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zirkkun · 4 years ago

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I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

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iamnotawomanimagod · 3 years ago

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7 & 26 for the three songs ask? ^^

Thank youuu! <3

7. Three songs you never expected to like but eventually loved:

i. "brutal" by Olivia Rodrigo

I was late to the party with "drivers license" and wasn't expecting a sound like this from her.

ii. "Special" by Ashnikko

I never expected to love Ashnikko as much as I do - she's brash, crude, and loud. But she's also a talented rapper and her lyrics cut sharp.

iii. "Wasabi" by Little Mix

I'd tried and tried with LM, especially after hearing their acoustic/acapella renditions of other pop songs, but I could never really get into their original music. It wasn't until I heard this one that I did a deep-dive for more bad bitch bops.

26. Three favorite non-English songs:

i. "Poussière D'ange" by Ariana Moffat

A very beautiful, sad song about a pregnant woman who wants kids someday, but isn't quite ready yet, and is saying a tender goodbye to her unwanted pregnancy before she has an abortion.

ii. "Si Tú Te Vas" by Ximena Sariñana

One of my favorite Tejano songs. Impossible to hear that beat and not want to dance.

iii. "Coo Quack Cluck-ク・ク・ル-～おれさま" by Miyavi

I was obsessed with this song in high school thanks to a brief but intense weeaboo phase. I still have no idea what it's about. I even watched Oresama, but it didn't have subtitles, sooo... didn't pick up on much in terms of plot. But it's a catchy song and has some fun crunchy guitars!

Wanna play along? Send me another!

#asks #lovelybeautifulpretty #about me #thank you again <3

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zelskzerker · 3 years ago

Text

Mangadex went down so I read alot 1/7

Lets review a bunch of isekai and related stuff I binged because mangadex went down. The scale will be a single thumbs up to a single thumbs down in terms of how much I would consider recommending it in general.

Legend

Chapters 1-51 Pretty straight forward in most aspects. For the best. Nothing crazy bad or good happening, making it surprisingly straight forward for an isekai. [Insert isekai startup here] but this time the MC is given a super magic body and the knowledge of ancient magic. Which he promptly uses to create a griffon buddy. Gets a THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER for just being a nice, believable stay in a world, but I have read some stuff that really has interesting sparks the way this doesnt. MC is brutal at times and General Princess is cute. They make a good pair for each other. Although there are no ecchi situations, that artist really knows how to slide in the lewds, whether its mid combat flourishes or pre chapter artwork.

The Black Create Summoner: Revolt of Reincarnated

All Chapters

Truly is revolting. A resounding THUMBS DOWN. Apparently this was just an advertisement manga, which means that its intentionally incomplete and unsatisfying. Ontop of that, the sketchy artwork was generally rough and got worse to look at the more it went on. [Insert isekai startup here] but this time he has a grimoire that lets him summon stuff he draws. The power isn’t used that much though or in that creative of ways. Characters didn’t really leave an impact except maybe the elf little sister that is stubborn yet knows she is incompotent and recruits a dragon out of stubbornness.

Minotaur’s Sweetheart

Chapters 1-16

So what if a minotaur accidentally seduced the adventurer that was assigned to kill him? This is a good romance manga deserving a THUMBS UP because the pure-hearted minotaur boy and the unmarriageable adventurer girl actually develop a relationship and progress as people. The manga is ultimately about monsters and humans interacting and is fresh due to having a plot that evolves the situation a lot beyond the initial setup of the manga.

Moon-led Journey Across Another World

Chapters 1-64

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time the god of the new world calls the MC ugly and banishes him to the edge of the world to die off. In order to help out the MC, the god of our world (Tsukuyomi) gives him a bit of power. The MC is funny to watch once you realize that he is an incredibly cautious pureboy and expecting every common street thug to potentially end him but in reality he is a god-rivaling cataclysm himself and never realizes. He is so powerful that he recruits the blue haired mist dragon, Tomoe, and accidentally turns her into a weeaboo. Tomoe can read minds and access pocket space with her mist ontop of her sick weeaboo katana skills. She really shines as the most mature person in the story, gaining information that no one else in the story has and carefully withholding it from the MC in order to protect his innocence. She is a DAMN good tomboyish waifu and sarashii is a blessing. Other main girl is yandere spider, Mio, which has shockingly good and well conveyed bouts of emotion. She has an extremely rare “can’t cook at all” joke that is explained due to her “eat literally anything” nature. In terms of plot, the MC hates the god of the world he is in and pretty much plans to do everything she doesn’t want him to. Which means mingling with humans, and eventually, god slaying/usurption. Odd think about this manga is that it’s heavily Japanese-inspired. That may sound odd because its a manga, but generally isekai are most medieval/western skinned than this one which leans in on Japanese mythos. Just look at the god of our world in the manga.

THUMBS UP.

The Unsuccessful yet Academically Unparalleled Sage ~A Cheating S-Rank Sorcerer's Post-Rebirth Adventurer Log~

Chapter 1-10 So lets set up this genre here. This is a part of the “reincarnation” genre, which is a spinoff of isekai. They generally depict a very capable mage who reincarnates themselves into the future of their own world. At which point they realize that although they were pretty strong in their day, they are now practically a god in the deteriorated modern day. This genre will hereby be indicated by [Insert reincarnation startup here]. For this manga in specific, [Insert isekai startup here] but this time the MC could only use lightning magic and was the best at it but failed the gene gacha then [Insert reincarnation startup here] and he fails gene gacha again but is still the walking thunder god. These kinds of manga are always precious when the MC can walk through the world and see the fruits of their past labor. Specifically through Merlin, the MC’s adopted demon daughter who has grown up to be his heritor and bridge human/demon relationships. Truly adorable and heart warming. Lacks a bit of spice from themeing or ongoing plot due to its short length however. THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER.

Older Elite Knight is cute only in front of me

Chapters 1-17.1

THUMBS UP. This is an oneshota manga where shota is a chad with incredibly good tastes. A really good ecchi manga with a light hearted story featuring Haru(the shota) knight that joins Karen’s(the oneesan) knight crew. As with all good romance manga, the main plot isn’t romance. Knight shenanigins are always happening, with a big (and lewd) bad entering recently. Top tier variation on the lewds, even including a princess loli in on the fun. Must read for all oneshota fans.

Lonely Attack on A Different World

Chapter 1-91

[Insert isekai startup forma de classroom here] but this time the MC gets leftover garbage skills and has to learn to survive. Learning to survive thus makes him the most op and he can magic trick his way out of literally anything. Strong start as the whole classroom first tries to get their footing, but after the starting arc is done this manga starts spinning it’s wheels. The manga is kinda lacking in themes, overarching plot and end goals, so stuff just happens to make this a sort of slice of life trap room escape manga. Magic “just works” in this universe so its not very dramatic when the MC pulls out a new trick out of his bag of million tricks. Just kinda stagnates too much for my liking. THUMB IN THE BOTTOM CORNER.

The Unwanted Undead Adventurer

Chapters 1-34

Rentt Faina, the MC, is a good guy with no talent who aspires to be a legendary adventurer. But then he gets turned into a skeleton, giving the chance to evolve his way to greatness, kinda like in Spider isekai or Dragon isekai. The MC is most like Goblin Slayer in his serious and knowledgeable approach to the world, how characters that know him revere him. End goal so far is just him seeing how far he can evolve as he comes across other vampires and vampire hunters. Really want to see him go to the top. Fuckin great art. Girls drawn perfect. Like the hat on the guild girl, but nothing beats the witch Lorraine. THUMBS UP.

Teihen Ryoushu No Kanchigai Eiyuutan

Chapters 1-13

THUMB IN UPPER CORNER. Pretty funny comedy about a lord of a poor land who wants to be a stereotypical evil lord but can only use healing magic. Therefore he bumbles his way into accepting a heretical cult nun, beast men who hate humans, etc. All the girls are to crazy for him to want to sex them(weak. give the assassin nun your babies). Most interesting parts are aforementioned nun, his fujoshi assistant, and the MC’s willingness to use his power to commit heretical and immoral warcrimes.

The Undead Lord of the Palace of Darkness

Chapters 1-11

Art average, don’t come to this one for spectacle. It’s strength is in the subertfuge that it’s recently-necromanced-back-to-life MC goes through to get his Master killed and to later, probably, evolve into a vampire. MC isn’t evil though, just wants to survive. Main girl on cover was born and raised to hunt vampires but has a compassionate heart. Obviously she goes easy on and relates to MC. Story is still kinda in it’s first arc so the overall trajectory of the story is a bit hard to gauge and not quite satisfying enough by its own right. Probably a thumb up with more chapters but for now THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER.

The Reincarnated Inferior Magic Swordsman

Chapters 1-38

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time.... uh... THUMB SIDEWAYS. Usually I am patient, but 31 chapters with no goal and just barely plot? Wow. Saving grace is uh... I guess the world of “other isekai people existed but they sucked because they didn’t level uncap like MC” could go somewhere but. I take it back, lowering this one to a THUMB DOWN.

The Invincible Sage in the Second World.

Chapters 1-12

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time a pro mmo player in a game called “Broken Balance Online.” Guess what his class, the sage class, was considered in the game? Not far along enough to really pop off but it isn’t horrible. MC is moderately cautious to a healthy degree which is actually rare in most isekai. THUMB IN BOTTOM LEFT CORNER.

The Dark Queen and I Strike Back

Chapters 1-29.5

Although technically an isekai, no isekai startup here. This a battle manga with a big mystery on the backdrop of a war. That is to say, the MC gets teleported to a world to kill the demons but he ends up defending them from the humans with all he’s got. Of special note is the complete seriousness of this manga that whiplashes into debauchery like tentacles, the above cover, oneshota, and even really dark jokes in some of the omake. That tonal lash effect will be either make or break, and it is a HUGE make for me. I love when a single piece can have both absolute serious scenes and utterly lighthearted and fluffy ones. Or in this case utterly lewd ones. May the average-human-amount-of-perverted MC one day slam some demon lord loli. THUMBS UP.

Chillin' in Another World with Level 2 Super Cheat Powers

Chapters 1-24

THUMB SIDEWAYS. Has the feeling of a nerfed slime isekai. Nerfed in all ways except romance. Art surprisingly good.

#Legend #The Black Create Summoner: Revolt of Reincarnated #Minotaur’s Sweetheart #Moon-led Journey Across Another World #The Unsuccessful yet Academically Unparalleled Sage ~A Cheating S-Rank Sorcerer's Post-Rebirth Adventurer Log~#Older Elite Knight is cute only in front of me #Lonely Attack on A Different World #The Unwanted Undead Adventurer #Teihen Ryoushu No Kanchigai Eiyuutan #The Undead Lord of the Palace of Darkness #The Reincarnated Inferior Magic Swordsman #The Invincible Sage in the Second World.#The Dark Queen and I Strike Back #Chillin' in Another World with Level 2 Super Cheat Powers

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snezfics-n-shit · 4 years ago

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Whumptober Day 29: Allergy

Fandom: Ace Attorney

Characters: Godot, Simon Blackquill

Notes: Adjusting to life out of prison isn’t easy, but that’s what Simon is here for. If all goes well, Godot might just be interested in taking better care of himself after experiencing a distressingly long period of loneliness. Let’s be real, though, it’s Whumptober, why would anything go well? Also this is hella self-indulgent but that’s why I started doing this whole thing anyway :p

“Today’s the day.” Godot held the largest of his three painted rocks with one hand. “They’re making me talk to a ‘real person’.” He said as if talking to someone living and breathing wasn’t exactly what he needed right now. The first month after his release, it was like everyone wanted to see him. Soon after, however, people returned to their uninterrupted busy schedules, hardly any of which included even a call. After a few months, the invitations dwindled until they came to a halt.

The closest thing he had to socialization these days were his three therapy rocks and the cartoon owl spamming his phone after he gave up trying to learn Polish. If anyone asked him, though, he would insist it was adequate. Who needs to leave the house when there are three googly-eyed rocks to talk to? That owl could go soak its head, though. Godot was never that fond of birds anyway.

Godot was certain he could live with being alone so often. There were ways to pass the time without going out with others. He ordered a recorder and followed online tutorials on how to play it until he realized no one would be there to hear him perform besides his neighbors who had been kind enough not to complain. He even tried an exercise routine, but he was always left feeling winded to a point that just wasn’t worth it. For a while, he considered signing up for social media, and maybe he should have, but why would he want to log in everyday just to see people enjoying life without him? After all his methods of killing time grew boring, Godot found himself sleeping simply to get the day over with.

He could sit in solitude all day if it weren’t for that pounding on his apartment door interrupting his perfectly satisfactory quiet. He would say the buzzer existed for a reason, but he didn’t exactly want to answer that either. There was no choice, though. If he didn’t answer the door, he would surely be breaking some kind of fine print that required him to do so.

When he opened the door, Godot was convinced this had to be some sort of joke. In front of him was a man clad in black and white, looking more like a member of some kind of lousy rock band than someone sent by the criminal justice department.

“Armando-dono, I’m-”

“No one under that name lives at this address.” Godot attempted to close the door in this stranger’s face. ‘Armando’ was bad enough, but whatever this ‘dono’ part was took the cake in making him want nothing to do with this man.

“Sorry,” the stranger didn’t even struggle keeping the door open with the strength of his arm, “I briefly forgot your files say you want to be called Godot.”

‘Want to be called?’ What was that supposed to mean? Godot wasn’t some middle schooler wanting to be an anime character. This guy looked pretty close to that description, though.

“Go away.”

“I cannot do that.” The stranger let himself inside and slid off his shoes. “You would be in violation of the contract you signed when you were released.” Yup, there was that fine print. “My name is Simon Blackquill and I’ve been assigned as your, ah,” he looked down at a scrap of paper, “wellness companion.”

Wellness companion. What a joke. If he was really concerned about Godot’s wellness, he would leave him alone.

“I don’t want any wellness companions.” Godot tried shoving Blackquill out the door, but the man was too sturdy to even budge; not to mention Godot felt his nose start to run as he was pushing, and the last thing he was about to do was provoke this ‘wellness companion’ to wipe his nose for him. “You can go next door and offer whatever you’re selling there. Maybe recruit them for your cult or something, I don’t care.”

“The residents next door were not recently released from prison.” Blackquill slammed the door behind him, brushing off Godot’s pushing as he invited himself to one of the couches. He scribbled something on a notepad. “How often are you in this room?”

“All the time?” Why was that even a question? It’s called the living room for a reason. This whole ‘wellness companion’ bull was a joke. “Are you gonna ask if I sleep in the bedroom?”

“Actually, your amount of sleep is on the list, yes.” Blackquill flipped through the pages of his notes to pinpoint where that question was. “Can you tell me how much you sleep a night?”

“I’m good at that.” Godot sniffed. “Twelve hours a night, six hours a day. That enough for you to say I’m well enough to not need a ‘companion?’”

“That’s not healthy.” Blackquill frowned, even less convinced that Godot could be left alone even a day longer. He looked around the room, pleasantly surprised at how tidy the apartment was kept. That was a good sign, at least. “You’ve been taking out your rubbish regularly, I see.”

Rubbish? Was this guy British now?

“Well, yeah. I’m not some kind of slob. What do you take me for?” Godot pivoted to the side, nostrils flaring. “Ei’shCHH!” He rarely covered a sneeze adequately, but if this so-called companion was going to imply he had some kind of cleanliness problem, he wasn’t about to prove him right.

“Bless you.” The ‘wellness companion,’ whatever that even meant, scribbled down some more notes. What was he even writing this time?

“You don’t have to do that. E’esshCHH!”

“Bless you again.”

“You some kind of priest?” Godot pressed his knuckles under his nose. “I knew this was a conversion thing.”

“No.” Blackquill offered a handkerchief from his pocket. “Are you catching cold?”

“It’s called ‘a cold,’ and no.” Godot was about to say his home was already abundant with tissues, only to realize that, no, the apartment was barren in that aspect. He begrudgingly plucked the offered piece of cloth, if only out of desperation. His sinuses only burned as he pressed it against his face. “Ii’ssSSH! I’sSHCHIH! What is this thing made of? Eh’ssHHIH!”

“Cloth?” Blackquill blinked as he watched the spectacle before him. “It’s washed with products specifically made for people with sensitivities.”

Sensitivities. Godot couldn’t think of a word that provoked such an image of weakness as ‘sensitivities.’ This man was making fun of him and he couldn’t even call him out for it because he was too busy sneezing. Godot didn’t have any proof but he would bet big money on Blackquill making this happen on purpose.

“You did something to- E’issSHHH! You did something to this.” Godot tossed the wet handkerchief at Blackquill, smirking when it hit him smack dab in his face. “For some weird, sick kicks.”

“Bloody--” Blackquill grimaced after the handkerchief fell off his face. Why did he offer his services for this again? He wasn’t being paid near enough. “I can assure you nothing like that happened.”

“Bull.” Godot scratched at his neck, already breaking out in hives. “Can you prove that?”

“No, I can’t.” If Blackquill had his way, he might have just up and left, but he couldn’t bring himself to quit yet. “How about you clean yourself up and we start over? The sooner I finish this assessment, the sooner I can leave.”

“Why can’t you just write down that I’m doing great and you never need to come back? Here, I’ll do it for you.” Godot tried to grab for the notepad, foiled by Blackquill pulling it away.

“I can’t let you do that.” Blackquill sighed through his nose. “Just go and take a shower. I’ll wait out here.”

There he went again, implying Godot’s cleanliness was- Oh. Godot felt the raised welts on his neck as he scratched at it again. A shower was actually a good idea.

. . .

Blackquill appeared to have made himself too comfortable by the time Godot left the bathroom. He had already gone through at least five pages of notes and his jacket was dangling off the corner of the couch. It was likely psychosomatic, but just as Godot saw him in the living room again, he felt that burning sensation in the back of his nose he thought he would be rid of by now.

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” Godot made a light grunt as he sat himself on the couch perpendicular to where Blackquill sat. “We already went over how I’m not a slob and I sleep ‘too much.’”

“I’d like to ask about your caffeine consumption.” Blackquill clicked his pen. “Are you cutting back as recommended?”

“I guess.” Godot wasn’t lying, but his reduced coffee intake had more to do with being awake an average of only six hours a day than cooperating with health experts. He cleared his throat, making a noise similar to a growl. “What does that say about me?”

“This isn’t some kind of psychoanalysis, so it just says you’ve been making the recommended changes to your diet. Which reminds me, are you eating regularly? That is, when you’re awake?”

“Usually.”

Blackquill shook his head and scribbled some more notes.

“As for your overall health, would you-”

“E’essSHHH!”

“Bless you. Would you say you feel generally healthy?”

“I was, until whatever is going on right now.” Godot sniffled thickly. If it didn’t likely mean another unwanted visit happening in the future, he figured he could have easily played this up to have the apartment to himself again. “I don’t think I’ve felt this bad since that weeaboo came to prison with his stupid bird.” He muttered.

“I beg your pardon?”

“The guy thought he was something special because they let him prosecute during his sentence. Probably also thought he was cooler than any other weeaboo because he watched samurai movies instead of anime like a normal person.”

Godot was so caught up in his rant that he didn’t notice Blackquill growing more uncomfortable by the second. He didn’t even see Blackquill’s look of sudden clarity just before starting to remove his coat from the sofa to put it somewhere out of the room.

“Hey!” Godot wiped his nose aggressively. He ran faster than he had in a long time just to stop Blackquill from proceeding any further. “If I have to keep you around, I guess I should take your coat.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Just let me do this!” He tugged the coat off Blackquill’s shoulders, unwittingly shaking off more irritants into the air. “Ei’ssCHIH! E’ssSHH! Eh’ssSHH!”

“That-” Blackquill was interrupted by a set of three more sneezes from Godot, who continued on his way hanging the coat. “Are you done?”

“Probably dot.” Godot settled on a paper towel from the kitchen to clean himself up with. It hurt like hell but he wasn’t about to use that handkerchief again. “But you were saying?” He coughed roughly into the uncomfortable, sandpaper-like material, followed by a long wheeze.

“Nothing.” Blackquill looked down at his feet. “I think it’s best I go.”

“But you just got here!” As much as Godot would hate to admit it, there was satisfaction in having someone to just listen to him talk, particularly not another rock. “I took your coat and everything.”

“You don’t have to start pretending you want me around.” Blackquill stood upright and went to grab his coat without another word.

“What about your ‘assessment’ thing?”

“Consider it postponed and transferred to someone else.”

“Someone else? Another complete stranger?”

“Whoever it is would be a far better fit for you than I.”

Godot watched Blackquill leave. He felt that damn dirty tugging in his stomach and chest once the door closed. He was surely desperate, wasn’t he? He had to be at potentially literal rock bottom if he already missed answering questions for a stranger he didn’t even like.

He made a run for the cup where he kept some sharpies. Even though the paper towel he had used earlier was a little damp, there was still enough room to write something on it. Half his brain told him he would regret this, and maybe that was the right half, but he pressed the paper towel against the window Blackquill was sure to pass before leaving the area.

“Coffee sometime?”

#whumptober #whumptober 2020 #sickfic whumptober alt #sneezing #snez #snz #sneeze kink #snez attorney

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wisdo101 · 7 years ago

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Oh! Season three is on the website the episodes are free if you wait a few days before watching and there is a new one every week!

Yea, I’ve been seeing them post an episode each week so I might sit and watch it all :D

#the-unwanted-weeaboo #fishy asks

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anotherehetalia1p2pblog · 7 years ago

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Give the Punk some love!

Hello!

Mun:Hey welcome to another England blog! I felt like there wasn’t any punk England blogs and if there are please go check them out! I’ll be accepting any asks you like so send em in!! Have fun!!

Arthur:This should be fun.

#hetalia #aph hetalia #aph england #punk england #arthur kirkland #@the-rebel-brit #@the-unwanted-weeaboo

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24hrsoda · 7 years ago

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That cat anon brought back some very unwanted weeaboo memories. Thanks anon I hate it :)

I blocked the anon and tumblr showed their actual account under my block list and yeah they seem like the kind of person of who genuinely thought that kind of video was funny 11 years after it already died but

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ask-jungshook · 8 years ago

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can i be real for a sec?? you are so amazing and im about to cry bc you're everything i wish i was. ppl love your art so much and your angst and you're so talented. you are so so talented. ok im sorry i just needed this off my chest

// OMG NOOOOOO NONNY PLEASE DON’T CRY!

For me, my ‘talent’ is probably an accumulation of ‘natural’ talent (basically your base stats in gaming terms lol), motivation, experience, practice, and personal drive.

So to get a general sense of where I’m coming from, let me tell you a story of a YOUNG DISSU and how her ‘talent’ developed. (aka my art journey LOL)

So let’s started!

Base Stats

When I first got into drawing (this was around middle school, so I was around 12 years old????), my base stat for drawing was probably a 1 out of 10 – pretty horrible tbh because all I did was just to try and replicate my favorite mangas characters as they were drawn. (At the time I think it was Yu Yu Hakusho LMFAO). If I were to make an analogy or any type of comparison, let’s just say, my stick figures had better proportions than my actual drawings but I digress. But as much as I drew poorly, I found myself loving drawing and loving art because it was an outlet for me to relieve stress. (But looking back oh boy was I a hardcore weeaboo haha) This period of time was the time where I gave no shits if I drew poorly, I drew because I had fun and that was pretty much it. (So there was like pretty much 0 improvement since I didn’t really bother to learn anything technique-wise)

Motivation & Practice

Around high school was when I first started digital art (I around age 16 at this time) and this was the time period when DeviantArt was the ‘go to’ place to post drawings and literature. (pretty sure tumblr and twitter didn’t exist back then and facebook like just became a thing lol) Avatar sites like gaiaonline were also super popular and filled with a bunch of talented artists. I remember distinctly being like ‘holy shit these people are so good and so talented and thinking that I could never surmount to anything like that’. But at the same time, another part of me was like AWE INSPIRED of their talent and would like obsessively see if they had any tutorials on drawing. So while yes, there was a portion of me that wanted to be like my art idols and draw the way they did, at the same time, I kinda knew in my head that that was impossible? (But it didn’t stop me from trying to emulate them)

So while I kept on drawing because it was fun and I liked it as a hobby– BUT this time, I had people to look up to in terms of the ‘I want to draw like you’ aspect of it. They were my art idols and pretty much everything I wanted to be from an art standpoint hahaha. But those artists were my main source of motivation for wanting to improve throughout high school. So this was the period of time that other people’s art lead to me wanting to develop a better style and to improve my technique. (I drew a lot, but never really finished anything major because I was really impatient back then, but my style was HEAVILY impacted by my art idols lol – VERY VERY GRAPHIC NOVELY/DATING SIM-ESQUE)

Experience & Personal Drive

I think in recent years, I did a lot of growing not only as an artist but as a person. One thing to note about growth and improvement is that seeing improvement/seeing growth does not happen overnight, and I took many art hiatuses during high school and most of college simply because I didn’t have time due to my course load. So after cycling through various styles, my art kinda just stagnated for a long time. At that time, it was a bit disheartening and frustrating for me, because at that point I drew for like 6 years and made like small baby steps. (I had a variety of styles, but I never really had the solid groundwork of like anatomy, how clothing works, or color theory.) So it did put a hamper down on my motivation to draw back then– simply because I didn’t think I was improving as fast as other people – which in retrospect, was mistake number one.

I also went through a pretty bad battle with depression while I was in college that ebbed down a bit, then resurfaced after I graduated (this was roughly a 3 yr span), which hindered a lot of my art growth substantially as well because my mentality simply wasn’t there. (Music and art hold emotional ties for me, so whenever I’m depressed, everything relating to the creative side of me goes to shit and I will have 0 motivation to draw and basically just sleep all day.)

But to be brutally honest, this is where personal drive comes in. There was one day where I just had full blown out sit down with myself where I basically told myself that I was so sick of being sad all the time, so tired of just being tired, so sick of hating myself– and that I missed being happy and that I missed that sense of joy. So what did I do? I pushed myself and forced myself out of my bubble in an effort to crawl out of that pit that is depression. But one of the things that helped me the most was reconnecting with a bunch of art friends that I met online in high school on one of those avatar sites. I’m a lot stronger of a person mentally thanks to them. :) And with the help of my friends, I basically began my journey of a 360 degree change– my friends, music, art and the past depressed me were all sources of motivation for me to fight to win that mental battle against myself. (One of the things I did was delete all my social media and just start over– that way it’s easy to filter out unwanted things if you start with a blank slate. I also bought my dog around this time which helped my mentality exponentially.)

Getting started was probably the hardest part, because depression is a cycle of ups and downs– but in order to break free, YOU have to be the one to initiate change and stick to making it happen no matter how uncomfortable you may be. I understand that not everyone can be like me and resolve to do everything yourself. Some people need therapy, and some people need medication and that’s fine because as humans, we’re all different in how we cope with things. In my case, it was all about mental fortitude and my own will power. For me personally, I extended my art hiatus and took several more months off of art and just solely focused on myself and my mental health more than anything. I did a lot of soul searching during this time. Ironically, I think my main motivation for crawling out of that hell hole was just hating how much I hated being sad all the time because that’s just a place that I would never want to go back to.

And even now, it’s still a lot of self exploring of what I want for myself and understanding myself. I’m a person with many layers of personality (like an onion!) – and I’m still learning how to embrace all of those layers (even the bad ones) because in the end, your layers combined are what makes you who you are. If you try to reject a part of any layer, that’s pretty much you trying to reject a part of you– which may lead to or cause a lot of internal turmoil. (On a not so serious note, I realize this ‘layer’ thing was a totally unintentional analogy taken from Shrek, imsosorry lol)

And I just realized I took a HUGE tangent, but going back to the experience and personal drive, I think it was some time around 2016 and going into 2017 when I officially made it to be one of my goals for the new year as to get ‘better’ at art. At this point, I had like 10 years of ‘experience’ in digital art (probably a lot less if you factor in my hiatuses but I digress lol), so based off of those past experiences, I know what I’m good at and what needs improvement. (so I know where my groundwork is lacking and what I should focus on) From a mental perspective, I also understand myself more in the sense that I knew what caused mental stress on me, which in turn allows me to not put myself in uncomfortable positions mentally. At the same time, understanding myself has also allowed me to know my limits and understand how much I can push myself.

But more importantly (from an art standpoint), I’ve learned to take a lot of inspiration from other artists and a lot of art friends instead of wanting to have their style of drawing. I think it was important to me to realize and recognize that I will probably never draw like some of them (because they have a lot more experience than me), and that that should be taken as a positive thing because my art should reflect who I am. So remember that onion I was talking about? All the people I look up to and all the people who I’ve befriended through art also play a HUGE role in my many layers because without them, I personally wouldn’t have that personal drive to learn and get better. So def find something that motivates you to be a better version of yourself! (For me it’s music, books, and other people’s art!)

So going back to my main point of talent:

Don’t think of someone else’s talent as something you should replicate. Because honestly speaking, you can’t, since you literally are a different person– and no two people are the same. (Nor are two onions the same) Instead– take an opportunity to view it as a source of motivation and inspiration to grow and foster your own talent and your own personal growth. Because talent is something you CAN cultivate into something beautiful given time and patience. (Related note: I wrote like an essay in my meet the artist link about my thoughts regarding art and improvement and about comparing yourself to other artists– dunno if that’ll help, but feel free to check it out here lol)

It took me 12 years for my art to evolve to what it is now (I’m 24 now), and I still think I have a lot more room to grow because there was so much I missed out on when I first started out. So while yes, I would consider myself as ‘talented’, there were so many things that have attributed to and molded my base ‘talent’ from when I was 12 to what is it now. And beauty is, is that that everyone’s base stats are different– heck there are people HALF my age who draw better than I do now and that’s amazing! (Also don’t let someone’s age be a reason to put yourself down either! I personally find young artists super inspiring :’))

But honestly, the most important thing is that in the end, art should be about yourself! As I mentioned before, art and music are linked to me emotionally, so happiness is the main thing that I want my art to bring to me. You shouldn’t do things for the sake of others (like getting notes/being popular), you should do it because it makes you happy. (Because if you’re doing things for others, you’re literally putting your own happiness in the hands of other people– and it shouldn’t be that way) For me, drawing makes me happy because I like to see my progression over the years as well as that sense of accomplishment once you finish a piece.

I’m so sorry that this turned into a really long essay/rambling about my life (i tried to keep it as short as possible, but it still ended up long af weeps), but I just felt the need the type this because I’ve been in a similar position as you before. (When I first read this ask I had like a lot of mixed emotions because I was like yes, it’s a compliment, but at the same time, why do I feel really sad? lol so yeah … sorry about the wall of text)

So don’t wish you were me! LOL :’D (lol trust me bc I am far from perfect) Instead, embrace yourself, (& to paraphrase the chorus of Cypher 4) know yourself, and most importantly, love yourself because you are ALSO a blooming talent in the garden that is life.

:) So what I really want to see is the phrase of “you’re everything i wish i was“ turn into something like, “thanks for inspiring me to improve” or something along those lines.

As artists, we all learn off from each other. And personally, I would be honored to be some sort of inspiration to you – but as I said before, please don’t think that you’re any less than me or think negatively about yourself because you are amazing and talented in your own right! :’) And if it helps, I’ll be rooting for you to continue cultivating your own ‘talent’ into something even more spectacular! Nonny HWAITING!

Also if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me! (I hope I don’t come off as intimidating, I’m just very scatterbrained and get distracted easily lol i also apologize for any spelling mistakes in this because im too lazy to proofread lol)

#// unshook #// admin faq #// nonasks #// sorry i wrote a book lol #// but this is kinda important to me?#// @___@ unless if I'm interpreting this ask wrong lol if thats the case im sorry #// but i just wanted to put it out there #// that talent is made up by A LOT of factors #// my talent now vs what I had when i started are completely different #// so think of it as us being in different stages in our art journey :D #// keep on growing and striving to improve #// but remember to be happy too!#// i'll leave this off with what I try to live my life by- be hungry be humble but most importantly be happy #// also sorry if not everything makes sense #// i woke up sick today so im like trying not to die right now #// as snot keeps on dripping down from my nose lol #// my thoughts are rlly muddy right now lol #// ahhhhhhhhh i hope that whatever i typed makes some sort of sense #// watch me wake up tomorrow and be like dissu wtf did u type lol #// art faq

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