#carriedreamer speaks

[carriedreamerx]

Finding out the DIC version of Sailor Moon is now unable to be legally watched *anywhere* and very well could become lost media is devastating to me.

Do you have ANY idea how much of my writing career was influenced by this cheesy 90s Soundtrack alone?!

Seriously... this song still tugs at the heart strings.

[carriedreamerx]

I say it once, I say it again, it's this kind of behavior that poisons the well.

Fandom especially fanfiction is not something to be turned into "content creation". Period.

The conversation around Fanfiction and it's place in Fandom culture is once again I believe in need of a Reminder and for some a genuine first lesson, especially with the potential loss of TikTok- yes i am angry about this too - but no fic author and I mean no fanfiction author should be receiving the amount of abuse, verbal, mental and emotional I have witnessed happening over the last three years as well as experienced to myself, my friends, my acquainainces, strangers, "big" names, "small"names, Fandom "vets" , Fandom "newbies", new Fandoms, old Fandoms, it doesn't matter. It's obscene no matter what.

Authors, artists, cosplayers, creative Fandom creators are people. Not content churning robots. People. Not AI.

Human.

Now please treat us like it.

Thank you.

I wanna know where people have lately gotten the audacity to leave comments on fanfics talking about how much the fanfic sucked and negatively critiquing an author's fic like it's a published book review.

It pisses me off cause I've seen authors abandoned or delete their fics because of this.

You're getting fanfics for FREE! No one asked for your opinion.

I hope y'all know as authors we get email notifications when you comment so we see EVERY comment that's been left.

We also can see the negative reviews you leave when you bookmark our fics

[carriedreamerx]

I'm late to the party I know but Pokemon Scarlet AU heavily inspired by my new Persona 4 obsession - Um yes.

Yes that is a thing and it is being worked on as we speak. It is also incorporating that one Darkrai event with Cressalia.

"Operation Dreamfall"- its coming eventually.

My first Kieran/Florian too. Yayyyy.

[carriedreamerx]

One of my main heroes is a software engineer: I barely understand a03 code

Another of my mains is a biochemist- I barely passed chemistry in high school.

#Writers problems

ppl talk about the difficulty of writing characters smarter than yourself, but the real challenge is writing a character who is funnier than you are

[carriedreamerx]

Designing characters is hard.

That's it. That's the post.

[carriedreamerx]

So just saw on Rednote Trump made a statement about TikTok.

Calls for 50% US ownership and now suddenly Meta is trying to connect TikTok to Meta.... yeah

Something smells rotten here.

I genuinely think this was all because Meta knew Reels is a goddamn mess that is so AI riddled it's not sustainable and they ( he) had a goddamn temper tantrum.

Monopolies aren't supposed to be legal in the US by the way…

But whatever, rules don't apply to him because he's either trying to or has successfully bought it. Evidence is growing for the latter.

And everyone who witnessed the fall of Instagram once Meta got their claws in it knows what that Means.

R.i.p. Tiktok you had a good run unfortunately you pissed off an oversized toddler who was pissed you wouldn't share the Legos so he kicked it down instead.

But seriously like I said on BlueSky - where am I supposed to advertise my book and get through following I need to be published traditionally because publishing houses will no longer do the marketing. You have to do it.

…. I would really prefer not to have to navigate the hellscape that is Reels or Threads. Like, please no. Thank you.

Ugh, I'm finishing my coffee and going to continue packing now. Countdown has begun I'm almost out of this shit hole Abd thus my disgusting donkey shit of a neighbor too. Yayyyyy.

CLEAN LAUNDRY HERE I COME

…. That's a whole other story for Another time.

[carriedreamerx]

It is a complicated matter when one loses a parent who aided, abetted and participated in your abuse.

A parent who for the longest time was both your ally....and a menace to your life.

Up. Down.

One direction he was your greatest champion, the other he was your biggest derider.

Up. Down.

One moment you could communicate with nary a word spoken the other you didn't even recognize the man he had become.

Up.

He used to be one person who could get you to smile.

Down.

He was the person who could make you cry hardest of all.

I come from an abusive family. My older sister is a sociopath however undiagnosed as they as a family don't believe in "mental health". I was my sister's biggest victim, save the animals she would kill when they no longer amused her.

I ceased amusing her when I developed the ability to talk.

That's just how it goes I guess.

My mother is a narcissist. Think Mother Gothel only a bit less obvious. The world had to revolve around her and only her and God help anyone who said otherwise.

As you can guess my mother and sister were at each other's throats until the bitter end. Two lionesses who could not be in the same home.

Then there was my father.

My complicated paradigm of a father. One moment he could be stern and terrifying, dragging my out of control sister home, making his youngest regret having not studied hard enough, etc.

Then he was kind. He could be a man who told the best jokes, and had the best hugs, he used to guard his "flock of hens" as he'd call us like a Secret Service agent, as they perused the store and such.

He was borh an intelligent man...and also a stupid one.

I am also both intelligent and stupid. I believe it is a human trait. We're a complicated mosaic of DNA and emotions. Sometimes they fit together perfectly sometimes they just get crammed enough to fit and be done with it.

My father was a stolid man. My father was an emotional man.

He was strong. He was broken.

My memories are skewed with the knowledge I have now of how to be blunt, "fucked up" my childhood was under his indulgent but in the end... weak watch.

It is not...a bad thing to be weak. It is again human. I am weak. I am strong.

We... humanity really are just living contradictions.

Once you acknowledge that fact that you are not perfect it's how you grow.

My father was not equipped to deal with the card God threw him, I doubt...any man was, who could have handled the triple whammy of his disturbed eldest daughter, his narcissist for a wife and me- the broken but hostile cat who survived the abuse but becomes feral and wild as a result.

I'm not a saint. I am human. I readily admit I was a nightmare as a teenager. That angry cat on the corner with a missing eye or ear who hisses everytime you pass by but at the same time was desperate for love and attention.

That was me. Desperately people pleasing to the point I had no sense of who I was and unfortunately ... by that time Dad was too worn down to do anything else but encourage me on that path.

Go to school. Get a job.

.... take care of your mother.

Then when my sister was as crudely described by relations as "tossed back" to my father when her husband made his own escape.

He changed again.

And this time it was irreversible.

I'd witnessed the shifts in mood, the isolation my mother put him in, my father didn't have any friends my mother didn't either approve or ....let him enjoy without her.

Neither of my parents did. Even my older sister.

I was...the odd one out for many years. Still am.

As the abuse worsened when I was 19 and well to be blunt I had aged out of the shadow of CPS....he again...changed.

I fought back for a year. I was an angry cat still who was trying to protect her parents or so i thought but ultimately my sister and...mother were a cunning duo of shrews.

I was tamed and leashed pretty quick.

He was my one ally. My one...friend for a long time in that puppet show of horrors.

When she forbade me to speak he talked to me, albeit... secretly. He'd scoop me up and take me for car rides, where I'd cry and beg him for help,

Six more months baby B... you can handle it. But you can't leave me. You can't. You keep me sane in this house of clucking hens.

Just don't... leave me.

My mother and sister will deny it until they're blue in the face that he was against it. He would argue and pile my plate high with food from his own, he would give her a glare that would silence even the hardest monster.

... sometimes.

Most times during my imprisonment he would just lie on a couch watching the Syfy channel or HGTV. Smoking one cigarette after another. In silence.

Until she grew bored of it. And suddenly my father who hated sitcoms and mindless dreck as he called it was watching trash like "The Middle" as my sister cackled he was again... silent.

He suffered in silence as I suffered in blood.

Such was the house of glass horrors.

He tried. I will never deny... he tried. Not as much as he should have, he should have thrown her out of the house the first time it fell to blows, the first bruise he spotted...

The first time he realized I had not spoken a word, a single word for an entire week.

But he didn't.

My father was a coward. He was in an impossible situation but... he was too scared to defend himself and...me.

Instead as he said... I was the only one with strength left, despite having five HP left at most, he passed down the sword to me to protect my mother and then sat down and just lit another cigarette.

One can guess the rest. One knows the rest.

And now six years later...

Finally it has come to rest.

My sister has full control of the narrative and of my mother. The scenario my father feared most of all has come to pass.

And I'm sorry Dad but... I warned you.

Damn it Daddy... I fucking WARNED you.

You just refused to listen and I just couldn't nor would I be your shield anymore.

Cause God forbid you ever be mine.

Secret Service stance or not.

You were a coward Dad.

And I love you

I will always love you, in a way, laced with resentment and tears, frustration and pain.

But that's humanity once again as a nutshell.

We're all just complicated mess.

Rest in peace dadaroo.

... i love you.

[carriedreamerx]

"Let me tell you somethin' kid, there's worse things on those mountains than a pissed off Pokemon... never stray from the trail. Ever."

Arven Sada and Juliana Scarlet are that odd duo who claim to be just friends but they end up locking lips a little too much for this to be really believable anymore.

But when a shiny hunt up in the peaks of Glasdeo leads the two to come across a mysterious mansion hidden in the snow with an injured Froslass in tow, it's soon apparent there is something far more sinister than a mere blizzard at play here... and his little buddy's life may very well depend on Arven finding his courage amongst the ghosts that surround him.

---

Inspired by "Until Dawn" the video game and "Bluebeard" by Charles Perrault

-- October 2024 piece -

Carrie-tober is BACK baby - my first Pokemon Horror fic, and I am very excited.

[carriedreamerx]

And what have we learned children...

Its never just a oneshot and never let Carrie watch a new Horror Game Playthrough Lets play when she is on a mini-cation.

So anyway my new Arven x Juliana fluff oneshot has now evolved to be inspired by "Until Dawn" and is now a horror multi parter!

... happy Halloween xD

PS: "Constraint" Chapter 3 is also all ready. I was feeling nostalgic being back east lol

[carriedreamerx]

Carriedreamer's current fic to do list / future published short stories on archive for 2024 early 2025

Pokemon Scarlet Violet:

Multi-Chap

1. "Supernova":

Chapter 5: Be prepared

Chapter 6: How Far I'll go

Rating: T

Read here:

2. "Frozen Revenant"

"Let me tell you somethin' kid, there's worse things on those mountains than a pissed off Pokemon... never stray from the trail. Ever."

Arven Sada and Juliana Scarlet are that odd duo who claim to be just friends but they end up locking lips a little too much for this to be really believable anymore.

But when a shiny hunt up in the peaks of Glasdeo leads the two to come across a mysterious mansion hidden in the snow with an injured Froslass in tow, it's soon apparent there is something far more sinister than a mere blizzard at play here... and his little buddy's life may very well depend on Arven finding his courage amongst the ghosts that surround him.

---

Inspired by "Until Dawn" the video game and "Bluebeard" by Charles Perrault

Rating: M

Begun: 10.8.2024- Part of Halloween ( Carrie-tober)

Read here:

Oneshots:

1. "Applin Dumpling"

2. "The Flat"

In which a misunderstanding between Penny and Nemona over an Applin results in chaos.

Rating: T

Of course there was only one solution to the Crater Crew all graduating but not wanting to go "home" or in some cases having no real home to go to. Be roommates of course!

How bad could it possibly be?

Rating: T

3. "Dragon's Breath"

Drayton is very amused by the chaos that is the Arven and Juliana nuptials happening all around him...but nothing is more entertaining than watching their very rigid and far too *stiff* bean pole of an emcee Kieran trying to figure out his speech.

Rating: T

Pokemon ( All Gens )

1. "A deals a deal"

Once upon a time there was a boy who climbed up a mountain... and once upon a time the boy did not climb down.

Rating: M

[ another carrie-tober fic for 2024 ]

****

Stardew Valley:

"To whom it may concern"

Quite the stir in Pelican Town occurs when news the Farmer is leaving town for their wedding spreads like wildfire - all except for a young man with a computer in the dark. Who has a few things to say...

Note: [ written entirely in 2nd perspective ]

Rating: T

***

Legend of Zelda : Breath of the Wild / Tears of the Kingdom

"Ghosts"

They can see the tears of the man who must save them... and yet they can do nothing about it.

Rating: T

"Petals in blood"

For each flower he plucks he weaves into a crown for her fair hair... this woman whose face he has never seen.

But who never leaves his mind

Rating: T

***

Could be more and i have one more Multi chapter scarlet violet fic ( another redux) "Better Late than Never" which makes "The Contract" look like it's rated T so do with that as you will xD

[carriedreamerx]

I never thought I'd actually enjoy writing a love triangle that wasn't paranormal or supernatural in nature but apparently I've been proven wrong.

Neat.

[carriedreamerx]

Leaving this apartment is surreal.

In less than 24 hours I'll be out of here and yeah this place was hell on earth the last year, the neighborhood creep had me in his sights and he wasn't taking no for an answer and apartment complex did nothing.

[ turns out that's illegal. The more you know]

But now...still long last.

I'm free.

Well I'm about to be. I'm finishing packing now.

It feels also like I'm leaving behind the last Traces of that frightened woman who was too afraid of her own shadow to speak a word, behind.

That's not me anymore.

Part of me thinks it never was.

I'll say this about gaslighting and domestic abuse, it changes you, it reprograms you, it's hard to break out of those instincts when you're confronted by them again, or in similar circumstances.

My nightmare neighbor triggered me back into a survival mode I hadn't experienced since 2017. I locked myself away, never opened the door except to go to work and yet resigned myself to this hollow existence

Because I was used to it.

And now...I understand finally, after years and years and a year of therapy... I don't have to be.

And i never will settle for the kind of hollow "being alive" but not "living" I used to be again.

My biological father passing was both tragic but also the final kick i needed to be free. Free at long last from the phantoms of my past that followed me everywhere.

And now I am beginning again, properly this time, and I am being solely myself.

They thought they could destroy me. My biological mother and sister.

No, their final bout of intended cruelty towards me... did the exact opposite.

It freed me.

So thanks a bunch you two, have the life you both deserve.

Because I'm not going to be in it.

I disown you.

[carriedreamerx]

There comes a time in every move that it just turns into - fuck it throw it out.

That's me. XD

I've hit that stage. I'd rather rebuild from scratch then deal with getting this shit into the truck- I like building things anyway.

So viva la dumpster.

[carriedreamerx]

I am shook.

Is it sad the fact someone's really nasty comment getting taken down immediately within minutes on Rednote has me almost in tears.

Probably but I am still shaking.

What the fuck has happened on American Social Media? Good god what have they DONE?

I need to go lie down. Holy shit.

[carriedreamerx]

I've been asked if I'm going to write a memoir. Not sure if I want to, the beast still has a very loud shrill roar and I would prefer not to get a headache.

The Blood family circus was a comedy troupe of horrors in a glass stage with the whole world watching.

Until the family fool smashed it open and got broken glass all over the floor. Yeah my feet were cut up pretty bad as I waded through that sharp sea but I made it out.

Escaping abuse isn't pretty. It's not a matter of standing up and being like, ya know what nah I'm over this see ya!

Its messy. It's hard. It's a shitstorm.

I made it out but with so little of myself left it was like a husk. A robot who wrote and worked. Writing, working, learning simple concepts most were taught from childhood but not me- nah.

I had to learn everything again. The right way. Instead of waiting to be the last to eat, it was first come first serve, instead of taking the smallest portions and only until everyone had had their fill I instead was instructed to take my fill.

I didn't even know what that was. What that meant. When I was sitting alone in that room that first night I remember being struck by tge sound of true...solitude.

The sound of peace.

It was... foreign to me. I'd never heard it before. It scared the devil out of me truth be told.

It was too quiet, too peaceful, I could hear the beat of my racing heart as I panicked more and more but peace?

What was peace but a trap? Who would come to attack me? Who was waiting to pounce. I was a gazelle creeping to the watering hole but knowing a crocodile was somewhere in wait.

Thats... how my host found me. Restlessly wandering the home, looking for a sound, any sound, memorizing the different creaks of wood for each step, practicing my own so I could find the quietest route.

But he managed to sneak up on me, my shock so obvious the carefully cheered glaze of my mask popped off completely.

He asked what was wrong. I told him a lie. I forget what it was. Probably something foolish.

But what could be more foolish than being afraid of peace. Of silence.

It was ludicrous. Absurd.

But there I was. Terrified of it.

Extraordinary now, I seek it out, I relish in it, peace, the hum of calm and silent reflection.

But back then... oh back then.

Silence was dangerous.

Silence meant danger coming.

Silence meant put your head down and pray, recite back the mantra, swear your covenant of secrets... keep it in the family.

Never speak about family business.

Keep it secret.

Secrets... so many secrets.

Is it any wonder I write about their power so often. The sheer magnitude of events that could happen because of such a thing, a little word that nonetheless has the means to be the most powerful in the world.

A secret is a secret.

A secret has power.

My flow had restarted with a vengeance. I was dizzy and tired, hungry and afraid. It just wouldn't stop.

My hair was in the pillow again. My voice was a cracked whisper from lack of use. The echos of that last desperate scream had yet to stop.

I'd forgotten the sound of my own voice. Its very presence had set the beast off, I was only allowed its use when I was away from that circus tent.

But even then it had been quiet. Less than audible and now I was standing in front of a mirror practicing vowels and consonants, putting them together and trying to remember how to piece together my thoughts aloud.

It was like relearning a skill as a baby would. It was a slow process. My words slurred together, my throat got tired easily. It was hard to believe a scant few years before I had been a soprano one belting out high E's and F's at my state chair competition.

Now that soprano could barely speak in a whisper.

I still to this day prefer my pen to my voice. My voice is not strong, I have to do subtle vocal exercises once a week, single soft silly songs to my cat, murmur things aloud as I work, even read and perform my writing as a private exercise...

Your voice is a tool, it's hard to bring back once it's rusted, it is likely a new Normal I will have for the rest of my life.

My parents allowed it to hapoen, they allowed the padlocks on the cabinet, the blows to my person and the brutal silencing of my own voice.

They allowed it all to happen.

There was no remorse until I fled.

Its a bitter irony.

The "strongest " one in the house was the one who was silenced first.

I don't even know if it was remorse or just naked fear.

Since I was gone... who would be next?

My pen is shaking. My hand twitches. I should probably stop this for now. Will i private it like I always would before, let the horrors be lost in the vacuum of cyber space.

Be the good one who never makes a fuss.

... you know.

I don't think i will.

[carriedreamerx]

Oh you had best not be calling me expecting me to swoop in and save the day now Blood- uh uh, no no, I warned you all until I was blue in the face and nothing doing.

I have no idea why this woman wants to talk to me- my guess is she wants to yell at me and scream, calling me names until she finally breaks down and cries over how she's about to lose everything.

Like....like your father was so afraid of! You remember don't you! You said you'd make sure this didn't happen! You promised!

Yeah and you want to know what else was a promise mother?

"Six more months".

Putting ice on my bruised up face.

"Just a few more months!"

My clothes falling off, my hair a pile in the pillow, my voice robbed from me even as I silently screamed.

"Just...just a few more."

Lying in a hospital bed, alone and scared. Waiting for my parents to come in...any minute... any minute now... when I finally broke and begged for help when neither of them were brave enough to do it.

They...they promised... they'd be there.

You...promised me Mother.

But you didn't come.

So why the fuck do you expect me to drop everything and come to you now.

No worries.

I've already made my own plans to honor him in my own way when the time comes.

You can wait that long right?

What's a few more months?

Just a few.

You said it yourself.

What's six more months?

****

Grief is a nasty beast. I'm done holding in the truth. Everything has been robbed from me my whole life but not my writing pen. Oh no.

Not this pen you were so afraid of.

Its only just been sharpened.