#Seriously why do I do this to myself lol
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One of my main heroes is a software engineer: I barely understand a03 code
Another of my mains is a biochemist- I barely passed chemistry in high school.
#Writers problems
ppl talk about the difficulty of writing characters smarter than yourself, but the real challenge is writing a character who is funnier than you are
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"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"
stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office
#good thing those folks have yet to find their way into my inbox or id be at risk of embarrassing myself lol#if you wanna see more of the content you prefer...make it yourself :3 MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING SELF lol#youre so attached to the idea youll complain about it but you refuse to do anything about it even create works that you and others will sur#ly enjoy how does this even make sense#sorry for reviving this from the dead when it blessfully hasnt been a thing in the tag for a hot moment but im still irritated hahahah#seriously you know what that screams to me? virtue signalling. you wont do anything except say a few words every now and again like#the motivation starts and ends at appealing to the popular opinion. earn your brownie points. and do nothing.#what is your care made of? thoughts and prayers?#every time ive asked one of these people why they dont make the content themselves the response has been 'i shouldnt have to lol'#you shouldnt have to bully people either with your aphobic BS but look at you! aw~#yall dont wanna commit to shit you just want to tell other people how they should exist.#if you cant create for whatever reason you better be ready and willing to drop your rec list and fave artists. and i sure as shit hope your#complimenting them thoroughly.
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who’s the most underrated faraway npc and why is it curtsey 💝
#seriously i’d never even heard of her before playing myself (and doing universally loved lol)#(i also now understand why people love mincy..)#omori#curtsey omori#cute girl omori#omori fanart#my art
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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leaving this on my tumblr where i can actually find it bc i posted it on twitter last week and it's already evaporated into the void lmao
#pls do not take this seriously it took ten minutes in the crappy windows video editor but it made me cackle#doctor who#much ado about nothing#donna noble#benedick of padua#??? idk do any of them even have last names?#goddamn shakespeare messing with my tagging sensibilities#there is a 100% chance i will forget where i saved the file for this any day now so it seems safer to put it on tumblr#the real question is whether i will remember what i tagged it as#i made this#why are you still reading these tags? i'm rambling to myself at this point lol ok love you bye#my posts
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me when i cant be someones favorite person all the time forever for no fucking reason: ah i see. hm. okay. i should go abandon everyone and everything and then kill myself
#like jesus man why cant i just be happy for people#its not even like they dont like me or anything i know they do obviously but my goddamn brain just goes#hey. hey. hey. hey. theyre abandoning you. they absolutely fucking hate you. you mean nothing to this person anymore now that they have-#other people they care about. which means you are being a burden and have to go die sobbing in a hole now sorry.#literally why#it fucking sucks so bad#i just want to be glad that my loved ones can rely on people who arent just me but noooooo i guess i have to have a breakdown over this#god#i hate myself so much dude#I seriously cant take this actually#i just want to be better#why cant i be better#and now i cant even enjoy one of my favorite bands playing anymore because im a selfish fucking prick#why does anyone even like me honestly#and this is over something thats literally so unimportant it means nothing i should not fucking care i dont want to care#tw sui ideation#im not actually considering it btw but god jesus i suck#and im attention seeking#i mean seriously i shouldnt post abt this#fucking stupid#i wish i wasnt like this#scribbles says shit#tw vent#kinda#er yeah i guess so#this is weird#only like the 4th real vent post ive ever made on here lol
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since i haven’t pissed off enough people today i’ll say something else. i’m actually not a fan of surprise song mashups and i’m glad this wasn’t a thing when it was my show
#they’re probably legally allowed to snipe me for saying this#and seriously no hate like if you got a mashup i’m happy for you bonus songs it so exciting!!#*is#and i totally believe in taylor doing whatever she wants#it would just stress me out personally#like i don’t like the idea of not getting an entire song out of it#and also i would feel like i couldn’t sing along because i wouldn’t know what’s coming next and that would upset me#but i like seeing the videos of them#taylor swift#mine#not trying to be hateful i promise this is something i would usually keep to myself but i feel like everyone’s raging anyway so why not lol
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
#the fear tho lmao#what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue#this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment#but honestly why do they always ask for my number#like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me#but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it#and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young#young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it#maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain#anyone younger than that#but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore#but I just needed to talk about this somewhere#because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to#customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it#idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it#anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow#and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by
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oh btw i have finished(?) writing my fangan's prologue and might share it if ppl would be inch rested in that. its a 35 page google doc that's formatted to be just dialogue and inner thoughts from Emiko (plus a few pictures). I can link my toyhouse with it for character ref because not all of my full body ref images are finished and on there. it's just the prologue so its just introductions and exposition, but..
if anybody would like to read it lmk by liking/replying to this post :^)
#and IF i do post it you all have to be so niceys to me (/j)#but in all seriousness i wouldn't consider myself a writer so if it's rough around the edges thats why LOL
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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recoloured this old warmup to repost cause I had it on my mind.
If Clark is going to be in earth 19 (gotham by gaslight universe) (they're publishing more gbg and clark is going to be there), then listen to me listen to me, he needs to be a cowboy. Superman needs to be a cowboy in the big city. I am SOO serious about this. I am on my knees, DC, let me write for you, I would add so many themes about modern technology versus traditional knowledge and sprinkle in some anticolonialism PLEASE.
You could have a cute little Daily Planet that has to struggle against yellow journalism in a smoky little backroom & setting their own type, a la The Truth. You could have gentlemen's clubs. You could have a brutal war against unions in the streets and one lone titan of industry giving into their demands. You could have the exact same 3 batkids from the movie, there's literally nothing to improve on there. You could have Clark tear down a barbed wire fence with his bare hands, in a futile attempt to unravel colonialist ideas of private land ownership. Imagine the alien knows more about the earth, the real earth, than the knight in his city does. Imagine the American dream failing Clark, who has to go back east to the big city, failing Bruce, who lost his parents, failing everyone over and over until they decide to build something without it. In an era of rampant exploitation, what do real heroes look like?
Or you can make the justice league fight big steampunk robots ig I'm excited either way.
#all that to say ask me about the gotham by gaslight superbat friendship I've been thinking about for a LITERAL YEAR...#the original colouring on this was only the sort of ass you can achieve with a blue light filter at 2am#also I can hear you saying “why do your warmups usually look better than your final drawings Moose?”#(shh let me imagine I have a huge rapt audience)#well. I have aphantasia which makes it much harder to make things up than to draw from life#however my passion is cartooning. so I'm a little fucked#I also have a disability that sometimes makes me run a temperature when I overexert myself mentally#so drawing cartoons can make me run a literal fever#whereas drawing from life is more abt hand skill than brain skill so it doesn't fuck me up#but that's why I don't draw much anymore lol. Arranging people and items and background on a canvas is excruciating trial and error#but when you already have a pic the photographer has done some of that for you and you just need to collage preexisting images together#and once you have the elements of the picture then it's easy to retroactively construct a balanced tableau#tl:dr creativity is hard and makes CPU explode but editing is easy#that being said if a mutual wants me to draw an animal or something for them & gives me a reference I will drop everything to do it. dm me.#seriously I'm good w anything organic like plants or animals or horrible growths#hell if u do thumbnails I'll draw the full thing. I'll write w you. I fuckin love collaboration.#might be a bad writing partner though cause I'm neurotic as hell#.#I just remembered that Dan Garret was in earth 19 last time it was shown in a comic#no offense to all you dan-heads out there. but I think he should die.#cause I would be. obsessed. With 1890s Chicago cryptid Ted Kord#I think he should be 23 and terrible#the most steampunk guy around. Probably takes cocaine. Still a college student (gettin his fourth degree). Hasn't left his house in a month#not to mention futureboy Booster in his kevlar vest with his iphone named skeets
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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.
it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages
While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.
The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.
#asks#Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do#Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care#All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else#People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified#It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic#I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally#I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol#Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized#'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now#Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently#Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context#So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care
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i am genuinely so crazyyyy about lbruuuuu.... like Genuinely Genuinely. its pretty bad guise
#like. im crazy about the.m#unfortunately ive been touched by autism and therefore the pattern seeking. they are so dirkjake#and also so me nand my husband <3#its kind of freaky actually#my husband and kabru both have ptsd overthinking masking disease. he said he didnt like kabru (anime only) and i told him about those trait#and he was like is he me. is that why i dont like him. and i was like LOL#he was ilke i dont like that he says what he needs to get what he wants... and i was like sir we literally just talked about how bad your#Fake Conflict Avoidant has gotten bro dont even play#im laios ofc.... ofc... not only is our autism like. similar in presentation. but also the whole never fitting in#and getting told off by a friend granted i wasnt told she always hated me but i was told about how annoying i am and on another occasion#how unreliable i am so LOLLLL that entireeeee scene seriously wrenched my soul#anyway im gonna commit egregious acts against myself to atone for this#alsoooooohis relationship with falin... is really relatable..#now this may sound harsh against laios but im his number one fan i will defend him to death but...#he left his struggling sister to avoid his own pain and didnt reconnect with her for years#like. Yeah. wow. i will say i was much more cruel to my sibling than laios ever was to falin lol he was just kind of a normal brotherly ass#and ofc he was a kid when he ran from home! and i was a kid when i had severe unmanaged adhd (with tism) and had 0 hold on my emotions#and then i withdrew from my sibling once i got on antidepressants lol#it was really difficult to deal with the guilt of having mistreated them to the extent i did while also acknowledging i was failed by our#adults its hard figuring out what exactly youre sorry for#anyways#i love oversharing here. do you guys like it. does anyone ever read these rants#DM
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real personal but hey chat am i an abuser & manipulator for trying to get someone to understand how their actions hurt me, how their behavior sometimes is somewhat inconsiderate and emotional support one-sided, but that’s me calling myself a victim even though I’ve always been able to admit my wrongdoings and where it’s been my fault and correct my behavior try to be better etc. also me trying to talk about very real personal issues that is vulnerable to me, my mental health issues is “too much” and i should just “get over it, grow up” but whenever its about their mental problems i suddenly have to understand everything and why and how i have to be so they don’t react differently & always there to talk about whatever they’re going through. also my hobbies and interests could never be talked about, only theirs mainly or whatever few interests we shared. trying to get them to acknowledge this without berating me and trying to paint me as the worst person ever is draining. yeah i’ve been struggling horribly this past year, so fucking bad. the past five years it’s been great together bc i usually keep everything to myself and I don’t push my issues onto anyone else, hate being a burden but i thought i could go them since this year has been absolute hell for me bc we are “best friends” yk for some understanding, support, love, just someone to talk to me. I bear my soul to them but all I get is nah I just need to get over myself i guess and they know ive been neglected horribly during childhood that’s the worst part. i wish i could just get over it all lmaoooo wish it was that easy fr
#I never do this lol#i never post anything abt myself on anything but atm im just ranting bc i have no one else lmao#seriously am I the problem here#yuhhh i think i need to cut them off for good#this friendship feels one sided#I always end up hurt but do what they want to keep them pleased so yeah idk if this is good lmao#why am i always told my emotions are too much or wrong but everyone else’s is valid#like what’s up with that rn its happened so much recently
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ITS YOU! YOU HAVE RANDOMLY APPEARED IN ME FEED, HII!
I am fully caught up on Redeath and Search Through The Stars, and im sad because not only is this fic almost over, but another unrelated long-shot fic I’ve been reading for a while is ALSO almost over. Send help I don’t know what im going to do with my life. Find more fics I guess.
aww this is such a sweet message to wake up to. and hey don't cry cos it's over smile cos it happened or whatever the quote is lmao <3
if it's any consolation, after 4 years spent in this au, i'm also at a bit of a loss on what to do now XD (probably i should catch up on rrr, which i'm guessing is the other fic you're talking about lol)
i'm gonna try to do some more original stuff, though, so feel free to stick around for more silly gay people fucking around and finding out XD
#ask#thatmoththoth#redeath stts#redeath#seriously idk what i'm gonna do with myself#even now i'm reworking the ending slightly#*looks awkwardly at the 1500+ new words*#it flows better now tho#and martin's appearance makes a lot more sense#he no longer just kinda busts in waving a gun around#i'm glad i thought of the current thing before posting lol#i was never fully satisfied with it before#but now it feels like a worthy ending#(or at least it will once i rework a couple more things)#(he says a mere couple days before posting it)#as for original stuff#i've got a lot of ideas#and just haven't had enough brain capacity to get them all down#one of them is definitely space gays tho#we may even see some old friends from stts!#because why shouldn't i reuse a couple of em lol#not donovan tho probably he was For Elias Only XD#the talyn will definitely show up in that tho#and possibly elaive and binora#but we shall see#the other main one i've been working on is about a god who accidentally became the god of evil because their friends are dicks#or something like that#i'll try to post more about those once stts is over#and maybe actually write them ^^'
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So anyway it's not showing up because it's a fairy child.
#From#From tv series#those ghost children were the victims of human sacrifice#when Victor tells people to be quiet they need to listen to him oh my god lol#I know in many ways he's still a child but seriously#I was annoyed with Tabitha in the tunnels even though I like her generally#I was equally annoyed with Victor's father#shut. up.#but also those creatures are fairies#like why didn't they attack them in the tunnels?#because it's day#and the rules are that they can't attack in the day#just like they can't attack anyone in closed dwellings where there are talismans hung up#to be clear this doesn't mean I think Fatima is pregnant with a creature#there are lots of different types of fairy#hers may be very different#the boy in white might be a different fairy too#the music box monster was different#and the thing that dragged the tent#I NEED the next episode lol#what will I do with myself at the season's end?#they better not cancel it before it's intended end#I require a resolution#a proper ending
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