#Seriously why do I do this to myself lol
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One of my main heroes is a software engineer: I barely understand a03 code
Another of my mains is a biochemist- I barely passed chemistry in high school.
#Writers problems
ppl talk about the difficulty of writing characters smarter than yourself, but the real challenge is writing a character who is funnier than you are
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"shipping saiki is aphobic because he's aroace!"
stares at you with my demiromantic asexual in a committed relationship eyes then looks at the camera like im in the office
#good thing those folks have yet to find their way into my inbox or id be at risk of embarrassing myself lol#if you wanna see more of the content you prefer...make it yourself :3 MAKE IT YOUR FUCKING SELF lol#youre so attached to the idea youll complain about it but you refuse to do anything about it even create works that you and others will sur#ly enjoy how does this even make sense#sorry for reviving this from the dead when it blessfully hasnt been a thing in the tag for a hot moment but im still irritated hahahah#seriously you know what that screams to me? virtue signalling. you wont do anything except say a few words every now and again like#the motivation starts and ends at appealing to the popular opinion. earn your brownie points. and do nothing.#what is your care made of? thoughts and prayers?#every time ive asked one of these people why they dont make the content themselves the response has been 'i shouldnt have to lol'#you shouldnt have to bully people either with your aphobic BS but look at you! aw~#yall dont wanna commit to shit you just want to tell other people how they should exist.#if you cant create for whatever reason you better be ready and willing to drop your rec list and fave artists. and i sure as shit hope your#complimenting them thoroughly.
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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going through some old left-for-dead projects and just found this one where I was like. INTENT on dissecting jeff's brain on the operating table (i.e. google docs) but only from todd's weird skewed pov
[professor voice] it's about brothers as eternal combatants and it's about being so convinced of your own goodness you excuse your shitty actions. it's also about comparing yourself to a dog because you feel less fully formed than your brother. lol.
#“so-and-so is an irredeemable character with no depth” jokes are funny sure but unfortunately i'm unable to not take things seriously#anyway: i remember people being like [about hymnal] this is crazy! this fraternal dynamic is so fucked up! and being kind of non-plussed#because the dynamic i wrote into the fair folk wip [this one] was like fifty thousand times more. argh. bites#THIS WASN'T EVEN SCRATCHING THE SURFACE#also i've always been an advocate of writing cruel characters with sympathy because the best feeling as a reader is when#you're reading and start nodding along with a particular guy and have to take a step back and recoil at how receptive you were to them#when the character is kind and jolly and cares but he's still letting the abuse happen under his nose :eyes:#anyway this ALSO isn't an accurate jeff portrait because todd's pov is weird and jaded and sardonic at the beginning of the story#and also he's like three seconds away from exploding. lol#hm. i never explained it to myself fully [probably why i never finished this] but i think the issue was that#todd is Too understanding and he's perceptive enough to see everyone's motivations but that makes it worse because now he's too#not forgiving. but he can excuse people's actions very easily#and thus when people actually do shitty things and it makes him mad he can't really justify being mad to himself - but he still is#and this makes him sooooo volatile. and becomes a problem later on in the wip when he's trying to work on cameron#because understanding isn't the ending point you have to do the action sometimes! lol!#goddamn. i miss writing this au.#dead poets society#tristan writes#dps#dps fic#todd anderson#jeff anderson#SORRY THIS IS VERY LONG. I JUST REDISCOVERED THIS AND IT BROUGHT A LOT OF MEMORIES BACK.
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leaving this on my tumblr where i can actually find it bc i posted it on twitter last week and it's already evaporated into the void lmao
#pls do not take this seriously it took ten minutes in the crappy windows video editor but it made me cackle#doctor who#much ado about nothing#donna noble#benedick of padua#??? idk do any of them even have last names?#goddamn shakespeare messing with my tagging sensibilities#there is a 100% chance i will forget where i saved the file for this any day now so it seems safer to put it on tumblr#the real question is whether i will remember what i tagged it as#i made this#why are you still reading these tags? i'm rambling to myself at this point lol ok love you bye#my posts
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me when i cant be someones favorite person all the time forever for no fucking reason: ah i see. hm. okay. i should go abandon everyone and everything and then kill myself
#like jesus man why cant i just be happy for people#its not even like they dont like me or anything i know they do obviously but my goddamn brain just goes#hey. hey. hey. hey. theyre abandoning you. they absolutely fucking hate you. you mean nothing to this person anymore now that they have-#other people they care about. which means you are being a burden and have to go die sobbing in a hole now sorry.#literally why#it fucking sucks so bad#i just want to be glad that my loved ones can rely on people who arent just me but noooooo i guess i have to have a breakdown over this#god#i hate myself so much dude#I seriously cant take this actually#i just want to be better#why cant i be better#and now i cant even enjoy one of my favorite bands playing anymore because im a selfish fucking prick#why does anyone even like me honestly#and this is over something thats literally so unimportant it means nothing i should not fucking care i dont want to care#tw sui ideation#im not actually considering it btw but god jesus i suck#and im attention seeking#i mean seriously i shouldnt post abt this#fucking stupid#i wish i wasnt like this#scribbles says shit#tw vent#kinda#er yeah i guess so#this is weird#only like the 4th real vent post ive ever made on here lol
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since i haven’t pissed off enough people today i’ll say something else. i’m actually not a fan of surprise song mashups and i’m glad this wasn’t a thing when it was my show
#they’re probably legally allowed to snipe me for saying this#and seriously no hate like if you got a mashup i’m happy for you bonus songs it so exciting!!#*is#and i totally believe in taylor doing whatever she wants#it would just stress me out personally#like i don’t like the idea of not getting an entire song out of it#and also i would feel like i couldn’t sing along because i wouldn’t know what’s coming next and that would upset me#but i like seeing the videos of them#taylor swift#mine#not trying to be hateful i promise this is something i would usually keep to myself but i feel like everyone’s raging anyway so why not lol
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
#the fear tho lmao#what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue#this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment#but honestly why do they always ask for my number#like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me#but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it#and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young#young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it#maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain#anyone younger than that#but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore#but I just needed to talk about this somewhere#because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to#customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it#idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it#anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow#and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by
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ahhhhhhhh guess who made the mistake of getting a haircut
#i was planning on growing it out for real i swear#but then the back of my hair got to that length (like it always does) where it starts touching the back of my neck wrong and i cant stand it#so i figured I'd juuuuuust get a trim maybe only the back so it wouldn't keep bugging me#and it started off pretty good too she was doing well with everything and i liked the way it looked#then she asked me a question with two options. and i answered the question. and she repeated my answer. good enough right?#well i think she maaaay have forgotten my answer in the span of like 2 seconds bc she started cutting SUPER short suddenly#and now my perm is completely gone lol#i think she's used to going a bit shorter so it looks good in like a week when it's grown out a bit#and you don't have to go back for a haircut every 2 weeks#but like. i would rather not hate my reflection (more than usual) for a week or two while it grows out yknow#eurghhhh it's not that bad tbh ive had haircuts where i wanted to kill myself and this is just 'hmm maybe i should wear a hat for a week'#but still. very annoying. and especially so bc i was actually feeling optimistic with where we were going at the start#anyway there's this weird phenomenon that keeps happening where I accidentally get my hair cut too short#then i decide this is going to be the time i finally grow my hair out for real#and after a while the back reaches that length where it starts bothering me again#and ill get a haircut juuust for a trim#then i somehow end up with a bowlcut#it's an emo bowlcut to be clear. so im not super hung up about it bc i still love that haircut for reasons i cannot comprehend#but everybody else seems to go 'ew a bowlcut why' except for the alt queers who go 'omg gender'#which i consider to be one of the biggest compliments i could ever get. and have gotten. seriously that moment will never leave my mind#like having someone that you consider Gender to look at you and say *you're* very gender? my crops have been watered my cattle have been fed#etc etc. anyway this currently has the shape of a bowl cut but it's too short esp on top#so im back in my 'okay im gonna grow it our FOR REAL this time' phase again. as it goes. like fucking sisyphus.#anyway. im gonna be tearing it up in the pit at origami angel tomorrow so if anybody's also going feel free to join me there#just gotta let off some steam. goddammit i knew i should have gone the queer route and just done it myself. in my defense i still had a perm#and i didn't trust myself to cut curly hair. turns out i shouldn't have trusted the barber either bc she just held it straight out#and chopped right across. and soon the curls were gone and everything was straight. ...that sounds like a metaphor for conversion therapy#'yeah just head into that place by the time you leave you'll be straight'#anyway. sorry for the waterfall of tags if ur still here kudos to you and may you have a wonderful day#mine
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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.
it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages
While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.
The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.
#asks#Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do#Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care#All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else#People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified#It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic#I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally#I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol#Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized#'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now#Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently#Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context#So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care
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Hiii, I came to check on you today, how have you been? Have you eaten well? I would like to know how you are. ⸜(。˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
Hi!! Omg thank you, that's sweet and kind of you /gen, Im doing okay today (i just woke up, it's 3 pm jajsjs) i been playing the sims 4 all day yesterday just building the pd1 house xD and doing other stuff :/
I haven't eaten that well tbh, i been eating lots of recipes with potatos and ordering stuff with potatos because my mom doesn't have any good money so we've been struggling a bit with money and stuff for a long time so im used to it i guess jskdk and potatos are all that we had at home.
I have been okay but at the same time very bad because I don't know if i wanna come back here, some of y'all postal art is very triggering for me and im a little disgusted at times, i just wish i could have a little bit more fun you know? Not feel intimidated. I think that or I'll either leave and just post occasionally or just keep posting and blacklist the postal tag :/
(i like this type of asks a lot btw thanks, makes me feel good and happy)
Here's a doodle that one of my friends requested xD it's postal dude 3 eating a massive burger...tf
#diary post#i see why people leave the postal fandom. y'all so edgy and ableist and stupid that makes me sick.#and i hate the “well. haven't you play the game??” i did bitch. wtf do you mean by that#silent hill and mouthwashing are games with disturbing stories as well but they're not around their fandom doing this bullshit#have some fun!! geez!! y'all taking it way too seriously in the wrong way.#i am sentive and i have my boundaries but i can't have a safe space here so that fucking sucks :)#I can't even have a space for myself in the pd12 side since all of you don't even make something that isn't a joke like--#“haha this ship is so stupid so cringe hhaha lol” so why are you drawing it...? idk i hate this#have some passion for once goddamn it.#cringe culture is dead anyways#i just can't understand how a game franchise like postal have this fandom bruh xd anyways... WHERE'S MY YAOI???
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i am genuinely so crazyyyy about lbruuuuu.... like Genuinely Genuinely. its pretty bad guise
#like. im crazy about the.m#unfortunately ive been touched by autism and therefore the pattern seeking. they are so dirkjake#and also so me nand my husband <3#its kind of freaky actually#my husband and kabru both have ptsd overthinking masking disease. he said he didnt like kabru (anime only) and i told him about those trait#and he was like is he me. is that why i dont like him. and i was like LOL#he was ilke i dont like that he says what he needs to get what he wants... and i was like sir we literally just talked about how bad your#Fake Conflict Avoidant has gotten bro dont even play#im laios ofc.... ofc... not only is our autism like. similar in presentation. but also the whole never fitting in#and getting told off by a friend granted i wasnt told she always hated me but i was told about how annoying i am and on another occasion#how unreliable i am so LOLLLL that entireeeee scene seriously wrenched my soul#anyway im gonna commit egregious acts against myself to atone for this#alsoooooohis relationship with falin... is really relatable..#now this may sound harsh against laios but im his number one fan i will defend him to death but...#he left his struggling sister to avoid his own pain and didnt reconnect with her for years#like. Yeah. wow. i will say i was much more cruel to my sibling than laios ever was to falin lol he was just kind of a normal brotherly ass#and ofc he was a kid when he ran from home! and i was a kid when i had severe unmanaged adhd (with tism) and had 0 hold on my emotions#and then i withdrew from my sibling once i got on antidepressants lol#it was really difficult to deal with the guilt of having mistreated them to the extent i did while also acknowledging i was failed by our#adults its hard figuring out what exactly youre sorry for#anyways#i love oversharing here. do you guys like it. does anyone ever read these rants#DM
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it is just equal parts validating and infuriating that I've apparently always been right about certain aspects of mental health but resigned myself to the opinions of professionals who disagreed when... no lol I was right! And it's at least nice to know I'm right to advocate for myself in the future too bc I'm not making things up lol
#Txt#I asked for wellbutrin 2 years ago when I was seeing a different pcp and did nott#get it or a psych referral. Or if i did get a referral their office never did anything with it bc#they were so disorganized for the more pressing stuff at the time which is why I switched pcps#Meanwhile my current one is like 'oh you have symptoms?? Here's wellbutrin'#Like!!! I didn't even have to ask about it myself and I'm so mad I just let it go#and suffered to the point where it was taking me the entire day to#do a 10 minute task and feel like I'm being beaten to death while doing it#I ofc take responsibility for not pushing harder on these things or maybe not communicating#them more effectively but what the fuck lol#Always being written off or not taken seriously didn't give me much confidence in my judgement
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real personal but hey chat am i an abuser & manipulator for trying to get someone to understand how their actions hurt me, how their behavior sometimes is somewhat inconsiderate and emotional support one-sided, but that’s me calling myself a victim even though I’ve always been able to admit my wrongdoings and where it’s been my fault and correct my behavior try to be better etc. also me trying to talk about very real personal issues that is vulnerable to me, my mental health issues is “too much” and i should just “get over it, grow up” but whenever its about their mental problems i suddenly have to understand everything and why and how i have to be so they don’t react differently & always there to talk about whatever they’re going through. also my hobbies and interests could never be talked about, only theirs mainly or whatever few interests we shared. trying to get them to acknowledge this without berating me and trying to paint me as the worst person ever is draining. yeah i’ve been struggling horribly this past year, so fucking bad. the past five years it’s been great together bc i usually keep everything to myself and I don’t push my issues onto anyone else, hate being a burden but i thought i could go them since this year has been absolute hell for me bc we are “best friends” yk for some understanding, support, love, just someone to talk to me. I bear my soul to them but all I get is nah I just need to get over myself i guess and they know ive been neglected horribly during childhood that’s the worst part. i wish i could just get over it all lmaoooo wish it was that easy fr
#I never do this lol#i never post anything abt myself on anything but atm im just ranting bc i have no one else lmao#seriously am I the problem here#yuhhh i think i need to cut them off for good#this friendship feels one sided#I always end up hurt but do what they want to keep them pleased so yeah idk if this is good lmao#why am i always told my emotions are too much or wrong but everyone else’s is valid#like what’s up with that rn its happened so much recently
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ITS YOU! YOU HAVE RANDOMLY APPEARED IN ME FEED, HII!
I am fully caught up on Redeath and Search Through The Stars, and im sad because not only is this fic almost over, but another unrelated long-shot fic I’ve been reading for a while is ALSO almost over. Send help I don’t know what im going to do with my life. Find more fics I guess.
aww this is such a sweet message to wake up to. and hey don't cry cos it's over smile cos it happened or whatever the quote is lmao <3
if it's any consolation, after 4 years spent in this au, i'm also at a bit of a loss on what to do now XD (probably i should catch up on rrr, which i'm guessing is the other fic you're talking about lol)
i'm gonna try to do some more original stuff, though, so feel free to stick around for more silly gay people fucking around and finding out XD
#ask#thatmoththoth#redeath stts#redeath#seriously idk what i'm gonna do with myself#even now i'm reworking the ending slightly#*looks awkwardly at the 1500+ new words*#it flows better now tho#and martin's appearance makes a lot more sense#he no longer just kinda busts in waving a gun around#i'm glad i thought of the current thing before posting lol#i was never fully satisfied with it before#but now it feels like a worthy ending#(or at least it will once i rework a couple more things)#(he says a mere couple days before posting it)#as for original stuff#i've got a lot of ideas#and just haven't had enough brain capacity to get them all down#one of them is definitely space gays tho#we may even see some old friends from stts!#because why shouldn't i reuse a couple of em lol#not donovan tho probably he was For Elias Only XD#the talyn will definitely show up in that tho#and possibly elaive and binora#but we shall see#the other main one i've been working on is about a god who accidentally became the god of evil because their friends are dicks#or something like that#i'll try to post more about those once stts is over#and maybe actually write them ^^'
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So anyway it's not showing up because it's a fairy child.
#From#From tv series#those ghost children were the victims of human sacrifice#when Victor tells people to be quiet they need to listen to him oh my god lol#I know in many ways he's still a child but seriously#I was annoyed with Tabitha in the tunnels even though I like her generally#I was equally annoyed with Victor's father#shut. up.#but also those creatures are fairies#like why didn't they attack them in the tunnels?#because it's day#and the rules are that they can't attack in the day#just like they can't attack anyone in closed dwellings where there are talismans hung up#to be clear this doesn't mean I think Fatima is pregnant with a creature#there are lots of different types of fairy#hers may be very different#the boy in white might be a different fairy too#the music box monster was different#and the thing that dragged the tent#I NEED the next episode lol#what will I do with myself at the season's end?#they better not cancel it before it's intended end#I require a resolution#a proper ending
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