, Jason throws open Adrien’s door, grinning at the two, sitting side by side on Adrien’s bed.

“Pixie Pop, you’re gonna piss off the nurse if she sees you up there again.” He says, walking over to his usual chair.

“You’re upset.” She says, instead of arguing and reminding him that she can take anything the nurses can dish out (they’d had the exact conversation yesterday….and the day before.) Jason blinks, acting confused.

“Don’t even try and act like you’re not Jay. Mari’s scary good at reading people.” Adrien says with a frown. Jason huffs and rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, okay, I’m pissed.” He admits, slumping back in his chair and crossing his arms. Marinette turns to Adrien and whispers something to him, Adrien nodding before she turns back to look at him.

“You’re gonna need our phone numbers.” She says, and Jason frowns in actual confusion this time.

“Gonna need a little more than that, Pix.” He says.

“Well, we knew that you’re not from here. And that eventually you’d have to go back. I mean, I’m sure your boss wasn’t planning on you taking a vacation quite this long. But-” Marinette pauses and lets out a shaky breath. “But neither of us want to lose you. You care about both sides of us, and you’re the only one. You’re our big brother, Jay, but we both know that you have another life somewhere else. And I’m sure those people miss you too. I mean, you’re kinda cool or whatever.” Marinette teases, but he can tell behind the smirk that she’s close to tears. Jason sighs and stands, bringing both of them into a big hug.

“I don’t wanna leave, ya know.” He mumbles, frowning when he feels his shirt getting wet from tears.

“I know. But you have to. And that’s okay. It’s not goodbye forever.” Marinette says, her voice breaking as she holds onto him tighter.

“Expect a lot of calls and face times. Especially once I get my arm. I have so many jokes to make, you’re gonna be sick of it.” Adrien says, and despite the joke, Jason can tell the boy is crying too. Jason squeezes a little tighter, accepting the fact that he’d be leaving. And that he wasn’t sure when he’d see the two again.

Tag list (open): @toodaloo-kangaroo @laurcad123 @kittenmywaythrulife @lost-in-the-world-of-maribat

#maribat #maribat jason todd #maribat marinette dupain cheng #maribat adrien agreste #platonic maribat adrienette #maribat platonic adrienette #fanfic #ao3fic #platonic jasonette #This Side of Normal #maribat big brother Jason Todd #maribat bruce wayne #maribat fic

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